The private grief world

[shawnt]

I seem to have lost my protective shell also. My emotions well up at the smallest things. I may be turning into an 11 year old little girl emotionally, I cried at the end of a Big bang episode !!!! It appears this is part of the new me.

[HisMunchkin]

12 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

I'm finding how much grief is effecting my emotions daily. There are so many unexpected triggers. Things that prior to the loss would not have been given a second thought. I find myself tearing up at the oddest things. Too many examples to mention but those that seem to be completely unrelated to the situation puzzle me the most. Something in my subconscious is making a relationship I don't understand. 

2 hours ago, shawnt said:

I seem to have lost my protective shell also. My emotions well up at the smallest things. I may be turning into an 11 year old little girl emotionally, I cried at the end of a Big bang episode !!!! It appears this is part of the new me.

Perhaps grief makes one more emotional in general. 

[JonathanFive]

Grief has a massive effect on the psyche; no argument there 🙂

[7779311]

I cried yesterday when I saw the pickup truck driving in front of me had a bed cover. My husband loved to just get in his new pickup & drive. I bought him a nice bed cover for it a couple of years ago for Father's Day.

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

On 3/20/2024 at 9:34 AM, HisMunchkin said:

Perhaps grief makes one more emotional in general. 

No kidding!  This afternoon was an emotional one for me.  Not sure what the trigger was but all of a sudden, the cats are really pissing me off, just being cats.  Then our son’s activities in the house and the yard were starting to grate on me, even though he was not doing anything wrong.  Felt like I needed to get out of the house, but it was raining.  I just stood looking out the living room window, tears welling up, waiting for the rain to stop.  Our son asked if I was okay.  I couldn’t answer, and he dropped it right away.  I wanted to scream “F*** no, I’m not okay!  Your mom isn’t here!  I miss my bride!”  Rain stopped and I went to the base exchange just to wander around aimlessly, eyes tearing up.  Got me a new pair of Levis jeans.  I could hear Veronica telling me to get them if I need them.  Stopped by the section with purses and just tried to imagine which ones she would be looking at and convincing me to get for her.  I could also smell her favorite perfume in the makeup section.  Took a while but my emotions calmed down a bit.  😪

[WithoutHer]

While fighting through another day we've all experienced with our grief, regardless of the difference place our individual hearts and minds are at, my was going through what I think are probably typical self aware thoughts. Maybe some of you have thoughts similar. But this my only place to vent and I'm not a writer and sometimes short on vocabulary but here goes: 

We understand why these feelings are so intense for the most part. We have all been through an experience of finality that's so damn difficult to accept and deal with. There are so many different things we individually do to cope with the feelings and in a way temporarily suppress them. But it seems no matter what we do something makes them return.

We all have that empty hole in our lives and I've read that hole is not just in our heart and feelings but that our environment has been so effected that our conscience and subconscious is now dealing with a world in themselves don't know how to deal with. The environment has suddenly changed and our minds literally are are in a baffled state about where had the world we were living in gone. How do I find and fulfill what's missing.

Yet we are for the most part rational beings. Put the nonsense in our world aside during that thought. But we know where we are and the pain we feel and why and that part of our minds that's so confused in one way is reenforcing the cause. However it's also looking for solutions and I believe in doing that it's inadvertently adding to the depth of our emptiness when we have those really down days.

I've had thoughts over the past few months that if I could have this whole event erased from my memory. My body and mind could reach a comfortable relaxed state. But then ask who would I be then. I would be erasing the most wonderful years with the woman that came into my life and together we fulfilled in each the happiness and joy life hadn't provided either of us in a relationship prior to meeting.

So NO erasing the loss and erasing the love our lives is not an exceptable solution to easing our pain.

So I've shared a personal thought with all of you as well my fight to understand my own feelings. Now I'm going to take an alprozilam because the buspirone doesn't help this level of anxiety. 

[7779311]

I understand what you're saying, and I think you did a wonderful job of explaining it. I struggle with coping, too, and feel like I just randomly grasp at straws, none of which have any real level of success for any longer than very brief periods, and some of which defy logic, e.g. there must be a way to go back and stop all this from ever happening. 

[WithoutHer]

1 hour ago, 7779311 said:

I understand what you're saying, and I think you did a wonderful job of explaining it. I struggle with coping, too, and feel like I just randomly grasp at straws, none of which have any real level of success for any longer than very brief periods, and some of which defy logic, e.g. there must be a way to go back and stop all this from ever happening. 

I'm sorry even for myself but unfortunately we can't go back until we learn to time travel and that has the possibility of actually making things worse.

It's hard to describe the feeling I get that causes me the most trouble. But I know it stems from a feeling of desperation revolving around missing Vickie and wanting to share every day events and conversation. It's really is an deep empty feeling that causes a lot of anxiety that I feel deep in my gut, not necessarily depression. The only real fix would be the impossible miracle of her return. Completely healthy of course. 

[Gail 8588]

I am experiencing a new chapter in my grief.  I thought I had made it through all the really hard parts, and that from here on out my grief would continue to mellow into a deep appreciation  of the life we shared and continue to share.

But my life has been shattered again, and I am really having difficulty picking up the pieces to fashion a new reality for myself. 

I have mentioned before that since my husband's death I have become aware that my brain functions differently than most.  I was never diagnosed, but I am quite certain I have asperger's  as well as some other neurodivergent characteristics (face blindness,  unable to visualize, poor sense of direction, unable to decode body language or social cues, very literal - I don't  pick up on irony or sarcasm, etc)

I think it may be because of these limitations on how my brain works that I am having such a difficult time with my son's  pending divorce.  My understanding of reality was that a couple fell in love, married, nurtured children to maturity  so they could repeat  the process.  That was the reality of my childhood home and my marriage.  It was my expectation for my children and grandchildren. 

Logically and rationally I have been aware that millions of people in the US get divorced.  But that information is not part of my mental image how my family lives.  This sounds stupid as I write it, but I think my anxiety is related to a sort of obsessive compulsive tendency.  I have a strong need for my life to be predictable.  When John died, everything about my future was uncertain and I felt lost.  I have that same anxiety now.  This divorce was not in the plan, and it has again sent me into a period of confusion, fear and depression.  If John were here, he would calm me.  But he is not here. 

I want to try to fix this, but I know I can't  fix it. 

My good friend here in town has been the divorced mother of 2 kids (now adults) for 35 years.  She doesn't  understand why I am so freaked out.  But for me it feels like my universe is in tatters once again.  It's  hard to breathe. I cry too much of the time. My heart breaks for my grandsons and for my son.  But they are doing okay. It's  me that is not doing okay.  I have fallen back into that black hole where nothing is as it should be, there is no solid ground to stand upon or secure handhold to grasp. 

When John died, I was gripped with fear of all the bad things that could befall me. Illness, injury, financial ruin were just a few of the disasters that could overtake me at any moment. 

Now there are 100 and one disasters that can befall my son and his boys.  I can't  protect them. 

I tell myself to stop worrying about all these possibilities. Most will never occur.   In 6 months things will be more predictable. I just need to get through one day at a time until then.

I do believe that things will get better, but for now I am back in the black hole of fear, dispair  and sadness. 

 

[RichS]

Without Her/ Gail:  I think both of you have described your feelings well and can be summed up in three words: THE NEW NORMAL. How I hate those three words, myself; because they represent life as it is versus life as I want it to be.

These three words suck the enthusiasm out of me every day. Lately, I've been trying to focus more the things that I still have and enjoy in my life: my son, family that's still alive, friends near and far and of course my furry friend, Salem. I'm also aware of the fact that out of the 8 billion people living on this earth, that I'm more fortunate than most of them. And yet, since Chris passed away I feel as if a chunk of me is gone. That's fine for dieting but not for losing your love and best friend.

My grief counselor friend, who's been through a lot more losses in his life than me, tells me that things will get better with time; and that I will start to find joy and enthusiasm again down the road. I'm 19 months into this and it ain't happening yet. Interestingly enough, since Chris passed away, my son and I have had the responsibility of taking care of our elderly uncle. He just passed away last month. My friend pointed out to me that even though I'm in Year 2 of this journey, that my grieving process has been delayed due to my responsibilities as a care taker. Maybe he's right. Those of you who have been at this a lot longer than me can maybe shed some light on this. As Gail pointed out, other stressful events outside of normal grieving can set you back or in my case, get you stuck while trying to move forward.

 

[HisMunchkin]

7 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I have mentioned before that since my husband's death I have become aware that my brain functions differently than most.  I was never diagnosed, but I am quite certain I have asperger's  as well as some other neurodivergent characteristics (face blindness,  unable to visualize, poor sense of direction, unable to decode body language or social cues, very literal - I don't  pick up on irony or sarcasm, etc)

I started reading a book recently called, "Pretending to be Normal: Living Asperger's Syndrome", by Liane Holiday Willey.  In it, she describes in detail about her experience of the world and how it differs from what others experience.  Quite interesting.  Some of what you described sounded like what she had described. 

I'm really sorry to hear that your son's divorce is having such a negative impact on you. ☹️  What are his strengths?  He has you, so that's one.  What else can help him get through this tough time?

 

5 hours ago, RichS said:

I feel as if a chunk of me is gone. That's fine for dieting

😄 

[KayC]

Gail,

I've known a couple of people with Asperger's, it'd be good to get tested, if nothing else to know what end of the spectrum you're on.  I also want to point out that many with Asperger's are brilliant and even though there are challenges, they often are exceptional in art, music, etc.  

 

[Gail 8588]

Kay, 

Thanks for the encouragement.  I have had a good life.  I just never had much understanding about why I behaved certain ways. Aspergers seems to explain why I think the way I do.

I don't  know how to get tested for Aspergers at this point in life.  I'm  nearly 70, I don't  work.  I have generally raised my suspicion of having Aspergers at my regular doctor's  visit but usually get a response of "that very well may be true" but there is no attempt to diagnose or treat the condition.  More of an attitude that I seemed to have managed my Apergers well.   (Actually I think it was because John supported me so well that I was able  to get by without medical help.)

I have tried to figure out how I could get assessed and hopefully learn some skills to more easily blend into society.  If anyone on here knows of a route a 70 year old can take to address these neurodivergencies I'd  appreciate any suggestions. 

Sadly, I am not gifted in art, music or in any other way.  I am generally happy and content.  My husband would jokingly remark, "Gail is easily amused".  And I am.  I don't  need much to make me happy when I am in a predictable secure environment. 

Thanks for caring.  I'll  muddle through. 

 

[Gail 8588]

3 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

I'm really sorry to hear that your son's divorce is having such a negative impact on you. ☹️  What are his strengths?  He has you, so that's one.  What else can help him get through this tough time?

 

Thanks for the book suggestion. I will check it out. 

My son is going to be fine. He is handling the divorce much better than I am.   As the title of the book you recommended, I do my best to hide from him how upsetting this divorce is to me.  I pretend to be normal.   

It will be hard on the kids (2 and 5) to adjust to mom and dad not living together, but I expect they will be fine in the long run.

I understand it is my perception of the world that is distorted. I feel the fabric of my universe is in tatters because their marriage is dissolving.  But he sees the potential for a more tranquil and secure home environment for his family.  I just need to be able to see it that way too.

I wish I could tell my brain what to think, but alas it doesn't  seem to listen to me. 🙂

 

[RichS]

Gail: I know you live in the Tallahassee area. Here are some doctors in the area that may help you:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/fl/tallahassee?category=aspergers-syndrome

 

 

 

[Gail 8588]

RichS, 

Thanks.

[KayC]

My one friend that is an Aspie was told when he'd been in the service for ten years.  He never had any real issues with it but he would fixate on things and it explained a lot.

My sister (a research librarian) first told me he was, she was correct.  I had an article about it but they've taken it down for some reason.

[HisMunchkin]

On 3/25/2024 at 1:41 PM, Gail 8588 said:

I have tried to figure out how I could get assessed and hopefully learn some skills to more easily blend into society. 

I don't know if it would help, but maybe look into autobiographies and self help books?  For instance, this one: https://www-users.york.ac.uk/~ade1/survival/apersonal.html  "Coping: A SURVIVAL GUIDE FOR PEOPLE LIVING WITH ASPERGER'S SYNDROME by Marc Segar" 

For grieving, I found that method (reading autobio and self-help books) to be helpful.  If nothing else, at least I feel less alone. 

 

On 3/25/2024 at 1:59 PM, Gail 8588 said:

My son is going to be fine. He is handling the divorce much better than I am. 

 

On 3/25/2024 at 1:59 PM, Gail 8588 said:

he sees the potential for a more tranquil and secure home environment for his family.

What did he say, exactly?  How does he envision his future?  Maybe you can listen to what he thinks and try to see how that could make sense?  He knows his wife and their relationship best, after all.  Maybe they fight a lot, and that would definitely be detrimental to the kids, for instance. 

Change can be hard.  Perhaps imagining their future life and how things will be o.k. could help you slowly, mentally adapt to the change? 

[Boggled]

On 3/25/2024 at 3:29 AM, RichS said:

Without Her/ Gail:  I think both of you have described your feelings well and can be summed up in three words: THE NEW NORMAL. How I hate those three words, myself; because they represent life as it is versus life as I want it to be.

These three words suck the enthusiasm out of me every day. Lately, I've been trying to focus more the things that I still have and enjoy in my life: my son, family that's still alive, friends near and far and of course my furry friend, Salem. I'm also aware of the fact that out of the 8 billion people living on this earth, that I'm more fortunate than most of them. And yet, since Chris passed away I feel as if a chunk of me is gone. That's fine for dieting but not for losing your love and best friend.

My grief counselor friend, who's been through a lot more losses in his life than me, tells me that things will get better with time; and that I will start to find joy and enthusiasm again down the road. I'm 19 months into this and it ain't happening yet. Interestingly enough, since Chris passed away, my son and I have had the responsibility of taking care of our elderly uncle. He just passed away last month. My friend pointed out to me that even though I'm in Year 2 of this journey, that my grieving process has been delayed due to my responsibilities as a care taker. Maybe he's right. Those of you who have been at this a lot longer than me can maybe shed some light on this. As Gail pointed out, other stressful events outside of normal grieving can set you back or in my case, get you stuck while trying to move forward.

... since Chris passed away I feel like a chunk of me is gone.   I don't know about what your friend the grief counsellor said, Rich, maybe because he's close enough to you he can see that your grieving process has been delayed due to your responsibilities as a care taker, BUT feeling that we've lost (half?) of ourselves seems to be perfectly normal.    THE NEW NORMAL, I don't think of it like that, to me it's more like the old normal is carrying on ... I do take comfort from the idea that my husband, Steve, is "out there" somewhere still, I still talk to him, whatever that theory Kay mentions ... oh yeah, "continuing bonds," seems to help me.   The horrible awful PAIN has abated!   mostly!  I take comfort from that, too;  remembering back to the beginning of this grief that was TERRIBLE ... and noting that I'm way way better than that now;  at this point, triggers happen, I go into emotion and a storm of crying, but I THINK it might be helpful that I'm able to just break down and cry without worrying that anyone will see or hear me ... because I'm alone (except the cats).  I THINK it's helpful to just be able to let the emotions roll straight on, in other words, it helps being alone.  ... or maybe it's just DIFFERENT, your situation with your son who I'm pretty sure from what you say, is going on this journey with you ... aware and feeling too, and me dealing with solitude and pulling myself up by my own bootstraps, just two different situations, with a lot of similarities though.  

We have to express.  Somehow.  Get it out in some way.  I THINK.  I give up, 'nuff said, for now.

[RichS]

19 minutes ago, Boggled said:

I don't know about what your friend the grief counsellor said, Rich, maybe because he's close enough to you he can see that your grieving process has been delayed due to your responsibilities as a care taker,

Oh yeah, he knows me alright (47 years). He was my best man at our wedding; and why was he my best man? Because he was responsible for Chris and I getting together in the first place. Now, 47 years later, he's helping me get through losing her. As I've said before, "AIN'T LIFE FUNNY?"

Yes, my uncle passed away last month. I have to admit, I do feel less stress these days; but my son and I did the best we could to keep him going. A sudden fall is what started his downfall; otherwise he might be still alive today. He lived to be 95 and had a good life.

[Roxeanne]

On 3/25/2024 at 9:29 AM, RichS said:

Those of you who have been at this a lot longer than me can maybe shed some light on this. 

 

Rich from the very beginning i felt i had  to live my grief deeply...in other words i had to allow every strong emotions and pain to hit me, to hurt me! And i had to do it alone...and i did, i closed myself in my house for three months refusing every help from friends and family! 'Cos i felt than otherwise i couldn't have done it!

It was the worst moment in my life,..it was very easy lose myself! And i was very scared from that possibility...

From my life experiences i learned to try to keep in control everything...and that was not the case!

'Cos i was carried by the current of the river of my emotions, without being able to return to shore.

It took a while before i realized that the only thing you can do was : "flow with the flow!"

I don't know if you mean that in your request, but my experience of grief is feel intensely your pain, your emotions even the more craziest....and then let it go!

When you are ready let it go the pain, the fear, the desperation...not let go memories of our loved ones, of our life together!

They will remain forever!!

 

 

[RichS]

Roxeanne:  I admired the way you handled your grief; especially during the first three months. Right now I'm "flowing with the flow", as you say. My faith has carried me this far, but at the same time it is being tested.

My explanation of how I'm feeling might be a little different than others, but I think the journey I'm on is unique; as is the case with all of us. Thanks for your great insight of how you handled things. You seemed to have had a game plan from the very beginning and carried it through real well!

[WithoutHer]

3 hours ago, Roxeanne said:

It took a while before i realized that the only thing you can do was : "flow with the flow!"

That's what I've been doing as best I can. I just had a break down episode and balled my eyes out just as the first day of my loss. There's no sense in trying to hold it back because the underlying pain just seems to grow more intense and self consuming. I call out her name every time it happens and my oldest kitty Bella knows when her dad is upset and comes and sits next to me as she is right now. She was truly her moms kitty. 

[Roxeanne]

2 hours ago, RichS said:

You seemed to have had a game plan from the very beginning and carried it through real well!

No i was scared of that nightmare, in hard pain desperation  confusion as all of us...

This is so true that at four months i looked up the help of a psycologist and crying i said to her: it was already four months!

..and she said to me: for you it happened yesterday!

That helped me to put things in perspective: it was a long and hard journey!

only i had, out of nowhere, the awareness that the loss of my soulmate was so terrible that if i hadn't expressed my emotions, all of my emotions... my greatest pain would have destroyed me!

Only now i can see that hard road i traveled in the last six years, una strada lacrime e sangue as we say in Italy, a road of tears and blood...

And only now i see the read wire that led me through pain to change and grow!

 

[HisMunchkin]

3 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

I just had a break down episode and balled my eyes out just as the first day of my loss.

I had an episode like that on Tuesday.  It wasn't as bad as the first day of my loss,  but it was pretty bad.  I could not stop crying!??  It started when I was on my way to the lawyer's office (still sorting out my husband's affairs) when I suddenly felt a deep sense of loneliness,  and the world seemed extremely empty.  I managed to hold back my tears at the lawyer's office, but after that, I just could not stop crying.  Do you remember what immediately preceded your episode?

[WithoutHer]

1 hour ago, HisMunchkin said:

Do you remember what immediately preceded your episode?

It's always a similar thought. I'm either petting one of our pets or looking at something on TV or an object in house and I want so badly to share a thought with Vickie. And it doesn't matter if I go ahead and say it out loud or not the fact that she is gone just crushes my emotions in the worst way. And although I'm alone here I don't think it would make any difference if I had someone to express my feelings with. They wouldn't be Vickie and that's who my heart longs for. 

I tear up every time I have these thoughts as I am now. 

[Marq]

57 minutes ago, WithoutHer said:

It's always a similar thought. I'm either petting one of our pets or looking at something on TV or an object in house and I want so badly to share a thought with Vickie. And it doesn't matter if I go ahead and say it out loud or not the fact that she is gone just crushes my emotions in the worst way. And although I'm alone here I don't think it would make any difference if I had someone to express my feelings with. They wouldn't be Vickie and that's who my heart longs for. 

I tear up every time I have these thoughts as I am now. 

I’m sorry you are going thru this.  I talk to friends who listen but is not the same.  We may never have that same communication with anyone else.  But communicating with friend’s and family helps me

[WithoutHer]

6 minutes ago, Marq said:

I’m sorry you are going thru this.  I talk to friends who listen but is not the same.  We may never have that same communication with anyone else.  But communicating with friend’s and family helps me

I don't have anyone. Family or friends. How I ended up alone friend wise is just a matter of too many moves in life. I talk to her daughter about once a month but she's over 900 miles away. I'm not calling her every time I break down. It's her mom. She knows exactly what I'm going through. 

[RichS]

3 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

I don't have anyone. Family or friends. How I ended up alone friend wise is just a matter of too many moves in life.

Glad that you found this board. We are always here for you and for each other. Honestly, this board has been more help to me than any grieving groups.

[KayC]

We're here and we care.  We can't change anything, but we can listen and care...

[HisMunchkin]

11 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

It's always a similar thought. I'm either petting one of our pets or looking at something on TV or an object in house and I want so badly to share a thought with Vickie. And it doesn't matter if I go ahead and say it out loud or not the fact that she is gone just crushes my emotions in the worst way. And although I'm alone here I don't think it would make any difference if I had someone to express my feelings with. They wouldn't be Vickie and that's who my heart longs for. 

I tear up every time I have these thoughts as I am now. 

I know what you mean.  When I'm reminded of the fact that my husband's gone, that's when I feel profound loneliness and sadness.  And the world "feels" empty, if that makes any sense.  And like you, even when I'm with people, it doesn't make a difference.  Sometimes I feel even worse, actually.  I miss him so much..... 😢

[vvjoris]

On 2/5/2024 at 1:28 AM, SSC said:

it is so difficult to live without our soulmate that is why I try to look forward now.  Like KayC I think of him living somewhere else, us living parallel lives.  He has only transitioned to a different realm where I cannot reach him but hopefully one day will see him again.  Some days that’s all I wish for.

Our grief is indeed private, we go through it alone. Sure we probably have people around us that at first offered condolences, and understand our loss and support in some way. But we are not around others all the time, and when alone, I think back about the good times we had, and the plans we made, they never came true. I cry often, I almost never did before.

I'm worried now, I don't know if I should find someone "new", I think Rose will always be on my mind, and I think that's not fair towards the "new" partner. Rose will always be in my heart, this relationship in which the love was growing all the time over these 4 years we were so blessed to be together, it changed my life, and now that she is gone, the pain remains, always.

I'd like to believe her conscienceless left her body that morning, and she was watching herself getting a heart massage,  one of her daughters being there so worried, and me, not believing i saw something I thought only existed in movies. Is she really transitioned to a different realm where I cannot reach her (maybe I can, but she can never answer me) and i hope sincerely one day will see her again and I can be with her forever. But wherever I look, I find no proof of the afterlife, the proof people write about is not real. I don't really know what I can hope for.

[KayC]

8 hours ago, vvjoris said:

I'm worried now, I don't know if I should find someone "new", I think Rose will always be on my mind, and I think that's not fair towards the "new" partner. Rose will always be in my heart, this relationship in which the love was growing all the time over these 4 years we were so blessed to be together, it changed my life, and now that she is gone, the pain remains, always.

If you decide to look for another person, give it time for you to grieve first, and get through grief fog...I have a horror story I'll spare you.  It'd help to find someone who has been widowed so gets it and wouldn't expect to be your "one and only" nor for you to ever forget her.  That's not happening.
Dating After Loss
Dating After the Loss of a Spouse
Dating a Widower
Dating After Loss
Remarriage

As for afterlife, there's plenty I could write on the subject but we aren't allowed to.  Perhaps the answer lies in hoping/believing, that's what faith is, it's not a religious construct so much as what you hang onto in your heart.  Choose to hope, believe.  You can't prove it?  None of us can, but we can choose to believe/hope, I do.

[I miss you so much]

On 3/30/2024 at 2:40 AM, vvjoris said:

I'd like to believe her conscienceless left her body that morning, and she was watching herself getting a heart massage,  one of her daughters being there so worried, and me, not believing i saw something I thought only existed in movies. Is she really transitioned to a different realm where I cannot reach her (maybe I can, but she can never answer me) and i hope sincerely one day will see her again and I can be with her forever. But wherever I look, I find no proof of the afterlife, the proof people write about is not real. I don't really know what I can hope for.

I was too negative in my thoughts and daily life with him, I realize. And it's worse now, without him. I had never cared about an afterlife, because the only thing for real was life and I just wanted to live it, it was the only thing I had for real...

It's been a bit more than a year and a half now. Without him. A desperate daily research trying to find a way to believe in an afterlife, to have hope...but in my case, I haven't found it. And furthermore, most of the things I have read are really disappointing...  But I know it's positive and very helpful for those who can really "believe" and have hope.      

I'm not a religious person and as for the New Age ideas that are very repeated even from doctors in Youtube, for instance, and many books about NDE, OBE, mediumship...What's the point if, for instance, we are "consciousness" or "beings of light"?

I just want him like he was, exactly how he was. Not a "being of light", nor a "consciousness"...

The idea of "reincarnating" is simply disgusting for me...What's the point for our existance, for our being? Just "an experience to learn"? Him, and me, and everyone, are we just "a game" to learn and experience?

I'm sorry, I intend no offense here. It's just my thoughts...I prefer simply dying than not being me anymore and not finding him anymore, just a "consciousness", or "a soul".

And it's so painful thinking how we forgot about the fragility of life, how I completely missed my life, my time of being with him, to share with him, to try to make him happy...

I just can't believe, I just can't... I wish I could, but I can't. I had always had faith and hope about our future together. Look how it finished...

There is not more faith, nor hope...I can't   

[WithoutHer]

Words for Vickie I  need to share for I have no where else to send them and have them heard.

After I left the doctor's office the other day I decided to take a drive to the boat ramp lot where we would park to take a walk down the canal tow path. As I drove through the train station lot to get to the access road I was confronted with a road closed sign. I sat there seeing all the pavement dug up around the tracks crossing and the thought came to me. 

I can't go back and I don't need nor really want to get to the other side without you. I won't be back here again as so many other places we went together to enjoy and relax.

My life is empty, alone, and without purpose since you've been gone. It's the same routine every day. Everything I try to restore the feelings when we were together just brings more pain and tears. I can't rid myself of the emptiness I feel each passing day. 

 

[widower2]

On 3/30/2024 at 6:12 AM, KayC said:

As for afterlife, there's plenty I could write on the subject but we aren't allowed to.  

I respectfully disagree with my esteemed colleague  You can, we just ask that you do it in the area of the site dedicated to that here: https://forums.grieving.com/forum/23-beliefs-and-religion/   And keep in mind there are people here with widely varying beliefs and to respect that. 

[KayC]

I know but no one goes there and it wouldn't be in response to what is written here...not about  religion, about hope.  And you know me, I am always respectful.

[RichS]

8 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

It's the same routine every day. Everything I try to restore the feelings when we were together just brings more pain and tears. I can't rid myself of the emptiness I feel each passing day. 

My feelings can be summed up in a similar way: "Everything around me looks the same, but feels different."

[Marq]

5 minutes ago, RichS said:

My feelings can be summed up in a similar way: "Everything around me looks the same, but feels different."

That makes sense to me.   Everything looks the same, other people act the same, the world is still functioning, but everything is wrong!  

After Dorothy passed, I couldn’t understand how everything and everyone in the world could pretend that nothing had happened.  How no one else cared.  Why wasn’t everyone grieving with me?

 

 Everything around me looked the same, but feels different, sounds right 

[KayC]

I remember wondering how the sun could go on shining!

It seemed the whole world went on with their lives like nothing happened...everyone but me.  Even my dog Lucky, grieved.  My daughter pointed it out, I was wondering what had gotten into her, her behavior changed.  I was so steeped in my own grief, I couldn't see it ...or anything.

[RichS]

23 minutes ago, Marq said:

After Dorothy passed, I couldn’t understand how everything and everyone in the world could pretend that nothing had happened.  How no one else cared.  Why wasn’t everyone grieving with me?

Because they don't know what it's like until they feel it personally. I was on that side in the past. Went to many funerals, paid my respects, was sincere about it; but then I went home and forgot about it and went about my own life. It wasn't until it happened to me. That's when I realized what it was like to feel their pain. Since Chris's death I've told anyone I know whose had similar losses that I now feel their pain. Try not to take it personally. People like you and I have been on both sides of the fence.

[WithoutHer]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

Even my dog Lucky, grieved.  My daughter pointed it out, I was wondering what had gotten into her, her behavior changed.  I was so steeped in my own grief, I couldn't see it ...or anything.

I did notice the change in our animals behavior later that night I came home from the hospital. Vickie had been out of the house for periods of time before in the hospital for various illnesses and her heart surgery or trips back to Alabama for funerals or just a holiday visit and the animals were fine while she was gone. There was always a time that I would leave the house and bring her home. But on that day it was obviously apparent to them when I came home from the hospital and Vickie didn't come in through the door with me they knew things weren't right. Buster was always at the door when I returned from running out. This day his usual excitement of my returning home subsided quickly. The cats eventually took to roaming around the house. It was as if they were wondering where there mom was even though they had been fine the 5 days she was gone. They all have changed their daily routines and now spend most of their time close to me whereas they used to just go about as they pleased and had their own places about the house to play or sleep. Now they all sleep near me every night.

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

Who knows what will trigger emotions from one day to the next?  Doing my afternoon Red Cross shift this afternoon and had to make a delivery to the main hospital where Veronica was taken to after her heart attack last June.  Since I started volunteering I have been to this hospital many time over the last 5-6 months.  But this afternoon, as I was walking back to the Red Cross van, I happened to look up at the building that is the cardiovascular wing where Veronica spent her final days last year in June.  All of a sudden a deep sadness came over me and I started to choke up at the thought of not being able to bring her home anymore.  I sat in the van just saying “I’m sorry!  I’m sorry I couldn’t bring you home!  I’m so sorry I couldn’t take care of you anymore!”  Those thoughts just rolled around a bit while I rested and let my emotions calm down.  Did not take much to push me over the edge like that.  I don’t think seeing other people taking their loved ones home helped.  I was wishing I could have done that for my bride.  It was a rough few minutes before I could drive away.  

[RichS]

1 hour ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

 All of a sudden a deep sadness came over me and I started to choke up at the thought of not being able to bring her home anymore.

What I've read and have been experiencing myself is that you go through all kinds of emotions. Some days are quiet. Others aren't. Yesterday, for whatever reason, I was tired in the afternoon. I binged on chocolate; which is helpful in one way (energy), but not in other ways (calories). I forced myself to run a couple of errands with my son. One night last week I couldn't sleep for whatever reason. Up most of the night, I was sad about life without Chris; which started the waterworks. You would think all of that emotion would make me feel tired and fall back to sleep; but it took awhile.

As I write this I'm thankful to have this board because I can be honest about the stuff that I go through on any given day because I know all of you understand. I guess that's why I'm still a member and still posting here.

[KayC]

I didn't go back to the hospital where George died until about a year later when I wanted to visit my GF's husband in the hospital...same wing.  As I entered the room where they were I was bawling and couldn't quit.  They understood.  They told me the little nurse he'd had remembered me and thought of me...I will never forget her and how kind she was to him.

That you volunteer is such a way as to bring you close in proximity...that is beyond hard and I think you admirable.

[HisMunchkin]

8 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

I don’t think seeing other people taking their loved ones home helped.  I was wishing I could have done that for my bride.

That reminds me of how my husband really wanted to come home too.  We (me and our dog) missed him, and he missed us.  He said he even missed cleaning up after our dog.  He worked so hard on trying to eat and doing physiotherapy in order to come home, but then things suddenly went downhill.....  Ugh... remembering brings back so...so much pain!

[widower2]

11 hours ago, KayC said:

I didn't go back to the hospital where George died until about a year later when I wanted to visit my GF's husband in the hospital...same wing.  As I entered the room where they were I was bawling and couldn't quit.  They understood. 

Oh man. I hope I never have to go back to the hospital she was in. I don't like even driving past it (fortunately I almost never do). 

[WithoutHer]

I'm having serious thought issues again. They come and go in those waves everyone talks about. That constant gut feeling this isn't real and she's still here just in the other room. When I also know otherwise. It's emotionally draining. Our minds do us no favors in recovering from such deep loss. I'm going in the same circles day after day. Like so many have said before me I want Vickie to come home. I think this is the harshest type of event to live through. I can't even call it living any more. Every day is just another effort at distraction while the mind keeps finding it's way back to that deep emptiness felt inside. 

These cycles are so difficult to navigate time and time again.

[RichS]

I'm discovering that grief can be triggered by other people's lives without them even knowing it.

CASE 1:  My neighbor (who I've known for 27 years) has his wife in the hospital to get a kidney transplant. I talked to her husband a few days ago and he said it was not going well. Also know that he's been away from home a lot during the day. That brings back memories of me going to the hospital to visit Chris 2-3 times a day. I feel scared for him.

CASE 2:  And old friend of mine has been in the hospital for 5 weeks. He has bile duct cancer and needs to have surgery. Problem is, his blood pressure has fallen too low, making surgery too risky at this point. He has been improving lately. His wife has been keeping me up to date. Like Chris and I, they've been married for a long time; and she admits that being home alone without him is very strange and scary. They've never had to go through something like this before. She says she now know feels what I went through when Chris was in the hospital for a long time. Again, part of me feels that my grief is re-igniting because of their situation.

Maybe they have a definition of what type of grief this is. WHO KNOWS HOW THE MIND WORKS?!??

[KayC]

It's triggered by others going through similar leading up to your wife's death.  I'm so sorry.  I know it's hard.  It can happen to any of us at any given time although usually less with way more time.