Loss of an Adult Child

[Mermaid Tears]

I am sharing my personal response that I wrote to someone.

I understand why your world is unfocused. If you look in the loss of adult children forum you will see some of what I have written.

One of my posts includes how I fall over a cliff several times a day at least. And about the "i want to find them" ...that is why I fall over my cliff. I am searching as well.

What I did not share in the main forum is that Jesse felt especially this last year he was not going to live for long. Told me that last April. Then on the Saturday before he was killed he called me and made up an excuse for me to come to his house. He then told me he was going to have a "short" life.

He was looking off to my left so I now I wonder, was his angel already there? He died on Wednesday. Unfortunately, this knowledge was blocked from me as soon as I left his door or else I am sure I would have thought and thought about how this would come to be. I only remembered part of the conversation the morning he died and the rest two weeks later.

I do not understand why God would allow me to have some foreknowledge like this. It has pushed me to being over the edge at times - like half of me is stuck on the other side in eternity.

I do believe that Jesus has a heavenly home for us but it is another thing for me to actually have two sons living there. (Revelation 21 http://www.biblegate... 21&version=NIV )

I have discovered these kind of premonitions known as near death awareness is more common than most will admit. I am giving you a link to Carol Kearns, who also lost her daughter but worked as a grief counselor for many years. She also worked with Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, death and dying expert. Her story explains this near death awareness that some seem to have.

http://www.carolkear...ch_believe.html

I will pray for you .

Here is another family I have been a contact with who lost their 3 daughters in an accident.

http://www.brt-photo...ayer/Faith.html

God will be with you, most of the time He just carries me around.

thank you...thank you...thank you....you will understand....why I cannot say...or type more....thank you

[BrendaDup59]

Brenda, you might need to see a physical therapist, maybe a pain doctor ( just do not start the narcotic-based pain medications, if the pain specialist just proposes the pills - dump him/her) for possible procedures, maybe an acupuncturist. Tendinitis may be very painful, but it is not necessarily treated by pills or surgery - try to look to some methods which are considered non traditional here, in the US, but these conditions are commonly treated by other methods in a lot of countries. Sometimes compresses or warm/hot baths help, herbal medications and so on

Second opinion as to your MRI scan might be helpful as well. If there is a big teaching hospital in the area it also might be better to have a consult there. One radiologists opinion may differ from the other one ( and often does). Second opinion by not only neurosurgeon and neurologist might help as well.Studies have shown that surgery per se is not always the best option, even if you see deterioration in the vertebrae.

Kate, great to hear about your husband's good surgery.Hope everything will go well with all the additional treatments.

o f , Thank you so much for taking the time to write , I have tried physical T in the past never did any good, they have already given me pain meds that I wont take as I am not going to get hooked on it, so I just try and deal they mentioned maybe injections ,I will have to see, as for the second opinion several doctors have seen my MRI at that hospital and another hospital in Louisville but that was the first MRI and he said not to do surgery until it get so bad that it's my only choice , while this one shows my neck has gotten worse it is still bearable I think once I get my tendinitis is cleared up it might not be so bad I can tell when it's hurting or it's my neck.. I guess this is what happens when you are a hairdresser for 30+ years , any way I just wanted to thank you again.. .. Take Care Brenda

[Mermaid Tears]

Kate.....so happy to hear your good news....that is a big load off of you and your husband....the power of prayer.....

Brenda....have you tried acupuncture ? Just want you to know it is amazing ...just want you to be in a place where you are not hurting....we know you are hurting enough with the grief issues..

Yesterday was a very, very emotional day for me....it comes from out of no 'where'...it is what it is...woke up today feeling lighter.....blessings to all...

[Mermaid Tears]

FYI.....there is a documentary called Motherland....it deals with grief and healing....a group of Mothers travel to Africa...they have all lost a child....very moving.

[tobyfreefoot]

HURRAY!!!

seriously kate i am so glad things are looking up!

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

thank you...thank you...thank you....you will understand....why I cannot say...or type more....thank you

If you need to you can just email me a personal message.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

o f , Thank you so much for taking the time to write , I have tried physical T in the past never did any good, they have already given me pain meds that I wont take as I am not going to get hooked on it, so I just try and deal they mentioned maybe injections ,I will have to see, as for the second opinion several doctors have seen my MRI at that hospital and another hospital in Louisville but that was the first MRI and he said not to do surgery until it get so bad that it's my only choice , while this one shows my neck has gotten worse it is still bearable I think once I get my tendinitis is cleared up it might not be so bad I can tell when it's hurting or it's my neck.. I guess this is what happens when you are a hairdresser for 30+ years , any way I just wanted to thank you again.. .. Take Care Brenda

I don't know if this would help but I have a lot of muscle problems and other things like that. I have found that using ultrasound therapy from the chiropractor helped. You can also by them now on the market. They encourage blood flow the the afflicted area and helps promote healing.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

I think if I hear about "moving on" or "closure" one more time I am going to scream! Does anyone else in this forum hate those terms?

Two entirely over used phrases used in grief counseling or by well - meaning friends.

I don't want to move on or have closure. I want to see my son again. To hear his voice. Just to have fun with him.

[daveydow1]

Lora----I, so, agree with what you said that "seeing sunshine is like seeing

your Cara's beautiful smile. It brings a lightness to the heart, somehow....

and we can feel warmth in the heart, as the sun brings warmth to the ourside.

Dee----Your forsythia must look like ours at this stage....just a change of

the color of the twigs/branches. Our forsythia is quite old and large. My

husband had to trim it last year, as it was crowding over into, and interfering

with, the lilac that is next to it. I must get out there and clean out the bluebird

boxes, so they can nest....but it has been so windy, blustery, and cold that

I just keep putting it off.

Kate----I'm praying hard for you & your husband. It must be so very stressful

for you right now, and I hope that it all turns out ok . Peace to you, friend.

Becky-----. You are right.....

trying to get justice for a child killed by a careless and impaired driver is, indeed,

an uphill climb, and a lonely one at that. However....you are committed to getting

justice for J.D., and I hope with all my might that you succeed.

Brenda-----I'm sorry for your health problems. I agree with Dee, that all the stress

and pain of grieving on this journey can make any health problems we may have

had, even worse. Thanks for the pics. They are so clear and professional. That little devil squirrel...

he is so determined to get the corn for his snack.

Mermaidtears----I felt the same as you.....that it helped when you came to BI. I

lurked in the background for the first year after Davey died.....only coming to

read the posts. Then came on as a member. Those that were here at that time

(2003) gave me hope and confirmed that I was not alone in my grief. It felt

reassuring to hear them voice the same fears, anger, confusion, and heartache

that I was feeling, and also that there was hope and light too.

Laurie----I'm so sorry for your loss of your dear baby at 7 wks.old. I, too, had a baby who died....

(she was 6 mo. old at the time)....due to choking which resulted in pneumonia. That was years ago.

I hope that the witness to your son's death will co-operate with the police

and tell the truth as to what he saw. You are so smart to get outside investigation

to reconstruct the wreck. I think that many times there are 'slip-ups' and inaccuracies

in police reports. The police were able to talk to many witnesses in my son's death/

wreck because the scene was so mangled....fuel tank ruptured on the truck that caused

the wreck.....fire trucks...etc. and people waiting for ambulances....that no one could

really leave the scene due to disabled vehicles etc. The freeway was closed for 6 hrs. in order

to clear the roadway. I, so, wish you success at getting the truth brought out. It sometimes takes a lot of perserverence and determination to get at the truth. The police often want to hurry through the

investigation and wrap the case up,so some details can be overlooked, or brushed aside even.

I'm not saying that they are negligent, of course, but it's important to find out about any inconsistencies

that may be present. Sometimes just small things can be vitally important in the pursuit of a

wrongful death lawsuit. The Highway Patrol in my son's wreck did a pretty thorough job in

their report, I have to say. But...it mattered very little where the court was concerned. The

truckdriver got a slap on the wrist. Sending thoughts & prayers.

PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL IN THE INDIGO FAMILY.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Jeff's Mom]

HURRAY!!!

seriously kate i am so glad things are looking up!

Gretchen, thanks so much! Just lovely. Also, thanks to all for your continued support and good vibes. Today I found him to be in a slightly better condition then I had expected after such a major surgery. Holy smoke, he sure has his mom's genes! That woman lived through nine lives each year. Anyway, he still has a spinal for the next day. They gave him a spinal and a full general for the surgery. I gather the spinal is to keep the pain under control. He is a real trooper and fooling everyone at how well he is coming along. He has two nurses that are looking after him constantly and they are just really sweet and lovely young woman. Can't seem to do enough for him. I know he was in good hands when I left late this afternoon. I must admit that tonight I am exhausted. I am just about t make a soothing cup of tea and watch the figure skating world championships. Off to bed early tonight me thinks. Kate

[tobyfreefoot]

kate sounds like a good plan. cuddle up with your tea, know we are thinking of you and get a good night's rest!

[Mermaid Tears]

Lora----I, so, agree with what you said that "seeing sunshine is like seeing

your Cara's beautiful smile. It brings a lightness to the heart, somehow....

and we can feel warmth in the heart, as the sun brings warmth to the ourside.

Dee----Your forsythia must look like ours at this stage....just a change of

the color of the twigs/branches. Our forsythia is quite old and large. My

husband had to trim it last year, as it was crowding over into, and interfering

with, the lilac that is next to it. I must get out there and clean out the bluebird

boxes, so they can nest....but it has been so windy, blustery, and cold that

I just keep putting it off.

Kate----I'm praying hard for you & your husband. It must be so very stressful

for you right now, and I hope that it all turns out ok . Peace to you, friend.

Becky-----. You are right.....

trying to get justice for a child killed by a careless and impaired driver is, indeed,

an uphill climb, and a lonely one at that. However....you are committed to getting

justice for J.D., and I hope with all my might that you succeed.

Brenda-----I'm sorry for your health problems. I agree with Dee, that all the stress

and pain of grieving on this journey can make any health problems we may have

had, even worse. Thanks for the pics. They are so clear and professional. That little devil squirrel...

he is so determined to get the corn for his snack.

Mermaidtears----I felt the same as you.....that it helped when you came to BI. I

lurked in the background for the first year after Davey died.....only coming to

read the posts. Then came on as a member. Those that were here at that time

(2003) gave me hope and confirmed that I was not alone in my grief. It felt

reassuring to hear them voice the same fears, anger, confusion, and heartache

that I was feeling, and also that there was hope and light too.

Laurie----I'm so sorry for your loss of your dear baby at 7 wks.old. I, too, had a baby who died....

(she was 6 mo. old at the time)....due to choking which resulted in pneumonia. That was years ago.

I hope that the witness to your son's death will co-operate with the police

and tell the truth as to what he saw. You are so smart to get outside investigation

to reconstruct the wreck. I think that many times there are 'slip-ups' and inaccuracies

in police reports. The police were able to talk to many witnesses in my son's death/

wreck because the scene was so mangled....fuel tank ruptured on the truck that caused

the wreck.....fire trucks...etc. and people waiting for ambulances....that no one could

really leave the scene due to disabled vehicles etc. The freeway was closed for 6 hrs. in order

to clear the roadway. I, so, wish you success at getting the truth brought out. It sometimes takes a lot of perserverence and determination to get at the truth. The police often want to hurry through the

investigation and wrap the case up,so some details can be overlooked, or brushed aside even.

I'm not saying that they are negligent, of course, but it's important to find out about any inconsistencies

that may be present. Sometimes just small things can be vitally important in the pursuit of a

wrongful death lawsuit. The Highway Patrol in my son's wreck did a pretty thorough job in

their report, I have to say. But...it mattered very little where the court was concerned. The

truckdriver got a slap on the wrist. Sending thoughts & prayers.

PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL IN THE INDIGO FAMILY.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

I want to Thank you Sherry....for being here for all of us 'new' ones....who come with a raw and mangled heart....and looking for answers and rhyme and reason..in this 'grief walk'....thank you for your words...and reaching out with your hearts full of kindness and understanding...like Dee...who seems to have words that comfort....am so filled with gratitude for you and them that have come back here...even when you have had a layer of healing...to give to others...

[Guest]

.......

[Mermaid Tears]

About the term of 'closure'....which you hear thrown about like cheap 'quick' words...closure to me means...the family that finally finds the 'body' of the child that was lost...so many years ago...and they find the body.....the service man...that they finally identify...and is brought home to rest....that is 'closure'.....for us....those words mean nothing....or 'move on'....for we are in a foreign land..and we move when we find our footing...in the dark...and we are moving on...on our own speed...but..we will never 'move on' to the steps of those that have not walked in our shoes...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

About the term of 'closure'....which you hear thrown about like cheap 'quick' words...closure to me means...the family that finally finds the 'body' of the child that was lost...so many years ago...and they find the body.....the service man...that they finally identify...and is brought home to rest....that is 'closure'.....for us....those words mean nothing....or 'move on'....for we are in a foreign land..and we move when we find our footing...in the dark...and we are moving on...on our own speed...but..we will never 'move on' to the steps of those that have not walked in our shoes...

I agree especially with the last statement. I think in our type of society everyone wants everything quick and fast. It is not easy to wait for healing and assist others in this very slow process and not try and rush them.

[BrendaDup59]

Hi, Thank you Lora ,Mermaid Tears, sherry, and anyone else who has shown me so much concern, I do feel better today it's amazing how the steroids worked so fast I was able to do my moms hair (perm) and I am not crying from pain well a tiny bit.. .. well I went and bought another CAMERA ..yep thank goodness for QVC and easy pay, I got another Olympus but this one does so much more .. here are few I took today .. you just wouldn't believe what I went through to get it the mail lady left it at the wrong house, and we are guessing the person who got it dropped it off at my door this morning thank goodness ,they had opened it ,just the outer box so no big deal just glad I got it .

I ask Brian's friends on his Face Book to write a favorite memory of Brian and a few have done it , I want to print them for his kids , Traci had me crying she has such a way with words ..I wanted to let you all read what she wrote ..To me it says how great a father he was ..

The day that Jaci was born, I was putting up laundry after I had come home from work, and as I was walking up the stairs my water broke, I prayed to have just peed my pants lol but no such luck, she was ready to come almost 7 weeks early..I remember calling you because you had just left to go back to Louisville and you thought I was playing a joke on you...Needless to say you didn't even make it to the hospital before she made her first appearance into the world...but I have to say there isn't really any one particular time that sticks out to me when it comes to you and Jaci because to you everything she did was amazing. This little girl that sits beside me as I write...had you wrapped around her little finger. Not that you didn't love all your children but you thought she was so fragile and was so afraid of something happening to her. (She's grown to prove us wrong, she can handle alot more than we think) I would get a hundred pictures or videos of her a week. The way the world had to stop when she needed something. Pictures of her eating, crawling, taking a bath, sleeping, it didn't matter what she was doing to you, she was your princess. I know she won't remember how much you adored her and it makes me very sad, I wish I could have bottled the love you had for your children and give them a teaspoon a night to fill the hole you left in their hearts. I'm afraid our stories will never amount to the love that we all could see in your eyes when you looked at any of them. I am thankful that I was chosen to have your children.

boy the things I am finding out.. lol some are really funny my son had such a wonderful since of humor .. Have a great night Love ya Brenda

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Kate, that is wonderful news, our prayers have been answered. It brings such an uplifting mood to the Beyond Indigo community, we are like family.

Laurie, thank you for all the links to the websites, they are all very good. Since Cara died, I have been like a sponge and absorb and search for all kinds of information on grief, you name it.

Brenda, my hairdresser has a lot of problems with her neck and back, also I think it goes with the job. I hope you can find a way of managing your pain. With your health issues. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Susan, I know those kind of days, I usually can tell as soon as I wake up, but as you said the next day is a little lighter. One day at a time is how we literally live our lives. As we have all said, thankful for this place and everyone here.

I worked both jobs yesterday so I am tired tonight, It has been 9 months since Cara has been gone, it is hard to believe. Somedays it feels like yesterday and some like it has been forever. Thinking of you all.

Cara's Mom~

I am glad you have found the web sites helpful. Another site I follow is Glimpses of Heaven with Trudy Harris. She also is a long time hospice worker (22 years) and also served as the president of a large hospice organization. I try to find people who are very seasoned in this area to learn from.

http://www.guideposts.org/blogs/glimpses-of-heaven/they-all-described-heaven-the-same-way

I totally agree with the "feels like yesterday and some like it has been forever". It seems like it isn't fair that life is going forward without our loved ones. I think about, "Yes, today I would have done this-or-that with my son". Then I am immediately mad/depressed realizing that it will not be.

Yet at the same time I think to myself I am one day closer to my sons. One day I will go beyond the veil of what we think life is and I will be glad.

I was very close to my son. We had almost daily contact. I lost my best friend when he died (or more accurately relocated to heaven). I also feel we were uniquely spiritually connected in some way. But I can't get into that yet.

I am sure that many of this web forum had those very tight connections with their children.

***********************************************************************

So deep is the love, so deep is the mourning.

***********************************************************************

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

May God's peace be with you all tonight.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Lora----I, so, agree with what you said that "seeing sunshine is like seeing

your Cara's beautiful smile. It brings a lightness to the heart, somehow....

and we can feel warmth in the heart, as the sun brings warmth to the ourside.

Dee----Your forsythia must look like ours at this stage....just a change of

the color of the twigs/branches. Our forsythia is quite old and large. My

husband had to trim it last year, as it was crowding over into, and interfering

with, the lilac that is next to it. I must get out there and clean out the bluebird

boxes, so they can nest....but it has been so windy, blustery, and cold that

I just keep putting it off.

Kate----I'm praying hard for you & your husband. It must be so very stressful

for you right now, and I hope that it all turns out ok . Peace to you, friend.

Becky-----. You are right.....

trying to get justice for a child killed by a careless and impaired driver is, indeed,

an uphill climb, and a lonely one at that. However....you are committed to getting

justice for J.D., and I hope with all my might that you succeed.

Brenda-----I'm sorry for your health problems. I agree with Dee, that all the stress

and pain of grieving on this journey can make any health problems we may have

had, even worse. Thanks for the pics. They are so clear and professional. That little devil squirrel...

he is so determined to get the corn for his snack.

Mermaidtears----I felt the same as you.....that it helped when you came to BI. I

lurked in the background for the first year after Davey died.....only coming to

read the posts. Then came on as a member. Those that were here at that time

(2003) gave me hope and confirmed that I was not alone in my grief. It felt

reassuring to hear them voice the same fears, anger, confusion, and heartache

that I was feeling, and also that there was hope and light too.

Laurie----I'm so sorry for your loss of your dear baby at 7 wks.old. I, too, had a baby who died....

(she was 6 mo. old at the time)....due to choking which resulted in pneumonia. That was years ago.

I hope that the witness to your son's death will co-operate with the police

and tell the truth as to what he saw. You are so smart to get outside investigation

to reconstruct the wreck. I think that many times there are 'slip-ups' and inaccuracies

in police reports. The police were able to talk to many witnesses in my son's death/

wreck because the scene was so mangled....fuel tank ruptured on the truck that caused

the wreck.....fire trucks...etc. and people waiting for ambulances....that no one could

really leave the scene due to disabled vehicles etc. The freeway was closed for 6 hrs. in order

to clear the roadway. I, so, wish you success at getting the truth brought out. It sometimes takes a lot of perserverence and determination to get at the truth. The police often want to hurry through the

investigation and wrap the case up,so some details can be overlooked, or brushed aside even.

I'm not saying that they are negligent, of course, but it's important to find out about any inconsistencies

that may be present. Sometimes just small things can be vitally important in the pursuit of a

wrongful death lawsuit. The Highway Patrol in my son's wreck did a pretty thorough job in

their report, I have to say. But...it mattered very little where the court was concerned. The

truckdriver got a slap on the wrist. Sending thoughts & prayers.

PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL IN THE INDIGO FAMILY.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

Thanks for sharing your story with me. I am afraid I will get very little justice from what others have told me.

[Guest]

.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Sandy, My thoughts and prayers are with you today, Sarah sees and hears you. I pray she will send a sign to you today to let you know she's close by.

Kate, so happy for the news on your hubby. I pray that God will continue to bless you and yours.

Gretchen, thank you so much for the rasta greeting!! Loved it!

Today, for me, is one of those days that all I can do is cry. The weight of this grief is so incredibly heavy.

You are always in my thoughts. I miss U so much...

[Mermaid Tears]

Hi, Thank you Lora ,Mermaid Tears, sherry, and anyone else who has shown me so much concern, I do feel better today it's amazing how the steroids worked so fast I was able to do my moms hair (perm) and I am not crying from pain well a tiny bit.. .. well I went and bought another CAMERA ..yep thank goodness for QVC and easy pay, I got another Olympus but this one does so much more .. here are few I took today .. you just wouldn't believe what I went through to get it the mail lady left it at the wrong house, and we are guessing the person who got it dropped it off at my door this morning thank goodness ,they had opened it ,just the outer box so no big deal just glad I got it .

I ask Brian's friends on his Face Book to write a favorite memory of Brian and a few have done it , I want to print them for his kids , Traci had me crying she has such a way with words ..I wanted to let you all read what she wrote ..To me it says how great a father he was ..

The day that Jaci was born, I was putting up laundry after I had come home from work, and as I was walking up the stairs my water broke, I prayed to have just peed my pants lol but no such luck, she was ready to come almost 7 weeks early..I remember calling you because you had just left to go back to Louisville and you thought I was playing a joke on you...Needless to say you didn't even make it to the hospital before she made her first appearance into the world...but I have to say there isn't really any one particular time that sticks out to me when it comes to you and Jaci because to you everything she did was amazing. This little girl that sits beside me as I write...had you wrapped around her little finger. Not that you didn't love all your children but you thought she was so fragile and was so afraid of something happening to her. (She's grown to prove us wrong, she can handle alot more than we think) I would get a hundred pictures or videos of her a week. The way the world had to stop when she needed something. Pictures of her eating, crawling, taking a bath, sleeping, it didn't matter what she was doing to you, she was your princess. I know she won't remember how much you adored her and it makes me very sad, I wish I could have bottled the love you had for your children and give them a teaspoon a night to fill the hole you left in their hearts. I'm afraid our stories will never amount to the love that we all could see in your eyes when you looked at any of them. I am thankful that I was chosen to have your children.

boy the things I am finding out.. lol some are really funny my son had such a wonderful since of humor .. Have a great night Love ya Brenda

Brenda....am hoping that the medication keeps working for the good....and you get relief....I don't have your issues...but I find that grief is a very heavy physical load and it presses down on our hearts and souls...you have given us such an assortment of nature photos....so there you are...hurting...and yet you share the bounty of all that is beautiful in your world...I live in South Texas....and you have prettier birds there ....or maybe I have not tried to find them....I do feed birds in my back yard....thank you for sharing..that is one of the sweetest stories ...and the children will appreciate you saving them..for there will be a day that they will appreciate them ..it takes some growing up...I know that this is simply so hard...but you are ringing all the right bells.....

[Mermaid Tears]

Sandy, My thoughts and prayers are with you today, Sarah sees and hears you. I pray she will send a sign to you today to let you know she's close by.

Kate, so happy for the news on your hubby. I pray that God will continue to bless you and yours.

Gretchen, thank you so much for the rasta greeting!! Loved it!

Today, for me, is one of those days that all I can do is cry. The weight of this grief is so incredibly heavy.

You are always in my thoughts. I miss U so much...

Oh Becky...our Warrior Mom....what an amazing photo that is....and we know how it comes straight from your broken heart.....am with you....I had a very bad day the other day....today feel better....so you just go on and cry....give yourself permission to just let it all out....for it does need to be 'out'.....not held inside like we are going to get some kind of award for being so..."STRONG".....we are strong..and brave...and we have enough love in our little finger to float a ship....am sending you a 'hug'.....and a 'Mama Prayer'.....

[Mermaid Tears]

Am sending lots of prayers for you, Sandy.....remember that the bonds between a parent and child is the strongest....and Sarah is close to her Mama today....wrap yourself in a big hug...let your tears flow...if that is what you feel...He understands....He will comfort you...He will bring you through this....Blessings to you and yours...

[Mom of Chip]

Good morning...Even though I haven't been posting much lately, you are all in my thoughts and prayers.

I read something yesterday that I would like to share with you...

I don't remember it exactly but it went something like this.

We grieve because we love our departed loved ones...

If not living with our grief was at the cost of never having them in our lives to love,

it would have been too big of a price to pay.

I've been thinking about this and I do know that having Chip in my life helped to shape what I have become today.

So I will try to think about the good times we had and will glorify him until I breathe my last breath..

Closure may never completely come, but I know that I was blessed by having him in my life.

Looking back, I wouldn't have it any other way.

BTW, I have been at my new job about 2 weeks....selling sewing machines..

I spent the first week learning the ins and outs of the business part,

then this week I have sold 2 machines.

Pretty proud of myself...

And I thank Chip for guiding me to this opportunity.

Good day to you all....I hope you have happy memories to get you thru the day.

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee and Lora.....thanks for all your postings of your 'walks' in the sunshine and fresh air....I walked my dogs for a few blocks around my house....then I went to a park here in town that has a walking track...a park that holds lots of memories of John David and his brothers hanging out there and playing soccer on the fields....it was hard..but do-able....but here in this Brenham town....there isn't any place that doesn't have a snap shot memory of him....I talked to a friend of mine that lost her only daughter 3 years ago....she related how she 'cocooned' herself....and that is relative to what I have been doing....social engagements are still so hard...for I don't know when something will come from 'left field' and I have a melt down....I feel very safe within the walls of my home...anyway...the walk was good....and plan to walk everyday....for it does feel as if Nature reaches out to give you a measure of healing.

[BrendaDup59]

Hi, Sandy I just wanted to tell you I am thinking about you and praying for you ,I pray Sarah wraps her loving arms around you and lets you feel her near .. this is so hard I know Sunday is my 1st angelversary and I just had a melt down,, 1 year ago tomorrow will be the last time I spoke to him.and I Thank God I told him I loved him that was our last words . Take Care of yourself.

Mermaid tears , thank you for your kind words , since Brian died I have had a hard time in seeing any beauty in my life but it is slowly coming back I find watching my birds and taking pictures is a way for me to escape my pain if just for a little while . I think some of my family have been a little disappointed that I have not gotten back into my drawing but that takes more effort then I have in me right now but I hope to get my passion for drawing back as I want to someday draw my son's portrait . Thank you for your support and friendship Take Care .here is my Flicker page I have if you or anyone would like to see more of my photos I have put up a few years worth of flowers , butterflies , birds . http://flic.kr/ps/zbpqN

[JD's Mom, Becky]

I read something yesterday that I would like to share with you...

I don't remember it exactly but it went something like this.

We grieve because we love our departed loved ones...

If not living with our grief was at the cost of never having them in our lives to love,

it would have been too big of a price to pay.

Del, that is so very true, thanks for sharing!!

Thanks, Susan, for the cyber hug! I needed that today!!

[Mom of Chip]

This was posted on Facebook earlier today. Wanted to share....

[Mermaid Tears]

This was posted on Facebook earlier today. Wanted to share....

so very true....and in music form

[Mermaid Tears]

Good morning...Even though I haven't been posting much lately, you are all in my thoughts and prayers.

I read something yesterday that I would like to share with you...

I don't remember it exactly but it went something like this.

We grieve because we love our departed loved ones...

If not living with our grief was at the cost of never having them in our lives to love,

it would have been too big of a price to pay.

I've been thinking about this and I do know that having Chip in my life helped to shape what I have become today.

So I will try to think about the good times we had and will glorify him until I breathe my last breath..

Closure may never completely come, but I know that I was blessed by having him in my life.

Looking back, I wouldn't have it any other way.

BTW, I have been at my new job about 2 weeks....selling sewing machines..

I spent the first week learning the ins and outs of the business part,

then this week I have sold 2 machines.

Pretty proud of myself...

And I thank Chip for guiding me to this opportunity.

Good day to you all....I hope you have happy memories to get you thru the day.

I don't have time now to go into the whole story....am sewing some throw pillows...my sewing machine 'acts up'...was wondering what kind you sell....what is a good brand or model....??

[Mom of Chip]

I don't have time now to go into the whole story....am sewing some throw pillows...my sewing machine 'acts up'...was wondering what kind you sell....what is a good brand or model....??

I sell Viking and Singer...they both are good brands. Singer is on the low end and not expensive. Unless you are doing some heavy quilting, embroidery or serging any of the Singers would be fine. They are on sale right now at the JoAnn stores....a nice one in the Curvy models is originally $500 and on sale thru March for $199...and there is one of the lower models(doesn't do many different stitches) that's on sale for $99. They have a 25 year warranty. You can also get some models at Walmart.

[carolyn.desiano]

I think if I hear about "moving on" or "closure" one more time I am going to scream! Does anyone else in this forum hate those terms?

Two entirely over used phrases used in grief counseling or by well - meaning friends.

I don't want to move on or have closure. I want to see my son again. To hear his voice. Just to have fun with him.

I know the feeling... I'm so tired of people telling me that I should move on, or that if I "do this" or "do that" then I will have closure. It's not closure we're after. Who wants to close the door on someone that they loved?! It feels like betrayal.

What wouldn't we give to have them back in our arms, to be able to hug them and tell them how much we love them and what they mean to us... Why do people insist on telling us to move on, when I know that, at least in my case, I would rather move backwards, backwards in time to before all of this happened and figure out some way to keep it from ever occurring.

I'm so sorry for your loss, Jesse David's Mom. For everyone's loss...

[Guest]

.

[daveydow1]

Carolyn---I am sorry for your loss of your dear husband. This

is a good site where everyone cares, and tries to help. Please

come back to BI when you can. Yes, I agree with you, that it is

useless for people to tell us to 'move on'. This, coming from them,

is their timeline.....not ours, and we must grieve and give ourselves

the needed time to heal, and it is a timeline that each person must

decide on their own.....not someone elses opinion. Take the time

that you need to grieve for your loss. It is such a short time for

you, on this grief journey. Just do what's best for you.

Peace to you., friend.

Del----

Oh congrats on selling your first two sewing machines.

Becky-----So sorry that the tears have been falling today. Sending

thoughts and prayers, and hoping you get some sweet signs from

your dear boy JD.

Sarah----Sweet Sarah.......

Smile down and send warmth into you mama's

heart.

Sandy-----Sending thoughts & prayers.

Laurie----I agree----sometimes it seems like only yesterday since we have

lost our children....that's because of the pain & sorrow that surrounds us.

Then.....it can seem like forever.....that's how long it feels since we have

had them near to us, to talk to them, hug them, and just be with them.

There seems to be many twists and turns on this journey, and sometimes

it is confusing, for sure. I'm sorry that it is so difficult for you trying to

get to the truth of your son's wreck, with the resistant witness and all, but

I wish you success in whatever you decide to do. Peace & comfort, friend.

Brenda----Glad that you are getting some relief from your pain. The writing

that your daughter-in-law made of her favorite memory of Brian is so sweet

and touching. It is so good that you are saving these writings for the children.

They will, no doubt, treasure these memories someday. Wonderful pics of

the birds ! QVC is a good shopping site. I, too, ordered a small digital camera

from them a few yrs. ago. I used to buy their jewelery, but it has gotten more

expensive in recent months, so I have not ordered anymore. I have enough

as it is now.

Mermaidtears----thanks for your kind words. Yes, this site is a good source

for anyone who is grieving. One can come here anytime...day or night, and

just post how they are feeling. I remember thinking that "how could a site

like BI help"? when I first stumbled onto this site. But, when I started reading

all the posts, and finally starting to post, the people who were here posted

back to me and I felt some hope. Everyone who comes here is welcomed

into the BI family. It is a site that no one ever wants to be a part of, that's

for sure, but if life hands us this terrible grief to deal with,.....it's good to know

that there are others who know how we are feeling...all the ups and downs

on this bumpy road we must navigate. Thoughts & prayers.

Kate---So glad that your husband is doing better. Continued prayers for you both.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

Sarah, help your Momma and your whole family find ways to move forward carrying you in their everyday movements, allowing them that sense of you in all they do. Bless them with your peace, so that they know that you are more than fine, and they know that you will love and watch over them for all of time.

Sandy, may you feel Sarah's forever love enter your home, your heart, your spirit today and each day.

[ericasmom]

Del, great job selling those machines that I never learned to use. I am so impressed, you get the job, you end up having to take days off for more grieving and now you are selling...fabulous.

Carolyn, I am so sorry for the pain you must be feeling. Hang on to us, we will hold your hands and heart through the storm of grief. Hang on and come back.

TO All, I have been ridiculously busy this week, going to bed but wanted to bid you all good sleep. I had a presentation tonight for parents, and it is report card week so those go out tomorrow, so that is what I have done each night...and I got a new student out of thin air yesterday at lunch hour, so just scrambling to make sure he has what he needs while getting to know him. Just plain old crazy busy. I am looking forward to a bit of weekend.

Sleep well, dream sweetly, know that the ups and downs, the pitfalls, all of it, are the only ways through grief to a place where it becomes easier to breathe and easier to live a good life even with the hole in your heart.

[Mom of Chip]

Help me....I am computer stupid......I posted a song from You Tube earlier today..I know it posted because I listened to it..and Mermaid Tears heard it.

Now it is gone...What gives?

[ericasmom]

It is still there Del, I just scrolled down to see it. It is lovely by the way, I have it playing in the background right now, so thanks for posting it. Boy, all the words reach that spot in us that has us filled by the truth of the lyrics.

[Mom of Chip]

It is still there Del, I just scrolled down to see it. It is lovely by the way, I have it playing in the background right now, so thanks for posting it. Boy, all the words reach that spot in us that has us filled by the truth of the lyrics.

I just looked at it and it's on my post again. My computer has a mind of its own sometimes....LOL

Yes, Dee..it really 'tells it like it is"..the first time I listened to it, I cried all the way thru it.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

I know the feeling... I'm so tired of people telling me that I should move on, or that if I "do this" or "do that" then I will have closure. It's not closure we're after. Who wants to close the door on someone that they loved?! It feels like betrayal.

What wouldn't we give to have them back in our arms, to be able to hug them and tell them how much we love them and what they mean to us... Why do people insist on telling us to move on, when I know that, at least in my case, I would rather move backwards, backwards in time to before all of this happened and figure out some way to keep it from ever occurring.

I'm so sorry for your loss, Jesse David's Mom. For everyone's loss...

Carolyn, to everything you said in the above post, you could not have put it more accurately. Everything you said, everything is exactly right.

Who wants to close the door on someone that they loved?! It feels like betrayal. -- Yes, that is it exactly. Am I just going to shut out from my heart and mind my beloved son of 28 years or in your case your husband?

when I know that, at least in my case, I would rather move backwards, backwards in time to before all of this happened and figure out some way to keep it from ever occurring. -- In my case, I spend lots of time on this. Especially since in my case, my son kept telling me he thought he was going to not live long. This initially started in April of 2012 but I have always worried about him. My husband did not want him to ride the motorcycle that Jesse bought in August. He was horrified when he saw my son with it. The Thursday before my son died, I begged him to give the motorcycle up. To which he replied, "When it is your time to go, it is your time to go". I may go right down the road and be killed. " Well guess what, it happened just as he predicted. That Saturday for the Wednesday morning he was killed, Jesse made up an excuse for me to come over, I know that now. He was acting odd. He told me then his life was going to be "SHORT". He looked right past me to my left. It was like he could not say more. And for some reason when I left his house that evening, I could not remember this conversation until it was too late. Did I mention that I called him on his cell phone just 3 minutes before his accident? If he would have pulled over to the side and answered, which he usually did, Jesse would still be alive. There are so many strange events surrounding this, I feel like I am stuck halfway between this world and the next. I have read hospice stories which explain some behavior, including the book "Final Gifts". But usually in those cases, the people knew they were terminally ill. It was like what I am walking through. I think sometimes that when we are going to leave this earthly realm that some of that can bleed through to what is our present. I kick myself and hate myself for ever allowing him access to a motorcycle. It should have been me that died.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Carolyn---I am sorry for your loss of your dear husband. This

is a good site where everyone cares, and tries to help. Please

come back to BI when you can. Yes, I agree with you, that it is

useless for people to tell us to 'move on'. This, coming from them,

is their timeline.....not ours, and we must grieve and give ourselves

the needed time to heal, and it is a timeline that each person must

decide on their own.....not someone elses opinion. Take the time

that you need to grieve for your loss. It is such a short time for

you, on this grief journey. Just do what's best for you.

Peace to you., friend.

Del----

Oh congrats on selling your first two sewing machines.

Becky-----So sorry that the tears have been falling today. Sending

thoughts and prayers, and hoping you get some sweet signs from

your dear boy JD.

Sarah----Sweet Sarah.......

Smile down and send warmth into you mama's

heart.

Sandy-----Sending thoughts & prayers.

Laurie----I agree----sometimes it seems like only yesterday since we have

lost our children....that's because of the pain & sorrow that surrounds us.

Then.....it can seem like forever.....that's how long it feels since we have

had them near to us, to talk to them, hug them, and just be with them.

There seems to be many twists and turns on this journey, and sometimes

it is confusing, for sure. I'm sorry that it is so difficult for you trying to

get to the truth of your son's wreck, with the resistant witness and all, but

I wish you success in whatever you decide to do. Peace & comfort, friend.

Brenda----Glad that you are getting some relief from your pain. The writing

that your daughter-in-law made of her favorite memory of Brian is so sweet

and touching. It is so good that you are saving these writings for the children.

They will, no doubt, treasure these memories someday. Wonderful pics of

the birds ! QVC is a good shopping site. I, too, ordered a small digital camera

from them a few yrs. ago. I used to buy their jewelery, but it has gotten more

expensive in recent months, so I have not ordered anymore. I have enough

as it is now.

Mermaidtears----thanks for your kind words. Yes, this site is a good source

for anyone who is grieving. One can come here anytime...day or night, and

just post how they are feeling. I remember thinking that "how could a site

like BI help"? when I first stumbled onto this site. But, when I started reading

all the posts, and finally starting to post, the people who were here posted

back to me and I felt some hope. Everyone who comes here is welcomed

into the BI family. It is a site that no one ever wants to be a part of, that's

for sure, but if life hands us this terrible grief to deal with,.....it's good to know

that there are others who know how we are feeling...all the ups and downs

on this bumpy road we must navigate. Thoughts & prayers.

Kate---So glad that your husband is doing better. Continued prayers for you both.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

Because of some of the words spoken here, I did confront the reluctant witness's mother in law is supposed to be my "friend". I asked her if she spoke to him or not, and she came up with a bunch of lies to me. Three in a row, each to cover up for the last one. In the end my husband called the Sheriff's dept and found out that the reluctant witness finally made a statement. I am really disgusted with my so-called "friend" (I have known her for years and supported her through various difficult ti mes) that she would even consider not encouraging someone to go to the police with vital information. Now I know why she has very few friends left in this town. What a person without honor.

[ericasmom]

Jesse David's Mom, I had some real messages too about Eri leaving us early...won't go into it now, have to go out. But suffice it to say that sometimes there is an aura or a haze around our loved one that is soon to leave, as though the Angels are causing a bit of a gauzy swirl around them, and sometimes we are privy to it but not in a way that can keep them here, just somehow in a way that makes us worry before the event. The one statement you made, I should have been taken not him, no. You are still here for some reason that will become more clear in the years to come. While we have all felt that a young one with so much in front of them should not be gone, the fact is we are here because we still have work to do before we join them. We don't know why and why only finds us spinning our wheels and using up any energy we might muster, now is the time to instead try to figure out HOW. How do we go forward in his light? How do we honor the child we love while we still walk here on earth? How do we make sure that we are taking care of ourselves as he would want? How do we find our new life in the midst of so much pain?

All of this takes time and as Sherry so beautifully said the other night, it is your timeline to find these things out, not anyone else's. Nobody else gets to have expectations of when and how you should proceed. We have our babies, have we ever been the same person that we were before we had them? NO> So why would we return to who we were after they die?

People are uncomfortable with our changes, but taht will have to be their problem because the energy drain it is to try to keep up with folks who want us back to who we were, is too much for our systems and we can't get there anyway.

Be who you are in this new day. Let your grief out and don't try to hide it for now, just let it be where it is for now, and as time marches on, you will find a bit of order in it all and slowly build some new hope. Be kind to you, your Son would have it no other way.

[O F]

Carolyn, to everything you said in the above post, you could not have put it more accurately. Everything you said, everything is exactly right.

Who wants to close the door on someone that they loved?! It feels like betrayal. -- Yes, that is it exactly. Am I just going to shut out from my heart and mind my beloved son of 28 years or in your case your husband?

when I know that, at least in my case, I would rather move backwards, backwards in time to before all of this happened and figure out some way to keep it from ever occurring. -- In my case, I spend lots of time on this. Especially since in my case, my son kept telling me he thought he was going to not live long. This initially started in April of 2012 but I have always worried about him. My husband did not want him to ride the motorcycle that Jesse bought in August. He was horrified when he saw my son with it. The Thursday before my son died, I begged him to give the motorcycle up. To which he replied, "When it is your time to go, it is your time to go". I may go right down the road and be killed. " Well guess what, it happened just as he predicted. That Saturday for the Wednesday morning he was killed, Jesse made up an excuse for me to come over, I know that now. He was acting odd. He told me then his life was going to be "SHORT". He looked right past me to my left. It was like he could not say more. And for some reason when I left his house that evening, I could not remember this conversation until it was too late. Did I mention that I called him on his cell phone just 3 minutes before his accident? If he would have pulled over to the side and answered, which he usually did, Jesse would still be alive. There are so many strange events surrounding this, I feel like I am stuck halfway between this world and the next. I have read hospice stories which explain some behavior, including the book "Final Gifts". But usually in those cases, the people knew they were terminally ill. It was like what I am walking through. I think sometimes that when we are going to leave this earthly realm that some of that can bleed through to what is our present. I kick myself and hate myself for ever allowing him access to a motorcycle. It should have been me that died.

Oh, my good Lord,I am not alone in those feelings "what could I have done differently to prevent this"...

The very morning my son passed away I saw him pulling out of the garage, actually saw the car and the thought flew through my mind - "you are not going to see him ever again". I was terrified and blessed him with a cross and prayed quickly, but i never picked up the phone to make him return - he was a very good boy and would listen, even if that would mean missing day in college. But I didn't do it and did not call him until later in a day, when he was already gone...

People keep telling me that I would not have been able to change his fate, since his time was already chosen, but as a very control-freak type of person I still was mentally molesting myself... until I've read a piece form the book online "Sugar cookies" ( posted here - THANKS about the mom ho lost her adult daughter in a diving accident... Read that link - she actually did try to intervene...

I had a weird experience yesterday. I had to fax my son's death certificate to my company and I was getting it from the drawer and folding it and preparing to put in my bag for today, when my cell phone started ringing. The number was not known to me, with listings VA, USA and when I've picked it up there was nothing, though connection in my room is perfect. After I disconnected I dialed the number because sometimes I give my cell phone for various business reasons, and for the first time there was this dead silence and then busy signals and by the second time I dialed the answer started to be this number is not in service - in a minute after somebody from that number dialed my cell phone! I tried from my home phone as well and it was the same answer - the number is not in service...

I do not know, obviously, but the previous time I've looked and read my sons' death certificate, which was on Monday, I have cried and wailed for hours inconsolably..

Now I think that that weird phone call was there exactly for that reason - to distract me so much that I won't be crying and won't be in so much pain as it was couple of days ago..

Oksana, Pavlo's mom

[Jeff's Mom]

Just quickly stopping by to say I am sending love and hugs to everyone feeling blue at this time. Well, it has been a very intense week. I was so happy that my husband came out of the surgery as well as he did. I arrived yesterday to find that he had had a very scary night. Lots of things going wrong. Anyway, take a guess the name of the male nurse that sat with him that night? Well, it's not hard...JEFF! He is making a marvelous recovery and the surgeons are just amazed at how quickly he is improving. Today was the best yet. So, I am feeling so elated and happy and beyond positive that this is going to have a great ending. In truth, had he left us I honestly do not think I could have found the strength to carry on. Suddenly those crazy irritating habits of his look just fine to me. I am thinking of everyone that are about to approach that first angel date. Sending love and prayers. Love, Kate

[Mermaid Tears]

Oh Dee....how you can find a way to weave your words into the hearts of what we are thinking and saying....once again....I have to say...you say it for me...and then your words you type will find their way into the very 'top and bottom' of our very deepest conversations we have....for what you give..is what we 'know' in our deepest beings....we are just so mired in all the grief....we come up for 'air'.....you give us hope and blessings.....

Kate....I am just beyond 'happy' for you....really...really.....now you just hold all the good stuff..and all the blessings close to your heart....for your heart has been so heavy...and take all the good stuff and just run with it...run into a beautiful place....drink your cup of tea....make the blanket around your husband snug...wrap yourself in all the good wishes from all of us....for we are there with you.....

I, too, had a premonition of my John David's passing....too intricate for me to go into it all...but it was there....maybe...just maybe....we all are not too far from 'who..where...we come from'....it does not make it 'better'....but it does let me know that the bonds between him and me are very strong...and still there....and will always be there.....nothing can break it....I found this letter in his Memory chest....I wrote it so long ago.....

[ericasmom]

Susan, you are so dear you know, well I hope you know. Breathe in and feel the strength that is in you, and on days you don't feel the strength, read some of your posts which are filled with hope and strength. Love your letter to John D.

Kate, rest and deep sleep as you move forward to getting your Husband back home with you. Hooray.

Learning to Breathe

In and out is it?

Sometimes I forget the out part-

I hold my breath

my ribs expand and

I can hear the thumping of

my heart.

The rush of blood sounding in my ears,

like urgent footsteps coming

To tell me

that you are gone.

by dee

[ericasmom]

EKR

Elizabeth Kubler Ross where are you when we need you,

as we try to figure out a way to pull one limb at a time from this stage,

and progress to the next?

None of them pretty, the stages I mean,

all of them promising the roller coaster of emotions,

all of them lead to the end.

And so the outcome, Sweet Elizabeth,

is repeated over and over again,

just as you predicted,

just as you taught,

and we so wish we never had to put it into practice.

But we are grateful for your promise of acceptance and assimilation

as it does one day come.

So you were there all along Elizabeth,

in between the pages of my old psychology books and now all those books on grief,

waiting for us to come back and read again,

in our newest iteration as parents of lost children.

by dee

[Shelli's Mum Cheryle]

Oh God it hurts so much. Michele (Shelli) left us in July and then my Mum in December. i havent had time to miss my mum. Shelli's hurtful x husband, plays games with us regarding our grandsons who lived with us whilst we cared for them and their mummy, now they live with him and his girlfriend and her 2 children. My 3 grandsons, one has asphergers syndrome, lost their dad (who police took away), we moved in to care for everyone for 9 months, their mummy died, Grammi and Grandad were sent solicitors letters to leave the house the day before their mothers funeral, mummy was buried, daddys girlfriend and her two kids moved in two weeks after the funeral, 2 of my grandsons lost their bedrooms and were moved into the garage which was converted into a rough bedroom. So many changes for them. Now he tells them lies about us grandparents whom they love The boys school is terrific and the girlfriend isn't too bad.

Now we go to court for access. fight... stress... anger... resentful... pain....hurt... hurt... heart broken.,... disbelief..,, missing her soooo very much... my beautiful daughter the little mother who was a special needs teacher... I need her... we need her.. Oh God

[Mom of Chip]

Oh Dee....how you can find a way to weave your words into the hearts of what we are thinking and saying....once again....I have to say...you say it for me...and then your words you type will find their way into the very 'top and bottom' of our very deepest conversations we have....for what you give..is what we 'know' in our deepest beings....we are just so mired in all the grief....we come up for 'air'.....you give us hope and blessings.....

I agree wholeheartedly...thank you, Dee, for continuing to post your words, thoughts, and feelings for us. You give us hope that someday we will be able to cope with our 'new normal'.