Loss of a Teenager

[tanmanmymagicman]

bjs mom; Yep that's exactly how we feel; I always told Tanner; Hey Tan; when I was pregnant with you I took very good care of myself and had a healthy baby boy; When you were growing up I was a good mom; made you go to the dentist; braces and all; made you eat fruit; not junk food all the time; I used to tell him I took care of your body now its up to you; please take care of yourself for me.  Went in one ear and out the other; Tanner was 16 but in a maturity of a 12 year old.  I sound like a broken record but he should not of been driving that morning and the night before????? I trusted him.................................; guilt; can't help it. What a sad and great loss for you.  Your young man was very handsome and I am sure had a lot going on for himself;  Its hard to comprehend their beautiful bodies that we helped create; strong and healthy; gone in minutes;  my son died of multiple blunt force trauma; he was thrown from the pu truck and the truck rolled over his as it rolled;  I hate even writing it but I just had to tell to how much I relate to that statement your made.  My heartfelt blessings to you;  I hope you rest well and have a peaceful day tomorrow. Tanner's mom ; Cindy; Mama Gama;

 

[ethansmuffin]

Today it is almost 3 months since Ethan's fatal accident, I really do not know what to say to all of you out there, I am reading anything about losing a child I can find - and although I realise and understand that these feelings and emotions are normal it is still so difficult, and it is getting worse...day by day....We just miss him so much...today and even the weekend was not good at all. Today I have so much anger...I have so many questions - I know my daughters (21 & 18) just cannot stand the atmosphere of sadness here anymore - I also realise that they must feel that we loved Ethan more....but still even knowing this at the moment I do not know what to do to make this all better.....So I keep doing all the wrong things.....I hope tomorrow will be better for us.....

All my love

Your friend in Namibia 

[shorty16]

To all,

Today is 7 months since my son, Brian was killed in a car-surfing accident.  Also, this Wednesday is the 6th court hearing where the boy that killed my son will plead no contest.

I am a mess.  I cannot stop crying at work.  I never new this depth of pain existed and that we could survive such pain.  Sometimes, I do not want to survive.  I just want the pain the end.  I wonder if it will ever get better.

I also wonder whether the boy that killed my son even realizes what he has done?  Does he even care?

My mind will not leave the thoughts of Brian.  I miss him so much.  His smile and energy was so wonderful and now our house is quite.  How do I go on?

Colleen  Brian's Mother Forever and I am hurting - BAD

[mpsmom]

Colleen, I am so sorry for your loss and that you have to deal with the court and facing the boy who was involved with your dear sons death.  Today is 4 months ago that my daughter left for a party and never came home again.  Hodl on tight and take deep breathes.  My prayers will be with you that you get through this horrible 'anniversary date' .   I am sorry you have to be at work.  I wish I could say something that would make the pain go away, 'they' tell me that will only happen with time, lots of time.  I hope "they' are right.  I understand you having the feeling of not wanting to go on.  Bethany was my only child.  She is still is my only child, always will be.  I am here today, if you need someone to talk to, or to yell out, I will understand... I undertand as do all of the BI family you and I have come to know.  We will make it through to the 'new normal' I just don't know exactly how. 

All my Love, Marcia   Bethany's Mom Forever and ever

[azsummer2003]

[user=9581]tigerlily68[/user] wrote:

Hi, Im Stacie, my 15 yr old daughter, Jillian, died Feb 29 th 2004. As you all know there is no greater pain then this loss. I don't relate to normal life any more, I am a much harder person and the quality of my life is just not there. I just exsist. I have had a difficult life, the single mom route, but all in all we were very happy, but this we will never overcome. You learn to live with the pain. I know. I wish with all my heart I will see my daughter again.

Hi Stacie. Your background sounds very similar to mine. I too am having a hard time getting past the point that I am at.  I wish I didn't feel this way because my daughter deserves somuch more, but I feel like I am only half a person now....

[shorty16]

Marcia,

If I could trade places with Brian, I would do it in a heartbeat!  If I new that driving my car off a cliff would end everyones pain, I would do it.  But I know I would be adding so much more pain to my family and I cannot do that.

My husband just does not want to think or talk about Brian's death.  That is so hard.  I can do nothing but think about it.  How could I have not known that Brian and his friends were car-surfing.  How could I be so stupid!!!!!

I think of 1000 different things I could of-should-of done that day to stop this and I did none of them.  I wonder if this is not hell and when we die we will go to heaven.  Hell cannot be much worse then what I feel right now.

Thank you for responding.  It is so wonderful to know that you really "get" it.  You know how I feel - I never realized grief could be so physically painful.

Colleen

[mpsmom]

Colleen, I think we would all trade places with our children so we could be in heaven watching over their lives here on earth, it is the way it is supposed to be.  Please do not beat yourself up about not knowing he was car surfing, boys do strange and dangerous stuff.  I suppose girls do stupid things as well.  My husband also does not talk about Bethany much, I know he misses her with all his heart, but he keeps it all inside, I could sit and talk about her all day long, I want to remember everything little thing she did and I want to share it with everyone, it makes me smile to remember.  But it makes him sad when I bring up the little details of her life most of the time, so I keep them to myself.  I want to hear her name; I want to recall the things she would say in a certain situation. 

 

I understand you thinking about driving off a cliff, I have thought about it for a split second many many times, of course reality sets in and I understand how devastating Bethany’s death has and continues to be, I could not do that to my husband and my parents, it would kill them.  Also I have thought that in driving off a cliff I have no guarantee that path would take me to be with her.  Grief is painful, but we must do it, we must go through it to get to the ‘new normal’ that is what my destination is.  A place where it doesn’t hurt so much, and the memories bring smiles to my face.  I cry often because I miss her so much.  We go to counseling every Tuesday morning, and it helps for a time… we loved her for almost 18 years, this pain will not go away in 4 months, I know that.  I feel like I am living in a ‘dead zone’ .  If I am not sad and crying, I am NOTHING.  Just an empty shell of what used to be a loving mother.

Warm Hugs,

Marcia   Bethany’s Mom Forever and Ever

[tanmanmymagicman]

Marcia, Bonnie and Dee; a Big thank you for taking the time to visit with my son Tanner; it means a lot to me; In fact again this site does;  It fills a big hole of loss for me.  I will take all the help I can get;  Dee are you sick????  I need to go back and read the posts like I said I was;  After a full day of cleaning house my husband and I went to see George Jones;  He was a favorite of mine in the 70;s so it was great to see him;  He was having problems breathing and singing at the same time;  Should be retired but lucky for me he hasn't as I enjoyed the concert very much; BUT I have a question??? I did not get excited about the show until we walked in and found our seats and then it hit me : I don't get excited about anything anymore?????????  I am thinking its the Pill???????????????????  I used to look forward to things; our trips to disneyland; the coast; etc.  Now I bought the tickets to George Jones weeks ago but never looked forward to it until I was there??????????  Hope everyone knows how special they are on this site; How strong they are; Marcia you amaze me; Your daughter so beautiful and your loss has not been that long; Dee you inspire with your kind words and wisdom; Marcia I am just thankful you are here at this site; I feel like I have new friends that will be there for me at this time in my life; Friends that know what kind of day I have been through;  I wish all of you a great day; this Monday morning;  I gotta get back to the housecleaning and reading the last posts and catching up;  I want to also help people;  Just acknowledgment of the pain people are in and they are not alone helps.... Blessed Day; Cindy ; Tanner's Mama Gama;

[bjsmom]

Colleen(Brians mom), i believe i know the pain you are in right now. My son's wreck involved a Brandon Ms police cruiser on a burglary call who was driving 72mph++ in a 45 zone(possibly without lights & sirens according to eyewitnesses), my son was driving 12mph as he tried to cross 2 lanes to get inside a median. The wreck occurred around midnight. Because of the police involvement the wreck is considered a criminal investigation and was splattered all over the papers & media. We had so many reporters calling us. The DA even expressed concern about the police "giving" information of my sons toxicology report. Although the newspapers got ahold of the accident report, they did not report everything as they should have. DID NOT tell about the cop having a 16 yr old boy in the passenger seat with him or that the cop was not wearing his seat belt(Ms state law & common practice for an emergency call). Also, the police are saying that the cruiser had a video-cam in the car, they are saying it was "damaged" in the wreck. My son had a female passenger in the car with him that night; she is saying that she only saw "headlights". She is doing well now after 1 surgery. The cop may be charged with "culpable negligent manslaughter" if the DA & jury decide. We go to court in 16 months. It's like a waiting death sentence! Not only do we have to cope with BJ's death but we also have to wait to see who "they" think was responsible that night. Somehow i feel like it's a losing battle; the police, DA & coroner are all too closely attached. There is a reported story on the internet called "CSI:Mississippi-a case study of expert testimony gone horribly wrong". This story explains all that is going on in Brandon/Rankin county and what kind of people we are dealing with. I feel your pain, your tears & heartache and hope that somehow, someway justice will be served. If only to prevent these things from ever happening again. BJ's mom-Deneace

[michaelsmon]

Hi Dawn

I know exactly how you feel...  Michael lived in Florida with his dad for the past three years so it is so easy for me to act as though he is just not returning my calls & that he is busy with school & work.... His father never disconnected cell phone so I call him every day (not sure if its a good thing or not but I get to hear his voice and at the moment it helps)  Some days are bad & some days are really bad.  Alot of his friends are just finding out & they are contacting me.  I feel as though I am trapped in that awful day & everyone else is moving on with their lives.  I hope for our sake one day it will get better.  Michael's girlfriend contacted me through myspace, I have been communicating with her for the past 2 weeks.  I never met her in person, but just writting to her has been a great help.  she was in Brazil when the accident occured & she missed all of the services, shes taking it really hard.  I try to help her & that helps me.  I think coming here is a big help & you should make time at least once a week kinda like if you were going to therapy.

My heart & prayers are with you always

Vicki

[Guest Cameron\'s mom always]

Colleen,

I have been hurting extremely bad today and typed in loss of a teen and saw your post.  It caught my eye immediately as my son also died from carsurfing on 3/8/08.  I am so sorry for your loss.  I believe your son died after my son did and I have been doing everything I can to prevent kids from doing such things.  We live in Florida.  The news on it was national.  It has been such a roller coaster of emotions.  How old was your son?  Mine was 18 and still lived at home.  I would love to talk to you as you are the first person I have run across whose child died the same way mine did.  The pain seems too much at times.  Hope to talk to you soon.

Wendy

[arc4ever]

Wendy,

Saw your post, looks like this is the first time you have posted to this board.  I am so sorry for your loss.  Our only child, Adam was 16 when he died from injuries received in an auto accident.  He was driving to school.  He died March 25, 2008 just 17 days after your son.  Please return here often I would like to hear about your son.  There are people here who understand and who care and who will listen.  Lots of the folks post on here and on loss of an adult child they seem to interchange a bit, so check that board also.  My prayers with you and your family. Terrie (Adam's mom)

[shorty16]

Wendy

My son, Brian was 16, 3 weeks from 17, when he was thrown from the hood of a car traveling 68 miles and hour in a 25, residential area.  The driver lost control and took out 3 trees (crabapples). The boy who was driving the car has just plead guilty to Homicide by neglegent use of a motor vehicle on 1-21-09.  His sentencing is 3-27-09. Mike is a felon for the rest of his life.  No-one wins in this.

Brian hit the ground at 60 miles an hour and took only minutes to die.  He had no head injuries.  He died from blunt force trama to the chest and abdomen.

There were 3 boys involved.  My son, Brian, Mike the driver, and a passenger, Sam who passed between hood and passenger seat (inside the car).  Sam is lucky to be alive as he was climbing in the passenger side window just minutes before the crash.  Brian, however could not climb in, because he was facing the driver. Mike was driving with his head out the drivers side window so he could see, as Brian lay on the hood.

WHAT A NIGHTMARE

Our loss is the loss of our future.  Every day I experience something new that Brian will not longer be doing.  Every day brings a new pain and going on without Brian.

Please join us here.  I love this place.  I know these people understand.  Just a couple of days ago I typed here to let them know I was so low and crying, I just could not go on and they helped me.  Even in their own grief.

I tried to send you a private message, but was unable to do so.  Please tell me about your son.  The good things also

Colleen Jackson,  Brian's Mother Forever

[averysdad]

We lost our son in a traffic accident on Sept 30th, 2007, the car he was a passenger in was hit by a another driver who was asleep at the wheel. The other driver was a 17 year old girl, she was charged with "Careless Driving", a highway traffic offence with no criminal charges but still considered a serious offence. Yesterday marked our 15th court appearance, the other driver finally pleaded guilty to the charges. Our family has agreed to go into a program called "Collaborative Justice", where by way of a third party we will exchange information with the other driver and her family, with the intent of possibly meeting face-to-face someday. I'm not sure about my participation, but my sons twin sister, who is the same age as the other driver thinks it would help her, I hope it does.

People think we are somehow relieved by the court stuff finally being over, maybe in some way we are, but we are also very sad with the reality that another aspect surrounding our son is over .

Thanks to those of you who made such nice comments about my son's video, it meant a lot, Marcia, to say that "you missed him" after you watched it was probably the nicest comment anybody has ever given, thanks.

I continue reading all the posts, I feel guilty sometimes that I don't have any advice to offer, but I'm not there yet, still one day at a time, thinking much father out is too painful, but I can seem to handle a day, then the next and the next.

Dale

 

[bjsmom]

Hello Dale, i believe i know what you mean about people thinking you should be relieved when court is over. Ours has yet to start, yet i think that although i am waiting for this to happen, i also dread the ending. There could not possibly be any justice for BJ in this case, nothing that will ever be said or done will be good enough because nothing will ever bring my son back. When court is over, no matter what the outcome, BJ will still not be here on this earth. Basically i am waiting for a judge, not jury, to decide who was at fault that night. My lawyer says that judges base a lot of their verdicts & outcomes on a re-election year and other similar things. Sounds too disheartening already! My son Bj was 19 when he was hit by a Brandon Ms police cruiser on a burglary call on 11/09/08; he died instantly.

I believe everyone on this site shares the unbearable pain, complete loss, heartbreak, turmoil, ache, churning, missing our babies, this is not real, if only we could turn back time feeling. If only we knew that we would have such a short time with our babies...I thank you all for your support & posts.

[shorty16]

Hi all

We finally purchased our urns today.  There are thousands of different types, colors, styles, etc.  We selected 4 necklaces that will contain a small amount of Brian's ashes.  We purchased 3 urns, one for each surviving child and one for us.  Michelle and Aaron selected their own urns and their own jewlery.  We went on a website called presitgememorials and it had everything we needed.

Sad that we even had to perform this task.  Took us along time to get it together.

I am also preparing my Victims Impact Statement that I will read at the sentencing of Mike on 3-27-09.  I want to read it to my family before I submit it to the judge prior to the sentencing date.

I think of all of you often and I am so glad someone knows how tough this road is.

Thank you

Colleen Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Dale

You are such a strong person for getting involved with "Colaborative Justice."  And 15 court appearances!!!!  You have me beat.  The sentencing of the driver will be our 7th court appearance and our last.

We know the driver of the car that killed my son.  He (Mike) and his family have been family friends for over a decade.  Our families both have 15 year old boys who are freshman at the same school.  Those two boys remain friends to this day.

Right now I am dealing with such sadness.  The reality that Brian is never coming back and his future with us will never be.  That is a huge hurtle I will have to overcome. (forgive my spelling)

Dale

You are so strong and a real inspiration to me.  You want to see the driver who killed your son, I do not want to, but almost have to, because of our younger sons.

Take care, I am thinking of you

[shorty16]

Hi All

I have a question for any of you who had a child that died their senior year of HS.

The HS wants us (or someone) to be there to accept Brian's diploma at the graduation ceremony.  My family will not be there, we cannot bear to see his classmates go on with their lives while Brian is dead.

Did any of you have this same situation?  If so, what did you do?

Colleen   Brian's Mother Forever

 

[dansmama]

We didn't have the same situation but it was similar. My son's football number was retired and we were invited to the ceremony. No- we couldn't do that. then a scholarship for the athlete-scholar on his high school football team was given in his name. We didn't go to that ceremony either. Personally, every day is so very hard, I can't see adding to it. Daniel's friends were there at both ceremonies. I don't think either event would have meant that much to him. We have to honor their lives however we can. Every day I try to do one act of kindness in his memory. That's something he would like.

There's my 2 cents - Marian

 

 

"I thank my God upon every remembrance of you"

Phil. 1:3

[michaelsmon]

Hi Colleen

My son died after his graduation but as a parent that has lost a child I would tell the school that the family is still grieving & we rather not be there is there anyway they can send you the diploma after the ceremony.... I think they will understand...  Do you want to go? 

Vicki (Michaels Mom)

[beatrix]

i have got such kind of trouble and disturbance by the police. That is why my baby is gone I understand thanks a all our love       beatrix

[averysdad]

Colleen, I'm not sure I'm the strong one, we agreed to the Collaborative Justice with the crown prosecutor(s), under conditions that not all of us would have to participate, and that they also allowed for his old girlfriend and the other two who were in the car with our son to participate if they choose to. Myself, I'm not so sure about it, I can't think of anyway that it might help me, and I know that the moment I have any anxiety or it causes me grief I will exclude myself from the process. We agreed to it as a family in that if it helped even one of us, then it would be worthwhile.

With regards to graduation, our son had a twin sister who graduated the following semester after the accident. We attended all the ceremonies for her, there was a grad mass, a grad ceremony, and all the prom stuff. The priest who performed our son's service also performed the service at the grad mass. The toughest part was when all the kids were led out by a bagpipe precession, I don't know what it is about bagpipes but when I saw his friends to the bagpipes I lost it. To say the least it was very very difficult, but we wanted to be there for our daughter, it was a special time for her. It was also one of those moments where it felt like every eye was on us.

I can't really tell you to go or not to, but in my experience it was very difficult and awkward, I'm glad we went for our daughter, but I don't think I would have otherwise.

Dale

[bjsmom]

Hello Dale, in my opinion you are much stronger than you realize. For us to all still "live" when our babies are gone & while the world continues to revolve, is like climbing Mt. Everest. You can barely breathe, the air is so thin, can't take another step, you just want to give up & die. Your daughter needed you and you were always there. Although you may have been the center of attention and the bagpipes played, you were still there. If only i were so strong! BJsMom(Deneace)

[mpsmom]

Colleen, I would love it if I could accept Bethany's diploma, she died in her senior year, but I have not heard anything about them asking us.   She would have graduated withher class this coming June, I don't know if they make a special provision for kids that died before they have actually earned all the graduation credits, she was taking college english classes in HS, but still needed her serior credits to be able to graduate.  If they dont ask us to participate I dont think we will go to graduation to see her classmates graduate, wea re a small HS, her class was onyl 160 at last count...... I know a lot of the kids, and the ones I don't know my husband does, from coaching and treating the kids over the last few years.

I think it is a personal choice and my fear of her being forgotten ...would make be 'able' to attend.

Marcia    Bethany's Mom Forever and Ever

[azsummer2003]

[user=9807]melstep[/user] wrote:

Hello Everyone... I've been reading all of your posts and feel for all of you - this is an unimaginable road and one none of us should EVER have to be on! It hasn't even been 2 months since I lost my one and only Jeff (14 yrs old) and some hours I’m ok, but some hours I’m so on the brink of LOSING it and it feels like I’ll be stuck in that mode for life....

I’m having such a hard time with going to work... It’s so hard because I work for a police department and hearing their radios, listening to the calls to 911, typing out the emergency reports, etc etc etc.. and each and every time it’s like an assault on me! Each image or sound brings me back to the closet where I found my beautiful boy dead, the paramedics and officers arriving, them trying to revive him, the ride behind the ambulance and into the hospital emergency room where the doctors tell me they can’t do anything...

The counselor states that I’m suffering from post traumatic stress and I’m on meds and in counseling... but I know deep down it’s just something that will always be there, kinda like on the side of my mind... poking through and sending me into a thought process that has me spiraling down and down and down...

I know it was an “accident”, that Jeff didn’t really mean to die, he just wanted the high from cutting off the blood supply to his brain for a few precious seconds... but all I see is my baby, who was my one and only, this special human being who was my child, my best friend, someone who “got” my humor, someone who brought so much JOY to everyone, who drove me nuts on occasion and enjoyed doing it....hanging by a belt in his closet.. how will this image ever go? I know... TIME is supposed to help, and I KNOW that it’s only been almost 2 months since it happened.. I KNOW I’m supposed to be grieving and I KNOW that it’s the process that we all have to go through to survive this unbelievable loss of our children.... but knowing all this doesn’t make it any easier...

Ok, I’ve ranted on enough.... thank you for listening... thank you for sharing your stories, sadness, wisdom, insights, hopes.... it’s a comfort sometimes to know that I’m not the ONLY one who knows what this feels like and knows what a road this is that we have to travel... I only wish none of us had to travel this.......

Thank you again.... Meredith, Jeff’s mom... forever

Meredith,

I am so sorry to hear of the horrifying event that you had to go through.  Please know that you are not alone. We are in this together.  Some of us make websites to honor our children or do memorials to remember them. I do both. Many of us here websites that you could look at and maybe get an idea of how to help you get through some of your grief.  I've found keeping up my son's  website is very helpful for me.  I change the music all the  time, add pictures, links, support group info.  I'll list mine and hopefully other will list theirs also.  Today I was in a better mood so I put happier music on there, but on days I feel really down, I put slower stuff up there. It seems to make me feel as though I am still caring for Taylor in a way. I hope this helps:  www.TaylorBurgstahler.memory-of.com

[mikesmum]

Meredith - I read your post and my heart went out to you on so many levels.  I worked as an Emergency Medical Dispatcher, our 000 which is your 911.  Two yrs ago  a call came in - it was my eldest son.  He was in cardiac arrest, he did not survive. 

 I was diagnosed with PTSD  4 weeks after Mike left.   I had tried to return to my job twice, but as you say each image or sound brings me back.   Its the minute I realised the address on my screen was Micheals.  I stayed with the calltaker, encouraging her with CPR over the phone.  Seeing the arrest play out on the communications computer system and that final call to tell me resus had ceased..Sitting with him waiting for the Coroner, brushing his hair and talking to him.....memories that stay transfixed in my mind.

My husband (we married 8 weeks before) was the Intensive Care Paramedic on the day.  To see him in uniform or see his ambulance in the drive unsettles me even to this day.

I have been with a PTSD counsellor for about 22 months and am only now able to find a place where the events of that day don't play 24/7.  As for the meds, well I am into natural therapies and take was is know as a Mood Stabiliser.  I lost my son and in turn my ability to connect (outside this website).

I have found this site allows me to speak openly of my fears, my loss and most importantly of my son Micheal Shane who was 31 when he left.......

I hope you are able to come often and share what you can about your son.  Stay with the PTSD counselling.  PTSD can be triggered without warning.  Given your work, the trigger is with you each day.

Memorial sites enabled me to share Micheal, his life and our loss -Take Care - Trudi

 this is Micheals.......

http://Micheal-Shane.virtual-memorials.com/main.php?action=reflections&mem_id=10554

[ethansmuffin]

We are hanging in there

27, January 2008, was the three month mark of that Monday morning that changed our lives forever… My 14 year old son, had an accident with his quadbike, and passed on in the ICU - Our loss is so devastating, a ‘good’ day is one that we can go most of the day without falling apart.  We keep on breathing and eating and sleeping and trying to work with hearts that’s been so abruptly and irrevocably broken.

The emptiness in the house is stifling and suffocating. The silence is deafening. We miss our child….We miss Ethan….I cannot begin to describe to anyone how much we miss our child….

It is just not right, it doesn’t fit, there is a piece missing, your whole life doesn’t fit anymore, everything that felt right, now feels wrong or insignificant, Joy, laughter and fun seems not to exist.…it was taken out of our lives – you feel this miserable every single day. 

As parents we were always able to fix things or make things better for our children...But this we cannot fix, we cannot make it better, so on top of everything else you are feeling, you also feel helpless...out of control and hopeless 

It bleeds into every aspect of our life’s, even with our other children, you love your other children just as much as always, but as hard as it is, even they hurt you now, because when you see them you feel and see the confusion, the hurt.

At times the nights seem to be harder than the days. You lie sleepless, as tidal waves of grief; swamp your mind with the reality of your child’s death.  Other times the days are harder, because you hopelessly wait to hear the sound of your child’s voice.

Acceptance and denial, clashing with each other as you play the part of a normal human, because as hard as you try to continue and adapt to the new normal….The harder it becomes…It’s an everyday struggle just to go through the day….. 

It's been explained that by the 3^rd & 4^th month, the numbness and shock wears off and you are faced with the revelation that your child is not coming back to this earth. It is also explained that this “journey” is getting more difficult….For now, ‘we are hanging in there’. 

We hang onto Hope, we reach out for common understanding, and we pray that in time we will found joy, peace, comfort, laughter, and all of the beauty in life again.

Enid (Ethansmuffin)

Namibia - Africa

 

[bjsmom]

Enid, i am thinking of you & your beautiful son Ethan. We too are near our 3rd month, still don't want to believe it. My days are empty, even though my house is full of fun & playing because of my small boys ages 6 & 8; Bj's brothers. They are too small to understand so i must act like the happy-go-lucky mom they have always known. My heart feels broken, cracked in someway and barely beating. I still keep moving though, only because i must. My family has always been my first thought, my first worry and my most truest love. How do i keep living when a part of me is gone. It hurts so much, just miss him so much. I feel my heart squeezing so tight. 

I am thinking of you.

BJsMom(Deneace)

[michaelsmon]

It has been 54 days since I lost my son & each day rolls to the next I feel like a piece of my heart has been ripped out and the numbness is so unbearable...  It is not getting easier I feel as though the pain is getting worse by the day..  I have my two younger children as well.  Both of them have their birthdays coming up Damian is going to be 10 on Feb 3 & Skylar is going to be 5 on Feb 4  I don't feel like celibrating & I can't bare the thought of having to buy them presents....  I have to life goes on... Life is so unfair..  What did we do to deserve this.. 

[mpsmom]

Vickie, we did not do anything to deserve this, it is just the way it is.  God brought our children up to heaven to be with him.. I understand you not wanting to go out and buy presents, but your little ones are too young to fully understand your pain.  Is there a close friend that could go shopping for you?  Deep breathes and dont push yourself to hard at work. 

Love, Marcia    Bethanys Mom

[tanmanmymagicman]

hI cOLLEEN; MY tANNER would of graduated this year; they yearbook is featuring him again as class clown; I have not been asked to attend the granducation or was invited or told to pick up his diploma; he only made it to his jr. year ; he died 1 week before school would start;   Saw Pioneer schools buses all over the place today for some reason.  I always took my lunch hr at the time just so I could pick up Tanner and see him and make sure he had something to eat and then I would tell me mom will be home in 2 hours ; I love You  I am seeing new people posting and I so feel for them.  I bless everyone at this site;  Should I call the school to see if he is even going to get a diploma??? Warm hugs to all; Cindy; Tanner's Mama Gama

[mpsmom]

Cindy, Bethany was only three weeks into her senior year, I dont know what they are planning, if anything, I need to call and figure it out too. 

Warm Hugs to you and sweet dreams tonight.

Marcia   Bethanys Mom forever

[mikesmum]

[user=25703]michaelsmon[/user] wrote:

It has been 54 days since I lost my son & each day rolls to the next I feel like a piece of my heart has been ripped out and the numbness is so unbearable...  It is not getting easier I feel as though the pain is getting worse by the day..  I have my two younger children as well.  Both of them have their birthdays coming up Damian is going to be 10 on Feb 3 & Skylar is going to be 5 on Feb 4  I don't feel like celibrating & I can't bare the thought of having to buy them presents....  I have to life goes on... Life is so unfair..  What did we do to deserve this.. 

My heart goes out to you on the loss of your beautiful Michael.  54 days is like a heartbeat on this timeless journey.  I lost my Micheal  2 years ago, and while it might seem unbelieveable, the ache in your heart will ease allowing you  to take another breath and continue on.  For now though, it is still so early.

To loss a child is an annihilation of our core belief that our children shall outlive us. Everything else shatters around us once we lose a child and we are forever changed.

It is so hard to pick up the pieces and continue on with family, even life in general.  In the weeks after Micheal left we had grandbaby birthdays and my youngest son turned 29.  I couldn't tell you what we did for either of them.  I don't even know that they got presents. The blessing is they understood their mum/grandma had changed.

If you have family around you, rely on them or a friend to help you with Damian and Skylars birthdays.  They are so young.  Its hard to explain whats happening in your life when in reality you yourself don't know the answers......

Take Care of yourself, resting when you can and dealing with only what you are able too. 

Here is where I found I gained strength and energy by reading the posts of others far ahead of me on this journey.  Post when you can about your boy, your thoughts and remember you are not alone here.

Take Care - Trudi (Loss of an Adult Child) 

[tanmanmymagicman]

Hi all; I have no business crying on everyone shoulders but I just don't know what is wrong with me today??? maybe getting sick??? I am unmotivated; even with it beautiful outside; all I want to do is cry; don't feel like doing anything; have heartburn?????? I am just a sad case;  My neighbor was telling me a problem she was having about her son and how her and her husband stress about this and that and I flat told her Loretta Let me tell you those problems of yours seem big and I tell you they used to be big to me also but if I had TANNER back nothing would be big enough...................................................... I would have everything; We would make it work.  But I don't have Tanner so, yes I am having One of those damn days that I have not had in awhile.  I just want to hurry and type and go cry.  I tried to call 2 friends that I knew I could talk to but they both went to voice mail...............OK I know I am a pity party today while all of you are so strong and its only been months!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bless all of you; Maybe instead of crying I will go outside and take some deep breaths.  Just know I read the posts and you all ROCK;  Love Cindy; Tanner's Mama Gama;  I know Tanner would not want me so sad.

[mikesmum]

[user=19712]tanmanmymagicman[/user] wrote:

Hi all; I have no business crying on everyone shoulders but I just don't know what is wrong with me today??? maybe getting sick??? I am unmotivated; even with it beautiful outside; all I want to do is cry; don't feel like doing anything; have heartburn?????? I am just a sad case;  My neighbor was telling me a problem she was having about her son and how her and her husband stress about this and that and I flat told her Loretta Let me tell you those problems of yours seem big and I tell you they used to be big to me also but if I had TANNER back nothing would be big enough...................................................... I would have everything; We would make it work.  But I don't have Tanner so, yes I am having One of those damn days that I have not had in awhile.  I just want to hurry and type and go cry.  I tried to call 2 friends that I knew I could talk to but they both went to voice mail...............OK I know I am a pity party today while all of you are so strong and its only been months!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bless all of you; Maybe instead of crying I will go outside and take some deep breaths.  Just know I read the posts and you all ROCK;  Love Cindy; Tanner's Mama Gama;  I know Tanner would not want me so sad.

Cindy - I checked the criteria for 'crying on peoples shoulders and holding a pity party' and you just scrape in!  You lost a child, a part of you impacts on your very being.....losing a child makes the problems we once thought important pale into insignificance.  This journey can give such a false sense of 'wellbeing'.  One day we have the strength and foresight of the prophets, the next we are awash with heartache and sadness....

I have this affirmation on my fridge... "dance as though no one is watching etc".......

My new take on this........

Cry - if you have the need, it may washaway and ease the pain or just make you tired enough to sleep                        

Scream - if nothing else it will let you and others know you are alive

Laugh - you are allowed, you would have with your child, now laugh with others who remember them too

Live - one step at a time, one day at a time, the way your child would have wanted you too

Remember - memories of times gone by, good and bad.  While the child may have died, your relationship remains........

Above all Cindy - never apologise for mourningthe loss of one so important in your life.  Take care.

[tanmanmymagicman]

thank you Marcia, you are a strong mom.  I am being a big baby today;  Not even sure I could go to the graduation to tell you the truth????????  I will just be glad when they all graduate so I don't have to read about them in all the basketball and soccer events that Tanner would of been in.....I know it sounds selfish.  Hope you are having a good day.  Wish I felt like baking something to make my alittle more home ie  all homes or just anything...................... I am going outside and see if anything helps................  What are you thinking about graduation.????????

[tanmanmymagicman]

thank you very much the tears feels so good...........................................

[tanmanmymagicman]

Enid, I am already crying so reading your posts makes me cry more; I think that is what I need today; Your son so damn young; Quad bikes we have 3 ; now they sit in our neighbors garage as I cannot look at them.  we let them use them and at first I did not like it now that I know the neighbors better I am happy they are being used;  that was our big family outing going to the coast; my husband , daughter and tanner riding quads while mom sat in the truck watching the ocean and reading books and eating.  Good times.  There have got to be good times ahead for us.  Their has got to be a reason out boys were taken away from us that morning so young.  Why us????? I am selfish and know the answer will be reveled when its our time;  we just loved our boys more than ourselves and it hurts ; some mom's do better than other's.  Can keep their jobs and keep on working.  I am praying to be strong again and I thought I was there and then today happened?????????????????????????????????? All weepy and feel like everything is a mess; finances; our daughter; her boyfriend; you name it ; its all making me sick to my stomach.  Now the phone just rang and I am thinking oh good one of my friends calling but no its someone saying are you over your head in credit card debt????????????? Well I can say yes to that.  We need to start watching our pennies my husband works for a union and the state of CA needs to pass a budget or he will not have work and I just got off of disability ; hoping to retire as I am 55 but not sure we can.  We do a lot for our daughter and I mean a lot; she drives a nicer car than us................................................................. Stop me or I may go on forever; just thank you for this site; I enjoy it so much and I honestly have very very good days where I am happy; just don't know whats wrong with me today.  Sending a warm embrace to all the loving lose some parents out there; Cindy; Tanner's Mama Gama..........................................................................................................................................I would go to the cemetery but that makes me feel even worse......... Enid; your son; looks like such a boy; crazy kids my son so careless about his beautiful life.

[bjsmom]

Cindy(Tanner's momma), i too am having one of those days. I got off work and started crying on the way home. Everyone at work acts like nothing has happened. So as soon as i get into my car the tears are overwhelming, basically feel like BJ was not important to anyone except me. As i drive into my small town i stop by out local store. Of course, i see one of BJ's best friends grandmother. She yells across the store, "how are you doing". I want to scream, but answer, "i'm ok". Then as i pull up to our 1 major stop sign, i see 3 of BJ's best friends in their truck. They pull from the stop sign without a care in the world and all i can think is that BJ should be with them. In fact, one of the boys stayed with BJ the weekend before he died and 2 of these same boys saw BJ 2 hours before the wreck as he left our small town to go to his dorm & then Brandon. Sometimes life is too much! We live in such a small town and all i see are memories everywhere. Bj was here, BJ did this, BJ would have been loving this beautiful sunny day. Memories are sometimes so heartbreaking! The weekends are the worst. Bj mostly always stayed close by home on Fridays, but it's the Saturday nights that kill me. He loved them and this was the night that he died on. Everyone's life is still ongoing, everyone is still having fun; my son is dead. For some reason today, i cannot get the memory of his wreck from my mind. I see in my mind what he saw, i imagine the fear that he felt, if he even had time to feel anything. I have always had a fear of high-speed car wrecks & drowning. It's so hard for me to imagine my son in this type of horrific car wreck. I normally try hard to dismiss these thoughts as i know where they lead. Today is different somehow, and i cannot stop my brain. I cry in the car, i cry sitting at this computer, i cry in the shower and basically everywhere i think no one will hear me. I cry & cry all the time. Never thought i had this many tears inside me but somehow they keep pouring. I get down on my knees in front of his pictures & cry to my son and hope he knows that i will never forget him, never give up on him when all else fails him & everyone has forgotten, i will always be there; his momma in life, his momma in death.

I just last week told my husband, " you know all the bad times when we were worried about bills & such and thought life was so crappy. Well, everything would be perfect now if only BJ were here. I would not give a da** about anything. Life would be so great". It took the loss of my son for me to realize how good life really was. Just wish i would have realized this earlier & not taken it for granted.

BJsMom(Deneace)

[tanmanmymagicman]

Deneace; Yep; that's exactly what I told my neighbor and she REALLY took it to heart (bless her) I am happy for her but sad for me.  But she does realize she has everything.  Good husband and 2 teenagers.  Me I am home alone; instant empty nest.  Feeling sorry for myself I know will not help. Its really hard living a small town.  I thought mine was small but yours sounds scary small.  Can't hide.  I keep my head down a lot on (those days) and pretend like I don't see people like I know ALOT of people pretend they do not see me.  I know the "how are you doing"? question well.

O my what do you say my answer is usually we are hanging in there Ya know one day at a time but the want to say we hurt like hell and miss Tanner so much!!!!!!!  I am so sorry about seeing his friends because that is hard for me.  Our town is big so I try to avoid lunchtime when I know the kids will be out because that's when I see them all.  Yeah living life (like they are suppose to) never mind Tanner's not with them or will not graduate with them this year ; he is hanging out at the grangeville cemetery; him and his beautiful body; well you can tell I am angry and cranky and teary today.  Good thing I don't work right now I don't know how you do it.  I can honestly say I have 6 days to 1 bad day but have not had a day this bad in months so I am thinking I must be getting sick......... or dying of loneliness.

In the early days I replayed the accident in my mind over and over and what my son went through and even now if someone pulls in front of me and I have to serve and my stomach drops I think of what Tanner must of went through.  I just hope it was quick.  they said minutes.......................................Dance; I even had pictures taken of Tanner after the accident and then I went as far as to go to the Highway patrol dept. and get pictures of the accident scene including tanner on the side of the road.  I sure hope this does not upset you. but I guess I just think maybe it is normal.  My husband would not look at one picture and still has a hard time looking at any pictures of him.  We all grieve different.  I do not look at the pictures anymore and I keep my mind away from replaying the accident(that's a hard one) of course we do not want out kids to be scared or to suffer.  Thank you God it was over fast; probably slow for my Tanner.  Well I sure hope I have not upset or offended anyone here.  Everyone helps everyone and honestly you are the only friends I really have.  I can't dump these thoughts or advise on anyone else.  So thank you all.  Bless you;  Wish I had some magic words.  Cindy; Tanner's Mama Gama; till I meet him again.

[tanmanmymagicman]

trudi; thank you for your thoughts. you are an angel.  My husband says we are goiing to church tomorrow.  so off we go...................

[tanmanmymagicman]

taylor's site; sureal;  Do you think God has a plan for all of us??? Do you think that was Taylor's day??????? I am unafraid to die now that I has lost my son;  Life as we knew it is over and now we live a new life;   Thank you so very much for your site for your taylor; it was awesome; I hope you are having peaceful, happy days.  Today has been hard for me; just out of the blue I woke up this morning and have been crying all day and feeling sorry for myself and making myself sick;  My Tanner was my baby he was 16 and I know someday I will find out the reason for all our suffering without him;  Thank you again for your site; Your son is so proud;  I bet my Tanner gave him a high 5.  my son is at mem.com; Houk;

thanks again.  Many blessings to your family.  Our family has many blessings ; just hard to see through our loss; its been 18 months.

Cindy; Tanner's Mama Gama               Love you Tan:dude:

[bjsmom]

Cindy, what you said about the pictures i can totally understand. No, this does not offend me in any way. In fact, i did not know the police could/would give you the accident scene pictures???? How did you go about this???? I am the same about BJ and as i posted on another forum, i have this "craving" to see my sons pictures. You see, my mother was the only person i have ever loved who had died. She had a massive heart attack while babysitting BJ when he was only 8; she was 76 yrs old but acted 50. She loved him sooo much and took him everywhere showing him off to all her older friends. I'm sure BJ was the center of attention. Anyway, BJ was actually the one that found her that day. She had sent him to take a nap & when he awoke he smelled something burning & saw smoke; she was making his dinner at the time. He ran into the kitchen to find her laying on the floor; he then went next door to tell the neighbor. I later found out that she had told him to do this, maybe she knew something we did not know and she wanted him to know what to do in case of any emergency. My mother adopted me at birth when she was in her late 40's; she was a single mother of 3 adult children so when i came along i was the baby. After her death, me & my much older siblings fell apart. We do not speak at all. I have tried, just to keep the family together, but you can only try so much. Guess they feel like i am the outsider in all this. 1 sister did come to BJ's funeral, all the while apologizing for not being in our life.

While this may seem weird for most i have always, since my mothers death, wanted to keep personal momentos. When my mother died i packed up a few of her most favorite clothes and put them inside a suitcase to keep. That's all i took from my mothers life, beside a few pictures. I even took pictures of her laying in her coffin at the funeral. To me, this was just normal. I loved her in death, just as much as i loved her in life. I even asked the funeral director if i could personally fix her hair. She had just gotten a perm and would have been horrified if anyone saw her with it all "frizzy". This was the same with BJ. I wanted to take pictures of him laying in his casket; this would be the last time i would ever see him and i did not want that "one instant" gone forever. I know that everyone says you must remember him during the good times, but i want to remember my son through every time. I remember walking in to see him and crying so hard that my camera was shaking. I did take a few good pictures though and i will never regret having or taking these pictures. He looks so peaceful. I went to the Sheriff's office the day before Thanksgiving to pick up my sons personal belongings; clothes, wallet, cell phone & such. They refused to give me anything before the "investigation" was over. I then went to look at his car for the first time since the wreck. I cried when at first i saw it; i then took pictures. He loved his car, so by looking at it i did not see his death only, i see his love too. I know i am different than most mommas, i know most don't want to see what their child has been through. I, from the very beginning wanted to see what my son saw that night. I have driven by the "accident" scene several times, turning around & around just to take another look. I have started taking a small wreath to this site. Although the police will probably take it down, i will replace it again & again. I will not let the people of Brandon Ms forget my son or what happened to him. BJsMom(Deneace)

[tanmanmymagicman]

Hi bjs mom; did you get my email???? I am having problems sending them.  As far as getting the pictures from the Highway patrol I just went there and told them I wanted them.  Losing Tanner has taken a lot of shyness away from me. #1, I did not care what they thought of me. #2 those were pictures of my SON!  Well they acted surprised that I wanted them and they told me they would order me a copy.  So the next week they called me and I had to pay for the copies and oh how they broke my heart but I think it was that I JUST HAD TO SEE IT;  it was just so surreal telling me that morning that my son was under that yellow tarp.  I HATE myself for not looking at him and giving him a kiss and telling him mom was there; I was  saying over and over I know this is not a dream but it has to be.  I had to be sedated; honestly I just wonder how I am still living.  But God has other plans for me............................................................  Just be prepared if you get the pictures as they show everything.................................My son was driving ; he somehow slipped though my busy morning and I was not paying attention to what or where he was; I was cleaning carpets and my husband and i went to breakfast; when I got home I got the call from his friend that Tanner rolled the truck and I am like; I thought Tanner was home????????????????????   I have another story to tell you about that morning that will give you more faith.  I am just not feeling too good right now so I will write in a few more minutes; Marcia; did you get my email???????? Also Deneace I need to tell you about my MOTHER.  she died 7 months before Tanner................this is erie.

[bjsmom]

Hey Cindy, yes i did get the message and will reply! I will definitely have to check on these pictures from the police. It could not be any worse than seeing my son that morning in the hospital. You see, we live almost 2 hours away from where the wreck occurred. It happened around 12:15am but we were never contacted from the police. A friend at work actually called to tell us; this was at 3:15am. We then took our 2 small boys to my husbands brothers house and then drove to Brandon. We(my husband & i) were the only ones to go "identify" my son; as i said before we were a small family of 5. His dad(my ex) had been contacted at work by his family but they took him home; his wife, BJ's stepmother was at her family's house in Alabama at the time. I am selfishly happy in the fact that although the wreck was horrific in every way, BJ's body did not show hardly any visible signs. He had a few tiny cuts and 1 small gash in his leg but other than that he just looked asleep. Bj's injuries were all internal.

Please write to me anytime and feel free to talk about anything. I do know the pain & heartbreak that you feel.

BJ'sMom-Deneace

[ethansmuffin]

Ethan was born 15 February 1994 - He was such an awesome kid – he was the cutest baby you can lay your eyes on- very inquisitive, very intelligent….very often so naughty….he was the class clown, but a straight A student, he loved math’s – He was so funny, you could hear his laughter  a mile away –We use to joke about Ethan’s circle of friends the youngest being 4 years old and the oldest his cousin of 23….boys, girls…of every race, culture and color – Our friends called our house the UN head office….

 Ethan played soccer, he did swimming, he loved water sport…. but he’s overall passion was bicycles, motorbikes and quad bikes – He was Wild at Heart – If I have to count the times when we had to rush to the emergency room of hospitals…it will be a lot of times….Ethan had an accident every 2^nd month….minor accidents of course with he’s stunt bike or mountain bike….but never with his Quad-bike –

He loved music…he could beat box like a pro…to the amusement of all children in the complex (We live in a Sport complex). He was the play station champ…very competitive….even in school…He was sweet naughty….boy naughty….did the funniest things….He was such an affectionate boy, he called me "muffin", he absolutaly loved his 2 sisters - Ethan's 15th Birthday is coming up - it will be his crown birthday, it is so hard for us knowing he will not be here - He was so excited about his birthday -

[shorty16]

Tanner's Mom

I am in the same situation as you and so many others.  My son, Brian would have been a senior this year.  The school called and asked who would be at the graduation to accept Brian's diploma.

It sure will not be me!!!  There is no way I am sitting through that.  I am talking to my family about this and it seems we will reply to the school this way:  "Our family is still in too much grief to accept Brian's diploma at the graduation ceremony.  Please include a moment of silence for my son when his name is called and mail the diploma to our home."

Our family is donating the senior gift to the school this year; 5 lannon-stone benches.  Lannon-stone is indiginous to our area and is a beautiful stone that is carved and chizled.  This is a long-lasting donation that can be used by all people.

As for me, I cannot and will not go to the graduation ceremony.

Colleen  Brian's Mother Forever

 

 

[tanmanmymagicman]

Collen; I today agree with you.  No one has called me but I am not expecting it as he was only going into his Jr. year when we had the accident.  Benches sound like an awesome idea; I have a $1,000.00 that I am giving as a scholarship this year and I like the bench idea too; I would want my handsome son picture on it...........................There would BE NO WAY; I could go to the graduation.  My goodness and see all the mom's and dad's watching their kids graduate and they would all be looking at me like WHAT????? are you doing here??????? No way;  I barely hang on some days as it is.  One thing about losing a child it takes away your fear of death completely; I am more compassionate; and more gutsy; assertive that's the word I am looking for;  No one cuts in front of me in line anymore; there are a few exceptions and that is the compassionate part.  I bought a toy for a child last month as her mom was short 4 $ so I gave it to her..................... Well it been a rough weekend I beat myself up pretty bad but am pulling out of it today was some new ideas to live on. sure you know what I mean.  Cindy; Tanner's Mama Gama; Love you Tan so much baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are happy; Mom will try to be better to herself;

[mpsmom]

Well today I went to the High School to ask about the memorial plaque the student council is planning on puttting up to honor my Bethany.  The principal is working on it, we talked about if I wanted a ceremony or what??    I know she meant well in asking...... "no just have the janitor screw it to the wall."    Of course it would be nice to something , something small, we are also arranging to have a tree planted in the memorial garden courtyard, she thought we would wait until June to do this, I told her we needed to do this soon, as 118 in las vegas is not a good time to plant a tree. 

We also talked about graduation, yes I am going, to see all of her friends graduate and they will have a minute of silence and something nice to say about Bethany not being here in body but in spirit.  I have to do this, I don't know where the strength will come from, but I will do it for my little girl.  The are talking about releasing balloons in her honor from the stands.  We are a small High School, only 165 or so in her graduating class.   This is Mayberry USA, very small town.   A nice place to live and raise kids.  I think she would want me to be there, if I feel I can, and Today I am planning on it.

Love to all, Marcia    Bethanys Mom Forever

 

[tanmanmymagicman]

Marcia; I think that is so wonderful that you feel you need to go for your daughter to the graduation.  With you attitude I am sure you will not be sorry you went.  You will just feel proud of yourself and that will give you more strength and energy for this grief trip we are on.  Talk to you SOON>>> cindy; tanners Mama Gama