Loss of an Adult Child

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[jennifersmom]

I have not posted in some time but feel the need to do so today. I lost my precious baby girl, my only child and my best friend on March 14, 2012, to pneumonia. Lately (especially since Thansgiving), I cry all the time. I have cried so much, almost daily since this nightmare began but, even more so now. Next Saturday will be her 34th b-day and I don't know how I am going to be able to do this. I just wish Christmas would pass me by. All the commercials on TV and decorations in the stores are just too much. Her B-day and X-mas we always made such a big deal about. Last year as always, we always had so much fun. Even though I have a good support system I feel so alone on this journey. I feel noone can even began to understad the sadness, depression and devastation I feel because of this. So many days all I want to do is die. I was getting signs from her all of the time but haven't had any in a while. A very good friend of mine said that maybe that is do to the fact that I am so emotional and my grief is so strong, that I blame myself at times that maybe I could have done something to prevent her passing. That I should have been with her when she passed. I saw the Long Island Medium show where she was doing a reading for a granddaughter who felt bad that she wasn't with her grandmother when she passed. Theresa (Long Island Medium) told her that sometimes we are not suppose to be with our loved ones when they pass because of the memory we would be left with. That gave me temporary relief. I wrote a letter to my daughter in my journal that day. I told her had I been there, I know I would not have been able to let her go. Jennifer (my daughter) loved tatoos. She had only one on her right ankle. I told her I could not believe she had one cuz that is something I would never do. Well, I have decided, even though I know it is gona hurt, to have her name tatooed on my right ankle to honor her memory for her B-day. And as I do it, I can already hear her laughing and saying "I can't believe you have a tatoo!" I love and miss you so, so very much my precious baby girl, Jennifer.

your mom forever

Robins

[ericasmom]

Hi All,

Lora, my students are in school until the 21st, the solstice. I like it best this way, having more of the quiet part of the holiday break off at home. Peaceful.

Becky sounds like what hit me that second year as well. If I could wrap my arms around you and let you lean a while I sure would, we become like rag dolls after this fight this trying to rearrange life to fit this gigantic hole. We finally realize that we can't really rearrange life, but instead have to rearrange our view, rearrange our expectations, rearrange our pieces of heart and soul. It is in that that we become exhausted and worn. Please hang on, I really do mean it when I say that you will find a way through this very bleak time and the sun will feel good again, but it will not be as it once was. You will find ways to let your new rearranged self to find the best it can in each day, taking from it the simple delights that a day has. Jared is cheering you on.

Our angels are rooting for us, they are asking that we live our best lives where they no longer can, stand in the world and live it well. That is how we can best honor our Kids. Our beautiful Angels.

Kate is having trouble logging on here, she wrote me and asked that I say hi for her and tell everyone that she is thinking of them.

[ericasmom]

Robins, I wrote at the same time as you. I think that your idea for the tattoo is a glorious way to honor your beautiful Daughter. A good way to mark her birthday. Hang on Robins, you are with so many others here experiencing this most painful season for the first time. It will not always hurt this much, the hole will always be there, but the pain will lessen over time. Your girl wants you to live in her light. It is okay to cry all day, we all have and even nearly 10 years later, I cry missing my Girl. She knows, she gets it. But I do live a life I love and it took a lot of time and effort to learn how to do that. I know it makes Erica happy.

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[BrendaDup59]

Hi I thought I would post a few pictures of my granddaughter Jayden she is 8 and Brian's oldest daughter , she stayed the weekend the first time because she lives in Northern KY and was never sure she would stay but she wanted to and she really did great ,she is a sleep beside me now, we spent most of the day out side putting out the decorations and then we came in and piled up on the bed and I took some pictures of her and Kaleb, he is crazy about her and it's hard to get through his little head that she is his niece..lol she reminds me so much of her father .. I have really enjoyed having her here . after being outside I am now coughing my head off.. oh well I hope you all have a good night . <3

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Lora, I meant to tell you how sorry I was that your co-worker was cruel to you. I felt your pain.

Dee, thanks once again, my friend, for your kindness and understanding. We all do lean on you, as you have been on this journey a lot longer, but I hope that you take something from all of us as well.

Brenda, the pics were so adorable! I am glad you got to spend this precious time with your grandbaby.

I may try to get some decorations out tomorrow... we'll see.

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[ericasmom]

Hey All, woke to a very cloudy yet warm day. This warmth in December is not a good sign and the whole global warmth issue has me very concerned. I have to finish my report cards today and then I will do a happy dance. What a big job they are, wording things just so to make sure the points are made but delicately stated when needed.

Brenda, your eldest Grandgirl is a doll and smiles just like her Daddy. I love the photo of she and her uncle, that is just lovely. Seems to me that she is quite comfy with you and that time with you helps her figure things out too. That connection to her Dad through your home has got to be important to her. Anyway, she looks very relaxed. Don't over-do with that cough Brenda, are you drinking warm tea with honey? I know it sounds awful but if you could drink 2TBL of cider vinegar in a glass of warm water...it helps break up mucus. What have the doctors put you on?

Becky, those of us ahead of you and others here want to just assure you that we definitely get it, that you are not CRAZY, that life will get better-albeit, never the same. I know I wish that I could do more, but also know that it is a process, a long one, but each step in the process will bring you back into the light. Peace.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

[daveydow1]

Dee----Yes....these warm days in Dec. gives one pause to think about global

warming and its effect on weather worldwide. If only the 'powers that be', of

all different countries.....not just the U.S., would pay more attention.

It will be nice when your Christmas break at school rolls around. I imagine

the kids will be so glad & excited also. Hope you get some much-deserved R&R,

and good family time.

Lora-----Excuse me for forgetting to comment on your post about the

co-worker who was so rude and thoughtless to you by saying that you

should be 'over' sweet Cara's death by now.....5 months later ??? I'm

sorry that she was so mean & hurtful. She obviously has forgotten all

the good turns you had done for her, and also that she never suffered

the loss of a beloved child, or she would not have been so witchy. I'm

sorry that this happened to you. It is so understandable that you would

be hurt and cried on the way home. Your last sentence in your post

says it all for you, and for each of us here at BI.....that you will NEVER

get over losing your child. If others don't (or won't) like it, then that's

their problem. (sorry if I sound harsh, everyone, but over the 9 yrs. I've

been on BI, along with Dee, we've heard lots of grieving parents tell of

mean and thoughtless people telling them to get over their grief and

move on. No one who has lost their child is ever going to 'get over it'.

Sending thoughts & prayers for you as your first Chrismas without dear

Cara approaches.

Brenda----

thanks so much for the pics of your dear ones. They are such

beautiful children.

Becky-----thanks for posting the heartfelt poem. JD is surely near to you

as you struggle with the sorrow of your loss of this beloved son. Peace to you.

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY, ANGEL SARAH.

Robins-----

I'm sorry for your loss of your dear daughter, Jennifer. The tattoo

will be a wonderful way to honor her dear sweet memory.

JD------thanks for posting the Poems. So heartfelt & true. I'm sorry for

your loss. Please come back to BI & post/read when you can. Peace & prayers.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

I fully agree Sherry, China is a big contributor to the amazing pollution going on as there are no regulations on their factories or at least there have not been many. This is a global issue, everyone looks at the same sky, enjoys the same stars and the same sun warms each of us. We have got to get our arms around this issue.

So Sherry, how is your Mom? What will your family do for the holidays this year? Will you have the boys over for some baking?

I drove up a few beautifully decorated streets this evening on my way home from the grocery store. I always admire the lights, the pretty colors, the shine, but I don't like them up beyond a certain time; New Years. So I will look to see what we still have, I gave so much away when I realized that I may never decorate again. We'll see. On the other hand, Shan and Jon bought their tree already and decorated it too. It is a pretty tree, great shape to it. We will have dinner at their home on Christmas Eve. On Christmas Day we have our morning ritual of sitting together and drinking coffee, listening to music and opening the few gifts we purchase for one another. I go for a walk after that and then we go to my husband's sister's home about 15 miles away. It is low-key. My family gathers on the 21st at my Sis Mare's home, all of the kids (great nieces and nephews) and it is a wonderful night for us. ERi loved that night every year that she was here. She would start begging that we stay really late the day before the event. We always did stay late so I don't know why she needed to beg but it was funny. She loved Christmas, she loved the decorations and the anticipation. I miss that so much.

[mperez13]

I truly wish I had the Christmas spirit depicted in ericasmom's post. I'm one of those unfortunate people who get the blues around holidays, especially Christmas.

I've had this ever since i can remember. In my case it may be due to the fact that we were very poor and couldn't afford much in the way of presents at Christmas-which sounds terribly mercenary but as a little boy of 4 or 5 I could sense how melancholy my parents were at this time of year. I didn't know why but children are able to sense things they can't articulate.

Now that my son Christopher is gone (4 months today) the holiday's are even worst.

I just as soon go to sleep on December 23rd and wake up on the 26th.

But then there's New Years.

My grief has taken on so many facets my head is spinning. I'd like too list them here and perhaps someone can tell me if I'm going out of my mind-or that what is happening is normal, ok, to be expected, nothing unusual, etc.

I well up with tears every day I think of him

I find myself sometimes avoiding looking at some pictures of him hanging on the wall to avoid crying-then feel guilty that I'm ignoring him.

My mind plays back an endless loop of moments in his life.

Because he was addicted to drugs and the fact that the last years of his life were a nightmare for all of us trying to save him, I keep trying to find something good, a good memory I can hang on to.

Someone sent me a short video of him when he was sober and he was laughing, having a good time, full of life and very funny--at first I loved this and smiled when I saw him, then just as quick got depressed that I didn't see or enjoy more of this-that I wish he were alive today so I could help him get back to that state.

I find myself reading more, looking at more tv, going to more movies, spending more time on the internet-perhaps to avoid allowing the grief and the knowlege of his loss to overwhelm me. Is this normal? I worry about it, feel guilty that I am avoiding him but know in my heart that this is not possible. Ever.

I will always love my son and would have traded my life for his had I been able to. I will always miss him, think about him ever day. Cry when I think about him. But I never want to feel that intense agonizing bottomless pain and sadness I felt in the first 3months. Is this cowardly? Am I not allowing the fullness of grief over losing a child to stay with me longer? I don't know what is right, normal. All I know is I am confused. Manny, Christopher's dad.

[dsmurph]

Hi Manny, Christopher's dad,

Our14 year old daughter, Emily, has been gone a little over 5 weeks. I am going through all of the same things. Today our dentist's office called about an appointment we had tomorrow. I had to tell them Emily passed. I couldn't even get it out without sobbing. I also find myself to be real scattered right now. I cannot seem to fully accomplish any thing. I feel like everything is in slow motion. I feel guilty when I do have a day where I feel a little better. I also feel guilty for feeling so sad and out of it because I still have my 6 year old to be strong for. When she sees me crying I tell her it's ok for me to cry because I miss her sister and soon I'll get better. I really don't know how to move forward right now. I'm not sure I even want to move forward because it is without her. But I guess we are forced to, aren't we?I'm sorry for your loss, I understand your pain. Debbie

[justinlsmom]

Hi Manny, I know exactly what you are feeling. My son Justin passed away on August 4th, it is 4 months tomorrow. His 20th birthday was on August 19th, the same day you lost your son. I don't usually post very much on this site but i do visit every day. I want you to know that I feel exactly the same as you do. I was speaking to my mothers group and asked them if they thought i was avoiding. I do what you do, I keep busy doing every thing so i don't have to think, I read, watch tv. do crosswords anything so that i dont have to be alone in my own mind. I avoid looking at pictures and then feel guilty, i avoid going into his room and then feel guilty about it. I too am afraid that i am running away and not dealing with it because I fear that i will be sucked back into the unbelievable pain, both mental & physical, that I was in 1, 2 or even 3 months ago. I tell myself I don't think I could deal with that pain again without going out of my mind, so i feel that i am avoiding the triggers that might set me off, I don't know if this is right, i just know i don't want to feel that pain right now. I miss him, i love him, i think about him alot, not all the time anymore, it has eased off abit, but even then i feel guilty that i don't think about him constantly like i did in the first 3 months. I don't know how the mind works, but it works this way for a reason. Don;t get me wrong, I think about him alot, i visit him a the cemetery, I do the things i am comfortable with. I am going to put up a Christmas tree at the cemetery this week, i have found solar lights and i am looking forward to this event, i will ask his friends to decorate it and every time i go and find something new there it will make me feel good, make me feel that he mattered to others as well. My son was a wonderful, happy young man, and like all 19 year olds he had his good days and bad days, and unfortunately as bereaved parents for some reason we concentrate on the bad and not the good and its not fair to us, because there were many more good days then bad days, I don't know why we do this to ourselves i only hope that down the road this will change. Sorry I am rambling, i just wanted you to know as a "mom" I am in the same place as you are and have the same feelings, and from what i am understanding from others further down this road then us, this is okay, you don't have to be crying and grieving 24/7, it does not mean you/we loved our kids less then the parent that is still having a really, really hard time at 6 months, 12months, 1 year, we all grieve differently and that is okay. Take care of yourself. Justins Mom!

[justinlsmom]

Hi Manny, I know exactly what you are feeling. My son Justin passed away on August 4th, it is 4 months tomorrow. His 20th birthday was on August 19th, the same day you lost your son. I don't usually post very much on this site but i do visit every day. I want you to know that I feel exactly the same as you do. I was speaking to my mothers group and asked them if they thought i was avoiding. I do what you do, I keep busy doing every thing so i don't have to think, I read, watch tv. do crosswords anything so that i dont have to be alone in my own mind. I avoid looking at pictures and then feel guilty, i avoid going into his room and then feel guilty about it. I too am afraid that i am running away and not dealing with it because I fear that i will be sucked back into the unbelievable pain, both mental & physical, that I was in 1, 2 or even 3 months ago. I tell myself I don't think I could deal with that pain again without going out of my mind, so i feel that i am avoiding the triggers that might set me off, I don't know if this is right, i just know i don't want to feel that pain right now. I miss him, i love him, i think about him alot, not all the time anymore, it has eased off abit, but even then i feel guilty that i don't think about him constantly like i did in the first 3 months. I don't know how the mind works, but it works this way for a reason. Don;t get me wrong, I think about him alot, i visit him a the cemetery, I do the things i am comfortable with. I am going to put up a Christmas tree at the cemetery this week, i have found solar lights and i am looking forward to this event, i will ask his friends to decorate it and every time i go and find something new there it will make me feel good, make me feel that he mattered to others as well. My son was a wonderful, happy young man, and like all 19 year olds he had his good days and bad days, and unfortunately as bereaved parents for some reason we concentrate on the bad and not the good and its not fair to us, because there were many more good days then bad days, I don't know why we do this to ourselves i only hope that down the road this will change. Sorry I am rambling, i just wanted you to know as a "mom" I am in the same place as you are and have the same feelings, and from what i am understanding from others further down this road then us, this is okay, you don't have to be crying and grieving 24/7, it does not mean you/we loved our kids less then the parent that is still having a really, really hard time at 6 months, 12months, 1 year, we all grieve differently and that is okay. Take care of yourself. Justins Mom!

[daveydow1]

Debbie----I am sorry for your loss of your dear daughter, Emily.

This is so very early for you on this rough road. Just try to take

it one day at a time.....small baby steps. It is so understandable

that you would cry when the dentist's office called. Be kind to

yourself, Debbie. Your little girl will understand that you miss

Emily. Please come back to BI and tell us about your sweet girl

when you feel ready. Peace & prayers.

Manny----Sending thoughts & prayers.

Justinsmom---Good to see your post.

Dee----I'll probably have the boys overnight when their parents

go to the company Christmas party, and we may do some baking,

or put puzzles together....they love jigsaw puzzles. China is

the biggest polluter of carbon dioxide in the world....

with no regulations...The U.S, companies get around the rules

of the EPA for manufacturing in the U.S......they just send the

work overseas. They also like the cheap wages.....20 cents an hour...

sometimes less. There seems to be no real effort to make changes.

Your plans for Christmas eve....having dinner with Jon & Shannon

will be so nice. also....Christmas morning.....having coffee and music

will be a nice way to just relax with family. We keep our holiday to

a low-key level. We don't decorate as much as we used to either.

I put up a few things, and might do the small tree. With a new kitten,

we're not going to put a lot of temptations in front of her because

kittens are so curious and they get into devilment very easily.

So very sorry for all the new parents, who have found their way here.

Peace & comfort to each and every one.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

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[BrendaDup59]

Hi, I just wanted to thank you all for your sweet compliments , I did have a wonderful weekend with Jayden she has already planned to come here on the 21'st until Christmas eve . Then I decided to tell my DIL (Brett's wife ) we were having Christmas like we always do at my moms as I do not know how many more I will have with my mom she is not well and Christmas day we are going to meet my husbands sister to go visit my MIL's grave we lost her November 2, 2011 and Christmas Day was her birthday. .as she sent me a message they would not come if my sister and niece were there well ended up in a battle of words with her .. I have had enough , the things she said were unbelievable, I am so tired of her being a mouth piece for my son he is not the man I raised he has become a product of his environment and I will not fight or have words with him through her anymore. so I let the flood gates open and told her what I have kept all bottled up inside for the last 10 years . I am sorry I will not have a relationship with my son .. I haven't in at least 9 years I will miss my grandchildren but I am human I have feelings and I am tired of letting my DIL treat me like she has and I am at peace with my decision. I have always had a hard time taking up for myself but there comes a time in life you have to stop letting people walk all over for fear off loss, well losing Brian has taught me so much and if I can survive losing my son to death I can survive letting another son go until he grows up and realize how controlling his wife is. she has managed to push away his whole family. well Thanks for not minding me venting on here. OH when I took Jayden home last night my little Jaci always wanted to give high 5's well now it's Knuckle bumps..lol here is a picture of her and her attitude! she is something else. she has her mouth surgery on Wednesday at 11.30 . please keep her in your prayers.

Thanks Dee , I do feel a little better and yes I love hot tea ..

Lora.. I bet the lights look beautiful .. I am sure Cara is smiling ..

[ericasmom]

Sherry, you have a new kitty. What kind and what is her/his name? I may have read this before but it does not ring a bell at all. I am sure that you will have fun with the boys, though tiring it will be sweet. I like those sweet times so much.

Manny, Justins' Mom, and Debbie, the Christmas/Holiday spirit was not with me that first year, nor really the second. I have always loved the season, but after Eri was killed nearly 10 years ago, I could not imagine a tree, nor much of anything, but yes, Lora, I did go to my Sister's that first year. When I am with my family and all of the kids, I am surrounded by those who knew Eri so well and together we grieved but together we also moved forward in order to provide the joy of the holiday for the little ones. Eri would have insisted on this I know. Jonathan was so hard to watch those first few years, his anxiety and sadness so big it hardly fit in any room. That first year Manny, I made two photo albums, one for Eri and Jon's dad, Michael, and one for Jon. They came over to our home for dinner on Christmas Eve. Michael was quite a loner, his friends were his kids' friends and his kids. Jon went back to live with his Dad when Eri was killed. Their home is 2.5 blocks from ours. For Michael to be able to come to our home, my husbands and mine was a big step for Mike, he had a hard time reconciling my getting married even though it happened 6 years prior to Eri's death. Anyhow, we made a nice dinner and drank a toast to our Girl, we cried and we talked and I gave them each an album of photos. These made us all cry but that was good too, nobody tried to hold the tears in. We acknowledged our sadness and our inability to see past the day. It was all we could do. I did not have a tree to decorate for 7 Christmases after Eri left. On the 8th year, Jonathan asked if we could go get a tree together even though he was living in his Dad's home, (his Dad died in 2008. So we did, we found a lovely tree and brought it here and he and I opened the long closed bins of old ornaments. THere were so many memories in that bin. He brought his train set over and put it under the tree. I hung most of the ornaments, he watched, overwhelmed by the story of each, the remembering was hard but wonderful too. So that year we had our tree and on the day after Christmas, the tree fell down, BOOM, with no apparent cause. I laughed, feeling that ERz was laughing at me because i hate to have the tree up beyond a few days past Christmas. So I took it down. Now that was the hard part. Packing away all of those tender memories. That is why I have not had one since. Maybe this year, but more than likely not. I love bringing the memories out, but I hate putting them away, feels like a burial again.

No we never do get over the loss, why should we, we never lose our joy at their arrival right? How then could we get over their lives? We learn to live with the hole. We do. They help us to do this. Be as patient as you can, there is not a timeline in which you must be operating at any kind of speed. Take time as it comes, abstract and twisted and do what you can to make it through this day and then tomorrow. try to let the guilt go, it does nothing good for us. We did our best like most parents on this Earth. Our Babies had a shorter amount of days in their cycle, but their lives were full.

Nobody that lives one day beyond their child is cowardly, you are brave and bold and while feeling broken, you are in-fact finding a way to live under the weight of so much pain. Be gentle to yourselves and realize that everything having to do with grief is a process. We are here for you as you go through this long process.

[ericasmom]

Brenda, RIGHT ON! I don't think you said anything we would not have said in your defense. GOOD for you. She keeps putting rules on your visits and nothing is good about these so I agree with your decision. Your Son has his life that he has kept away from you for some time now. While sad, you know what sadness is and you can't let them run your days like she has tried. I am sorry though, but I am also so proud of your VOICE.

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[shorty16]

To my friends,

I have been reading, with interest, the struggles we are all having with the holiday season.

Yes, this time is difficult and we each handle it in a different way.

As for our family, we left our home and traveled out of state for the first 2 Christmas' I, personnally, could not stay in my home knowing Brian would not be there.

The 3rd Christmas, our first home, was very difficult.

This is now our 5th Christmas without Brian and it seems to get softer with time.

This process we are all going through takes more time then we ever anticipated to get our feet back under us.

Please be kind to yourself. Do not expect alot from yourself right now. Do what is right for you and your family.

Just a thought

Colleen, Brian's Mother 4ever

[mperez13]

To all the grieving parents who were so kind to respond to my sadness in even thinking about the coming holidays without my son Christopher; your responses were so helpful, gentle and smart. I tend to beat myself up so the advice to be kind to myself is something I need to work on. In know I am not alone and that what I am going through everyone who has lost a child has gone through. A very good therapist I am seeing asked if I talk to my son and I told him my good wife suggested this. She talks to her late father, who died 4 years ago at the age of 96 everyday. I do find myself talking to my son silently and tried to do this out loud, when I'm alone. It was hard. Could barely get through a sentence without crying but in a funny way it was cathartic. One thing I have done consistently

is to tell him I love him the first thing in the morning and the last thing at night. But the pain, as you all know too well, is like a life long virus which lies dormant for a while, then hits full force. The time in between varies. Right now, I am crying as I write this simply because he is gone from my life and gone also is the "mission: I took on to try to save his life-so the emptiness is magnified. God bless you all. Manny, Christopher's dad.

[Jilly's mom]

Hi all.

I have been away for several weeks. I am sorry to see so many new names here. Welcome to the newbies! You will find this site a rock you can cling to on most days!

I have a question for the more seasoned grievers out there....

I was enlightening my coworkers about the most common fear I have found among the parents of angels....that their child will be forgotten. I told them it was ok to mention our angel's names, to talk about them and share a memory of them ESP during the holiday season. They are not "reminding us" of our loss, because there is so rarely a time we are not thinking of our children.

One asked me when or if, parents ever got tired of getting cards on their child's birthday or angelversary. 10 years? 20? 30 years out? Do you seasoned parents have an opinion on this? I felt unqualified to answer because Iam only a year out, and when someone mentions my daughter, I feel great joy that they are remembering her too.

Any input would be appreciated.

Louise~Jilly's mom

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[BrendaDup59]

I just got home from work, and It is 10:00 pm in PA and it is 61 degrees in December. I could handle this weather but it is raining.

Stopped to see my parents tonight, a coworker gave me a poinsettia and I had to give it to my mom because my cats eat plants and flowers. My parents worry about me and I don't go over much, I go to work and go home most days. I am not sure why I avoid most people except who I work with. I think I did in the beginning because people got on my nerves and I was not in control emotionally, I am in better control now, at least until I get by myself.

Have a peaceful nights rest.

Lora, I know what you mean about being around people , to just get myself out of the house is so hard, even to just go over my moms all I think about while I am out is just wanting to get back home.. I just started a new medication tonight for depression /anxiety boy I sure hope it helps .

Manny thinking of you and I feel your pain, I talk to my son all the time. mostly in my head, I have asked him for signs and he has not let me down .

Louise, I will be looking for the answers too, although I don't think I will ever get tired of getting messages for Brian,

[shorty16]

Brian's Mom and Cara's Mom,

What you are feeling is completely normal, especially at this early stage.

For the first 4 months after my Brian's death, i had panic attachs leaving my home (I had never had one before and thought I was having a heart attack)!

This went on for a while.

Be kind to yourself. It is OK if you do not feel like the life of the party - it is OK to go home day after day. Sometime in the future, you will be able to go out.

It takes a long time to get used to this new life we have. This new life that none of us wanted, but we find ourselves thrust into kicking and screaming (literally).

It has just been within the last year or two that I want to go out and do something - Brian died 6-19-2008.

Again - be kind to yourself. What you are experiencing is completely normal - considering what our normal is now!!

Colleen, Brian's Mother 4ever

[daveydow1]

I just lost my entire post.....ARGggggggggh. Hate when that happens,

and wish there was a way to retrieve the post.

Sherry

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[ericasmom]

Sherry, I once was able to get my post back by hitting the back button. I know how frustrating that is, I have done it plenty of times after a lengthy post too. Arghhh. Hope you are well.

I agree fully with Colleen, she knows how much time it took and how much work she did to find a softer place to land, but that work takes time and the first year is filled with the hard work of just learning how to live and get up and fix food for the family. That is enough work right there. Later, you will do some different work to find a better space in which to live. You will know when you are ready to take those steps.

[BrendaDup59]

Hi , I just wanted to let you know Jaci did not have her mouth surgery today it got rescheduled for January 21 , She woke up yesterday throwing up a lot of mucus she gets a lot of sinus drainage and Traci was too afraid to have it done and she also has strep running through the other kids.so I think she made the best decision . I just hate she has to wait so long . I cant wait to see all the kids at Christmas I just hope she can get all them better.

[ericasmom]

Lora, what a nice thing to be able to provide so much for the little girl. Fun isn't it? Hey, who wouldn't be tired with your double schedule. I hope that you will rest for a while.

Brenda, good decision about Jaci. Don't need to do surgery if she is already under the weather. The flu is hitting early and hard they are saying. The teaching assistant that works in my clasroom came back to school today after going home ill on Friday evening. She is not all the way better but she is better than she was. Her whole body hurts she said. Icky germs. Every few minutes a child sneezes in my room and I do not mean, one child sneezes, what I mean is every few minutes a new child sneezes. All day long!

[Guest]

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[hotrod]

Hi Indigos

No one has posted all day and I miss you all!! I do visit each day, say a prayer for each of our angels and hold all Indigos in my heart.

I know this is a really difficult time of year for us all so I try to do it one moment, one day at a time

Just a reminder that the Compassionate Friends Candle Lighting is upon us. So please remember to light that candle.

Worldwide Candlelighting Service

Sunday Dec. 9. 2012

Starts at 6:30

Click here for details!

Holding All Indigos New to this Journey as well as Dee, Sherry, Colleen, Trudi, Carol. Rhonda, Susannah, Karen, Kate, Lorri, Lynn, Sonya in my heart.

Love You all

[daveydow1]

Lora-----I'm sure that the girl will be thrilled with the jeans, sweatshirt, and

socks. So good of you to give them. My kitty is doing ok. Gets rowdy

sometimes, but then she is a kitten. Hope you get some rest.

Dee---After typing the entire post yesterday, I lost it, and didn't seem to

be able to get it back any way. I didn't have the energy to start all over

again. Very annoying when that happens. My kitty is gray, and approx.

a little over a year old.....(maybe).....there seemed to be a mixup as to

the cats' records at the shelter, with two female kitties looking pretty

nearly alike. I will be taking her in to the vets' sometime soon to have a

checkup. The facility where she came from is a 'no-kill' shelter, and they

were getting a surplus of kitties, so ran a special for adoption. They only

have cats. Each cat that's adopted is already 'fixed' and has its 1st shots.

I had said (on my 'lost' post yesterday, that it was so good for you and

your husband, and Michael and Jon, to have a family time when ERi was

remembered & honored. Beneficial for everyone. No name yet for the

kitten, but am leaning toward "Jade".......(she has green eyes).

PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Betty-----Hello... I think we posted at the same time.So good to see your post.

Also, glad that you visit Bi regularly. Thank you for sending up prayers for all our angels,

and of course for your dear son, Stephen. Yep---one day at

a time......I think it's the best way on this rough road. Peace to you.

Sherry

[ericasmom]

Betty, so lovely to see Stephen's smile tonight. Thanks for reminding us of the candle lighting. I will have several candles set to shine hoping that all of our Children see our love as bright as stars. How are you Betty? Have you been feeding the squirrels?

Sherry, I love the name Jade for Kitty. How pretty gray and green eyed. Lovely.

Lora, it is so very quiet here today, I do think that many are down in the dumps with the holidays upon them for the first time without their beloved Child. There is no way to describe what you and the others are facing in your first holidays in this new world, the only way through this time is through it. No getting around it or dodging it. We go through it and we find out that we make it through. We use the lessons to help us the next year and the next and we see the process going forward.

Like you, I kept very busy after ERi died, well I have always kept very busy and it was the right thing to continue being busy. Not for everyone but definitely for me. It isn't to push the reality away, but to find life still waiting for me each day in the job I do, in the walks I take, in the volunteering I do. Life still is going on even when our world stops, so for me, I had to keep on with the business of being busy. Somehow staying active was also my way of communicating so much with Erica. She left signs and just plain old nature left me signs to move forward taking her with me deeply embedded in my heart. The cycle of living things.

[Guest]

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[mikesmomrs]

It has been a while since I've come on an posted, though I've stopped by to read nearly every day, and as usual, hold all of you in my prayers. I have found myself doing what Patti, Justin's mom has written: " I keep busy doing everything so i don't have to think, I read, watch tv do crosswords anything so that i dont have to be alone in my own mind." I don't do crosswords, but I do find other things to keep my mind occupied. Right now it is mostly taking care of loose ends, trying to form a new budget, etc. I've not been able to form a new kind of day, and don't know if I ever will. Any sort of "routine" that hubby and I had before he died was disrupted almost to forgetting what it was when he went into the hospital and was there for 59 of the last 60 days of his life. Despite the usual "routine" of the hospital, his condition was so erratic that there was no actual routine going on around him. The holidays of course are as hurtful this year as they were the year young Mike died. Horrific, yet part of all that is around us. Manny, Justin's mom, and Debbie...these first days/weeks are SO hard...the pain is so piercing and ever present. I remember the first Christmas after Mike died (just 10 weeks after he died was Christmas), someone sent me a poem. I don't know the author, but it had to have been written by someone who had just lost a dear one, as it struck every chord of pain that was living in my heart at the time.

Stop the children’s singing,

The voice I long for has been stilled.

Turn out the sparking lights,

They are no longer reflected in his eyes.

Close the shops, lock the doors,

The gift I want just isn’t there.

Take away the Joy, the Peace on Earth,

the Season’s Greetings.

I want company in my misery,

Throw out the baubles, the ornaments,

the pretty packages,

I can’t see them through my tears.

Light a candle in his memory,

Tell me you remember,

Send me a blanket of pure, white snow,

To cover the Earth,

and his place in it.

Eventually, over the years, that depth of pain had softened, but now it is back, with the loss of my sweet husband. As I see the days of this month ahead, my heart feels drained once again. I know, though, from my years of grieving for young Mike, that this too will soften, and I know also, that nothing will speed that up, that it must take its time, our time, the time for each of us individually, to reach that point.

I am sorry to see more new people here, knowing that the pain you feel in your heart over the loss of your dear child is so all consuming, so piercing that you can't imagine it ever being different. But those of us who have been here a while can reassure you that it does become different. I don't think it ever goes away completely, but it does change. Breathing becomes possible again. Tears don't come as often. Memories can be recalled without causing us to go into an endless spiral of sorrow when we realize that we shall never make any new memories. For now, I can't wait for those days when I can think of my husband and not go into that spiral again. I know it will come. My heart and breath depend on its coming.

BRENDA: I am so, so sorry that you are having to deal with this from your dil and also your son. Your heart is broken and yet these additional sorrows in your life cause you even more pain. I am glad however, that you have managed to make the decision to move forward through it all and seek out the happiness and joy that surround you locally. It is a tough decision to make, and I pray strength for you. It is so hurtful when people we love will do things that will cause us such pain; as if there isn't enough pain already surrounding us. I am glad that you were able to let her know how you feel. I love the pictures of Jayden, such a beautiful child with a sweet, sweet smile. Thank you for sharing. Love the pic of Jaci, too, and her little " 'tude!"

BECKY: The poem, like all of your writings, is beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing. I know that JD is very proud of you for all that you do. How is the healing from the surgery? (I hope I have the right person for this...you did have surgery for the pain in your neck and arms, right?)

LORA: Your coworker was so unkind and hurtful. sometimes you just wonder what makes some people tic, but of course, when it involves the pain we are feeling over the child who is no longer with us, it is more than that, so much more. I do know about the "I could go on, but it just hurt." I think a lot of us do. I am so sorry. I like that you decorated for Cara, and I am sure that she likes it, too. We haven't put anything up at the cemetery yet. We did (grandson Davis and I) go out and get the wreath today. We have always decorated a wreath for our son before, but now it will include some things for hubby, as well. I knew this day was coming, but oh, you are just never prepared, never. When we put up Mike's wreath last year, I refused to think about this year coming, though I knew in my heart it was quite possible my husband would not be here for this Christmas. I like that Jared told you that you give him strength. How sweet of him. My grandson, Davis, who is 27 and lives here with me, told me that I am his "role model" for grieving his grandfather. He said that though I am sad and do cry when I need to, I am still able to carry on with the daily life stuff that still needs to be lived. I am glad that I have shown him that it is okay to cry. I know he misses his grandfather so very much. They had just gotten really close again, the few months before hubby left. Crying sometimes relieves stress for me, too, Lora.

DEE: I hope the shopping and getting things ready for your Christmas donations is going well with your class. You are doing the same as before, right? (having them help to shop online, etc.) I also am glad that you are getting out and walking like you like to do. I did read your post about the trip to see the lions' wreaths placed. I always enjoy your talking about that...I feel as though I am with you. And how sweet to run into someone you knew and to help them find their way. Have you decided yet about a tree for this Christmas? We (Davis and I) have put up some outside lights, and will be doing the tree sometime this weekend. I did make a memorial for both of them, with putting white lights all over the birch tree twig cross that we still have from young Mike's services (got the idea to put lights on it from Lorri, actually). Damon was here today and when I showed it to him, he thought it was "awesome." Cathi and Jamie will come to help with the tree, and Mike's middle boy, Kam will be here, too. I will save a few ornaments for Damon to put up when he is here again on Thursday, my day to pick him up at school. Tears will fall, but the memories are blessings that we are so thankful for, even though right now they do tend to induce sadness more often than the joy I know they will bring later. We have seen many signs from Mike still, and hubby, too. We've seen some things that have come in "twos," like Davis had asked us about early on. Sometimes we will see a heart within a heart, or two flowers together of a particular type. Or we will see both a yellow and a red punchbuggy close together. I was looking for a Christmas ornament online (memorial type) the other day, and clicked open a site, and right away, a ceramic circle, with TWO dragonflies on one side and the other side for the inscription. I smile while tears fall.

SHERRY: So glad to hear that you have a new kitty, and I too love the name Jade for it, especially with the green eyes. I know it can be very hard to get a new pet when one we had for so long has died. I hope you have fun with it. They can certainly be rambunctious around a Christmas tree, for sure! I am glad you are going to have the little ones, they are sure mood-brighteners, aren't they?

BETTY: Good to see Stephen's sweet face, and to hear from you. thanks, too, for the reminder for the Candle Lighting on Sunday. I got a really nice lantern last year that I will put the candle in so the wind won't blow it out. Isn't it lucky that I got two of them...(sarcasm here, sorry). I want to put one out for hubby, as well. I know it is a candle lighting for children, but he was my "baby" too. thank you, also for the prayers and good thoughts and the candles you light for our angels.

KATE: How are you doing, and how is your husband? I imagine the cold and snow have settled in up there for good now. Although, with the weird, warmish weather we are having, perhaps you are having some of the same? Do you have particular plans for Christmas and/or decorations? You may have already posted about it, but I don't recall seeing it.

MANNY: I am so sorry for the pain you are having over your loss of Christopher. I like the idea that you tell him every morning and night that you love him. I believe that he hears you. I talk out loud to my husband often, and have often spoken out loud to our son. I do believe they are together, waiting for me. And, oh yes, the pain does strike out of no where sometimes and can be debilitating.

LOUISE: I looked with interest at your question about how long we would like to receive cards for our children's birthdays, etc. I think that while it would be very nice, without a time limit, most of us don't have much knowledge about it, because we do find that not many even want to speak to us of our child, let alone remember them in writing. It is so very sad that we aren't taught more about dying and grieving while growing up. I know that DEE teaches the children in her class about dying and how loss effects us, and how it is healthy to express it and to remember. This is good, because I think we tend to grow up oblivious of it until it happens to us and brings us to our knees in pain.

COLLEEN: I think it is so good of you to come on and help with the new people here. It is a long, painful journey, with many different tentacles for each of us. I know that sharing your own journey from hours of grief and pain to finding your way towards healing has helped me many times and I thank you for that.

Well, I have been writing this post now for a couple of days, so I could remember everyone and speak to you all. I know it is lengthy, but that's what happens when I don't post. Actually, it happens even when I DO post, as most of you already know! I am just not a woman of few words, I guess.

My love to all of you, and you all are in my thoughts and prayers, always. I don't know what I would do if I could not come here and read and share. I thank you all for accepting my posts about my new grieving, and allowing me to walk this new journey with all of you. You are all such a tremendous support.

love to you all,

[dsmurph]

Thank You Mikesmomrs...

[ericasmom]

Carol you astound me for your ability to address so many so personally. So nice to see you today, I miss your presence but fully understand your need to tend to things and to take in the newness of it all.I only wish that a measure of peace could be found among the days...I send thoughts to you throughout the day and each night, for healing.

YEs I findished shopping with my class, brought all of the gifts to the drop off yesterday over my lunch break. Three bags full. I also shopped by myself for (I spent 720.00 of ERi Fund money) and I had such fun shopping. I met the mom of one of the families today as she cam to pick the gifts up. We hugged our appreciaton into one another, I got choked up no surprises there hu? I appreciated her being able to help her, her willingness to reach out for the sake of her boys and she, her appreciation that the Eri fund existed for her family. The other family has two girls and loves sparkle so you know that was fun for me.

Life is a myriad of happnenings, all of them leading us to this day and I am thankful for having you all in my heart.

[Guest]

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[briansdad]

Here is a short video from the candlelight at our Angel of Hope

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N5VmEcWqAFc&list=UUF64NcRLHGeLFAFaJKScQwQ&index=1

[daveydow1]

Dee-----So good---all the work that your class is doing for charity.

We have not yet settled in with a name for the kitty.....since she's

gray, we also have tossed around "Misty" for a name. She's a

little devil when she wants to be......but oh so cute ! I guess you're

right in saying that this site is rather quiet at this time, and that

many hearts are so heavy and sad.....especially those who will have

to go through their 'first' holidays without their beloved children,

and it is so understandable to just step back some. The holidays

can be a real trial, I know. Sending prayers to all.

Lora-----I agree----cats (or any pets, really) can be so much comfort.

What are your kitties' names? What are their colors? You are

very smart to not think too far ahead, and just wait til Christmas

gets here. Sometimes, I guess too much thinking into the future

can cause anxiety to set in on us, and just waiting til the day comes

can help, because often...the advance worrying can be more stressful

than the actual day. So nice you decorate for dear Cara. She must

be smiling down from above. Peace to you.

Carol-----so good to see your post, and Mike's nice smile. My heart

goes out to you this holiday season as you deal with the heartache of

double loss.....Mike, and Ralph. I'm glad that you can have your family

around you to help ease the pain. Thanks for the reminder of the

candle-lighting Sunday, and I think it is so nice that you will put the

two candle lanterns out....one for Mike; and one for Ralph---they'll be

looking down & smiling..... Christmas in heaven. There was a recent

memoriam published in the newspaper, and at the end of the verse,

it said ------"HEAVEN'S MOST- WANTED". I'd never seen it put quite

like that before, but I think all our angels fit the description, don't you?

Wishing peace & comfort to you, dear friend, at this difficult time.

Missing our dear friend Kate.......hope she can get the computer problems

sorted out, and come back on BI soon.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

Sherry, tell Misty Jade Diablo that we are happy that he gives you joy. Feels a bit more tlike winter might come but just missing the temps that would bring snow rather than rain. The weather change is playing havoc on the kids colds, they began to sneeze all over again. Sherry shopping for the families brings me so much warmth in my heart, making sense of the holidays for me. The kids all talked about how important this felt to them-that they know that they are making a positive difference in the lives of kids.

Lora, I will try to contact Kate this weekend, I don't know if Konnie got a hold of her or not when she contacted me to say she could not access the site again.

Greg thanks for the clip you sent. Powerful to be with so many also holding candles.

[Guest]

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[ericasmom]

Lora, we once had a cat, he was Eri's kitty and named by her, named Stormy. Black and white like a storm cloud according to a 6 year old Eri. We had him for 16 years. His brother was Bullet, yes, named by my Son.

Sleep deeply All. Peaceful thoughts.

[justinlsmom]

Bad night, life sucks.... how do we do this, the pain never goes away! first night alone, i hate this.

[aim630]

Double post