Looking at the world through different lens

[Deborah_M]

For two days now I have been dealing with closing bank accounts, the probate court has finally finished with all the paper work.  Yesterday, I went to the lawyer's office picked up all the paper work paid my bill and walked out the door.  That part of my life is over.  Managed to clean up one account, or thought I did until today some problems still need more work.  

Today, started out early to work on more closings,  waiting in the office of a bank with my papers ready to get out as quick as I could, doesn't happen...at least not the way I envisioned it would go.  1 hour just for them to say they will process the paperwork and get back with me.

While I was sitting there I started to notice other people, not only at the bank but at the grocery store and the gas station, just about every where I went today.  What I discovered is that I could pick out other people who let's say my age that were widowed.  Little signs like no right no the left hand to say, "I'm married" or the way they would walk, a little bent over and moving slowly...all of them had a kind of sad face and loss in their own worlds...Not so many men, mostly women.  They walked by themselves as if they where in a world with no one-else around.  I could feel their sadness, and it made me feel sad myself.

The other day, I was at what was called "A Flower Party", that is were the widows from my church get together and make flower arrangement This was my first time going...everyone there seemed ok, some smiling, some laughing, and some like me and one other...putting on a happy face.  After we finished our arrangements, we took a group picture, I wanted one to send to my brother so he could see I was doing ok.  After I got home and looked at the picture, I couldn't sent it.  While I thought I was smiling and looking like I was having a good time, my emotions gave me away.  I saw a women that looked older than she should have with a far off look that was very sad.  

I feel the loneliness creeping in again and along with it the depression.  I'm glad that I'm able to get back up on here after internet difficulties for a month.  I realized this was the only place I find I feel ???....??? (don't even have a word for how I feel here, but better than being alone with my thoughts.  I feel more comfortable here than anywhere else.  OK! This has been a couple of bad days, May tomorrow be better.

[Jemiga70]

Hi @Deborah_M  I'm sorry you've had such lousy days recently.  Me, much the same.  The depression and anxiety have really kicked in, don't know why.  Well - I know why, but . . . the sadness feels much more acute lately.  I too am STILL dealing w paperwork and sick of it all.  This forum has been better for me than private counseling I swear.  Just to be here where I know everyone gets it.  My friends and family care  - and even my counselor - but they don't get it and so there's a disconnect, an insurmountable gulf.  But I know everyone here gets it, in their own way.  Hope your tomorrow is better. Take care,

[KayC]

Deborah, what you wrote really hit home with me.  It feels like no one (besides here) understands.  Not my family, not my church.  Even other widows have family surrounding them, being there for them, not me.  My sisters want to hound me to move.  Easier said than done after 46 years of everyone going off and leaving all their stuff here and me with severely injured hands that cannot physically do it.  No offers, ha!  I made 5 passes yesterday, shoveling snow, each pass takes 1 1/3 hours.  I slept all night last night, no waking up to pee.  Exhausted.  More snow to shovel this morning but it looks to be a light day before hammering again.  

Yesterday my favorite cousin, Dawn, passed.  It's a large family, lots of cousins, so that says a lot.  This one hit me.  She just turned 60, ten years younger than me.  I always looked up to her and admired her.  She was an amazing person, raised kids she didn't birth.  Did anyone thank her?  I love her.  Did I ever tell her?  She was so educated and smart, she worked a good job...she had to give up her dog two months ago as she could no longer walk her.  She didn't tell us.  That breaks my heart.  She had her truck worked on just 12 days before.  How the hell does this happen!  My heart is broken.  One by one, everyone I love is gone.  Yet I live on.  Is that just to torture me?  I'm sorry, I'm not feeling myself today, I'm really down.

And thank you all for listening, I have no one.

[Love Lost]

8 hours ago, KayC said:

Deborah, what you wrote really hit home with me.  It feels like no one (besides here) understands.  Not my family, not my church.  Even other widows have family surrounding them, being there for them, not me.  My sisters want to hound me to move.  Easier said than done after 46 years of everyone going off and leaving all their stuff here and me with severely injured hands that cannot physically do it.  No offers, ha!  I made 5 passes yesterday, shoveling snow, each pass takes 1 1/3 hours.  I slept all night last night, no waking up to pee.  Exhausted.  More snow to shovel this morning but it looks to be a light day before hammering again.  

Yesterday my favorite cousin, Dawn, passed.  It's a large family, lots of cousins, so that says a lot.  This one hit me.  She just turned 60, ten years younger than me.  I always looked up to her and admired her.  She was an amazing person, raised kids she didn't birth.  Did anyone thank her?  I love her.  Did I ever tell her?  She was so educated and smart, she worked a good job...she had to give up her dog two months ago as she could no longer walk her.  She didn't tell us.  That breaks my heart.  She had her truck worked on just 12 days before.  How the hell does this happen!  My heart is broken.  One by one, everyone I love is gone.  Yet I live on.  Is that just to torture me?  I'm sorry, I'm not feeling myself today, I'm really down.

And thank you all for listening, I have no one.

I am new to the forum. I lost my husband unexpectedly in early January then this past week, my best friend's mother, (who was a mother to me) died then I realized my roof was leaking as it I didn't have enough stress! So, I can totally relate to feeling overwhelmed. 

[Love Lost]

6 minutes ago, Sim7079 said:

I feel like this sometimes, just in my own world really, with everything else just moving around me.

Do you have a support system? I have found staying busy with friends and family helps a lot. 

[Love Lost]

6 minutes ago, LostThomas said:

I am so very sorry over your loss and then what came after that has to push someone to the limit.    I lost the love of my life only a month before you and things are still so difficult for me.  Please, come here often even if you can only read and it's too hard to comment.  There are some days I'm here a lot, all day in fact.   Sometimes I only read, other times I do better and write.  But nobody falls through the cracks here.   That matters to everyone who will understand how you feel.   This is complicated as I know you already are feeling.   Just come here.   Sometimes reading can be difficult because there is a lot of urgency here.  But I've learned, and others have as well, that you will soon realize that the empathy you receive from people here will make you feel less alone.   It's going to take all of us, for as long as it takes, to cope with all this.   I'm glad you are here.   I cannot imagine where I would be now were it not for people here.  Stay close.   Day or night, whatever it takes.   That's the way I view people here.  

What a heartfelt welcoming. Thank you, LostThomas. I am sorry for your loss. I see you and your life partner were together for 12 years. I found my late husband later in life but we were together for 15 years.  I am grateful for 15 years of love, laughter and the  true partnership I found with him. I try to focus on all of that when I am  feeling low. 

[Deborah_M]

10 hours ago, KayC said:

Deborah, what you wrote really hit home with me.  It feels like no one (besides here) understands.  Not my family, not my church.  Even other widows have family surrounding them, being there for them, not me.  My sisters want to hound me to move.  Easier said than done after 46 years of everyone going off and leaving all their stuff here and me with severely injured hands that cannot physically do it.  No offers, ha!  I made 5 passes yesterday, shoveling snow, each pass takes 1 1/3 hours.  I slept all night last night, no waking up to pee.  Exhausted.  More snow to shovel this morning but it looks to be a light day before hammering again.  

Yesterday my favorite cousin, Dawn, passed.  It's a large family, lots of cousins, so that says a lot.  This one hit me.  She just turned 60, ten years younger than me.  I always looked up to her and admired her.  She was an amazing person, raised kids she didn't birth.  Did anyone thank her?  I love her.  Did I ever tell her?  She was so educated and smart, she worked a good job...she had to give up her dog two months ago as she could no longer walk her.  She didn't tell us.  That breaks my heart.  She had her truck worked on just 12 days before.  How the hell does this happen!  My heart is broken.  One by one, everyone I love is gone.  Yet I live on.  Is that just to torture me?  I'm sorry, I'm not feeling myself today, I'm really down.

And thank you all for listening, I have no one.

KayC:  so sorry for your loss, there are no words I can say to you right now that would make you feel better,  I do understand.  I want you to know, You R NOT Alone.  You have us as your family.  I'm sorry there is no one there to help you.  I don't know how you do it.  I am also 70...I have started wearing a back brace to help with the pain.  We are not spring chickens any more, but we still have a good mine and will power, right?  I have decided to try an take better care of me, and if I can't get help...I'll either let it go or figure out how to fix it.  My brother lives in Colorado and they have had a lot of snow and shoveling of snow.  I worry about him but he said he feels fine and will do it as long as he can.  When you're feeling down you can either come here and tell all of us or send me a DM, we can have ....I would say "Girl Talk", but I prefer "Old Lady Talk" now.  got to keep the humor in it somewhere or we will all go crazy.  

Remember, you give a lot here to others, I for one do not like to see you so unhappy.  Please take care of yourself, You are in my prayers.  wish there was more I could do.  God Bless, ~ Deborah

[Deborah_M]

2 hours ago, Love Lost said:

Do you have a support system? I have found staying busy with friends and family helps a lot. 

I lost my husband in oct of 22, at first I was to busy with funeral and paperwork that I didn't have time to think about a support group, My brother and my only son where here to help me with the impact of his death.  After everyone went home and I was here alone that is when it really hit me.  I have two dogs and they took over the role and taking care of me,  I was so close to the edge of throwing in the towel.  I found this website first, then I started going to a local church that was just 5 minutes away from me, luckily this church had a good program for widows/widowers.  I started going to the church to check them out.  The people I meet there knew how bad I was and they kept me close, inviting me to different functions, trying out different Sunday school classes.  So now I have like-minded people to talk too.  That's about all I can handle for now.  I still get depressed, the weekends seem to be the worst for me, but with spring  coming I can get out and work in the yard.  There is so much to do here.  At some point I have to start letting my husband's things go.  It's been 4 1/2 months and I can't bring myself to dispose of his things yet, but I know there is a time coming for that.  The best advice I got from someone, was to take one day at a time...some days I manage to do more that I thought I could and other days...I set at the computer and keep my mind occupied for hours, just to not have to think.

I have no family here close but I'm trying very hard to make new friends. and remember that I'm still alive...I should act that way...it's a slow process and maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and have a complete turn-around, and it will be a depressing day filled with sadness...that's just the way it goes for me.  Keep coming here.  Keep looking for more options, and learn From what does and does not work for you.  I find myself reading other people's post and thinking about how we are so much alike in our grief .  We will help you along the way.  Take Care, ~Deborah

[Deborah_M]

12 hours ago, LostThomas said:

Hello Deborah.  I was getting concerned about not seeing you here.   Please try to come more often.  You don't have to come with news of good days or bad days, just come.   Perhaps it's selfish of me in a way, but it makes me so nervous when someone disappears, even for more than a day.   Kay is out there in the middle of the forest up to her chin in snow.  But I hang on every single day until she faithfully makes her way to comfort all of us despite her own struggles.  It makes me cry even typing that.   I am struggling so much and it's so hard to tame my mind.   But whenever someone seems to withdraw, and many times it's probably my own mind just running wild and not being fair, it feels like the very sadness you describe is a dark tarp settling over us to drown out all the rays of light and hope.   So many of us need the presence of everyone just to find that precious sense of reassurance that we are not alone in this pain.   What you've written here is that essential grasp at a reality so many of us feel and witness just like you have.   I know now, I won't be able to go anywhere without seeing the magnitude of that pain, so that I can do my small part to ease it.   Being empathetic makes me feel human.   I cannot walk in a darkness that torments.     It doesn't matter to me if someone says the same thing day after day after day, as long as they are here, saying it so that I can listen.  There are so many people here that are literally keeping me alive with their presence.  I don't think I'm alone in that.  Nobody can fall through the cracks.   We have to listen...we have to.

Yes, this is absolutely the truth.

Thank You LostThomas: I'll try to be here more often.

[KayC]

14 hours ago, Love Lost said:

I am new to the forum. I lost my husband unexpectedly in early January then this past week, my best friend's mother, (who was a mother to me) died then I realized my roof was leaking as it I didn't have enough stress! So, I can totally relate to feeling overwhelmed. 

I am so sorry!  It seems when it rains, it pours, life!  One thing at a time...can you have someone tarp it until you can have someone look at it?  It may just need a repair or patch and not the whole roof replaced.  Deep breaths.

12 hours ago, Deborah_M said:

I prefer "Old Lady Talk" now.  got to keep the humor in it somewhere or we will all go crazy.  

I love it!  Speaking of old lady talk, seriously...my former SIL is hounding me on the phone, called 21 times in five days, seven time another day, I can't handle it!  I can't get her to respect my boundaries, she calls after I've gone to bed and in the evening when I'm cuddling with Kodie, I value that time!  Have had to resort to taking my phone off the hook as I blocked her but it still rings in once and just knowing she's trying again is enough to upset me.  It's a serious problem, with her hounding me when I'm spending up to seven hours in a given day shoveling snow (stretched out over 16 hours time).  WTH!  I used to let her talk 1 1/2 hours once a week, but even that wasn't enough to satisfy her.  She is off her rocker, totally unhinged.

12 hours ago, Deborah_M said:

Remember, you give a lot here to others, I for one do not like to see you so unhappy.  Please take care of yourself, You are in my prayers.  wish there was more I could do.  God Bless, ~ Deborah

Thank you.  I love this place and these people, you are my family, quite honestly.

12 hours ago, Deborah_M said:

remember that I'm still alive...I should act that way...it's a slow process and maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and have a complete turn-around, and it will be a depressing day filled with sadness...that's just the way it goes for me.

Yes, I think that's how it is for all of us, we have our ups and downs and ride the waves...and you know what?  It's okay, I've learned to feel them, and then let tomorrow be a new day, well hopefully, if I'm not shoveling too much!  But basically I keep going and defy anyone to tell my brain otherwise.

 

12 hours ago, Deborah_M said:

The best advice I got from someone, was to take one day at a time

That may have been me because I was given that in the beginning of my journey and it saved me so much anxiety!  I include it in my tips article.  One day is all I can handle, to look back invites depression and to look forward invites anxiety, so I stay in today, it's all I can do to handle today.  And it's biblical!  “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

[Love Lost]

2 minutes ago, KayC said:

I am so sorry!  It seems when it rains, it pours, life!  One thing at a time...can you have someone tarp it until you can have someone look at it?  It may just need a repair or patch and not the whole roof replaced.  Deep breaths.

I love it!  Speaking of old lady talk, seriously...my former SIL is hounding me on the phone, called 21 times in five days, seven time another day, I can't handle it!  I can't get her to respect my boundaries, she calls after I've gone to bed and in the evening when I'm cuddling with Kodie, I value that time!  Have had to resort to taking my phone off the hook as I blocked her but it still rings in once and just knowing she's trying again is enough to upset me.  It's a serious problem, with her hounding me when I'm spending up to seven hours in a given day shoveling snow (stretched out over 16 hours time).  WTH!  I used to let her talk 1 1/2 hours once a week, but even that wasn't enough to satisfy her.  She is off her rocker, totally unhinged.

Thank you.  I love this place and these people, you are my family, quite honestly.

Yes, I think that's how it is for all of us, we have our ups and downs and ride the waves...and you know what?  It's okay, I've learned to feel them, and then let tomorrow be a new day, well hopefully, if I'm not shoveling too much!  But basically I keep going and defy anyone to tell my brain otherwise.

 

That may have been me because I was given that in the beginning of my journey and it saved me so much anxiety!  I include it in my tips article.  One day is all I can handle, to look back invites depression and to look forward invites anxiety, so I stay in today, it's all I can do to handle today.  And it's biblical!  “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

Oh yes, already had a temporary patch completed by a roofer friend and have a list of local roofing companies to call for a complete new roof.  I am not one to let moss grow on a problem just bad timing..... and yes,  when it rains it pours. 

[Boggled]

17 hours ago, Deborah_M said:

So now I have like-minded people to talk too.  That's about all I can handle for now.  I still get depressed, the weekends seem to be the worst for me, but with spring  coming I can get out and work in the yard.  There is so much to do here.  At some point I have to start letting my husband's things go.  It's been 4 1/2 months and I can't bring myself to dispose of his things yet, but I know there is a time coming for that.

For me, it's pretty much the opposite.  I've been alone except for calling up and re-establishing a connection with one woman friend, since my husband died.  I didn't have a funeral;  all my family lives hundreds of miles away.  My two sons did visit, twice.  But the day he died I was alone in the room with him, and stayed there for an unknown amount of time until it just suddenly hit me that I wanted to go.  Getting out of the hospital late at night was a nightmare of its own, finding my way alone to our empty car across what seemed acres of empty parking lot, driving home without him in the car for the first time in years and years, another horror.  Then arriving at the empty house and SCREAMING into the dark empty hall!  The one neighbor who lives nearby that we were close to came over the next day with his girlfriend, who gave me a hug.  That hug meant SO MUCH.  Then days and days and days, and weeks, and months, of solitude and crying, all alone in the empty house that used to be so comfortable and friendly.  I started out thinking "I'll get back to healthy, I'll do yoga;  bought a set of yoga DVDs.  I did one of them ONCE.  I bought a new bicycle.  But I thought as I tried riding it and it skidded on our gravel road, "what if I get thrown off and hurt?  Nobody to help!"  I bought a kayak and talked to a man and his wife my husband and I had met at a doctor office, and went kayaking with them twice last summer.  But the man was super-helpful and his wife must have been jealous?  so she didn't seem to like me much that second time, and I quit calling them, and they have never called me back.  What struck me recently when my friend met me and we went shopping in a discount store, was that IT DIDN'T HELP!  It had seemed to me that being around people, other human beings, would be a good thing.  But I found myself staring at some marked-down wreaths and cheap marked-down fixtures against a back wall of the store and sobbing quietly to myself .   And walking over to some big bins full of marked-down pillows and just standing there, just standing there, just ... standing there.  Do I want a pillow for meditating?  not really.  But it was nice, just ... standing there quietly and staring at the pillows! I guess, thinking back, what I was doing was "accepting" that I was alone in a store!  Just that!  Peacefully.  Though my friend was somewhere in the store too.  But it was the "me, I'm here" just quietly recognizing ... I'm HERE.  This is where I am now.  It was a peaceful quiet way of being ... in a public place ... alone.

So just being around people is okay, but not really actually helpful for feeling better.  It's more like you have to do these "existential recognitions." 

Like you-all are saying, it IS helpful that you-all understand this grieving.   And Deborah M, reading what you said about having your husband's things and having to let them go, made me cry, because it seems I am trying to hang on to him ... and don't want to let his things go yet, either.  In Joan Didion's The Year of Magical Thinking, she mentioned that ... she was hanging on to her husband's clothes, for when he came back!  Magical thinking ... yeah I suppose.  I don't WANT some counsellor to tell me I'm thinking magically though.  I KNOW that.  I have to get over it MYSELF.  and little by little I at least am getting used to "it."  

[Deborah_M]

19 minutes ago, Boggled said:

Like you-all are saying, it IS helpful that you-all understand this grieving.   And Deborah M, reading what you said about having your husband's things and having to let them go, made me cry, because it seems I am trying to hang on to him ... and don't want to let his things go yet, either.  In Joan Didion's The Year of Magical Thinking, she mentioned that ... she was hanging on to her husband's clothes, for when he came back!  Magical thinking ... yeah I suppose.  I don't WANT some counsellor to tell me I'm thinking magically though.  I KNOW that.  I have to get over it MYSELF.  and little by little I at least am getting used to "it."  

It's ok if you hang on to him. Everyone of us is doing the same thing.  Last night I was standing in my kitchen and an over whelming sense that he was there with me came over me, stronger than any I had had before. It was so strong that I felt if I turned around I would see him.  When I felt his presence I talked to him out loud.  This time, it was as if he was telling me he would always be there with me and when it came time of me to go he would be there to take me home.  I can't tell you how at peace I felt.  

My Sister in-law said he visits her in her dreams.  I don't dream of him, wish I did.  I don't know where I'm going with this just to say  what you are feeling and thinking is Not magical thinking, it's real to you. Try to be comfortable in how you are processing your grief, it is right for you. There is no right or wrong, we are unique individuals  with much in common who come here to share and understand what we are going through.  We help each other.  God bless, we are your family.  ~ Deborah

[Love Lost]

6 minutes ago, LostThomas said:

When it comes to what to do with the belongings of a lost love one, I was struggling with that question early and thank God I got Kay's list.   In it she said take a year, 10 years or never.   That was real wisdom because I could easily have made such a tragic mistake.   I backed off immediately and I have not allowed my surroundings to erase the presence of the love of my life.   Her fingerprints are everywhere.   I like having some of her clothes in my closet, and I have retained a lot of things she liked or bought for us.   I was extremely careful with some things I did give to charity that we probably would have given away after Christmas like we did every year.  But if I had parted with some things I frankly do not need, it would have significantly deepened the loss.  Kay's advice there was one of the best pieces of advice I will always pass along when I encounter someone also facing this decision.   For me the answer was easy...do NOT do it, especially if you are a man.  Guys, do not do it for a long time.  It will set you back, in my opinion and leave you with an unnecessary emptiness.

My husband and I are collector's of hats. At his very private celebration of life I handed out his hats to our loved ones. I kept his favorite ball cap and fishing hat. Now, our loved ones send me photos of them wearing his hats at the beach, fishing or while they are traveling. It makes me smile and brings me joy. He would love it because they loved him.

[Deborah_M]

5 minutes ago, LostThomas said:

When it comes to what to do with the belongings of a lost love one, I was struggling with that question early and thank God I got Kay's list.   In it she said take a year, 10 years or never.   That was real wisdom because I could easily have made such a tragic mistake.   I backed off immediately and I have not allowed my surroundings to erase the presence of the love of my life.   Her fingerprints are everywhere.   I like having some of her clothes in my closet, and I have retained a lot of things she liked or bought for us.   I was extremely careful with some things I did give to charity that we probably would have given away after Christmas like we did every year.  But if I had parted with some things I frankly do not need, it would have significantly deepened the loss.  Kay's advice there was one of the best pieces of advice I will always pass along when I encounter someone also facing this decision.   For me the answer was easy...do NOT do it, especially if you are a man.  Guys, do not do it for a long time.  It will set you back, in my opinion and leave you with an unnecessary emptiness.

I understand what you are saying LostThomas:  everything in this house is the same as the day he left this world, with the few exceptions of keeping the dust down and clean.  Our bedroom is closed and I can't bring myself to go in there, He died in the living room in the recliner I purchase two weeks before his passing.  I can't sit in that chair...I still see him there.  Valuables are placed in the safe so they don't mysteriously disappear.  I go out and start up his truck to keep the fluids circulating.  When the time is right items will either be sold, given away to loved ones or kept for myself whether it be 1 year, 10 years or never.  Right now, it's never.   You are right about the unnecessary emptiness.  When my brother came down to help me right after my husband's passing, he talked me into selling his tractor that didn't run and would cost more to repair than what I could get for it...at the time I needed extra cash and I agreed, but if I could go back and undo that decision, I would.  Your advice and Kay's is right on.

[AJ4]

I totally get what you are saying about the snow.  It's really no joke when there is no one else around to do it but you.   I know a lot of people have to get mechanical assistance, pay someone to plow, buy a snowblower,  or even move south because the snow just overwhelms.  When it dumps on you and you have to rely on just you- well, it can wreck your body.   I'm thinking about buying a snow blower right now.  I just don't know if it will be enough, and I've never used one so I'd have to learn about it- I'm not really a machinery person.  

It's really funny (tragic funny) when my friend says I can come borrow her snowblower anytime.   well, if I could get my car out of the driveway then I don't need a snowblower anymore because I've cleared the driveway enough to get my car out.   My neighbor plowed it once this winter and the rest of the time it's me and two kids with shovels... however I'm thinking about the future when the kids are going to move away.  

I went to Lowe's today to look at doors (my storm door fell off) and it was like a kick in the gut remembering the last time I was shopping there when my husband was with me and we were looking at stuff to fix up the porch railings.  That was his last home improvement project. 
I didn't buy a door, but now I know what I'm looking at for choices.  I have a friend who may be able to install, but he's not around that much.  

[Jemiga70]

12 hours ago, LostThomas said:

Guys, do not do it for a long time.  It will set you back, in my opinion and leave you with an unnecessary emptiness.

I hear you on this one, Thomas.  We do not need unnecessary emptiness do we.  My wife and I lived overseas for more than a decade.  We were nomads, renters.  We didnt own a house of our own, so there's no feeling of familiar 4 walls for years and years that I know many of the members here are dealing with.  But we did have - still do have - household goods that I shipped back when I moved back to N.America, that have meaning for me.  I donated 90% of her clothing before I moved (those items without emotional attachment)  BUT I made sure to hang on to those pieces of her clothes that DID have significance for me.  I'm so very happy I did.   In the shipping boxes at my parents' house where I'm living for now are our household goods (bowls, furniture, textiles, stuff we bought overseas)  that I am hoping will bring me comfort at some point down the road rather than a feeling of absence.  In the meanwhile I'm not touching them. It can wait.

[KayC]

17 hours ago, Boggled said:

It's more like you have to do these "existential recognitions."

You seem very self-aware and that aids you tremendously in your grief journey...your post struck home with me, of all the things I went through, experienced, discovered, early on, only you seemed to go through it more gracefully.  I lost ALL our friends immediately after George died.  All of them. Every one.  I made a new friend and we enjoyed each other's company for ten years before she moved to TX to remarry.  We could talk to each other about anything.  It's been nearly eight years and I miss her still, never found another even close to being like her.  I'm on my own.  It took me being conned in my early grief journey to wake up and smell the coffee.  I am embarrassed to tell of it but will if it helps anyone avoid that pit...he was good at it and used my credit for $57,000 which will cost three times that much by the time it's paid back.  I'm 70 and it'll take me until I'm 80. I don't have that long, it's getting harder and harder to stay here, yet I want to. I've lived here 46 years, my Kodie (dog) loves it here!  The nature, I love the peace it brings, even though shoveling snow is so hard on me.   I'm surviving, getting by, little by little, one day at a time.  It's hard though, my kids don't call, and I miss visiting with my neighbors after their dog bit me.  Just that once a week connection helped.  And my other neighbor, Mike, passed away a month ago, we used to visit every day while our dogs played.  Now I sit outside in the cold, alone, and watch them play.

One day at a time.

17 hours ago, Deborah_M said:

It's ok if you hang on to him. Everyone of us is doing the same thing.

Yes.  I will love my George until the day I die, the only man that ever loved me and got me and I him.  I talk to him inside my head, not a day goes by.  My best friend, through all time.  Soulmates.

[KayC]

17 hours ago, Love Lost said:

I kept his favorite ball cap and fishing hat.

I kept my husband's fishing hat, it took me nine years to give it to his best friend...a tear trickled down his face when I gave it to him.  He clutched it to his heart and said, "My Buddy."  I always knew I'd give it to him, it just took me that long to let it go.

 

8 hours ago, AJ4 said:

It's really funny (tragic funny) when my friend says I can come borrow her snowblower anytime.   well, if I could get my car out of the driveway then I don't need a snowblower anymore because I've cleared the driveway enough to get my car out.

Oh do I relate to this!  Sometimes people's "offers" of help really aren't.

[KayC]

3 hours ago, Sim7079 said:

Everything is generally in the same place my husband left it.

I still can't bear to go into his shop.  Now the floor has rotted, mice have overrun it in spite of electronic traps and poison they must like because they've gone through enough of it...it's a shambles.  Just sitting there.  It's even more painful to go out there.

[Boggled]

Okay folk, I'm quoting my self here, this is little ole introverted "me" just pondering away ...

"It had seemed to me that being around people, other human beings, would be a good thing.  But I found myself staring at some marked-down wreaths and cheap marked-down fixtures against a back wall of the store and sobbing quietly to myself .   And walking over to some big bins full of marked-down pillows and just standing there, just standing there, just ... standing there.  Do I want a pillow for meditating?  not really.  But it was nice, just ... standing there quietly and staring at the pillows! I guess, thinking back, what I was doing was "accepting" that I was alone in a store!  Just that!  Peacefully.  Though my friend was somewhere in the store too.  But it was the "me, I'm here" just quietly recognizing ... I'm HERE.  This is where I am now.  It was a peaceful quiet way of being ... in a public place ... alone.

"So just being around people is okay, but not really actually helpful for feeling better.  It's more like you have to do these "existential recognitions." "

-----------------

This Kubler-Ross "steps" thing is now an old and not-very-correct idea now, but I do RECOGNIZE that in a way, I have been in "denial," since at the start of this grieving, the night my husband DEPARTED his body, the very idea that HE IS NOT GOING TO COME BACK IN HIS BODY was like a white-hot coal, untouchable!  Now though, I was actually able to type that, though it is hard.  It's been 9 months for me.   I think I am just coming out of "denial."  Of COURSE I knew from that first night that he "died."  You can know things intellectually but find them emotionally un-available because they are just toooooo painful.  

It could be that I've been very very gentle with myself, or it could be that it has been impossible! for me emotionally to really touch on that recognition (I do like the word "recogition" better than "acceptance!"  Both of these possibilities on "how to handle "it" " are true I THINK.  

I said "it was nice just standing there looking at the pillows," and yes, I'm being self-aware here, and that "nice" part is really important.  I THINK.  That discount store is a huge, echoing, tall pole building , only moderately lighted, and with very few people in it at a time.  Me standing there, about in the middle of it, in front of a 4-1/2' tall cardboard bin of discounted pillows (I'm LAUGHING as I type this) and just leaning slightly with my arms on top of the huge cardboard box, (I'm LAUGHING again!) was like ... communing with the universe (laughing again), my soul stretching out through the vast building (laughing again) and RECOGNIZING (preferred over "accepting!") ... what?  PEACE?  a sort of acceptable quietness in the midst of ineffable sadness (crying now) that gave peace to my soul.  

Yeah, I'm examining myself here ... bear with me people, it COULD be that this might be okay for others to read, too.    I can also reach back in memory and remember this feeling, integrate it into my personal world view!  such massive words for such a small happening!  silly but TRUE.  

[KayC]

23 minutes ago, Boggled said:

This Kubler-Ross "steps" thing is now an old and not-very-correct idea

The Five Stages of Grief debunked
It’s Time to Let the Five Stages of Grief Die | Office for Science and Society - McGill University
The 5 Stages of Grief debunked

25 minutes ago, Boggled said:

I do like the word "recogition" better than "acceptance!"

I have often said the same.

[DWS]

1 hour ago, Boggled said:

It's been 9 months for me.   I think I am just coming out of "denial."  Of COURSE I knew from that first night that he "died."  You can know things intellectually but find them emotionally un-available because they are just toooooo painful.  

If there's one thing that is helpful through this, it's our own mighty introspection and self-awareness. I recall quite vividly when I hit that "out-of-denial" moment last year. Mine happened about three months after my partner Tom passed away. Up to that point, I was very much grieving...a hot mess actually...but then the total awareness that he wasn't coming back to me ever, literally, knocked me to my knees. I could physically feel that my sobbing became much more intense and deeper.  I still look back at the early days and wonder what exactly was I grieving if it wasn't his death! I think that his blatant absence came into full recognition at that three month mark. And yet just a few days ago, I, again, hit that "truth" with it being the one year mark...finding myself crying and shouting that he's never coming back. 

I think there's a part of us that wants to "be" stronger. Our culture and upbringing likely did that. We want to appear that we can handle this. We've heard all the stories of how some grievers managed to not only pick themselves up but do miraculous things to commemorate their lost person. Perhaps we want to be that heroic....and maybe, eventually, we can to a certain degree. But right now, this loss is all to do with love and continually living with their absence. 

[Deborah_M]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

One day at a time.

Yes.  I will love my George until the day I die, the only man that ever loved me and got me and I him.  I talk to him inside my head, not a day goes by.  My best friend, through all time.  Soulmates.

KayC:  My heart breaks for you...Your words hit home for me.  Like you, I live In the country...alone except for my dogs.  Kids never visit, too busy.  If it wasn't for my brother (Mike) my days would be almost unbearable.  He is dealing with cancer and I worry about him, he lives too far away to go visit.  I have not been faced with a "Con Artist" but your warning is filed away in my head.  I am not a real trusting person, you have to prove yourself to me first.  Learned that over the years.  Like you, My husband loved me and I loved him...I really don't think any one could measure up to him.  I'm ok with that, I accept it...Like you...I will see him again.  I pray every day it will come sooner than later.  I can hardly bear this world, but do so because of other family members in my life...if it wasn't for them, the decision to leave would be very easy.  There is not much in this world for me, but will go on until God calls me home.  I for one get what you are going through.   So sorry, but just remember....the next life with your George will be a happy one.  ~ Deborah

[KayC]

18 hours ago, Deborah_M said:

just remember....the next life with your George will be a happy one.

Sometimes we get so caught up in this world we tend to think in the here and now and forget this...so I am gladly reminded of this, thank you..

[AJ4]

@Boggled  I feel like my denial faded in and out frequently..  one moment I knew and the next moment I was throwing up my hands and thinking "Enough already, just come home now, I can't take this missing you anymore".  Like he had just gone on an extended trip.  Even my dreams reflected this thinking, just last month I dreamed he had left me and I was trying to convince him to come back.   It's kind of a knowing but not accepting, because for one, we had been together so long, and also because it was just too hard.  I guess it is comforting to know that this sort of thing happens with many, if not most, people.  

[Boggled]

On 3/1/2023 at 6:40 PM, Deborah_M said:

the weekends seem to be the worst for me, but with spring  coming I can get out and work in the yard.

I have gotten used to being alone.  Working in the yard, for me, means planting vegetable seeds in the vegetable garden plots my son and his family helped to clear last fall.  Thank goodness!  Last summer I just gave up on the garden and it was taken over by arugula.  Which went to seed in the hot, dry droughty weather we had last summer.  That was the first time I EVER just left the garden completely alone;  all the tomatos and peppers just died in the drought, and I didn't care one bit;  I was, well, completely given over to grieving and extreme terrible sorrow.  My sons helped me in the fall, though, to clear out the garden plots and help start a new one next to the house.  Over this past winter, with little else to do, I went out and started digging in the dirt  in the new garden plot, shaped it into "hugelkultur beds" with old rotten firewood under the big piles of dirt.  And now, with my lone life doing little enough, I do look forward to growing more vegetables in the old and new plots.

One interesting thing, a shoot from one of the tomato plants I had started in the house in winter of 2021, broke off onto the deck before my husband died, and I just picked it up and stuck it in a glass of water and left it out there.  It rooted in the water, and maybe two months after my husband died, I just threw a little dirt into the water, then a little more dirt, and eventually it was thriving in that glass, so I transplanted it into one of those big quart yogurt containers, it thrived, I bought some big pots on sale (at the time), transplanted the rooted tomato into one of them;  it grew huge and set a bunch of tomatoes;  and as the cold weather came on, brought it into the house and left it near a sunny window.  All winter, whenever I would open the curtains to let the sun in, that tomato plant soaked up the sun;  I ate all its tomatoes!  and it's STILL alive today.  It's a "mortgage buster" tomato;  I'm hoping I can take shoots off of it to root to start and grow for this year.  

I hope you are able to get out and do some yard stuff;   me, I would recommend a veggie garden.  But just getting out into the fresh air and doing "yard work" is at least SOMEthing.  

[Boggled]

22 hours ago, DWS said:

If there's one thing that is helpful through this, it's our own mighty introspection and self-awareness. I recall quite vividly when I hit that "out-of-denial" moment last year. Mine happened about three months after my partner Tom passed away. Up to that point, I was very much grieving...a hot mess actually...but then the total awareness that he wasn't coming back to me ever, literally, knocked me to my knees. I could physically feel that my sobbing became much more intense and deeper.  I still look back at the early days and wonder what exactly was I grieving if it wasn't his death! I think that his blatant absence came into full recognition at that three month mark. And yet just a few days ago, I, again, hit that "truth" with it being the one year mark...finding myself crying and shouting that he's never coming back. 

I think there's a part of us that wants to "be" stronger. Our culture and upbringing likely did that. We want to appear that we can handle this. We've heard all the stories of how some grievers managed to not only pick themselves up but do miraculous things to commemorate their lost person. Perhaps we want to be that heroic....and maybe, eventually, we can to a certain degree. But right now, this loss is all to do with love and continually living with their absence. 

DWS, crying and shouting that he's never coming back;  I haven't done THAT yet.  It's more like I CAN at this point, just touch on this super-painful "recognition," (not "acceptance!") that his spirit DEPARTED, his body was CREMATED, he is ELSEWHERE now, and I still believe that his spirit is here, at least sometimes.  Yesterday I stuck a new battery into one of our carry-around phones and had to closely examine the phone on which the buttons had stopped working.  I've mentioned the light over our dining room table that blinks sometimes;  I was talking to my husband as I struggled to get the darned back of the phone open, "why did you do this?" because he'd unplugged a couple of our old phones ... the light BLINKED.  

Right now I'm reading a book called From Birth to Rebirth, Gnostic Healing for the 21st Century, by C. V. Tramont, M.D.  This "Gnostic" idea has interested me in the past couple of months;  there were some books that did not make it into the Bible, and one called "Gospel of Thomas" was discovered at Nag Hammadi in the 1940s;  the idea is that Jesus taught his disciples things that did not make it into the Bible and were believed and carried on by "Gnostics" over the centuries;  I'm not sure because I haven't read Gospel of Thomas or other Gnostic books yet, but I THINK there is mention of afterlife in this "Gnostic Tradition."  Which was discouraged by Rome as I'm trying to figure out, way back around year 500 A.D.   And I have quite strongly come to believe there IS an afterlife;  we ARE "spirits having a bodily experience," reincarnation is REAL, but how it works?  Will have to wait and see, and no, I do want to "carry on!"  however that can be done;  another thing I've read in trying to deal with this terrible horrible pain, in The Brain's Way of Healing by Norman Doidge, M.D., is that the amygdala is the part of the brain that handles emotional PAIN, and one of the other things handled by the amydala is the sense of SMELL.  Dr. Doidge stopped his "chronic pain" by focusing on the OTHER things handled by the parts of the brain that handle pain, and using the OTHER things to stop the brain from focusing on the pain.  Well, this grieving is "emotional pain!"  I decided on incense for the sense of smell ... over the centuries, people have used incense in "spiritual practice;"  there are various sites online that discuss what the various incenses are used for, so ... all I can say at this point is, IF you use a charcoal disk to burn resin incense, start it outside? ... it's supposed to reach being covered in white ash before you add your resin ... don't add too much resin ... and be aware that if your smoke alarm goes off, you will have to carry your burning incense outside and turn on fans!  (don't ask me how I know!)   ...  but since I burned enough Frankincense resin to "incense" my entire house, I did have an EXCELLENT night's sleep and will do this again, more cautiously though!

[Boggled]

2 hours ago, AJ4 said:

I feel like my denial faded in and out frequently..  one moment I knew and the next moment I was throwing up my hands and thinking "Enough already, just come home now, I can't take this missing you anymore".  Like he had just gone on an extended trip.  Even my dreams reflected this thinking, just last month I dreamed he had left me and I was trying to convince him to come back.   It's kind of a knowing but not accepting, because for one, we had been together so long, and also because it was just too hard.  I guess it is comforting to know that this sort of thing happens with many, if not most, people.  

Seems like our brains do this self-protective thing, protecting us from the pain by refusing to recognize the recognition that is the source of the pain.  The Grieving Brain discusses it  and that our brains are highly aware of where our loved ones are, and just don't seem able to recognize when a loved one "disappears."  https://www.amazon.com/Grieving-Brain-Surprising-Science-Learn/dp/0062946242/ref=sr_1_1?crid=9FPWF1K5OTA8&keywords=the+grieving+brain&qid=1677943527&s=books&sprefix=the+grieving+brain%2Cstripbooks%2C179&sr=1-1

 

[Jemiga70]

On 3/4/2023 at 9:04 AM, Boggled said:

It's more like I CAN at this point, just touch on this super-painful "recognition," (not "acceptance!") that his spirit DEPARTED, his body was CREMATED, he is ELSEWHERE now, and I still believe that his spirit is here, at least sometimes. 

Recognition rather than acceptance, yes.   What you wrote, I am mostly here  22 months out.  There are days when doubt creeps in. Those are the days of bad dreams, depression and anxiety, of self-blame and regret.

Today I got a black crow's feather on my long walk.  This has personal meaning.  Wasn't thinking of it, wasn't hoping for it; it just showed up at exactly the right time.  I've done dozens of long walks the last 5 months and never seen another feather...

 

On 3/4/2023 at 9:04 AM, Boggled said:

the amygdala is the part of the brain that handles emotional PAIN, and one of the other things handled by the amydala is the sense of SMELL.

Interesting.  I've been using an essential oil burner the last few weeks for several hrs / day.  Too early to say if it's helping.

[Boggled]

Whatever an essential oil burner is, there are "wax melters" online that can be used to release the scent of resin incense without charcoal, as I finally found out when I searched.  I ordered tealight candles and when they come in, I'm going to try that method.  The charcoal disks smell like charcoal, and I don't want that. There are videos online about burning resin incense without charcoal, and one site even shows how to make a "wax burner" out of a pop can. 

I think there's a lot to this idea of "neuroplasticity," as in the Norman Doidge book.   Basic idea seems to be that when you use the neurons in a pathway, they form a stronger pathway in the brain, which as he described it, happens with "chronic pain," when even after the body has healed some bodily pain, the neural pathway continues and causes a "phantom pain" to be felt until that neural pathway gets interrupted for long enough ... and the way to interrupt it is to do some other thing that that part of the brain is set up to do.  

I'm reading  When Grief Calls Forth the Healing, by Mary Rockefeller Morgan, in which she has lost her twin years before, and finally RECOGNIZES that she is still looking for her twin in her relationships with men, and that her grief over the loss had never been recognized even by herself!   She finally goes on a "vision quest" in Colorado and uses IMAGERY in the vision quest to "fix" her mind.  "fix" is a very general word, and whether it worked or not I'm not sure (haven't finished the book!), but she became a psychotherapist and "certified imagery guide and trainer" according to the blurb on the back of the book.  

Years ago, before I ever met my husband, I watched "Creative Visualization" videotape by Shakti Gawain, and tried it.  I visualized meeting up with a professor that I wanted to talk to ... next day, a weekend, I went garage-sale-ing and that particular professor was having a garage sale! and I got to talk to him!  I was "boggled!" then too.   It's like ... there are things we can do with our mind that are "magic" as we would think of them now.   It's like the "success" books about "intention" and stuff like that ... we CAN connect to whatever-it-is out there and it responds!   And so many books about  NDEs, (Near Death Experiences), and one that seems really amazing, by Norman Ring, called Mindsight: Near Death and Out of Body Experiences in the Blind,   The blind report having been able to SEE in their out-of-body experiences!   Kind of like ... an insight into the senses of the departed!  That they can see!  and see colors! 

I've gone through so many books!  now I get on Amazon and read the parts of the books they make available on the site, and the blurbs, and some of the reader comments, and "get" the idea without buying the book.  This connected age we live in,  is (I think) a new thing.  So much information on whatever level we're looking, info for therapists and social workers and how-to help is available even to us, the "subjects," rather than the "teachers," it doesn't matter;  it's out there for everyone to search and find.  

[Boggled]

but the "social interaction," all the books say grievers need ... I AM a griever, and I'm not good at "social interaction."  So THANK YOU, people, for your responses, and if I offend a person on here, it's not intentional!  I'm just totally not good at "people skills!"  But THANKS to you-all!  and to whoever is making this site work, for allowing this form of "social interaction" that I and all of us are using.   I have a lot of ideas read so very many other peoples' ideas, and it's good to bounce them off other real living human people, who "get" the deep terrible strength and wonder and sorrow of this GRIEVING.  But my ideas may be off the wall, and hopefully you-all can get over if I "offend."  

[Gail 8588]

I am an introvert and have always  thought of myself as a very logical person.  Grief was, and is, very hard for me to deal with. 

I have been thinking lately that our human grief experiences are really 2 distinctly different but simultaneous experiences, coming from our 2 distinctly different hemispheres of our brain.

My life has been primarily, almost exclusively, a product of my left brain hemisphere: logical, language based, cause and effect, predictable, definable. 

The death of my husband was a loss that fundamentally impacted my connection to the world. My right brain, which focuses on the present, universal connectivity with all beauty, energy and life, was overwhelmed with sorrow, disconnetion and loss. (My zombie years.) 

I think some of my waves of grief, that I still experience, may be periods of time when my right brain hemisphere takes control over my left brain functions. 

Not sure if any of this makes sense.  A Ted Talk that I highly recommend  is My Stroke of Insight.  It addresses these brain functions and is not about grief at all.  I just think it may relate to how our brains function during grief.   I'd be interested in any thoughts you might have on this. 

Gail

 

[Gail 8588]

Regarding the TED TALK:  For a bit of clarification, my experience of periods of right brain thinking are not the nirvana experience that Dr. Taylor describes.  Mine has been more about despair and loss of connectedness.  I attribute that difference to the nature of the loss I experienced.  

For 40 years I shared my existence with this one energy being  who saw me as perfect, beautiful and whole. I was safe, content and happy with him in my life.  With his death, I think my right brain struggle to adjust to the void of his absence from my life.  

I am no neuroscientist. Just trying to make sense of those periods of out-of-body despair, falling through a dark abyss, not caring if I lived or died, unable to see a future for myself.

I am back in my left hemisphere thinking now nearly all the time.

I can plan a route forward for my life now. 

I just want to understand what happened in my brain.

Gail

[Boggled]

On 3/3/2023 at 8:15 AM, Boggled said:

I said "it was nice just standing there looking at the pillows," and yes, I'm being self-aware here, and that "nice" part is really important.  I THINK.  That discount store is a huge, echoing, tall pole building , only moderately lighted, and with very few people in it at a time.  Me standing there, about in the middle of it, in front of a 4-1/2' tall cardboard bin of discounted pillows (I'm LAUGHING as I type this) and just leaning slightly with my arms on top of the huge cardboard box, (I'm LAUGHING again!) was like ... communing with the universe (laughing again), my soul stretching out through the vast building (laughing again) and RECOGNIZING (preferred over "accepting!") ... what?  PEACE?  a sort of acceptable quietness in the midst of ineffable sadness (crying now) that gave peace to my soul.  

Yeah, I'm examining myself here ... bear with me people, it COULD be that this might be okay for others to read, too.    I can also reach back in memory and remember this feeling, integrate it into my personal world view!  such massive words for such a small happening!  silly but TRUE.  

Lately now, in November 2023, 8 months after I'd written this, that moment of leaning on a box looking at pillows and the state of mind that came to me at that time, is something I CAN "reach back in memory and remember this feeling, integrate it into my personal world view".  I've been DOING that.  Yesterday I found on youtube a teensy part of Shakti Gawain's "Creative Visualization" from the same session I had watched all those years ago on VCR.

As mentioned earlier, this "Creative Visualization" worked for me years and years ago;  I decided to use it again to bring this state of mind more often.

 

[Alisond]

On 3/2/2023 at 12:06 PM, Deborah_M said:

I understand what you are saying LostThomas:  everything in this house is the same as the day he left this world, with the few exceptions of keeping the dust down and clean.  Our bedroom is closed and I can't bring myself to go in there, He died in the living room in the recliner I purchase two weeks before his passing.  I can't sit in that chair...I still see him there.  Valuables are placed in the safe so they don't mysteriously disappear.  I go out and start up his truck to keep the fluids circulating.  When the time is right items will either be sold, given away to loved ones or kept for myself whether it be 1 year, 10 years or never.  Right now, it's never.   You are right about the unnecessary emptiness.  When my brother came down to help me right after my husband's passing, he talked me into selling his tractor that didn't run and would cost more to repair than what I could get for it...at the time I needed extra cash and I agreed, but if I could go back and undo that decision, I would.  Your advice and Kay's is right on.

I agree. Don't be in a rush to get rid of a loved ones things. I  sold off  and donated some of my husband's things way too early-for me. I  should have waited. I still have his huge 5X custom real sheepskin aviator jacket. Like I can ever find someone who wants it. I  can barely lift the darn thing, but it hangs in the closet along with a few shirts. I have no intention of getting rid of these items.  At this point.

It takes what it takes. My first father-in-law kept his wife's lipstick in the bathroom where she always applied it. For years. For him it was comforting, for me that would be a nightmare prolonged.

So,  timing is so personal. We  can only do the hard stuff if we stay as positive as possible. If your late wife's lipstick or my husband's coat hiding in the closet brings some peace then so be it. It's very personal.

[KayC]

I still have my husband's bathrobe 18 years later and have it hanging on my door, I like to wrap myself in it sometimes...

[Boggled]

On 3/8/2023 at 12:37 PM, Gail 8588 said:

I have been thinking lately that our human grief experiences are really 2 distinctly different but simultaneous experiences, coming from our 2 distinctly different hemispheres of our brain.

My life has been primarily, almost exclusively, a product of my left brain hemisphere: logical, language based, cause and effect, predictable, definable. 

The death of my husband was a loss that fundamentally impacted my connection to the world. My right brain, which focuses on the present, universal connectivity with all beauty, energy and life, was overwhelmed with sorrow, disconnetion and loss. (My zombie years.) 

I think some of my waves of grief, that I still experience, may be periods of time when my right brain hemisphere takes control over my left brain functions. 

Not sure if any of this makes sense.  A Ted Talk that I highly recommend  is My Stroke of Insight.  It addresses these brain functions and is not about grief at all.  I just think it may relate to how our brains function during grief.   I'd be interested in any thoughts you might have on this. 

Gail, I'm not aware of right and left hemispheres, but you might have something there.  So, the right hemisphere "focuses on the present, universal connectivity with all beauty, energy and life" ... ?  So when our loved one dies, the right hemisphere takes a huge blow(?), and we experience "overwhelmed with sorrow, disconnection and loss" ... ?  ... and I GUESS it's the left hemisphere that logically knows, they died!, but the right hemisphere just keeps on keeping on with the sorrow ... until the blow to the right-hemisphere-thinkng heals (somehow) ... and left and right hemispheres start integrating again? ... ... ... ...  hunh.  On another thread, a person mentioned they used to "love life," and I know I used to feel like that, but had actually forgotten that feeling, until she mentioned it, and I remembered, I used to feel that too!  and it was so "gone" that I forgot it entirely.  

The past several days, I've been trying to go back to that feeling I mentioned in the store, looking at a box of pillows, and just feeling peace.  It worked the first two nights!  ... but the last night, trying to go back to that feeling again, I couldn't.   Just couldn't bring it up.  And went down into all kinds of weird thoughts about how we really know NOTHING, WHERE IS HE? (my husband that would be) ... I'm still reaching out into the vastness, reminding myself of how Columbus must have felt when he sailed west into the vastness and emptiness of the HUGE Atlantic because he BELIEVED that was the way to reach India.  Not finding ANYthing ... "that way lies madness???"  ... hahahahaha!  hmmmm.  uh.  um.  hum.  well I'm better now!  (she said)  ... but I'm giving up for now on the meditating and trying to go back to that feeling.  (hahaha!)  I'm better now!  (she said!) .........