Loss of an Adult Child

[Suzie1228]

Thank you for wishing  Brad happy birthday in heaven. I missed him terribly but did a few things for myself and had a good day. Sometimes I feel guilty for having many good day lately, especially since he has not been gone very long, 4 months yesterday. I just think about him and smile knowing that he is really with me every day. A friend was worried about me because she was afraid that I was holding all this in, but I assured her I was fine and instead of mourning Brads death I celebrate his life every day and the wonderful 43 years that I had him. His spirit is all around me and although I cry sometimes and even go outside and yell sometimes, I am mostly at peace. I know his spirit soars and he feels no pain or sorrow. He watches over me and sometimes sends me signs that all is well and he will be here to comfort me if I need him. A few months before he died he told me he wanted to help me on the farm and take care of me as I got older, and guess what, Brad is still keeping his promise even after the death of his body.

Thinking of all of you who have lost their precious children and wishing you all peace.

 

 

[Suzie1228]

 

Picture of Brad, I miss him every day.

[Mermaid Tears]

Eileen....I copied that....very moving....and should move every Mama' heart...

  I realized some time ago....that even though I have this painful grief....I would still want my John David...it is a good thing I cannot foretell the future....but I still want that baby boy that was placed in my arms and heart...and I will survive this grief by knowing I was blessed to have my SONshine boy...

 

crying in the car seems to be something that is very common....maybe because we feel we are in a compact isolated space...it was in the car that I would and still do....call his name.....John David....just as when he was little and out playing...and I was calling him 'home'.....I still try to call him 'home'....

     It was when I joined this site....that the parents on here gave me my permission....to 'cocoon'....I had that instinct....just didn't quite know how to drop out...or if I 'should'....so....I did....and that was the best thing for me....

   so.....just learn to politely say...'Not at this time'....'No Thank you'.....you do not need to offer an explanation to anyone...if they press you....simply say ...'I will take a raincheck'....for those that have not lost a child....they simply cannot understand the dark grief.....especially in the first two years.....

   I still 'cocoon' to a certain extent..but....that is part of my changing in this 'new normal' life....once again...I will remind you...you are the 'star' of your movie....

   thank you for the compliments on the signs.....I had such a dread for the holidays...I knew I had to have something to keep my hands busy so I would not slip into a real dark down mood....

 

 

Suzie....love that photo of your SONshine boy.....and yes.....he is with you....and not one parent should ever feel guilty for having good days.....I think it means you feel him close by....and that is what he wants....and for you to have that 'comfort in spirit'.....

 

Gretchen....I got 'goosebumps' when I read the story of the dollar bill and saw the photo...amazing....what a priceless treasure for a Mama to get.....

 

Kate....I had a friend that had many trips to the ER with great pain from gallstones...she finally had surgery...and was great...I asked her why she took so long....and she said she thought her body would heal by itself....at least they know what is wrong...and how to fix it....and that is a blessing.....so....now is the time to 'eat chocolates and read books'....but I love Netflix....saw a documentary about J.D. Salinger that was great....be a good girl....and take it easy.

 

Laurie....I got a Kindle as a gift....I am a book lover and love to hold..turn pages...but....once you get used to it...it is great...very light and portable...and I do not have my hugical houses anymore...so space is limited...and I love the light...one can read without a bedside lamp...

[ericasmom]

Suzie, we are all very different in our grief and I am glad that right now, you are feeling the peace that your Son is sending you. I was very much like you, I struggled of course, especially that first and second year, and I struggle still at times but I mostly know that Erica is peaceful, that she is far better than fine. While I will miss her presence here for all of time, I know of her reach  and her peace and that is a gift to be sure. Thank you for sharing his photo with us.

 

Eileen, I echo what others here have said, your new to this very rocky road, many folks don't like to go out or hang out with friends at this point in grief. It is hard to hold a conversation...we need to talk about our Child where others need to step around the subject because they don't know how to talk about the Child who left so soon. I think that when we give them the tools to do so, we find that we are able to be comfortable around certain folks. Those that could not handle talk about Erica after she died, were folks that I did not want to be around. It was a huge 'weeding' out of people. I no longer had time or energy for that. So those that I have continued a friendship with, are my true friends.

If you can tell your friend that at this point in time, you really do not feel able to hang out, but in time hope to. And maybe you can meet her on some of your terms...you see, I think that when we lose a Child, all of the control is taken out of our lives, or perceived control, and so after this, we need to have a say so in things that perhaps before, we did not...like when to meet up adn where. I found meeting in the morning for a limited time worked for me best that first year. I had and still do have, more energy in the morning, and so you can say, let's meet over coffee at 9:00 -10:00 at...that way you have set the place, the time, and how long you will stay. See how a short visit feels and then you can assess how it felt to go out.

 

 

[Mermaid Tears]

[ericasmom]

RIGHT ON SUSAN, to all of the screen shots you posted, I agree with each...thanks Kiddo.

[Mermaid Tears]

What I discovered on my grief journey was by 'cocooning'....or....by not 'getting together' with others....I did have some 'control'....for I could not control when I would have instant sobbing....or....the slow tears that would just roll down my face...there are so many shades of grief....and we find we can go through a 1,000 emotions in a 24 hour period...it is a roller coaster of memories that roll past our thought processes....and frankly....I had to just 'sit tight' and learn how to gain control again...in my new normal.

 

Dee....how is your back ? We have sunshine today for the first time in 2 weeks....very strange for our South Texas...do you mind if I post the photo of the light shining down on the path ? I still love that...

[Shannon-Trista'sMom]

For all those who are newer to this grief journey...

This is the time to really focus on self care. Dee, Susan, Gretchen, and others are so right about just doing whatever it is you need in that moment. I know it's been said but I feel it can't be said enough. That was the advice given to me over and over by others here and it is so important.

Everyone is different. I've read so much on grief and the loss of a child in the past 18 months and while there some things that are just universal, we all have to do what is good for us.

Being around others can be so overwhelming. It's hard to make 'small talk'. It's been 18 months for me and I still find that social situations are uncomfortable. Like Dee, I had to let go of some who brought nothing but negativity into my life. I sent them away with love and a prayer. I was too raw in my own grief. I have no patience for certain things even now. I was 'given permission' to do this without guilt and I'm so glad I did.

Being a stay at home Mom with a teenager and a five year old (he was just 3 yrs. old when I lost Trista) I felt in a lot of ways I had to 'schedule' my grief. Not that I didn't carry it with me all the time. I do. But that time to just let go, cry, yell, whatever had to wait for times that I didn't have to be 'on'. I'm sure it's the same with any job or other responsibilities. I made sure when I could I made room for my grief. I created what I call my 'sacred space'. Laurie talked about her space she created in her living room and I went with that idea. For me, with kids in and out I needed a bit more seclusion so I took a small room in my house that had just been mostly storage. I have a comfortable chair and my books, kindle, pictures, sketch pad, candles, incense, etc. Just the things that bring me comfort. It was/is a place I can just go when I need to cry or to be alone... To read, write, pray, meditate, or just stare out the window for awhile. I have a small alter there dedicated to Tris with candles I light for her, pictures of her, some things that for me are just symbols of her like her little fairy doll, Iris.

I would say, for me, creating that space was one of the best things I did for myself early on. When the weather was nice I created a similar space outdoors near Trista's Garden. Being outdoors in nature has always been a comfort to me and I think many parents find comfort and healing in nature.

I am a big supporter of journaling too. If it's for you. Writing was/is one of the only ways I can put into words what I can't say aloud. My writing took it's own direction and a life of it's own. I did lots of just 'stream of consciousness' journaling. I wrote poems and started writing down memories and stories about Trista. Then I started writing to Trista. That I think helped me the most. I write to her a lot as well as speaking out-loud to her.

I just wanted to share some of the things that helped me the most early on. When I came here others offered the things that helped them and I was able to try and see what worked for me. That is what helped the most. The number one thing on my list... Coming here to share my heart and find this group of others sharing theirs.

I've loved seeing all the pictures. It's good to put faces with the names of the Angels here and to read their stories and all of yours.

Gretchen,

Forest's dollar bill... How that must have been for you to see that. I'm so glad it was shared with you. That's awesome!

Susan,

You must all be so proud of your twins and of Austin. That's really great! They all will have bright futures and lots of options ahead of them for the hard work the do now. I love the signs you made. I've found lately that keeping my hands busy is good and I love to 'create'. I'm teaching myself new ways to do that and of course Aiden loves to do 'projects' too so it's a win/win.

Thinking of all of you today and sending my wishes for peace and comfort.

[Shannon-Trista'sMom]

Double post

[Suzie1228]

This morning I decided to clean out a few of Brads clothes. He had several winter coats that I know can be useful to others, so I am taking them to the DAV. Most of the things I am giving away are things I never saw him wear. I am keeping all his favorite things for now, ( well I will probably keep them forever) as I can still see him in them. He had a Movado watch that his Dad had given him about 3 months before his Dad passed away. I took it and had a new band put on it and now I wear it. He loved that watch and now I love having it on my arm too. I know that Brad would have wanted others that are in need to have his winter things when so many are in need.

[Mermaid Tears]

Suzie...(that is what my family and all hometown friends still call me)....

  My Essie...my GRANDmother....always said...'no matter how bad you have it...someone else has it worse'....

and it is a good thing when a parent releases some items...and gives it to charity...it is as if our child 'gives it, too'....

I did the same with John David's clothing....some were 'cherished'...some weren't....and to wear something of your child...brings a connection just between you and your child like no other. You are doing so much good in your grief.

[Mermaid Tears]

Thank you, Shannon.....the kids do work hard for those grades....

here is a funny update....

Hunter Bear and Tay did not do their 'chores'....so ...Randa took Hunter Bear's truck....and Tay's car away for 3 days....this is the first day he got his truck back and came for lunch...Mama did not let Natl. Honor Society go to her head....

....as long as my hands are busy....my grief has a balance....

here is something I found in my sketch book....Austin did this when he was  Jr. in High School...now he is a Jr. in College...

.....it has a 'Trista Look' to it....so I am sending it to you....

[daveydow1]

Suzie...Brad's mom------I, so, know how heart-wrenching it can be to give away some

of your beloved child's clothes.  They are so personal and cherished by us because

they belonged to them.  It's good that you are keeping some of the clothing.  I did

the same as you are doing----giving some clothes to charity, and keeping some.

I agree....we will most likely keep some things forever.  I love the way you had the

new band put on Brad's watch, and now wear it yourself.  I still have David's watch

in my desk drawer, and some of his clothes put away.  I look at them sometimes,

and somehow feel closer to him, just handling them. I still have a small box of

baby Lisa's little clothes too...., and her shoes.  Peace & comfort.

 

Eileen---Lovely,......heartfelt words.  thank you for posting that writing.

 

Susan-----You always post such dear and touching screenshots with true words

to them.   Thank you. 

 

 

WISHING  ALL   INDIGOS   A  PEACEFUL   AND  RESTFUL   NIGHT.

 

 

Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry 

 

[ericasmom]

Susan, you may of course post my ray of light photo, it is a joy to me that you get from it what I do. Thanks. Too busy today to write but will catch up possibly tomorrow. Back was better but feels like it may go again. Have to be careful. Going to bed after a busy couple of days.

Love and hope to All

[RicknTommysMommaa]

yesterday was a rollercoaster ride..

you see.. 37 years ago Jan 15th i birthed my first son.. this is a day of celebration.. and rememberance.. Tommy died in 1985.. i want to remember this day..

i also want to forget, sleep thru, Jan  15th.. 11 years ago, on my Tommys birthday, my grandson Jesse was lost to us.. my daughter was destroyed..

i tried to help.. but she wanted none of me.. i do understand.. i really do, since no-one, i thought, no-one could understand my pain when her brother died.. she became bitter and ... has embraced the term "bitch" for herself.. uses anger to keep from hurting, from grieving..

all of this while i am still processing my son Ricks death 65 days ago..

i cannot pray.. how could a God who loves me allow BOTH my sons to be taken from me??

Victoria

[Shannon-Trista'sMom]

Victoria,

I'm thinking of you today and of Tommy and Rick, your Grandson, Jesse and of your Daughter. I know there are others here who have experienced the loss of more than one child. I only know I have lost my only Girl... My Trista. I know I live in fear everyday of something happening to one of my boys. I can't imagine it. Your family has experienced so much loss. My heart hurts for you. I'm sorry that things are the way they are for you and your Daughter. I think sometimes people get so lost in their own pain. My Grandmother (who raised me so is like a Mother to me) is a member of a group for grieving Grandmothers. She has told me that so many in her group have been 'shut out' by the parents. I don't know why but it seems to happen depending on how each person handles their grief. I hope you are able to find some comfort and peace today. This is all so hard.

Kate,

I'm thinking of you and sending prayers that you heal and feel better quickly.

Suzie, I'm glad you were able to donate some of Brad's things in a way that you know he would be happy about. I also understand the need to keep certain things. My Trista was 17 years old when I lost her so she still had her room full things. I've not touched much but I have let her closest friends each choose something that means the most to them. I think maybe around her birthday and angel day this year I maybe ready to donate some things. I know Tris would want that. There are some things though I know I will keep forever.

Susan,

I do think that is a Trista sort of drawing. Something she would have liked for sure. Thank you for sharing it with me.

------------------------------------------

I had a high anxiety night last night. I still have sleep issues. It's better than it was but still there are those nights. I woke up at 2 am with an anxiety attack. It makes for a long day and it's a grey gloomy day. That doesn't help. I'm just ready for Spring and some sunshine.

[daveydow1]

Hello to all INDIGOS......this will be short...I think I'm coming down with something....Yuk.  

 

Victoria----Sending prayers for you and your daughter in your deep grieving.  Your

family has had so much loss to bear.  Please keep coming here to this site where

you can share all the pain and sorrow that you are having......where others know

and understand.  Peace to you, friend.

 

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry 

[Jeff's Mom]

Thinking of everyone this weekend. I wish I had the energy to respond properly to everyone. I am afraid I have turned into a very grumpy individual this past few weeks. I am still on "hold" waiting for some relief to this situation. The meds they prescribed at ER are definitely helping, but it is still not going away. Very annoying!

 

The weather has finally turned in quite nice. We too have had a fair amount of cloud this winter with very little sunshine. Apart from cocooning and reading and sleeping I have done exactly squat this past several weeks. I find myself thinking of Jeff and Annie so much lately. I saw a clip of a black lab on a news report that rides the bus to a dog walking park. What a cutie. My goodness, it sure looks like her. I am confident she is now running like the wind with her eyesight restored and catching sticks with Jeff.

 

Stay healthy everyone and try to take good care of yourselves this next while. Take heart...spring is around the corner. And about time I say!

 

p.s. Susan...I saw in our local paper the name Hunter was by far the number one name for baby boys last year.

 

Love to all, Kate

 

 

[shorty16]

Hello to my Indigo friends,

2015 is 6.5 years without my Brian. I never thought I would survive 1 day, let alone 6 years, but my family has.

I do read the posts and think of everyone here. We all traveled different roads to get to the same place.

Love to you all

Colleen, Brians Mom forever

Brian, to put my grief into words would bankrupt the vocabulary of all the languages. My mind knows you are no longer in your earthly body, and my heart is broken. But my very soul knows we will meet again. Until them, I carry you with me and do my best for my family, neighbors and myself.

Love Mom

[ericasmom]

Victoria, you don't have to pray, and you never need apologize for it. I am so sorry for the many heartbreaks in your life, all I can say is I send you hope and I hope that you feel the love from your Sweet Boys, and I hope that your Daughter can find her way back to you and to finding goodness in her life.

 

Kate, I do hope that the doctors can get you all taken care of very soon so that you can begin to feel better. Enjoy the sunlight when you get it, and the nicer temps.

 

Sherry, keep us posted as to how you are feeling. I sure hope you are not getting sick.

[Mermaid Tears]

Sherry......so many are coughing..hacking...sneezing...fevers...sore throats and aches.....our GRANDson, Austin ...(he is a Jr. at U of Texas-21 years old)....came down with a very bad sore throat..and fever and aches on Dec. 27th....the Dr. was shocked he did not have strep throat...anyway...he was 'down' for 8 days....and then just felt 'poorly' for about 4 days...and he is a strapping and healthy young man.....so...he says he 'lost' his Christmas vacation...and so many have pneumonia...at best.....try to keep yourself from being in crowds....and I take EmergenC....I buy it at Walmart and drug stores...I take a packet a day....it just boosts your immune system....I also will take a Zicam once or twice a day if I start feeling 'yucky'....it is a boost of zinc.....and for 6 years now...I take 2 AZO cranberry tablets in the morning....I have not had a UTI in 6 years...I am not on any medication other than the AZO....have not had the flu or a cold in years....

[flocicero]

Today is exactly 4 months since I lost my Michael....feeling so very sad....I notice that I've started to have better days, less crying but still feel a sickness in my stomach ...I journal everyday, that's how I talk to him. I have made a promise to myself & to him that I will start to take better care of myself...so since January 1, I have started to exercise again , I've been managing 4 days a week & it does help put me in a better frame of mind....I'm even taking showers again...

My younger son Chris just left for Georgia with his girlfriend (they moved in with us this past summer); they are nature lovers & are going to work on a farm for the next month ; it's called WWOOFING-world wide opportunities on organic farms- this is something that can be done all over the world. They volunteer their time working the farm usually 4-6 hrs/day & they get room & board plus opportunities to learn about farming & building things like greenhouses, cob fireplaces etc. I'm excited for him but I already miss him, I'm now alone with my husband; Michael always was with us......

Of course, I'm nervous about Chris being out there & traveling & in a strange place....

Going to take a long walk today & dream of Michael....

Peace & love to all....

[Mermaid Tears]

Shannon.....panic attacks are so sudden....and when they come at night....so exhausting....drink some gatorade when you have one.....when we are under so much stress...and dragged down with insomnia...our electrolytes get out of balance..and can cause one to have muscle spasms....it is not a cure all....but a 'helper'....and you have to stay on your feet with that energy ball little boy Aiden....all day....I think the insomnia is the hardest .....for sleep is healing...and rest. Medications for sleep do help....and sometimes we sleep from sheer exhaustion and being a Zombie for days. I would take a benadryl or an Advil PM........but I am one of those people that like to wake around 4:30/5.....and if I lose that morning...I feel stressed.

   We have to face the facts that we are in this unbalanced limbo kind of new normal....and we will just have to ride it out...til we can find our place of Grace in this grief.

  Two things have been suggested on this site that does give the biggest relief...at least to me....are walking/exercise....and being outside for even a short period of time. Once again....Mother Nature has the best healing.

     Keep your creative juices flowing....and yes....your little Aiden will be your best partner...even if the project is small...I do believe that when my hands are busy...I seem to be able to hold a balance. I am glad you liked the drawing.

 

 

Yesterday....I drove to Wharton to meet my brother and sister to have lunch on his birthday. I told them I did not want to go to my hometown...we then went to the cemetery to put new flowers on my GRANDparents, parent, aunts and uncles graves...and then we went and visited my aunt...she is the only surviving sibling of my Mom....and then went to my cousin's coffee shop/book nook and visited with him....a full day with lots of emotions....but I held steady...(I rehearsed the day before)...and John David's name and lots of John David stories was voiced....and it was so strange...I actually felt like I got one of his..'Atta Mama' hugs from him on the way home....it was something so real that he was so proud of me. I feel as if I am walking on some other level today.

   My cousin at the book store told me..'people just can't believe that John David died'....yes...it is still bizarre...

[Mermaid Tears]

Francesca....am glad you are finding that walking/exercise in Mother nature brings you some relief.....it does help so many...and those marker dates will be a sad reminder for a long time....many of us know how having our 'kids' around helps...but....we have to give them their wings....what an interesting 'job'....and he will be outside...and he will be digging in the dirt.....I think that will be a very healing combo for him....

    how is your husband doing ?

 

 

Kate....are you now just waiting for your surgery ? I am so glad those meds help.....sometimes it takes so long to get the right doses....and find what our bodies can tolerate....and what brings relief. I will tell my daughter about Hunter's name being so popular...he was invited by this girl who is a Sr. to her Debutant Coming Out gala in Houston...last night...her family arranged the travel to and from, also.....now....he has been invited to another Debutant Ball next week-end, Houston again....for that he has to wear a Tux.....can hardly wait to hear about last night...and find out 'who' asked him for next week-end...

 

Victoria....you have to realize that there are some things we simply have no control over.....and our adult children is one of them....many parents on this site has had the same problems with the adult children and being 'shut out' of their lives....and it is compounded when one is grieving for another 'child'....I would hope that you can get some counseling with this problem...or talk it over with someone who you are close and trust. Sometimes we just don't have any answers to our questions....and have to adapt some way to let it go....and let it work it's way out....for us to have some kind of peace.

[RicknTommysMommaa]

my soul is shattered.. the stars in the night are holds cut in the blanket of midnight by the shards of my broken heart..

[ericasmom]

And in all that is shattered are the shards of goodness that made you whole, that made Him whole. One day, but it is down the road, all those beautiful glimmering pieces will begin to inch toward each other, seaming together again, the scar tissue will be the seams that they make. And while we are never the same, we are not always shattered...we rebuild and we leave space in our souls for the deep well of loss that forever holds our grief. That well will be found right next to your joys for they are the life you live.

[Mermaid Tears]

[ericasmom]

Susan, those screen shots are all beautiful and meaningful. Thanks.

 

I will post my light photo, Ray of light. To those new here, the ray of light that shone through the sky one morning while I was taking a walk in the forest preserve was evidence of my outloud call to Erica. I stood at one point and said, " Erica, where are you?" Before I could blink, there she was standing there as the ray of light. I thanked her and snapped the photo and stood in that lovliness and told her that I knew she was there. It was on a morning that I was feeling aimless and lonely, probably months or maybe a year after Erica was killed. I hadn't felt her near for a few weeks and was missing her presence, (that breeze when the trees are still, that song when you least expect to hear it, that tickle on the back of my neck when I feel her near) and so just ached for her to show me. She did and still does in so many ways. Sometimes we just have to get very quiet with ourselves and get rid of some of the clutter in order to see/hear/feel/sense the presence of Angels.
 

[Mermaid Tears]

Oh Thank you, Dee......I think this is a signal that I have to 'organize' my online files....for I looked for that 'shaft of sacred light' and could not find it.....

it is very, very meaningful...profound....and 'knowing' to me in so many directions....spirit, heart and mind....

I know many will relate in the same way....and I think it would be so comforting to the new parents if we 're-posted' our stories...our revelations....our 'signs'....

[lsj53]

I read each of your posts and grieve for each of you for the loss of your child or children. I also see illness has attacked some of you so take care of yourself and keep us updated on how you are doing. I'm still learning everyone's names;that has never been a positive of mine but I'll get them eventually. My son, Shawn, died November 3rd so the pain and grief is very fresh. He was divorced and lived with me which has added to the feeling of being lost. I have no other children and my two beautiful grandchildren live about four hours away so I only see them every few weeks. I have an older sister who lives alone about 30 miles from me and is in poor health. I do have close friends who rallied around me initially but limited contact now so I feel so alone. I do see a grief counselor and plan to try a support group. I went back to work part time two weeks ago and suppose to go back full time this Wednesday but not sure I'm ready. I was so anxious after few days not sure can make it full days yet but have to soon as have to work. I've been on FMLA and using my sick leave and can do so longer but wonder if delaying full time is right thing to do? I got myself off the couch about noon and did some much needed stuff around the house but I have a very hard time with motivation and concentration here and at work. It's a beautiful day outside but I have a hard time getting out of the cocoon of my house. The panic attacks come out of the blue. I am on a very low dose of anti-anxiety med which helps some but can't stop the panic and tears. I'm sitting here with "Oreo" my maltipoo. Heven was my son's best buddy and has also grieved. I needed to reach out today to this group as I am so lonely, sad, anxious. Just needed a sounding board that understands.

[Mermaid Tears]

lsj.....yes....please keep in mind how 'fresh' your grief journey is....and yes.....many parents do have emotional and physical issues....that is why we say over and over and over....to 'self care'....that is the most love 'gift' you can give yourself...for no one can do that for you....every grief journey is unique.....for we come from all over the world and we all have different situations...family dynamics....circumstances....job descriptions....

   for some on this site that has a 'circle of hate' with their family.....they may say you are lucky not to have to put up with a lot of 'drama'.....that you can have some alone time to lick your wounds and do what is best to keep your balance....

one of the parents on this site had some very ill timed and sad and hard issues with family members that landed on her doorstep...and she also had younger children to take care of...and deal with her grief. Personally....I am surprised she can walk and talk.

     If you had friends that supported you at the beginning.....they are still there....I just believe those that drift simply do not know how or what to do with a friend that is recovering this kind of grief.....no one gets a class in school that teaches any part of this kind of grief. This is a hard journey.

     If you are having anxiety about working a full day....talk to your counselor....am sure she has tools you can use to help you get through the day....or just relate the truth to your employer...maybe you can take an extra break if you feel shaky. I think when we are up front and honest with people...then they, too, have a window into what we are experiencing. Remember...no one can read your mind.

   Don't be hard on yourself about 'getting things done'.....I would not have drug a dead cat out of my house for a long, long time....but do....try and get out and sit in the sunshine for awhile....Mother Nature can work a lot of healing.

    You are learning how to live in this 'new normal'....I am going on my 3rd year....and I am still growing into my new normal...I am not balanced...yet.....I am not my old self...and now I know I never will be....so I am learning and becoming acquainted with this Mama without her John David...I have a new face to present to family and friends...and it is as if I am learning a complete other way of living in my skin and community....but....I am surviving...and you, will, also....it just takes a long, long time...

[lsj53]

I read each of your posts and grieve for each of you for the loss of your child or children. I also see illness has attacked some of you so take care of yourself and keep us updated on how you are doing. I'm still learning everyone's names;that has never been a positive of mine but I'll get them eventually. My son, Shawn, died November 3rd so the pain and grief is very fresh. He was divorced and lived with me which has added to the feeling of being lost. I have no other children and my two beautiful grandchildren live about four hours away so I only see them every few weeks. I have an older sister who lives alone about 30 miles from me and is in poor health. I do have close friends who rallied around me initially but limited contact now so I feel so alone. I do see a grief counselor and plan to try a support group. I went back to work part time two weeks ago and suppose to go back full time this Wednesday but not sure I'm ready. I was so anxious after few days not sure can make it full days yet but have to soon as have to work. I've been on FMLA and using my sick leave and can do so longer but wonder if delaying full time is right thing to do? I got myself off the couch about noon and did some much needed stuff around the house but I have a very hard time with motivation and concentration here and at work. It's a beautiful day outside but I have a hard time getting out of the cocoon of my house. The panic attacks come out of the blue. I am on a very low dose of anti-anxiety med which helps some but can't stop the panic and tears. I'm sitting here with "Oreo" my maltipoo. Heven was my son's best buddy and has also grieved. I needed to reach out today to this group as I am so lonely, sad, anxious.

[lsj53]

Sorry my post showed up twice. Couldn't figure out how told delete the second one.

[ericasmom]

Sherry, how are you feeling?

Becky, same for you, how are you?

Laurie, are you okay?

Shannon?

Lora?

Del?

Leah?

Sandy?

Greg?

Trudi?

Carol?

Marcia?

Colleen?

Claudia?

Betty?

Betsy?

Ted?

Dan?

And each and every parent/grandparent who finds themselves wandering about this world, my thoughts to you.

[Steve s mom]

Hi all,

I just got out of the hospital I had a severe asthma attack and heart problem and had to be taken to hospital by ambulance from work last week.

I am home now but kind of wish I wasn't ,I wanted so much just to go and be with my Steve.

[Mermaid Tears]

Maryann....so sorry to hear of your health issues....and I do hope your recovery goes well....and you will be restored...I sometimes let my mind 'wonder' ......and 'wander'....and each parent on this site can understand wanting to be with our child that left our earth home....and I will not argue that .....but we are here for a reason and a season....I hope you can wrap a soft blanket around yourself and look around at the sunrise and sunset and find some meaning for yourself. I understand how much and how deep the 'missing him' is.

[RicknTommysMommaa]

how odd..

i got up this morning and could actually see tomorrow..

[Mermaid Tears]

Victoria.....that feeling is called....surviving....

and it is called 'life'

my life is not what I want it to be...

I find that I do not have control over all...

I do have a choice in how I balance the good with the bad..

and I am trying very hard to learn to balance the Grief with the Grace...

[ericasmom]

Susan, I do so love the juxtaposition of finding 'grace in your grief.' Poetic.

 

Victoria, I am taking what you meant to be a very good thing, that you could actually see tomorrow means that you might not be dreading it. Least wise I hope so. Sometimes we get a sense, however brief, of clarity and in it we feel lighter. I hope you know that further down the road, you will have more of that.

 

Maryanne, I am sorry that you were so ill as to be rushed to the ER. I know that in some ways you wished it was a closed book at that point, but as you know, not yet. I hope that you regain your health and that in it, you find some goodness in the slowly lengthening days. Prayers for you.

[Sistergldnhair66]

Gretchen, love the dollar bill about Forest..reminds me of something that Matthew's friend made and I displayed at his wake. I'll post more tonight..bad day.

[Mermaid Tears]

[TearsInHeaven]

It is odd to feel the silence.  For almost 6 weeks or so it was doing, crying, visitors, responsibilities for the service, and you know you hear people talk about what comes next.  No one calls, no one comes and the quiet you thought you needed is deafening. The crying comes all the time and luckily I work remotely so no one needs to know that.  But here time moves forward and it is even harder to believe that he is gone than it was in the beginning.  Sleep is a luxury I guess I gave up. People I knew or worked with for 20 years have mostly not even reached out. Maybe I expected too much.  Is that weird?  I keep expecting him to call and I KNOW he won't.  I accept that on the surface and I know eventually I will accept it inside but for now it just seems so quiet. 

[ericasmom]

I remember years and years ago when another member said the same: the silence is deafening. Where is that sound of joy, that constant sound of family and friends? Everything is changed Dear, but one day you will put together a new kind of day, even though it is the last thing right now, that you want to have to do, much less want to do. But I do promise, one day you will want to find ways to listen to the birds again, to see the clouds change in the sky...not now. Too soon. All the pain being layered on the six-weeks-ago pain is sharper and deeper, because now you know that it is all for real, no getting a do-over. Some of the shock that helped you get all those things accomplished when you first lost your Child is now wearing away, little by little we lose the shock and it is very raw all over again for a time. Hold on, we are here, and we get it.

[lsj53]

Tears in Heaven. I know what your mean about expecting your son to call. I panic if I forget my phone for fear that Shawn will try to text or call me all the while knowing that will not happen.I lost my son, my only child, November 3 so we are at about same short time of our loss.I also understand about the silence. I now live alone and friends have stop coming by and the phone calls are very limited. I think many are so scared of the thought of loosing a child they can't be around me, others don't know what to say so they avoid us, and others just are clueless what a long journey of grief we are on. I have a hard time reaching out to others but I try when I can emotionally handle it. I don't Think people realize how hard it is for us to reach out. Even dialing the phone can be overwhelming. I also know what you mean about each day feeling more real he won't be coming home. I still look for him to walk in the house;he lived with me. I see a grief counselor and went to a grief group tonight and use this board as I have to have someone to talk to. I hope you can find an outlet to talk and cry as we need to do that. I know the tears, fears, anxiety, and pain can show up when you aren't expecting it so let it out when it does.

[Angel Boy of Mine]

Hi All, Sorry I haven't been on of late, shoulder is oh so painful, surgery now scheduled for Feb. 3rd.I woke up Sunday morning, my 60th birthday, and the fourth birthday without my babyboy, Jared (J.D.) and started my morning with tears, as I woke and looked over to where the loveseat used to be in our bedroom, and imagined JD there, as he did so often instead of sleeping in his own room, and he would reach out his hand to me to hold, which I often did until he would fall asleep. A precious memory, but one that breaks my heart as I so wish I could hold his hand again, see him, hold him, kiss him....omg, it still hurts so much.

I wish I could be more of an example for all the new people here, and maybe it's made worse by the fact of my poor health right now, but I feel sadder by the day lately. I know for the first two years I did so much towards the justice that never came that it wore me down, and I am proud of all the work we as a family have done to honor my son's memory, and maybe that's partly it to, I don't know what else to do?

[ericasmom]

_{Becky, a belated birthday wish to you and in that wish I send hope that you will recover well from your surgery, that the physical pain leave. I hope that you begin to rebuild your body/soul through finding ways to live in what is left. Your family and you worked so very hard for the justice that seemed so reachable and yet you kept being slammed but you did make changes. No big changes come without the steps before them, and you made the steps. I know it is not enough, but it needs to be for now if you are to find your good health again. I am sure that what is most important now if that you heal some and find your purpose here. Who knows what it may be, heck,you host spring migrating ducks, maybe it will be in wildlife preservation/conservation...I agree with you in that you are likely feeling so much sadness because you are unsure of what to do now. Now is time to get better, even letting that be your lead, how would J.D. want you to feel? He wants you to feel strong and filled with the day ahead. I hope so much for you to find some freedom from this ongoing pain, and that you see that your work has paved the way for others.}

[RicknTommysMommaa]

My sons fiance turned off his phone on Sunday.. and cried when she did so.. another step but so difficult.. he didn't leave messages so i haven't got the sound of his voice, except a few words on the video of him playing the guitar.. he finished playing then said, "that's all you get"..

 

my strength is coming back.. but i don't know that my heart is ready.. i still cry, but it is more controllable.. taught from childhood not to show what you feel you know.. so most of my tears are private.. but then we all know that each of us has our own road to walk.. we can be here for each other, but the burden belongs to us alone..

 

now don't i sound all philosophical.. lol..

 

i too want to call him.. to have the phone ring and its him.. but i saw his body.. it was his body.. it wasn't him, no smile for me, his eyes closed.. but it was the shell that had held him for 33 yrs.. Sav says there are maybe one or two other videos.. one of them cooking.. i told i want a copy.. anything that will let me hear his voice again..

 

i am trying to be strong for Sav.. shes back at school, trying to continue their dream.. shes made up a couple of her finals from last semester.. got As.. Rick would be splitting buttons.. still more to do but shes doing great.. i tell her how proud he is.. she knows its true..

 

i am still breathing.. sometimes it doesn't hurt as much..

[Mermaid Tears]

Becky...our Warrior Mom.....I do believe that our grief gets compounded when there are health issues to deal with, too...so I am hoping that when you have your surgery....you also get some healing for your broken heart...those marker days that only we know....can bring those memories to the surface and each of us have to deal with them in our own way...tears and laughter are mingled.

 

 

 

Rick and Tommy's Mom.....many have had that experience of having the phone turned off...cleaning out an apartment...a dorm room....a home....for the child that is no longer on the earth home...and some days....that is all we can do is simply 'breathe'....and that is enough. Really...it is enough. Sav is showing a great deal of courage and strength to do what she needs to do. I am sure she is feeling blessed to have your support and encouragement for these steps she must make.

[Steve s mom]

Everyone talking about phone calls and such reminded me. I always erased all phone messages immediately ,even the last one from Steve .you never think it will be the last one he called me ten times a day even just to say I love you.after he died the police kept his phone for 2 years so it went off long before we could ever get it back.he never text me because my old cell phone wasn't very good and I didn't text.

One day maybe a year after my cell phone had a missed call it was from Steve's number I was so upset that I had missed his call .i looked and it was a text once I eventually figured out how to read it

It was from his phone ( that phone was still in police evidence and surely dead) it just said I'm home

[InHeavensKeeping]

Hi I've been reading all your posts but finding it hard to write myself. All my thoughts are jumbled up in my head and I can't get them down.

17 and half weeks have gone by now without my beautiful kind hearted Son. I can't imagine this life journey without him. Every day is so hard to get through I think about him every minute memories keep hitting me like a ton of bricks yesturday a song came on the radio I was driving and I remembered him dancing to it around the house all dressed up smelling gorgeous just before he went out. I went to pieces started to panic felt so overwhelmed just could believe the reality of it all. I had to pull over I started to hyperventilate couldn't breath just felt out of control.

I miss him.

God Bless to you all

Much peace Love and Prayers

Georgina xx