Loss of an Adult Child

[My girl is in heaven]

Missing my little man.....I can tell you donating that gift will make your heart feel a little lighter...it will be hard for sure,  but you are giving back, when most would still be lashing out at the world.  That takes a lot of courage to give of yourself when you yourself have had so much taken from you.  What are u up to in your day to day life.  Holidays are hard, but you are not facing no them alone.  

 

Hugs.....Luanne...Kira’s mama

[My girl is in heaven]

Virgina...I am 7 years in and still pause and sometimes cry walking by all the stores Kira loved.  Still the odd time finding myself, saying oh I gotta buy that for Kira. Aritzia and Forever 21 had just come to Canada and she was excited.   You are getting close to Niques one year angel date and the days will start to weigh on you.  The days leading up are usually harder then the day itself.  Try to let the thoughts of your froggy sign from Nique filter thru all the other painful memories.  Because that one lets you know your girl is ok where she is and is letting her mama know it.

 

Hugs..Luanne.....Kira’s mama

[My girl is in heaven]

 Kristen...so will you be staying in B C.  That’s good if you have a connection with  your mom and to be closer to her.  You know I could not get my head back into my job either after Kira died.  I beat myself up at the time,but really we are not the same people we were before. ....but the rest of the “normal” world will never understand that, so I don’t bother trying to explain it to anyone anymore.  I just know Kira and Skylar are playing basketball together....they both had such a passion for it.  Is summer still enjoying university.  Will she be home for Christmas.

 

Your fellow Canadian friend....Lou...Kira’s mama

 

 

 

[My girl is in heaven]

Devianez...do you have a court date yet.  Can’t believe it has dragged out this long.  Even though we know asgrieving moms there is no such thing as closure, it is still a big part that needs to be put behind you.  Let us know how you are doing.

 

Hugs....Luanne....Kira’s mama

[peggy a sad mom]

hi luann thank's for commenting. i know i always feel good when someone answers me. yes it's a hard day 10 months i just can't believe it. i cannot believe i survived ten months on this earth without him. but!!! i am on meds don't want to even imagine life without them. most of the time i make it through work i guess i'm too busy thinking about how much i hate it there. i walk on my lunch and get upset on my way home. i am working on a early retirement my husband doesn't like the idea but like i told my sister it will be SURPRISE i'm home! so i am hoping for maybe april. everything is just so hard but we all know that. 

thanks for listening

peggy

[My girl is in heaven]

KJs mommy.   How are things going with the job...did you get a transfer.  Holding you near in my heart and prayers as you have thanksgiving this week and the holidays are tough.  But hold on here, we will walk each day together..one step, Day at a time.  Let us know how you are doing...

 

Mum to George...are you still reading, how are things going for you.  I hope you are just surrounding yourself with those people who you feel confident mfortable and safe with....and the boot to the others.  It took me many years to do that.  Let us know what’s going on in your life.  

 

Leah.  So nice the little ones could look up and see Jaboa .  I have heard of other cases where children can see and hear what we adults sometimes can’t.  They aren’t afraid and ate so open.how are all the kids doing.  Hold on as you get to your holiday this week...tough times for sure.

 

tina... haven’t heard from you in awhile, how’s the new  job.  How’s Graysons health.  You still living in the same place, hopefully you have quiet neighbours now.  Give us an update when you can. 

Piece of Cate, Bea, Deborah, and all you other grieving moms, let us know how your doing and please lean in to us, as the holidays are approaching.

Hugs.....Luanne....Kira’s mama

[Skay]

It's been a few weeks since I`ve been here. Yesterday was 5 months since I lost Trey and the up coming holiday season is really weighing on me. I am trying really hard to be positive for my daughter and everyone else. God I miss him!  I`ve been feeling guilty about things from the divorce ( Trey was 5 and Taylor 3.) Funny how you go back and try to relive every moment. I go through the what if's every stinking day. The past few days I can't get the picture of him lying the casket out of my head. I am so afraid of losing his scent in his room. I'm sure I`m rambling but it helps so much to let it out to people, who unfortunately, understands where I am.. It is so tiring putting on a happy face for everyone. Thank you for the responses to my last post.

[MargeeTx]

Hey Louanne:   Tes'we do get snow , usually not much and it is all gone in a couple of days.....a ew years ago, we got 10-12 inches...... tress down,no power, etc.  it was the weekend that Jerry played the. Super Bowl in the new stadiums.  We usually get more. Ice than a now. 

My typing sucks tonight.....will sen better in a few days.  I am really dreading the holiday.....guess I wii fake it  I make it,

 

XXOO margarett 

[My girl is in heaven]

[Ashleys Mom]

hi tommy's mum happy to see you. you were here when i first joined. tomorrow is 10 month's my son passed away. as sad and as hurt and broken hearted i have been i just didn't notice the depression till now. i hate my job very much i want to leave so bad but my husband keeps telling me to hold on a little longer. i don't cook i don't shop i clean only once in awhile when i have to. i just hate life how just tell me how in this universe we are expected to survive. i don't have other kids or any grandchildren which i'm glad for i would never want to put them through this. i do have brothers sisters nieces and nephews and friends who also miss my son so very much. my sister and my friend have called me every single day since this happened. i now find myself calling them and telling them i'm ok just going to bed ( at 530) in the evening. i don't want anyone to worry. i don't know how the holidays will be but i know i will have to show up everywhere we have plans. i will take my own car in case i can't make it through the day.
everybody thanks for reading we all know how we all feel. i am so sorry for all of us
peggy

I said the same thing about the holidays this is our first Thanksgiving with out Ashley n only the good lord can get us thru this horrible time.


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[Ashleys Mom]

Ashley's Mom, and all folks here, I haven't been on for a while, school is very busy and I am doing a lot of babysitting with the Grandkids, so combined, I am pooped. Ashley's Mom, I am so sorry for the loss of your Girl, and I know that now raising your Grandchild has got to be exhausting...nothing better for that child than to be iwth you but it also means that you haven't been able to grieve properly. You will need time and space to grieve, are there other family members who your Grandchild feel close to to give you some time, a night here, a day there, to just be alone with your grief? Can you go to therapy? I know that at the 6 month point in my grief, I both started on this site and went to therapy, both of which have helped me immensely. I lost my Girl when she 19. A train at a broken crossing hit her car...this was 15.5 years ago. I am sitting here telling you that you can do this, it will not always feel this horrendously and achingly terrible, but you need time in which to acknowledge this loss, adjust to this loss, and find your new footing. It takes time and like all things worthwhile, there is a process of which to travel. The process of grief is individual, but there are many similar phases we all go through. Trust your heart, and know that the guilt is natural but also must be worked on, you did not cause the accident. YOu would have never chosen this outcome. Be kind to the woman who raised Ashley and to the Grandmom of this little one. Be kind to you.

Thank you Erica’s mom I’m thankful for you and the encouragement that have to share.


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[ericasmom]

Pam, Trey's Mom, Ashley's Mom, and Luanne,  and Margee, life is not what it used to be but from the ashes will rise strength, it takes a long time, and even though you might not know it, you have already shown great strength...who but parents who lose a child can possibly be stronger? Did we want to be this strong? Did we ever want to find out what it means to deal with this? NO! but we have found out and know that even in your weakest moments, your strength has kept you moving from day one to now. Hitting those firsts is very difficult, and so take it as it comes. You can dodge out of old obligations and traditions if it does not feel right, you might start some new traditions in fact. Volunteering at a soup kitchen, or buying gifts for those who don't have gifts this holiday season, something that makes your heart feel good about your actions...it is important to feel good about whatever you choose to do and to let folks know that if they try to burden you with activities that don't feel right for you, you will have to step out. You get to make choices for YOU. It is hard on marriages when a spouse is no longer the same, but sometimes we have to throw our arms up and say, "I am dealing with enough right now and I cannot take on anymore." This is the hardest time in your lives, our lives, that first year of absolute ache and pain...it takes time to begin to build your new world, but it does happen and you will decide on waht and when you want to do things.

[Ashleys Mom]

Pam, Trey's Mom, Ashley's Mom, and Luanne,  and Margee, life is not what it used to be but from the ashes will rise strength, it takes a long time, and even though you might not know it, you have already shown great strength...who but parents who lose a child can possibly be stronger? Did we want to be this strong? Did we ever want to find out what it means to deal with this? NO! but we have found out and know that even in your weakest moments, your strength has kept you moving from day one to now. Hitting those firsts is very difficult, and so take it as it comes. You can dodge out of old obligations and traditions if it does not feel right, you might start some new traditions in fact. Volunteering at a soup kitchen, or buying gifts for those who don't have gifts this holiday season, something that makes your heart feel good about your actions...it is important to feel good about whatever you choose to do and to let folks know that if they try to burden you with activities that don't feel right for you, you will have to step out. You get to make choices for YOU. It is hard on marriages when a spouse is no longer the same, but sometimes we have to throw our arms up and say, "I am dealing with enough right now and I cannot take on anymore." This is the hardest time in your lives, our lives, that first year of absolute ache and pain...it takes time to begin to build your new world, but it does happen and you will decide on waht and when you want to do things.

You are such a inspiration maybe one day I’ll get there.


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[ericasmom]

Ashley and Erica are probably hanging out...I have been a Mom of an Angel for over 15 years, so believe me when I say, you will get to the point of feeling happy again, but it just isn't now. Now is just the MUST DO stuff, the take care of all the loose ends and try to be able to carry on with a job and to now take care of a Child...your plate is full, your heart is shattered and yet...and yet, there you stand each day figuring out how best to steer your day. Your Girl is giving thanks for you as you find your footing and you help her young one do the same. Folks like me, Luanne and Sherry and Sandy Lesley and many others stick around to help out those that find themselves in this place...and we hope to somehow let you know that if we could find our way, so will you...Hugs at this tender time. Talk to your Child, I still talk to Erica this many years later, just let her know you are needing some help. It's okay to need help.

Peace-

 

Pam, 10months is a long time. I know that these have been your hardest most brutal times. I am glad that you are figuring out an escape plan from work. You know what you need and you are finding ways to attain it. Good luck Kiddo.

 

[Tommy's mum]

Just a few thoughts on depression. Grief takes many forms and can take many years to come to terms with. Grief can also cause PTSD, depression, anxiety, OCD. anorexia, agoraphobia, oh the list goes on. Grief renders you numb and yet painfully aware at the same time and takes the joy out of life and its events. It definitely changes who you are and it is hard to get back on track and find happiness again. If you recognize yourself in several of these statements it may be worthwhile seeing your doctor and being monitored to see if you would benefit from getting some meds or extra support.

1 Not wanting to get out of bed or spending long periods of time in bed or going to bed early to make the day end quicker.

2 Not bothering to eat or just grabbing the easiest thing available, or stuffing your face with junk food to feed the internal pain that is actually grief.

3 Becoming very anxious about your other family members, panicking if they are late or becoming overly protective. (This will pass in time just recognize it and not let it smother relationships.)

4 Not feeling enjoyment in things that made you happy before ie hobbies that brought you feelings of accomplishment or satisfaction and self worth.

5 Hiding away from the world at home, not wanting to answer the phone/messages/emails/letters, cutting yourself off from everyone. (Also normal in the earlier stages you kind of need to hunker down and make some sense of what happened, but avoiding talking to people and shutting everyone out is not healthy.)

6 Feeling that everything requires a huge effort and feeling tired and drained, finding it hard to make decisions, no energy.

7 Wishing life was just over and you could be with your child even though you have other children/partner/family. ( very common feeling in early stages because you desperately miss them and are worried they are on their own. Wishing is very different from actually doing.)

8 feeling numb inside, that your normal emotions are blunted, things that would normally make you laugh or cry or experience emotions of any sort do not affect, you it is like you just don't care about anything, just going through the motions.

9 No desire to wash, groom, or dress up, wear make up, get your hair cut etc it is not worth the effort and seems pointless. No pride in your appearance any more.

10 Spending long periods of time doing nothing just gazing into space and thinking, the hours go by without anything much being achieved, or watching the clock wishing away the hours until bedtime.

11 Poor or interrupted sleep due to nightmares, overthinking the incident, waking frequently etc

12 No desire for intimacy with partner or not being able to demonstrate genuine affection for your children/family members/friends, you hug etc but feel nothing.

13 Not being able to leave your house, afraid of bumping into people you know, not wanting to be seen, shopping elsewhere where you are not known.

14 No desire to keep the house clean and tidy, laundry upto date etc, seems a waste of time, or being obsessively clean to make time go by and distract yourself from your thoughts.

15 Using alcohol or drugs to self medicate and blot out what has happened, avoid your feelings and emotions.

16 Feeling anger and resentment that this tragedy happened to your family. Experiencing rage and wanting to smash things. (Those feelings are normal, but acting on them out  of anger or being aggressive to others is not normal,)

17 Experiencing bursts of intense crying and mourning or being unable to cry at all.

18 Having triggers ie birthday, angel anniversary, Xmas etc that jolt you back into those feelings and that place you had been in before.

19 A don't care attitude about yourself or your safety, driving too fast, not wearing a seatbelt, putting yourself into potentially dangerous situations recklessly, drinking too much almost a subconscious decision to hurt or kill yourself "accidentally".

20 A deep desire to die to be alongside your spirit child because you cannot bear to be without them. (This is very common especially in the early days whilst you struggle to navigate and make sense of grief but is abnormal when you make a plan of action or attempt to carry it out. You MUST tell someone who can keep you safe until you are well enough to see that is not a good option)

Hope this is helpful. The holidays are a particularly difficult and emotionally stressful time and can make anyone more fragile and depressed. Do what you are able to do as well as you can, and allow others to help with shopping food prep cleaning etc. New traditions can be helpful because they are not associated with memories of your child. Giving to others by volunteering or donating or raising money for an organisation are really good ways to memorialise your child in a positive way. Each year will be different as you move along the grief path and you will be that little bit stronger that little bit more resilient each time. I buy a tree ornament for my son every year and donate to a homeless charity that is how I incorporate Tommy into our celebrations. We also drink a toast to him and other family members who have passed at our Xmas meal, after some tears we play family games which help restore emotions.

Please feel free to discuss what is helpful for your family, your traditions and memorialisation techniques because you may be helping someone who is despairing of how to get through the season.

I will be sending you all a silent hug this Turkey day 

 

 

 

 

 

[daveydow1]

Ashleysmom-----I am sorry for your loss of your dear daughter, Ashley.

This site is a good place to come to and share your grief.  Sometimes

when we are able to communicate with others who have also lost

a child/children,  it can lighten the load a bit.  I have been on here, along

with Dee, for over 15 years.  Everyone here understands the grief, pain,

and despair that comes with losing a dear child.  Please come back.

 

Margee-----Peggy......Yes, I agree.....it is natural to want to skip the holidays. They can

be so painful.  Time does soften the experience, somewhat, but for all of

us here, everything is different now. We can find some joy in the holidays,

but it has changed for us.  Peace to you.

 

Leslie----thanks for the quote.....so true.  Good to see your post.  I have

not been on as often, lately,  but it's always good to connect with everyone here.

 

Leah-----So glad to see your posts.  I'm sorry I missed JaBoa's birthday.  Yes....

I agree that the passage of time puts us in a 'time warp' of sorts, when we think

how old our darlings would be, but of course they will always be the age of when

they passed.  Wishing you good health and some happiness with the holidays

coming up. As you say,....sometimes we must count our blessings and just move

ahead one day at a time.  Peace,  dear friend.

 

onedayonemother-----The 2 yr. mark is especially painful,...as are the birthdays

and angel days, and holidays.  I hope you will keep coming back to this site.

Thanks for posting the pic of your daughter, Cynthia.  She is a beautiful young lady.

 

missingmylittleman------Thinking of you and sending prayers.  Be kind to yourself,

and take care of yourself.  It is difficult to do these necessary things,  I know.  Please

keep coming here, where there is a lot of understanding and caring.

 

WISHING   PEACE   AND   COMFORT  TO  ALL  INDIGOS.....ESPECIALLY DURING  THE 

HOLIDAYS.

Davey&Lisasmom,  sherry 

  

[ericasmom]

Good advice from Lesley Folks, she is quite on the button about reaching out for assistance if you need it...I went to therapy 6 months after losing Erica, and at the same time came here and met some amazing folks who helped me find my way. Sherry and I met here and communicate still. Kate and Leah came  several years later and have been on this long road for a long time, Gretchen and Dianne too, and Colleen and Georgina and many other wonderful parents who woke up to a new world, not one in which there seemed enough oxygen to breathe, all things were different including how we felt about all things. Understand that the love,that special love you have with that Child, does not die, it remains as solid as it ever was. It is forever in a time when you wonder what matters...that matters.

 

[MargeeTx]

Dearest Lesley:  you described my depression right on the mark.  And though I have some suicide thoughts, the rest of your post could have my name on it. We had a beautiful Thanksgiving at Jeremy 's.  I did ok until nat's Dad mentioned Jason in the blessing.  Mike was holding my hand and he said my hand went completely cold.  But I was ok.   A-FIB acted up all day,but thank goodness I didn't do the passout deal.  We were both tired when we got home.  My grandson's are so prescious and such joy to be around.   

We have enough food to last a month!   We froze a lot of it, so Christmas is basically cooked. I am still debating whether to put up a tree.   My A-FIB makes me feel as if I have run a marathon....but, if I take it really slow,I think I can handle it.  And mike told me that I didn't have to wash the windows and do all the cleaning I usually do before the tree goes up. Change is hard.

i wish that all you have a bit of quiet peace for the Thanksgiving.

xxoo margarett 

 

 

 

[NiquesMom]

I made it through thanksgiving. My husband and son put niques photo on the table,  and  we talked about what she would have liked and not liked about the food we had. What hurt was that none of my family mentioned her,  asked me if I was ok,  they just forgot about her. 

[peggy a sad mom]

same happened to me virginia i could see my family's hurt in their faces but no one mentioned him at all. we were all at my brothers house. i know they all miss him maybe someday we will be able to talk about him without someone losing it. but for now he is just with me. my brother just sent a message to us all telling us to come over for left overs everyone is going but me. i was up all night i just want to take a shower and go to bed. this would have never happened in the past not me or my son would pass up a chance to be with my family. now everything just hurts too much.well me too reading the 20 ways you know you are depressed well guess what i'm depressed. but reading that i have to say it's just about all of us. today with all the christmas music on at work i said omg i'm not gonna make another month. i was thinking that it is just bad enough losing a child but with that music i just feel like we are being punished more.. its not fair!!!

thanks

peggy

[MargeeTx]

Hey everyone:  are you all still in turkey overload??? I know I am.

i have to share a horrific but funny thing that happened to me this morning.  I went to the kitchen, got my coffee, walked back to my bedroom...oh and I let the little dogs out.... anyway, I have a wicker chair that has been in my bedroom for 1000years.  Somehow I wrapped my left little toe around the chair leg, and I went flying.  Hot coffee goes everywhere.   ..... all over the bed, the TV, the walls, the ceiling.... you get the picture.  All mike heard was "oh ****...." and he comes running.  He disintangled the chair leg from between my toes and we assesssed no broken anything else.  Grant you, my left foot hurts like you would'nt believe.  And since I am on the blood thinners, my foot and lower leg is blackly bruised. What a way to wake up, huh?  And, I never just fall....I crash...one time I fell in the kitchen and fractured my pelvis in 9 places. 

The best thing about today...... ALABAMA beat the mortal crap out of AUBURN.   ROLL TIDE.

PS:   Mike is redoing my bedroom tomorrow and I get a new comforter.  Gonna wait until the sales in January.

xxoo margarett 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Somersky]

I am starting to feel the holiday season approach... along with that pit in the solar plexus. It’s so hard.... I just had to include one of skylars last pictures at Christmas  ... it hurts so much. The stocking that was skylars was the stocking his dad was brought home in the hospital in... it was very special to Skylar (Dave was born in the Bay area.. Alameda)

Louanne... Skylar and Kira have found each other I know... I’m pretty sure they have guided us to this forum for strength and encouragement. It’s really difficult living in this house ... the difficult memories outweigh the memorable positive memories. Summer is LOVING Western.. London has a ton of snow and -12 degrees but she isn’t complaining. I am glad she will be home. Louanne sounds like Kira passed from what Skylar had ... SADS (sudden arrhythmic death syndrome) no reason ..like I said before 50-60 young people in BC alone die every year and there is no known cause. It’s like SIDS but sadly we have all those formative years with our child ...

 

[ericasmom]

Margee, OW! I am pretty clumsy as far as when I fall, I really do  it big. I am sorry that you were hurt, my husband is on blood thinners and so I know it is something to watch when there is an injury. Feel better and enjoy the new set up in the refurbished bedroom.

Kirsten, Skylar looks beautiful in this photo, that sweet spirit just looks out at everyone, sending peaceful thoughts for all. I know you ache and hurt in ways taht are not described in any definitions of grief, but hang on Sweet Woman...

Lu, Kira and Skylar together makes me smile.

[NiquesMom]

My husband and son are setting up the Christmas tree. I tried to be out there,  but too hard so I am hiding in the bedroom with the dog.  I will be glad when the holidays are over. 

[Ashleys Mom]

My husband and son are setting up the Christmas tree. I tried to be out there,  but too hard so I am hiding in the bedroom with the dog.  I will be glad when the holidays are over. 

I totally understand I’m so sorry


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[NiquesMom]

My son handed me my daughters photo ornament and told me he was sorry I was sad and that he misses his sissy

[MargeeTx]

Hello everyone:   I 'think' I handled Thanksgiving fairly well.... only geared up during the blessing of our meal....then cried all the way home.  All I could think about:  Jason loved Thanksgiving and all the food.   Then Meredith reminded me of last year....he didn't show or call ....broke my heart.  

I have decided I am not taking the new heart medication.  The side effects alone would kill me faster than my A-FIB.  Guys....I hear all the nurses out there reminding me of what horrible patients are.  I see the cardiologist in a few weeks....he may fire me for noncompliance. 

I fell again Saturday morning....wrapped 2 little toes on left foot around a chair leg... now my entire foot and the bottom half of my left leg  

is black/ blue  thanks to the blood thinners. So I doing a lot of wobbling/hobbling and look like a idiot. I just feel old and crippled and I have always been a clumsy nut. 

I pray all made it thru this Thanksgiving.  Thinking of all.

xxoo margarett 

 

 

 

[Skay]

ericasmom, thank you so much for your words of encouragement. What a terrible place we are all in. I never would have thought it. I have been going over everything about Trey`s life wondering what I could have done different. If it would have changed anything. I am so lost in the what if`s right now and nobody knows but you guys.

[NiquesMom]

I went to a Dr yesterday, first time since before nique passed. 

I have gained 20 pounds, I have been having trouble sleeping (been getting up 3-6 times a night) and feeling really down. She gave me a muscle relaxant and a small dosage of Lexapro. Took the muscle relaxant last night and slept for 6 straight hours. First time in months.

Maybe there is a little hope. Can't wait for the holidays and niques year mark to be over.

[MargeeTx]

Hello everyone:   I am debating on putting the tree and decorations out.  Philosophically, I want to.   Physically, I am so dizzy and have zero energy.  I have to hold on to walls/furniture just to get from one room to the next.  Jason has done my outside lights for the past 7 years.  I have not listened to any of my Christmas CD's ( I have 40) and don't want to. 

For some reason, yesterday was horrible.  I cried all afternoon.

is this normal grieving?

xxoomargarett

[Tommy's mum]

margarett yes my friend it is all normal. Those tears fall so frequently over the holidays triggered by memories. Can anyone help you decorate? You could sit down to do some of the tree? Outside lights forget it unless there is someone good at climbing ladders etc and not prone to dizzy spells so definitely not you. I still cannot listen to music much or often after years of always having constant music on. Do what you feel like doing or not as the case may be. Small steps you have a couple weeks left to do something. The cds will keep for another year for when you feel stronger. Music can really trigger you. I do worry about your heart issues it sounds awful and you know you do need to be a good patient even if you dont want to.

veronica glad you went to a dr, no need to struggle for so long before seeking some help. I also gained a lot of weight I am pretty inactive coz of my ankle but also too fed up to bother to prepare and cook healthy food. I snack or eat cereal or toast which is not healthy. I also take sleep meds Zolpidem which helps, but it is not a complete cure. Heard good things about Lexapro many of us have some kind of anti depressant or anti anxiety pill to help us with the grief process. It is not a shameful thing it is about seeking help and being the best you can be for you and your family. grief causes changes in the brain as well as the body and soul.

skay there is nothing you could have done to prevent the accident that took your Trey it was just a very cruel incident that randomly happened to your family. I understand that soul searching the second guessing the what if's, but you know it will not change anything so please dont torture yourself. This is still your first year so you have the holidays to go through for the first time and I wish I could make that easier for you and any of the other parents who are also newbies. Do what you can to get through the holidays, I think you have other kids right?

[ericasmom]

Lesley, such good advice to the Newbies here. Skay, as Lesley said, there is nothing you could have done...we all go through those damn what-ifs...What if I had kept Erica on the phone for one or two more minutes? Might that have put her off the schedule of the train by a minute,thereby preventing her death? We can't know and we can't change it anyway. There were times that first and second year, and sometimes still, I think that Erica died early but perhaps there was going to be something soul crushing for her had she lived and I wonder if this early leaving saved her from some kind of awful something later on in life. I just have to believe that Erica is a very happy spirit and she absolutely knows of my love, of all the love from so many here.

Niquees Mom, oh yes, many of us gain weight due to the upheavel of the life we lived. I took Lexapro, small dose for 2 years to help me get through a time, it helped, but eventually I saw it as time to go off. Each of us is different. I am grateful for the medication as it did what I hoped in the short term. If you go on, go on slowly as well as when it is time to go off, very slow weaning.

Ashley's Mom, how hard this time is for you. I know that the ache in your heart is real, is huge, is not anything one could imagine. We do get it and we are here. Get through the holidays as best you can Ashley would insist on that. Do something new this year in her honor if you can, buy gifts or food for someone in need. I find that the more I do for those in need, the more my heart repairs.

Margee, I worry about your heart. Dizzy and needing to hold walls an furniture says a lot about what is going on for you. I want you to be okay, even when life is not okay right now. Yes, it is normal to cry and cry. That first year I cried buckets sometimes when I least expected it. I did not put up a tree for about 5 years after Erica died, I put little things out but no tree, then my Son asked if I wanted him to go get a tree with me and we could put it up...we did, it stayed up till it fell down, the day after Christmas and I tell ya, putting away all of those emotionally charged ornaments is something I didn't want to do again, and so I have not had but 1 tree in 15 Christmases. I am okay with justputting decorations out and dressing up our Big houseplant-tree. It is easier on my heart.

[MargeeTx]

Leslie, Erica, and everyone:  I have small (24") , ceramic, schnauzer themed tree that lights up.   I thing that will be what we put out.  Still reall down;; crying most of the day .   Seems to be worsening with each day .

i will try to make something bettter tomorrow..

xxoomargarett

[ericasmom]

Margee, with your health so precarious right now, it is harder to boost your mood. Please take extra care to get to the doctors before you get worse please. You are absolutely out of energy so how can you expect to get to feeling better?

dee

[MargeeTx]

Dee:  thank you so much for caring about me, as you do about all of us.  I sent an EKG ( AP on phone).   He is certain my dizziness is a RX side effect.  It must be the B/P RX because the heart RX would not cause the dizziness.  Mike has gone to get  me a real B/P cuff ( I already have a stethascope) and I am to cut  RX in half doses twice a day rather than all at one time.  And WE know it's not the heart RX because I stopped that last Monday.

i Truly think these symptoms are deep and dark depression. A good hospice nurse friend tat I have known for 20 yrs talked to me for over an hour last night and that helped me a lot.  He totally agreed that the heart RX was worse than my occasional A-FIB episodes.  He knew Jason;  we had gone on several charity walks and had many meals together.   It was heartwarming to hear words about Jason from someone else.  And, he'd doesn't think I am going crazy ( our term for crazy has always been' cray-cray') to keep things professional! )

i know some of you have shared your phone numbers....how do we do that to keeep the number off the "deep state". Sometimes I just need to talk to someone who really understands. My friends are fearful they might say the wrong thing.  So yes I am reaching out  please

xxoo margarett 

 

 

 

 

[rlolheiser]

Just wanted to check in with all of you.  I keep watch, but don't post a lot.  

Margee, I hope getting your meds cut does the trick.  I was going through a lot of dizziness for awhile, and my doctor wasn't the least bit worried.  Mine was bad enough I stopped driving for a while.  It has eased up a lot. 

I have been cut from a bunch of meds.  A few years ago I went into a coma for about 2 weeks..  woke up to my family being called in because they didn't expect me to make it  It gave me a new outlook on life, I used to not care if I survived.. but there are a lot of people who still kinda like me being around.  I stand about 5ft 1 inch if I am lucky and weighed 310 lbs.  ..   I ended up with a gastric bypass, and several hernia repairs because my hernia doesn't want to cooperate..  I also had my gallbladder out..  in the past 2 years is is 9 surgeries later..  I weigh about 165 and crave food so very bad..  but so afraid I will put my weight back on..   Lately I have had a severe case of depression..  I was on meds, but quit.  There was some changes to my insurance through medicare and it took over a month for it to kick in and I wasn't going to try to pay for it on my own, so coming off them was terrifying..  Part of me wants to go back on them, but I am frightened to.  I was living without emotion, but sometimes I find emotion is highly over rated.  Still trying to figure out what to do...  just want to make it through the holidays.    I know holidays are hard for all of you, I remember the early days, I would break into crying without a warning …  middle of the grocery store.. wham...  talking to somebody. wham..  One thing I came away was that I quit apologizing for the tears..  I miss my JaBoa..  the tears lessened a bit over the years.. but they still come in to surprise me (except lately with the meds)  

Sorry.. got to going over board there.. guess what I am trying to say is tough luck if people don't want to hear me or see me cry..  if they care about me they will get over it, and if not..  I am over them.   I lost my precious granddaughter and it hurts..  my daughter lost her girl...  Sena lost her sister..   and we are all our own little mess..  Grieving is hard, no handbooks to follow..  I hope you all are kinder to yourselves this holiday season.  our angels want us to be..  it keeps me going to know that.  JaBoa would be proud of me and what I have done..  and that helps the heart..  I live each day as if she is just in the other room..  I try to do good things.. don't get me wrong..  I miss that little girls kisses and hugs..  I go back to the day I lost her so many times..  but know I can't stay there..  but can't forget..  12 years without her seems like a lifetime..  it was.. she was only 10, but she with the good Lord..  has made me want to be a better person..   made me quit hating..  quit holding grudge...  I don't know how long I have in this world.. and I want go on to the next one when its  time..  so I still cry.. still scrape myself up with broken heart during the holidays...and a lot of other days..  but I do what I have to do...   I am me... JaBoa's grandma

(thanks for listening...  sometimes I just gotta come here cause nobody else does listen)  I have my pity party and get on with living cause if I didn't it would hurt my JaBoa)

Wishing you all strength..  and love..  may you feel your angels around you always

Leah

[peggy a sad mom]

hi i haven't posted much but i do read. just a reminder my son passed jan 20th this year he was 44. i had his 45th birthday in october it just hurt so bad. i am still trying to figure out how to get through this. i cry all the time.i try to be ok at work and as long as nothing upsets me i'm ok. day before thanksgiving i was so bad but i worked hard and stayed to myself. my boss come up to me me during the day and starts screaming at me for something so stupid i could not believe it. any one who cares at all looking at me that day knew what was wrong. for him not to even give me any thought screw him. i was never like i am now i would always let things go like that but no more. after my son left i don't care about much more. i screamed back at him and yesterday i wasn't even there when it was reported to the union and human resources. never said this in my life i hope he gets fired or just gets out of my life. but i do cry at the drop of a hat. when i was young you could have beat me up i wouldn't cry. now sometimes all you have to do is say good morning and i cry. well i do understand every one here margaret is only 3 days after me and our kids were the same age. leah i know i will still hurt like you in 6 10 12 years (if i'm still here) i don't ever see me getting better

lesley and dee i miss you guys

thanks for listening

[My girl is in heaven]

Peggy.  Going back to work after the loss of a child is difficult for sure.  I hung on for a few years but eventually got fired from my job of 29 years. I just could not concentrate or focus anymore. And my boss was some young snippy girl, who did not consider for one minute why I couldn’t do my job anymore.  I started applying for other jobs but quickly realized they were looking for 24 year olds, not 54 year olds and I’m sure I would not be able to stay tuned in again, thus I took early retirement.  Nobody understands we cannot go back to who we were before.  I’m glad u stood up to your boss. Good on you girl.  I to, find myself able to speak up now, not that I like to, but after what we have gone thru, everything else pales.  I remember you coming on here last January and now your facing the first Christmas and angel date and that is a very difficult time. But you will get better dear friend, although I know that is hard to believe right now.  Stop and pause, take pride in how far you’ve come, because you may not see it, but I do.  Also try to have faith in how far you can go...cause you will, you will keep on trudging thru..cause us grieving moms...are one heck of a tough bunch...Many hands are holding yours, Peggy.  Hugs.  Lu.

[My girl is in heaven]

Margee.. as a nurse you know what  you have to do to look after your health, so if nothing else please  do that. I never could put my Xmas decorations up again, because the last time I opened those bins, my daughter was here.  So this year, 7 years in, I took them to a second hand store.  I bought a few new things and this is the first year I have put anything up.  My boys say they don’t care if I put anything up when they come home, so I haven’t til now.  I’m just dipping my big toe into Christmas again, I’m certainly not embracing it, but I’m tired of trying to out run it, it is almost impossible and exhausting.  But you cannot be expected to do anything the first year for sure except just breath and hold on til January comes and you don’t have to deal with for another year.  But you are not alone, you have a whole new family here who walk in your shoes and understand you.  My email is ltaylor50@rogers.com. If you want to email me your number, I can talk to you if you’d like.  I’m not any kind of a professional.....but I am a grieving mom, so I share in your pain.  Hugs Lu

 

Luanne....Kira’s mama 

[My girl is in heaven]

Leah.  JaBoa certainly is proud of her grandma.  The physical and medical problems you have mustered thru and to be a better person, is very hard for us to do, because really we have every right to be ticked off at everyone and everything around us.  And for sure, you cry or show your grief the way you need to.  Tears are good, they cleanse us of some of the misery that builds up.  We will never forget “that day”, but we needn’t live in the past, only visit it once in awhile.  Remember when you drive you are looking forward most of the time, you only glance in the rear view mirror every now and then.  You are doing your grand daughter proud, and she is surely smiling down on you, don’t ever forget that. hugs. Lu

 

Luanne....Kira’s mama

[My girl is in heaven]

Virginia..am glad you got some sleep, that is important and often hard to come by for us.  I have been on sleeping pills for 7 years and am only now starting to wean off them.  You have the first angel date coming and the first Christmas without your girl, and that will be extremely stressful.  And to be able to share in Kyles joy of holidays, is certainly going to be a balancing act  for you.  But you can do it girl, just one day at a time, don’t plan  too much out. And always, always remember you are not walking this journey alone...you are surrounded by all of your new friends here.  Hold on hugs lu.

 

Luanne...Kira’s mama

[My girl is in heaven]

Skay.  I have been haunted by the what if’s for years.  I heard a thud, that I did not recognize or respond to and it was my daughter collapsing in the shower. I just wanted God to give me back those few seconds and maybe just maybe she might have survived. But I am 7 years in and have mostly been able to let that go.  All of us would have moved a mountain to save our children, and we can look in every corner of the world and we just will never get those answers....god knows what was in our hearts that day and still is in our hearts...   ...if you were driving your car and got a flat tire, you would be saying why me, why did my tire go flat, why when im in a hurry, why not all these other cars whizzing by....so you could sit there all day looking at that tire and asking it why it went flat......but bottom line is...flat tires don’t talk.  Don’t beat yourself up anymore friend....there as nothing we could have done.  Hugs lu

Luanne...Kira’s mama

[My girl is in heaven]

Ashley’s mom. Hold on dear, your first Christmas without your precious girl will be very difficult but you can and will get thru. All of us who have been on this journey for awhile are proof that it is possible, cause I know we have all thought we would not make it thru the holidays.  Like dee said , her Erica, my daughter Kira, all our angels are together and have brought us here to find a shoulder to lean on. Hugs.  Lu

 

Luanne....Kira’s mama

[My girl is in heaven]

Devianez....do you have a court date yet.  How are you doing.  I often wonder how you are.  The court case hanging over your head must be an awful thing to have to carry with you.  How are you planning on spending your Christmas.

Mum to George.  How are you doing.  My Kira was 17, like your George and to us they will always be 17.  The approach of Christmas, where we see most of the world playing happy families, seeing things we would buy for our kids, it is all so hard to take in, but sadly we have no choice in.  Hope you are still reading and feeling the love that is here for you.  Hugs Lu

Kristen,  thanks for sharing Skylars Christmas picture.  I am about an hour from Western and Aaron lives there.  Glad summer is enjoying it.  Is she coming home for Christmas?  Yes I think that is what Kira died from too. But still frustrating in this day and age we can’t get something more definitive. But it is what it is and we just have to take what we can get.  So have you quit Pilates , I know I could not continue at my job and eventually got fired ..the world doesn’t understand that we are just not the same people we once were.  Hold on as we head into another Christmas with out our basketball babies.  I bet there is one hell of a game going on up there though. Hugs lu.

 

Luanne Kira’s mama

 

Luanne....Kira’s mama

[My girl is in heaven]

Tina...what is going on with you..you like your new job....did Grayson have surgery..how is he doing.  Have things settled down now that your noisy neighbours have moved out. Let us know how your doing.  Hugs Lu

missng my little man, Piece of Cate, KJs mommy, Deborah, Stephanie, Bea, and all you others new to this journey..please lean on us now , let us hold your hands and heart as you come to the first Christmas without your precious children.  Let us who have walked this road far longer than  you shoulder some of your burden.   Hugs lu

 

Luanne...Kira’s mama

[peggy a sad mom]

Luanne thank you so much. You always listen even though you feel the same!

[rlolheiser]

Peggy,   I know it feels like nothing will ever get better, in many ways it doesn't, we never get over it.. never forget it, I guess it is a process of learning to go on, even when we feel like we don't want to.  Holidays stink..  my heart goes out to you, remembering the sting of the first holiday..  I wish I knew of words that could ease the hurt..  

Luanne, thank you for your kindness.  I keep trying to walk away from this site, thinking that it would make me stronger but it doesn't seem to work.  I have gone from having people around me to having nobody.  A failed marriage,  problems for my children and grandchildren making us keep in touch less than ever.  If I don't make the move to them, it isn't done.  It gets to feeling like being alone is better, but it only builds depression even more, but then again when I get into their lives. depression happens other ways..  doesn't seem to be a happy medium...  I want you to know that your words mean so very much to me.

Dee, I think of you often and hope you are well, I hope as December comes to a close you will have some relax time during holiday break.

Sherry, hoping also that all is well with you, you are always in my thoughts.

Everyone here is in my thoughts as the sad times and happy times intertwine our lives..  Thinking of our angels . .  trying to hold on tight to them..  loving them and missing them with all our heart and soul..

[My girl is in heaven]

Donna Marie...how r you doing?  You still watching the Viking games , with your precious Victor on your shoulder.  You know he is there still, just feel his presence all around.  Put on your hat and go Vikings go. let  us hold you near as the holidays are coming on.   Lean on your friends here dear.  Hugs lu

Luanne....Kira’s mama. 

 

Becky, you still reading? It was so nice to hear from you awhile ago.  How is your eye sight. If you can let us know how things are going in your life.  Hugs lu

 

Luanne....Kira’s mama

[ericasmom]

Luanne, you are holding down the fort, so much good advice and care from one who really knows. Hey All, I am out here but not as much. I think of you all and hope that you can figure your way around the firsts of the holidays or angel dates, and the seconds. Those in my opinion, are the hardest. I know it feels that you will never move off the mark, but you all have moved forward, it is a horridly hard process, but process it is. There are stages to grief and we double back through them depending on what is going on in our lives and grief. Read Elizabeth Kubler Ross and the stages of grief if you have not. She wrote it a long long time ago, but her concepts are true, you will recognize yourself among the stages and even though that may not seem comforting, to know that someone wrote about this a long time ago and it is what we experience is comforting. It says: we get it. It also can help you better understand yourself through the process of grieving.

Leah, so so wonderful to see you here helping out as you do, full heart and great words.

Peg, I am here, I read, just can't always comment

Margee, happy that you had a voice to talk with the other night. It is important.

Peace out-and love always

[peggy a sad mom]

thanks leah thanks dee