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Lost my wife.


KMkm

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The waves keep hitting me trying to get me to change my mind.  I have said many times that I am Ok but as everyone knows it doesn't mean that I'm not in excruciating pain.  I can feel the pressure even more at times and the headaches can happen at anytime.  The only thing I can offer at times is being here still.  I've accepted that I'm not a great father, son ,friend or even a few months ago husband.  All I can do is try my best or at least just try to be a good person.  My kids need a father since their mother is no longer here and I am the only parent they have left.  I am writing this cause maybe someone will read it and say to themselves that if this guy can keep going even though he wants to quit every waking second then maybe I can too.  Please if anyone is reading this, just know I am feel like garbage and I'm exhausted from barely eating or sleeping.  My brain fog is relentless and my will to live is non existent but I'm still here.  I will never let this life take me cause tomorrow may get better or it might not but I want to know for myself if I can endure.  Please stay strong and keep fighting cause you are strong enough and just reach out for help.  I thank others for reaching out to me cause even a hello means the world to me.

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@KMkm  I just wanted to stop by and say Hello. It's the weekend now, always the hardest time. This was always our time. Now I'm here and I don't want to do anything or go anywhere. The motivation is low, but I will keep going, as you said, to see if I can endure this. Today is one of my days off but it would be easier to be working. I stopped by an old friend's house for a few hours. That was a nice distraction.

Know that you're not alone. I know about the waves that come, the brain fog and the exhaustion, though because you are a parent (I'm not) I'd imagine that takes a tremendous amount of energy on top of the other things. You must be doing something right. Go easy on yourself. Give yourself some credit. You've already endured a ton. Give yourself something nice once in a while; treat yourself even if it's just a snack or pizza or whatever works for you. These are times to be kind to ourselves. I believe my wife sent me an interesting sign last year in the form of a tshirt that someone was wearing who crossed my path. The tshirt said: MAKE YOURSELF YOUR BEST FRIEND.  I really needed to see that at that time.  I have to drill that into my head a lot. Some days are just going to plain suck. I figure best to just roll with those. As you said, all we can do is try our best. We have to at least do that.  I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

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8 hours ago, KMkm said:

I will never let this life take me cause tomorrow may get better or it might not but I want to know for myself if I can endure.

This.  This should be framed and every griever should have it on their wall. :wub:

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I just sold my wife’s car . Her Mini Cooper was her pride and joy and her escape. She loved to shift through the gears with the music cranking and her hair flying. I watched it leave with tears in my eyes, another first to deal with.Life goes on and I will have to adapt to this new normal and learn how to be happy again. I get small windows if ok when I am engaged in a project or exercising . All the other times I am sad and wondering how this happened and why this happened.I know there are no answers to be had now but I am stuck in sad mode and I don’t like being miserable.

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I am so sorry.  I remember going through this with George's car but had to, still had payments, couldn't afford it. :(  (((hugs)))

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I also sold my murano.  The first vehicle we bought together.  Her birthday was yesterday and it was hard on me.  My kids are doing ok and learning to live in our new world.  I feel like kids can handle grief differently and maybe we have to look to them for answers.  Life is about people and shared memories but it's so much more.  It's about our own journey and how we can make this world a better place.  I am suicidal every day but not in the way you think.  I want to be with my wife which means I can't be alive.  I don't want to leave, I don't want to give up cause I'm hurt and sad beyond words.  I want to see my wife so badly but I want to see where I need to go.  Life is hard, but I need to see this though to prove to myself that I am strong.  We are all strong and feeling like dieing isn't a weakness it's a reality about feeling like this.  Stay strong my friends cause we need to be.

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23 hours ago, KMkm said:

I feel like kids can handle grief differently and maybe we have to look to them for answers.

Perhaps they live more in the now? IDK.

23 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

I just can't come to terms with selling it. I have 2 vehicles and have to eventually part with one

I'm sorry, such a hard decision.  I'm a practical person and would probably opt for keeping mine since it's what I picked out for a reason, however, that said, it doesn't make it any easier, and it's a very hard decision to make, once made it can't be undone...yet we know we can't afford both...my stomach churns just thinking of your dilemma. :(

 

 

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@KMkm  I was exploring the Soaring Spirits organization who offer support for widows/widowers, and through them I discovered another organization that might be of help to you as a parent, The Hummingbird Centre For Hope.  They are based in Ontario, Canada.    https://hummingbirdcentreforhope.com/

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Thank you for thoughtfulness.  I really appreciate people on here looking for one another. I will check it out and look into things that will help me.  I am also researching a place where I live which is in Dryden for guidance.  Thank you again for the help.  

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I am now sleeping 7 hrs a night mostly and every time I wake up I feel like I never slept. This exhaustion is really difficult to deal with and the fog and pain in my head are always there.  I feel like I complain about this and the grief is trying to take me too.  There is no relief and nothing I do helps.  I don't know how others have gone through this.  I seem to find the strength to keep going even though I don't think I can.  I have years to live with this.  I hope I make it, but maybe I'm just hoping to lay down and be with my wife again.  It's been a difficult few weeks with my wife's bday and our anniversary and I just felt like posting something.  Hopefully all who read this find some strength,  if I can do this so can you.  Stay strong my friends.  Life is a journey for us to feel every emotion and to live a full life even if sadness, despair and grief are apart of it. The strength we find in these emotions serve us to help others through their struggle like others have helped us.

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26 minutes ago, KMkm said:

I don't know how others have gone through this.  I seem to find the strength to keep going even though I don't think I can.  I have years to live with this.

That is how I felt...I knew I would potentially live another 40 years...17 down now.  I try not to think about it, it's too hard, I try to stay in today, today is all I can do.

27 minutes ago, KMkm said:

t's been a difficult few weeks with my wife's bday and our anniversary

(((hugs))) You are getting through this, one day at a time, one foot in front of the other.  Thank you for coming here and thinking of US, even in your sorrow. :wub:

 

28 minutes ago, KMkm said:

The strength we find in these emotions serve us to help others through their struggle like others have helped us.

Amen!  Reminds me of one of my favorite verses: 

2 Corinthians 1-4.jpg

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My head is still messed up.  I have headaches and the numb feeling at the front is overwhelming at times.  I can't imagine having to endure this for years so I hope the feeling slowly dissappears.  I'm still struggling with eating which I thought was getting easier for me.  My sleep pattern is erratic again where I sleep anywhere from 2 to 7 hours but I always feel the same in the morning.  Kids are out of school so I'm trying to find things for them to do.  I'm still going though so I guess that's something to encourage me to keep doing this.  I can say that my kids help me with staying alive.  I don't want to leave them.  My anniversary, her birthday and fathers day just passed  which was very hard and they are only 10 days apart.  I'm here and I will keep trying to be.  I wish my wife heard my pleas for a sign or a dream but maybe she's busy with spending time with her family up there, or I'm too messed up to see.

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Ian Curtis

Hang in there. I lost my wife almost 6 months ago and I am still crying every day. I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts. It has been very helpful to me. I really appreciated what you shared about what your counselor said: She then asked me can you live your life if you feel like this forever."  I agree that the answer is yes. I am unhappy now, I might be unhappy for a long time, but people still need me (my son, my elderly mother, my wife's family back in the Philippines, etc.). I have to go on. And although I realize I often feel sorry for myself for my loss, I have to realize I am the lucky one, I am still alive and I can watch a movie or go for a walk or go to a baseball game. I can't spend too much time feeling sorry for myself. I can grieve for my wife, I can continue to do that, I can continue to be sad and unhappy, but I don't want to engage in too much self-pity. I believe I do have a right to feel sorry for myself. I lost my true love. That is devistating. I have the right to feel sorry for myself, but I know that I can't dwell on that specific feeling. It will prevent me from being able to be there for the rest of my family. So thank you so much for sharing. 

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You are strong for carrying on.  Just remember self pit and grief go hand in hand and its ok to feel it.  That doesn't mean you are wrong to feel it.  I feel sorry for myself because my wife passed away.  Yes she is the one that is gone but us as survivors must still walk this earth without them.  Keep strong and keep fighting my friend.  Ask for help anytime you need to and wherever you can cause we all need help.

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2 hours ago, Ian Curtis said:

Hang in there. I lost my wife almost 6 months ago and I am still crying every day.

You and me both my friend................

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21 hours ago, KMkm said:

I can't imagine having to endure this for years

17 years, and way less out, it's NOT the same as day one or even year two!  It evolves and changes form so it's not as difficult as the earlier time, so no need to fear it, but still we have our cruxes, one of which this aloneness gets old, so does being on our own, growing old all the while.  I try to stay in today and not think beyond as it's too much and invites anxiety...which I don't need.

@Ian Curtis I'm glad you posted!  

 

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12 hours ago, Scott56 said:

I also lost my wife 6 months ago, at times it still feels like a really bad dream. I have had  good days where I get involved with something and I am not in any pain or feeling the loss for hours at a time. The sadness comes from nowhere and overwhelms  me in the form of a memory , a smell or sometimes from being somewhere without her that we would always be together. 
I feel like I have had the sad flu for 6 months. I am doing everything that I can to stay busy and be productive . I know I have come a long way and me and my kids are doing well but my mind seems to be stuck on sad. I am aware that this takes time and that we are ok , I really hate being sad all the time. As a Father and husband I always fixed things or arranged for repairs, this one is way above my pay grade.

I just got Gratitude tattooed on my forearm to help me remember that I am alive and well. I am going to get through this by continuing to move forward. Thank  you for letting me vent and God bless all of you that are here helping each other.

 

Wow Scott,  I lost my wife about 8 months ago.  My God, has it really been 8 months? Every sentence you wrote has been my experience so far, ( All except the tattoo :-)) I'm sorry you've been living this bad dream as I have, but somehow it makes me feel less alone.

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11 hours ago, Scott56 said:

I just got Gratitude tattooed on my forearm to help me remember that I am alive and well.

Good for you!  I love that!  Our attitude/focus can be one of our greatest assets...or hindrances in getting through this.  So good to try to keep positive!  Like you already know, we need the constant reminders, so great idea!

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18 hours ago, Scott56 said:

I also lost my wife 6 months ago, at times it still feels like a really bad dream. I have had  good days where I get involved with something and I am not in any pain or feeling the loss for hours at a time. The sadness comes from nowhere and overwhelms  me in the form of a memory , a smell or sometimes from being somewhere without her that we would always be together. 
I feel like I have had the sad flu for 6 months. I am doing everything that I can to stay busy and be productive . I know I have come a long way and me and my kids are doing well but my mind seems to be stuck on sad. I am aware that this takes time and that we are ok , I really hate being sad all the time. As a Father and husband I always fixed things or arranged for repairs, this one is way above my pay grade.

I just got Gratitude tattooed on my forearm to help me remember that I am alive and well. I am going to get through this by continuing to move forward. Thank  you for letting me vent and God bless all of you that are here helping each other.

Hey Scott. I agree, it does still feel like a dream (a bad one) and unreal, even after 6 months. I still can't contemplate that she is gone or contemplate a future with out my wife. When you have found your soulmate, most questions in your life seem to have already been answered: "What am I going to do with the rest of my life?" easy, spend it with her.  Questions about where to go on vacation didn't seem difficult because it didn't matter as long as it was with her. Now, I don't have any answers to these questions and feel lost. I try to remind myself I am blessed to be still alive and that I have the freedom to do (almost) anything I want, it just doesn't feel like a blessing and feels overwhelming.  

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After a long day of yard work(in Chrissy’s garden) I went in the pool and every second was torture because she wasn’t in it with me or on the deck talking to me.Things that used to be relaxing and enjoyable are now torture.As a family my kids and I are doing well in day to day life, I feel like I want to go live in a cabin in the woods. I am tired of doing everything and putting on a brave face. When I sit down at night my mind races with crap that I need to do or check , my wife used to do the same thing . She relaxed when she slept and now I see what she went through.

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Getting through the day is hard for me still.  I feel the same about what was once enjoyable now feels like torture.  I sometimes don't want to to live in our house or go anywhere we did before.  Swimming at beaches, going over to see friends or even grocery shopping makes me feel like going home and convincing myself to end it.  I know my kids need me so I can't but it doesn't mean I don't want to.  The complete despair and sadness sometimes momentarily lessens but it always comes back.  I want to keep my mind going to forget how I feel but I know that I have to feel the grief to get through it.  I hope one day I begin to feel a little less sad and maybe even a little happier but for now there isn't a light at the end if the tunnel.

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Angelly Ramona

Although no words can really help to ease the loss you bear, just know that you are very close in every thought and prayer.I am at a loss for words during this sorrowful time. Please know that I am thinking of you and praying for peace and comfort.I will be your friend to console and support you anytime.. Am sorry again

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Thanks to everyone that sends their condolences.  I know that a lot of people have lost loved ones and the pain is different for everyone.  The pain will always be a constant reminder of the love I have for my wife.  I wish I could help others somehow but at least talking, sharing and being there in case they need something is all I can do.  This pain hurts more than anything I have felt before but I will continue to move forward for my kids and myself.  Thanks again to everyone.  I am taking my kids for our annual camping trip but this year my wife wont be there and it will be really hard.  My family will be there to support us this time so I hope I can find some enjoyment.  Stay strong my friends.

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As much it sucks being in this situation , being on this site gives me comfort. There are countless others that have experienced some sort of loss and are in their own nightmare. Seeing that I am not alone makes me want to comfort or help others and I get relief through that. I find myself looking for the good in people or looking for ways to help someone since my wife(Chrissy) passed. I can feel her smiling at me sometimes.Have a great time with your kids.

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23 hours ago, KMkm said:

My family will be there to support us this time so I hope I can find some enjoyment.

I do hope you will find enjoyment being with your family in the fresh outdoors, bring her with you...

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I spread the ashes of my late wife in the lake and a place on a trail where we took pictures every year. Ihope by spreading her ashes it ties her to this place. It was extreme hard on me.  I haven't eaten more than a few berries over the last few days.  I probably won't eat today either. Not having work to do is taking its toll on me.  I have to sit with this grief every day and I can't find anything that will occupy my mind so I can take a break from feeling like this.  My family is concerned since I hide myself away from everyone but I feel my sad nature will bring everyone down and I don't want to ruin it for everyone.  My wifes friend is here and her kids play with mine so that's good for them.  Maybe today will be different.  Stay strong my friends.  I'm still here.

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I recently joined a grief group , they have gatherings and also a Facebook page. Along with this group I feel that I am getting help.Attended a picnic last night for the first time , was very interesting. It helped me speaking with others that have gone through the same thing. I am also thankful for all I have because some people have nothing as a result of their loss. Stay strong my friend and reach out any time you want or need to.

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Scott, I'm glad you're getting help.  

@KMkm Thinking of you as we head into our weekend...

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On 7/9/2022 at 3:15 PM, Ian Curtis said:

Hey Scott. I agree, it does still feel like a dream (a bad one) and unreal, even after 6 months. I still can't contemplate that she is gone or contemplate a future with out my wife. When you have found your soulmate, most questions in your life seem to have already been answered: "What am I going to do with the rest of my life?" easy, spend it with her.  Questions about where to go on vacation didn't seem difficult because it didn't matter as long as it was with her. 

This is exactly me, too.  It's been a month for me and all I can think of is, "Now what?"

 

To the Original Poster,  KMkm,  I was having difficulty decided where to put my husband's ashes.  We live right beside the ocean and he always wanted his ashes put at Cape Mudge, off Quadra Island, but I can't bear the thought of putting them somewhere I can't get to if I want to go and sit with him.  I can't put the ashes right out in front of our house because that will tie me here forever and I know I won't want to stay here for the rest of my life.

It's funny how something like this can stop us in our tracks.  I know it's just ashes; it's not him.  He's gone.  I'm not a religious person.  Whatever made him my John is gone. But there is such an attachment to anything left of him that I'm deeply  tied to it.  

I've finally settled on a spot in the ocean at the end of a trail, where we often went and sat together.  Later in the year I'll have a few friends come with me and spread his ashes there, and it will be a place I can come to as the years go by. 

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I believe that spreading ashes ties us to places but not in a permanent way.  I think that when I place my wife's ashes it may give her a sense of connection to a place she might have a hard time visiting.  I decided along with her parents to share them and she is mostly in columbarium.  She is also divided among smaller urns and lockets between a few close family members.  When I spread her ashes in the lake I believe she now has the ability to freely visit somewhere she loved or at least maybe have a sense of what the place meant to her.  I have no idea though it's just a thought.  In the end I think it just gives me peace of mind knowing that the last of her physical form is either with loved ones or places she loved.

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That's a lovely thought. 

 

Over the last few days I've also decided that some of the ashes are staying with me, in the lovely wooden urn I had made for him. The rest will go into the ocean, as he wanted.

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That sounds like a wonderful idea, I kind of wish I'd done that, but hadn't thought of it.

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It's been a really long time it seems since I posted.  I started trying to regain some normalcy by doing more.  In my attempt to try and find a way to provide an income for me and my kids I invested and was scammed oit of all my money.  I am now trying to find someone that deals with fund recovery.  I feel like without my wife I'm making stupid decisions and not thinking properly.  I feel worse than I have in a while and I keep asking my late wife for some sort of sign.  Anyway I thought I would post here to let people know how I'm doing and how gullible I am in my vulnerable state.  Hopefully others aren't making the same mistakes as I am.  I now worry about my kids and how I can keep going.  Stay strong my friends.  

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On 9/30/2022 at 6:17 AM, KMkm said:

Anyway I thought I would post here to let people know how I'm doing and how gullible I am in my vulnerable state.  

I'm sorry to hear this happened to you. We live in such a predatory world and there's no doubt that grievers are a specific target of scammers and schemers. I guess knowing and understanding our vulnerability is helpful in not getting too angry with ourselves when something devious does occur. High hopes that you're able to find the right person in assisting with fund recovery. 

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On 9/30/2022 at 3:17 AM, KMkm said:

Anyway I thought I would post here to let people know how I'm doing and how gullible I am in my vulnerable state.

It's not only you, I think that's a newer griever thing...we ARE vulnerable in early grief!

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I agree that I am vulnerable but also I feel gullible. As I probably mentioned before.  I had to quit my job in order to be able to care for my kids.  I started my own appliance repair business since there isn't anyone within 100kms of where I live.  My mental capacity is not great and I was looking for something to offset my financial obligations and allow me to heal more slowly.  I invested with an organization with hopes of seeing a return and not having to work as hard and also only working a few days a week.  I am going to keep fighting and hopefully I will get back on my feet.  Thank you for your thoughts and I hope everyone else is staying strong.  

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I hope that investment pays off...I just had to cancel my credit card (fraud)...I feel I must be gullible, I definitely feel my brain wasn't working in the moment, can't believe I'm going through this!  Ugh.

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I am struggling with today so I thought I would post.  I'm contemplating ending it all to be honest.  I know I won't but I have thought about it.  Knowing that my kids would lose not just their mom but their selfish dad is what keeps me going.  I feel horrible and it's not all the time but now when it hits me I almost fall apart.  I miss my beautiful wife so much.  It hurts worse to watch my kids suffer.  The people I swore to protect above all else.  I failed, my wife is gone and my kids are sad.  I know I have no control but I still feel that way.  I hate lofe some days.  I hate God for protecting me through all my near death experiences just to bring me to this point.  I pray every day to switch spots with her.  I pray for something else, I ask why did you save me all those times just to allow me to live through this hell.  Am I that horrible a person through all my mistakes and sins to take someone who was perfect in my eyes and to the eyes of every single person who met her.  I'm no one...no one special, I don't offer anything to anyone.  I am sad and can barely get through each day, watching my kids go through these times as I sit in despair and grief.  Why am I here, why couldn't I have died those dozens of times where somehow luck saved me.  I curse this luck now, and my health.  I will press on through these dark times, a shell of my former self.  Tomorrow, tomorrow will be better.  I can only pray that it is.  Stay strong my friends.

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Dear KMkm 

Your post is so raw. I can feel your heaviness and your pain and your greif. I too was at a near death experience and fought the battle for 2 years only to have God decide to take my husband through COVID-19. I will continue to pray for your strengths and for your children. You are stronger than you can imagine being here for your children. Keep fighting friend You can do this.

Blessings Lost7 

 

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KMkm, praying that you keep pushing on and keep fighting. It is fight & a battle each day now, without the ones we loved so much. The pain is so much & the sadness so overwhelming. You also have your children’s grief too, which is equally hard. I know it is easier said then done, but let them be your motivation when you feel you can’t go on, they will get you through and of course you have a little bit of your wife in them.

I know also how you feel. I hate God sometimes (feel bad saying that, but he can take it) for always protecting my husband through a number of near misses with health to only take him in the end. Life is so cruel and sometimes I also wonder what did I do or did we do to deserve this. (Although I know in my head it doesn’t work like that).

And I don’t believe that you don’t offer anything to anyone. Your life is important and you mean a lot to the family and friends that love you.

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12 hours ago, KMkm said:

Am I that horrible a person

No, just broken...and its that He came for, to restore, its a process and I pray you give yourself and kids that chance...don't take it away, hang on, for dear life even if it doesn't seem so dear right now.

from someone who cares.

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16 hours ago, Sim7079 said:

I hate God sometimes (feel bad saying that, but he can take it) for always protecting my husband through a number of near misses with health to only take him in the end

20 hours ago, KMkm said:

I hate God for protecting me through all my near death experiences just to bring me to this point.  I pray every day to switch spots with her.  I pray for something else, I ask why did you save me all those times just to allow me to live through this hell

@KMkm @Sim7079 I understand why you hate God for your deep losses but I commend you for still having faith. You might be angry, but you still believe and pray.

I have been a faithful praying believing Christian for all my 50-something years. Ever since my husband died 18 months ago, when I pray it is no longer the loving two-way conversation it always was. God has gone deaf. All I feel is cold indifference.

Along with hell of losing my husband, I am in a spiritual wasteland. I really hate admitting this, but in order to hate God, I would have to admit I am having problems believing He is still there. - BohoKat 

 

 

 

 

 

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This is what I love about this site and the friendship we have all developed. We can be totally honest and say things that we might feel that we shouldn’t, or if we tell others they wouldn’t understand or would worry unnecessary. There is no judgment.

You are right I do have a very strong faith and although I am angry at God. My faith and God at the same time keeps me strong and shows me beautiful signs from my husband that signifies that death is not the end, which gives me comfort. But it is still an on off relationship with God, not like before. A bit like you have said in terms of God going deaf.

But I’m working on it so I don’t feel that way.

 

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Thank you @Sim7079. You give me hope and courage to keep going to Mass and Bible Study, and to keep praying. And looking for signs from Mark. Peace, BohoKat 

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I believe that something is there cause it's a miracle I'm alive.  Some say dumb luck and others well I've meant to survive cause my wife's journey was to end like it did and I need to be here for my kids.  It hasn't been easy nor has it been as hard as others have suffered but my pain is deep and I pray to whomever will listen.  I do believe in something cause for me to have found my wife and for her to see something g in me must have been an act of a God like being.  She was perfect in everyone's eyes and I have been a screw up from day one with not much to offer.  I pray for a sign but like I usve heard a hundred times...the signs I ask for don't come in an instant but are sprinkled about in various forms.   Like I need that though.  I am horrible at seeing things and my wife knows that.  I'll leave you with this though.  I was digging a hole to jack up a shed for a friend and needed to male a trench for the jack.  As I dug I noticed something, and that something was a heart cut from what looks like a vinyl seat from an old boat or car.  I would have never found it if I never lost my wife, nor took a job specifically beside this gentleman's place. I fixed his neighbour's washer and he asked if I could fix some stuff around his place.20221016_223813.jpg.e6015e964a3d9c6e963fbf401cc613a6.jpg

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