The private grief world

[JonathanFive]

I'm a total zombie.  And I need a different job lol..  I keep pushing tasks out for 30 days.   Little bit of a, "Charles Bronsonesque," worldview at the current moment.  I expect it will get better

[shawnt]

To me that's the hardest part. I am not ok, I will always miss her. But life continues. I have children to tend and love, I have friends who need me, I have a father who seems to need me more and more as he ages, I have a business and employees who rely on me for their pay cheques and somehow I have to be ok with not being ok. I have to show up even if I am not as useful and good as I used to be, even if my soul howls in agony over her not being with me.Coming to the realization that my life will never return to"normal" means I have to learn to live with a new"normal" and hope I can learn how to have some joy or at least have a little fun. 

[HisMunchkin]

1 hour ago, shawnt said:

To me that's the hardest part. I am not ok, I will always miss her. But life continues. I have children to tend and love, I have friends who need me, I have a father who seems to need me more and more as he ages, I have a business and employees who rely on me for their pay cheques and somehow I have to be ok with not being ok. I have to show up even if I am not as useful and good as I used to be, even if my soul howls in agony over her not being with me.Coming to the realization that my life will never return to"normal" means I have to learn to live with a new"normal" and hope I can learn how to have some joy or at least have a little fun. 

Do you at least experience moments of peace, and moments of "o.k"?

 

[KayC]

I went through that, I remember after George died, my days were shock, grief fog, pretending he's on a trip until I couldn't pretend anymore, missing him so badly...

Then one day my daughter took me to a play put on by college kids at the U of O, it was held outside and we all sat on the lawn and watched.  For the first time I laughed out loud as these college age kids pretended to be children, they were hilarious!

 

[Jemiga70]

On 2/13/2024 at 11:10 PM, Gail 8588 said:

For what it is worth Jemiga70, it didn't  last forever for me.  I was a zombie for more than 3 years, but then I began to drag myself back to really living again.  I am at 7 years now.

For me it'll be 3 years come May.  I still feel devastated / zombie-ish / brain not firing on all cylinders.  My forward progress has been slow.  What took you 3 years may take me 7, and then I might need another 7-10 years...... or the rest of my life.  It'll be what it'll be. But it sucks.

Thanks for sharing your experience.

[KayC]

5 hours ago, Jemiga70 said:

It'll be what it'll be.

Yes.  One day at a time.

[Tina3ka]

20 hours ago, shawnt said:

Coming to the realization that my life will never return to"normal" means I have to learn to live with a new"normal" and hope I can learn how to have some joy or at least have a little fun. 

I think I will have to learn the same .....

[shawnt]

I do have moments of happiness. I laugh and tease with my sons, my dad and I have interesting conversation, I take pride in my work ( and who doesn't like making $). I am looking forward to the birth of a granddaughter, someone I can really spoil. So yes I do have some joy, but somehow it feels blunted and never quite pure, but I guess that's the new normal.

I watched a movie and the main character had an accident and forgot who he was; I envied him.  But then it occurred to me that was a wish to have never loved anyone not just my sweet Suzy and I went back to watching the game.

[Tina3ka]

39 minutes ago, shawnt said:

I do have moments of happiness. I laugh and tease with my sons, my dad and I have interesting conversation, I take pride in my work ( and who doesn't like making $).

I wouldn't say I have moments of happiness,  I really don't feel I can be happy again....but yes I enjoy company, conversations and time spent with my kids  - I have a son that just started a new job and I am so proud of him getting this job and I have two twin girls at almost the end of university. They are the only thing that keeps me sane and still in this world. I also am self employed, it's only me, but I am proud of my work and grateful to be able to have possibility to work from home, so this part of my life I keep it steady and it has kept me going trough all this time.

But for my time, my happiness, things I look forward to...I struggle with that very much. I do not feel I will be able to make a connection with anyone again...I don't even want to meet someone....He has been my life for almost all my life and I don't know that I can live alone.

[KayC]

1 hour ago, Tina3ka said:

yes I enjoy company, conversations and time spent with my kids  - I have a son that just started a new job and I am so proud of him getting this job and I have two twin girls at almost the end of university.

And these are the moments of happiness we are talking about.

[HisMunchkin]

5 hours ago, shawnt said:

I do have moments of happiness. I laugh and tease with my sons, my dad and I have interesting conversation, I take pride in my work ( and who doesn't like making $). I am looking forward to the birth of a granddaughter, someone I can really spoil. So yes I do have some joy, but somehow it feels blunted and never quite pure, but I guess that's the new normal.

At this point in time, I am grateful for moments of peace and feeling "o.k.", even though they are far and few.  I don't know what the future will hold.  I'm not looking that far ahead.  Just surviving on little morsels of peaceful moments when they come.  Counting my blessings.  

It sounds like where you're at is already a pretty good place, even though it may not be as good as you remember life to be.  I wish you the strength to keep moving forward.  Who knows what the future will bring?     

[KayC]

NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING compares to George holding me...and maybe you're remembering moments like that, and compared to that nothing feels good...but I've learned not to compare because comparisons are a real joy killer.  I look for what good there IS, not what isn't.

[shawnt]

I can't quite articulate my thoughts on this thread. Read them again and it feels like there is a truth in there, something hazy ; glass half full, if you can't love the one you want love the one your with, today is the only day we truly have. Something about what everyone wrote feels bigger than that but I can't put my finger on it.

[Boggled]

Maybe my life is just turning into something strange ... to me.  To the person I was with my husband.  Just accept ... it's better than dying, eh?  Just STRANGE, life with cats and occasional visits from sons, occasional trips to town, looking forward to one word game a day ... trying to figure out "what to do?" ... it's DIFFERENT.  For me, still big moments of sorrow ... drove this morning to town, passed a little street that used to go to a TV station where my husband liked to go talk, wham!  crying while driving.   It just happens.  Then it (the crying part)'s "over."  But it leaves a sense of ... "well this sadness is just ongoing but I shouldn't drive while crying, ... " and just keep on.  Keep on keeping on.  Into the strangeitude.  

[HisMunchkin]

7 hours ago, shawnt said:

Something about what everyone wrote feels bigger than that but I can't put my finger on it.

? What do you mean?  What is this "something"?

[RichS]

Sadly, our 95 year old uncle passed away this afternoon. He had a happy go lucky carefree life for the most part. He'll be missed by family and friends.........................

[DWS]

39 minutes ago, RichS said:

Sadly, our 95 year old uncle passed away this afternoon. He had a happy go lucky carefree life for the most part. He'll be missed by family and friends.........................

Ohhh Rich...I am so sorry to hear your news. My deepest condolences to you and your family. 

[Gail 8588]

Death of a close friend or relative after John died, impacted me differently than a death that occurred  prior to his passing. I'm  sure it was because I now knew how huge an impact death could have on a loved one. 

I am so sorry for your loss.

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

15 hours ago, Boggled said:

It just happens.  Then it (the crying part)'s "over."  But it leaves a sense of ... "well this sadness is just ongoing but I shouldn't drive while crying, ... " and just keep on.  Keep on keeping on.  Into the strangeitude.  

I get that.  Washing the dinner dishes when thoughts of Veronica came to mind and I just teared up and had to stop.  Driving somewhere, pass a familiar location or landmark and more memories of what was come to the fore and I have to catch my breath as the sobs well up.  Sadness now and forever.  Keep on keepin’on.  Just sucks.  

[Sparky1]

Rich, my deepest condolences for you and your family. Losing a loved one is never easy no matter their age.

[KayC]

13 hours ago, RichS said:

Sadly, our 95 year old uncle passed away this afternoon. He had a happy go lucky carefree life for the most part. He'll be missed by family and friends.........................

I am so sorry for your loss.  I know what it is to miss someone...my heart goes out to you.

[shawnt]

I think if I was smarter or more mature I would get to the root of the bigger message. When I was younger I was absolutely certain of my roles;  husband and father, provider and the path seemed clear. Now I can't see the future and worse I have a hard time giving a hoot.

RichS I am sorry for your loss.

 

[HisMunchkin]

17 hours ago, RichS said:

Sadly, our 95 year old uncle passed away this afternoon. He had a happy go lucky carefree life for the most part. He'll be missed by family and friends.........................

I'm so sorry for your loss. 🥺

[HisMunchkin]

3 hours ago, shawnt said:

I think if I was smarter or more mature I would get to the root of the bigger message. When I was younger I was absolutely certain of my roles;  husband and father, provider and the path seemed clear. Now I can't see the future and worse I have a hard time giving a hoot.

Maybe it's a good thing that you don't give a hoot what your roles are or what your future will look like?  I don't know if it's the same for you, but for me, from what I've heard from others who lost their spouse, it's like their future died with their spouse.  Because our spouse is so close to us and is such a huge part of our life, and because in the back of our mind we have the expectations of a future together, all that just crumbles when they pass away.   It's very confusing, very scary, and very painful.  "What now?  What's going to happen in the future?"  Lots of worries can stem from thoughts like that.  But maybe at some point, you no longer "give a hoot" (i.e., you are no longer worried at least)?  On the other hand, if you mean you "don't give a hoot" about anything at all, it could be that you're depressed.   

[widower2]

18 hours ago, RichS said:

Sadly, our 95 year old uncle passed away this afternoon. He had a happy go lucky carefree life for the most part. He'll be missed by family and friends.........................

Sorry to hear, but glad he had a good life...

 

4 hours ago, shawnt said:

I think if I was smarter or more mature I would get to the root of the bigger message. When I was younger I was absolutely certain of my roles;  husband and father, provider and the path seemed clear. Now I can't see the future and worse I have a hard time giving a hoot.

That hardly indicates a lack of intelligence or maturity. In fact, I suspect it's quite "normal" given the circumstances. I've been there many times...I suspect most of us have

[Boggled]

On 2/17/2024 at 3:11 AM, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

I get that.  Washing the dinner dishes when thoughts of Veronica came to mind and I just teared up and had to stop.  Driving somewhere, pass a familiar location or landmark and more memories of what was come to the fore and I have to catch my breath as the sobs well up.  Sadness now and forever.  Keep on keepin’on.  Just sucks.  

oddly this "into the strangeitude" feeling is BETTER than the "no!" attitude I've had for a loong time.  At least I can recognize that living this life without my precious husband always at my side seems strange and not-great BUT maybe this INTO THE STRANGEITUDE is my form of "acceptance."  (not my fave word).  

Rich, sorry!!!  like widower2 said, glad he had a good life.  

[shawnt]

That is a great descriptive word strangeitude . From knowing and directing my world to being adrift knowing squat and having no ambition as to where I end up is strange indeed. Without my Suzy as a guide ......

depressed ? Of course. But not of the clinical variety, according to the head shrinker  I have an emotional based depression, not a physical caused depression( no chemical imbalances) in other words all in my head ( or heart)

I think that applies to every single person who comes to this place. If we were ok we would be spending our time watching  YouTube videos or playing angry birds. Oh what I wouldn't give to not know what I know .

Sorry a little bit of an unfocused rant. 

[KayC]

2 hours ago, shawnt said:

depressed ? Of course. But not of the clinical variety, according to the head shrinker  I have an emotional based depression, not a physical caused depression( no chemical imbalances) in other words all in my head ( or heart)

Best description I've heard of the difference!

[DWS]

3 hours ago, shawnt said:

I think that applies to every single person who comes to this place. If we were ok we would be spending our time watching  YouTube videos or playing angry birds. Oh what I wouldn't give to not know what I know .

That's it exactly. The psychological reality dictates that grief is merely a mindset. A therapist would ask "who would you be without your grief?" Well, I would be who I was before...but that ain't the case now. We can't just will away our grief. It's there because of the loss and absence of the dynamic person we were so connected to.

I think back to a friend of mine last year who naively asked and, perhaps, advised "can't you just think of the good times?" It stuns me to be asked such a crazy question despite his good intentions. What good will it do to think of all of the good times??! How on earth is that supposed to take away my pain?

[KayC]

People say dumb things.

[HisMunchkin]

8 hours ago, shawnt said:

depressed ? Of course. But not of the clinical variety, according to the head shrinker  I have an emotional based depression, not a physical caused depression( no chemical imbalances) in other words all in my head ( or heart)

I think that applies to every single person who comes to this place. If we were ok we would be spending our time watching  YouTube videos or playing angry birds. Oh what I wouldn't give to not know what I know .

 

4 hours ago, DWS said:

That's it exactly. The psychological reality dictates that grief is merely a mindset. A therapist would ask "who would you be without your grief?" Well, I would be who I was before...but that ain't the case now. We can't just will away our grief. It's there because of the loss and absence of the dynamic person we were so connected to.

I get all that.  I was hoping that with time, I wouldn't be feeling this way anymore.  I see it's been almost 2 years for DWS.  How long has it been since your wife passed away, shawnt, if you don't mind me asking.  No need to answer if you don't feel comfortable, of course.

[widower2]

1 hour ago, HisMunchkin said:

I get all that.  I was hoping that with time, I wouldn't be feeling this way anymore.  

That's a reasonable expectation. But it varies for everyone, so IMO there's not much point in comparing yourself to others.

[JonathanFive]

Agreed - so complicated.  With grief it's, "one thing or another."

I'm just baffled by, "the emotional rollercoaster."  Because, I've kind of spent my days pretty much in, "stable emotion."   I've never been, "happy one moment, sad the next, angry shortly thereafter, depressed shortly after that."

One minute I see myself as now being, "bitter, jaded, and filled with apathy," two seconds later I'm telling myself, "I don't want to be that person."

 

The only thing I am truly sure of is, "how we respond to grief is likely part of personality traits we developed at a very young age."   Our worldview, our resilience - it's all tied into that

 

 

Edited February 20 by JonathanFive
typos

[JonathanFive]

I was feeling kind of stable like 10 minutes ago, when I wrote the post above and boom - right now...  a wave of depression hit me. 
 

It is unbelievable.  one emotion to the next...

[KayC]

It can hit just like that!  ESPECIALLY in early grief!  (((hugs)))

[DWS]

16 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

I get all that.  I was hoping that with time, I wouldn't be feeling this way anymore.  I see it's been almost 2 years for DWS. 

Because they say everyone's grief is unique, that would mean everyone's timelines are going to differ....and that also has to take into account the varying degrees of grief's heaviness because it does (usually) lighten eventually.  This discussion forum has been an absolute godsend for me during this awful time but it also can have its small challenges. One of those is the tricky balance of measuring our own handling of our loss with others. 

I remember when I first started to post comments here. At that time, there was a young woman commenting whose partner sadly had died two weeks before my partner. My naive thinking then is that she was further along with her grief than I was. I wondered how much more "improved" she must be than myself having a whole two weeks more experience at this grief thing. "She's likely stronger" said I....but as she and I kept posting, sharing and expressing this pain, I could see that she really was no further along than me. 

She also stopped posting comments here which I discovered presented another personal challenge. I know other long-timers here likely feel the same way....wondering where those commenters went and how they're doing now. Did they not need to visit the site anymore? Did they get "better"? And from there, I start going down a darker path wondering if they are stronger/ more resilient than me. That type of comparison and self-scrutinizing isn't very helpful. I guess this is also part of our private grief world. 

[RichS]

13 hours ago, JonathanFive said:

I was feeling kind of stable like 10 minutes ago, when I wrote the post above and boom - right now...  a wave of depression hit me. It is unbelievable.  one emotion to the next...

I have similar experiences. Sometimes it comes on like a thunderstorm and then passes. Other times it lingers. I was feeling that way this past Sunday. Then I got involved with my home based business and some hours later, I noticed that the depression had passed. Try to keep busy with activities you enjoy and will distract you.

[KayC]

Some posters post once and leave and never even see our welcomes.  Others (like me) you can't get rid of!  It has nothing to do with one's resilience, some have great support groups outside of here.  Some aren't comfortable sharing with "strangers," not realizing we wouldn't be if they'd stick around.

I'm sorry it made you feel some kind of way. 

[Boggled]

On 2/3/2024 at 3:42 PM, weswej said:

I agree that it's a very lonely, private place when you lose a partner. We were high school sweethearts and were married for 52 years. I still have absolutely no idea how to be a person on my own. I feel as though half my heart has been ripped out. 

When my first husband decided he HAD to go back, again!, to school, and he'd already spent a lot of time taking classes and getting expensive college degrees, I told him NO, I'm not doing this anymore.  So he took off ... and I carried on, on my own except for my job which had people I knew and was familiar with and were somewhat supportive.  And I was FINE, emotionally it was maybe even a little better, to be obviously and clearly on my own, when the relationship between him and me had really not been a true "wholeness."   Iirc, I had a kind of defiant feeling, like, I'm tired of being used, I am okay by myself!   So I had about 15 years of being "a person on my own."

But the relationship with my second husband was really WHOLE, I felt WHOLE with him, like we were two halves of ONE WHOLE.  

I am really sorry for you, weswej, because if I hadn't had those years of being on my own, if I'd been married, in a wholeness, for 52 years, then suffered the loss, I can't imagine ... how I would manage "going on."  

The world is still out there.  I am not looking for a partner because my (2nd) husband was IT for me, and I know it and I guess I can say I've felt WHOLE.  "Half my heart has been ripped out," really that's kind of how I feel, more like "half of MYSELF is just not here anymore."  It's a terribly hard adjustment, to adjust to losing half of yourself.   But I had 15 years of being on my own and so I can recognize a lot of what makes this adjustment hard is not so much "being on my own" as it is SORROW because I MISS HIM, personally!  It's PERSONAL.  HE is the one I miss and will always miss.  HE, the person.  And I hope and believe that there is an afterlife, the personal person that is HE Is still out there somewhere, and he is still somehow connected to me, and there are intangible bonds that still connect us.

[KayC]

I totally get how you felt!  My relationship with my kids' dad (23 years) was more than cold, it was awful, whereas with George...it was how a relationship SHOULD be!  We loved each other, all the difference in the world and he treated me like a queen.  We both adored each other.  I wish it could have been forever.

[DWS]

22 minutes ago, KayC said:

We both adored each other.  I wish it could have been forever.

That fits a revelation that I had a couple of weeks ago. Because of my long journey in finally finding someone who I was totally compatible and comfortable being with and then sadly only getting to enjoy four years together, I've told myself that I still want this relationship to continue. I think that's what my semi-isolation and non-socializing behaviour is all about. I like the dialogue that I'm still having with Tom. I don't want that to end and I don't want others to interfere. I suppose that's part of a continuing bond that I have with him. What we had was too enjoyable for me to step away from. Whether it's a choice that I'll eventually make or morph is something that stays down the road. 

[JonathanFive]

You have to follow your emotions and your heart.  Nobody can tell you, "how to feel, how to live, what choices to make," when it comes to this.  That's as apparent as, "accepting the fate  of life, and being with somebody who just lost their life."

I'm going to get another dog, before I get another friend, "meh."

 

Once you're so close to somebody..

 

[HisMunchkin]

6 hours ago, DWS said:

I start going down a darker path wondering if they are stronger/ more resilient than me. That type of comparison and self-scrutinizing isn't very helpful. I guess this is also part of our private grief world. 

Good point.  Everyone's different and have different grieving timelines.  I do hope that someday, you will get to find peace and take pleasure in life again, even if there's still some level grief left inside.  I think there will always be a bit of grief left inside, even decades down the road.  But so long as it's not so great a weight that we can't move forward and enjoy what life still has to offer, then it's o.k.  At least to me.  Death is a part of life.  Grief is a part of love.  Scars might be a good metaphor. 

[shawnt]

I am overwhelmed. Your stories and insights have helped me.

Thank you all for sharing your pain and hard won lessons. 

Ok done with crying(for now)

10 months 14 days. I believe I will never be what I was, we don't get any do overs . I still have to go on. The relationship I had with my Suzy was my whole adult life , I will never have that again ( not enough time left + no one gets that lucky twice) But,but I  believe it won't be empty . You can't go back and relive the pure joy of your first time going down a slide as a child( but I still like a good slide) and I won't get the pure love of a lifetime spent with a soul mate but I have hope there will be new love, grandchildren, new dog, son's will marry and I will have daughter's in law and maybe , just maybe someone special for me.

I am a deluded nimpcompoop with a broken heart and soul but I have hope. It is the only way I know how to continue , that or drink myself to death being a useless tool , no good to anyone and betraying the memory of my wife and all we lived.(and loved)

[Boggled]

On 2/19/2024 at 6:24 PM, JonathanFive said:

I'm just baffled by, "the emotional rollercoaster."  Because, I've kind of spent my days pretty much in, "stable emotion."   I've never been, "happy one moment, sad the next, angry shortly thereafter, depressed shortly after that."

Me too.  I've spent my days pretty much in, "stable emotion" all my life ... until he died.  

Since then it's been emotion emotion emotion on and on and on and on!   I was NOT used to emotion at this level and this deep and uncontrollable!  At the beginning, I wanted music, tried various things, ended up with UN-emo music ... the whole long set of Bach's "Goldberg Variations," helped me.

It's better now, now though, I keep coming on here and just reading a lot, for some reason.

 

[JonathanFive]

19 minutes ago, Boggled said:

ended up with UN-emo music ... the whole long set of Bach's "Goldberg Variations," helped me.

Totally identify - give me anything but, "what we used to listen to together."   Been playing Garth Brooks in the car, spouse hated country.  Fortunately I've still got Garth.

I have not turned on the tv but for maybe twice since his passing.  We used to snuggle and watch hours of tv and movies in bed together.  So many restaurants I can no longer eat at, so many songs that break my heart to listen to.  

Theoretically, I would be sitting in complete silence, but that would be lunacy.   So I'm working on stuff.   Maybe eventually I will share more on that...

A friend of mine on the phone last night said to me, "I was watching The Walking Dead."  I ran off the phone.  Told him I would call him next week.   Rick and Morty, Walking Dead - baby's two fav shows

I'm so worried about him.  I'm absolutely worried, and I hope he's safe. 

What am I worried about?  It's out of my hands.  Certainly he's not in any danger here on Earth.   I imagine he's safe with God in Heaven - assuming..   or he's safe out there in the great energy of the Universe - more likely.

Somewhere out there.  

[KayC]

I'm sure he's not only safe but doing wonderful, where no eye has seen nor ear heard what is prepared for us.  That is much comfort to me and I hope to you also.

[Boggled]

22 hours ago, JonathanFive said:

I'm so worried about him.  I'm absolutely worried, and I hope he's safe. 

What am I worried about?  It's out of my hands.  Certainly he's not in any danger here on Earth.   I imagine he's safe with God in Heaven - assuming..   or he's safe out there in the great energy of the Universe - more likely.

Somewhere out there.  

yeah.  For discussing that, we can't do it except a-way down at the bottom of the forums on here, there's part of the forum called "Spiritual - Religious Beliefs," you have to hit "Home" then go nearly to the bottom.  One thing that's actually been pretty cool for me the past few days, is looking at photos of "Pictish stones - Class I" where the early Scottish Picts left behind "obscure meaning" stones that, for me, make sense ... at least, the two circles connected but with a "z-line" across them, called "double disc and z-rod" on Wikipedia:    Double disc (Pictish symbol) - Wikipedia   ... and then the "crescent" above or below the double disc!  to me, they're marvelous.

 

Edited February 23 by Boggled
more words

[JonathanFive]

another day with a broken heart...

[DWS]

23 hours ago, JonathanFive said:

another day with a broken heart...

Yes...grief seems to be a 24/7 thing with, maybe, a few breaks here and there. As the months move along, I've found that the breaks can get longer with moments where I'll wonder if I really need to return to it. But then bam...a holiday shows up or the season changed or I pass by someone who looked like him or I remembered a tender moment with him that I'd forgotten. Then the break is over.