Loss of an Adult Child

[Mermaid Tears]

John David in my Dad's arms.... Wyatt John born on December 14, 2012 all of my 5 sons...John David's arms were always around Jeremy...Jason, Aaron and Jesse John David and Randa All 6 children...all grown up

[ericasmom]

What great photos Susan. Yes, you carry him everywhere you go, in your heart for all of time.

Peace dearheart.

Laurie, indeed everyone goes along their way expecting us to return to our old lives...but our old lives have been altered so we plug along and find our new lives. We are here for you.

[mysonrich]

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY JOHN DAVID !

[Mermaid Tears]

Mermaids sing their songs..

At morning tide...

And evening time..

But on the day..

That you were born..

They sang their songs..

All day long.

The song "Thank You" by Natalie Merchant is coming from my heart to each of you...and it was a favorite of John David....I am filled with gratitude for all the greetings today from each of you...for only 'you' know how this 'day' can impact a Mother's heart....my son, Jesse, called and we had a good heart to heart talk....my daughter, Randa, called last night, she is on the road to Scottsdale for Spring Break...she told me 'how sorry she feels for me' in facing this...she was crying and heartbroken....(for I know she cannot imagine losing a child...losing her brother has been very hard for her)....I consoled her...telling her that I knew he was in a very joy filled place....and I do have a 'knowing' of that...and it is like Chip's Mom said in her posting....I felt like yesterday this feeling came over me that I was becoming a better person....it sounds strange...or unreal....and I just want you to know I was never a 'bad or evil' person....but I do feel as if there was some kind of transformation going on in my spirit and heart....maybe I have yet another layer of empathy because of all the grief....maybe some kind of filter had been lifted and I see 'different' now....I have had many melt downs today....but your caring thoughts being sent to me....and each of you remembering me and John David today has given me much comfort...Blessings to each of you.....Susan

[BrendaDup59]

It was suggested to move my post from yesterday into this forum topic. So here it is. I have multiple thoughts so each is separated by a set of ********* for clarity.

Jesse's Mom

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Hello, My name is Laurie and Sunday, March 10 will be the 5 month anniversary of losing my son Jesse. He was 28 and was ran over while driving his motorcyle to a doctor's appointment. He was in his own lane and the roadway was a straightaway. The other driver had been cited numerous times for lack of insurance and actually had a tailgating violation! However, the Sheriff's dept of Jackson County WI has made a mess of the investigation so who knows if she will be properly charged or not.

I am angry with the Sheriff's dept for being such incompetents that they couldn't even do the obvious. Like drug test someone in the case of an fatality accident that has no other factors such as weather, roadway, etc. They didn't even separate the driver from the passenger to attempt to find out why on earth someone would cross over into an oncoming lane in a straightway.

I am hiring an outside accident reconstructionist since they don't seem to be able to conduct a investigation in any type of scientific manner to determine cause. I am just disgusted with them.

~ Justice for Jesse

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Last night I found a web site by a grief counselor that was a very good read. Here is the

link

http://www.carolkear...y/overview.html

She lost her 7 year old daughter in a drowning accident. The reason it was of interest to me was the author had a similar experience to mine. Most of her book is out on this site and can be easierly read.

My son knew he was going to die before it happened.

Apparently after reading Carol's site she refers to Elizabeth Hubler - Ross who said that she has seen that in a number of her dying patients over the years.

The only thing I can come up with is that when one reaches the end of their earthly journey, that for some, the afterlife starts to bleed through into today. It has been a great painful struggle for me regarding this.For I feel like, Why didn't I come up with something to protect him? It was like some of my son's revelation was temporarily erased from my mind.

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It has been a very difficult day. Today I went to my son's house just as I normally would have. I cleaned and straightened it up even though I know he is not coming back as he has a new home in heaven. But I am still in this realm, struggling everyday just to get through.

Here is his web site that I created in his memory:

http://memorialwebsi...k/Homepage.aspx

Still adding to it.

I am not sure when the 10th of a month will arrive without my dread of it. Perhaps in time, but not today.

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Poetry

Today I waited for you, but you never came. I asked God to whisper to you how much I love you and how much I miss you. And then I realized that today, you also wait for me. Until God calls me home, Jesus, please carry me in Your loving arms. For I am crushed.

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HI Laurie, I am so sorry for the loss of your son , I lost my oldest son Brian 32 last March (St. Patrick's Day) 3/17/12 to a motorcycle accident ,that day a part of me died to .. but I also know when he died he was doing something he loved enjoying his life .. I am coming up on his 1 year angelversary in 7 days ..I have decided to try and plant a rose bush in his memory ..believe it or not he loved flowers .. my son was a husband and father to 6 and it breaks my heart to see them hurting. I am sorry you have to be here but you have found a wonderful place with wonderful people who get how you feel some are farther along in the horrible road we have to walk ..but we are here to support you in any way we can.. I have been having some health issues and I don't get on here as much as I would like and some days I just cant and what is so nice is everyone here understands . I hope you will tell us more about your son ,I did check out your memorial site that is so nice ..I turned Brian's Face Book page into a memorial page so I would not lose it. . well just know I am thinking about you today and will keep you in my prayers .. Brenda

[ericasmom]

Susan, I am so glad that you had talks with two of your other Kids today. I love that your Girl, Randa, let her ache show and she was able to grieve with you. I agree with you and Del, it is something many of us 'old-timers' talked about long ago...that in this loss, in the new life we carve out of salt and ash, we find that our hearts have new chambers, new ability to hold and nurture and empathize. I am glad that we are with you on this day, holding you.

[Mermaid Tears]

Susan, I am so glad that you had talks with two of your other Kids today. I love that your Girl, Randa, let her ache show and she was able to grieve with you. I agree with you and Del, it is something many of us 'old-timers' talked about long ago...that in this loss, in the new life we carve out of salt and ash, we find that our hearts have new chambers, new ability to hold and nurture and empathize. I am glad that we are with you on this day, holding you.

Dee....I cannot tell you how many times I have come to this site....at all times of the night...day...morning and evening and find postings that have held me up....and your words...have been such a life line when I felt I was really going down...please ..please...always come back here....to help us 'new ones'....we need someone like you to let us know that we can come through it....you don't gild the lily....you don't say it is easy....but you give hope that it is do-able....blessing to all here....and thank you again and again....my heart is so full....

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

HI Laurie, I am so sorry for the loss of your son , I lost my oldest son Brian 32 last March (St. Patrick's Day) 3/17/12 to a motorcycle accident ,that day a part of me died to .. but I also know when he died he was doing something he loved enjoying his life .. I am coming up on his 1 year angelversary in 7 days ..I have decided to try and plant a rose bush in his memory ..believe it or not he loved flowers .. my son was a husband and father to 6 and it breaks my heart to see them hurting. I am sorry you have to be here but you have found a wonderful place with wonderful people who get how you feel some are farther along in the horrible road we have to walk ..but we are here to support you in any way we can.. I have been having some health issues and I don't get on here as much as I would like and some days I just cant and what is so nice is everyone here understands . I hope you will tell us more about your son ,I did check out your memorial site that is so nice ..I turned Brian's Face Book page into a memorial page so I would not lose it. . well just know I am thinking about you today and will keep you in my prayers .. Brenda

Thank you for responding. It is a horrible road to walk and not many people are willing to walk with you. Even my friend who says she is my best friend has this avoidance issue. It is more fun to play in the sun than to walk with someone in the valley.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

What great photos Susan. Yes, you carry him everywhere you go, in your heart for all of time.

Peace dearheart.

Laurie, indeed everyone goes along their way expecting us to return to our old lives...but our old lives have been altered so we plug along and find our new lives. We are here for you.

Thanks for responding. Somedays are better than others. Then there are the sneak attacks of grief where you don't expect it.

[Guest]

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[ericasmom]

Lora, it has rained all day pretty much, earlier today it looked like a Magritte Painting, as though fog swallowed the mid part of each tree in the forest as I drove by. Our yard, which slopes in the middle, is filled like a bowl with water.

As far as others being uncomfortable with my talking frankly and daily about Erica???That is their problem,not mine. I do try to be careful not to overtalk about Eri, but I do bring her name into the day everyday. Over the years, those who could not figure out how to be present in this part of my life, are not people I can be around much. Eri is part of my Everyday.

[Guest]

..

[ericasmom]

Lora, yes, it is the fear in people of death that keeps them away, sometimes sure that if they don't speak of it or listen to it, it will not darken their doorway. I think I may have sound militant yesterday, I said if they don't get it, that it is not my problem...I am actually not mean about it but feel similarly to your view-that we cannot make folks get it, though we can try. I teach kids about loss in a digestable way so that there is less fear and more empathy, less worry and more hope. I have picture books that talk about losses from pets to Moms Grandmoms, Uncles...the dialogue is frank and fresh with kids, they don't skirt around it. Refreshing.

Susan, I am here and come back for the same reasons--- I came here early on in my grief, someone was there to encourage me. Thanks for your sweet words.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Went over yesterday to complete my project at the cemetery. Added four solar lights and a solar NO Gopher/Mole gizmo! Eventually, the smaller marker you see that is Jared's, will be joined by the same size markers for each of us, my husband, me and my daughter. We have all now chosen to be cremated when the time comes, Jasmine, my daughter, has suggested that I design the markers now, except for dates of course. I think it would be one less thing for her to have to worry about in the future. The markers will be placed in the order they are on the family marker, with my husband and I at the top, right in front of the WEST marker, and Jasmine beside her brother.

Until losing Jared, we had not even thought about a family cemetery plot! I guess we thought there would be plenty of time for that.

Dee, I too, talk about my Jared whenever something comes up in conversation that makes me think of him, and people will just have to get used to that, as he is constantly in my thoughts. I do try to converse about other things as well, but until we get through to the truth and justice that we seek, it is pretty much my sole focus.

Friday, on my way to the bank, I saw two boys, maybe 10-12 years old, walking along the roadway in town limits, in a right turn lane, and they were making hand gestures at the cars going by. I went to the bank, and on my way back they were now down where there were sidewalks, but they were still walking in the road acting foolishly! I braked in the middle of the road and scolded them to get up on the sidewalk. I said "my son was killed on a narrow road such as this, and there wasn't a sidewalk to get on, now get up there, that isn't even funny"! They stopped laughing and got on the sidewalk. I went on my way.

Then I go to Lowe's for the lights for the cemetery, and coming out, I was crossing in the crosswalk that is painted in front of the store, and two little old ladies come drive through the crosswalk, without ever seeing me!! If I hadn't been watching,and stopped when I did, they would have hit me! I followed them to where they parked, and told them what they just did. The driver says "oh, I am sorry, I didn't even see you". The passenger, was patting my arm and saying "are you alright? I am so sorry, we will be more careful". I told them I was super vigilant because my 15 year old son was lost to me because of being hit by a driver that wasn't paying attention. I said "please be more careful, it is your responsibility".

[Jeff's Mom]

I love this place! Everyone is so gracious that they did not tell me that I had the wrong angel yesterday. I am so sorry. I have had my mind on so much going on that I am completely stressed out. We are off to the hospital in an hour for checking in. I would like to say thanks again to everyone for your thoughts and prayers. We both appreciate it more then you could ever know. Kate

[Jeff's Mom]

A butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam. And for a brief moment it's glory and beauty belong to our world. But then it flies on again. And though we wish it could have stayed, we feel lucky to have seen it. We know our angels are smiling down on us from heaven and my son no doubt shaking his head at how mindless I can be at times. Love to all, Kate

[Mermaid Tears]

Went over yesterday to complete my project at the cemetery. Added four solar lights and a solar NO Gopher/Mole gizmo! Eventually, the smaller marker you see that is Jared's, will be joined by the same size markers for each of us, my husband, me and my daughter. We have all now chosen to be cremated when the time comes, Jasmine, my daughter, has suggested that I design the markers now, except for dates of course. I think it would be one less thing for her to have to worry about in the future. The markers will be placed in the order they are on the family marker, with my husband and I at the top, right in front of the WEST marker, and Jasmine beside her brother.

Until losing Jared, we had not even thought about a family cemetery plot! I guess we thought there would be plenty of time for that.

Dee, I too, talk about my Jared whenever something comes up in conversation that makes me think of him, and people will just have to get used to that, as he is constantly in my thoughts. I do try to converse about other things as well, but until we get through to the truth and justice that we seek, it is pretty much my sole focus.

Friday, on my way to the bank, I saw two boys, maybe 10-12 years old, walking along the roadway in town limits, in a right turn lane, and they were making hand gestures at the cars going by. I went to the bank, and on my way back they were now down where there were sidewalks, but they were still walking in the road acting foolishly! I braked in the middle of the road and scolded them to get up on the sidewalk. I said "my son was killed on a narrow road such as this, and there wasn't a sidewalk to get on, now get up there, that isn't even funny"! They stopped laughing and got on the sidewalk. I went on my way.

Then I go to Lowe's for the lights for the cemetery, and coming out, I was crossing in the crosswalk that is painted in front of the store, and two little old ladies come drive through the crosswalk, without ever seeing me!! If I hadn't been watching,and stopped when I did, they would have hit me! I followed them to where they parked, and told them what they just did. The driver says "oh, I am sorry, I didn't even see you". The passenger, was patting my arm and saying "are you alright? I am so sorry, we will be more careful". I told them I was super vigilant because my 15 year old son was lost to me because of being hit by a driver that wasn't paying attention. I said "please be more careful, it is your responsibility".

Our Warrior Mom.....what you just did....opened the eyes of those that aren't 'looking'....also gave a little education to those that 'need to pay attention'.....who knows..?? The good that you have given...Atta' Girl....so proud of you...

[JD's Mom, Becky]

I love this place! Everyone is so gracious that they did not tell me that I had the wrong angel yesterday. I am so sorry. I have had my mind on so much going on that I am completely stressed out. We are off to the hospital in an hour for checking in. I would like to say thanks again to everyone for your thoughts and prayers. We both appreciate it more then you could ever know. Kate

I knew you would figure it out! lol, it's confusing, as Susan and I both have boys whose initials were J.D. , Susan with John David, and me with Jared Daniel. Prayers and positive thoughts for you Kate!!

[Mermaid Tears]

I knew you would figure it out! lol, it's confusing, as Susan and I both have boys whose initials were J.D. , Susan with John David, and me with Jared Daniel. Prayers and positive thoughts for you Kate!!

Kate...know we will be sending prayers to and for you and your husband....will be waiting to hear any news...please take as good care of 'yourself' as you do others....remember we are all here for you.

[Mermaid Tears]

Our Warrior Mom.....what you just did....opened the eyes of those that aren't 'looking'....also gave a little education to those that 'need to pay attention'.....who knows..?? The good that you have given...Atta' Girl....so proud of you...

That is simply one of the best Memorials....I see the 'heart - love and heart-break' in all of it....

[Mermaid Tears]

This is just some information I would like to pass on...I had frequent UTI's ....always at the wrong place and time...my Dr. son, Aaron, told me if I would simply take the AZO Cranberry tablets I would not have anymore...3 years later....not a one after I started taking 2 in the morning..2 in the afternoon....I just could not drink enough cranberry juice....I have heard from other friends that I told this to and they have had the same positive results. I do believe that stress does a lot of damage to our health....and many of us on this site does have a lot of stress now.

[Lee's mum always]

Hi to all Indigo's,

Mermaid Tears, you are so right about the Cranberry Juice, it really helps. Stress brings on a lot of things health wise unfortunately. But this does help as i have taken it in tablet form and it cleared up an infection very quickly.

Kate you are in my thoughts.

Becky your Memorial is awesome, you should be very proud. You have given me an idea for my son lee, thank you for the inspiration.

Cara.. i understand so well how what you mean when you say people do not respond when your talk about your Cara, i have the same thing when i talk about my son Lee. but i carry on , nothing will ever stop me mentioning his name.

Dee.. Thank you for your wisdom i know you have been on this unwanted journey for a lot longer than some of us, your insight is so helpful. bless you.

[daveydow1]

Lora-----So glad that your kitties got a bit of sunshine and nice fresh

breezes. My "Misty" is doing ok......better now that I've started giving

her small feedings more often during the day. I guess we are all

looking forward to spring.....even the cats!

Dee---Wow--- your forsythia blooming already ! (with snow underneath it). Our

forsythia bush is changing its branch color......seems to be a sign that

spring is coming. It has not bloomed, though. I don't know what came

over me the other day in the library when I felt sick, but I just drove home,

felt a little dizzy for a short time, and then seemed to be ok. Who knows

what that was? I hope you don't catch another cold from all the students

who are getting colds. Seems that lots of people get colds this time of

year.

Brenda---I hope that the MRIs will help the Drs. help you with the migraines.

Sending prayers.

Laurie---Jessie David's mom------I am sorry for your loss of your dear son,

Jessie David. My son, David, was also killed due to someone else's impaired driving. I'm

sorry that the sheriff's dept. messed up the investigation. It seems like

the victim's family is the one's who are left to figure out things, in a lot of

cases, and the problem dropped their laps, on top of with the unbearable grief

of losing a beloved child. I hope you can come back to this site. We're here

to help if we can. Peace to you.

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY, JOHN DAVID. AN ANGEL IN HEAVEN.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Laurie---Jessie David's mom------I am sorry for your loss of your dear son,

Jessie David. My son, David, was also killed due to someone else's impaired driving. I'm

sorry that the sheriff's dept. messed up the investigation. It seems like

the victim's family is the one's who are left to figure out things, in a lot of

cases, and the problem dropped their laps, on top of with the unbearable grief

of losing a beloved child. I hope you can come back to this site. We're here

to help if we are can. Peace to you.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

Laurie, I meant to say something to you about what you are going through. I am so sorry for the loss of your son, and that like Sherry and I, having to bear the fact that someone's irresponsibility led to his death. I am still waiting for all the truth to come out, and have worked tirelessly to make that happen. The ball definitely got dropped in our case, and we will not rest until all is known. It is a very long and lonely path we have walked in this effort. When people make mistakes, they don't want to help you reveal that in anyway. Have faith, and don't give up.

[Mermaid Tears]

Lora-----So glad that your kitties got a bit of sunshine and nice fresh

breezes. My "Misty" is doing ok......better now that I've started giving

her small feedings more often during the day. I guess we are all

looking forward to spring.....even the cats!

Dee---Wow--- your forsythia blooming already ! (with snow underneath it). Our

forsythia bush is changing its branch color......seems to be a sign that

spring is coming. It has not bloomed, though. I don't know what came

over me the other day in the library when I felt sick, but I just drove home,

felt a little dizzy for a short time, and then seemed to be ok. Who knows

what that was? I hope you don't catch another cold from all the students

who are getting colds. Seems that lots of people get colds this time of

year.

Brenda---I hope that the MRIs will help the Drs. help you with the migraines.

Sending prayers.

Laurie---Jessie David's mom------I am sorry for your loss of your dear son,

Jessie David. My son, David, was also killed due to someone else's impaired driving. I'm

sorry that the sheriff's dept. messed up the investigation. It seems like

the victim's family is the one's who are left to figure out things, in a lot of

cases, and the problem dropped their laps, on top of with the unbearable grief

of losing a beloved child. I hope you can come back to this site. We're here

to help if we are can. Peace to you.

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY, JOHN DAVID. AN ANGEL IN HEAVEN.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

Thank you Sherry.....because of 'all of you' here....I felt this 'zing' in my heart....and then I felt like 'it is going to be ok'....I am going to make it...not like I did before...never will anything be the same....but in my 'new normal'...I can re-figure..when one goes through the fire....they are always changed....

[Mermaid Tears]

Jesse David's Mom......(gee...has anyone noticed the J.D.'s we have as Angels).....you will be so comforted with ones on this site that have gone through and are going through so many of the same trial and tribulations as you and yours are.....many hearts and hands are here to lift you up

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Laurie, I meant to say something to you about what you are going through. I am so sorry for the loss of your son, and that like Sherry and I, having to bear the fact that someone's irresponsibility led to his death. I am still waiting for all the truth to come out, and have worked tirelessly to make that happen. The ball definitely got dropped in our case, and we will not rest until all is known. It is a very long and lonely path we have walked in this effort. When people make mistakes, they don't want to help you reveal that in anyway. Have faith, and don't give up.

This is Jesse David's mom. You mentioned you worked tirelessly on justice for your son. What have you tried? I am looking for ideas. I have hired an outside reconstructionist, talked several times with the State Patrol who is doing the reconstruction for the state, and the head sheriff of the county it happened. If you have ideas, please let me know. Oh did I tell you that the only real eye witness that saw everything ran from the scene? This person turns out to be one of my "friends" future son-in-law. I think she just thinks that it is okay that he does not make a statement. I cannot seem to get that out of my head, why would you think that?

This is also my second loss of a son. I lost my other son as an infant to SIDS. He was 7 weeks. I don't think that I really ever dealt with that correctly. Just tried to go on like the rest of the world pressures you into doing because most people act like you have a disease if your grieving.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Jesse David's Mom......(gee...has anyone noticed the J.D.'s we have as Angels).....you will be so comforted with ones on this site that have gone through and are going through so many of the same trial and tribulations as you and yours are.....many hearts and hands are here to lift you up

Thank you for all your support. I will need a place to come and share. Jesse David's Mom

[BrendaDup59]

Hi, well I got a call today about the 2 MRI I had done on Saturday , my left shoulder has tendinitis and she wants to put me on steroids but I cant take them because of my stomach and she is sending me to a Orthopedics doctor and as far as my brain scan .. she said it showed some spots that could be caused by having high cholesterol? I have never been told I had high cholesterol so they said it could be from my migraines so I now have to see a neurologist I go tomorrow to see a neuro surgeon for my neck ..I am falling apart! all I know is I do not have a very good quality of life , emotionally my heart is broken and physically I cant do much without hurting so bad I cant sleep .. so I guess I will see what happens. Thanks Dee and Sherry and Kate for your comments and concern and anyone else I may have missed thanking. .

Kate .. Thinking about you and your husband .

Jaci is doing better Traci said she is almost back to her little feisty self..

thought I would post a few photos I took today ,I got the squirrels a corn cob holder in hopes of them leaving my bird food alone .. they took to it well I had one who would run all the rest off.

Hope everyone has a good night .

[ericasmom]

Brenda, I am hoping that all the scans and ideas from the doctors are going to help you to feel much better, Steroids are very hard on a person, though I know that they help too, but not if you can't take them. Is there any way that yoga can begin to help in some small ways, and then some physical therapy? Did you tell the doctors that you never were told you had high cholesterol, and if you did, did they respond? Did they do a cholesterol test? I hate that you are in such pain.

Grief strips us of our health, this is why I go on my soapbox about taking care of oneself as best we can. Those of us that were already in our upper 40's and 50's when we lost our Child were dealing with some body deterioration just in normal aging, but if there were some health issues already present well, grief and stress made them worse. Our immune systems get decimated by grief, we need to constantly guard that and take our vitamin C, get sunlight on us, drink a lot of fluids, eat some protein each day adn we need to move, walk, bike, swim, whatever, but we need to move. Even doing this, we know that the stress we are under in those first few years of loss, is causing some fundamental changes in our health. Write down your questions Brenda, and write down their answers to keep a running record of what the doctors are thinking. I am thinking of you with great hope. Prayers.

So glad that Jaci is doing so well. She is a fighter, like her Grandmom. Your squirrels adn birds are a delight.

I agree, nothing like cranberry for a UTI.

Jessie's Mom, Laurie, yes, you can find ways that others were able to fight the powers that be in the loss of their Child. I am so sorry to hear that you have lost two Sons. It is unimaginable to lose one child, two is just beyond.My prayers to you.

Sherry, the forsythia was not ours, ours is changing stem colors too, but the one in bloom is on my walk...a little one but in full bloom.

Sweet dreams all, deep sleep.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Laurie, If there was an eyewitness to the crash, you need to get that information to the patrol doing the investigation, and see if they will interview that witness before they close their case. If they close the case without pursuing that lead, or for whatever reason don't charge anyone, you can give that info to the person you have hired to do the outside reconstruction and let them make the contact to develop evidence you can use in a wrongful death suit. It is best that you don't personally make contact with the witness yourself, though it may be tempting to do so. Fear is the biggest reason people have for not wanting to get involved. I don't understand it either, people now a days cut from a different cloth that I was, for sure. I would not hesitate to help someone in this situation, and have been a witness myself as a teenager, in a very hostile racial situation that happened when I was in high school. I never thought about being in any danger by telling the truth of what I saw, just knew it was the right thing to do. One of my parent's friends was in the courtroom, where I had walked from school to be, and took me home afterwards, telling me I shouldn't be walking anywhere alone. I pray this person in your situation will not know peace until they cooperate.

Brenda, I am praying for you! Sorry you aren't feeling well. Beautiful photos as always!

[JD99501]

Tired............simply tired.

[ericasmom]

Surreal, grief is exhausting, there is no getting away from it, but eventually with help maybe and with patience, there is learning to live differently. To live in a way that allows your heart the room to change its shape, to hold even more, to allow a space that holds all of the good right next to the sadness.

It is rainy/snowy/icy here, colder than what we should be having for the next few days. Cloudy too. Maybe sunshine tomorrow.

Be well All

[Guest]

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[Mermaid Tears]

Hi, well I got a call today about the 2 MRI I had done on Saturday , my left shoulder has tendinitis and she wants to put me on steroids but I cant take them because of my stomach and she is sending me to a Orthopedics doctor and as far as my brain scan .. she said it showed some spots that could be caused by having high cholesterol? I have never been told I had high cholesterol so they said it could be from my migraines so I now have to see a neurologist I go tomorrow to see a neuro surgeon for my neck ..I am falling apart! all I know is I do not have a very good quality of life , emotionally my heart is broken and physically I cant do much without hurting so bad I cant sleep .. so I guess I will see what happens. Thanks Dee and Sherry and Kate for your comments and concern and anyone else I may have missed thanking. .

Kate .. Thinking about you and your husband .

Jaci is doing better Traci said she is almost back to her little feisty self..

thought I would post a few photos I took today ,I got the squirrels a corn cob holder in hopes of them leaving my bird food alone .. they took to it well I had one who would run all the rest off.

Hope everyone has a good night .

You have to let your Dr.'s know about your son passing....for grief is such a physical 'thing'....please know we are here for you....and let us know about your tests and appointments....love your nature photos....you have such a beautiful heart and 'good' eye.....

[tobyfreefoot]

becky thought of you--

have we heard from kate?

dressed for spring-

discovered in the morning light can see forest's marker from my grandparent's marker (nelson in foreground)

included this because it has that halo effect with the angel.

home from work last night with vertigo

love to all

new people i'm saddened when i read your stories and look at pics of your sweet children. they were all some awesome kids in one way or another and your love for them still soars and touches the universe. please keep coming here. i think you will find it to be one of the most comforting places to be.

[Mom of Chip]

You have to let your Dr.'s know about your son passing....for grief is such a physical 'thing'....please know we are here for you....and let us know about your tests and appointments....love your nature photos....you have such a beautiful heart and 'good' eye.....

I agree....When I went in to see my vascular MD...he has been after me to quit smoking. I told that I had lost my son just a few months earlier and he said to not even think about quitting now....Wait 6 months, a year, 18 months..whatever it takes...He said I didn't need the added stress.

Kate..speaking of butterflies...They are very precious to us in our family...Chip's older daughter was 'attacked' one day by some Monarch's..She looked up what they could mean..and she found that it was a signal from her dad that he was still around..protecting her. She is having a tattoo done with his name, birth and death dates and a purple ribbon signifying pancreatic cancer and a big Monarch perched on top.....The last time I felt that I had a signal from him was shortly after Thanksgiving on a visit to the cemetery..A Monarch was circling his marker then flew away...then a Woodpecker flew into a nearby tree and was pecking away. Oh, how I wished I knew Morse Code...then after the Woodpecker flew away, the Monarch came back and flew around his marker again. I felt it was a sign from him that he was happy and for me not to be so sad..of course, the sadness is hard to make go away....but I feel that he is okay with his life on earth and is happy and content where he is now...But the tears keep flowing every day. I can't help it..I miss him so much.

To all of the newbies here...I feel your pain and sadness...What we are feeling compares to nothing we have ever known before.....but I have found that I have become more sympathetic and empathetic to others to going thru hard times. In time we will heal and be able to cope with our 'new normal'.

Hope everyone has a good day.

[Mermaid Tears]

becky thought of you--

have we heard from kate?

dressed for spring-

discovered in the morning light can see forest's marker from my grandparent's marker (nelson in foreground)

included this because it has that halo effect with the angel.

home from work last night with vertigo

love to all

new people i'm saddened when i read your stories and look at pics of your sweet children. they were all some awesome kids in one way or another and your love for them still soars and touches the universe. please keep coming here. i think you will find it to be one of the most comforting places to be.

Thank you for sharing....when we can't be there.....just here....very moving and emotional

[Mermaid Tears]

I agree....When I went in to see my vascular MD...he has been after me to quit smoking. I told that I had lost my son just a few months earlier and he said to not even think about quitting now....Wait 6 months, a year, 18 months..whatever it takes...He said I didn't need the added stress.

Kate..speaking of butterflies...They are very precious to us in our family...Chip's older daughter was 'attacked' one day by some Monarch's..She looked up what they could mean..and she found that it was a signal from her dad that he was still around..protecting her. She is having a tattoo done with his name, birth and death dates and a purple ribbon signifying pancreatic cancer and a big Monarch perched on top.....The last time I felt that I had a signal from him was shortly after Thanksgiving on a visit to the cemetery..A Monarch was circling his marker then flew away...then a Woodpecker flew into a nearby tree and was pecking away. Oh, how I wished I knew Morse Code...then after the Woodpecker flew away, the Monarch came back and flew around his marker again. I felt it was a sign from him that he was happy and for me not to be so sad..of course, the sadness is hard to make go away....but I feel that he is okay with his life on earth and is happy and content where he is now...But the tears keep flowing every day. I can't help it..I miss him so much.

To all of the newbies here...I feel your pain and sadness...What we are feeling compares to nothing we have ever known before.....but I have found that I have become more sympathetic and empathetic to others to going thru hard times. In time we will heal and be able to cope with our 'new normal'.

Hope everyone has a good day.

I will never look at a Monarch in the same way again....

[BrendaDup59]

Hi, thanks you all for your concern, I went to see the neurosurgeon and I opted to try pain management and leave surgery as my last resort.. my C-5 has gotten a lot worse since I had my last MRI in 09 .. so now I just wait to get the referral . they put me on prednisone for a week to see if it helps my shoulder . I hope so and I did tell them about Brian .. I think I tell everyone not because I want sympathy but I just want people to know how special he is and will always be , he is a part of my every thought every day. I have to tell you what happen this morning on my way to the doctors I was talking to Brian telling him how much I miss him and wish so bad that this didn't happen and I wish he would give me a sign to let me know he was with me.,right then a song came on the radio it was the Jackson-5 singing "I'll be there" I had to keep telling myself not to cry as I would have had makeup all over .. but yes the words I'll be there just call my name and I'll be there . wow .. for those that are new Brian has sent me so many signs you just have to be open to it and watch and listen .. this Sunday is going to be hard but I am hoping to plant something in his memory , I just cant handle going up to his grave that day .. I just don't want to be in the area where I lost him . well Thanks again for your kind words and concern .. You are all really like a family to me .. Take Care

here are a few of the pictures I did with my Imikimi sight if anyone wants me to do one for them let me know I don't mind at all .

[Jeff's Mom]

I will never look at a Monarch in the same way again....

I agree about butterflies. We held Jeff's memorial service in July and it was outdoors for part of it. As the minister spoke a monarch butterfly landed on her hand. She kept brushing it off and it kept coming back. One of his friends called out that it must be Jeff. Well, it has been a very stressful few days. But I am overjoyed to be able to say that the surgery was a huge success! He went in at 8:00 and they took him to recovery at 2:15. I spoke to the surgeon and he is hopeful that he will make a good recovery after a period of time. He will need chemo in a bit... but he will be home with me for major TLC. Last evening our dog was acting odd. I gathered she was confused as to his whereabouts. At bedtime I said my prayers as usual and asked Jeff to please give me a sign if he could that he was with us in this. I then walked into the kitchen. A couple of cupboard doors were open. They most definitely were not open when I had left the kitchen. The dog kept looking up at a particular spot on our leather sofa in our family room. I know that he was with us through this ordeal. Thanks to all of you for your support and prayers. Much appreciated.

[BrendaDup59]

Kate that is wonderful news.!!!!!I am so happy for you and hubby and I know Jeff was with you and his father . Take Care Love Brenda

[O F]

Brenda, you might need to see a physical therapist, maybe a pain doctor ( just do not start the narcotic-based pain medications, if the pain specialist just proposes the pills - dump him/her) for possible procedures, maybe an acupuncturist. Tendinitis may be very painful, but it is not necessarily treated by pills or surgery - try to look to some methods which are considered non traditional here, in the US, but these conditions are commonly treated by other methods in a lot of countries. Sometimes compresses or warm/hot baths help, herbal medications and so on

Second opinion as to your MRI scan might be helpful as well. If there is a big teaching hospital in the area it also might be better to have a consult there. One radiologists opinion may differ from the other one ( and often does). Second opinion by not only neurosurgeon and neurologist might help as well.Studies have shown that surgery per se is not always the best option, even if you see deterioration in the vertebrae.

Kate, great to hear about your husband's good surgery.Hope everything will go well with all the additional treatments.

[Guest]

.

[ericasmom]

Hooray for your Husband's successful surgery Kate, so glad that the doctors feel that he will heal and feel good again. For now, the rest and TLC will help him repair. I love that Jeff was hanging out with you last evening, indeed showing you that he is right there.

Brenda, likewise, " I'll be there," when you asked for a sign. Cool. Sounds like a good plan to put off surgery unless nothing else works, and O F gives good suggestions for second opinions as well.

Pretty photos Bren.

Del, love the monarch story. Butterflies and dragonflies and birds seem to be our Angel's ways of messaging us. Those with wings find beauty in each other. Good to see you here Del.

Gretchen, such nice photos of the area around Forest's memorial.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

To Angel Boy of Mine and Mermaid Tears:

Thank you for your kind responses. I am sad we are here but I am thankful that there are others I can try to sort out my feelings with who truly understand this horrible, awful journey.

Too often people want to help but they want you to "get down the road" too fast emotionally. I had my friend's mother ask me today if seeing the girl who ran over my son in prison would give me peace. And yes, to a certain degree it would. It would be rightful justice and there must be consequences to bad behavior in our society.

Without those consequences, I believe at least some people would not hold back their irresponsible behavior. (Oh did I mention that my uncle, cousin and husband are prison guards? My uncle in particular has worked with the worst. He had to supervise Jeffrey Dahmer when that man was alive).

But true peace...no I will never have that this side of eternity. I didn't not tell my friend's mother that through. My true peace will come when I see my son again face to face in heaven and not until then.

It is sad when all you ask of God is that your life not be too long. I ask that He gives me my tasks to finish on earth and take me home.

Tonight my husband and I went to Jesse's grave. Since we live where it snows we had to dig it out to stand there and weep. Tomorrow I will bring him fresh flowers.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

So much of the time I feel like one of the lost sheep that has fallen over the cliff.

I somehow am so distraught I just fall over the edge. Usually several times a day. Depends on the day.

So much of the time when I am broken on the bottom of the cliff I am crying for Jesus. I am sorry that He has to come get me so much as I lay broken there. But I am searching for my son, calling his name even though I know he has passed into the afterlife in heaven.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

I agree about butterflies. We held Jeff's memorial service in July and it was outdoors for part of it. As the minister spoke a monarch butterfly landed on her hand. She kept brushing it off and it kept coming back. One of his friends called out that it must be Jeff. Well, it has been a very stressful few days. But I am overjoyed to be able to say that the surgery was a huge success! He went in at 8:00 and they took him to recovery at 2:15. I spoke to the surgeon and he is hopeful that he will make a good recovery after a period of time. He will need chemo in a bit... but he will be home with me for major TLC. Last evening our dog was acting odd. I gathered she was confused as to his whereabouts. At bedtime I said my prayers as usual and asked Jeff to please give me a sign if he could that he was with us in this. I then walked into the kitchen. A couple of cupboard doors were open. They most definitely were not open when I had left the kitchen. The dog kept looking up at a particular spot on our leather sofa in our family room. I know that he was with us through this ordeal. Thanks to all of you for your support and prayers. Much appreciated.

When my daughter and I first went to the cemetary where Jesse is buried, a whole flock of beautiful white swans flew overhead. We heard their soft cry, (they make almost a mournful but beautiful soft call). There were so many of them overhead. I have never seen a group of white swans like that ever in our area and certainly not flying like that. But there they were directly over us calling to heaven.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

I am sharing my personal response that I wrote to someone.

I understand why your world is unfocused. If you look in the loss of adult children forum you will see some of what I have written.

One of my posts includes how I fall over a cliff several times a day at least. And about the "i want to find them" ...that is why I fall over my cliff. I am searching as well.

What I did not share in the main forum is that Jesse felt especially this last year he was not going to live for long. Told me that last April. Then on the Saturday before he was killed he called me and made up an excuse for me to come to his house. He then told me he was going to have a "short" life.

He was looking off to my left so I now I wonder, was his angel already there? He died on Wednesday. Unfortunately, this knowledge was blocked from me as soon as I left his door or else I am sure I would have thought and thought about how this would come to be. I only remembered part of the conversation the morning he died and the rest two weeks later.

I do not understand why God would allow me to have some foreknowledge like this. It has pushed me to being over the edge at times - like half of me is stuck on the other side in eternity.

I do believe that Jesus has a heavenly home for us but it is another thing for me to actually have two sons living there. (Revelation 21 http://www.biblegate... 21&version=NIV )

I have discovered these kind of premonitions known as near death awareness is more common than most will admit. I am giving you a link to Carol Kearns, who also lost her daughter but worked as a grief counselor for many years. She also worked with Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, death and dying expert. Her story explains this near death awareness that some seem to have.

http://www.carolkear...ch_believe.html

I will pray for you .

Here is another family I have been a contact with who lost their 3 daughters in an accident.

http://www.brt-photo...ayer/Faith.html

God will be with you, most of the time He just carries me around.

[Mermaid Tears]

I probably missed something...but I think I hear the postings that Kate's husband is in a good place...thank you, Jesus,.....and each of you....isn't it something....that we can do 'ok' and then not be in a place where we just 'can't cry'.....all is good....all is well.....thank you to all out there that have held me up...and do hold me up.....