Loss of an Adult Child

[Tommy's mum]

Feeling that slow burn of anger rising as my boy's angel date approaches. Over the last 3 years i have worked on all my emotions and finding some peace which has been very hard. but on that day there are no good or happy memories just the anniversary of when my world turned dark and I lost my eldest son .On that day I rage and shout and let the fury and bitterness and injustice out. I rail at a god who I do not believe in anymore at the fact that I will never hold Tommy in my arms, kiss him, hear his voice or laugh again, in this lifetime. and that is still agonizingly painful and raw. On that day I bleed, my soul and heart are raw, and I am at my most vulnerable. i am still composing my email to the university working and reworking it to get my message across. They dropped the ball on safety on their campus and like Piece of cate's mom I want to make changes so that no one else suffers the way my family suffer. I probably will not be successful this year as I have been unsuccessful in the past and i accept that. But I will not let that university forget what happened that night ending with the death of my son. If any of you have been successful in getting changes or getting some justice then please remind me because I will need all my strength to get through the 16th. My rational mind knows it is a 24 hour period but my whole being does a countdown to that day and my mood crashes a few weeks before and for several days after. That reminder is still as raw as when it happened but I have also learned better coping skills and can get myself back on track. That is a part of the grieving process, learning coping strategies and facing upto that day. allowing the free flow of emotions is so important it washes you clean temporarily and leaves an exhaustion in its place but there is some healing even though the scars will always be present. We are beaten down but not defeated, we are all warrior parents.

[NiquesMom]

 Listened to a voicemail from nique this morning,  her wishing me a happy birthday.  Such a double edged sword: thankful I can hear her voice again,  and devastated because this is the only way.  Wailed in my car,  and then pulled myself together and came into work. 

Kyle went to meet his kindergarten teacher today,  school starts Monday.  My husband took him,  really glad he was able to since I couldnt. 

Tommy mum: I am hugging you and sending love  to you through this forum. I wish I had anyone to ask to change anything,  but mine was an accident,  my daughters fault more than anything else. I hope the school will take action.  

 

[MargeeTx]

hello to all:   This week sucked.  The 6 month anniversary came and went.  In so many ways, it feels like Jason died today.  In fewer ways, it feels like he has been gone forever, and time simply stands still.   Jeremy has decided to sell Jason's truck, and I am grateful.  Every time I saw that stupid black F-150, there was Jason.  I have to think it will also be a healing feeling for Jeremy.  Jeremy told me that a part of him wants to keep it, but the emotional turmoil that he experiences just seeing it--much less, driving it, has become too difficult. He needs to do what he needs to do.

thinking of all of you....please know that you are cared about.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Lesley, thinking of you as you near Tommy's date. I did a lot of writing early on, so working through the letter to the University is a good outlet. Perhaps one time someone will come to reason over what you write.

I also did a lot of journaling of dreams in my early days of grief. I found a book, Where are You? by Karin v. Schilling which spoke of her journey though the loss of her daughter. Here is a bit of it:

"One learns to live with one's soul, because with its help one reaches out and seeks to accompany the child who has gone, or, rather gone ahead. 

Each Mother will find her own words -- words that belong to her special child, maybe the prayer that child used to say. I want to share here some verses and prayers by Rudolf Steiner to those who asked him for such help. They can be used in this sequence--as the immediacy of the death experience recedes--but really, as the need arises.

• 'Divine in my Soul, to you I shall give space
  In the conscious part of my being:
  You bind me to everything
  That the power of destine has brought to me;
  You never sever me from that which you have given me to love:
  Your spirit watches over what is mine, because it is also yours;
  Thus I shall wake with you, through you, in you.'"

Another poem the author shares is by Maria Reimann:

• When you behold through my eyes the earthly beings,
  Through you I listen upward to the starry courses.
  When you, through my listening,
  Enter into the weaving-ether-light
  Then I behold, through the mirror of your soul,
  With mine inner eye the realm of angels.
  And the here and the yonder
  Find themselves in loving harmony
  When the sun is in the center--
  When the flame of love glows with sacrifice.
  
  Karin goes on to say, "Indeed, a very fine weaving can come about in this way. The child is still so close to us, he or she can perceive through our soul and through our eyes and ears. This was my experience, and I consciously sought out occasions of visual or auditory beauty, a concert or a beautiful flower that would light up my soul, in order to offer it Saskia." (the author's passed on daughter). 

MargeeTX, six months is not that long at all. It was probably best that the truck was sold, each person finds their way, and what will bring about some healing from loss. 
Pam and Sherry, good to see your posts here today. 

Tina, good luck on your job search. I was not able to be employed for awhile, but now that I have the jobs, it is a good thing. Sending good thoughts.

Niques Mom, what a cutie Kyle is. My grandson, Benton helped me a lot through the beginning.

Dee, thanks for the posts. You and Sherry are very much appreciated.

Susan, sending loving thoughts to you at this time. 

Kate, how are you and Ross doing?

Sending gentle thoughts to all Indigoes.

[NiquesMom]

Piece of cate: I thought of you and your daughter just now.  On my Facebook feed,  I see a post  for the company your daughter modeled for. My step sister had shared a link of theirs. Turns out the owner/ founder is a cheerleader she used to coach.  I felt like maybe my daughter got it to pop up,  so I would share it with you.  Hope you are doing ok.

[NiquesMom]

Piece of cate: turns out she knew your daughter, said she worked at a boutique downtown and was a very beautiful girl.  Such a small world,  me too meet you and she knew your daughter,  and we lost both of our beautiful girls.  Crazy.

[Missing my little man]

Can't sleep again tonight. Tomorrow morning I will be a zombie.

[PieceofCate]

Niquesmom, What a small world!!! Cate was on her way to the boutique that morning to do prom makeup!!! She was actually talking to another girl at Smokin Hot when the accident happened. The girl said she heard her scream and then silence. They called me when they couldn’t get an answer from her. I don’t believe in coincidences anymore. I’m sure that our girls made sure that we would meet. I wish that you, all of you would find me on Facebook. I’m MissyDarity on Facebook and very easy to find. I would love to see photos of your Nique!!! I also post about my progress with the OTA to upgrade the road Cate was killed on. I’m meeting with my senator next week. I’m so grateful to everyone here. This has become my safe place and I pray for each of you every night. All my love. Michele

[NiquesMom]

Cates mom: I sent you a friend request.  The woman I was speaking to is Jennifer Bryant. Do you know her? It's funny that she knew both our daughters.  

[PieceofCate]

Virginia, I do not know her. But Tiffany, the owner of the boutique does! She said that Jennifer was in the store yesterday!! Did Nique live near Paris? I wonder if Cate and Nique crossed paths?

[Somersky]

Wishing everyone love .... and a big hug! Skylar loved hugs and I know he would be giving you all hugs right now!!!

[NiquesMom]

No,  I don't think they ever crossed paths.  Nique lived in az with me.  My dad lived in Paris,  moved there after getting divorced.  He married jennifers mother in law.  So Jennifer's husband is my step brother.  I only went to Paris once,  when nique was 10. But i think our girls orchestrated us meeting.  Nothing is by chance anymore. 

[PieceofCate]

This photo/painting is powerful. If you have been following the story of a mother orca whose baby died and she keeps pushing it above water. She was getting too tired to carry it so the pod stepped in and the other females are taking turns carrying baby so mom can rest and eat. I love it. They are on day 10 of carrying a dead baby across the sea. In a literal sense they are carrying her grief because it is too heavy. It’s so symbolic to me how the woman in my life have done this for me. Stepped up and held my broken things so I can rest. I see my daughters learning to do this too. Holding their sister and her heart up high so she can breathe. What a beautiful way of showing love and support and sliding over so there is room for all of us. 
Artist: Lori Christopher
https://www.plantbasednews.org/post/grieving-mother-orca-refuses-to-let-dead-baby-go-after-10-days

[ericasmom]

I agree, I pointed out to a friend, This is what grief is, to carry it for all your days. I just read that the Momma Orca, just let go of her sweet child, let her go...they are much like elephants who openly grieve in their herds as well, touching the deceased elephant and staying near it for days on end, helping her spirit onward. We carry it for all of time and we would not have it otherwise.

[Skay]

On 7/24/2018 at 5:36 PM, NiquesMom said:

Donnamaria, I do not have any wisdom about the guilt.  What I can say is that after time it is easier to not think of the guilt everyday all day.  But it still comes out of nowhere and smacks me in the face.  I should have been able to protect my daughter,  made sure she was using the crosswalk,  picked her up for lunch or took her lunch to her.  Today as i walked into the elementary school to register Kyle for kindergarten,  I heard the Dr telling me she had died.  It only lasted a few moments,  that's how it is for me now.  I hope you find a little peace soon. 

On 7/22/2018 at 3:24 AM, Tommy's mum said:

louanne you are so right. being able to let go of what you cannot change is key to healing. Guilt is something most of us have carried since the death of our child and is one of the things that holds you back and stuck in the pit of darkness. Bad things sometimes happen to good people that is a fact of life. They do not deserve it, have not earned it by doing bad things, and it is cruel, unfair and tragic. There are supposedly 5 stages of the grief process and the progression through each stage can be complicated as you swing back and forwards. I liken it to being a ball in a pinball machine, out of control, bumping into things and careering off unexpectedly, hitting a high note and then being swallowed up. It sure is a a crazy, mixed up journey, that is scary, and makes you feel out of control, and at the mercy of something bigger than yourself. At first you are in shock and denial, then there is anger, a desire for justice and someone to blame. Sometimes there is bargaining but that is more usual when the loss of the child is delayed ie on life support when you offer anything to just save your child even your own life in exchange for their survival. Then depression as it slowly dawns on you that your child is not coming back and your life is forever altered and having to adjust to that awful gap in your family, and finally acceptance. Acceptance is when you know your child is gone and you make room in your life for mourning but are able to take small steps forward to continue on living. It is about being able to remember happy times and be grateful for the short time you had with that child, and be able to do something positive in their memory like donate to a charity, get a bench or plant a tree, advocate for a law change, set up a scholarship etc there are many ways to honour your child. It does not mean you forget them,or mean you will stop mourning their absence, they are forever a part of you and are forever missed, but it is about making peace with what happened and remembering your child positively. This is a process that takes a long long time and hard work to reach and each one of us gets there in our own time as we are all unique individuals with different life experiences and challenges, but it is a goal to aspire to. if this idea seems crazy then you are not there yet. None of us can change what happened to our child, there is no going back and redoing things, there is nothing you could have done  or said that changes the outcome, it just is. this is why this site is invaluable. Members who have been through the stages and have come out on the other side can offer hope and support to other bereaved parents and show them the way to go. Grief is a process that has to be worked through, it cannot be skipped or ignored no matter how painful, but life can become more bearable afterwards. Stay strong friends no matter where you are on this journey, we will all eventually get to our destination.  Use this forum to talk about your child and share where you are, your story has more healing power than you know, and your words can be those that make a difference to a fellow parent who is suffering or lost.

 

[ericasmom]

Lesley, I am proud of your efforts to not let those in charge forget what happened at the University. We fought on and off for 4 years to charge Amtrak and the town of Kalamazoo in a wrongful death suit...we did come to an agreement with the town of Kalamazoo, that they would change the configuration of streets to tracks, and so we won in that way. We made sure that nobody would get struck by a train due to the poorly planned access streets between two colleges.

Pam, it is good to see your Sweet Son and hear from you after a long time. I am glad that you are doing well.

Virginia and Mom to Cate, what a great connection, not coincidence in my thinking...

[Bea8924]

I had an emotional day yesterday. Cried like I hadn't cried in a while. What triggered me was saying Nezzys name out loud. I was home, just me and the kids and I yelled "NAISA ESMERALDA" (we nicknamed her Nezzy) and just yelling out her name and not getting a response or having her come to me like she used to got me all in my feelings.

On another note, my husband and I had a disagreement. Saturday we had two occasions we had to attend. One was my aunt's wedding and another our nephews 5th bday party. He hasn't been much of a party person. So him going to this bday party was a first for him since the passing of our daughter. I ended up going to my aunt's wedding alone and he stayed at the party with the kids. He told me not to go but I had RSVP already and ended up going. He had a tough time at the party. He was missing Nezzy and didn't feel he was ready to be alone with the kids. He was upset that I bailed him when he needed me the most. So I understand where he's coming from. Had the roles been reversed I would have felt the same. So luckily we were able to talk through it and were fine now. But I  have another family wedding to attend at the end of the month and he doesn't want me to go and he wouldn't accompany me either. I don't want to fight with him but him and I are different cause he wants to keep to himself where I like the company of family and friends.  So I'm just stuck on what choice to make. He has become alot stronger when dealing with his grief now. So I admire him for that. 

[ericasmom]

Bea, I admire you for trying to see his side, and I would ask him to try to see your side...I get that he is feeling not ready to be alone with the kids, but he needs to know he will be okay with them, that his job as Daddy is a good one, that he is good at it, and that you need to do some of these good things that make your heart feel lighter. He doesn't want to go with you but he doesn't want you to leave him at home...this is making you stuck, and that part is not fair...I don't think he is able to see it as such, so more conversation perhaps. Would it help him to have a helper at home with him while you go?

[Bea8924]

Saturday he had his whole family around him and he said he felt alone. So maybe having me around helps more than having other family for support. But hopefully by talking it out we find a common ground. Before nezzy passed we were planning to go to a family get together but didn't end up going cause my husband didn't want us to go (cause it was pretty far location) but had we gone, that would have been an opportunity for the family to spend time with nezzy before she passed. I think I want to spend time with family cause I realized that another day in life is not guaranteed and I don't want to regret spending time with my loves ones. But he has the mind set that if they are not reaching out to us than they don't care about us. But I don't see at that way. I think if people aren't reaching out it's because they are giving us our space or just aren't comfortable doing so. 

Ethan (my 6yrold son) started his first day of 1st grade today. It went pretty well. It's just me and Haley (my 7month old girl) today. So far so good.  I'm missing Nezzy. It was always our girl squad on days when Ethan was in school. I'm sure she's with me, just in a different way. Tomorrow will be 3months since she's been gone. Still no answer as to cause of death. Everyone is curious to know what happened. Having no answer is frustrating.

[NiquesMom]

Kyles first day of kindergarten,  asked nique to watch over him

[donnamaria]

Well saturday i watched the vikings play our first preseason game i had my hat on put the vikings helmet on Victors tray at his bed side and we watched the game me here on earth and victor looking down from Heaven before the game started i cried but during the game i was ok i would post on Victors fb wall everytime we scored we won so i know he was glad then after the game well you know the tears came flowing down. this morning was like that had a long cry it was 2 months he has been gone on august the 10th i love and miss him so much it breaks my heart each time i see a new parent joining this horrible club most everyone i know they are going on with their lives you know they dont call or text much when your a parent the pain is every day for others theres pain but not like ours never like ours we are still waiting for the autopsy report not sure how im going to handle it but we have to know why my handsome boy is no longer with us our family friends mom didnt have a service for him she had him cremated she couldnt go through the pain of a service they are looking for the person or persons that beat him his birthday was a couple of days ago i havent done much today went to the cemetary mailed a letter maybe tomorrow i will do more but you know whats horrible i no longer have anyone to take care of so i can do and go where i want but i would trade anything to have my victor back with me oh how nice it would have been for him to be well and to do all the things we wanted to do this summer its a very lonely place here even though i have family im still very lonely but i think all of you understand that 

[My girl is in heaven]

Donna Marie.  Yes it is a very lonely road, even if you are surrounded by people.  But I don’t feel alone when all of us here are talking.  I feel surrounded by people who there is a very tight bond, cause we all just know...we just do.  The reason Victor died might seem important right now.  I felt the same when my 17 year old daughter Kira collapsed in the shower and died.  I only got a bunch of drs best guesses, but no 100 % sure causes.  It angered me at first that in this day and age no one could tell me what a healthy young girl died if.  But I’m 7 years on now.  And the reason or whys don’t hold much weight anymore.  I’ve just learned that it just is.  Remember you can search every corner of the world and you will never get any answers.  And if all you can do in a day is mail a letter, well that’s ok.  Whatever you can manage is still a tiny step forward.  So what kinda sport is the Vikings..  you are in New York , right.  Do you like hockey?  You got the Islanders and Rangers.  I’ll make a hockey fan  out of you....it is the greatest sport in the world, but I gotta say that cause I’m from Canada.lol.  Keep mailing your letters, or go for a walk, clean some drawers out.  Remember they are little steps that will add up.  Take care.  Hugs.  Luanne

Virginia.  I know some days and just when you think maybe you’ll be ok, everything comes crashing down and you slide back into the hole.  But every time you do you climb out and are just a little bit stronger than the time before.  I’m sure Nique is watching out for Kyle.  Is that when public school starts all the time.  Our schools don’t start til the first or second week of September.  I hope your new home is giving you a fresh start.  Take care...Luanne 

Luanne....Kira’s mama

[My girl is in heaven]

Bea.  The loss of a child is very hard on family and friend dynamics.  A lot of people give them a pass, cause yeah they mean well or don’t know what to say.  But I don’t give them a pass.  I have had so many hurtful things said, I pretty much throw them all into the same bowl as disrespectful rude people, but I’m sure that isn’t always the case.  I don’t know how you moms who still have young children juggle everything, but hats off to you.  I know you are looking for answers but really no matter what is put on paper, won’t matter so much as time goes on, but you need that in the beginning.  Do you ever get a babysitter and just go out with a friend for lunch or go get your hair done.  I hope you give yourself a break now and again,  you so deserve it.

PieceofCate.  How r you doing.  Good for you trying to get safe guards put in place.  R u getting a lot of support.  I think only people in our shoes have the passion to fight for such causes.   Kira danced jazz, tap and ballet.  She played basketball and soccer.  She was so loved by all her friends.  What kind of things did Cate like to do other than modeling.  I’m sure Kira and Cate are lighting up the heavens with all thier sunshine.  Take care

 

Luanne.....Kira’s mama

[Bea8924]

I don't tend to take time for myself ever. Even when Nezzy was here. It was always me and my kids. The only time I would ask for a sitter is when I would work. Maybe once in a while me and my husband would go to the movies (bit only if it's a marvel movie) but the wedding was the first time I was alone since my daughter passed. I have always been so used to having my kids around. People have asked how I manage to stay so strong. I believe it's because of my kids. I admire mother's who lose their only child and still carry on and push through. I feel like that takes more strength and courage than myself who has 2 other kids to raise. You need pure will power to stay strong after a loss of a child. Honestly not having my 7month old here would have been harder on all of us. She's our little motivator. I just do my best to keep pushing through each day. One day at a time.

[My girl is in heaven]

Margee.  I’m sure selling Jason’s truck will be good for you.  We are faced with so many triggers and reminders anyway, you don’t need extra ones.  Kira had just got her license and only got to drive on her own once before she died.  She was just on the cusp of everything new and wonderful.  I really feel our kids have some how orchestrated all of this for us to be together here.  A plan they all had knowing we need each other so much.  Take care.  So I just have to know..how hot is it there.  Is Texas all deserts.  I know dr. Phil is from there, have you had him over supper anytime? Take care dear friend. You are still early in your grief journey but making those all important baby steps everyday.hugs Luanne

Peggy.  Dear friend. I’m in the middle of a move right now so sorry I have not posted lately.  How are things going with you? I hope you are getting a few signs, a little something sprinkled down on you from your Ronnie.  He’s all around you you know.  It has taken me 7 years to get this open to feel and see those signs but now I recognize them when they pop up. Have you had a chance to get any summer vacation days in this summer.  So you are from Peek Skill, New York, right?  Well I just gotta ask you must be a New York Islanders or NewYork Rangers fan right.  If not I’ll make you a fan...hockey starts in October.  Please let us know what’s going on with you right now and where you are at.  Hugs and thinking of you.  Luanne 

Luanne,....Kira’s mama

 

 

[Tommy's mum]

bea yes it is always one day at a time. You hate to hear that and also time heals etc etc but it is true to a point. It is what you do individually to push through grief that makes the healing happen, and you are in a different place each 6 months on each year on. Life does throw **** at you, it really sucks but there should be some good times ahead too. It is important to move forwards each time you fall down so that you learn to live in the new life you have been dealt. Tommy's angel date is tomorrow and I felt myself slipping back a bit for a while. I will take him some flowers from my garden and email the university to appeal yet again for window safety locks. Sometimes you need to keep hammering home a point to make a difference. try to make a little time for yourself whether its window shopping or a movie or a hobby. Remember the mum is the glue that holds the family together so she needs to self care too. As for social events you and your husband need to listen to each other and decide what each of you is comfortable doing. It is nice to go together but not mandatory. family and friends learn how each of you cope. yes death makes lots of people uncomfortable so does seeing grief and it is hard for others to understand it is a lifetime of inner sadness for those involved. hope Ethan does well at school there are counsellors in place if he needs them.

donnamaria I am so proud of you. watching the game with Victor over your shoulder cheering them and you for your strength. is there someone else like your family doctor who could read the autopsy results to you? Reading them yourself is pretty hard and you cannot unsee what you have read. Remember there is no rule that says you have to read them if ever or you may want to defer reading until you are feeling stronger and more in control. It is a personal choice, some parents want to see them some don't, sometimes there is a definitive answer sometimes not it is random. In the end the fact that you lost Victor is the hardest thing, how he died becomes less important as time goes by.

virginia i know nique was there holding her brother's hand as he goes to school she will always take care of him. As I said to bea there are counsellors at school if he needs them. he has had a lot of changes to adjust to as have you all.

margarett I sense your real sadness and know you are finding it hard. the 6 month mark is just one of the events to reach but you just do the best you can with what you have got and you will be ok. take some time in your garden and let some peace creep in.

dee thanks always for your support. having friends to chat with is really important especially when you are isolated at home unable to work like me. i will be ok tomorrow and the next day and the next day one foot forward at a time.

[My girl is in heaven]

Missing my little man.  Yes Even  our regular routines as simple as getting our sleep, all go out the window when we lose our children. I am on a strong dose of sleeping pills, double the normal and have been on for 6 1/2 years.  They are only meant to be taken for two weeks to get people back into thier sleep routine. But I am totally dependent on them, can’t get one wink on my own. My dr. Said it will take a year and a half to wean off.    Just work slowly on bringing  back your routines a little at a time. Just the rest, eat, exercise routine, which you do not have any interest in the begging I know. Remember to be kind to yourself and do things in a way and time that is right for you.  Hugs Luanne

Tina.  Do you like your new job.  How is it different from your other one.  Hope people aren’t still giving you a hard time.  Is Grayson  back to school.  I’m hearing you guys start school there so early. Ours is the second week in September.  You got rid of those annoying neighbours right..I hope so .  How you had any vacation time yet.  You certainly deserve a break now and again. Take care friend. 

Luanne.....Kira’s mama

[My girl is in heaven]

Hi Kristen.  Great tattoos.  I got  one a few weeks ago, first one ever,  wasn’t sure with my old lady wrinkly skin, how it would look.  I wanted an infinity sign, a cross and a k just small on my wrist, didn’t hurt at all.  Think next time I’ll get skull and crossbones lol.  

[NiquesMom]

So I told them at my new job about nique today (been here  2 weeks and is really hard to not mention her,  especially talking about my past). Turns out  2 of the women in the office have lost children as well,  one 30 years ago and  one 2 years ago. Made me feel a little better to not be the only one,  although that's terrible because I don't wish this on anyone. 

[NiquesMom]

Luanne, I bawled my eyes out yesterday,  not because Kyle was starting kindergarten but because I was remembering niques first day of kindergarten.  I felt bad that as excited as I was for him,  all I could think about was her.  

Not all schools start in August but a lot do.  I know the Midwest most start after labor day in September

[ericasmom]

I think that crying for remembering Niques first day of kindergarten is okay, it is not robbing from Kyle...how did he do? Midwest used to start after labor day, but not anymore, though Michigan does, state law...and I admire it. Wish we had that.

Lu, what a pretty design you have on your wrist.

[peggy a sad mom]

hi luann thanks again for thinking of me. i do get a lot of signs but i am still too heart broken to be happy. i am from peekskill ny. i'm not really a sports person at all. my son was a met fan and a giant's fan. he loved sports. his friends have been sending me pics and remarks about things they would have been talking to him about. first i smile then i cry. i will be on vacation in october i'm going to florida with my sister and brother in law. hope i'm ok don't want to ruin their vacation. like most other people i still get upset and cry every day. some days more then others. well thanks again

hello to everyone i read all messages i am sorry and i think of all of you

try to have a good night

[Somersky]

LOVE ... that design... the infinity loop is actually the logo of my Pilates studio (fit for infinity lol) I too have thought about having Skylar and summers name in the same design on my wrist but I think the tree was enough and the memorial tattoo on my shoulder.  it must have hurt a bit... ?there are quite a few nerves there. I have also seen the tattoo of the last heartbeat which I also considered as I have it from the hospital... but that would be kind of sad every time I saw it. Tree of life/dreaming tree offers encouragement!

We always have to remember to pat ourselves on the back and give ourselves credit for getting through each day ... everyday with the loss of our child is a day that we made it through and it takes hard work. I am glad we are all here for each other 

Now I hope you don’t think it’s too weird but two crows have started visiting me a while ago maybe 2 months ago everyday they come around at the same time so I have started to leave a cracker for each to share. There is something magical about those two they just seem so happy hopping along the lawn and they come at the same time same two birds. Dave things I’m nuts but who knows ....

xo 

[Tommy's mum]

Luanne love the tattoo it is so delicate and pretty besides being so memorable for you. I am still not ready to get one but when the idea hits finally I will get one for Tommy. Not found the right one yet.

somersky it is strange that signs come in random ways. I hope it helps you having those big crows around, they are very intelligent birds you know. It is important to find some small happiness or contentment in things whatever form they take. My passion is supporting the wild hedgehogs in my area that are now an endangered species. I currently have a baby that was abandoned by his mum too early and was very underweight. A few weeks later he is off all milk feeds taking a varity of solid foods and is ready to be released back outside. Trouble is that he decided to break out of his box the other night and is happily tucked away behind a cabinet in my garage. I will leave the door open so he can explore outside then come back for food and a snooze until he decides he is ready to go off into the world on his own. I feed all the wild hedgehogs every night at the end of my garden and have a house that is inhabited by at least one happy customer. The second house is freely available for a prickly creature to move right in.

21 hours ago, peggy a sad mom said:

. "first i smile then i cry. i like most other people i still get upset and cry every day. some days more then others." such true words peggy we all know how that goes. Enjoy the brief moments of being able to smile, in time they will become more frequent and the sadness will recede until it is mainly a deep ache in your heart that never goes away.

veronica how brave of you to share a part of your story with coworkers. Now you have found two people who can understand you and help you especially when the going gets tough at work.

It is my Tommy's angel date tomorrow. Dreading it in one day but also want it to come so that it will be over for another year and I won't have that pit in my stomach waiting for it to arrive.

[Tinay]

I'm not switching jobs. It would be a part time job. I have to do testing first. Whatever that means. It is a 911 dispatch job. Not sure I can do it because of losing kiona. But I'm willing to try and help others. 

Just dealing with some stuff with my son and his dad. My son feels dad is choosing kiinas best friend over him. She is 22. Was like a sister and now just a sexual partner to his dad. Anyway, just thought I'd check in

 

Peace and love to all

Tina

[4MyM&J]

Hi all. I haven’t been on in a while. I’ve been trying to find a new routine, and just concentrating on my youngest. I have been thinking of you all though. 

The last week has been hard. Harder then I thought it would be at least. Michael should have started 2nd grade on monday. Seeing all the posts online about everyone’s kids starting school, it just sucked. 

Despite the heartache of this week, I’ve been fighting this feeling for the last several weeks. And I’m not sure if it’s a defense mechanism my mind is using to help me through everything, or if it’s a mother’s instinct. I know this is going to sound crazy, and I realize that it does, but I don’t feel like my son is dead. I know I saw his body at the funeral home, and I touched his cold skin. And I’ve read all the hospital reports. So I know that my son is dead. But I have this feeling, and I just didn’t know if anyone else experienced this. I feel like as his mother, I should be able to feel with every ounce of my being that he is gone and never coming back. But I don’t. I feel in my heart that he isn’t gone. And in my mind it all just feels so surreal that he is gone that at times I just can’t believe that he is. 

Again, I know I sound crazy. But I just had to ask if this is a normal thing. If someone else felt this too, and you all are the only people I knew to ask. 

 

[PieceofCate]

4myM&J, my Daughter Cate was killed in a horrible wreck on the turnpike 45 minutes after she left my home. I got a phone call that her fiancé was worried that she wasn’t answering his calls so I decided to go look for her. Nothing alarming at the time. But when I walked to my car my knees buckled twice and I knew she was gone. When I arrived at the accident site I didn’t even ask. I knew by the devastation. I never saw her at all. There was likely not much to see of her earthly body anyway. She was cremated and I just recently got her ashes. But I often feel like she is not gone. It sounds contradictory, I know. But I’m her mother and I feel her presence. I text her sometimes. Talk to her often. And of course I believe that her spirit is with me always. But I am speaking of a physical presence. Maybe my human mind just doesn’t understand that the most precious part of her survived and is never far. But you are not alone. 

Luanne, my Cate was a talented gymnast.  And she was on the cheer squad from 6th grade. She LOVED dancing and I can imagine our girls dancing and tumbling all over the universe! 

Love to all of you friends 

 

[Tommy's mum]

[NiquesMom]

4myM&J: I know its hard to believe they have left.  I did not feel my daughter leave like some parents have.  I feel like I loved her so much I should have known,  I should have felt something.  She was outside our apartment,  maybe 200 feet away,  I was home and knew nothing.  I didn't feel anything,  even when her work called i kept saying she must be in a coma and that's why the hospital didn't know to call me.  I don't understand why some parents can feel their child leave,  but i didn't.  I miss her so much,  it just feels like she is back in az and i will talk to her soon.

Hugs to you tommysmom on Tommy anniversary, Tommy hold your momma close, this sucks for us all to be here.

[Jeff's Mom]

Tommy, let your shining spirit surround your family today as they remember you. You are missed deeply and much loved. Hold your family close, as they recall the memories that made you so very special .

Kate

[Kimmc8181]

My name is Kim.  I lost my son on March 9th 2018.  I don't think I can go on!

[Somersky]

Kim... one hour at a time! Even one minute at a time. I often see Skylar walking down the street and know it’s him... I can’t fathom his loss just cannot so... I don’t sometimes. 

Tommy.... I know you are enjoying all of your new friends you have met and Skylar telling you all about basketball!  Tommysmom..big hugs to you today. Xoxox 

[peggy a sad mom]

Kim I'm six months without my son please just write it is always nice to read people writing to you. I'm always upset when I'm writing. Just hold on. I have good and bad days now. I still hurt and. Cry everyday but not every minute

[Jeff's Mom]

Kim, I am so sorry for your loss. I understand the deep pain you are experiencing. I lost my son over eight years ago at Christmas time. I have been on this site for a very long time. When I first joined I was in a state of disbelief. The thought of continuing my life without my son did not seem possible. I found that with the help of some wonderful people on this site that I found that I was not walking this path alone. They reached out to me at my lowest and darkest times. I will tell you this...this terrible fog and pain will eventually lift and you will start to feel more strength to continue. It takes a long time and patience. Reach out to those that offer support... be it in the form of grief therapy, counselling, or just a valued friend or family member. Hold on with both hands and never lose heart. It will soften in time.

[MissingMyCJ]

I've been lurking on this site for a couple of months, but haven't had the courage to post until now.  Today is 5 months since he passed away, and I truly have no idea how I've managed to survive each day. CJ was my first born of my 3 boys, he has 2 younger brothers, Landon (19) and Bryce (17). I'm divorced form their father, but have a wonderful relationship with him and his wife. CJ was tragically taken from us and his two young children in a ATV accident in the early morning hours of March 17, 2018.  

I just miss him so very much!!!  

 

[NiquesMom]

Hello CJ mom, I lost my daughter 12/21/17, she was 18  and just getting ready to start her life. I don't know how it's been  8 months already,  seems weird doesn't it? Like maybe they are over at a friends house,  or visiting grandparents out of state, and we will see them soon. 

Hang on,  I hear that it gets softer,  today is not a soft day for me,  every time I feel like I want to cry I force a smile,  so I have been smiling like a fool all day at work (and I still have  4 hours)

[MissingMyCJ]

Hello NiquesMom,  I'm very sorry for the loss of your precious daughter.  I also feel like CJ is away on vacation or something. I assume it's part of the grieving process and still being numb.  I also hear that the pain gets softer in time, I sure hope so!  Today, is the first time I've been at work on the 17th. I'm trying my best to stay focused but that's not happening the way I thought it would. My only focus today is how much I miss my son and how I would give anything to have him back. 

[daveydow1]

Hello  to  all  INDIGOS....I am so sorry to see so many new parents here on this site.

 

I have been away recently, and am now catching up.  

 

To  all  parents  new  to  this site.......you are welcome here, to read/post, as you

feel you want to. Just knowing there are others who understand can help. 

4MyM&J,.....missingmylittleman.....pieceofCate......Kimmc8181.....missingMyCJ...

KJsmom......Rose913......and for any other new parents, grieving the loss of their precious children.

I am so very sorry for your loss.  Please come back to this site where everyone knows

the heartache, sadness, and pain that is part of losing a beloved child who left this world too soon.

 

PEACE   AND   COMFORT   TO  ALL  INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom,   sherry

 

 

 

 

 

[Tommy's mum]

thanks everyone for thinking of me on my son's angel date. It went ok and I can heave a huge sigh of relief that it is gone until next year. Commenting on parents feeling their child has not gone is common. I know my adult kids and I kind of pretended that Tommy was still living in Hawaii because the reality was so painful. In time we accepted the fact he is gone. I know our children do not leave us, they leave their earthly bodies behind so we can say goodbye, but remain next to us just in an invisible form.

missingmycj i am glad you posted, it is important to ask questions and post thoughts etc because we can all support and help each other. I am sorry you lost your CJ it is the worst thing to experience ever. Please feel free to tell us more about your son and how you are coping. My son was killed 3 years ago yesterday. he climbed onto a window ledge to try and save his suicidal friend from jumping when the police could do nothing. Tommy talked him in but the window broke as they were climbing back in and they both fell 14 stories. Tommy died soon after in the ER and his friend survived with serious injuries. I went to my special place yesterday to take Tommy some flowers from my garden. As I was leaving along a stone strewn path a small half hidden stone caught my eye.. I went to step over it but felt I should look at it so i picked it up. It is a heart shape and is orange like m son's hair. Those are the kind of unusual things that our children send to us to show they are still around. Signs do not come often and are often not picked up in the early days as grief clouds your reasoning so you are not as receptive. Not every parent feels their child pass, it does not mean you are a deficient parent it is just the way it is. We are all different individuals with a tragic common bond.

kim I am sorry for your loss I also lost a son who had just turned 24 years old. His angel date was yesterday I am 3 years into the grief journey and like all of us in a stage of healing. One day at a time is true because it seems impossible to go on without your child. But you will go on without knowing how. I hope you can tell us more about your boy.

[ericasmom]

Kim we all know that feeling that we cannot go on...and we all went on anyhow, and most of us cannot remember quite how we went on in those early months. The first year of loss is absolutely the worst...grief is something we learn to live with in order to breathe and walk and work again and still take our children along with us. We weave our grief into your bones, into our spirits and our daily lives...we don't leave our children behind, we take them with, and they take us with them as well, which is why I think, we often feel them in our lives. They are in our lives, and will forever be a pat of our day to day. My Girl, Erica died 15 years ago, she was driving and crossing at a broken crossing in Kalamazoo, Michigan where an AMTRAK struck her car. She lived for 6 days afterwards, but never awake again...in my heart, I felt she had left her body when the train hit her car, and that she was sitting on the frame of the trauma room bed when we finally got to Michigan, (we live just outside Chicago). The shock of losing our Girl was what allowed us to move through the first month, and then shock began to wear away, and with each shedding of shock, the raw pain was just unbearable. You are at about 5 months so I would think that you have shed another layer of shock and are feeling the absolute pain of grief at its most raw point. Please hang on and know that you have folks to talk with here. There is nothing easy about this, so be very kind to yourself, treat yourself as you would treat a friend in these same shoes.