Debbie Downer Days...

[widower2]

1 hour ago, Gator M said:

We know life is not over.  For some of us, that's the issue.  Life goes on but it's fairly empty.  

It's that realization that is so daunting.

But I think over time it can become less empty and to one degree or another, worth living. Easier said than done obviously, but possible. 

[KayC]

We all do, but I figured when George died (I was 52) I'd have another 40 years to go so I might as well get used to it.  My mom was 59 when my dad died and she lived another 33 years or so.

[Sar123]

I’ve had a rough few days and I almost feel like I have to start the grieving process all over again. Last week a friend told me about her cousin being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer which is what my husband died from. As we were talking, I found out her cousin is at the same stage as he was- 1b and on the same chemo he was first on. However, she was told if it didn’t shrink the tumor, they would put her in a clinical trial. My husband never got that option. I was the one to bring it up to his oncologist and surgeon after the 2nd chemo didn’t work. I had researched clinical trials and it seemed like I knew more about them than they did. Anyway, this sent me into a downward spiral that I’m having a hard time climbing out of. I know I can’t change the outcome, but I keep remembering that  I was taking him to radiation this time last year and he was still alive. I miss him so much and there are days I still can’t believe this is real. I’m not sure how to get out of this funk. It’s just me and my dog so it’s easy to obsess about things I can’t change. I think I will live with this grief indefinitely, but I want to put it in a corner where I learn to live with it, but not let it take over my life if that makes sense. 

[RichS]

19 minutes ago, Sar123 said:

I think I will live with this grief indefinitely, but I want to put it in a corner where I learn to live with it, but not let it take over my life if that makes sense.

I've second guessed myself over the care taking of my family members. I finally came to the conclusion that I did as best as humanly possible based on the information that was given to me. I've read some interesting comments on this board that were posted in the last day or two concerning enjoying life after losing a spouse or loved one. I'm struggling with that myself. From what I read it's going to take time and I have to patiently wait until my outlook changes. Hang in there.

[RichS]

49 minutes ago, Gator M said:

We don't need empathy.  We need to be listened to. We need to heal but with understanding and realization that what we had is now a memory.

And we need to be drawn to people that will listen to us. The rest have their own mindsets which is of no use to us.

[widower2]

1 hour ago, Gator M said:

We don't need empathy.  We need to be listened to. 

I think we need both. Goodness knows I could have used more empathy than I got. 

 

1 hour ago, Sar123 said:

 a clinical trial. My husband never got that option. I was the one to bring it up to his oncologist and surgeon after the 2nd chemo didn’t work. I had researched clinical trials and it seemed like I knew more about them than they did.

Same here, and we were at one of the most highly-touted cancer centers in the world (MD Anderson). You don't want to get me started on the medical incompetence/apathy/idiocy of our medical profession. 

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

Quote

So you're retired USAF?

Widower 2, I am retired US Navy, Submarine Service.  I go to the Naval Station in San Diego from time to time, just to go somewhere familiar.  Might have an ice cream from Cold Stone.  I pass the flower shop and look at the flowers my wife would have me buy for her, just because.  Now I’ll stop by and get flowers before going to Miramar National Cemetery, Veronica’s final resting place.

[widower2]

ah my bad. I heard "base" and assumed USAF. Regardless, thanks for your service; wow subs, I can't imagine. I was USAF but in a very "corporate" job. Again I'm so sorry for your loss. At least you can visit her resting place; I don't have that luxury...which may seem an odd term, but my beloved was cremated and her urn was basically stolen from me by her trailer trash daughters, so you may see why I'm envious. 

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

3 hours ago, widower2 said:

beloved was cremated and her urn was basically stolen from me by her trailer trash daughters, so you may see why I'm envious. 

Holy crap!  That is downright despicable!  So sorry to hear that!  I never knew people could ever be so harsh, but then I learn something new.  Wow!  

[Roxeanne]

21 hours ago, Gator M said:

But the joy will be relative.

I understand you...!

when i was few months in my grief i asked to the people in another forum who said to me the same i says now : "how can you content yourself with a life so miserable without your soulmate?"

It was a scream from my tortured heart...i wanted him and my life with him back!

But i was unfair with people that survived a cruel separation and found hard a way to live again...not only for themselves but they helped me pointed  the direction...!

I know now: It's a hard job for heroes...nothing less!

[KayC]

2 hours ago, Roxeanne said:

i asked to the people in another forum who said to me the same i says now : "how can you content yourself with a life so miserable without your soulmate?"

griefhealing?

[Roxeanne]

No Kay...my first forum was widowed village! Now all our post was deleted and it was so changed...i don't write on it anymore!

[widower2]

5 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

Holy crap!  That is downright despicable!  So sorry to hear that!  I never knew people could ever be so harsh, but then I learn something new.  Wow!  

Thanks - yeah this often brings out the worst in people, I don't know why. Although they were pretty much "worst" all the time.

[Sar123]

This continues to be the worst year of my life. I found out last night that my dog had liver cancer and had to put him down today.  My daughter came for the week because we were planning on going to the State Fair tomorrow. He became very ill yesterday and was lethargic and not eating so she volunteered to take him into the emergency vet after work. Unfortunately they found a mass on his liver and wanted to euthanize him at the clinic, but I said I wanted to do it at home and I’m glad I did. It’s so incredibly painful to lose him. He got me through last winter, but I do know his dad was there to greet him when he crossed over just as I know they will greet me when I do. I am so thankful and appreciate my daughter being there for me when this happened. We were all crying . He was loved by so many people and will be missed. I didn’t know my heart could break more than it already has, but I found out it did today. 

[KayC]

@Sar123 I am so sorry for the loss of your dog, esp. so close following your loss of your husband. Your consolation is that your husband is there to greet him.  Mine was too when I lost Arlie to cancer, but George never knew him as I got him after George passed. 

http://www.griefhealing.com/comfort-grieving-animal-lovers.htm

 

[widower2]

Also very sorry about your dog. It was so hard when that  time came for me, esp given his connection to her.

[RichS]

11 hours ago, Gator M said:

Watching the Gator Game...They're getting scorched.

Ah, I know the feeling. When I played in the church softball league and some nights when we were getting shellacked, I'd come home and tell Chris, WE GOT OUR POSTERIORS RE-ARRANGED. Had to put it that way, we were playing in a church league, after all.

I have Charter/Spectrum for both TV and Internet.  Disney/ESPN has blocked Spectrum.  I can't even pay for ESPN+

Talk about ripoffs............If you're a Yankees fan these days, you need to subscribe to THREE different streaming services in order to watch all of their home and road games. If you're a sports fan, everyone wants your money.

[shawnt]

We are cash cows to the teams.

Go Jays go !!!!!

 

[Gail 8588]

Gator, 

The game was one self inflicted injury after another. So many off sides, especially on 3rd and 1 or 4th and one, two #3 jerseys, our boys were just not in sync with each other. We have some good talent. I like the QB, there is potential there. But we have such a tough schedule. It's going to be a long hard season.

 

[Mama_Bear_11]

Hoo boy. I just need to vent somewhere safe. You know how sometimes, everything just comes at once?

The kids just went back to school, so I finally had a moment to myself to really grieve missing him/remembering last summer. This time last year, we found out he can cancer, so it's all jumbled up.

It's a long story, but I'm also becoming the executor of my sister's estate, which is a mess. One of her friends called sobbing because my sister's house was trashed (nephew, the beneficiary, has terrible addiction issues and is in jail). Then we discovered that the bank may have repo'd the house. What a mess.

Finally, my husband was a game developer, and his game is just releasing. So I get to see so much noise about this game! Sort of a secret, but he and I collaborated on some songs in the game (I wasn't exactly supposed to help, but I often helped him with ideas and problem solving, and honestly, he had no sense of tune whatsoever!). I am so sad that I don't get to at least get to see him show off what he did, or go to the launch party, or any of the things. But between you, me & the signpost, the songs were sung by the guy who did the Wellerman sea shanties. Written by me.

[KayC]

14 hours ago, Mama_Bear_11 said:

But between you, me & the signpost, the songs were sung by the guy who did the Wellerman sea shanties. Written by me.

This was a collaboration of efforts and even though you don't get to go to the launching party, you can joyously celebrate as you watch it come to fruition, knowing the parts you both played in it.  Congratulations to you and your husband!

[RichS]

1 hour ago, Gator M said:

I paid for ESPN Plus.  They took my money BUT they are blocking my internet provider...Charter/ Spectrum.

I was thinking about you yesterday when I discovered that my carrier (Spectrum), was blocking ESPN and ESPN2 because of a dispute with Disney. Yeah, my monthly bill won't be going down, I'm sure. 

[foreverhis]

3 hours ago, Gator M said:

MORE ESPN $#!^

I paid for ESPN Plus.  They took my money BUT they are blocking my internet provider...Charter/ Spectrum.

ESPN has hung up on me once already.  I can pay $$$ for SLING or YouTube TV.  

NO ONE does what is right today...Not government, not education, not higher education, not big business, not media, not the courts, not medicine...

LEGAL does not mean RIGHT.  

Why do I want to live in this world?  EVERYTHING is a hassle, a fight, or a concern.  

If you pay for ESPN+ as an individual subscription (not part of any Spectrum cable or Spectrum's own streaming app), you're not supposed to be blocked because your contract is solely with ESPN, not Spectrum.  That means that once again "the little guy" (us) is being...sorry...screwed by "the big guys."  I'd love to hear their reasons for blocking a private contract (you) from a paid service (ESPN).

What a shocker that they've already cut you off on the phone.  Others too, no doubt, so they don't have to deal with their actual customers.  (Insert swear or other angry words of your choice here.)

[RichS]

OK------------this one belongs in the Debbie Downer Days category: I ACCIDENTALLY LOCKED MYSELF OUT OF MY HOUSE.

Definitely going to get duplicate keys made so that I can keep a spare set hidden. The Cost for a Locksmith??..........Let's just say I could have taken a ONE WAY FLIGHT TO A CITY 500 MILES AWAY. Now, if you'll excuse me; I have to go to the nearest mirror in my house to tell myself what a SENILE DIMWIT I was.

[KayC]

Rich, be easy on yourself, you might need you sometime!

[Gail 8588]

@RichS

Don't beat yourself up. It really is grief.

The first year after John died I locked my keys in my car 6 times!   The 6th time I called AAA for a lockout, the girl on the phone very nicely said, "Just to let you know, 6 lockout calls are the maximum allowed for free each year.  Your policy will renew on the 20th of next month, and you will have 6 more, so try not to lock your keys in the car again until then."

My AAA membership paid for itself just in lockout calls.  

[widower2]

On 9/2/2023 at 4:37 PM, RichS said:

OK------------this one belongs in the Debbie Downer Days category: I ACCIDENTALLY LOCKED MYSELF OUT OF MY HOUSE.

ugh! I did that once many years ago in my first house and thought well I won't make that mistake again....and I did it about a year or so ago. I live in a rural area so I feel safe (knock on wood!) now leaving my window lock off out back off the deck unlocked in case I do it again. And really, if someone did discover it, they wouldn't find much worth stealing...a 15 yr old 32" TV set probably worth $50 tops, my pretty low-end laptop worth not much more. I have no jewelry and certainly no cash/etc anywhere. 

[widower2]

Not hard copies, nope. My laptop they aren't about to guess my password and my backups on flash drives they'll never find. 

[Gail 8588]

4 hours ago, widower2 said:

. . . And really, if someone did discover it, they wouldn't find much worth stealing...

Reminds me of a friend of mine who's house was broken into, she called the police before entering, as she didn't know if the thief was still there.  The police walked with her through the whole house, which was somewhat ransacked. Books pulled off the bookshelves, drawers opened and contents pulled out, her jewelry rummaged through. 

Nothing was taken, basically because nothing had any resale value.  All her jewelry was hand made paper mache and "found" items. No gold anything. The officer said it looks like they took your TV and she said no she didn't have one. 

I think she and the officer both sort of felt bad that the thief basically didn't want any of her stuff.

She just had a broken door to fix, and to pick up all her stuff.

[KayC]

Widower, you sound like me, my PC is about 15 years old, they wouldn't find their way into it, not worth anything to anyone else, my tv also 32" and it was a used one I got about 12 years ago.  The jewelry they can have except George and my wedding bands, I don't wear the gold anymore since I don't go to work anymore.

[widower2]

Plus robbery has been on a steady decline for years. I think part of that is there just isn't as much worth the effort anymore.  Electronics? in olden days, things like computers, TVs, stereos, even radios had a lot of value. Now they're dirt cheap. Jewelry and furs? People wear and own much less now. Stocks and bonds? Seriously? Everything is on the net now. 

[RichS]

LSU favored the 1.5. They're playing in Orlando. Can you listen on the radio?

[Gail 8588]

9 hours ago, Gator M said:

More Disney-ESPN  fun.

I went to Grad School at LSU.  They play FSU tonight...ESPN...Still BLOCKED.

I gotta love this 

It was on ABC you should have been able to get that.  But as it turned out you may feel fortunate that you didn't have to witness it.

[Gail 8588]

I'm not an FSU fan, but I live here in Tallahassee.  FSU looked pretty darn impressive, especially as compared to the Gators on Thursday.😒

[shawnt]

I live in the boonies, haven't locked my doors in 25 years, no point they can just kick a door in or smash a window , no one would hear it, any neighbour would be way to far. Everything I have can be replaced except you all know what can never be replaced its why we are here.

[widower2]

46 minutes ago, shawnt said:

I live in the boonies, haven't locked my doors in 25 years, no point they can just kick a door in or smash a window , no one would hear it, any neighbour would be way to far. Everything I have can be replaced except you all know what can never be replaced its why we are here.

Yes but many crooks would rather not take the chance of bashing in a door or window and

- setting off an alarm
- you being armed
- facing an angry dog
- anything that otherwise is a threat.

To each their own but I don't know why anyone wouldn't lock their home and car when away from it, esp as it takes almost no effort to do

[KayC]

I rarely do.  I live in a neighborhood where we look out for each other. The people across the street  look down upon my property.  It's not like the city or even the small town nearby.  If someone wanted in, all I'd have to show for it is a busted door.

[Gator M]

I just got slammed again.  My arbitration is set for SEPTEMBER 2024...that's a year from now.

And now I'm told, LA doesn't pay out much for pain and suffering.

This is BAD.

[KayC]

We can only change what is within our power.   I'm sorry you're taking this hit.

[widower2]

Man I'm sorry to hear that. That's a long time to wait!

[Jemiga70]

On 9/11/2023 at 1:58 PM, Gator M said:

they know they can drag this out.

In a similar position with my wife's life insurance.  It's not in their interest to pay because they are EARNING INTEREST on the sum.  Why would they rush to pay ME?  I feel like a fool for having believed they'd do the right thing. I see no evidence of anything happening any time soon, so I've decided to put it out of my mind.  It would have been better had my wife's employer never mentioned the policy to me.  At least I'd have saved the stress. Oh and by the way, the lawyer who gathered all the documents for the insurance claim, her fee is $13K. So my wife dies and I'm in the hole 13 grand. Beautiful. What a beautiful world.

[foreverhis]

9 hours ago, Jemiga70 said:

It's not in their interest to pay because they are EARNING INTEREST on the sum. 

I’m not sure if this is state-specific, but in California, life insurance companies are required to pay the interest earned from the date of loss. When John’s insurer paid, our daughter (she got a small percentage outright) and I received the base amount plus 6 months of interest. I think it was 4.5% in 2018.

OTOH, I never was able to get them to pay what the full amount of the policy should have been (long , upsetting story) and finally gave up. They know we’re struggling just to get through the day and take advantage of that.

At least my interactions with the banks were seamless. And changing the beneficiary on my life insurance through work was easy to do online. It is moot now because that policy ended the day I turned 65 last month.

Harder was speaking with a retirement benefits advisor to start the paperwork on my small—quite small, but I will be happy to have it!—pension. Up comes the question that must be answered, just in case I remarried: Single or married? Even after 5 years, my brain stuttered and I replied, “Oh…um…well, single.” I explained and he was quite understanding, apologizing for having to ask because he had my file, which included John’s death certificate. So weird because still I feel married, but the legalities of pensions don’t even have “widowed” as an option.

[shawnt]

Yeah I hate that one. I had to change an emergency contact recently " and is this still your wife's contact info" should have anticipated it but it really hurt.

My downer thought lately is how sensitive my emotions have become. I cried over a news story. My heart may becoming that of an 11 year old girl. How will I ever take it if something tragic happens in my real life? 

[KayC]

2 hours ago, shawnt said:

I had to change an emergency contact recently " and is this still your wife's contact info" should have anticipated it but it really hurt.

I remember going through that, I think we all have, yes, it hurt badly.

 

54 minutes ago, Gator M said:

We may always be this way IMO.

When George died I cried so much my tear ducts dried up, the doctor put me on artificial tears to lubricate my eyes!  Over the years I rarely cry, I mean REALLY rare!  But you can cry on the inside.

[foreverhis]

11 hours ago, KayC said:

When George died I cried so much my tear ducts dried up, the doctor put me on artificial tears to lubricate my eyes!  Over the years I rarely cry, I mean REALLY rare!  But you can cry on the inside.

A few months after John died, I started having weird episodes of burning eye pain, usually more in my right eye and sometimes lasting for several hours, that felt as if someone had poured acid in them (well, how I imagine it would feel).

When I saw my ophthalmologist, he explained that tears from crying, particularly those from stress or grief, are chemically different from our regular eye moisture.  Instead of lubricating and soothing, they're highly saline, contain protein-based hormones, and are abrasive.  I had cried so much for so long that my corneas had micro pitting.  Every time I cried, which was every darn day many times, my tears were irritating my corneas further and making the pitting worse.

He put me on artificial gel tears and a moisture "goo" for bedtime.  I don't need them as much now because I don't cry for hours every day.

[widower2]

Huh. I wonder if that's why I have these big ol bags under my eyes now and if any of that could help.

[LMR]

I didn't know that grief tears are different.

I lost my eyelashes from crying so much. They are just getting to look normal again after three years. I still cry but mostly on the  inside, not the weeping for hours on end like I used to.

[KayC]

6 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I had cried so much for so long that my corneas had micro pitting. 

Thank you for explaining this more fully, my eye doctor didn't but that makes sense.

6 hours ago, widower2 said:

Huh. I wonder if that's why I have these big ol bags under my eyes now and if any of that could help.

I doubt they could hurt, just find ones that feel comfortable to your eyes and avoid Systane (under recall).

[shawnt]

I still cry every day, it is exhausting and makes it hard to drive. Still have my eyelashes but do need drops some days. I also didn't know there was different tears.

[Sparky1]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

and avoid Systane (under recall).

 Systane is what the opthalmologist ordered after my cataract surgery and it didn't seem to do anything. I went to see my optometrist cousin and she recommended the Bausch and Lomb Dry Eye Therapy drops. They help a lot better and don't irritate my eyes. Walmart carries it and it's not too expensive.