Lost my wife.

[KayC]

@Scott56  I am so sorry for your loss, but am glad you found your way here.  It helps to know what you are feeling is normal in grief, that you're not alone.  We welcome you and hope you'll continue to come here to read and post as it helps process grief.

I hear what you're saying, we hadn't retired yet, he died just after his 51st birthday...now I'm growing old alone.  That was not the plan.  I've learned to carry my grief but nothing about my life is the same.

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Ken57]

11 hours ago, Scott56 said:

i recently retired and we were planning our future

@scott56, I am 2.5 years away from planned "retirement". However will be alone and have a blank slate to figure out what that means. My wife and I were true soulmates and cancer took its toll last Nov. It is scary to think ahead and I take it day2day. I will have to figure out the purpose of my life and the reason for why I am still here and then follow that purpose until my time comes and we can be together.

[William M]

Right there with you guys.  I planned to retire within 2 or 3 years from now. I don't know what retirement means now. Having neglected my wife for years with no big trips, or travel, the big plan was to finally see the country, and I was looking forward to it too, as now I could do it stress free with all the free time in the world. I promised her we would finally get out and travel.  I don't see how I could ever do that now? I'm positive I would always be burdened by the thought that I short changed her, as she never got to travel, What does that leave now?  What a depressing way to end a lifetime.

[Jen H]

14 hours ago, Scott56 said:

Found last years Valentines card today and it had a very strong effect on my brain.

I was going through a shoe box of pics and cards about a week s ago and found last year's Valentine's Day card from him.  The theme was your all I need.  How ironic.  My heart fell on the floor.  I put on card on my dresser with other gifts and pics of him.  

[KMkm]

I found some pictures of our wedding and I cried for hours.  I can't believe that all my plans have changed.  I made a decision that I will continue to work as long as I can.  Retirement has no meaning for me now.  If I can find some hobbies to keep me occupied that might change my mind but I won't be retiring for another 25 years.  I have to find a new career now since the job I had will be to hard to work and take care of kids and management doesn't care one bit about the lives of its employees.  I have been trying to find some way to give me a break from this grief even for a split second.  Sleep is my only escape when it comes.

[Sparky1]

5 hours ago, William M said:

Having neglected my wife for years with no big trips, or travel, the big plan was to finally see the country, and I was looking forward to it too, as now I could do it stress free with all the free time in the world. I promised her we would finally get out and travel.

I understand exactly your situation as mine was identical. The last trip we went on was 9 years before my wife passed away. She kept telling me that she wanted to do things while she still could ( she had MS for a long time). Me always worrying about work, did not want to take long vacations and now I regret it very much. I tell people now no one knows what tomorrow will bring, spending quality time with your loved ones comes first.

[Scott56]

I am grateful that i had no regrets and no apologies to make concerning our marriage  at the time of my wife's passing. Since finding this site yesterday i have come to realize that there are others who are in more pain than i am and that coming together as a group we can help each other . Just reading others posts lets me see that we are going through much of the same emotions and some of our circumstances are very similar. Every day brings a new understanding of myself , my strengths and weaknesses. People tell me they are impressed at how well i am doing because i am doing everything that i am supposed to do to keep my kids and i fed and feeling normal. I don't feel strong or good and certainly not impressive.I am always a minute away from my next mental collapse. It may be very small or short lived but my day is filled with micro breakdowns that someone may or may not notice. I go through the motions praying to God to help me carry on with the hope that the pain will eventually stop attacking me. My two young adult children had a bad day today , they were remembering how their Mom would make Valetine's day special for them and we talked for quite awhile about her. She was the force behind the household and she can't be replaced but her memory will be honored in all that we do.Knowing that she is watching us helps me to keep doing the next right thing and honoring her legacy and all that she has done. It feels very good to get this all out of my heart and onto a page, can't imagine doing this alone. Thank you all for being here. 

[KMkm]

Yesterday was hard for me as well.  My wife made every holiday or even the weekends special.  She was very artistic and outgoing.  She made sure the kids had projects or play dates with other kids.  She enjoyed life no matter where she was or what she did.  I feel the same in the aspect of barely getting by as others see me as a strong Dad.  No one cam see me breakdown or how my mind teeters on the verge of falling apart every second of the day.  When I feel like just giving up I always think about one thing and maybe it will help others.  When you feel like giving up and want to see your loved one just imagine the pain you feel and then placing that pain and suffering on others cause they will feel that way when you pass.  My kids would be devastated to lose me since I am the only parent they have left.  My family would carry the burden of raising my kids which is selfish for me to do to them.  Life in some aspects sucks beyond words but I feel that to live is to feel love and also pain.  To know what it feels like and to be able to empathize with others who go through this.  I would give my life to have my wife back but I can't hide from the pain and I want to feel like life is worth living again.  Hopefully sooner than later it will happen.  

[KayC]

20 hours ago, William M said:

I promised her we would finally get out and travel.  I don't see how I could ever do that now?

Do it for/with her...take her with you in spirit, talk to her, show her places, who cares if anyone thinks you're crazy, you're not, maybe she CAN be with you and see it all, who knows?!  One thing grief has taught me is to be open to possibilities, whether I understand fully or not, whether there's any scientific explanation or not.  Believe.  Maybe I have crossed the edge...

Yesterday was a day like any other to me, I didn't hear from anyone except one person who always wants something, sure enough.   No calls from the kids. Friends...nada.  So I decided to brighten someone else's day since I couldn't my own.  I took Kodie (puppy) to visit my disabled/dementia sister, brought her take out, second time this week but I didn't want to ignore Valentine's Day for her sake.  I knew it might be the only contact she had, and who knows how long I'll have her.

[CovinaCa]

I lost the love of my life after 43 years together. She truly was the better half of me. She left just 11 days ago. She was diagnosed with liver cancer 7 months ago. Until 2 months ago the cancer was receding then it became resistant to the treatment. We thought she would be healed. I blame myself for not getting her to the doctor until it was too late. The doctor told us it's almost impossible to detect until it's too late.

I cry more outside the home because I'll see something she would like and want to call her and talk about it. More than anything else, I miss talking to her.

[William M]

5 hours ago, CovinaCa said:

I cry more outside the home because I'll see something she would like and want to call her and talk about it. More than anything else, I miss talking to her.

Yes, Everything you wrote there. 

[KayC]

5 hours ago, CovinaCa said:

I lost the love of my life after 43 years together. She truly was the better half of me. She left just 11 days ago

I am so sorry for your loss..  My MIL was my "mom of choice" and I loved her with all my heart, she got breast cancer, survived it for over five years, then liver & bone cancer...they sent her home to die, thought she had about two weeks, she was bedridden with it for nearly three years.  I took care of her and her household (my kids were age 1-5 during that time) in the daytime while dad took the night shift.  It is both a horrice/hard time but also special in a way I can't describe...there are no words adequate.  I didn't see how I would live without her, that was 34 1/2 years ago...to lose your wife to this dreaded disease, it evokes the most sorrowful emotion.  I am truly sorry.

I AM glad you found your way here...I lost my husband 16 1/2 years ago to heart attack w/diabetic complications.  Then I was diagnosed with diabetes.  The last couple of years I've been helping manage a couple of diabetic groups and learning/learning/learning about this complicated "disease" as the medical community does not treat the root cause but bandages it with Rxs, inadequate and insufficient.  Most doctors know little about it because the teaching is so inadequate.

This is very soon in your journey.  At this point in time I was still in shock as it was sudden/unexpected, he was barely 51.  It was a group such as this that literally saved me.  I was in grief fog, and it helped to know there were others that were going through similar experiences and understood.  Posting/reading helps us process our grief.

Grief Process

 

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[KMkm]

I'm sorry to hear of your wife's passing.  It is tough to watch someone battle cancer.  My wife felt fine when diagnosed then she went for her first chemo treatment and then went downhill from there.  She never really recovered and the chemo took away the ability for her body to fight.  I also blame myself for not doing something but in fact there isn't anything we can do.  I am angry, depressed, anxious, and above all grieving.  I don't cry all the time and I feel bad about it.  I am so exhausted from crying and life doesn't matter to me but my kids need a father.  You spent a lot of time together but that never makes things better.  I was married for 12 and some others even less.  Cry as much as you want and anywhere you want.  It makes me feel better to let go of the emotion by crying or talking honestly to anyone who wants to listen.  The first two months were very difficult and it took a lot to get through them.  The horrible feeling in my stomach comes and goes now and let's me function but the pressure in my head is still there.  Just keep posting and communicating with anyone who can comfort you.  I hope your pain is replaced by joy soon.

[CovinaCa]

KMkm, I try to blame myself and get angry every day. Then she speaks in my mind and argues the point with me, saying I could not have done any more for her than what I did. She always won real arguments too!

[John60]

I lost my wife of 40 years a year ago, first few months were terrible all the emotions guilt, what if! Everyone seems to go through the same after reading other peoples experiences. As the months passed I was crying less albeit couldn't quite start sorting out my wife's belongings, but I read there isn't a right time and no hurry. As I say time passed  and started to believe everyone's advice that time is a healer! Now I'm approaching the anniversary of her death I have regressed back and very depressed, crying a lot more, its feelings of being back to the beginning of grief. I'm so fed up of feeling so rubbish. People on the outside except after a year that you over it!  I'm lucky as have two adult children and grandchildren, also been thinking about a companion again as ihate being alone had a couple of dates which felt good. But recently seem to have no interest in anything and struggle with my emotions and back crying at the least little thing. I'm on antidepressants last 6 months I was going to try and come off them soon but no way I'm thinking of speaking to Dr to get stronger one's.. If thats possible. I'm drained of the situation, I've learned you cannot keep wishing for something you can't get back get all that but why I've gone back 9 months with my emotions I haven't a clue. I need to get back to looking forward to the future and see what adventures are out there but this last month I just don't care what happens. 

[KMkm]

I don't know how I will feel in the future.  My wife was my everything.  I know I will have a very difficult time going forward.  Don't be hard on yourself cause emotions are hard to control.  Grief will be with us from now on just waiting to push us down at anytime.  I haven't been grieving for long but maybe someone who has felt grief cripple them after a lot of time has passed can shed some light.  You spent a very long time together and the grief will probably take a long time to diminish to a point where it's easier to deal with.  I was with my wife for 18 years and married for 12.  I believe that the rest of my life will be a fight to regain a sense of normalcy.  I fight the urge to end it everyday but what keeps me going is to think about that she is with me and if I can enjoy life again then she can enjoy watching me and experiencing the same things.  When I die I pray that I will see her again and I will look her straight in the eyes and ask "How did I do?".  Please try to experience the sadness and just know that will happen cause your love for her will be strong no matter what time has passed.  Our loved ones never wanted us to be sad, but we are and that's just the way it is when they are gone.  Hopefully something or someone can help you through the tough times and on to better ones.  We live with grief but don't let it control you.  Let it overtake you and cry as much as you want then pick yourself up and breath for a minute.  I feel that crying makes me feel better but it takes a lot out of you and I am exhausted everyday.  Hopefully something I said helps and if not then as questions and someone will have some good advice.  I pray for strength and guidance for all of us.

[KayC]

On 2/16/2022 at 5:36 AM, KMkm said:

I don't cry all the time and I feel bad about it.

I don't know why we do this to ourselves, but we do, we lay guilt on ourselves for even being normal.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, it is our love and that continues still.  We aren't mean to cry all the time.  It would destroy our eyes and would not bring them back or help at all.  We don't need to prove our love to them, we did it every day when they were here!

13 hours ago, CovinaCa said:

She always won real arguments too!

LOL I love this!  It brought me a smile...

7 hours ago, John60 said:

I lost my wife of 40 years a year ago, first few months were terrible all the emotions guilt, what if!

Yes, the "what ifs" are normal/common, it's as if we can't handle the outcome that happened so we're looking for a different possible one...not that we're guilty of anything!  We love them!

I am so sorry for your loss, you've made it through a year, but like us have undoubtedly already discovered that's just the beginning of this grief journey.  It's not for a set period of time.  I'm glad you found your way here,posting/reading helps to process our grief, knowing we're not alone in how we're feeling and there's others here that get it and understand.  Our family/friends care but their loss of the same person is different from ours and they don't have a clue what this is like, to lose your soul mate, companion, best friend.  40 years together, that's a lifetime!

You've already seen this, I'm sure, but I want to make sure you save/print this, and it's easy to find your first post even years later....and thus this response.  This is an every evolving journey.

Grief Process
Depression vs symtomatic depression in grief

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Scott56]

i just came off of several very bad days. i was extremely sad from the moment i woke up and it would stay with me all day. I came out of it yesterday and now only get the waves when they come. It feels wrong somehow to enjoy anything at this point and i know this is not realistic. I signed up to take guitar lessons at a local music store starting this week and i am looking forward to getting back into the guitar. I take walks on the beach everyday no matter the temp or weather. My house is all in order and the kids are adjusting and working and attending college. The sadness i felt last week has turned to emptiness or hopelessness. i am going through the motions . i dread the sun going down and being here in the house without my wife at night. Since retiring we were mostly together everyday ,working around the house or doing chores. i drove her for all her errands and tagged along for doctors visits and pretty much anything else she had to do when she wanted company. To be doing all these things alone now doesn't seem real. I am not giving up and part of my brain is looking forward to having a partner again someday. i guess i just need hope and time. it is good to get this out and read it, it helps me when i feel hopeless and confused.

[KMkm]

I hope that the bad days are fewer for you.  I just completed my thank you cards that I wanted to send to all the people that reached out about my wife's passing.  It was very hard and I actually looked up suicide help on my phone.  I know I don't want to take that path because I have two young kids but this grief is sometimes unbearable.  I couldn't imagine the pain you are experiencing.  I hope you find things to keep you busy even for short amounts of time.  I decided to take a small appliance repair course to keep my mind busy as well as trying to laser engrave and build my wife's urn.  I know how grief tries to suffocate you in ways you wouldn't have imagined but every day either good or bad is a day you can look back on eventually and say "I did it".  Try and write as much as you can if it help and cry as much as you want.  If you believe that we are alive to learn what it means to be human, maybe its our turn to feel how loving someone so deeply can also hurt us just as much.  If it helps try reading about the after life or books about signs and how our loved ones try to communicate.  I felt a little better knowing that my wife is still around.  Even if I don't see any signs I want to believe that she is waiting for me and I'm only here because I have to be for some reason.  I cry a lot and I also feel like joining her but I want to try the things I never truly enjoyed like she did.  Sitting on our deck on a sunny day,  playing with our kids at the beach, reading a good book(I hate reading), dancing with our kids, walking all over our property feeling the power of nature.  Just don't give up and maybe we can all get through this together and when we do we can also help others along the way. Hopefully something I wrote helps a little.  If not I'll try harder next time.  

[RN-Nix]

PLEASE don't give up. I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my soulmate on Christmas eve to cancer and didn't get to say good bye. The next time I saw him was in a casket. The pain, heartache and tears seems as if it will NEVER end BUT those who have gone through this process before me says it will get better and I trust them because they've been there. I'm in no position to comfort anyone because I'm also in the midst of my grief BUT what you're going through is a part of the process. I'm new here but just to see that there are others on here with similar sorrows is comforting because I know that we are not alone.  Don't give up!!!! You're children NEED YOU!!!! What works for me is taking it 1 hour at a time. If you feel like crying for that entire hour then do so. The tears will slowly subside to give you some relief but it will  come back and then you take on the next hour. Trust me I'm all torn up inside so for me to be able to encourage you is a huge step and one day you will find yourself doing the same for someone else. We are on an emotional rollercoaster with the highs and lows. Stay encouraged.  Your children are also going through it and if they loose you too that would be TRAGIC in their young lives. Keep coming here to grieve. I definitely feel your pain.

[KayC]

14 hours ago, Scott56 said:

It feels wrong somehow to enjoy anything at this point

Self torture won't bring her back, it won't illustrate your love for her, it won't help anything, only hurt...and yet this is something most of us have to work through and struggle to learn how important it is to be patient, understanding, kind, forgiving of ourselves, treat ourselves with self-care now that they are gone, they aren't here to do it or help us through what we're going through, it's up to us to do it, to be our own best friend.  It's not an easy thing to learn to do, to change, but so essential to our well-being!  The truth is, many of us don't value ourselves when they first die, we don't value our lives.  I'd taken such good care of myself and for the next umpteen years I didn't care to.  I ate my emotions away.  I've since begun a journey to health that I wish I'd realized and learned earlier.  George would be proud of me.  I didn't know what I didn't know.  It does no good to berate ourselves for what we didn't know, we have only today, to learn, to go on.  I'm doing it.  I try not to think too in depth about the future, easier to stay in today, I can do that.  But I try to make the best choices I can for myself.  

I hope you take the guitar lessons!  And I hope you enjoy them.  Your wife would love it, I speak for all the wives that care about their husbands and want to see them flourish.  

5 hours ago, KMkm said:

I decided to take a small appliance repair course to keep my mind busy as well as trying to laser engrave and build my wife's urn.

This is a wonderful idea!  And I hope you enjoy it as well, ;it's something constructive.  It's always good to be creative, it's a different part of our brain and feeds our soul in a new way.  And we'd love to see the urn if you want to show us when the time comes. 

 

[KayC]

1 hour ago, RN-Nix said:

What works for me is taking it 1 hour at a time.

Good, I did the same in the early grief.  

[RN-Nix]

That's all I know to do. The clichés upset me...such as "take it 1 day at a time" looking at a full day is so overwhelming to me so i choose 1 hour at a time. 

[KayC]

7 minutes ago, RN-Nix said:

The clichés upset me

Cliches of Grief - Avoiding the

I'm sorry it upset you that I suggested one day at a time, it's how I've done the last 16 1/2 years and how I'll live the rest of my life, but it's also good to note that in the beginning, I broke it down into one hour at a time, sometimes even just one min., whatever you can handle.  It will gradually lengthen, but I have anxiety to begin with and grief sure didn't help it any, so this is how I do my life.  What bothers one person can comfort another, so is the disparity of grief...

[KMkm]

I will for sure show the urn I am building.  It will be made of maple and cherrywood with laser engraving and it will be a companion urn with two boxes.  I live my life somedays one hour or even just not even focusing on time.  I usually try to feed my kids and get them on the bus then study, clean, work on the urn, or something that hopefully will take my mind off this horrible empty feeling.  Then I will usually try and grieve a bit so as to not avoid it. Then when the kids get back I usually try to focus on them.  The grief will find its way back no matter what I do.  I'm really trying to think about good things and the new seasons approaching but even that comes with its own grief inducing thoughts.  My wife loved working on her garden or raking leaves under our red pines.  Hanging laundry or just decorating or doing her art outside...all the unfinished art I will have to sort through has me crying as I write this.  I pray for better days, better times, times when grief isn't as strong.  My wife's death destroyed a piece of me but I'm not letting grief destroy the rest.  I am stronger than this.  I hope we all have a goal in life to one day long from now reunite with our lost loved ones and be able to be proud of how we found happiness again.

[C L]

7 hours ago, RN-Nix said:

@RN-Nix You are going to run into a lot of people who don't know what to say.  My step brother called me the other day to check on me.  I have a cabin on a river that my wife and I bought as part of our retirement dream.  He asked if I had been up there and I'm like, um no...way too many memories.  He was like Oh you should go up there.  It will clear your head.  You have to take steps to heal.  Clearly he has no clue what he is saying.  I'm definitely not at the point where I could go up there, maybe never.  I might just sell it.  He didn't mean anything by it.  It was just an example of a person not knowing what we are really going through.

 

[Scott56]

I have a friend that is constantly trying to quick fix the sudden and horrible loss of my wife with suggestions that might work for a recent breakup or fight. He has never been married or had any children so he has no idea what i am going through.He is however a good friend that means well ,and for that i value his friendship. I have been reading a book on accepting loss that has helped me on a daily basis.I also am a member of a  program that enables me to help others that have different problems. 2 people have come into my life in the past week that have needed help and it takes my mind off of my troubles and gives me purpose. I am on auto pilot looking for anything to do or keep busy with. I spent an hour going through mail that came today after a holiday. i made a list of things to do tomorrow and people to call because i don't understand some of the bills or bank mail or why my old employer sent me a bill for something. This is all stuff i used to drop on the desk and tell my wife, you've got mail. The changes in my life are severe and as i accomplish new tasks and move on to the next one i am starting to feel stronger. i am frustrated because it never stops and it feels like i have been at it for a year but it isn't quite 2 months. My daughters 21st birthday is coming up real soon and i know i can't do the things her Mom would have done . i talked to her about it and she said it is ok , lets just go out for dinner and keep it simple. My kids are helping me and are a constant reminder of what a wonderful woman my wife was . All over the place here tonight, that is my mind at the moment. 

[KMkm]

I'm glad you have a good friend.  Friends try and that's what's important and it might not help and it's ok.  I always enjoy the very thought of people tying to help even when it doesn't.  I tell myself that she wants me to be happy.  She doesn't want to watch me be sad and not be able to help me feel better.  It's on me to fight this and be happy once again.  When you and your daughter celebrate her birthday just remember your wife is there with you cause she wouldn't be any other place.   I have a long way to go before my daughter celebrates that milestone.  I know I'll still be posting on her for as long as I can.  Or til I offend one to many people and I get banned.   Also God bless you that you help others.  You are a great man.  Keep fighting and I will too.

[KayC]

14 hours ago, C L said:

It was just an example of a person not knowing what we are really going through.

I would respond, "I will do what I feel is best for me, in due time."  Leave it at that.  I'm sorry you had to endure another thoughtless comment from someone who hasn't been there.

 

9 hours ago, KMkm said:

Or til I offend one to many people and I get banned.

Ha!  I doubt that'll happen!  Some of us are outspoken, still here.    I doubt the moderators read these posts unless someone reports one of us for something.  They have day jobs too.

10 hours ago, Scott56 said:

he said it is ok , lets just go out for dinner and keep it simple.

I'm glad you have your kids.  I hope they stay close to you.

[Scott56]

On 2/22/2022 at 10:01 AM, RN-Nix said:

PLEASE don't give up. I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my soulmate on Christmas eve to cancer and didn't get to say good bye. The next time I saw him was in a casket. The pain, heartache and tears seems as if it will NEVER end BUT those who have gone through this process before me says it will get better and I trust them because they've been there. I'm in no position to comfort anyone because I'm also in the midst of my grief BUT what you're going through is a part of the process. I'm new here but just to see that there are others on here with similar sorrows is comforting because I know that we are not alone.  Don't give up!!!! You're children NEED YOU!!!! What works for me is taking it 1 hour at a time. If you feel like crying for that entire hour then do so. The tears will slowly subside to give you some relief but it will  come back and then you take on the next hour. Trust me I'm all torn up inside so for me to be able to encourage you is a huge step and one day you will find yourself doing the same for someone else. We are on an emotional rollercoaster with the highs and lows. Stay encouraged.  Your children are also going through it and if they loose you too that would be TRAGIC in their young lives. Keep coming here to grieve. I definitely feel your pain.

 

On 2/22/2022 at 11:41 AM, KayC said:

Self torture won't bring her back, it won't illustrate your love for her, it won't help anything, only hurt...and yet this is something most of us have to work through and struggle to learn how important it is to be patient, understanding, kind, forgiving of ourselves, treat ourselves with self-care now that they are gone, they aren't here to do it or help us through what we're going through, it's up to us to do it, to be our own best friend.  It's not an easy thing to learn to do, to change, but so essential to our well-being!  The truth is, many of us don't value ourselves when they first die, we don't value our lives.  I'd taken such good care of myself and for the next umpteen years I didn't care to.  I ate my emotions away.  I've since begun a journey to health that I wish I'd realized and learned earlier.  George would be proud of me.  I didn't know what I didn't know.  It does no good to berate ourselves for what we didn't know, we have only today, to learn, to go on.  I'm doing it.  I try not to think too in depth about the future, easier to stay in today, I can do that.  But I try to make the best choices I can for myself.  

I hope you take the guitar lessons!  And I hope you enjoy them.  Your wife would love it, I speak for all the wives that care about their husbands and want to see them flourish.  

This is a wonderful idea!  And I hope you enjoy it as well, ;it's something constructive.  It's always good to be creative, it's a different part of our brain and feeds our soul in a new way.  And we'd love to see the urn if you want to show us when the time comes. 

 

I started the guitar lessons, it took over some space in my brain that previously was a grief area. Now it is thinking only about music theory which I had avoided in the past because it gets very confusing. I was actually excited today after having a couple of ah ha moments in the lesson. Any break from the sad is good. I am so thankful for the people on this site that are all trying to help one another. I am also so sad for all of you that are going through or have gone through this nightmare . Everywhere I look there is someone in a worse spot or in more pain than I am. A friend recently told me that he was always a little jealous of my marriage because he had never experienced what we had for 27 years. I am actually smiling right now. I may be getting a little better.

[Jeffh]

I was off work for about 2 months. The last month I was home by myself. It was hard going back to work. Everyone wanted to tell me they were sorry for my loss Appreciated but to emotional. I broke down a few times a day for the first few days. Work has helped bringing back some normalcy.  

[KayC]

14 hours ago, Scott56 said:

 

I started the guitar lessons, it took over some space in my brain that previously was a grief area. Now it is thinking only about music theory which I had avoided in the past because it gets very confusing. I was actually excited today after having a couple of ah ha moments in the lesson. Any break from the sad is good. I am so thankful for the people on this site that are all trying to help one another. I am also so sad for all of you that are going through or have gone through this nightmare . Everywhere I look there is someone in a worse spot or in more pain than I am. A friend recently told me that he was always a little jealous of my marriage because he had never experienced what we had for 27 years. I am actually smiling right now. I may be getting a little better.

This is so good to hear!  Keep enjoying your music.  Nothing replaces what we lost, but if we're able to find anything good, anything positive, any creativity or reason to smile, that is good.  I, too, am so thankful for each of you!

 

14 hours ago, Jeffh said:

I broke down a few times a day for the first few days.

I did too.  I was so thankful my office was right next to the bathroom so I could run there until I could compose myself.  Also thankful for the cubicle that prevented the next person at his desk from watching me fall apart.  Some things we want privacy for.

[RN-Nix]

20 hours ago, Jeffh said:

I was off work for about 2 months. The last month I was home by myself. It was hard going back to work. Everyone wanted to tell me they were sorry for my loss Appreciated but to emotional. I broke down a few times a day for the first few days. Work has helped bringing back some normalcy.  

Although people mean well it is always very emotional when going back to work. I cried all day thank God for the fave masks it was easier to hide my grief.

[KayC]

I was off work two weeks, had to go in day 5 to do payroll.  I was lucky though, at the time I had my favorite job/boss/coworkers.  My boss had someone meet with the employees who explained what to expect, what is normal in grief (he'd lost his toddler).  It prepared them and they were all wonderful to me.

[Jeffh]

I did not realize that three other employees had lost there spouse as well. They were very supportive.

[KMkm]

I've had some real bad days over the past.  Today has been one of them and its only 10am.  My kids wanted to play hide and seek, also tickle monster.  I want to play with them but like others say the firsts are really tough.  I go hide and cry til they find me, I seek them out and cry as I walk around.  I tickle them and imagine my wife's laughter as I tickle her as well.  This feeling consumes me and destroys my ability to function.  I imagine that one day I will either start feeling better or find myself on a path of destruction.  My kids have fun and are able to function as normal for now.  I feel like I haven't slept in months as well as my energy level being low at all times.  I'll say the only reason...and I mean the only reason I am here is because my kids need at lest one parent. One day I know that won't be enough to keep me here.  This life has lost it's meaning and I pray to have something happen that is out of my control and takes me.  I try to post positive messages but I don't have a positive thought right now.  I hope others don't feel like this message doesn't hold positivity, but it does cause if I csn feel this way and push through than anything is possible.  I have been told that I am extremely hard on myself and I have said that I wasn't a good husband or father.  I pray for strength and better days.  Stay strong my friends.

[KayC]

It's okay to post all your feelings/moments, not just the positive ones.  Everything you feel is valid and nothing wrong with it, feelings just are, sometimes they can be challenging.  I know I can't "fix it" but know I care.

[RN-Nix]

@KMkmI am praying for your strength.  This is soooooo dang DIFFICULT!!!! Don't worry about being positive with all that we are going through I personally don't care about anyone's view of me..I've been so "strong" my entire life but grief brings you to your weakest point..and we and others have to be ok with that.. we are here to support each other as BEST we can.. I "show up for my kids and my job" everything else will have to conform to how I'm feeling in that moment. Do what you can but don't beat yourself up and feel like you have to give more to others (including us) than you can give. It's bad enough we have to put that mask on for our kids. Hugggggs to you and your babies.

[KMkm]

Thanks.  I'm glad I found this site.  No one knows how this feels.  I hate this and how it affects the kids but they will be stronger for it.  Thank you again for the comments and I hope to have better days.  Stay strong friends.  I'll keep trying to.

[KMkm]

On 2/13/2022 at 10:04 PM, Tami M said:

 

If anyone's kids happen would like to find another child to converse with I am looking for someone that my daughter could kind of chat as we are.   

I have a 9 year old son and a 7 year old daughter.  They might want to chat but they don't open up to me that much.  They go see a counselor at school every week.  I know it has been very hard on them and my daughter has outbursts which result in her crying a lot and telling me she misses mom.  I hate that I'm not able to get them to express their emotions.  I hope this doesn't affect their future selves.

[KayC]

21 hours ago, KMkm said:

but they will be stronger for it.

I just read something on my diabetic site today that said something like "the hard things you're going through now will be your strength tomorrow..."

5 hours ago, KMkm said:

They go see a counselor at school every week.

I'm so glad.  When my kids' dad and I were divorcing (they were teenagers) they saw the school counselor, she was wonderful!  She even reached out to ME and shared some of what SHE had been through and took me to dinner!  Now she's a neighbor, so sweet, she has dementia, but still as sweet as ever.  

[Todd E]

In a attempt to deal with my wife passing, (two weeks ago), I have been downloading books and trying to find anything that will help with this pain.   Like a recent gentleman posted, I have to clear the tears and sobbing to keep writing.   Like so much that I have read and even seen here, it is clear that even being in a Forum like this is very helpful.   While it did make the wellspring that is my eyes overflow, at least I know I am in a place where people understand my pain.    Hats off to all the grieving Husbands, god knows the pain and emptiness you might be feeling is.........is there a good word.

Thank you for sharing

T

[RN-Nix]

@Todd E hi there, it's so interesting that we are forced into now "finding" things to keep our minds occupied to ward off the sting of grief. If you come across the book "The Soul's Code " by James Hillman, please add it to your collection. Everyday I'm hoping to wake up out of this bad dream but then night falls and pain, emptiness and loneliness continues.  Huggggs 

[KayC]

17 hours ago, Todd E said:

In a attempt to deal with my wife passing, (two weeks ago), I have been downloading books and trying to find anything that will help with this pain.   Like a recent gentleman posted, I have to clear the tears and sobbing to keep writing.   Like so much that I have read and even seen here, it is clear that even being in a Forum like this is very helpful.   While it did make the wellspring that is my eyes overflow, at least I know I am in a place where people understand my pain.    Hats off to all the grieving Husbands, god knows the pain and emptiness you might be feeling is.........is there a good word.

Thank you for sharing

T

Hi, welcome here!  I'm glad you found your way here, yes it helps so much to have a place where others get it and understand.  I lost my husband nearly 17 years ago Father's Day June 19th, I've been on forums ever since, it's one of my two passions, to help others with grief (the other is to help others with Diabetes).  We never forget one iota of what we experienced as new grievers (the first few years).  I am so sorry that you too have suffered such a great loss as this.

I hope you'll continue coming here to read and post!

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[RN-Nix]

@Todd EI hope you are hanging in there today. I'm so sorry for your loss and the fact that you have now joined us here. By now you know that you are not alone. If you come across any books that you feel will help us please share. If you read anything that you think may comfort or benefit us in any way, please share. Sending you a big hug!!! We definitely understand.

 

[Todd E]

@RN-Nix I did find the short book labeled "A Guide for the Bereaved Survivor" by Bob Baugher, PH.D  very inciteful.  It pretty much summed up the different reactions, emotions and situations of a grieving widower.  Little did I know that some of the steps I was taking were outlined already.

   Thank you for the encouragement and support everybody!!

"One Moment at a time"

[KMkm]

I wish scoiety had a better understanding of the different paths people have to take in order to heal and move on.  I lost my wife in December and had to navigate so much paperwork to know what programs i could apply for and also what I needed to do for legal purposes.  I guess searching the internet for what to do is the only way.  Another hurdle I had to face was finding new employment.  I have been working for a railway for 10 years and as a technician I had a big territory and a lot of hours.  Management doesn't care about me so I have to make a decision about finding someone to watch my kids almost 24/7 since I can be called at any time or look for a new job.  Sorry for the rant but I have been fighting the urge to give up.  I just wish there were more support structures in place.  I imagine I'm not the only one that has faced this and I don't mean to whine.  I talked to my friends wife yesterday (my friend passed two years ago) and asked about how she feels now.  I wanted to know if the pressure in my head would go away or the inability to think straight.  She said it didn't for her which I already thought was the case but hoped for a different answer.  On a side note we got another snow storm and dropped another 40cm so that's a kick in the face.

[DWS]

@KMkmI am so sorry for your loss and the enormous challenges you are now facing. You are right in your observations of our society's huge flaws in dealing with death and the grievers that are left behind. My current grief has made me fully aware of that and it seems that it's only those who face the brunt of devastating loss that become aware as well. With all of those throughout history who had to make the way through their distressed despair, you'd think that important cultural change would have evolved from that to take better care of the bereaved. Instead, we still have a society that places production and money-making above all else.

[KayC]

4 hours ago, KMkm said:

I guess searching the internet for what to do is the only way.

Or state what you're searching for here, maybe someone else has dealt with it.  I know laws in different places differ but someone might be from your area.

4 hours ago, KMkm said:

Another hurdle I had to face was finding new employment.

OMG, I went through this after George died!  It was so hard!  My boss was very caring and I loved my coworkers but it was the recession and Bush's decision to stop buying military airplane parts (overnight, no warning) put us all out of work!  It took me six months to land another job, having 100 mile commute/day, working for a doofus, ugh.  I'm so glad to be retired now!  I was scared I'd lose my home, but thankfully got one just in the nick of time, my age didn't help!

4 hours ago, KMkm said:

I wanted to know if the pressure in my head would go away or the inability to think straight.

They call it grief fog, widow's brain, etc.  It happens to most of us in early grief.  For the most part it did clear up but I never was 100% the same employee again.  I worked until I lost my last job at 61, then did volunteer books for the church for 6 1/2 years before totally getting out of it.  By then I was 68.  Glad to hang up that towel too!

 

4 hours ago, KMkm said:

On a side note we got another snow storm and dropped another 40cm so that's a kick in the face.

I am so sorry, I'm going through the same, never had snow this late here in the 45 years I've lived here!  The shovelling is wearing me out.  They keep underpredicting.  Yesterday I woke up to 7 more inches, heavy wet sludge, got it all done (a LOT, it's not a city lot, it's in the country, about 100' to firewood, at least 80' driveway uphill, half the street in front of my place, and the snowplow came along and dumped everything on the road in front of my place, burying all my hard efforts!  There were mounds of snow too big to lift, I had to put the shovel under them and drag them away, took me another 1 1/2 hours).  It means no Easter, likely.    I already missed Christmas, shoveling snow.  27 1/2" so far.  The garage roof dumped a ton of snow in front of my 4WD truck so no taking it anywhere.  I got smart and parked the car at the top of my driveway, it means unearthing it every day but at least I only have to dig a path up the driveway instead of the whole thing!  I'm feeling my 70 years and hand injuries.

3 hours ago, DWS said:

You are right in your observations of our society's huge flaws in dealing with death and the grievers that are left behind.

Absolutely!  We, as a society, have a long ways to go!

[KMkm]

I live in northwestern ontario.  I  always loved the outdoors and I have about 130 acres with trails so the spring, summer and fall make it exceptionally great to walk around.  As for jobs here they are slim pickings for a single parent with two young kids but I will look around and keep trying.