Members Mermaid Tears Posted January 20, 2015 Members Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 Maryanne....I remember your story....and I related it to a friend....I got goose bumps the first time I heard it...and got goose bumps again...today.... I try so hard to believe and I know we all want our children to be in that place...'I'm Home'.... Georgina....I wish I had a quarter for every time I had to leave a shopping cart either full or half full while shopping and hear a 'song' come over the speakers...and would have instant sobbing...that is why I use online shopping at Christmas as much as I can... and have that 'memory' come through a portal....in an instant....with the whiff of a smell....or a phrase...hear the 'traditional fight song' at football games...I still have those 'fall apart' moments but not as often.....maybe I have just learned to hold it better....balance it all better....I still 'cocoon' to a certain extent...I have to protect this broken heart. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted January 21, 2015 Members Report Share Posted January 21, 2015 I agree with you Susan, Maryanne's telephone call from her Boy was/is very wonderful. Goose bumps here too. How are you feeling today Maryanne? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted January 21, 2015 Members Report Share Posted January 21, 2015 Georgina, going to pieces is alright, it may not feel like it is but remember, the only way through grief is to actually walk through it. Through all the muck and sadness and heartache, and one day you will see a glimmer of light, maybe just a moment of light, but that moment promises that there is more, so please know, your broken heart will rebuild itself over time, not now, but later, and you will feel it doing so, you will cause it to happen, and it will never mean turning your back on your beloved Child, it will instead mean, honoring him with your life. Living your best life where he no longer stands. What more could our Kids want than that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted January 21, 2015 Members Report Share Posted January 21, 2015 I have been blessed by having 2 'old' girlfriends of John David's to come back into my life...they have stayed in contact and have given me a place in their family circle....one from Mississippi and one from Texas....both looked like a 'Jerry Hall' when young and are still gorgeous...both are married...both husbands have a strong resemblance to John David and both have 2 children...a boy and a girl....both were madly...over the top in love with him....and both still say he will always be in their heart. There is something about 'young love' that is so genuine and strong....one just sent this photo to me....her friend found it...am sharing it.... John David has a Memory chest...(I had 6 handmade while living in Slidell..and gave one to each of our children)...I have his now with me.....in it were letters and cards from different friends....I returned all the letters and cards to them...I wanted his friends to know how much he cared by saving them....I could not have given a better gift to them... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted January 21, 2015 Members Report Share Posted January 21, 2015 Susan, i love the photo you posted of your John David. So handsome and sweet.Thanks for posting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted January 21, 2015 Members Report Share Posted January 21, 2015 Thank you, Dee....I had to write Thank you notes and some letters this morning...and I spent some time on 'me' thinking...2015 is here....and once again I am staring at the new calendar I have to fill in with birthdays...anniversaries...etc. and I am also staring down at another year of not having my John David....I think I have held up pretty well....of course, for parents like me...that have other Adult children...GRANDchildren....we don't want to set an example of running away from it all....'cocooning all year'.....but....I have to be honest and say that is still the knee jerk reaction I have .... I now choose carefully the 'who..what..when..where' I will go....and I am blessed in the caring and loving friends I have in this town that circle me....the visit to Wharton also let me know my friends there are thinking of me.... I guess the baby steps we take forward with the gift of faith gives us a hand hold...When I was young....my Grama...Essie....would let me 'cry..piss and moan' for about a total of 15 minutes....I could have a serious 'pout session' for maybe an hour.....and then...time would be up.....no more...time to readjust the attitude and move on. I keep trying to readjust my attitude....but...grief does not work that way....this is a whole different ball game....but I am surviving. I think for many of us....we simply expect too much of ourselves....and we have to go back to the 'self care' and realize we are just human...and allow ourselves to just be 'right where we are' on the grief journey and take one day at a time...it is overwhelming to look at that big calendar and all those days ahead without our child on this earth home. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jesse David & Taylor Mom Posted January 21, 2015 Members Report Share Posted January 21, 2015 Georgina, don't worry about posting even if your thoughts are jumbled up...I can say that this group has been wonderful and supportive, no matter what came out of my heart those early days...and maybe it didn't always make perfect sense...but our world has been blown up to smithereens... Becky, I am sorry your are not feeling well, as I think about Justice, I can only thank you, as if I would not have known to go to the state attorney's office to get things righted on the initial investigation for Jesse's case. To all, thinking about you all...grandson is sick so I making this post short today. Mary Ann, I too love the phone call you received along, and Dee your shaft of light pic as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jesse David & Taylor Mom Posted January 21, 2015 Members Report Share Posted January 21, 2015 My sister mentioned this program on Grief from Dr. Oz to me the other day. Thought I would post it. http://www.doctoroz.com/episode/overcoming-tragedy-how-heal-grief-cure How Madonna Badger Copes With Grief 3 Years After Losing Her FamilyOriginally aired on 1/20/2015Madonna Badger shares her experience of entering an acute care unit to help battle the grief of losing her family during a Christmas fire.Guests: Madonna Badger **************************************More on this story Found another interesting video from Madonna Badger who lost her entire family in fire from her talk at a TED TALK...if you listen starting around 11 minutes in when she describes one of her intense grief moments, she mentions a powerful spiritual experience. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uwGUYG2BQ78 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members InHeavensKeeping Posted January 22, 2015 Members Report Share Posted January 22, 2015 Thanks Laurie I si agree this group is so supportive I just wish I could put into word like mist of you do how I feel. I loved the video link Moddina Badger she's absolutely amazing thank you for sharing all the quotes, songs and poems they really help. Dee I cried when I saw your golden light through the trees OMG I really believe that was your angel daughter sending you a sign. So lucky to have seen that I would treasure that forever. Thank you Susan I love the photo. I think it's so nice that both of the girls and their families still keep in touch. It really shows the person he was and the effect he had on them. I'm hoping that will happen for me too everyone said they would keep in touch and it helps me knowing his memory will live on. His best friends are starting a charity in james name they've already designed a logo which four of them have tatooed on them and have a name and website ready to go they are going to raise money for disadvanted children and treat them to different things creative things they have good ideas and have worked hard setting it all up. So proud of them all and so touched. Thank you all again God Bless you all Much Love Georgina xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted January 22, 2015 Members Report Share Posted January 22, 2015 Laurie...I watched the whole Madonna video....I saw her on Oprah's SSS...and was very emotional....also...some years back Oprah had a Mom that watched her ex husband shoot her two or three sons in front of her....once again...thank you for sharing your knowledge and research....like she says...we must be a part of the God puzzle and come together to create a story and picture....of what we are together.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted January 22, 2015 Members Report Share Posted January 22, 2015 Laurie, your post has already positively affected many, thanks a ton. I watched the TED video with Madona and I love all the wonderful things she said. I wrote a poem a long while ago about being a miner for the gold and silver we sometimes can find in our darkest times. WE piece ourselves back together with the small bits of light we find, with memories, with the love from our Child/Children. Madonna is an amazing woman, I remember her story from when the tragedy happened, Christmas wasn't it, three years ago? I love that she said, we cannot feel our Children when we are so consumed with hatred and agony. We have to make room for the grief to rest in that same spot where we hold our joy. Glad you liked the shaft of light. That light let me know that Erica was right there with me, she made sure that I had no doubt in that. Georgina, glad that you also liked the shaft of light. James will leave you signs as well as you move forward. I love that his friends are creating a fund in James' name. We have a fund called The Erica Reith Fund. I write checks throughout the school year, making sure that kids can attend field trips, scouts, sports, sometimes winter clothing, all sorts of ways to help kids at Lincoln School have the things and activities that will make life better. These are kids whose parents cannot afford these things. So there she is, Erica helping out with kids at the grammar school she once attended. We started the fund after the dust cleared months after the funeral. Many folks sent us money, I did not know why, so we put it in a fund at the bank in the neighborhood of the school where I teach. Since then, 10 years, we have helped many many kids. My family and Eri's friends are the main contributors, though the PTO has invested in the fund as well since so many kids are benefiting from it. Every July we have a big yard party called: ERI-Fest and that is our time to collect donations in her name. July is her anniversary month of her death and so we celebrate her life and over the almost 12 years, we have watched her friends grow up into full adults many with families of their own now. Good luck with the fund, I know that James is smiling on you All. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members flocicero Posted January 22, 2015 Members Report Share Posted January 22, 2015 Have been reading...Georgina , I'm at 16 & one half weeks since I lost Michael, we lost our boys a couple weeks apart...I too wonder how I will get through this life without him.....I don't listen to the radio anymore, don't want to take the chance of falling apart again & again...I'm not sure what's happening to my thought process....I'm now realizing just how long this life can be without him....Rick&Tommys mom-I haven't turned mike's phone off yet, not sure what I'm waiting for, maybe I'm just not ready for that step. I'm glad your strength is coming back, I feel the same, getting better physically but my heart is broken...Linda, I know exactly what you mean about how hard it is to just pick up the phone & dial- I rarely do it, I have to admit that I often don't even pick up the phone when my family members call- I know they're calling to be supportive but I often don't even want to talk...I call them back when I feel I can talk...Mermaid tears , your son is gorgeous, beautiful picture - thank you for being on this site & helping us new parents along....Dee & Laurie, I want to thank you as well for being " here" - I can't express how helpful this has beenBecky, I hope you feel better soon, happy belated birthdayI've been working very hard on trying to get better & I find that getting back to my regular exercise schedule & healthy eating habits has been immensely helpful....I refocused starting jan 1 & I've exercised for 16 days & have gotten myself back into some intense spinning/weight lifting classes...the endorphins released help keep me uplifted & the workouts exhaust me so I have slept better this month... I still have restless nights but it's much improved....Wishing everyone a peaceful night...love u all..Mike's mom forever Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members flocicero Posted January 22, 2015 Members Report Share Posted January 22, 2015 I attached a photo of mike with some friends; he's the one in the upper left corner doing the " peace" symbol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted January 22, 2015 Members Report Share Posted January 22, 2015 Francesca, it is wonderful to know that you and those who are new are feeling the help that being here can offer. You suddenly find being a part of this group, while sad, also provides the supports that others just cannot offer. We get your broken hearts here, and the fact that you meet up with others whose paths began in similar times, well that alone helps you feel connected. Those just ahead of you by a year offer ways that are encouraging and those a few years out show you that you will find your steps and a way to live. Those of us here a long long time let you know that there will be joy again in your world, and that it takes time and energy but that it will one day be what you reach for. Going back to healthy eating and exercise is a great way to begin to build some good habits again, and yes, those endorphins are of immeasurable help. You should be proud of this effort.Your Mike is a handsome Young Man. He looks like he could make everyone in the room laugh. A big sense of humor. Peace out Mike. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members hotrod Posted January 22, 2015 Members Report Share Posted January 22, 2015 .Good Morning Indigos It has been a long time since I posted, but I still visit often. To all the new members I urge you to keep coming back, sharing your heart and trusting This wonderful group saved my sanity and my life when I lost my only son Stephen 7 years ago. It still is a difficult road but more manageable with the new tools I developed hereThank you everyone Dee, Sherry, Betsy, Claudia,Carol, Susuanah, Maryann, Lori and all the old timers who listened and cared. Always in my Heart Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted January 22, 2015 Members Report Share Posted January 22, 2015 Georgina....what an amazing circle of friends of your SONshine boy to start a charity....and to think of all the good that will radiate out to others that need help....we find that we don't have to build monuments ....as in Dee with her Eri girl....the support and help stays local...to the children that are within reach to help....and we 'know' the ones in need in our communities.... I have an interesting story about my Grama...this experience happened when she was in her late twenties...and really shaped the way she traveled through her life...she said...'I may not be able to save Africa...but I can save my corner of the world'....I will write it out later.... 'Charity begins at home'.... Francesca....you are doing the right thing for yourself....and exercise does help with the sleeping....insomnia seemed to become my best friend when I lost my John David...the time when we need sleep the most....eludes us in our deep grief. Kate....thinking of you....and Shannon...Wade...Lora....Debbie....and many we have not heard from in a while... Stephen's Mom....good to hear that you are doing better.....I agree....we learn many tools to help us on this grief journey...on this site...and have that understanding.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RicknTommysMommaa Posted January 22, 2015 Members Report Share Posted January 22, 2015 going to see if i can show you all this.. a short video of my Rick.. www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Nwh1qWOx2_E kinda middle day.. ok but missing him.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted January 22, 2015 Members Report Share Posted January 22, 2015 Victoria...I could not pull it up...and it is 'ok' to feel 'ok'....not great...not bad....just 'ok'.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Angel Boy of Mine Posted January 22, 2015 Members Report Share Posted January 22, 2015 Here is the direct link to utube, VIctoria, very nice!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RicknTommysMommaa Posted January 22, 2015 Members Report Share Posted January 22, 2015 well i wasnt sure if it would work.. copy and paste would be the only way i would know to try.. Victoria Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff's Mom Posted January 22, 2015 Members Report Share Posted January 22, 2015 LOVE, love, love that video of Rick! I sat here frozen as I watched the video of him playing the guitar. It was a replica of my Jeff playing the same song sitting on the edge of his bed. I can only say that they must be having one heck of a jam session up there with all of the kids sharing their common love for music. Thank you for sharing this. I had almost forgotten that song. Finally, finally.... I am scheduled to have surgery on February 10th, to remove my gall bladder. it has been one heck of a ride and a long time in waiting. But that is behind me now and I have plenty of time to recoup before visiting my Grandies in Banff this spring. Our weather is just awesome. For us it is almost too good to be real. Today the high went to + 2C. I spoke with my son in Calgary today and they are going to Lake Louise for the weekend to ski. They are calling for a high of +10C (50F) I read an article at the doctor's office yesterday that mentioned how confused the poor animals are due to the continued ups and downs of the weather patterns. We have only a slight dusting of snow and compared to last year it is a total change. Hilary Clinton was here yesterday speaking and asked to have a tour of the Museum for Human Rights. I have yet to go due to health issues. I hear it is very informative and moving. I am thinking of everyone and hope you have escaped that nasty flu that is making the rounds. Take care, everyone. Love, Kate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted January 22, 2015 Members Report Share Posted January 22, 2015 Victoria...what a priceless treasure with your Rick.... Becky...thank you for posting that.... Wow Kate...what a 'coincidence' (?).....your Jeff played the same song.....goose bumps....happy to hear your surgery is scheduled and that you will be all recovered in time for the GRANDdaughters visit...and it is nice to hear you are having a mild winter...compared to the deep freeze from last year.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jesse David & Taylor Mom Posted January 23, 2015 Members Report Share Posted January 23, 2015 Betty, nice to see your son Stephen's face today on the forum...hoping that you have found some gentler days. Victoria, I agree with the others, he did a wonderful job on the guitar. Jesse too liked musical instruments and would invent his own music. Kate, glad to hear that the surgery is finally scheduled. The planned visit to Banff sounds wonderful. Mike's mom, thanks for sharing the picture of your son. Dee, I think that the woman in the video I posted the other night had lost her family in Dec. of 2011. I liked that she said from the onset that she was still her children's mom and they are still her children and how bold she was in just saying that people would have to accept her talking about them. I agree. However, it is sad that she was institutionalized after her extreme grief hit instead of proper care being prescribed. One would think in today's day and age that there would be better care and a greater understanding in the health community to distinguish between grief and mental illness. I remember when I first came to a doctor's office for assistance after Jesse passed and was treated like I was a head case instead of a mom in deep grief. Was I mad. Since this is a small community though the doctor's word did not hold much weight (people thought he was an idiot) and I still could kick him in the pants for his response. I wanted to send them a set of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross's books and tell them to educate themselves. Becky, nice to see your post tonight. Sherry, thinking of you, missed seeing your posts. Wishing everyone a restful evening. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted January 23, 2015 Members Report Share Posted January 23, 2015 BETTY! Oh my goodness this makes today extra special after not seeing you in so long. That gorgeous Son of yours with his Clark Gable smile...how are you? How is NYC? Are you taking walks in Central Park and enjoying a coffee and a bagel? I miss your stories. Have you been tending to the pigeons? Is your Sister doing okay? So many questions. You don't have to answer after them, but I feel good just to talk with you here. Laurie, yes, she was a strong figure, I am thinking the institutionalizing came before she lost her girls and parents??? When she realized why she was behaving as she was and found that memory that she had buried about having been sexually molested? But I will have to listen again, perhaps she was hospitalized again after. I agree though, deep deep sadness, broken hearted, is usually not hospital material but the need for time and space in which to unravel. She is inspiring. Ricks playing that lovely guitar was wonderful today, thanks Becky for finding it to post and thank you Victoria for sharing it with us. And Kate, that you have Jeff doing the same song on the edge of his bed...well those are not coincidences but instead, connections. I agree, the songs never stop in Heaven. Speaking of songs, today we listened to Richie Havens, Little Darlin...such a beautiful song, we listened to the Beatles version and then Havens. I love both but the percussion in Richie's is wildly wonderful. And his guitar so wondrous. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted January 23, 2015 Members Report Share Posted January 23, 2015 https://video.search.yahoo.com/video/play;_ylt=A0LEVjSVqcFUCRwADAUnnIlQ;_ylu=X3oDMTB0ZjNuMHJ1BHNlYwNzYwRjb2xvA2JmMQR2dGlkA1lIUzAwM18x?p=youtube+of+richie+havens+here+comes+the+sun&tnr=21&vid=8675FF8C308E4B49C45E8675FF8C308E4B49C45E&l=230&turl=http%3A%2F%2Fts2.mm.bing.net%2Fth%3Fid%3DUN.607986766174160009%26pid%3D15.1&sigi=11rpq49e3&rurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DE45hXq-674M&sigr=11alnherp&tt=b&tit=Richie+Havens-+Here+comes+the+sun+%28live%29&sigt=1189hh0s8&back=https%3A%2F%2Fsearch.yahoo.com%2Fyhs%2Fsearch%3Fp%3Dyoutube%2Bof%2Brichie%2Bhavens%2Bhere%2Bcomes%2Bthe%2Bsun%26ei%3DUTF-8%26hsimp%3Dyhs-001%26hspart%3Dmozilla&sigb=13nuee485&hspart=mozilla&hsimp=yhs-001 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Angel Boy of Mine Posted January 23, 2015 Members Report Share Posted January 23, 2015 Georgina, I loved the picture you posted, and pulled it into my drawing program to create this rendering, which is what I thought as I looked at your picture, thank you for posting it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members InHeavensKeeping Posted January 23, 2015 Members Report Share Posted January 23, 2015 Becky I love the words on the image thank you. What is the drawing program you use ? Kate I hope your surgery goes well I'm sorry you've been so poorly I miss your posts take care of yourself. Victoria I love your sons guitar solo such a lovely memory to keep and treasure. I also have videos of my son singing he used to ask me to record him always wanted to sing but I can't watch them at the moment I just can't. Susan james friends have been amazing so supportive kind and compassionate. It's hard because when I see them it hits me like a ton of bricks that james has gone and ' what if ' all these thoughts go through my mind it hurts me so much because I can't explain it but I feel desolate that he's not here getting on with his life. Then they leave and the panic sets in Dee I love what you do for your sweet daughter Erica keeping her memory alive by doing so much good for those in need. What a tribute to her. I hope that my james friends can do the same for disadvantaged youngsters in his memory. Laurie I found strength in listening to Madona TED video thank you for sharing I made my husband watch it too and I feel it helped us both. I love all your links to songs , poems and pins. Thank you. Francesca not only did we loose our sons two weeks apart they were born a month apart xx I too just can't bear this life without him. I'm finding it hard to do anything apart from going to his grave everyday I can't seem to miss a day it's the only place I feel close to him. I'm not back at work yet the doctor won't allow it. He's said that I am at Rock bottom. I send peace and special prayers to you all and all our Angels God Bless Georgina xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RicknTommysMommaa Posted January 23, 2015 Members Report Share Posted January 23, 2015 my pic is of Rick and i .. my 50th birthday.. 4 years ago.. he had such a great smile.. Victoria Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted January 24, 2015 Members Report Share Posted January 24, 2015 Victoria, he does indeed have a beautiful smile. He will always smile on you too, with that beautiful spirit he shared so readily with you. This many years after losing Erica, I can tell yo that picturing her smile makes my heart take an extra beat and makes me warm and grateful. Georgina, I have been amazed by the wonderful outpouring for the Eri-fund and by those who contribute. It is truly a gift to have this fund in Erica's name. I think the key for me since ERica died, was to stay in contact both written and face to face with her friends, so we never lost our connection, and also I never stopped talking about her to others, I try to watch to not over-do but in the first few years, I had no ability to do that and so if folks didn't like it, it was going to have to be their problem, not mine. I clearly had enough on my plate. Gretchen, are you doing okay? Miss you. Shannon, how about you? Kate, I am so glad that the doctors have found a date that will find you having that gallbladder removed. Do they know if it is laser based or the other? Or is that only determined once they begin? I am looking forward to hearing about your healing each day, getting back the strength and pain free life you can enjoy this spring. It is a weird winter...hardly any snow after three times the normal amount last year and the up and down temps worry me. I don't like it for the health of kids and me for one, the cold hot syndrome, but I agree with you, animals and wildlife all around are confused. Becky, how are you feeling these last few days? How is your Daughter doing? Colleen, what is new in your part of the midwest? Susan, I hear that large parts of Texas have ice and snow, true? Sherry, what about your world? Kids doing okay? How is your Mom? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted January 24, 2015 Members Report Share Posted January 24, 2015 It is late....and yes...Dee...parts of Texas do have ice and snow...but not here....we have had rain...but we need every drop in this area...so feel blessed to have it.... I like that the Eri Fund is for your local families and children....it is more of a hands on kind of fund....and when it is local...one knows where the dollars go....and know who needs the help the most.... Oh yes....our children and their smiles....that can go for miles.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Shannon-Trista'sMom Posted January 24, 2015 Members Report Share Posted January 24, 2015 I have been reading and thinking of everyone. I’ve been so tired. A deep down in my soul kind of tired. This second year, this second holiday season… I think I will be tired for a long time. Victoria, I love the video you shared of Rick playing his guitar and how awesome that Kate has such a similar video of Jeff playing the same song. Maryanne, The story of the phone call from Steve is one that truly and deeply and touches my heart. Dee, Eri’s light photo is also one of those things that touched me deeply and gave me a sense of hope. I love that you have that fund in her name. I made this picture of Tris tonight. It was a Through the Looking Glass kind of inspiration. She loved that book when she was little and still loved Alice in Wonderland things as she grew up. I still have the copy I read to her from. It was mine when I was young. As I was making it I was thinking of the story and how it kind of relates to this grief journey... finding yourself in a strange world where the rules you'd come to count on no longer apply, where nothing makes sense and once familiar landscapes become unknown and sometimes terrifying. I don't know... just where my thoughts took me tonight. Wish I had more time and energy right now. There are so many posts I’d like to respond to. I do read and think of everyone daily. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted January 24, 2015 Members Report Share Posted January 24, 2015 Gotta go out with Pumpkin Girl, but just want to say, Shannon, being exhausted in this time is part of the path, I love the photo with the ethereal look to it and the words you spoke, the integration of sadness and happiness is a huge and amazing discovery. It is a great thing that your Boys could be part of this discovery, giving them license too, to hold their grief right next to their joys, that is why we make our hearts bigger, storing so much to move on. LOVE IT. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RicknTommysMommaa Posted January 24, 2015 Members Report Share Posted January 24, 2015 for all the moms.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members shorty16 Posted January 24, 2015 Members Report Share Posted January 24, 2015 ShannonYou are making good memories during a most difficult time. For me, the 2nd year was really bad. Reality was slapping me repeatedly. Knowing, Brian was really not walking through the door ever again.Hang in there my friend.The tiredness does subside. But still today, it takes more energy to complete tasks than it did.My daughter and I have been laughing and talking about Brian without crying for a while now. She was with Brian when he died, very hard on her.This journey never ends. We learn how to live in this new life as we go on.Thinking of you, Shannon, my friend.Colleen, Brians Mom forever Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RicknTommysMommaa Posted January 24, 2015 Members Report Share Posted January 24, 2015 Shannon, just a thought.. your Trista is being serenaded by a great group of boys.. my Rick, Kate's Jeff, Laurie's Jesse.. Dee, perhaps your Erica is there too.. all of them watching and knowing that we have found each other..sorry, thats it.. tears again.. Victoria Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted January 24, 2015 Members Report Share Posted January 24, 2015 Yep, many of us believe that we are led to gather here by our children, so I am pretty sure that Eri is bopping around to all of the music that she delighted in, and loving her friends that are all of our Children. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted January 24, 2015 Members Report Share Posted January 24, 2015 Colleen....thank you for staying on this site for so long....you and others hold a torch on this grief journey that let's see some light on this dark path... Shannon....I agree....grief is exhausting....love the looking through the glass portrait of your girl.... love kitchen dancing....and for Zak....you mentioned that he had hit a real low point and you decided to home school him awhile....that was so wisdom filled for you to come to that decision....and yes....teens do have a knee jerk reaction to this kind of grief......their young minds just can't process it all....and in time little doors open up and they are meeting up with the loss and empty space.... and....the reality and truth that they look at their Mama and family....and know they have no way to make it better....I am thinking that our other children feel so helpless when they look at us and know our pain....but also know they have no tools or magic words to use to reach us....so.....they just stand by. I love that he had those songs of Trista's to offer you as a gift...to let you know he was on the same stage with you.....and you smiled and danced with him. You gave him a healing moment like no other. You and Aiden had those, too. Love and family are very powerful. We have to know that for our other children to come through this without being an emotional cripple has a lot to do with how we handle this kind of grief. Remember I wrote that the first Christmas I didn't want a Christmas tree...and Randa was crushed...and she said..'Mama..I didn't die'..... I learned I had to be 'caring and considerate' that my other children would not think that John David was the 'Only child I loved'.....it is a tightrope to walk for sure.....I may not have all the answers....but I do understand the situations....and circumstances we have to negotiate in this grief journey. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Shannon-Trista'sMom Posted January 25, 2015 Members Report Share Posted January 25, 2015 Colleen,It has been hard this second year, less shock, and yes… reality hitting me full force at times that my Girl won’t be coming home. Your daughter being with Brian when he died… I’m sure that was so hard for her… an added layer to her grief. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement and sharing your journey. Victoria,I love that thought. I’ve had a teary day today too. I’m sure that Trista would love to have all that music around her. She didn’t really play anything seriously. She played the flute and violin in band and a little bit of guitar but she loved music. It was a huge part of her life. I do believe that our Angels may all be together and so happy that we’ve come together. Dee,I am trying to learn to do just that… allow space for my grief and my joy side by side. It helps to know that this exhaustion is just part of this journey at this point. It’s an exhaustion like I’ve never felt before. No physical exhaustion could compare. Even as a young Mom working third shift at a foundry I was never this tired. I’ve ‘fallen apart’ physically in the past year, major weight loss, my eyesight is going. So far I’ve not had my eyes tested for a prescription but by 8 pm I have to use over the counter reading glasses to see anything. Maybe my eyes are just as tired as the rest of me. Susan,I agree. I do think sometimes kids wait, watch to see how we handle things, and wait to make sure we are ‘ok’ before allowing themselves to grieve. Zak has been doing online school now since after winter break. I have to admit that it is nice having here with me more. It’s opened up some space for us to talk just in a natural way, letting things come as they come. For Zak and maybe for most teens it’s much better that way then a ‘sit down, let’s talk about how you feel’ kind of conversation although I initiate those too. He definitely opens up more when it’s just a free flowing conversation on his own terms. He seems to be happy with his choice to do online school for now. He’s looking at a Digital Media and Graphic Arts program for next year. Zak has ADD so this has allowed him to work at his own pace, taking breaks to move around as needed, go down and bang on his drums between assignments if he needs to. He’s typically finished with his school work and his chores before his friends are out of school leaving him plenty of time to socialize. He and some of the neighborhood kids have a band and they get together to practice and those types of things. He also has a girlfriend but she lives in PA so there is a lot of skyping going on. Overall, I think he’s doing well. He was trying to be the strong one for me I know for these past 19 months. I do remember when you thought you might not have a Christmas tree. What Randa said touched my heart. I remember Aiden saying something similar. He’s just a baby but I had that same feeling that I had to balance this grief in a way to allow myself to grieve, allow the kids to see me grieve so they would know its ok for them too but also never let them feel they are not as important. Obviously, we know we would feel the same losing any of our Children. Aiden wanted me to play something with him one day. This was early on and I was having a rough time. I told him I just needed a minute that I was really missing Sissy. He said… I know you miss Sissy but I’m still here. It is a tightrope. Kate,I’m so glad your surgery is scheduled. I agree about the weather. It’s been so odd. I’m confused what season it is so I can imagine the animals feel the same. I went out the other day to do some cleaning in Trista’s garden. It was sunny and warm and I noticed that there are lilies, irises, hyacinths and daffodils coming up. Apparently the plants are a bit confused too. Thinking of everyone tonight and sending wishes for a peaceful night. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted January 25, 2015 Members Report Share Posted January 25, 2015 As for me....and this is a hard road .....John David was not the 'only child I loved'....but he is 'the only child' that died...that brings a lot of issues to the front when we are dealing with grief and our other children... I still have moments of daydreaming about 'going away'....or just 'being away'....but I know that is coming from my inner conflict of my thinking that if I could just go away....I could get a better handle on it all....but that is fantasy....for I know we cannot run away from our problems or grief...we have to go through it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RicknTommysMommaa Posted January 25, 2015 Members Report Share Posted January 25, 2015 Susan.. i hear what you are saying about going away.. i am fortunate in that i am planning to do just that.. after a few Dr appts.. my brother lives in the tiniest town.. like 6 people live there.. i am going to go visit.. me and the dogs.. chose the calls i answer.. be helpful (bachelor so im guessing some cleaning involved..lol) being still and quiet for a bit.. maybe even healing a little... Victoria Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff's Mom Posted January 25, 2015 Members Report Share Posted January 25, 2015 Victoria...I think the opportunity to visit your brother and find a quiet place to be alone is perfect. We need that space and time to quietly reflect on what has happened. Please try to take this opportunity to nurture yourself and let the tears flow. They are a huge help and go a long way towards healing. I hope this time will help to bring you some comfort. Shannon...I always enjoy hearing from you and how the kids are doing. Oh, what I would give to have bulbs showing the first signs of spring. Life continues and the seasons follow one another. With any luck I will be fully recovered to work in my garden in a few months. At any rate...it is something positive to focus on. Colleen, yes the journey never ends. We continue to work towards finding a comfortable place to place our feet on the ground after our loss. There will always be an ache within our hearts for our child that is no longer with us. However, as we grow stronger we find the strength to live life fully again. Differently, but carrying the hope of seeing our child again... and finding happiness in our lives. It takes a long time to come to accept this and there are many ups and downs to this journey. Surrounding ourselves with support of family, friends and co-workers is a huge help. It is common to feel the need or urge to want to run and hide. It is natural to block the pain and loss. But in truth, we are running from ourselves. There are no short cuts to this process. Straight through the middle is the only way to go. We don't have to feel guilty that we are once again enjoying normal things. I know that Jeff is in a great place and doing that very thing. He is beside me in spirit each and every day as I walk this difficult path. Nobody said this life was easy. Susan, I understand completely your feelings. Our other son has yet to mention the loss. He simply will not talk about it. He listens patiently if I mention his name, but never adds to the conversation. He has thrown himself into keeping busy with his own family. The fact they live many miles away and are away from familiar surroundings also helps him to forget. I know he will open up when and if he is ready. I also make a point of showing him how much he is so important in our lives and will continue to do so. Jeff's death changes nothing as to his own needs. Life continues on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted January 25, 2015 Members Report Share Posted January 25, 2015 I agree Victoria, going away for a bit to a quiet place with a loving sibling may begin a great way to just BE. The tears are part and parcel of it, let them come when they need to and notice the sense you feel after a big cry. Do you feel a bit lighter? If you are inclined to do so, keep a journal, for me it marked some steps that helped me when I looked back to see just how far I had actually come. So often we don't feel as though we have, but when our pen notes the days we can more easily see the steps we have taken. Keep us posted. Kate, yes spring will come, but it is too soon for these bulbs to be sprouting. Yikes, we have much more winter to go and I am worried about nature's changes lately. I do however look forward to those early April sprouts, the kinds of green that are not seen at any other time...the smell of the soil as it brightens to the sun. Today winter has revisited. We are having windy and cold snowy weather. I would like to have more of this, another month of solid below 32 degrees weather so as to let nature count on the season for all of its needs. However, we are to go up to 40 again mid-week. My little Grandboy is under the weather with nausea and I am guessing it will get to Little Erica too. I just pray like crazy that they don't have any complications to the flu. Little Dude is 5 months old today! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members InHeavensKeeping Posted January 25, 2015 Members Report Share Posted January 25, 2015 Hi everyone Shannon I too am tired so tired I'm new to this journey and so consumed with loosing James that I have nothing left. I just about manage to get through each day still go over to his grave everyday. But I am worried about my girls my youngest Charlottes not coping now. She's been so strong and I realise that was for her dad and me she went back to work too soon then ended up having to be signed off by the doctor for two months over Christmas. She's back at work now but keeps having to have odd days off as she's having nightmares. She doesn't want to talk to me about them but just says there about James. I'm so worried she's only 24 and she's a young 24 My other daughter lives away she's expecting her first child has just moved so has had list of distractions but she also doesn't open up to me and I'm worried that it's suddenly going to hit her hard I so agree that thus is a journey we all have to face head on, no hiding or giving up just hard hitting reality second by second of everyday. I said to my husband today as we were on our way to the grave, we take our dogs for a walk first, everyday, and it's hard because it takes effort to sort three dogs out, as we now have Charlottes dog too, he was saying that we shouldn't take them with us everyday but I said at least it takes up part of the day and there is not so much to get through once were home. He said there's no point living thinking like that But that's how I feel at the moment. I have nothing left to give and I feel nothing. Sending my love and prayers to you all tonight God Bless Georgina. I Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted January 26, 2015 Members Report Share Posted January 26, 2015 Georgian, I am sending good thoughts to you and to your Daughters. I hope that Charlette will be able to find some peace over time but I am very glad that her doctor is seeing to her taking time slowly as far as work is concerned. WIll her employer pay respect to this? THe bad dreams are so exhausting, so horrid to carry through each day, sometimes not fully remembered and just the residual disconnected feelings staying with you. Those remembered just replay along with so much else on that loop. Did you write down the name of that book, Name All the Animals, someone new on site did and forgive me but I have not remembered who is who yet. Anyhow, it is memoir written from the sister's point of view when her own brother was killed in an automobile accident. Alison Smith is the author and I found it a well written account of the broken heart of a sibling. I sure hope that you all find ways and tools to help you through another week, another month. I am excited for you all with the birth of a new one in the family. Peace Georgina. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted January 26, 2015 Members Report Share Posted January 26, 2015 Dee....ugh....the tummy virus...is so contagious....but if they do not give him anything except sips of water...it will pass through his system faster....but..oh....for one that young to have it is a battle of suffering for the parents to watch over...hope Baby Movie Star does not get it... Georgina.....nightmares are so hard to control.....for we need that healing sleep so very much on this grief journey....and siblings have a bond like no other.....I do hope your daughter can get some tools to help her with this challenge... we had a 'new little man' born in our family 4 months after John David passed....it was as if a gift came to us from the heavens.... as far as what you do.....just do what you feel like doing....if you want to take 3 dogs walking or ten....or wear your panties on your head.....or roll a peanut down the hill......as I have said....you are the 'star' of your movie... Victoria.....what a perfect get-a-way for you.....and yes....some healing time....I do like it is a tiny town....and yes....you may have a chance to keep those hands busy......when my hands are busy....I feel lighter.... Kate....I went to lunch today with Austin...he came in for the week-end from U of Texas in Austin....and Pibby and daughter, Randa....crawfish season is here.....and I told them about my plans for designs for my back yard....Pibby is excited to know we will be planting all kinds of veggies....it will be a new adventure for both of us...will get started building raised beds and a new covered patio area in February.....in this part of Texas...they put out tomatoes in February....(that is what they tell me)... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members TearsInHeaven Posted January 26, 2015 Members Report Share Posted January 26, 2015 An incredible thing happened to us today. First, let me say that I believe in God and all that goes with it. Being Sunday and all I did my prayers and of course Michael is always first on my list. I prayed that God just give me any kind of little sign that he is ok and I could get through this.. I am not a facebook person but my husband is. He got on facebook this evening and there was a private message for him from a long time friend of my son's. They had know each other from as long ago as preschool and went all the way through high school together. They stayed friends past that but she lives here local and he went away to college and then moved out west. She is a mom with two children of her own. She messaged my husband and told him of a dream she had 2 nights ago and she was walking arm in arm with Michael and he was smiling and looked wonderful. He told her he was doing ok and not to worry. She had no idea where they were but she said it was so beautiful. I just wanted to share. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RicknTommysMommaa Posted January 26, 2015 Members Report Share Posted January 26, 2015 finally got hold of my sister.. she is the artistic one in the family.. well for pictures/ drawing, and the like..anyway, i have asked her to do a picture for me.. Rick had a tattoo.. he was having it worked on, finished up, covered an awful tat he had gotten as a teenager.. Penny has agreed to try.. i know it will hurt but it will be another memory i can keep.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted January 26, 2015 Members Report Share Posted January 26, 2015 Beautiful tattoo, I hope that your Sis will create a wonderful rendition of this. Dianne, I love that your Son's friend walked along with your Boy and he told her how well he was. That is a huge sign and one that is gift for sure. How nice of her to share it as such, how nice that you received it now. Your Boy is working t let you know that he is better than fine. Yes Susan, it is so contagious. His Mom tells me that he has a cold and choked while nursing, that that is when he threw up, so I assumed the stomach flu. Glad that it is not and keep hoping that the kids will be fine through this germy season. Peace out Gang, deep sleep Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Shannon-Trista'sMom Posted January 26, 2015 Members Report Share Posted January 26, 2015 Victoria,I think is wonderful that your Sister is going to try to draw Rick’s tattoo for you. I love the tree. It’s beautiful and will be a keepsake you will treasure for sure. I’m doing sort of the opposite. I’m going to have a tattoo done of one of Trista’s drawings and her signature. I think it will be a good thing for you to visit your brother and have some quiet time and space. I still have those days where I let myself imagine just going away for a while. Georgina,I’m keeping Charlotte in my thoughts. I think you are doing well to let her know that the door is open and you are there to talk when she’s ready. Zak is only 16 so he’s a bit younger but I do know he doesn’t open up much. He didn’t at all in the early days. He is just starting to more and that is just bits and pieces at a time. It is a hard hard journey and I agree, there is now way around… just straight through. I also want to echo what everyone else has said… just do what’s right for you and that may change from day to day or moment to moment. In the beginning my family didn’t understand a lot of what I did. My husband just wanted things back to normal. It was hard and I felt like I had to defend my right to grieve… my way and in my own time. I tried to ‘educate’ those closest to me by printing things off the internet or sharing things that helped explain where I was at with it all. I understand that tired, empty feeling. Dee,This weather concerns me too. I was pretty shocked to see some of the bulbs coming up already. It’s been such a warm, wet winter. I thought maybe because Trista’s garden is right next to the house, the furnace and dryer vents come out directly over it. Maybe because of the mild winter it created sort of a greenhouse effect? I don’t know. I’m afraid though, if we get a deep freeze now it will interrupt the cycle for them. Maybe not. I’ve never had this happen before. I hope that little one gets feeling better soon. Hopefully his Sis can avoid it but I know with kids how hard it is to keep from passing it around. Sending hugs and wishes for peace and comfort for everyone today. We got a couple inches of snow last night and I’ve promised Aiden some time outdoors today. We’ve had so much rain he hasn’t had the chance to be out a lot this winter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Shannon-Trista'sMom Posted January 26, 2015 Members Report Share Posted January 26, 2015 Diane,Love Love Love the dream. That truly is a special gift from Michael. I'm so glad it was shared with you when you needed it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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