Lost my wife.

[RichS]

Scott 56:

As everyone will agree on this board, we are all sorry for your loss. I see you've just passed the year mark in your grieving process. I'm always interested in reading posts from those who've been at this longer than me. I know that each one of us is on a slightly different grieving journey, Like you I've taken over the household chores as well; realizing what I suspected all along: getting all the things that need to be done was never easy for my wife. I used to help her when and and where I could be helpful. Now I've got big shoes to fill.

You seem to be handling your grief with a positive attitude, at this point. Hope I have similar results down the road, although I know that there is no time frame for grieving. Each of us copes a little differently; which is good since we can avoid comparing ourselves and our situations with others who are grieving.

 

[KayC]

Scott, thank you for updating us, it sounds you are doing as well as you can, wow on the movie!  Your kids should be proud of themselves, not easy trying to finish college soon after grief, very hard!  You have a positive mindset that serves you well, no easy feat to carry in this grief.

[William M]

Hi Scott.  Your post really resonated with me.  I'm about where you are. A little over a year for me, and I no longer cry everyday, but I still cry a bunch.   Sometimes I can now look at a photo and smile but not too often. . I'm too very emotional now and can cry at the drop of a hat. Heck, I just cried reading your post!  I guess I've fallen into a routine, doing all the chores now, and taking care of all the business I left to her. Somedays I'm doing pretty good, looking forward to things, but, then I get moments where I'm not sure what the point of it all is now....

Anyway, it was like I was reading notes from my current situation and thought I'd say Me Too!

BTW,  I'd like to watch that Otto movie, but not just yet.......

[Scott56]

All of your responses made me feel less alone . I tend to keep to myself as I am not around many others that are grieving . I bury lots of what I feel until I can let it out here. I am learning to move forward and enjoy some things in life, I know Chrissy is proud of the way I am handling things. I have become a better person since her death and I attribute that to her being my partner and better half for 27 years. The sad doesn’t go away, it just becomes bearable.

[Scott56]

On 1/18/2023 at 2:26 AM, Neight said:

iIHi everyone. I'm new to this and a friend suggested I look into this. I'm a 44 year old guy with a 9 year old girl. My daughter was my wifes pride and joy. She (my wife of 23 years) died of Covid on 1/16/22 at the age of 42. Our world as we knew it was over. Having to tell your young child that mom/dad isn't coming home is soul crushing for us, and them. But kids are incredibly strong and resilliant and inspiring. So its been a full year since my wife passed and so much has changed. New house, new city. New friends. I'm not going to lie and sit here and say the past year was hard because it wasnt. It was depressing, lonley, hopless, impossible, terrifying. All the firsts right? First Christmas, my kids 9th birthday, Thanksgiving, the 4th, her birthday. Brutal. Why me? Why her? Why us? Why now? How? How can I go on? Family thinks they know and they try and say the right things and want to do the right things and I apprciate them, but non of them know. And for me its unexplainable. As the weeks months went on it dawned on me, my kids at school every day. Clothed, fed and clean. Bills are getting paid. Holidays have come and gone. I'm stiil sober and alive and facing each day with purpose. Its not something I ever imagined I could do. I CANT raise a little girl myself, but here I am. And here you are. Were doing the impossible together. Some days are bad, some are not. We laugh and we cry. But we go on. I get her up for school, drop her off. Pick her up and we live life. Its not the life either of us wanted or asked for but here it is, like it or not. We choose to make the best of it. I know thats what she would have wanted. I guess i just wanted to vent a little and if your struggling with life, call someone. You are loved and people need you and rely on you. As awful as it is, it gets better. Friends and family start talking to you again without that worried, uncomfortable look on their face. My little girl and I have new routines. Anyway, I'm going to keep reading. Have a great day and thank you.

 

Welcome to the site, your journey has been similar to mine in many ways. To hear you describe what I went through but couldn’t put into words helps me to see how far I / we have come. Still sober resonates with me, can’t imagine if I had decided to drink again to get through this. I have become stronger and wiser in so many ways that I am amazed at the progress and growth we have achieved as a family. 

[KMkm]

I can't wait to be able to laugh and smile again. I truly believe that my wife would want that. The medium I went to reiterated exactly what my wife had said and probably would say if I could hear her. I'm glad that everyone here is sharing their eexperiences.  I still feel numb and just low.  I try to keep busy with my new business and my two kids.  I don't have the energy to write more and trying to motivate myself to get up every morning is steadily becoming harder.  I pray that I can get through each day and knowing a lot of other people can keep going..maybe I can too.  My suicidal thoughts still overwhelm my attention but I don't try to plan it out and instead I think about my promise to my wife.  Keep strong my friends.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[AJ4]

I have not seen the Otto movie but I read the book and saw the Swedish movie that was the same story.  It was a good story of rediscovering an interest in life after the unimaginable happens.  It's not something anyone wants to do but it is a thing we have to do.

[AJ4]

I had many times of wanting to die but I promised to keep going .  At some point that did become wanting to live .  I was also afraid of becoming mean and angry like the man in the book but I don't think that happened. I mean, sometimes I am angry but not as an overall personality change.

[Todd E]

On 1/24/2023 at 3:26 PM, Scott56 said:

Been over a year since my life was turned upside down and i lost my best friend and my kids lost their Mom. 29 days after my wife's passing i lost my best friend to cancer, i have only recently started trying to deal with that.I wanted to compare my feelings today to those from a year ago. I am learning to smile at pictures and memories of Christine now instead of falling apart. i have become a very emotional man that is brought to tears easily when something concerning love or loss is brought up. My children are getting through the best they can , my daughter just graduated from college with her Bachelors degree and my son who went back is going to receive his Bachelors degree this summer. It was hard for her to not have her Mom there.I recently went to see a movie not realizing that most of the movie was Tom Hanks missing his departed wife.. man called Otto. Good movie , horrible timing.   i am doing all the things my wife did now and my house is running smoothly. I have donated all of her clothes and have begun rearranging my bedroom and am remodeling a bathroom starting next week. I still find it strange making decisions on my own regarding colors and styles.I am still a mess but i am doing better than i was and i hope this is a trend. This past week i fell apart several times and got overwhelmingly sad , i suspect this will always happen . When it does i just accept it and go through it. I also realize that there are people going through far worse trials than i am and i thank God for all i have. I still ramble , thank you all for being here.

@Scott56  Hey Scott!   I must say reading your words about being moved to emotion when love or loss is mentioned.....Just know you are not alone in that.  Having always been ok with my own emotions I have noticed the very same thing in myself.  Just Know that the love you shared you always get to keep.  And the emotion and In-touch Empathy ( While we did not want it) should be celebrated as part of the NEW YOU.  I doubt we will ever lose that.  I can't imagine the challenges you must face guiding your precious Children through the tragedy, but the Sadness will lessen I promise.  In the mean time it has helped me to celebrate myself.  Perhaps that might help you too!   And Ramble on Brother!!  That's what this page is for!

   Much Peace and best wishes to you and your family.

[KayC]

10 hours ago, KMkm said:

I can't wait to be able to laugh and smile again. I truly believe that my wife would want that. The medium I went to reiterated exactly what my wife had said and probably would say if I could hear her. I'm glad that everyone here is sharing their eexperiences.  I still feel numb and just low.  I try to keep busy with my new business and my two kids.  I don't have the energy to write more and trying to motivate myself to get up every morning is steadily becoming harder.  I pray that I can get through each day and knowing a lot of other people can keep going..maybe I can too.  My suicidal thoughts still overwhelm my attention but I don't try to plan it out and instead I think about my promise to my wife.  Keep strong my friends.

 

This says a lot about where you are right now.  You've come a long ways.  I know, still a ways to go, that's true for all of us though.  Continue to hang in there, for your kids, but also for YOU.  Sending you thoughts of comfort and peace...hope that for all of us..

[Scott56]

11 hours ago, KMkm said:

I can't wait to be able to laugh and smile again. I truly believe that my wife would want that. The medium I went to reiterated exactly what my wife had said and probably would say if I could hear her. I'm glad that everyone here is sharing their eexperiences.  I still feel numb and just low.  I try to keep busy with my new business and my two kids.  I don't have the energy to write more and trying to motivate myself to get up every morning is steadily becoming harder.  I pray that I can get through each day and knowing a lot of other people can keep going..maybe I can too.  My suicidal thoughts still overwhelm my attention but I don't try to plan it out and instead I think about my promise to my wife.  Keep strong my friends.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I never thought of killing myself , but I did consider drinking again for about 5 seconds. Would have ended up the same. I believe that that is the voice of evil telling you to take the easy way out. We all have a choice to emerge from this as better,stronger people with a lust for life or we can crumble and become negative and bitter. I have been helping people when and where I can and it gets me out of my head. It helps to have friends , someone told me that if you want a friend be a friend and that seems to work. Thank you all for being there , it helps so much to not be alone through this.

[KayC]

22 hours ago, Scott56 said:

someone told me that if you want a friend be a friend

Yes, that seems to be how it works.  Except sometimes you're a friend for others and nada returned...that's hard.

[KMkm]

I am having a hard time trying to enjoy life. I find myself immersing myself in work. When I do work it's like the pain isnt so overwhelming and relentless. I know that the grief will be there when I stop and moslty it hits hard when I stop working.  I beg my wife to take me and end this but I know she would want me here with my kids.  I feel so selfish whining about my pain when my wife was the one who passed away.  I truly hope that anyone reading this finds strength and is determined to live a full life.  With every day that passes I think to myself that the pain will take me.  Eventually i will become too tired to fight.  I love my kids, family and friends, but I am becoming less optimistic about the future.  I want to just rest, close my eyes and just drift off even if hell is the only place for me.  Stay strong my friends.  Please don't let my words discourage you from fighting.  

 

 

[Alone. Again.]

KMkm:

I've read through this thread and you talk of ending your life many times.

Have you sought any support for this? If not, you must. There are people who can help you. 

My fiancé took his own life less than two months ago and I can tell you the devastation and pain left behind is nothing but torture. I have contemplated joining him so many times but I too have a daughter, she's only ten. I can't pretend I don't still have those moments, but a friend told me something that resonates. She said the pain is infectious and the pain he has left me in, I would then pass on to my daughter. I wouldn't wish how I feel on anyone, but especially not my beautiful daughter. 

Another friend of mine who has historic depression and has had suicidal thoughts for a long time, told me that after seeing me so completely broken, it made her take a step back and realise how she could never put her children through that pain. She could never leave them so completely shattered. 

I am 44 and feel as if my life ended when he took his, but we all have to find a way to live again, in some way. I don't want to just exist. 

Please think about seeking some help. You have to find a way to live again. 

[KayC]

1 hour ago, Alone. Again. said:

KMkm:

I've read through this thread and you talk of ending your life many times.

Have you sought any support for this? If not, you must. There are people who can help you. 

My fiancé took his own life less than two months ago and I can tell you the devastation and pain left behind is nothing but torture. I have contemplated joining him so many times but I too have a daughter, she's only ten. I can't pretend I don't still have those moments, but a friend told me something that resonates. She said the pain is infectious and the pain he has left me in, I would then pass on to my daughter. I wouldn't wish how I feel on anyone, but especially not my beautiful daughter. 

Another friend of mine who has historic depression and has had suicidal thoughts for a long time, told me that after seeing me so completely broken, it made her take a step back and realise how she could never put her children through that pain. She could never leave them so completely shattered. 

I am 44 and feel as if my life ended when he took his, but we all have to find a way to live again, in some way. I don't want to just exist. 

Please think about seeking some help. You have to find a way to live again. 

I wish this could be framed...

for KMkm...

[myloss123]

To everyone on this board, I get it. I've been dealing with my partner, gf, whatever you want to call her, her death for the past 3 years. She was my everything. She still is, not a day passes when I don't think about her. As a man in my mid/late 30s, we had our world at our feet. Cancer decided otherwise. No kids here, so at least they wouldn't suffer as I do. 

I've read some of you thought about ending things. So have I. I almost tried but I thought if I did, she would somehow find me and kick my a** for doing it. Not religious, but I do believe in life energy maybe regenerating somewhere else. 

I felt somewhat responsible for her death, as it was breast cancer. Granted, it was genetic. But our last year prior to her diagnosis, our physical relationship waned. I wish it didn't. Had to do with my work and how invested I was in it instead of her. I thought for a long time, had I made more of an effort to be more present, to be physical as we used to be, maybe, big maybe, I would've felt something and could've told her to get checked sooner. Can't go back in the past. 

What I can say, after the diagnosis, we became much stronger as a couple. I got 2 more years with her and some life experiences I wouldn't trade anything for.

Finally getting a bit better, and if I may say, from something so negative came some positives. I moved to a new state, started a new life, and slowly, daily, thanking her she has been part of my life and continues to do so. It's hard, really hard, she will never be replaced. She's the reason I keep going. So for those of you contemplating ending things, don't yet. Pull through and see what else you can find, because we're all stronger by going through these losses. 

[KayC]

@myloss123Beautifully put, thank you...all except the part about your being responsible.  We often feel IF we'd done this, or IF we'd have done that, it'd have a different outcome.  We can't know that.  We don't know what we don't know until we do...and by then they're gone.  Me too!  I felt that way, wishing I'd MADE George go to another doctor!  But honestly, you can suggest but you can't make someone do something...I had suggested, he hadn't acted on it.  Would it have saved his life?  From what we learned that last weekend, he'd had previous (heart attack) damage and we could pinpoint when it was to six months earlier, it resulted in his totaling his car.  The heart surgeon said the airbags going off had restarted his heart, giving him six more months to live.  Prior that that time, we had no idea.  So the short answer is probably not.  As is often the case with our what ifs.
My heart goes out to you, you've moved, done so much to help yourself, but bless you, you still love her and you seem like you have a good head on your shoulders.  Wishing you well on this journey.

[KMkm]

I have been going to counseling and she is worried as well. I promised my wife I would take care of our kids.  I will honor that promise and I love my kids dearly.  The thought of ending my life surfaces many times a day and different scenarios play out each time.  I won't go into detail but the end of each one is knowing my kids would have to leave their home and live with my family.  A friend of my late wife's keeps reminding me of that fact.  I just know that I want to live the rest of my life alone and unhappy.  I don't know why I want to but all I'm going to do is try and help others.  Suicide isn't the answer but I'll think about it everyday cause I want to be with my wife again.  I really appreciate everyone who reads and comments because it helps push the desire to end my life down deep.  Stay strong my friends.

 

 

 

[KayC]

@KMkmMy heart goes out to you, and I'm glad your wife's friend keeps reminding you that your kids need you, even as adults our kids need us, mine not so much anymore, but if I died I know they'd feel it, just my being here makes a difference even if they don't call.  They've never not had me. 

I do hope you continue to hang in there and push through these thoughts...this is a lot to deal with, and honestly I was relieved when these thoughts stopped hitting me.  Keep coming here, reading and posting makes all the difference in the world, just knowing someone cares...and we do.

 

 

[Scott56]

17 hours ago, KMkm said:

I have been going to counseling and she is worried as well. I promised my wife I would take care of our kids.  I will honor that promise and I love my kids dearly.  The thought of ending my life surfaces many times a day and different scenarios play out each time.  I won't go into detail but the end of each one is knowing my kids would have to leave their home and live with my family.  A friend of my late wife's keeps reminding me of that fact.  I just know that I want to live the rest of my life alone and unhappy.  I don't know why I want to but all I'm going to do is try and help others.  Suicide isn't the answer but I'll think about it everyday cause I want to be with my wife again.  I really appreciate everyone who reads and comments because it helps push the desire to end my life down deep.  Stay strong my friends.

 

 

 

Kkm, You are stronger and more resilient than you could have imagined because you are still here doing what needs to be done for you and your children. I also miss my wife and can’t see a future without her some days. I had just retired and we were figuring out what to do when she passed suddenly.When my head clears I realize that I am mostly feeling sorry for myself.  I know she was cheated out of the rest of her life and she deserved better but now I am here alone to live out my retirement that we worked for together for many years. None of this makes sense , there is no instructional manual to get through this. I try to stay positive and not let evil or negative thoughts into my head. I also try to treat myself  good with a gift or a special meal or a little time to myself whenever I can because that is what I would do for my wife when she was here. 

[KayC]

16 hours ago, Scott56 said:

I also try to treat myself  good with a gift or a special meal or a little time to myself

And this is so important.  You have a great spirit.

[KMkm]

The only thing that helps me is working cause I can focus on something.  Troubleshooting appliances and helping people with problems they have is a good way to get through each day.  I started to work too much and my kids suffered so I had to cut back the hours I work and try to be there more for them.  I still feel like giving up but the intensity seems to lessen as the months go on.  I will never search out happiness but if I can help others by making them laugh or fix something they need then I have purpose.  I hate feeling sad.   I hate feeling empty inside.

[RichS]

1 hour ago, KMkm said:

I will never search out happiness but if I can help others by making them laugh or fix something they need then I have purpose.  I hate feeling sad.   I hate feeling empty inside.

KMkm:  Your quote pretty much sums up how I'm feeling these days. Not searching for some big moment in the future, but I do find that service to others brings some satisfaction to my life. The intensity (crying less than months ago) is less, but the reality of her being gone is what hurts the most.

[Jemiga70]

10 hours ago, KMkm said:

The only thing that helps me is working cause I can focus on something.

Right there with you on this, brother.  So crucial.  Were it not for my work . . .

I too hate the emptiness and feeling sad, for me more like a depression/anxiety see-saw.  What can we do?  We keep moving, even if only an inch at a time.  You are resilient and you are doing it despite the pain, you are there for your children.

[KayC]

13 hours ago, KMkm said:

if I can help others by making them laugh or fix something they need then I have purpose.

You are amazing. Big hug!

11 hours ago, RichS said:

Not searching for some big moment in the future, but I do find that service to others brings some satisfaction to my life.

You too!

3 hours ago, Jemiga70 said:

Right there with you on this, brother.  So crucial.  Were it not for my work . . .

I too hate the emptiness and feeling sad, for me more like a depression/anxiety see-saw.  What can we do?  We keep moving, even if only an inch at a time.  You are resilient and you are doing it despite the pain, you are there for your children.

Great attitude and positivity! 

[KMkm]

I just hate feeling like I want to die.  I want to give up and let someone else raise my kids.  I want to lay down and just rest.  Not in the sense of an hour or a day but I'm exhausted.   My kids are my everything, they remind me of my wife and I promised her and also myself that I need to be here.  I can't lie that my will to live does waiver and I'm barely holding on.  I'll fight til I can't.  I'll be here for my kids til the day I can't fight the feeling and it finally wins.  Please don't think that if I can't do it then what's the point.  I'm not as strong as others.  Stay strong my friends.

[RichS]

KMkm:  Seems like you're feeling overwhelmed. I feel that way often myself; but somehow God answers my prayers and gives me a "second wind" when I need it. I too, have family that depends on me (a grown son with a learning disability and a 94 year old uncle who can't live alone anymore). This can make me weary, depending on the situation.

Because our wives passed away we have to remind ourselves that we're taking on "double duty" as far as running a house is concerned. I'm not saying that I can run the house as good as my wife did, but I'm trying; knowing that the three of them (yes, throw in the cat as well) depend on me to take care of their basic needs. Like you, there are times when I feel like being by myself, with no responsibilities. 

Your kids love you and think the world of you. So does my family. I can't let them down. If the roles were reversed, they would be there for me. Who knows? Someday you may be in ill health and need your kids to help you get through every day. They will be overwhelmed, just like us. I realized years ago that in our lifetime:

FAMILY TAKES CARE OF YOU, YOU TAKE CARE OF FAMILY

I know life is tough for all of us during our grieving period (however long that may last). A couple of nights ago, I was reading what's been going on with a fellow board member (john9----I believe). The man not only lost his wife, but is now fighting cancer alone, without his wife by his side to console him. Sometimes in life we realize that others have crosses to carry that are even heavier than ours. That helps us to realize that, as tough as it can get at times, we must go on; just like they must go on. The difference being that we know we don't carry as heavy a burden as they do.

HANG IN THERE............Pray to God for strength. He will help you just as he helps all of us on this board.

[KayC]

10 hours ago, RichS said:

KMkm:  Seems like you're feeling overwhelmed.

Maybe it'd be good to have someone take the kids for a couple of days and get away from it all for a much needed break.  (My go to place is the coast but haven't gotten away there in quite a while now).  There is something about the waves crashing and listening to it speak to my soul...

I encourage you to come back to and read Rich's response to you...over and over, as long as it takes...praying for you, my friend.

[KMkm]

I prayed to God to heal my wife, to tske me instead. It's not like I don't believe it just makes me think that this has to happen for a reason. I guess I'm such a bad person that he had to take away the reason I'm here. My kids don't deserve this pain, nor do any one else that lost a loved one.  My ability to believe that there is something greater than us has never changed.  I do believe things happen for some reason so if I decide that the pain is too great and I can't be here then I guess that's the plan.  My kids will take what my wife had taught them.  They will remember the times she was here and eventually get over the pain.  For me to pretend that I can do this is getting less believable.  I'm slowly getting worse.  I quit my anti depressants last Wednesday cause I'm tired of being numb.  I'm tired of life, and I'm tired of watching my kids suffer as I sit on my couch unable to do anything but stare until they need me for something.  I'm not alive....I died when my wife did 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[RichS]

Like you, I prayed to God for my wife’s recovery. Like you, If I had it in my power, I would have taken on most of her illness, rather than have her suffer so much. Like you, everyone on this board suffered a “death” when their soulmates died. Your kids are sad for the same reason you’re sad. Your wife is depending on you to raise them, just as you and all of us were dependent On our parents to raise and nurture us. If they threw in the towel in our youth, where would all of us here be today?

Like you, all of us on this board wonder why we have to go through what we’re going though. It’s so unfair, isn’t it? At times we’d all like to board a one way, non-stop flight to heaven. Like you, I think we didn’t stumble into this board by chance. God is giving us a another coping tool; or as Lost Thomas puts it, “This board is our life raft.” So are your anti-depressants, for that matter. USE THEM BOTH.........

All of us on this board are a grieving family; trying to help each other stay afloat in this crazy time of our lives. We’re all here to help each other. Help us to help you.

[KayC]

Everything I have read (and I used to work for a doctor) is never quit antidepressants without your doctor's help...how much does that play into your head's current thinking?  Please contact your doctor.  You have not had adequate time to make your way through this to feel any kind of way, it can take much time...

[RichS]

Gator M:  On behalf of our board members, we are all sorry for your loss. My wife also passed away at age 68. On this board you will find sympathetic, caring members who totally understand what you're going through. We hope that you'll continue to use this board to find the comfort that you need. WELCOME!!!!...............

[KayC]

@Gator MI am so sorry for your loss.  I lost my husband five days after his 51st birthday, will be 18 years on Father's Day.  I can honestly say there hasn't been a day go by but what I've missed him and thought of him.  I carry him in my heart now.  In the early days/months I was in shock, brain fog set in, pretty common.  Our friends all disappeared overnight, my two BFFs before the funeral even!  I couldn't believe it, I would never do that to someone!  A friend of mine just lost her husband a month ago, I'm there for her.

We want to welcome you here, it helps to have a place that "gets it" and understands, just to be able to vocalize what you're feeling and experiencing and know your heard.  My family cared but didn't have a clue.  His family went on with their lives, disappeared from mine.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[RichS]

Sim7079:  I sometimes feel that without Chris, I'm stuck moving forward.

My grief counseling friend told me just last week that you never know what will set off your grief. In my case, it was just a half an hour ago. I saw a picture of a clock. Then for some reason I thought of young puppies who sometimes need a small clock next to them to give them the security and feeling of the heartbeat of their mothers. This led to another thought: the day Chris' heart stop beating. And the waterworks starting flowing.................

These days, my purpose is as a caretaker. I suspect that is my therapy, according to God's plan....................

[Jemiga70]

On 3/5/2023 at 10:05 PM, KMkm said:

I quit my anti depressants last Wednesday cause I'm tired of being numb.

I was on Zoloft in the late 90s.  After about a year I quit cold turkey.  Big mistake.  Really messed up my emotions, colored my thinking process, made things that were already bad seem even worse. I do hear what you're saying about feeling numb, but these are powerful drugs; one needs to taper off slowly.  Grief is bad enough by itself as all of us sadly know.   I hope you consider talking to your doctor. Hang in there KMkm.

[KayC]

16 hours ago, Gator M said:

Church is one of the hardest things I do.  I also go to a GriefShare group and a Bible study but I find little joy anymore.  

I forced myself to go back to church right away but oh it was so hard!  I'm on the platform (Praise Team, leading morning worship), when I look out I always saw George's beaming face!  He was my biggest fan!  He once got pulled over on the way to church (he'd woke up late) and the officer asked him where he was going in such a hurry!  He said "To church, my wife is singing!" And the officer put his book away and said, "Well you'd best be going then!" and waved him on.

Looking out over the congregation and seeing his empty spot, or even worse when someone else was sitting there, it was so hard.

I'm glad you've joined a griefshare group, I've heard they're good.  I've led grief support groups in my country town and enjoyed it (before Covid, I miss the world before Covid).

I have a Bible Study I'm in too, or was before I got snowbound.

16 hours ago, Sim7079 said:

he is still with me in my heart, mind & in spirit & look forward to seeing him again when the time comes❤️

Yes, and this keeps me going.

 

[KayC]

Thank you, it's a sweet memory...

[RichS]

21 minutes ago, Gator M said:

I love my church and the pastor BUT it is ne emotional train wreck for me.

That's fine.......................you can always pray in your own home..............God hears you either way................

[Deborah_M]

5 hours ago, Gator M said:

Church is one of the hardest thing for me.  I love my church and the pastor BUT it is ne emotional train wreck for me.

 

  

 

Find another church, one that has a grief program , I did.  So sorry for your loss and the pain you are feeling.

[KayC]

I haven't been able to go since being snowed in, feeling disconnected.  I hope you're able to attend soon, I know it's hard, maybe try a tv minister in the meanwhile?  Or like Deborah suggested, another church?

[RichS]

Gator M:

1 hour ago, Gator M said:

It's not my church, it's my memories.  My issue is emptiness. 

Gator M:  I think everyone on this board struggles with past memories and the emptiness of not having the person you love with you every day. I struggle with that every day, myself. That is the hard reality for all of us. And then there is this subject called "purpose" which I hear a lot about. Other than care taking, I could not give you an answer as to what my long range purpose is. I guess the memories and the emptiness will eventually work itself out in our individual grieving process. Problem is, for some of us it might be later, rather than sooner.

[KMkm]

I hope everyone finds the strength to keep loving life.  Days might get hard but it doesn't mean that it's not worth it.  Just reach out for help.  Everyone needs help at some point.  Stay strong my friends.  Have a great day...don't look too far ahead.  Take care everyone.

[Scott56]

It has been 15 months since I lost my wife suddenly. I was retired 6 months when she passed. After about 6 months of total chaos I found a sort of rhythm with a couple of   along with maintaining a house hold. About a month ago I started feeling like my wife just passed again, I would come home and get so sad and feel guilty that I had had a good time . Grief comes at the strangest times , I am learning to accept it and just sit with it when it comes. There is no way around it. I have no real problems in my life except that I miss my wife and I am upset that she was cheated out of enjoying retirement with me. We had worked very hard to get to this point and not having her here just isn’t right.

[RichS]

Scott56:  My wife passed away 7 months ago; and every day since then things around me look the same but feel different. We've lived in our home for 26 years, yet it feels so empty without her. I also get the same feeling when I'm in different locations in our town. I'm glad that things have somewhat settled down for you after 6 months. I can only say that after 7 months I've accepted her being gone, but that's about it.

Yes, grief does come at the strangest times, when you least expect it. A friend of mine is a grief counselor and always reminds me that you don't have to look for grief, it will find you. This board has been a source of comfort to me since I joined 3 months ago. My friend who's a psychologist suggested that I journalize my feelings. I've never been a fan of doing that but after posting over 100 responses here, I guess I've surprised myself and did just that.

[KayC]

14 hours ago, KMkm said:

Have a great day...don't look too far ahead.

Yesterday the break in snow allowed me to go to church, was there for five hours, doing cleanup in the kitchen 1 1/2 hours afterwards, it was nice to see everyone.  Now we're going to have snow all week, exp. getting slammed Thursday on...not sure what I'll do.

Scott, I can relate, my George never got to retire, I'm doing it alone...I'm 70 now.

[Sparky1]

8 hours ago, Scott56 said:

I miss my wife and I am upset that she was cheated out of enjoying retirement with me. We had worked very hard to get to this point and not having her here just isn’t right.

Hey Scott, good to see you. Your post goes to show how similar grief is for all of us. I retired last June and it's been bittersweet for me. Like you, my wife counted down the years for my retirement so we could be together more and do lots of traveling and so forth. She missed it by a year and a half, and it hurts me to no end, sacrifing time with her to work like a dog and then at the end lose her. Now it's just a daily grind to get by not knowing the future, and how long I have left until I'm with her again.

[RichS]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

Now we're going to have snow all week, exp. getting slammed Thursday on

Kay: It's the first day of spring. When does the snow usually stop in Oregon??

[Scott56]

Rich S.   Early on this board was my lifeline , I had forgotten how it helped to put things down and be able to re read them.  Being on this site has helped me because we know that we’re not alone and also I realize that there are so many people less fortunate than I am. As a result of my loss I have become more compassionate towards others and I help people whenever I can. Sometimes a smile is all it takes.

[KayC]

2 hours ago, RichS said:

Kay: It's the first day of spring. When does the snow usually stop in Oregon??

Last year was the longest...the last day I had to shovel was May 15, Mother's Day.

[KMkm]

I'm doing a little better so I thought I would post.  A dear friend of my late wife called the police to do a wellness check on me last week.  I believe that this action lead to me feeling better.  I was admitted to a near by psychiatric ward of a hospital for an assessment.  It was traumatizing but not in the sense that you would think.  It traumatized me that I was being locked in a ward because I needed to be.  I thought to myself about how I got there rather than I want to leave.  I stood in my room looking out the window and felt calm.  I felt different, as if everything I was worrying about left me.  I can't do anything to occupy my mind in terms of work or internet.  I met some very nice people including the staff that took care of me.  That first night after eating I spent some time reflecting on how I feel so sad.  The despair and dread didn't feel so overwhelming, the sadness well ya its still there but not as intense as before.  I feel good.  I feel like I needed this to happen so I could find a way to be happy.  I am now on a path to happiness.  If I am going to live without my wife but I'm going to live the way she would have wanted.  She is here with me and either she can watch me mourn for her or she can live my life with me.  I love my wife and I want her to see what I would have done with her if she was still here.  I hope to continue posting my journey on this thread so others can read my words and relate as their journey starts.  Stay strong my friends.