Loss of a Teenager

[lolynbo]

WHY DO THEY EVEN BOTHER WITH THE PICS AND SEND THEM TO US.....I WAS JUST LOOKING AND I SAVED TWO AND PUT THEM ON FIREPLACE....AH NO, IM FIXIN TO SHRED EM....

I REMEMBER ONCE WHEN I WAS A KID OUR DOG GOT RAN OVER AND KILLED, OR NEAR DEATH, AND OUR "NANNA" SENT US A CONDOLENCE CARD AND ON THE FRONT WAS A PUPPY, AND I THOUGHT, HOW UNSINSITIVE IS THAT....IT HURT OUR FEELINGS...

I REALLY HOPE IM NOT THAT DUMB....WELL I KNOW IM NOT, I JUST DONT SEND CARDS....LOL

TO THE SHREDDER I GO

[lolynbo]

WELL JUST WHEN YOU THINK THE REST OF THE WORLD HAS FORGOTEN YOU..THE MAIL COMES..YES A CHRISTMAS CARD, BUT 2 VERY IMPORTANT ONES..

THE FIRST ONE IS FROM THE COUNCELOR AT KODYS SCHOOL (SHE ALSO WAS HIS 4YR OLD PROGRAM TEACHER) HER CARD WAS VERY HEART FELT, AND SAID PLEASE CALL ME IF YOU NEED ANYTHING...SHE WAS TRUELY THINKING OF US.

THE NEXT CARD CAME FROM KODYS FRIENDS MOM, (SHE LOST 2 KIDS IN A CAR WRECK 5 YRS AGO, A DAUGHTER 15 AND A SON 9) KODYS FRIEND WAS DISTRAUGHT. AND KODY HELPED HIM THROUGH IT...BUT THE MOM JUST MAILED ME A  CARD AND IT SAID...

"HOPE YOU AND YOUR FAMILY HAVE A WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS. IM SORRY FOR WHAT HAPPENED,KODY TOLD GABRIEL, THEN BY THAT TIME WE WERE MOVING, I ENCLOSED A POEM I HOPE IT HELPS, IT DID ME A LITTLE".. (SHE MENT WELL)

HERES THE POEM:

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM HEAVEN

I STILL HEAR THE SONGS

I STILL SEE THE LIGHTS

I STILL FEEL YOUR LOVE,

ON ACOLD WINTRY NIGHTS

I STILL SHARE YOUR HOPES

AND ALL OF YOUR CARES

I"LL EVEN REMIND YOU

TO PLEASE SAY YOUR PRAYERS

I JUST WANT TO TELL YOU

YOU STILL MAKE ME PROUD

YOU STAND HEAD AND SOULDERS

ABOVE THE CROWD

KEEP TRYING EACH MOMENT

TO STAY IN HIS GRACE

I CAME HERE BEFORE YOU

TO HELP SET YOUR PLACE

YOU DONT HAVE TO BE

PERFECT ALL THE TIME

HE FORGIVES YOU THE SLIP

IF YOU CONTINUE THE CLIMB

TO MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS

PLEASE BE THANKFUL TODAY

IM STILL CLOSE BESIDE YOU

IN A NEW SPECIAL WAY

I LOVE YOU ALL DEARLY

NOW DONT SHED A TEAR

CAUSE IM SPENDING MY

CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS THIS YEAR.

 

BOY DI IT MAKE ME CRY, BECAUSE SHE IS WITH JESUS AND SPENDING HIS BIRTHDAY WITH HIM...

[mpsmom]

This is a bad day, I had to make two copies of our ID's for the bank today, that's easy enough, our drivers licenses and our passports.  I went to the small safe where we keep our passports, and there are three in the drawer......Wouldnt you think I would have a decent chance of not pickiong Bethany's first..........No not today, not when I am already trying to hold it together for another couple days.. The first one I open, of course, is hers.........There she is with her big smile, she got her passport so she could travel to Greece with some kids from school Spring break 2 years ago....I remember she was so excited to go.  She had plans on filling the pages up with stamps from other countries......Dammit it just isnt fair !!!!!!!!!!!!

[lolynbo]

NO ITS NOT FAIR IT SUCKS....BUT THINK OF ALL THE PLACES SHE IS TRAVELING NOW...WITH FRIENDS AND FAMILY AND NEW FRIENDS AND CRITTERS...NO PASSPORT NEEDED...NO STAMPS....NO LONG LINES....

I NO WHAT YOU MEAN BY HOLDING IT TOGETHER FOR FEW MORE DAYS...ITS LIKE WE ARE CHUGGIN UP THIS HIGH HIGH HILL AND WE JUST GOTTA REACH THE TOP...(THEN WHAT)

I SAY BETHANY 2 TIMES TODAY...HER YELLOW BUG...I THINK I WILL ALWAYS THINK OF HER WHEN I SEE A YELLOW BUG NOW..

HOPE EVERYONE HAS A BLESSED DAY

AND WE CAN DO THIS.......................................................

[mpsmom]

Lorri, thank you for an uplift of my spirit.....I knowi n my heart that she is traveling all over, ;flittin around' with her new angel wings...she should be able to manuever with them by now, it only took her baout 3 weeks to be a good driver, certinly in 3 months she can go anwhere she wants to go with her new angel wings...

I also look for her little yellow bug, it was her freedom and her wings here on earth.

You all know how I feel, it is just so heartbreking to be without them, I dont know if it is the holidays fo rme , or just the amount of days tht seem to grow since she was last with us.  The 'slient tears' come easily this last couple of days...I JUST MISS HER SO VERY MUCH, and nothing seems to help with that.

Last night her dad and I were arguing about something petty, and a laundry basket jumped off the washer in the laundry room right next to where we were standing............wihtout skipping a beat i said "Yes Bethany ---daddy and i are arguing about something stupid"  "thank you " 

Just like her.. the basket literlly 'jumped' off the washer on to the floor... I know it was her..........I just want more!!!!!!!!!!!! more!!!!!!!

 

Marcia

[tanmanmymagicman]

Hi Marsha; well here I go.  I come to this site everyday almost; and now I have been told to learn the names;  So that I will do; I have really enjoyed? reading your posts; You really put your heartfelt feelings out there.  You are good to go; You are talking about your daughter; what a brave mother;  I look for and see signs from my Tanner alot ; maybe not everyday; but I am so open for them;  I really feel he is still with us but in a different ; holy body????  I know that sounds crazy but I just won't believe that his beautiful 16 year old body is asleep in a dark hole;  Its been 15 months since I lost my son that morning right before 12 noon in a car accident;  Like I have said before I am surprised I am still alive because when it first happen my first thought was how do I live; the first thing I said is I know this is not a dream but it has to be. Sadly it wasn't.  I will write more later and try to remember who is who; I know Joey's mom really sticks out in my mind in the early days of my loss;  Bless you.

cindy

 

 

[averysdad]

Hi, thanks for taking the time to look at my photo book, it's my story of my son.

Marcia, I'm sure you'll keep finding things of your daughters for a long time to come, I still find treasures that were my sons, in drawers, boxes, and just about everywhere. Some bring me down, but some also bring smiles with the memories. Every item is so precious.

Lorri, you had asked how we lost our son, he was a passenger in a car coming home from a local fair, the car he was in was hit by a sleeping driver travelling the opposite way on the highway, he basically took the full force of the impact and was killed instantly. It was the day before his and his sisters 17th birthday.

The other driver was charged, we've been to court 13 times, always adjourned,  just today we had a meeting at the prosecutors office, I sat there wondering how other people are spending theie day(s) before christmas. It really isn't fair.

Lori, our son loved music, it's one of the things I miss the most, your Kody looks like a fine young man, music is such a special gift, I hope he plays and plays, I think its good for the soul.

I hope everybody has a good sleep tonight, being tired never seemed to help.

Dale

 

[lolynbo]

I CANT IMAGINE WHAT YALL ARE GOING THROUGH THAT HAVE LOST CHILDREN DUE TO THE HAND OF OTHERS......I JUST CANT FATHEM IT, I WILL PRAY COURT WILL RULE YOUR WAY THE RIGHT WAY AND IN A SPEEDY TIME, GODS IN CONTROL....WE JUST GOTTA KEEP REMEMBERING THAT.

KODY GOT TO GO TO GUITAR CENTER AND PLAY HIS DREAM GUITAR, BUT SADLY LEFT IT THERE...I HOPE HE WILL BE OK, I HATE TO REMIND HIM WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH WORSE, BUT HE IS JUST A BOY...A YOUNG BOY...

THANK YOU FOR YOUR COMPLIMENT OF KODY, HE KEEPS ME GOING, AND IM VERY PROUD OF HIM...MY GRANDSONS NAME IS AVERY HE IS ALMOST 5, HE IS A LIL 9 PD SHITZU...BUT WHAT AN AWESOME NAME,,,AND HIS HAIR GETS LONG AND CURLY LIKE YOUR AVERY...LOL HE IS SUCH A GOOD LOOKING BOY (YOUR SON) MUST BE LEAD ANGEL UP THERE..

[4everjoeysmom]

To all of my BI friends, my thoughts and prayers are full of you today and through this Christmas to New Year week. It seems for me that this is the most difficult week of the year...always so festive, so many memories of how Joey loved this time of year. Another year around the corner without him here... Something I never could have imagined in all my years while he was here, that it would be like this, without him here....

My heart is with all who know this loss, this grief, this painful emptiness and the gaping big hole where our precious one stood alongside us. It is difficult to find words of comfort to share in this terrible "missing". I pray that we can each find even the slightest moments of comfort from the memories we've stored in our hearts. May our children know how much they are deeply loved and missed, and may we feel that "umbilical cord" connection to them that not even passing from this world can separate.

Much love, warm hugs, and prayers for a gentle touch that brings you moments of comfort and peace... ~Claudia (4everJoeysMom)

[shorty16]

To all my BI friends, I think of you every day.  I miss my Brian so much.  We are in Miami Beach Florida right now, trying to get away from the empty seat thing at the kitchen table.  It just seems to follow me.

We are spreading some of my son's ashes in the Atlantic ocean on Christmas day.  What a thing to look forward to.

We too have been receiving christmas cards with happy, intact familys smiling back at me while I cry.  I have not sent nor will I send Christmas cards, but to you, my friends, consider yourself hugged by a mom with a broken heart.

Even in Miami the sadness does not leave.  This is our first Christmas without Brian and like some of you, we also are looking at more court hearings in the death of our son.  Jan 21, the boy that was driving the car will plead no contest.  18 and a felon. 

Sometimes I wonder how I can go on.  I just want to breath out and never breath in.  I want to take his place - God, please help me

Colleen  Brian's Mother Forever

[tanmanmymagicman]

Collen, I went to the cementary today; I made myself go;  Put a Christmas tree and a son ornament on it  and then broke down and cried;  In the beginning I was able to go and be OK ???? Now I have to force myself and it hurts so bad to be there;  I hope I do not have to go  there again for a long time;then I brought the same size tree home and put a few ornaments on it; otherwise I likewise did not send cards or decorate ;  I just wanted to write and say Merry Christmas and hope it warms your heart just alittle to know you are not alone with how you feel; I just feel bad that you have to go through the justice system;  My son; my Tanner; was carefree; fearless; he was driving and sure not have been; he was 16 but not mature;  He was not experienced enough at driving;  I try not to blame myself or feel guilty but part of me still does; I am going to bed early tonight as I am feeling so sorry for myself I can't stand it;  Bless you Collen and all the other mom's and dad's going through Christmas without our son's.  Tanner was my baby;  Yeah I am feeling sorry for myself;  I want to be with my son; but need to live for my other children and grandchildren.  It would not be fair to them.  Christmas Blessings ; Cindy

 

[shorty16]

Cindy

I too blame myself even though I have no idea how I could have stopped this crazy car surfing thing.

We spread some of Brian's ashes in the Atlantic this morning and we all cried.  I feel so alone, but know you and others are praying for me, because I am praying for you during this most difficult of times.

You stated you have other children.  Brian was our middle child.  I have an older daughter (18) and a younger son (15).  My younger son goes to school with the boy that killed my son.  He is stronger then I could ever be.  We asked him if he wanted to go to another school and he said "NO".

Be good to yourself.  Neither of us deserved this.  We are good parents and tried our best, but my best was not good enough in Brian's case.

Was Tanner alone in the car?

Colleen  Brian's Mother Forever

[tanmanmymagicman]

Hi Coleen; and hope you are doing OK; you had quite a day;  My Tanner was not alone in the truck; its was an old junky truck that I used to take my 2 big labs out to run;  Tanner liked the truck and begged me and his dad constantly about driving it for short trips;  He was 7 weeks away from getting his lisense but we would let him use it for short trips to visit his friends or go to the store for a soda;  But THAT DAY; I rreally do not know what he was doing with it;  He did not ask and when I got the call I thought he was unstairs asleep;  I know he was 16 but he was giving me alot of worry and I sure not of let my guard down that day but I was running around cleaning carpets and when I left to rent the cleaner Tanner was home. I can't get over the guilt I feel as he was only 16 and I told him countless times I did not want him driving and that we was not a good responsibile driver yet;  And yes he had a friend with him; he was 19 ; happy go lucky ; just like Tanner; no fears; he lived for 4 hrs and died in surgery.  I find alittle confort that his friend is burried not too far from him and when myself and my husband die ; we have paid for everything to make sure we are burried beside our son.  Today was hard;  Lots of tears and a heavy sad heart; but I not sure now near the emontions you had.

Coleen; I look at it this way; I was Cindy Houk, Tanners mom; and now that I am not I am still Cindy Houk who has burried a son and will never be the same;  I got through each day and do the best I can.  Like you nothing worse can happen to me and if I ever lost another child I would not live that would be asking too much;  Part of my life is gone already;

I do have other children and thats been hard also;  My daughter Kayla is 21 now ; but was 19 when Tanner died;  They were so close;  They totally loved each other and Tanner worshiped the ground Kayla walked on;  So I worry about my Kayla; its been hard for her;  She lost about a year of school but I am hoping she is back on track;  I was married a first time; AND I LOST my 25 year old husband in a car accident on his way home from work; he worked for PG & E.  We had a 6 year old daughter and a 4 year old son; So I have 3 children; 

When I would tell people I have 4 kids they would say

FOUR KIDS?  and I would answer God blessed me and I still feel the same way;

Somehow I got through all that; but I had my mom and dad for support and help. Bless you Coleen; I just feel like our boys were the same ; reckless; no fear of anything; and thought they would live forever;  Tanner had alot of self esteem.This is all like a horror movie that we have to live with the rest of our life; they need to teach possible loss of family, friends and children so people could be more prepared and not go so crazy.  I still think I am; I am told I do not have my emontions under control; who gives a rip; just stay out of my way if your a selfish , non caring person; I find I go overboard on the compassion and my husband keeps telling me I can't save the world but I think I am really trying to save my sanity.  Take care of yourself;

Go idea going away from Christmas;  Know you will be happy to get home. Cindy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[shorty16]

Cindy

Both our boys were teenagers with no thought of death at all.  Brian was not very good in school, but he was very physically fit and coordinated.  Everything was a competition with Brian.  Even the littlest things he would push his younger brother to do and when AJ would beat him at something Brian would get really mad.

If I may suggest that you do plan to get away next Christmas.  It has been a blessing in disguise.  I find it much easier to do things that I have never done before.  When I think of doing things we did with Brian, it feels so empty.

What city do you live in?  We live in a suburb of Milwaukee.  I took my younger son to Bristol Renesonce (sp) Fair this summer.  We had never done that before and I actually had fun.  We had nothing to compare it to.

Also, we did not bury Brian.  We cremated him and he is with us.  Sometimes I regret not having a burial plot, but I could not let him go, even in death.

I am so glad I am getting to know you.  We need to support each other in this journey.  It is a terrible, heart-heavy place for us, but knowing there is someone out there who knows how I feel makes it somewhat easier.

My family wishes your family a great new year.  I will be thinking of you.

When someone asks me how many kids I have, I say 3, I will always have 3 even though one is not with me anymore.

Colleen  Brian's Mother Forever.

[shorty16]

I have a question.

Do any of you have anger issues toward your dead child?  Sometimes I am so angry at Brian for carsurfing and putting us in this position.  What was he thinking?

Am I alone in this feeling?  I do not feel anger toward him all the time, just sometimes?  Many people I talked to don't even know what carsurfing is?

Colleen,  Brian's Mother Forever

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi Colleen,

Yes! I was angry with Joey for dying, and the way it happened...so reckless, careless... I too wondered, "what was he thinking?!" The anger came and went in waves, and sometimes I wouldn't even realize it until my husband would ask me why I was so angry towards him (my hubby, that is). Then this past June (almost 2 years later) I received some really deep ministry from a visiting pastor, and I cried deeply and prayed for the Lord to help me forgive my son, and to help me forgive the ones he was with that night. I am still working on "the ones"... but I have forgiven Joey. I noticed a shift in my heart upon finding that forgiveness, and that is truly when my deeper healing began. I am not the same person i was before Joey died. But I am dealing with it all much, much better than I was through the first couple of years. It's a process and still my journey to finding total forgiveness with the others, but I am finding that i am less angry these days and I carry more feelings of pity for them than unforgiveness. I guess that's progress....

It has still been a short time for you since losing Brian. Don't be hard on yourself. You know, we parents and relatives feel like we need to put our kids that have gone onto some "saintly pedestal" in order to do them just honor for not being here anymore and missing them so much--like it would be sac-religious to be angry with him for anything since he is no longer here. But reality is that they still were and are our kids that had all of their flaws and quirks that drove us crazy too. It's some of those zany things about Joey that can make me laugh today instead of cry. I think if he had been perfect, I would have an even greater difficulty in coming to terms with his departure...not that it's easier, but I can envision him fully, and realistically, and not like someone who my surviving son will feel he can never ever live up to as far as how I may feel about him too. I look at how my surviving son may feel to my response to losing Joey, and in that I have been able to stay grounded and real in terms of who Joey truly was with us...not perfect, but still one of a kind and my first born beautiful son.

Don't know if my story helps you, but you definitely are not the only one to ever be angry with your departed child... Bless you, Claudia

[tanmanmymagicman]

Hi Colleen;  Its hard getting away for Christmas as my 2 older children have kids; but it is so very hard on me to be home for Christmas without Tanner;  The next holiday July 4th not to mention he would of been graduating this year from high school;

So looking forward to another new year; Our boys sound ALOT alike; Tanner was smart especially in math but got totally sidetracked with girls; ditching school; pills???? so hard seeing it and even writing about it.  He was reckless with his life and had gotten into a golf cart accident the year before and the cart landed on him but his friend got it off him in time;  You would of thought that might of got him thinking that we are mere mortals and could die anytime.

I had a hard time having Tanner embalmed;  I hate it even now and my stomach drops;  I wanted him to leave this world as he came into it with his own blood; that is barbaric what they did to him.  His soccer coach talked me into signing the papers to do it so all the kids could see him and maybe learn;  You know wear your seatbelt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  In the beginning I could go to the cemetery ; but now it destroys me for days;  He was very the kid everyone looked up to;  The yearbook feature him last year and this year they will feature him as class clown.

I live in California; just below Fresno;  Bless you this evening; As usual I can't sleep.  So will resort to pills.  your friend Cindy; Tanner's mom.  you can see our family at mem.com and click on Houk and go to the movie if you like.  2009 right around the corner;  Car surfing;  I am sure my Tanner probably did that too.

[tanmanmymagicman]

Hi All; Its Tanner's mom, Cindy , again;  Please help me pull myself together!!!!

I have been crying most of the day;  I don't know what has got me so sad but I feel so detached from everyone and so lonely and this I just miss my son's physical presence so much today;  This is the first day since I have lost him that I am felt so much pain at not being to hold him; I am crying right now and I need to get a grip;

I have been doing good so other than Christmas I don't know what to attribute today to; nothing has gone right; I am dog sitting for my daughter and her dogs messed on my new carpet; both of them;  then I go to the store no wallet;  I feel like I am having a bad dream;  I feel all alone ; I took the dogs for a walk in a big field this afternoon just to wear them out and I cried the whole time; sobbed is more like it;  My throat hurts from crying and coughing.  What a mess I am. I know I am not alone it just feels like it.  How do you do it?  How do we do it?  How can we do it forever?  I will be better tomorrow; I think I just need a good rest;  Maybe its the dogs; they are a lot of work as my daughter is getting ready to breed her female Bulldog on Monday so she is in heat and bleeding all over also;  I know its all a mess.

To top it all off my computer is moving so slow today;  I don't know why; signal is weak?????????????????????  It has never been slow before;  So sorry to be a crying, mess today; as I was walking the dogs I was wishing I had someone to go visit here in town that would understand how I felt;  Would not want to dump my sadness and tears on someone else that would not understand;  My mother died about 6 months before Tanner; a good thing; it would hurt her so badly to see the pain I have been going through.  OK enough of my Pity party;  I know you all understand;  Its just I have not really be this low for a long long time;  This is the first time I have craved my son and his presence; it just hurts so bad.  better take something to make me feel better;   Sorry to dump all this;  sometimes I get scared  that I can't handle his loss and today is one of those days;  Like I said ; with a little rest I will be better tomorrow and back to counting my blessings and taking care of myself;

[mikesmum]

Cindy - The part of this journey that I hate as much as losing Mike was the verocity and level of pain that hits without warning.  Just when we think we might have hit a plateau, managing day to day - BAM, the wanting of our child disables us completely. It literally takes us to 'ground zero' in the blink of an eye. Worse is that every thing around us attracts to this like a magnet and weighs us down even more. 

Just when I find I have it all together so to speak I will find myself unable to breath, tears falling, no words just sobs........In the beginning I was terrified that I would never be able to go more than a day without dissolving into an irrational blubbering mess.  It been 23 months and 2 weeks since I began this journey.  Through everyone here I have learnt that 'meltdowns' occur no matter how long you have been travelling. 

Be kind to yourself.  Cry, scream, walk or falldown, but take the time to 'rest'.  I learnt that I could only handle so much.  I am no longer the multiskilled, endlessly energised, all things to all people.  At times being Mikes mum would overwhelm me and best I could do was crawl into bed with the covers over my head.......

Please come often, write long and never feel the need to apologise......this is no pity party......this is our reality and you are never alone here.....

I have attached a picture of Gerbers growing in Mikes memorial garden......we are in a drought and to see these surviving warms the heart....Take Care

 

 

[tanmanmymagicman]

thank you; Mikes Mum;  I should know this could happen to me ; the pain is so intense;  We must be strong humans to make it through the loss of our child.

I have to get more rest tonight;  I know I have to grieve and go through it but it also saddens me and makes me feel excluded from life when I grieve so hard for my son; Wow; it must be our kid were chosen?  I want to have more faith;  Faith to accept what I cannot change;  Be strong for my family and myself;

Thank you for your letter;  It WARMS my heart;  I have a lot of friends but right now I feel like you are my best friend; friend in loss of a son; Tanner was my baby; he was 16; and of course awesome; just like your son.  How is your husband doing?  Tanner was my husbands only son; I feel he is doing pretty well; but then again I thought I was too.  I come here everyday and at this stage of the game I am trying to learn who is who.  Joey's mom really helped me in the beginning; she has a special talent and the virtue of patience.  Warm heartfelt love to all mom's on this site (dad's too) I am one lonely Mama tonight;  my son called me "hey Mama Gama" you sure look pretty today!!!!!!!  OK enough or it will be back to the tears all night.  Bless you All. Cindy

[mpsmom]

Cindy, my name is Marcia I have been away for the holidays and have just finished reading days and days worth of postings, I am so sorry you are having such a hard time, I lost my daughter 9/20/08, and the pain for me is 'fresh' as they say.  Please don't feel alone, we are all here for you. I also find myself doing what I would think was remarkably well and then out of the clear blue, I fall apart as bad as the night she died.  I think this must be a built in coping ability, some days I cry so much that I feel like my vision is permanently changing from all the salty tears.  We are not the same person we were before the loss of our precious child.  We are not multi=taskers, we cannot do 100 thinks at a time, somedays I cannot do one thing at the same time as breathing...on those days we need to be nice to ourselves and rest our bodies and our brains.... I have started to read anything I can get my hands on about the loss of a child, this brings me some peace, I want to know more about 'the everafter", I need to know where my daughter is and that she is safe and happy and being taken care of......I think this is a natural maternal instinct.  The more I am able to have quiet time and read these books, the more I feel at peace.  The peace does not last forever, but even for a few minutes a day, I feel the instense pain of greiving is lifted from my heart.  I hope and pray that I am moving forward on this journey as the other mothers ( and fathers) on this site assure me I will do.....it just takes time, a lot more time than one would think.  I am here for you...if I can help please feel free to email me at any time, we are in the same time zone.

Warm Hugs,  Marcia     Bethany's Mom Forever and Ever 

[levismom]

Hi,  I am new to this site and am so thankfull to hear from others who have also lost a child and have somehow managed to go on.  My 17 yr old son and his 17 yr old girlfriend died in a house fire of smoke asphyxiation on December 6, 2008.  It does not even seem real....yet.  I feel as though I am on the verge of losing my mind, body and soul.  It is horrible to even think that this could possibly get worse once the numbness wears off.  I do not think I could bear it  How do I do this?

[tanmanmymagicman]

Hi Marsha; hoped I spelled that right.  I have been reading your posts;  You are doing everything you can to help yourself  go through this lifelong loss;

Thank you for writing to me;  The holidays and going to the cemetery and watching my daughters dogs have just been too much;  and I feel borderline insane;  Between yesterday and today I have lost my wallet(somewhere at home I think) my glasses (thank goodness I have a spare set) my necklace with my cross that I got days after I lost my son and then also a watch that I could not find but it showed up in a pocket in my purse and then today it is gone today;  I feel like I am crazy;  It like someone came in a picked through my purse and took things but I know that did not happen; its me.  I am so wrapped up in my thoughts and sorrow that I can't focus on the moment right now;  Also I take ambeim sleeping pills almost every other night and I am thinking they are affecting my mind. 

Well I need to get back and read your email;  I wrote in a journal today that starting today I need to do what I do have control over and that's getting my house in clean order ; watch what I eat;  I have gained 13 lbs since I lost my son; Aug. 2007;  Stop drinking sugary tea at night and even durning the day; try and exercise once I have my house under control;  make lists; and the most important thing I wrote down was SLOW DOWN and breath; well the slow down and breath did not happen today;  This day was filled with trying to figure out where my wallet is?Strange this all my money and a picture I had and receipts I had in my wallet were all on the table;  I just need rest;  and need to dig through the garbage again;  Thanks again Marsha for writing to me;  You are new to your loss God bless you for reaching out to me.  I need to ask how is your husband doing?  I just called my husband as he has been doing a brick job at a rental home we have and he sounded like he had been crying;  So sad;  We are both suffering so much.  I will write to you a lot. and shorty 16; our son's so much in common.  Good and bad...................................................thank you ; Cindy

 

[tanmanmymagicman]

Kevins mom???? I don't know if you still come to this site;  Everytime I send a message it takes me to older ones;  Yours from 2005?  Your son born the same year as my Tanner also the same month;  I am just wondering how you are doing????????  How is life treating you?????????????????  So sorry.  Cindy

[tanmanmymagicman]

Hi Levi's mom;  All I can say is; I lost my breath right now trying to think of what to say to you;  Its been so soon for you ;  I know when I first lost my Tanner; he was 16 ; in a car accident 8/2007;  I did not think I could live;  I knew a Aunt of my daughters best friend who lost an 8 year old only son about 10 years ago so all I knew was to ask for her;  I kept saying get me Loretta Toledo;  I knew she was still alive and I just had to know how I could continue living;  Her words to me were that she did not have any;  She is still suffering and I was being (without realizing it at the time) for even asking for her;  She just kept shaking her head and not telling me anything that might help me survive;  she just said I had to go through it;  how right she was;  It will be a life long journey;  My new journey starting today is take control more of my life;   Take things slow;  Breath slow and deep;  concentrate of the moment;  Stop eating junk and feel better;  Bless you;  Keep coming here;  I have not posted much but come here everyday;  I am making new friends and it is helping me so much;  Marsha I am still thinking of you and your full of life daughter;  Wow. Take care of yourself; Cindy; Tanner's Mama Gama;

[mpsmom]

Cindy, It is difficult to stay focused, just slow down a bit, and back track when you lose something, I have gotten to the point that when I mispalace something, I just ask my Bethany "OK baby, where did Mom leave her keys this time?"  eventually I find them, and it helps.... I am in front of this computer most every work day, I will watch for you online.  Get some rest this evening and deep deep breathes when the world starts closing in on you.

Warm Hugs, Marcia   Bethany's Mom Forever and ever.

[arc4ever]

Levi's mom.  You are soo very soon in this difficult process.  I have only been traveling this road since March 25, 2008 when I lost my only child, Adam as a result of an automobile accident. But I remember those first weeks, just not being able to breathe.  I met a man several weeks after my son's death who had also lost his son and I remember vividly what he asked me "Can you breathe yet?" and my answer at that time was "just barely".  I knew then that he understood that he "got it" as my husband and I say.  You will find some people (only a few, sadly) "get it" most do not, they cannot.  One cannot fathome the depths of the pain of losing a child unless they have lost one themselves.  No other loss in this world is like that of losing a child.  Just keep breathing honey, and try to get up every day and do something, anything.  I have found if I don't get up and get moving, then I spiral downhill - fast.  I lurked reading this message board for months before I started responding.  Some days it was just too hard to read about everyone's pain, other days it was helpful.  Take your time.  Try to be with people who are helpful and take it moment by moment.  We are here to help each other.  Terrie (Adam's mom)

[levismom]

Terrie,  Thank you, just breathe....I can do that, most of the time.  I am so sorry for your loss.  How old was Adam?  When I think of living the rest of my life without Levi, it seems as though it will be a bleak exsistence at best.  I cannot find joy in my life even though I have a son (19) away at college, a daughter (13) and another son (14 months).  I guess I just do not know how to go on living.  I can remember getting into bed a few days before my son died and feeling so at peace and happy with my children and our lives that I thanked God.  I will never feel that way again.  I have not allowed myself the luxury of staying in bed all day, not sure if it would be a good or bad thing.  Actually I am afraid to even think to deeply about this whole situation, sometimes I just pretend he is out with his girl or friends.

The loss of Levi's girl is felt almost as deeply, I do not grieve for them seperately it is together.  The kids were found laying in bed with thier arms around each other and although I do not wish for either of them to be gone it is a comfort to know they went together.  They would have wanted it that way. 

Anyway, just wanted to thank you for the advise, I will use it over and over again.  Take care and god bless.

[mpsmom]

Levi's Mom,

You have found a wonderful website, I am so sorry for your loss, I lost my daughter on 9/20/08 to sudden death, her heart stopped for no apparent reason.  I too sometimes try to think of her "out with freinds" or away at college, she would have gone to college next fall.  The 'just breathe" seems to be the best advice I have been given, slow down, deep breathes, I understand you saying you try not to think about the details, it is too 'new' for you.  I am certain your son and his girlfreind are together, still holding on to each other.  I wish I could offer some other good advice, but early on all that seemed to work for me was to get myself out of bed everyday and do something, anything, at firt I started doing:  one thing for Bethany, (straighten something in her room, look in her closet....something...) one thing for me and my husband.... one load of wash, something.... as time goes on I find I don't have to force myself, I find something that needs to be done.  Please dont rush to do anything with your son's things..... you will know when it is right to do that.  Bethany's room is exactly as she left it, without the dirty clothes on the floor, I havent washed her things, her bed is the same, I open her blinds every moring and let the sunchine come in...This is a long hard journey, but the people you will meet here will become lifetime freinds, we all know how it feels.  I wish I could offer more comfort, I also am too new here to offer much but my prayers are with you and it will get better......'they' tell me it takes a very very long time.

Warm Hugs, Marcia    Bethany's Mom Forver and Ever

[ericasmom]

Levi's Mom, Tanner's Mom, Adam's Mom, wow! You have all so recently found yourselves in this new world and I am deeply sorry that you have. I see that you have met Marcia, also brand new to this, and Colleen as well. Some of us have been here a while, I am at the 5.5 year mark. Erica died at age 19, when her car was hit by a train at a broken crossing in Michigan. That you have found this place so soon into your ache is a remarkable step forward, one that your Kids are cheering you on for. All of the advice here is great, to get up each day and get some sunlight is helpful as well, no matter how cold it may be, the sunlight is good for all parts of you not the least of which is your spirit. Deep breathing is important, feeling your ribs separate and accomodate your lungs, being concious of your body, your mind. Take in a great deal of water and juices and eat small healthy meals. I say small just cause so many folks are not really aware of being hungry or thirsty when they are deeply grieving, but it takes a huge amount of energy to grieve. You must replenish your water as you lose a great deal of it with tears. Your Children want you to live a good life, knowing that right now it cannot be good, they will need you to follow in the footfalls of those that lost before you. Our footsteps are deep and wide, please walk in them when you feel you may not be able to take another step. Cry and swear and scream and in quieter moments try to feel the love of your Little Ones. You can do this, and I know this because we are doing it. Don't worry about tomorrow at this point, simply try to think in terms of this day, this hour. I would highly suggest therapy group or otherwise, as getting through all of this without a weekly or twice weekly outlet like therapy can be extrememly daunting. Those of you with other children, Group Family counseling could be what keeps you all together as we tend to drift away from the people we love most. It is not anything we could ever know about until we are in it, but please know that enough of us are walking just a bit in fronto of you to help you up the hardest climbs, and know that we too had times when we thought we would never make it. But we do, we do and we learn so many things along the way and one day, not anytime real soon, but one day, you will stand up and feel strong again, and all along the way, your Child will be guiding your steps. 

A great book that helped me a good deal is : The Worst Loss 

this amazing place, along with therapy and daily exercise have given me what was needed to feel strength and  motivation to live my best life, which is what my Child, Erica, would dearly want.

God Bless,

Dee

[lolynbo]

LEVIS MOM,

SO SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT LEVI AND HIS GIRLFRIEND. SO SO SORRY TO HEAR AND FEEL YOUR LOSS...I TOO HAVE LOST MY 22 YR OLD DAUGHTER TO CANCER AFTER A 7 MONTH AND 2 DAY BATTLE..(READ MY PROFILE) LIFE HAS DEFFINATLY CHANGE, ITS GONE FROM HAPPY TO A DAILY HELL...IM NEW TO THIS TOO JUNE 17TH 2008...

YOUR SON IS A VERY GOOD LOOKING GUY, HOW OLD IS HE IN THE PICTURE?AND HIS GIRLFRIEND?

MAY GOD HELP AND BLESS YOU DAILY

KOURTNEYS MOMMA ALWAYS

[levismom]

Lorrie,

So sorry for your loss, my heart aches for you too....Thank you for sharing Kourtney's story, it sounds as though she is a beautiful person inside and out.  You are right in saying it is a daily hell, because I feel as though I walk it each and every day....and night.  Evenings are especially hard as that was the time when Levi and Paige were here, watching movies, hanging out, getting ready to go out or calling every few hours to update me on his whereabouts. 

The picture I have on my profile was taken 2 months before they passed.  He is an absolutely beautiful, loving, passionate, atheletic, mischievious and fun type of person.  He had the ability to turn the mundane into ALOT of fun and light up a room with his presence. 

The circumstance surrounding his death leave me with so many what ifs......I think that could drive me crazy.  God......just breathe, it is all I can do.  Thought and prayers are with you.  Take care.

Dawn

[levismom]

Ericasmom,

Thank you for the book suggestion, I will look for it.  Take care.

[ericasmom]

Hi Dawn,

yes the what-ifs will drive you crazy, did me, like what if I stayed on the phone with Eri for just one more minute, that maybe would have caused her to leave one minute later, pick up her food from Jimmy Johns one mintue later and therefore never be hit by the train. (we talked on teh phone 30 minutes before she was hit). It is normal, if normal is a word that can be applied to our lives now, to do the what-if thing, it is very normal to have a harder time in the evenings, and that is where posting comes in very handy too. If possible, read when you cannot sleep and when you have posted all that you are able, reading allows your brain to be a little less frantic, breathing may even calm some. If you know any yoga, this could be very helpful.

I went to a private therapist at around the 5 month mark, when all the shock was gone and I knew I was raw and in need of guidance. You are very new to this tragedy, I am so sorry. It takes a lot of time and energy to find ways to live this new life, but I promise you, it can be done.   Levi and his Girl look like the sweetest twosome...and it is plain to see tht he is a hugehearted young man. It shines from him. He will shine on you, they both will. I know that it doesn't feel right to be here when they are not, but you are here for a reason Dawn, so please take good care of yourself. Peace one day,

Dee

[michaelsmon]

I am new to this site as well I lost my son Michael (18) on December 7, 2008 He was in a car accident.  I have two other sons Damian (9) Skylar (4). 

[ericasmom]

Michael's Mom, again, amazing strength to find this place so soon into your journey. I will keep you in my prayers, in my heart as you along with so many others brand new in grief, find your footing. It is very hard for parents to find ways to 'parent' thier other children, so reaching out to others in similar circumstances is good. Where do you live? Do you have family or other sources of support around you and the family? Just keep coming here, if you cannot sleep come here and post, read and post, letting you know that while you feel all alone in this, there are others who also know.

My heart to you,

Dee

[michaelsmon]

I live in New York.  I feel as though family & freinds are avoiding me I feel alone.  Thanks for listening.

[mpsmom]

Dee, I think you said it perfectly..... the further away from the day Bethany left us, the more isolated I feel.  I have shared the BI website with my grief counselor, as she deals with parents who  have lost children to heart issues every day.   More than anything the pain of feeling so all alone is devastating, I am so thankful for all of my new BI family.  Even when I can't find the words to post anything, just coming and reading helps me get through to the next breath.  It helps me not to feel so isolated, I am going to start walking after the first, one of the things you mentioned is to get out in the sunshine often.  I havent been doing this.  I know the sunshine will help. Thank you !!!!

Warm Hugs to all, Marcia    Bethany's Mom  

[4everjoeysmom]

Dear Michael's Mom, I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious son, Michael.

Yes! Three weeks!! That's about the attention span of all those dear folks that always said they care so much for us...then they just disappear, as if our grief and loss is contagious. They wouldn't want to "catch what we have", for sure. Yes! I am definitely being a bit facetious. But that seems to be the pattern for most of us here...friends and family abandon us emotionally. They just aren't equipped to deal with "our reality", and as long as they stay away, they don't have to consider that it could also be their reality. Selfish? Perhaps. Self-protective? Definitely. Ignorant...indeed! Forgive them if you can. They truly have no idea...and should be grateful they don't.

It's good to connect with people who understand. When i first came here (two years ago November) after losing my son Joey in July 06, I found comfort in knowing that I was not alone in what and how I felt. I wasn't losing my mind or my soul, even though it felt like it. And there ARE people who care for me and what I am going through. You will find that too. I remember reading somewhere that BI had received awards a couple years in a row (if not more) for being the Best Grief Forum. It's true, in my opinion. I have found great compassion here and some real "keepers" (friends) that I know I could visit any time and they would ALWAYS receive me--tears or smiles, no matter.

Bless your dear, broken heart. It will be a challenge for you to grieve and continue mothering your surviving children. I pray for strength for you and courage to face each day, through the pain and anxiety you will feel for some time to come, through the missing and longing to speak to, hold, and hear your sweet son's voice, and through the long journey of "recovery and healing". You won't ever be the same. But in time you will learn, as we all here have and are in process of, that we can continue living with the blessing and love that has been planted in our hearts and lives of having had those special one-of-a-kind children who have gone too soon. Their precious memories that keep them alive with us will keep us going moment by moment, hour by hour, day by day and then some as time continues to carry on while we stand still in our grief for some time after....

Love and Hugs, and deepest condolences,

Claudia (4everJoeysMom)

[michaelsmon]

My heart goes out to too. you as well.  I am so glad I found this sight maybe I will stop reading all of the news paper articles and try to find some comfort.  I knew people that lost their children and I could only image the hell they were in, and now I am living it my self, good to know I can come here and talk to others that understand.  I work from home and I can't focus on anything.  I feel as though its all a dream. 

[arc4ever]

Michaelsmom:

You mentioned reading all the newspaper articles.  I too find myself reading papers from across the country sometimes just to see that my child is not the only child who has died.  (I'll admit maybe morbidly) I'm looking for others who are in the same pain as I am.  I do not wish this on anyone mind you, but to know there are others out there who are feeling what I am feeling makes me feel not so alone.  You are so, so new in your bereavement.  This message board does help not to feel so isolated.  I'm amazed when I see people from all over the world, Joey's mom Claudia in Ecuador, Erica's mom Dee in Illinois, Levis' mom Dawn in Canada, Bethany's mom Marcia in Nevada and on and on and on.  So sad, but so comforting to know we are not alone.  You will get to know the children on here and the parents and they will know you and Michael and we all understand what a terrible journey this is.  Like Claudia said keep reading these posts, sometimes it is hard to see all the pain it can be frightening, but it can also become helpful and comforting especially when we feel our friends and family are no longer there for us.  The "call me if you need anything" that you hear from them is just laughable to me yeah, I need something, something no one can give me, but I also need you just be there for me and sit with me and let me cry, and  not be afraid that you are going to upset me.  I'm upset 24/7.  I just need some compassion.   Sorry - went on a bit of a tangent there.  Anyway, I will keep you and yours in my prayers.  Please post as often as you feel you need to. 

Peace and love, Terrie (Adam's mom)

[michaelsmon]

To Everyone

I can't stop reading the post its so sad yet so very comforting to know I'm not alone. My son lived with his dad & step mom  in Florida for the past three years that was hard to deal with.  I saw him six months ago at his graduation (see pic) I wouldn't have missed it for the world.  I'm so proud of him.  He was suppose to visit during Christmas we never finalized the trip. 

I'm sick of people saying "your taking it well",  "It should be easy since he lived so far away" & "you have other children"  I'm sure you all know what I mean.   

 

[michaelsmon]

Adams Mom

I read the articles about my sons accident hoping one day they won't be there any more & all of this was just a bad dream.  He had two freinds in the car with him and only one survived.  

[arc4ever]

Michael's mom.  Okay that makes sense.  I know it just doesn't feel real.  I don't know if it ever will.  Adam died on March 25th this year.  He was driving to school.  We don't know what happened, it is possible he fell asleep, we do know he wasn't on his phone.  He went left of center and collided head on with a dump truck.  The impact was so bad the engine to Adam's car was thrown about 20 feet.  Adam survived the accident, was taken by life flight to the hospital, underwent surgery, made it to ICU but died shortly thereafter.  My husband and I were with him.  There was probably 40 adults and kids in the waiting room.  It is just still surreal.  Seriously, people actually think because Michael wasn't living with you the pain is any less?  Seriously?  That is just sad.  We learn to lean on those who help and ignore those who don't.  Even if it is family that is of no help.  Have you contacted a grief counselor?  I have been going.  The first few months weekly, I am now going about once a month and think I may stop for now.  It was helpful at first, but to be honest I think just talking to my husband or to a couple of good friends and my sister has been just as helpful.  The counselor is kind, but I think I need a break.  But it was very helpful the first few months.  I'm on here a lot during the day, I usually keep the site up while at work and check it in the evening.  If not me, there are, sadly, lots more of us to check in with when we need to.  Terrie (Adam's mom)

[averysdad]

Michaelsmom, I'm so sorry for you, be kind to yourself, it's still so early, I don't know if your circumstances allow it, but maybe work isn't the right thing for you right now, I went back to work early (about a month) after my sons accident, I regret not giving myself more time. You may want to contact the others you knew who lost children, I know personally the most help my wife and myself have had are from others who have also lost children and made contact with us, I consider all of them to be my most special friends now, we communicate regularly and support one another.

Levismom, I am so sad for you and your family. I still remember reading the newspaper ariticle of the their tragedy. I've been to the facebook site set up in their memory, they were such beautiful children, so many nice pictures and comments from so many friends. Sadly, many years ago I went to the same high school as Levi, I grew up in the area, and that continues to be where most of our family is from. Speaking of which, not a single phone call over the holidays from any of them, so sad, the feeling of being alone is tough. But I've grown to accept the lack of communication, the few who do still call are the important ones.

I'm glad both of you found this site, there are such kind and helpful people here, please take care of yoursleves.

We lost our son Avery on Sept 30, 2007, the day before his and his twin sisters 17th birthday. It was a highway traffic accident, the vehicle he was in was hit by another driver who fell asleep at the wheel.

Dale

 

[mikesmum]

I'm sick of people saying "your taking it well",  "It should be easy since he lived so far away" & "you have other children"  I'm sure you all know what I mean.   

Michaels Mom - I am so sorry you have lost your son.  Another Michael.  You are new to this place, but please, as you need as you want, come often, post, share.

The comments made are usually by those who sit comfortably in a world that has not been shattered by the loss of a child.  They come from a place of discomfort, these words are said many times to make them feel better about your loss.........here we all know better.

It is sad to read the postings, yet reading them gave me the feeling of understanding, of letting me know what I felt was "normal".  It saved what was left of my sanity, and in fact gave me back to my other two children.   

Levis mom - The look like two people whose connection is palpable.  I am so sorry you have lost your child.  As you say, they were together and in some small way that may be comfort.......

None of us wanted to be here, nor would we wish our experience on others so they might understand.........

Be kind to yourself.  Rest when you can, leave the reading to another time...........Take Care - Trudi

 

[michaelsmon]

Thank you all for sharing your stories my heart and prayers are with you all.

It is so comforting knowing you understand. 

[tanmanmymagicman]

Marcia; Hi how are you today?  I am doing much better after my almost total breakdown the 2 days after the holidays;  Guess what ?  I found my wallet; in my backyard?????? found my watch that I was taking in for a new battery; in my truck????? Don't ask me how it got there; Found my cross without the chain; Also I am going to take the time to share this story that happened to me yesterday;  I went to Longs Drugs to pick up my anti depressant refill and next thing I know the pharmacist is talking to me about my dogs; and kids????? an how ungrateful they can be at Christmas; well that's when I told her about my Tanner; I did not tell her he was only 16 when he left us last year; but she asked me if I went to church and I said off and on but I have asked God to come into my heart and stay there;  So I told her about my rough 2 days prior; crying ; losing things; she told me; its ok he is with you he knows;  So feeling a little comforted and wondering why she would take the time for me I went home;  I had rented a steam cleaner to clean my truck and room rugs and hall carpet; OK Marcia so here I go in the drive way to clean the truck; there lies my cross (without the chain) just random in the driveway;  Crazy that I would even notice it as it is very small but beautiful and special to me;  Then as I was cleaning the truck there under the seats was the watch;  By then I was feeling it ; I was feeling blessed;  4 hours later my daughter and her boyfriend came to use our trailer to PU some furniture; here comes my daughter's boyfriend asking me if I lost a wallet; he found one on the trailer;  So; after finding all the things I had lost the previous 2 breakdown days I called the Pharmacy and told her what I had find and to tell her she was right they are around and they did know all the things were missing;She thanked me for letting her know and said she was thankful that God used her;  I have been wanting to write and tell you;  I also opened my son's room today after reading how you open your daughters blinds;  I still have 4 plants in there that are still making it somehow;  Out of about 30 plants I think only 8 have survived;  Another thing that bothers me about this is people that EVERYTIME say I could not imagine losing a child and what you are going through;  I just hate that for some reason?  Yeah right I could not imigan it either but I didn't have a choice.  I see new people so I want to learn everyone's name and fit right in and share;  Bless you

 

[mpsmom]

Tanners Mom, I am so happy you have found all your "lost" things, "they" are around us and "they" do try to help us not lose our minds.  Yes I hate it also when people say, OMG I can't imagine.................of course you can't imagine, and as awful as it must be to lose a spouse or a parent --Thankfully I can't imagine that, it is not the saem, it is not even close.. I starting reading a book that Dee recommended "worst Loss"  last night, I had ordered it before Christmas along with 3 others and it is helpful, I guess it just helps me undertand we are all feeling similar feelings, and this is a place to come and "vent" our feelings, I sometimes send private messages as I find taht some of the things I have to say sound so 'bad' to me, I don't want them on open forum, feel free to do the same .... I think it is OK as well.....My husband and I met another couple who lost their little girl at our first compassionate friends meeting, their 3.5 yerar old daughter died the same day at the same hospital they took my Bethany to, we feellike we were brought together for a reason.  This couple is coming over on New Years Eve for dinner....should be a quiet night.  I have avoided using anti-depressants, although they have been suggested to me by many, everyone has a different way of dealing with it.. ..I took them once before many years ago and found they kept me in a zombie like state.  I need to be aware now, I don't want to miss anything......but that's just me.  I find I get comfort from opening Bethany's room every morning, i open the blinds, feed her fish and tell her good morning.....at night at dusk I close the blinds and turn on the lights, and at bedtime I go in and turn out the lights, and tell her goodnight.....It just makes me fell better.......I knwo she is watching me from somewhere up there....write when you can, Marcia    I am in front of this computer most of the time.

[ericasmom]

Marcia, so glad that the book is giving you a sense of 'normal'. The normal of course is the NOW NORMAL, and when we read things in a book that reflect or are similar to our own behaviors, or reactions, then we know that we are not alone, that others have walked this path before me, adn that I can walk in their steps when I am too tired or hurt to find my own way. Amazingly, you will find in a few weeks or months, that some of your healing will surprise you, you will have (and actually you alrady have done this) you will have assisted others newer to this than you. You will help them to hang on. When this first happened to me, after a few months of reading adn posting, I was so glad that I wasable to give some assistance the way others in front of me were able to do for me in my earliest days of grief. All of a sudden, you realize that in this grief, you have a job, a purpose in the day that is beyond your pain.

God Bless Marcia, and remember that you are strong, and that strong does not mean you cannot break down, or have a meltdown, strong means you recognize when you need to.

Love,

Dee