Debbie Downer Days...

[foreverhis]

@Gail 8588  That's a good one.

@Gail 8588@widower2  We could always discuss the Oxford comma.😉  I'm pro-comma, just so you know.  I have a fun story about being vindicated for my firm belief in them.

[widower2]

No self-respecting grammarian disses the Oxford comma. 

[RichS]

2 hours ago, Gator M said:

I am dragging today.

Not too much energy myself this afternoon. Maybe both of us need to get out of the house. I'm taking my son to Barnes & Noble to meet up with his friends. Not exciting, but at least it's a change of scenery from watching an 8-0 baseball game and having the cat sit in my lap about five times.

[KayC]

Air quality today is 225, not good. Just got home with Kodie, took him to the park and church fun day. 

[RichS]

Yesterday it was 200, right? What number do you have to hit before you need to start evacuating?

[foreverhis]

Kay, that's disheartening to hear.  I know it's not nearly as bad as your worst last year, but that it's going up is so worrisome.  You're in my thoughts throughout the day and evening.  You're all in my prayers too.💗

[KayC]

22 minutes ago, RichS said:

Yesterday it was 200, right? What number do you have to hit before you need to start evacuating?

Air quality has nothing to do with evacuations, fire does.  If it escapes the lines...

Last  year the air was 1628, the year before (although more briefly) it got to over 2800.  Right now: (we're fortunate to have a sensor on the street).

[shawnt]

I love the comma, but you could put a gun to my head; and I still don't know where to put the semi colon.

On to the downer. I think I know to much about cancer ( that nasty bitch).

( I love the bracket too)

You can not tell people the nitty gritty truth, they don't want to know or you can't tell them or you will break their heart. The best you can do is try and be helpful.

I am watching another friend face the Dragon and it is pulling up memories that are ripping me apart. I don't think I can take much more. Time to run away and join the circus.

Time to take a vacation, just go, in 4 weeks there will be snow in the mountains.

[shawnt]

I think I know what I am missing, I have nothing I am really looking forward to. That great sense of anticipation of something special. I have to find that again. To be excited about what happens next. Instead of misery and looking back knowing I will never see her again, never talk to her, never feel her cuddled up to me, never see her smile again.

[RichS]

19 minutes ago, shawnt said:

I think I know what I am missing, I have nothing I am really looking forward to. That great sense of anticipation of something special. I have to find that again. To be excited about what happens next. Instead of misery and looking back knowing I will never see her again, never talk to her, never feel her cuddled up to me, never see her smile again.

Once again Shawn, you must be reading my mind. I'm feeling the same way.

[widower2]

I think it definitely helps to "get out there," even if sometimes we don't feel like it. There are all kinds of social groups and activities to try. I was reluctant at first myself, but ultimately glad I did. I made new friends, did new things, wasn't at home stewing in my own misery non-stop. I think just to be focused on something else can help. 

[KayC]

It helped to get out a bit today. 

[KayC]

Gator, it can be anything, bird watching, gardening, book club, nature walks, anything that gets you out with people that have a like interest.

[widower2]

1 hour ago, Gator M said:

All kinds of social groups?

I'm listening.  

Almost everything here is now online or dating sites.

Even the churches here have dropped singles groups.

I've been looking for months.   It's not as EASY as some may think.

I'm in the process of starting one...it's slow going.

Try this: https://www.meetup.com/

Then search on ones in your area. The nice thing about these is they are very inexpensive or even free and there's no pressure to go to any particular event at all. Pick and choose what interests you. 

[Gail 8588]

8 hours ago, shawnt said:

. . .

You can not tell people the nitty gritty truth, they don't want to know or you can't tell them or you will break their heart. The best you can do is try and be helpful.

. . . .

That is how I feel when I see my SIL who just lost her husband last month. She is in that awful raw grief and wants to know when this will end. 

I try to be helpful with the 'it's different for everyone'  but I think it would crush her to hear how long I was in that dark pit. 

[KayC]

I'd give her a range and just tell her it's different for everyone, depending on how they process their grief. Seriously it takes effort, going for grief counseling, grief support groups, journaling, forums, reading books/articles...I remember feeling like "I didn't ask for this or want this, why do I have to do anything!!!"  IDK, but we do...

[widower2]

RIght...it does get better ("better" meaning less bad, not "fixed"), it just takes time...and like you said, there's no pat answer on how much. I guess the hopeful takeaway is she should be continually trending in the right direction.

[shawnt]

Monday's at camp make me really miss her. It was the stolen extra day, just me and her. Guests gone home, kids back to work. Me and her in the peace and quiet. Now the place feels desolate. Maybe I should be working or home doing laundry .

[RichS]

“Everything looks the same, but feels different.”——-That’s how my mind has been operating since Chris passed away, so I can relate to how you feel.

[shawnt]

No they do not(lucky them)

Can't get over it, can't get around it . I have to learn to live in it.

[RichS]

OK--------I was going to do this tomorrow but decided to do it today. Tomorrow will be Chris' ONE YEAR REMEMBERENCE DAY (August 15, 2022). Hope you understand.

[LMR]

So sorry. My thoughts are with you Rich.

16th is 3 years for me but time has become meaningless. Three years ,  three months, it might as well be three minutes. The pain is always there.

[KayC]

Rich and Sparky, you are both in my prayers as you get through those days...
Anniversary of death tips
Anniversary of Death
Anniversary of a Loved One's Death

The 16th is four years since my Arlie died...not comparing losses, but it was a huge void in my life, it like to have done me in.  I loved that boy so much.

[widower2]

How are you online without power? Hope power comes back up soon! Around here a stiff breeze knocks out power; we're so overdue to lose it. You don't realize how much you rely on electricity until you don't have it. ugh.

[widower2]

...and battery power on the computer. Yeah, my brain works sometimes.

I keep around a few magazines and puzzle books for power outs like that. Reading by candlelight isn't great, but options are limited...

[RichS]

Strong thunderstorms cancelled softball games tonight; so no scorekeeping. Not too disappointed, though. Between Chris's REMEMERANCE DAY and a bunch of errands to run, I fell asleep in my chair by 6:00 PM.

widower2:  Glad to hear that Joe Burroughs finally gave it a rest for awhile.

[foreverhis]

4 hours ago, widower2 said:

...and battery power on the computer. Yeah, my brain works sometimes.

I keep around a few magazines and puzzle books for power outs like that. Reading by candlelight isn't great, but options are limited...

During our first power loss last winter, I was trying to figure out how I was going to charge my phone if the outage lasted and/or we were on evacuation warning for the floods.  (Bing!) Oh yeah, I have a fully charged laptop and can use that to charge my phone.  I had to do that twice during the various outages.

I don't know if we're allowed to link suggestions for purchases, so I will simply suggest you do a search for Luci Lights.  Friends have them for camping and outages, so another friend and I checked out the options.  They are darn wonderful.  Solar charged and good light.  We opted for the warm light and each bought two "base camp" models for room lighting (plus USB A or USB C for phone charging) and a "basic" one for carrying from room to room.  So far, so good.

[KayC]

I doubt solar would work with the thick smoke.  Laptop is a great suggestion.

[KayC]

6 minutes ago, Gator M said:

you may consider putting up a small wind generator. 

Takes $.

[KayC]

I am so sorry.  Going through probate is no fun, my sister died 1 1/2 years ago and her place sold 1/6, all going to 9 nieces and nephews but not one of them has seen a dime, the lawyers get their money but...

[widower2]

20 hours ago, foreverhis said:

During our first power loss last winter, I was trying to figure out how I was going to charge my phone if the outage lasted and/or we were on evacuation warning for the floods.  (Bing!) Oh yeah, I have a fully charged laptop and can use that to charge my phone.  I had to do that twice during the various outages.

 

Depending on what kind of car you have, you could charge it there too (EDIT: Gator beat me to it). That's also a nice time for a drive, where you have A/C and can play tunes.   Course you can't do it for long, but it helps!

[widower2]

7 hours ago, Gator M said:

 I'm pi$$ed. 

I went to the bank today.  I hate this bank.  We were in the process of changing banks.   Most of the money was already moved. Most of the accounts were in both of our name BUT one.  The bank refuses to let me know if it is active or how much is in it if any.   I could not find her password, and everything is electronic...no mail.  My probate attorney could not figure it out.

I brought a Death Certificate...Not enough.  I just brought a letter from the court saying I'm the executor...Not enough... Their "Legal Team" has to review it.  This has been going on for months. They said it's Federal Law...That's BS.  Most states it would roll over to surviving spouse...Not here. 

That IS indeed BS. I presented a death certificate and my ID and letter showing me as power of attorney and that was enough. What crapass bank is this which I will never use? 

[widower2]

Unbelievable. Sorry you have to go through this. I had numerous "extra things" like that which were total BS after my loss (mostly related to her scum daughters trying to get the will tossed out) and I was seething. So losing the love of my life isn't enough? Some dipsticks have to throw salt on the wound? Really? 

Hang in there friend. You will survive this. 

[KayC]

Oh no!  I am so sorry to learn this, Gator.  It's going to be tough, I am sure you'll be there for them as much as you can..  

[widower2]

Very sorry to hear this too!

[foreverhis]

May I add just a Debbie Downer afternoon?

It's hot and humid here today with tropical storm clouds in and out.  The wind is from the south and hot.  This is not our typical weather, especially for August.  We expect the Santa Anas and Santa Lucias from October through December, but they're mostly hot winds without humidity.

Anyway, I was out running a couple of errands and started thinking about how much it feels like Hawai'i.  Then it hit me that not only am I never going to go to Lahaina with John again, I'm never going to be able to go there at all.  Nothing like having several emotional thoughts pile up all at once and decide to release themselves as blinding tears while you're trying to drive home from the farmers market.

I don't know why, but even after 5 years, there are still moments and events that hit home with the reality that he is gone.

[WithoutHer]

Quote above I messed that one up. And couldn't delete it.
(Edit: deleted it for you... W2    ) 

I'm having the same realization issue as I said in another post. Just over 6 months and I still haven't accepted deep down that Vickie is not here.

I don't think that will ever smooth out for me.

[RichS]

WithoutHer / Gator:  I share both of your feelings. Afternoons are the worst for me. Even sunny, beautiful afternoons. Why? Who knows how my mind works? Last night I was watching the end of the "Field of Dreams" movie for the umpteenth time. As soon as the Ray meets his deceased father, I immediately stared at a wedding photo of Chris and I; and the waterworks started flowing (I was replacing Ray with myself and his father with Chris). As Paul Harvey used to say, "AND NOW YOU KNOW THE REST OF THE STORY."

[WithoutHer]

1 hour ago, Gator M said:

7 months for me...I'm  hoping it smooths out...meaning I'm functioning and at peace.

But I don't think I'll ever be where I was.

I'm retired and home every day. Have no interest in getting out except I'll go for a drive now and then to force myself without a destination. I don't think I know I'll never be where I was. Like everyone doing this alone that returning without her presence just reinforces the emptiness.

[widower2]

3 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

Just over 6 months and I still haven't accepted deep down that Vickie is not here.

I don't think that will ever smooth out for me.

Like so many things in life, it's a question of degree. Hell I'm many years in and there is still and always will be a part of me that does not accept this. It's too ridiculous. But I accept it far better than I did when I was where you are now. "Time heals all wounds" is a crock. But for most it does, albeit gradually, help. A lot. I'm nowhere near the train wreck I was back then. 

[widower2]

59 minutes ago, WithoutHer said:

I'm retired and home every day. Have no interest in getting out except I'll go for a drive now and then to force myself without a destination. I don't think I know I'll never be where I was. Like everyone doing this alone that returning without her presence just reinforces the emptiness.

I think there is value in getting out for the sake of getting out. Whether it's a drive, a walk, getting together with family/friends, joining a social club, anything.......just don't sit home and let the walls close in.

[Gail 8588]

Widower2, 

I am also "nowhere near the train wreck I was back then."  

I do enjoy my life now, but it is not nearly as enjoyable as my life with John.  I wish he had been here for our son's wedding a couple of months ago, I wish he had the chance to know and love our grand children, I wish he was here to just be with me.  There is an element of sadness/longing for what was.  But it is no longer crushing.  I talk to him all the time and believe he walks with me most days. 

Separate from the emotional stuff, life is just harder without him here. Everything is on me, rather than having a partner to do half the stuff. (Shopping, cooking, cleaning, bills,   car repairs, house repairs, etc.)  Just loading and unloading the car for my week at the beach was exhausting!  But at least I was actually able to enjoy my week at the beach the last couple of years. No longer pretending to have a good time. 

I am much better than those early years. 

Gail

 

[widower2]

Well said Gail, exactly...it's not the world we want to say the least, but I think over time we learn that just because our life has changed doesn't mean it's over. As impossible as it seemed to me early on, it is possible to again have fun and get some enjoyment out of life.

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

1 hour ago, widower2 said:

I think there is value in getting out for the sake of getting out. Whether it's a drive, a walk, getting together with family/friends, joining a social club, anything.......just don't sit home and let the walls close in.

I am also retired from the workforce in June 2015, when I became my wife Veronica’s full time caretaker, her mechanic as I jokingly referred to myself.  That calling ended June 27 this year.  Have to recalibrate my purpose in life.  A friend recommended I volunteer for the Red Cross.  So I submitted my info last night for review and screening.  Have to wait about a week to see what they say, but it will give me a chance to do something meaningful and helpful going forward.  Still cannot go to social gatherings without my wife yet.  In the meantime, I walk around the neighborhood or go the food court on the base and wander aimlessly.  Hey, it’s out and about, right?  🥲

[foreverhis]

@Gail 8588  Beautifully written.  I feel so much the same about my John.  It took a long time for me to get to a place where the glorious feelings I had when John and I were together were able to mix in with the utter desperation of missing him.  Like so many of us, I didn't believe I could ever feel any happiness again.  At about 2-1/2 years, a dear friend (Raleigh's mom) tentatively said, "You seem to be finding just a little happiness these days.  Is it okay to ask if you are?"  It was absolutely okay for her to ask me because she knows grief.  She and her husband lost their daughter at birth 2 decades ago.  They have both been a source of comfort that I don't take for granted.  They know and understand.  They know when to "nudge" a little and when to simply sit in silence with me.

[Roxeanne]

1 hour ago, widower2 said:

it's not the world we want to say the least, but I think over time we learn that just because our life has changed doesn't mean it's over. As impossible as it seemed to me early on, it is possible to again have fun and get some enjoyment out of life.

We had to learn the bitter lesson...enjoy life without our soulmates!

[LMR]

8 hours ago, foreverhis said:

 

Anyway, I was out running a couple of errands and started thinking about how much it feels like Hawai'i.  Then it hit me that not only am I never going to go to Lahaina with John again, I'm never going to be able to go there at all.  Nothing like having several emotional thoughts pile up all at once and decide to release themselves as blinding tears while you're trying to drive home from the farmers market.

I don't know why, but even after 5 years, there are still moments and events that hit home with the reality that he is gone.

I feel the same way. I don't really want to go anywhere without him.

I just cancelled my travel insurance. I don't think I'll be going back to US even though I miss it so much. It was the 3 year anniversary on Wednesday and nobody back home remembered, they have all moved on and all but forgotten him.

I still have those moments of disbelief, panic, nausea. Sometimes I wonder if it really happened to the degree that I want to go back and check even though I know it's ridiculous. There are always going to be the black holes ready for me to fall into as I have today for no reason, it is just too much today.

[Roxeanne]

11 hours ago, foreverhis said:

don't know why, but even after 5 years, there are still moments and events that hit home with the reality that he is gone.

Just so!

[KayC]

10 hours ago, Gator M said:

But I don't think I'll ever be where I was.

No, none of us are.  But as widower2, Gail, and Annie have said, we're not the trainwreck we were in the beginning...that's something, a lot actually.

[widower2]

9 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

I walk around the neighborhood or go the food court on the base and wander aimlessly.  Hey, it’s out and about, right?  

Yes it is! So you're retired USAF?