The private grief world

[DWS]

I've been laughing a bit this morning after writing about the song "Eleanor Rigby". I have it on a 45rpm but it's listed as the B-side. The A-side is the one I adore..."Yellow Submarine"...and how ironic is that! It's had me thinking how significant that contrast is to our tragic life events...at one time enjoying life on the A-side and now it's flipped to the B-side. 

"As we live a life of ease (a life of ease)
Everyone of us (everyone of us) has all we need (has all we need)
Sky of blue (sky of blue) and sea of green (sea of green)
In our yellow (in our yellow) submarine (submarine, ah-ha)"
 

[Gail 8588]

Yes, the meaning of the lyrics of songs like Eleanor Rigby are much more clear and meaningful now.

I wish I didn't  know now what I didn't  know then. 

[JonathanFive]

This type of loss is also a complete loss of innocense...  I know

[HisMunchkin]

 

On 2/3/2024 at 1:55 PM, DWS said:

This is a video that I found early in my online grief travels. It still hits me hard but soothes too....

That video's message is spot on!

 

 

On 2/3/2024 at 2:02 PM, JonathanFive said:

“We are all alone, born alone, die alone, and—in spite of True Romance magazines—we shall all someday look back on our lives and see that, in spite of our company, we were alone the whole way. I do not say lonely—at least, not all the time—but essentially, and finally, alone." - Hunter S. Thompson

Is that true? How do you decide if that is true or not?  From an evolutionary standpoint, it's questionable.  We are social creatures, we categorize our groups to know, "who is with us, and who is against us," we became the dominant species on this planet, "together," and certainly did not do it alone. We're born from a mother and a father, we're socialized and educated to interact with our families, our communities other cultures.

That often happens with humanities though, that we take one aspect of art, or one perspective from an artist, and apply it as a truth of all human existence.  How often though, is something so black and white?

Considering all the beneficial microbes both in us and on us, we are never alone!.... 😜

 

On 2/3/2024 at 9:47 PM, RichS said:

I have to admit that I'm fighting the tendency to think that by moving forward, I'll be leaving her behind.

I get this feeling too.  I also worry that the memories of him might fade.  That the feelings of being with him will fade.  With time, losing more and more of what I have left of him.

 

22 hours ago, weswej said:

Thank you and everyone else who replied and sent hugs. I'm sorry for the loss to each and every one of you, too. I really feel the connection here. I do try to get through the days and take pleasure in small things. My husband John told me several times during his brief battle with cancer that he wanted me to be happy. It's not that I'm trying not to be happy--if that makes sense--but I just haven't found the way yet. I'm hopeful that someday I'll get there. I know that's the best way of honoring his memory. So glad to have found you all. Thank you, thank you.

Welcome!  I'm pretty new here too.  The people here have been fantastic.  They have helped so much.  I feel less alone being here, and I hope you will too! 💝

[KayC]

I couldn't get my printer to work today, I'm trying to do taxes.  I needed to print my new insurance card, nope!  But when I was looking in my wallet, I found George's driver's license and a post it saying I ❤️ U Little One! ❣️, your man T.A.T. (thru all time)

It warmed my heart.

6 hours ago, DWS said:

Waits at the window, wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door

Wow, I never noticed back in the 60s...

[JonathanFive]

7 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

Considering all the beneficial microbes both in us and on us, we are never alone!.... 😜

And why do we grieve?  If we're alone our whole lives, "what's the grieving about?" If we are always alone, then losing a person should be, "inconsequential."  

Hunter S. Thompson may have been, "alone," he may have never grieved, but one man's outlook does not make a human truth.

[DWS]

10 hours ago, JonathanFive said:

And why do we grieve?  If we're alone our whole lives, "what's the grieving about?" If we are always alone, then losing a person should be, "inconsequential."  

Hunter S. Thompson may have been, "alone," he may have never grieved, but one man's outlook does not make a human truth.

I want to be careful here and hope I'm not being out of line in saying that I think you're better off to listen to your own heart than Hunter S. Thompson. I'm slightly embarrassed to say I didn't know who he was so I googled to find out. By all accounts, he never had to live through such a deep loss as those of us here have....and as we go through this horrible time, we learn that that's quite important when it comes to who will understand our grieving heart. He may have had a great intellect and insightful mind (both a blessing and a curse) but by the sounds of it, he took himself way too seriously. In the Wikipedia writeup, this stands out for me: Thompson admitted during a 1978 BBC interview that he sometimes felt pressured to live up to the fictional self that he had created. 

For me,  the greater question is whether we can only truly learn about life from love and the loss of the one we gave our heart to. On paper, it certainly would seem easier to not have to go through this and I do have a couple of single friends both in their late 70s who will likely live out the rest of their lives that way. But their cold, dismissive ways of looking at things tells me how much they've missed. 

[JonathanFive]

@DWS   You're right 🙂

[KayC]

Absolutely! I wouldn't spend my time turning to someone who knows not what they're speaking of!

[shawnt]

Once again we are back to the truth of living a good life. A life with no love is useless and empty. A life lived with a soul mate is priceless and full of joy, complete. When an inevitable loss occurs, as it must; the survivor must weight the cost of love and decide if the joy was worth it.

No matter how much agony I will endure I answer yes,yes I would do it all again . 

[KayC]

Absolutely!  As would I.  I've read a lot of people who are of a different mindset though.  I would not do away with any of my time with George for anything in the world.  Wouldn't it be neat if they could read these words we right so they KNOW how we feel about them!

[shawnt]

I would like to believe that they do.

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

15 hours ago, shawnt said:

the survivor must weight the cost of love and decide if the joy was worth it.

No matter how much agony I will endure I answer yes,yes I would do it all again . 

Yes, yes!  That!  I told Veronica before she passed that we had a GREAT life, with some bumps and rough spots along the way, but I would do it all over again with her in a heartbeat.  

[widower2]

As the old saying goes, "better to have loved and lost than never loved at all."

 

[RichS]

3 hours ago, widower2 said:

As the old saying goes, "better to have loved and lost than never loved at all."

How true...................In our marriage Chris has made me a better person in many ways. If not for her I probably would have remained single; standing on the sidelines watching life go by, not making much of difference in my life or other peoples lives. I still have single friends and relatives; and wouldn't have traded my journey with theirs.

[DWS]

I had a private moment of grief happen yesterday morning. I had dropped off a small order to my customer and had pulled up to a red light two blocks away. There to the right of me were two guys standing side by side waiting for the light chatting with one another...one tall and one not-so-tall in their winter jackets, toques and both wearing sneakers. It looked like they were out for a mid-morning walk. They were the picture of Tom and I. Tom was the tall one. I'm the shorty. I sat there in my van and couldn't take my eyes off them. It was the perfect image of us....one that I've only been seeing in my mind but here it was right there. My tears started to fall and I had to fight an all-out cryfest because I was sitting in the inside lane but what a challenge. It was truly one of those the-way-we-were moments...and there I was, tears streaming down my face with drivers all around me unaware of this doofus driving away in his private grief moment. 

[JonathanFive]

This hurts right now.  This just hurts, hurts, hurts.  I have will to turn out the lights, and burn candles.  Ouch, ouch.   I think that since it's now two months in, the initial shock in, "worn off," and I am just left with emotion, without the adrenaline that accompanies shock.

[7779311]

13 hours ago, DWS said:

I had a private moment of grief happen yesterday morning. I had dropped off a small order to my customer and had pulled up to a red light two blocks away. There to the right of me were two guys standing side by side waiting for the light chatting with one another...one tall and one not-so-tall in their winter jackets, toques and both wearing sneakers. It looked like they were out for a mid-morning walk. They were the picture of Tom and I. Tom was the tall one. I'm the shorty. I sat there in my van and couldn't take my eyes off them. It was the perfect image of us....one that I've only been seeing in my mind but here it was right there. My tears started to fall and I had to fight an all-out cryfest because I was sitting in the inside lane but what a challenge. It was truly one of those the-way-we-were moments...and there I was, tears streaming down my face with drivers all around me unaware of this doofus driving away in his private grief moment. 

My heart breaks for you. I'm sorry it wasn't you and Tom standing on the corner.

[Tina3ka]

Hello to everyone, just by accident I have stumbled into this forum and just by reading for a few minutes ...reading about the private world of grief and this quote has especially stuck with me.........realizing how difficult it is to carry grief and not being able to fully share it with others. ....

I have suddenly lost my partner and father of our 3 kids last year, in the begging of May it will be one year. I am thankful kids are big and they seem to be doing ok and it is great as I would want them to continue with their lives, especially as they are at the begging of a life journey.

But I have to work, so day to day I must get by....and it is a struggle...I feel like no one in my vicinity understands, really understands...they all just want to make me better and you will meet someone new and I feel just not to feel bed for me any more. I don't over explain, infarct I don't like to speak about it to the people that or do not know or also they want to forget....

My father has died in 2016, my mother has found a new partner fairly quickly, about a year....and she does not understand, she wants me to mauve on and don't think about it. I feel like this will never end and my life will never be sometning again....I never thought my older years would be whiteout him.

[KayC]

Welcome!  I hope you continue coming here to read and post, it helps to get your feelings out where people underrstand and get it.  As you can see, different people handle their grief differently, doesn't make it wrong, just wrong for you.  My husband has been gone nearly 19 years, I'm growing old w/o him.    (I'm 71)

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[RichS]

16 minutes ago, Tina3ka said:

I feel like this will never end and my life will never be sometning again....I never thought my older years would be whiteout him.

Welcome to our board! Here you will find caring, sympathetic people who understand what you are feeling because we go through the same feelings ourselves every day. We try to support each each every day. Hope you will continue to read and post on this board. It will be helpful to you.

[Boggled]

10 hours ago, JonathanFive said:

This hurts right now.  This just hurts, hurts, hurts.  I have will to turn out the lights, and burn candles.  Ouch, ouch.   I think that since it's now two months in, the initial shock in, "worn off," and I am just left with emotion, without the adrenaline that accompanies shock.

The PAIN was what I wanted to stop!  And the initial shock, for me, I THINK now, carried on for many months...  similar to PTSD, not about adrenaline I don't THINK.  

[Tina3ka]

Thank you very much KayC and ReachS. i am sorry I will have to figure out how to make a quote from your posts😳.

In the tips that you have posted I can find so much about me and the process , thank you very much I will definitely save it. 

3 hours ago, KayC said:

To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.

oh I did it  ....I am the same ....I had to force myself to not think ahead as I am this kind of person in life....have to have all possibilities on the table....but now I have found out that by going trough this grief it makes my every fear and anxiety or stress much much worse, it is just like it gets piled up on top of everything. I need to take it day by day just to be able to breath and function. I have briefly thought about going - suicide - just at the beginning... but just a quick thought that my kids would be whiteout both parents made me stop. I can not do this to them! That was the end of this kind of ending. I have a dog, my everyday walking companion and yes it beats being alone all the time....but I do not feel like going to any kind of counseling or therapy yet at this moment...I just can't really talk about it. No so much what happened and how and the fact that it did...but my feelings, my thoughts...I feel they are mine and I carry them inside...protect them and no one can take that away from me. They are close to me.....if that makes any kind of sense at all.

In day to day life as I said I have to work still and I have managed to put aside this in order to be able to function normally ....I just put it inside in my safe place. But as soon as I talk, think of this I start to cry immediately, as I am now and for the previous post that I wrote.

Thank you so much for accepting me like this and for sure I will participate as much as possible...as I manage to learn about this.

[KayC]

You can highlight a sentence and a quote will pop up, click on that.  Or you can quote a whole post.

 

Ahh, I see you did it already!

[Tina3ka]

On 2/3/2024 at 7:55 PM, DWS said:

This is a video that I found early in my online grief travels. It still hits me hard but soothes too....

this video is exactly what needs to be done....and I actually feel much more recognized if someone says I am so sorry I just don't know what to say to make it better then when someone says , don't worry you will meet someone new.

[HisMunchkin]

4 hours ago, Tina3ka said:

Hello to everyone, just by accident I have stumbled into this forum and just by reading for a few minutes ...reading about the private world of grief and this quote has especially stuck with me.........realizing how difficult it is to carry grief and not being able to fully share it with others. ....

I have suddenly lost my partner and father of our 3 kids last year, in the begging of May it will be one year. I am thankful kids are big and they seem to be doing ok and it is great as I would want them to continue with their lives, especially as they are at the begging of a life journey.

But I have to work, so day to day I must get by....and it is a struggle...I feel like no one in my vicinity understands, really understands...they all just want to make me better and you will meet someone new and I feel just not to feel bed for me any more. I don't over explain, infarct I don't like to speak about it to the people that or do not know or also they want to forget....

My father has died in 2016, my mother has found a new partner fairly quickly, about a year....and she does not understand, she wants me to mauve on and don't think about it. I feel like this will never end and my life will never be sometning again....I never thought my older years would be whiteout him.

I'm so sorry for your loss.  Welcome to the board!  Hope you'll stay and talk about whatever you want to talk about.  We've all been through similar situations.  I find that people here understand what I'm going through a lot more than anyone I know in real life.  It has helped me immensely being here.  I hope you'll find this place helpful too.  You are not alone!💝

 

28 minutes ago, Tina3ka said:

I had to force myself to not think ahead as I am this kind of person in life....have to have all possibilities on the table....but now I have found out that by going trough this grief it makes my every fear and anxiety or stress much much worse, it is just like it gets piled up on top of everything.

Same.  I can only think about now.  Right now, I'm facing a whole lot already.  Not just with grief, but also with work related stress and sorting out my husband's affairs.  One step at a time.  You're doing great.

 

31 minutes ago, Tina3ka said:

In day to day life as I said I have to work still and I have managed to put aside this in order to be able to function normally ....I just put it inside in my safe place. But as soon as I talk, think of this I start to cry immediately, as I am now and for the previous post that I wrote.

Does it make you feel better after talking about it here?

[KayC]

Tell them that's inappropriate to tell someone in grief!  I grew some moxie when my George died. 
Or show them one of these:
What to Say (Or Not) to A Person in Grief
What to Say to Someone Who’s Grieving
5 Things NOT to Say to Someone Who is Grieving - Grief In Common

[KayC]

On 2/4/2024 at 7:38 AM, DWS said:

https://themighty.com/topic/grief/coping-with-grief-after-death/

It took me a while to reference what video you were speaking of!

[Tina3ka]

On 2/3/2024 at 10:42 PM, weswej said:

I still have absolutely no idea how to be a person on my own

I feel the same way. I knew him all my life, we went to school together from early age and were high school friends, only later have become more...but that is exactly how I feel.

[KayC]

You'll figure it out, it may take some time though.

[Tina3ka]

On 2/4/2024 at 4:43 AM, Gail 8588 said:

I was very dependent  upon my husband.

I was too...It scares me a lot. It seems that I do not know how to live alone... Yes I still work and I know what i am doing, I am responsible and on top of that part of my life....kids still come to me for advice, questions, thoughts and I am also another person with them. But when it comes to me, I do not care....i am afraid....I don't know who I am without him.

[KayC]

And that's what you will figure out, probably just not today though.

 

[Tina3ka]

1 hour ago, HisMunchkin said:

Does it make you feel better after talking about it here?

for now it feels better that I can write what I feel, I have not been able to tell it exactly like this to anyone yet....and I feel you know what I mean.

[Tina3ka]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

Tell them that's inappropriate to tell someone in grief!  I grew some moxie when my George died. 

I will save this and thank you. Yes you are right, I have always been that nodding person, he was the decisive one and sometimes I just needed him to support me and I could be too. But I know that I have to stand for myself now.

[DWS]

On 2/9/2024 at 8:49 AM, Tina3ka said:

But I have to work, so day to day I must get by....and it is a struggle...I feel like no one in my vicinity understands, really understands...they all just want to make me better and you will meet someone new and I feel just not to feel bed for me any more. I don't over explain, infarct I don't like to speak about it to the people that or do not know or also they want to forget....

My father has died in 2016, my mother has found a new partner fairly quickly, about a year....and she does not understand, she wants me to mauve on and don't think about it. 

My heart really goes out to you on the tremendous loss of your husband. I'm also so sorry to hear that you feel there is little support for your grieving heart. For many of us, it's like we are left facing two of the greatest challenges...not only dealing with the loss and continual absence of our one and only but also dealing with a revelation that those around us don't fully understand what's now gone....and that makes us feel so alone and somewhat afraid.  

So our only recourse is to start keeping our grief within for fear of someone dismissing or criticizing us. A lot of it we have no control over because we're dealing with those who have their own perceived knowledge and beliefs of what takes place when a loved one dies so most are totally naive to it. Unfortunately, your mother likely thinks or hopes you can follow her example so I can see why you've learned she isn't someone to lean upon. The one thing we can lean on is our love for our partners/spouses and the pride and respect for the close bond and history that cultivated from it. That's something that does give me strength. 

[Boggled]

39 minutes ago, DWS said:

The one thing we can lean on is our love for our partners/spouses and the pride and respect for the close bond and history that cultivated from it. That's something that does give me strength. 

I've been thinking about this matrix we all live in, we lean on a LOT of things we tend to forget about;  the farmers, the truckers, the bankers, the whole society we live in, (for instance, the people who make cat food!  ... and the people who make and sell kitty litter!) ... there are the things and people closest to us (our pets!), the Panama Canal having problems because of drought, the industry, the jobs, the "so-called news," the internet, we all, regardless of losing our closest and dearest, live in a matrix of people surrounding us that we "lean on."  

and the "inner person" that is "me" does and always will, remember!  and honor! "the close bond and history that cultivated from it."   We loved and were loved.  A pure fact.  And this grief is a form of continuation of love (I THINK).

[DWS]

2 hours ago, Boggled said:

And this grief is a form of continuation of love (I THINK).

I think that's the part that screws everybody up. A few weeks ago, I watched the movie "The Ghost and Mrs. Muir" and since then, l will laugh a little at times in thinking that I'm now in love with a ghost....I guess, really, the ghost of Tom and the ghost of our past. It's still there every day and that's the part that everyone outside of us doesn't get. There's the common thought and belief that when a husband, wife or partner dies, the relationship then ends. But tens of thousands of comments on this site says that's not at all true. 

[Tina3ka]

2 hours ago, DWS said:

The one thing we can lean on is our love for our partners/spouses and the pride and respect for the close bond and history that cultivated from it. That's something that does give me strength.

Thank you for your thoughts. Is really exactly how I feel. But I do not blame anybody...I respect each and everyone of us has it's on time line and also feelings regarding their loss. That is why I do not wish to speak to much about this to others that are not on the same wave length.

Especially my mother as she will never be able to understand our bond, love that I have for the person that he was, with all his mistakes that he made and some wrong decisions...as she keeps reminding me only of them as she did to explain about why she had moved on so quickly after my father passed. But still, I told her this, I do not blame her one bit, she did what she felt was best for her and if she is at peace with this decision I am very glad for her. I just want her to respect my time line and my feelings and if I do not feel to move on right now....as I think he will always be the one that was for me.

[LMR]

2 hours ago, DWS said:

I think that's the part that screws everybody up. A few weeks ago, I watched the movie "The Ghost and Mrs. Muir" and since then, l will laugh a little at times in thinking that I'm now in love with a ghost....I guess, really, the ghost of Tom and the ghost of our past. It's still there every day and that's the part that everyone outside of us doesn't get. There's the common thought and belief that when a husband, wife or partner dies, the relationship then ends. But tens of thousands of comments on this site says that's not at all true. 

I guess I feel a lie like I'm in love with a ghost too. I haven't seen the film but I will look for it.

I'm living with my sister now. The photos of my husband are in my bedroom. The one big one is the one I talk to. When I leave the room I blow him a kiss and say I love you. It's beginning to feel a little weird, like he's sick in bed. Shut in my bedroom forever.

I'm not sure this is healthy but I need him.

[KayC]

Well it's not unhealthy imo.  It's part of our connection.

[Jemiga70]

On 2/3/2024 at 10:20 PM, DWS said:

Do you feel you are in your own private grief world?

Absolutely. Often I feel like the last man on earth. There is no color, shape, tone, taste . . . it's a greyscale life now.

This struck me as I walked on the beach at sunset yesterday. Here I was on a tropical beach - and lucky enough to have the means to be here in the first place - and feeling an immeasureable emptiness inside. Then, of course, I felt guilty for feeling that.

I would like to be OK with my apathy instead of constantly beating myself up over it, instead of marveling at others' passion for life, at all the great important things theyre doing, at all the fun theyre having and wondering what's wrong with me that I don't feel that way too?  I would like to be OK with the reality "it's OK that I'm not OK."

On 2/3/2024 at 10:20 PM, DWS said:

Do you have others who understand that and who sincerely respect it?

Nobody close to me - friends, family - understands the pain I'm in, but I think they respect how I'm moving through it.

So many good insights on this thread. Thanks for starting it.

[Griefsucks810]

54 minutes ago, Jemiga70 said:

Absolutely. Often I feel like the last man on earth. There is no color, shape, tone, taste . . . it's a greyscale life now.

This struck me as I walked on the beach at sunset yesterday. Here I was on a tropical beach - and lucky enough to have the means to be here in the first place - and feeling an immeasureable emptiness inside. Then, of course, I felt guilty for feeling that.

I would like to be OK with my apathy instead of constantly beating myself up over it, instead of marveling at others' passion for life, at all the great important things theyre doing, at all the fun theyre having and wondering what's wrong with me that I don't feel that way too?  I would like to be OK with the reality "it's OK that I'm not OK."

Nobody close to me - friends, family - understands the pain I'm in, but I think they respect how I'm moving through it.

So many good insights on this thread. Thanks for starting it.

You shouldn’t feel guilty for feeling good about being somewhere without your love. I also wonder when I’ll start feeling ok with life and actually have a passion for it too. 

[Griefsucks810]

11 hours ago, DWS said:

I think that's the part that screws everybody up. A few weeks ago, I watched the movie "The Ghost and Mrs. Muir" and since then, l will laugh a little at times in thinking that I'm now in love with a ghost....I guess, really, the ghost of Tom and the ghost of our past. It's still there every day and that's the part that everyone outside of us doesn't get. There's the common thought and belief that when a husband, wife or partner dies, the relationship then ends. But tens of thousands of comments on this site says that's not at all true. 

The only thing that ends is that our loved ones aren’t physically with us anymore.  Ill always feel connected with my husband cuz I believe in my heart that he is with me in spirit.  Ill always have the love he showed me as well as all of our memories together in my heart forever. 

[Jemiga70]

43 minutes ago, Griefsucks810 said:

You shouldn’t feel guilty for feeling good about being somewhere without your love.

Actually, the point I was making is that I was not feeling good  - and was feeling guilty about not feeling good -  despite scenery that most people would consider inspiring or  uplifting.

As I said, I want to work towards making peace with the fact that it's OK I'm not OK.  I still tend to fight the grief, the pain of the loss, to look at it as "something to fix."

Best wishes to you as you move with your own grief.

[DWS]

28 minutes ago, Jemiga70 said:

As I said, I want to work towards making peace with the fact that it's OK I'm not OK.  I still tend to fight the grief, the pain of the loss, to look at it as "something to fix."

I think fully understanding what's now missing in our lives....continually missing... is reason enough to carry grief rather than trying to discard it or remedy it in some way. The emptiness has a very legitimate reason for being there. 

This past week, we had unusually warm and bright sunny weather. When I was out on my drives in the city, I saw many couples strolling along the sidewalks looking like they were in full leisure....enjoying the weather and enjoying their free-spirited companionship. I had that and yes, maybe even took it a little for granted because it just felt so right, secure and permanent. Never in my wildest dreams did I think or envision those times vanishing...but it did and I cannot feel anything but grief for what I now miss. Whether in time, gratefulness will eventually overcome grief to help bring me back to life, that's the question and the hope. But I'm this way for now and feel it is totally justified. 

[Griefsucks810]

1 hour ago, Jemiga70 said:

Actually, the point I was making is that I was not feeling good  - and was feeling guilty about not feeling good -  despite scenery that most people would consider inspiring or  uplifting.

As I said, I want to work towards making peace with the fact that it's OK I'm not OK.  I still tend to fight the grief, the pain of the loss, to look at it as "something to fix."

Best wishes to you as you move with your own grief.

Oh I’m sorry that I misunderstood what you were feeling. It is ok not to be okay cuz I’m still not okay after 4 years 5 months. It takes time to fully accept that grief will always be a part of our lives - we just have to learn how to control it- there’s no fixing it. 

[Jemiga70]

20 hours ago, DWS said:

Whether in time, gratefulness will eventually overcome grief to help bring me back to life, that's the question and the hope. But I'm this way for now and feel it is totally justified. 

This. Thank you.

[widower2]

21 hours ago, DWS said:

I think fully understanding what's now missing in our lives....continually missing... is reason enough to carry grief rather than trying to discard it or remedy it in some way. The emptiness has a very legitimate reason for being there. 

I must be misunderstanding you because I have plenty of reasons! What I think I've always been missing are enough reason to stop it from having so much control over my life.

[Gail 8588]

On 2/11/2024 at 9:49 PM, Jemiga70 said:

Actually, the point I was making is that I was not feeling good  - and was feeling guilty about not feeling good -  despite scenery that most people would consider inspiring or  uplifting.

I couldn't  feel anything for a long time.  Even when I knew I "should" be feeling happiness, awe, joy. 

When I held my newborn first grandchild in my arms, I knew the appropriate  words to say, and I said them, but I didn't  feel the joy that I knew should be there.  I felt very sad for not feeling joy that I should have been feeling. 

I was very concerned that I may never experience happiness again, that my grief over losing my husband would always overpower all other emotions.  If I couldn't  feel joy holding this child, was I doomed to being lost in this abyss of despair the rest of my life, faking my connection to life? 

I remember  how terrible that felt.

For what it is worth Jemiga70, it didn't  last forever for me.  I was a zombie for more than 3 years, but then I began to drag myself back to really living again.  I am at 7 years now. I still miss my husband and will always carry him with me.  But I am engaged in life and experience first hand the full range of emotions. 

Don't  be discouraged by my 3 years, we are all on our own time lines.  Be encouraged that you won't  always be untouched by the beauty and joy of this life. 

[RichS]

50 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said:

I was a zombie for more than 3 years, but then I began to drag myself back to really living again. 

OK, I'm halfway there (18 months) and have similar feelings to what you're feeling. I could see this going on for a while, but as you said, there everyone's timeline is different.