Loss of an Adult Child

[Crystal16]

Danny Danny Dannysaying your name loudly have your spirit soar the skies today. I pray your family has peace today and God envelopes you.

[mikesmomrs]

Eryn: Paul's mom: I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son and grandson...as others have said, you have come to the right place, though all of us wish you had never had a need to look for us. You will find compassion, understanding, comfort and no judgment here...I lost my son, Mike, on Oct 14, 2006, to brain cancer. He was 31, and left behind three boys, who are now 6, 13 and 14. Please come and share your son (and grandson, if you wish) when you are ready, with us...we will be here.

Sus: thank you so much for sharing your dream with me. One of our neighbors, just a month or so after Mike died, came to me and told me that she had a dream of him, and felt truly that it was more of a "visit." Everyone was sitting on the lawn, cross-legged, smiling, and Mike was right there, with the very brightest smile...never said anything, just glowed. Another time a psychic told me that Mike was the "brightest" presence he'd ever felt. Many others have said he must be a very strong spirit, very present. So your description of the glowing certainly fits. Perhaps as he traveled through your dreams, it was to tell us that he walks with us through everything, always. We are going through a struggle right now (can't go into it yet), and it is difficult to meet each day with positive thoughts, but we must. I truly appreciate your taking the time to send this message to me. I will share it with my husband and daughters. I am sorry that your daughters couldn't make it there for their grandmother's funeral...I know that it would have been great for you to have seen them. I am also thinking of you as you go through this process, and Gary, too.

Trud: "Wounded on the job" sounds like an excellent way to describe your experience that day...I can't think of any other words that would fit, except maybe to add the word "forever."

Diane: your welcome to Eryn, Paul's mom, touched the depths of my soul...you have reached out this early in your own tragic sorrow, to comfort and welcome another...profound. Truly.

Thinking of all Indigos today...hoping you've all had a decent day...it has been sunny and warmer here today...the sun a welcome sight.

[mikesmomrs]

Danny....Danny......Danny...hold your mom and family closer today...fill the air that surrounds them with your sweet presence...you are loved and remembered, still, and always. If I remember right, red was Danny's favorite color...if I am wrong, well, his name deserves to be in bright colors...

[dwsmithrn]

carol, i only know how "i" feel, i don't presume to know how another feels...so, all i can do is try to just listen to someone else's story, just you all have done for me...sometimes just venting, talking, writing it down and passing it on to only those who know how difficult this horrific journey is. i am in as much pain and sorrow with every day that passes, so here i am, at least able to sit and cry with one, hold a virtual hand, and pay attention when someone's heart is aching, just like mine. it is too clear...harsh, painful, throbbing in the worst possible way....the mind never stops, whether it's right or wrong...it still runs 24/7...sleep is lousy and the stomach rejects food...the body aches as if you are physically ill, which grief does make you ill....

i am grateful for this idigo family....i am happy to be able to tell my most intimate feelings to you and not feel judged or criticized for any remark or feeling or word spoken....just what's on my mind at any given moment...'cause that is where i am, for now. and i thank you for that. what would i do? where would i be? how would i be breathing if not for you? i don't have a clue....so

thanks to all my new found friends...don't know how i would be here today without you....i say this with the utmost sincerity

diane

[westleysmom]

Danny-Remembering you and your family today.

[andy88]

Paul's Mom: I am terribly sorry for the loss of your beautiful son. I recently lost my only child, my 22-year-old son, Andy, to a drug overdose. He was the light of my life as I know Paul was to you. I can tell you from my brief time here, that this is a wonderful site, full of caring, compassionate people who understand what we have been through because they've been there too. We can say our children's names as often as we like, which is a very healing thing, at least for me. I hope you will come back often. We care.

Saying Danny's name today...

Danny Danny Danny Danny, a beautiful name.

I placed some yellow roses and a sweet little smiling angel statue on Andy's grave yesterday, which made me happy, and of course, made me cry in sadness as well. His headstone isn't ready yet, and it looked so bare. Now it looks better. I want the whole world to know he was loved beyond all imagination, my beautiful boy.

With love to all,

Pam/Andy's Mom

[ericasmom]

Pam and Diane, I think it is amazing to see you so early on this path offering a hand up to those just joined. I know you are speaking from your hearts and I celebrate the ability to do so at this early time. Part of what this site offers in the way of healing is when you find yourself offering help to those following you. I don't know that we have ever seen so many new names and stories to this site in so short a time, and I can't help but think that the words coming from the most recent members to the very newest must be encouraging to hear. It makes my heart warm to read your words today.

Pam, before Eri's stone was in and there were so few others on that space of the cemetery, i kept placing things that would help me find her. One day, the stone was there without the stone cutters phoning me and letting me know that it was going in. I went to the cemetery and fell to my knees to see my Girl's name and dates engraved in her stone. A heads-up would have been nice, but I was pleased with the way it turned out and I do find some solace in spending time there, not always, but sometimes. I like finding things there that her friends have left her.

Peace out all,

dee

[daveydow1]

Eryn-----I'm so sorry for your loss of your dear son, Paul. This site is a very good on.....(I've been here nearly 8 yrs.,,along

with Dee).....I have found this to be a lifeline. You can come and read/post anytime, and everyone knows the pain and

heartache you are in now. Please come back......We're here for you.

DANNY......DANNY.......DANNY Smile down on your family with all the love you have for them, and warm their hearts.

Carol----I'm so glad that Cathi is getting a new Dr. for Jamie. I hope that he is recovering from his bronchitis. Every time

I think of that rude/heartless Dr, I get mad all over again. As Diane said......that Dr. definitely should be reported to the

association she belongs to. It's amazing how these brutes get away with that dispicable behaviour.

Thanks for your kind words, and thanks for remembering my little dream of Lisa. It was just the tiniest dream, but I will

cherish it forever.

Pam---I'm sorry that you had to go back to work in only 3 wks. That is really very soon. While it may work for some, it

didn't help me at all. Too hard to be a "people person" with a smile after only a month or so for me. I, too, was pressured

to return. I would keep the false smile all day.....then when I got off work......the dam would just break, and I'd cry & cry.

I'm thinking about you, friend.

Dee-----Yep----I think we all,.....as parents would like to have a chance to go back & re-do things with our kids. I know I would.

Thoughts & prayers for your friend, and her dear husband who has cancer. May he respond to the treatments.

Diane------You are so right......those who have not gone through the loss of a child have no idea what they are saying, and that

their advice to "move on" ...."get back to your old life".....and other advice is just totally empty words to us. I, too, do not mind

being alone. In fact....I prefer it. I do have a husband.....who is Davey's natural father, and we are able to comfort each other

in ways,.....but I find that being alone with my thoughts and grief suits me.......or at least, I am used to it by now. For me-----

the road of grief is a lonely one......but that's the way it is for me. Yes,.....commercial ads, and just about anything else can

bring back those tears of sadness. Your dear son must have been a very smart and compassionate person. I do, also, under-

stand all the questions you have. You said it so well, about how your son did not always tell you everything, and that he would

not want to worry you if he had a problem. I felt the same about my son, David. He was a shy one, and I know he must have

had things bothering him that I didn't know about. I hope you will stick with us here at BI, because people here genuinely

care about each other, and understand, since we're all on the same raod, although at many different stages. We all try to

help each other. Peace to you, friend.

Betty-----Thanks for remembering my dream of Lisa. One dream in only decades, but I'll take it with joy.

Sus----You said it well, about guilt......that thing that rears its ugly head for us on this lousy road. There are no perfect kids.......

just as there are no perfect parents. We can only do our best, I guess,.....and try to reconcile ourselves to the mistakes we

have made in the past.

Peace & tranquility to all INDIGOS......especially all the parents who are new to this road.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[mikesmum]

Dee - there is a finality that we are unprepared for..seeing our babies names with dates and the dash.

Mikes death certificate did it for me. Apart from his partner correcting his surname to that of his birth father it was seeing that Date of death linked with the name Micheal Shane. I know a Micheal Shane. Couldn't be him, he's my son.

I remember standing in the Registry of Births Marriage and Deaths raging at the clerk that they got his name wrong..they needed to fix it NOW!! His step dad had adopted Mike and his siblings in 1982,

I was ushered to a quiet room where they explained that the next of kin..Amanda, had requested it be changed back. Ironically, given the adoption there was no birth certificate for a Micheal Main (my first married name). They don't cross reference.

After much huffing, puffing and explaining, the certificate was changed...up till then I thought, they have the wrong Micheal, his paperwork doesn't match.

I agree with Dee, those new here already show just how being in this band of Indigos gives you strength, compassion and understanding. To embrace another Indigo new to this journey is something those in the 'parallel' universe cannot grasp.

Peace, love and hugs my Indigo family...you truly are my inspiration to live in honour of my Micheal Shane.....

[lolynbo]

I REMEMBER "FLOATING" THRU THE HALLWAY LEAVING KOURTNEYS ROOM AND GLANCED DOWN AT THE CART WITH PAPERWORK ON IT, THE DEATH CERTIFICATE SAID "BRAIN CANCER IN HUGE ASSSSSSSSSSSS LETTERS SLOPPILY WRITTN AS IF IT WAS SOMETHING TO JUST JOT DOWN AND RUN OUT TO LUNCH...AND SHE WASNT EVEN GONE YET..

[lolynbo]

SAYING DANNYS NAME ...DANNY DANNY DANNY A BEAUTIFUL NAME FOR A BEAUTIFUL SOUL

[ericasmom]

Trudi, how crazy that at that point, that woman was already causing a rukus for you all, changing his name? How and why dare she do such a thing, if Micheal wanted his last name changed then fine, but really? Any old way, we found our footing and are still finding our footing, and yes,living our lives to honor our Children which I do believe gives them great joy. WE take them everywhere with us, and they do the same.

Lorri, that does really suck, to have the death certificate out on a cart before a patient is gone, with the disease written on it. WOW, that makes me sad and angry.

On a lighter note, there is a series of tv commercials with a young boy, maybe 13 or so, who cuts lawns, and he is not only funny, he reminds me of KODY at a younger age. Makes me smile/

HOpe everyone sleeps well tonight, I am still up because I drank coffee galore at 5:30 pm but am getting tired. Off to bed to read for a bit.

[Guest msnher]

Good morning, Indigo's;

warning: Reading my rambles may be hazardous to any functioning brain cells you have left.

I woke early this morning with each of you on my mind. I did something I rarely do...I actually knelt beside my bed and prayed. I rarely kneel because I am usually in a constant state of prayer. Not in a "I'm so spiritual" sense, in a I talk to my Creator constantly sense. That's what I believe prayer is. Communication with All that Is, The Great I Am, Pure Love. Expressing my thoughts, simple and/or complex. Asking questions and sometimes receiving answers. Well, always receiving answers. Not always liking and/or agreeing with the answers. There are a few "rituals" I go through every morning like a superstition...like closing my eyes and bowing my head asking that I be protected (mostly from myself), but I do that sitting, not kneeling.

I spent a lot of time on my knees ( or in the fetal position on the floor) begging God to either bring Stephanie back or help me through this or tell me why "he took her". The pleading of a broken heart. Trying to reconcile within myself how One I loved so dearly could not only cause me such pain, but could also allow these three precious children so much heartache.

Oh, these children! When they were virtually kidnapped from me I spent two full months sobbing. I had no idea where they were. I knew who they were with and that they were mistreated. There was no one left to turn to but my Creator. I had no legal rights. The authorities labeled me as a disgruntled grandmother and they weren't listening. Yes, I spent two full months crying out to God. I had had spiritual experiences before but nothing like I was about to experience one cold morning around 2am.

I sat outside, under what we then called the "redneck gazebo", which no longer exisits. It was a very cold February morning. I was bundled in my heavy coat and boots, smoking my cigarette, sobbing for my grandchildren, when I SAW it. The light. The bright light. We hear about it all the time and often roll our eyes. But, there it was, moving towards me in what was probably lightening speed, but seemed like slow motion. It grew in size as it floated closer towards me. My sobbing stopped as I watched in awe, wondering if I was hallucinating or imagining and thinking, "Really? A white light? It's real? Well, no one's going to ever bellieve THIS!" I didn't bother to wipe the tears from my wet cheeks. I don't know how to explain what happened other then to say "it" hugged me. Only it was more than a hug. The light seem to become part of me. It enveloped me.

I was overwhelmed with a sense of peace and love as I've never known before or since. No, that's not true. Micheal's visit was almost as powerful. But, on that February morning in 2008 I knew that "all is well".

It lasted just a few moments. But, it changed my life. It changed my prayer life. I had a knowing that we are all one. That we are all connected. I was secure in the love of my maker.

Twelve months later we would be notified by the state that they had my grandchildren and they had been severely abused.

THAT changed my life. THAT changed my prayer life. "You bathe me in the white light of your love while you allow my grandchildren to suffer such atrocities!? How dare you!? I'm an adult and can halfway protect myself. They are just innocent children who have no one to protect them! Take your love and shove it up your a$$!" I yelled...I accused...I hated.

I was on my way to reconciling my relationship with God when Stephanie died. Reconciling my relationship. That thought brings a chuckle to my heart. We are never really NOT reconciled. Not from Love's point of view. But, from MY point of view, Love could be damned.

When my daughter died it felt as if that white light was now a razor, slashing me from the inside out. And, yet, I could also feel it's healing power somewhere in the midst of it all. Stephanie's death was the most painful experience I've ever had in my life but it has also been the most spiritual. It has been like giving birth, minus the joy of having a baby to hold when it's over.

I'm growing tired of my rambling. The brain cells I have left have a short attention span.

I've had some powerful experiences since Stephanie's death. When they happen, often as they are occurring, I share them freely. I realize they are not life changing experiences for you...they are mine and they are just stories for you to listen to and ignore if you like.

Those experiences didn't take away the pain of my daughter's death. I was quite surprised by that fact. Being forced to walk through the rape of Grief has been quite a revealing experience in and of itself. I was quite arrogant...and more than a little ignorant.

As I laid in bed, trying to find sleep, the night my daughter died, I whispered, "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you! But, I need you."

How often I have screamed, "I CAN'T DO THIS!" during the past 19 1/2 months only to hear/feel the gentle whisper, "Yes you can."

It has been interesting, this journey through grief. This journey of getting closer to my Creator.

Anyway.....I got on my knees and prayed this morning. Not for God's sake. God doesn't need my humility. God doesn't need my love. God doesn't need my devotion. God is God whether I'm on speaking terms with him or not. I didn't even kneel for myself. Now, doesn't that send up a sound of arrogance!! No, I knelt for you.

Each of you. Trying to focus pure energy, love and light towards your broken hearts. Special focus for Carol and her family.

Okay, I'm getting on my own nerves and feel like gagging.

Peace.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[lostwoher]

Susannah, I love to read your writings. So sorry for the reason of it but you are excellent with the words you use. I am able to feel every emotion you describe. Im waiting for your book as well as Dee's.

[Crystal16]

Susannah,

Thanks for sharing your most inner emotions, fears, and love/anger for our Heavenly Father. I too struggle not as much now as to why God received my Ashlee so soon.

Love to all and I pray we are all enveloped in that light someday.

[crystalann]

Morning all, I hope everyone is ok! Well we had problems at my house night before last.I was here alone in the living room I heard a loud pop at the back door.Scared me no lights were on just candles. I got up and made my way towards the back door, the popping then got louder I knew what it was someone made it to my back door and let off a whole role of black cats firecrackers. Called Justin and Lucy told them and they came home , you could still smell the smoke outside. we were all standing in the kitchen and all the elec. shut down then right back on.So I called the cops they didnt know who i was had to tell them and had to tell them the gang people live 3 doors down. They said they had been watching their old house didnt know they moved.So yesterday I went and got all kinds of lights for the outside. So last night I was sleeping so good then I saw Tyler he was not wearing what he was before the red sweatshirt I last saw him in. This time it was white he had the biggest smile! The joy of seeing him was so strong and real it woke me up I could still feel that joy from head to toe. It was strange,but then I relized Im still in this night mare and cryed myself back to sleep.It seemed so real.Wish it was. I love you Tyler and miss you more every day!!! Thanks for being here to listen to me, Crystal

[Guest msnher]

Crystal (Tyler's mom) - It WAS real. Believe it. Cherish it. It will help you later.

Much love, Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[charsng1234]

I woke this morning not wanting to get out of bed, called out at work again dont seem to care! I know in my heart this is not living but I can not get it together. I do not see a future without shane in it. I see Susannah that you prayed today I have been thinking about going back to church again I need something I see a grief person but I dont think it is helping. I am trying to plan a baby shower for shanes son his name is going to joshua taylor,i thought it would help I think I am just getting worse. I feel like someone is jabbing my heart over and over again my lungs do not want to work for me. My whole body is screaming why did this have to happen he was so young? I dont know what to do anymore if I keep calling out they will fire me.I am trying somedays are just to hard!!! I need help Please send prayers my way today.. Thanks shanes mom...

[ericasmom]

Crystal, as Sus said, hang onto the warmth and the beauty of his smile, his dressed in white, his peace. It seems he is telling you that he is fine, he is beyond fine with that beautific smile he gave you. These are the visits that are given once in a great while that lets us know that they are more than fine. I want you to try to capture that warmth and hold it in your soul to let you breathe it in. Ihad a few of these dream visits over the years, and they do matter greatly.

[ericasmom]

OOPS, hit post before I was done...where is my head? Sharon, the pain is getting worse because it does that, it did for each of us and the reason is is that the shock is waring off. The shock of Shane's death is shedding itself, one layer at a time. You are only at 2 months now, a natural time for a layer to fall away and leave exposed the less protected parts of your ache. Knowing this won't stop it of course, but knowing this might put into perspective that this is part of it, and eventually, all of the shock will fall away in layers and you will be still be standing. You will have gone through the hardest pain in your life, but you will still be standing and you will find ways to live. Planning a shower by all accounts can be a sweet and wonderful thing to do, but to do it when you are grieving your own Son is very hard. One can't help but think of the tiny one you delivered so many years ago and now his Son. I think Sharon that you need to tell your counselor everything that you are feeling and see if anything can be done at work to hold your job but give you a month or so off. I know that most places won't entertain that idea, but maybe there is someone there that can mediate on your behalf. What kind of work are you involved with? Can you work from home at all? Can you be put on disability for a time?

I am a praying woman, standing, sitting, walking outside, teaching... prayers come out of me at all times of day and I am sending them on into the world for you and everyone struggling today.

[crystalann]

I do want to believe its like my heart will but my mind tells me its just me wanting to see him so badly. Ok here comes the tears. will just keep reading Crystal

[Guest msnher]

Sharon - What Dee said.

Yep. A praying woman. Every thought...every request...every response....prayers of the heart, sending light and love where it is needed. Yep, that's you all right! Tucking us all in with your love.

[dwsmithrn]

hi BI family/friends....did not get much sleep last night, but that's another story..maybe tonight will be better...i will keep trying....

thanks for all the sharing of stories and words that keep me coming back....sometimes i am just too sad to rad it all, and sometimes it does me good to just keep reading, but not post....today, i am sad and teary, but thought i would post a few words....just things on my mind....

life, oh yes, life around us, it moves on, at a very fast pace, while mine/ours, is a slow burnung inferno of pain and lack of desire to even notice what the outside world does or doesn't do. my lack of desire for the outside world is , of course, is drowned by my enormous pool of emotions of grief for nathan....it won't stop.....never ending...the pain, the hurt; physical and emotional. just never stops, won't give me a break....sometimes i have to remind myself to breathe. i feel like 'this is my new life' and i feel like there is nothing i can do about except to live it, as it is. is it harming me? i don't know, but i don't think so...i think i just have to get through some stages of it and hope i come out on the other...may not be the person i once was, but maybe some semblence of the person i used to be. can't tell at this point. friday will be 10 short and long weeks of missing nathan..does he know what he has done to me? can he possibly know? or is he really in a place of peace and health and happiness and not bothered with earthly things? i have not heard nor seen him nor caught any glimpses of any thing from my nate. i am sad and lonely and don't know why he has not visited me. did i not love him enough? am i guilty of something? my heart is heavy with so many questions without answers....i can not and fear i will never find that peace i need to move out of this stage of grief. could i have called him at that last moment in time and changed his mind? did he mean to do this or not? so many unanswered questions...so much quilt so much pain..too much guilt.

how i miss my baby boy...my 32 year old baby boy,,,,that smile....why, oh why? i don' have what it takes to pray, i just don't.....

my aunt died monday night....76 y/o....her 4 children will be devastated,,,they depended on her too much...will be hard for them...

talk later.....diane

[lolynbo]

YES DEE HE AND THE BOY FROM 2 1/2 MEN REMIND ME OF KODY....I GUESS ALOT OF SONS ARE SWEET LIKE MY BOY...THATS WHAT MAKES ME SO GREATFUL I HAVE HIM, I HAVE TO LOVE HIM MORE FOR THOSE WHOM HAVE LOST THEIRS..

[westleysmom]

Diane-Keep holding on. I know that I will never be the same. The what ifs and if onlys do haunt me still, but not as much as at first. I hope that time will help you to see that you were and are a great mom. The pool of grief that we drown in never drains completely, but I hope that you are able to keep your head above water. I no longer am able to worry about some things that happen that before Westley died seemed so important. I still have a hard time typing "Westley died", it still seems so unreal to me that it happened and having happened can't be undone. It is done forever, and the finality of it is still hard to accept. I have to believe that they are happy and waiting for us to see them again one day. Hugs

Sharon-Thinking of you too as the early days numbness is wearing off. I didn't think I was numb until I wasn't anymore and then I could tell how the numbness had protected me somewhat. It is so very hard and I wish you strength to get through it.

Crystal-It sounds like a message from Tyler, your dream. I hope the law is able to stop the harrassment or whatever is going on with the gang.

I spoke to my friend the other day and it was a hard conversation to have. I sent her a card, his birthday would have been today, and while she never said his name to me or told me what happened, please keep Elaine in your thoughts on this very sad birthday for her baby boy. Today is also Westley's friends birthday that is in jail and I sent him a birthday card and will go visit him Saturday again. I've been twice and was his only visitor, so I will keep trying to go as long as I can. Sometimes I feel like I am not much good for anyone anymore, but I have to keep trying. I caught a little bit of Marie Osmond's interview with Oprah on yesterday, it may have been a re-run but I didn't see it before if it was. I couldn't watch much of it, but saw enough to see her heartbreak and recognize all of our grief on her face.

Dee, Sherry, Betty, Betsy, Lorri, Susannah, Karen, Carol, Trudi, Leah, Greg, Dan, Sonya, all the BI family, you are all in my heart every day and I hope that you are doing as good as you can

[dwsmithrn]

rhonda...thanks for the kindness and the hugs...i keep trying to hold on, for whatever its worth....

i also caught a few minutes of marie on oprah, but could not continue on...it was too sad and my tears would not stop, watching her feel just like i feel...it hurts to know their are others with that kind of grief and sadness and i have come to know that it never leaves us. i could tell by marie, she may have learned to do other things in her life, but she is never without that sadness for her son....i know that is how i will live my life...forever missing my son.

i turned off the tv, turned over to hug my pillow, my photo of nathan and cried for a very long time....it is still very hard to function, no matter how you try, a normal day is not a normal day and i am not a normal person, whatever 'normal' is supposed to be....i am now just a crazy sad person....with no real purpose in my life. that in itself makes me sad....not the same wife, mother, grandmother, knowing they all need me to be 'ME' and i can't offer that to them....that is one of the things that makes me sad...i am grieving the loss of my son and the loss of me, too....not to mention the guilt that goes with all of this....this is a lot to handle.....no wonder i can't sleep....really!

diane

[2 Angels in Heaven]

I had a very strange dream last night...... Maybe you can help me analyze it?

I dreamed, I went to my Daughter Vanessa's house and she was alive and going to have a party. I went to stay a couple days and help with the party arrangements. However, it wasn't her house and it really wasn't her but an impostor who had a child. Vanessa's boyfriend was trying to convince me it really was Vanessa and that they had a baby girl. I didn't believe them. Then the party started and everyone was so happy Vanessa was alive, they were celebrating, cheering, and going all out at this party. My head was spinning! I was telling everyone that would listen that, that isn't Vanessa that it's an impostor. Everyone was laughing at me and telling me I was ridicules and how couldn't I recognize my own daughter? They were telling me to just be happy she is still alive. But it really wasn't her! I thought it was a conspiracy against me and everyone was in on it. The fake Vanessa was running around acting like my daughter, cooked food like her and even looked like her. But, didn't look completely like her. The way she was looking at and spoke to me was very different from my daughter. She wasn't fooling me. So, I went snooping and found the baby girls birth certificate. On the certificate it listed the mother as Sarah something? I can't remember. Anyway, I walked out into the party and started yelling that girls name and trying to find her. Everyone, at the party started saying stuff like...... OH she found out already, the cat's out of the bag and all kinds of other stuff like that. I was really, really angry that all these people would be in on this conspiracy. How could they mess with my emotions like that? I wanted to find this girl and beat the hell out of her for pretending to be my daughter. I was on a rampage tearing through the house and out into the yard...... Then I woke up and realized it was all just a dream. This dream was very confusing to me. Especially, the part of me wanting to beat this girl up and going on a rampage..... This is definitely not my personality, I'm a fairly passive person.

When I woke up, The tears started flowing! I felt like I had loss her all over again. She was so heavy on my mind that I couldn't fall back to sleep. I'm very sad today!

[shorty16]

Karen

That is so great that you go visit that young man and sent him a birthday card. I am sure he appreciates it more than you know.

Take care my friend

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[2 Angels in Heaven]

I started a Gallery Photo album today for Vanessa. I will make one for Kailey later.

Thanks for the support!

[dwsmithrn]

bless your heart, lori, that dream sounds very disturbing and no wonder you are sad today...i don't know how to interpret dreams, but i'm sure someone here can. i haven't had a dream about nathan yet. and i yearn to dream about him. makes me sad to not know anything about where he is and how he is doing. not even a glimpse of him....or a sign of anything. i hope someone can help you make some sense out of your dream. bless your heart.

maybe you are on a path of connecting with vanessa....that would be awesome....

i haven't made a gallery for nate yet, just the one picture....can't fine the pictures i like and haven't even downloaded all the photos on my computer to download. i am just not all here yet...but i will share when i feel like i can. i don't even know how to put a picture under my name to the left yet....but i will work on it soon.....

karen...i agree with dee....i know it doesn't seem like much to you, but it could be a big turn around for that boy for you to show interest in him and once he is out, you could be the link that turns his life around. it is only your wonderful heart that can do that....it shows in every thing you do and all the things you write here on this site....means a lot to us, too.

'have a good night to those who are able.....sleep and rest and eat.....til tomorrow....diane

[lolynbo]

LORI I WAS THINKG GOSH THAT LOOKS LIKE OLD SCHOOL DON JOHNSON....SO HOWS HE IN THE PIC.....LOVE YOUR BEAUTIFUL GIRL VERY PRETTY

[westleysmom]

Lori-What a beautiful girl. Thanks for posting the pictures of her. I still can't look through my pictures from when the kids were little too much. I took loads of pictures of my kids, they were so beautiful with big blue eyes and dark hair.

I hope that helping Westley's friend turns out to be the right thing to do. He has been in trouble more than once, but he seems sincere about trying to get straightened out. Without a family support system it will be very hard, and I'm trying to help any way I can. I'll keep you posted.

[aim630]

Lori-Beautiful pictures of Vanessa. I too thought the man holding her when she was a baby looked like Don Johnson. I'm not sure what your dream meant, but I know it was upsetting to you. Don't you wish this was just some big nightmare & you would wake up & everything would be fine?? I sure do. I know the petty little problems I had before this were nothing now.

Crystal-It did sound like your dream was a message from Tyler, letting you know he is ok. I have had 1 or 2 dreams about Ashley that truly felt like a visit, one in particular where she told me it was much better where she was. I hope the police are able to do something about the gang living next to you. You have enough stress without dealing with that kind of fear.

Rhonda-I think you are doing the right thing for helping Westley's friend. Hopefully this will be a wake-up call to him & he will straighten out his life when he gets out. I'm sure Westley would want you to help him. It is hard looking at pictures, especially when they were little.

Dee & Carol-It snowed today! Friday, when we go to the game is supposed to be sunny & 45, which is a lot better than today. We will dress warm & bring Ashley's Indians blanket, it is nice & warm. Carol-I hope the weather will be a little warmer for you when you go to see the Red Sox.

Susannah-I always enjoy reading your "ramblings". There is always good food for thought in your words.

Everyone else-thanks for being there & hope you all have a good night (or at least the best you can).

Amy/Ashley's mom

[Guest msnher]

Lori - Love the pictures you posted of your baby girl in the gallery. She truly is a beauty! I THINK, and I stress the word think - because I don't KNOW - but I think your dream represents the war you have going on inside you...grief. And, going on a rampage is too part of your make up. It's part of every mother's makeup when it comes to protecting our children. Wouldn't you fight heaven and hell to protect her? Sure you would. We all would. Grief, by all appearances, is ugly....but, in reality it brings out the beauty of our maternal instincts. It shows us exactly why the grizzly bear attacks. We get it. You don't even have to do anything but look in the direction of one of her cubs and she is going to take you out of the picture completely. Never...NEVER...get inbetween a bear and her cubs. The girl in your dream got between you and your girl. I would want to kick her a$$ too. Your dream wasn't a message from Venessa...it's just your consciousness sorting through grief. Your instincts, your intuition, your knowledge all fighting with each other. It would be easy to suggest it might have something with the unanswered questions of her death...her boyfriend getting a new girlfriend so quickly (maybe already having one when Vanessa died?) When the truth is finally revealed you will know if your intuitive skills (and we all have them) was at work in your dream.

Your daughters are together and they are very close to you. You can't recognize them right now because your pain is too raw and fresh. I have a feeling that Kailey might be hard for you to recognize because she no longer suffers from the disabilities you knew so well. She's a very strong spirit, that one. Watch for her signs. I think she will be able to reach through the barriers we set up in the physical quicker than Vanessa. They are both trying, but Kailey is a more advanced soul and will find the right venue first.

They love you dearly, your daughters. Much, much love! Their bond is unbreakable. Forgive me but I keep getting the feeling "it was always meant to be this way"...meaning they would go together.

Hugs to you!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Lori, i think that the dream indicates the suspicion you have, (we have) over the boyfriend and the girl he is dating adn the fact that you are not able to retrieve Your Daughter's things from him. I think the dream is about this wonder how she died, was he involved somehow and what is he covering up? I don't like him, and I get bad vibes when I think about him.

Rhonda is who is helping the boy in jail whose birthday it was. And Rhonda, I agree with everyone here, you are doing good things for this boy.

Lorri, you keep on loving on him extra big for everyone here.

Love to all,

Sus, was out all day, thanks, I hope to come back for some tucking in later. Aren't you sweet.

[daveydow1]

Hello all INDIGOS........Not much to say today......Just that I wish everyone a good night's rest,.....

and maybe some little dreams of your babies.

Lori----- (mom of 2 angels).....I'm sorry you had the disturbing dream. Hopefully, some dreams will come your way that

will be softer and more comforting, as you see your sweet girls. Peace, friend.

Dee-----4 in. of heavy wet snow today........NO SPRING HERE, either.

PEACE TO ALL IN THE INDIGO FAMILY.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Cdawn75]

my Clinton was 15 when he passed away, he loved skateboarding and was very at it.....my other son Ethan had barely turned 6 shortly before his brother, his role model , his hero passed away. he will be 8 on the 11th of april....i find myself in a daze sometimes when i look at my ethan and the things he does and says.....he reminds me so much of my clinton. I'll see ethan sitting a certain way and picture clinton when he was that young and it just brings a smile to my face....as ethan is gettin older his looks are so much like clintons as well. One thing i gave Ethan of clintons when he passed away was his skateboard .....Ethan spends most of his afternoons skateboarding and trying new tricks, i love it when he says hey mom look at this "ollie" ....its clinton all over again. Ethan remembers a lot about his brother and he brings up different stories all the time. I'm amazed at how much he remembers about his brother. I'm glad he still has alll his memories of Clinton and i am so grrateful he does as Ethan and clinton were the only 2 boys out of the 5 babies i had and so far apart in age. Clinton used to pick on Ethan A LOT tho LoL ....i used to tell Clinton ya know when u guys get older ethan is going to be just as big or maybe even bigger then u then whatcha going to do when he beats u up? i would tell him i cant wait till they all come to visit on a holiday and the "boys" wrestle in the yard and ethan starts saying this is for that one time and this is for another time .......i hate that Ethan dont have that big brother to look up to or even get to get the chance to be the "taller , bigger" brother.......

[hotrod]

Good Evening Indigos

Sherry and Dee No Spring here in NYC either The birds are singing, and the trees and flowers are blooming but it is rainy and cold and I am still wearing hats, gloves and boots

Lorri I love the album that you posted in the Gallery. Vanessa was certainly a beautiful girl . I agree with everyone about your dream. I thought I felt that her boyfriend had brought in this other women and was trying to pass her off as being as good as your lovely daughter. You naturally could see the difference and it infuriated you. GOOD for you

Crystal,(Tyler's mom loved your dream and do truly believe you were visited and touched

Christy Clinton's mom I am sure Ethan treasures his big brothers skateboard. It is lovely that you can see Clinton in his actions Sweet memories

Diane I am glad you are getting a little sleep and that your Doctor has some compassion with what your doing thru. It I a long difficult journey I do notice how readily you are responding to others. I believe that is a great step in the healing process. It was for me.

I attended a seminar tonight on Faith and Hope .It was interesting, but I must say that, I did not obtain any new insights. I did hear that Mother Theresa went for 35 years of "dryness" feeling so very far off from God without signs or miracles in her life. She kept on with her prayer life and maintained her faith and then one day "She was touched" and felt the power of her faith and remained that way until she passed. I felt I needed to hear that and that was the reason I attended. I have felt the power of my belief and faith 3 or 4 times in my lifetime These experiences were powerful, however I never get any "visits, or signs. I never even dream of Stephen but I still fervently believe that Stephen is safe and happy and that I will see him again.If Mother Theresa can keep on keeping on So can I.

Betsy, Trudi, Colleen, Leah, Karen, Rhonda , Amy, Crystal, Sus and all Indigos, please be gentle with yourselves

[ericasmom]

Right On Betty, keep on keeping on like Mother Theresa, keeping hope as the lead in our walk.

Yep, hats, mittens, and boots to keep my feet warm, while others are wearing less, I am generally cold, unless I am having a hot flash of course. Today it did get to be about 43 and sunny so it was milder than it has been. THe forsthia is about to bloom and so much coming through the ground, but boy, it is cold. Stay warm Bett.

Christy, I am glad that Ethan has such great memories of his big Brother, his hero. He will grow up holding those close to his heart. I hope that he treasures that skateboard and learns tricks that make his brother smile.

Today at the gym I was talking to two other women, well first I was listening in on their conversation while I was working on a mat, and they wer talking about violence and I spoke up and then the three of us were talking...it turns out, all three of us lost our Child in 2003. Samantha lost her boy in July of 2003 like our losing Erica, and Fran lost her boy in February of 2003. Now how about that folks, three women midday at one gym in suburban Chicago...we bereaved parents are everywhere and yet people still don't know how to talk to us about our losses or avoid us because we do talk about our loss. THese two other women may peak in at us and visit, I wrote out Beyond Indigo information for them. Our lives weave in and out like waves on the sea, first part of one wave, then another, then both, we blend adn we rise and crest and fall, but we join all the other waves to make the beautiful music that the sea makes. We are a force, an energy, we are parents forever and we move in unison and we are joined in making the lives of our Babies Count.

sleep well and freely tonight

[dwsmithrn]

oops...dee, thanks for setting me straight....

sorry rhonda.....you are doing the right thing for westley's friend....

can't seem to get anything right these days.....i failed my son, and now i fail you....i'm sorry....i seem to be saying that alot these days....

my sadness just gets worse and worse with each passing day....my husband has recommended we go to counseling together....he want to help me get through this...he knows i am sad and while he can't 'fix' me, he wants to help me 'deal' with it in some small way. at least have someone to talk to about how i feel....he's trying, and that's all he can do....maybe he needs to talk, too...we do talk, but maybe he won't say everything to me he wants to, so he wants to go, too. at least he's willing to go with me...i don't know....i will think about it....

but, sorry if i get your names wrong....i might forget once i read all the posts, then try to write something later on....i'm sorry, i apologize.....i'm not always with the program, but i still love you and care about you and thank you for being here for me....diane

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Dear Diane PLEASE, PLEASE stop beating yourself up over a simple things like mixing up names and who here did what!!! There is not one of us who have not done that There is so much going on, so many sharing information , it is very human to get confused and mix up events and people. I like your husband's suggestion about looking for a professional counselor to help walk thru this awful pain. You know Nathan was loved and loved you. Your sign on signature from His last message to you confirmed that. We as parents loved our children with all the unconditional love we were capable of and when we do that we have not failed!!!

Dee it is amazing the connection that you made at the gym. A simple conversation turning into a much deeper interaction. It is a reminder to me to keep myself open to all people and share who I am one never knows the good that can happen. You are a great example of that.

It is snowy and overcast here today. Because I need to get a feel for Spring I am going to T J Max and purchase some spring/summer dresses that I DONOT need

Betsy thinking of you, your Brother and SIL Please take care.

TRUDIE, .SHAREN, CRYSTAL, CHRISTY, SHERRY, COLLEEN, LORRIE, LEAH, AND ALL INDIGOS BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF

[Guest msnher]

Betty - I love your heart!

Diane - If memory serves me correctly, I recently complimented you for even attempting to respond to us individually. It might have been someone else because I get all mixed up. Out of all the things to feel bad about, put this on the bottom of the list....or take it off the list completely. It's such a non-issue here. We get it. If you get a name wrong someone will correct it. Not out of chastisement but just to clear up any confusion. I tried so hard to memorize each Indigo and their angel. I still want to honor each member by remembering their child's name. I know I forget and/or neglect a lot of people or get the names mixed up.....but my heart is in the right place. So is yours.

Speaking of forgetting names....The best friend of a man I was engaged to for THREE years died yesterday. He was older and had cancer and was in a lot of pain. We are grateful he is out of pain. However, I could not remember my ex fiance's last name! I finally called my son and asked him.

[ericasmom]

Diane, I sure don't want you to apologize, I still goof on names and not because I am new here but because I simply goof on names. Anyhow, please put the "im sorry' away when you are here. My reminding of Rhonda is simply to realign names of moms/dads to kids. I have to constantly scroll down to make sure of a name, and believe me, I have misnamed many. Aside from that, how cool that your Husband will go with you to therapy. I think that that is so cool. Many of us would have loved that kind of unity.

Betty, I went looking at frocks yesterday as ameans to finding spring. New signs of spring...floral designs in spring colors.

[briansdad]

This is for all my friends here that made me feel normal.

THANK YOU

A GINGHAM DRESS

A lady in a faded gingham dress and her husband, dressed in a homespun threadbare

Suit, stepped off the train in Boston , and walked timidly without an

Appointment into the Harvard University President's outer office.

The secretary could tell in a moment that such backwoods,

Country hicks had no business at Harvard & probably didn't even deserve to

Be in Cambridge ..

"We'd like to see the president," the man

Said softly.

"He'll be busy all day," the secretary snapped.

"We'll wait," the lady replied.

For

Hours the secretary ignored them, hoping that the couple would finally become

Discouraged and go away.

They didn't, and the secretary grew

Frustrated and finally decided to disturb the president, even though it was a

Chore she always regretted.

"Maybe if you see them for a few

Minutes, they'll leave," she said to him!

He sighed in

Exasperation and nodded. Someone of his importance obviously didn't have the

Time to spend with them, and he detested gingham dresses and homespun suits

Cluttering up his outer office.

The president, stern faced

And with dignity, strutted toward the couple.

The lady told

Him, "We had a son who attended Harvard for one year. He loved Harvard. He was

Happy here. But about a year ago, he was accidentally killed. My husband and I

Would like to erect a memorial to him, somewhere on

Campus."

The president wasn't touched. He was shocked.

"Madam," he said, gruffly, "we can't put up a statue for

Every person who attended Harvard and died. If we did, this place would

Look like a cemetery."

"Oh, no," the lady explained quickly.

"We don't want to erect a statue. We thought we would like to give a

Building to Harvard."

The president rolled his eyes. He

Glanced at the gingham dress and homespun suit, then exclaimed, "A building!

Do you have any earthly idea how much a building costs? We

Have over seven and a half million dollars in the physical buildings here at

Harvard."

For a moment the lady was silent. The president

Was pleased. Maybe he could get rid of them now.

The lady

Turned to her husband and said quietly, "Is that all it cost to start a

University? Why don't we just start our own? "

Her husband

Nodded. The president's face wilted in confusion and bewilderment.

Mr. And Mrs. Leland Stanford got up and walked away,

Traveling to Palo Alto, California where they established the university that

Bears their name, Stanford University, a memorial to a son that Harvard no

Longer cared about.

You can easily judge the character of

Others by how they treat those who they think can do nothing for them.

A TRUE STORY by Malcolm Forbes

"People will forget what you said; People

Will

forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them

Feel."

Amen

[andy88]

This is for all my friends here that made me feel normal.

THANK YOU

A GINGHAM DRESS

A lady in a faded gingham dress and her husband, dressed in a homespun threadbare

Suit, stepped off the train in Boston , and walked timidly without an

Appointment into the Harvard University President's outer office.

The secretary could tell in a moment that such backwoods,

Country hicks had no business at Harvard & probably didn't even deserve to

Be in Cambridge ..

"We'd like to see the president," the man

Said softly.

"He'll be busy all day," the secretary snapped.

"We'll wait," the lady replied.

For

Hours the secretary ignored them, hoping that the couple would finally become

Discouraged and go away.

They didn't, and the secretary grew

Frustrated and finally decided to disturb the president, even though it was a

Chore she always regretted.

"Maybe if you see them for a few

Minutes, they'll leave," she said to him!

He sighed in

Exasperation and nodded. Someone of his importance obviously didn't have the

Time to spend with them, and he detested gingham dresses and homespun suits

Cluttering up his outer office.

The president, stern faced

And with dignity, strutted toward the couple.

The lady told

Him, "We had a son who attended Harvard for one year. He loved Harvard. He was

Happy here. But about a year ago, he was accidentally killed. My husband and I

Would like to erect a memorial to him, somewhere on

Campus."

The president wasn't touched. He was shocked.

"Madam," he said, gruffly, "we can't put up a statue for

Every person who attended Harvard and died. If we did, this place would

Look like a cemetery."

"Oh, no," the lady explained quickly.

"We don't want to erect a statue. We thought we would like to give a

Building to Harvard."

The president rolled his eyes. He

Glanced at the gingham dress and homespun suit, then exclaimed, "A building!

Do you have any earthly idea how much a building costs? We

Have over seven and a half million dollars in the physical buildings here at

Harvard."

For a moment the lady was silent. The president

Was pleased. Maybe he could get rid of them now.

The lady

Turned to her husband and said quietly, "Is that all it cost to start a

University? Why don't we just start our own? "

Her husband

Nodded. The president's face wilted in confusion and bewilderment.

Mr. And Mrs. Leland Stanford got up and walked away,

Traveling to Palo Alto, California where they established the university that

Bears their name, Stanford University, a memorial to a son that Harvard no

Longer cared about.

You can easily judge the character of

Others by how they treat those who they think can do nothing for them.

A TRUE STORY by Malcolm Forbes

"People will forget what you said; People

Will

forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them

Feel."

Amen

Love this! Thank you for sharing it!

[westleysmom]

Diane-Some days even I forget what my name is! But I know what you mean,I hate it when I confuse kids and parents too, get them mis-matched. I always hope that if I do that, nobody thinks its because I don't care about them, but I think everyone here understands. It is great that your husband is so understanding and I hope that you are able to find a counselor that "fits" and will help you through this very painful process.

Dee-My husband was remarking on that the other night when I was telling him about my friend whose son recently died, that there are so many more of us than you would ever have thought. It is such a hard loss to share with others, I guess because you never know when somebody will come out with a zinger and shatter your heart all over again and right out in public.

Betty-I'm glad you've been able to let go of the anger that you were talking about a few days ago. Cold here too, for March. Its supposed to be pretty this weekend. Good luck on the dresses.

[shorty16]

Clinton's Mom

I see the same thing in my younger son, Aaron. Aaron was 14 when Brian was killed at 16. When Aaron will say something or sit a certain way, I can see Brian.

I get the same from my daughter, because her and Brian looked alike.

Thanks for making me smile at a nice memory that is living on in my other son.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

Greg, what a fabulous story, showing the judgment of some versus the nature of others, the heart of the humans that persist at making things right. Thanks so much for that. How is spring down in your part of the woods? I think that you actually had snow recently when we didn't, can I be right about that? How is your wife and how is your Grandgirl, Alyssa? Did everything settle down where she is concerned? Hope so.

Rhonda, yes, in my district where I teach, I can name 4 other moms that I know of, no 5, that also lost their adult child. Only one of them talks openly with me about their child, one emails me, she is newer to grief and too sad to speak aloud about it. I cannot help but wonder the disservice we do our youth in not teaching the correct words, the emotions that go along with grief, and allowing them to question their concerns. I do believe had there been any formal teaching about grief in the schools all along, we would not be looked at as "those people" and instead, would be more comfortable in group situations and others too, would be more comfortable around us. I do teach about grief in small ways throughout the year, I read books that involve grief starting of course with animals/pets, and then we venture into other areas so that kids understand a bit more about the process. I have written a story about a boy who suddenly loses his daddy, as we have seen kids at school lose a parent, and while I have not sent it to anyone to see if it is publishable, I do feel it hits a child's emotions pretty well. How do we expect the next generations to deal better than our does if we do not teach them about it. It is teaching empathy and real life, not video life. My rant.

[ericasmom]

Today is March 31st, and it marks 2 years since the Dad of my children died. Michael was/is well loved and dearly missed. My Son is having time to himself today, not wanting to share this day with anyone. Just he and his Dad, he may go fishing to be close to him. They liked fishing. I was with Mike when he died, that last day he no longer could speak, he was afraid, and his sister Carol and I kept telling him that Eri was coming. We had moved his bed closer to the windows a few days earlier, opened the curtains so he could at least look at something other than the wallpaper and tv that no longer interested him. The sky had been nearly black all day, a cold rainy ugly day, and sure enough, at around 6:00 a glimmer of bright blue under a cloud, and the clouds moved some and more blue was exposed. IT was a beautiful almost turquoise blue. Jonathan and Carol and Eri's dearest friend, Susannah, and Michael's oldest friend, Dave, and me, all kept saying, "Michael, Eri is coming now, see how the sky is changing, she is coming for you, don't be afraid." Jon was crying, we had done this before he and I with Michael, when we were letting Eri free...to look across a bed into my son's anguished face once again broke my heart again, but we were joined by this act of letting one free. The sun shone bright in Mike's room right on his face, and we all just talked to him and held his hands, he had become very thin but his skin was smooth. At around 6:30 after sitting in the sun, the sky turned a bright unforgettable pink, it was amazing, like the sunset on ERi's day of death, bright pink and flamingo, and peaches all swirled around and the room was bathed in Eri's color, and just then as we all were amazed by ERi's presence, Michael stiffened, his eyes fluttered and he smiled and he died. He died. He left with the pink little girl of ours.

I miss you Michael, Jonathan misses you dearly, smile on him today letting him know that you are forever in his life loving him.

[Guest msnher]

Greg - Thank you for sharing the "Gingham dress". Love it.

Yes, there are a lot of us out there. There are those, too, who think they know, but they don't. "I know how you feel, my grandfather just died." There is sadness with any loss, but it's not the same as losing a child. Not even close. I wonder why that is. My nephew's suicide was very hard on me. I got drunk and stayed that way for a lot of years...but, it wasn't just his dying that had me so twisted inside. To me his suicide was the epitome' of our lives. "It's never going to get better. There is no hope." My sisters and I had suffered so much violence and tragedy and I was in the process of trying to put the pieces together when James died. I developed a "what's the use" attitude. I was a very religious woman then. I walked out of church one Sunday and held my middle finger to the sky..."If you're in Heaven, send me to hell. I want no part of you."

The guilt I carried over his suicide haunted me for years. I should have called. I should have written. I was just thinking about him, why didn't I reach out. And, I was so angry at him for causing so much pain in my sister, whom had already lost another son and husband to a drowning accident. And, truth be told, I was envious of the courage it took for him to end it all. James visited me often the first year after he died. I remember coming home drunk one night and opening the bottle of xanax and taking way too many pills and hearing him clearly say, "Annie, you don't have to live like this." That happened a lot. (Annie is my family's nickname for me)

When I sobered up several years later, after throwing away my own family and home, I was not happy to find out grief was still waiting for me. 12 years later I had to walk through the grief of my nephew's death AND had to walk through all the harm I caused my family during my search for happiness in a bottle.

Still, none of that compares to the pain of my own daughter's death. Because of what happened when James died I knew not to turn to liquor as a cure. I would have avoided ever taking any drugs but after four months of not being able to stop crying and no sleep I surrendered and went to the doctor who prescribed anti depressants. I'm still taking them, as prescribed. I tried to quit taking them a while back but depression set in again...my doctor said I'll need them for a full three years. One down...two to go. It's rare that I follow a doctor's orders, but I am this time.

Don't know why I just shared all that. Just felt like it, I guess. (shrug) Oh well.

Or, I've been told this one..."I know how you fell, my dog just died." Really? I don't think so. Don't get me wrong, I love my dog and will be sad when she dies, but not like this. Nothing's like this.

I try to remember, however, that others grieve Stephanie, too. I know they don't feel the loss the way I do. I know it. But, I try to honor their pain. I try to comfort them. It's odd that the only people I really receive comfort from are others who know...you all..other friends. People who have walked this path.

Sorry for the ramble.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom