Lost my wife.

[KMkm]

I woke up today feeling pretty low.  I don't want help.  I just want to give up and be with my wife.  I feel like I'm the worst parent for thinking this but I don't know how long I can handle the pain.  The only alternative is feeling nothing from the anti depressants but what life is that.  Is it fair to my kids to raise them this way.  I don't laugh or smile, I don't even want to do anything anymore.  I try to work but I feel like I'm fighting every second to keep going.  I attend a grief group at a local church Sunday evening but I just sit there and listen.  I want to say something but I don't.  I then leave and cry all the way home only stopping to see my wife in our columbarium spot.  I post here cause I don't know what else to do.  I'm tired of sounding like I'm complaining or my inability to heal.  My family says I seem better but in my eyes I just hide how broken I am behind my need to be a father and my role as a caregiver to them.  I promised my wife that I would protect and care for our kids.  I'll think of today and I hope this low will pass but I know there will be another one coming.  Eventually the wave will eventually drown me or I find a way to keep treading.  Hopefully everyone is stronger than I am.  Stay strong my friends.  

[KayC]

@KMkm I hope you'll seek some treatment from a grief specialist before giving up/giving in.  Your kids need you, and I hope that's a promise you can fulfill.  Sending you caring thoughts and hoping you'll believe me that when we stick it out, eventually it is something we can better carry, even though not the same again.

[Kevin O]

10 hours ago, KMkm said:

I'm tired of sounding like I'm complaining or my inability to heal.  My family says I seem better but in my eyes I just hide how broken...   Hopefully everyone is stronger than I am

You seem better to them because you have learned how to pretend better.  I've had people say that to me.  Little did they know I spent part of the day crying off and on. I woke up today very sad and angry.  And I'm not sure why.  I'm rewatching 'After Life' (watched it before Bob died but now it has taken on a whole new meaning) and I'm starting to think that it's affecting my mood.  Not sure it's the best show for me to rewatch but it makes me feel less alone.  So when you write that you think others may be stronger than you, know that they most likely are not. It just appears that way to you.  Just like people think that you appear be getting better.  We are all stronger than we think we are (ok I only believe that on my good days).  So please do not stop 'complaining' or believe you have an 'inability to heal'.  To be totally honest I find it very easy to write these things to you but later on tonight I will once again realize that I am a hypocrite because I will have the same exact thoughts you wrote about.  The thoughts that I suggested you don't think about.  Rollercoaster.  

[KMkm]

Today has been very difficult.  Horrible thoughts come and go without warning.  I hate thinking them but they still flood in and leave their mark on my ability to believe I'm a good person.  I tell myself I can do this, I need to for my kids.  I can't hide the fact I'm scared or lie to myself that I'm good.  How can I do this, others could but they aren't me.  I'm not as determined or as strong to fight the desire to leave.  I pray for guidance or a sign to help me understand why I'm here and what I'm supposed to do.  Taking one day, one hour or even one minute at a time to calm my mind and to rest so I can keep going.  I hate this, I hate feeling like this, I hate that there is no relief.  Today has been a hard one but it's almost over and all I pray for is a better day tomorrow.  Stay strong my friends.  Today I feel like I almost lost but I made it.

[KayC]

10 hours ago, Sim7079 said:

I do agree that I do have small pockets of happiness. It’s not the same content happy feeling I had with my hubby

Yes, I get this.  We loved and appreciated each other so much but I think I took that contented rest in him feeling for granted until it was lost to me.

[KMkm]

I have been struggling.  I'm trying to keep in mind to go easy on myself and I'm still healing but I just have such a hard time wanting to keep going.  I want to believe that I'm here for a reason, and I know it's because of my kids.  The hard part is wanting to believe that either God has a plan or I'm supposed to go through this pain cause I deserve it.  But with that my kods don't deserve this.  I don't understand why things happen other than life isn't fair or predictable.  I don't have fun anymore, nor do I want to.  I've become sour to the thought of enjoying any part of life even though my wife would be very upset if I squandered the opportunity to be here with our kids.  I know if she could send me a message it would be about being happy and raising our kids instead of wallowing in self pity.  I just don't have the strength of mind and body to want happiness.  I get angry with myself and more depressed thinking about relaxing or retiring to enjoy life without her.  If this is truly God's plan then I am destined to remain sad til I pass on.  Please don't take this as what people should do cause I would never want anyone reading this to think that it's good to remain sad.  I'm just using this site as a way to get out what's inside.  Stay strong my friends.

[KayC]

8 hours ago, KMkm said:

The hard part is wanting to believe that either God has a plan or I'm supposed to go through this pain cause I deserve it. 

I don't look at it like that.  Some people believe in a big master plan (including suffering) but George's death has kind of challenged that for me.  In my beliefs, Satan is in charge of the world right now but there will come a day God will overthrow him and everything will change.  So that view helps me.  NOT telling anyone else what to believe, just stating my beliefs and they have been helpful in my reconciling things...I don't feel God throws suffering on us because we "deserve it" or any other such thing.  I DO think in our suffering we learn and growth can come, but to view it singly with purpose...well that would be hard.  Esp. seeing everyone's suffering here.  I know it's all hard to wrap our heads around and sometimes maybe it's good not to try to define everything as such.

I love the book "Dark Night of the Soul" by St. John of the Cross.  It helps to find some meaning in it, even if you don't wrap your head around it. Just me blathering...

[AJ4]

I just watched After Life too.  It is definitely a sad and realistic show, hard hitting on the emotions.  Some days I just want to sit and be sad and I watch sad shows.  So, there it is.  I think we all have days that we don't want to pretend to be ok.   

[KMkm]

I used to be on the go all the time.  Working and then coming home to work.  I never wanted to lay in bed other than to sleep a few hours but now I don't want to get out.  I just force myself cause my kids need me and my family needs me.  I want to keep fighting and trying to move forward but in time I won't be able to fight anymore nor will I want to.  I guess it just depends on who you ask cause a lot of people want to be happy again but I don't.  I hope others don't feel the same way I do because it's not a way to live.

[KMkm]

The kids and I placed an ice candle by our columbarium spot.  It was a very hard day where I broke down more than usual.  I still fight the urge to give up every day.  People don't really talk to me anymore.  The ones that do have stuck by me but the others have retreated back into their own lives.  The good thing is that others have reached out and keep doing so every now and then.  I don't know why some people reach out stating that they have been thinking of me and the kids a lot yet don't say anything.  Anyway I jus needed to get this off my chest.  Thanks to everyone for helping me get through the first year.  Now countless more to navigate.  Stay strong my friends

 

[KayC]

Thinking of you, @KMkm  I used to think we deserved a trophy when we got through the whole year of "firsts without" as it certainly felt like some kind of accomplishment, but honestly, it's the whole rest of your life that adds up to be tough.  (((hugs)))

[KMkm]

I don't think I will be able to get through a whole life.  I just have to make it until the kids move out and start their own lives then I can stop trying to survive.  I don't feel like retiring or enjoying life.  I never really did but my wife helped me cause she made it enjoyable.  People say that will change but I know I will live with this pain forever.  I hope that others don't feel the same way as I do.  Suicidal thoughts always creep into my head and try to justify dieing but I promised my wife that I would take care of our kids and I would do anything for her and for them.

[BohoKat]

10 hours ago, KMkm said:

People don't really talk to me anymore.  The ones that do have stuck by me but the others have retreated back into their own lives

Dear KMkm,

Sorry the road continues to be so rough for you. I’m with you, I really don’t understand why people withdraw the way they do.

I have experienced this twice. We had a large circle of friends and family before my bipolar diagnosis multiple hospitalizations and so on. Since then I can count 4 good friends that are always there, even through Mark’s passing and my grief. This time, it is like one branch of the family just dropped off. It is through a stepchild I raised for 10 years as my own, so being shut out is very painful.

Thank your lucky stars for the ones that remain. No matter how hard I always try to keep those connections going. Strength for your struggles. <hugs> Peace, BohoKat 

[Kevin O]

KMkm  You are not alone. I get it. Suicidal thoughts are always creeping in. This is morbid but I fantasize about there being a place where a person could go and just say "It's time and I just don't want to do this anymore". There's no judgement. They just have a little chat with you just to confirm that this is what you really want to do.. You go to a room and they do what they do and it's over. If that place existed would I go today?  Told my family that I would visit them today. Maybe tomorrow. N weot tomorrow. I have jury duty. And that will last a minimal of 4 days. Maybe I would go on Friday. I'll see what Friday brings. And while i don't know how old you're kids are, it appears that you would not be making you're appointment any time soon. Do i have hope I'll feel better anytime soon? Absolutely not. Not going to lie to myself. Will I ever feel better? Can't answer that. Don't know. But I have somewhere to be today and somewhere to be tomorrow.  And you have plans to raise your children which will take you thru a few todays and tomorrows. I wish all the best to you in this horrendous never-ending journey.

[KayC]

2 hours ago, Sim7079 said:

I call them pockets or little moments of happiness

Yep, I reference it in my Tips article, I call it the little joys, now that my big joy is gone.  It can be anything from a stranger letting you merge in traffic, to a phone call from a friend.  They seem to be getting fewer the older I get and esp. since Covid, but still I look for them.

 

[Jemiga70]

When I go for my evening walks I try so damned hard to recite the things I'm grateful for.  I have a rather long list of things to be grateful for.  Some days the grief is too much and I am unable to focus on anything other than being in the grip of grief, let alone be grateful about anything. On those days I just want my life to be over b/c it's pointless. So I let myself off the hook on those days and suffer the wave.  My other manta lately is "It could be much much worse."  That's not to discount the pain I'm in; that's not to disqualify a loss so great I have no words for; rather it's a reminder that despite this waking nightmare that my life is now, and despite all the secondary losses that I hate so much, I was able to have 2 meals today and I have a warm jacket and a bed to sleep on.

[KayC]

9 hours ago, Jemiga70 said:

I was able to have 2 meals today and I have a warm jacket and a bed to sleep on.

Good to remember these things...being grateful in the moment.  

[KMkm]

I try to be grateful and say thanks to the things in my life that are good bit my pessimistic side seems to be at the forefront.  I really don't want to be here anymore cause if the pain but I have to so my kids don't have to suffer another loss.  I hope that maybe after the 2nd year I will begin to feel differently but I'm still in survival mode I guess.  I'll keep praying for strength and that I can survive this.  Thank you to all that have written words of encouragement and also everyone that has shared their stories and struggles.  Stay strong my friends.

 

 

 

 

[KayC]

It took me several years, you're not alone in how you're feeling.  Hang in there, we are here for you, @KMkm.

[KMkm]

Christmas is over for another year. I felt like I could enjoy it but as the day got closer I dreaded not having my wife with us. The small things like her cooking and baking as I plowed snow and shoveled. I would try and get things done that I put off for months as she decorated and played with our kids. The games, Christmas movies, her laugh. Our house was filled with music and Christmas spirit. I had to calm my 8 year old daughter down after she spilled water. She ran to her room crying and telling me she misses her Mom. The one person who understood, comforted, and consoled her. She feels like our family isn't whole anymore, it's not the same. She wants to join her in heaven. I deal with my own struggles and to see my daughter hurt so much pushes me almost to my breaking point. I pray to switch spots with my wife and to end my pain. Give my wife what she deserves, to live life to the fullest like she did everyday. I don't live anymore, I survive. I don't want to be here and in turn makes me feel worse since I am here, and should be trying to enjoy what my wife can't.  My kids deserve to be happy, to be shown why life is a blessing even in the darkest times.  Stay strong my friends.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[KayC]

Thinking you you KMkm, I'm sorry your daughter is having such a hard time with her mom gone, you may not have felt like sticking around but I'm glad you're doing it, maybe for your daughter at first, but I pray in time you feel some reason to live for yourself and all you would miss...I know you can't see that right now.  For me it's my Kodie (pup) he is amazing and sweet.  Sending you hugs today and I hope you're a bit relieved that Christmas is behind you now...

[KMkm]

I just needed to post how I feel. I do this ssoo don't do anything I will regret.  My daughter was having a hard time falling asleep tonight.  She really misses her Mom and doesn't understand why she passed away.  I have been really crying alot these past few days and today was the worst I've felt in a long time.  For the past month my mind keeps going to dark places where I wonder how hard it would be to end my life.  My counselor says I control my mind and thoughts but why is it so hard to stop myself from thinking about joining my wife.  Whenever I feel like I can't take it I think about the pain I feel and how much pain my kids would be in to have to say goodbye to me.  The thought of my kids having to say goodbye to me is a far worse thought than living without my wife for a few more decades or whenever my time comes.  I just feel exhausted and helpless fighting to stay alive.  I'm really not as strong as people think.  I don't want to be in pain anymore, I don't want to leave my kids but I don't think I can do this anymore.  Hopefully tomorrow brings a renewed strength, and a new sense of determination that has laid dormant inside for a time like this.  I pray for everyone to stay strong.  I pray for strength and resiliency in everyone's time of need.

 

[Todd E]

@KMkm

    Such a healthy action to post your....pain here.  I can't imagine how it must feel to have little ones in your care while losing your wife.  However, having had my life shattered also (a year in March) you message totally resounded with me.  Please remember my friend there is light on the other side of the darkness.  Forcibly not feeling the pain may seem like a logical solution, but THERE IS JOY beyond the darkness you must be feeling.  You CAN do this!!  Big hugs Brother!

[KayC]

8 hours ago, KMkm said:

I don't want to leave my kids but I don't think I can do this anymore.  Hopefully tomorrow brings a renewed strength, and a new sense of determination that has laid dormant inside for a time like this.  I pray for everyone to stay strong.  I pray for strength and resiliency in everyone's time of need.

You are in a dilemma, one of wanting out of the pain, and yet not wanting to cause your children pain...think of that, not only losing their mom but also their dad?!  That would be too much for them, they are barely making it through this now as it is!  I appreciate your efforts at determination and resiliency...keep on that path, every day renewal of your keeping on keeping on.  It will seem better if not good someday, but it may be a very long time before you see it, so keep doing one day at a time and continuing...

[KayC]

@Todd E You haven't posted much, but I appreciate what you write, I went back and read it...you have been putting in the grief work and it helps tremendously!  
Grief Work
Grief Work

(two separate links to separate sources)

[BohoKat]

11 hours ago, KMkm said:

  My counselor says I control my mind and thoughts but why is it so hard to stop myself from thinking about joining my wife.  Whenever I feel like I can't take it I think about the pain I feel and how much pain my kids would be in to have to say goodbye to me.

Dear KMkm,

My heart goes out to you in your pain and struggles. As a person disabled by severe bipolar disorder having dealt with multiple suicide attempts and suicidal ideation, I have to ask if your counselor has brought up the idea of a psychiatrist and medication? Constant suicidal ideation is very dangerous, it turns into plans and final action very subtly and quickly.

I understand I’ve been there, you would do anything to make the pain stop even hurt yourself. I know you know you have to be there for your kids, but one day you may weaken and take yourself away. Your counselor is right, you have stay out of the mindset but you may need a bump of medication to get you there.

Medication sounds scary but it does make life better for many. I was on additional meds for the first year after my husband died. You cannot think yourself out of biochemical depression, even short-term.

Also, I hope you are being as frank with your counselor as you are with us here. These words you have written are hard to say in session but in my decades of experience with the mental health system, any competent therapist would have alarm bells going off with what you are describing. I hope you will at least ask the question if you need additional intervention. Sometimes that’s all that’s needed to start the conversation that gets you a bit of relief. <hugs>

Peace, BohoKat 

[RichS]

Was searching for grieving sites this afternoon and came across this board. After doing some browsing I can see where this board can be helpful to someone like me. I lost my wife last August. We were married for 42 years. Two statements describe how I've been feeling:

1) Depressed, but functioning

2) Everything looks the same, but feels different.

I currently attend a grieving group at a local church. We only meet once a month; and I feel I need additional communication with people who are going through the same thing. I know I'm still a "rookie" at this. I hope to learn more from you who have been through this for alot longer than myself.

 

 

[KayC]

@BohoKat  Very well articulated from someone who has been there!  Thank you for all of your very essential input!

[KMkm]

I know how hard the first few days, weeks, months, and probably years will be. This site is about being honest without any judgment. I am still struggling to get through each day butbut I know that giving up is the easy way out, but not the right way.  This site has saved my life a few times due to the kind words and the concern from everyone.  Hearing another person talk about their struggle and how they are dealing with it helps me understand that even though the pain is overwhelming, I still have to live.  One might say I have a journey to go on.  I have a life to live even though somedays I want to end it sooner.  My wife was everything to me and more.  She was the only person who could help me through my social and psychological problems.  I struggle with undiagnosed issues which are probably the reason why I don't function very well.  But I go on, I endure the horrible pain cause that's what I need to do for my wife and my kids.  I hope that this site continues to bring people an evenue to discuss topics and vent so they can un burden themselves of all the pent up anguish and pain.  Stay strong my friends, we aren't done yet.

 

 

 

 

[KayC]

It was a site such as this that saved my life too, all those years ago!  It's why I'm here today.

[RichS]

KMkm:  Sorry to hear of your wife passing away due to cancer. My wife also passed away from cancer (Leuchemia). Some time ago a family friend (who is also a widow), told me that my grieving started when my wife was diagnosed with this condition back in 2016. It got me thinking that I might have been grieving long before her death in 2022,

Sim7079: There are many days where I feel weary and want to be reunited with my wife in heaven; but if there's one good thing that came out of this whole experience, it was that I started putting more of my faith in God, ONE DAY AT A TIME, at a level that I never had before. I find that it's brought me some peace; since some of my burden is lifted and that I know that regardless of how I feel for or against something, I'm comforted that his way is the best way in the long run.

 

 

[KayC]

20 hours ago, RichS said:

when my wife was diagnosed with this condition back in 2016. It got me thinking that I might have been grieving long before her death in 2022,

Absolutely!  It's called anticipatory grief, esp. when you are a caregiver and watch their ailment take them from you, bit by bit.

Rich, I want to welcome you to this site and wish you well with your journey.  I hope you will continue to come here to read and post, it helps us process our grief and we glean from what other are learning and saying here tremendously.  We're all in this together, even while living seemingly alone in our homes.

20 hours ago, RichS said:

I started putting more of my faith in God, ONE DAY AT A TIME

This is how I have done this for the last 17 1/2 years..

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[KMkm]

People ask me to never say never. This is the response I get wwhen I express my intention of being single from now on. I don't mean to say that I'll never find someone but I'll never search for someone. I'll never find someone like my wife. I just want to be ok, to be the person I wad or at least a little bit. My head still hurts and when I try to use it so I don't have to write everything down it gives me a headache. My ability to keep going seems to lessen each day but I'll have a day where I seem to recover a small amount. I feel like everyday is a fight to be here and I'm tired of fighting. I'm scared that one day I will give up and let go. Hopefully not ccause to imagine the pain my kids would go through, losing both of us.  I'll do as much as I can to protect them from that pain.  My wife would want that and so do I.  Stay strong my friends, I'm still here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[KayC]

8 hours ago, KMkm said:

I'll never search for someone. I'll never find someone like my wife.

For sure!  

Deleted the image I posted, something went wrong in the posting of it.    

Found it!

[RichS]

KMkm:

"I'll never find someone like my wife".

I think this thought rings true for many of us; especially those of us who've been married for many years. I have no plans to get into another relationship in my lifetime. I would drive that next woman and myself crazy; because I'd be comparing her to my wife. Not fair to her. Anymore than if a widow were dating me.

On the more humorous side, Chris and I used to have this discussion from time to time over the years. It went like this:

CHRIS: If I died, would you ever remarry?

RICH: No, how about you?

CHRIS: After being married to you, why would I want to get married again? Take it either way.

I think after 42 years of marriage, I should know the correct answer.

 

 

 

 

[BohoKat]

11 hours ago, KMkm said:

I don't mean to say that I'll never find someone but I'll never search for someone. I'll never find someone like my wife

The word soulmate is so overused but that was it for me. Mark used say that we “fit.” We were both big personalities, total opposites, volatile (but not in a bad way - lots of sparks), and completely inseparable for 32 years. He was the key to my lock, and as @RichS said, I would forever be comparing anyone else to him, and it wouldn’t be fair.

Peace. BohoKat 

[RichS]

Sim7079:

Back in the 70's (when I wasn't as wise as I thought I was), I always disagreed with this old saying:

"It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all."

Back then, I had no prospects of getting married, so maybe I was a little bitter. Fast forward a little into the future: Not many years after we were married and years before Chris passed away in 2022, I can tell you that I made a 180 degree turn. In fact, I have a number of friends and relatives my age, who never married; and I feel sorry for them.

At least I was blessed with love in my life (and had a marriage far superior to my parents). They say that grieving is a form of love. Well, I guess I'm in love!

 

 

[KMkm]

I feel a lot better posting what I'm experiencing and also reading the posts of others. I'm grateful that people read my posts and it rresonates with them on some level.  I'm glad that I met my wife.  I loved her so deeply that I could endure any pain and do whatever she needed me to do no matter what.  I worked to support her and my kids.  I wanted to give her everything she wanted.  I am so lost but I have my kids which helps ground me.  I sometimes feel so low that I want to end it.  I think about the pain my kids would feel if I left them.  It doesn't lessen the pain but it helps me get through it.  Thank you to everyone who posts.  I was only married 13 years and I'm only 45 so I have a long way to go and I wish I had my wife by my side to share things with.  Stay strong my friends.  I'm glad we are still here but I'm sad that we are all in pain.

 

[KayC]

20 hours ago, BohoKat said:

The word soulmate is so overused but that was it for me. Mark used say that we “fit.”

I never realized there was such a thing until I met George.  I was already going through a divorce when I met him, because I was still married (even though trying to get out) we were "friends" first and just got to know each other, it was uncanny how we clicked and understood each other.  When I call him my soulmate it has the deepest meaning possible, it never fit for anyone else.  
He died five days after his 51st birthday.  We missed so much time together...

[BohoKat]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

He died five days after his 51st birthday.  We missed so much time together..

I’m sorry your time was cut short. I feel the same way about Mark. He got HepC from a blood transfusion and was diagnosed in the late 90s. Because liver cancer, a messy and painful way to go, almost always is the end product for HepC he got 4 separate treatments including drug trials over the next decades. We rejoiced when he was finally undetectable and his symptoms subsided. But just a few short years later he died after suffering for over a year with untreatable liver cancer. It was indeed messy and painful, and although I know it’s irrational I still feel cheated. The only redeeming thing is that he’s no longer suffering.

Peace, BohoKat 

[KayC]

6 hours ago, BohoKat said:

The only redeeming thing is that he’s no longer suffering.

Yes, I've often been glad for that about George.  He complained to the doctor for months...it fell on deaf ears, then a doctor had to sign his death certificate.

[TGold]

@KMkm I’m very sorry for your loss and have experienced these suicidal thoughts many, many times since losing my husband last Dec. One major motivation for never going through it is that I can’t imagine inflicting as much pain as I’m feeling on my family or loved ones over me.  

Also, one of my biggest pet peeves is when people say I seem fine.  It feels like they are discounting my pain.  Yes, I can put on the face and hide it but NO, OF COURSE I’M NOT FINE.  Who does that help, them? It certainly never helps me.  It just sucks, all of it, I’m sorry.  You’ll always miss and love her as I will with my husband.  I try to think of it as less of a life a sentence and more as a deep, irreplaceable love that will just be with me forever. I do have hope that it won’t cut so deeply in the future, but it’s early days for me too and I get really bad lows and panic attacks.
 

I respect for you for being so open about your feelings.  Getting them out is so important. My therapist suggested I start journaling. I’ve never been good at it but I see the value of not letting the trauma just fester inside of me.

Sending you strength.

[KayC]

A friend(fellow griever) just emailed me suicidal thoughts last night...I think she's more grounded than that but I've learned with suicide never take that for granted...in grief, at any point, one can feel this way.  If contemplating it or planning it, PLEASE call a suicide hotline Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org

It helps me to look for something positive in my day (usually Kodie) but there are times between grief, aging and struggles/challenges, even I get struck with the thought, but that's all it is, a mere passing thought.  I could never leave Kodie to get re-homed.  Nor would I want to do that to my kids/grandkids, even if I rarely see them.  I have more than myself to think about even if my world has pretty much shrunk to just me (and Kodie).  Try to get out, take a walk, cook something new for yourself, reach out to someone.

[BohoKat]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

I've learned with suicide never take that for granted...in grief, at any point, one can feel this way.  If contemplating it or planning it, PLEASE call a suicide hotline Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org

KayC is so right, everyone probably feels this at one time or the other. But as person who has mental health diagnoses and has dealt with suicidal issues, I have to stress it is not healthy or minor to experience REPEATED thoughts of suicide. These thoughts turn too easily to planning and execution. Please call the hotline or talk to your health professional. I understand only too well what it is to experience agony so deep that the irrational thoughts surface that only death will stop the pain. Please take it seriously and seek help. Take care of yourself.

Peace, BohoKat 

[KayC]

For sure!  If reoccurring thoughts, contemplation, planning, get help!

[Neight]

iIHi everyone. I'm new to this and a friend suggested I look into this. I'm a 44 year old guy with a 9 year old girl. My daughter was my wifes pride and joy. She (my wife of 23 years) died of Covid on 1/16/22 at the age of 42. Our world as we knew it was over. Having to tell your young child that mom/dad isn't coming home is soul crushing for us, and them. But kids are incredibly strong and resilliant and inspiring. So its been a full year since my wife passed and so much has changed. New house, new city. New friends. I'm not going to lie and sit here and say the past year was hard because it wasnt. It was depressing, lonley, hopless, impossible, terrifying. All the firsts right? First Christmas, my kids 9th birthday, Thanksgiving, the 4th, her birthday. Brutal. Why me? Why her? Why us? Why now? How? How can I go on? Family thinks they know and they try and say the right things and want to do the right things and I apprciate them, but non of them know. And for me its unexplainable. As the weeks months went on it dawned on me, my kids at school every day. Clothed, fed and clean. Bills are getting paid. Holidays have come and gone. I'm stiil sober and alive and facing each day with purpose. Its not something I ever imagined I could do. I CANT raise a little girl myself, but here I am. And here you are. Were doing the impossible together. Some days are bad, some are not. We laugh and we cry. But we go on. I get her up for school, drop her off. Pick her up and we live life. Its not the life either of us wanted or asked for but here it is, like it or not. We choose to make the best of it. I know thats what she would have wanted. I guess i just wanted to vent a little and if your struggling with life, call someone. You are loved and people need you and rely on you. As awful as it is, it gets better. Friends and family start talking to you again without that worried, uncomfortable look on their face. My little girl and I have new routines. Anyway, I'm going to keep reading. Have a great day and thank you.

 

[KayC]

5 hours ago, Neight said:

It was depressing, lonley, hopless, impossible, terrifying. All the firsts right? First Christmas, my kids 9th birthday, Thanksgiving, the 4th, her birthday. Brutal. Why me? Why her? Why us? Why now? How? How can I go on?

That sounds plenty hard to me.  Welcome here, you've just met an online family that truly cares and understands so much of what you have been going through.  I hope you'll continue to come here to read and post, it helps to know others get it and helps us process our grief.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[RichS]

Neight:  Welcome to the board (from one newcomer to another).

After reading your post, I must say that I'm impressed with how you've handled grieving over the past year; not to mention having to deal with relocation as well. It's true; kids can be an inspiration during these times. My situation is slightly different: my 35 year old son has a learning disability but I can honestly say that he's dealt with the last five months better than I have. He also tells me that you've got to keep busy (but not too busy) and that he's keeping his eye on me. I guess since I'm the only one that he can count on, his future is riding on me (as long as I'm alive).

We also have a 94 year old uncle who is living with us. I have more responsibility now than I've ever had in my lifetime. At times it can be frustrating and difficult; but I can honestly say that of all the jobs that I've had in my working career, none of them were as important and satisfying as care taking. I often imagine my wife, her grandmother (her uncle's Mom) and my mother-in-law (her uncle's sister) smiling down on me from heaven. Looking forward to seeing them all some day in a perfect, peaceful world.

Like you, we have a good network of friends and relatives who care about and love us. That's very important. My faith has enabled me to carry on with the strength to get things done for the three of us. Also to give me hope that life as we know it does not end in death as we know it. Every day I'm reminded that care taking is doing God's work; and when you review your life and all you've accomplished (jobs, education, etc.) nothing is as important as taking care of the ones left behind who depend on you everyday. I hope that someday I can rise up to your level because I know I'm not there yet.

 

 

[KayC]

21 hours ago, RichS said:

Every day I'm reminded that care taking is doing God's work; and when you review your life and all you've accomplished (jobs, education, etc.) nothing is as important as taking care of the ones left behind who depend on you everyday

I couldn't agree more.  On my other forum this morning someone said he's not going to be a caregiver again (he lives with his aged mom and brother and she is supporting them)...some are not in a position to but I did it for my disabled and dementia ridden sister in spite of severe hand/strength issues, continual pain, numbness.  I feel if you love someone that is what you do.  You don't even think of it, you just do it.  Sometimes I wish she were back so I could do it again, I miss her.  People have value, even if disabled or needing help.  We all bring something to the table.

[Scott56]

On 1/12/2023 at 9:32 PM, KMkm said:

I feel a lot better posting what I'm experiencing and also reading the posts of others. I'm grateful that people read my posts and it rresonates with them on some level.  I'm glad that I met my wife.  I loved her so deeply that I could endure any pain and do whatever she needed me to do no matter what.  I worked to support her and my kids.  I wanted to give her everything she wanted.  I am so lost but I have my kids which helps ground me.  I sometimes feel so low that I want to end it.  I think about the pain my kids would feel if I left them.  It doesn't lessen the pain but it helps me get through it.  Thank you to everyone who posts.  I was only married 13 years and I'm only 45 so I have a long way to go and I wish I had my wife by my side to share things with.  Stay strong my friends.  I'm glad we are still here but I'm sad that we are all in pain.

 

Been over a year since my life was turned upside down and i lost my best friend and my kids lost their Mom. 29 days after my wife's passing i lost my best friend to cancer, i have only recently started trying to deal with that.I wanted to compare my feelings today to those from a year ago. I am learning to smile at pictures and memories of Christine now instead of falling apart. i have become a very emotional man that is brought to tears easily when something concerning love or loss is brought up. My children are getting through the best they can , my daughter just graduated from college with her Bachelors degree and my son who went back is going to receive his Bachelors degree this summer. It was hard for her to not have her Mom there.I recently went to see a movie not realizing that most of the movie was Tom Hanks missing his departed wife.. man called Otto. Good movie , horrible timing.   i am doing all the things my wife did now and my house is running smoothly. I have donated all of her clothes and have begun rearranging my bedroom and am remodeling a bathroom starting next week. I still find it strange making decisions on my own regarding colors and styles.I am still a mess but i am doing better than i was and i hope this is a trend. This past week i fell apart several times and got overwhelmingly sad , i suspect this will always happen . When it does i just accept it and go through it. I also realize that there are people going through far worse trials than i am and i thank God for all i have. I still ramble , thank you all for being here.