Loss of an Adult Child

[Guest]

I'm okay.  I just didn't like how negative my post was, so I deleted it.

I'm right there with you, Maryann. 

It hit again two days ago.  I stayed up a good deal of the night, last night, fighting with a God I don't understand.  None of this pain makes any sense. 

I am considering a more eastern religion approach.  Maybe New Age.  I can't do it today, but I am ready to quit smoking, quit drinking caffeine, drink more water and meditate more.  I am ready to turn off my computer. My television.  Quit AA and just stay home and take care of my family as best I can.

This can't be my life.  God (if there is one) cannot take (or at least allow it) our child and not give us a way through it.  If only books like The Shack were true. 

Last night after my "come apart" at my face to face grief support group, the mediator said it was good to cry and now I would feel better.  It doesn't work that way for me.  No amount of tears will change this situation. 

I have to accept the unacceptable and move on.  It's the moving on that is kicking my butt!

I thought the "spiritual experience" I had a few weeks ago would carry me through.  Sweet Sadness, I called it.  Not now.  Now I'm just pissed!  I didn't just lose my daughter, these children lost their mother.........after being kept from her for two years and suffering untold suffering and torture.

This is not okay!  If the bible is true and God is no respector of persons and he truly came down and fought Jacob.........I want to fight him.  I want to fight God!

I wish I hadn't bought my ticket to Little Rock and paid for my room....I just don't think any of this stuff works, now.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[lolynbo]

ITS WORKING KEEP PRAYING FOR KIMBERLY ...SHE IS SUPPOSE TO FLY TO CANADA THURSDAY FOR THE 2ND PART OF HER INTERVIEW...SHE WAS SO  EXCEITED SHE WAS CRYING.....I SO HOPE SHE GETS THIS JOB....THEY ASKED HER WOULD SHE HAVE A PROB MOVING TO FLORIDA....AH NO THEN I COULD GO VISIT.....KEEP PRAYING...THANK YAL

[hotrod]

Dear Susannah the mood swings you describe are very familiar to me.  I have fought many a battles with God and always come away with  a little more acceptance , a little more understanding and a little less pain

 

You mentioned accepting the unacceptable and going on.  The going on is a must  It is just HOW I go on that is my choice.   Since  I cannot change what has happened and cannot Fully Understand the ways of the Universe  I MUST continue living. 

 

 When my husband passed over 25 years ago I tried to isolate , stay angry with God and exist.  I crashed very Hard!!! so I know that does not work.

 I had to learn how to continue living. I had to  learn to Live Life on Life's terms. Prayer, Acceptance of the unacceptable (I realized I did not have to like it just stop arguing and fighting about it.)  and just showing up in the Company of others  worked.  So this time with the loss of my true heart and soul, I found youall  and I stay here and try to go on .  Not knowing why he was taken and I remain  but being grateful that I was able to be with him until the end.

In reading your post I do see the hardship endured.   I am so glad that the children were rescued from a painful horrible situation, are now living with a loving family and that their Mommy was able to achieve sobriety and be with them before she passed.  I know  this journey is hard for you but we Indigos are here to walk this painful  road together. Please keep your reservation for the reunion. Together we can do anything

 

Carol your wisdom, compassion  kindness and warmth just touch me with each post.  Enjoy the 40 pounds of love today.

 

Lorrie Prayers for Kimberly on the way

 

Leaving for the day  stay well all

Betty Stephen'smom

[mikesmomrs]

Susannah:  I am so sorry that you are in this pit that runs along this rough road we are on, catching us when we are least awares, thinking that we have made some progress, and bam, we are down again!  I can't explain it either, I can't find a reason...I have fought my arguments with myself about God...I do know that when I walk away from my beliefs, I am much emptier and more at a loss than when I stick to them and just wonder about it all.  I also find that if I think about it too much, try to figure things out too much, delve too much into the whys and ifs, I am my own worst enemy.  I guess the bottom line is the very word that describes it all....faith.  Mike used to question it...a lot...moved away from it for quite a bit...denied it...but came back to it.  Throughout that time, I used to tell him, Mike, it's "faith," and faith means believing in what we can't see, don't understand.  A few weeks after he died, I was on the highway, by myself, driving in the dark, pouring rain, lots of traffic, and I started to cry, scream, why, why, why, and so on and so forth...you know the drill.  Suddenly, there was NO traffic on my side of the road; it was like I was transported somewhere else, and all of a sudden, this big dark car comes up beside me, passes, comes in front of me and slows down.  I get closer to it, and read the license plate in front of me now..."FAITH."  That's all.  "FAITH"  I started crying harder. relief, angst, anger, joy, all together.  Then, a few moments later, car gone, and of course, I say, "Yeah, what's a license plate...a coincidence.  I am crazy."  I am still driving, up beside me again, the big black car, comes in front of me again, slows down,  "FAITH."  I could almost hear Mike, God or whomever, screaming, "DO YOU GET IT NOW!?!?!?!?!?!?"  Can I say that my "faith" has been unwavering since then...no, I can't, but I can say that when it wavers, I remember, and I bring myself back to that night...that plate, my telling Mike over and over, "It's faith, Mike. it's faith...look it up in the dictionary..."  I don't know how many times I told him that.  And now, he tells me.

I second everything that Betty so wisely said to you, also.

 

Keep your reservation, Sus, please.  I went last year.  I am going this year.  It is a  blessing, it is a wonderful gift, we are all wonderful gifts that our children have sent to each of us...the meeting is so therapeutic...it is a gift...you WILL come away changed, more healed (completely healed?  never...it is never going to happen completely, we here all know that), more at peace.  From the moment you meet the first one of us, you will feel it.  Please don't cancel.  Please.

love to you, my dear friend, and hugs, and wishing you peace in your mind and your heart.

love, Carol

[Guest]

Betty and Carol - Thank you for sharing your experience, strength and hope with me.  I love how you validate and understand so well!  I hate that you have to! 

I'm better.  I need to realize that "This too shall pass" and learn to keep my mouth shut. 

I cleaned the kitchen and scrubbed the floor and washed the living room ceiling fan and all the light fixtures.  It's not the kind of clean you can really see, but my house smells good.  The sun is shining and the kids are outside playing.  They are mad at me because I won't let them put their swim suits on.  There's still snow on the ground, but warm enough we don't need a jacket. 

Thank you for the reminder about the kids being safe now, Betty, and getting to be with their mother clean and sober before she died.

Carol, I love the FAITH story.  I might need you both to remind me again!

Of course, I'm still coming to Little Rock.  I was just throwing a two year old tantrum!

I did ask the therapist over the face to face group if she thought maybe I should join a different group because I'm so overbearing and outspoken...I don't want to distract from the focus of this group.  She hasn't called me back, yet.

I love you guys!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[hotsauce]

LORRI, DEE, SHERRY, CLAUDIA, BONNIE, KATHY, BETTY, SUSANNAH

 

thank you all for your thoughts and suggestions.  i do some of the things, maybe just not enough.

 

mary ann

[ericasmom]

Mary Ann, you needn't do al of these, but I do hope that some of them help. I really do believe that there are hard times when we face a new season. I remember wondering why I was more down than I had been once October hit. Then I realized, we lost Erica in the summer, and summer turned to autumn, as the cycle of life continued, I was facing autumn without my Girl. Hollow, that is how I felt. Like a hollow drum, a dried gourd. I wrote a poem called hollow, it is at home and I am still at school so perhaps one day I will post it. I think it is a common feeling among us.

Susannah, the tantrums come adn go, but you can't argue with what Betty adn Carol have given you here, their experience...time does cause a different light to shine on things. It takes time. The FAITH story is such a good one Carol, I too can hear Mike saying, "MOM, FAITH for heavens sake, FAITH, look it up, or better yet, just look and I will remind you."

Mike gives you so many messages while riding in the car. Love that.

I am currently in report card hell, held captive by a series of keystrokes that will mark a child's time here. I hate grading them would rather just write a narrative on each, we do write comments anyway.

Oh well, back to it,

love to all,

dee

PS Lynn, glad you had fun in Chicago, You are brave, I will not go to the top of Sears/Willis tower nor any other highrise, no desire.

[lolynbo]

WHAT A DAY...KIMBERLY AND I HAVE TO DRIVE TO DALLAS TOM TO GET HER PASSPORT UPDATED 160$. SHOULD BE READY IN 4 TO 6 HOURS...CUZ THEY CLOSE AT 2....

SHE IS FLYING TO CANADA THURSDAY TO MEET WITH THEM AND FLYIN BACK FRIDAY..(I SAW $$ FOR TICKET $1300) PLUS THE ROOM THEY ARE GETTING HER SO SOUNDS LIKE THEY REALLY ARE INTERESTED IN HER....SO KEEP THE PRAYERS COMING..

ALSO IN COUNCELING THER IS A LADY WHOS DAUGHTER KILLED HERSELF ...AND THE MOM FOUND HER.....WELL THE MOM (LINDA) HER HUBBY KILLED HIMSELF TODAY....SO IM AGINE GOING THRU THIS AND YOUR SUPPOSRT SYSTEM KILLS THEMSELF........

I FEEL SO BAD FOR HER.....

[daveydow1]

Lorrie---Prayers for Kimberly that she has good luck with the job interview.

Florida would be so nice for you to visit----especially when the weather's

lousy in Oklahoma.

Susannah-----I believe the anger thing hits us all at one time or another. I

also go through that from time to time, but it comes along less & less. By

now (going on 7 yrs.) I am just resigned to my lot in life. I know that does

sound bitter, but I'm really not bitter. I thin it's more a rather tired acceptance

of the way things are..........Davey's gone. I, too, have wailed and howled until

I was tired out & drained. I guess that did some good by taking out the 'bad'

energy.  We here at BI walk hand-in-hand on this road.....it gives us strength.

 I hope that you will feel that the group sessions are of some help.

Your pretty Stephanie will always be with you.....good days and sad days. The

love never dies.  Thoughts & prayers, friend.

           PEACE & COMFORT TO ALL HERE IN THE BI GANG.

                    Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry

                

[daveydow1]

Lorrie---Prayers for Kimberly that she has good luck with the job interview.

Florida would be so nice for you to visit----especially when the weather's

lousy in Oklahoma.

Susannah-----I believe the anger thing hits us all, at one time or another. I

also go through that from time to time, but it comes along less & less. By

now (going on 7 yrs.) I am just resigned to my lot in life. I know that does

sound bitter, but I'm really not bitter. I think it's more a rather tired acceptance

of the way things are.........   I, too, have wailed and howled until

I was tired out & drained. I guess that did some good by taking out the 'bad'

energy.  We here at BI walk hand-in-hand on this road.....it gives us strength.

 I hope that you will feel that the group sessions are of some help.

Your pretty Stephanie will always be with you.....good days and sad days. The

love never dies.  Thoughts & prayers, friend.

           PEACE & COMFORT TO ALL HERE IN THE BI GANG.

                    Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry

                

[summergirl]

Susannah - overbearing ?? outspoken??  those are just 2 of the things I love about you... Listen to those who speak so well, the wisdom they have and the ability to put it into words. The FAITH story tore at my heart, loved it.  Hang in there my friend because the day will come when you will realize how much you support us as we do you.

Lorri - big, huge prayers for Kim....I have a good feeling about this and soon you will be visiting her in Florida....soaking up the sunshine.  OMG I am so sorry about your friend, how horrible to lose your daughter that way and now her husband...my prayers and thoughs with this poor woman.  Hugs

Thank you all for your words of encouragement once again.  I met with the director of the Phoenix House today. First you go in and talk to one of the counsellor's about why you want to join a group, paper work etc. Paper work was quick and then the talking...what a wonderful woman (named Kathy), she has been doing this for 15 years so I was nothing new to her....I told her everything and she said "all the money you give your son enables him to live the lifestyle he is living, he will depend on you for the rest of his life and you, Barry and Tavian will be destroyed". Also said the first step to stop enabeling him was when I walked into her door, it is not going to be easy but I can do it with counselling with her and meetings with those in my shoes. There is a meeting in each town around me as well as one just 3 miles from my house, she said I can go to one and also try a second one as sometimes you are not comfortable in one and will be in the other. It reminded me of BI when she said that as when someone comes here from another place they find the true place they need.  She told me NOT to answer my phone, screen my phone calls...but first I must tell Bj that until he gets himself into a rehab then I will not take his calls nor will I see him...she said 90 percent of the addicts she has worked with did not change their ways until they were "not enabeled anymore"...it was so easy when someone takes care of you but when they stop and no one is there is when it hits home...die or live.  So I am proud of myself for taking the step but still have a nervous stomach knowing what I have to do but I am going to get through it with all of you, the counselling and the meetings.   Thank you all for being there for me and for your prayers.

So many thoughts of my Jessica today, sweet, sweet memories and many tears but my FAITH remains.     Speaking of license plates, I was in the parking lot and looked up and parked in front and to the side of me was this on the car plate"no worries" --- I smiled and took it as a sign of "have FAITH and NO WORRIES" about what you can change and what you cannot change. So I will start each day with "faith and no worries" about today because I can not change what was but I can change what is.

I love you all my friends....sleep well and may your Angels bring you comfort. Kathy

 

[aim630]

Mary Ann-I understand about the weather. It has been about 55 degrees and sunny here in Ohio, but I feel like I can't enjoy it. Ashley got sick in the middle of November, and she missed the whole winter in the hospital. Now it is going to be spring, and she is not here.

Susannah-I understand completely about the anger at God. I always had a lot of faith, and when my dad passed away, I knew he was in heaven. Now that Ashley's gone, I don't feel that same faith. So many people prayed really hard for Ashley, she was recovering (miraculously) then a blood clot or something took her. I knew that could happen, but I told myself to have faith in God. I know eventually I will get past this and my faith will return. From everything I've read, this is a normal stage for some people. Right now I want God to know I'm angry & don't understand. (like a kid mad at his parents). I want to throw a temper tantrum myself!

Right now, I am praying for Maggie, a beautiful 2 yr old. She has leukemia, which is in remission, but now has pneumonia and is on a ventilator. She is going through almost the exact same thing Ashley did, they are testing her for H1N1. I pray that God does not take this little girl. Let her have a chance to live & don't let her parents have to go through what all of us have been through.

A complete stranger sent me a letter today. She lost her 23 yr old son in 1987. Her words helped, as does all of yours. Thank you for letting me share (& vent).

[Guest]

Lorri - So sad about Linda.  I hope Kimberly's job turns out the way she wants.

Sherry - Thanks for the support.  It passed almost as suddenly as it came on.  I hope I remember this journey so I can be as supportive to others as all of you are to me.  I so wish there wouldn't be others, but we know too well.........

I actually got a lot done today.  I cooked a dinner that even had Jasmine cooing.  Just steak and potatoes and whole kernel corn.  I'm not much of a cook.  I'm not a bad cook, I just don't enjoy cooking that much.  So, when I deliver the family is exceedingly grateful.     I didn't hear my 6'2", 200 lb son come in the house while I was cooking.  He snuck up behind me and touched my shoulders.  I about came out of my skin.  'CURTIS KECK!"  I shreaked.  He was laughing so hard he couldn't talk.  "We could have won money with your expression, Mom." 

That little interaction made me feel a little bit of normalcy.

Again, thanks everyone.  Today marks seven months for Stephanie's passing.  Six months was much more difficult.  Having you guys say you've been there help me know I'm not as insane as I fear.

Colleen, was it you who has a Golden?  You said something about her not being interested in cats because they can't pet her.  That's our Golden to the T.  She thinks hands and feet were made for petting her and she doesn't understand why they all aren't being used as such.  She's cuddled next to me as I type this.  We love her so much!

I know I've missed people.  Hope you all have a restful night.

Love you all.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest]

Kathy and Amy - We posted at the same time.  Thank you both for your words of encouragement.

Kathy - I'm excited for you.  The woman you talked to sounds like a very wise woman!

Amy - My heart breaks for your little two year old friend. 

I don't think children are dying faster....or parents are losing their children quicker.  What I think is I'm more aware of it.   I'm not proud of that.

Good night my friends!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[andrewsmother]

My dear friends...

I'm finding myself in the deepest deepest hole ever. I feel like I've been swallowed up by this great sadness. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I can't stop thinking that I will never see my child again...oh how this hurts...my God I feel like I'm not going to make it, nothing seems to matter to me anymore...I just don't care, I can't fanthom the thought that my precious child has been taken from me. I feel like at any moment I'm just going to start screaming and lose my sanity. It's been 2 and a half months now and its getting so much worse...its as if it has suddenly hit me that I will never see this child again....I can't imagine living like this, I can't live like this, this horrible pain I feel I just cannot endure much longer. Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated, I can't even conceive that I will ever get used to not having my son anymore, even with time and knowing that the pain lessens, I just cannot see any light or even a tunnel in sight.

Sometimes I read all your posts, but just don't have the energy to write, anyway, what do I have to say? I have nothing constructive to say to anyone when I am coming apart and crumbling....

Rosie, Andrew's mom

[Guest]

Rosie - I'm the LAST person who should be saying anything.  I just want you to know I hear you.  I know.  The only thing I have to offer you is that I had two good weeks and I didn't feel bad for having them.  Then, I had two bad days.....now I can breath again.  I was at about your time frame when I first found BI. 

Others, wiser than me, will share with you soon.  Hang on!

Love you just because!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Rosie Dear, you are at a time on this timeline that found most of us crumbling, unable to even forsee feeling less pain as the pain increased. The physical pain of our loss, the empty arms that just long to hold our Baby again, as well as the giant cavernous hole in our hearts whose only sound is the wind rushing through. It even seemed obscene to think that I would one day not feel that much pain, but it was true, it is true. The hole will always be a hole but it will be filled in paritally one day, by the love and support of those around you, by life providing good things and people, and mostly by Andrew, who wants nothing more than you and Chris to live on in his light. To live and stand where he cannot and to live it well so that he can enjoy knowing that his most beloved creatures on Earth are laughing and learning and feeling the sun on their faces.

This is not said to make you feel as though you are letting HIM down, you are not, He gets it. He knows better than us what it will take for you adn Chris to live a good life in His absence. But he also knows what you would hope for him had it been you instead of him...Of course Andrew wants the best for you. It is simply too soon for youto feel any of this, it is too soon for you to understand that one day you will feel a smile form on your face and it will be a gentle message from you to your Son that you are Ok.

You and Amy are very new to this ache, this despair, and both of you have younger ones that need to know that you will find a way to live. Please don't let go in your pain, let yourself go through it because that is the only way to the otherside of this hurt, to go through it. There is no way around it, no way to avoid it, go through it adn have faith that we are right there with you as you do.

Amy, glad that you know that one day you will probably return to your belief system. Being mad is one of the stages and you will move through it. I am so sorry that your Ashley spent so long a time in the hospital and that you had so much trauma.

Rosie, Amy, and All, you needn't feel you need to lift anyone to be here, you simply need to show up and let us know what we can do.

Lorri, sounds like your friend's husband could not hold on through his pain, and I am so sorry that you are dealing with such a sadness, that she has to deal with this. Awful. Prayers for them.

Great prayers of joy and hope for Kim. May she get this job and love it and do it well.

Sus, glad that the kids loved dinner, sometimes the routines in life, sitting with family at the dinner table with a good meal, that feels like home.

Kathy, the woman you vistited said it all, that the first step was taken when you walked through that door, so hats off to you Dear One. The rest will be hard but now you know that others are there for you and that they will be able to predict BJ's next move because they have been there. Hang on to these people as they hang on to you. A gift.

[tanmanmymagicman]

Rosie, you have every right to feel the way you do....My goodness it has not been so long since you lost your son.......

I was crazy with grief my first year......I looked at pictures of my son on the side of the road; could not get enough of it.....It just would not sink in.....I missed him so; I craved him to be back; I always wished I was dreaming BUT I always knew I wasn't; I made several trips to where my son lost his life........2 times I waited for a semi truck to come by as that is a well traveled road for big trucks; I would look at the milk trucks and wonder if they had a full load and I would cry and wish I could just step in front of one and die where my son did....... But AGAIN; I knew it could not be that easy; I have other children and a husband and I could not be selfish.

So now 2 years later I live a different life....I take medication...maybe too much at times; I avoid crowds; I don't like appointments; I like alot of alone time.....I CAN not look at pictures of Tanner anymore Nor can I even go to the cemetery......I feel so sad about that; but I get physically ill if I go.....It is a mental drain on me and I know Tanner would not want me to suffer if I could avoid it.....

NO ONE knows, understands or most really don't care HOW we feel.......my oldest daughter had the nerve to tell me that I live a sad life and that Tanner would not want me taking pills............I told her don't preach to me until you have WALKED in my shoes and lost a child........

I will never be the same person I was.......I wear a mask to keep everyone happy that I encounter........

Please just know.....this grief WILL change for you..........in different ways; You will live on.........I miss my son more than I have words for......everyday I see a little blond boy that reminds me of my son and I hurt everyday and tear up everyday.....Its non ending.....But I have happy days........and I know Tanner would be happy about that......

I just wanted to reach out to you....I know my words are not near as good as the words that were written to me when I reached out;  But just know I care and everyone here does also........

I will always be Tanner's mom.......and I will always say he got ripped off only living 16 years.......but someday I will find out why......Like you will...

Blessings to everyone here;  Colleen Filet Mignon; especially bacon wrapped; is my choice when we go to a great steak house....ummmm Cattlemans; my favorite.....but they do not serve olive oil:)

Cindy; Tanner's Mama Gama

[mysonrich]

 

Sarah and my grandchild cat, Winchester. Winchester is from a rescue .

I have the day off and going out to find a pair of shoes for my Flintstone feet that don't have the word" crocodile" in the description. Just not for everyday wear.

Cindy, you said it well.

MaryAnn, I'm in the same place. again.

Betsy,mysonRich

[shellbellsmom]

Rosie, I totally agreed with the other posts....you are so new to this grief journey, you are starting to experience the REAL and are moving out of the FOG state, this is all normal.  I remember driving in my car a few months afterwards and out of the blue it just hit me....I just started screaming at the top of my lungs..." OH MY GOD SHE IS REALLY DEAD".  It was like I just admitted it for the first time.  Oh, the pain I felt when that fog started lifting.  Prayers for you and Amy....you are both so new on this journey.

Kathy you are one brave woman....applause, applause.

Sus and MaryAnn I come and go out of darkness too....one minute I think I can conquer the world, and then in a blink of eye my world is shattered once again and I find myself back into that hole desperately trying to dig myself out of it again.

Trying to keep myself busy....working on websites, working on planning benefits for the LLS, and taking more photography classes at night. 

Everyone wishing you a peaceful day filled with lots of sunshine and wonderful memories.  

♥ ❤♥  Truidi thanks for the pledge, and Carol thanks for lighting a candle. ❤♥ ❤

[heartbeataway]

To all that are "teetering on the edge" of that black hole of grief, I send you strength for this saddest of all life's journeys.  I am so, so sorry ...... and I know exactly what you're feeling.

The other night someone said this and I really liked it.  It's been a lot of years since their daughter died and someone was insensitive enough to say to them that you're still attending support meetings after all this time?  The Dad responded, "Well, she's still dead."

So, no matter how much time passes or where we are or what we do to move on, our children will still be dead, they will still be gone. Few folks understand what that means to our futures, to surviving children and loved ones or to our hearts that even broken, continue to beat.

We still wake up every morning, still breathe in and out, still muddle through the long days and longer nights. We cope by finding our way via whatever avenue that seems to bring comfort and ease the pangs of hopelessness that we feel. 

I tell myself that we are stronger than we give our selves credit for being.  We, even when we don't necessarily want to be, are survivors. We are grieving parents and we will continue to nurse the "miss" in our lives until we reunite with our children again.

That what we do and that's what they want us to do ..... I can still hear Jay in my mind at Christmas time saying, Mom, I died you didn't , you need to live.  I want you to live.

Love, strength and comfort for the journey ...... every day of this God awful journey...

Bonnie, Jay's Mom

[andrewsmother]

You guys are so wonderful...thank you so much...I have a Compassionate Friends meeting tomorrow, I need it badly.  I need to stay here at BI and be diligent about posting and reading, I notice when I stray I feel so much worse, kinda feel like I'm the only person going through this. 

Thanks again my wonderful friends

Rosie, Andrew's mom

[ericasmom]

Guys, this is a song many of you have heard, but we just watched a movie with another class, something I do once or twice per year during report card time so that we can have a little time at school to finish up our writing of comments, so anyhow, this movie, FLy Away HOme is beautiful and deals with loss and life after loss, and the cycle of life and passion so well. The music however, is just so poignant, my tears rolled down my cheeks. Give a listen and let the tears fall, they are the way we cleanse.

Cindy, good to see you, and yes, you have found a way to live your best life, and Tanner is proud.

thanks Bonnie for that.

Betsy, so pretty that photo. Thanks. Go get some shoes, hope you are successful. Have you seen the shoes on Toms shoes.com? Each pair we buy, he gives afree pair to children and adults in the world that need shoes.

Sue, good to see you today, good morning.

Love to all,

dee

[cameronsmom1]

Hey everyone!! Just wanted to let you know that I have met someone in school that lost her son a few years ago in a car accident and I have told her all about you guys and she has asked for the website so hopefully she will be joining soon. She is a really great person to talk to and is really looking forward to having people to talk to. Her name is Kathleen (Kathy) Barnett. Please be watching for her.

I hope everyone is doing good. Braydens angelversary is a few weeks away and i'm trying to decide what I want to do this year. I have been going to see him a lot lately and it has helped so much. My brother and sister have been going too and it always makes me feel good to know that they still think about him too.

My brother has my camera right now but as soon as I get it back I will be posting pics of Ashton. I have one of him in the onsie that Colleen got him and on the blanket from Kathy. There seems to be someone new on here everytime I come. It's sad but they are lucky to have found you all, I know I couldn't have made it through without you guys. I love you all and miss talking to you. Hope to be able to come more often. I just got back from State competitions and got 4th in Basic Office Procedures and 2nd in Administrative Support Team. So now that that is over I will have more time!!!

Talk to you all later, Amanda

[ericasmom]

Amanda, so good to see your Boy here, knowing that he is blessing you in your life and so proud of the Momma that will forever be his.

Peace Sweetie,

dee

[Guest]

Hi Indigo's,

It's a grey day outside.  It would appear we are going to receive more snow, as the weather predicts.  It may just be a tease, though, as it has yet to make an appearance.

Today is my little grand-daughter's 2nd birthday.  We all went to McDonald's for lunch while the children ran and climbed in "playland".  Kaylee was just warming up to the "jungle" of slides and tunnels when it was time to go.  She put up a valiant fight that had both her mother and me laughing (more me than her mom).  With screams and feet and arms flailing and finally going "ragedy anne" on me, we managed to get her coat and shoes back on her.

Tonight we will have cake and ice cream and presents.

Take care.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[hotrod]

[user=19401]heartbeataway[/user] wrote:

So, no matter how much time passes or where we are or what we do to move on, our children will still be dead, they will still be gone. Few folks understand what that means to our futures, to surviving children and loved ones or to our hearts that even broken, continue to beat.

We still wake up every morning, still breathe in and out, still muddle through the long days and longer nights. We cope by finding our way via whatever avenue that seems to bring comfort and ease the pangs of hopelessness that we feel. 

I

Love, strength and comfort for the journey ...... every day of this God awful journey...

Bonnie, Jay's Mom

Hi Bonnie  Your words rang so true for me today.  I guess I am always also teetering on the edge of that pit but with the help of you all I am empowered to continue on One More Day. I have not fallen in in a long time

 Dee thank you for the music :10,000 Miles .  I had heard it many times before but today it certainly  touched my heart.  Yes the tears did flow and that was good. 

Betsy  I loved the picture of Sarah the rescue cat Winchester  He certainly looks like he is King of the castle. Knowing that he is your Grandcat no doubt has something to do with that:cool: Hope you found some glamorous comfortable shoes for the journey. 

Rosie and Amy It is so good to see Andrew and Ashley when you sign in  Connecting here certainly helps me to know I am not alone and that what I feel is normal.  I do not have to "Get Over It"  I can just share it here and be understood.  There is great benefit in doing just that.

Sue I missed seeing ShellBell for a while  Glad you are back  here posting and helping to keep me sane.

Susannah Thanks for the  update  I have attended many a Birthday Paty in McDonalds that ended the same way  Enjoy your cake tonight  

Amanda  So good to hear that you were that successful in the State Competions.  Looking forward to the new pictues of Ashton.

Cindy Missed seeing Tanner's handsome face and curly hair  I agree with all you have said. 

Trudi I hope your trip is going well Carol I hope Damon is entertaining your heart, Maryann I hope you have found some peace, Kathy I hope you have found some rest, Leah I hope mom is doing OK, that your daughter's surgery is a success and that you are getting some rest and  Beth I do hope Blue is enjoying his new home.

Claudia, Greg, Dan, Colleen, Marcia, Pam, Deneace, Kim and All other Indigos  have a Blessed night

Bety

Stephen'smom:)

[zachysmom]

It seems like 9 times out of 10 when I come here when I have a problem tonight is no different unfortunately. I was out tonight with my 7 year old daughter and she began asking questions about death. Her questions were very relevent to hurting herself. She did not outright say it till I asked her if she felt like hurting herself she told me she felt like stabbing herself. I have linked it to the wellbutrin she is on and she will get no more. I already called her psych dr. And told them. So I am now on suicide watch over her. When we get home all knives and such will be removed from the house. I will not be sleeping tonight either. I got her a notebook to write in and we have been talking. She says she is feeling a bit better but if need be I will take her to the hospital.

Please keep her in your thoughts

[hotrod]

(((Beth)))

My dear Beth you and your precious daughter will be in my thoughts and prayers.  So glad you were able to talk with her and discover this truth.

Please keep us informed.

Betty

Stephen'smom:)

[summergirl]

Rosie my friend - 2 and 1/2 months is so so early on this journey we walk...the way you speak of your feelings brings me back to that stage of time when we lost Jessica, I was a zombie going through the days, doing things because I had too, taking care of Tavian but inside I was screaming "let me out of this hell, let me just take my blanket and go lay with my girl, I do not want to feel this pain, this most horrible pain I have ever known or ever will know"...I said it all, I felt it all and just breathing in and out was an effort....my beautiful daughter "was not gone", she "was not dead" believing that if I said it enough times I would wake up from the nightmare and there she would be laughing and loving life....I hate saying that it is a necessary thing that we have to go through but it is the truth. Everything you are feeling we have felt and at times still feel....but YOU WILL SURVIVE this as you son wants you too, as you need to because if you leave this world to join your son think of what you leave behind, the people who will suffer another loss on top of the one they are already dealing with...I am not trying to hurt you at all I just want you to know that we HEAR you, we love you, we walk with you and if we could we would be at your house staying with you to help you....here we are, always here for you so don't leave us, do not feel like you have nothing to say because every word you speak is important, do not feel like you have to post positive because right now that is not how you feel, you say what you want, when you want, how you want....we walk together.

Thank you my friends for your encouragement...it is going to be a diffacult road but one that I must face with strength and courage. I opened up to Barry tonight and told him some things I had not told him before, about the money mostly, he was upset but said to me "WE will get through this TOGETHER"...the sweetest words that I needed to hear because I am weak and I need his strength to meld together with what little I have and I know I can do this. My heart is breaking at the thought of what my son will face as I will no longer enable him but as Kathy said "enabeling him not only helps destroy him, it will destroy you, your family and all that you have in your life"....I WILL NOT destroy Tavian and 36 years of marriage and 26 years with my Jessica, I will DO THIS........you are all the best, my light at the end of the darkest tunnel, my blanket when I need comfort, my shoes that I walk in, my friends, my family and I honestly cannot imagine my life without you all. Hugs

Bonnie - your "froggie blanket" is almost done, will finish it this weekend and send it off but I think you have to send me your address again as I am not sure I still have it and if I do goodness knows where I placed it...I am at the stage where I need a post-it on top of a post-it to remind me what I have to do and most of the time I can not find the post-it....

Amanda - so wonderful to see you here....can not wait to see pics of Ashton. Take care my friend.

Missing my Tavian, he is still at Grandma's which is a good thing as I do not want him to see me this way..I need this time to get myself together so I can be strong for him when he comes home on Monday. I think Barry and I are going to get him a kitten this weekend to suprise him when he comes home, he wants one so bad and I have been putting him off telling him we are waiting for a baby kitten to come in. He needs something of his own to take care of and love, he talks alot about our Kaylie girl being gone and then losing Saffron....I think it is important that he have a kitty to love and play with....will let you know.

Sleep well my friends, stay strong and believe. Kathy

[hotsauce]

Good morning to everyone here at BI

love and hugs to all :?

mary ann

[Guest]

Good morning you wise, wonderful people!

Kathy - You are a good writer!  I am so proud of you for the very difficult steps you are taking to save yourself and family from BJ's drugs. 

I describe addiction/alcoholism as an entity wanting to destroy the life of the person addicted and preferrably take out a lot of "innocents" in the process.  It seems the only way to win when it comes to addiction is to not fight with it. 

Several years ago, when I was going through a similar situation with my son, and I cried about it to some friend, one of my friends said, "Whenever I get in the ring with alcohol, I lose.  Whether it's me drinking or someone else drinking"  I suppose the same can be said about drugs.  It was true for me.

I spend a great deal of time working with other women who are trying to get sober.  I am able to detach from them and if they go back to drinking I get out of their way and let them at it.  I never want to get in the way of someone's last drink.

Unless it's my child.  All the "rules" meant nothing when it came to my child.  I did everything I knew not to do to try to save them.  When I felt totally beaten and bloody, I surrendered them to their disease.  Both children found sobriety eventually.

Your journey is not an easy one, but you are taking the right steps.  I'm so glad you got Barry on board.

Sending you all love!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

 

[lolynbo]

KIMMY GOT PASSPORT WE DROVE TO DALLAS AND GOT IT EXPEDITED...SO OFF TO CANADA SHE GOES TODAY PLZ PRAY FOR HER SAFTY FIRST THEN THE JOB...

THANK YAL

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Still teetering on the Black hole.  I am heading out to Dr appt. and then lunch with a friend.  Going thru the motions and in order to do that I come here to recharge.

Beth I am thinking about you and your daughter.  Please let us know.  Lorrie, prayers going out for a successful job interview in Canada.

Susannah, MaryAnn and Kathy thanks for just being here and allowing me to feel your presence.

Dee, Colleen, Betsy, Trudie , Sherry, Sonya, Greg, Dan, Rosie, Sue, Kim, Amy, Marcia, Leah,Carol and all Indigos  you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Betty

Stephen'smom:)

 

[Guest]

Lorri - Praying for Kimberly (and you to have peace of mind).

Betty - You have to be one of the most gentle hearts I've ever come across!  Keeping you in my thoughts today, too!  I'm in a fairly good place right now, which is subject to change without notice, but while I'm in a better place than I was, I will help hold space and good energy for you to help strengthen your heart!

Love you all!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[zachysmom]

We made it through the night. Elisha has been writing in her journal and it seems to be helping.

[hotsauce]

BETTY, have a great afternoon.

mary ann

[mpsmom]

Hi BI family,

I just wanted to check in and let everyone know I am still out here and doing OK (day to day) , work has been overwhelming and I find little energy left at the end of the day to post, I do continue to come and read all the wonderful and supportive posts, I wish I had more to offer, I do not--- right now my basket is empty by the end of the day.  I did want to let you all know how much it helps to read everyones posts.  I am planning on coming to Little Rock for the reunion and so look forward to seeing old friends and meeting new ones.   My love to all of you, you are all always in my daily thoughts.

HUGS        Marcia     Bethany's Mom Forever

[ericasmom]

Good to see you too Marcia, hope you are well. I have not much right now, too busy and spread too thin right now.

Beth, so glad Elisha is writing. Is she in therapy or social work? It is bound to come out one way or another for your little Girl, to have the weight of the world on such little shoulders, but if dealt with well, she can begin the process of living a good life understanding what happened rather than a veil of secrecy and shame around it. Guilt is inevitable in the circumstances that surround your Baby Boy's death, so she will need a lot of reassurance that she is a good human and that what happened is an accident.

peace and good things to you and to all, still working on report cards so gotta go,

dee

[lolynbo]

KIMBERLY HAS MADE IT TO CANADA..AND IS HEADED FOR HER MEETING THEN STAYING THE NIGHT AND PROB MEETING AGAIN TOM WITH THE "BIG GUY" AND THEN FLYING HOME...GOD IM NERVOUS..............

[mikesmomrs]

Lorri:  Keeping Kimberly close in prayers and good wishes for her safety and success at the interview...

Hello:  everyone:  just coming on to say hello...busy this day, with errands, etc.  Tomorrow I need to pick up Damon and his other g'ma, as she is going to the hospital for surgery. This begins our daily company of Mr. Cute...don't know how long it will be, but every day is a joy and a gift! 

Will talk to you all later.  Sending love and peace.

Carol 

Beth:  so glad that your little one seems to be doing better...

Dee:  take care, don't overdo---though we know it needs to be done, but take care. 

[mysonrich]

Something I discussed with my therapist today. The words of “ RED SOX” Mike come to mind. Mike told his Mom, Carol, not to die because he would/will. Upon reflecting on my own physical health, before and after. From taking no med’s to med’s for BP, sugar, Vit D, couple others and knowing now how one can die from a broken heart. Something “ they “ used to say. SHE/HE died from a broken heart. The breakdown of the physical body from shock , anger ,helplessness, dread. It has taken its toll. I feel I was starting to die from a broken heart.

Rich wasn’t a morning person’ He was fired from a job once because he was always late. Not long after ,he asked me if I thought he should ask for his job back with a raise and later start time. I thought that was a good idea but told him I wasn’t so sure about the raise. Well, he got the job and the raise. He worked there till he died . All broken hearted.

Good luck Kimberly.

Betty, nothing fab in the shoe dept, just practical. Do I sound like my grandmother yet? I did buy two pair, one going back because now they don’t fit right. I think they have magic carpet in shoe departments. I was in the pit with you and others today. After talking the tightness in my chest is gone. Hope you are swing back up over the ledge.

Dee, I like Toms shoes. I passed the site/product along and will order from there myself. I thought a lien pair would pass the muster at work. After all, they are linen!! Not canvas. That’s probably pushing it.

Beth, so very scary for you and Elisha.

Betsy,mysonRich

[daveydow1]

Rosie----2 1/2 months is such a short time on this journey, although I know

that at times it must seem like so much longer to you. Sending thoughts &

prayers your way, that you will have  brighter days ahead. Peace to you.

Cindy...Good to see Tanner's sweet smile.

Beth----Prayers for your sweet little daughter. Bless her.

MaryAnn---So nice to see Brian's smile.

Betsy---Love the pic of Sarah with the kitty, Winchester. Thanks for posting.

Marcia---Nice to see the dear smile of Bethany.

Betty----HI to you in NYC.

             PEACE TO EVERYONE ON BI.

                 Davey&Lisasmom,  Sherry

[aim630]

I am exhausted from lack of sleep, but also excited. Both my daughters were huge Cleveland Indians fans. When Ashley was sick, my youngest daughter told me about an essay contest to win tickets to 12 different games. I was planning to write an essay about how Ashley would love to go to the games this summer when she had recovered, but I neglected to write the essay, and she died 3 days before it was due. I wasn't going to do it, but at the last minute I submitted an essay, for Katie's sake. They just called today & said we were one of 25 winners. The Cleveland newspaper called & even one of the reporters from the website. Katie is so excited. It is bittersweet, because I would trade everything in the world just to have Ashley back, and it will be sad going without her, but it was good to see Katie smile again.

Maybe that was my sign from Ashley that I've been waiting for. I feel guilty that she can't go with us though.

[summergirl]

Hello all Indigo's - before I respond to posts I have to say this "MY SON CHECKED HIMSELF INTO A REHAB TODAY !!!!!!!!"  I am (for the first time) at a loss for words on how I feel, happy, scared, worried, cautious.... It began with a call from my husband that he thought he saw Bj walking toward my office, I was on my way to work, I right away called Beth, the head counselor at the Pheonix House and told her I needed her support on what to do....she told me....I pulled off to the side of the road and Bk opened the door and I said "no, you cannot get in, I am not going to help you until you help yourself", he replied "please just listen to me", I said "No" and I drove away. I went to work and around 11 am I got a call from Beth that Bj was there and was admitting himself into rehab and would I be willing to come in and see him before he left as there were things he wanted to say to me...So at noon I went and there he was, my little/grown boy....we cried, we talked from the heart and then I walked away and went back to work. Beth called me at 4:45 to let me know that they had talked for a couple more hours and then he was taken to the rehab...She said she was glad I had come to talk to him and she was proud of the way I spoke to my son - from the heart, with love but also with determination. I told her I am so very happy but am also very aware that this may not work but I am going to be positive. It will be a day or so before he will call me so I will keep you all updated. Beth said she will also call and check on his progress.  So thank you my friends for your continued prayes, your suffering through my endless talk, for being the family I do not have around me. I thank God. It is the beginning of one day at a time.    Jessica my baby, take hold of your big brothers hand and hang on tight giving him positive energy, surround him with your pure love....I love you my girl, miss you with every breath.

Rosie - What a scary thing for you to go through. I am so glad that you gave your daughter a journal to write in, it will help her to put all of those inside feelings down on paper...how hard it is on the little ones...I remember going through scary things with Tavian, not as bad as you are, but it takes your breath away and the fear for them brings you to your knees....I am praying for strength for you and your little one.

Thank you Susannah - what a sweet thing to say and thank you so much for sharing a part of your life with me....it is hard I know but I appriciate the sharing as it gives me hope.

Lorrie - Prayes for your Kim...I have a good feeling about this my friend.

To all my family I am thinking of you all and may you feel the presence of your Angel's as you go through each day. Sleep well and peace. Kathy

[lostwoher]

 AMEN!

[zachysmom]

Elisha is hanging in there her dr wants her to stay home with me till Monday. She is making great use of her journal. She is having ups and downs but I won't let her go!

[briansdad]

Here is a poem my wife has on a cup.

Tender hands of kindness

Embrace a fragile heart

To offer strength and courage.

When a loved one has to part.

Yet while the soul soars upward

On the gentle wings of the dove

Remember... as we release the spirit

we still hold on to the love.

[ericasmom]

Amy,please do not feel guilty for going to the games, go with that first thought, that maybe this is the sign you were waiting for, I sure think so. I sure do. WOW! I just think that it was great for you to write it and wonderful to win it and you won't be going without Ash, she will be right there with you and Kate. HOORAY!

And Mike is smiling at another angel and baseball.

Rich not a morning guy hu? Well he and Eri either, her motor really started at around 2:00pm. She would call from her Dad's (on his weekends) sometimes and say, "me and Melissa want to sunbathe in our yard so we will be over if you don't mind."

"Come on over to hang in the yard with Meliss," I would say.

They would come over at around 3:30 pm and lay out and wonder why they were not tan. I would simply shake my head in puzzlement...

Glad Betsy, that you liked the Tom's Shoe site. I think it is marvelous.

I also shook my head in agreement to the broken heart syndrome. Yep, our bodies do change after so shocking a blow, and so things do breakdown, chemicals get released that never were there before in those numbers, and sickness can invade. I am blessed with naturally low cholesterol and I do eat right for the most part and take in plenty of exercise, and I take supplements to boost my immune system and replenish my vitamin D and magnesium, vitamin B complex to break food down into energy and help with mood, yet still, there are more aches and worries than before. I was 47 when Eri was killed, and we do have to consider our age when we go through a shock as well.

Beth, you make sure that you get some rest too. Blessings to you and Elisha.

Lorri, prayers for safety and a job that is great.

Thanks Carol, I will rest soon, and give the Cute Boy a hug from me.

Kathy, put your feet up this weekend and relax. Wow how big this day is for you adn I will send many prayers for BJ to succeed with this rehab. I am so glad that Barry called you and gave you a heads-up and that your helper was there for you. Hang tight.

Betty, going through the motions sometimes is enough to get a hand up over the lip of the ledge.

Greg, thanks for the pretty poem.

On this date in 1984, we moved into the house on Euclid Street. Michael and Jonathan and me, 8.5 months pregnant-almost as big as the house. One day, I will share that photo, HUGE woman. Eri was born on 4-4-84 just weeks after we moved in. I have warm pictures in my head.

Time for sleep.

Peace and hope to you all

[Guest]

Amy - What you want to bet Ashley arranged for you to win?  I think it's your sign.  Most definitely!!  Too cool.  So.........are they football or basketball or baseball.  Maybe you said.  I'll go read it again. 

Susannah/Stephanie's mom