Loss of a Teenager

[tanmanmymagicman]

Hi Marcia; Happy New Year!  I will try and get that book also;  I have so many books and some have really helped ;  I tend to skip pages and can't stay focused for too long????? Glad you are getting together with friends for New years; friends that Really know how each other is feeling;  The only person I know that has lost a child; she is Very Nice I admire her so much; she really does not want much to do with me; well maybe I should put it another way; she would love to get together but I think I bring her back to her loss and I think she knows what she can handle and what may set her back and have sad feelings;  she lost her 11 old son in a farm accident;  He was there only son; they have since sold their farm and moved into town;  She came over at my request when i first lost my Tanner; but really had no words and I KNOW now that I was selfish to even ask for her;  Its OK.  We got invited to a dear neighbors house for dinner tonight and I so wanted to go ; but my husband as usual; not feeling good; he does have a cold; and is anti-social with a lot of people; lets just say he does waste his time chit chatting with people he has nothing in common with; but for the others he could talk and laugh all day;  I could of pushed it but he worked all day and I didn't;  I love this site and I am in awe how strong you are.  You know what just popped in my head inter strength; I think so of us have it and some of us its a little harder;  I am doing good today;  Crazy how I had my 2 day meltdown and lost so many things; just to start finding them one by one; the last one today; my spare glasses;  We are blessed from above; Everyone here that has lost a child/teenager is blessed to have had them; and blessed that they are still around us and they are in a peaceful, blessed place;  I enjoy life; but I call this world a pit;  we live in the pit of the world; struggle to make it through each day;  I will be glad when the sun is out again; its been foggy and cold here in Hanford, Ca.  heartfelt best wishes for a good new years to everyone and their families; Cindy

 

[tanmanmymagicman]

Hi Dee; I have been meaning to tell you I love your daughters name Erica;  I almost named my oldest daughter that; that was back in the day when I was first married and then pregnant and watching ; oh I can't think of the name of the soap show???? I was watching at the time but her name was Erica Kane on the show.  I just loved the name and still do;  Want to wish you a happy new year; and thank you for being here;  I can't remember which mom it was; I know I need to write the names down; but I love reading the posts; IT HELPS; but when she said she would check other newspapers for accidents I thought ; well I am not the only one; and I feel exactly the same way;  Its just so we don't feel; we are the only one; but yet we hate to have it happen to another family as we know the pain they will go through.  Happy New Year; 2009 right around the clock;  Sincerely , Cindy ; Tanner's Mama Gama

[levismom]

Bethany's Mom

Thank you for sharing how you make it through your day.  I will also try to do something for myself and something for Levi.  Daily I feel as though this cannot possibly be real and if it is I cannot believe I still am able to exist, how does this happen?  I also wonder if anyone else has the feeling like their heart is about to explode, I walk through the cloud fog of my day feeling as though any moment that will happen.

I cannot/willnot wish all the members a Happy New Year, but I do wish each and every one of you a little more peace, day by day, in the New Year.

[levismom]

Avery's Dad

Thank you for letting me know that you were aware of the horrible tragedy involving Levi.  Levi has been gone for twenty five days now, everyone has gone back to their lives and it is starting to feel as though people would rather pretend my son didn't die.

The picture you have posted of Avery is beautiful, love his hair!  Take care.

Levi's Mom

[mpsmom]

Levi's Mom, I hope you made it thru New years eve and day, the celebrations all around are difficult for me.  Myprayers are withyou as you begin this journey, my only advice for you is to being reading, post here as often as you feel up to it, read the posting, old and new and get alot of rest, my husband made sure we ate every day, or I would not have eaten at all.  Your angels are watching over you, and with be with you always.

Warm Hugs to all, Marcia   Bethany's Mom

[michaelsmon]

Levis Mom

I have the same feeling (Like my hearts about to explode) For about a week now I have been a complete basket case not eating, crying, not sleeping, I am so glad the holidays are over... I don't know your situation do you have other children. I know being alone is the worse thing for me.  I have two other children they were visiting family this week and I thought it would be good for me to have some time to myself it was the worse thing.  I picked them up last night and although it will never be the same & they remind me more of Michael more & more every day it is comforting and they keep me very busy (less time to torchure my self)  We are both so new at this I lost my son Dec 7, 2008.  I am so sorry for your loss.  My prayers are with you. 

Michael's Mom

[mpsmom]

Michaels Mom, Even after 3.5 months there are days my heart feels like it will explode, please get rest, and force yourself to eat, something......you need all of your strength to survive this, I know somedays I wonder if in fact I do want to survive, but everyday we force ourselves to go on... Our children would want that...I know you are tired of hearing that....but it is try, our children do not want us 'to die' with them.   Hang on, if even with the tips of your fingernails, it gets 'softer'.

Warm Hugs, Marcia   Bethany's Mom

[michaelsmon]

Marcia

I am so very sorry for your loss.  Your daughter is very pretty (nice pic.) Thank you for the kind words.  I will try to take better care of myself and I will try to eat regularly (it has been the last thing on my mind) I feel hopefull knowing I can come here to share with others ( as silly as it may sound ) I read your post the one about the e-mail you got from a freind its funny how they try to reach out... they really have no clue nor will they...  I'm sure she meant well.  I didnt' get any Christmas cards I've been just getting sympathy cards and there still coming I got 2 more today better late then never I guess.. 

Vicky Michael's Mom

[michaelsmon]

Marcia

I also work from home I can't seem to focus & get anything done any suggestions.

Vicky (Michael's Mom)

[levismom]

Hi Vicky,

Michael is a very hansome young man, how old is he? My son died the day before your son. Levi and his girlfriend were visiting his dad when the house they were in caught fire and they died of smoke inhalation. Both of them were 17 years old.

I do have three other children, a son in college (2nd year), a daughter who is 13 and another son who is 14 months. The baby has probably saved my sanity, as he does not allow me to take the time to grieve....not too sure if this is good or bad. I do know what you mean about it being horrible when your children left for a few days during the holidays, mine did too (except for the babe). They went to see their father, I had alot of anxiety about them being gone and alot of hurt to know they were hurting so much and I was not there to comfort them.

Thanks for sharing that you too feel as though your heart will explode at any second.....it is comforting to know that perhaps this is a normal (if there is anything normal about this) reaction.

Take care.

Dawn

[michaelsmon]

Hi Dawn

Levi is very handsome too.  I am so sorry that is such a tragic story.  I couldn't help but notice you joined BI the day before I did,  22 days after.  Have you been in touch with Levi's girlfriends family at all. 

Michael is 18 years old,  he was in a car accident.  He was driving home from a party with two friends.  He lost control of the car and it hit a tree.  Michael & one of his friends were prononced dead on the scene, the other boy was in critical condition and flown to the hospital.  I know he is out of the hospital now but I'm sure hes in for a very long recovery.  Michael lived in Florida with his dad, I live in New York.  I  only spoke to his dad once since the funeral. 

Vicky (Michael's Mom)

[michaelsmon]

Hi Dale

Avery is very good looking luv the hair.  I veiwed the photo album you made it is lovely.  I am internet illiterate was that hard to do maybe you can give me some tips. I am so very sorry for your loss. 

Vicky (Michael's Mom)

[shorty16]

Hi

I have been on vacation and reading some posts of new people.

Vicky, so sorry for the loss of your Michael.  Words cannot express my sorrow and sadness.

Dawn, Levi was a handsome young man.  Your loss also is new.

I have talked with Marcia, Bethany's mom, she is also newer on this journey.

I am really trying to remember names and loved-ones-lost, because I want to get to know the people that share my sorrow.

We lost our 16 year old son, Brian in a carsurfing accident on 6-19-08.  The boy that was driving is facing homicide charges.  We have been in court 5X.  Sixth scheduled for 1-21-08.

For the first 4-6 weeks you will not be able to keep a thought in your head.  My brain ran one program - "How could my 16 year old be dead?"  "What the heck is carsurfing and why was Brian on the hood of a car going 68 miles an hour?" This did not happen.  Someone wake me up, please - anyone!

Then reality sets in.  Brian is really not coming back!  I have not completely accepted this fact, but the waves of pain I endure remind me I can fight no more.

I want all you mother's to know you have friends here on BI. I understand the crying fits.  The mis-placing things, forgetting things, pain.  I never knew this depth of grief existed.

Colleen   Brian's Mother Forever

[levismom]

Hi Vicky,

Your story is also so tragic....how does this happen, u know how is it that so many things had to line up in a particular order for these tragidies to have happened to all of these children.

I have been in contact with Levi's girlfriend's family, not as much contact as I would like....I was in Alberta getting ready for Levi's funeral when the other family had Levi's girlfriends funeral, so I was not able to attend.  We spoke on the phone a few times and they attended Levi's memorial when we got back to Regina, Saskatchewan.  Both of the kids family live in Regina but they died in Alberta visiting Levi's Dad.

Have you had contact with the kids familiy's that were involved in the accident?  Hope you find some moments of peace today. 

Light and love,

Dawn

[michaelsmon]

Hi Colleen

I am so sorry for your loss.  I know reality su**s.  I hoped one day I would just wake up and find out its just a terrible nightmare... no such luck. 

I wish you the best when you go to court. 

My heart & prayers are with you

Vicky (Michaels Mom)

[michaelsmon]

Hi Dawn

I haven't been posting much I've just been reading.  I wish there was some reasoning behind all the tragic losses....  I hope you can find some peace too.   I did not contact any of the boys families legal issues.  My heart & prayers are with them I wish a speedy recovery to the survivor & I know what the other family is going through.  (not that thats ever enouph) Today is Michaels one month anniversary in heaven... 

Your always in my thoughts and prayers.

Vicky

[mpsmom]

Vicky, the one month date is hard, My prayers are with you, however I am sorry to say that at the one month mark, praying was not something I wanted to do, or that I found comfort with.  My faith has been challenged tremendously.  Take lots of deep breaths today and get lots of rest.....be easy on yourself.  Today is a day to 'let the work' sit on your desk.... there is always tommorrow.

Warm Hugs to you, Marcia    Bethany's Mom forever and ever

[michaelsmon]

Marcia

Thank you!  I am taking it easy today and I am not feeling guilty about the work piling up any more.  It will get done eventually and if Charlie (my boyfriend)  needs it done sooner he can hire someone to do it.  I left you a post at loss of adult child did u see it.  I am feeling so empty & alone again it comes & goes the tears come & go too.  I miss him so much. 

Vicky

[mpsmom]

Yes, Thank you I did see it... Thank you ...20 years has been a long road, and without our daughter the next 20 will seem like eternity.  AT some point you will want to work for the distraction, I find some days I want to be so busy I can't take the time to think until bedtime, then it all hits at one time. 

Marcia

[michaelsmon]

Marcia

I know I love the days I'm so busy I can't even think.  I could be that busy every day but for some reason any little distraction that pulls me away its just so hard to focus again and continue.  I start my day with so much ambition and that just gets lost with the rest of  my thoughts..  I now have piles on my desk if I do one pile a day I will be done by next Friday its small piles at a time.

Thanks for your kind words and repling to my post it means alot to me.

Vicky

[michaelsmon]

Another sleepless night I cry all the time.  The empty feelings the pain is overwhelming.... I just don't know why...  I'm glad I made it throught the holidays and they are over.  Everyone is moving on.. I feel stuck in that dreadful day. 

[michaelsmon]

Hi Dawn

How have you been I haven't seen you online for some time now is everything OK.

Vicky

 

[mpsmom]

Vicky, it does get more gentle..... everyone has told me this, and it IS true....

Marcia, Bethany's Mom

[michaelsmon]

Hi Marcia

Some days r just so hard to get through. Yesterday was definatly one of those days.

My thoughts & prayers are with you always

Vicky (MichaelsMom)

[adamsmom]

Vicky,

It does get much easier, you will never be without pain, but it will get easier as time goes on. Time doesn't take the pain away, it just teaches you how to live with it, or that is how it has been for me over the past 11.5 years.

We go on, because we are not given a choice, but we do chose how we handle the situation. I wanted to die with my son Adam, but I didn't, then I thought I wouldn't survive, but I have. Take care of yourself and the rest will fall in place. One small step at a time, your time, not someone else's.

Keeping you in my prayers

Pat....Adam's Mom

[michaelsmon]

Pat

It is just to new right now and I guess I am at the denial period... this can't be real... I look for reasoning that is not there...

Its been 11.5 years for you,  I am so sorry for your loss.  How old was Adam and how did it happen.  Do you have other children. I know for me my kids are keeping me sain.  Without them I don't know.... 

Vicky(Michaelsmom)

[adamsmom]

It is all new for you and it breaks my heart that you are here, because I do remember that feeling in the beginning. I just wanted to give you some hope that one day (and no one can tell you when that day will be) it will be easier.

Adam was sixteen and died from injuries that he sustained in a one car accident. He lived for 3.5 hours after it happened. It will be twelve years April 3rd. That seems like an eternity ago and other times, it's like it happened yesterday. My life and yours will never be the same, how could it be???

I have a grown daughter, Candi. She and Adam shared the same birthday, she was eight years older than he was. She is married now with three sons, Brady, Shea and Bryson. So yes, other children help, but they will never fill the void that is left. They ease the pain a little.

I so wish I could take away your pain, but all I can do is pray and listen.

Pat (Adam's Mom)

[michaelsmon]

Pat

I know nothing takes away the pain.  Its just eases it,  Michael was in a car accident too.  I see you just joined BI too. Did you have any counceling?  I am looking into some kind of couceling for me & the kids my 9 yr old is taking it hard he gets upset when he hears his name the 4 yr old  dos'nt understand.  Thats funny that Brian & his sister share the same birthday 8yrs apart.  My son Damian's (9)  Birthday is Feb 3, & my Son Skylar (4) is Feb 4, they are 5 yrs apart 1 day apart.  I once new 3 sisters sharing the same birthday w/ their mom.  Well enjoy your grandkids to the fullest.

Vicky

[adamsmom]

Vicky,

I found this site purely by accident. I was viewing the obits of four teenagers that died in a car accident in October this year and the funeral home had this site on their website, so I read a lot of the post and decided that since I was so far into my grief that maybe I could help someone.   I hope in some small way, I will.

As far as counseling, I attended the Compassionate Friends in our area for about three months but for some reason, that didn't seem to help. Not that it won't help you because it might be just what you need. I journaled and I wrote letters to Adam about my grief and how much I missed him and I truly believe that and the grace of God is what got me where I am today. We are all different and we will all grieve in different ways. I wish I could tell you what would be best for you, and I keep going back to taking it one day at a time. Right now, that is all I can tell you that may help. There is no miracle cure for a broken heart, but oh how I wish there was.

I love all three of my grandsons dearly and like I said earlier, they have brought a lot of love and joy to my life, but they will never replace their uncle. And that's another whole subject, but we'll talk about that another day.

Was Michael alone? That is one thing that I am thankful for, there was no one else involved with Adam. He lost control of his truck and hit a concrete bridge. Sort of sad that we look for things to be thankful for in our situations, but knowing that he didn't hurt anyone else or someone didn't do this to him, is in a very small way, easier to accept.

Just hang in there, better days will come.

Pat

[michaelsmon]

Pat

I is a grest website I'm glad you found it.. Unfotunatly Michael was not alone in the car he was driving and had two pasangers only one survived..  We all do grieve differently & we all find comfort in the strangest ways.  I never judge people by there actions or beliefs, I just try to put my self in there shoes and If it were to happen to me I would deal with things the best way that I can.. I know something we all do share and that the fact that we all lost a child & miss them dearly.  Sometimes we share the same emotions, & that hole that will never be filled no matter how hard we try.   I have be journeling for some time now before I lost my son, a friend said that they journel every day and in there journeling they would always end it with something that they are greatful for and it gave them a sense of peace, so I began journeling I find it to be helpful in ways.  You mentioned that you read the obit column any reason.  I find myself doing the same thing I do'nt know why.  Just part of the grieving process I suppose. Thank you Vicky

[adamsmom]

I think we all look at the obits to see if we are the only ones going through this, because at times that is how it feels. You know, how can anything this wrong happen to anyone else...

I live in East Tennessee and there was four high school cheerleaders that were involved in an accident in October that took all four of them. Two of them were sisters, so I went to the website to light candles for each of them and that's how I found Beyond Indigo. Although it has been almost twelve years for me, I still know what you are going through, even if my pain has dulled a little.

I will be signing off now, but I will catch back up with you tomorrow. I'll pray for a peaceful night for you..

Pat (Adam's Mom)

[shorty16]

I just wanted to make a statement and tell each of you what helped me.

On 6-19-08, my world came to a screaching halt.  My son Brian was killed in a car-surfing accident.  My mother died 2-7-08; so you can see my 2008 was a rough one.

Shortly after the death of Brian, my family and I scheduled a trip to Miami Beach for Christmas week.  I was a huge Christmas fan, but knew the day without Brian would be horrible.

Getting away with new scenery, nothing to compare it to, new everything was the best thing my family and I could have done.  Even though the pain is still as deep, I feel rested, calmer and am looking forward to getting out of dodge next year also.

Even if you can afford only 1-2 days, get out of the house.  Go somewhere no-one knows you, you have never been before and just enjoy the time.

I really thought I could never enjoy anything again, but this vacation regenerated me and my family - Just a thought for those winter blues.

Colleen,  Brian's Mother Forever.

[averysdad]

Colleen, I definitely agree with you about the vacation, I've been away for the last while, my wife and I took a vacation to Mexico, it was refreshing, and re-energizing. Knowing that we were going early in the new year also helped distract us a bit from the holiday season. Although one night I went down to the beach and watched a video of my son, I just needed to cry for him while there.

We also took a vacation a day or so after the 1 year mark. As Colleen mentioned, new scenery, new stuff seems to offer a reprieve.

Vicky, I would enjoy helping you with a photo-book, once I get back into the work routine and organized, I'll send you some messages and see if I can be of help.

Below is a link to the video I watched on the beach, it's something I like to share. Avery's girlfriend of 2 and 1/2 years and her dad who works in video production made it.

Dale

[mpsmom]

Dale, what an amazing accounting of your sons life..... WOW....I feel like , I dont know what I feel, I miss him!!!!!! and I never got the opportunity to meet him, what a great loss, all of our children were so special.  I hope one day we will know the answer to the 'WHY????" question.  

We have a video we call the celebration of Bethany's Life, the video man said it is too long to put on u-tube to sahre, It makes me smile when I watch it, right up until the ending, when you know what the final scene is......

Thank you so much for sharing!!!!!!!!!!!

All my love, Marcia   Bethany's mom forever

[tanmanmymagicman]

Dale; thank you so much for sharing your son; When I get to see pictures I just think this is surreal this kid can't be gone; no fair? no fair they did not get to enjoy their life; Faith; ya gotta have it;  I am still tearing up for Avery and for you.  How brave to find a great spot and watch the video; I think that is how we recover; its part of the process;  My Tanner was born 11/28/1990 and left after a rollover accident 8/7/2007; life is a lot of work now; and we have accepted it;  this site is like a lifeline to me at times;  my stomach just dropped thinking about my Tanner ; sometime its hard to accept it and keep a grip on the reality of it;  I think I am going to talk to my husband and try to get away more on the weekends ; Bless your beautiful family; Bless everyone on this site;  Sincerely; Cindy; Tanner's Mama Gama;

[ethansmuffin]

Hello Everyone

Yes it has been a while...today marks 2 months and 18 days since my precious 14 year old son , Ethan had an accident with his quadbike, Ethan passed away in the ICU the next day.....As I said before,

Ethan death is a catastrophic event, !!! All of us living this horrible nightmare know it- our lives are turned upside down! I do not know how to go on….And I understand when my friends are at a loss for words to comfort us, when they do not know what to say, because, I do not know what to say…..

To all of you on this forum...thank you....for sharing it really helps to know that we are not alone....The Holidays were....ok whatever emotions, feelings...moments of sadness you are describing here...I can say Yes...we had them all.....the emotional roller coaster....the sad days....the terrible days....the days you are able to breathe...you normally use those ones to run a few errands....

I am so very sorry to those of you who are new on this journey, my heart goes out to you....this is the right place, here you will get understanding, and comfort, and you will realise that you are not MAD......what you are feeling now...are normal....

We miss Ethan so much, I miss Ethan so much.....school started today...I had nothing to do....no school uniform to buy.....I cannot look at his friends anymore...it is driving me crazy....we were told it is getting worse....I think we feel that now....My daugthers told the therapist, they miss their mom's cooking....It is hard....and it is getting harder.....all you can do is hang in there ....this I have discovered.....just hang in there...tomorrow it might be better....

All my love to all of you.....

Enid (Ethansmuffin)

[tanmanmymagicman]

Enid; yes I know who you feel; this was my Tanner's Sr. year  of high school and there are 2 boys in my neighborhood that grew up with Tanner and are his exact age; I see them leave for school; come home; go golfing; go to basketball; all the things my son sure be doing;  One of the boys had his letterman jacket engraved on the back RIP Tanner Houk; that meant a lot to me;  I am getting immune to being in town and seeing young boys all over the place.  I think I have been so low I am just numb from it now but I still feel sadness driving by the high school and seeing names flash of the screen Happy Birthday to whoever; never Tanner;  Life has to go on.  I have no choice ;; some days I feel so sorry for myself I can't stand it; today the sun is out so its going to be a better day;  I have started cleaning my son's room ; in fact the door is open today for the first time since his accident 8/7/07;  I am thankful that my dads bed and dresser was passed down to Tanner as it comforts me to fold and place his clothes in my dads dresser;  Some of his clothes are brand new as we went school shopping the week before the accident;

Enid, I have not gotten ridden of anything;  Not even the cereal; his mouthwash; nothing;  I will always keep his things wherever we go.  He lived!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I better stop I will get myself way down and crying again.  Bless you today;  My son rode Quads, all the time at the coast; my little guy was a daredevil.  Gave his mom lots of gray hairs................................................. your friend Cindy; Tanner's Mama Gama

[shorty16]

Enid and friends

Boy, can I relate to the sadness of seeing our son's friends.  Some of Brian's friends stop over to say HI and say they are thinking of us.  Before and after the visits are very difficult.  Brian would have been a Senior in HS; the best year of your school life and Brian is gone.  I have no graduation ceromony to get ready for, not future to plan with Brian.  I really do not like seeing his friends, but I know it is what I have to do.

The 6th court hearing is 1-21-09 and I am already in knots over it.  I have to see my son's killer (who was my son's friend) and his parents in court.  Mike (the driver) is pleading No-Contest to the charges of Homicide by neglegent use of a Motor Vehicle during the court hearing.  The sentencing will be several months down the line.  Mike will be a felon for the rest of his life - at least he has a life.

It will be almost a year from the date of the accident that the court dates will finally be over.  I feel I am stuck in limbo until then.

I miss Brian more then any words can ever say.  He was the energy in our home.  He had so many friends and our house was the hang-out.  Now the silence is deafening.

I think of all my friends here.  Thank you for being here and listening to me.

Colleen Jackson   Brian's Mother Forever.

[levismom]

Hi Vicky,

It has been some time since I was last on this site and I cannot even tell you why!  Busy maybe but doing what I do not know....How are you feeling lately?  I wonder if other people went thru a stage of telling themselves that their child is just gone somewhere?  Do you do this?  It is the only way for me to cope, Levi has been gone for 41 days and I am not sure how much longer I can manage this.  It feels like a life sentence.  Just no hope.  I have heard it will get better and hope that someday my heart will no longer feel like it is going to explode, the sickness in the pit of my stomach will go away and my soul will feel whole....

I wish for peace, light and love for you.  Take care.

Dawn

[tanmanmymagicman]

Hi Dawn, my name is Cindy, I lost my 16 year old son in an auto accident 18 months ago.  Please know how you are feeling is very hurtful and scary and your feel lost;  It hurts like hell to lose a child;  I hope you are feeling better right now.  Just know you are not going this road alone and MY GOODNESS it has not been that long since your loss; Just writing and being here ; you are doing good;  It took me about a year to find this site.  What I have always been told and I do try;  Is just to take care of myself; don't blame myself and slow down and take deep breaths; so now when I feel my aniexty wishing I try to slow down take deep breaths and even talk to myself and say slow down and you can do it better............... So sorry about your loss; I need to read your story and get to know you.  I wish I had magic words to say;  I tell you a lot of parents on this site DO.  I admire them so much.  This site is like a lifeline for me at times . so you use it to.  It does get a little better.  I can honestly tell you that I have good days where I feel guilty ; even though I know I should not feel guilty;  Bless you heart;  I am your friend;  Cindy; Tanner's Mama Gama   that's what he called me; Mama Gama;

[bjsmom]

Hello Dawn, no you are not the only one who thinks this way. My son has been gone for 10 weeks now and i catch myself thinking, he is just off at college. The pain is so heartwrenching and i believe that if a heart can be broken, then mine surely is. I miss him so much and i think about him constantly; this is surely an understatement. My husband is taking this a different way and will not talk about his death unless i bring up the subject. (His death involved a police cruiser on a burglary call, who as the coroner said, "plowed into my sons car killing him instantly"). My husband is enraged and does not want to talk about it as it makes me cry. What my husband does not realize is that i like talking about my son. The very mention of his name brings happiness to my entire being. Every little thing reminds me of him. It sounds so insignificent but the way his bedroom door opens & closes is so everwhelming now, setting out 4 plates instead of 5, seeing his clothes that he left before heading for college, taking his 2 younger brothers to school and seeing the school that he had just graduated from, looking at my driveway where it was the last time i saw him. So many thoughts & regrets! I selfishly don't want him here for another day, i want him here now & forever. This pain will not ease, i feel like i'm losing my mind. I always told my small family of 5 that we were all that we had; that we were "family".  What do i do now...

[azsummer2003]

Hey everyone. My son Taylor died 17 July, 2005. He drowned. I'm sick over it.  Only my two sisters "get" it, because they would freak if they lost a child. 

If you all had ONE thing to say to people about how you feel now, what would you tell them? 

I hope my son's site can bring a smile to your face.

http://www.TaylorBurgstahler.memory-of.com

[azsummer2003]

Ann,

I am so sorry you are feeling so lousy!!!!!  Gosh, I feel like crap too. I take meds though that seem to help me stay nice and numb.  I just started taking prozac not too long ago because I found that I would get reeeeeaaaalllllllyyyy depressed when writing about him.   I take meds (xanax) or sleeping pills to sleep.  Between Taylor's death and my age (I'm 48) I cannot sleep at all!  Unfortunately my husband thinks I should be able to just deal without anything.  I'm afraid he's a lousy support, but I'm still there for him because I just know he feels like crap (he just hides it better).

I do feel Ann, that some of us who have lost our only son, daughter, or child seem to have a little harder time of moving on then some of the other parents I have met.  If only I knew then what I know now, I would have had a TON of kids!  (Not that it would make the pain any less) It's strange because EVERYONE'S grief is intense, none is worse than another, but I can't help feeling sorry for myself.  I am still so angry at god for taking my son. And yet, there are people here who have lost thier ONLY child.  How does one overcome that??? I don't think I would be able to do it.

I would love to talk to you if you'd email me.  I know it's hard, but try if you can to make it through your sons last year.  I had to move from AZ to PA to AZ to get my daughter healthy.  It destroyed what delicate relationship I had with my husband and his relationship with his daughter (they were never very close, but now seem even less so) but she is strong and healthy now. Sometimes, we just have to pretend everything's okay for it to BE okay for our kids.

http://www.TaylorBurgstahler.memory-of.com

[bjsmom]

The ONE thing i would tell my son is that "i love him unconditionally & forever". If i could say TWO things i would say that, " i wish i could take his place so he could live his life to the fullest". He was a quiet soul but somehow made so many friends. He loved life, loved his "new" old car and loved his "new" college days. He definitely made the most of his 19 years. He was so beautiful!

[bjsmom]

Hello Taylor's mom, i also have a husband that is really no comfort to me if i am honest to myself. Because of the way my son died, he has so much hatred and therefore he will not talk. He will not even mention my son unless i "bring up the subject". This makes "marriage" so difficult but we are struggling to get through this time of biting one another's heads off. Whether it's 5 years or 5 days i don't believe that a "mothers love" will ever diminish or fade; we never forget & rarely forgive. I also believe that a mother has a sort of eternal attachment with her children that no one can explain; not even a father.  I am so sick of people telling me that i will heal with time; that it gets easier. What the he** do these people know, they have never lost their baby. Please believe that people with more than 1 son feel so much desperation after their sons death. My firstborn son, who was 19 and was the eldest of my 3 boys, will & has never been the same as my 2 younger boys. Each child had their own unique identity; they may have similar personalities but they are their own unique soul. My 2 younger sons will NEVER take their big brothers place. Right now i am living, not day by day, but moment by moment. One moment i am a crying heap and the next i am having to smile for everyone. Is this not what people expect when they ask "how are you doing"? If only you could tell them the truth, maybe then they would have some idea.

[azsummer2003]

[align=center]I found this song online and I now use it for Taylor's background music on his website. I think it explains how I feel.

Kate Havnevik

Grace

[/align]

[align=center]I'm on my knees

Only memories

Are left for me to hold

Don't know how

But I'll get by

Slowly pull myself together

There's no escape

So keep me safe

This feels so unreal

Nothing comes easily

Fill this empty space

Nothing is like it seems

Turn my grief to grace

I feel the cold

Loneliness unfold

Like from another world

Come what may

I won't fade away

But I know I might change

Nothing comes easily

Fill this empty space

Nothing is like it was

Turn my grief to grace

Nothing comes easily

Where do I begin?

Nothing can bring me peace

I've lost everything

I just want to feel your embrace[/align]

[align=center]http://www.TaylorBurgstahler.memory-of.com

[/align]

[azsummer2003]

[user=26371]bjsmom[/user] wrote:

 people with more than 1 son feel so much desperation after their sons death. My firstborn son, who was 19 and was the eldest of my 3 boys, will & has never been the same as my 2 younger boys. Each child had their own unique identity; they may have similar personalities but they are their own unique soul. My 2 younger sons will NEVER take their big brothers place. Right now i am living, not day by day, but moment by moment. One moment i am a crying heap and the next i am having to smile for everyone. Is this not what people expect when they ask "how are you doing"? If only you could tell them the truth, maybe then they would have some idea.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to sound the way it did!  ABSOLUTELY the pain is the same!  I dislike the way I sometime write things online because it comes across wrong.  Of COURSE ALL parents feel the same gut wrenching pain!  I guess I just miss Taylor so much I am not thinking of how I write things.

I won't even explain because I will probably screw it up.  I just can't think the way I used to before Taylor died.  I hope most people understand what I was trying to say.  I am so sorry!

[bjsmom]

I also found a song that exemplifies my thoughts for my son. Although i am not into "country music" this song explains it all;  i believe it was meant for a woman but it still explains my thoughts & emotions at this time. The song is by Diamond Rio and called, "I believe". Almost every word speaks volumes about my feelings. I do believe, and i will see my son again. I almost cannot wait!!!

[bjsmom]

Oh no, please forgive me! I was not trying to contradict you in any way. I am selfishly hoping that in some way we feel the same. I have read your son's story and i feel mad for you. I feel like something more could have been done. Something, just anything could have been done by this ignorant man(volunteer fire dept). Again, please forgive me as i have so much pain in my life that i sometimes take it out on the innocent. I just listened to your song that you posted; i was taking a drink of Mt Dew and almost choked. I wanted to tell you that i also read your story about the "day" dream. The night my son died, Nov 9th 2008, i also had an overwhelming feeling. I got off work at 8pm and then went by our local superstore for a few items. I then rushed home as my husband was sick that weekend and was staying at home with our 2 young boys. I remember going to bed around 12:15-12:30 and thinking i was so tired & drained which was unusual as i normally stayed up all night. I know this sounds weird but i normally go to bed around 3 or 4 in the morning. I told my husband goodnight as he was watching tv and thought to myself, this is so strange that i should go to bed so early. I remember looking at the clock as i fell to sleep, 12:30am, not knowing that my son had just died in a horrific car wreck. I can almost see his face at that moment, and i'm sure that if he did see the police car about to hit him, his final words would have been, "oh da*n". He was not perfect but he was my son and loved his life so fully. He did not want to die, i know this!

[bjsmom]

I am not sure if everyone else feel's this way, but since my son's wreck i feel worried & almost sick about my other 2 boys. I almost dread when they will start driving and feel so apprehensive. I know that when this time comes i will "take things out on them" because of my oldest son's death. How will i ever overcome this feeling? My husband say's that we can only hope nothing will ever again happen; this to me is absurd. When you send your children to college it's like giving them the key to the liquor cabinet and asking them not to open it. SO much responsibility put upon them at this time. If you look on many of your childrens friends Facebook pages you will see that most all college student's drink. All you can do is talk to your babies & advise them and hope they will listen. I was VERY open with my son about drinking & driving; i told him that i could not always be with him and that if he was intending to drink to please spend the night there or call me & i would pick him up anywhere/anytime without questions. He had called the week before he died telling us that he was going to a party and that they planned on drinking, he asked if he could spend the night. In the end this did not save his life. A week later he was "plowed" into by a wreckless policeman; he died instantly of massive internal injuries to his beautiful little body.