Loss of an Adult Child

[PieceofCate]

It has been 3 months since Cate’s accident. I have spent the last several weeks writing letters and making calls to local politicians, the Oklahoma Turnpike Authority and other public agencies involved with highway safety. I’m asking for cable barriers on the Turnpike where Cate hydroplaned and crossed the median. I feel like I need to find purpose and do something meaningful or I will just explode. So I have stayed in touch with the truck driver who was unlucky enough to hit her car as she flew across the median that rainy day and he has always been so kind. Today he revealed to me that he lost a son 10 years ago. And that he tells very few people. I am new to this grieving mother thing but it seems like I meet someone who lost a child at least once a week. Before Cate’s accident I knew a couple. I feel like there are so many parents who don’t talk about their loss for fear of something. The uncomfortable nature of losing a child? The knowledge that others will feel awkward? The fear of the inevitable apologies, condolences and treatment as if we are a ticking time bomb? I know I don’t like the way people will change their expression and have pity in their eyes for me after they discover my horrible fate. This truck driver has been forever traumatized twice. First by the loss of his son and then a decade later having to witness the tragic fiery mess that took my daughter’s life. I wish he felt more comfortable talking about his own loss. He has been so instrumental in dealing with my trauma and grief , I wish I could help him with his. 

[My girl is in heaven]

This is my planter from last summer...I didn’t plant any flowers this year, the planter was from my dad and he would ask me each year what i was planting in “little Tommy” each year.  That’s was he called him.  So Tommy is Lesley’s boy, and the flowers were for  his bright red hair, along side purple flowers for my Kira.  So may Tommy shine  brightly today, sprinkling a little something down on his mama today as today is Tommy’s birthday.  Happy birthday to dear Tommy.  Luanne...Kira’s mama

[Tommy's mum]

Happy birthday Tommy!! Forever 24. I love you and miss you every day xxx

[NiquesMom]

Happy birthday Tommy! Hold your mama close today. 

[NiquesMom]

Cates mom: I am 7 months in,  just started a new job where no one knows about nique.  Eventually I will tell them,  but I hate the pity eyes that I get.  

I met the people who tried to save my daughter.  One of them who performed cpr knew how to do it because she used it on her son who passed away.  So I get the double trauma you speak of.  I feel terrible for the people who tried to help her because they have those images forever.  I didn't see her until the hospital,  and that was bad enough. 

Sitting in my car, crying right now,  have to start work in 30 minutes.  Gotta get it together.

Hang in there everyone

[My girl is in heaven]

Hold on virgina. Remember the tide goes in and out all the time. You’ve got a new job, home, new school for Kyle, which I think is so good for you.  You get along, look  those new people in the eye, show them the strong, intelligent woman that they hired and find the ray of light that keeps poking thru for you.  Let us know how the first day of work goes.  Good luck.  

Luanne....Kira’s mama

[Jeff's Mom]

Lesley, I truly hope that today your heart will be filled with all of the memories and special times that you shared with Tommy. May his spirit surround you and give you comfort on this wonderful day that he came into your life as your son.

I absolutely love his ginger hair! Did you know that in the Orient it is a sign that they are blessed by the Gods. 

Kate

[Bea8924]

Happy heavenly birthday Tommy! May your mother be blessed with the strength to push through those hard times and honor you by letting your memory live on.

Niquesmom: when my daughter first passed I was angry at the paramedics. But after putting myself in their shoes I felt bad. I haven't met them but sent a letter to them in hopes that they know I appreciate them for trying to save her life. The letter had her obituary page in case they wanted to know more about her. Maybe they can replace the final image of her with a sweet loving smile photo that she would never fail to take. That's how I would want them to remember her. 

[NiquesMom]

Bea: I never got to meet the paramedics, but on her birthday i took a card with her photo down to the hospital,  thanking everyone for trying to help her. I wrote about her personality,  likes and dislikes,  so they could see who she was when she was alive.  I thank all who try to help, first responders and bystanders.  I know my daughter was surrounded by people who wanted to save her even though they didn't know her. 

[Somersky]

Happy birthday Tommy

[peggy a sad mom]

daniellemom, sorry you needed to come back even though i don't know how long it's been for you. my 44 yr old son passed jan 20th this year. i feel like i will never get better it is such heart ache. god i miss him so much. he was my world and i just can't figure out what my purpose in life is now.

peggy 

[My girl is in heaven]

Margee  Wow , three digits, that’s hot.  We never get three digits in Ontario, and we use Celsius not Fahrenheit anymore, but because I grew up with the Fahrenheit system, I still go by that. What you described about your appearance and the will to pick yourself up, well you just took a page right out of my book.  Seven years ago when Kira died, I was 50.  I did long distance running, went to the gym several times a week.  I was in the best shape of my life. I was thin, fit, had beautiful clothes, did my hair and make up all the time and several people told me I liked younger than my age.  Then June 19, 2011, myprecious girl died and I fell completely off the cliff.  Up until six months ago, I had gained 50 Lbs.  I layed on the couch, day and night, I never went and got my hair coloured or cut. I wore xxxl large track pants and a big baggy t shirt all the time, never even changed into Pjs . I had case of pop beside the couch, chips, chocolate, ordered out all the time, that’s before I went thru a stage of not eating at all.  As gross as this sounds, I would not shower, sometimes up to two weeks.  Besides from not caring, my daughter died in the shower, so I didn’t want to think what her last minutes were like, even though the dr assured me she didn’t suffer.  And shaving yeah, what’s that.  I got fired from my job of 29 years.  And had a dr who had me on so many pills I was doped up all the time.  Somebody asked me when the last time I moved cause I was glued to the couch.  And my two sons witnessed all of this.  And it has taken me 6 1/2 years before I said to myself “what are you doing”?  When we neglect ourselves it is just a form of punishing ourselves, why should we take care of ourselves when are kids are gone.  What’s the use?  It’s like when we turn to booze , drugs, suicide attempts, what ever we can to punish ourselves.  But please take it from someone who just thru away 6 1/2years  of thier life.  Self punishment does not bring them back.  It doesn’t make you a better griever, or that you loved your child more because you punish yourself.  It just doesn’t.  I have lost about 30 lbs since March, still have some to go.  Joined a gym, got a pedicure for the first time in my life, I get my hair coloured every 5 weeks, have bought a lot of new clothes now I am thinner.   And when I do those things I often think Kira should be doing these things with me.  But I know she wouldn’t and neither would your Jason want to see thier mamas punishing themselves.  Got get your hair done, look to the heavens and ask Jason , how do I look sweet boy.  Shave those legs, go by something pretty to wear.  Please don’t sit in that pit of self punishment and depression for years like I did.  It doesn’t mean you don’t have down days, cause you will.  But grab hold of things that make you feel better.  You so deserve it. You were a good mom and your Jason knew that.  Hugs 

 

Luanne....Kira’s mana

[Missing my little man]

Happy birthday Tommy.

[My girl is in heaven]

Virginia.  Glad your job is going well. When I went back to work a new girl was hired and at the break table, she went around the table asking everyone how many kids they had,  I saw the other girls nervously looking at me wondering what I was going to say, so I got up and left before she got to me,  you begin to know who, what and when you feel comfortable sharing your story. 

Bea.  I never personally talked to those trying to save my daughter.  I knew when I pulled her out of the tub, she was gone , but of course they still try. I did put a thank you in the paper, but just couldn’t bear to hunt them all down individually.  

Stephanie.  How are you doing? 

 

[My girl is in heaven]

Susan.  May your boy sprinkle a little something on his mama today, on this his angel day,..I remember the pictures of him on the beach with his brother you posted...so do you guys show veto John David’s picture, so that would be his great uncle? I guess from your pictures and posts I always think of John David near the water, but where ever he is today,  it will be right by his mamas side.  Hugs to you and all your family today.  

Luanne....Kira’s mama

[My girl is in heaven]

Missing my little man.  How are things going for you. Your still so raw and fresh to your grieve.  What can we help you with, just ask and we are all here for you.  

Stephanie and bea.   How are you two coming along.  Let us know what’s going on in your lives.  

Peggy, yes dear, you will get better.  You never “get over it” like other people think.  There are no time lines for anything. Sometimes so subtle or gradual you hardly notice, but those pin holes of light will poke thru every now and again. One day that stealy, tight, grip of grief will begin to lessen off just a little.  Your Ron, or do you call him Ronnie?, he’s ok now Peggy.  Remember time in heaven is not measured in days, weeks, years, like here on earth, it is eternity and our kids will be waiting for us when our name is called.  But til then remember this:

When love is lost, do not bow your head in sadness, instead keep your head up high and gaze into heaven for that is where your broken heart has been sent to heal. 

 

Luanne.....Kira’s mama

[Bea8924]

I'm not one to be on social media much but lately I have gone on it and it's nothing but bad news. The sister of a friend of mine just suffered a brain aneurysm and she's in a coma and not sure if she will make it and a friend just announced her parent friends suffered the loss of a infant child (10month old) I told her to express to the parents that if there's anyway I can help, that I would. I don't know how blind I was to all of this misfortune, bad news, and death since before the passing of my daughter. I feel like I lived in my own bubble of happiness and now the cruel reality smacked me in the face. I just wouldn't want anyone to suffer a loss after experiencing my own. It's a pain I don't wish on anyone. 

As far as my progress, it's going. I expressed once that I was feeling numb to all emotions and I think I'm coming to a point where my behavior and emotions match up. The last few days I have missed Nezzy and have had the ability to shed tears and cry. Let it all out. Still no cause of death and were coming up on the 90day mark on the 14th of Aug. I'm nervous to find out. The guilt still creeps up on me and I do my best to shake it off. The guilt of wishing I knew more, wishing I recognize some warning signs, and wishing I just got her help sooner. I still feel like a failed for caring for her when she needed me. But writting the emotions down in my journal helps me get rid of those negative thoughts.

My husband and I are still going to counseling. 3 sessions so far and it seems to help. But not so much for him. He thinks the therapist is already telling him stuff he knows. I'm not gonna make him go of he doesn't want to. But he has been supportive for me and I appreciate that. I plan to start a support group in September with other parents who also have loss of a  child. My husband is looking for a male's perspective. But it seems online it's just mom's. That doesn't start till Sept 16. September 4th is Nezzy's 5th birthday. First heavenly birthday, not sure what that day will be like but we shall see. But all I know is I'm a need all the support I can after that day. 

[MargeeTx]

I think people think I crazy, ad that is just fine with me.  Yo-yo's family decided on a strictly family service,and I totally understand.  Even though I am 67, I can count on 2 hands the number of funerals I have attended. I just don't do very well with them.  A lot of my previous hospice peers were upset about this.  

I am getting ready for my afternoon escape nap.   I have dinner almost cooked so that will please Mike... he really appreciates when I come out of the gloom and cook.

luanne- thank you for your advice.... I am going to really make a small step everyday.... I think that is all I can do.

thanks  everyone for being here.  When I am reading and/or posting, I feel the REAL caring.

[donnamaria]

my heart goes out to all of us here all losing our children so many different ages so many different circumstances all trying to make it through the day all of us wanting close our eyes and waking up like this is all just a nightmare oh i wish for all of this that it was a bad dream but its not so we try to find things to do to pass the day or we do nothing some days we wait for phone calls or texts other times we dont give a damn we cry we scream we yell get down on our knees and ask why we have every emotion known to man and what we went most in this world is to hold them and never let them go and tell them how very much we love them oh how i love and miss my son 

[peggy a sad mom]

thanks luanne yet again you are always there for me.

peggy

[ericasmom]

Peggy, finding purpose again is a long fought endeavor, often coming to those when they least expect it...there will be something that captures your attention and then your energy but  you are new to this grief, even though it feels like a million years, so it may take a bit of time before purpose is clear, and if does not become clear to you, you may have to go find it, volunteer at a soup kitchen, or read at a school or deliver meals on wheels, something that is helpful to those in need is often what makes us realize that we can change lives in small but meaningful ways. And that can be healing for you.

Bea, yes, sometimes we become hyper-aware of the pain of others after we suffer through loss. It can be quite heavy so limit some of what you read. I am glad for your continuing therapy sessions. Nezzy's 5th birthday is going to probably make you both ache an awful lot, so hard to go through those dates that should only bring joy...but knowing that you are going to start up a support group is a gift to so many in Nezzy's name.

Danielle's mom, it is amazing to see you back, I have had out of town company so I have only breezed through the last few days and have not had time to fully read, so just know I am glad to see your Daughter's beautiful smile again.

[ericasmom]

JOHN DAVID! You are so dearly missed sweet man...please surround your big loving family and group of friends and let them feel your presence on this sad date...let them know that you are flying freely and that you will always be near...especially that Mom of yours, sit on her shoulder and let her rest in your peace.

[My girl is in heaven]

Donna Marie.  Yes it is definitely every emotion known to man kind. I would get to the point where I would think how I can feel anything more, how could I grieve any deeper, cry any more, or punish myself with guilt anymore.  Eventually you just tell yourself, I have turned myself inside and out, I have nothing left to give or feel....I’m on empty.  but still god doesn’t bring them back, but remember he keeps them in his loving care and we will hold them again one day. 

Bea. I always thought I had compassion for others before Kira died, but now I think I remember seeing all the bad things , child loss on the news.  I would think how sad, but now I know , it’s not just a news story, or only happens in the seedy part of the big cities.  Now I know there are parents, siblings, family and friends behind every headline.  Now my heart just sinks when I hear of these tragedies cause I know exactly what those parents are feeling and then wonder if any of them will come here.  Yes all the guilt, what ifs, why’s and nobody can tell you not to feel that way right now.  Cause you will.  But you know deep down , as god does, you did everything you could  for Nezzy.  You would have moved a mountain to save her as all of us would have.  In time those thoughts will mostly fade away and it will become more all the funny, silly cute dorable things she did and say how she lived her life.  But hold on, it takes time

Stephanie....how are you doing friend? 

 

Luanne.....Kira’s mama

 

 

 

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

For Susan, I found this image of John David and included it as well. Holding your hand today.

 

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Cate's mom, thank you for sharing the pictures of your daughter and for sharing her story. 

I am sending gentle thoughts to all tonight...I am so very tired, yesterday was Jesse's birthday and today my husband retired. Next week is my infant son's angelversary. 

 

[ericasmom]

I hope that you can rest Laurie, deep deep sleep waking feeling some strength to replace the exhaustion.

[Missing my little man]

It's just never ends for me, and it hurts so much. Can't sleep, can't eat.

[Tommy's mum]

john David you are always missed and loved send a sign to your loving family. Sorry I missed the date I was still recovering from my son's spiritual birthday.

So Tommy's birthday has come and gone for another year. Funny how your mood slips before and how exhausted you feel after. Must be the release of emotions. I spent the day alone (my choice) puttering around my garden and reminiscing over past memories, then took a bouquet of home grown flowers and spent some alone time with him in my special place before going home. For me my son's birthday is a mix of sadness and happiness, the angel date the most terrible day in the year where there are no happy memories at all. I remembered being pregnant and giving birth to him, him as a baby and toddler etc and growing up. I looked at a few old photos I have on my computer I cannot yet face going through old photo albums and just thought about his place in our family being the first born and eldest son and a big brother to his 3 siblings. It was a day of sadness reflections and memories all healing in their own way. Does not stop you missing your child and wishing they were still here and all the events that have happened that he could not be present for but that date is gone for another year and I have to get all my strength up for his angel date on the 16th. Having both birthday and angel date in the same month is incredibly wearing and emotional the month slips by while I am in a kind of emotional fog but then I regather myself for life ahead. For all who have a spiritual birthday coming up I advise doing what you feel is right. It can change every year or become an annual ritual, you can spend it alone or with family/friends there is no rule as to how you mark that day. personally I like the idea of planting a tree or scattering wildflower seeds in an area so that life goes on and others benefit but giving a gift to a charity is also a good idea I do that at Xmas for a homeless charity in my son's name.Lighting a candle is very soothing or making their favourite meal or cake. I always have a drink and toast my son on his birthday. There are lots of suggestions on the internet to help those who need some ideas to make it through the day and i know there are a lot of our members who have not yet been through that day as they are still in the first year. However you do it know you and your child are thought about by us every year, never forgotten, and that is a rich blessing.

[My girl is in heaven]

Beautiful picture of John David, like he’s gazing down from heaven, with that little smile as if to say “I’m ok mom”.  

Beautiful quotes Lesley.  It must be difficult to muster up all your strength and courage to get thru Tommy’s birthday, only to barely catch  your breathe and have his angel date slung at you. No matter when they fall, they are our two tuffest days of the year for sure. Kira’s are January and June  . As soon as Christmas is over, which in itself is difficult enough, I feel it start to build everyday til her January 21st birthday. And then of course we all know the before days are probably harder then that day. Even if you do decide to spend these days alone, you’ll have so many sets of arms around you.   

Laurie.  So many dates to deal with all at once.  R u retired too.do you have any plans to travel.  After what we have had to bear, we deserve a little enjoyment and relaxation in our lives.

Missing my little man.  I know even the basics of life are difficult right now.  Just to breathe.  Everyone is no doubt telling you you have to eat something, drink plenty of water, rest, blah, blah, blah.  Well  intended but they aren’t standing in your shoes.   You have to ask yourself can I get thru the next day, don’t think anything beyond a day.  If you say no I can’t, then  take the next hour , and just handle that sometimes you can only take a minute and deal with that. But whether it is a day, hour or minute, there will be another one after that one, and another one after that.  Little tiny baby steps at first. Grief has to be faced head on, no side stepping it, I know I tried for several years. If there were a fast forward button I would press it for your dear and skip you over to the days where you can feel the sun shining on your face again or take a little bit of pleasure in the simple things.  First few times I smiled, I grabbed my mouth, and thought how could I.  Be kind to yourself as you are doing things in a way and time that is right for you.  And remember , you never are walking alone .  All of us are here with you every step of the way. If you ever want to email I am ltaylor50@rogers.com or if you want to chat on the phone, I can do that too.  Feel free to reach out any way you want.  Hugs.

Luanne.....Kira’s mama.  

 

Luanne.....Kira’s mama

 

 

 

[ericasmom]

All we can give is our ear and our shoulder and our support, this is the...THEE most painful walk of your lives, the first year of grief, the second is not smooth, but it lends some perspective, so hang on because your Kids want you to be here, to carry them forward into the world that they did not get to hang out in. Shine their light and know that you will always be their Mom...or Dad. And while this does little to help you through the long hours of a day in grief, know that one day these ideas will ring true in your spirits.

[Tommy's mum]

missinglittleman luanne is right you cannot fast forward grief you have to go through it painful as it is and allow yourself to grieve fully and not shut it down inside else it gets trapped and comes out again later on. Any tiny thing that brings a small smile or bring a little happiness no matter how brief allow yourself that. It has to counteract the sadness so there are small glimpses of lightness. maybe try a hobby or take up something you enjoyed years before. It may be just enjoying a nice cup of coffee or watching a sunset or losing yourself in a tv show or a game, just something to pass a little time and give your aching heart a tiny respite.

jaelynn sunshine princess, brendansdad, and donnamaria you have been lying low for a while are you doing ok? I struggle to remember everyone's names/screen names but I know when there is silence for a while it means someone is having a difficult time fighting their personal demons and no one needs to be alone, we are all here to listen to your thoughts and feelings ok? Everyone has to believe they are stronger than they think ,each day is a small success, getting out of bed and breathing are successes.

[Mermaid Tears]

Hello my sweet and dear friends....sorry I have not posted...no trouble with the site...just our internet connection....very frustrating to write a post and then wham...losing connection...hopefully all is good now.....

My heart is filled with gratitude for the support and sustaining care from each of you....some have been with me through every year of my grief journey...and I can truthfully say that each of you have made my path easier to travel ....

This year....for John David's Angel date....we did not get to gather at Port 'A' as we have.....this is simply due to the fact of schedules...kids having to be 'here or there'....camps...college fish days....and my adult children are busy fulfilling what they have to do for their families....I have learned that being adaptable to change...or change of plans or simply accepting facts and keeping everyone in focus....and respecting what their duties are keeps the family circle stronger. We tried 50 ways since Sunday to try to fit everyone's schedule and 'have to do' agendas in to arrange a 'good time'....and there....was the brick wall. So....we are going to have a family gathering next week-end.....once again I am reminded of what my Grama said....'people make too much of a fuss about 'there being only one day'....I have a great story behind that...I will share it with all later.

I am filled with blessings. After reading what some have to endure with their complicated or simply 'hateful' families they have to live with....I am surrounded by my amazing and loving children and grandchildren....my siblings...cousins...and friends....I also have a circle of people that I have known for years that give me such a cushion. I sometimes read what some parents have to deal with...and their deep grief and wish I could share some of what I have....

I also have John David's friends....buddies...old girlfriends...that have been a part of our family for years....and they reach out and touch me...call me...

Where some parents have to deal with the fact that they feel as if their child has been forgotten....I am sustained with their memories...and let me know he is still in their hearts and thoughts....yes...I am blessed.

John David would be the first to say....'take care of the children first'....and I am blessed that my children do take care of their children and all responsibilities in caring for their families.

This is our 6th Angel date....hard for me to conceive that 6 years have passed....

I will not sugar coat my journey.....the first 3 years were....so very painful, raw, dark and heavy. When I found this site...I was relieved to know...I was not going crazy...I was just in deep mourning. There were days and nights when I could barely breathe....it felt like coming up for air for a drowning person.....and there were times I was hit with such physical pain I would be knocked to my knees. I know that sounds dramatic...but very true. Insomnia was the most hateful part of my grief. I truly felt like I was in a foreign land...in a second...my world as I knew it was shattered...and I did not know how to put it back together. It was like 'hell on earth'.....and then I looked around and knew that I would have to gather enough energy to bring my living children and me and Daniel into a circle where we could grieve and help each other ...that is where all the parents on this site helped me to do....a little wisdom here and there....allowed me to fashion a path around our broken hearts and we learned to heal together.

I also learned that at the end of the 3rd year....going into the 4th year....I would have to 'ALLOW' healing to come into my heart and spirit.....and as a family....we would have to allow healing to come to our family. Dee wrote and posted a poem that seemed to sum up what it felt like to transition from deep grief into opening the door to healing. I will post it. We survived. My family is thriving. For me it seems as if some form of sacred osmosis has John David in every part of my being and spirit....and he is shining through his sister and brothers....and nieces and nephews. It is easy to say his name....share a story....remember a 'funny'....and to recall some very sweet memories....it is like getting a gift....from the heavens....and from him....saying 'all is ok'....and knowing it true deep in my heart.

[mysonrich]

Hello Indigos, it's been awhile since I last paid a visit. I see a few names that have journeyed along side me, almost 10 years since Richie left us. I see many new names of your lovely children and I am sorry .  A lot of things change and many stay the same. As Dee and others have said, life will get softer,  you will smile again . There will always be the heart ache but it won't be as immobilizing . There will be days when you just feel the world and people are too abrasive. During the darker days ,for me it's just best to spend my time alone. Sometimes busy. Sometimes not. Things that have changed. My daughter Sarah. Rich was her only sibling. Well ! She was married to a wonderful young man a few weeks ago. During the ceremony Rich's name was said out loud as was the father of the groom.   What was remarkable to me was the call of a hawk just as Richie s name was mentioned. And he was rather loud. I scanned the sky and the trees but didn't see him. You see, while sitting on my dec k in the middle of January shorty after Rich died i  was joined by a young hawk not 15 feet away. Yes,in the middle of winter. I asked my aunt if she heard him because I felt surely my mind was now completely gone. But, she did hear him. So  as I told Sarah, Rich was there. I am happy that my daughter has found happiness. I take comfort in this. And yes Dee, she is still teaching. May we all continue to find comfort as we travel this rocky road. 

[Mermaid Tears]

Altering

 

I must shift the load I carry,

I will one day hold it like a jewel,

the jewel of my Child,

he/she isn't heavy,

but the missing is.

 

Nothing would ever feel so cumbersome.

I will feel the load shift when I hold it differently,

when I learn to allow my memory to carve a cradle in which to rock,

and when I teach my heart to beat to the sound of my love again,

and when I realize that the wind on my face, the moon in the sky are gifts from heaven,

and when I see that the seasons changing are still a miraculous event,

and when I hear my Dear Child whisper to me in my dreams,

 that all is well,

then that load will shift and I will wear her/him like the jewel that they will always be.

this is a poem written by Dee that expresses how I felt when allowing healing to come...

 

[Missing my little man]

Thanks kira mom and Erica mom. This site has been soo kind to me. Everyone here is soo supportive of me thanks soo much. Knowing that I'm not alone has been comforting. I am also sad for everyone else that are going the same thing.

[My girl is in heaven]

Mom to Cate.  How are you doing. You still getting any little signs from your girl.  The more open you are to them, the more you’ll find them.  I can’t help but wonder what kind of magic wonderfullness Kira, Cate, Erica, Kiona, Nique, the two little ones Nezzy and Jaelynn, and all our other angels are getting up to on a warm summer day in heaven.  But all those little lights shone so brightly here on earth although for a short time, that I  can’t help but think heaven must be illuminated with thier presence.  

Stephanie.  Haven’t heard from you in awhile. Let us know how things are going on your end,  remember you got dozens of arms around your shoulder here.  

Bea...what’s up with you and your family.  How are you managing? Let us know. 

 

Susan.  Love your quotes and pictures.  Thanks for sharing.  

 

My son rich.  Glad you heard the hawk.  Truly a sign your boy is now soaring.  Take care. 

 

Luanne...Kira’s mama

 

 

[ericasmom]

Oh Susan, I am so very touched that my poem helped you and that you shared it, I feel very much as you so aptly stated: that I feel the gift of knowing Eri is well and fine, and that gifts abound as she is in everything we do. It is good to know how you spent this holy time, and that like me, you are constantly reminded by how many people hold your Dear Child close.

Betsy, oh my goodness it has been ages and I am thrilled to see you. I am thrilled to know that a hawk, that Rich, was nearby letting you know in his wonderful way, that he was present at his Sister's wedding. And I am so very glad that your Girl is happily joined with a nice person adn that she continues to teach. Wow, things do change. Funny, I was just telling another teacher that I try to base all of my teaching on this tenant: Stability and Change, all things share these traits. When we look at anything from basic to complex, we see what of it has remained, and what has changed. Important connections can be made in this. I am beyond happy to see your beautiful Boy smiling out at the world. I remember the hawk sightings and calls from your early days in grief. 

[Tommy's mum]

susan lovely words it is true you have to allow healing into your heart and that can take several years. grief makes us insular and a little bit selfish. It makes us believe we are the only ones who feel that raw pain but that is not true. Others feel it too but just remember in different ways. some of us post others do things more inwardly or privately. Everyone in a family is affected by the loss of a child but different generations express it in their own way often due to their upbringing or personal experiences. My family are typical Brits quite stiff upper lip and of the mind that you just have to make up your mind and do it. I am more sensitive and having lived in America for 18years more open. I accept our differences and allow each person to grieve in their own way even if it is not the way I do, that is ok. Forgiveness is also healing but not for everyone. just know each year without our child we learn. We learn how to be, how to hold ourselves together, how to accept things that are unfair or unjust, and we learn to live in a forever different world. my son's birthday and angel date are in the same month so August is a tough one to get through, but I know i will continue to learn and adjust. Each one of your stories touch my heart deeply. I feel for you and sorrow alongside you and hope that i can help someone along the way. we can monitor our own progress by reading our older posts or by remembering when a newbie posts how we felt at that same timescale and how we feel today. Progress feels painfully slow and there are times everyone wants to just quit and say "I can't do this anymore" but then you make it another day and another and so on. Life can be short as we are painfully aware, so keep on going, share with us any insights or successes and also the sad times and know that each one of you are cared for and supported by an invisible network of friends on this forum.

[donnamaria]

Before Victor passed i made plans to really go through the house and get things done so thats what ive decided to do i think it would make him happy seeing im trying to do this so today i did the room off the kitchen im washing my moms clothes gonna pack them and donate them then gonna call and have them pick up her bed so thats one room done each day im gonna try and work on something even if its something small 

[ericasmom]

Donnamaria, I hope you go to bed this night and feel the kind of tired that comes with having completed something, that satisfied feeling of tired. I hope you sleep deeply and know that Victor will be so proud of you, and you will be proud of your steps too, to actually do the work you set out to do prior to this terrible sadness. Good going Girl. Keep us posted as to how you are doing with your plans. I love that you will donate your Mom's things, it is the very best way to help someone out while making space in your home.

Well said Lesley and Susan, so proud of the people I get to share this space with.

[PieceofCate]

Luanne, thank you so much for checking in with me. I draw strength from every single post here. I am in no position right now to give any words of wisdom. I know our girls are watching over us and I believe Cate led me to this place for so many reasons. I had a bad week of flashbacks and panic so my late night crying sessions brought no signs of my girl. I’m trying to calm down. Idk why visions of the accident scene are haunting me more now than usual. Also replaying the moment we told her fiancé and the sound of his primal screams are in my head constantly lately. Maybe because I have been writing letters to politicians and dept of public safety/ turnpike etc. to lobby for median barriers. Draws the incident to the surface? 

Comfort eludes me for the most part but I feel understood here. And I know that each of you care for each other. It’s a gift. I love every one of you. 

[PieceofCate]

I got my first response after all the letters and calls. I do not confuse hope with expectations but I will allow myself to feel hopeful for now. 

Peace and love to you all 

[Mermaid Tears]

Michele...we lost our beloved boy in 2012......and all that you are experiencing...is sadly....very Normal in this stage of grief. This kind of grief is dark..heavy...hateful...raw and grief is exhausting. It seems as if we have an ongoing movie that runs in the background and we are shattered with the scenes. Please be very kind and gentle with yourself...and with others....and from what all I have read in your posts....you are taking care of yourself and family as well as can be expected. Insomnia was the most hateful and horrendous part of my grief. None of us have any magical words...to share....we only have our deep and caring compassion for all the parents. I applaud you for reaching out to find answers or letting some light shine on a problem/problems that need to be addressed. Even baby steps are better than none. Just come here and know you are understood...and you can share what ever you want with all of us...we are here to hear you.

[NiquesMom]

I am starting to feel like I am running on empty. I cannot escape myself,  can't get away from the thoughts in my head.  Try to be grateful for what I have,  but I am tired. My sister posted on fb about how sad she is because her dog died.  I understand she loved  the dog but I am having a hard time feeling sad for her.  I lost my daughter.  And that in turn makes me feel like a bad person,  for not feeling bad. 

[ericasmom]

Virginia, we have all felt similarly as to how you are responding or not, to your sister's sadness. Yes, we miss our pets when they die, but no, it does not seem like a big deal when we have recently lost a child. I do believe it is a normal response for what  you are going through. Now, we do have to remember sometimes, or remind ourselves, that all things are relative, so to your Sis right now, she is sad, it does not mean you have to be sad too. I had to tell folks early on, that they are to talk to me about their lives, that all things are relative, so that big things in their lives should still be discussed...even when I am in deep grief, because if they didn't, well then I would have lost my daily connection with them, which I knew could happen and I didn 't want it to. So sometimes we listen to things that do not affect our hearts but we share the news and stay involved somewhat because life still is happening all around us, even when our lives are messed up. Running on empty sounds about right, you have just moved your family and started a new job all within your early grief...that my dear, is huge. Be kind to yourself, this is big stuff you are going through. We cant' get out of our heads I know, eventually you will, but most of us were the same in that same time period of loss. How is the new job so far? How is your sweet Boy doing?

Cate, you are at the time in your grief timeline that found me having a very hard time, with reliving the same things, the last phone call, the phone call 30 minutes later letting me know my Girl was in an accident, the long drive to Michigan, the 6 days of watching my Girl hooked up to machines, walking her many friends into her trauma room to say goodbye, pulling the machines on the 6th day...all of it kept repeating as though on a looped video. I went for help with that...I learned some useful ways to divert some of that but also to acknowledge that the first layer of shock had worn away, and therefore the pain was more acute. There are several layers of shock, which protect us in the beginning in order for us to get through what has to get done: funerals, paperwork, all the business of death. Now you are finding ways to try to secure the roadway to protect others and what better way to honor your Girl. I am glad taht you received a response and I do so hope it continues. We take our steps to try to find ways to live anew, as this is a new life, this life without our Child.

[MiasMommyForever]

Hello everyone, I found the site again and so glad i did. Ive been reading back a few pages and shouldn't have left.. i forgot how much this site can help me, even though I cry the entire time I'm here. Its been 14 1/2 months since my Mia went to heaven, and i swear, lately it feels so much worse than ever. I don't know how i made it this long without her. There hasnt been one day without tears, though i have to hide them from hubby and my 2 boys, now 8 and my little one just turned 5 this month. It was a hard birthday because he kept saying how much me misses her and kept reminding me that she was 5 when she died. Ive been having bad insomnia starting right before her first Angel date (which was may 25) and its getting pretty bad. I just wanna sleep all day but can't.. its summer vacation and my boys need me, dads at work all day. I want to thank Tommys Mom and Mermaid Tears for the wonderful advice you gave me last september when i joined the site. I still havent gone to a support group, but try ever 1st and 3rd monday when they meet, yet something always comes up, or i dont want to ask my husband to watch the kids so i can go. Everyone still has a hard time seeing her picture everyday, so i still cant hang any up. It kills my heart. If it were up to me I'd wear her on my shirt everyday.  Every single day. But i cant. Its so hard to be strong for everyone else when im such a mess. Its like im a fake person. Im an actress in my own life. It makes me feel like a liar to my own family. If i accidentally cry, everyone always asks why im sad..I cant stand it! It makes me so angry. They know why im sad.. how can they even ask such a thing?? Im forever sad, because i lost my only girl, my mini me, my best friend. The perfect girl i always prayed for and wanted since i was a little girl. I miss her so so much. I feel guilty sometimes when i think of her last month with me, the cancer finally taking her but i was in denial and couldnt see i was losing her. I never thought God would let me be without her. My faith somehow blinded me, made me feel like it couldnt happen to me, like a miracle would come any day.

I love you all. Youre the only people who will ever understand me. I wish this never happened to us.

WHEW, glad i got some of that out, thanks for listening.

[Tommy's mum]

miasmommy I am glad you are back. Sometimes people take a break and that is ok but are often drawn back because this forum absolutely understands grief and actually talks about it instead of putting on a fake front. We also encourage parents to talk about their child and show pictures or tell us how you memorialise them. We talk about our children when often family and friends cannot. I am the same I want to talk about Tommy and remember things he did or said and i do just that. I get that not hanging up her picture is upsetting and I suggest having a family meeting about that. You do not want to deny your precious daughter's existence, you do not want to airbrush her out of your home. I think you need to explain to your husband and boys that you are proud of Mia and want to have some photos of her around. Start with just a small one in your bedroom so that you have her little face to blow a kiss to at night and to give you strength to get up each morning. Then quietly put one up wherever you normally display family photos and  explain to the boys that Mia is there if ever they want to just say hi to her. I have one small shelf in my family room that has some photos and special things of Tommy's on it. My daughter calls it a shrine but it is not that it just is my personal space, and i also have a photo in my bedroom. It is important that you do what feels right for you in order to grieve appropriately for your Mia. Stopping yourself because others are uncomfortable is not ok and not good for your mental wellbeing. You may need to do things for Mia on your own at first (send her up a single balloon with a message, plant a tree or flower, drop a poem in a bottle in the sea) but hopefully as family see you are coping they may join you. Mia is still a very precious part of your family and always will be and you should be able to have pictures in your home and purse the same as any mother would do for her children. The anger you feel is because you feel denied and that is ok too, as time goes by and you explore how you feel and the reasons why you feel emotions you will work through them. Do you have a therapist or counsellor? I ask because that is much easier to go to than a group of people which can feel very overwhelming at first. support groups are really good but not for everyone. Our forum here is perfect for people like me who struggle to leave the house or talk to new people, it offers an opportunity to share and to receive information and get support.

virginia it is ok to feel empty. Anyone would feel that way as all the prep for moving and the excitement is like going on a vacation, and now you are there, and this is where your new life will be and you kind of get a dose of reality, whereas before it was like an adventure. That is normal as you settle into your new community and school and jobs it will feel strange at first and a bit scary and overwhelming, but then it will become familiar and your new normal. As for your sister's dog that is very sad as pets are often like children to us so just give her a hug and say you are sorry then go home punch a cushion and yell "it was just a damn dog I lost my daughter" and let out some anger frustration and sadness.

pieceofcate if you are able to make changes so the highway is safer that is incredible. The people in charge know what you are suggesting is definitely a good thing and possible it just comes down to MONEY and BUDGETS which should not matter when it is about lives. I really hope your story sways them and you can feel better knowing you have saved other families from the pain of losing their child. On my son's angel date I email the college of Oahu with a photo of my Tommy and a plea to install window locks on the dorm rooms. I do it to remind them every year of their part in my son's death and to prick their conscience for a couple minutes and hope one day the locks will become a reality. Maybe it just wont happen but I sure as hell will try.

donnamaria i sense a small sign of strength coming back to you, a determination to make yourself acheive something small and get back control in your life. That is excellent you are doing really well small steps friend small steps...

[daveydow1]

pieceof cate------I am sorry for your loss of your dear daughter.  Being so early on

this journey, it is so understandable that you are in such a dark place.  Please come

back to this site.....you will find a lot of understanding here.  Sometimes, others have

said that it is understanding that they have not really found elsewhere. Thank you for

posting the pic of your daughter....she's beautiful.   Peace to you.

 

Virginia-----I, so, know what you mean about how it is impossible to try to escape

thoughts and the pain that goes with those thoughts.  While memories can be

sorrowful, I know......they are the memories of our precious children.....no one can

take them from us.   May you find comfort in memories of your sweet Nique.  

 

Miasmom----I'm glad that you found your way back to this site.  Everyone here can

read/post as they feel they want to.  Most of us have had periods where we felt we

wanted to step back for awhile, and return later.  This is perfectly fine.  No pressure

or rules to follow.  We follow our hearts.  Glad to have you back.

 

Donnamarie-----I agree that you are making  steps on this road.  We  may think

that we are only taking small steps, but for the parent with a broken heart and pain,

the steps are still significant.  Everyone must progress at their own pace.....no "rule book"

for how we progress. It has been 15 yrs. for me on this road....(and decades since my baby,

Lisa died), and there are still things that need my attention regarding the type of tasks that

you have accomplished.  Wishing you comfort.

 

PEACE    AND   TRANQUILITY   TO  ALL  INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom------sherry

   

[andy88]

Hello friends, old and new. I like to stop by every now and then to just say hello. I sadly welcome all the new parents. You are not alone. For those who don't know, I lost my son Andy in 2011. It's nearing what would have been his 30th birthday. How can that be? I somehow found my way through the hellish grief and have gone on to have a fulfilling life. I miss him every day and I strive to leave him a legacy of helping others through me. It has saved me. Some of you are not at that point yet, and that is to be expected. Just wanted to send a hug to everyone. I wish you peace, and to my older friends who got me through the early days, love and thank you!!!

 

Love,

Pam

[Tinay]

Hi. I just read in the news a 19 year old lost his life last night in a one vehicle roll over. Not sure if I or my son knew him yet. Either way, when time is right, if there ever is one, I will reach out. 

I've applied for a second job. It's as a communication offer (911 dispatch.). Man that questionnaire is extensive. Hopefully I'll get an interview. 

Other than that, I'm doing the same. Holding on. Trying to make sure to be there for my son. Trying to find purpose. It's like I'm back at the beginning again. 

Peace and love to all

Tina