The private grief world

[Boggled]

Today, an absolutely beautiful spring day, walking back from the mailbox, just started crying again.  It's just ... I MISS HIM!  I MISS HIM!  I MISS HIM!   I MISS HIM!

[KayC]

I worked my tail off today, moving heavy pieces of metal from under the patio, cat scratchers from the patio, cots from the shop, a weight set from patio, ironing board, you name it, ready to toss in dumpster when it's delivered...and melted down, George, we were supposed to be doing this together, we were supposed to grow OLD together!!!

[Gail 8588]

It must be in the air.  I have the same thoughts. All this stuff, living, is just super hard alone.  Today things felt overwhelming.  

I am concerned that I am not going to be able to get home owner's insurance.  I have a 4 point inspection tomorrow  and that will be telling.  My house was built in the 1930s. I know it has quite a few 'old home issues'  electrical panel undersized for today's  high energy use, plumbing is old and funky, water comes out rusty if I haven't used a faucet in awhile, hot water takes a long time to get to the tub in the hall bath, the roof is more than 10 years old, not sure how much older, but the bigger problem is part of the roof is a rolled flat roof and I know nobody wants to insure those. 

If the insurance companies say I have to bring everything up to current code, there is no way I can do it. 

My notice of nonrenewal gives me until June 10 before I am without coverage.  Just a lot of stress.  I've  never gone without insurance.  I just wish John was here to help figure this out. 

I do love living in my little old quirky home.  It feels snug and safe.  Not sure what I'll  do if I can't  get insurance. Won't  be able to sell it for much if it is not insurable.

Well, hoping for the best on this inspection tomorrow. 

[JonathanFive]

1 hour ago, Gail 8588 said:

I do love living in my little old quirky home.  It feels snug and safe.  Not sure what I'll  do if I can't  get insurance. Won't  be able to sell it for much if it is not insurable.

Well, hoping for the best on this inspection tomorrow. 

I think I've seen you mention that you're in Florida.  Have you tried citizens?  In the home too old for citizens?  I wouldn't know.   - we have citizens through Brightway Insurance Agency.   Florida home insurance is a mess right now.  

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

4 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

It must be in the air. 

Driving the Red Cross van to do a couple of deliveries this afternoon, sitting at a stop light, and all of a sudden, my eyes tear up at some random memories of Veronica, then I picture marker and the tears start up again.  Had to try and snap myself out of it as the light turned green, telling myself “get your head back in the game, you have get somewhere quickly.”  

Tonight, our son the moving company truck driver set out on another road trip.  He had been working on getting recertified as a driver, after a brief demotion to being a helper.  I was glad for him as he enjoys the driving part and the pay is much better.  But as he left the house and I heard him drive away, I started sobbing as I turned to Veronica’s picture on the wall.  Holy cow!  I guess maybe I will miss his company, even as I wanted him to be back on the road.  I appreciated that he was here and we spent time together, even if he frustrated me a bit when he would make a mess in the kitchen just to prepare a bowl of Udon noodles.  Last year he went on the road in May, just as Veronica started dialysis.  Then he had to get going again after her memorial in July.  So Veronica was not here to send him off with a hug and a kiss.  Made me miss my bride even more.  😪

[KayC]

I have a 46+ old mobile home w/o a foundation, if I sold the place they'd tear it down, not worth a thing except to me...just got my homeowner's bill, over $2,000.00!  Rose 40% last year, more this year.  When is this all going to end?  I have nine years left to pay and have to have homeowner's meanwhile...Only ones who will cover is Foremost.

Gail, I hope and pray with you!  🥺

[RichS]

I've lived in my house for 27 years and never filed an insurance claim. Two years ago, we had a bad storm which caused one of our trees to partially fall on our roof (the top part of the tree). When I contacted our insurance company (a major named company), the told me that roof damage due to falling trees carried a $2,700 deductible. It cost us less than that to have the tree removed; so it was useless to file a claim. 

Wish I had a crystal ball when we moved in. We would have self-insured our house and ended up with a small fortune in our bank account after all these years. OK, back to reality..........................

[RichS]

11 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I do love living in my little old quirky home.  It feels snug and safe.  Not sure what I'll  do if I can't  get insurance. Won't  be able to sell it for much if it is not insurable.

Gail:  I came across this website. Maybe they can help you:

https://www.harrylevineinsurance.com/home-insurance-for-older-homes/

 

[Gail 8588]

RichS, 

Thanks for the interesting article.  It described some of the problems with getting coverage on older homes.  My house has several of the issues listed, and a few others.  Sadly they gave no tips on how to overcome these impediments other than limit your coverage, if the companies  will offer any coverage. 

I got my 4 point inspection today. The inspector found everything to be in good working order, but . . .  I have a 15 year old 20 year roof part of which is a flat  roof,  galvanized pipes, and some old fabric covered electrical lines going into panel box.  None of those things are liked by insurance companies. 

Now the search begins in earnest, what companies will offer me what kind of coverage at what price?  Will they require systems be brought up to current standards?  How much will that cost?

It's  a fair amount of stress. But at least the inspection did say everything was in good working order.  He said the roof has 5 years of good service remaining. 

So the inspection turned out as good as I could hope for. 

 

[Gail 8588]

21 hours ago, JonathanFive said:

. . .   Have you tried citizens?  . . . Florida home insurance is a mess right now.  

When John and I lived in St Augustine we had Citzens. Our home there was built in 1897.  There was no private company that would provide coverage for a home that old.  I was pleased with Citizens.  In the 14 years we lived there we had hurricane  claims 3 times, each less than $50,000. Even with those claims  the premiums were quite reasonable. 

My current house was built in the 1930's.  

Now that I have my inspection, I will have to see if any company will write a policy for my house. If no one will, it is my understanding that then I can apply to Citizens.  But it is my understanding that Citizens doesn't  just automatically agree to provide coverage these days.  They may require you to put on a new roof, update the electric or plumbing or both and then see if you can now get private insurance. 

I am not at all sure how this process works.  How much money can you be required to spend? What if you don't  have the money?  I don't  know how that gets resolved. 

My best hope is that with my inspection report saying all systems are in good working order, a private company will offer me coverage on the house as it is, and at a price that is not too outrageous.   (The inspector volunteered that I should expect my premium to at least double.)

Fingers crossed that this will work out. 

[KayC]

Mine has doubled since Covid, it's nuts, one claim many years ago and I got stuck with that.  I hope you get coverage!  The price is insane but I was glad to get coverage.

 

[KayC]

I have worked so hard this week, I can't believe I did this almost single handedly. The Mormon missionaries were late as they had a flat tire, they were in and out of here within 1/2 hour, two of them standing there while one of them lifted the blower box (weighs like an engine) and put it into the dumpster! Same one stacked the rest of my son's hemlock boards onto the stack I'd started, across the carport. The Aaron's will move it back after the work is done. I got all the rakes, shovels, etc. put handle down into a metal barrel in the middle of the carport. Got piles of stuff to toss away little by little, stuff to give away, which I did to a neighbor (the antique scythe I got down from the wall (it's huge), an antique gas can, and some tools). They got my bike rack down from the rafters and I put a free sign on it by the road. If no one takes it I'll throw it away too. Several cuts and five smashed fingers/knuckles later, I was done. Get this: Iris had the gall to call me and want someone from my church to come help HER!!! Are you kidding me? None of them helped ME!!! They're older and few of them. She's so self centered she didn't even think anything amiss about her demand. Shake head...

[HisMunchkin]

Today, I laid down next to my husband's urn, holding it with one hand and just cried.  Then I ate a slice of dried mango - something we used to share.

[DWS]

A friend from my past recently showed up out of the blue and it's felt like my private grief world has slowly become invaded. It's kinda weirding me out and something that I'm needing to learn to navigate.  I haven't seen this sort of subject discussed on here but maybe others can relate. I keep trying to edit this down to a shorter read so bear with me.

Larry and I were bar-hopping, music-loving buddies in the 1980s when we were in our fun twenties. Back then, I was also the DJ in a couple of downtown clubs on the weekends. Larry lived out of town but would come into the city with friends and dance the night away because he was a big fan of the music I played. Lots of good partying times in those years. Towards the end of the decade, he moved on to the big city of Toronto which is two hours east of where I live. We kept in touch for a while but as it goes with many friendships, distance has its way of severing them a bit. There were still times on weekends over the later years where he'd just show up unexpectedly with friends to whatever club I was DJing at.

When he showed up for a visit three weeks ago, it had been seven or eight years since we'd last been in contact with each other. His sister still lives in the area and as he told me, he's been visiting her a bit more in the past three years since her husband passed away and was determined to look me up this time to see if I was still around. He pulled up totally unexpectedly in my driveway in his fancy red sportscar. The hood was up on my van when he arrived and I was busy hooking it up to a battery charger because the damn thing was strangely drained of power (this sorta gives you a good picture of how different our two lives turned out....lol!)

We had good chats over coffee for the next two hours. I first let him update me on his life which still seems to be going quite well for him and his longtime partner. They both have recently retired, bought a different house a couple of years ago and have been fixing it up. No doubt it'll be a palace when they're finished. I then took a deep breath and told him of my loss and the past two years living with grief. Because we hadn't talked in so long, he didn't know that I had found a wonderful partner in that time let alone that he passed away so unexpectedly. He was warmly responsive and sympathetic to my loss. What was happening for me in that moment was that I had a chance to unveil what was brewing in my heart to a person who I have history with and who cares about me. I didn't think there was anyone left from my younger past. His appearance that day showed me that there still is.

Since then, we've chatted on and off. His presence in my life has reintroduced me to the person that I was before loss and grief wiped it out.  I had read how grief is tricky that way and now I understand that a bit more. I've also become aware of how deep in a black hole I've been even though I've been coping with the usual matters of the day that life throws at us. The question remaining from all of this is who am I now.

 

[HisMunchkin]

DWS - that is great news!  Sounds like it was a wake up call that there is more to life.  I'm glad your old friend showed up.  As humans, we need other people.  We need connections.  Even an introvert like me need some socializing with other humans.  Even better is when it's with someone with whom you share a history with.  Maybe this experience gave you a big push forward in your healing process?  It sounds like a very good thing.  I hope you'll continue onward on this path and find more peace and joy as you go on!  💝

[DWS]

It certainly reawakened me. I had an absolutely terrible sleep that night after his visit. My mind was trying to process so much. Of course, that seems to be what's going on continually with all of us here who are grieving. Throwing something like a visit from a friend from long ago into the mix and suddenly, I have all of this new info and new insights to contemplate. 

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

Today, April 28, was another of those firsts.  Veronica and I would celebrate our proxy-anniversary.  You see, when I was on my submarine in Pearl Harbor in 1975 and Veronica was in TX starting to plan our wedding, her godmother came up with the idea of a proxy-wedding.  We would be legally married so I could start drawing the little bit of extra pay and get us set up with an apartment before our church wedding in August of 1975.  Crazy idea, but it worked.  I got a power of attorney for my father to stand in for me in the courthouse, and he and Veronica stood before the justice of the peace and formalized our legal marriage, with her parents and my mom as witnesses.  You can very well imagine the ribbing and the jokes that came my way with that exercise.  So, since then, we have celebrated our proxy anniversary in April and our church wedding anniversary in August.

In a bit of coincidence, April 28 of 2004 is when Veronica had to undergo below-the-knee amputation (BKA) of her left leg.  After a couple of years of fighting and dealing with an open sore and infections on her left foot, the time came for drastic measures.  We became more of a team all during that ordeal and after as I cleaned her wounds and helped her with all the troubles around that.  “In sickness and in health” and all that.  😪

[KayC]

Congratulations on your wedding anniversaey!🥰

2 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

You can very well imagine the ribbing and the jokes that came my way with that exercise.

Thank you for sharing that story, I love it!  

Yes, in sickness and in health.  I used to work for a prosthetic and orthotic company, a friend of mine became the owner and is now retired from the business, but never from the research, he still works out in his shop trying different things, even though in his 80s.  Did she ever get a prosthesis or did her wounds not heal?  Was she AK or BK?

[HisMunchkin]

Happy belated proxy anniversary!  I had my first anniversary without him earlier this April too.  We also had a first meeting anniversary in March.  I wrote him a letter on our wedding anniversary in a notebook.  I plan on writing him some more when I feel like it.  Although just talking to him in my head makes me feel closer to him than writing a letter.

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

21 hours ago, KayC said:

Did she ever get a prosthesis or did her wounds not heal?  Was she AK or BK?

Yes, in Oct of 2004 she was fitted for a prosthetic leg.  She was BK.  The surgeon left as much of her lower leg as possible.  She actually did very well with her prosthetic leg, walking with her rolling walker for the most part.  Then about 2012 she had to get a C.R.O.W. boot on her right foot due to Charcot foot disease, which means the bones on her foot were cracking and healing and cracking due to brittleness.  This big clunky boot made walking for Veronica a challenge after that.  It was like wearing a removable cast on her right foot.

13 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

Although just talking to him in my head makes me feel closer to him than writing a letter.

I do that a lot, talking to Veronica all the time.  

[KayC]

I'm so sorry.  BKs are easier to adjust to than AKs, but not if you have what she had going on.

[Boggled]

On 4/27/2024 at 12:19 PM, DWS said:

Since then, we've chatted on and off. His presence in my life has reintroduced me to the person that I was before loss and grief wiped it out.  I had read how grief is tricky that way and now I understand that a bit more. I've also become aware of how deep in a black hole I've been even though I've been coping with the usual matters of the day that life throws at us. The question remaining from all of this is who am I now.

who am I now?   

For me, still cleaving to HIM.  BUT he died.   I gave my life to him, so WHO AM I NOW?  I have moments, right after this past Sunday's Urantia meeting, (just four other humans and me) I drove slowly home noticing how beautiful the whole route was, and there were a couple of my cats, mewing as I walked from the car back to the house ... "why'd you leave us out here?  LET US IN RIGHT NOW!"  ... and I LAUGHED at them, and said some cheery bright words to them (that I don't remember now),   and I noticed ... I'd changed AGAIN, the human company had been "good" for my SELF, whatever it is.  I think it's a strong state of flux, right now;  maybe the flux will never end.

[DWS]

19 hours ago, Boggled said:

who am I now?   

For me, still cleaving to HIM.  BUT he died.   I gave my life to him, so WHO AM I NOW?

It's weird for me to get to this age and to never have heard the word "cleave" before until your references to it in the past few days. What a strange word...one that has two opposite meanings and known as a "contronym" which is another word I'd never heard of. Anyway, it can mean to adhere/cling and also divide/sever. Weird weird weird!!

But yes, I can see "cleaving" is a big part of this now. Cleaving and not leaving him in the past is the challenge going forward. Tom's photo sits on my desk right beside my computer that I work at daily. His photo is in my den where I eat dinner and watch tv. Another photo is on my bedside table with my cat Dolly's photo beside it....my little family that I lost within a three month timeframe.  I've not been putting any pressure on myself to remove them at some point. The question I suppose is this a part of "cleaving" that eventually needs to ease? Who am I now?! I'm one of the Cleavers!

[Boggled]

and very funny about the Cleavers, btw.   😄   and interesting about the word "cleave," never realized it was, or ever heard that word "contronym."   All we really have is our own mind, brain, emotions, experiences, and consequent beliefs, that I, at least, constantly "update."   this cleaving idea is an "update."  😄   Just pondering away ... 

Edited Wednesday at 04:36 PM by Boggled
added word "experiences"

[Boggled]

merged interdependent identity, hunh.   Yep I THINK this is interesting:  (underlining added by me)

"According to the “self-expansion model” (Aron et al., 1992, 2004) individuals incorporate loved ones into their own sense of self to enhance self-efficacy and their achievement of goals. Such blending of identity in couples has positive consequences for relationship quality and constructive relationship maintenance (Walsh & Neff, 2018). In the context of bereavement, however, this blending of identity has negative consequences for coping. It has been argued that an important task of coping with grief is—to some extent – to exclude the ‘other-from-self’ (Boelen & van den Hout, 2010). This would involve gradually becoming less “merged” with the deceased, such that a bereaved individual needs to become less reliant on the deceased’s identity, resources and perspectives for their own self-identity. Our results support this hypothesis, since only post-bereavement “inclusion of other-in-self” scores predicted the maintenance of grief symptoms over and above initial grief reaction. This suggests that those who have been more successful in the task of building a more independent-self in relation to the deceased post-loss are better able to cope with bereavement and reduce their grief symptoms over time.

It’s not who you lose, it’s who you are: Identity and symptom trajectory in prolonged grief | Current Psychology (springer.com)

[Boggled]

if we have merged our individual identity with that of our lost loved one, I SUSPECT we don't WANT to become "successful in the task of building a more independent self."  

 

[LMR]

1 hour ago, Boggled said:

if we have merged our individual identity with that of our lost loved one, I SUSPECT we don't WANT to become "successful in the task of building a more independent self."  

 

Absolutely.

[WithoutHer]

2 hours ago, Boggled said:

if we have merged our individual identity with that of our lost loved one, I SUSPECT we don't WANT to become "successful in the task of building a more independent self."  

 

No. The way I understand it, it feels too much like it's a requirement to put her in the forgotten past to be an independent me. I'd rather keep her close in my feelings than do that. Not that I think I could if I tried.

[widower2]

I think this is being made somewhat more complicated than necessary tbh. Trying to continue our lives without our loved one in some meaningful way doesn't mean we miss them or revere them any less...what else are we supposed to do? Sit in a corner staring at a wall and mope? That "proves" how much we loved them? Nonsense. We're certainly entitled, but I see no point in that. I certainly don't intend to speak for anyone else, but my beloved wouldn't want that at all. So as hard as it is, I try to live life and appreciate the gift of life in general without her. It's hardly my first choice, but welcome to life: we don't get our first choices very often. 

[LMR]

3 hours ago, widower2 said:

I think this is being made somewhat more complicated than necessary tbh. Trying to continue our lives without our loved one in some meaningful way doesn't mean we miss them or revere them any less...what else are we supposed to do? Sit in a corner staring at a wall and mope? That "proves" how much we loved them? Nonsense. We're certainly entitled, but I see no point in that. I certainly don't intend to speak for anyone else, but my beloved wouldn't want that at all. So as hard as it is, I try to live life and appreciate the gift of life in general without her. It's hardly my first choice, but welcome to life: we don't get our first choices very often. 

I wish it wasn't so but I am the one in the corner moping. I do go out. I go on shopping trips or meet up with friends or family but whatever I do I am never wholly engaged. Part of me is missing, there is nothing that can fill that gaping hole.

[shawnt]

Do we think it is actually a choice ? To cleave or not to cleave? 

It implies that I am choosing pain over something else in a wilful manner. That doesn't feel quite right. I don't think I had much choice but to fall in love with my Suzy and share our life as one and now with her gone I will miss her forever. I can choose to do other things; go to work while missing her, play with a baby while missing her , hold someone else's hand while missing her,but I think the missing her will never abate. I have more but I am crying to much thinking about the rest of my life without her

 

[RichS]

8 hours ago, widower2 said:

So as hard as it is, I try to live life and appreciate the gift of life in general without her. It's hardly my first choice,

So true, and yet so hard to practice every day. 

[KayC]

2 hours ago, shawnt said:

Do we think it is actually a choice ? To cleave or not to cleave? 

It implies that I am choosing pain over something else in a wilful manner. That doesn't feel quite right. I don't think I had much choice but to fall in love with my Suzy and share our life as one and now with her gone I will miss her forever. I can choose to do other things; go to work while missing her, play with a baby while missing her , hold someone else's hand while missing her,but I think the missing her will never abate. I have more but I am crying to much thinking about the rest of my life without her

 

That's how it is for me.  I try to focus on the here and now and look for and appreciate the good, holding hands and cuddling with him is long gone now, as I well know.  We never stop missing them...just so we don't let it deter us from living life to our fullest.  And I know that's hard.  Very hard to get used to.

[Boggled]

From the article quoted above, from:  It’s not who you lose, it’s who you are: Identity and symptom trajectory in prolonged grief | Current Psychology (springer.com)

"... only post-bereavement “inclusion of other-in-self” scores predicted the maintenance of grief symptoms over and above initial grief reaction. "

I for one do think that in our marriage, we both did the "inclusion of other-in-self" thing.   Thinking about it, what you said, widower2, 

9 hours ago, widower2 said:

Trying to continue our lives without our loved one in some meaningful way doesn't mean we miss them or revere them any less...what else are we supposed to do? Sit in a corner staring at a wall and mope?

well yeah.  what else ARE we supposed to do?   I think, although our loved ones became part of our identities, our "selves," at least in ME, he's still in me, in a LOT of ways, his ideas, our long history together, what he would say or how he would react about some experience, or event, or thing, ... lots of things FROM him, are still IN ME.   I don't want to lose that too!   (and like shawnt says,):

2 hours ago, shawnt said:

Do we think it is actually a choice ?

And the interconnectedness was/is so very strong, the intertwining of our selves was/is so intertwined, that the grief just hits again and again over and over;   maybe? it might be?  that I seek his corroboration of what I think would have been his reaction?  and then he's not right there as he always WAS?  is that what happens?  not entirely that but maybe part of the grief?  it's deep and inner.  and yeah, sort of like "having had half of your self ripped away."  Because "inclusion of other-in-self" ... it happened!  in my case, over 20 years!   And I don't want to lose him!  ever!   so there's the element of "don't want," but also the element of "what are we supposed to do?"  and gradually I think that's what I'm doing, at least becoming an "identity" (that includes him!) that is able to BE, even without his physical presence, and WITH the memories and the ongoing pain/hole.

[Boggled]

I'm recalling, and I posted about, my "pillow incident," that I posted on March 2, 2023;  that was 9 months "after," and after those 9 months, I finally had an "identity experience," as I realize it was, NOW, where I felt enough "identity" to have a FIRST moment of peace:

Looking at the world through different lens - Loss of a Partner - Grieving.com, Help for Coping with Loss Types: Child, Mother, Father, Wife, Husband, Mate, Pet, Friend, Sibling, Sister & Brother

and it had to do with BEING ... "BEING" as in "identity."

[HisMunchkin]

On 5/1/2024 at 8:59 AM, DWS said:

But yes, I can see "cleaving" is a big part of this now. Cleaving and not leaving him in the past is the challenge going forward. Tom's photo sits on my desk right beside my computer that I work at daily. His photo is in my den where I eat dinner and watch tv. Another photo is on my bedside table with my cat Dolly's photo beside it....my little family that I lost within a three month timeframe.  I've not been putting any pressure on myself to remove them at some point. The question I suppose is this a part of "cleaving" that eventually needs to ease? Who am I now?! I'm one of the Cleavers!

I don't see why you would need to remove photos of your late husband and cat.  What's the harm?  Does seeing their photos make you sad?  

I'm still wearing my wedding ring, and have his on my bracelet.  Sometimes rubbing his ring makes me feel closer to him.  It's comforting to me while going through the grief, and that comfort gives me strength to move forward.   

5 hours ago, shawnt said:

To cleave or not to cleave? 

Which definition?  To adhere to or to sever? 😛

 

Cleave or not cleave and where to cleave and where to not cleave.  Whatever gives me strength to move forward and heal.  You have to voluntarily choose healing, when you're ready, and healing does not mean forgetting or leaving behind the one you love who has passed away.  It means adapting to life without them.  Sometimes that involves acknowledging the pain that you feel, and crying when you need to.  Other times that involves opening your heart and mind and learning to appreciate all the beauty that life still has to offer.  Most importantly, it means remembering to take good care of yourself.  You can do all that at the same time as continuing to carry the loved one in your heart.  Why does it have to be one or the other?     

[widower2]

2 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

I don't see why you would need to remove photos of your late husband and cat.  What's the harm?  Does seeing their photos make you sad?  

Speaking for me, I couldn't look at her photos for quite awhile.

 

[HisMunchkin]

10 minutes ago, widower2 said:

Speaking for me, I couldn't look at her photos for quite awhile.

 

Actually, I couldn't either, but I had to look at many photos cause I wanted to put up an online memorial for him.  It was hard, but also nice to be reminded of our time together.  To each his/her own.  If someone in mourning finds it comforting, then I don't see what would be wrong with that.  If it find it hard to bear, then of course, don't do it.  I'm still avoiding watching shows that we used to watch together, or using the TV in the basement at all.  When I'm ready and feel like it, I will start watching those shows, maybe even on that TV someday.   Not watching doesn't do any harm to me so it's not really affecting my healing journey.  Oh the other hand, not sure if bombarding myself with those show will help with healing either, lol.

[WithoutHer]

5 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

Actually, I couldn't either, but I had to look at many photos cause I wanted to put up an online memorial for him.  It was hard, but also nice to be reminded of our time together.  To each his/her own.  If someone in mourning finds it comforting, then I don't see what would be wrong with that.  If it find it hard to bear, then of course, don't do it.  I'm still avoiding watching shows that we used to watch together, or using the TV in the basement at all.  When I'm ready and feel like it, I will start watching those shows, maybe even on that TV someday.   Not watching doesn't do any harm to me so it's not really affecting my healing journey.  Oh the other hand, not sure if bombarding myself with those show will help with healing either, lol.

I found myself scrambling to find pictures of her because I actually only had one hard print of her and I together created and given to me by her daughter. We didn't actually take very many pictures of each other either. But she had a camera loaded with photos of her and family and some of our trips together especially to Alabama for the holidays one year. So I pulled the card and loaded all of those photos onto the new computer I bought for her at Christmas just 2 months before she passed. There are over 500 photos of her and family and a couple including me. They scanned time not long before we met to approximately 8 years after. That night I sat and viewed all of them. But like I've said here before I do have a difficult time using that computer for obvious reasons.

[KayC]

I spent days going through pictures and downloading them for his kids and making a collage for his funeral.  I have some pictures up on the wall.  But other than that I rarely go through pictures, just too painful.

[HisMunchkin]

7 hours ago, KayC said:

But other than that I rarely go through pictures, just too painful.

Even now, or just early on? 

[KayC]

No, now.  I had to go through them early on.