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Lost my wife.


KMkm

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@KMkm Your right!.. Why can't we just take the time to deal with our loss without these other complications?  Just the grief has most of us to the breaking point  Having to worry about who will take care of the children while your at work is just an unacceptable additional stress you  shouldn't have to deal with right away.  I know others unfortunately have to worry about a financial crisis after there loss. For me, I was having issues with temporary physical limitations, affecting my mobility. Here I am trying to grieve, and at the same time worrying how I was going to be able to physically shop to purchase food for me and my 2 little puppies, as well as cleaning supplies, and personal items. This with no offer of help or support from family.

I had to muddle through somehow, but it would have been nice just to worry over my loss without all that extra stress.  All this just reinforces the truth that we are truly now all alone.. 

 

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I'm sorry about your struggles.  I wish there was just a number to call or a website thst had everything in one place.  Even things like you mentioned you needed help with.  Just to know there were support services like help with children, tasks, or someone to talk to and maybe stop by to talk face to face.  I find talking face to face to people helps me.

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20 hours ago, KMkm said:

I live in northwestern ontario.  I  always loved the outdoors and I have about 130 acres with trails so the spring, summer and fall make it exceptionally great to walk around.  As for jobs here they are slim pickings for a single parent with two young kids but I will look around and keep trying.

It  sounds beautiful!  Wow, that is a lot of acreage and to have it with trails, etc. sounds heavenly!  I only have 1.29 acres but since the lot next to mine is not developed (it does have a trail and driveway, but no one ever comes up and I've been keeping it clear of limbs these 45 years now) it seems a wider berth than it is, also on the other side is large fotina so it acts as a privacy barrier from the next home over.  I have tall timber and a year around creek, I love the nature and the wildlife that come here (excepting the raccoons, cougar, and skunks) but love the elk, deer, and fox, etc.

Could you so something where you can work from home maybe?  

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I am trying to.  My wife has a garden that I want to work in this year.  I also have a big gravel pit and a few fields.  There are a lot of cedar, black and white ash, pine trees so that might be an option to cut and build things.  My brain fog is hard to deal with and the constant headaches aren't ideal.  I am going to try and think of ways to secure an income so I can be available for my kids.  That's all I care about now and probably ever will.  I just want them to be happy even if I'm not.  I don't mean to sound break and I don't want to feel sad but I can't see how things will be different at this time.  I'm still hopeful and optimistic of the future and I feel like I'm going to live a long life which I don't want but I'm not going to let grief stop me from helping others.  I'll continue to post and I'm glad others read and respond.  Thank you to all my new friends and future friends.  On a side note...I have almost finished the urns and I will find a way to show everyone and share the pics. 

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1 hour ago, KMkm said:

I am trying to.  My wife has a garden that I want to work in this year.  I also have a big gravel pit and a few fields.  There are a lot of cedar, black and white ash, pine trees so that might be an option to cut and build things.  My brain fog is hard to deal with and the constant headaches aren't ideal.  I am going to try and think of ways to secure an income so I can be available for my kids.

Although you might not be aware of it, there is some major determination there within your words. It sounds like you've been putting a lot of loving thought into survival for you and your kids through this...despite the continual brain fog. And there's reason and validity for bleakness and utter sadness too so there's no need for apologies here, at least. These losses that all of us are going through blasted a huge, unexpected, and unwarranted hole in our lives! We didn't want them or ask for them. I don't want this to sound nasty but I sure as hell wish I was enjoying coffee with my partner right now instead of posting on this website....but here I am. Working through my grief while hopefully being able to help others through theirs gives this hell I'm going through a little bit of meaning. 

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With your attitude and outlook I am POSITIVE you will find some measure of joy along the way, of course it's overshadowed by early grief that is all consuming, how can it not be!  But you will hone your coping/adjusting skills with time and learn to do this, one day at a time, LOOKING for good in each day, no matter how small, nothing too trivial to count, and in so doing, you will develop the art of living in the present and the spirit of gratefulness...the fact that you want to help others is a huge factor in why I think this, because it is in so doing that we especially help ourselves in the process!  Much love to you!

 

1 hour ago, DWS said:

I sure as hell wish I was enjoying coffee with my partner right now instead of posting on this website....but here I am. Working through my grief while hopefully being able to help others through theirs gives this hell I'm going through a little bit of meaning. 

And do we get that!

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The determination I have is overshadowed by the intense pressure in my head and the headaches.   I promised to keep trying hard to take care of my kids and there will be a lot of ups and downs.  I find it extremely difficult to get through each day and keep positive. My kids seem to be alright with for the most part but I don't know what will happen when they get older.  I hide the fact that I cry a lot and I'm not ok.  I want to give a speech at my wife's memorial service in May so I'm trying to find ways to be able to talk and not break down completely.  

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@KMkmI've cried so many tears in my children's absence and it's ok if you do the same.  The sadness is with me all the time and I don't want them to see me sad and crying ALL the time . I feel that will have an affect on the kids in a negative way. It's ok for them to see that we have moments where we are not ok but then they are looking for us to "come out if it". I try to bring up things about my love and we joke about it. That makes me feel good that we can joke around about him . I believe that you should honor your wife at her memorial by giving a speech. Don't worry about the tears ...when the time comes just go with the flow.  You don't have to stiffle your tears for anyone. You don't have to "find ways to speak" just speak from your heart. It's been a tough time for you so that day will not all of a sudden be easy. Just worry about making it through today and don't worry about tomorrow. 

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I sang "It is Well (with my soul)" at my husband's funeral, it was hard, I don't think I made it through w/o some tears, that's okay too, it was my testament that God is with me and I'm going to make it through this, reality definitely hadn't hit yet. ;)

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I believe that I suffer from an internalizing disorder.  A friend sent me an article to read, it sums up my life.  I'm not really dealing with my wife's death very well and all I can think of is just ending it and letting the kids have a decent life living with my family and not seeing me struggle.  I hate being social and I barely talk about my problems.  My wife's memorial service is coming up on May 20th and the closer it gets the harder it is for me.  I know she is gone and I've said my goodbyes but this is going to be a sort of final goodbye.  I feel so weak and pathetic that I can't seem to find something to live for other than the kids.  They need a dad that can function normally again but I don't see how I can.  Maybe I need more time.  My brain doesn't work anymore it just hurts and I have constant headaches.  I know that others have gone through worse things than I have, so why do I feel like I'm just whining and I should just suck it up.   Anyway another day done and another one to get through.  I pray for all of you out there dealing with this pain.  Stay strong my fiends.

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7 hours ago, KMkm said:

all I can think of is just ending it and letting the kids have a decent life living with my family and not seeing me struggle.

No one replaces you.  Read one of these every day...mull it over, dwell upon it. https://gabbyabigaill.com/50-biblical-affirmations-that-will-change-your-life/  (I saved them to a Word document but this said it doesn't support that.)
Suicide: Read This First
Thoughts Of Suicide in Grief
Befrienders Worldwide | Emotional support to prevent suicide worldwide
International Association for Suicide Prevention (IASP) - Resources: Crisis Centers
Suicide: The Turning Point: An Inspirational Quote 8.2.18 - AfterTalkAfterTalk

Suicidal ideations are common in early grief and even beyond.  I felt that until I realized it wasn't so much as I wanted to die as I didn't want to go through what I had to to live!

Above all, continue to express your feelings and not keep it bottled up or hidden, it's important to acknowledge how we're feeling.  And remember no feelings are inherently good or bad in themselves, they just are, we contend with them...

50 Scriptural Positive Affirmations.docx

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8 hours ago, KMkm said:

 I know that others have gone through worse things than I have, so why do I feel like I'm just whining and I should just suck it up. 

You have very personal, unique and valid reasons for your grief. Comparing yours to others is not fair or kind to yourself. Your continual grief and sadness are there because of the love you have for your wife and her absence now in your daily life. Instead of badgering yourself that you should suck it up, turn it around and tell yourself that every bit of sorrow and darkness that you're feeling is how it should be because it's honouring your wife and the love you shared with her. After only six months, why wouldn't you be? And I realize that people around you aren't all that helpful. So many of us just don't have the proper support during times like these but I hope you can find just one person you can trust to start unloading your pain. 

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@KMkmgood morning. Your Grief is understandable and warranted however...your kids will NOT have a decent life without you.  They would be DAMAGED for the rest of their lives.. I'm certain your wife can rest in peace knowing that you are still here with the kids. How disheartening would it be for them to loose both parents. This process is NOT easy but you have to think about your babies.  No one will understand their grief and double the pain they will now have to deal with. None of us want to be left behind but as a mom I know those kids find comfort knowing you are still here Even if they can't take your pain away they can still see and touch you.  Hang in there PLEASE!!!!

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Thanks.  I really appreciate the kind words.  I feel like my brain is just trying to justify a reason to give up. My heart knows that I have to be here and I'm not someone who gives up.  My kids are my world but grief really takes away the ability to enjoy anything at all.  I am glad I have found a place to express myself and have insightful words from others who have gone through this.  I will keep fighting for them.   My wife trusted me.  I won't let her down, even now when I hate every moment.  Thank you.  

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@KMkmkeep fighting love!!!! I'm so happy to hear that. I'm sitting at my sons track meet and hundreds of kids are here from ALL walks of life black,  white, latino, Asian everyone ....I can't imagine the kid that rode the bus hoping and wishing their deceased parents or parent was here .A kid who has to show face because their parent is on their death bed or their home situation is unhappy. As much as my heart is in 1000 pieces my heart aches for the motherless and fatherless children.  FIGHT FOR YOUR BABIES. YOUR loving wife would want you to! I want you to. I don't care if you have to go in your bed and cry in your pillow SHOW UP for your kids.  You can thank me later. I may be sad as hell but I'm going to push through for them . You can do it even though it's hard!!! Sending you tge biggest hug!!!! You can do this 1 hour at a time 

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I really appreciate the support I am receiving on here.  I sometimes need these kind words to help me stay focused on being strong.  I am having a hard time and it helps to know that there isn't an easy way out.  I will keep fighting and try to remember that my kids will be ok.  I think that it's ok to leave cause I can't deal with the pain but in fact it's not ok and everyone is right that my late wife will be very upset if I gave up.  Thank you to everyone and I am forever grateful for all the support.

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KMkm,

How you've been feeling is totally understandable.  I still have feelings of not wanting to live anymore though thankfully my depression and dread has lessened lately but it was really bad during the four to six month period.  I was feeling like how is this gonna get any better cause I'm trying my best but it's not helping.  I just keep pushing myself even if some days are a complete flop, I strive to try and make tomorrow better.  I'm still alive and I have to live without him now cause I'm not going anywhere til God says it's my time.  I'm not gonna live the rest of my life not having one.  I've begged God to just take me but so far he refuses to give me the easy way out.  

I'm not a people person and most of my time was with him so going out and enjoying myself with worthwhile supportive people is hard and a rarity but I make myself do it usually once or twice a month and I do enjoy myself and don't feel guilty anymore though him not being there I still feel a deep void within and I don't know if it will ever go away.  I'm learning to live with it constantly but not letting it control my life.  Work is always something to keep my mind busy though not my dream job I do enjoy being around my co workers and I can talk about him without tearing up everytime.  Spring is here but taking it's time.  I've completely changed my landscaping and plan on starting a garden asap.  I was having trouble falling asleep during my deep depression so I started to listen to music and that has helped my mind relax.  I listen to music a lot lately.  While I'm doing work inside or outside or just sitting outside during warm days just by myself usually watching my kittens running around having fun.  I also work out with music outside.  These things have helped me get out of my darkest days and i know even though today is better, tomorrow I could go backwards again.  I have to accept this is my life right now with no uncertain end. 

I'm so heartbroken you are going through so much difficulty. We all have different lives but the same loss.  No one can tell you exactly how to feel better.  It is up to you to get through each day and find some kind of joy again.  Not only for your kids but for yourself.  You don't deserve to be miserable forever.  Your kids don't deserve to see you like this forever.  I'm not saying you need to wake up tomorrow or the next day and so on and be all better.  That's impossible.  Don't be so hard on yourself and don't push yourself too much.  You are going to continue to have horrible days but you can get through them.  Take your time and really think about what can help you progress through your grief.  Then work slowly on doing these things.  Never give up.  I have much faith in you as well as for myself and everyone here.  Keep posting regardless if it's positive or negative.  We all support and understand.  

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My reply yesterday is gone, not sure what happened but they were down for a while, still most of it was posted afterwards, must have had further issues later on.

I'm so sorry for all you're going through. 

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I know now when others have explained the highs of wanting to be around and then lows where you would rather just slip away.  Today started out as usual with the grief cripping my brain soon after I woke up.  My sleep pattern is all over th place and for the past few I have been getting about 4 to 5 hrs.  Exhaustion is the normal feeling every waking second but for the past few days I felt a sort of calm come over me where I could deal with the feeling of being a zombie.  The problem now is when issues arise such as when one of my kids decides to argue with me or not do what they are told I fall apart.  A deep feeling of dread and despair overwhelms me and I go back to thinking about giving up.  I don't know why I feel so weak in those moments and if the next time it happens it will be the final tipping point.  I am scared that years of this will destroy my ability to fight back.  Hope I can keep going and I hope everyone is stronger than I am.  Just thought I would write this and see if it makes me feel a little better.  I pray for strength and better days ahead.

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13 hours ago, KMkm said:

I pray for strength and better days ahead.

I pray that for you too.  It helps to think of it like kids doing what they do best (in the teen years?), trying to break you down so they can have their way...ultimately they love/care about you but they are being their age.  Let go of their argument and stick by what you say.  Your kids will thank you for it someday, and guess what?!  They'll pattern their parenting after yours!

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This just plain old sucks so bad I know!!!  The worst thing we ever had to go through.  Keep staying strong.  Much love and hugs!

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Wow, I never heard of someone having to transfer ashes themselves, you're in my prayers, it's hard enough facing the memorial service.  I pray it'll be healing/comforting, George's was.  Sending you comforting thoughts and prayers your way.

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@KMkm i feel your pain. I'm just laying here after a 1hour drive home and saying how could this be? Why did he have to go? When will this pain end? Will I ever have a genuine smile again? It's so tough. Everyday it's 1 more hour which turns into 1 more day but the pain doesn't lessen, time is not nor will it ever heal this wound. We are just coping the best we can. All of our hearts are heavy but there are reasons why we have to keep going and not give up...and when we don't give up we make it to another day. I don't find joy in anything and that is sad. My joy was looking forward to seeing him and talking to him on the phone. You will get through the memorial service.  It won't be easy but you will .

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Jeffh,

That's all we can do is get up and fight through another day especially for our kids!  Keep being strong 

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I always feel like I'm letting them down.  I sometimes believe someone else would do a better job.  Someone who is happy and able to get through each day with a smile.  I know they need a parent but not a broken one.  I'll keep trying to get through each day without completely falling apart.  

 

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You are their one and only parent now.  I'm sure they don't want anyone else.  They love, want, and need you.  I'm also sure they understand how hard this is for you and know you are doing your best.  Try not to be so hard on yourself.  

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@KMkm I look at my kids each day and say "they need me" deep down i am sooooooo sad but i wake up, cry and then cover up my sad face before seeing them. It's sooooo dang HARD it's so fricking PAINFUL but I go in my bathroom and cry because they don't need to see me sad everyday although my underlying mood is sadness.  I try to show interest in their lives and keep myself busy around the house . If I'm getting too overwhelmed I get in my car and go to walk around the pond and when I'm "ok" I go home....in other words I'm learning how to manage my emotions. If I'm around people I show a neutral face even though my mind is focused on how sad I am on the inside. I also find that I am ok with rushing to be by myself so I can't wait to get home ...but then when I get home I'm sad because I'm lonely and I miss him but at least I can escape to my room and cry or just go to bed early. It's ok to feel broken but they will take you how you are as long as you're here .

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@KMkm I think what you are feeling is normal. No one here is going to tell you its "ok" to give up...thats definitely the easy way out and obviously youre still here fighting on like the rest of us so it's not your time. I think we all have wanted to throw in the towel but have not for various reasons. Don't take the kids being rebellious personal . They are being their normal growing up self and they are also in pain and all they may know how to do is lash out. I hate we have to go through this but so many people are loosing their loved ones and experiencing what we are experiencing and in a way that keeps me going because I know I'm not alone. My nights are sleepless too. I will fall asleep but won't stay asleep. Going to work occupies my time but I pass his exit to and from everyday and his burial site is also there so that doesn't help. All I can do is sigh or cry and then his car appears. I take that as a sign because it happens EVERY day. I know it's tough but continue to hang on and continue to vent to us...your cries are not falling on deaf ears. Trust me.

 

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It's very hard for them to show signs as I understand it.  I didn't even dream of George for a year, and I didn't understand that as we were ALWAYS together and each other's WORLD!  But I've learned not to measure anything by our signs or lack of them.  But yes, I've had some.  When George died it was amidst a tremendous thunder/lightening storm AND a triple rainbow!  I laughed inside as I figured heaven got quite a jolt when he entered, he would get a kick out of that!  :)  But one year to the day a pansy sprung up on the corner underneath our elevated patio...how it survived several feet of snow and cold throughout the winter, dropping from a mere seed 8' below the deck, IDK, but I took it as a miracle.  They are delicate flowers, not survivors.  I've never had this happen before or since with ANY flowers!  Pansies was our flower, George called it the smiling flower.

Years later I bought an old Volvo and it immediately needed all kinds of work to it, costing me a fortune...when walking from the auto repair back to my office, I noticed a pansy growing out of the cement sidewalk.  Another miracle, a reassurance to me that I'd make it.  

I went through the recession, losing my job over and over again.  The last time I knew not to even file unemployment or look for work, I'd spent a year looking for a job, apply to 350 any of which I could have done, only to have NO ONE hire me!  It was the first time I'd experienced age discrimination.  I lived off my savings for four years until I was broke.  I called the social security office  and the lady told me my benefit would be $250/month.  WHAT??!!!  I couldn't live on that!  I asked her to double check, and she refused, telling me to call my local office (1 1/2 hours away).  I'd held for this lady over an hour, by now it was 4:00, the local office had just closed.  I was distraught, my anxiety through the roof!  It was a three day weekend, wouldn't you know, I'd have to wait until Tuesday to get ahold of someone.   I was laying on my bed when I suddenly felt George's hand on my shoulder/back area.  I'd know his touch anywhere.  Instantly I felt a calm peace wash over me and I knew everything was going to be okay.  Tuesday I made the call and got a nice man who filed for me, and no my benefits were NOT $250/month!  I figure the lady didn't bother looking it up, just wanted rid of me so she could start her weekend.  He not only set it up but filed Medicare for me, having it come out directly out of my benefit.  I didn't even have to drive in to their office.

I don't claim to have any explanation for how they can do this, nor can I conjure it up at will.  I can't explain it, I only know my experience.  If there was a way to calm me, leave it to George to do so.  I haven't had anything unusual happen in the years since, but that's okay, I go on faith and know we'll be together again.  I believe we were fated to meet when we did, and likewise will find each other when the time comes...he'll be there waiting for me.

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I would like to ask for help but I don't want someone taking care of my kids cause then I will miss out on time with them.  They are 9 and 7 so I can't leave them alone and I live out of town so not really any neighbour's other than my in laws down the road but they work every day.  I have to convince myself that I can and should ask for help but I just don't.  I feel like I'm trying to sabotage my own life.  I'll keep going, no matter what it takes but I wish my brain would function properly.  Thanks for the responses and I will keep fighting.

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@KMkm I think I remember my kids at that age and they were into their "own stuff" and barely paid me any mind. They had their favorite TV shows and games that they played. This gave me time to do the things i needed to .One thing we always did was come together for dinner. I'm not sure of your kids like to physically "be up under you" but if they don't you can just go off in a spare room for a minute and take a breather and cry if you want to. You can sit on the sofa and "pretend " to read a paper just so they could see you physically present with them . I think I've learned the art of covering up my emotions . Then if you want to sit with them on the sofa and just talk about how they are feeling at that time you can tell them you're sad and it's ok for them to be sad but you're trying your best to keep everything together.  They are babies they are developing their own independence.  There are many ways you can be "present" for them although sadness is pulling at your heart strings. Try to have a routine with them...you're still dad and they need YOU !!! Its tough when you don't have a lot of support around . Plus we don't want to burden anyone. Hang in there ...you've made it this far and it hasn't been easy ....for you or any of us. I wish grief had a face I would slap it..smh

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Dealing with one loss is really hard but two must be extremely difficult.  I have come to terms that I will live on without her.  She was like many other women in that she did everything to take care of the kids and house. I helped a lot but I was hardly home due to my job.  My brain will hopefully allow me to feel something again but for now and rhe near future it is damaged from grief.  Three days til her memorial service and with that I can lay her to rest in the urn I made.  Her physical form is no longer here but I am going to try and open up my mind to see if I can feel her spirit.  I want to feel her energy again like I did when she was alive.  Stay strong everyone and we will all get through this together.

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10 hours ago, Scott56 said:

The 13th would have been my 27th wedding anniversary, we joked at Christmas about making 30 years. I went fishing for 6 hours that day with a good friend and had a great time. If I make plans and stay busy my good times are more frequent and my sad times are shorter. I am certain the sad will never completely leave me , I just look forward to when it doesn’t overwhelm me.

This pretty much sums up how to do it...eke out the time we grieve, build hope/something to look forward to, into our lives, realize grief changes us/our lives, it's here to stay, but it's essential to learn how to do this time...you're doing it. :wub:

 

10 hours ago, Scott56 said:

now I’m in awe of me.

This is so good!  So important to feel proud of ourselves, we've earned it!

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@KMkmtoday is another day. You/We made it. when you mentioned your brain being damaged it makes sense . Not only is our brain damaged but so is our heart. We can't think straight from the damage to our brain and its hard for us to feel all of the other emotions that our heart under normal circumstances would allow us to feel. With that being said I truly believe that once your mind has settled you will ABSOLUTELY feel her spirit. I remember after hearing my love had passed my mind was all over the place omg!!!!! His sister said "he is going to come to you". I believed her. I didn't know if I should be afraid or wait in anticipation BUT I KNEW he would.  My mind wasn't settled for hours. I couldn't sleep. What felt like a 5 hour sleep was only 5 minutes. One night I may have dozed off for longer than 5 minutes and there he was in my house on my steps holding my waist and telling me "thank you for all you've done for me" he walked with me to my sons bedroom doorway still hugging my waist and we looked into my sons room. I jumped up and wrote it down. He was there, I text everyone at that moment to let them know and he has shown up every weekend just as he did when he was alive. I know it sounds crazy but once your mind is calm and settled her spirit will visit you.  That will give you the reassurance you need to keep going. It's so difficult now but your strength is coming ...it may be slow but you will begin to see some light . Remember that this is a mararhon or even a steeplechase. Sending you another big Hug.

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22 hours ago, RN-Nix said:

when you mentioned your brain being damaged it makes sense . Not only is our brain damaged but so is our heart.

https://www.discovermagazine.com/mind/the-traumatic-loss-of-a-loved-one-is-like-experiencing-a-brain-injury
 

22 hours ago, Scott56 said:

Focus on this day

I do it still, 17 years later...it's how I've learned to live.

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Just keeps hanging in there.  It's really so hard isn't it?  My wife's memorial / internment was back during that confusing surreal week following her death. I don't know it that's better or worse. The whole event was unfortunately ruined for me by the family recommended pastor for the service,as he was too old and should not have been there.  He rambled on the entire time talking about his life with little mention of my wife, then he fell several times.On top of this the funeral home did a horrible job with my wife, and I did not recognize her during viewing.  My sons was able to "save" the event with his amazing speech/ Tribute to his mom.  I am /was so proud of him.

 

I hope you memorial turned out better.

 

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I wish everyone could see it.  If you want to you can send me a private message and I'll see if I can send you a link to the live feed that was recorded on Facebook.

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22 hours ago, KMkm said:

I want to hear her say thank you or tell me she hates me.  Something to know how she is doing.

I seriously doubt she hates you!  Oh that they could cross the great divide and come to us once more!  

I understand...I'm glad you're able to le:wub:t it out here, that is important.  Everything you are experiencing is normal and valid...I just wish I could help you...been there, I've learned to live with this, I don't think any part of this is "easy."  You went through everything with her...

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21 hours ago, RN-Nix said:

Before i was mentally tired now I'm mentally and physically tired.

At least your body now matches your brain in that it's tired too....sorry, I know with the price of gas...

17 hours ago, William M said:

My sons was able to "save" the event with his amazing speech/ Tribute to his mom.

My son also got up and spoke at George's memorial..  My son is not the kind who likes being up and center stage, so when he does something like that it speaks volumes about his words carrying meaning...his stepdad meant the world to him...and vice-versa.  I'm glad you have that memory to cherish.

 

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@KayCthank you so much. I didnt realize how seperated my mind has been from my body. I was so disheartened when I realized I put $40 in my tank for no reason . It was a big waste but how many things can I possibly beat myself up for? I'm so over everything including this thing called life. It's just too dang much!!

 

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