Debbie Downer Days...

[Jemiga70]

16 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

I am not really living, more existing, day-to-day, with no real purpose since Veronica passed.  I understand it will take some time to figure out what me new purpose in life is, but in the meantime, just existing does not seem meaningful.  At some point, this reality will slowly morph into something new and, perhaps, wonderful, but the here and now is not pleasant.  It is painful and sad.  I embrace my grief but I don't want to be paralyzed by it.

I could've written this and I'm 2 years 5 months out.  While I'm no longer paralyzed by the grief, for the most part I'm just enduring life.  The loss is always in the background -  some days in the foreground.  Some new ideas have sprouted and I'm exploring those. I'm traveling solo to Asia this winter to see if I can live there again on my own.

I'm so sorry you're going through this too.

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

14 hours ago, KayC said:

No...it took me that long to find my purpose, namely helping with grief.  Now I have the added bonus of helping with diabetic groups, researching and finding answers.

 

 

Everything I know about Type I diabetes I learned because of Veronica.  She was diagnosed Type I at the age of 6 and her mom used glass syringes to administer insulin and used CliniTest chemical strips to test for glucose in urine.  When we got married in 1975 Veronica made me practice giving insulin injections on and orange using disposable syringes.  In 2004 she started using an insulin pump, then she had got the Dexcom continuous glucose monitor.  Between the pump and the CGM, her diabetes was under complete control.  But all the complications over the years just caught up to her and she ran out of time.  

[KayC]

Type 2 is vastly different from Type 1.  No "cure" yet for that.  You'd think in this day and age...

[shawnt]

My phone sent me a memories of the past picture, my wife in this day 6 years ago. She was so beautiful to me. Knocked me down.

[KayC]

But what a beautiful blessing, if it hadn't shocked you so much.  Those caught off guard moments are double edged for sure.

[Gail 8588]

My sweet little 2 year old grandson is in the hospital with RSV and pneumonia in both lungs. He is very ill but we are hoping he will be improving soon.

[KayC]

Oh no!  My thoughts and prayers are with him, it has to be hard on grandma too!  

[RichS]

Gail:  My thoughts and prayers are with your grandson and your family.

[DotPark]

Hard to categorize this feeling, just really low theses past few days. The day my husband died, he gave instructions to everyone, last words, all that. It was amazing. But I can't remember if he said anything to me that day. I know he loved me, he showed me a thousand ways and he said it often. But that day, I just can't recall. But then I remembered a conversation with a doctor a few days before, when we discussed him going to rehab. We had done rehab at home the last time he was hospitalized. We do not like congregate settings, especially since COVID, and I would do anything to avoid them. But this time he was much weaker and it was more than I could manage at home, even with help. So I said honey, as soon as you can walk 10 feet, you will leave rehab. And what I remember is him saying to me, I trust you. Not I love you. I trust you. In recalling this i felt a little shortchanged, which is selfish of me, I know. But after turning it over in my head I think this is better, because him saying I trust you is him telling me that he knew I loved him and wanted the best for him. And that's a comfort. I KNOW he loved me. Now I know he knew I loved HIM.

[KayC]

35 minutes ago, DotPark said:

him saying I trust you is him telling me that he knew I loved him and wanted the best for him.

That's how I take it too, and feel it goes even beyond saying "I love you."  It's a deep love, a trusting one, as only some husbands and wives have with each other.

[DotPark]

1 minute ago, KayC said:

That's how I take it too, and feel it goes even beyond saying "I love you."  It's a deep love, a trusting one, as only some husbands and wives have with each other.

Thank you. He used to say he knew I loved him the time, before we were married, that he was home recovering from surgery and asked me to get him dinner from Pizza Hut. This was before cell phones and GPS, and I could not find the Pizza Hut near his house. I finally got to his place, no pizza, sobbing and apologizing. He was so good to me and I could not even find his stupid pizza! So that's how he knew for sure that I loved him.

My similar story took place after we were married. I had gotten written up at work for flipping the bird at a co-worker, a serious deal in the corporate environment if the flippee makes it so. I couldn't bear to tell my husband, he thought so much of me, and it was just eating me up inside. People at church said I should tell him so I steeled myself for a hard conversation. We sat on the bed and through tears of shame I told him what happened and I offered him the official paper from work describing the incident. He pushed it aside and said, I'm not reading that, I know who you are. And that's when I knew that he really and truly loved me. (My ex husband would have read it 😕.)

He was a 59-year-old bachelor when we married. He'd been engaged four times, twice to the same woman.  Something so sweet about marrying late, when you know the good days are gifts to be treasured. He always said he was waiting for me.

Just a rough day. Better get some ice cream for later.

[KayC]

Those are special memories to hold onto.

[DotPark]

Just now, KayC said:

Those are special memories to hold onto.

You know, I feel a little better just sharing this stuff. Thanks.

[Gail 8588]

It's a downer that our Christmas Parade has been cancelled due to projected rain.  I understand canceling it, I was just looking forward to going to it with my grandsons (4 and 2).   It would have been a lot of fun.

 

[KayC]

In OR we don't cancel much due to rain.  It's been pouring the last couple of days, parades go on.  I'm sorry your little ones are missing it.  Is there a neighboring town with one you can take them to?

[widower2]

8 hours ago, KayC said:

In OR we don't cancel much due to rain. 

That's because it always rains   Wait, that's Seattle....

[KayC]

Not in the summertime, but yeah, pretty much the rest of the year...when it's not snowing, which is seven months a year.

[Gail 8588]

Kay, I'm seeing the forecast for your area is lots of snow this week. Four atmospheric rivers one after another headed for Oregon. Some of them may bring rain rather than snow. I'm not sure if that's good or bad.  Anyway, keep warm and stay safe.

 

[foreverhis]

1 hour ago, Gail 8588 said:

Kay, I'm seeing the forecast for your area is lots of snow this week. Four atmospheric rivers one after another headed for Oregon. Some of them may bring rain rather than snow. I'm not sure if that's good or bad.  Anyway, keep warm and stay safe.

 

Yikes!  Heavy rain in series like that is dangerous for many reasons--as our area is all too well aware from last winter.  Flooding from the wildfire areas is always a concern, but the atmospheric rivers make it worse.

Kay, I'll be sending prayers your way to stay safe and warm and with power.🙏💗

[KayC]

This is for my area but they've been off a bit (it's colder than they say) so not sure how accurate this will be...
https://forecast.weather.gov/MapClick.php?lat=43.80009302166679&lon=-122.41395950317383&site=pqr&smap=1&marine=0&unit=0&lg=en#.WdkTzMiGOM8

Currently it's 46 at 3 am. Snow coming this week though. It has been pouring rain and high winds for days now. Had a power outage Saturday.

[AJ4]

Some friends of mine lost their niece on Friday to a drug overdose.  I didn't know she was in danger that way.  It's hitting me really hard- I did know her just as one of the crowd of kids running around growing up together, but not very well at all.  i just can't stop thinking how tragic and horrible it is, such a young person.  

[KayC]

I am so sorry, that is very hard.

[immortalgypsy]

On 7/12/2023 at 6:11 AM, Aarya said:

Hi everyone.. today is definitely a "Debbie Downer" day. Just venting...

It is July 12th, which means I have lived without my soulmate for 3 months today. 

I am still in the same place I was in 3 months ago. I start and end my days in bed crying and begging the universe to give him back to me. I know it hurts my family to see me in such pain.. as I am the youngest and everyone has always wanted to protect me. But I can't help it. I am known for my resilience amongst my family and friends. But this is something that I don't think I will ever recover from. I spend most of my days fantasizing about the world with him in it. About our future together.

I truly have lost all interest in my own life and the world around me. I am no longer passionate about the things I used to be. I finally got into my dream graduate program 4 months ago which I worked so hard for and that he supported me entirely through... but after his passing I don't care anymore about school or a career or anything really. 

A world without him in it seems pointless to me. The pain is just too much for my heart, mind, and body to handle. It's a fight every day to survive, but I don't understand why I'm supposed to fight for a life that my soulmate will no longer share with me? Why do I have to go on? I don't get it. We already had the life we wanted, together. Anything from this point on is just a consolation prize. 

I am sorry if what I have written is triggering for anyone else... or upsets anyone. That is not my intention. I just miss him so much and it kills me that the only person who would be able to get me through this kind of pain, is the one person I will never ever see again.

This.

[rlh]

Just had to snooze my SIL on FB for 30 days. She's my husband's brother's wife. I love them, I love my niece and nephew, but I just can't right now. I can't see the happy family photos, the pictures of the niece and nephew my husband was looking forward to seeing grow up, while bonding with his brother over fatherhood.

She's trying to be supportive and has reached out a few times, but some of the things - like offering to bring me wine...which I rarely drink at best of times and don't want while home alone with my kid, or offering to take my kid out to dinner, then saying "mom can come too if she wants" almost surprised when my kid mentions all of us going hasn't been helping and has made me feel left out or...not very thought abt. Seeing the happy family pictures and know that, although they are also hurting they still have their normal worlds while mine is shattered isn't helping. 

Now I guess I'll go try to shovel some of the snow that the storm outside has decided to dump on me while my emotions inside are also dumping on me.

[immortalgypsy]

3 minutes ago, rlh said:

Just had to snooze my SIL on FB for 30 days. She's my husband's brother's wife. I love them, I love my niece and nephew, but I just can't right now. I can't see the happy family photos, the pictures of the niece and nephew my husband was looking forward to seeing grow up, while bonding with his brother over fatherhood.

She's trying to be supportive and has reached out a few times, but some of the things - like offering to bring me wine...which I rarely drink at best of times and don't want while home alone with my kid, or offering to take my kid out to dinner, then saying "mom can come too if she wants" almost surprised when my kid mentions all of us going hasn't been helping and has made me feel left out or...not very thought abt. Seeing the happy family pictures and know that, although they are also hurting they still have their normal worlds while mine is shattered isn't helping. 

Now I guess I'll go try to shovel some of the snow that the storm outside has decided to dump on me while my emotions inside are also dumping on me.

I’ve snoozed a lot of people.

[KayC]

I had to block my SIL because she is nuts.  Calling 20-21 times/day so no one can get through to me, that's AFTER I let her talk for two hours!  She wakes me up when I've asked her not to call after 4.  Can't handle her.  I love her but can't deal with her.

[rlh]

3 minutes ago, KayC said:

I had to block my SIL because she is nuts.  Calling 20-21 times/day so no one can get through to me, that's AFTER I let her talk for two hours!  She wakes me up when I've asked her not to call after 4.  Can't handle her.  I love her but can't deal with her.

Yikes. I couldn't cope with that. My SIL is sweet, but I don't think she's had a lot of experience with grief (and definitely not partner or parental loss - on top of my husband's passing last week, this month is 2 years since my dad died).

[KayC]

She's actually my ex SIL, her BIL and I were divorced 23 1/2 years ago.  I love my BIL (her husband) but even for his sake, can't do this.  She wants to talk about him and his wife, enough already!  And she wants to sue her sister for throwing away her culottes 15 years ago when she left them in Omaha.  I told her the statue of limitations has long run out and a judge would throw it out as frivilous, but she says she doesn't care, she wants to sue her.  Don't need to hear it... If she wanted them so bad, she should have packed them.  Truth be told, they probably needed tossed.

[widower2]

ugh. Yeah I don't have patience for such nonsense either. 

[AJ4]

We just found out my dad has pancreatic cancer.  He's not doing well over all anyway.  I'm very worried about my mom.  They live 450 miles away from so I can't just run over there and help.  I'm freaking out  a lot.  

[RichS]

AJ4:  Very sorry to hear about your dad. Our prayers are with your dad and your family.

[KayC]

I am so sorry!  🙏🙏🙏

[Boggled]

I'm sorry to read that, too, AJ4.

[rlh]

Today's downers: I had a dream with my husband last night. Everything was normal and I climbed into bed next to him and wrapped my arm around his chest. I could FEEL it. Then I woke at 2am and my breath just left me when reality set in.

Kid and I are still congested which means we're not heading to my mom's for the night. Hoping we'll feel up to it tomorrow since it's a 3 day weekend. It's a 2 hr trip one way, so we used to make it a day trip with me driving there and husband driving home, but even on a good day I can't do 4 hours of driving both ways (esp when one way will be nighttime driving).

My heart hurts.

[foreverhis]

On 1/11/2024 at 11:18 AM, AJ4 said:

We just found out my dad has pancreatic cancer.  He's not doing well over all anyway.  I'm very worried about my mom.  They live 450 miles away from so I can't just run over there and help.  I'm freaking out  a lot.  

I’m so sorry to hear you and your family are going through this. As much as I know that the longer we live, the more trials we will face, sometimes it feels as if they compound one on the other.

We will all be thinking of you and your family and praying or wishing for the best.❤️

[KayC]

1 hour ago, rlh said:

even on a good day I can't do 4 hours of driving both ways (esp when one way will be nighttime driving).

I get it, it's 3 hours to my son's and they always want me to drive there, never reciprocal.  Not in the winter.  I prefer to split the driving with my daughter but that doesn't work when they want me to take care of their kids.

[RichS]

1 hour ago, rlh said:

but even on a good day I can't do 4 hours of driving both ways (esp when one way will be nighttime driving).

I mentioned this a few months ago: I used to pass rest stops. Now, I visit every one of them; even if I don't need to use the men's room.

[rlh]

1 minute ago, RichS said:

I mentioned this a few months ago: I used to pass rest stops. Now, I visit every one of them; even if I don't need to use the men's room.

We really only have one rest stop at the state line between here and there. We do always stop there (more often than not, I need it an hour in anyway).

[rlh]

2 minutes ago, KayC said:

I get it, it's 3 hours to my son's and they always want me to drive there, never reciprocal.  Not in the winter.  I prefer to split the driving with my daughter but that doesn't work when they want me to take care of their kids.

Yeah it's never really been reciprocal with my parents over the years (when I lived cross country, it was always me flying back, even when I offered to pay for them to come take a trip to visit). Now it's hard for mom to reciprocate when she wishes she could be here for me; she has copd and is usually on a portable oxygen machine. She can't really get her own meals and has to take a few breaks going to and from the bathroom.

These past few weeks, she did come down 2x for overnights with my brother so we wouldn't be alone (and with bro so he could help with her needs while she was here for moral support) and I know that was hard on her.

[widower2]

This is kind of trivial but a "PSA" I guess but for online shoppers: avoid "aliexpress.com" like the plague. I heard about them because they have good prices, and they do...but omg they are screwed up. I tried to buy something with my credit card and got an error. I naively thought I could contact customer service and get it resolved. lol. The people who work here are people that even McD's wouldn't hire. Unless you're into the degree of frustration that would bring on a heart attack, buy things ANYWHERE else. 

[foreverhis]

On 1/13/2024 at 8:14 AM, rlh said:

It's a 2 hr trip one way, so we used to make it a day trip with me driving there and husband driving home, but even on a good day I can't do 4 hours of driving both ways (esp when one way will be nighttime driving).

I'm right with you there.  I rarely go up to the Bay Area to visit family and friends because it's a minimum (closest family) 3 hours each way.  I can do one way if I start early after a good night's sleep (a rare event) and if I take a few short stops along the way.  John and I know every place that has a clean bathroom and/or good coffee.  We'd often split the driving with me starting us out and him taking over either in King City or Salinas.  Sometimes the other way around.

For the past 5-1/2 years it's mostly been friends and family coming to me, which I'm fine with because none of them are "company."  They bring fun stuff (wine and food and goodies), we share the cooking and other tasks, we plan activities as well as "nothing" days to just be together, and they gather the laundry into the hampers the day they're heading home.  The men still all seem to need to find "something to do to help" with small household maintenance and repairs.  I'm pretty convinced doing that has helped them through their own grieving.  We didn't have large circles of friends and family, but those who loved us and loved John and still love me are precious.  Losing him was hard on everyone.

As for night driving, I am growing increasingly uncomfortable with it.  Not because I am concerned about my driving skills. I'm an excellent driver.  But because I have cataracts that are now affecting my night vision.  Colored lights aren't really a problem as yet, but white lights, especially those horrible bright blue LED headlights, are halos and fuzzy mist.  I've said more than once that I almost can't wait until they're bad enough for surgery.  A friend mentioned that I might qualify sooner because I live alone now.  The big thing I remember after my mom had her surgeries (a few months apart, as I recall) was that she went from needing trifocals to simple readers.  I've been wearing glasses for distance since my late 20s and switched to bifocals in my late 40s.  The thought of not needing glasses for driving or to see clearly across the room is quite appealing. 

It's strange the things that change that I hadn't fully considered.

[Sar123]

On 1/11/2024 at 1:18 PM, AJ4 said:

We just found out my dad has pancreatic cancer.  He's not doing well over all anyway.  I'm very worried about my mom.  They live 450 miles away from so I can't just run over there and help.

I’m so sorry to hear that about your dad.  My heart goes out to you. My husband had pancreatic cancer too. If you need any resources, I can help you out if you would like. I did a lot of research at the time.  
 

Both my kids live far away- my daughter is about 400 miles away and my son lives in another country. They kept in contact during that time through phone calls, video chats, texting and coming to visit when they could. We would even play games on video chat which my husband enjoyed. I know it must be hard on you that you don’t live close, but keeping in contact helps a lot. Your parents know how much you love them so hang in there and help when you can and call them. 

[AJ4]

I'm calling my parents a lot but I feel super helpless.  My son is going to visit them and see if he can help.  When I talked to my dad today he said my mom needs a lot of help.   She's taking care of the whole farm by herself and it's been 0 degrees which means nothing works_ like. The water for livestock etc. 

[RichS]

32 minutes ago, AJ4 said:

I'm calling my parents a lot but I feel super helpless.  My son is going to visit them and see if he can help.

I'm sure your son will help them in some ways. Do they have any friends/farmers nearby that could lend a hand?

[KayC]

That's a good idea, Rich.  Hoping your son can be of help to them, I'm sure he will.

[rlh]

Tonight, thinking about how my sheets are overdue to be changed. I washed them the day before his surgery, so he slept in them that one last night.

Once I wash these, there won't be sheets that he's slept in anymore.

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

5 hours ago, rlh said:

Tonight, thinking about how my sheets are overdue to be changed. I washed them the day before his surgery, so he slept in them that one last night.

Once I wash these, there won't be sheets that he's slept in anymore.

That concept has been in the back of my mind lately.  Veronica and I got a new mattress in mid-April of last year and put clean sheets in May, before she went to the ER on June 2.  I have not changed the sheets or her pillow case, leaving everything the same as when she left.  And my right shoulder hurts, possibly rotator cuff issues that makes the sheet changing process rather painful.  But like you say, these are the sheets my bride slept on before she had to leave.

[KayC]

10 hours ago, rlh said:

Once I wash these, there won't be sheets that he's slept in anymore.

Normally I'd do them once a week but that first time was a month for the same reason and I cried when at last I washed them.

[DWS]

11 hours ago, rlh said:

Tonight, thinking about how my sheets are overdue to be changed. I washed them the day before his surgery, so he slept in them that one last night.

Once I wash these, there won't be sheets that he's slept in anymore.

Megan Devine, in her book "It's OK That You're Not OK" wrote that she didn't change her bed sheets for a year. 

 

[KayC]

Could save the sheets as is and put in a plastic bag to preserve the smell which dissipates after about a month, put other sheets on your bed if you're concerned about hygeine.  Just an idea.