The private grief world

[DWS]

Ever since @RichS shared an excerpt from a book that his friend (a grief counselor) is writing, I've been fascinated by the words "private grief world" that he used. What a perfect description of what eventually happens to most of us who have lost a loved one....particularly for those losing a partner or spouse. It really is a place where I know I am. While others in our lives try to hurry us along in the hopes that we'll smile again and are relieved when they see glimpses of that, we know that those are only temporary. There are all of the other times when they don't see us in our grief because it really does become a singular journey. Unfortunately after all of this time, I don't really have anyone to open up to about this continual hurt and sadness other than my partner's daughter...and even with her, I try not to give her too much concern about me. So I stay within this world of continual mulling and search for reason and meaning.

As I come up to the two year mark, I now start to wonder just how much processing Tom's unexpected death will take before I can find any solace in this...or is there a chance I may never find that? Is that something for me to hope for? Is that a goal? In my private grief world, I only have my continual thoughts and thankfully, this discussion board to rely on for sharing and releasing. My grief counselling ended a few months ago. At some point, I may seek more perhaps as a way to help me out of this. But then again, I don't even know if I want to!

Do you feel you are in your own private grief world? Do you have others who understand that and who sincerely respect it?

[rlh]

I do feel that way, about 5 weeks in.

My son seems to be doing alright. Obviously while we don't shy away from "dad's not here anymore" I don't hone in on it with him as much as my inner thoughts focus on it.

I just started grief counseling so I hope it helps because right now I feel so lost and have no idea how I can manage to go back to work in nearly 4 weeks. I can barely peel myself off the bed or couch and manage to force a shower every 3 days or so. I've lost 20 lbs. I'm constantly tired. I just started zoloft and it may be making me mildly nauseated and/or tired but I'm such a mess I can't tell if it's the meds or the grief right now.

While I'm mentally in my own private grief world, I'm also physically here. Since my husband's burial, I've had maybe 6 real face to face encounters. (Dinner with old boss, fellow parent came to help with kid's computer, went to mom's, neighbor brought food to the door, and a short conversation with a parent after school.)

My mom understands, having just lost my dad 2 years ago. A family friend checks in with me daily and understands grief (I have been a bit more prepared to handle and share my grief because I saw her do so with her mother). 

[KayC]

My mom understood some but my mom was mentally ill all her life so hard to share with...she's been gone ten years now but was gone before with her mental illness and dementia.

My sister understood some the last 1 1/2 years of her life but she also had dementia so was limited.  Others...not so much.

[shawnt]

I think you are right. It is a solo journey, as this site shows there is lots of people on similar paths but we all have to do it alone . The only people who have a grasp of our grief are others who have suffered similar losses, unfortunately they are also broken and understanding isn't comfort.

I am becoming someone new, the hole in my heart is just a part of the new. As I have said before the horrible truth is that life goes on; even against our will. It is up to me what I do with that, squirm in pain at what I can't change or try and live(somehow). There is something magical when we find the love of our lives, I was whole. It will never be ok , the loss is permanent and life goes on. Not very hopeful but when I read the history on this site you can hear people become new and even with a huge hole in their heart they continue living; and I find hope in that.

[DWS]

13 minutes ago, shawnt said:

The only people who have a grasp of our grief are others who have suffered similar losses, unfortunately they are also broken and understanding isn't comfort.

A fairly heart-to-heart discussion that I had this past week with a longtime customer really shone a light on this continual private grief journey of mine. My customer is a 75 year old independent accountant and so we first started chatting about surviving financially in our senior years. We usually only talk about business but this time, he asked if I'd ever been married so I opened up about having a partner who passed away almost two years ago...and then mentioned about being in grief since then. 

He offered condolences and then told me about of a major health event that his wife went through last summer. She almost ended up in intensive care but whatever treatments they gave her helped and she was fine. My customer and his wife have been married for more than 40 years and so he mentioned what a fright it was for him...but that's about as far as he could meet me in my grief. He did mention other clients of his that have lost their spouses and then said that many of them found other partners and re-married so it was "good that they had moved on". 

As I went back to my van, the loneliness of my grief really came on strong....realizing how difficult it is to carry grief and not being able to fully share it with others.

[DWS]

44 minutes ago, rlh said:

I do feel that way, about 5 weeks in.

My son seems to be doing alright. Obviously while we don't shy away from "dad's not here anymore" I don't hone in on it with him as much as my inner thoughts focus on it.

It's good to hear that you've sought some counselling. I can imagine how challenging this must be and will be for you finding that fine line of trying to show some personal strength to your son but also not wanting him to start thinking you're totally okay. It's still so early and raw for you but one thing that I have certainly learned in my chats with my partner's daughter is that I'm really the only one she feels comfortable opening up to with her grief over her Dad. It's not that her husband doesn't care (he's a great guy) but because of the time lapse now, I sense that she doesn't want to show how weakened she still is. I could see how a young male would try to do the same. 

[widower2]

1 hour ago, DWS said:

Do you feel you are in your own private grief world?

I think every human being is in a sense in their own world, grieving or otherwise. There's only one consciousness per body. When we lose someone, that becomes a "grief world" as you say.

Quote

Do you have others who understand that and who sincerely respect it? 

I don't think anyone really understands it until they go through it, but some at least get that it exists and respect/feel bad about it. But honestly, no, I don't feel like I really ever had that. When I lost my beloved, nobody checked up on me or said "call if you want to talk" etc. I had more "privacy" than I'd wish on anyone.

[RichS]

1 hour ago, DWS said:

Do you feel you are in your own private grief world? Do you have others who understand that and who sincerely respect it?

Yes, I do. Everyday. I feel as if "going through the motions" and putting on my best face are part of my daily routine; if for no other reason than to not bring other's spirits down every time they see me. Privately, through prayer and reflection, I get to "let off some steam" which helps me in my grief journey.

As for my family and friends, yes on that as well. As well meaning as family and friends can be, they don't fully understand what we privately feel and think, nor should they be expected to. Only we who had a unique, one on one relationship with our partners have the clearest understanding of how we fe3el. Just like the snowflakes, no two relationships are exactly alike; so it makes sense that each of us may have similar grief feelings, but each is unique because our relationships were unique.

 

[HisMunchkin]

I certainly feel like I'm in my own private grief world.  But I must say, it doesn't feel as lonely because of all you folks.

 

1 hour ago, DWS said:

As I come up to the two year mark, I now start to wonder just how much processing Tom's unexpected death will take before I can find any solace in this...or is there a chance I may never find that? Is that something for me to hope for? Is that a goal?

Have you felt any improvement at all over time? 

 

1 hour ago, rlh said:

Since my husband's burial, I've had maybe 6 real face to face encounters. (Dinner with old boss, fellow parent came to help with kid's computer, went to mom's, neighbor brought food to the door, and a short conversation with a parent after school.)

How did you feel after each of those encounters?

 

30 minutes ago, widower2 said:

I think every human being is in a sense in their own world, grieving or otherwise. There's only one consciousness per body. When we lose someone, that becomes a "grief world" as you say.

I take it to mean that it feels like no one else I know seem to understand the depth of the grief I feel, because no one else had a closer relationship to my husband than me at the time of his illness and eventual passing (or for the past 25 years, for that matter).  No one else, aside from various doctors and nurses, witnessed what he went through when he had really bad treatment side effects, or how he suffered and deteriorated near the end.  Then when I hear things like, "Look on the bright side!", I am certain that they have no idea how I feel.  Not even close.  This makes me feel very alone, and that loneliness is what makes me feel like I'm in my own private grief world.  

 

46 minutes ago, RichS said:

if for no other reason than to not bring other's spirits down every time they see me.

That's another thing.  I don't want to be a downer so I feel obliged to appear o.k.  That wall makes me feel even more lonely.  

[widower2]

19 minutes ago, HisMunchkin said:

I take it to mean that it feels like no one else I know seem to understand the depth of the grief I feel, because no one else had a closer relationship to my husband than me at the time of his illness and eventual passing (or for the past 25 years, for that matter).  No one else, aside from various doctors and nurses, witnessed what he went through when he had really bad treatment side effects, or how he suffered and deteriorated near the end.  Then when I hear things like, "Look on the bright side!", I am certain that they have no idea how I feel.  Not even close.  This makes me feel very alone, and that loneliness is what makes me feel like I'm in my own private grief world.  

Exactly, same here on all counts. 

[rlh]

35 minutes ago, HisMunchkin said:

How did you feel after each of those encounters?

I also forgot my inlaws came over for 2 hours last week as well. In most of them I welcomed the distractions. With my inlaws, it wasn't much of a distraction since my FIL was playing games with my son, and my MIL isn't often talkative during visits (even my husband mentioned this to me at one point). I did have them look though some photo prints I'd made doubles of when getting some prints for the service, so that they could take some. 

I do genuinely want people around me, the problem is that locally I don't have any I'm close enough to to be like "please come spend time with me while I'm miserable". 

Tomorrow, my BIL and his wife are coming over for a bit, I'm not sure how I'm going to feel about that one. Seeing their happy little family, and my SIL, though well meaning, has caused me some stress (unintentionally and probably not even aware that she did) in a few instances over the last few weeks than comfort. 

[DWS]

39 minutes ago, HisMunchkin said:

Have you felt any improvement at all over time? 

Yes...for sure there's improvement. The various stages of rawness and confusion do wane over time. I've become accustomed to my grieving much like the feeling when we become accustomed to loving. I guess it really is a day-to-day grief world where some days are fine and others not so good. 

[DWS]

15 minutes ago, rlh said:

I do genuinely want people around me, the problem is that locally I don't have any I'm close enough to to be like "please come spend time with me while I'm miserable". 

This is a video that I found early in my online grief travels. It still hits me hard but soothes too....

 

[JonathanFive]

My big problem with Hunter S. Thompson was always his misanthropic take on humanity and his assumptions concerning the loneliness of the human experience.  I have this, "hopeful mind," that wants me to say, "he was so wrong," and this, "logical mind," that tells me, "he was so right."

That being said, human beings have an innate need to categorize. It stems from our, "safety in numbers," which has been the key to us becoming the most dominant species on Earth.

Thompson's writings on the loneliness of the human experience are incongruent with the history of human evolution.

Of course, I can empathize with the intense loneliness and very lately, "extreme depression," that arises in the wake of such loss. But what I have found out, is that my emotions in grief are ever-twisting, ever-turning, ever-changing, I couldn't commit to a way to describe how I feel today, because I do not know how I will feel later today or even tomorrow. 

@RichS does your friend's book talk about how we can get, "out of our own private world of grief," or does it give us the impression that, "the private world is the new normal?"

Because, I couldn't just, "accept that I am in a private world of grief," for the rest of my life.   That's not fun sounding.   Actually, "it's crazy depressing."  And what is the worldview associated with that?  Is it, "Thomsonesque?"  

“We are all alone, born alone, die alone, and—in spite of True Romance magazines—we shall all someday look back on our lives and see that, in spite of our company, we were alone the whole way. I do not say lonely—at least, not all the time—but essentially, and finally, alone." - Hunter S. Thompson

Is that true? How do you decide if that is true or not?  From an evolutionary standpoint, it's questionable.  We are social creatures, we categorize our groups to know, "who is with us, and who is against us," we became the dominant species on this planet, "together," and certainly did not do it alone. We're born from a mother and a father, we're socialized and educated to interact with our families, our communities other cultures.

That often happens with humanities though, that we take one aspect of art, or one perspective from an artist, and apply it as a truth of all human existence.  How often though, is something so black and white?

Yes, I feel all alone in my grief right now.  Could even identify with being, "in a private world of grief."   But why?   Is it because nobody can empathize with my pain - unlikely, or because I lost my lover - more likely.

I would imagine the loneliness belongs more to the loss that I am experiencing, and far less to those who empathize well enough, or fail to empathize well enough with said loss...

[JonathanFive]

I think in early grief, a big issue is stress. 

[rlh]

2 hours ago, DWS said:

This is a video that I found early in my online grief travels. It still hits me hard but soothes too....

Although I think the wording is a bit different, early on in her book, she covers this same idea. The other day on my social media I mentioned that I'm reading It's Okay not to be Okay and recommended that others read it too, even if they aren't currently experiencing a loss/grief, because she gives good background on what we do wrong when trying to support people. 

 

1 hour ago, JonathanFive said:

I think in early grief, a big issue is stress. 

Definitely. I've also been getting racing heart/heart palpitations, which isn't something I've dealt with before (the first night it really scared me). 

[KayC]

49 minutes ago, DWS said:

This is a video that I found early in my online grief travels. It still hits me hard but soothes too....

This is such a good video!  I have saved it.  

This is such a good thread!  Everyone's comments...I so agree.

[rlh]

2 minutes ago, JonathanFive said:

That warrants a vist to the doctor - pcp or cardiologist.   Take care of yourself.

It's been really intermittent (mostly at night when my thoughts are racing so it's definitely stress driving it). I'm pretty sure I mentioned it to my pcp when I met her last (things the past few weeks have been such a blur), and it was at that meeting we discussed again the possibility of me going on zoloft, which I started. My dosage just increased today, so I was going to see how it goes the next few days and check back with my PCP if the palpitations are continuing (since the hope is, if it's anxiety & stress related, the medication should help with that a bit). 

[DWS]

55 minutes ago, JonathanFive said:

Yes, I feel all alone in my grief right now.  Could even identify with being, "in a private world of grief."   But why?   Is it because nobody can empathize with my pain - unlikely, or because I lost my lover - more likely.

I would imagine the loneliness belongs more to the loss that I am experiencing, and far less to those who empathize well enough, or fail to empathize well enough with said loss...

I don't want to distort Rich's friend's thoughts so here is part of the excerpt that I referenced...

The disconnect between the person in grief and others makes the griever feel all the more isolated. It’s as if they’re flowing in the moment, while holding on for dear life. Yet a breakthrough of loneliness can take place in a moment by making one simple telephone call, speaking one word to another person, or sharing feelings with a trusted person. Breaking loneliness starts by letting those we’re comfortable with, into our private grief world. 

For me, eventually it became a question of who can I share my still grieving heart with and who is willing to acknowledge rather than dismiss it. For example, I know that I wouldn't mention that I had a crying spell yesterday to my sister because I know her response would be "are you still talking with your grief counselor" which would signal to me that she thinks I should be over this and need fixing. That's just her and I know there's no need to put myself through such an unnecessary moment like that. For sure, we are in a world of grief because of the loss of our partners/spouses but it morphs into being private and silent to others because of that risk. 

 

[JonathanFive]

6 minutes ago, DWS said:

I don't want to distort Rich's friend's thoughts so here is part of the excerpt that I referenced...

The disconnect between the person in grief and others makes the griever feel all the more isolated. It’s as if they’re flowing in the moment, while holding on for dear life. Yet a breakthrough of loneliness can take place in a moment by making one simple telephone call, speaking one word to another person, or sharing feelings with a trusted person. Breaking loneliness starts by letting those we’re comfortable with, into our private grief world. 

For me, eventually it became a question of who can I share my still grieving heart with and who is willing to acknowledge rather than dismiss it. For example, I know that I wouldn't mention that I had a crying spell yesterday to my sister because I know her response would be "are you still talking with your grief counselor" which would signal to me that she thinks I should be over this and need fixing. That's just her and I know there's no need to put myself through such an unnecessary moment like that. For sure, we are in a world of grief because of the loss of our partners/spouses but it morphs into being private and silent to others because of that risk. 

 

Thank you!!  I went looking for the excerpt and I couldn't find it.   Now I need to think on this.  It's very complex, will take me a while to respons back, but wanted you to know I read it

[rlh]

29 minutes ago, DWS said:

For me, eventually it became a question of who can I share my still grieving heart with and who is willing to acknowledge rather than dismiss it. For example, I know that I wouldn't mention that I had a crying spell yesterday to my sister because I know her response would be "are you still talking with your grief counselor" which would signal to me that she thinks I should be over this and need fixing. That's just her and I know there's no need to put myself through such an unnecessary moment like that. For sure, we are in a world of grief because of the loss of our partners/spouses but it morphs into being private and silent to others because of that risk. 

I think this is why my mom is my major "safe person" right now. 

My MIL messages me and checks in every day, but has said things like "we have some good days and bad days, I'm sure it's the same for you." I typed and deleted a few times, but what I really want to say is "no, right now, every day is a really bad day, with just moments where I can pull myself together enough to make sure our son is cared for."

My mother, on the other hand, hasn't presumed how I'm feeling. When I tell her things, she might say she wishes she could take away my pain, but in an acknowledgement that she can't. Often when I talk about things like hearing a sound and having to remind myself he's not here, she acknowledges that that may happen for a while and opens up to me in some of those moments and will tell me how, even 2 years out, she sometimes will hear a sound at night and start to speak out to check on my dad, and then remember she's not talking to anyone. 

Same with my friend that I text regularly who lives across the country (where my husband and I used to live). She doesn't presume, she doesn't try to cheer me up. She just listens, and we will also talk about other things here and there. 

[weswej]

I'm just over the two years ago mark in my grief life. I can't call it a grief journey because I'm not going anywhere. I had some counseling, tried two other online grief support groups, but nothing "took." I agree that it's a very lonely, private place when you lose a partner. We were high school sweethearts and were married for 52 years. I still have absolutely no idea how to be a person on my own. I feel as though half my heart has been ripped out. 

[Gail 8588]

For me, all 7 years have been a solitary journey.  I have family and friends who care about me. They have reached out to me.  I don't  feel abandoned.  It is more, I don't  think they can understand where I am. 

In my first 3 + years of grief, I could not tell them how much pain I was in, because they would have been too worried about me, perhaps even hospitalize me.  I didn't  want that. 

The past 3 + years, I have shared with my family and friends how much better I am. But they still don't  have a clue what a huge void I have in my life.   I think that they think I'm  "over John's  death".  I just let them think that, because it is too hard to explain that I'll  never be over his death. 

This forum is where I feel acknowledged  and accepted.  You all understand.

[JonathanFive]

10 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said:

In my first 3 + years of grief, I could not tell them how much pain I was in, because they would have been too worried about me, perhaps even hospitalize me.  I didn't  want that. 

Its also about, "who we lose."   I can totally understand this from the perspective that you lost, "your one and only."  I can totally understand, "the private world of it."

Edited February 3 by JonathanFive
typo

[KayC]

1 hour ago, weswej said:

I'm just over the two years ago mark in my grief life.

I am so sorry for your loss.  This is a good place to read and post and find others going through similar in their grief journeys.

We call it a journey even if we aren't going anywhere with it.  

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[JonathanFive]

2 hours ago, weswej said:

I'm just over the two years ago mark in my grief life. I can't call it a grief journey because I'm not going anywhere. I had some counseling, tried two other online grief support groups, but nothing "took." I agree that it's a very lonely, private place when you lose a partner. We were high school sweethearts and were married for 52 years. I still have absolutely no idea how to be a person on my own. I feel as though half my heart has been ripped out. 

I know this isn't much, but I just try and get through the motions of each day believing with all my heart that my lost love wouldn't want me to cry and be so sad.  I cry and am sad regardless, but thinking how much he wouldn't want me to cry, and how he would want me to move forward and be, "ok."   It helps me a little.

I am sorry for your loss

[RichS]

1 hour ago, JonathanFive said:

I'm just over the two years ago mark in my grief life. I can't call it a grief journey because I'm not going anywhere. I had some counseling, tried two other online grief support groups, but nothing "took."

I might be heading down your path as well. Chris and I were married for 42 years. That's 94 years between the two of us!! It's tough to move forward from that. In thinking about it today, I have to admit that I'm fighting the tendency to think that by moving forward, I'll be leaving her behind. Totally irrational, I know. My grief counselor friend says that I'm doing OK (where I should be at this stage of grieving). OK, if you say so...................

[JonathanFive]

1 minute ago, RichS said:

I have to admit that I'm fighting the tendency to think that by moving forward, I'll be leaving her behind. Totally irrational, I know.

Oops, somehow we quoted me, but I didn't say what you quoted directly above.  I'm only 8 weeks or so into my grief journey.   That being said...  

What if our souls and our our spirits become so intertwined and interconnected with our soulmates, that even though only one of us is left on earth, somehow, in all the great mysteries of the universe, we're still together?   There is no way to prove, or disprove...

[RichS]

Sorry, JonathanFive, Rich had another senior moment. Either that, or I was too quick on the keyboard

5 hours ago, weswej said:

I'm just over the two years ago mark in my grief life.

Welcome to our board! I wish you could have joined this board two years ago; but better late than never. You've come to a great place with lots of fine people. We help each other to get through every day. We can do the same for you. Please continue to post your feelings here.

[Gail 8588]

53 minutes ago, JonathanFive said:

. . .

What if our souls and our our spirits become so intertwined and interconnected with our soulmates, that even though only one of us is left on earth, somehow, in all the great mysteries of the universe, we're still together?  

I was married  to my soulmate  for 38 years.  He has been gone for almost 7 years now. I feel his presence with me every day.  I couldn't  feel him with me when I was so lost in early grief.  But I feel him here with me now, everyday.

It is a great mystery.

[SSC]

6 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

For me, all 7 years have been a solitary journey.  I have family and friends who care about me. They have reached out to me.  I don't  feel abandoned.  It is more, I don't  think they can understand where I am. 

In my first 3 + years of grief, I could not tell them how much pain I was in, because they would have been too worried about me, perhaps even hospitalize me.  I didn't  want that. 

The past 3 + years, I have shared with my family and friends how much better I am. But they still don't  have a clue what a huge void I have in my life.   I think that they think I'm  "over John's  death".  I just let them think that, because it is too hard to explain that I'll  never be over his death. 

This forum is where I feel acknowledged  and accepted.  You all understand.

I was very much the same as you Gail.  However, I am 5 years in and it’s only been this last year that I feel I have a grasp on my life.  I am still a work in progress but I’m definitely doing better.  
 

for me, after the shock and trauma of my husband’s death, I had to process it.  Come to terms with it.  That takes a long time.  It’s such a personal experience that it becomes private.  It’s almost that I didn’t want anyone to enter into that place with me because they could never understand the true pain I felt and that somehow would mean I wasn’t protecting him and our bond, our love.  
 

I also believe in some form of an afterlife.  So for me I don’t believe I am doing anything that will leave my husband behind.  I believe I’m moving forward to meet him again one way or another.  It’s just a matter of time.

[Sar123]

I am very much in this “ private world of grief. “:I went to a comedy club with family tonight. It was entertaining and I laughed a lot, but it wasn’t the same without my husband there. I’m in year two now and family and friends expect me to be pretty much over the grief. I know they care, but they have no way of knowing what it’s like. I get that. Yes, I’m doing better than a year ago, and yes, l’m also still missing him very much especially tonight. So here I sit by myself in this private world of grief. It’s an accurate description. 

14 hours ago, shawnt said:

I am becoming someone new,

Can you describe the difference between the old you and the new you?  When people say they have changed and they’re different now after they have lost their spouse/partner, I wonder what that means exactly. I’m and introvert and shy and that’s never going to change. I have the same sense of humor, same likes and dislikes so I don’t feel like I’ve changed or that I’m someone new. I have an underlying sadness though due to losing my husband, but I’m still me. I do want to grow and maybe how I deal with this profound loss is my life lesson. 

[LMR]

5 hours ago, JonathanFive said:

 

What if our souls and our our spirits become so intertwined and interconnected with our soulmates, that even though only one of us is left on earth, somehow, in all the great mysteries of the universe, we're still together?   There is no way to prove, or disprove...

Like Quantum Entanglement! It's weird but it's proven to be true.

I don't really feel my husband is with me but whenever I recall a memory it feels like there is a elastic band in my stomach that becomes taught and stretches and stretches. Maybe he is on the other end.🙏

[Gail 8588]

2 hours ago, Sar123 said:

. . .

Can you describe the difference between the old you and the new you? 

I am sure it is different for each person and is impacted by where you are in life.  I'm  old, retired and live alone. I was very dependent  upon my husband.  

I have had to build a new me that is more self reliant, because there is only me here to do everything that has to be done.  For the first 3+ years I was gripped by fear of all the possible terrible things that could befall me. It has taken consciousness  effort to shake that chain of fear off and try to move forward. 

In my early years I was very detached from life. Nothing mattered because he would never be here. I didn't  care if I lived or died, whether my car broke down or not, whether laundry got done or my roof leaked, whether our sports teams won or lost or if the world went to hell in a hand basket. Nothing mattered.  

As I became re-engaged with life. Things mattered again, but I do notice that I am less passionate about things than before he died.  I root for my teams again, I am involved in environmental issues again, but I am more subdued in my enthusiasm.  I get the car serviced and house repaired  as needed, because I do want to be able to drive places and to have a dry roof over my head. It matters to me again, as it should. 

I do think I am more empathetic towards other people.  Prior to John's  death I had no idea a person could be in such pain from grief.   Now I think I am kinder and more patient with people, because I know how deeply people can be suffering though they have no obvious signs of trauma. 

I am a pretty different person because my role has changed so much.  I was John's  helper, he was my leader.  Together we were a great team.  I've  had to learn how to direct my own life.  It is not a role I enjoy, but I have no choice.

[KayC]

6 hours ago, SSC said:

I also believe in some form of an afterlife.  So for me I don’t believe I am doing anything that will leave my husband behind.

Yes, I feel the same.  And it's like we're living parallel lives, him where he is, me where I am, but still connected and will be together again.

[DWS]

6 hours ago, Sar123 said:

I’m in year two now and family and friends expect me to be pretty much over the grief. I know they care, but they have no way of knowing what it’s like. I get that. Yes, I’m doing better than a year ago, and yes, l’m also still missing him very much especially tonight. So here I sit by myself in this private world of grief. It’s an accurate description. 

I find it's a very challenging place to be. After a certain amount of time has passed, we do end up carrying our grief but it's in a concealed package because who out there wants to hear our sad story again?! And who of us here wants to hear those words "aren't you over it yet?"

A few days after my partner passed away, my brother-in-law's sister contacted me almost instantly when she heard the news. Her husband had died four years prior. We're both the same age and have known each other since the late 1960s when her brother married my oldest sister. We were both seven years old then but only would see each other at the occasional family get-togethers so we aren't super close. But she knew she needed to contact me...knowing full well the overwhelming nightmare I was in. She came over and we cried together...releasing all of her pain too. She released so much of the grief she had been carrying that was now private and concealed from her older sisters who eventually weren't as interested in her broken heart as they were in the beginning. 

I know that's the way this has to go but sheesh! I have an Aretha Franklin song called "Laughing On The Outside (Crying On The Inside)" and that sorta sums it up. 

[RichS]

4 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

- I have had to build a new me that is more self reliant

- Nothing much matters because she would never be here; whether sports teams win or lose or if the world goes to hell in a hand basket. Not much matters.  

- I became re-engaged with life; but I do notice that I am less passionate about things than before she died. I am more subdued in my enthusiasm.

Gail:  Great explanation of where you've been and how far you've come along over the years. Using your summary of feelings as a checklist, I've extracted the way I feel these days (from your explanations) and summed it above. It's a useful checklist to each of us to look at to see where we stand right now.

[JonathanFive]

Please do not call the mental hospital on me either, but sometimes I can hear him whisper to me, "I'm sorry."

Perhaps I've gone, "totally bonkers."

[Boggled]

12 hours ago, JonathanFive said:

What if our souls and our our spirits become so intertwined and interconnected with our soulmates, that even though only one of us is left on earth, somehow, in all the great mysteries of the universe, we're still together?   There is no way to prove, or disprove...

I think this too!  

23 hours ago, shawnt said:

There is something magical when we find the love of our lives, I was whole. It will never be ok , the loss is permanent and life goes on. Not very hopeful but when I read the history on this site you can hear people become new and even with a huge hole in their heart they continue living; and I find hope in that.

I agree, I WAS whole too, really felt whole in a way I'd never felt before my husband.  Also, it got stronger and better as years passed.  Then when he left this world, the hole left behind was indeed like having half of my "being" suddenly just gone ... and I couldn't face the threat of it for the short time it loomed before us, and when it happened, for months, I had a super-hard time FACING it, couldn't get a grip on it.  Still working on it, pondering, but the terrible PAIN has mostly stopped at this point (20 months now).  and my HEART is where I feel it.

Edited February 4 by Boggled
another sentence

[DWS]

29 minutes ago, Boggled said:

Then when he left this world, the hole left behind was indeed like having half of my "being" suddenly just gone ... and I couldn't face the threat of it for the short time it loomed before us, and when it happened, for months, I had a super-hard time FACING it, couldn't get a grip on it.  Still working on it, pondering, but the terrible PAIN has mostly stopped at this point (20 months now).  and my HEART is where I feel it.

Here is one of the very best pieces that I read and bookmarked about "the hole". (Man, I sure bookmarked a lot of grief-y things over the past couple of years!)

https://themighty.com/topic/grief/coping-with-grief-after-death/

[LMR]

@Gail 8588

Enthusiasm! Yes, that's what's really missing. I might almost enjoy doing something but it doesn't really matter to me if I do it or not. As for being pasdionate about something I know that I will never be passionate about anything ever again.

[JonathanFive]

51 minutes ago, LMR said:

 As for being passionate about something I know that I will never be passionate about anything ever again.

My grammarly autofixed your typo on passionate...

Anyways, this is, "exactly how I feel sometimes"   Now that he's not here with me in the present moment, "what does it matter I do with the rest of my life."  Who cares to travel, who cares to go to rock concerts, who cares to go to nice restaurants?

I say, "sometimes," though because I keep bouncing around from emotion to emotion.   It's all grief too, I have never, "flip-flopped," in thinking and going, "back and forth," so much in my mind during any other point in my life.

[Sar123]

@Gail 8588 Thank you for your explanation. From the way I see it, you have grown, but still carry your grief.  Is this change of who you are or is it growth? I have been learning as I gain new skills with what my husband used to do around the house and yard. My family and friends have told me they were surprised that I’m stronger than they thought I was. Did they think a shy introvert was weak? Did they think I would fall apart? There is a part of me who wants to show them I’m not weak and helpless. Anyway, you give me hope. As I have said before, it’s kind of like learning to walk again with prosthetic legs-it will never feel like it did before when everything was right with the world, but I’ll keep learning and growing as I go along this new path.

2 hours ago, JonathanFive said:

but sometimes I can hear him whisper to me, "I'm sorry."

Perhaps I've gone, "totally bonkers."

I don’t believe you’re gone “totally bonkers.” From what you’ve said in previous posts, you had a deep love and connection with your spouse/soulmate. I think he wants you to know how sorry he is and wants you to know that.

Last winter a couple of months after my husband had passed, I was in the kitchen and the sun was shining when  I heard him say, “it’s really cool over here,” and “I’m good- don’t worry.”  it gave me comfort to think he’s in a good place. So maybe we’re both going bonkers.😊

[SSC]

Jonathan and Sar, it does my heart  good to hear of your “whispers”.  To me these are the positives that lift me up, reaching to my soul and speaking to me of a life beyond this one.  
.

it is so difficult to live without our soulmate that is why I try to look forward now.  Like KayC I think of him living somewhere else, us living parallel lives.  He has only transitioned to a different realm where I cannot reach him but hopefully one day will see him again.  Some days that’s all I wish for.

[weswej]

20 hours ago, JonathanFive said:

I know this isn't much, but I just try and get through the motions of each day believing with all my heart that my lost love wouldn't want me to cry and be so sad.  I cry and am sad regardless, but thinking how much he wouldn't want me to cry, and how he would want me to move forward and be, "ok."   It helps me a little.

I am sorry for your loss

Thank you and everyone else who replied and sent hugs. I'm sorry for the loss to each and every one of you, too. I really feel the connection here. I do try to get through the days and take pleasure in small things. My husband John told me several times during his brief battle with cancer that he wanted me to be happy. It's not that I'm trying not to be happy--if that makes sense--but I just haven't found the way yet. I'm hopeful that someday I'll get there. I know that's the best way of honoring his memory. So glad to have found you all. Thank you, thank you.

[Roxeanne]

On 2/3/2024 at 11:33 PM, Gail 8588 said:

The past 3 + years, I have shared with my family and friends how much better I am. But they still don't  have a clue what a huge void I have in my life.   I think that they think I'm  "over John's  death".  I just let them think that, because it is too hard to explain that I'll  never be over his death. 

Yes we can't be over their death 'cos we had that intimate relationship with another person, we could totally count on someone else, we trust them and they trust us...we broke that wall of that aloneness for some time and we shared our beautiful life together in this journey called life...

So no one can full that void now, no friends not family!

This is why, while i really enjoy my life now , i still have that feeling of strangeness...feel alone in the middle of a hundred of people!

 

[DWS]

3 hours ago, Roxeanne said:

So no one can fill that void now, no friends not family!

This is why, while i really enjoy my life now , i still have that feeling of strangeness...feel alone in the middle of a hundred of people!

Sadly, this is why I still stay isolated from socializing with friends because I'm still not wanting to face the challenge of putting on a happy face...and that's basically what going out with friends is all about. Meeting someone for coffee has been easier because there isn't any pressure of being frivolous and fun and in the past, I loved being that way.

Looking back, I realize that was the highlight, perhaps, even the point of life for me...being at leisure, good times, camaraderie, laughing. Presently, I don't long for it and don't seek it.  It's how others here say that they don't have enthusiasm for much of anything anymore. I hope it comes back. I can't quite picture it but I want it back.

[Sparky1]

3 hours ago, Roxeanne said:

This is why, while i really enjoy my life now , i still have that feeling of strangeness...feel alone in the middle of a hundred of people!

Oh, absolutely the same for me. With my wife, we used to be more social and do more things together. Since she's been gone getting used to the emptiness and loneliness has been hard, but as time has gone on, I actually want to be alone. Yes, social gatherings rarely happen, mostly with family, but I can't stand being there, I can't wait to go back home. My wife's sister passed away just over a week ago, and for a week and a half getting together with family was very tough once again. When the visitation and funeral were over, I was actually glad to be alone again. It's just not easy being in a social group without my wife by my side, I feel half naked. I guess we all get used to the circumstances that are thrown at us.

[DWS]

It really opens your mind to how many of us around the world exist this way as well as the millions upon millions over the years, decades and centuries! It was never one of my favourite Beatles songs but "Eleanor Rigby" is playing in my mind right now...

"Eleanor Rigby picks up the rice in the church where a wedding has been
Lives in a dream
Waits at the window, wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door
Who is it for?"

"Father McKenzie writing the words of a sermon that no one will hear
No one comes near
Look at him working, darning his socks in the night when there's nobody there
What does he care?"

Ugh...we studied this song way back in my public school English class. I want to go back when I didn't know what the hell the song meant. When's recess??

[shawnt]

I think we will carry them with us forever. I can hear her voice in my heart and it makes me act better. ( I also suffer from not giving a **** about much)  I am still a father and brother and friend and I have to care. Her voice reminds me.