The private grief world

[KayC]

I remember  when I saw the back of a man in the grocery store and he looked just like George from the back.  It about did me in, the way his hair was, his build, stance, everything...until I saw his face and my heart sunk.  My heart was beating really fast!

[DWS]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

I remember  when I saw the back of a man in the grocery store and he looked just like George from the back.  It about did me in, the way his hair was, his build, stance, everything...until I saw his face and my heart sunk.  My heart was beating really fast!

That's happened to me quite a few times too. When you get used to only seeing them in photos and video (if you're lucky to have some) and in your mind, seeing someone walking with the same body frame and appearance takes your breath away. At that moment, the one we've craved is back and larger than life. It gives me this huge reminder of the real person that once was here. 

[widower2]

As hard as that would be in some ways I'd love it to happen. Just to feel even for a moment that she was here.

[Gail 8588]

It happened to me only once, so far.  John had been dead several years.  But on this day, when I was hot, tired and hungry, sitting on a bench at a local arts festival, I saw him walking up a hill towards me.  Everything about him was like John, his size, shape, gait, clothing, hair, his attitude  nodding to others along  his path.  My heart and mind immediately  and completely believed it was John just coming up the hill to get a bite to eat with me.  When he got close, it was clear it wasn't  my John.  I felt a bit foolish for thinking it could be him and sad that it wasn't.  

[Roxeanne]

4 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

  I felt a bit foolish for thinking it could be him and sad that it wasn't.  

My feelings..

glad that i'm not the only "crazy one " around...😂

[LMR]

6 hours ago, widower2 said:

As hard as that would be in some ways I'd love it to happen. Just to feel even for a moment that she was here.

I'm with you. It hasn't happened to me yet but I would love to experience that feeling that I used to get whenever he came home. 🤗

[DWS]

In my private grief world, I had to face a small challenge of delivering an order to a restaurant yesterday. I only hear from them every other year for this one specific item so yesterday I had to walk into this popular chain restaurant and see life as it always is. 

This is going to sound crazy but I haven't been in a restaurant environment in four years now. The most recent two of those years has been during my time of grief but the two before that were during the covid era when Tom and I were staying away from most public places. I have to say that I had some significant anxiety beforehand at walking into a place and seeing again the common world of people at leisure eating, drinking and laughing that is/was so familiar to me...a world that I've stayed away from in my semi-isolation.  In my mind I was saying that I was once like all of you here but grief and loss has knocked me out of this realm. I no longer fit here. I just don't. 

My partner's passing has left me so lost and out of my element. I'm weirder than I ever was before!

[KayC]

But you faced it and you did it...my applause!

2 hours ago, DWS said:

I no longer fit here. I just don't. 

I get it, and I'm feeling that the older I get.

[RichS]

Some days I feel that way as well. Most days I feel that my new normal feels like an alternate reality; which, when you get right down to it, is really the same thing.

[Jemiga70]

18 hours ago, DWS said:

[. . . ] a world that I've stayed away from in my semi-isolation.  In my mind I was saying that I was once like all of you here but grief and loss has knocked me out of this realm. I no longer fit here. I just don't. 

I too no longer belong to that world you describe, but the annoyance of having to eat brings me there often. The nature of the mission I'm on - to see if I could relocate solo to Asia down the road - demands dining out a lot because I stay in budget rooms that lack a kitchen.  Before I left I never dined out; cooking at home is less triggering.  Here, I'm forced to eat out or go hungry. What Ive noticed is that I rarely eat to enjoy the food; the only purpose is to fuel the body. I never linger at the table afterwards. Just eat and leave, quickly. That never happened when we were together, neither at home or out. The sight of other couples having dinner has been almost enough to break me at times. I just live through it.

Kudos for having the guts and the strength to complete your work task, tough as it must've been.

[KayC]

Lately I've been eating OMAD (one meal a day) and it cuts a lot of the stress of cooking, plus I'm at a lower weight and have more energy being on Ketosis.  I try to pay attention to when I'm hungry and not just looking to fill a void.  The added bonus is my diabetes is well under control!

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

Don’t know why, but tonight emotions just washed over me for a good 20-30 minutes.  All of a sudden the thought in my mind is “My life is so empty without my bride.”  This sucks with Veronica here.  What am I doing?  I have stuff to do for the house and stuff in the garage and volunteering but beyond that, no purpose in life like I had with her here.  Sadness and loneliness.  Marking time in life.  One day at a time.

[KayC]

Right now my purpose is taking care of my Kodie and Panther...beyond that, who knows, I try to stay in today.

[Sparky1]

4 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

Don’t know why, but tonight emotions just washed over me for a good 20-30 minutes.  All of a sudden the thought in my mind is “My life is so empty without my bride.”  This sucks with Veronica here.  What am I doing?  I have stuff to do for the house and stuff in the garage and volunteering but beyond that, no purpose in life like I had with her here.  Sadness and loneliness.  Marking time in life.  One day at a time.

My wife has been gone for about 3 and a half years, and the grieving has become more manageable. Not a day goes by that I don't grieve for her, but the last little while I have had some real intense setbacks. Almost like it was at the beginning, it comes over me like a huge tidal wave out of the blue. I guess the emptiness and loneliness is something that can't be fought. Like most of us, friends have vanished or promise to get together but it never happens. For me it's a daily struggle to keep busy, to keep going, but it's so hard without someone by my side. 

[DWS]

12 minutes ago, Sparky1 said:

I guess the emptiness and loneliness is something that can't be fought. 

I think that's the part that's maddening...frustrating...exhausting! I know I don't want to just spend my life in a puddle of tears (and boy, some days I feel it could) but getting on with life without my partner is stressful. And as you noted, there are these setbacks and you start wondering when will those stop? My stress comes from feeling that I somehow have to stop it...but maybe I don't want to. I know, right now, the nicer weather we've been having here is causing me setbacks. Tom would be loving it and I would be too.  

[RichS]

6 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

Don’t know why, but tonight emotions just washed over me for a good 20-30 minutes.  All of a sudden the thought in my mind is “My life is so empty without my bride.”  This sucks with Veronica here.  What am I doing?  I have stuff to do for the house and stuff in the garage and volunteering but beyond that, no purpose in life like I had with her here.  Sadness and loneliness.  Marking time in life.  One day at a time.

Rey:  I get those emotions frequently and they last about as long as you said. Like you, they seem to come when I'm "not busy"; but we can't be doing things to distract us 24/7, either. Luckily, both of us have family and friends to fall back on. Phone calls on the spot to them are helpful as well. It may not work for everyone but "talk" has always been good therapy for me. TV helps (if it's the right program), listening to music, watching you tube videos. Prayer helps as well. 

Sadness and loneliness. Marking time in life. One day at a time. - I live this life everyday myself (even with my son and cat, who both love me). Without being in San Diego to talk with you about it, I've said what I've said as if I were there with you. My grief counselor friend says that it will take awhile for us to "find ourselves" - our purpose for the rest of our lives, how we choose to live it, etc. Unfortunately, after 19 months I still haven't arrived there. Hopefully a light will shine for you sooner. HANG IN THERE!

[LMR]

2 hours ago, Sparky1 said:

My wife has been gone for about 3 and a half years, and the grieving has become more manageable. Not a day goes by that I don't grieve for her, but the last little while I have had some real intense setbacks. Almost like it was at the beginning, it comes over me like a huge tidal wave out of the blue. I guess the emptiness and loneliness is something that can't be fought. Like most of us, friends have vanished or promise to get together but it never happens. For me it's a daily struggle to keep busy, to keep going, but it's so hard without someone by my side. 

You are roughly the same time frame as me and I am also having intense setbacks. I was definitely doing better last summer but I have steadily been going downhill. It's like I've been waiting for him to come home and the wait has just become too much. It's too long and I desperately need to feel his touch, hear his voice. I'm not lonely per se, just lonely for him. Nothing else really matters.

[DWS]

42 minutes ago, LMR said:

I'm not lonely per se, just lonely for him. 

That's such a perfect way of stating it. It's working around this truth that is the challenge.

[LMR]

Something else I realised today. It's not just that I can't feel the same level of happiness that I used to but that  everything is stunted.

I was in the kitchen when this big spider appeared. I avoided it yes but I just walked away. Thinking about it I have even gone to sleep knowing there is a spider in the room, something that I could never do before. I really hate them, I used to practically have a panic attack if one got anywhere near me. Now it's like, ugh, that's it. The worst has happened, nothing else matters. I'm just going through the motions.

[RichS]

33 minutes ago, LMR said:

Now it's like, ugh, that's it. The worst has happened, nothing else matters. I'm just going through the motions.

I've gotten more indifferent since Chris passed away. There's two ways I look at it: Sometimes its for the better not to sweat the small stuff. Other times I may be overlooking something....................

[JonathanFive]

I'm sure the spider appreciates still being alive.   It's ok.  I try not to kill the pests as well

[HisMunchkin]

6 hours ago, LMR said:

Something else I realised today. It's not just that I can't feel the same level of happiness that I used to but that  everything is stunted.

I was in the kitchen when this big spider appeared. I avoided it yes but I just walked away. Thinking about it I have even gone to sleep knowing there is a spider in the room, something that I could never do before. I really hate them, I used to practically have a panic attack if one got anywhere near me. Now it's like, ugh, that's it. The worst has happened, nothing else matters. I'm just going through the motions.

I find myself "zombie" like sometimes.  And I do find that with some things, I no longer care, but with others, I feel more fearful and anxious and find it harder to cope than when my husband was by my side. 

[KayC]

Of course it is.  That is true for all of us, I am sure.

[Jemiga70]

On 3/9/2024 at 10:18 PM, RichS said:

but we can't be doing things to distract us 24/7, either.

Funny you wrote this because yesterday I was thinking I want to be busier, I want to do work that keeps me really busy, perhaps 6-7 days a week working, maybe 12-15 hour days - anything to fill as much time as possible. I started thinking about changing fields.... about what I could do next or what I could shift into using what I already know -- or maybe just learn something completely new. Reinvent myself from the foundation. I'm "only" 53.   My life's at ground zero anyhow so what does it matter?

Then I read your comment and I forgot about things like sleeping and eating, appointments, relationships, and how it's impossible to fill every single hour with busy-ness.

The periods of loneliness cannot be avoided, unfortunately.

[Jemiga70]

On 3/10/2024 at 3:43 AM, JonathanFive said:

I'm sure the spider appreciates still being alive.   It's ok.  I try not to kill the pests as well

Ever since she passed I have developed an extreme aversion to killing any living thing.  I'm not perfect, however, because this morning a few ants went down the sink (I didn't want them to) and of course I've joyfully killed plenty of mosquitoes.  I'd been eating plant based for almost 3 years and feeling physically well. Being where I am right now, meat is part of the culture. There are vegan options (Buddhism influence) but sometimes you're left with eat chicken or go hungry. Of course I'm not killing the food animal myself but...

We do the best we can with what we've got and what works for us as individuals.

[Boggled]

6 hours ago, Jemiga70 said:

We do the best we can with what we've got and what works for us as individuals.

 I also went vegetarian about the first year after.  But not strictly.  Just mostly.  When my sons visited, shifted over to "regular food."  

Yesterday was a "bad" day for me;  I've been thinking, "I'm better!" and then get hit with big wave, WHAM! ... reading back on a bookmarked site, this morning I found something concrete (which from what I've been reading, is unusual in that it's a TECHNIQUE, thus "something somebody thinks we can DO!  (gasp!) )  Reframing: Technique to Make the Good Memories Come Alive - Open to Hope

and another of this counsellor's ideas is that we can become "entangled":  Entangled or Unresolved Grief - Open to Hope   ... she starts with a quote by Eckhart Tolle, a good sign IMHO.

anyhoo ... just thought I'd post those links.  

[DWS]

8 hours ago, Jemiga70 said:

Funny you wrote this because yesterday I was thinking I want to be busier, I want to do work that keeps me really busy, perhaps 6-7 days a week working, maybe 12-15 hour days - anything to fill as much time as possible.

It's funny that you wrote that because I discovered, at least for myself, that being too busy with work has done the opposite for me. A few weeks before last Christmas, an old acquaintance of mine sought out my services to help promote his lifetime of artistry. He has had quite a lot of success in the past as a sculptor and painter but is now mid-70s, had major heart surgery five years ago, and is now making this last big effort to hopefully sell much of his work. He came up up with this worldwide marketing idea which I've been embroiled in now for almost four months. Because we're past friends, our business relationship stretches the normal working hours concept which means he calls in the early evenings and on weekends whenever he has new ideas and epiphanies. It's been nice having this continual work and I maneuver and try to handle his ideas being thrown at me to the best of my abilities. I always have been someone who enjoys working outside of the norm so I've welcomed it in as somewhat of a thrill that I've needed. 

But adding it to my regular work schedule with loyal clients has kind of taken me out of my grief realm at times. One would think that's a good thing...can't spend your time wallowing they say...but it has also taken me away from some of the things that I found were continuing bonds with Tom. One of those things is working on the house which helps bring me close to him again. I was also dabbling with some art projects of my own which I discovered kept him close....but my busy work schedule has been taking me away from them. I like those continuing bonds and feel emptiness without them. 

 

[KayC]

I had some links on continuing bonds but had to move them so they're in the spiritual section, didn't think they were spiritual, but...

[HisMunchkin]

17 hours ago, Jemiga70 said:

Ever since she passed I have developed an extreme aversion to killing any living thing.  I'm not perfect, however, because this morning a few ants went down the sink (I didn't want them to) and of course I've joyfully killed plenty of mosquitoes.  I'd been eating plant based for almost 3 years and feeling physically well.

I've been a vegetarian for over three decades, and I've always had an aversion to killing most living things (except some insects like centipedes and mosquitoes, etc.).  Once, I was washing some vegetables (can't remember what) and found an inch worm - a small green worm that was kind of cute.  I picked it up with a toothpick and put it out on the deck.  Several minutes later, I went to check on it.  There was only the toothpick left, and a squirrel laying on the deck all relaxed, chewing on something..... 😒  But I digress...  

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

Perusing Sunday’s newspaper (yes, I still get those) and stopped in the Arts and Entertainment section on book reviews.  Book review caught my eye for some reason.  Book is “After Annie” by Anna Quindlen.  It is a novel in which the author chronicles four seasons of loss and survival.  

The paragraph that caught my eye is this: “What happens in the crushing vacuum of such an absence?  In the novel, as the husband sees it, ‘He had a life and a family and it had been a wheel and then the hub was gone and it was just a collection of spokes, and a collection of spokes didn’t spin, didn’t take you anywhere.’”  The pretty much describes my feelings right now.  With Veronica gone I think I am just existing, or something like that.  No reason to make future plans.  It could change later, but not seeing it right now.  

[WithoutHer]

20 minutes ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

With Veronica gone I think I am just existing, or something like that.  No reason to make future plans.  It could change later, but not seeing it right now.  

@Rey Dominguez Jr I feel pretty much the same Rey. But equate to big hole in my world. There hasn't been enough in my world to equate those spokes to. When Vickie came into my a life a void was filled I didn't realize was there. But because of that I know and feel everyday what I've lost. I cannot foresee any way that hole can be filled.

[KayC]

No that hole doesn't get filled, we just learn to work with what we have left.

[WithoutHer]

1 minute ago, KayC said:

No that hole doesn't get filled, we just learn to work with what we have left.

Yes while even after a year I fell back into the denial stages I have fully accepted that hole will always be a part of me. 

[KayC]

I reckon it's a measure of our love for them, although I've never tried to hang onto that void...it's just there.  It's my missing him.

[Roxeanne]

3 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

No reason to make future plans.  It could change later, but not seeing it right now.  

We are wounded...it requires strenght and bravery to live again!

We live under the illusion that our beautiful life will last forever, that illusion had broken when my soulmate died...

But that's life!

I will always miss him, but nothing can bring my life with him back, how much i wish it...

So what  can i do ?

I learned to change my look at life, appreciate what i had with him and not only what i lost...and try everyday to enjoy my life, do what i can with what i have...for me is a good purpose try to be a better person and, as i said before, not a bitter person.

In two days will be the sixth anniversary of his death. That night i will go to a theater for a comic comedy...we laughed a lot together so what better way to celebrate him, our love, our life together ?

It takes times being able to accept what seems unbearable , but acceptance gives peace of mind and a kind of awareness i haven't before.

It's a hard road, but there may be a sweetbitter light at the end of the tunnel!

 

 

[KayC]

1 hour ago, Roxeanne said:

I learned to change my look at life, appreciate what i had with him and not only what i lost...and try everyday to enjoy my life, do what i can with what i have

Absolutely!

[RichS]

2 hours ago, Roxeanne said:

So what  can i do ?

I learned to change my look at life, appreciate what i had with him and not only what i lost...and try everyday to enjoy my life, do what i can with what i have...for me is a good purpose try to be a better person and, as i said before, not a bitter person.

In two days will be the sixth anniversary of his death. That night i will go to a theater for a comic comedy...we laughed a lot together so what better way to celebrate him, our love, our life together ?

It takes times being able to accept what seems unbearable , but acceptance gives peace of mind and a kind of awareness i haven't before.

Very well said!!..............I'm just in my second year of this journey. My guess is that I'm going to need more time (a lot more??) before I begin to have a better outlook on the future. At least I'm functioning everyday; so that is my positive up to now. Hopefully that will gradually change over time.

[DWS]

Yesterday, I received a blanket email message sent out from an acquaintance telling everyone of a St. Patrick's Day dance happening this Saturday and that tickets were still available at the door for anyone wanting to go. Announcements like this still leave me feeling stunned even though it's now two years since my partner passed away. Of course, I have absolutely no desire to go but the email reminds me that others continue to have fun moments in life. They're not in this darkness that I'm in. It's something I'm reminded of every evening watching the local news when they report on the large attendance at a charity event last night or tell everyone of upcoming weekend events. Life continues. People still want and look for things to do.

The private grief world is such a lonely but also mystifying place. 

[shawnt]

It's the hardest thing to accept, and one of the hardest truths; Life goes on . For me I want the world to slow down and wait for me to get up off my knees but nope on it goes.

[KayC]

It's a hard realization that life goes on for everyone but us.

[RichS]

Not sure if this belongs in the Spiritual Forum but here goes:  A friend reminded me that because life goes on for those of us left behind (to deal with this world), we need the prayers of the deceased rather than us praying for them...............

 

 

[msa]

On 3/9/2024 at 3:48 PM, Sparky1 said:

My wife has been gone for about 3 and a half years, and the grieving has become more manageable. Not a day goes by that I don't grieve for her, but the last little while I have had some real intense setbacks. Almost like it was at the beginning, it comes over me like a huge tidal wave out of the blue. I guess the emptiness and loneliness is something that can't be fought. Like most of us, friends have vanished or promise to get together but it never happens. For me it's a daily struggle to keep busy, to keep going, but it's so hard without someone by my side. 

I feel yr pain my friend ... it almost feels like i posted this myself. After 5 years i still have to hunt for a reason to get up in the morning, but one has to keep going I suppose. I miss her so much...

[KayC]

Welcome to our forum!  It helps to read and post, some here are very new to their loss while it's nearly 19 years for me and we have so many in between so you will find others that get it and understand here.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[JonathanFive]

2 hours ago, msa said:

I feel yr pain my friend ... it almost feels like i posted this myself. After 5 years i still have to hunt for a reason to get up in the morning, but one has to keep going I suppose. I miss her so much...

That's why stories of loss and living beyond loss are so inspiring...   I miss my lover terribly too.  Just unbelievable missing.

it hurts!!!

[DWS]

Last night, I watched the final episode of the American tv series "The Office" when it ended its run in 2013. I've watched many episodes of it in syndication but never caught the ending episode. I burst into tears at something the Andy character said and lo and behold, someone has posted the quick clip on Youtube...

 

[RichS]

I guess we should enjoy any good that each day brings us and not take any day for granted; because some of the experiences of any day may never come our way again..................

[JonathanFive]

15 hours ago, RichS said:

I guess we should enjoy any good that each day brings us and not take any day for granted; because some of the experiences of any day may never come our way again..................

Definitely cherish the time you've got.  Obviously, we all know, time is fleeting...

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

A thought has popped into my mind lately that I shared with Veronica when I went to sit with her Sunday afternoon.  That thought is I don’t think her sister and BIL will be coming to visit in Sandy Eggo anytime soon.  Reason is, quite honestly, Veronica is not here anymore, thus no real reason to come, plus the fact our son is living in the den where Veronica’s sister would normally sleep on the fold out sleeper sofa.  I am not annoyed or upset about it, just a realization.  I do understand why.  I was also thinking, were I to go to El Paso, I don’t think I could stay at SIL’s home because Veronica would not be with me.  Sadness would be too much.  Maybe I might mellow with time.  

Spoke to my sisters earlier today.  Discussed my uncle’s passing last week.  Honestly, sad at his passing but not by much.  For some odd reason he was very hateful and mean towards my parents before they passed.  We never really knew why.  No longer matters.  But my sister was saying they would come out to be with me for Veronica’s one year anniversary in June.  I think I would rather be alone for that.  When she passed, I was surrounded with family and friends, and just wanted to be alone then.  Though I was grateful for the support and love then, this time I prefer to do it alone.

[RichS]

Sometimes places and events are painful reminders of our lost loved ones. I also understand that there are times where being alone to reflect on your thoughts is good therapy. Other times being with others helps you to realize that you're not alone all the time; which is also good therapy. We each have to find our own balance of the two. I feel both are important, but not too much of an extreme of one or the other. Too much isolation can lead to depression. Too much socializing can make us avoid the time we need to grieve. At least that's what I've discovered so far.

[WithoutHer]

I'm finding how much grief is effecting my emotions daily. There are so many unexpected triggers. Things that prior to the loss would not have been given a second thought. I find myself tearing up at the oddest things. Too many examples to mention but those that seem to be completely unrelated to the situation puzzle me the most. Something in my subconscious is making a relationship I don't understand.