Loss of an Adult Child

[ericasmom]

Sherry, so good to see you back, figured the storms may have knocked you out of power for a few days...the doe and babes sound so pretty, but I am worried about seeing so many young bucks coming out four blocks from the forest preserve to eat flowers and such...at this time of year there should be plenty to eat so that means over crowded, too many deer. The other day a six-point buck was walking along the street grazing on gardens, then starts to run when he hears or smells a dog, but when they run they try to run across many streets, one of them very busy, scary.

I love naps but that one was so deep and I felt so far away for so long a time but I feel ready for sleep again.

Sleep well all, peaceful night, cooler days.

[Guest msnher]

Early good morning, Indigo's;

I made the silly mistake of rolling to my side during the night which caused me to wake and take some more ibuprofen with a cold glass of milk. Wide awake I decided I might as well start the coffee and slice some cantelope for Gary's breakfast.

I have wonderful, glorious blisters on my hands. I had plans of catching up on my domestic chores yesterday - it was going to be a Donna Reed day - but instead found myself working in my garden the entire day. As I've said before, I quit tending to the garden when Stephanie died. I never watered another flower or pulled another weed. Yesterday I mowed it all down and raked and hoe'd until I broke the hoe. Curtis backed his old truck to the edge of my garden so I could fill it (the truck) with stuff for the dump. The garden hadn't just died, it became a "dump" for broken patio furniture and trimmed tree limbs. I moved two of our wood/rod iron benches to the garden and added several new "pretties". I worked until 7pm. It was very theraputic and rejuvinating. Today I will make a flower run. It was perfect - this garden. The way it represented the old me....the dead me...and now the rebirth of whomever I choose to be. There are no more expectations. There is just me. Wrinkles, warts and all. Just for today...one day at a time.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[shorty16]

Betsy

I am honored you remembered our angels at such at hard time (Brain, I love it). My father, also has choosen not to be in my life. Our Mom's were right. My mom used to say to me each time my father rejected me "Why do you do this to yourself?" I do not know. Hang in there girl. We are sending hugs your way.

Sus - You have overcome a major hurdle - dealing with who you have become, because of our child's death. Good luck with the New-You garden. I am sure it will be beautiful, especially with the little hands waiting to help.

I went to our local Compassionate friends meeting last night. It was very good. So many newbies that, 2 years ago, would have sent to the edge of the abyss. Now, I feel I can help them. Such different lives we have now without our kids. Such a new direction, a direction that we are still feeling and crying our way through.

Thinking you you-all. Love to you and to our angels.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

Gardens are therapy I think. May it represent the road you've been on and the new road you are on. What gardening zone are you in Wyoming?

Col, so glad that you are able to see your ability to help others at CF.

[Guest msnher]

Gardening zones? I have no idea. LOL I googled it for Wyoming and several sites popped up but I didn't open any...too lazy to learn. We live in a very dry climate with harsh winds. The summers get hot and the winters get cold. The wind blows all year. I won't be putting anything in the ground this year. Just some hanging flowers and a lot of accessories. Casper is 5000 ft above sea level. Maybe Sally knows more about it??? I agree, Dee, gardens are great therapy.

Colleen - I think it's wonderful that you are able to give back to those of us newer to this journey. Lord knows you have helped me more than you will ever know!

[mysonrich]

Sally, I pulled up Jeff's obituary and feel that it is beautiful y written, allowing us to see the man behind the words. I say this not because I know exactly how you feel or how you may feel in a week, a year..maybe you know this already; a friend of mine committed suicide 6years ago after his two children died, a son from suicide, a daughter from cancer...what I learned is that hindsight is 20/20 and if any of us that knew him read the signs right, he might be here today. Again, he may not. More “ if I listened more”,” if I had truly knew what he was thinking”...more “if's”...I know there is not detour on the “if” road, it must be traveled, we have no crystal ball, we are not mind readers..I hope that the “if” road has an exit ramp that will allow healing and peace in short time not mind/heart breaking for a long duration, on the “if” road.

Susannah,Betty, Dee, Colleen, Sherry, thank you. Dealing with him has brought back memories of Richie’s funeral service. Things he said that were better left unsaid such as, he left during the service because he had been to many before. He talked about Richie’s friends; musicians,artists, a best friend that always wears shorts, the boy in a suit and sneakers...really, who cares and if they looked different from him/Bill, does not mean they are not good people,productive people.

Bill has said out loud that he would not know my daughter if she were to pass him on the street. This coming from a man that lived less then a mile from us. Sarah, at 25, has no desire to cultivate a relationship with him. And she is right when she said that there is really no reason to do so. Though Bill speaks highly of her, she is a stranger.

When he said he wanted to die I gazed at the floor and saw a collage of all the children here and the meaner part of my mind,later, said if you want to die you better stop drinking the shakes. Of course, I did not voice this. So, the pain I have felt in my neck and shoulders is less troublesome today but not entirely gone. Billitis!

[ericasmom]

Sus, no matter the zone, cleaning out the old and in with the new is good for your spirit, I congratulate you.

Betsy, glad that you are seeing the man for who he has been in your life. Hard but necessary adn how nice that Sarah sees that it is not a worthwhile endeavour.

[ericasmom]

http://www.garden.org/zipzone/index.php?img=nwusa

Here is an easy way to see what zone you are in for future planting. You look to be in zone 4. We are in zone 5.

[mikesmomrs]

Sally, my thoughts and prayers are with you...holding you close. I too cannot say that I know how you feel; I can only say that grief is a road that must be travelled and the pain we encounter there seems sometimes insurmoutnable, but the wonderfuly, loving people on this site (and the truly kind, blessed people who created it) have helped all of us to walk further than we ever thought we could...and we will help you on this journey, as well. Blessings to you and your family.

Betsy: Oh, I am so glad that you were able to vent...the pain of a parent behaving that way is not something that I have had to encounter in my life, and I truly do thank God for this, but I have seen many friends and acquaintances who have, and the pain is etched on their faces, scars in their lives that are there forever. Blessedly, many have been able to live their lives despite this pain, living full, happy, productive lives, and I thank God for their being able to do this. My dearest friend, Rita (she died of cancer in 08) who I was close to for almost 50 years, suffered such pain in her younger years...physical and sexual abuse...and while it took her a long, long time to heal, she did, and had a nice life for herself and for her son, who is now 35. Your Sarah was wise to avoid this pain...blessings to her as she starts a new chapter in her life. Thank you so much for saying all of our angels' names, your children were blessed with you as their mother. Rich is so very proud of you, as I am sure your sweet Sarah is as well.

Trudi: Oh, I too believe as Dee said---the stars are lining up for this to happen. We don't know when or how, but we do know there are no "coincidences," don't we....good luck with the sausage stand, and I know the children who hear your sweet lilting voice reading to them will be blessed by that encounter.

Sherry: I agree with Dee, the appearance of wildlife so close to civilization is a warning sign that they are over-populated, or that they are being driven out by construction or such. It was good that you got to see the "show" put on by the three you encountered. I had such a "show" once, on the way home from work...it was lightly snowing and I happened to look over besie me, and down a long driveway, there were 4-5 deer, dancing about, almost as if they were playing ball with the snowflakes. It warmed my heart.

Betty: I am sorry that you are in the doldrums...I hope that you will be able to find the sun again soon...I knwo that Stephen surrounds you with his love and pride...sending you strength and prayers.

Colleen: I know that you have much to offer the new people in the Compassionate Friends group; they will benefit from your wisdom and experience. Bless you for being there to offer it to them.

Bonnie: Good luck with your foot surgery. I too hope you are all better by Pinnacle Days...it sounds like a really good time you are setting up. Glad to hear the band was able to accommodate you.

Sus: Your comparison to the garden and your own "new you" is right on target...the flowers you put out will mirror your own blooming. It sounds like you did tons of work, and the blisters on your hands are worth it, for sure. Good luck with the rest of it...and when you are done?

Speaking of gardens, my own is looking a little "summered out" and I was driving by a nursery on Sunday that advertised it was their "last day" and prices were "drastic." Well, drastic they were...$1.00 for a pot that normally is $4-5, and when I loaded up the tray (10 pots for $10) I mentioned to the lady at the checkout that I really liked the hanging plant next to the counter...she asked if I wanted it, and said "Please, just take it. In fact, if you see anything else you like, just take it...it is truly between you and the compost pile right now...we are only open for another hour." So, I got quite a few really pretty things, even a couple of hanging baskets. They are all annuals, but they add so much color. I got some for Cathi's garden also, as she didn't have much in her yard this year due to a lot of cleaning up she had to do from winter. And, yes, Dee, I agree...gardens are truly therapy. That is actually how Cathi got started. When we lived in our old house and I did a lot of gardening, she said once that she would never put her hands into something that would likely encounter worms, snails, grubs and whatnot. Now, she doesn't use gloves when she gardens because she "loves the feel of her hands in the dirt." And the worms, snails, grubs and whatnot? The only whatnot that bothers her is a spider, which she truly hates, but just flicks them all out of her way now.

In fact, I must share her "blog" that she wrote a couple of years ago...the first part written after Mike died, and the second part written a couple of years before...it is fun to read, and I think you will enjoy it.

DIRTY GIRL (revisited)

Speaking of summer, I finally got my garden in. I have tomatoes, peppers, cucumbers, corn, and some herbs. I have tons of flowers, and my roses and clematis are coming in beautifully with a little TLC from me. It’s not much, but it looks much, much better than last year’s mess. My roses never bloomed, my vegetables all died. I really haven’t tended my gardening well, to be honest, since…well, since Mike passed away. I’m not blind to the obvious. It’s been hard to nurture my garden…watching plants with their gaudy display of life; it was difficult. I know I’ll never “get over” my brother’s death. But I am ready to begin nurturing life again. I’m not over my brother, but I am at peace with his spirit all around me, in my house, in my car, and behind the life force of all my beautiful plants. So. Let’s dig, baby.

(The following is one of my favorite blog entries from long ago in Bullyland version 1.0, I hope you enjoy it).

Dirty Girl

The onset of spring, with its baby green offerings, really sucks me in with its promise of continuity. No matter what happens in my life, that peony is going to emerge, red and purple like a newborn baby and pushing up at an amazing speed from a blank spot in the soil every April. I am in awe and buzzing with excitement this time of year. I pace the yard every morning and evening, to see what plants are coming up, what is getting buds, repeating a kindergarten mantra under my breath, “ready, set, grow.” I start making a list: dirt, compost, peat moss, purple & orange annuals for this spot, white and purple for that spot, etc. Through some mysterious metamorphosis I have become a plant loving, dirt digging obsessed maniac.

I have no idea how this happened, but it began about the second year into my homeownership. It started with a couple of container plants, and by the end of the summer I’d nearly relandscaped the entire yard with over 100 new plants. Now, I’ve never been one to like dirty hands or clothes. I’ve always been comfort oriented, and dirty fingernails and muddy feet weren’t in my program. Insects have always horrified me, especially spiders. I managed to contract some sort of mental disease that not only gave me a new tolerance for such things, but in some cases actually makes me desire them! I have CHAD — Compulsive Horticultural Acquisitional Disorder. I’ve got it bad!

Working in my garden, I have no less than 100% chance of something, usually a big hairy spider, freaking out after I’ve inadvertantly moved his hiding leaf or something. If not a hairy spider than a beetle of ominous posture, a centipede or a nasty white pinchy grub. Now, this isn’t something that I’ve come to love. But I swear to you that five years ago I would have never considered rustling my hands through dead leaves to uncover something so (at the time) menial and nondeserving of risk as a crocus. I can’t say that I’m exactly fearless when it comes to bugs now, but unless the little bastard is actually crawling on me or jumping at me, I don’t even bother to scream. I give an involuntary peep, scoop it up with my spade, pitch it into the woods and just move on. If it’s a cute bug, such as a ladybug or butterfly, or even a praying mantis I might even talk to it. (In the bug world, cuteness saves).

Dirt, on the other hand…Let’s just say I must have found my inner child when it comes to dirt. Some mood or presence, youthful and carefree and delighted, sets upon me when I get going in the garden. I get snips of memories, like film clips, from when I was a very young child. I remember lying on my stomach on the fresh green grass and watching all the little life move around in its own tiny ecosystem. I was too entranced with discovery –how things felt, how they grew, how they moved in the breeze outdoors — to care about dirt or grass stains or bugs touching me. I have a renewed love for the feel of the moist soil in my hands, my hair, dampening my knees and socks, streaking my face. I love the smell of the dirt, the plant roots, the cuttings, and the mulch.

And the plants themselves – I’m devoted to them all. I await with baited breath the a posse ad esse of a ripe tomato from the seed I planted. I love finding plants left for dead behind healthier ones at the Home Depot and being victorious the following season when they burst back into life. I am fond of every plant I own to a ridiculous point. Some have names. I mourn for plants that don’t make it. I collect seeds and cuttings from gardens of anyone who will let me. I agonize over Japanese beetles and lily beetles and ground bees that set up their little tunnels in my annual bed. I fret pitifully on a solution to the “puppy problem.” There is nowhere in my yard, currently, that the puppies can be and not dig into, chew up, or pee on something that I prize. (This will be my Garden Challenge 2006).

Anyway, I welcome this time of year like I’d welcome a bottle of lithium after a six month bipolar spree. Spring and summer’s opportunities to play in the dirt like a child and play god with the life in my garden are like hall passes from heaven. Every April, freedom is mine, at least for a few months. Depression cannot break through my armor of garden soil and washes down the drain with the dirt when I at last get into a hot shower. My old friend, mania, nips my heels but I am too tired from gardening to play with her, so she eventually moves on, pouting and swearing she’ll be back (yeah, whatever!). I am busy getting my fill of spring and summer and dirt and plants and inner peace and childish happiness, so that when November comes and kills it all, I won’t be too devastated. I know it can’t last forever, so I will be a dirty girl while I can!

Oh, give us pleasure in the flowers today;

And give us not to think so far away

As the uncertain harvest; keep us here

All simply in the springing of the year.

- Robert Frost

[shellyku]

Carol - Just read Cathi's blog parts 1 and 2 and I must say it is so delightful the way she

describes the "Chronic Horticultural Acquisitional Disorder". I have it bad as well. I'm pretty

sure I'm as hooked as she is!

[shellyku]

Oops! Make that "Compulsive Horticultural Acquisition Disorder"! I think it's chronic too!

[mysonrich]

Carol, I enjoyed Cathi's blog. Insightful, funny, a little creepy with the crawlers.

Betty, the ocean air does wonders doesn't it. The smell of saltwater in the air, the way our hair moves in the ocean breeze. It also stirs memories of another time and another place. The ocean breeze brings with it a deep sadness at times . I guess our grief is like the tide in a way. The grief washes over us. Sometimes it settles in a tide pool. We watch,wait,think. In time it flows back out to mix with the greatness of it all. I'm sorry that you're stuck in the tide pool these last few days. Betty, thanks.

Sherry, I don't know what a cornfield has to do with humidity but I'll look it up.

Dee,I do remember the many times that you have written of your dad. Not a dad really was he. I wanted to say to you that my Bill issues are trivial . I feel silly even talking of him when I now you and others have been hurt so deeply. He is hurtful and selfish yes , and as Carol said of her friend Rita, she overcame the sexual and emotional abuse , in spite of him? In a way my contact with him over the years saved me from becoming more like him.

Sarah's Mom, tell us a little more about your garden when you can. CHAD does not sound like a bad afflicition.

So today I drove to the river. I took along a salad, peach tea (turkey hill) and a book I have been reading. The sky is blue with light,white puffy clouds, temp is 91 but a nice 91 with a breeze. I watched the many people out on bikes, walking/jogging, sitting on benches. I realize that I spend too much time inside or near home. I have to change that.

[ericasmom]

Carol, that Cathi has inherited your way with words and writing talent. Oh I love her blog, laughed out loud and could hear her mom's voice in her as well. Lovely, dig baby dig.

Betsy, not trivial at all, in fact I was aligning the similar experience of having had fathers that were not whole, not wholly there, not good humans, does not have to be physical to have the residual sense of having been left out of something that was supposed to be 'family' something way different than what you had. The continued---maybe this time he will like me, maybe this time he will show respect, all similar in its result of leaving adult children having to find out how to parent oneself as they parent their own children, vowing to never be like those that lacked in all the areas we needed nurture. I am glad that you did not spend more time with him as well, it is very hard to separate the rust from the chrome, one takes on the lack of luster and light when constantly degraded. You my Dear, have light and shine in you and I delight at thinking of you outside under a blue sky, just right.

[rlolheiser]

Not a lot to say, just wanted to tell you all that i am thinking of you. It has been really busy here. All is ok here.. at least as much as it can be.

It took me 45 minutes to get this up online.. so not much time .. wow.. gotta get cable.

Gardens,.. yuck, I have a brown thumb, everything crumbles. I was so proud of myself for keeping a plant from JaBoa's service for over 4 years, this spring i put it outside for air, sunshine and a little rain water and the neighbor dog ate it.

Betsy, hugs to you.. thank you for sharing your story of your dad.. and for remembering our angels. Rich is so very proud of you.

I have to go, door is knocking, it is hubbys birthday today and people have been stopping by.

Love you all of you

[mysonrich]

Ramble on...Richie's g/f told me that she and Rich would be driving down the road, spotting my dad's truck Rich would say, “ there's my grandfather”. No wave. No beep of the horn's. Not a thought of stopping for a chat. I feel bad for both of my kids, he didn't treat them well, as if they never existed. Rich had strong conviction's, he was able to cut through the BS and see things in a clear,bright light. Many times answers were so simple. Maybe aging makes life more complicated then it really is. Needless to say this has stirred up many unpleasant memories and like you all, the most hurtful thoughts and memories are the ones in which we feel our kids were hurt,slighted. Its to bad he never bothered to get to know 2 great ,wonderful grandchildren.

Leah, happy birthday to Mr Leah !!

[summergirl]

Hello Dear Friends - not alot to say as I am in a funk....need to get out of it so we are going camping, taking camper down tomorrow night and then will go and stay Thursday through Sunday....really need to get away from all the "drama" of work and every day "really want to smack that person" syndrome !!!

I am always thinking of all of you, how much you have always been there for me, how I would not be here today if it were not for all of you....Always in my prayers and heart.

Here are a few pics of Tavian, his friend's Damien and Will (red head) out pulling the traps......Tavian loves it as you can see by the look on his face.....Love that boy.

God Bless and virtual hugs to all....Kathy

[raren30]

Hi every one,

I was told to come and chat on this forum.

On July 12 2011 I gave birth at 21 weeks to a beautiful baby girl. She passed away half an hour after birth. It's been hard but my fiance and my daughter who is almost 10 has been the biggest support. It's nice to know I'm not alone. Just wanted to say hi to everyone have to get the kiddo to bed. Have a good night everyone.

Caren

[Guest msnher]

Caren, I am so sorry for the loss of your new baby girl. You've come to the right place to let your feelings out without fear of judgment or reprisal in return. We all know the heartache of losing a child and will share your burden of grief as you try to rebuild your life without the precious life you barely got to hold. Whether we have lost our child after 20 minutes of their arrival or 20 yrs, the void they leave rips us wide open.

Welcome, even though I wish it wasn't necessary to welcome you to this club none of us wanted to join.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Well said Sus, and if I may, I ditto that welcome. We certainly wish there was no need to have a place that houses our broken hearts, but since there is and that is where we each have found ourselves, thank heavens for this place. Caron, take your time and don't get overwhelmed by our numbers. We embrace each new person to our forum. As Sus said, no matter the age of the child, we are here for you and for each other.

Peace one day,

[mikesmum]

Caren ~ whether we have only just met that child we carried or lay to rest the child we saw grow the ache, the longing the missing is nonetheless overwhelming. I hope being here can help you on this 'journey'.

All, I'm finally back at the Bay. The wet darkness that has been the Hills lately has given way to a bright blue sky here at the bay. Its still cool, but somehow it doesn't seem that bad here. I arrived late yesterday and crashed around 7pm waking at 9am. Today after walking awhile and just taking it easy I snoozed from 1pm - 4.30pm. There is a serenity here that finds me able to rest and relax.

I am now in the planning stage of relocating back to the hills and while I thought it might make me sad, I seem to have a renewed focus. I have bought new paint for 2 rooms in the hills. Have also been researching a better longer wearing carpet. The house came with steel grey acrylic carpet that is awful...and that's being kind. Having the offer of reading with the kids has also given me a boost. Something I did many years ago with my kids who were one year apart in their grades.

Bestsy, Dee and Colleen ~ I am so sad that your fathers did not have a positive, loving or caring bone in their bodies. Their loss. Mikes bio dad (the donator) split when Steven was born. Yep left me at the hospital and 'forgot' to pick me up. I kid you not. My dad rang him and he said he was working. But that's a whole other story.

I was taken aback at Mikes funeral how this absentee dad was introducing himself as Mikes Dad. He had a call from Mike the night before he took his life, he can't remember what Mike said. He was full of 'I'm sorries' when he met up with Melissa and Steven. Prior to the funeral they all met him back in 1992. Back then he was all, lets stay in touch, we're family etc etc etc. Same story at the funeral. Melissa didn't trust him...she was weary of his 'show'. Steven try to reach out, calling him. After about a minute bio dad 'had to go'. They hurt them with their indifference. About 6 months after Mike died bio dad lost his dad. Melissa and I went to the funeral, same place as Mikes. He was all 'oh so glad you came' we're family. Melissa shut him down with a 'we're here for nanna'......her mothers daughter..

Kathy - I still get surge of anger..it can be towards Mal, the general public. Frustating anger that can come from nothing. Today as I was browsing the books in an alternative therapy store I found "The Dance of Anger" by Harriet Lerner PHD. It literally talked to me. Next to it was an affirmation card that read "Whatever you can do or dream you can, BEGIN IT". Signs signs....Hope you enjoy the beach.

Well group the Muttley Dog is as always patiently (?) waiting for some attention.

Thinking of you all....Trudi

[ericasmom]

Trudi, my heart is happy that you found the rest you were needing, so glad. I am also happy to hear that you have a new focus and that you are letting that direct your energies. I absolutely love the sign that you were given when looking at books...love it, and again, so much around us that is good, when we find the energy to follow that we are in good stead. I also think that I have read something of Harriet Lerner, I will have to check.

Anyone needing an AMAZING novel to read: State of Grace by Anne Patchettone of my favorite authors. I have read all of her work, and all of her work is just breath taking. Layered writing, dense, not an easy read but so talented. Holy Cow, it is on th ecurrent best seller list and so I bought the hard cover because I would have had to wait till November to get my hands on the paperback...I loved it. Odd and wondrous. It speaks to letting go of what we think will be most important and letting life unfold as it will. she is opening up a book store where she lives in the south, as she is so sick ,of bookstores closing, hooray my hero, just like louise erdrich who also opened up a store in her home town, Minneapolis after having many of her own books on the shelves of book stores around the world. Sadly, with the electronic book reading catching on so hugely, book stores are closing all around us. That and AMazon selling books has taken neighborhood bookstores and made it impossible for their old model to work. We lost a great store, BARBARAS a few years ago, and now there are only two or three neighborhood stores left and they are struggling. I went to Louise Erdrich's store when we met in Minneapolis a few years ago. It is called, Birch Bark Books. It is a wonderful place, filled with great books for all ages, and the major topics of these are native issues and native authors. LOVE it.

[dwsmithrn]

hi all indigo friends.

we went to virginia beach thursday and came home sunday evening. a 5+ hour drive. this gave us time to do a lot of talking, and that was nice. i think it was a necessity, here at the 6 month mark. seems i had a bit of a slip backwards. then i find out that my husband had slipped back a bit, too.

we had a nice hotel on the beach, just walk out of the slider to the beach. open the door and hear the waves. i spent a couple of hours on the beach by myself while jim was in his conference...i thought being on a different beach would be better, than the beach that nathan so loved and then left this life he so loved...but i found myself bursting into tears. guess it will take a while to find peace with that. my heart is still so heavy with grief and guilt. i think i will have to find a way to live with that the rest of my life.

i will tell you that we had a nice time together and i actually LAUGHED out loud a few times. made me feel guilty, too. how can i laugh when my child is gone? but i know he would not mind. he would want me to laugh and smile and live. i am finding it hard to do so, but i did laugh.

i am in kind of a funk today and have not wanted to get out of bed. maybe just a "day"...don't think it will last...just don't feel like dealing with life today.

i have been asked to do a little embroidery for my daughter's friend. don't really want to, but i didn't say 'no', so that's really my fault for taking it on. now i have to do it in the next day or two.

i am going to fort walton beach. fl, to see my oldest son and family august 3-5....they seem to be glad i am coming to visit. i am, too, i just can't seem to get all 'jump up and down' excited yet. does that make any sense? not that i don't want to see my son and grandchildren, i just don't find the kind of joy i used to. i'm sure it will all be fine once i am there.

i am so proud of you all with the gardens and the flowers and traveling and all the things you do. the finding the new 'you' and i want to be 'you' someday. i will find that, won't i ?????? i don't feel it now, but i find hope in what i read of your posts.

i am so sorry for the losses of the newbies here. it breaks my heart to know there has to be new people here with new pain. i want these heartaches to stop, now. i have no control of it, i know...i want to stand out in the street and scream for it stop, but i have no voice...if it did, non of us would be here. and yet we are....i am so sorry....even though i feel so new and so raw and my heart is broken, my world is shattered, i am still holding your hands, in hopes that we are forever friends on this horrific journey.

take care all and i wish for you a peaceful day......diane

[ericasmom]

DIane, you have definitely traveled many steps and I have no doubt at all that you will one day feel that you have learned how to live more happily in the face of such loss, I know it. You are doing it even though you are in such pain, you have to go through this stage to get to the next adn those slips backwards are inherent in the walk. That goes on even still for me at 8 years out, not saying that to deter you, no way! saying that to let you know that that is going to be part of the journey, just a piece of us now. I am so proud of you for going to the beach, for allowing your tears, for your long talks with your husband, for taking on a bit of a job, and for making plans. These are all things that a few months ago would seem impossible. And yes, for laughing and feeling guilty, proud of you for that because each of us ahead of you on this road did the same thing and came to the same conclusion as you, THEY would want us to laugh, THEY celebrate our laughter. HOORAY for you Diane, and don't feel badly about staying close to bed today, you are probably a bit tired from your recent trip and all the emotions that went along with it.

[Guest msnher]

Diane - At six months I doubt any of us, I know I wasn't, gardening or traveling or enjoying life. In a couple of years you, too, will be telling someone who is just six months into this horrible journey that they will find their footing. You will be telling them guilt is normal when we first really find themselves laughing again. You will encourage them to do what they need to do to get through the day, even if it means staying in bed. As you look at where some of us find ourselves, now, remember that we once were where you are....and, you will be where we are. And, when you find yourself on solid footing you just might have to remind us that the bad days come and go....offering encouragement to us as we do you. You have already come so far and are a fantastic reminder to me that as hard as it is/was/can be - we survive.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[westleysmom]

Diane-I am in a funk today too, and didn't want to get up. I never really know what will make me have a day like that, it just sometimes happens. Yesterday I had another training day and those are usually okay, because I don't have time to think about Westley. But this morning, it seemed like it hit me and sometimes I think of his voice, his laugh, his grin, and I can't believe that he is gone and not coming back. So anyway, it sounds like you had a good trip, but the letdown when you come home is always hard. And I so know what you mean about trying to get excited about something, anything. Sometimes I'm just too weary to look forward to anything or enjoy things that are happening right now. And it makes me feel bad and guilty for not appreciating the good things I still have in my life, for pining for the one thing that I want and can't have. I guess we'll be okay, but I liked being happy better. I know I should still claim to be happy, but somehow I can't. Colleen talks about "before everything was sad" and that's how I feel today. Hugs and hope to you.

[dwsmithrn]

rhonda, sus, dee.....thank you so much for those words of encouragement and wisdom....i am grateful i have found this site and more grateful i have you to turn to...for the good days and the sad days. i know i have a place to go to express myself. it helps that 'someone' out there understands when i feel so alone. i know you know that feeling better than anyone. thanks for helping me make this horrible journey so i am not alone. the fears, the pain, the heartache, and all that goes with it, it is not a fun journey by any sense of the word, and i am so sad we have to make it. i am still at odds with god, and still have to face my many issues with the 'whys' and 'shoulda',. 'coulda', woulda', and so on....i have a self-inflicted burden of guilt to bear and i have to deal with that. it may be a part of me forever, i don't know, but for now, it is me.

thanks again for being there for me....it means so much. love, diane

i miss nathan......

[Mourningsource]

Diane - It sounds like you are doing your griefwork and allowing yourself to feel all of those crummy emotions that come along with grieving. It is truly OK to have a stumble here and there. Keep working through those feelings and you will eventually find yourself coming through on the other side of it. I'm new to the forum, so I don't know your entire backstory, but I've always found journaling to be a wonderful exercise to help the grieving process. Again, I am so sorry for your loss and hope that you will find comfort in the friendships you have formed here.

-Greg

[ericasmom]

Greg, I journal also...tell us your story, who brings you to us?

Rhonda, I am sorry for your Blue mood, and it is okay to not be happy. It is not the same as never feeling happy about specific people in your life or feeling fortunate for those things you do have...but you are being honest, and right now in your life you cannot say you are happy. That is okay and I'd say knowing it and facing it offers you more than avoiding the whole notion.

[dwsmithrn]

thanks greg...sorry for your loss....

it is a life-long journey and i don't like it. don't want to be here and don't know how much of it i can take. i don't know that i will come out on the other end. something and someone other than who i used to be might come out on the other end, but not 'me'. that person is long gone.

i do journal...have ever since i lost nathan. it just says what i feel mostly, what nathan has missed and what i miss about him. it is for me and me alone. i wouldn't want anyone else to read it at this point. i think it would frighten anyone else....i think it is amazing that even though my mind is all jumbled up with a million thoughts and emotions, i can still find words and thoughts to put together. do they make sense? i don't know...some do and some may not, but i still write. i can write and cry right through the words i write.

thanks and have a good evening.....big counseling session tomorrow...i actually look forward to them.

diane

[daveydow1]

Dee----Yes, I think you are right.....the reason people see deer in unexpected places is because there are

too many of them, and hunger drives them into yards, flower beds, and along roadsides. Very dangerous

for the deer, and the motorists, when they decide to dart out across a roadways. These deer that I saw

live in the woods of about 100 acres, but we do see them crossing the road out here too. So far, none have

have been hit since we've lived here.

Sus----Man,......you really took on a job, and finished it well.......cleaning up your garden area. I agree....after

the loss of a child, one is not thinking of things like flowers, gardens etc. I know that I didn't either. But,

to my husband....it was a lifesaver. He planted and planted, raked, hoed, mowed, weeded etc. all the time

in the spring--summer--fall seasons. So glad that he found a way to keep busy and work through his

sorrow. He still does so much gardening/planting. Davey & Lisa's Garden is so nice. Black-eyed Susans

are now blooming.

Colleen---So glad the CF meeting went well, and I know that you will be a help and inspiration to all the people

who come there. May your dear boy, Brian, smile down on you for the help you offer to the CF people. Also,

I'm sorry that your dad also chose not to be a part of your life. You wonder how they could be that way, don't you?

Betsy----I'm sure that all Rich's friends who came to his funeral were good people, and Bill's criticism of them

was not nice. Boo to Bill. You know......I didn't know, either, for a long time, that cornfields could give off humidity,

but saw someone on t.v. explain it once. Last year, we had soybeans planted, but this year it's corn,....and I do

notice the humidity. However, it has been HUMID everywhere, so....who knows ?

Carol----Nice site to see all the deer playing in the snow on the driveway. They are nice to see. Sometimes there

gets to be so many in the state parks & forests that they will have hunting. I don't like that, but they say that it

eliminates starvation etc. I guess they often bear twins, so the populations can grow quickly. Not sure what the

answer would be to alleviate the situation, where there are just too many of them.

Caren----I'm so sorry for your loss of your sweet little baby girl. Such a heartache. My baby girl, Lisa, died at age 6 mo.

years ago. Please come back to this site when you feel up to it. Peace & prayers , friend.

Trudi-----Glad that you will be finding peace back in the hills.

Betty----Thoughts & prayers.....sorry you have been feeling down.

Diane----So nice that you had a trip to Virginia Beach, and talked on the way home. The 6 mo. mark is a rough time, I know.

Dee and Sus said it so well.....it is a step forward, and often a step back on this hard journey.

Rhonda----Sorry to hear that you are blue. Oh.....I know what you mean about how it hits you.......the voice, the smile, the

laugh....etc. and can't believe he's gone. It is like a giant punch to the chest, and the tears just flow. I pray that soon,

you will have a nice little dream, or sign, from Westley. Prayers.

PEACE TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Guest msnher]

I went to Sally's husband's funeral today. It was done with class, integrity and love. I did not take the opportunity to introduce myself to you, Sally, as I didn't want to intrude on all the people that knew Jeff. I saw you, sitting in the front row, with your three red headed children. My husband, Gary, was a red head (he's now balding and grey - shhh, don't tell him that, though). My daughter in law's natural color is red. Red heads have a special place in my heart. I sat in the back. I watched as your little girl, innocence and hope still written across her face, walked to the back of the pews. I thought "Sally should be proud" when your older son walked to the back and escorted the blond woman with a sling to the front of the church. It was obvious who your sisters were. Just from the pictures you've posted the similarities were unmistakable. I loved the songs that played to the pictures before the service. My favorite song was "Homesick" by Pastor Nick (?) . My favorite part was when the pastor told us what you would have us know about Jeff; "He is whole now". I couldn't help but get teary eyed. I know this path will be difficult for you. I know there will be severe pain. I also am sure you will make it through intact. Surely there will be scars...deep wounds leave scars, but you will heal, I have no doubt.

When the strength fades and grief seems to squeeze the air right out of your lungs, come to us and talk to us....along with your church family and your real family, we will walk with you.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[shellyku]

Good evening all indigos! I am trying to post more as I read most of the time and you all

really seem to have a nice relationship. When I first found Beyond Indigo, all I wanted were

answers to why Sarah died and maybe through reading this website, I would find those

answers. What I realized is that none of us have the answer to Why. But I find that just

chatting with others who know this heartache, it doesn't always have to be about death...

it is really about life and how it goes on. Just reading about others' everyday lives helps

me live mine...that it's okay and necessary to live mine. Anyway, if it's okay with you all, I

might be chiming in more with you wonderful people. Because who better to chat with

than people who know this pain, but more to the point, with people who are finding their

way to move forward, which is, I suppose, what we all have to do. I thank you all for being

compassionate enough to share your lives with the rest of us. Good night to all...sweet

dreams of your angels.

[Guest msnher]

shellyku - If it's okay with us? You don't need our permission, you just jump right on in! By the way...it's okay with us.

[Guest msnher]

Sherry - I am so proud of myself and my garden. There aren't any flowers in it, yet, except for ten solar light flowers, but there are several benches and a couple of chairs. My rib isn't too happy with my work, but I am! Do you help plant your vegetables? Or am I assuming you are a farmer (of sorts)? You're a seamstress, too, aren't you? I believe Kathy is, too. I used to be but I bought a new high tech sewing machine and I can't use the damn thing! It is so temperamental! Sheese! I loved the used one I bought when I was 15yrs old for $15.00. It had a straight stitch and a zigzag and reverse. I was able to sew all my button holes, zippers etc with that. That machine lasted me 20 to 25 years. I made all our clothes. Well, that was before Kmart's blue light specials and fabric was less expensive. Now it's cheaper to buy than to make. I couldn't read a pattern now if my life depended on it. Wouldn't matter if I could...I don't know how to use my damn machine!

[ericasmom]

Shellyku, I am glad that you are finding this place to be comfortable enough to join in, and please do. When I first came here it was about 6 monhts after Erica died, and Sherry was here but no one else that is still here now. Sherry and I lost children one month apart 8 years ago. Since then, We have seen so many parents come and many stay and new parents come and we all join in. Of course we wish that no new parents would come, we wish nobody would ever need to find a place such as this, but it is inevitable that some parents in the world lose their beloved children, and we are a handful of those who have joined here to help each other through the muck of grief and onto the business of living as best we can. You are right, we are still here, even when many of us could not understand why or how, but we are and at some point in our lives we find that we must learn to live again. We are not the same person as we were, we are familiar but we are changed in ways that unfold as we go along. We learn to honor those changes knowing that they came on the tails of so much loss. We realize that we are strong, not weak, we cry but we are not weak at all, how could we be if we are sitting here after losing our Child? We are strong, but we cannot change what has occurred. We can only find ways to put one foot in front of the other and again, until we are successfully walking forward again.

Sus, I am so happy that you went to the funeral for Jeff, so good that you were near Sally and the kids. What a small world to meet here and be only 10 minutes from one another. I am sure that Sally will be glad to know taht you were there.

Thundering and the wind is picking up. Storms are promised and I only hope that nobody is hurt by them or has further damage from them.

[mysonrich]

Susannah said,” I couldn't read a pattern now if my life depended on it. Wouldn't matter if I could...I don't know how to use my damn machine! “I'm laughing at your expense Sus, sorry .

Sherry, I'm on a learning curve re: farming. I now know why the farmers bail the hay on the first hottest day of the summer. I remember when my uncle gathered up my cousins, many years ago, and off they went to bail the hay. Extremely hard work. Now that he is gone, the neighbor and his 4 boys take care of the fields. I imagine there is a business deal between my aunt and the neighbor. If one can't farm the land in one form or another, the property taxes would leave many,and have, with no choice but to retire,sell the land. When I went to HS I knew many farmers. Some have been taken over after retirement and death of a parent('s), some farms are beautiful especially the horse farms. As I gaze on many now I hear,” cha ching , cha ching”. One spread is called “ Bluestone”. Picture perfect.

Sarah;s mom, I'm sorry for the reason that you are here,but you are right in saying that this site, the sharing of grief, family,friends, friends-no more, has allowed many to move forward . I still take a step or two back, we all do. Share more when you are able. What part of PA are you from?

I woke today with Rich on the fringe of a dream. He was there but I don't remember the dream. He was happy!

[shorty16]

Shellyku Please join us. Sorry you have to be here, but here is the place to be. If you can, tell us about your dear daughter. We would love to know more about her.

Indigos, My husband and his brother are going to Vegas tomorrow for the weekend. I travel to see my fellow indigo friends and he goes to party - WOW. Scott is a good man and will have a good time with his bro. I have no worries about his straying.

My sis and I are traveling to our State Capitol on Saturday morning to enjoy the farmers market - 4 blocks long all around the capitol. Really a wonderful thing to do. I am sure we will see some demonstrators, that seems to be the norm in Wisconsin now.

Thinking of all our angels. Betsy, I am still so touched that you thought of our angels when you were with your Dad. Yes, we would give our own lives to have them back on this earth. I am very humbled that in a time of your pain you thought of us. - Thanks

Colleen, Brian (Brain's) Mom forever (That will forever make me laugh.

[ericasmom]

Morning folks. Oh Sus, to be able to sew in the first place is a gift, i actually flunked sewing in 8th grade and have never given it another chance. Short of sewing an occasional button, nope. It is something my backward brain cannot handle. Never could read a pattern either.

Good day to all, Betsy, so glad that Rich was out there happy on the fringe of your dream

[dwsmithrn]

shellyku...you are always welcome to come here and talk. tell us more about your child and you....this is the place you need. this is a healing place...with friends who will take you by the hand; who understand what you are going through....only here, do they really know. please come as often as you want...say whatever is on your mind. good or bad. happy or sad...i sure do a lot of venting. i am not in a happy place yet....just 6 months out from when my beloved son took his life.

i woke this morning with the angels on my mind. oh, how i wish i could see them...just peek my head in a cloud and watch them for a moment....

have a good day all......diane

[Guest msnher]

Good morning, Indigo's;

Betsy - You said you now know why the farmers bail the hay on the first hottest day of the summer but didn't share the reason. Maybe you did and I'm too dense to get it. For the money?

Colleen - You and I need to get together, too. I hope Scott has a good time.

There are three men in the front seat of a pickup on a ranch...of course one is driving. Which one's the real cowboy?

[westleysmom]

Susannah-I give. Which one is it? I'm glad you were able to be at Sally's husband's service, since I wouldn't think we'll hear from her soon and are all concerned for her. Although she seems like an amazing person and might be back here before I could scrape myself off the floor if I were in her situation.

Shelly-I lurked for a while before joining in and sometimes have to take a break. But if I had to name a single thing that has helped me through the past 18 months, it would be this site and all the wonderful people that I have met here. At first it was hard to let anybody in to my world, especially when I heard the heartbreaking stories of how everyone came to be here among the grieving parents. I felt so alone, but I really thought that I deserved to be alone, I was a bad parent or my child wouldn't be gone. Crazy, I know, because when I heard the stories of others here, I never thought to myself that they somehow were responsible for their child's death. I still struggle with the thought that I could have saved him if I had been a better mom. So anyway, I hope it helps you as much as it has me.

Betsy-I'm glad you had a dream with Rich in it. I do love those dreams, where they live and breathe and laugh.

Thanks for the good thoughts and encouragement on the blue days. I don't want to be the person everybody feels sorry for, but sometimes I can't help feeling sorry for myself. I guess I'm being self-indulgent when I do that and need to do something nice for somebody who has it worse, and there's always somebody who has it worse, isn't there? I tend to focus on the people who have it better, but that street runs both ways. Hugs to you all

[ericasmom]

Diane, love the imagery you provided with that statement, peek my head in the clouds and watch a bit. I kind of was fantasizing the other day and picturing our Angels as they help receive new-to-heaven souls. I picture them completely covering a new soul as they enter into the light, covering in a swaddled way, the way new babies are wrapped by nurses. I pictured them holding these newly arrived souls so that the shock of arrival would not be at all a lonely feeling, and slowly slowly unwrapping them to the new. I know I am naive' in my pictures, but I see them all in a circle, a campfire kind of gathering, and the circle gets larger with new arrivals. Like us. Circles after all are so comforting, they have no beginning and have no end, they simply unify. They are unified, they are loved from here to there and back again, another circle. Unending.

[ericasmom]

Colleen, have fun at he market. We had huge electrical storms last night, huge, did you?

[echofc]

It is almost 3 weeks since I lost my daughter. The past four days seem to be worse than when it happened. I am trying to concentrate on how she must be at peace now, but it is hard to get the suffering out of my mind. I felt so helpless. I know Stacy would hate me being like this but would understand because we were so much alike. I think I need to not look at pictures for awhile and stay away from the cemetery. Hurts too much right now and I know she isn't really there. I keep getting messages from people about how she touched them. Like her friend Peter who also has cancer, and how when he was sick from chemo she would bring him soup and tea. His other friends stay away when he is sick and it meant so much to him to have her stop by. She left a big hole in many hearts.

I wrote a to-do list. Someone told me that would keep me focused and moving forward. Doesn't really work but have got some things done. My escape is photography and I'm hoping Stacy will inspire me in some way. We were very, very close. Our favorite things we did together was take pictures, watch chick flix and go to the Country Music Festival in Nashville every year. We also liked to get in the car and go get lost...we always found something interesting. Life has sure changed. Miss you Stacy with all my heart.

Sue

[ericasmom]

Dear Sue,

You are so very new on this journey though I am sure that it feels at times a hundred years worth of grief already. I am so sorry for your loss, Stacy is a beautiful young lad, and looks lovely in her cheeseburger hat. So cute. Where in Mass are you? We have members near you I think. Tell us more when you are able about you, about your Girl. How long was she ill? Several Beyond INdigo parents also lost their Children to cancer.

My Daughter, Erica, was 19 when she died, hit by an AMtrak at a broken crossing in Kalamazoo, Michigan, lived for 6 days on machines, died when we unhooked the machines. This sadness was 8 years ago. I remember the mark of time that you are at, three weeks, I resumed my bike rides and power walks, but little else at that point. I am a teacher so I was still on summer break when Eri died and still had 5 weeks off so I did go back to work in August and was very unsure that I could. It did me good though to be back around kids, their constant activity and need and laughter filled me up. We are definitely changed from our losses, though we find our way through the deep and the dark and we learn to look for signs and signals that our Children are letting us know that they are fine now. I wish you a gentle day, please come here and tell us anything you are feeling, you won't scare anyone with your grief or the sadness you feel. We all get it.

[shorty16]

Sue - Please be kind to yourself. Your mind and body have gone through and are continuing to go through a tremendous trama. It takes time and alot of it. I have been on the grief journey for 3 years. Our 16 year old son died while car-surfing. He was on the hood of a car and the driver lost control - senseless and preventable.

You have come to the right place. Each of us has lost a child - many different ages and all different reasons. We are here to help each other through this journey none of us want to be on. Please tell us about your daughter. No one judges here. We are all too broken to judge each other. We just want to live again.

Take care

Colleen Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Dee - Yes we did. The lightening storm was awesome. I am one of those wierd people who like storms. The thunder was clapping and the lightening lit up the house. It rained like crazy yesterday, but we needed the rain.

Thanks for asking.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[briansdad]

Sue,

Love the cheeseburger hat It will be photos like those that will help you along your journey.After my son died I spent as much time as I could with old photos and videos and I found it helped me a lot. I guess to validate that he did exsist. Be easy on yourself and do whatever your heart tells you to.

Here is the kind of photo that keeps me going nowdays.Pictures of my late sons daughter.Please note the I-phone stuck in the helmet under her nose.

[lolynbo]

KODY LEAVES TOM WITH BROOKE FAM TO GO TO SAN ANTONIO FOR FEW DAYS...I FEEL LIKE CRYING WORRIED BOUT THE ROAD TRIP....THE WHAT IFS....

HAD SUCH A HEADACHE YEST I THREW UP, NEVER HAVE DONE THAT B4...MADE ME CRY MORE (THE PAIN) THINKING OF HOW BAD MY BB GIRL KOURTNEY WAS HURTING.....SIGH...

[ericasmom]

Greg, that photo is priceless, and still, those Brian eyes shining out of Alyssa. Perfection.

Col, yep, I like a good storm too, though worry about the dangerous ones. We don't need the rain, we have reached saturation and would love to not have any more down-pours for a week or so. Just gentle rain, here and there is plenty. I went for a bike ride this morning, it rained gently while I rode some of the time, but nothing too heavy. It may rain hard again later, hope not, truly the garden can't handle too many more floods.

Sue, as Colleen and Greg stated, you need to be kind to yourself, go with what you feel you can handle. Shock is a very real thing, the reason you begin to feel more pain as time progresses can seem daunting, but it has everything to do with shock. The shock falls away in thin layers, and there lies the reality. It generally takes months to fall all the way away, it is the protection our bodies and minds give us in order to digest this tragedy in smaller doses. I remember being surprised each time a layer of shock fell away, thinking that I had had both feet in reality the whole time, and while I never lost site of the reality of ERi being gone, that protective layer shielded me somewhat from feeling it all at one time until I could better handle it. Not that there is ever a good time. For me, every couple of weeks or months until about the 6 month mark when I felt that all the shock was gone, no more protective covers on my wounds and that is when I found this place one night wandering around the internet when I could not sleep. I also went to therapy at 6 months and stayed for two years. I stopped, went back a few years later for some upkeep, and stopped and am back there now for a tune-up. We slip and slide as we go along. For me, and for many of us, as we enter new phases of our lives we cannot help but revisit some of the ache.

Betty how are you feeling?

Bonnie, hope surgery went smoothly, how are you feeling?

Carol, are things okay with everyone's health?