Loss of a Teenager

[shorty16]

Marcia

I applaud you for wanting to represent your daughter at her HS graduation.  That is really great.  That is also what makes this site so great is each parent deals with things differently - none are wrong, just different.

Brian's senior class is approx 600 students.  Almost all of which I have watched grow up through the years.  I cannot go to graduation and watch other mothers hug their boys when mine is dead.  My family plans on going out of town that weekend.  I guess I just keep running away from things.  But I am in so much pain usually that I cannot bring more upon myself.

Thank you for your response.  Each of us is different, but we are all dealing with a tremendous loss.

Colleen   Brian's Mother Forever

[dansmama]

I have to say something that I can only say on this board ............. I feel jealous when I see Daniel's friends and their parents. We live in a very small town too. Most of Daniel's friends were in his pre-school class and they stayed together all of that time.  I miss my son so much!!! Do they realize how blessed they are to be able to hug and kiss and even complain about them every day?

There I said it. My head knows he is in heaven and just loving it but my heart wants him here.

Peace and blessings, Marian

"I thank my God upon every remembrance of you"

Phil. 1:3

 

[shorty16]

Marian

You are not alone.  I also have a hard time with intact families.  I used to be one until 6-19-08 when a stupid teenage stunt changed my life and the life of my family forever.

Going to the High School is not a fun thing for me.  Especially since Brian would have graduated this year. 

Sometimes I just want to crawl in a hole and die.  Then I would be with Brian and I would not feel this hollow pain anymore. 

But, I will keep going and keep posting to my BI friends.

I understand Marian

Colleen  Brian's Mother Forever

[tanmanmymagicman]

Marian; I do my best to avoid the lunch time crowd; Where I live its kinda a small town and at 12:30 you DO NOT want to be in town as all the kids are out of school and on their way to lunch; all happy; laughing ; with their music blaring; and 1/2 of them are people that Tanner would of been with that are now so tall and grown I am amazed and sad that my son did not get to finish or get the chance to get to 6 feet he was almost there..........................................................................................

I tell people ; NO MATTER how hard life is and the problems you have YOU HAVE EVERYTHING because you have never lost a child; If I had Tanner back I could lose everything we had today and be the happiest person alive and then with my happiness and new lease on life I could go back out and get it all back for us..................................................................... Dreaming but that's what I tell people because its so true and they do not realize how much they have....................

Peace in your heart today; Cindy; Tanner's Mama Gama;

[tara31]

HI! I havent been on in a while but I just wanted to let you all know I will be back as soon as my sons case is over. For those of you that dont remember me my son  Zac was killed in a gas explosion in 2006. The lawyer for the oil and gas company has found a way to get access to anything I have written about Zachary on-line so I cant say much. I have been having a really rough time but cant turn to anyone because it will be used against me in the court. How funny! Mainly I wanted to let you all know that if you have any kind of court case be careful what you put out there. I hope you all are doing ok and I will be back soon Thank You Tara

[shorty16]

Tara

Good to have you back.  I too am nearing the end of a court case.  The boy who was driving the car when my son was car-surfing is now a felon.  Sentencing is 3-27-08.  No one wins.

You have been in our thoughts.  Just tell us how wonderful your son is?  We would love to hear the good and funny things about him.

Colleen  Brian's Mother forever.

[fujismum]

Marion and Colleen- I am so glad to read of someone having the same feelings as myself about being jealous of other intact families. Sometimes I have been asked if I feel angry about losing Jamie, or angry with God. I can honestly say I have never gone down that road and nor has my husband. But boy, do I feel jealousy. Jealous of other families around me who have no idea whatsoever of the agony of this ( and I don't ever want them to know) It just makes me feel quite isolated and alone in the pain - another reason why talking to you guys is so helpful. When I hear other mums moaning about the state of their child's room, or saying how much they miss their teen who has left home for University, or read articles about "empty nest syndrome" I want to scream out "You are SO fortunate- they are leaving to do normal stuff and live independent lives- don't mourn, be thrilled!"

Our minister's son is getting married and emigrating to Canada and the whole family seems to be traumatised at the thought of this - losing their son to another continent. I'm afraid I'm not very sympathetic about it :? Try a day in our shoes  and then they wouldn't be sad about a child marrying and moving away, with the joyful prospect of phone calls, emails, video links, and long holiday visits.

Sorry if I sound a little bitter but jealousy is a new emotion for me.I feel it is worst at holiday times and celebration times.I suppose it is just another angle on the awful pain of this "new normal" that we have to adjust to.

Colleen I sent you an email hope you got it.

Love to all

Anne

[no40corysmom]

Amen Anne! Well said!

[lagrangel]

Anne,

I can't agree with you more. Sometimes I want to say walk a day in my shoes and then you may be happy and not complain for what you still have.....

                                                        Love, Lana

[mikesmum]

Oh what I would give if Mike had just moved to another country.  Email access where he writes of his new life and all it holds.  Videos to be able to see his smiling face.  Travelling to where he is and sharing his new life, hearing his plans, seeing them come to life....

If this jealousy, then I am guilty.  :?

[shorty16]

Happy Birthday Ethan

We are thinking of you Enid and your family today

Colleen  Brian's Mother Forever

 

[mpsmom]

Happy Birthday Ethan  !!

[align=center] Dance with the angels[/align]

[align=center]Soar with the eagles[/align]

[align=center]With Love, Marcia, Larry & Bethany[/align]

[align=center] [/align]

[align=center] [/align]

[lostwoher]

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY ETHAN.

Sorry its late but I just read the post. Im sure my angel Kayla helped to celebrate as her birthday was on the 10th. She is 22 now. Tomorrow is my sons birthday (24) and he doesnt want to acknowledge it since his lil sis wont be here with him. I for one will acknowledge it by telling him know how much he is loved.

May you find peace and know you too are loved.

From another mom's broken heart,

Lynn

[mattsmum]

[user=16704]fujismum[/user] wrote:

Marion and Colleen- I am so glad to read of someone having the same feelings as myself about being jealous of other intact families. Sometimes I have been asked if I feel angry about losing Jamie, or angry with God. I can honestly say I have never gone down that road and nor has my husband. But boy, do I feel jealousy. Jealous of other families around me who have no idea whatsoever of the agony of this ( and I don't ever want them to know) It just makes me feel quite isolated and alone in the pain - another reason why talking to you guys is so helpful. When I hear other mums moaning about the state of their child's room, or saying how much they miss their teen who has left home for University, or read articles about "empty nest syndrome" I want to scream out "You are SO fortunate- they are leaving to do normal stuff and live independent lives- don't mourn, be thrilled!"

Our minister's son is getting married and emigrating to Canada and the whole family seems to be traumatised at the thought of this - losing their son to another continent. I'm afraid I'm not very sympathetic about it :? Try a day in our shoes  and then they wouldn't be sad about a child marrying and moving away, with the joyful prospect of phone calls, emails, video links, and long holiday visits.

Sorry if I sound a little bitter but jealousy is a new emotion for me.I feel it is worst at holiday times and celebration times.I suppose it is just another angle on the awful pain of this "new normal" that we have to adjust to.

Colleen I sent you an email hope you got it.

Love to all

Anne

I guess we are all 'guilty' of these feelings - it's been almost 14 years for me, my son's birthday is in 3 weeks time and he will be 32 years old.  I see his friends regularly with their families, children, partners and I think 'what if.'  Nobody really understands the hidden sadness and pain that we live with, but I guess they don't have the reality of their child's death to deal with on a daily basis.

I work as a Grief Counsellor with young children, and I know all the right things to say and do, but that doesn't help with my own personal sadness.  This journey that we make is not of our making - we didn't choose to be here talking about our deceased children, but reality says it is true, it did happen and we have to waddle through each day with the knowledge that they are not going to walk back through the door.

The only comfort I can bring is that as time passes and it has been a long time for us, the pain gets softer - but it's still pain and it hurts when it makes itself known.  Also, this life will not last forever - but for me eternity is a long time and one day I WILL in God's mercy be with my son forever. 

I have had so much proof of life after death since Matt's passing that to deny his existence now (albeit a different one), would be denying that he ever lived at all.  He does live on but in a different dimension - so each day I speak with him and involve him in every thing that we do.  I think this is honouring his presence and also his cherished memory.

Hugs

MattsMum x

[shorty16]

The date of the month that our child died is always hard for me.

I want to acknowledge some dates.

Lorri & Monty, Kourtney died two days before my son.  You were one of the first people I talked to.  Our jouney, though different, is one of a child gone.  I am thinking of you on the 17th (today).

Patricia & Robert, Sonya is smiling down on you during this difficult date.  The 17th of the month.  May her smile bring you warmth - She is smiling down on you

Trudi & Mal, Even though your date is the 18th, I am thinking of you and sending positive thoughts.  Hope the smoke is clearing.

Colleen  Brian's Mother Forever

[ethansmuffin]

Thank you so much for your birthday wishes…and for keeping my family in your thoughts and prayers. We went to the cemetery just family, close friends and of course Ethan’s friends, his sister read some poems, Daddy did a prayer – a friend was playing “he raised me up” on a saxophone and we let the balloons in the air, we had 15 balloons –

Something strange also happened – when we let the balloons up in the air – an eagle was flying amongst them, as if guiding the balloons… I truly believe now that whatever that eagle was doing there, was a sign from Ethan…..that he was with us…..once the balloons was out of sight, the eagle was gone…. 

Thank you all for sharing - for singing the songs of your precious children – whenever I feel that I do not want to live anymore – I read your postings and it gives me HOPE….. and for that day I make a conscious decision to live…to get up…to go to work…and to remember Ethan…to laugh about his silly jokes…..and I listen to the funny sounds he made with his mouth (He loved Beatboxing)….and sometimes I can hear them….. 

Love to all of you

 

Enid

[ethansmuffin]

 

[iansmom]

Mattsmum, you said in an earlier thread that it's been 14 years for ya'll. We're about to cross the 3rd year threshold and I shake inside at the thought that it's been that long. I go to mush and I'm good for nothing. Some still don't understand that this is now a lifetime journey to live knowing that I'll never see my son again in this dimension. It's hard to imagine the 14th year crossing, and right now, it's too hard to try. Some complain that I've changed. I don't see how someone can experience the loss of a child and not be forever changed. I say child, he had just turned 18, but he was mine. I went from waking him up everyday, waiting for him to come home, lots of everyday things, to zap, nothing, never see him again. I know I'm not the only one here that was all about my kids. Pushing for education enjoying the sports they played. Being the best mom I knew how to be which includes all the warnings of problem areas and potential danger. They have minds of their own and make choices based on their limited knowledge and understanding which we all have until we have an experience. This is one I hoped to NEVER walk through. Nobody would. I guess it’s just unsettling the thought of living that long to never see my heart and here you are doing it. My niece, who was very close to Ian, came to me a couple days ago sharing about how someone approached her not understanding why I was still so upset, so sad and all she could do was explain how she felt then told them to multiply that times 100. My prayers extend to you in your loss, though it’s 14 years it could still seem like yesterday at times. To be that long without those arms around your neck can only intensify the loss. Have a Blessed Day.

Iansmom, Faith, I just found this pic a couple days ago. It's like finding hidden treasure. 

[mattsmum]

[user=15923]iansmom[/user] wrote:

Mattsmum, you said in an earlier thread that it's been 14 years for ya'll. We're about to cross the 3rd year threshold and I shake inside at the thought that it's been that long. I go to mush and I'm good for nothing. Some still don't understand that this is now a lifetime journey to live knowing that I'll never see my son again in this dimension. It's hard to imagine the 14th year crossing, and right now, it's too hard to try. Some complain that I've changed. I don't see how someone can experience the loss of a child and not be forever changed. I say child, he had just turned 18, but he was mine. I went from waking him up everyday, waiting for him to come home, lots of everyday things, to zap, nothing, never see him again. I know I'm not the only one here that was all about my kids. Pushing for education enjoying the sports they played. Being the best mom I knew how to be which includes all the warnings of problem areas and potential danger. They have minds of their own and make choices based on their limited knowledge and understanding which we all have until we have an experience. This is one I hoped to NEVER walk through. Nobody would. I guess it’s just unsettling the thought of living that long to never see my heart and here you are doing it. My niece, who was very close to Ian, came to me a couple days ago sharing about how someone approached her not understanding why I was still so upset, so sad and all she could do was explain how she felt then told them to multiply that times 100. My prayers extend to you in your loss, though it’s 14 years it could still seem like yesterday at times. To be that long without those arms around your neck can only intensify the loss. Have a Blessed Day.

Iansmom, Faith, I just found this pic a couple days ago. It's like finding hidden treasure.

Hi Faith, thank you for your kind words.  I must say your boy, Ian looks to be a beautiful child.  I love the picture on the horse - I ride and I know what pleasure it brings and to see him so vibrant and happy must bring a mixture of sadness and pride.

People who have never lost a child, do not understand our pain, sorrow and grief.  Of course they don't - how can they?  They still have their children and enjoy each day, knowing they are alive and happy.  For us, 'the special club' we push on each day, coping with the loss and living that life without our kids.

You are right, 14 years is like yesterday - I still carry the sadness of his passing, cherish the memories of that last day with him.  I wish I had said more to him, comforted him in his last moments, but fear and sadness, kept me from saying what I wanted to say.  But one thing I know, is that he is safe and nothing can touch him again.  All of our children are safe, they are very much alive, albeit in a different dimension.

A few weeks after my son died, my brother in law woke up around 3 o'clock in the morning.  He said he felt as if someone had sat down at the bottom of his bed.  He sat up, looked and saw my son sitting at the bottom of the bed.  He was dressed in what we buried him in.  My brother in law was surprised but not frightened.  My son looked at him and gave him the biggest smile ever - then he 'rose up and went through the wall.'

So you see, they are safe.  We have had strange things happen since he has died and I know that it is his little way of telling me he is ok.  I was once a sceptic about loved ones coming back to show themselves, but I have had way too much evidence to deny it!

Three years is still a short time - be kind to yourself and don't even contemplate the future.  It is difficult enough coping with each day.  I pray that your son's anniversary will bring you peace in your heart, but I know that there will also be pain and sadness and many tears. 

It will be my son's birthday in March and he would have been 32 years old - that is so strange that we are slowly getting nearer to the fact that he would have been dead as long as he would have been alive.  That is quite a profound thought and makes me feel really sad.

Gerry x

Also wanted to say that I have looked at many of your children on this site, they are all so beautiful.

[shorty16]

Gerry

The story about your brother-in-law seeing your son took my breath away.  It is 8 months today since my beautiful son Brian was killed.  I know I am living a nightmare and I want so much to see my son, to have him come to me in a dream.

He never has.  I do not even dream about him.  I do not know why.  My daughter has dreams, but they are bad ones.  She was at the accident scene right away and saw Brian's face.  She said she will never forget that look in his eyes.  I wonder if Brian knew he was going to die?  All the counselors and professionals say NO, teenagers do not thnk like that.  But Brian was really bad and died within minutes of hitting the ground.

We are all walking this tightrope of I want my life back to I know that will never happen.

Thank you for the story of your Brother-in-law, I would love to hear other stories like that.  Perhaps I will be lucky enough to have that happen to me.

Colleen  Brian's Mother forever

[mattsmum]

[user=20150]shorty16[/user] wrote:

Gerry

The story about your brother-in-law seeing your son took my breath away.  It is 8 months today since my beautiful son Brian was killed.  I know I am living a nightmare and I want so much to see my son, to have him come to me in a dream.

He never has.  I do not even dream about him.  I do not know why.  My daughter has dreams, but they are bad ones.  She was at the accident scene right away and saw Brian's face.  She said she will never forget that look in his eyes.  I wonder if Brian knew he was going to die?  All the counselors and professionals say NO, teenagers do not thnk like that.  But Brian was really bad and died within minutes of hitting the ground.

We are all walking this tightrope of I want my life back to I know that will never happen.

Thank you for the story of your Brother-in-law, I would love to hear other stories like that.  Perhaps I will be lucky enough to have that happen to me.

Colleen  Brian's Mother forever

Colleen, I am sorry for your sad loss.  I have been told that sometimes our grief and sadness keep our loved ones from visiting us.  I never have seen my son, but I have felt him once and that was profound.

My brother in law kept this from us for some time as he thought it would upset us. But I wanted a sign, I wanted to know Matt was ok!  He shared this with us about 5 years ago.

I have so many stories I could share with you - I don't want to bore you so I will just tell you one for the time being.  If you would like to hear more, then I am only happy to share them with you and perhaps give you comfort and hope that one day, you too will have such an experience.  Maybe your son has tried to let you know he is ok but you might have missed the sign.  Be open to anything different - they really are around us, we just have to know when they call;)

The Radio

My daughter gave us her old radio/hifi system about 5 years ago, she was chucking it out and although it wasn't a really new one, it was serviceable so I took it. 

Now we have turned my son's bedroom into a computer study room and I have all my books here, DVD's, CD's and lots of my son's nick-nacks around.  This is my retreat and I spend such a lot of time here amongst his photos and knowing this is where he once slept.  Anyhow, the radio is never left on standby, I switch it off before going to bed, but it's still plugged into the mains.

One night apparently, my hubby jumped out of bed after hearing the radio blazing away around midnight.  Now I was fast asleep and never heard the radio or my husband get out of bed.  But the next morning he told me that the radio got louder, like somebody was turning it up:shock:

A week later, we were fast asleep and it was around midnight.  Again the radio came on and this time, I heard it.  It did get louder as if somebody was turning it up.  We rushed into the room - of course there was nobody there.  We just looked at each other in astonishment.  I distinctly remember turning it off - but why would it get louder and louder?

The next day, I phoned my daughter and was telling her about what happened, suddenly she cut me short.  She was shocked and said, 'No way!'  I asked her what she meant and she said, 'Last night Dan and I were fast asleep, and his clock radio suddenly came on really LOUD.  Thing is mum, it is set to go off at 6 am and this was, MIDNIGHT.'

To say we were shocked, is an understatement - we were flabbergasted.  My son was always fond of jokes and practical ones at that.  It could only have been him - I think he was just telling us that he was still very much around!!

Gerry x

[shorty16]

Gerry

I love the stories.  They do not bore me.  You are right, perhaps he is trying to contact me, but my grief does not allow it.

I will be more open.

Please tell us more!!!!!

Colleen  Brian's Mother forever.

[mattsmum]

[user=20150]shorty16[/user] wrote:

Gerry

I love the stories.  They do not bore me.  You are right, perhaps he is trying to contact me, but my grief does not allow it.

I will be more open.

Please tell us more!!!!!

Colleen  Brian's Mother forever.

Ok I will send in some more for you - gosh I have had a bad day today.  My mother found an old picture of my son, one I hadn't seen before and I just burst out crying.  I am a wreck today - this happens every year before his birthday.  I find his birthday harder than his anniversary for some reason.

The Lamp:

After we had changed Matt's room into a computer/study room, I decided that I wanted a lamp that he loved.  It's one of those ones you use for study's, it can be raised up and down. 

The day I got it home, I turned it on and every so often, the lamp would flash on and off.  Oh blast, I thought to myself, trust me to buy a duff bulb!  So I fiddled with it.  turned it on and it started flashing again.  Stupidly, or so I thought at the time, I said out loud, 'Hey Mattie, if that is you flash twice!'  The lamp flashed twice...lol, if you could have seen my face it was a picture, I suspect.  Again feeling a bit weird but confident it was a fluke, I said, 'Ok flash four times.'  The lamp flashed 4 times.  By now I was a bit freaky.  The paranormal sort of scares me, but part of me was urging me to ask again - 'Baby, if that really is you, flash quickly twice.'  The lamp went crazy twice.

I knew then it was my son!  I thanked him for coming to visit me and I said, 'ok baby, thank you, you can go now.  I love you!!'  The lamp flashed three times!  It has never misbehaved since.

Now some would say, you had a faulty bulb and it was just coincidence.  Maybe, but to me, it was my son - I know it.

Gerry x

[shorty16]

Gerry

OMG-------  I want so much to have Brian come to me.  Your stories give me hope.  keep them coming.

I also am having a hard day.  It is the 19th today.  I seem to count the months from the 19th to the 19th.  I have to try and stop that.

You are right.  My son's first birthday after his death was 1 month (He died 6-19-09 and his 17th birthday is 7-12).  It was the second worst day of my life.  I literally felt like I could not breath, I cried so much my eyes hurt.  I dread his birthday.  But this year will be his 18th birthday and I think I am going to follow suit with my BI friends and release balloons with lights on them.  Even though it will be tough, I am hoping it will not be as bad as last year.

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you

You give me hope that I may just feel, smell, touch, kiss him again.

Colleen  Brian's Mother forever

 

[mattsmum]

[user=20150]shorty16[/user] wrote:

Gerry

OMG-------  I want so much to have Brian come to me.  Your stories give me hope.  keep them coming.

I also am having a hard day.  It is the 19th today.  I seem to count the months from the 19th to the 19th.  I have to try and stop that.

You are right.  My son's first birthday after his death was 1 month (He died 6-19-09 and his 17th birthday is 7-12).  It was the second worst day of my life.  I literally felt like I could not breath, I cried so much my eyes hurt.  I dread his birthday.  But this year will be his 18th birthday and I think I am going to follow suit with my BI friends and release balloons with lights on them.  Even though it will be tough, I am hoping it will not be as bad as last year.

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you

You give me hope that I may just feel, smell, touch, kiss him again.

Colleen  Brian's Mother forever

 

Colleen, sadly it is true, every birthday, every anniversary will bring us to our knees - whether it is 1 year or 30 years.  We will always miss our children.  Lol, if you could see my eyes now, they are swollen and red and sting like crazy.  I have had such an awful day.  See even for me, nearly 14 years down the line, it still hurts soooo much.

My son died 5 months after his 18th birthday - I found his 21st the hardest.  I kept thinking, he would be officially a man.  But then when it was our 25th wedding anniversary, he was missing, our daughter's wedding, he was missing, our first grandchild, he was missing and so it goes on:(  Never ends.

I will give you one more story for today - please believe me, all these stories are TRUE.  I would never mislead anybody especially those who are newly grieving - they are meant to bring hope and comfort.

Matt's touch:

Ok, my eldest child, Claire was expecting her first child.  She'd been married for two years and I was praying she would soon try for a baby.  One day she came round in absolute tears - she was almost 12 weeks pregnant but for some reason, the hospital could not find the heartbeat.  We were devastated.  They told her to go away for a week and wait for a spontaneous miscarriage (which never happened:()

One night I was deep in prayer, praying hard for this baby to be alive.  I remember saying to God, 'Please let this little being be alive, we have been through so much...' I was very distressed and crying.

Suddenly (and you must know that there was NOBODY in the room with me), somebody put their hands on my shoulder and squeezed my shoulder.  Boy did I jump - I turned around (I was in bed) thinking hubby had come in, but there was nobody there:shock:

'thank you God' I whispered, 'thank you for letting my son come back and comfort me.'  I just KNOW it was Matt - it was as if God put it into my head.

I do believe that if you want Brian to come to you, he will - be open to the fact, try to clear away the pain and sadness (hard I know) and give yourself up to prayer and beseech God with all of your heart.  Something will happen I just know it.

Gerry x

[mpsmom]

Gerry, thank you for sharing your stories ..... I to have experiened several 'signs' that Bethany is with us, watching over us.  I am not very good at tellig the stories in writing but I know she comes, she terrorizes our birds ( not a bad thing---she did this when she was alive)    I open her room every morning, open the blinds to let the sun in, and feed her fish.  Sometimes things are moved in her room, there is only my husband and myself, no one has been in the house in months, and still things have changed in her room.  Once right after she died, it must have only been a month or so, I would leave the light from her fishtank on at night as a night light when I closed her room ( pulled the blinds, turned off the lamps and closed the bathroom  and closet doors) I woke up in the middle of the night, I saw a bright light coming from under her door, I sat up in bed, It scared me, i knew positively I had turned everything off, it was one of my ways of 'coping' --'putting her to bed at night' ..... I am annoyed at myself now that i did not open her door, I got up and stood outside her door and was afraid to open it.  I am sure now, that she was here that night.The next morning I remembered everything and when the sun was up I wasnt afraid to go in, everything was the same as every other night, no lights on.... I try to make quiet time to feel her when she is here, sometimes she if off somewhere else, sometimes she is here with me. They are with us.. I know they are.

XOXOXO   Marcia   Bethany's Mom forever

[mattsmum]

Marcia, that was indeed your daughter - I believe they come back to try and comfort us but sometimes through fear, grief or whatever, it is hard for them to let us know. 

I loved your story about the light - she is your shining light and always will be.

When Matt was in hospital, we made good friends with a couple who had like you, one child, a daughter whose name was Claire.  She was the apple of their eye and a very spiritual beautiful girl.  Matt was diagnosed in the April and they arrived on the ward in May.  We soon became hospital buddies, keeping each other's spirits high when there were black days. 

By October, we heard the devastating news that Claire was terminal and she was going home to die.  We were all so heartbroken for them - but then one after another, my own son included, the kids all got the 'terminal' news.  There was 5 of them all together and each died roughly, 4 - 6 week intervals apart.  Claire has a memorial site - her mother raises money for sick children to go on holiday.  Here is the site if you want to have a peep www.clairesadlerfund.org.uk

She was such a brave girl and her parents have worked tirelessly for others since her death.

Your daughter is never that far away - she will always be your daughter and guiding star.  She was a very beautiful girl.

Gerry x

[mpsmom]

Gerry, what a wonderful thing Claires parents have done in her honor.  She sounded like such a special young lady.   We have started a high school scholarship in Bethanys name at our small high school, it will be issued on a 'need basis' to a student who would otherwise struggle with college expenses. 

I do know that my daughter is close by most of the time.....  I do not want her to worry about me, it is her time to be carefree and dance with the angels (including your son) .  I treasure the signs she send us and know I will see her and hold her again. 

XOXOX   Marcia    Bethany's Mom Forever

[mattsmum]

[user=24749]mpsmom[/user] wrote:

Gerry, what a wonderful thing Claires parents have done in her honor.  She sounded like such a special young lady.   We have started a high school scholarship in Bethanys name at our small high school, it will be issued on a 'need basis' to a student who would otherwise struggle with college expenses. 

I do know that my daughter is close by most of the time.....  I do not want her to worry about me, it is her time to be carefree and dance with the angels (including your son) .  I treasure the signs she send us and know I will see her and hold her again. 

XOXOX   Marcia    Bethany's Mom Forever

Marcia,

You can be sure that Bethany is near to you all of the time - she is holding onto you and giving you strength to carry on.

My son will always be forever eighteen - I am thankful that he is now free from his pain - but dear God he is just soooo missed.

Love and light,

Gerry x

[Kelly]

[align=center]SAVE THE DATE!![/align] [align=center] [/align] [align=center] [/align] [align=center] We are excited to meet you!! Come join us at the Beyond Indigo Reunion!![/align]  When: August 14^th through the 16^th,   2009. We suggest you arrive the night of the 13^th.

Where: Minneapolis, MN

For Who?: All Beyond Indigo members and people healing from grief and dying journeys. This means YOU! If you know someone who is not a member invite them along!

 We will be having speakers, social networking, opportunities to remember our loved ones and just a plain good time.

 More details (schedule, pictures of the location etc) will follow in the next 7 to 14 days.

 We need at least 25 people to make this event possible. We hope to see as many of you who can make it!!!

 Have questions? Please post in the Beyond Indigo Reunion Forum at  http://beyondindigo.com/forums/view_forum.php?id=83

 

Kelly Baltzell, MA

President

Beyond Indigo

[Kelly]

[align=center]SAVE THE DATE!![/align] [align=center] [/align] [align=center] [/align] [align=center] We are excited to meet you!! Come join us at the Beyond Indigo Reunion!![/align]  When: August 14^th through the 16^th,   2009. We suggest you arrive the night of the 13^th.

Where: Minneapolis, MN

For Who?: All Beyond Indigo members and people healing from grief and dying journeys. This means YOU! If you know someone who is not a member invite them along!

 We will be having speakers, social networking, opportunities to remember our loved ones and just a plain good time.

 More details (schedule, pictures of the location etc) will follow in the next 7 to 14 days.

 We need at least 25 people to make this event possible. We hope to see as many of you who can make it!!!

 Have questions? Please post in the Beyond Indigo Reunion Forum at  http://beyondindigo.com/forums/view_forum.php?id=83

 

Kelly Baltzell, MA

President

Beyond Indigo

[bearsmom]

"Blessed are those that mourn, for they shall be comforted." Matthew 5:4.

I haven't visited this sight in awhile. I wonder if after the first year, you try to put the hurt away for awhile and try to live.  It's been 14 months since my Steven passed away and the time keeps marching forward.  I just wish so badly that we could take back that day.... make him stay home and not go out in the storm.  He was 19... I don't know if I am still angry... Angry at God or Steven or myself.... but the pain and suffering continues.  It's just not as severe.  I pray for strength and guidance and I usually hear something in my head when I do.  I know that there is a higher power trying to help me with my grief.

So all of you on BI, I pray for your peace of mind and heart.  One day we will be reunited with our children.  Until then, we need to learn how to live again.  Find happiness and joy in life or helping others.

Bears Mom.... Susy

[mattsmum]

[user=19219]bearsmom[/user] wrote:

"Blessed are those that mourn, for they shall be comforted." Matthew 5:4.

I haven't visited this sight in awhile. I wonder if after the first year, you try to put the hurt away for awhile and try to live.  It's been 14 months since my Steven passed away and the time keeps marching forward.  I just wish so badly that we could take back that day.... make him stay home and not go out in the storm.  He was 19... I don't know if I am still angry... Angry at God or Steven or myself.... but the pain and suffering continues.  It's just not as severe.  I pray for strength and guidance and I usually hear something in my head when I do.  I know that there is a higher power trying to help me with my grief.

So all of you on BI, I pray for your peace of mind and heart.  One day we will be reunited with our children.  Until then, we need to learn how to live again.  Find happiness and joy in life or helping others.

Bears Mom.... Susy

Susy, firstly let me say that I am sorry for your sad loss.  I joined BI just a week or so ago.

You are 14 months down the line and I am almost 14 years down the line since my son Matt died from cancer.  Time is irrelevant when we lose a child - because as soon as that day happens, our lives change forever.  We are never the same again and no matter how much time moves on, we will always carry guilt, what ifs, sadness and heartache.

It is difficult to move on - I remember when the year 2000 came and I felt so sad leaving my son in a different century.  I felt as if we had left him behind, when in reality, he is still very much with us.

I wish you peace in your grief journey - God does give us aid to help us through this journey, but we must also draw on strengths and courage from within ourselves.  I have found the more I trust in God, the more strength He gives me.

You are so right about one thing, ONE day, we will be with our children and that is something to hold onto, because one certainty is, we will die one day.

Gerry x

[bearsmom]

Thank you Matts Mum.  My 2nd sons name is Matthew.  I had 3 sons.  Steven was the oldest.  They are now 19 and 17.  They are having a tough time of it as well.  Just a big VOID which seems to be everywhere.  I am amazed by 14 months passing by... I cannot comprehend 14 years... I sometimes wonder if there will ever be pure joy back in my life again.  With great happiness brings on the sadness of Steven not being here to enjoy it.  The Pendelum swings and I am left feeling so empty. It is hard to be strong for my boys. Seriously, sometimes I wonder how we can go on... but we do, don't we?  Thank goodness for Faith, Family and Friends and the kindness of strangers.

Susy

[mattsmum]

[user=19219]bearsmom[/user] wrote:

Thank you Matts Mum.  My 2nd sons name is Matthew.  I had 3 sons.  Steven was the oldest.  They are now 19 and 17.  They are having a tough time of it as well.  Just a big VOID which seems to be everywhere.  I am amazed by 14 months passing by... I cannot comprehend 14 years... I sometimes wonder if there will ever be pure joy back in my life again.  With great happiness brings on the sadness of Steven not being here to enjoy it.  The Pendelum swings and I am left feeling so empty. It is hard to be strong for my boys. Seriously, sometimes I wonder how we can go on... but we do, don't we?  Thank goodness for Faith, Family and Friends and the kindness of strangers.

Susy

Susy, the void that you speak of, will eventually get smaller, but you will still have to walk around it, because it will always be there - nothing can fill it.  You will learn to smile again, have fun, laugh and remember the good times that you had with your child.  But there will be those days when the mention of his/her name brings tears, when you see a photograph you've never seen before, hear somebody talk about their own child and know that yours will never walk through the door again.  That is the awful price that we pay for loving so much.

Anniversaries, weddings, birthdays and family outings will always highlight the fact that Steven is not there to join in and have fun.  But after a while, you will forget that and do what I do, speak his name when we have a family meal, talk about him when meeting people and include him in all your celebrations.

When my daughter's birthday comes around, I buy an extra present especially from her brother and I talk about my son to our grandchildren so that he is mentioned in their prayers and they feel comfortable asking questions about 'what he liked to eat,' 'what was his favourite colour,' etc.  To us, Matthew is very much around and we will never forget his memory.

You can write me as much as you want, or if you are more comfortable pm'ing me.  I know only too well what those early months and years felt like and I know also, what a lonely journey this is.

Hugs

Gerry x

[bearsmom]

Thank you so very much Gerry.  I love what you do to keep Matt apart of your family.  I am going to follow your lead.  What a beautiful way to keep them apart of our lives.

Susy

[mattsmum]

[user=19219]bearsmom[/user] wrote:

Thank you so very much Gerry.  I love what you do to keep Matt apart of your family.  I am going to follow your lead.  What a beautiful way to keep them apart of our lives.

Susy

You are more than welcome, Susy - another thing that we do, is once a year donate a sum of money in Matt's name.  I usually support something in Africa or if I know that somebody needs help, etc.  At Christmas time, you can buy an extra present and donate that to a charity.

My grandchildren now say 'Happy birthday' when it's his birthday, and we do something special.  We have lots of roses planted in his honour.  When it was his 10th anniversary, my husband went to a garden centre and specially chose a beautiful red rose called, anniversary.  Each year it grows bigger and more beautiful.

Gerry x

[nicksdad]

Like yourself we have lost a loved one. For some reason like most, we find peace in trying to help others through the process whatever it may be. We wanted to make a site that “anyone” could put information about their loved one, and have it available 24 hours a day.

The name of the site “Never Lose Faith” is an “In Loving Memory Tribute” and comes from our son Nicholas who felt enough about those words to have them tattoo’d on him.

We would consider it an honor if you would put a tribute to your child on the site.

http://www.neverlosefaith.com

[iansmom]

Today is three years and I'm hyperventilating already. We plan to go to the mausoleum then to Ian's favorite fishing spot. It's cold today and it's usually proves to be even colder at the point but we'll be there anyway. Lots of awesome memories there. I'll bring my camera and flowers and it'll be a hard day. I just gotta remember to breath.

Iansmom, Faith

[averysdad]

Faith

I'll be keeping your family in my thoughts today! On the positive side the fact that you have open water at Ians fishing spot is a good thing, all the water here is frozen solid.

Hugs

Dale

[mattsmum]

[user=15923]iansmom[/user] wrote:

Today is three years and I'm hyperventilating already. We plan to go to the mausoleum then to Ian's favorite fishing spot. It's cold today and it's usually proves to be even colder at the point but we'll be there anyway. Lots of awesome memories there. I'll bring my camera and flowers and it'll be a hard day. I just gotta remember to breath.

Iansmom, Faith

Faith, I so feel for you on this sad day - it brings back all those painful memories and feelings that we had when our beloved children died.  It does get softer, the pain but we never get over the loss.

My son also loved to fish - at the end of his illness, my brothers would carry him from his wheelchiar down to the bank and he would spend a few hours fishing.  It was his love and he was so proud of his catches:)  I still have his fishing rods and sometimes get them out and clean them.  I will keep them for when my grandson grows, if he wants to fish, then they are his.

Please send in some photos, I would love to see them.

I wish you peace on this day and also a sense of Ian round you.

Big hugs,

Gerry x

[shorty16]

Faith

I am thinking of you and your family during this most difficult anniversary.  I am not even to one year yet and I see from you and others that it just does not seem to get any easier.

I am happy you have a place to go to remember your son.  We do not have a grave plot/ mosuleum (sp) or anything.  I have his ashes with me, because if I could not protect him in Life, I was sure going to protect him in death.

We all give you a virtual hug.

Colleen,  Brian's Mother Forever

[lolynbo]

IANS MOMMY STAY STRONG..IVE NOT YET COME TO THIS BRIDGE..BUT AS YOU NO JUST BREATHE

[iansmom]

First I want to say thanks for the kind words of support. It means a lot to me. It was a rough day but we kept ourselves busy by going to the mausoleum, leaving flowers and writing in the journal. From there we went to the accident site where I laid a beautiful red rose where Ian took his last breath, my niece left a white one which represents innocence. From there we went to cypremort point to the pier where he loved to fish when he didn't have a boat, as his all time favorite spot is only reachable by boat.

God painted us a beautiful day and it looked like he allowed Ian to have a hand in it too. It's hard to see the beauty in just one pic so I've chosen a few to share. Hope ya'll enjoy them and it's not too much bother. Thanks again. Ian'smom, Faith

[iansmom]

Trying to get the size right so bear with me.

[mpsmom]

What a beautiful day it was  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Marcia    Bethany's mom forever

[iansmom]

ok, I think I've got it. Beautiful

[iansmom]

This is Shyra, our daughter and her boyfriend prepairing some flowers to throw out on the water.

[iansmom]

Here they seem to silhouette to the beautiful sun set.

[davidsmom]

16 months today without my beloved David, and my heart aches just as much as it did a year ago.....I doubt this aching loneliness will ever subside. Life just seems to drag on...with me as a zombie-like shell of the woman I once was.

Loving David always.....

Lisa

http://david-robyn-loring.memory-of.com