Loss of an Adult Child

[crystalann]

Happy Birthday Erica!

[lostwoher]

Happy Birthday Tink!

[Guest msnher]

HAPPY BELLY BUTTON DAY, ERICA!

[mysonrich]

Dee, Indigo's, a new album you may like.

http://www.npr.org/2...iful-or-so-what

Heading to Florida tomorrow.

Betty, thank you.

[charsng1234]

happy birthday erica....

[2 Angels in Heaven]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ERICA!

[Crystal Rogerson]

Happy Birthday Erica!! Dee...loved your birth story of your baby girl. Wishing all of you well. Have so much to say but don't want to take away from Erica's special day so I will post tomorrow.

Love and Light to all

Crystal (Megs mom)

[dwsmithrn]

hi indigos....have had a rough few days...feeling somewhat better today....my mom thinks i cry too much...boo hiss...too bad...i miss my nathan....i can't help the crying....i had a visit from my sister on thursday, that went well. she didn't say anything that upset me, we just sat and talked....i said what i needed to, cried when i needed to, she cried with me....it went ok. friday, was 10 weeks. the worst day of the week. i keep trying to have fridays taken off the calendar, but my efforts are ignored. saturday, my husband took me for a ride in the country...beautiful things blooming...70 degrees and sunny. it was nice to just be....and see....we stopped at a burger joint and ate in the car....we had our little chihuahua with us and we had a nice time together. i'm glad we went... yesterday, i felt sad, and again, i talked to nathan and asked him 'why?'....he refuses to answer me. i haven't dreamed of him, even when i do sleep, i can't see him in my dreams. when i close my eyes, i see a sad face and what he did, but i don't see my happy nathan. i read the book "heaven is for real" and it is an ok book... i want to believe that nathan is there, happy and safe and free of pain....but, i want to see him, too. i guess that is where selfish comes in....i am, i want him here, with me. i miss him too much....where did i go wrong, what did i miss, why couldn't i help him? too many unanswered questions plague my mind. i am haunted by these.

i see my dr. again today, for wt. check, BP check, and make sure i am sleeping and eating a bit better. i'm sure all is fine. not worried, just want to be left alone, i guess. i hate this, i hate being here, i hate this 'journey'....it sucks.

happy birthday, erica.

happy day to those who can find a happy in today......diane

[2 Angels in Heaven]

I worked all last week and the weekend, it was exhausting! I didn't have much time to think about anything other then work and the necessities of life. I stayed up late last night and read all the posts. But, then I was to tired to write anything. Now today, I've forgotten everything I wanted to respond to!

I am thinking of all of you, and want you to know you are all in my thoughts.... daily! Your stories are fun, encouraging and insightful. For those of you that have been on BI a long time and continue to write, share your wisdom and welcome us new members, I THANK YOU! I think it's fantastic that you hold this forum together and you've developed lasting relationships amongst your selves.

[daveydow1]

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY, SWEET ERI.

Diane----Crying is a necessary thing on this lousy road we're on. So good that you had a

visit with your sister. Peace & comfort, friend.

Dee----Your sketching and collage work sounds so nice. I find that artwork is good therapy

for an aching heart....also writing. You'd be a great children's author.

Nothing else to add today------I'm in one of those 'black hole' places....Sigh.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Crystal16]

Happy Birthday ERI.....

[andy88]

Happy Birthday Erica!!!

Wishing you all a little ray of sunshine today. Don't have time to write much else right now, but wanted to say hello.

With love,

[rlolheiser]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ERICA!!! shining brightly with our angels singing loud.. dancing.. laughing... watching over mom with so much pride

and love..... Thinking of you DEE... with all my heart!

[rlolheiser]

I am still around.. been living at the hospital and clinics lately. Between mom and my grandson it seems not a lot of time for anything extra.

I read over 8 pages of posts and my mind just isn't grasping.. I remember bits and pieces.. somebody's post made me think of a coment my son made to me this weekend. He told his dad to give me a day off... mom does to much for everybody else... lets just have her do things for us today, meaning not for grandma, my daughter or the 2 grands... It made me laugh.. but also made me sad... I know my time is being stolen from him.. I look forward to summer when the other chidren can go visiting.. and pray my daughter finds a job and moves.. I just can't kick her out... :-) silly me

Anyway.. I am tired as usual.. but still here thinking of you all... not a day goes by that I am not here in spirit.. praying and hoping for peace for all of us

hugs

[Crystal16]

Hello all,

Yesterday was Ashlee’s seven month anniversary. Scott the gentlemen I’ve been blessed to have in my life planned something special for the kids and I yesterday morning. He woke us up early to see the sun rise on Sanibel Island while we danced and sang Ashlee’s favorite song Chicken Fry. Then we read a couple passages in the daily devotional books he bought along with a beautiful reef of rainbow roses that we let go in the Gulf of Mexico that symbolized her life and freedom.

My heart aches for all the news moms here I come to read a lot and add what little encouragement I can give. Hugs to all you are in my prayers and thoughts daily.

[Crystal16]

The kids and I at Sanible Island...

[shorty16]

Happy Heavenly Birthday Erica!!!!Love to you Dee

Colleen

[2 Angels in Heaven]

"THE PROMISE"

When Vanessa was about Two years old I started a game with her where I would say, "Promise Mommy, you will never move to far from home when you grow up". She would respond "I Promise Mommy"! As she grew, I would remind her of her promise and she would laugh and say "I still Promise"! When the early tween years hit I had to expand my "never move to far from home" to "Promise, you will always live in the county limits" She promised. Mid to later teens, as she started looking at colleges, I had to expand my limits to the "Tri-County". I figured one hour in either direction would be okay, besides we have fantastic colleges all around us why would she want to go any place else? As usual, she laughed and said "I Promise MOM" and I love you too! Then she chose to go to college THREE HOURS north of us! In Orlando, Fl. I teased her saying "You Promised" you would never move to far! She laughed and said, I know Mom....... But, It's the only college other then in NY that offers the education I need, to do what I want to do in my life. So, I said okay..... BUT, "Promise me you will never leave the STATE OF FLORIDA!" She laughed and promised! (She knew I would never really hold her back) Besides, we travel to Orlando a lot, we love the theme parks. Then after graduating college she bought a house in Orlando, starting her career and adult life. Then one day she comes home and said, MOM, DON'T FREAK OUT YET but, I have a job offer in CA! She explained, she still wasn't sure and was going to take two weeks to travel there and make sure it's legitimate and make sure she can find housing and afford to make the move. Besides she told me, it's doing what I went to college to do. This was her Dream! To work in the Movie, TV industry. It was a great opportunity for her! Next thing I know, she goes home rents her house, packs her stuff then comes to tell me she's moving to California! I'm sure you can guess what I said......."But, you promised to never leave the state of Fl." This time she didn't laugh, she was serious and said "Mom, I know I've promised you a lot of things in my life and haven't always held up my end of the promises. But, I really promise you everything will be alright, I love you!" She said, We can talk on the phone all the time, have video chats and I will fly home often and will be home for every Holiday..... I promise! Well, I said..... "Promise me when it's time to get married and have children you will move back home because I don't want to be a long distance grandmother!" Besides I said, you are smart and talented. You will do wonderful in your career, make a lot of money and be able to have two homes one here and one there. You'll be able to travel back and forth for work. I also said, promise me you will make this your home place, leave the grandchildren with me when you have to fly there for work. She said, I wouldn't want anyone else to watch my children but you. "I Promise, unless I make a lot of money buy you a house and move you to me!!!" I gave her that motherly look, She laughed and said "I won't break this promise, I swear!"

She kept her promises! We talked on the phone all the time, she flew home often and was home for every Birthday, Mothers day, and all Holidays! She was successful in her career. She worked on movies, T/V, and was producing two documentaries when she died. She also had her own Photography company and was a very desired photographer by many! Photography, Writing, Producing, Working in the T/V, Movie production field were her passion from a very young age. I kinda think she was born to do what she did. She Followed her Dreams! She was a driven soul, never wavering to far from the path she set for herself.

She was in the process of keeping her biggest promise by moving back home. She explained to me, how much she missed her family and was ready to move on to the next phase of her life. By getting married and having children. She had saved enough money to move home get a house and open a photography studio here "Not to far from home" as Promised! She died February 5th just 25 day's short of her moving home to be with her family and me. The Promises from her are over. She is with me and will never be to far away.

Tomorrow will be eight weeks from when I got the worse news of my life, My baby died!............ My Nessa!

[mikesmomrs]

Lori: tears fell as I read of your "Promise" story...I am so glad that your sweet Vanessa was able to realize her dreams and that you and she stayed close even though she was so far away physically. Thank you for sharing this story...I am sure it is but one of a great many that you have about your precious daughter...

Crystal: Your friend, Scott, seems to really "get it" for you and your need for honoring your sweet Ashlee and allowing you to grieve for her. Thank you for sharing the picture of you and the kids...and the beautiful rose wreath...your kids are beautiful!

Diane: I am so glad that you got to go out with your husband and relax for the day and that you were able to enjoy it...returning to home and the thoughts and questions that plague you is a part of this journey, unfortunately, but I am so happy for you that you were given those hours of peace.

Betsy: Have a safe trip to Florida...and a good visit...I am so sorry for the sorrow that is there, and hope that the connection of family that you love will help all of you.

[mikesmomrs]

ERICA...ERICA EILEEN...ERI...ERz...TINK...no matter the name spoken, the thoughts are the same...a beautiful, wonderful, awesome child, such a gift to all of you and the world, Dee...I know Eri is celebrating her birthday with all of our angels, and she is likely leading the band in music, fun and love! Eri, surround your mom with your beautiful spirit, sweet child, and let her know that you are with her, as always! Dee: sending love and wishes for wonderful, peace-filled memories to fill your beautiful soul in celebration of this precious child. I hope the weather was good for the tree decorating today!

[westleysmom]

Happy Heavenly Birthday, ERICA EILEEN!

Dee-What beautiful memories you have of your special pink girl Erica. I hope that you're not having the horrible rain that we are and get to decorate the park as planned.

[Brendan's Daddy]

Hi my name is Tony and I am Brendan's daddy. I know my son was not an adult, however this seems to be where most people are active on this site. I feel like I need people more than ever. My 7 year old son Brendan died in a terrible accident on December 4th of 2010. My son, shadow and best buddy has been gone for four months today. I can't believe I have made it this long without him. There are times when I just want to join him. I am living this life now because I have to, not because I want to. I know I have a wife and another son that I need to live for. I just don't know how to be there for them when I am completely broken inside. I only look forward to one thing each day and that is when 8:30 rolls around so I can take my pill and fall asleep. Then morning comes and I start the same thing all over again. How do you go on missing somebody so much. He was only 7 and it was my job to protect him. I let my son down and I miss him so much. He was everything I ever wanted or needed in life. I just don't know if I can make it through this.

[hotrod]

Hello Tony

I am so sorry to read of the loss of your precious son, Brendan. You have found a haven for your sadness and grief Here we do understand as few others can. We too have experienced the dreadful unspeakable pain of losing a child. I found the Indigo form nearly 3 years ago after the passing of my adult son Stephen. Nothing held any meaning!! I too was going thru the motions and living just to get this life over. Coming here, posting when I could, sharing little stories about Stephen, posting his picture in the gallery all kept me focused and busy doing some constructive actions. Slowly, the massive pain began to shift and become softer , easier to bear. I believe and know I will forever miss Stephen, as we all will but together we can stand up and move forward carrying their sweet memories forever in our hearts

Please keep coming back

[Guest msnher]

Tony - I offer you the saddest of welcomes. You have come to the right place to find support and unconditional acceptance. There are other parents on this site who have lost their child when they were younger, like Brendon. I lost my adult daughter on 8-9-09. She left behind three young children whom my husband and I are raising. When you are able I hope you share more of yourself and Brendon with us. How old is your other child?

Crystal (Meg's mom) - There is plenty of room here to send our love and light to Dee and Erica and read your words, too. It doesn't take from anyone. Your words add to us, collectively. Please share freely.

Diane - I'm not sure if you ever find answers to the questions that plague your mind, but I do believe you will be able to make peace (or at least issue a cease fire) with them. I'm glad you were able to enjoy some time with your husband. I've visited Raleigh N.C. and it's a beautiful area. First time I ever saw a steel magnolia tree. I didn't know they were trees. Flowers everywhere.

Lori - I have more time than you on this journey and I still can't remember what I read. I think when our child dies a lot of our brain cells went with them. You lost two so it's amazing you're able to remember your own name. I hope being around supportive people at work is beneficial to you. How's hubby doing with your grief? Is he adjusting some? I love the Promise story of you and Vanessa. This may be of little comfort to you but she's very close to you still, even though you can't see or feel her. "I'm keeping my promise, Mom."

Sherry - I'm sorry you find yourself in a black hole today. You are always trying to uplift everyone else that I guess it's about time for you to be a little downhearted yourself. Prayers and hugs!

Leah - You remain on the top of my prayer list. I don't even know what else to say.

Crystal (Ashlee's mom) - I saw the pictures you posted on FB. Very nice, indeed. Scott sounds like a real keeper.

Dee, Carol, Colleen, Rhonda, Karen, Sharon, Crystal (Tyler's mom), Greg, Dan, Trudi, Betsy, Betty, Pam, Beth and ALL Indigo's....Sending love and light!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[JeremiahDomanoski]

Tony - I offer you the saddest of welcomes. You have come to the right place to find support and unconditional acceptance. There are other parents on this site who have lost their child when they were younger, like Brendon. I lost my adult daughter on 8-9-09. She left behind three young children whom my husband and I are raising. When you are able I hope you share more of yourself and Brendon with us. How old is your other child?

Crystal (Meg's mom) - There is plenty of room here to send our love and light to Dee and Erica and read your words, too. It doesn't take from anyone. Your words add to us, collectively. Please share freely.

Diane - I'm not sure if you ever find answers to the questions that plague your mind, but I do believe you will be able to make peace (or at least issue a cease fire) with them. I'm glad you were able to enjoy some time with your husband. I've visited Raleigh N.C. and it's a beautiful area. First time I ever saw a steel magnolia tree. I didn't know they were trees. Flowers everywhere.

Lori - I have more time than you on this journey and I still can't remember what I read. I think when our child dies a lot of our brain cells went with them. You lost two so it's amazing you're able to remember your own name. I hope being around supportive people at work is beneficial to you. How's hubby doing with your grief? Is he adjusting some? I love the Promise story of you and Vanessa. This may be of little comfort to you but she's very close to you still, even though you can't see or feel her. "I'm keeping my promise, Mom."

Sherry - I'm sorry you find yourself in a black hole today. You are always trying to uplift everyone else that I guess it's about time for you to be a little downhearted yourself. Prayers and hugs!

Leah - You remain on the top of my prayer list. I don't even know what else to say.

Crystal (Ashlee's mom) - I saw the pictures you posted on FB. Very nice, indeed. Scott sounds like a real keeper.

Dee, Carol, Colleen, Rhonda, Karen, Sharon, Crystal (Tyler's mom), Greg, Dan, Trudi, Betsy, Betty, Pam, Beth and ALL Indigo's....Sending love and light!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[JeremiahDomanoski]

HI THERE SOME DAYS ARE BETTER SOME ARE NOT SOME TYMES ITS JUST TYME PASSING. I THOUGHT THIS WOULD HELP I KNOW IT WILL I JUST NEED HOW TO NAVIGATE . HOW DO I POST WHAT HAPPEN TO MY SON ?

[Guest msnher]

Hi Phyllis! You can post it in reply and tell us all about Jeremiah and the way he died and more importantly the way he lived...if that's what you meant. Or, you go to your account settings and put it in your profile. I hope to see pictures of him soon!

Love you my friend!

Susannah

[kmb22]

Happy Heavenly Birthday Erica!!!

Dee, May your precious girl wrap you in her love today and always.

[Brendan's Daddy]

Thank you to all of you for allowing me to talk about my precious son. Brendan passed away on December 4, 2010 in a terrible snowmobile accident. I had just dropped him off from basketball camp. I had a meeting to go to and told him I would be home in an hour. When I left he was in the driveway shoveling snow with his mommy and little brother Jackson who is 5. Around 15 minutes later I received that dreaded phone call that all parents fear. My wife called telling me that Brendan was in a snowmobile accident. I said what do you mean he was in snowmobile accident? We don't even own a snowmobile. Well my neighbor bought one and Brendan ran over to see it. He asked for a ride. My neighbor put him on the front and said he was going to drive him to our house to get his helmet. When he put Brendan on the front Brendan's hand accidentally hit the throttle and the machine took off. My neighbor tried to turn the snowmobile and it flipped over onto my son. They took him to the hospital where i was waiting for them. I was on the phone with my wife who was in the ambulance with Brendan. She told me he was talking and moving his arms and legs. She said this as they pulled into the ER. I told her to hang up and be with Brendan and that I would be waiting at the ER. Well in the 30 seconds from hanging up the phone and the ambulance getting to me my son took his last breath. I remember them opening the ambulance door saying he is not breathing he is not breathing. I remember looking at him with a terrible feeling in my stomach. They worked on my son for around 40 minutes, but he never took another breath. He was bleeding internally and had serious injuries to his little heart, liver and stomach. My perfect, healthy 7 year old son died and I wasn't around to help him or say goodbye.

Brendan was one of those little boys that makes everybody smile. Everything came easy for him. He was my shadow and my best friend. Where daddy went, Brendan went. I am a Park and Recreation Director and a High School boys basketball coach. He followed me to ever park, every game and most practices. I coached his baseball and flag football teams. He dressed like me and wanted to wear whatever shirt daddy wore. He was the bat boy of my softball team and the assistant coach of my basketball team. Everybody says he was the peacemaker for all his friends. The one that brought everybody together. He did great in school and loved to do pretty much everything. Everything I do now reminds me of him because we did everything together. I would take him places and just walk around holding his hand. I was and am so proud of him. He was the best big brother in to his little brother Jackson. Jackson is only 5 and he is developmentally delayed. Brendan was always there to protect and look after his brother. Now Jackson is lost. He can't understand where Brendan is and why he isn't coming back. He can't understand why mommy and daddy are so sad all the time. Brendan just made everybody happy. Now that he is gone I feel like I don't know how to be happy anymore. I am tired all the time and all I want to do is cry or sleep. I am trying so hard to be a good daddy to Jackson, but I am so depressed that I feel like I am letting everybody down. I just don't know how to live without my Brendan. Baseball season is here and Brewer season has started. We had so much fun at games last year. I just don't know if I will ever be able to go without him.

I just miss my son so badly. I need to know that he is safe and ok. It is not good enough to believe that he is ok. I need to know it. My faith has been shaken by this loss and I need to find a way to get it back.

Thanks for listening

Tony - Brendan's Daddy

[daniellemom]

Happy Birthday Eri!!! I'm saying her name loud and proud!

Dee, May you have wonderful memories today and everyday of your little Tink! I think about you all so much. Sorry I have not been posting lately. Work is over whelming right now.

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[Guest msnher]

Tony - My heart ached while reading Brendon's story. Knowing what the outcome was going to be but hoping against hope that by some miracle he breathed again. Irrational, I know, but nothing about losing a child is rational. Jackson is 5 and developmentally challenged. Oh, what a very blessed little boy you have there. Five is such a magic age and if he is also "challenged" (I hate that word) then he is also more mature spiritually. Watch him closely. He will reveal Brendon to you. I'm not a gambling woman, but I would bet money that Little Jackson has already seen Brendon.

As your sorrow, your grief....I'm so sorry! There is no way through grief, but through....and the ride is horrendous! My daughter's death has been the most painful experience of my life (thus far) and it has also been the most spiritual. I spent many months - even a full year - mad at God, not believing in Him and cursing him. It wasn't so much that he took (or received) my Stephanie...it was that He could allow this to happen to her children after all they had already been through. At four months crying and not being able to function is normal. The shock of Brendon's horrible death is wearing off and reality is setting in. No matter what we believe happens after this life the fact is our child is no longer here, in the flesh, with us.

It is like learning how to swim in quicksand. But we do learn, Tony. We never get over it, but it will get softer. But not yet. It's too early for you yet. Hold on....the ride is bumpy, but we are here to help you through.

How is your wife doing with all this?

Peace,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[mikesmomrs]

Sonya: So good to see beautiful Danielle's bright smile, and to hear from you...I am sorry that work is taking over for you right now.

Sherry: I meant to mention earlier that I was sorry to hear that you are down right now...I hope that the coming spring will brighten your soul and lighten your heart. You are always here, comforting others, and now we offer comfort to you, my friend.

Jeremiah's mom: Phyllis: I am so sorry about the loss of your sweet son, Jeremiah. I am glad, however, that you have found BI, as this will be a huge help in your grief journey...you are welcomed here with love, comfort, understanding and the offerings of wisdom from those who have been walking this road for a while. Please tell us about your son when you are able...share his life with us...we love to hear about our angels.

Leah: good to see pretty JaBoa's sweet face...so sorry to hear that you are having so much going on...your little one's comment was so cute and so liek a child, who only sees the immediate need. Sending prayers and love to you.

Tony: I am so very sorry, also, about the loss of your precious son, Brendan. Tears fell as I read your account of the day that Brendan left this physical world. I, and all others here, truly understand your "need to know" where he is, and is he okay. I found myself driving to work, screaming out loud those same questions, until I was hoarse from all the crying and screaming. Brendan sounds like such a wonderful little boy, and we know that you miss him terribly, we also know about the sadness, the overwhelming feelings that consume us and the shock and disbelief that you feel. Please come and tell us more about your sweet boy, when you can. You have found a place of comfort, understanding, and love to help your soul and your heart to heal. We know what it is like to have those same things come around again, such as baseball season, and not have your sidekick there to share them with you. It is painful, but in time you will see these differently...it is too soon for you right now, the pain is too raw and piercing. Take your time...this healing process is yours alone, in your own time.

Lorri: I hope you are having a good time with your mom and Kimmy in San Antonio!

A few days ago, I posted that we had a situation going on in our family that was troubling (heartbreaking, actually, in fact) but did not want to post about it yet. The main reason I didn't want to post about it was that we had no confirmation yet, and I did not want to cause undue concern should it turn out to be okay. Well, I can tell you all now that the situation was that it was suspected that Ralph's cancer had come back, had metastasized into his spine. Our world was shaken, as I am sure you all can understand. It has been a harrowing week, and we did learn today that his cancer has NOT metastasized, and that his spine problems are problems with his spine and nothing else. He has a "crummy" spine, to quote the doctor...as in he has a lot of spinal stenosis, and decompression of discs. Since the spine and lungs are the first place that kidney cancer does spread to, the problems with his back were quite worrisome and tests needed to be done to rule it out. We have the results back of the MRI that was done this past Saturday, as well as some other tests they did, and they have said there is no sign of the spread of cancer. I cannot tell you how relieved we are. Ralph and I will be married for 47 years this month (the 26th), and it is as though when I can't breathe, he breathes for me, and vice versa...I know that 47 years is a long time, but my heart tells me that no length of time will ever be enough...living without our son has brought us even closer together, and thinking of Ralph not being here has been torture in my brain; immeasurable pain in my heart. My heart is steady now, and I feel once again the blessed gift of yet another reprieve. (he has been seriously ill a few times since Mike died, and each time is a torturous period when the worries take over, like it or not.) I know that all of you would have been praying, sending love and good thoughts, but I just didn't want to burden any of you with this worry until we knew something for sure. I know that we are all in each other's thoughts all the time, and so I held that close in my heart for strength.

love to all of you in our BI family...you are my strength.

[aim630]

Happy Heavenly Birthday, Erica!!!

Amy/Ashley's mom

[daveydow1]

Tony------I'm so very sorry for your loss of your dear little son, Brendan, in a snowmobile accident. The 4 month

mark is so very early on in this journey. I can hear & feel the devastating pain you are in, and I understand. Such

a darling age......7 yrs. old. Please come back to this site.......we're always active here, and anyone who has lost

a child......any age.....is welcome to be here. We've had parents who lost children at ages from infants on up to

adults, and understand the sorrow that goes along with the terrible loss of a child. My heart goes out to you, Tony.

Leah-----Good to see JaBoa's smiling little face. You have a lot to deal with, and I am praying hard that things

will get better for you, and that your dear mom will improve. Also, hoping the kids are doing well. Peace to you, friend.

Sonya-----Also good to see Danielle's beaming smile. Such a beautiful girl. Hoping to see you here again soon...

we miss you.

Crystal-----Nice pic you posted......you all look so nice. So good of Scott to make plans for Ashlee's 7 mo. angelversary.

Oh, .......I can remember the 7 mo. mark......sigh......never easy. Casting the rose wreath into the Gulf in honor of

your sweet daughter was a nice memorial.

Lori------I had a lump in my throat as big as a baseball when I read your 'Promises' story of Vanessa. You are right......she

followed her dream, and she was so very successful. Your loss is just a devastation, and my heart goes out to you, friend.

Sus, and Carol------Thanks, friends, for your kind words. I'm feeling a bit better by this evening. It is cloudy, gloomy, rainy here.....

all morning & afternoon which matched my mood. My husband and I took a drive.......rain & all.... out into some country areas south

of here where I used to live as a kid......stopped for a quick snack at Taco Bell. It was at least warm out......60 degrees.....so

at least it wasn't cold out, as it has been lately. The 'black hole' day .......just one of those things we ALL know only too well on this road.

A GOOD NIGHT'S REST,........AND MAYBE A LITTLE DREAM OF OUR ANGELS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[aim630]

Carol-I'm so glad that Ralph's cancer had not come back. I understand your worry and fear.Your words have comforted me "You can't die mom, because I do." I feel like I let Ashley down, and am guilty because I am still here living & she can't anymore. Those words help me think that she wouldn't want me to feel this way.

Lori-I'm so glad that Vanessa got to live her dream. I know it had to be hard to let her move across the country, and heart-breaking that she was about ready to move home. She is keeping her promise though & is right there with you.

Tony-I'm so sorry for the loss of your son Brendan. I also cried while reading your story. I know you miss him very much & just want to know he's ok. That's the main thing I wanted to know about my daughter, Ashley. My faith was (and still is, sometimes) quite shaken. Several months after Ashley died, I had a dream of her & she told me she was ok, and that it was better where she was. It really felt like she was there. I hope you get some sign from Brendan that he is ok.You are still in the very early stages of grief. It does get softer after time. You never, ever forget, but you start living your life more in the moment, and smile with the memories rather than cry. I still cry a lot (it's been 14 months for me), but I am also able to smile and laugh occasionally.

Crystal (Ashlee's mom)-I am so glad you met Scott. He sounds like a wonderful man & is so good to you and your kids. I'm glad you are finding some happiness, even while missing Ashlee.

Dee-Thinking of you on this day as you remember Eri's birth, and the sweet memories of her life.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[dwsmithrn]

carol...i am so glad ralph is doing ok...and all test were good at this point....

tony...i am so sorry for your loss....losing a child is such a terrible, horrible devastating loss....no one will ever understand your shattered heart....we do here. we can only support you and help you by letting you speak what is on your mind, anything, anything at all. i am still in deep, deep heart-breaking, earth-shattering grief over the loss of my 32-y/o son. he was apparently so depressed, he took his own life. he his depression so well behind the most beautiful smile i have ever seen. he told no one of his pain...his best friend, my younger son, lived 5 miles from him, and he had not known of his pain...we all knew he had a 'little' down time off and on, but NEVER knew he was ever feeling like this. he had everything....except what he wanted most in life....a family of his own. he was so handsome, so smart, so caring and loving, had a good career, had, what everyone thought was 'everything', but there was just something missing for him.....i feel so much guilt....how could, I, his mother have missed this...i am his mother, i should have known...i should have protected him....i should have gotten to him before it had gotten this bad....i am in so much anguish over this. it hurts, hurts beyond any physical pain i have ever endured.

sorry about that, i tend to ramble on once i get going....please feel free to do the same..i think it helps to purge yourself of whatever seems to be on your mind....at least you can get it out.. we do not judge here, we do not critisize here...we are just here, not by choice, but because we have to be...it is not for fun, it is the worst reason in the world, but we can love and support each other....we can listen....we are here....

i hope all indigos are safe tonight....love, diane

[summergirl]

HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEET ERI....I KNOW THAT YOUR MOM FEELS YOUR ARMS AROUND HER. ALWAYS SAYING YOUR NAME OUT LOUD FOR ALL TO HEAR- ERI, ERICA, PINK GIRL, TINK AND ALL THE OTHER BEAUTIFUL NAMES THAT BELONG TO YOU......

[Guest msnher]

Yo. Laundry is done. Completely. Washed, dried, folded and put away - even ironed Gary's shirts. Second time since Stephanie died - 5 days shy of 20 months ago. I am woman, hear me roar.

[summergirl]

Tony - I welcome you to the most wonderful site there is but my heart breaks that you have had to find your self here. Reading of the loss of your precious Brenden makes the tears flow as all here know the heartache you are dealing with. Some of us have been here much longer then others and some are so very new to this journey of grief, saddness, pain and just trying to deal with breathing in and out each day. I am Kathy and we lost our only daughter Jessica 5 years ago from ARVD (sudden death), she was 26 and left behind a 4 year old son that my husband and I have full custody of, his name is Tavian and he is 9 now. You are so new on this road of loss and shock that it is hard to understand or comprehend that the day will come when you will live again, a different life but a life. I also know that the guilt you are feeling is horrible, we are supposed to protect our children, keep them from harm and safe in our arms - we all "wish" we could have "saved" our child but God has his plan - at least that is what I believe. One baby step at a time, one breath at a time and please come here as often as you want, we are all here to listen to you, help you as much as we can...you are safe here with us to say whatever you want. I would love to hear more of Brenden and also your sweet 5 year old when you can. You are in my prayers.

[Guest msnher]

Oh. I also got dressed today. Showered, hair, makeup, nice clothes...deoderant too. Went out in public without much anxiety. Me. I did it. By myself. Well....with 16 months of your help. But, I did it.

[Guest msnher]

One more....I packed the kid's lunches, vacuumed, dusted, fixed dinner, did dishes and mopped the kitchen floor. Yep. Sure did. In bed now. Not dying from grief. Just celebrating the accomplishment of a functional day.

Woo - Hoo for Ralph and Carol!!!!

[dwsmithrn]

sonya....i am from statesville, nc.....and pam, andy's mom is from raleigh....we are planning a lunch meeting someday, when we are feeling up to it...want to join us? i think it can only help to have friends around us that only 'we' know how we feel .....think about it and when the time is right, we will get together.....diane

[andy88]

Yes, Sonya, please join us! I think that would be great.

Diane, hang in there, hon!

[Crystal Rogerson]

Susannah- I'm so proud of you! You accomplished so much. I thought I was the only one who wasn't getting dressed or doing chores. You did a great job. Be proud of your self and keep up the good work.

Tony- We all know the pain you are going through. How it feels to think you will never be able to make it through another day without your child. But as everyone on here has proven to me, WE CAN MAKE IT!. i wish you speed to get you to the next day. Sleep and tears seem to be a standard for a long time. I am new on here but everyone has made me feel very welcome when no one else understands.

I want to address each of you individually but there is alot of catching up to do. and I don't want to ask any of you to repeat yourselves, so be patient with me and I will get to each of you. My heart is with you all.

Love & Light - Crystal (Meg's mom)

sonya....i am from statesville, nc.....and pam, andy's mom is from raleigh....we are planning a lunch meeting someday, when we are feeling up to it...want to join us? i think it can only help to have friends around us that only 'we' know how we feel .....think about it and when the time is right, we will get together.....diane

[andy88]

Susannah,

Good for you!!! Thanks for the smile

[nicksdad]

[quellsmom]

Happy Birthday Erica !

[westleysmom]

Tony-I'm so sorry, your story broke my heart. This site has helped me so much. My 20 year old son Westley died in his sleep last January, right before he would have turned 21. I don't understand any of our losses, sometimes I just have to go to bed and try so hard to sleep, even now after more than a year. There is so much support here, and nobody ever acts like I should be "over it" by now, whatever that means. I am sorry that you have joined the bereaved parents club and hope that coming here will help you too.

Sonya-Always a pleasure to see beautiful Danielle's smiling face. I hope you are doing okay.

Carol-That is such great news, well except that Ralph's back is hurting that bad! But I am so glad he has not had a recurrence. How are you doing? I hope the meds are all getting adjusted right for you. The visit was good with CJ, and he called me last night to be sure that I would come back next week. He only has 3 more weeks (hopefully) and he said that some other people told him they would come this weekend, but I'm still afraid they'll say that and not show up. So if they're there this time, I just won't spend as much time (only get 30 minutes total for up to 3 visitors) so he can visit with them. I think he's hurt that none of his friends have made the effort, and I don't blame him. It would hurt me, too, and that's why I've felt the need to go.

I know there were others I wanted to say something to, but have already lost this post once. Sweet dreams of our angels to all of you tonight.

[Guest msnher]

Interesting. Sucks, but interesting. Sitting in bed, watching Dancing with the stars, and a story/song comes on and all bets are off. There is a moment of numbness and I unknowingly hold my breath. My whole body deflates just as if someone let the air out of a balloon. Slowly I sink lower into the bed. A panic hits as I quickly change the channel. Too late. I changed the channel too late to avoid the knot in my throat, the tightness in my chest, the pain in my gut. Tears don't fall. I'm not stopping them on purpose. They're there, sitting just behind my eyes. Enough to moisten the rims of my eyelids, but they don't spill over. All that happens as I remember to exhale....breath in, deeply...exhale.

I marvel at the intensity and precision as if it had never left...never forgotten. I know differently as I wonder if I somehow failed or invited the sorrow back into my life, yet I can't help but wonder. And, there is the feeling of guilt. Guilt for ever feeling joy, happiness, humor, freedom..."Oh Stephanie, I'm so sorry" my thoughts race. The guilt lasts less than the time it takes for my lungs to remind my brain to breath.

"Oh." I say to myself with a bit of wonder as I recognize the discomfort I thought would never go away during those first months. "They've talked about this." I think of those of you who have been here longer than me. I know this will pass. I feel gratitude for the pain as it reminds me of the most powerful invasion of my soul on this side of life. A smile touches the corner of my lips as I blink back the moisture forming at the corner of my left eye. I never knew my eyes didn't tear in unison until Stephanie died. How cool is it that I honor my daughter's death through living fully, or at least as fully as I was capable today - knowing laundry, dressing, socializing (however minimal) qualifies as living when we become members of this club. The pain tonight seems an appropriate way to end my day...this day...a full circle of honoring my child.

I mumble a prayer of "thank you" to the Universe as I look at my daughter's picture..."I miss you, Stephanie." And, I rush to the people I know get it. The people who continue to amaze me, holding me up, encouraging me through. The people I so wish didn't belong to the same club I wish I didn't belong to...and, yet I'm so glad you're here.

Just like my day.

Grief is a contradiction of itself. Complete irony. Another deep breath. Share with my friends. The whole experience lasted a whole 30 minutes. I used to be grateful when I received a 30 minute reprieve from the pain. Is it going backwards....grief? Am I working back to the moment of joy when she joined me on this side of life - knowing the day will come when I join her on that side of life? Another cleansing breath...It only took nine months for me to see her tiny little body for the first time. It will take a bit longer for me to see her beautiful light bathed in pure love - to embrace her for the first time on that side of life.

Tomorrow I will get up and try again. I won't punish myself if I can't pull it off - I will honor what grief demands...as long as it harms no one.

Thanks for listening.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

OH My Goodness, what a big day, I just want to say thanks and hit the sack as I am pooped from way too little sleep last evening and a busy as can be birthday for ERI day today. Jon and Shannon left at 9:00 Pm came for dinner and hung out for some time which felt great. (Jon is my Son, Shannon is his fiance')

My students and I decorate d Eri's tree but before we did, some others did over the weekend. Turns out some former students and Carol, the mom of Eri's dear Susannah put pink ornaments on the tre e and bows. My students made shapes out of pink pipe cleaners and we painted some wood butterflies and put those out there as well. they tied ribbon onto the branches, the tree was exploding in PINK. A teacher now retired came and put pink tulips in the crook of the tree. It was lovely. Really dear. The rest of the school day was very busy as coming back from spring break is. After school I drove out to the cemetery and hung there for a bit with ERz. Put some flowers there with two more wood painted items, a bird adn a butterfly. It was too windy for the balloon. Oh well.

So then home and cooked for our family dinner. I made a rasberry torte last night for tonight's desert. So I have had no time to look at our site until now, three pages today! THANK you all for your very dear wishes for Eri's birthday. She would be 27 today, instead, always 19. I will however, always love her birthday.

Just quickly: Have so much to say but don't want to take away from Erica's special day so I will post tomorrow (cannot remember now who said this, so many posts today.)

No, don't ever hold back when you want or need to talk about your own grief or situation. There could be birthdays and angelversaries each day, so please speak up whenever you want, birthdays aside, we are here for you, for each other everyday.

Carol, hip hip hooray for your good news, ahhhh you can breathe whole breaths again. How lovely. Thanks for sharing.

To Tony, my heart to you in this deep pain you are feeling. Give yourself time as this is still new, it is both new and a lifetime all rolled into one. Hang on Tony, Brenden needs you to hang on here and learn how to breathe and live again. We will help you find your footing.

Phyllis, same to you, hang on as we are here to help you find your way. Let us know about your Child and about you.

I will write more tomorrow, i am too sleepy now, suffice it to say that I loved seeing everyone today, Quells Mom too, Leah, Sonya, and all those I dont get to see very often as well as all the folks I see daily or at least weekly, thank you.