The private grief world

[KayC]

That's about the same with me, it was cut way short by his untimely death all too early.  I'd been in a 23 year marriage with my kids' dad before George and it was never good.  I did my best with it but...honestly, I felt single in it, very alone, except I got his controlling, not fun.  George was my person and I his.  We knew it early on.

[DWS]

On 5/4/2024 at 12:22 PM, KayC said:

Spent an hour trying to rotate a PDF and save it, too cheap to pay Adobe's price, knowing there has to be a way to save it w/o it going back to making me view it sideways.  (Costco order, had it's own issues).  Finally got it done with Bullzip.  Now to remember how.  Sigh again.  Such is aging alone...

Aww jeez...glad to hear you were finally able to do it but when it comes to tweeking pdfs, there are online sites where you can do it totally for free without downloading any software. I googled and found this if and whenever you need to do any rotating pdfs again:  https://www.ilovepdf.com/rotate_pdf  I tried it and it works like a charm! I also don't want to pay for Adobe's expensive software and refuse to pay them a monthly subscription fee. 

[KayC]

Bullzip is free and I figured out how to make it work, my son told me about it years ago, been using ever since, it's just different w/Windows 11 than it was with 10 or 7.

[RichS]

2 hours ago, Boggled said:

a lot of the sadness is just plain related to the constellation of feeling we call "love."

To Boggled and LMR : I have similar feelings every day and I feel your PAIN. Part of me is missing. What I continue to struggle with is the fact that I need to be grateful for the blessings I still have in my life (too many to mention); and not dwell to much on the part of me that is missing that can never be replaced. That is my daily challenge.

[RichS]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

We can't just go back to before we knew life with them.  What we can do is look for good in each day and learn to carry our grief.  It doesn't leave us as "before" though.

Words spoken by a wise lady...................putting into practice each day can be a grind..............

[Cath61]

On 4/22/2024 at 8:08 PM, KayC said:

I worked my tail off today, moving heavy pieces of metal from under the patio, cat scratchers from the patio, cots from the shop, a weight set from patio, ironing board, you name it, ready to toss in dumpster when it's delivered...and melted down, George, we were supposed to be doing this together, we were supposed to grow OLD together!!!

 

[Cath61]

My feelings exactly....why did you leave me???

[JonathanFive]

It comes in waves, been very heavy since last Thursday.  On the 8th it will be 5 months...   Seems like a time that some sort of change or evolution of emotion would start to settle in.  Probably a heavy wave that will last for weeks

[Bou]

On 2/3/2024 at 10:20 AM, DWS said:

Ever since @RichS shared an excerpt from a book that his friend (a grief counselor) is writing, I've been fascinated by the words "private grief world" that he used. What a perfect description of what eventually happens to most of us who have lost a loved one....particularly for those losing a partner or spouse. It really is a place where I know I am. While others in our lives try to hurry us along in the hopes that we'll smile again and are relieved when they see glimpses of that, we know that those are only temporary. There are all of the other times when they don't see us in our grief because it really does become a singular journey. Unfortunately after all of this time, I don't really have anyone to open up to about this continual hurt and sadness other than my partner's daughter...and even with her, I try not to give her too much concern about me. So I stay within this world of continual mulling and search for reason and meaning.

As I come up to the two year mark, I now start to wonder just how much processing Tom's unexpected death will take before I can find any solace in this...or is there a chance I may never find that? Is that something for me to hope for? Is that a goal? In my private grief world, I only have my continual thoughts and thankfully, this discussion board to rely on for sharing and releasing. My grief counselling ended a few months ago. At some point, I may seek more perhaps as a way to help me out of this. But then again, I don't even know if I want to!

Do you feel you are in your own private grief world? Do you have others who understand that and who sincerely respect it?

Grief is such an individualizing thing.  we all do it at our own pace.  I don't think we ever get over our loved ones passing but it just gets easier to live with the new way of living.

  I am in the same place.  I never had therapy.  I don't have many people to talk about this with.  This forum has saved me.  A lot of people don't want to talk about it or hear it or see it....they don't want to see me in a constant state of sadness.  I know I have complicated grief.  I too don't want to bother other people with my sadness.  No one wants to be around someone that is in the dumps all the time.  When you lose someone you totally loved you are in the dumps and it can take a long time to climb out.  I have had people tell me its been so much time I need to move on.

 No one else knows that I have been doing the absolute best that I can!  I had no choice but to go back to work a week after his passing.  I had people that counted on me.   Plus I am a worker not having routine, or something to do was not good for me either.  My head has been a tornado of emotions.  I have been in and out of multiple phases of grief.

 I care for my adult daughter with MI.  She was very close to her father so dealing with her grief upon my own grief has been overwhelming to say the least and this house.

 I wonder how I do it everyday.  I just do.  I am horribly lonely!  Miserablely lonely.  

I don't know if we will ever find solace.  We do deserve happiness.  I just don't know how to go about that.  We were such a team.  I feel like half of myself now.  I feel overwhelmed.  Unsettled.    I am always telling myself and trying to help myself  in reminding me that he wouldn't want me to be like this.  He would want me to move on and be happy and live.  I just don't know how?!  No one ever prepares you for this.  I just know I have to keep trying and be ok when I am not ok.  

  I come here to get help and help others.   This has been my therapy.  You should hope and hold hope close to your heart and allow it.  Wouldn't you have wanted that for your loved one if it was the other way around?  I know I would have wanted him to move on and be happy.  He would have done a better job at that at me. 

I mull too. I search too.  I have had to look at who I really am as being just me.  What do I like?  I have been wife, mother, grandmother, friend, care taker and who am I?   What do I like?  I have found out a few things along the way so far.  Whatever I can find happiness or something other then blah I look into it.  I have found healing in crystals.  Collecting them learning about them.  Thinking about something else besides my sorrow.  I have entertained cooking....lol.   Have engaged in a few other things that have brought me something,  a trickle of interest.  Its the hardest thing not having your person to share things with, talk with, be there.  All the things.  I have had to find things that interest me.  I go to the book store and read books on grief and start crying and stop reading them.  I don't want to buy them because its not something I want to keep reading over and over again but I too look for meaning and understand and who am I now?  How do I be ok.  The more you do it the easier it gets or more normal it gets.   Hope this helps.   You are not alone in your thoughts and feelings

[WithoutHer]

I've been living inside my grief and everything Bou just posted is so relatable. But I haven't the interest in attempting to change anything about my circumstances. I'm so congested and coughing all the time it's difficult to even think about finding somewhere I could socialize with new people. I'm alone, except for the pets, each and every day. When I feel the need to speak to Vickie I share my words with them. I feel the need to come here and voice my feelings but they feel the same each time I do. I guess knowing everyone here gets it that makes feeling redundant OK . I'm not really improving. I still have a cry at least once every day. Like so many I read words here every day to keep some association with others to fill some of the loneliness. It's just such an awful emptiness to live with I don't know that I will ever feel like I've moved forward at all. I'm truly not forcing myself to make any effort because it's just me and the animals and it doesn't seem to matter. I think Vickie would be disappointed in me being like this but I don't have any thing to look forward to any more. I just get thru each day and each day feel that empty space in my life.

[KayC]

7 hours ago, Bou said:

I care for my adult daughter with MI.

Wow, that is tough.  And working on top of all this, that is a lot.  I had to go back to work too, within two weeks, then the business closed down and I had to commute 100 miles/day.  When my dog, Arlie, got cancer and died, that was really tough to go through alone.  Getting Kodie (my service dog) was my saving grace.  The scare we had this week was really rough, but I have a lot of determination, I've no doubt we would have made it through his exploratory surgery and recovery, but oh man, it would have been tough!  This week has seemed like a year.  Add to that bears and cougar attacks on our street (killed two sheep 24 hours ago).  

5 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

I guess knowing everyone here gets it that makes feeling redundant OK .

Yes, we do.  My tears dried up years ago but one can cry on the inside.  An eye doctor told me I literally cried all my tears up.

[Boggled]

It has been argued that an important task of coping with grief is—to some extent – to exclude the ‘other-from-self’ (Boelen & van den Hout, 2010). This would involve gradually becoming less “merged” with the deceased, such that a bereaved individual needs to become less reliant on the deceased’s identity, resources and perspectives for their own self-identity.    from this article :  It’s not who you lose, it’s who you are: Identity and symptom trajectory in prolonged grief | Current Psychology (springer.com)

well, I know in my own case that very early on AFTER, I'd come to the conclusion that "he is still in me."  Maybe, because I and some of us other people on here, do still keep "them" in my heart, CLING to their memories, CLING to the "old ways," that were "our ways," and there is huge emotion involved in the clinging, huge love and loyalty ... MAYBE ... well ... maybe it's okay and really worthy, for ourselves and the rest of the world, that we live with this emotion and continuing our "prolonged grief."   Because we do still carry our loved ones in our own self-identity.   I don't WANT "to exclude the 'other-from-self'.  But part of my 'other' that I'm carrying in my 'self' was a pretty tough strong person, and my 'other' would also be searching for a way of "coping with grief."   And he is in me.  So, regardless of being "merged" with the deceased, and very very very slowly in my case, I AM COPING.  Just by little by little starting to do more things and BEING.  And in my case, that is, BEING 'US.'  ... but then, maybe I'm just totally whacked.    yeah, ah well ... so???

[RichS]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

I had to go back to work too, within two weeks, then the business closed down and I had to commute 100 miles/day.

That's one of many things I'm thankful for. It's tough enough to be grieving; to have to be working would be an added burden I don't need at this time of my life.

 

4 hours ago, KayC said:

My tears dried up years ago but one can cry on the inside.

Yes, the pain is still the same, minus the waterworks.

[Boggled]

23 hours ago, Boggled said:

It has been argued that an important task of coping with grief is—to some extent – to exclude the ‘other-from-self’ (Boelen & van den Hout, 2010). This would involve gradually becoming less “merged” with the deceased, such that a bereaved individual needs to become less reliant on the deceased’s identity, resources and perspectives for their own self-identity.    from this article :  It’s not who you lose, it’s who you are: Identity and symptom trajectory in prolonged grief | Current Psychology (springer.com)

re-reading this, they mention that the bereaved individual needs to become "less reliant on the deceased's identity, resources and perspectives for their own self-identity."

Yep, makes sense, BUT it does not address the huge other aspect:  the love between the two.  

[WithoutHer]

2 hours ago, Boggled said:

re-reading this, they mention that the bereaved individual needs to become "less reliant on the deceased's identity, resources and perspectives for their own self-identity."

Yep, makes sense, BUT it does not address the huge other aspect:  the love between the two.  

Much easier said than done. I for one actually have no desire to do that. I'm sorry to the writers but to me it just feels wrong.

[JonathanFive]

5 hours ago, Boggled said:

re-reading this, they mention that the bereaved individual needs to become "less reliant on the deceased's identity, resources and perspectives for their own self-identity."

Yep, makes sense, BUT it does not address the huge other aspect:  the love between the two.  

Careful, careful reading studies.  For every argument in research that can be supported through another person's research, an opinion from a conflicting viewpoint can also be supported by other research.

I'm so sure I could write a paper and argue that a loved one must become more reliant on the identity of the deceased to move forward in their grieving process, I could totally support the supposition, "we cannot distance ourselves from a permanent connection to our deceased loved ones; cognitively, we are the sum of our memories, and that our brains cannot separate us from our past; nor we should try."

 

[JonathanFive]

In other news, I'm waiting on the final grades for my latest "PhD level" class to come in.  I should know them by tomorrow night.  I need 84% or better to pass the class, and the last two assignments I handed in "arrg"

Everybody pray!!  I need 840 points or better for the term

[HisMunchkin]

2 minutes ago, JonathanFive said:

In other news, I'm waiting on the final grades for my latest "PhD level" class to come in.  I should know them by tomorrow night.  I need 84% or better to pass the class, and the last two assignments I handed in "arrg"

Everybody pray!!  I need 840 points or better for the term

Good luck!!!

And did you see the hematologist?  Hope you're feeling all better! 💝

[LMR]

3 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

Much easier said than done. I for one actually have no desire to do that. I'm sorry to the writers but to me it just feels wrong.

I agree, to distance myself from the things that we had developed together and shared and that made us complete would be to take away the best bits of me. Not sure what I would be left with. I met him when I was 20, half a century ago. 

[KayC]

28 minutes ago, JonathanFive said:

I need 840 points or better for the term

Hoping and praying with you...let us know!

[JonathanFive]

38 minutes ago, HisMunchkin said:

Good luck!!!

And did you see the hematologist?  Hope you're feeling all better! 💝

I haven't yet.  Its crazy!!  I got offered this new job, which I desperately needed, and the caveat for this thing was "no time off during training," so I probably won't get to hematologist in June.  

I can't even explain this, but basically, I couldn't get off from work, and the doctor could not accommodate an appointment change to an earlier date

[HisMunchkin]

3 hours ago, JonathanFive said:

I haven't yet.  Its crazy!!  I got offered this new job, which I desperately needed, and the caveat for this thing was "no time off during training," so I probably won't get to hematologist in June.  

I can't even explain this, but basically, I couldn't get off from work, and the doctor could not accommodate an appointment change to an earlier date

That SUCKS!  When does training end?  Can you re-book?  How are you feeling?

[JonathanFive]

2 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

That SUCKS!  When does training end?  Can you re-book?  How are you feeling?

I'm ok 🙂

The job I took has an interesting caveat.  But the job market right now??????

Its crazy.  Its a bunch of artificial intelligence reading resumes that artificial intelligence is writing - and nobody is getting hired. https://www.msn.com/en-us/money/other/ai-bots-are-taking-over-the-job-application-process-everyone-is-losing/ar-BB1mbz3t?ocid=BingNewsSearch

 Least to say, after may 21st, I should be able to make a dr. appointment

I know, not my fault.   The economy, the country, the world is just beyond messed up nowadays.

 

[KayC]

I've read that.  If I was looking for work nowadays I'd probably be on the streets.  They say it's who you know, not what you know, and that puts me out of luck.

Will be thinking of you waiting for 5/21 to come so you can make a doctor's appt.  Someone I know fell and broke her nose and shoulder really bad and has been awaiting the VA to notice and oblige her with their acknowledgement so she can get the referrals she needs for surgery, so far all they have done is let her down.  Meanwhile she's in serious pain.  Fortunately she has a lot of friends and a good church.

[DWS]

On 5/11/2024 at 9:11 AM, Boggled said:

re-reading this, they mention that the bereaved individual needs to become "less reliant on the deceased's identity, resources and perspectives for their own self-identity."

Yep, makes sense, BUT it does not address the huge other aspect:  the love between the two.  

I've always been pro-psychology and interested in research surrounding human emotion but I'm afraid when it comes to the study of grief and loss, the conclusions from these intelligent minds miss the mark because they skirt around the understanding of love itself....and unless they have felt the tremendous pain of losing their loved one, their findings are basically futile. There really is no antidote for this pain but I guess because grievers cry out for one and therapists try to meet that call, it really does come down to the question that the Bee Gees asked...how can you mend a broken heart? There's a Gene Pitney song that had the answer..."only love can break a heart...only love can mend it again". 

[Boggled]

On 5/9/2024 at 10:09 PM, Bou said:

I don't know if we will ever find solace.  We do deserve happiness.  I just don't know how to go about that.  We were such a team.  I feel like half of myself now.  I feel overwhelmed.  Unsettled.    I am always telling myself and trying to help myself  in reminding me that he wouldn't want me to be like this.  He would want me to move on and be happy and live.  I just don't know how?!  No one ever prepares you for this.  I just know I have to keep trying and be ok when I am not ok.  

Solace, "comfort or consolation in times of sadness," I find but in teeny tiny bits here and there;  the day I first felt the lack of the severe PAIN just standing in a store deciding if I wanted a pillow, the "things I can't talk about on here," there are tiny bits of solace.  I think, because we did "merge" with our partners, we certainly recognize what you say, "I feel like half of myself now."  And that word "unsettled" is very similar in concept to DWS's talking about, iirc, the relaxed look of people who are happy and comfortable ...    "be ok when I am not ok" ... yes.  Me, it goes in and out, in waves, at least it's not the truly huge overwhelming incredible pain it was at first, for me.   (but you also say "I feel overwhelmed,") I HOPE you are better now, than you were at the beginning!  

13 hours ago, JonathanFive said:

Its crazy.  Its a bunch of artificial intelligence reading resumes that artificial intelligence is writing - and nobody is getting hired.

This morning I was wondering, why aren't I very good at dealing with the "modern?" my husband seemed more comfortable with "modernity" than me.  really your comment about AI does make me laugh a little, but for those of us really dealing with and in it, it's not funny!

48 minutes ago, DWS said:

I've always been pro-psychology and interested in research surrounding human emotion but I'm afraid when it comes to the study of grief and loss, the conclusions from these intelligent minds miss the mark because they skirt around the understanding of love itself....and unless they have felt the tremendous pain of losing their loved one, their findings are basically futile. There really is no antidote for this pain but I guess because grievers cry out for one and therapists try to meet that call, it really does come down to the question that the Bee Gees asked...how can you mend a broken heart? There's a Gene Pitney song that had the answer..."only love can break a heart...only love can mend it again". 

"they skirt around the understanding of love itself ... "  well "therapists try to meet the call" ...  at least they try.   Like banging your head against a brick wall, over and over.  I'm reminded of that "Old Hippie" song by Bellamy Brothers, "just trying real hard to adjust."

[DWS]

1 hour ago, Boggled said:

This morning I was wondering, why aren't I very good at dealing with the "modern?" my husband seemed more comfortable with "modernity" than me. 

My partner Tom was the modern techie in our relationship. His home computer had three monitors. When he was here on weekends, he brought his laptop and iPad. He had his Apple watch....used to drive me bonkers waiting for him to adjust the watch to track our distance and speed when we went out on our walks. And that damn watch would interrupt our chat to tell us when we reached another kilometer. He was the one who got me acquainted with texting. I rarely used my cellphone before I met him. Also self-checkout at the grocery store and using my debit card. Before he came along in my life, I was still strictly paying with cash. Debit certainly became the go-to in the covid years and now that's how I pay for everything....and now I mostly use self-checkout for the few measly little items I get at the store. He really did change some things in my life. 

[Marq]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

I've read that.  If I was looking for work nowadays I'd probably be on the streets.  They say it's who you know, not what you know, and that puts me out of luck.

Will be thinking of you waiting for 5/21 to come so you can make a doctor's appt.  Someone I know fell and broke her nose and shoulder really bad and has been awaiting the VA to notice and oblige her with their acknowledgement so she can get the referrals she needs for surgery, so far all they have done is let her down.  Meanwhile she's in serious pain.  Fortunately she has a lot of friends and a good church.

The VA works on the concept of "benign neglect."  That is, if they ignore the patient, and the patient does not really need to be seen, they will go away.  Patients that need to be seen will keep making noise.  It is a TERRIBLE way to practice medicine.   I hope your friend keeps poking that slow moving behemoth until they get the help they need!

[RichS]

2 hours ago, Marq said:

The VA works on the concept of "benign neglect."  That is, if they ignore the patient, and the patient does not really need to be seen, they will go away.  Patients that need to be seen will keep making noise.  It is a TERRIBLE way to practice medicine.

Vets deserve the best medical care after serving their country....................

[KayC]

I agree, Rich, yet someone I know (Denise) is a veteran and they won't even answer her need for a referral for surgery that the ER doctor marked URGENT!!!  Nothing.  I wish Peter DeFazio was still our congressman, he'd have been on them like a tick on a hound!  Yet it's been a week and nothing...

She's being a squeaky wheel yet still they won't answer, and everything cause her severe pain...very broken nose and shoulder!  Needs surgery last week, but nada...

[HisMunchkin]

21 hours ago, JonathanFive said:

I'm ok 🙂

That's a relief!  I hope it was just because you were low on iron.

21 hours ago, JonathanFive said:

Its crazy.  Its a bunch of artificial intelligence reading resumes that artificial intelligence is writing - and nobody is getting hired. https://www.msn.com/en-us/money/other/ai-bots-are-taking-over-the-job-application-process-everyone-is-losing/ar-BB1mbz3t?ocid=BingNewsSearch

Job seekers, frustrated with corporate hiring software, are using artificial intelligence to craft cover letters and résumés in seconds, and deploying new automated bots to robo-apply for hundreds of jobs in just a few clicks. In response, companies are deploying more bots of their own to sort through the oceans of applications.

The result: a bot versus bot war that’s leaving both applicants and employers irritated and has made the chances of landing an interview, much less a job, even slimmer than before.

I'm sorry, but I just had to laugh a little. 🤖💫🤖 ---> 💥💥💥

 

[widower2]

9 hours ago, RichS said:

Vets deserve the best medical care after serving their country....................

And yet......

Don't get me started on the joke that is military medical care (vet or otherwise).

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

3 hours ago, widower2 said:

Vets deserve the best medical care after serving their country....................

I have never registered with the VA.  When I retired from the Navy and went to work for SONY, I figured I had some good medical coverage through the workplace, for me and Veronica, in addition to TriCare.  Perhaps I was being naive at the time, but I figured I would leave the VA to those who really needed it.  Since then I have heard horror stories of veterans not getting timely care, or receiving insufficient care.  Over the years, my health has been good overall, and Veronica was the one who needed medical care.  I mentioned previously she was completely taken care of by TriCare and Medicare.  Me, I have never used the VA.  

[KayC]

Still, I would register before you need it.  A friend of mine uses it for all his care, it's a pain in the axx to get help initially but once the ball is rolling, can be helpful.  He got his Eloquis paid for through them but it took 1 1/2 months for them to initially come through.
Denise got a message on her phone too late to get back to them before the weekend but will try again this week.  Do they think she's sitting around waiting to hear from them?  She's going to doctors to get a different sling, Rxs, etc.  No thanks to them.

[JonathanFive]

4 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

I mentioned previously she was completely taken care of by TriCare and Medicare.  Me, I have never used the VA.  

Thank you for your service Rey.  I am sorry for Veronica, but I am glad to hear that she was taken care of

I also understand about the private insurance from Sony...   Private insurance depending on the plan can be really good.

Don't know how you woke up.   Definitely woke up in grief myself.   It's like that in the morning before coffee for me.  It usually subsides a little.   Ouch!!

[DWS]

It's so weird as I enter into my third summer without Tom. The emptiness is still with me. I live with and gotten used to his absence and there's a sad acceptance that lingers. I'm realizing that it's continual...a continual darkness that the brighter, nicer weather and my gardens aren't able to lift for long. But it's not so dark that it stops me from doing the usual yard work. We've had a lot of rain in the past couple of days so everything in the gardens is looking very healthy. It actually looks quite nice out there but my heart says "meh".  

[LMR]

1 hour ago, DWS said:

It's so weird as I enter into my third summer without Tom. The emptiness is still with me. I live with and gotten used to his absence and there's a sad acceptance that lingers. I'm realizing that it's continual...a continual darkness that the brighter, nicer weather and my gardens aren't able to lift for long. But it's not so dark that it stops me from doing the usual yard work. We've had a lot of rain in the past couple of days so everything in the gardens is looking very healthy. It actually looks quite nice out there but my heart says "meh".  

This will be my 4th summer, though it's not here just yet. The sun came out this weekend at long last and it was nice to feel the warmth on my skin and to go for a walk without a coat for the first time in months.  But then come the niggly thoughts that we should be doing this together. It's been so long and yet it still feels like yesterday.

[Cath61]

2 hours ago, DWS said:

It's so weird as I enter into my third summer without Tom. The emptiness is still with me. I live with and gotten used to his absence and there's a sad acceptance that lingers. I'm realizing that it's continual...a continual darkness that the brighter, nicer weather and my gardens aren't able to lift for long. But it's not so dark that it stops me from doing the usual yard work. We've had a lot of rain in the past couple of days so everything in the gardens is looking very healthy. It actually looks quite nice out there but my heart says "meh".  

I feel the same way, my husband's been gone 3 months and was a big fisherman.  My kids want me to put the boat in the water, and I will, but  it's bringing up such a sadness and I feel the unfairness of the situation.  I  want my husband back! I also did flowers and feel the same "meh" .  Upside, cardinals have been visiting a lot!

 To 

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

19 hours ago, JonathanFive said:

Don't know how you woke up.   Definitely woke up in grief myself.   It's like that in the morning before coffee for me.  It usually subsides a little.   Ouch!!

Same for me.  Stiff back helps me focus on getting up and then my thoughts go to saying “Good Morning, love you” to Veronica in my head, then sit down with my coffee.  

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

So, I mentioned to our younger son and DIL that I was toying with the idea of driving to TX in the summer to visit family and a couple of old friends.  Told them I was considering going in the summer, possibly in August.  After expressing some concern about me driving alone (it’s about a 12 hour drive), they said they might like to come with me on the trip.  I think they are worried about me being on the road by myself.  In actuality, for the past about 22 years, I been doing all the driving when Veronica and I went on a road trip, beginning with her DL being canceled due to too many incidents related to low blood sugar, and then losing her left lower leg.  I think I need to make the trip by myself, one of those things I have to do without my bride in the passenger seat.  One of those “firsts”.  Have to figure out a way to tell them.  Perhaps I’ll fly and rent a car there, instead of driving, although I do enjoy the drive.  Heck, I’m only 70!  

[LMR]

2 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

So, I mentioned to our younger son and DIL that I was toying with the idea of driving to TX in the summer to visit family and a couple of old friends.  Told them I was considering going in the summer, possibly in August.  After expressing some concern about me driving alone (it’s about a 12 hour drive), they said they might like to come with me on the trip.  I think they are worried about me being on the road by myself.  In actuality, for the past about 22 years, I been doing all the driving when Veronica and I went on a road trip, beginning with her DL being canceled due to too many incidents related to low blood sugar, and then losing her left lower leg.  I think I need to make the trip by myself, one of those things I have to do without my bride in the passenger seat.  One of those “firsts”.  Have to figure out a way to tell them.  Perhaps I’ll fly and rent a car there, instead of driving, although I do enjoy the drive.  Heck, I’m only 70!  

12 hours is a long drive but maybe you could split it up and do an overnight stop somewhere. You may also find yourself crying and that can be dangerous when driving. I agree that you probably need to do this "first". Just allow yourself plenty of time. I hope your son and DIL will understand.

My husband and I loved to go on road trips. For us it was as much about the journey as gettting somewhere. I don't drive but fortunately he really enjoyed it. Still, I would always be keeping an eye on him and if he started to get tired I would make him stop for a rest.

[KayC]

3 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

Have to figure out a way to tell them.  Perhaps I’ll fly and rent a car there, instead of driving, although I do enjoy the drive.  Heck, I’m only 70!  

If you want to drive there alone, tell them that, you shouldn't have to change your plans if you enjoy it.  12 hours isn't that far...says the person who doesn't like driving alone for three hours!  But I'm a country folk, not a city folk, not wild about freeways, although we do have to drive highway to get groceries or go to the doctor!

[DWS]

15 hours ago, Cath61 said:

My kids want me to put the boat in the water, and I will, but  it's bringing up such a sadness and I feel the unfairness of the situation.  I  want my husband back!

My heart truly goes out to you as you face your first summer and all of the "firsts". I don't have kids but I can imagine the struggle of trying to meet their needs through this while dealing with your personal and sometimes silent heartbreak.

15 hours ago, Cath61 said:

Upside, cardinals have been visiting a lot! 

Strangely, I have a pair of cardinals lingering in my backyard too! They definitely give me a bit of a boost when I see them. 

[Boggled]

6 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

So, I mentioned to our younger son and DIL that I was toying with the idea of driving to TX in the summer to visit family and a couple of old friends.  Told them I was considering going in the summer, possibly in August.  After expressing some concern about me driving alone (it’s about a 12 hour drive), they said they might like to come with me on the trip.  I think they are worried about me being on the road by myself.  In actuality, for the past about 22 years, I been doing all the driving when Veronica and I went on a road trip, beginning with her DL being canceled due to too many incidents related to low blood sugar, and then losing her left lower leg.  I think I need to make the trip by myself, one of those things I have to do without my bride in the passenger seat.  One of those “firsts”.  Have to figure out a way to tell them.  Perhaps I’ll fly and rent a car there, instead of driving, although I do enjoy the drive.  Heck, I’m only 70!  

Good for you, Rey, just for the WANTING to do it.  

It's nice your younger son and DIL are concerned ... but you need to do what YOU want to do IMHO.

What to do with the cats?  I now have 4 cats ... and my one friend has said "they could stay here IN MY CARPORT ..."  in your carport?  my precious kitties ?  😟  and to go on a trip of more than a week, how much would that cost for four cats at some "shelter?"   

For me, just driving to meetings on Sundays about 13 miles away, and back, is nice!  I drive roads that are winding, beautiful, and slow, with very little if any traffic on Sundays, and it gives me some feeling of quiet, peaceful pondering-while-driving ... lately I've been noticing, I'm enjoying ... just driving!  Dunno about highway driving long-trip though.

[RichS]

2 hours ago, DWS said:

Strangely, I have a pair of cardinals lingering in my backyard too! They definitely give me a bit of a boost when I see them. 

Pretty birds, for sure. Too bad their chirp is faint. We had a cardinal incendent around the corner from me. Various cars had brown, plastic bags covering their side view mirrors.  It seems that some some cardinals kept on pecking on them before that. The story goes that they were doing that because the bird they saw in the mirror was (in their mind) another cardinal; which was a threat to them. Somehow they eventually got some sound advice from someone (another cardinal??), had a "That's you in the mirror, you idiot!" moment, and once again, peace prevailed upon the land.

[LMR]

19 hours ago, Cath61 said:

I feel the same way, my husband's been gone 3 months and was a big fisherman.  My kids want me to put the boat in the water, and I will, but  it's bringing up such a sadness and I feel the unfairness of the situation.  I  want my husband back! I also did flowers and feel the same "meh" .  Upside, cardinals have been visiting a lot!

 To 

Could you perhaps make a little ceremony out of it? 

[WithoutHer]

8 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

Perhaps I’ll fly and rent a car there, instead of driving, although I do enjoy the drive.  Heck, I’m only 70!  

I have made many trips driving 14 to 19 hours over the years and enjoyed them all. I'm also 70 but since Vickie passed I feel like I'm going on 90 and don't know if I could do a drive like that again without her.

[RichS]

1 hour ago, WithoutHer said:

I'm also 70 but since Vickie passed I feel like I'm going on 90

I know the feeling. I try not to look at myself in the mirror for very long.

[HisMunchkin]

16 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

 I think I need to make the trip by myself, one of those things I have to do without my bride in the passenger seat.  One of those “firsts”.

I know what you mean.  I feel a need to face "firsts" at times.  And then afterwards, even though it may have hurt doing it, I do feel a sense of empowerment.  And I usually do it with him in mind, like feeling that he's still with me, encouraging me, joking around with me like old times.  That's how I carry on.  I'm remembering how it felt having him beside me, and I now carry that feeling wherever I go, whatever I do. 

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

15 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

I have made many trips driving 14 to 19 hours over the years and enjoyed them all.

We made two long road trips, one in 2013, from Sandy Eggo to Peyton, CO, to visit an old shipmate and his wife who we were close to in the Navy, and another trip in 2018, driving to Newport, OR, for a ship’s reunion.  Long trips we split in half staying in a hotel for night and continuing the next day.  The trips were always an adventure as we went to new places.  I drove, Veronica would read and check on me to make sure I was okay.  Great memories.