Lost my wife.

[KMkm]

As I write this I am crying.  I lost my wife almost two months ago.  She was diagnosed with a rare type of cancer and passed away less than two months later.  I am completely devastated and it's hard to put into words how grief can rob you of any sense of normalcy.  She was in her mid 30s and we were married for only 12 years.  We have two young children that keep me going but it's hard to get through each day.  I have a lot of support from friends and family and they know how hard this is.  I just don't want to do this anymore.  I am living in our house that I fixed up, but everything reminds me of her.  I always struggle with the thought of just giving up and ending it all but the thought of leaving my kids without both parents would haunt me for eternity.  How long does this numb empty feeling last?  How can someone endure losing the person you were supposed to spend your life with?   

[Bill V]

KMkm I’m so sorry for your loss and understand that pain, I too lost my wife 2 months ago and the pain is still fresh a pain I have never experienced before. This forum is a lot of help many here will provide you with a lot of help as they have me. Just talking to people who understand what you’re going through can be comforting. I have great friends and family but I could not get the help I needed because 1 they don’t understand this pain 2 I didn’t want to burden them, they have their lives too 3 and some just give crappy advice. There are several people here who are much farther into the process who will offer much better advice and help as I’m in the same boat as you. Hang in there talk on here as much as you need and read through older posts that has helped me a lot.    

[KayC]

10 hours ago, KMkm said:

How long does this numb empty feeling last?

No one can answer that as it's very individual, but our grief does evolve in time to something more manageable and little by little we learn to carry it.  It is the hardest journey I've ever been thrust into, that is for sure. 

I am very sorry for your loss!  Those words do not begin to do justice to what I feel and trying to convey to you, there are no words adequate for this.  

I am glad you found this site, it's a caring grief family, and it truly helps to read/post here, helps us process our grief, knowing that this is "normal" for grief and that there are others going through the same things that get it and understand.  I hope you'll continue to come here.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[BBB]

I cringe every time I see a new person to the forum post. I wish there were words any of us could say or share that could make you feel better. Losing your spouse is just plainly the hardest thing to go through. Or at least for me, it has been the hardest thing that I've had to go through. I still don't feel a sense of normalcy a year and a half later. 

[KMkm]

Thank you for giving me advice.  I didn't realize how much this would hurt.  I'm glad I found this site and reading comments from people who have been through this helps more than I thought it would.  My life will be forever changed since my job doesn't allow me to take care of my young children.  My wife was an artist and her work hangs around our house and it gives me a feeling  that I am closer to her.  I am currently designing a companion urn to keep me busy a few hours a day.  I realized that I have to grieve and not bury myself in work or I won't be able to face it when I can't hide any longer.  Thank you again for all advice and for just anyone who comments about struggling with grief.

[Jennifer Uren]

@KMkm I am so sorry you lost your wife and somewhat suddenly. My fiancé passed away 11 weeks ago. We both have kids from previous marriages but coparented with our ex spouses and regarded our kids 12,15,17,19 as our own. It hit me hard. Still does. It’s so impossible to process. We, just as your wife, had plans for our future, unfinished projects, vacations to go on (the week he died we were supposed to be on a beach trip with the kids) so so much to look forward to. Since Nov 22nd I’ve been left feeling empty, envious of other happy couples, guilty that I should have done more, angry that he’s gone and not me, yearning and wondering when I’ll see him again, joyless, hopeless and confused! I still can’t believe it. I ask those questions that simply have no answers like “Why me? What now? How do I go on” “Should’ve, would’ve, could’ve “ !!! Ahhh it’s exhausting I know all too well. Everyone on here has great advice. I have found this forum to be the most helpful tool in the sense that I’m given compassion by people who truly know this unfortunate experience. It helps me to share me feelings and read others stories. Please continue to come here because you will undoubtedly help others. 

[Jennifer Uren]

5 hours ago, BBB said:

cringe every time I see a new person to the forum post.

SAME! It’s heartbreaking to think that others are suffering the same unbearable path and it hurts to think that there simply isn’t a way to take away the pain. Only just encourage others to walk through it.

[Sparky1]

@KMkm I am very sorry for the loss of your wife. My wife died 15 months ago also from a very rare cancer. From the moment they told her about it to when she passed away was 5 weeks. It's still a complete shock to me and living without her is very, very difficult. 

Be there for your kids, they are still young and need you more than anything. We all can relate to losing a partner, I hope you can find some comfort in reading posts from our experiences.

[KMkm]

I do find comfort which is helpful yet it hurts to know that so many people feel the same way.  I try to tell people how grief is so exhausting.  The feeling of wanting to leave this place and join my wife.  I was told that if I think about it then I should think about when I enter the other side what would I feel like watching my kids struggle with losing both of us and also my late wife being disappointed in my selfish action.  I know this feeling won't last forever but in this exact moment it is so debilitating that it's hard to feel anything else.  I have numerous panic attacks every day that I fight to control.  If I have anything to offer anyone out there it's this....I am scared, sad, grief stricken, exhausted, and I don't want to do this anymore and above all else I'm still here.  I will fight to be happy cause my wife would want me to be.  She lost her life, she won't live to see her kids grow and get married.  I am sad for my loss but also for hers.  I hope my posts can help people who read this.

[Jen H]

I completely understand how you feel  I lost the love of my life 4 months ago to cancer.  The first couple of months I kept saying out loud I want to die.  The thought of living each day without him feels unimaginable.  It seems impossible to be happy again.  Though I must continue living for my daughter.  I am all she has.  Everyday is a struggle but I just try to get through each day.  Coming here and getting so much support and understanding has helped me greatly.  I hope it helps you as well.  

[Loriii]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my partner just a month ago (it was exactly this day, one month when she went into coma). It is also our "monthsary" today so I don't know how I'm gonna feel. I cry everyday. Your wife was still so young (my beloved partner was only 39). It pains me and always ask this question. Why do they have to leave so early in our lives? Our home was full of memories. It's like she has fingerprints all over. Every corner, every room, I remember her and sometimes, I look at things and just randomly break down and cry. I know you how you're feeling. That's how exactly how I'm feeling. I thought if I naturally die today or tomorrow or the next day, I'll be fine, but then I remember my daughter. I talk to my daughter and it gives me motivation, but then sometimes, I'm going to start thinking again that I'm fine with whatever happens to me. It's always mixed emotions. It is nice to hear that you have support from friends and family and that they understand you. I'm trying to endure living everyday, while also asking that same question. How does one really endure losing that someone you're suppose to spend your life with? You're not alone. We are here experiencing the same grief.

[Jen H]

1 hour ago, Loriii said:

I'm trying to endure living everyday, while also asking that same question. How does one really endure losing that someone you're suppose to spend your life with?

Yes that's the million dollar question!  It's so terrifying and unknown.  That's why I try not to think about it or the future.  

[KMkm]

 I hope that anyone going through this has the support I do.  I couldn't imagine doing this alone.  I feel guilty sometimes seeing and feeling the support while I have nothing to give.  I don't know how others feel about asking for help but for some reason I don't.  I can't bring myself to ask people to stop by or to ask someone if they can just come over to talk.  I have a lot of people tell me that if I need anything then just ask.  I don't know if it's my stubbornness or just the grief but I don't reach out.  Does anyone else feel similar?  How do I go back to work after losing my wife?  I'm scared to think about just looking for a new job.  I'm sorry if my posts are hard to read or follow but my brain is all over the place with grief and fear.  I go from grief to worrying about everything a lot during the day.  I will fight through another day.  Thank you to everyone who posts and shares their story and advice.  I hope everyone will keep fighting and not give up.  

[KayC]

13 hours ago, KMkm said:

I have numerous panic attacks every day that I fight to control.

Did you have anxiety prior to grief?  I've always had GAD but loss greatly escalated it.  Panic attacks and anxiety are common in grief, hence I finally got on meds for it (opting for non-SSRI that doesn't alter my brain and doesn't have side effects, very mild but takes the edge off...haven't had a panic attack since).  Buspar (Buspirone).

Anxiety and Grief After Losing a Loved One
Coping with Anxiety in Grief
Anxiety Attacks in Grief: Tools for Coping

[KayC]

1 hour ago, KMkm said:

How do I go back to work after losing my wife?

Work grief management
Work-Grief Balance – Grief Compass
Workplace - grief in
Workplace-grief
 

[BBB]

I haven't gone back to work since losing my wife

[William M]

I'm very sorry this has happened to you. It's also, just been over 2 months  since I lost my wife.  It's really hard. I'm fine for several hours until triggered, and I break down again.. Last night it was from Star Trek. A episode came on and I remembered seeing a Star Trek movie on our first date. A quick google searched reveled it was NOT Star Trek  2 as I had thought as that came out too early. I think I know which one it was but I can't ask her. I will never be able to ask her, and she is the only person that would know. I'll never be sure now. There are many thing I'll never be able to ask her and will never know. This thought brought me a wave great sorrow, and I cried for an hour. Hell, I'm crying now.  I did have thoughts like you, of joining her. I even put a gun to my head a few times just to see how that felt to me, but haven't; done that since the very early days. Since there is no return from that, I thought it best to give it a year and see IF I still feel the same

[Jennifer Uren]

3 hours ago, KMkm said:

hope that anyone going through this has the support I do.  I couldn't imagine doing this alone.  I feel guilty sometimes seeing and feeling the support while I have nothing to give.  I don't know how others feel about asking for help but for some reason I don't.  I can't bring myself to ask people to stop by or to ask someone if they can just come over to talk.  I have a lot of people tell me that if I need anything then just ask.  I don't know if it's my stubbornness or just the grief but I don't reach out.  Does anyone else feel similar?  How do I go back to work after losing my wife?  I'm scared to think about just looking for a new job.  I'm sorry if my posts are hard to read or follow but my brain is all over the place with grief and fear.  I go from grief to worrying about everything a lot during the day.  I will fight through another day.  Thank you to everyone who posts and shares their story and advice.  I hope everyone will keep fighting and not give up.  

People in general, I think anyway, are just uncomfortable around grieving people and don’t know how to be helpful. You are not alone in not wanting to ask for help and to be honest I have enough to deal with then trying to decipher the help I need and who to ask. However if you do know what you need take people up on their offer.

Going back to work is hard. Take as much time as you need and can afford. I’m a bartender and my fiancé was always at my work. Not only did I see him every time I worked but everyone knew him and it was especially hard. Be prepared to have breakdowns and go ahead and let your coworkers know that there will be times, sometimes many, when you need to wake away and maybe even take a mental health day.

[SSC]

@BBB how has not working been for you mentally and for working through your grief?  Are you old enough to retire?  I am at a crossroads where I don’t know if I want to go back to work or not.  I definitely will not go back into my prior career but something less stressful.  If not a job I’ll look into volunteer ideas.  
 

I find if I have too much empty time on my hands I start to panic and worry too much about the future and being alone so I need to figure something out.

[KMkm]

Thanks for the supportive suggestions.  I had anxiety before but my wife was the reason i could function at all and feel normal.  I believe I can feel normal again some day.  I keep trying to get over the fact that she isn't here.  I used to ask her for advice all the time and to get approval for things I did or was going to do.  I hate life sometimes but she inspired me to enjoy any little thing that we take for granted.  I can't retire and I can't go back to my old job.  I keep busy doing projects cause I can't sit around to long or I start to panic as well.  With the passing of my wife, my life has changed in every aspect and it will never be the same.

[C L]

8 hours ago, William M said:

 I'm fine for several hours until triggered, and I break down again.. Last night it was from Star Trek. A episode came on and I remembered seeing a Star Trek movie on our first date. A quick google searched reveled it was NOT Star Trek  2 as I had thought as that came out too early. I think I know which one it was but I can't ask her. I will never be able to ask her, and she is the only person that would know. I'll never be sure now. There are many thing I'll never be able to ask her and will never know.

I also find myself getting triggered by pictures, clothing, sometimes just when my mind is idle and I start to think about my wife.  She was our family historian in my eyes and always knew when a picture was taken, how old are son was when something happened.  I've lost all of that too.  I have a terrible memory for things like that and relied on her to keep everything straight.  I want that so I can pass our history onto my son.

[C L]

2 hours ago, KMkm said:

Thanks for the supportive suggestions.  I had anxiety before but my wife was the reason i could function at all and feel normal.  I believe I can feel normal again some day.  I keep trying to get over the fact that she isn't here.  I used to ask her for advice all the time and to get approval for things I did or was going to do.  I hate life sometimes but she inspired me to enjoy any little thing that we take for granted.  I can't retire and I can't go back to my old job.  I keep busy doing projects cause I can't sit around to long or I start to panic as well.  With the passing of my wife, my life has changed in every aspect and it will never be the same.

You have a lot on your plate.  Not only losing your wife, but needing to find a different job.  That is a lot of change and uncertainty.  Totally normal to feel panicked and lost.  Medication might be a good idea.  For me, controlling the variables gives me stability.  I would put focus into one thing until you get over that hurdle.  Things you have control over.  Deciding on what career you want to pursue, or even just taking some kind of job knowing it's temporary will give you a distraction from your loss and some piece of mind that you have money coming in.  After you grieve more you can work on a more permanent job if you don't like the one you ended up with.

[Ken57]

4 hours ago, KMkm said:

I used to ask her for advice all the time and to get approval for things I did or was going to do.

I have been just over 2 months on this unfortunate journey. Terribly miss my soulmate's advise and input in to everything - I hear her in my head though. I grieve and cry for the loss as well as for what she lost. She could/would never leave me but the body did not cooperate. I am too left by myself with 2 kids who are busy in their phase of life.

[Ken57]

2 hours ago, C L said:

She was our family historian in my eyes and always knew when a picture was taken, how old are son was when something happened.  I've lost all of that too.

Likewise, her memory and abilities were far superior. I was the front end (or tried to be) while she was the backbone. I have no idea how I will manage the rest of my life. I feel we will be together again but in the meanwhile I am so lost trying to figure out why I am still left here for now and get some meaning to the purpose of my life. Never entered my mind earlier because our plans were always made together looking forward to retirement, travel and a future doing things together which involved helping the kids as well. Now all is lost.

[widower2]

On 1/31/2022 at 10:36 PM, KMkm said:

As I write this I am crying.  I lost my wife almost two months ago.  She was diagnosed with a rare type of cancer and passed away less than two months later.  I am completely devastated and it's hard to put into words how grief can rob you of any sense of normalcy.  She was in her mid 30s and we were married for only 12 years.  We have two young children that keep me going but it's hard to get through each day.  I have a lot of support from friends and family and they know how hard this is.  I just don't want to do this anymore.  I am living in our house that I fixed up, but everything reminds me of her.  I always struggle with the thought of just giving up and ending it all but the thought of leaving my kids without both parents would haunt me for eternity.  How long does this numb empty feeling last?  How can someone endure losing the person you were supposed to spend your life with?   

I'm so sorry. I lost my beloved to a rare cancer as well, and we were also together about 12 years. We were a fair bit older than you though and there were no children involved...I guess that's a mixed bag, as any situation is. 

As far as how long it lasts, there's no pat answer. I think it's a question of degree. The pain will never go away completely, but gradually over time it should recede and become more and more manageable...it won't always be the searing anguish it is now. 

This is a great group of people here as we "get it" and I hope the site will continue to help you in one way or other. God knows it helped me.

 

[KayC]

23 hours ago, BBB said:

I haven't gone back to work since losing my wife

Did you retire then?

[KayC]

22 hours ago, William M said:

Last night it was from Star Trek.

OMG, it amazes me how we can go along and all of a sudden out of the blue something random hits us, like we can't know what/when!  It can be a place or something in a grocery store, or yes, something on t.v.  I remember a year after George died, taking the shuttle back to work after dropping my car off for maintenance, and the van is full of people and all of a sudden it hits me:  George was on this same shuttle doing the same...and I lost it.  I bawled, out of control!  Of course the whole van gets quiet and no one knows what in the world, but I couldn't stop.  Was glad when it reached my job, but it was last on the route.  Bet the driver wanted to swap it around.

15 hours ago, KMkm said:

I had anxiety before but my wife was the reason i could function at all and feel normal. 

Yep!  I can relate.  I slept in George's arms, and he had such a calming presence in my life, I felt protected and loved, I haven't felt that feeling since.

[KayC]

13 hours ago, C L said:

Medication might be a good idea. 

It was for me, but it took me 3 1/2 years to try it.  I'm now unapologetic for my anxiety and sleep meds and plan to stay on them for life.  If George was here I wouldn't need them. Buspar (buspirone) and Trazodone 50 mg.

[KMkm]

I hate being here which hurts to say since I should want to be here with my kids, family, and friends.  I just feel like I don't deserve to remain alive while the person who enjoyed life has to pass on.  I guess life will be filled with unanswered questions and I have to live with regrets and doubts.  My mind still doesn't work.  No emotion, no comprehension of pain only sadness and despair.  Everyone tells me it will get better but in the meantime I must endure the fog and the anguish.  Life is worth living.  If my wife could send me a message she would probably say.  I had no choice to go but you have a choice to carry on, don't waste it.  I hope I can make it to better days ahead.

[BBB]

Everyone feels differently on that matter I'd imagine.

[C L]

1 hour ago, KMkm said:

 I just feel like I don't deserve to remain alive while the person who enjoyed life has to pass on.  I guess life will be filled with unanswered questions and I have to live with regrets and doubts.

I had a panic after my wife passed that all of the Facebook pictures she had posted would be lost.  Thank God she told our computer to "remember" her password because I do not know it.  I went through pictures for days saving them to my hard drive.  So many memories of trips, concerts, adventures, etc.  I came to the realization I would never have done any of these awesome things if it wasn't for her.  She made me a better "person" and put the LIFE in my life.  I'm hoping to find the strength to continue some of these adventures without her in her honor.

[KMkm]

Today started out rough.  My head feels worse than ever and I'm crying a lot.  It is exhausting dealing with this and I am starting to wish I never existed.   I know that it's not self pity but it sure does feel like it sometimes.  I think about my kids living without their mom and then I think how can I handle years of this.  I wish i was gone to.  The choice to leave isn't there.  The despair and sorrow come in waves.  I have to fight, for my kids for my late wife.  I'm not strong enough, I'm living a lie where I tell people I can do this cause I don't think I can.  People say ask for help but I don't, I can't.  Maybe today is just a bad day and tomorrow will be better.  I pray that it will.  

[BBB]

Sorry KMkm, it does come in waves and some days are definitely better than others. I was a zombie for the first couple of months and then finally went to therapy for 9 months. That helped a lot. Although, I still fee lost, still feel like what's the point. The worst time for me is at night.

[KayC]

16 hours ago, KMkm said:

I just feel like I don't deserve to remain alive while the person who enjoyed life has to pass on.

One of the most important things I've learned in my grief journey is to value myself...if I don't, nobody will.  George was my biggest advocate, protector, best friend, partner, when I lost him, it all came onto me to do everything, including loving myself.  I had to learn that.

Survivor's guilt...very common.  Let it pass and try to let go of it, as if waving it off, dismissing the thought as it comes.  Give yourself positive affirmations.  Years ago I was a Prism Weight Loss Director (they've since disbanded) and they gave us a tape of positive affirmations.  I found it very helpful, even to listen to subliminally.

As for the grief fog, brain fog, widow's brain, whatever you call it, it can take much time to lift.  To be quite honest, I don't think my brain was ever 100% again...I noticed it at work, what I used to do effortlessly became more difficult, stressful.  I'd always been perfect and tops at my job.  It is what it is.

Widow Brain
Grief Brain-reality
Grief Healing: Coping with “Brain Fog” in Grief: Suggested Resources

1 hour ago, KMkm said:

I think about my kids living without their mom and then I think how can I handle years of this.

You take one day at a time, don't think about years, just tell yourself, "I can do today."  Then stay in today.  It 's how I have to do it still, anything else invites anxiety.

[KayC]

15 hours ago, C L said:

Thank God she told our computer to "remember" her password because I do not know it. 

You can find your stored passwords in your browser's settings, search for passwords, it'll bring it up and then search for the site, usually listed somewhat alphabetically.  Click on the "eye" to show your password.  You can then keep a password protected file on your PC and list the website, username, email address you use, and password, I also keep verifications or acct #s as well.

I've shared the password to my password file with my son as I trust him and he's executor of my estate, so it'll make it easier for him to handle things.  He's also my computer technician.

 

[KMkm]

Another day that I felt like leaving this place.  I hate the waves of emotion that come.  Dealing with the grief is overwhelming.  I'm not writing this to complain, I'm just trying to get out the negative feelings of despair.  I am trying to connect with my kids and finding it difficult to gather enough energy to do everything my late wife did and also spend time with them.  It's not that I don't have the energy, it's the mental capacity to be interested in life.  The unyielding numbness and fog that my brain endures every second.  I even asked them if they would be ok if I wasn't here.  If they had to live at their Amma's(grandmother in icelandic) would they be ok.  I don't know why I asked it but maybe just to see if maybe they would say yes, like they ever would say something like that.  I'm exhausted from this and it's not even two months.  Is there a time where I can be that selfish.  I know the answer even while I write this but maybe if I keep asking someone will say it's OK.  I know that people say it wil take time to feel normal again but til then.  I struggle and have to fight the negativity my brain contemplates.  Thanks to everyone who has helped with advice and comments on their struggle.

[KayC]

Sometimes we just need to be heard, understood.  We know we don't need permission but want it anyway.  I know you don't FEEL motivation, but your kids ARE that incentive to keep going, even when you don't "feel" like it.  Sometimes we go through the motions until we can reach the point somewhere along the way where we DO feel reason to go on.  Sometimes I can't believe I'm still here, still doing this.  Right now my dog is my incentive.  When my last dog died, my light went out.  It felt much like when I lost my George.  Not because it brought all that up again, but in and for itself that loss was very major to me.  As anyone who lives alone with their dog and they are their steady close companion, knows.  He was my perfect dog.  I've had countless pets since George died, I lost so many cats and two dogs since he died.  I think when little Kodie goes...I'll be ready too.  

The kids might be "okay" living with their grandmother, but is that all you want for them?  Would they feel abandoned by you?  Would they feel you don't care about them?  Would they truly understand?  How would it affect their lives?  These are the question you ask yourself and what must shape your decisions...all of your decisions, for they affect their lives going forward.

I realize how you are feeling.  Oh my gosh, I get it.  I also remember people saying "It takes time..."  I really wanted to know WHAT DO I DO NOW, IN THE MEANWHILE!!!  I got a resounding...nothing.  Awckkk!  Not what I wanted to hear!  I felt desperate!  It was hard.  One day at a time.  It's all I could do, get through today.  All these years later, I am doing it still.  No, nothing is ever the same again.  I don't have the same satisfaction I did when George was alive.  Today doesn't compare to then.  But there's bits of good along the way.  I have learned to embrace and fully cherish them, it's all I have.  Not the answer I wanted.  But all I came up with.  

(((hugs)))

[KMkm]

I have been told that snd I do realize the kids would be devastated.  If was in the kids shoes I would feel like that.  I'm just unsure of how long I can hold out.  I will push myself every day cause the the kids need me.  I really hate that I can't feel anything and I wish I felt the love for my kids and then it would be easier to want to be alive.  I'm glad that I have found this site.  I get the same advice from the people around me but it feels different coming from others that have experienced the loss of a partner.  Thank you to everyone that can share advice and experiences.  I hope everyone can make it through these hard times. 

[KayC]

You can't be aware of feelings right now because your incredible grief obliterates everything else.  Do give it time...

Today just do today.

 

[KMkm]

Today was another difficult day.  Full of thoughts and feelings.  Crouching on the floor crying.  Trying not to fall completely apart.  I still wonder how I'm going to get through each day.  Waking up feeling exhausted and having the grief creep back in.  The anxiety and panic attacks are still common and unrelenting but I push through.  My kids need me.  How can I keep doing this day after day.  Just thought it would help to post what today felt like.  I hope it makes me feel better or helps someone that will read this.  If I can get through days like this hopefully others can to.

[mirofromqueens]

Hi KMkm, firstly, a big hug to you. I just joined within seconds after reading your story. I (30y) lost my fiancee (31y) on the morning of Christmas Eve, so just over a month ago. We had been together since I was 22, so 8 years. She also was diagnosed with a rare type of cancer (Peripheral T Cell Lymphoma), diagnosed in March last year, passing in December. This time last year, we were both excited to start planning our lives and how our 30s would look, even talking about where we would live in our old age. I'm sure you and your wife were the strongest of partners and I could say the same about me and my fiancee. I experienced pure bliss with her, up to the point we would look at each other and be like "How can this be so good?". She was my best friend, the one who never judged me and loved me endlessly. I am so sorry that you didn't even get a chance to properly wrap your head around the situation. Two months... I can't fathom how I would be feeling if that were me. I would most likely be thinking similarly too. I really really hope that you are taking care of yourself. I don't really know what to say beyond this as I read what you wrote over and over - "How can someone endure losing the person you were supposed to spend your life with?" I really don't know the answer to that and I don't know if we both will ever be able to answer it. Time will only tell but I hope that we can endure our losses. I had the chance to absorb the shock and pain from the initial news. The times that followed were all different kinds of pain. Please continue living, that's what she wants from you, trust me. She wants you to take care of yourself. Being happy right now is a shot in the dark and it may be years until we experience genuine happiness again. Let's hope we see that day in our lives. Please send me a message if you feel like we can share our experiences and help each other out, I'm here for you brother.

[KMkm]

Thanks.  I appreciate you reaching out.  I feel like this unbearable grief will never end but after reading so many posts I started to believe that one day it will get better and not so overwhelming.  My brain feels so messed up that it's hard to think.  I take care of my two kids and go through the motions but I don't feel anything.  I have a really hard time when my brain inadvertently thinks about my wife and how much I miss her.  Sometimes i think to far ahead and the uncertainty of the future.  I get scared of what's to come and how am I going  to handle being a widow.   I can't believe I can say that about myself.  Everyone tells me how brave and strong I am for getting through each day and not giving up.  I don't have a choice that's the answer.  I love my kids and that keeps me going.  I hope you are doing better than I am and hopefully better at dealing with emotional stress.  I'm not very good at dealing with grief at all. Stay strong.  If I can get through this hopefully everyone can to.

[KayC]

13 hours ago, mirofromqueens said:

"How can this be so good?". She was my best friend, the one who never judged me and loved me endlessly.

I am so sorry, this should never happen to young people, it is wrong.  

I want to make sure you see this for you as well so you can have it to refer to later...this is an ever evolving journey.  Some things won't speak to you now but will later.  I'm glad you found your way here and have made a connection right away.  I am so sorry for your loss, it's the hardest thing I've ever done.  We didn't meet until our mid 40s and he suddenly died five days after his 51st bdy, he was the best.  I've been alone over 16 1/2 years now...
 

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

 

12 hours ago, KMkm said:

I don't have a choice that's the answer.  I love my kids and that keeps me going.

This, it rings true.  

[KMkm]

Today has been a struggle.  I feel like throwing up and I feel the grief a lot more.  I don't want to do anything but I have to do things for my kids.  I guess it's a blessing that I have them so I keep motivated but it's hard to.  Got 3 hrs of sleep and can't eat.  Hopefully today gets better.  Doesn't help when it's-37c outside.  Just thought I would get this off my chest and see if it helps.

[KayC]

I hope it helps...I'm sorry.  I know this is really tough and I didn't have children to raise when I lost mine.   You might consider getting help for the lack of sleep.

[mirofromqueens]

Thinking of you today KMkm. Yesterday was bad for me as I woke up and I forgot all that had happened. I started to sleep in our bed again last week. But after yesterday, I slept on the couch again. I hope you know that I truly feel your pain and we will have to wake up each day and do it all over again. Thank you KayC for being there for everyone here. I read your reply and I have decided to use it as a point of reference for my own journey. Love to all of you. Hope to hear from you soon again KMkm. *big hug* my brother

[KMkm]

I got through the day.  The emptiness and pain was unrelenting.  I endured.  I told myself that I feel like garbage and that's ok.  It won't last forever.  I had no motivation to move but again the kids need a Dad.  If I can give someone hope than I will feel better.  The grief and despair almost won today but it didn't.  I fought for tomorrow.  Don't let the fight today take away your tomorrow.  Thank you to everyone.  Bring on tomorrow and the next.  I'm ready.

[Tami M]

I am so sorry you are having to go through this.  My motto is fake it till you make it.  I figure if I tell myself it is all ok one day it will be.  I work hard to keep positive.  Those should of could of would of's are not helpful.  I try to trick my mind when I try to go down to that darkness.  I make lists like my teachers k - 12.  Something you really have to concentrate and think about.  

Work was important for me to get back to.  I had been gone for a month with our covid isolation, my hospital stay and healing and the funeral.  I went back the week after the funeral.  I am a book keeper so my work is sitting and using my brain.  So it allowed me to work even though I was still recovering physically with energy ect.  My work is also a small family business and the owner treats us as family.  So he understood I would need time off for the estate stuff, my medical appointments and my daughters ortho appts, games and getting her picked up after school.  

It helped to get back into a routine again.  Work and school for my daughter was part of the old normalcy we desperately needed.  Maybe finding a way to volunteer somewhere could help.  Maybe depending on the age of your kids it is something you could all do as a family.  

Some of us didn't just lose spouses/partners but also became single parents.  It is hard.

As for your support system.. Use them.  They truly want to be of help.  Don't feel back or guilty.  Think about when you could be in the supporter side... You truly would have done anything to help.  As a single parent it takes a village.  I am very thankful that we have alot of parent friends from school to help.  Divorced parents get free nights on their ex spouses night with the kids.  With us widowed folks it is us 24/7.  

I have found recently that I need to work on finding time for me.  I am using the help that is offered.  I make dates with friends to hang out, go to dinner ect.  So far all of those have included my daughter.  But I need to make plans to look forward for me too.  My mom says I need to write my story.  Find a hobby for me.  

I just hope some of my words help.  

If anyone's kids happen would like to find another child to converse with I am looking for someone that my daughter could kind of chat as we are.  Most I have seen that are parent loss groups are older adults.  It would be hard to have a group for kids I assume and keep them safe ect.  If anyone knows of anything like that please feel free to share it.

 

Hugs to you.

[Scott56]

I also lost my wife on New Years day.  Initially every day was a series of panic attacks while i tried to keep everything going and learn how to pay the bills. After about 3 weeks i had gotten things running fairly smoothly and now the panic attacks have been replaced by bouts of extreme sadness and feelings of despair. We were married for 27 years , i recently retired and we were planning our future. i go for a long walk on the beach every day, i exercise, and i clear something from the house every day that annoys me.I haven't touched any of my wifes clothes or personal belongings, it is way too painful to even think of that now. Found last years Valentines card today and it had a very strong effect on my brain. These little zingers happen daily and i have accepted the fact that i can lose control of my emotions at any time for any reason. I ask God to help me deal with this and learn to accept that my life has taken an unexpected turn .  We had gotten through raising the kids and reaching retirement and it was time to relax and enjoy. The entire last chapter that was already written was just ripped from our book and now i need to rewrite it by myself and that scares me. I read grief books and speak to people daily about what i am feeling . the books help me to keep things in perspective and let me know that what i am feeling is normal. i felt i needed more so i looked up this group.

[KayC]

15 hours ago, mirofromqueens said:

Yesterday was bad for me as I woke up and I forgot all that had happened. I started to sleep in our bed again last week. But after yesterday, I slept on the couch again.

It is so hard in those early days when it slams you afresh, again and again..  Our brains have a hard time grasping this.  We go through all of the "whatifs" in an attempt to find a different possible outcome because the one that happened is too unpalatable.  Even sometimes laying undeserved guilt on ourselves.  In time we realize we loved to the max, we did all we knew to do, but life/death seems to have a mind of its own.  I believe with all that is within me that we'll be together again. In whatever form that looks like, whenever I get to go...

II tried to sleep in our bed but his side was an empty reminder of his absence, even sleeping in his spot, still, he was gone.  I continue to sleep in our loveseat/recliner with my puppy.  It was our first piece of furniture and it won't recline on one side and the upholstery is getting threadbare in places, but still I hold onto it.  Why this and not the bed?  Grief need make no sense, whatever brings us comfort vs. pain...

8 hours ago, Tami M said:

If anyone's kids happen would like to find another child to converse with I am looking for someone that my daughter could kind of chat as we are. 

I truly hope you find someone she can talk to, there has to be another out there....