Loss of a Teenager

[mpsmom]

Enid, I have an idea for your family reunion ---- you wanted something in memory of your son, one if my daughters friends made something really nice in her memory... it is beautiful.....a window sticker for the back window of the car.  it is about 5 inches in diameter, the lettering is the sunflower yellow color of her VW Bug---everyone related her little car to her-----it is very simple ---imagine each line if the lettering making half circles ( i wish I could scan one for you )  the first line says   "in Loving Memory " then in the middle is the "eye'of horus" symbol - this was something very important to her, she had researched all about it.. if you are not familiar with it, someday when your mind is wandering type it into an internet search engine-- it has to do with the soul achieving perfection... anyway i am rambling.. on either side of the 'eye' is 1991 and 2008, ( her birth and death years), then the bottom part of the circle has "Bethany Smith" . The mother of the boy that made these for her classmates called me to ask if it was OK that he sell them to her friends, he wanted to give the money ( at a couple dollars each) to her memorial scholarship fund.  of course it was "OK" but I would like to pay for them all so anyone who wanted one could have one without paying ... I took 20 and have passed them out to family and friends, I am paying for the next batch that we have made.. I gave one to Bethanys grandfather who immediatley put it on the back window of his car, he called to tell me if you center it just right in the lower part of the rear windshield you can read it in the rear view mirrow just like when an ambulance is behind you with the backwards lettering.  I have one on each of our cars as well.   Just a thought, the cost on these stickers is only about 75 cents each.  Anyway I was just so thrilled that a teenage boy that she was classmates with thought enough to do this, i was speechless. ..the love that continues to surround her is a comfort to me. Hope this helps with your family reunion ideas.  Enid if i find a way to scan the item i will send it to your personal email,

Marcia

 

[lolynbo]

WE OWN A SIGN COMPANY AND DO LOTS OF IN MEMORY OF TOMARROW I WILL TAKE A PIC OF MINE, (DARK NOW) AND SHOW YALL THE ONE MY HUBBY MADE JUST FOR ME...

[mpsmom]

what a wonderful way to remember them around the community......

[heartbeataway]

Hi Marcia!

I don't normally read this site but for some reason I did today.  I LOVE the poem your daughter wrote!  She was like our Jason, wise beyond her years.

I have a decal on my car.  I think it's a sweet idea.  One of Jason's friends had bracelets done.  The bands?  It has his name and ARVD, the disease that took his life.

I was at a friends this morning.  She asked about my Christmas decorations.  I told her I wasn't doing Christmas decorations and she commented that she thought I would this year. I responded that no, I wasn't up to unpacking those memories yet.

She went on to say that maybe someday she could come over and sort or help sort through my ornaments and maybe take out the ones that are hard for me .......

Excuse me??  Taking ornaments out that Jason made or gave me or remind me of him will not help ........

Some will never understand how deep these wounds penetrate the soul .......

As Lorri said, and when I read it, it made me smile, we don't have a spare child hanging around to take the place of the one we lost ....

Take care.  I think about you often!

Bonnie

[mpsmom]

Bonnie, I am crossed on where to post, ... but I do enjoy your feedback so '"check for me"' here.  

Marcia

[lolynbo]

I JUST POST WHERE I WANT....THOUGH KOURTNEY WAS 21 WHEN WE FOUND THE TUMOR AND 22 (EVEN THOUGH SHE DIDNT KNOW SHE WAS 22) SHE'S STILL AND ALWAYS WILL BE MY LIL GIRL...

I LOVE AND MISS YOU SO MUCH KOURTNEY LYNN BRACKETT CARGAL

[heartbeataway]

I know what you mean Lorri when you talk about missing Kourtney. When I left my friends house this morning, I started the car and Vince Gills, Go Rest High On That Mountain came on.  I was immediately in tears, I tried to call Rich and he didn't answer.

I went on to Hobby Lobby to pick up a couple of things and he called me there.  I tried to tell him that I was having a bad morning but I couldn't talk .......

As long as my heart continues to beat and I continue to breath, I will miss our Jason.

[lolynbo]

THATS WHY I STICK WITH MY "SAFE CD'S" I DO NOT LISTEN TO THE RADIO OR WATCH TV WITH COMMERCIALS...I STICK TO MY TCM (OLD MOVIES) ALL THIS IS SAFE STUFF...

MY SON HAD IT ON SOME CHANNEL AND HE WAS WATCHING THE NASCAR AWARD BANQUET...THEY WERE PLAYING SOMETHING SAD LIKE THAT VINCE GILL SONG, I SAID KODY PLEASE MUTE THE TV...HE NEVER ASKS WHY HE KNOWS HE JUST DID IT...

I TOO WENT TO HOBBY LOBBY TODAY TO LOOK FOR FLOWERS THAT DONT LOOK TO CHRISTMASY, THAT I CAN CARRYOVER TO FEBRUARY....NOTHING BUT POINSETTAS....SAME WITH WALMART..

IM JUST WAITING TIL TOMARROW TO GET HER GRAVE BLANKET AND SEE WHAT THIS LADY HAS PUT ON IT THEN I WILL ADD WHAT I NEED...I WILL PUT UP PICS ASAP OF THE BLANKET.

PRAYING FOR ALL OF US..

KOURTNEYS MOMMA

[4everjoeysmom]

Marcia, I remember those first several months when I was new to BI and new to this grief journey, I was checking the message boards every 5 minutes it seems. I was desperate to feel not so alone and isolated, desperate to be understood and heard when my heart cried out. Coming here was my medicine, my saving grace. Like so many, I have made lasting friendships here, and I have been blessed with so much compassion and wisdom. I think we all feel that way--searching for company with someone who cares and understands.

SO many have talked about friends dropping off. I know that one too. And some that did offer that I could talk to them anytime, well, when I did, all I heard was about their kids did this or that. Frankly I didn't want to hear about what the living were doing, because I was dying inside without my child. I know that was pretty selfish, but it's a time when it's hard to think about anything else but my hurt and Joey not being here anymore. Some of those old friends I hear from rarely or from time to time--mostly if I initiate it. The friends that are with me now consistently are mostly all those who I met after, those who "know". And YES! People do behave as if it's contagious. But it's just because it is hard enough when mortality slaps us in the face when people we know at our age die. But when people we know have a child that dies--well, that's a whole different take on mortality slapping one in the face. It's unimaginable, and truly people don't even want to imagine. So, it's difficult for many to be comfortable around us, because we might remind them that things like this happen for real. I don't blame all those folks. I'm glad they don't know this pain intimately. And maybe unless one has faced this kind of pain, deep compassion and empathy are like a foreign language. It's hard when we're hurting. We need a lot of grace, and we need to extend grace--though the second part of that isn't so sometimes.

I'm so happy to see many parents connecting here--especially those that are on their journeys at about the same or near time frame. It helps so much to know we aren't really going crazy. It just feels like it a lot of times.

Bless you all, and keep posting. No one ever tores of hearing about all of these beautiful children. And by the way, I post on many different threads. There are no rules for where you should belong according to the age of your child--especially when you find connections in many places. What we need most is these compassionate connections. Sending hugs and hoping if even for a breath, a moment of comfort and peace can be found that will spark hope and encouragement to continue through the journey--together. WE CAN DO THIS!!! Love, Claudia

[ethansmuffin]

Today, it is 1 month and 11 days since Ethan’s left us – We till cannot call our son ‘dead’ we talk about the accident….and our friends and loved ones know and understand…I did not choose this journey…it chose me…..so I am not familiar with what I am feeling, what I should answer people …when they ask the weirdest questions……Yesterday…in the supermarket, an acquaintance ask my me “Are you guys over the worst now?”….I wanted to scream…Which part is the worst part…..but we have lot of counseling and we are well prepared for the questions and the comments that will come…or so I hope..*smile*

 Claudia: I get so much strength from reading your postings…Thank you for saying/writing just what I need to hear at that moment – I pray that God will use you to comfort those on this journey and the ones still coming –

 Marcia: My dear friend…for us it is still so new….but whether it’s new or old…it is the same pain….I will be there…even if I am almost 14000 kilometers away – I am with you

 For me, peace has become pain, joy has turned to ashes, and love is a is just a longing. I am still "in" this world, but don't feel a part "of" this world anymore. Because as hard as I try to continue and adapt to the new normal….the harder it becomes…to do that.

 Currently we are so preoccupied with the emptiness at home and in our daily lives that we probably wouldn't notice if a fire burned our house down….Ethan still occupies our every thought – 24 hours a day – we think about him, we talk about him, we misses him…every minute of the day….You go to work, but rush home, because you are afraid something might happen (I do not know what) and that you will miss a moment.

 Ethan really lived to the fullest – He played soccer, he did swimming, he loved water sport…. but he’s overall passion was bicycles, motorbikes and quad bikes – He was Wild at Heart – If I have to count the  times when we had to rush to the emergency room of hospitals…it will be a lot of times….Ethan had an accident every 2^nd month….minor accidents of course with he’s stunt bike or mountain bike….but never with his Quad…..He went on a school camp about 3 months ago – 24 children were taken on a tractor with a trailer to the dam – one child falls of…Ethan of course…luckily he was not hurt – just bruised –

 He loved music…he could beat box like a pro…to the amusement of all children in the complex (We live in a Sport complex). He was the play station champ…very competitive….even in school…He was sweet naughty….boy naughty….did the funniest things….Two months ago he met this lovely girl his age – that became his very first girlfriend…or so I think *smile*…Muffin…when I see her…I get a warm feeling in my stomach…He was such a funny child….always the centre of attention…..

 We as a family have decided not to attend any social events or family gatherings if we do not feel like it….My cousin got married this past Saturday…We went to church…and then we went to eat a pizza…just the four of us….we did not attend the wedding celebrations…..as we were walking through the mall we laughed and giggled and talked about Ethan….and sometimes we would catch ourselves laughing out loud for something he did, or said….It was a good day for us…we realized that as a family…we will one day smile again….We owe it to him to smile again…..

 

All my love to all of you…May God bless you abundantly..and fill you with peace.

 

Your friend in Africa

 

Ethan’s muffin….Enid

[4everjoeysmom]

Enid, What a wonderful "heart" post!!

I read those words that your friend asked, "are you over the worst yet?". I think to myself, This would be my response.

"The worst is Joey not being here. Will I get "over" that. Heck no! Never in this lifetime! Will I get "through" it? Yes! I am working on it, but it will take some time and a lot of grace and patience. I;m sure you can probably try to imagine and understand..."

And I would leave it at that. If people have a problem with "where I am" on this journey, frankly, that's their problem. Not mine. My only problem is the challenge of growing through this journey... of which on same days I fail miserably, and on other days I feel quite victorious. The days of victory are becoming more and more, but it's taking a good deal of time, grace and patience with myself. So my response above to that question is also how I need to treat/handle my own Self--with grace and patience. To sit and tear myself down for the days I fail would only cast me into despair and feeling like I will never get through this. Personally, I don't know if I will ever completely get to the other side of the journey in this lifetime. I think it's a life journey. BUT, the encouragement and hope I give in that statement is that on New Year's Eve this year, it will be exactly 2 years and 5 months that I have been walking in grief for having lost a child. And in that time I have found joy, peace, comfort, laughter, and all of the beauty in life again. I just don't feel that as much as I hope to one day...not yet. But I am on the way, and that is encouraging, even to me.

So for all of you who are very early on your journey, I won't ever say you shouldn't feel a certain way or that it will pass quickly, or that you won't feel a bit worse tomorrow. BUT I will say that you should hang onto Hope, reach out for common understanding and friendship wherever you can find it and whenever you feel the need--because it can be a lifesaver! AND give yourself plenty of grace and patience for the journey.

Much love, in friendship, in kinship, and in Christ,

Claudia

[mpsmom]

Today is not a good day, Tuesdays are grief counseling in the morning, and I am really not too good the rest of the day.  The counseling seems to help, but then I come home to work,  and my husband goes into his office, my focus is usually shot...and I wonder around the house lost for the rest of the day.  A patient of his has given us tickets to NFR , we are going and for time of the actual event I am "OK" but the drive home gets me, I have been gone from the house 'too long' by then, and I get very quiet and the "silent tears" begin to flow.  I make myself get out and do normal things.......but I cant be 'out' too long.  My comfort zone is this house, where we were all so happy together.  it would be so easy to isolate myself here and never go out again, so realizing that I make myself go out every day , somewhere... if only to the mailbox down the street and back again.  The college brochures are still coming on a daily basis so something as easy as getting the mail is hard.

Thank you all for being here.. with love, Marcia

[4everjoeysmom]

Oh, Marcia... My heart just breaks for you... Wish I could come and sit in your house with you. I would if I could... Love and Big Hugs, Claudia

[mpsmom]

Claudia, thank you ...tommorrow will be better, We came up with extra tickets for the NFR , I have invited Bethanys boyrfriend and his dad to go with us.  He is a nice kid, I have come to find why she spent so much time with him, he was her 'quiet place' . (I think) I have changed her picture..... this is who she really was.  I miss herso very much !!!!!!! 

Hugs to all of you out there helping us all get thru this.

Marcia

[heartbeataway]

Marcia,

Tomorrow hopefully will be better but it could also be worst ..... and that's okay.

You lost your "precious" to borrow a term by Gollum from Lord of The Rings.  You are approaching your first holiday season.  We are 19 months into this journey and I'm having a tough time lately.

We were watching something on TV last night and we didn't understand what was said, so Rich re-wound with Tivo and we listened to it again.

I actually sat there and got lost in the thoughts of, "if we could only re-wind our lives. I would be pressing the button!  And if we couldn't go back, I would fast forward.

Like Gollum, we have lost something precious and I for one am somehow always looking for it, constantly searching.  Sometimes it's in a Black Dodge Dooley Truck or a Black Corvette or a Jeep Rubican.  Other times, it's the wall of the shower or the hawk flying over. Today it was in my memory and my heart and a dog named Jackson that belonged to our Jason.

It's okay to have a bad day, you're healing and you're trying to navigate and find your way on this mapless journey to a place that, I'm not sure how many ever get too or even what it is.

Does anyone know how the term, "journey", became attached to grief? 

My mind how it wanders!

I hope you get as much from BI as I do/have.  Blessings to you!

Bonnie

[4everjoeysmom]

Bonnie, I don't know how the word "journey" came about to describe grief... I don;t actually think it describes grief as much as it defines a path or a season in our lives that includes grief. To me life is a journey, so I think grieving is a journey within the journey... A season for a lifetime in this case.

[arc4ever]

Marcia:

Just a quick note about the college brochures.  We also started receiving mail from colleges about the time our son past in March.  I couldn't handle it, so I phoned his high school guidance counselor and she sent out an email (somewhere I don't know where) to get Adam off of the mailing lists.  It helped a lot, we still get some straglers, but mostly they stopped coming.  Just an idea know how hard it is to get these brochures that we should be happily reading with our children and making college visits, etc.  Instead we planned a funeral, bought cemetery plots and have to make a decision on a monument.  It is not right, and it will never be right.  - Terrie

[mpsmom]

I am still new at this so everyone that sends their love to me, if I dont respond personally it is just becasue I am so overwhelmed by the outreach of love towards myself and the new people on this sight...thank you so very much,  you all get me through the day and nights.  

Terri, thank you for your suggestion, i just left a message for Bethanys counselor, maybe she can do something to make the college applications quit coming every day. I called a couple of the colleges, but it took forever to get to the correct dept, after telling my story over and over... just not worth it...

Bonnie, today is not a bad day, we took Bethany's boyfreind to the Rodeo with us last night, having him there with us kept me from crying and I knew i was with  another person who loves her so very much. 

Claudia, I shared your post about God answering our prayers with my husband last night, as you know I was confused about it.. it made him cry.... our children re no doubt together... I went to Joeys website... I had to turn the music off, it made me cry, but It  gave me peace .. I am not sure why ..maybe our kids are together...shopping together about 'just what to wear' Bethany also was difficult to take shopping, she was very very picky about everything being perfect.....They will drive each other crazy now.

I have to hang on to the idea/promise that all of our kids are watching over us and happy that we have found each other to hold on to  here on earth.

I also copied something from Joeys website and have it taped on my keyboard, I hope it is Ok if I share it with everyone.  I found it to bring me peace:

"Missing someone gets easier every day becasue even though it is one day further from the last time you saw each other, it's one day closer to the next time you will"

It certainly isnt easier YET, but I will hold on to this thought.

My love and heart go out to you all, one day I will be able to help.

Marcia

 

[shorty16]

To all

What a weekend.  I had my company Christmas party on Saturday.  It was very hard.  Brian will be gone 6 months on Dec 19.  The sadness has not subsided, if anything it has increased to "I can't believe the rest of my life will be like this!"

The attendance at the Christmas party was about 600.  I felt like a spot-light was on me.  I would walk past tables and everyone would be quiet.  I know they were saying "That's the women who lost her son in that car surfing accident."  My husband and I left after dinner.

The people I sat with during dinner are all well aware of my circumstances and I fell comfortable with them.  But, with such a large crowd, news of my son's death travels fast, but putting a name to a face is slow.

I am trying to live in the moment.  I try not to think of my future.  It is the only way I can make it through a day without crying.

Why is this so hard?  Why do I feel like I have a spot-light on me?  Why do I feel like such a horrible mother, because my son was car-surfing?  There is no answers to most of the questions I ask myself each day - I just keep asking until I can't anymore.

Colleen, Brian's Mom Forever

[mpsmom]

Colleen,  Do not feel like a bad mother becasue your son was car surfing, we have no control over what they do every minute of the day.... I am sorry for your loss.  You are braver than a lot of us, I dont know that I could attend a large Christmas party 6 months from now..... I will share a profound quote from my grief counselor.....

"Right now worry only about yourelf and your husband ( and other children if there are any, my daughter was an only child) in that order, you have to 'get by' a minute at a time, and 'to hell' with everyone else....you surviving this is what matters most in life now right now."

Dont; worry about other people or what you think they are thinking..... no one matters anymore but you and your immediate family.  I thought this was quite abrupt coming from a therapist, but it makes sense and it works......dont worry about being 'nice' or doing what is expected of you. 

My prayers are with you through the holidays, this is going to be a hard Christmas, I hope little by little , year after year they become easier.

Marcia

Bethany's Mom

[adamsmom]

Good afternoon, this is all so new to me and maybe I shouldn't be on here, but having lost my sixteen year old son Adam, 11 years, 9 months and 6 days ago, I feel I have earned the right to try and help those of you that are just starting out on your journey of grief. So you will know a little about my story, my son Adam was involved in a one vehicle accident on April 2, 1997, my birthday, but lived until the next morning at 3:30 am...We have never found out why he was on the road he was on, or the circumstances surrounding his accident. All we were ever told was that he was speeding, lost control of his truck and hit a concrete bridge headon..it took them almost an hour to free him from the wreckage,they stablized him enroute to Life Star,(medical helicopter) but he passed away during surgery..

I just wanted to let all of you that are now standing in the shoes that are shared by so many parents in the world,  that you will survive. Do you want to, no, but most importantly, do you have a choice. I have found that even though my heart was broken, the world kept on turning and the clock kept right on ticking. My life without Adam has been totally different, empty doesn't even describe the past eleven years, but that would be one of the first descriptions I would give. He was such a special young man and I was told so many times during the days after his death what an impact he had on many lifes, which made me feel good at the time, but I wonder so often now if he ever crosses their mind any more. And if he doesn't, then that's alright because that is how we as humans,are..if it doesn't affect you directly, then you pick up and go on...we as parents have a much more difficult time in doing that. It took me a few years to want to celebrate any holiday or birthday for that matter..He died the day after my birthday and he shared the same birthday with his older sister Candi..they were eight years apart..but this is year number twelve without him at Christmas and we now have three grandsons, so we do celebrate..

I can't tell you when things will get better, but it will...does your heart stop hurting, not totally...can you finally sleep again, eventually..just remember this, we are all different, our children died in different ways..but our hearts are broken because of the same reason...our son or daughter is gone

Do things in your time..no one can tell you what to do or when to do it, you will know in your heart when the time is right..

I was told once by a very dear friend of mine that she admired me because I was having to accept something that was so unacceptable...truer words were never spoken...a parent should never have to bury a child...

Keeping you in my prayers,

Adams Mom

 

 

[shorty16]

MPSMom

Thank you for your kind words.  I can't help but feel guilt over not locking my son in a closet until he was 25.  That is probably what it would have taken to settle him down.  He lived such a full and fun life.  He had so many friends.  We do not see those friends much anymore and I think I know why.  They also car-surfed, but lived.  I must say, those same friends are very kind to my younger son now.  Aaron (15) has many friends that he would otherwise not have had if Brian was still alive.

Adams Mom

It is so wonderful to hear from someone who has lived through this!  I know I will survive, but my life is so different now, sad and lonely.  I miss my Brian so much.

What I have found is that not only has my life changed, but my circle of friends has also changed.  I have had to eliminate 1 of my good friends, because she thinks misery needs company.  She constantly tell me her woes that seem so miniscule compared to mine.  I find it hard to relate.  Other friends just listen and love me for who I have become.

To all - we will survive this together.  My BI friends are here to stay - you understand my loss, my feeling of loneliness and anger.

Thanks to you all

Colleen  Brian's Mom Forever.

[ethansmuffin]

Good day every one

Yes...I can relate to the ON days and the OFF days....and on some ON days you try to quickly run your errands, because you know just like that, your ON day can switch to a horrible OFF day. Yesterday I had an ON day that turned into a not so good OFF day.....and in the end my best friend came, and she manage to turn it back to an ON day....you will know what I mean...*smile*

The house is so quiet, I miss my son so much...I need to hear his laughter...I need to hear him sailing down the stairs like James Bond - the milk carton is still full, the 2 minute noodles untouched...He use to tease his two sisters untill they turned blue....

I really do not know what I am feeling today....today I am just very emotional, but at times I am fine...I know I should not...but then somedays I try to be strong for my daughters and hubby, especially when I see their not well...that take so much strenght...at the end of such a day...I am just so tired....so emotionally exhausted.....

Colleen... Brain would have found a way out of that closet my dear..*smile*..that just how boys are.....we now finding out how Ethan visited his friends during the day with his quad bike......and he was not suppose to do that he was only suppose to drive on weekend at the quad bike tracks with adult supervision...The accident happened on the tracks with his dad there...We do not know why he turned around...and came back the other way...because he knew better.....We can only protect our children to a certain extend.....We are not bad parents...you are not the woman who's child died of carsurfing....You are a mother who loved her son dearly and still does.....if you could have stopped him you would have...my dear...

We now hear the scaries, hair raising stories from Ethan's friends, of things he did...like jumping over an electric fence to get their soccer ball...to the amusement of his friends......we can only laugh now...I scolded him of course..(his picture) ......please find a way and try not to worry about what other people say or think....you do not have time for that.......you need to mourn for your son...

We also attented my husbands office's chrismas party last night....We made a pledge at home that we would only go for 1hour...but soonest any one of us would like to leave we will do just that....we end up staying 2 hours...only talked with a few of his collegues

Adam's mom...thankyou so much for those encouraging words...it is really good to hear that someday into this very dark future that I am now experiencing...I will be able to say...so far I have come......

Claudia...be carefull...I might send you a ticket to Africa....We live in Windhoek, the Capitol City of Namibia, neighboring country to South Africa....We have discovered that in our town still does not exist a support group for grieving parents...Compassionate Friends South Africa are trying to get something started here....so we see how it goes next year-

We have however spoken to a few parents at a recent event "light a candle for your child"...and should this organisation not come off the ground, We will start with something ourselves....

Thankyou you all so much for your encouraging words.....thank you for listening and for being there....

Talk to you soon...and if there is a grammar teacher out there....my apologies...english is my second language....and I think I have become very good in typing with my eyes full of tears..and blowing my nose at the same time....

Love to all of you....

Enid

Your friend in Africa

 

[4everjoeysmom]

Enid, My Dear Friend, anytime you would like to send me a ticket to S. Africa, I would jump to come and see you. I relish the idea... I do hope a support group can grow in your community. I know a few mothers who have lost children here, in Ecuador. I try to connect with them each time I am in their area, just to let them know I remember and to give them an opportunity to share their hearts w/o fear or judgment. It's not quite a grief community, but it certainly has the potential to become one in time. Bless you for looking beyond your pain and into helping others. I found great healing in doing just that! Love, Claudia

[shorty16]

Ethansmuffin

Your right, Brian would have found a way out of the closet.  But, as parents, we seem to look for things we should have done.  I play that day over in my head too many times.

Another aspect of my life that is beginning to change is the fun things I wanted to do, but never did, because of work or other duties.  I am not waiting anymore.  There are several things I want to do before I leave this earth.  One is to become SCUBA certified and going diving in Belize.  SCUBA certification was going to be our gift to Brian for his senior graduation.

Another continent I would Like to visit is Africa.  Enid, you and I should become aquainted and I would love to meet you and share our stories.  I too am finding out all the things Brian did that he was not suppose to do.  They were not bad things that involved police, but pranks or places he went that we had no idea. 

Enid, you are lucky to have Ethan's friends visit you often.  Brian's friends do not come by.  They also car-surfed, but lived.  I know that is why.  I pray for your daughters and the concentration they require to finish their schooling.  My daughter is a freshman a UW-Milwaukee and she is struggling to concentrate also.

Thank you to my BI friends.  I check this site several times a day to re-assure myself that someone out there understands what I am going through.  I know of no-one else who has lost a child; therefore, I feel so alone.  But her, even from Africa, I have friends that understand my grief and how hard it is to just exist.

Enid, your English is great!  We do not care about spelling or grammar here.  We only care about you.

Thanks

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[adamsmom]

Good morning Ethans Muffin...

When I signed in yesterday, I didn't know what kind of response I would get, after all I'm so much farther in my grief than most of you. But, my heart still hurts and my arms are still empty. I just don't have that raw open wound from 1997 and that is my prayer for you today, that one day you can look back and say.."oh, I don't ever want to hurt like that again!" You will never be the same and if you are like me, you don't want to be the person you were the day before your world ended. One thing I have learned from losing Adam, is how to be a more compasionate person..

I always went through life with the assumption that I would never lose my child. I knew people that had, I did all the right things, said all the right words (or so I thought, I know differently now) and went on with my life. And when I lost Adam, I watched people do me the very same way. They came, they said words, they went on with their life.  Even members of my family didn't know what to say to me, much less friends and acquaintances. And more often than not the words that were said, were hurtful. I don't think anyone really knew what to say, so they unintentionally said all the wrong things. Sad isn't it??

But, I want to incourage you not to blame yourself for what happened to Ethan. All the what if's or why didn't I's won't change what has happened so try not to do that to yourself. Oh, I know that's hard to do, but one day, and I hope that day is soon, you will realize that. It won't mean that you loved him any less, it just means that what happened was a tragic accident that you had no control over.

I hate that you are a part of "the group", and I hope that in some small way, I have helped you.

Pat....Adam's Mom

 

 

[cameronsmom1]

I just wanted to share this poem I found with you guys.

Since heaven has become your home

I sometimes feel I'm so alone;

And though we now are far apart

You hold a big piece of my heart

I never knew how much I'd grieve

When it was time for you to leave

Or just how much my heart would ache

From that one fragment you would take

God lets this tender hole remain,

reminding me we'll meet again,

and one day all the pain will cease

When He restores this missing piece

He'll turn to joy my every tear

with thoughts of you I hold so dear,

and they'll become my special way

to treasure our Reunion Day.

[ethansmuffin]

Ethan absolutely loved Christmas....every year he would get out the tree...and start decorating it...we would fill in here and where we think neccessary....That was his job...and he loved it!!

When Ethan was much younger he had a toy box…a big red and blue toy box..where we kept all his toys ….about 2 or 3 year ago I gave all his toys…away to his younger cousins…because the house we live in now is much smaller than our house…we still have lots and lots of boxes stored in the garage….even the Christmas tree…..I could not for the love of me find the Christmas décor….and just decided that…I was anyway not in the mood and do I not have the energy, and since no one is touching the subject, I won't either....I am not going to look for Christmas tree décoration is in that garage.

About a week ago…I ask my husband whether we also gave away Ethan’s toy box… because when we travel now for the holiday’s I would like to take some of his stuff with us…and the toy box will come in handy….my husbands reply was a very firm…Yes we gave it to Malachi he’s cousin…….so we left it at that….

 

This morning at six…my daughter Zionne came running down the stairs….mummy…mummy…Ethan was here!...I dreamed about Ethan!….she was crying so hard...after I comforted her…I asked her…did he say something?...did you speak to him?…..She said he was much younger…about 3 or 4, because he had on his favorite pajama’s…and Yes..she said….he was crying…he was very upset….he told me to come and help him…He cannot get his toy box from that little store room under the stairs.

I wish you could have seen the picture….we all jumped up and ran to the living room….My husband opened this little store room….and started to get some of the things out of there…..in all his glory…the blue and red toy box appeared…I shouted……get it out!…get it out!…I really do not know what we wanted to be in there…maybe still some of his old toys….I remember Tommy the bear,…the little wooden boat….or maybe his car pillow that he loved so much….my husband dragged the box out and opened it……What did we find?….Our Christmas tree decorations…..

We all collapsed in laughter...we were laughing so hard…that was such an Ethan…"moment"…. We immediately know…Ethan’s message and it was very clear to us….ok…ok…stop crying for a while can you guys just chill ….and put up the Christmas tree….and the table tennis (because when we pulled out the toy box..we found the table tennis racket and the net…also gone for quite a while now)

I left my girls…so happy this morning…decorating the Christmas tree……with their brother…..

Today…I have an ON day….I am ok…I catch myself smiling about 5 times already…...when I think of the fiasco this morning…..

In my heart I now know my son wants us to celebrate Christmas, because he is with us..

All my love...my dearest friends..

May all of you experience even a little ON during your day ....

Enid

[adamsmom]

I think the Lord gives us small glimpses of what heaven must be like, even if it does come in the form of a small child's dream..

adamsmom

[lolynbo]

HAVE A WONDERFUL "ON" DAY...WHAT A SIGN FROM YOUR SON....IM ALMOST ENVIOUS..:0

[arc4ever]

That is the most beautiful thing.  Bless you and yours and my hopes for more ON days.

Terrie

[heartbeataway]

What a wonderful, sad, uplifting story!

Yes, he does want his Christmas tree put up!

Bonnie

[mpsmom]

Enid, what a wonderful 'sign' He wants your family to have Christmas........he will be there with you .

Warm Hugs, Marcia

[4everjoeysmom]

Adamsmom, ABSOLUTELY, I believe that too!

[lagrangel]

Enid,

What a wonderful sign. Such a blessing for your family.

                                           Lana

[lolynbo]

LIKE I SAID...WHAT A GREAT SIGN...ITS AS GOOD AS EMAIL...OR A TEXT...WOWEE

[ethansmuffin]

Hi Everyone

Thank you for your sweet comment's on my posting of Ethan's Tree....well the tree is up..and this week we will start with buying very small appreciation gifts.....I now have my mom with me...she came over the weekend, and she spoils us - I know this is very hard on her as well and we try to be there for one another -

Saturday was not a good day for us - it was a lovely rainy (did not rain ) wheather, and in Ethan terms..."quadbike wheather"...but is also reminded us about the day of the accident, which was a similar day.....So after having had a really big ON day on Friday...the Saturday was not well....and the Sunday even worse.....oh! we miss him so much...and yes we going through so many different emotions....sometimes you do not even recognize some of them, because they are totally new, different from normal emotions.

As parents we really try to be there for the other two children (the 2 girls), but it is so hard!....we will have our last therapy session for the year this week - but will resume early January again....we will go to our coastal town Swakopmund for the Christmas holidays to attend a family reunion - We come from a very big family - and have this reunion every year - just in a different town.

Ethan was so excited about this reunion (we had it last year in Cape Town SA)....He was looking foward to see his all cousins again...So we are going because we know he would want us to go. We will however stay on our own and not with the big family.....just to make sure when we need privacy...we can retreat home to our comfort zone

This really is such a difficult and hard journey - of which we are not familiar with - a journey I would never have chosen for myself...so sometimes I think all the times we are not sure whether we are doing the right things....I really find comfort in knowing you are all there for me - that you keep my family in your prayers-

Have a blessed day

All my love

Enid

 

[shorty16]

To all

Getting ready for our vacation has been a blessing and a deep saddness all at the same time.  I realize my life will never be the same.  Our Christmas' of waking-up with all 3 of our kids are gone - never to return.

We have been receiving Christmas cards with only our 2 surviving children's names on them.  My husband won't even open the cards, he just looks at the return address.  I feel like I am being punished for something I did.

I want to wish all my BI friends a safe and healing Christmas.  As for our family, We have put up no decorations, no tree, so stockings or lights.  We are leaving our home - I cannot wake up on Christmas in my home without Brian.

What we will do next year is yet to be decided.  I think of all of you many times a week.  It is so wonderful to talk with others who understand our sadness.

We are spreading our son and my mother's ashes in the Atlantic Ocean on Saturday night (Dec. 20th).  We will cry, but as many of you say, crying is healing.  We must experience this grief to make it to the other side.

Our neighbor stopped by last night to give us a card, some candies and say they are thinking of us.  The way she was looking at me was like she was waiting for me to break down and cry.  It was very uncomfortable - perhaps I am too sensitive.

Our pastor also stopped by last night and I did cry.  She did such a wonderful job at Brian's funeral.  She said something that gives me peace.  Pastor Meredith said "God did not take Brian.  God did not make Brian get on the hood of that car.  God received Brian after Brian practiced free-will"

I am still in dis-belief on how such a senseless act can lead to my son's death.  God help me get through this.

Colleen  Brian's Mother Forver.

 

[lolynbo]

YES I NOTICED IT DOESNT HAVE KOURTNEYS NAME ON THE CARD JUST "FAMILY" BUT WHAT CAN PPL DO?

YOU ARE BLESSED TO HAVE A NEIGHBOR STOP BY, AND YOUR PREACHER..I WOULD TAKE IT AS A GIFT...SHE PROBABLY JUST WANTING TO HUG YOU AND DONT NO HOW TO APPROCH YOU.

HAVE A HAPPY SAFE TRIP, AND REMEMBER BRIAN IS WITH YOU NO MATTER WHERE YOU GO

[iansmom]

One thing I have come to realize is that people that have never experienced a loss such as this, don't know how to act and they know it. They want to be there for you but don't know how. They would gladly take some of the grief unto themselves if it were possible but it's not. They want to show that they understand in part, but realize that they can't possibly because they never lost a child. Some brave the visit but it shows on their face that they can't possibly understand and some avoid the visit for the same reason. They know that there's no pain as great or even greater than the loss of a child, particularly of this age - no longer a child but not yet an adult. We've had - for myself 18 - years of getting to know, and loving this awesome person, looking forward to his falling in love, marriage and our grandchildren with him - all ripped away in a moment. They think about their own children and how they would feel if that child were ripped away from them and believe that it would render them insane with grief and they have no way of knowing how to convey that to us without giving way to expressions of expectancy of sorrow and/or grief, to the ones that are being forced into walking this through. I've learned to forgive their idiosyncrasies like poor word choices, facial expressions, bad choice of subjects etc..., even act like I've never even noticed. It takes too much energy to be upset with something that really doesn't matter anyway. I respond to the kind thought of the visit, the Christmas card regardless of a thoughtless error, they thought enough to send it and that counts for a lot. It shows where their heart is, which is with you while you walk the hardest road you'll ever walk, and they know it (at least the ones that are close to us).

All our pictures of our loved ones will be pictures of - the past - that's been a struggle of sorts for me. I've always been a 'fixer', if it's broken, fix it - if there's a problem, fix it - someone is hurting, fix it. This I can't fix, I can't make it right for my kids, for my husband, my parents, siblings, my friends or myself. They say I've changed, no-one can be expected to be the same after something like this. Either they deal with it or move on, what's done is done.

Ya'll have a Blessed Christmas, allow God's healing hand to touch your broken heart, mend your broken spirit, He loves you unconditionally you know. He loves me that way too Praise God. Don't know how I'd make it without Him in my life.

Iansmom, Faith

[mpsmom]

So that other new people on this sight don't feel like they are the only ones whose friends don't 'get it"   I would like to share with you all an email from someone I considered to be my very best friend, this is the woman who came to sit with me at the hospital after they called to tell me my sweet Bethany had died.  My husband was on  fishing trip 6 hours away and I was all alone here.  She drove over in the middle of the night and stayed with me until he could get back to town, she lead us in prayer at my daughters services 3 months ago.... and I haven't seen her since,( we live 20 minues from each other) I believe she called once, and has emailed (like this one) two maybe three times...

The reason I am 'sharing' this is because I really feel very alone amongst the people I thought would be here for me at this time of grief, and I hear it in other mothers posting here that they feel the same way............I am sorry our friends, for the most part, don't know what to say or do...YOU ARE NOT ALONE>>>>>>

From My friend today :

Subject: RE: did you have a day in mind to do lunch?

Hey!  How are you?  What are you up to?  I have been swamped.  Was here until 9:30 last night and cannot catch up.  I’m sorry I haven’t been available.  Any plans for the holidays?  cg

My response to her was :

Chris, we are hanging in there, I know you are busy and you don’t know what to say….. our loss is completely devastating and a ‘good’ day is one that we can go most of the day without falling apart.  The holidays are upon us, without our precious daughter, this has to be hard for anyone, outside of someone who has lost child, to even begin to understand….. Larry’s family doesn’t call or check on him at all, and other than my Mom and Dad, everyone else seems to have moved on and thinking we should be getting better by now. Tomorrow is the three month mark of the Friday night that Bethany went out and never came home again…..I have found some comfort in a website for grieving parents, they all seem to understand, I have developed friendships there with other people going through this same miserable journey, all at different places along the same road.  We are leaving for Sedona Christmas eve day, will stay there in a hotel for 3 days and come back home.  Neither of us can bear to wake up on Christmas morning here in our home without her.  I don’t know if I will ever be able to even celebrate Christmas again. The heartbreak we are attempting to live with everyday, is borderline unbearable, I think the only thing that keeps us from loosing it completely is knowing that Larry and I are all we have anymore, we need each other just to breathe…..and sometimes even having each other doesn’t seem to help.  I am a changed person, my life will never be the same, I am not saying I won’t ever be able to smile again, but I know I will never be the same person I was before.       Marcia 

I am so thankful for all of you here on the BI website, I wish we didn't have this "LOSS" in common.  Without you all, I don't know how I would manage day to day.   My prayers are with you all, THANK YOU !!!!  Marcia

[lolynbo]

I THINK YOU WROTE A VERY NICE LETTER....IM GOING TO COPY AND PASTE AND PLACE MY NAME IN IT, BECAUSE IM SURE I WILL NEED IT IN THE FUTURE..(ALREADY HAVE BUT MINE WASNT THAT NICE).

WHEN ARE YOU LEAVING FOR YOUR TRIP? WE TOO LEAVE SOON ON 26TH TIL 28TH I THINK, JUST PLAYIN IT WILLY NILLY (NO ROOM YET) BUT SHANT BE THAT HARD..

YOUR DAUGHTER HAS SUCH PRETTY PICS I CHANGE KOURTNEYS ONCE I A WHILE TOO...SHE WAS JUST HOTTT, JUST LIKE BETHANY...THEN/ SLASH INNOCENT.

TAKE CARE..NIGHT FOR NOW

THE NIGHT BRENT PROPOSED...WEARN MY CLOTHES

[mpsmom]

Lorri, we leave as soon as work is finished on the 24th Christmas eve, hopefully around noon and then five hours driving...........

I would change Bethany's picture everyday, but then you all wouldnt recognize me.

I spent the afternoon on my computer looking at all the pictures of her last year or two I have saved on my computer.....soon I will start scanning all the old hard copy pcitures on to discs so they are preserved forever....I have dozens and dozens of boxes of pictures.....that's all we seem to have left, pictures and trinkets that help us remember all the good times......

  I tried to be as nice as possible in my letter to my friend it is just so frustrating....  BTW  she wrote back and said I should remember that Christmas is Jesus' birthday so that is what i should be celebrating.................OMG !!!!!!!!!!!!!    I am sorry... there is NOTHING to celebrate this year, maybe next year..or the year after, I really feel for those of you with other children, I am sure I would find a way to 'celebrate' Christmas IF I had to for the sake of my other children, it has to be really hard the first year or two or three......

Lorri I understand how you felt the other day...the let down after all the excitement of getting Kourtney's grave blanket ready for her....the "Snowgirl" is finished, I emailed it to everyone who cares and "NOW WHAT?"   "NOW WHAT IS NEXT???""""   The let down is as DOWN as the HIGH is HIGH>>>>>

Hugs to all, Marcia  -- Bethany's Mom forever and ever

[averysdad]

Marcia

Your letter was very touching, and very well articulated.

It's been 14 months since we lost our son, initially I had such a need to talk to friends and family it seemed like I was always calling somebody, one day it clicked and I told myself I would only call people who take the time and feel comfortable enough to call me. It's sad how few there are, but the conversations mean much more as these are the few who are still willing to talk about my son. I understand most people just don't know what to say, but I wish they would just say "I don't know what to say" rather than rather than making small talk and pretending like nothings changed. 

This is our second Christmas without Avery, and I find it much worse than the first, we were in such deep shock last year we just drifted through the holidays, this year I find myself quite bitter about the whole Christmas thing, it's lost it's appeal, there just doesn't seem much to be happy about. We have 2 other children, an older son, and a twin sister to the son we lost, It seems like we're all just drifting, a lot of avoidance going on. Christmas is only a week away and we've yet to hang an ornament, we have a tree, but it's sat bare for the last week. My wife and I are already thinking that next year we'll just all go on a holiday somewhere.

With regards to pictures, I immersed myself in all the family pictures and videos, I have backup of backups, and I have started scanning the printed pictures as well. I created a photo-book for my son, a link to the online version is below.

http://preview.picaboo.com/Webview/CoverPage.aspx?album=000000000001D47DBC&user=000000000001CAEF20

 It's wonderful software to put together a memory with.

My thoughts will be with you and your husband, and also with all the others whose messages I read each day.

Dale

[lolynbo]

AVERYS DADDY,

I DONT KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR SON YOU MAY HAVE SAID...IM 6 MONTHS OUT FROM LOSING MY PRECIOUS DAUGHTER KOURTNEY LYNN 22 FROM CANCER...

BUT WHAT GOT ME ABOUT AVERY IS I HAVE A SON 16 NAMED KODY THAT LOVES TO PLAY THE GUITAR JUST LIKE AVERY AND WHEN I LOOKED AT THE PICS OF AVERY WITH THE AMP STRUNG OUT IN THE GARAGE FLOOR THAT LOOKED SO MUCH LIKE MY SON KODY, RIGHT NOW I HAVE AN AMP IN MY KITCHEN FLOOR..THE PICS JUST MADE ME CRY THINKING AND RELATING TO YOUR LOSS .IM SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS, I CERTAINLY NO WHO YOU FEEL....KODY HAS HIS HEART SET ON A NEW ELECTRIC GUITAR THIS CHRISTMAS AND I HAVE TOLD HIM IT PROB WONT HAPPEN, I THINK HE WILL UNDERSTAND, HE HAS ONE I BOUGHT HIM WHILE WE WERE IN THE NURSING HOME WITH KOURTNEY, BUT YOU KNOW HOW KIDS ARE WANTING BETTER...HE SAID ALL HIS DREAMS WOULD COME TRUE WITH THIS NEW ONE....MAYBE NEXT YEAR...

JUST NO WHEN I SEE KODY I ALSO THINK OF AVERY...HE IS SUCH A GOOD LOOKING BOY YOU SHOULD BE SO PROUD OF HIM..

THIS IS KODY IN THE HOSP PARKING LOT WITH HIS NEWEST GUITAR (THEN)

[mpsmom]

Dale, thank you for your comments, today is 3 months ago that Bethany left on a Friday evening to be "out" with her friends, and never came home again, in general it has been a bad day compounded that Christmas is only a few days away.  I cleared out the mailbox of so many "merry Christmas cards, with (I had a hard time believing this) personally written messages for a "Happy New Year!!!"...    I guess people just dont think.  A very good, long time friend, emailed me to tell me she sent a card, (but in case I wasn't opening cards.....that was a thought...but I did open them all--- )she had sent a card, it wasnt a Christmas card, so please do open it... I never knew they made cards of this sort.....she must have searched long and hard...it said :

Thinking of you at Christmastime.... sometimes the holidays can be difficult because of other things that have happened throughout the year....I know that you may not feel like celebrating this holiday season, but I want you to know that I am here if you feel like talking, and that I'm keeping you close at heart and sending lots of love your way.

How absolutely fabulous is that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   This is the only one that arrived that I kept, the rest went straight into the trash.... I never knew they made cards like this.

I took a few minutes and went to the link of your son's life, what a kid he was.... a musician and a true friend to all............I am so sorry for your loss.  I thoroughly enjoyed reading every page--thank you !!!

This is our first Christmas --my daughter died on 9/20/08, I don't know that I am still in shock, but there is NO Christmas spirit, I don't know if it will ever return. 

Warm Hugs to all,   Marcia   Bethany's Mom

[lolynbo]

IVE BEEN THROWING THEM AWAY TOO. ALL IVE BEEN GETTING IS "FAMILY PICS" WHAT THE HECK IS THIS...DO I NEED TO SEE HAPPY FAMILIES? ALL THE LIL CHILDREN ALL PRETTY AND CLEAN AND HOW A FAMILY LOOKS SO "WHOLE" 

WELL FILL THIS.....WHOLE....JUST TRY...THERES NOTHING TO FILL OUR WHOLES...TAKE AS MANY PICS AS YOU LIKE....HEY LOOK "KOURTNEYS MISSING " YA BIG IDIOT (S)

 

OK I FEEL BETTER

[lostwoher]

I have only recieved one holiday card. I simply placed it back in the envelope and tossed it on the counter with all the other junk mail. Its the 'big guys' birthday- so what!? I wont be celebrating for him as he has caused too much sorrow.

[mpsmom]

Lynn, I am sorry to say I feel exactly the same way, except for the one very thoughtful card sent from one friend who also has experieinced a great loss in her life.. She seems to be the only one who "gets it" -------------------Let's close our eyes and wake up next year....how about that?????

Warms Hugs to you all, Marcia ,   Bethany's Mom Forever

[lostwoher]

Going to sleep til next year would be great if i knew it would stop the hurt. I can muster thru the holidays but the pain will still be here.

Such a touching card you have recieved. I never knew anything like that existed either. Hallmark?