I Am Dying...

[marilynwhite3049]

I must make a quick post this morning. The housekeeper and nurse both come this AM. Last night I visualize us, well, our spirits linked together praying for Connie's husband's situation to work as God sees best. For me, I pray for God's will and for the strength and courage needed to handle it best. He knows best and if I ask to live in his world, He seems to protect me. Does that make sense?

Anyway, I am not a faith healer but I used on you what works for me. I included Marks poor wounded spirit from seeing his loved one suffer. God has a reason and we will come out on a better side. I don't mean heaven I mean in this time. Sometimes we might not recognize it immediately. But, I just know that He has our little bunch in the palm of His hand. He is keeping us and allowing us to help each other. I am so thankful.

Today, I will get to go see my brother's body. The director is allowing me to sneak in the back way and have a time alone with my little brother. Maybe then, my mind will truly grasp that I have lost him from my life.

Love and Peace. See, I told you I could be quick.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Connie, I'm praying. What's the buzz? Please be still, and know that He is God. He will see you both through whatever happens in this world. If you need anything, you may email me too. My addy is bluesbassist72@yahoo.com. You've helped and encouraged me during some bleak and weak moments. I'm here to help you and try returning the kindness. I was too exhausted to do much writing last night, but I'm here again. Please pray a little for us, about a nursing meeting we need to deal with. I think they want to force the issue of a nursing home. I'm feeling panic, fear, confusion, and a host of other unpleasant emotions. I'll let you know what transpires from the meeting. I'm praying for you, my friend.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Marilyn, my heart hurts so much for you through this painful day. My prayers are with you while you and your family deals with losing your brother. That pain is hard to fathom by someone who hasn't lost a sibbie. My sister and brother are both gone, and my daughter killed during a rape. Now, I face a very dark day for my wife, who is getting so much worse. God will (WILL) carry us through. I know this, believe this, and follow this hope. We've been through a lot, and God has never once let us down. I pray God fills your heart, and your sister in laws heart, with peace and comfort. May angels be with you to minister to your needs. We're always here, willing to help and comfort. If your sister in law needs to talk, we'll graciously listen and help her all we can. I can tell God holds us in a special way, with a special care and love for the pain we've endured. Thanks for being a friend.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

B, thank you for that proverb. Such wisdom. I shall borrow that to share with my children. I like the way you worded that chapter for Marilyn. Life is like a book. We can't read the next page without turning from the page we're reading. Leaving the comfortable surroundings of now, and embracing the future, is a time of anxiety and wonder. There is always a great gift waiting there to make it worth our time and effort. So much for my three a m wisdom. I'm exhausted. That's why I had to miss being here last night. Have a perfect day, and may God bless you for all you do and are, for you, God, and us, your friends.

[marilynwhite3049]

Mark, Connie, B, you are my grace. People around cannot understand how I cope and when I try to explain the strength you transmit, I can see I have lost them. We must truly have something unique.

I am praying for God's will. Also, I am asking Him to grant strength and courage to us who strive to be strong. We all seem to be the strength of those around us, is that how you interpret each other?

I had not thought that of myself but when I think it of you, I can see how I mirror your strengths. I am thankful for strong people. I feel this is the one place I can fall apart. And I do.

I feel that Mark is strong for his wife. She is fortunate to have another person care so for her. Know that I am sending you good energy every minute of the day, Mark.

Connie, I visualize you as maybe dynamite? You know, not a big package but plenty of punch? Tell me, am I close?

Is anyone else curious about physical stuff? maybe I'm not really curious, I just dread telling you that today is my brother's funeral.

Yesterday I went to funeral home. The same place where my arrangements are made. It seems more real to me now but still feel a little angry with him. Today there will be a military sendoff. I've never seen one and refuse to miss it.

I compromised and promised to sit in a car at the cemetery to see it. My mom tells me the mourners will have germs. No kidding. Like everyone else doesn't?

I am tired of her telling things, useless things, she talks at me. She hasn't talked to me in days. My sister says she is on autopilot. I say we hit the brakes, I want my mama back.

Love and Peace.

[marilynwhite3049]

I see nobody has come since i was last here. I hope you are well. When I think of B out in the world. And Connie, you have a life. Me, i have one and do not want it. Am i ungrateful?

I just feel so out of place. Today, I have asked friends to not call this evening. Out of respect for my brother, I would like to look through pictures and just remember him. I hope everyone understands.

Mom wanted to send food to me but I talked her out of it. I don't think I could swallow it. I backed out of going to see the funeral. My sister asked me to write the eulogy and her husband read it. I thought that gave me closure.

I hear people say closure but I'm not sure I know what it is. Is it acceptance? Mark, you have lost many things from your life, how do you come to closure?

Connie, have you had closure about your Mom? I never thought about it before but I'm don't know what it is but maybe I need it. For my illness and also for losing my brother. Am I rambling? Sorry.

I will eat something and ponder some more. I pulled pictures out but have not opened the album. Who is this stanger who lives in my house and body? Peace and Love.

[bahiyya]

Greetings All!

Marilyn, you made the decision I have made about funerals -- I usually don't attend. I like to remember the person the way we were at our last encounter. Another reason for making that last time a good one.

I like your idea of the pictures as a source of remembering -- yes, no matter how many times we look through picture albums we always find something new and fun to remember, don't you agree?

I think folks use a lot of words surrounding death and funerals because they don't know what else to say. That's the reason you get people talking about how the departed looks, etc. (just like they were asleep, give me a break) Closure is just another fill-in word to represent the ability to see a conclusion to a matter. It really don't have a true place when dealing with our beloved. Unfortunately life doesn't work like a precise little box of "times" that we can place a lid on and say, "well that's done", I've found "closure". Really it does not --

I think that most of us come to realize what you have, and that is you will not share earthly time with you brother, but you will meet again in spirit. I tell my clients, friends and those who will listen to an old woman -- time is the only healer. There are no words or phrases or songs or readings that truly comfort. It is the passage of time when we agree to put away the initial pain and start remember the times we shared. It is times that allows us to continue on and to encourage one another and to live for the moment and stay in the presence. It is time that is our great friend. It is our awareness of our own timelessness and that of others that encourages us to continue.

Best to you and your family --

b

[bahiyya]

Mark --

Again, thank you for your kind words. Please know that when I speak to Marilyn or Connie I am speaking to you, and me, as well. Comfort, encouragement, and love are what we exchange on this board. You all have certainly done so for me.

My continued prayers are with you and your beloved wife as they continue also with Marilyn and Connie. I appreciate the positive energy you all share between and among us all.

Peace and Blessings continue to be yours --

b

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Thank you all for the comfort, grace, wisdom, and prayers. Today is the day she's in hospital, and in the morning, I must begin the process for long term care. If they change and let her come home, it's a miracle, and it's with skilled nursing at home, not just aides. I'll write a little more civil note tomorrow night, but for the moment, I'm whipped. I'm going to get a little sleep, if that's possible. luv ya's, me

[Guest Guest]

Hi I just found this site tonight while looking for information on dealing with terminal illness. I was diagnosed with pulmonary fibrosis and the prognosis is from 2-5 yrs. after diagnosis. It just depends on how fast it progresses. I am a mother of 3 grown children and 5 beautiful grandchildren, one who still lives with me he is 12. What I am wondering is my reaction to this and is it "normal" I have been quite matter of fact and just trying to tie up loose ends and making my wishes known. My son and his wife I can talk to about this no problem, my daughters are another story. Just today my daughter Jennifer asked me who would be in charge of the decision making when I am gone, this is the first time she has even talked about my dying since we got the news. I am making arrangements to have any organs that may be of use to someone donated and then right to the crematorium. I want people to come and see me before I die not when I am a empty shell of what I used to be at a funeral parlor. It is a lot like visiting someones home after they have moved away, my opinion about funerals. I think they are very hard on families, and no matter how they do the person up they never make them look like they did while alive. What I am wondering is why am I not scared, or freaking out or upset, I almost feel like you do before you go on a trip. You know you close up the house make arrangements for the plants to be watered the pets taken care of etc. I really don't know how fast this is going to happen but I know one thing for sure my dying doesn't bother me as much as the pain it is causing my loved ones and friends. I feel very frustrated that I can't comfort them and somehow make it easier on them. I feel like I have the easy part in this whole deal. I would like to thank you all for allowing me to have a place to vent and express some of my thoughts.

[clittlelady]

Guest:

I'm not really sure how to answer some of your questions. I visit here because of friends who are here, who are more personally involved in what you are facing. All I can tell you, is that you have landed in a good place here for support. A place where you can lay it all out there on those days that you feel like you need to, cry, scream, pray or just talk. I guess everybody copes with the news of terminal illness and death differently. I feel that what you shared in how you are coping with it, that's probably how I would do as well. I would want all loose ends tied, the house clean, the checkbook balanced, the arrangements made. Spiritually, if you are peace in your soul it may make things more acceptable. Like I said earlier though, I'm not where you are. My heart goes out to you and your family. I hope you come back and visit again here. You will be in my prayers.

[clittlelady]

Marilyn:

You have been in my thoughts and prayers. I know these last few days have been emotionally trying and physically taxing for you. You asked me about closure.... Mother has been gone 6 months now. It's very hard to describe just what I would call where I am at now. I've accepted her death now. I don't get overwhelming, panicky feelings like I did the first few months when I would think about her being gone. It is true that I will never be the same, I am a different person after experiencing her loss. I have spells of immense loneliness that I can't just pick up the phone and say "I love you". When I first began posting here, the tears would just roll as I shared with others. My husband and I were having supper a few weeks ago and I don't know where it came from, but all of a sudden I told him how much I missed her telling me I was pretty and had beautiful eyes. Those words from my Mother I had heard a million times and I would just kind of smile and tell her "well, I am my Mother's Daughter." I never thought one day I would miss hearing that from her. I just began crying, couldn't stop it. Closure? I think I have Closure. I've resolved myself to the fact that I took care of her and gave her all of me, that I was there for her to make sure she was provided for and had the best care, until the very end, that her wishes were honored (no life supports were involved) and I did bring her back to her home from the hospital, to die at home. Sharing her life and her death with her the way that I did, holding her and reassuring her that it was okay to go when she heard God's angels call her name, that I would see her again, holding her as she took her last breath from this life, cradling her body as I knew she had moved to the next world, the better world where she would be sick and frail no more, these are the things that give me closure. All the bittersweet memories of her illness and death help continue my Journey, for I know that each day is precious and each day could be the last for any of us. None of us know what the next curve or hill down the road has for us. God holds our future. I have to continue until he says this is my day, my time to go. Hard as it is to move on without her, All of those things and thoughts combined do give me the closure and acceptance of her being gone from this life. Most importantly to my heart though, is THE PROMISE of seeing her AGAIN.

I so look forward to the day we meet. Your spirit is a true inspiration to me. All that you persevere now, will be washed away in the twinkling of an eye and a glorious land of bounty and health and happiness awaits you, where the lion and the lamb lay in the lush, green fields together. If we could all remember that we're all dying, that our days are numbered, perhaps people would prioritize their lives differently and develop new appreciations of what they have, instead of what they don't have. I want you to know, I'll carry your memory, the friendship we've shared in this short time, your humbleness, with me everyday that I'm here. I'm making stepping stones for my flower garden. On each one, I'm putting the name of someone who has impacted my life and touched my heart. Marilyn, a stone will have your name.

God Bless you and give you rest until the next visit....

Connie

[clittlelady]

Mark:

Oh my Brother Mark... I wish that you both were not in this place of difficult decisions. I know your heart is wounded. In your darkest hours, God will give you light, he will pick you both up and shelter you in his arms. His mercy and grace he has already given you. Although we do not always understand his reasons and his timing, his purpose is Perfect. His Time is Perfect. Breathe in and let his comforter penetrate the depths of your soul. I give him thanks for you two, for who you are, for what you are and have been to each other, that you two know him, that even in your despairing moments, you reach out to others. I pray that through it all, God continues to work his miracles in your heart while you are watching your soul mate slip from your grasp and into his arms. As a musician, you will be able to turn your mourning into joy and dance as David did, for God's Glory.

*******************************************************************************

A whisper of a sigh, though nightfall stills the weeping...

Peer upwards to the stars, a fragile soul is sleeping..

Awaiting a reunion, her love beckons you come now my dear

She holds the secrets of your heart, until the moment you draw near.

She remembers every soft touch, all the laughter of your eyes

A treasure to her soul until the day she sees the parting skies.

Her hand outstretched to greet you, she'll remind you and she'll say

"No grave can divide the heart that dares to love this way."

*******************************************************************************

Mark, don't worry about me... we'll be okay... What Richard and I are going through is only a test, another one, but that's the way it goes, right? Things look bad, but they could be worse. I'll share details later. We just keep looking up. We're in God's hands. All of us. Mother had a little saying on her wall... I know not what tomorrow holds, But I know who holds tomorrow.

Connie

[clittlelady]

Bahiyya:

It's good to have you here, for your encouragement to me and my friends. No chance meetings in this life, a reason for everything, a time for every purpose under heaven.

Our lives all have different beginnings, we're all in different places geographically, but yet we all have common ground. We all are facing or have faced life altering events and heart wrenching circumstances. We all share in coping with things that are out of our control. We all have weak moments, but gain strength in the friends here who remind each other of the bigger picture. The Purpose. The Destination. We are not final here. This is not the end of the story. We do move on in life and in death. In some ways, I feel I've tapped into a realization of this life, after losing my Mother in August. I had lost a brother twenty four years ago and that was a major awakening moment for me, but in losing my Mother, the bond that we shared, I her only daughter and she was the only parent I ever knew, this is when my heart was tested the most. Stand firm in what I know to be true, let go of someone so precious, live and honor her memory. Life has changed, but I'm a better person spiritually for it.

God Bless...

Connie

[marilynwhite3049]

I feel elated when I see responses. You assure me I am alive. For Guest, for me this board is my sanity. I am sorry for your diagnosis. I also am terminally ill.

I was diagnosed last May. The median survival time is 3-4 months. I was insane for a while. I prepared everything. I cleaned closets, file cabinets, threw away winter clothes, sold my house, etc. Now, here I sit in an independent living apartment waiting to go. I've planned and replanned my funeral. I bought a policy that would pay 50% if I survived 6 months. It was a gamble, I have never gambled or won in my life.

My funeral is totally paid for and is gaining interest as I write today. I feel like the butt of a cosmic joke. Am I whining? My intent was to tell you how I have tried to be comfortable and happy.

I found a support group, for me it was cancer. Those ladies going on with their life after the cancer word gave me strength. I fit in with them when I fit no where else. We need to connect to others.

Also, I had survived addiction and came out on the other side. I knew what it meant to live "One day at a time." God prepared me for my diagnosis through my life experiences. Today, it is a blessing that I got cancer. I have been able to say things to people that I would never have said.

Plus, not everyone gets to plan their funeral. Like, no way do I want country music, and my family would have given me country music. They have been surprised by my plans. Am I making sense?

I'm probably out of time. I want you to know that God didn't bring me here by mistake. I feel it is not a mistake that you found your way here either.

Love and Peace.

[marilynwhite3049]

It's me again. Sorry y'all. I just have to write and tell you that I am praying for Mark and Connie and every hurting heart out there. I can not explain what strength and courage this Board gives me. Plus, I think I gain some perspective by verbalizing my thoughts. You let me do that and your response keeps me between the ditches.

People suggests journaling. I have even given journaling assignments to clients. Why, I don't know. Journaling is solitary. For value, there must be something coming back. When I start running things around in my head, my head alone. I am keeping company with a liar and a con. I know that. I've proven that. I need others. Did that make sense?

This cabin fever stuff is strange. Does anyone know who Clarence Darrow is? He was a lawyer and has been dead quite some time. I've stumbled onto some of his writings. My mind is alert and curious. Why is my damn body so worn out?

I'm whining so I will quit. Everyone here gives me something that I need and cannot do without. Isn't that humbling? Or is it just me? I am praying and it is working.

Love and Peace.

[clittlelady]

Marilyn...

I was about to work on a transcript and thought I would check in here and see what's up... You make me smile.... Your mind is definitely not worn out! Keep it up! I love it. You Go Girl!

Yes, I've heard of Clarence Darrow.

You're not whining. I hang on to every word you write.

How is your Mother and Sister-in-law tonight? Where are they at? I'll remember you all in my prayers.

Hope to chat more tomorrow... God Bless You my Friend.

Connie

[canadamaryann]

Hi, I am Mary-Ann formerly known as guest. I just want to thank those who gave me those kind words. clittlelady and marilynwhite you have made me feel like I have come to the right place. There are many things going on in my head but I don't dare express them to my family or friends. Heck I have trouble expressing them to myself. I start to feel something and then the switch goes off in my head and it all shuts down. Feelings have never been easy for me, I feel like I have gone through most of my life on auto pilot. I envy people who can cry and get things off their chest. Anyway I just want to thank you all I hope to get know you all better. As a newcomer while I am reading all your entries I kind of feel like a peeping Mary, like I am reading your mail or diaries. Your openess and caring you share with each other is overwhelming. I can't help but feeling it is a shame everyone can't express these feelings with others, the world would not have as much pain and sorrow in it. Well I just want to say I feel very lucky to have found you all.

[marilynwhite3049]

Welcome, Canadamaryann. I am pretty new, well newer than Mark or Connie, but I welcome you. I am glad you are here. This Board has helped me clarify my feeling and thoughts. I have found total acceptance here. I can't remember ever experiencing that before.

Tell me more about your illness, your faith, your vocation, how did life get you to this day? Were you picking up knowledge like pebbles while you struggled through past adversity?

Only the strong seem to get dealt the tough cards. But it is okay. It seems the Spirit of the Universe sends a solution right along with the adversity. Sometimes there are also blessings in disguise, I guess little perks. Similar to B's story about the boy looking for a pony? Or did I get my stories mangled?

My mind is muddled, of course it is late, but cancer in my brain is a real possibility. Tonight I feel drained, my son came and I tried to comfort him. He lost his only uncle, my brother, and he has known for months that I was going. He was unconsoleable.

Pray for my family to find peace. I wish so badly I could give it to them. Love and Peace. Your love buoys me up through every situation. Thank you so much for being here.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

canadamaryann, this is a special place, all our own, where we can talk freely about death and how the process is affecting us at the moment, spiritually, physically, emotionally. I've lost my 21 year old daughter to a rapist, and now, I'm also losing my wife to one of the dystrophies. She's now in hospital, and will be tranferred to long term care next week. Our prayers are with you, that you may find what you are looking for, and receive what you need for today. Please feel free to write what's on your mind, even if you feel like you're complaining or not saying things "right". We never take things personally. We'll read your posts caringly, as friends. Hope you feel welcome.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Connie, okay, you may not want me to worry, but I'm going to be in serious prayer through your time of testing. God will see you through. We have to deal with the admission to a nursing home now. I feel like I've done everything wrong. I want my sweetie home so much now. Last night, all I did was cry. He's always faithful to our pleas, and tears. Take care of yourselves. My prayers are with you both. I cried so much reading your post. Thanks for being a friend.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Marilyn, may God give you and your dear family all you need for today. Then, tomorrow, I'll repeat my prayer on your behalf. All will be well again, I know. We're working on the issues in hospital, and next week, she goes into long term care. I feel so bad about this, so guilty about my part in her hospitalization. Everyone said this happens, and it's so true. Take care, and know I'm always praying for you, my friend.

[marilynwhite3049]

Good Evening, Friends: I am so glad to see that you have been here. My day has been good. Last night I called my spiritual advisor and told him I felt drained from my son's visit. He is a bonafide deacon now but when we first met he was just another AAer.

After firing the chaplains with my hospice the other day, he called that evening and left a voice mail. Isn't that neat? I told him I felt like God had called me. You know, that day I told my nurse to keep the hospice chaplains away and threatened physical harm to the one I didn't even know, I told God that i knew that I needed spiritual advisement. This fellow called me that evening!! I just have to share that miracle with you.

Mark, I so hurt for you. Is your wife comfortable? Are they controlling her pain? Is she alert or has the medicine made things foggy for her? Do you feel as if you are with the same girl today as you were with last week? I am nosy, aren't I? I apologize if I have intruded. Please forgive me. I will not erase what I have written but let me say now that you do not have to tell me anything and I am sorry if I have intruded.

Lately, my perspective has not been good. Used to, I could read social cues and act appropriately. Lately, I question my ability to do that.

Connie, I know you are gonna come out on the other side better, stronger, and better equipped for the next life event that comes at you. I can just sense it in how we talk to each other. Do you believe that the Great Spirit knows us from the moment of conception? I've been reading Clarence Darrow again. Damn, he makes me question things.

It has been a good day for me. My mama has been here. It was a week since I last saw her. I was so glad I wept when I saw her. I am such a big baby. She and I talked to and with each other. We really communicated. I am so thankful, I told her of my worries these past few days.

Love and Peace. Mary Ann, thank you for being here. God sent you, I believe that. We will all be richer for the experience. Accept it and be thankful. Welcome again.

[marilynwhite3049]

I just read my last couple of posts. Who am I? Mary Poppins? I sound flippant and blase. My heart is really in about a million pieces and I'm wondering if life is worth all the trouble. I so hate this sitting down and not being part of the living or the dead.

I do not know my way out of this hell hole. Lately, things seem surreal? Is that the word? Kinda like, "Oh here's a script, think I will do this one today?" You know, all those roles we have played through life, trying them on time and time again to see if they will fit?

Am I making sense? Probably not. I am thankful you are here. I am not Mary Poppins. I am pissed off. Just totally pissed off and don't know why. I am so tired of people saying, 'You have a right to be angry."

Thank you for being here and accepting me no matter what script i have in my hand. Love and Peace.

[marilynwhite3049]

It is late, I wanted to check to see if anyone had been here before I called it a day. I was a little unstable in my last post. I hate these mood swings. I feel that different facets of Marilyn just jump out from nowhere.

I guess since there are no instructions on dealing with all these things, we stumble and make mistakes and feel frustrated. Not that i am trying to excuse my feelings and behavior, but I truly feel lost most of the time.

The people around me love and support me but sometimes I feel that I am the one supporting them. If I could be afraid for them, I would. But I can't be afraid for them, it is something we each must come to terms with for ourselves. But I hate feeling helpless and lost.

I miss B. If she is gone for a day or two, I know she is achieving those dreams that are my dreams, too. Her stories lead me back to a good solid perspective. I hope she knows how much energy is propelling her to find that dream that is her plan. God sent her as my teacher at the moment I most needed to ponder questions I could not ask myself. In the name of research, I forged ahead and will always be grateful for that prompt.

Connie, I admire you for being there with your Mom. I wish I could do more for my mom. I so worry for her. Two children so suddenly, I mean, worrying about em all this time and my brother going so suddenly. Today, she promised me she would accept counseling at some point. I am so tired of hearing her say that God will not put more on her than she can handle. I believe that also but sometimes I believe He sends us help and we stubbornly resist it.

Love and Peace.

[clittlelady]

MARILYN:

I read your posts. You're not abnormal.... You weren't rambling... And yes, we all have several facets to who we are and it's a good thing to be able to let one side of you have it's say and pour it out for a while and then in turn let all facets have their say. I think that's how we cope. That doesn't make you "Sybil" or anything (smiling). You make perfect sense, don't doubt that. Never asked to be excused for something you've said here... that's what makes this a safe place, a comfort, because you can get a little sideways and it's okay. And by the way... I'm a fan of Mary Poppins, lol.

Yes Marilyn, I believe God has a purpose for us and knows our every fiber of who are to be before conception ever takes place. For a nonbeliever that's a totally irrational thought, but for me, that's what gives me direction and life.

I'll always be thankful that God gave me strength, emotionally and physically to be there for Mother. I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. My Mother always said exactly what your Mother tells you. God won't put more on us than we can handle, yes, how familiar that sounds. I know you probably get tired of hearing it, but believe me, should the day come that she is left here without you, THAT is what will get her through. THAT is what she keeps in her core. THAT is her survival tool. Hopefull she will accept help when she feels the need. I hope that I can be here for her, should she ever desire to come here. If not this way, I will keep her in my prayers, I promise.

Love to you and Warm hugs from a friend for today.... I'll check in later.

Connie

**************************************************************************

MARK:

We're here. I'm here. You've done all you can. You've been devoted in your love for your wife and her care. Sometimes we come to a place where we can't do anymore. Don't beat your heart up for where things are now. You're still with her, you haven't abandoned her. I know this isn't where either of you want to be, but your love remains true and loyal to each other and God. Let God be God, Mark. Rest in him. You must take care of yourself. You both remain in my prayers.

Connie

[marilynwhite3049]

Thank you for the understanding and support. You are literally the last straw to my sanity. I wonder if God is mad at me. Through all of this I have ask to be of service but things just keep getting worse.

There is not a shred of the Marilyn I know. There is a stranger living this life, I'm afraid of being here for another several months. Why would God leave me waiting like this? Housebound, no car, headaches, knots all over my head from tumors?

I have never been much to look at, I've never been mud-ugly either. Well, now I have tumors in my skull. I have a big one on my forehad that reaches onto the bridge of my nose. Must I go out looking like a freak?

Mark, you are so strong. I pray for you to gain strength and wish I could give you some. I just feel empty. This is the most empty and lost I have ever felt. Thank goodness you are here. I am sorry I can not offer anything but can only take. My biggest fear is that I will be a burden and I am quickly becoming a burden to all those around me. I can see it.

Is God mad at me? If he is, how can I fix it?

[clittlelady]

Dear Marilyn...

God IS NOT mad at you. I don't always understand why some things happen and the way God allows things to be, but I continue to believe that there is a ultimate purpose in the bigger picture, that I will not understand in this life, but one day I will. God's infinite mercy will carry you through until the last day. I've never met you in person, but I know all I need to know. In my spirit, I've come to know you and you are a BEAUTIFUL person where it counts the most. Anyone who is with you and knows you, and has known you and loves you, won't care about your outward appearance. Read your scriptures and find strength in them. Try not to let the things you cannot control cloud your inner peace. "God Grant me Serenity to Accept the Things I Cannot Change, Courage to Change the Things I Can and Wisdom to Know the Difference." I cannot imagine how you're feeling....I can only try. I know your physical will possibly affect your emotions. I mean,that happens to me when my back is killing me (3 bulging discs). I really have to talk myself out of giving in to my pain. Your lifeline is prayer.... stay in constant communication with God. Remember he is on your side and he is by your side. I pray for peace and comfort for you every day. You know, they say it ain't over to the fat lady sings???? Guess what? I'm not evening humming yet? (Smiling)

I hope today will be a pleasant one for you, as pleasant as it can be. Look for the signs. There must be signs every day you're still here of your purpose. God will show you. Be strong and remember you have people here who care very much about you and what your going through. This life is so temporary for all of us. Most people take it for granted though that the next day is a promise. I think once you've been through losing someone dear and close to you or having to live through an illness such as yourself, I think then is when our eyes are truly opened to the reality of it all. We see life through different eyes. You do want to do the things you've been afraid to do, experience more of life, reach out for more than what you're just comfortable with. We see the preciousness of it all, the fragility. I think I can say that if there has been anything good out of my Mother's passing, that is it, that gift of reality, the dimmers being taken off of my eyes. There are many painful memories true enough, but as my husband told me, the past is the past, today and tomorrow is all that matters. Live today as best we can and if tomorrow doesn't come, then there is nothing lost. So each day, I do try to wake up and thank God for waking up and remind myself that THIS could be MY last day. I'm trying to find a new happiness without my Mother being in my world. She would want me to, I know.

Marilyn, love to you and hugs for this day... I'm at work... On my way to Court. I will check back in later. Keep your chin up!

Connie

[clittlelady]

MARK:

My Brother, My Friend, you are in my thoughts today, strongly, as I play it over in my mind what you are living through this day. I pray for your strength both physically and emotionally. I pray God gives you both peace in your spirit. Don't let the circumstances cloud your faith. Keep your Eyes on Jesus, not the storm around you, he will see you safely to the shore. I cannot swim and I can only relate the overwhelming feelings in my grief and my heart torn in the care of my mother slipping away from me and knowing she knew she was leaving me, to that of going under, in deep water, in a darkness that almost consummed me. The faith we've talked about before, that was my lifeline, my life preserver. I know it's yours and your wife's as well. I realize that even though with the diagnosis of the dystrophy and the time span from then to here, nothing could prepare you for where you both are now. Please don't blame yourself for anything or allow feelings of guilt to creep in. Reach into your heart and hang onto what you know to be true. Love to you both this day.

Connie

[clittlelady]

Canadamaryann:

Are you there? Wanted to say hi and see how things are with you today? I would like to hear from you and know more about you. We'll be your shoulder should you need one or two. God Bless You this day.

Connie

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Marilyn, God isn't angry at you. I don't know what it is about humanity that makes us go through such things, and why it seems such dear and beautiful people suffer so, but God is the giver of life. Because He is, we know He will let us join Him in Heaven. It's faith. You didn't bring this about by your will or actions. This happened to come upon you for a reason all its own. However the twists and turns carry you, we are always here as your friends. You have only been a dear friend to each of us.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Connie, are you trying to make me cry (already am). I just couldn't write feeling so badly. The doctors are trying to adjust and introduce meds for pain control, and to allow her less sedation. Not happening, but I'll let them at least try . . . for a while. Yeah, I'm scared. This is worse than what we went through having to face a treatment that could kill her. She is waiting for a long term care placement, then to see if she can gain enough to return home, or the alternative, a nursing home. Thank you so much for being a friend, for caring through all this. I appreciate all your prayers. I'll write more later. I'm sorry I couldn't write sooner, but I was too upset. Take care, and know I'm always praying for you. Mark

[canadamaryann]

Hi Connie, I have been trying to get my house in order, we are putting it up for sale. I had planned on living here through my golden years, it is a log home we built ourselves. We cut the trees from our property and cut the lumber for floor joists and trusses. Now it is just to much, physically to take care of. We will be moving into town which makes my kids feel better, they worry about me out here dealing with freezing water etc. Because of moving into town I also have to find homes for my pets. The one that will be the hardest is my pot belly pig \\\"Libby\\\" I love her so much, but it has to be done.

I have pulmonary fibrosis the prognosis is 2-5 yrs after diagnosis, depending on how fast it progresses. It is very rare and they don\\\'t know much about what causes it. Apparently the immune system attacks something in your lungs but it doesn\\\'t shut off so it covers the lungs in scar tissue. The lungs harden and they can no longer absorb oxygen. I am on steroids to try and slow down the immune system, and I am going to see a specialist in Hamilton Ontario at McMaster U. I know there is nothing they can do but I need to know how advanced it is and what they think the time limit will be. I know it won\\\'t be carved in stone but I feel I really need to know a timeline of some sort.

So I spent two days mucking out the house with the help of friends and family, getting rid of things that at one time you thought were important now they don't mean anything. I can hardly function emotionaly, I just feel drained and fed up. My husband has tried to strike up conversations but I am to tired to even talk and then I feel guilty for being like this. Just want to find a hole. Sorry about being \\\"oh poor me\\\" god I hate it when I whine. I am just glad I found this site and all of you. God Bless

[bahiyya]

Beloved Family

Thank you for your prayers and energy -- yes, Marilyn, I do feel your wonderous love for me. Thank you.

I've read most of the posts to "catch up" and I see we have a new family member. Welcome MaryAnn -- please allow me to echo Mark, Marilyn and Connie's words "You are in a GOOD place". Again let me dovetail on my family member's words -- I'm sorry to hear of your diagnosis, and we will offer as much comfort, energy and love as possible to help you through this process.

MARK -- my spirit surrounds you -- I can only imagine how difficult this is for you. During this brief time with you I have experienced what true love is as I listen to your expressions -- to, for and about your wife. I trust she is in comfort. I know you are in a metropolitan area so you will (and I'm sure have) be able to have the best facility and care for her. I know it might be difficult to see at this juncture, but your continuous care and love for your wife is exactly what she needs, and at present her greatest blessing. It would be terrible journey to imagine if your loving oversight were missing. You are an eternal blessing. Your strength, your compassion, your love, your intensity, your energy. You give so completely and so honestly. You love so openly. It is difficult -- and I can't say how I know -- but I know you will survive this and eventually thrive. I feel you will be a guiding light to others who are experiencing similar situatuions and will encourage them as you encourage us here.

Truly, your core self gives peace and blessings this is also what you will receive throughout your life.

b

[bahiyya]

Connie

Thank you for seeing my presence here as a good thing. You all are as real to me as anyone I know -- and more real than some.

I agree, we are in different locations geographically, but spirit recognizes no time and space. That common ground that we all share is that we are cut from the same bolt of spiritual material -- we are all creations and unique expressions of the Most High God -- what greater connection could there be?

I am sorry for the loss of your mother and brother. I read your post saying that you were your mother's only daughter. Ohmygosh -- I can only imagine how it must have been to physically severe that divine bond. Some mothers and daughters share such a special place in each other's lives. This is they way I feel about my daughter -- she is truly my heart string. It is hard to imagine life without her.

I am an only child with no siblings until I met you all -- and having met you all -- I am enterally greatful!

Peace and Blessings today and Forever.

Your sister,

b

[bahiyya]

My Dear Sister/Friend Marilyn --

I read your post -- missing me -- thank you, thank you. It feels good to be missed and cared for, but know that my absence will always be brief - the missing is over.

I had a cartoon in my office that said, "Some days you eat the bears and some days the bears eat you" -- it seems for the last few days I have experienced the bears nawing at my leg -- can you imagine? But not to fear my Dear Sister, your Sister/Friend is a Master Bear Trapper and will rise to the occasion!

Sooo -- experiencing a little cabin fever are we? Hmmmm -- well, let me just say that the physical is the only restrait we have -- your mind and spirit continue to take you to places beyond your physical limitations. You are sharp, alert and enlightened and you can (and I know you will) turn this time into a most imaginative adventure. Tell me, if you care to share -- what are your most enjoyable travels? Any foreign lands?

Soo, you like my probing questions, do you? I'm afraid you stand in a short line, my dear. Most folks I know tire quickly of my questions and my "wanting to know." Hmmm, well here is the true question of the day my friend -- why do you think I continue my connection with this board long after my "research" is complete?

Have a good day -- beloved -- talk with you this evening.

b

[bahiyya]

Everyone --

OK my last post of the morning -- promise.

Yesterday was my daughter's 26th birthday! I'm sharing cyber cake with you all.

b

[marilynwhite3049]

My heart is glad to see my friends have all been here. To B, I reconciled myself that you had passed through my life and were possibly gone. You seemed like that teacher I have heard about, the one that comes when the student it ready? You came to the Board the second day God had set me down. Your research anchored me, guided me, helped me ride through all those emotions I had dreaded since the first day I knew for sure that it was terminal.

I wonder why you stay with us but I always say a "Thank you." You feel like a gift from God especially for me. Am I selfish? We all love you but you and I are somehow connected. We will meet again and have possibly met before. Later on, look for me, I will sing in a Christian band. I want to stand between Elvis and Ray Charles. I guess you know how I visualize heaven.

I am thankful for Maryann. I remember those first awful, crazy, unreal days. When people find out, they immediately treat you differently. They say they won't and don't but our spirit knows things even if our mind says it is untrue. I am so sorry for you.

You can perserevere. Wimps don't get the same adversity we toughies do. Look around. There are people around you who would be hysterical, totally unable to cope. You are taking care of life, putting one foot in front of the other, that is all we can do, ever. I just didn't realize it until my steps were numbered. And, please do not buy into numbers. You are not median so median numbers don't apply to you.

The way I understand it, they take one hundred people with your diagnosis. They lump them all together, considering no variables, things like age, history, etc. They take this hundred, when the 50th, yes 50th person dies. They call it a median survival time. They don't go any further. Like what about those last 50? I ask the doctor this, he looked at me as if he didn't understand my question. How long did the last 50 last? He had no idea. Needless to say, his bedside manner was wasted on me. I used to have great respect for doctors and medicine. I wanted to be a doctor.

Doctors are people. not everyone is good at their job or even cares about their job. My cancer doctor is great, I am lucky, but she only practices medicine. A Higher Authority makes the big decisions. She told me that the first day. I respect her for that. She would not be pinned down on the median survival time. She would not even discuss it. The chemo doctor is the one who expalined median to me.

I love y'all. God isn't mad at me, he isn't finished with me yet. I might get to tell those people off that I've thought for years needed a piece of my mind. If I only knew my exit date I could go out with a bang, not gun. No, I mean like, something memorable. I don't know. I feel good.

I am thankful you choose to stay with us B. You are my guide. Thank you.

[clittlelady]

B:

Love it. Love your words. Love your spirit. Yes, we ARE all cut from the same bolt of fabric. Excuse me if I talk with my mouth full, I know that's impolite, but I'm enjoying a piece of your cyber cake you sent (smiling). My son, my only child is 26. I feel like I'm an only child, since my Mother died. The last few years of her life though, I felt this is what it would come to. I tried to keep us together, but they became less and less involved in her needs, when she needed them the most. They would tell me, they couldn't stand to see her "like that". It has caused hard feelings between us and situations with her wishes being honored and not putting her on life supports stemmed a bone of contention between one brother and I. I was holding out for what she wanted and lost a brother in the process. However, he is the only brother that helped in any way with her burial expenses (one fourth). I was left to pay the other three fourths, as two other brothers cared so little for her that they never contributed a penny. She literally was being held hostage, as I call it, by the funeral home until my husband wrote out two other checks (for the two brothers who didn't pay). Going through her health deteriorating over the last six to eight months of her life was hard enough. Preparing myself to let her go and take home to die was harder. Losing what little relationship I had left with my brothers was the icing on the cake. I had always tried to look past their faults and shortcomings to maintain some thread of relationship with them. However, after the chain of events (of which I'm leaving out many sad details), I felt that I not only buried my Mother, but my brothers as well. It has been a long six months for me. God is healing my heart, but there are scars left and I will never forget how much it all hurt and how alone I felt and betrayed. My Mother loved her kids so much and was controlling sometimes, had her own set of faults, as we all do, but she would be so unhappy with how the family unit has dissipated since she left us. Tomorrow will be a year since my aunt has been gone. They say it happens in threes, well it did in our family this last year. Within six months, my aunt, my Mother and my uncle. I'm so thankful though, I have no regrets in my role as my Mother's daughter. We did share a special bond. She was difficult, very difficut, her last two years, but she had dementia onset and I had to constantly remind myself that the mean, hurtful things she would say to me, wasn't really her. Oh she was a stinker! She ran off I don't know how many sitters, for one little reason or another. She spared no one. I would be the one to hear her sit and cry because her sons wouldn't come to see her or return her calls. Yet, I'm the one she turned on toward the end. I've had many people tell me that this is common. It wasn't common for me. There are memories that haunt my dreams. Images I try to erase, of her days in the hospital when she was mentally drifting so far out and literally grabbed my throat and dug in with her nails, trying to choke me and telling me she would kill me and that I wanted her dead. Those are the ones that I struggle with. I know it wasn't her, but the desperation in her eyes, the weariness and lost look, I knew she was so ready to leave here. I know she's in a better place now, but it was a long journey for both of us and I miss her so much. What a bittersweet chapter of my life. This changes a person, at least it has changed me. I will never be the same. I've always been a compassion, giving, loving person, but now, I feel as if I have a guard up. I can share here and give here, but the people who are around me, what little relatives I have left, I just can give or share. I don't trust anymore. I still love, but it's from a distance. I look around and see people with troubles and trials so much worse than mine. I'm thankful that God is God. I'm thankful for my friends here.

Talk to you later..

Connie

[clittlelady]

MARK:

You may not feel like posting, but wanted you to know... you are both still in my prayers. Love and Hugs and a couple dozen of YELLOW ROSES to the two of you. Hope you're feelings God's arms around you today.

Connie

[bahiyya]

Beloved Marilyn --

Indeed we are connected, and I believe we have met before and will meet again. I speak of you constantly and share your strength, humor, kindness, commitment and love with all who will listen. You are an inspiration, a sage, a wise woman and I am privileged to know you.

This is for all of YOU -- my family -- but especially for you Marilyn. You believe God sent me as the teacher who comes when the student is ready -- ahhh, you are half right my sister -- but I am your student and you are the wise teacher. That is the reason I stay -- there is a unexplainable bond between and among us -- something that does not have words, nor will it bear explanation -- I believe it to be unconditional love -- the love that God has for us all. I see and hear it in Mark when he speaks of his beloved wife and gently comforts with his words to us, I see and hear it from Connie when she speaks of and remembers her mother, and unquestionably it radiates in and as you Marilyn in all that you say, speak, feel and do. How could I separate myself from such positive reinforced energy. You all are the purest and most honest people I have in my life. Often when I am speaking with others, I think -- why can't they just tell the truth? Do people really believe their lies are disguised? Here we discuss everything without fear of retribution or judgment. This board is a glimpse of what heaven must be like for me -- truth, honesty, simplicity and love. That is the reason why you will find me here -- talking, sharing, feeling and loving you day after day -- without end.

I will look for you Marilyn -- if you arrive before me -- save me a seat at the concert -- I will look for you, Elvis and Ray and listen for your angelic voice which I most certainly will recognize.

Sleep well --

b

PS I love the idea of "giving folks a piece of your mind" -- can I add a couple of people to your list?

[bahiyya]

Dear Connie

Marilyn said something to MaryAnn that I would like to reiterate to you -- she said, "Whimps don't get the same aversity we toughies do." I like that! I'll remember if for myself and certaily you qualify as a "toughie" with all that you have endured. I always look for the pony in the manure and try to figure our the "whys" of life -- I'm sure you have asked yourself, or maybe even God the same question from time to time. But in reading your account of your mother's illness and your brothers' lack of compassion, it was so very obvious that I feel you will see this statement as redundant so forgive me, but I must say it -- You were the anchor for your mother. Absent you, what on earth would her last days have been like? You were there for her to rage against, to reach for when fear struck, to even vent her pain upon. But you were there! You stuck with her and saw her through the worse of times. You are a special angel Dear Connie -- and I am sure your mother is thanking God for your presence in her life.

I am blessed to have a daughter like yourself, so your blessed energy is easy to spot. Even now we argue and fuss, but we are inseparable in spirit. I know that she is my special gift from God, just as you were for your mother.

May God continue to bless you and keep you in the palm of His Hand.

b

[bahiyya]

Mark --

We are all praying for you and sending you strength, love and peace.

Your family

[marilynwhite3049]

Dear Support: I had to walk away and pray after reading the posts. You are my strength, I am thankful, I want to send you back all of what you give me and more.

People can not understand when I tell them of you. They are probably thinking, "Marilyn has really gone around the bend. She never was strapped too tight." And you know what, I don't care.

My life has been blessed since my sister explained to me how my Mom is operating on my faith. Mine, I thought her biggest thought of me was that i was lost!! I am not in my family's way, they are thankful I am here.

For those few days when I thought God was mad at me. That is a bad place to be. God is never mad at me. He can see past the next curve, I cannot. Why can I not trust all the time? It's scary out there without faith.

Connie, I am saddened by all of your experiences. I cannot imagine. We each in our own way have been hurt, but I cried as I read your post.

I am hurting for Mark, you know, I don't think I have ever loved anyone like you love your partner. I never realized what I had missed until you have talked of your love.

I never believed in the love that you have lived and are grieving for now. We must adapt but I am grateful for knowing that your kind of love really exists. You know, I have gone through people like pantyhose. I wonder why God would tell me now that true love really can exist between two people?

Love and Peace.

[marilynwhite3049]

Just one more thing, don't you love ramblers? I hope so. B asked if I had traveled. I am a genuine hillbilly. I was born in Oklahoma, I have made short trips as far as Houston, Memphis, Boosier City, and I have lived in Arkansas since 1988.

For me, I traveled when I was in college. Early American Literature broadened my knowledge and made me want to know more. I was a geek, I loved history. I felt as if I had been to Greece or wherever. I have never been to California and I have not missed it. Since i have been sick, people have asked if there is anywhere I hanker to go. I can honestly say "No."

When I got sick, my friend Diane, asked if I had ever gone to Memphis to see the Pandas. I had read an article two years earlier about Memphis zoo. I wanted to go. In my world, she was the only person who remembered my desire to see the two pandas.

We went. It was a wonderful trip. My brother-in-law gave us free rooms at two of the best places in Memphis. He travels in his work, my sister said they were complimentary. The third night we spent at Tunica.

No, I have never traveled. But I feel as if I have. I am so grateful for books and words and writers.

I am grateful B feels the pull to be with us. I know it would have been a loss for me if B left. Some people never know how important they are, B, you are very important to me. We need you.

For Maryann, please hang on. Believe that I believe that things will work out if you ask to live in God's world. That is the only tip I can leave with anyone.

In the mornings, I ask to live in His world. So far, i have experienced heaven from time to time. You must be waiting for it or you will miss it. God's time is different but he allows me glipses. Maybe that is why I feel so ready. Ask to live in God's world, sometimes we need comforting. His world is much kinder.

Love and Peace.

[bahiyya]

Beloved Family --

Good morning! I read Marilyn's post to us and am compelled to thank her, thank you all for "seeing" me. I believe that is the core need of all humans (forgive me Dr. Maslow). Although safety and security are significant factors in all of our lives, the need to be recognized and heard is paramount. You all see me, you receive my words with the purest of intent for which they are given, you accept me unquestionably, you love me unconditionally. Thank you -- thank you -- thank you.

Mark, we know you are receiving our energy and prayers. Please know that they will continue for as long as you need. Be encouraged, your love is all that your wife desires and needs at this time. You have it in spades. You are loved and supported.

MaryAnn

Please be encouraged. I have discovered there are "highs" and "lows" to this process. Sometimes we believe that we can just find the solution to one troublesome issue and then it will never appear again. Unfortunately that is not so -- life keeps unfolding around us and it brings all things to us. There is no "one size fits all" solution to any aspect of our lives, but continuing the journey, being true to ourselves, allowing ourselves to feel and be loved are the constant companions that will ensure our successful completion.

Peace and love to you.

b

[bahiyya]

Marilyn

I am pleased to see that you agreed to share with me another opportunity for discovery and marvel. Love you posts -- you flatter me and humble me with the same words. My march in life, thus far, as been to the beat of a different drummer. Although I realize it is God beating the drum, it is nice to meet a fellow traveler whose heart resonates to a similiar beat. Again, thank you.

I love what you said about Mark's love. Isn't it incredible? For me it raises the bar for any future encounters I might entertain. But I believe there is something more profound. You asked the question as to why God would show you this love at this juncture. I believe that to be a significant musing. Of course the answer lies within you, but I would like to interject this thought -- I believe the way Mark loves his wife is the way God loves us. This is love without boundaries, love without expectation of return, love without strings, love beyond the senses. The Greek word for it is "Agape", which means unconditional love. Through Mark, I believe God has given us a precursor of what to expect, the thing we long for from the beginning -- God's way of loving us, unconditionally. Thank you Mark for showing us, thank you Marilyn for recognizing and identifying it, thank you God for giving it so abundantly.

Agape,

b

PS Marilyn, I'll check in with you tonight. I have some news I want to share with everyone, but I'm off to school work now.

Peace

[bahiyya]

Ok -- this is the last -- I couldn't close without sharing this small point.

Marilyn, you mentioned your resolve that "God is not mad at you" KUDOS!

This quick funny story, told by one of my favorite mentors. He says, God created humans in His own image and humans have been trying to return the favor ever since. LOL! Anger, revenge, envy, etc. are all human traits - love is God fully orbed.

Peace out!

b

PPS -- Marilyn -- we got an "A" on our paper and an "A" in our class! Hurray!

[marilynwhite3049]

Good Morning: I have made progress today. I asked for an aide to help me with my bath. The service has been available since September 9, 2005. Can you believe I have struggled for months rather than accept the help?

Your understanding and support allowed me to make that step. You have assured me my worth is the same, I only need some help, physically. I could pretend that I am a queen and have a servant bath me as a wish, not necessity. But, I have always liked to face life on life terms, well, since sober, so, I need help. Today, I have accepted it. My aide will be here at 9:30.

The person who schedules aides said they call this girl Sunshine. I hope we are compatible. After the chaplains, I so want to be nice. But sunshine, that is a little too nice for this old girl. Don't be using that happy voice on me. You know??

B, I love you. I can not tell you how it humbles me to think how we crossed paths. The same goes for Connie and Maryann and Mark. But God gave me you so that I would not have to stop the clock. Do you see that? Sitting down has been my biggest, worst fear of all. From the very first moment. When Snowflake and I were the only ones who knew the dismal news from the Merck Manual.

Why have i feared this part? I wish I knew. Maybe then I could crawl over it and get on with being happy. Does anyone have a suggestion? Believe me, I'm open to anything. I got time to try anything. Freedom means there's nothing left to do kinda. Nothing left, nothing planned, just nothing. How driven I was by those time pieces.

Life's achanging, why am I musing? I love all of you. Please hang on Maryann, I can not imagine what you are feeling. I am sending you energy to get you through these baffling, cruel, hateful days. I so hurt for you. Can you see me taking at least a little part of that weight? I am.

Love and Peace

[clittlelady]

Good Morning to ALL:

B -

I so enjoyed reading your posts... You warm my heart. You're like a fireplace to the soul on a cold winter, snowy night. Your presence here is by divine design. Sometimes I feel I shouldn't be here, but I'm not here for me... I'm here for my friends and when my heart is touched by the lives of all I have come to call my friends here, I'm overwhelmed with the Love. It all feels very surreal. Six months ago, I didn't think I would ever have a spark of joy again, couldn't see how it could possibly happen. I'm glad God has the wheel of this vehicle. He's a far better driver that I. Looking at the map, I sit back and view the road's journey, the direction, the roads I've already been down. I know where I'm headed is a grand place, but it's all the little stops along the journey that are such a blessing to me. I don't fear anymore. Thanks to Marilyn and Mark and his beautiful wife and you B. MARYANN, rest in this place, breathe in and be assured that the love and strength and courage that God has annointed this place with, is yours as well. You are NOT alone. I feel stronger than I've ever felt in my life. I will carry these friendships and all they've taught me, for the rest of my days. My Grandaddy always said "You can't keep a Good Man down". I in my youthful days at the tender age of eight, asked him "How about Women Grandaddy?" He laughed so jolly and told me "Yes indeed, it goes for Women as Well, You can't keep a Good Woman Down." SO MARILYN: When you encounter your new "servants" Oh Great Queen,,,,,, (humor and laughter are very good medicines), remember that YOU ARE A GOOD WOMAN,,, you're not down, your fulfilling a plan that has been laid out before you were conceived. Your reward for holding onto your faith will be enormous and beyond comprehension. Your contact with these people who you see everyday, the impact you can have on them can be as enormous as your reward that is awaiting you. Spread the Love, Honey... Spread the Love. Be Honest as you have been. Hey, I'm not too far away from you, I am the Louisiana Belle... I can always slip away on a weekend, if you need me to.

MARYANN: How are you today? You're in my heart and prayers.

MARK: Love to You.

Will check in later guys... gone to Court.

Connie