Loss of an Adult Child

[MargeeTx]

Afternoon to all, especially to lLouanne, Virginia, Peggy, Dee, KJMommy and everyone else.we FINALLY got some rain.  2 inches in 2 hours.  When we do things here in Texas, we don't know the word "minimal" about anything.  

Ok guys.... I started the new A-FIB RX tonight.  If you are medically interested, the medication is AMIODARONE ( $3.86/ one month).  Stopped the DOFETILIDE ($865/month.). These costs are with insurance.  So if you want some interesting reading, google them;  or if someone you know has taken the. AMIODARONE, I would love to know how the med worked for them.  I am praying I do ok on this new med. Now I can't get the italics off.... I am such a dumb butt. If any of you have family or friends that have dealt with A-FIB,  please share with me how they have done.

i finally feel more normal after the family weekend.  Boy, no one warned me how difficult it could be.  It was the first time I had been with Meredith and Jeremy without Jason.  For 67 years, I was a Mom to three..... now it is only two.  I was a complete nervous wreck until I knew Meredith and her family had made the 756 miles safely home.  Wait....I have been a Mom for only 45 years....now I can't add and substrate either.  

Sometimes, I will be doing something and out of the blue, I suddenly think I "see" Jason.  Is this normal grief; or am I hallucinating?  Or I think I hear him say something.  Or a very special memory of him saying or doing something will take over my thought process.  

You beautiful folks who have made it through years........how in the hell did you do it?Because right now, I wonder if I will make it through these next 15 minutes.

xxoo margarett 

[Missing my little man]

Today i went to visit my little man, and i just wnated nothing more to to lay beside him. I ask him where am going to to look so i can see him again. In this this lifetime i feel as if I've been robbed so many times over. First from the father of my baby, he wanted me to get an abortion within 30 minutes of hearing about my pregnancy. Than my own mother wanted me to gift my baby to my brother when she knows full well that they were not good parent to their son. I had to fight soo hard to keep my baby. This is above all the worse of thing that is to happened in a person's life.

[My girl is in heaven]

Missing my little man.  This is absolutely the worst thing that can happen to anyone for sure.  My psychiatrist said there was a big study done by all kinds of drs, social work, counsellors, to gage what things in life were the most difficult to handle like, divorce, financial, etc. And he said loss of a child topped the list and nothing else even come close.  That’s why when more bad things happen to us , really we can handle cause we have already handled the worst. From the moment you knew you were pregnant you protected and loved your little guy.  And you should be proud of yourself for that. You have fought so many battles. And with each one, you are just a little bit stronger for it.   You will get little signs, a little sprinkle of something now and then from your boy.  You may not notice them at first but as time goes on you will be more open and in tune to them.  Look, listen, feel,  your little man is all around you.  Hugs .  Luanne

Margee.  Hope the new meds work.  There is nothing wrong with your thought process.  I think especially at the beginning we yearn for them so much we aren’t even sure what we are hearing, seeing or thinking.  You got thru the first time being with Meredith and Jeremey without your Jason.  I remember my two boys being around, but like you I had three, they were a set, I so wanted them all there again.  You will always feel that hole there but in time it doesn’t feel quite as big as it does now.  Try not to think how will I live this for the rest of my life right now.  Don’t think ahead very far.  Just concentrate on the day, the hour, or just this minute right now.  It is way to overwhelming in the beginning to look too far ahead into the future.  But be assured there is a future with hope, life and happiness waiting for you.  Hugs. 

Peggy, you go ahead dear, you go on and on, talk, and blah, blah as much as you want.  We need to get our thoughts and feelings out and no one will understand except those  on this path.  I’m retired so I got all the time in the world to listen and as I’m sure you notice, I talk to much.  Keep coming back, your voice is cherished here.

 

Luanne.... Kira’s mama

 

 

[Tinay]

Hi everyone. It's been a while since I've posted. I do read though. I'm ok. One day at a time. I've stopped looking at the calendar for how many days. I've written it on there...ugh. It will be 18 months since my Kiona passed on the 21st of this month. It's not any easier. A childhood friend visited me last weekend and he grieved with me and let me grieve my own way. No suggestions or "advise" like I get from a different male friend. Was a refreshing break. 

I received a call the other day from the police in the town my daughter was attending tech. I started to have a panic attack looking at caller ID on my phone.  Grayson was with his dad and in a different town then the detective calling was from. My mind was reeling on why and what.  I almost didn't answer  it was the detective from her case. He wanted to know what if anything I wanted back that they took into evidence. I asked for everything of hers. He made a comment to prepare me that non of it was cleaned. I said it was ok, I'll clean it. Now I sit and wait for it to arrive. Not sure if I'll open the box right away and wash the clothes or just let it sit for a while. I still have her things in the suit cases she had them in and tubs they were given to me in. All clothes. Just letting them sit there. I don't have room in my apartment to disburse into closets. That's ok though. I have opened a couple of suit cases here and there as well as gone through a tub. 

Im thinking of adding to my memorial tattoo but will probably have to wait. Maybe on her angel date. I think I want to add something that signifies my son as well. 

Grayson seems to be doing ok. Last time I grieved...more like cried when he was home, he heard my music start, came gave me a hug and went for a drive. That's ok. He didn't need to be around for that intense situation. 

Well, I've rambled enough. Peace and love to all

Tina

[My girl is in heaven]

KJs mommy.  How are you doing today.  Any word on a job transfer.  I think that would be good to start fresh with something.  I know right now you will feel the weight of Monday’s, for me it was warm, sunny, Sunday mornings.  Or when the first signs of summer start.  But after awhile all the days will blend in together, along with months and years and before you know it , it will be one , two, three, years down the road and you will wonder how you made it this far without your little one, but you will friend, you will.  Hugs.

Kristen.  I too live with the worries of what health problems by boys may have since Kira died.  I’ve never heard about any of Kira’s results, I know they took samples for genetics though.  But mostly now, I just kinda live in the day.  Cause thinking about what might lie ahead is just too overwhelming.  I guess cause after what we’ve been thru we know more than most there are no guarantees.  Hope Summer is enjoying her new school year. 

 

Luanne....Kira’s mama

[Mumtogeorge]

Hi everyone..i havent posted in a while but i read daily your comments and i feel for each and everyone of you. Its 6 months today since my world was shattered by two idiots who thought it would be fun to race and cost the lives of my boy and his friend.

Today has been horrendous..i feel ihave gone right back over...i cant pull myself out of it..i cant bear this rollercoaster..no one can give a time when it will be bearable and that scares me. All i can think of is why us...a whole town full.of kids and it had to be ours? We are good honest people as was our beautiful boy..there are people who are downright evil and bad and they get to carry on..im so so angry and it frightens me. 

[My girl is in heaven]

Tina.  It’s so nice to hear from you.  When the police called me it was a couple years later and they had her cell phone.  I thought I would be ok picking it up but as soon as I saw the policeman standing there with it in his hand, I broke down , so he had me come sit for a minute.  I just dealt with Kira’s belongings these past few months, and it has been seven years.  My new psychiatrist told me I need to deal with them as seven years was far too long to hold onto them.  After keeping a few things I donated the rest to good will.  I cried but took the little bit of comfort that lots of girls in need would be happy with her things. Glad to hear Grayson is doing ok.  What grade is he in or is he done high school.  Hugs

 

Luanne..... Kira’s mama

 

[peggy a sad mom]

dee and louanne thanks for being there!

[Missing my little man]

Thank you my girl I've been working on being on here more often than not. I feel like we are a family each one is a beautifully crafted piece of art.

[My girl is in heaven]

Mumtogeorge. I too used to ask, and after seven years, sometimes still do, out of those thousands of kids in that high school, why did it have to be my girl. My very healthy, no complaints of anything hurting, good eater, very athletic the most happy going good kid and everybody loved her. Why us.  But u can look in every corner of the world, and i think I have, and you will never find the answer.  I think it falls under the category  of life’s just not fair. And I wish I could give you a time.  There actually is no time when you totally get over it like the rest of the world thinks. I wish I could fast forward thru all the gunk for you, bring you to the day when a little pin hole of light will poke thru,  grief will loosen its steely tight grip just a little, a time where you actually smile for the first time, and for me I actually grabbed my mouth feeling it was so disrespectful to my daughter to smile again.  I tried every way to dodge grief, side step it, drowned it out with pills, for 6 1/2 years and guess what,  no matter what I did it was still right there waiting for me.  Saying deal with me..so what you are doing is good, you are marching right thru the middle of grief.  Cause that is the only way it can be done , a lot of hard work, but it will lead to some sunshine on your face again with a little hope and happiness  thrown in there.  You may feel u have gone right back there, sliding off into the pit. But remember child loss is the deepest pit u can ever fall into.  So the ground won’t shift and take u down any further.  So you have no choice, u gotta crawl back out. And every time u do, you are a little stronger than the time before. It’s still so new and fresh for you.  Try not to think about when things might be better.  For none of us can put a date on it for you,  it’s just a Slow gradual process that may not even recognize at first being so subtle.  But the sun will shine again for you, it really well my friend.  

 

Luanne....Kira’s mama

[Mumtogeorge]

Thanks for taking the time Luanne to.reply..i can only hope that time will ease this horrific pain..i feel.what is the point but i know i have to go on for my other two but it truly is hurting so much. I feel people expect us to be "ok" as one friend put it...."good you are back.at work.and now accepting it"..what?? We dont have a choice.. i feel people think we should be "back to normal"..whatever normal is now..it pains me just to go the supermarket as i see the stuff i would of got for George or even the garage where  i would of grabbed us all.a choc bar! Everywhere i go...everything i do.is a reminder hes not here! He was 17 and mostly out with friends in his free time but i miss hearing the gate go as he came in..his cheery hi...his grumpy morning face...just everything. His sister and brother are doing great..i think..his dad ok...but i seem to be stuck in a dark.place sadly x 

Seven years since you lost your darling girl..and you still come here and help others..wow what a lovely lady xx

[KJs Mommy Always]

Missing my little man,

I’m not sure how old your baby boy was when you lost him, or how you lost him but I also lost my son at 6.5 months old. He died on 18 June of this year. Only 3 days after my birthday. He’d be 9 months if he were still alive. Every day is a struggle. Most days are unbearable. I still haven’t received a cause of death for my son, because the autopsy didn’t show a cause of death. 

[My girl is in heaven]

Mum to George.  My girl was 17 too. Our kids never even got to see thier  high school graduation. And yes every one of thier favourite foods , places, sites jump right out at us like they never have before.  But now instead of that punch to the gut when I’m in the grocery store, I stop and pat the lid of a jar of Nutella (a toast spread I’m not sure you have there).  And I give a thumbs up to the lightly salted or salt and vinegar chips.  I don’t let those things have any power over me anymore.  Our kids are doing thier angel thing in heaven and have no need or desire for thier earthly pleasures.  So let all those triggers go and know our angels are soaring to the highest of gods heavens together.  Hugs to you.  Luanne

 

Luanne...Kira’s mama

[Somersky]

Luanne....so true... Skylar would put siracha on everything. I loved it too but would be saddened to have it in the house. Now I think of him when I use it.... I know he’s laughing at me because he got me used to the spice. I sure miss Summer... it’s so quiet in the house ..my heart is heavy!!!! I am scared but try not to think about it... just try to deal with things one day at a time. Xo

[My girl is in heaven]

I love quotes and poems.  Thought I would share and hopefully help some of you on this painful journey. 

 

There is this place called Heaven, where the good here unfinished is completed; where the stories unwritten and hopes unfulfilled are continued.  We may laugh together yet.  

Life goes on whether we choose to move on and take a chance in the unknown, or stay behind locked in the past, thinking of what could have been. 

One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change.

 

take care all.... tomorrow is new week, another chance to take even a baby step forward in this journey.  Hugs.

 

Luanne..... Kira’s mama

 

[Missing my little man]

Thanks k j's mom your baby is beautiful. Than again each and everyone of our babies are beautiful in their own way. My son was only 15th mons. Ive have not gotten the official report either, and it's doubly hard. My little man was perfect in every way possible. The pregnancy was a breeze. Every and each ultrasound was super excited, and fun the tech keep telling me that my baby is in good health. I didn't have any morning sickness at all. The birth was not long either.

[KJs Mommy Always]

Missing my little man,

Thanks. Absolutely, all of our babies are beautiful; they were and still are loved. A mother’s love surpasses all understanding. I like you, had an easy pregnancy, and about a 5.5 hour natural birth. I felt each and every pain and endured it until he came into this world. I had 3 daughters until he came. The only boy. When I think of a date in the past, I always associate it with whether it was a date before or after my son died. I haven’t been happy since June 17th, the day before he passed. Father’s Day. I got pregnant less than 2 months after he died but the pain and anxiety of not having him was so unbearable, and I ended up miscarrying. I’ve never had a miscarriage until then. I’m still new in his heartbreaking journey like you are. I still can’t believe it. One thing I’ve learned is to appreciate the good moments and to hang on to them for dear life because they’ve helped get me through. I’ve also learned to trust in God because he knows my life better than I do. He’s in control. I know that, but most days are unbearable. I never knew that I loved someone so much in my life. That pain I feel let’s me know that I was a good mother and that I loved him with everything in me, and that he was and continues to be my everything. Whenever you want to chat please don’t hesitate. Hold on to those good moments of your baby, and try not to let the bad ones hold you down. 

[My girl is in heaven]

[My girl is in heaven]

[My girl is in heaven]

[daveydow1]

HELLO   TO   ALL  INDIGOS.   Sometimes I have trouble getting on here,

but I suspect that it is the fault of my older computer.

Thinking of all of you  and wishing you peace and comfort on this journey

that no parent ever wants to be on.  It's a rough road, and I pray that

you will keep coming to this site, and share with others, who understand.

Sharing the grief can somehow lighten the load a bit.

    PEACE   TO  EVERYONE.

[Missing my little man]

Thanks k J mommy you are right i will be keeping the good memory of my little man with me always until the day i see him again. 

[Missing my little man]

I feel your pain KJ mommy you've lost two babies. You are soo strong. I only lost one i felt the pain shot through me like a bullet. The day the nurse told me that my sweet baby was not gonna wake up i felt my whole body went limp there was 5 nurses standing near me but i couldn't see any of them.

[Rebekahs mom]

Hello...i too am reading but not really posting. It will be 9months on monday since our rebekah died. Still feels like a dream and she will call me any minute...and at the same time feels like i cant remember her voice and its been a lifetime without her. Still have no answers for cause of death...tox report still pending. 

I go back to work next week as well. Excited and nervous.

Sarah

[ericasmom]

To All of you Moms and Dads, I have been in your shoes, they are not fun shoes to be in...but you will one day wear them and take steps in them with more ease. Its been 15 years now, and no matter what, the only way through grief is as Luanne said: Right through the middle of it. Facing it each day in all you do and all you have to do. Life never goes back to how it was, how could it when a major piece of our lives has been moved off this plane...and so we work very hard to find a purpose and motivation to continue on, and it takes a long long time, but do take heart, it does happen...it is a lot of work and it will be exhausting but I figure that the most important work in our lives is always exhausting. It will become a new world, you will bump into things as you adjust, there is nothing easy about it...but it is definitely worth doing. It is a choice, even though we had no choice in the outcomes, living well again one day is a choice. I think the choice our Angels would have us make is to find your new life.

Luanne, you are handling the whole site with such grace, thank you. I have been super busy in school and have precious little time right now. Peace.

[ericasmom]

What a quiet day here, I do so hope that everyone is as good as you can be.

Sending hope.

[NiquesMom]

Hating the world today. My friend told me his girlfriend is pregnant.  They can't afford the  2 kids they have,  weren't trying (but not using protection),  stressed about what to do.  And here I have lost 3 babies to miscarriages,  my daughter died last December.  And he isn't even trying.  Not fair,  not fair, not fair, not fair. I feel like I was always meant to have more children but is just not meant for me.  Took us  6 years to get pregnant with Kyle.  Hate everyone who can just pop out kids without even trying. 

[Missing my little man]

I know niques sometimes i just want to hide myself from the world no come out for awhile.  When i see pregnant women it makes me soo sad.

[My girl is in heaven]

Virginia.  That’s ok to hate the world, we have every right to, but don’t stay stuck in your hatred.  Or it won’t allow you to move forward and find some peace.  And I hear you about the not fair thing.  I was a complete paranoid freak in worrying and protecting my kids. I thought I had everything covered.  But totally didn’t have any radar up when I had three kids upstairs sleeping on a sunny Sunday morning and then find one gone in the bath tub.  And yeah I see little kids wandering around the streets, way to young to be on thier own.  And some have a whole bunch of kids, and don’t give a rats ass about looking after them.  But search every corner of the world and we will never get those answers. But some day we might understand.  So go ahead and punch something (that won’t hurt you), go somewhere and scream at the top of your lungs, that’s what you need to do going thru your grief.  But then pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and keep going girl.  Kyle is a true gem, hold onto that. Hugs Luanne 

 

Luanne,   Kira’s mama

[My girl is in heaven]

Missing my little man.  Crawl in a hole if you have to once in awhile, but don’t stay there.  Cause when your in a hole there is no way to feel those little bits of sunshine that eventually start poking thru. And they will be there dear friend.  As time goes on you are more open to receive them. I love what you said about us being “a beautifully crafted piece of art”. We truly are.  Keep going.  Hugs

KJS mommy.  Have you been able to get a job transfer yet.  I know right now things like Monday’s will pull you down.  For me it was Sunday mornings.  But rest assured that as time goes on the days, months, years get all blurred and blended into one and you will always have that tug on your heart but you will let go of the Monday thing.  Every day is a day without our child.  Let us know how this week has been going for you. 

 

Luanne....Kira’s mama

[Missing my little man]

Thanks my girl hugs for you as well.

[Cheryl, Tony's Mom]

Hello everyone!!

I have missed you all!  I think of this group everyday and pray for all of you.  To all the new members of this group that no one should EVER be  a member, I am very sorry for the loss of your precious babies.  You have come to a comfortable place to share your feelings. 

So much has happened since I last posted here.  Seems like I am always losing someone.  I don't get to see Tony's children unless someone post on facebook or instagram.  DIVIDED WE FALL, My family has FALLEN.  

I so want to be a comfort to you all, but LIFE just seems to keep taking, never giving me a break.  The good thing in all of this mess, I am still here.  The mind is a DARK place.  Hopelessness is terrible, but each day we all rise.  We comfort each other, we remember our children in so many ways.  They lived, love, and laughed.  Please remember that everyday.  That alone is enough to keep us going.  I wish I was a wordsmith. 

Please remember you all help!  Talking about our children, our grandchildren, our jobs, our very existence....helps someone.  Even in tragedy we help someone feel a little better. Just knowing there is someone out there that knows your thoughts, pain, sorrow, grief and love...helps!

  My other son has two children and they keep me sane.  My Princess Aria is 10.5 months old now.  She smiles so brightly when she see me. My grandson Colby just started playing flag football last Saturday.  His uncle Tony would have been so proud of him.  He told me, "MeMe, uncle Tony told me last night to make sure I got a flag and I did".  MeMe did you see uncle Tony when I pulled that boys flag.  He said, Good job nephew!!!  I looked around the field and guess what, there he was for a brief second.  He talks about his uncle Tony all the time.  It is actually scary at times, because he was only 2 1/2 when Tony went away.  This was Tony's only nephew and he spent a lot of time with him in those 2.5 years.  He loved his Nephew....that is what he called him all the time..NEPHEWWWW !.  Tony didn't get to meet his niece on this side, but every since she was born, she always would look up.  I really thought something was the matter with her eyes.  The nurse in me noticed her eyes were always looking up and never at you.  When she see his picture, she smiles and reaches for it as if she knows... GOD has a way, is all I will say.  

Well as always thanks for being here. 

This is Colby, Tony's Nephew

Cheryl, Tony's mom

[Cheryl, Tony's Mom]

Tony's son, Joshua and daughter Miranda,

Tony's little brother, Omari

The last one is my Tony, doing what he loved coaching his team

 

[Cheryl, Tony's Mom]

Just one more

Princess Aria

Tony's niece

[My girl is in heaven]

Cheryl.   Thank you for sharing all those beautiful dolly pictures.So precious.  And your right the good thing is that you r still here. That’s so nice the little ones can hear, see, sense tony.  I have heard other stories of people who say children have had similar experience.  Suck up all those precious kids and take in every little bit of joy you get from them.  They will sustain you in the stormy weather this journey takes us on.  Keep posting and let us know how things are going.  No matter how many times we fall down, we will rise again.  Hugs to you. Hope u r not near the hurricane. 

Margee....how is the afib.  Have you seen Meredith and Jeremy again.  Each time it will feel a little better, but I know,  I had  three as welll and that hole will always be there.  Give us an update where your at right now.

peggy...where are you...how’s it going.  We are getting near hockey season so are you a New York rangers fan or an islanders fan?  Give us a post and update.  Keep talking, that’s how we get thru.  Hugs.  

Donna Marie, Stephanie, Bea, ..what’s up with you guys...keep talking it out...get it all out.  Remember deal with and go thru....no side stepping.  

 

Luanne.....Kira’s mama

 

[ericasmom]

Cheryl, what beautiful smiles run in your family...wow! Gorgeous children from both of your Boys. Is that you with a Grandboy? Sweeties, and yes, they keep you going and we keep finding ways because we must, it is our daily job to find our way even in the fog of grief. You keep on keepin on Cheryl...

Virginia, there are so many things that simply are not fair, and I am sorry for you today because those things feel like they are slapping you in the face, but try to let it go...we know unfair things happen. Don't lose a friend over it.

[NiquesMom]

I went in a Family Dollar today (store where my daughter worked back in Colorado). Hadn't been in one since January,  too hard.  But went in one today,  and my son says "didn't sissy work at this store?" Made me happy he remembered,  but incredibly sad too.

[PieceofCate]

Hello! I’ve had a rough few weeks. I wonder if anyone has consulted a psychic Medium? I spent almost $100 on an instant chat with one but I’m talking about the ones who DON’T charge by the minute and you have to wait a little. I’m consumed with questions and it’s so tempting to just try to answer a few. It’s been almost 5 months and I can still see the scorched earth when I have to drive by there. I put myself in that car with her and imagine how terrified she was. It has only gotten worse. So has the pain and the longing. A side effect of reality setting in I suppose. I want to talk to her. 

[NiquesMom]

Missy, my SIL is able to speak with nique,  so I have had all my questions answered.  I know there are people with abilities,  just be careful because there are a lot of fakes out there. 

[MiasMommyForever]

I'm here late at night as always, missing my girl. Today, 3 years ago, we found out she had cancer. How a small trip to the doctor for a tummy ache ended up in the children's hospital for a month still blows my mind. We almost fought 2 years.. but is it wrong that id rather go back to sept 16, 2015 and relive the cancer nightmare and treatments and long stays just to have my girl back?? I'd rather have that stress, because she was such a fighter, such a happy girl with zero pain or suffering until the very last month, I'd rather just have her beside me. So selfish, but I feel so so so enpty and sad. She lit up my life, my heart. We shared so much, so many conversations i think about daily and u were only 5. I wish i could have shared my life with you. I wish i could have experienced u longer. I miss u Mimi. I wish u were here to do girly things with me. I wish u were here to bake cookies or make tortillas with me. I say it everytime I cry,  its been almost 16 months since u left, but I'll never be happy again. Please visit me in my dreams. I love everyone here, and keep u in my prayers. 

[My girl is in heaven]

Piece of Cate.  I had thought once about a psychic and then decided no. I’ve heard good comments and bad from others.  As time goes on you will be more open and in tune and you will get those signs from your Cate.  They are there, but right now you are panicked and so desperate to hear your sweet girls voice to experience them.  Shock is giving way to reality now. And as painful as it is, these are steps you must take as you go thru your grief, remember March thru the middle of it, no side stepping. If you don’t have to, don’t drive by that spot of the road.  I know I too wondered  what was Kira’s last thoughts, even though she just collapsed in the tub.  I would only have baths and wash my hair in the sink.  Cause to stand in the shower was to difficult to image what her last moments were like.  But we needn’t torture ourselves with these thoughts, both our girls were gone quickly and did not linger and suffer and that’s all we need to know.  I got to a moment of acceptance when I realized I had bargained with god over and over to bring her back and it wasn’t going to happen.  So when I get to that place, only rarely now, where I panic to get her back, I gently remind myself there is no more bargaining.  It is just what it is.  If you do talk to a pshyic just don’t go back a lot and spend a lot of your money. Your Cate will talk to you, sprinkle a little of this and that there for you. Good luck with whatever you decide.  Let us know how it goes.  Hugs

 

Luanne.....Kira’s mama

[NiquesMom]

So today is rough. My mom died 19 years ago Today. I am feeling my grief compounded right now,  missing everyone that is gone. My aunt put on facebook how she is "heartbroken" because her son moved to Texas.  I wanted to scream at her she has no idea what heartbroken means.  If only i could be sad because nique was in another state and i can only see her a few times a year.  What a luxury she has to call that heartbroken. 

I wish I could hide inside,  not have to go to work,  be a wife or mother right now. Guess i still hate the world.  Pray for me to snap out of it soon. 

[Bea8924]

I have been away for a while. Simply because I have joined support groups near me and attended in person. But thus is the first pkace I came for help sobi thought to come here first. I received my daughters cauae of death today. Took 4 months and 2 days they said it was 'Lymphocytis myocarbitas'...they put it down as natural causes. I still need to read up on the topic more to understand but having the result has changed nothing. Shes still gone. I'm still sad and broken.

[donnamaria]

Its been awhile since i posted my heartaches every day for Victor it has been 3 months since he passed i take it minute by minute thats all i can do i have to call and see if the autopsy is ready one day i will and find out why my son is no longer here i still go to the  cemetary everyday read the bible out loud like i did when he was here for our daily bible studies write to him every day in a journal as you guys know me and victor big minnesota vikings fans so i put on the game put my gear on his helmet on his desk and put on the game i post on his fb wall about the game and we watch me here him in heaven we loved to watch boxing ufc wrestling so i watch them when victor was here him and his best friend would text back and forth about boxing wrestling ufc he messaged me the other day and asked if i watched it was good to hear from him i think that was Victor putting us together because he knows how much we both love and miss him i still have many days where i break down and cry the guilt the what ifs the asking victor to forgive me for not staying in the room with him i worry about him being alone and scared thinking i had left the hospital i dont know why the lady who called the break room said the wrong name or why she just didnt ask for a family member of victor i dont know if i could of saved him but i could of been there to hold his hand how and why he died i will not know till i get the autopsy i have been out to lunch a couple times with my sister and friends they listen to me which is good i enjoy seeing the pictures of everyones loved ones how beautiful all our children are here are pictures me and victor rocking our horns and one of victor looking up to Heaven he loved these pictures hugs to all

[Cheryl, Tony's Mom]

PieceofCate, your daughter was a beautiful young lady. Her smile really lights of the room. Grief is a witch!!  I will remember you my prayers.  You are so new on this journey.  Emotions will change minute to minute.

Dee,  thank you. Yes that is my precious grandson, Colby.  I will do my best to keep on keeping on:)

Luanne,  Thank you very much.  Hurricane Florence brought a lot of rain my way.  I have lots of trees, I asked GOD to please not let any trees hit my house.  I only had some limbs come down.   No lost of power.  I am Blessed.

 

 

[Barbee61]

My son passed away 3 weeks ago, he lived out of state so I have been away from home until today. I brought a lot of his things home with me and I've cried most of the day.  I do not want to go in my bedroom and sleep tonight, I don't no why because there is no reason why except that is usually when he would text me after I'd gone to bed, he worked late and would send me something silly or just say hi on his break. I hurt so much today...I don't no if I will survive this pain. 

[My girl is in heaven]

Barbee.  I am so sorry for the loss of your precious boy.  It is so new and raw for you. Just breathing, eating, sleeping.  Every thing will be difficult for you right now.  We all need to march right thru the middle of grief to get to an acceptance one day,  albeit a sad acceptance.  Don’t look too far ahead right now. If you don’t think u can handle a day, then take the next hour or even the next minute reading this post.  Your son is there, ever present and as time goes on you will be more open to receive the little things he sprinkles down on you.  If there were a fast forward button I could press for you my friend, I would.  And you may find that everyone who is there for you now, will eventually drop off.  But know you never have to walk this journey alone, because all of us here are standing in your shoes.  We will hold your hands, cradle your broken heart, and as much as you don’t think right now you will,  you will survive.  Just handle your sons belongs or affairs a little at a time, in moments when u feel you have a little bit of strength.  No need to rush yourself.  A thin scab will form over your broken heart and there will always be something that tugs at it.  But it will heal , never the same, but still healing.  My email is ltaylor50@rogers.com.  If you want to email me or I can even give you a call if you want to chat.  Whatever you need. When your ready tell us about your precious boy.  Hugs.  

 

Luanne....Kira’s mama

[My girl is in heaven]

Cheryl...so glad you escaped the hurricane.

 

Donna  Marie.  Beautiful pictures of you and Victor. Please dear, you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.  You were the most loving attentive mother I every heard of, by your sons side day and night, thru good times and bad.  Victor knew you were there. He slipped away when god called his name and did so knowing how much his mom loved him.  It does not matter whether we are physically there with our child when they passed away.  Let yourself be free of that now, Victor would not want you carrying that burden anymore.  And yes he put you in touch with his friend, two people he loved so dearly and wants them to share thier stories of him.  I believe our children put us all in touch here to take turns holding the lantern for each other.  Now you put that Vikings helmet on and cheer loud and proud for your team....cause you know Victor is.  Be gentle with yourself Donna Marie.  

 

Luanne...Kira’s mama

 

[My girl is in heaven]

Yes Bea.  You are right, no matter what the cause, it is the same result.  And you know that it didn’t matter how fast you got her to the hospital there was nothing you could have done.  That little bit of information is called a crumb or a sliver, cause that’s all us grieving parents get, so hold on to that.  As time goes on those little bits we get or so important, cause we will never get the whole back. In time the reason won’t hold quite as much weight as it does now.  So glad you have found support groups, but we are always here for you.  Hugs

 

Luanne....Kira’s mama 

[My girl is in heaven]

Virgina.  If anyone has a right to be mad at the world, it is a grieving parent.  I don’t have any of my friends and family left from 7 years ago because like you it mad me sick to my stomach to hear them complain about the minor little inconveniences they have when I don’t have my daughter.  Cut them free, don’t let them upset you anymore. There are too many other people who really care and won’t hurt you with thier ignorance.  Don’t let grief hardened your heart, let it be free and cling to those who support you. How is Kyle liking his school year so far.  That was so courageous of you to make that move.  And its ok to not want to be there for everybody sometimes.  Give yourself some you time when u can get it.  They will survive, while you take a much needed break.  Take care

 

Luanne....Kira’s mama