Loss of a Mother

[justgabby]

I have no idea how I found this site .... but I am so glad I did.Just knowing I'm not alone is a huge help to me right now.Tomorrow will be the hardest day of my life.Tomorrow my brother and I have to say 'Goodbye' to Mum.

The hospital called me on the morning of the 12th of this month to tell me that Mum wasn't so good.I left London at 2oclock and drove as fast as I dared to get to her(the hospital is around 2 hour drive)When I got there,I was taken into a small office just off the ward.I didn't make it on time.Mum had passed away before I could get through the traffic.I just pray that she knew I was trying to be with her...

There's just me and my brother left now.For his sake, I have to be strong tomorrow,but right now,I am howling inside.

I love you Mum. and miss you so much.

[Kelly]

Hi all,

Vicki is new to our boards. I am helping her out by posting her email she sent to me up her on the boards per her request.

Hi Kelly...I really don't know where to start, except for the fact I wonder if life will ever feel normal again.Well in October we found out that my mom had cancer through out her body and the tumor was in her brain,after just retiring in June. It was so devastating. My mom and I were very,very close. I really don't know what to do without her.they gave her 8 weeks to 3 months to live. All they could do for her was 10 radiation treatments to her brain. she did those and hadn't been doing to bad, but as the Holidays drew near you could see her slipping very quickly. On News Years Eve she took a fall and that really brought her down. Mom was a very determined women and very strong willed. Hospice said they had never seen no one like her before...she had been 35 days without food. I think she was determined to make it through January because there were a lot of special birthdays in that month.my sister and I took care of her night and day from the 1st of January until the morning of the 30 th of January on which the angels called for her.It was so hard ,but I knew we could do it and we did. Hospice always complimented of how wonderful of a job we were doing.My mom and I were not only mother and daughter but very best friends. I dream about her every night. It just will not let me rest no matter how hard I try. I am just numb. I feel as if I am in my own shell 90% of the time.It still does not seem real.And that was almost like the beginning and the end.

Let me explain: My dad had been sick for quit some time and Hospice started caring for him about a month and 1/2 before my mom passed. My sister and I knew Daddy was bad, but they said after my mom passed he begin declining rapidly. My dad left my mom 19 years ago when I was 27 years old, but he regretted it from that day on. He use to sit and tell us girls how much he still loved our mom and how bad he screwed up. Well my sister and I both knew it would not be long after mom passed that daddy would to. they admitted him to the Hospice center on Tuesday April 25th...we were with him every day, but it was so different from the way it was with mom, not meaning easier ..just different.He had fibromialgia, neuro-opathy, and congestive heart failure. well he passed away May 6th in my arms looking straight into my eyes. God ,it was so hard. I had the hospice minister come pray with us for I could see my dad needed that. He was having a real hard time letting go and coming to terms that God had forgiven him..I could just it in his face. I told him it was okay to let go, go be with mom, that is where you want to be. Just shortly then while the Minister and I talked to dad, he let go. So now I feel like an Adult Orphan. I guess they may sound silly, but I lost both my parents with in 13 weeks. It just seems so unreal and like a bad nightmare and I can not wake up. I had to start counseling when we found out about mom and have been on anti-depressants and then when she passed I started a support group at Hospice and then dad was there and passed the 3rd week towards the end of our group. I don't know what to do..I don't sleep right, one minute I am angry and then sad and then confused and then I just cry at the drop of a dime. I really don't know how much I can take.

There was one thing good happen out of all of this. My daughter had been trying to get pregnant for 1 1/2 year and they found it was her husband. they decided to give up when mom became sick and decided to later try artificial insimanation. Well 2 weeks before my mom passed , she called my daughter to her bedside ,which by the way she was always kind of mom's favorite..and ask when did the doctor say the baby would be here. We all just kind of looked at each other and my daughter replied when God wants it to happen Granny it will...That is what everyone called her even though she was only 66. Well any way my daughter found out 1 week later she was pregnant and had no clue. my mom and I had a lot of special talks and time to our selves before she went. They are moments I will never forget.Well I just don't know what to do to help get through this and well my husband don't really understand because he and his family are not close at all...he keeps telling me to get over it and get on with our lives. I sure wished it was that easy.

P.S if you can help or be there for me to talk to e-mail or put this in the boards, I feel very much the need to be with others that understand and are going through the same thing.

I could go on and on about them, but i fell I have let you know about where I am with this.

Thank You Vicki

[septemberspain]

Hi Vicki,

I am so sorry that you have endured so much in such a short time. Trust Kelly on this one she has delivered you to a great bunch of people here that know and has experienced the same sadness of losing someone who you never thought you would be without. I'm just sorry that you are experiencing this. Even though this board has been quiet lately, there is always someone here and the good thing is whether you are angry, crying or just plain going thru something this board is a wonderful place to let it out! I've been coming here since the death of my own mom almost 9 months ago and I'll tell you without this board I don't know where I would be today.

I'm sending you wishes for peace and comfort your way today.

Robbin

[septemberspain]

Hi Justgabby, When I first stumbled across this site about 3 weeks after my mom died (9/05) I too tried to figure out how I ended up here on this website especially the part about losing a mother but as I would soon figure out this stumble that I did landed me right smack in the middle of a great bunch of people! As we began to share among ourselves we actually started to think even though our mom's who by the way were a great beautiful bunch of woman (wink) we started to feel as though they all sent us to each other to help us deal with our grief. Yeah I feel like an orphan so to speak (my dad is still living) but my mom's death had really dealt me a hard blow but the people here have all been here for me even when our so called families sent us thru things that you would never expect they were here. So if you ever wonder to yourself again "how did I get here?" Just think of this your mom did cause she knows how hard this is for you right now!

Robbin

[totallylost]

Hi Vicki,

I am so sorry that you have endured so much in such a short time. Trust Kelly on this one she has delivered you to a great bunch of people here that know and has experienced the same sadness of losing someone who you never thought you would be without. I'm just sorry that you are experiencing this. Even though this board has been quiet lately, there is always someone here and the good thing is whether you are angry, crying or just plain going thru something this board is a wonderful place to let it out! I've been coming here since the death of my own mom almost 9 months ago and I'll tell you without this board I don't know where I would be today.

I'm sending you wishes for peace and comfort your way today.

Robbin

[totallylost]

Septemberspain, Thank You so much for letting me know there are people out there for me that is in the samre situation, not that I wish this on anyone but it does help to know that you are not in this devastation time of your life alone. thank you for sending me peace. Last night was our last Hospice group and I felt I was loosing a part of my family once again.I just hope it does get easier as time goes by.It is nice to have someone to talk to that understands.

Thank You

Vickie

[josephb]

are you out there,Connie?

[septemberspain]

Joseph, I was wondering the same thing

[josephb]

well i start at the juinor college june 19 and im thinking about going into counseling instead of becoming a physical therapist as it would take less time to complete and i could learn about what i find interesting

[Guest Guest]

Hi, I just stumbled onto this site and I am glad I did! I was just reading the post from Vicki and thought I was reading something I wrote. Last October my Mom started acting \"not quite right\" she was tired a lot, but still working. She was only 55, but she was so tired, then she started forgetting words. I thought she had a stroke. She refused to go to the hospital,I was finally able to convince her to go to the E.R. We got there, she seemed like she was drunk, ( she didn\'t drink at ALL ) she was stumbling and looked confused. I told the nurse that I think my Mom had a stroke and she just yelled at my Mom for getting up and walking around. Then my Mom refused treatment and I was crying in the middle of the emergency room asking for help. I\'m like \" can\'t you SEE something is obviously wrong with her? I\'m scared, I don\'t know what to do! \"

The nurse shrugged her shoulders! Then when I asked her to page my Mom\'s doctor, she refused!

I brought my Mom home to my house, even though she insisted on going home. I knew I couldn\'t leave her alone. I explained to her that she had to stay with me for the night because I thought she had a stroke. She got angry and started to try to walk home. After 2 hours of arguing, I got fed up and told my husband to take her home.

Then she stopped answering the phone, answering the door and didn\'t go to work. I called the paramedics and had them break in and take her to the hospital. That's when the doctor told me that she had lung cancer that spread to her brain. She had 8 tumors in her brain. She left us on December 16th of 2005. It all happened so fast, I think I am still in shock. Thanks for letting me tell some of my story. Ann789 ( I just registered, don't know why I'm showing up as guest ) Thanks again

[Guest Guest]

Hey everyone. I am new to this site. I thought I would try it out because nothing I do seems to be working.

I lost my mother on December 5th, 2005 from an aneurysm. I am only 15 years old and I loved my mother so much it\'s unexplainable. My father and I don\'t really get along either. Whenever we talk about something he starts to yell and alwyas thinks about what\'s best for him, and he never seems to understand. I know it\'s hard for him also, but he has to learn that he\'s not the only one dealing with it. When my mother died I also lost my brother. He didn\'t die, but he moved away to get away from everything. We were so close, it\'s more like we were best friends than sibilings. I can\'t talk to my friends about anything because I know they don\'t understand. I have thought about everything from running away to suicide. Along with my mom\'s death, a great deal of decisions are ahead of me and my dad.

If anyone would like to talk to me, please e-mail me at deyna_saari@hotmail.com or just reply on here.

[josephb]

where is everyone?

[clittlelady]

JOSEPH: Yes, I'm here my Friend. Just been kept away from the computer for a while. Computer woes and more recently, my husband has become ill and I'm trying to help get the best medical attention. Long story, but so far, everything is beginning to look up. I'm so proud you're closer to your goals. I feel in my heart you're going to succeed, you're going to make a difference in the lives of many.

There are so many new names here. It grieves me that we all have this common ground of loss, but we do. To all of YOU NEWCOMERS: This is a wonderful place of rest and comfort and support from people who have lived through exactly what you're each going through now. There are so many different phases of grief. My precious little Mother has been gone eight and a half months now and I can truly say, I've been to the bottom and I'm not there anymore. There are still highs and lows and tears. There is no bond as that of a mother and her child, no matter what the ages of either.

This Journey is a strange one at times, but yet, it is one we are all destined to take. To you, our 15 year old GUEST, God only knows what your Father is feeling right now. You can't grieve as he and he can't feel your grief. I know you need him now more than ever. It sounds like he is a place all of his own right now and it isn't anything against you, he just can't help himself. I pray he sees your pain as well, soon. We can only take one day at a time or even better than that, moment by moment for now. You're entitled to cry. You're entitled to feel the hurt. You do need to vent and that's where this place is a shoulder for you, if you need it. I'm sorry your brother isn't around right now. I guess it's a time of each trying to survive. Just know this, YOU WILL. You will never be the same, you will always feel the loss of your Mother, but YOU WILL be strong again. Your Mother would want you to, right? Now, you must live your life to Honor her memory. Make her time she was here count for something, let her live on through you. You, as the other friends here are in my prayers. God Bless.

[suelowe]

it's been 2 years now, i have very mixed feelings about my mum. there are things i'm starting to come to terms with in my past experiences, but i'm also getting scared. i'm scared because her death is becoming more and more realistic. i don't want to believe it, ever. i want her with me so damn much. i'm getting feelings of dislike towards her, then i say sorry to her then i yearn for her. more like triple whammy, rather than double whammy.

i hope there's someone out there....

sue

[clittlelady]

DEAR SUELOWE:

I wish this pain would not visit us so frequently. However, since it does, we must remind ourselves that WE are still alive. WE are still HERE. We must feel these feelings to get THROUGH them. That's the goal. To get through them. Missing the ones we loved so dearly is a candle that must always burn in our heart, but at the same time we have to find some pattern to put our life back together and live to honor the memory of the person we lost. I don't know if that makes sense, but in losing my Mother eight months ago, and a brother when he was 37, I seem to get up each morning and dedicate myself to make the most of this new day I've been given, because they're not here and they can't, I'll do it for me and for them. I hope and pray that your pain will ease as you heal and that what you are coping with will one day not seem so large. Everyday is a challenge. Because we love, we hurt. It's in our makeup and being. Remember though, the precious one that we loved so much and lost, they would want us to make our life the best that we can make it. Some days I'm still confused and angry with my Mother for certain choices she made and it does complicate the grief process. Some days I don't know how to feel. But then again, we were so close and I remember her love and how wonderful that felt. I never realized how complex and what a dysfunctional family I was in until my Mother died. I've been left to cope with many things I'd rather not, but I have to. If I don't, it's me who is affected. I hope you find strength in this new day and your heart continues to mend.

[suelowe]

Dear clittlelady, thank you for replying to me. there are lots of questions i want to ask my mum, relating to my past experiences. sometimes the numbness overwhelms me, i'm even wanting to find out really trivial things like the time she died. it's a very mixed process for me:, i mean, like anyone in different circumstances at the time of losing a loved one, for me it's like trying to face the fact i can't talk to a so-called close friend about my grief, seeing myself in a different way, positive and negative emotions about how i grew up with my mum. i see it as a big mixed bubble that i'm trying to sort, piece by piece.

i guess when we go through grief, in my opinion, we don't realise, well i don't anyway, the 'deep deep down' impact it has on our body, mind and soul, the amount of tears we cry, or just the need to 'find' our loved one in any way shape or form. i'm tearful now typing this. it's funny though, every morning and every night, i look at both my mum and dad and nod (or say) 'morning' or 'ninite', and in my mind, they respond back to me. i talk to them through pictures and i'm allowing myself to feel the pain of grief, although like i say it scares me. maybe it scares me because i simply don't want to face it. i'm beginning to realise now that we have to feel grief bit by bit (or something to that effect) as that's the way, apparently, the body feels ready and able, bit by bit to handle grief.

sorry for going on here, but i just had to say something.

thank you and take care x

sue

[charsmom2]

The one year anniversary is approaching, June 9th. One year ago yesterday she was put on the ventilator with all the intentions as it was to give her time to rest because she was having such a hard time breathing. She was suppose to be off if it in a few short days. We had no clue at that point what was to come. This week has been so hard. I keep replaying everything we were going through last year at this time, the hospital, me finding out I was pregnat and not being able to share the news with my mom like I intended. Last night I had a disturbing dream. My mom was in it, but I don't think it was a visit, know what I mean? Oh this has been so hard. I miss her so much it hurts. I never thought I would travel this road so early in my life. My poor children, one that will barely remember her, each day I feel like his memory of her is fading more and more dispite my efforts and my sweet baby girl, she will never be able to be spoiled by her grandma or most of all be able to meet her grandma(here on earth that is). My mom was such a proud grandma. At least she did have some time to be "grandma", but what a shame she didn't have more time. Now my brother and his wife are expecting. She would have had three grandchildren to spoil! I could go on and on. I am glad the all the first are about over, but there is still so much more that I am going to miss not doing with my mom. I just wish I had one more day to be with her so we could talk.

Thanks for listeing.

[momsbabygirl]

Charsmom,

June 9th is the one year anniversary of my mother's passing too and it's been tough on me too. I just keep thinking of what Friday will be like and then I make myself think of something else. I miss my mom soooo much. I haven't had children yet, but plan to in the next year or so and everytime I think of having a baby without my mom by my side, I hurt so much. She had other grandchildren who are all grown, so my kids would be like having a whole new set of babies to spoil! She loved her kids and grandkids so much and was so proud of each and every one of us....I miss seeing that happiness in her eyes. I guess knowing now that she was feeling sick in the last few months of her life and not enjoying life in the same way makes it a bit easier in that we know that her pain is gone and she isn't suffering anymore, but I just wish she didn't have to leave us to relieve that pain. I hope you can look at your babies and see the wonderful person that your mom was and the legacy that she has left on this Earth....

[septemberspain]

Reading these last post and reflecting on my life as I knew it last year it's hard to comprehend that this time last year my life was about to change I would be making drastic changes to the life that I knew.

I thought that last year this time I still had a lifetime ahead of me to spend with my mom. Now it's coming around again this time instead of planning a trip home to visit my mom I'm living my life without her in her home.

Connie, as always it's pleasure to see you and to read your inspiring thoughts as I read your post I reflected back to our 1st meeting here and how those days and times seemed so dark and cloudy but yet you wrote numerous times about how we had to continue to live on the way our moms and loved ones would want us to. I always saw the cheerleader side of you pushing those of us to fight on and to live our lives. I just wanted to say Thanks. I know that even though I'm only 9 months into this & I can look back and see I'm taking life differently and even more importantly I've learned that I do have to live.

Charsmom, I hear you about thinking back to last year and all that transpired during that time and even though it's still hard as heck to completely wrap my mind around the thought that yeah mom is really gone. I find myself wishing for just one last hug from her. I know that is a wish I may hold forever in my heart but I do know it will happen again.

It's funny how all thru life you go thru experiences and you learn from them. I'm still trying to understand what it is that I have to learn from all this.

[cantbelieveit]

I read and it hard to respond at times, my mind does not want to stay still it races.

I feel for you all my friends I really do.

It is 8 months today since I lost mom and I can not believe it...where did the time go, what have I done, how much my life has changed...I have no answers for it.

I think of her all the time I also can not understand a life without her, plans without her.

Please know everyone that your stories have touched me, helped me and made me know that none of are alone in this even though I know at times we all feel that way.

I will sign off for now but wish some peace for all of us whatever that even means.

[josephb]

hey connie;)im sorry to hear about your husband and hope he gets better. did you ever buy that terry mcbride book again?

[clittlelady]

SUE: You're right, the impact is deeper than I ever imagined a pain could be. This has been a life altering experience for me. I will never be the same. I see so many things differently. I feel differently. I appreciate things more. I love more intense. I choose my words carefully. I have more of a keeping everything in order kind of mentality, because I don't want complexity for my husband and son, should anything happen to me first and they be left to tie up loose ends. Everything has such a surreal feeling. Sometimes I feel like I'm on a completely different page in life than most other people around me, like I know a truth they don't. Strange as it may sound, my Mother's life taught me much, but in her death, she has taught me even more.

I hope your day has been pleasant. God be with you.

CHARSMOM2 AND MOMSBABYGIRL: As you both approach this time of remembrance and reliving your loss, you will remain in my prayers for strength and guidance. We are living legacies of our Mother's love. I, like you have been pondering this time of year last year. I knew my Mother was fading fast and I so remember the feelings of helplessness and the look in her eyes that said she was so weary of this world and her dependance upon others. I had no idea how soon she would leave me. Her last sister died in March of last year and from that point, she gave up. Five months later she was gone. Oddly enough, I use to think, since my Mother was the eldest of eight children, should she pass away, I would have the comfort and love of her sisters to help me through. I could never had imagined, they would have all left before her. No women in my family to share with any longer. Only the memories of the hard working, determined country women as they were linger.

SEPTEMBERSPAIN: To my friend, I have missed you. Yes, there will always be that desire for one last hug, to feel the comfort that only the embrace of a Mother's arms can give. May 30th was nine months for me as well. Some days, it feels as though it happened a lifetime ago, some days it feels like just yesterday that we shared all those gushing, floods of emotions, tears and grief that we have been left to sort through. Funny that you say cheerleader, that takes assertiveness and I was alway the "low profile kid in school", painfully shy and would do nothing to call attention to myself. But my Mother.... She was the cheerleader type gal. I feel some days when I look in the mirror, she is there, in my eyes. Some times I catch myself saying something and I hear her own voice echoing in mine. I guess through all this, I've come to know that we are kindred spirits here and one hurt, is another's hurt. And the answer IS the same for us all, that we DO HAVE TO CONTINUE. My faith has been tested and I believe I'm coming out stronger than I was before. God only knows how much I miss her sometimes sharp tongue which at times could very easily be soothed to a sweet, little darling Mother. I find that here lately, my husband and I can be talking and I'll just have to say it out loud, God, I MISS MY MOM, to which he always lovingly replies, "I know". She left a very large, empty space in my heart. I hope everything else is okay with you. You've been such an encouragement to myself, as well as many others and for that, I thank you, again. I don't know what I would have done, had it not been for this forum, the souls of common ground. Take Care Friend.

CANTBELIEVEIT: Funny how time use to drag by when I was a kid. Funny how it flies by now. Time is a precious gift. We sometimes just assume tomorrow will be there for us or for us to spend with our loved ones. We've learned much through this grief haven't we? I hope and pray all is well with you. It's good to hear from you once again. Take Care.

JOSEPH: Yes, the book is now in my possession once again, but I haven't had the time to pick it up and pick up where I left off. I have three books I've started and none of them finished. That's one of my short term goals. Thanks for the well wishes. Husband is trying to get regulated on two blood pressure meds now and he's not a happy camper. It's always good to hear from you Joseph. You're my special Pal. Take Care. Talk to you Later.

Connie

[cantbelieveit]

Clittlelady, Thank you for your words. Nice also to hear from you

EVERYONE!..... I am trying to respond I am not one to usually be at a loss for words.....! Smile...but lately every step I take is an effort, I am so down and sluggish one minute then a little itty burst of energy the next. You see I have always suffered from depression so why now with my mom gone would it be any easier right, it is just a game I have yet to master...with my emotions....

I am a work in progress. This however, does not ever stop me from thinking of you all and knowing that someday the sun will shine again for us all. No life will never be the same but we all have to believe we will go on. I know how hard it is my friends. I know that we are all coping, dealing or not, in our own way...still it is nice to have this board.

I am greatful for all of you who come and share your stories. Please keep posting.

[septemberspain]

Cantbelieveit I'm sending you a Cyber Hug. Grief within it's own self is enough depression without adding anything to it. I trust that a little relief comes your way soon. I'm still FORCING myself daily to do things I went back to work thinking that would help me but nope...... It's a daily struggle still! I'm holding you in my thoughts and prayers that you will find some peace and comfort. Take care of yourself!

Hey Connie, so nice to hear from you! I'm honestly thinking about moving again! This house holds tooo many memories. Would you believe that I still haven't unpacked my things. It's just way to hard here (at my mom's house) and I'm starting to feel like I don't "fit" here anymore. I just want to add space and distance to my already confused life.(Like that's gonna help lol) Maybe a change of scenery might snap me back to "real life". I honestly don't know much of anything anymore. How is your son doing? I'm trusting all is well. Take care of yourself and don't stay away soooo long (smile)

Tonight, I'm wishing a peaceful night's sleep to all. Take Care of yourselves!

[cantbelieveit]

Septemberspain, Thank you so much that hug felt great. I also thank you for your thoughts and prayers, I really do appreciate. I also wish for you some peace and better days ahead. WE could all use some rest and rejuvenation that is for sure. You take care of yourself.

I will check in again soon.

[eulaha]

Dear Mom,

I miss you so much it hurts. I don't understand why you had to go away. Did you know you had heart problems, and you just didn't want to tell me? Or, was your heart attack a total surprise? Were you in any pain? I hope not. I don't think I could live with myself if I knew you were in pain, and I wasn't there to help you.

I can still hear your voice. I can still see your face. I feel your presence everyday. But, I want to SEE you. I want to TOUCH you. I dream about you all the time. In some of my dreams you are alive, and we are talking together. My mind plays tricks on me. I wake up, and when I find you are not there I feel so bad inside.

I want to talk to you about so much. I want to get your opinion on some of my plans. I want you to be proud of me. I want to be your little girl once again.

Mom, wherever you are, please know that I love you! And I still speak of you in the PRESENT TENSE, because I know you are not far from me. I love you so much, and I'm sorry I wasn't there during your final moments on this earth.

[momsbabygirl]

eulaha ~

Reading your post was like reading my very own thoughts, right down to the questions about your mother's heart problems. My mother died one year ago today due to a heart attack and we have all asked the same questions of whether or not she knew she was sick or if she was in pain at that final moment. That's what hurt the most in the first few days after her passing (and still); thinking that she might have been in any amount of pain and no one was there to help her through it as she passed in the middle of the night. I just kept saying to everyone, "I hope she wasn't in a lot of pain. I hope she wasn't hurting too much." According to the medical examiner, it was a very quick passing. She had an aneurism that burst as a result of the heart attack and he said that she would have passed out within 15-30 seconds of the heart attack starting...that's been somewhat of a comfort.

I thought today was going to be horrible, but today is also my mother's birthday so that is helping a bit. Knowing that today was the day she was put on this earth makes me smile and think happy thoughts of our time together and all of the things my mother did in her lifetime.

Charsmom ~ if you're reading this today, I hope you're doing ok and getting through today as best as possible.

Mom ~ I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU MORE THAN ANYONE CAN KNOW!

[Guest Guest]

HELLO EVERYONE,

I HAVE BEEN GREIVING MY MOTHER FOR 22 YEARS NOW,YOU WOULD THINK IT WOULD GET EASIER, I'M NOT SO SURE IN MY CASE. I WAS SO YOUNG WHEN MY MOM DIED THAT I NOW FIND IT HARDER AND HARDER TO KEEP UP WITH THE MEMORIES, THERE WERE SO FEW, BECAUSE WE ONLY HAD 10 SHORT YEARS TOGETHER. I THINK OF HER AND MISS HER DAILY. RECENTLY A VERY SPECIAL FAMILY LOST THEIR MOTHER AND I JUST WANT THEM TO KNOW THAT THEY ARE THE VERY DEFINITION OF FAMILY AND TO CLING TO EACH OTHER AND LOVE AND SUPPORT EACH OTHER. MARY JO IS WITH CURT AND THEY ARE ENJOYING BEING TOGETHER AGAIN. CELEBRATE HER LIFE AND KNOW THAT YOU ALL ARE TRUELY LUCKY TO HAVE HAD A MOTHER LIKE MARY JO. YOU WILL BE IN MY PRAYERS AND MY THOUGHTS.

[josephb]

well i start the university monday and i wish my mom would have been alive to see it.i was planning on starting out at a junior college and then transfering to the university but the junior college would not process my finanical aid( i had to file for a dependency override because of mom passing away and i have not had contact with my father in years besides seeing him once in hospice which i told him to leave)i am nervous about college but hopefully i will make my mom proud. i went down to my moms nursing home, looking for one of her friends but he had just moved out a few weeks before and they cannot release any of his information to me.i talked to a nurse who was taking care of my mom so that helped me some

hope everyone is doing well

[josephb]

also i dont have any tattoes but im thinking about getting "mom" on my back.my mom had my name which is also her dads name on her left forearm

[septemberspain]

Hey Joseph Good Luck on Monday!!!!! I feel you are making your mom really proud of you! I too thought about getting my mom's name tattoed on me as well. I already have one and let's just say that my skin and the iodine didn't get along too well, it took twice as long to heal, but I think when I do the next one if any pain should come along with it it would be worth it.

Well take care and stop in to give me updates on how things are going.

Until next time,

Robbin

[josephb]

a lot of things i feel bad about i have been going over these the most

when my mom was in hospice on a sunday 12/11/05 it was her birthday and me and my grandmother went to see her but only stayed for 2 hours because my mom threw water on me and my grandmother(her mom) got mad and said we are leaving i should have stayed but i didnt.my mom went into a coma that tuesday and then died friday night

my mom had called me one day in october( i had just had my surgery)she was seeing how things were and we endin of fighting( i think because i didnt tell her i loved her which i dont know why i did that i was mad i guess)so she hung up on me and then would later call back so i hung up on her and then the third time she called she left a message on the answering machine saying she was at the end stage of her disease and i would not be notifly of her death.

i did not believe her. i thought she was trying to make me feel bad and i called her crazy to my grandmother and her husband which they said the same

around this time we did not hear from her anymore(from what i know she was in and out of a hospital) i or my grandma made a remark "well she must be dead" in reference to us not hearing from her

then december 1 05 i got a called from a social worker asking for my moms next of kin.i called her back and found out mom was in the hospital and would be going to hospice so i went up to the hospital to see her(grandma husband gave me a ride as my grandma was working).when i first saw her i started to cry but then the social workers were talking about mom going back to nursing home under hospice care( so i thought that meant she would be all right) my mom even said she was going to be ok.the social workers told me they needed me to sign some papers and i told them i had to be some where( which i lied and dont know why i wanted to leave i wish i would have stayed now knowing what i know)so i left and even appologize to my grandmas husband for having to take me to the hospital which pisses me off so much that i did that.they sent my mom back to the nursing home but she got there she was still having problems so she went back into the hospital and then into hospice the next day

i would stay with her on and off for the next two weeks until she passed away some nights i stayed and others i didnt( now i wish i would have spent all my time with her and even been there when she passed away instead of leaving her earlier in the day because i didnt want to see her die)

why did i do and act the way i did?

[cantbelieveit]

Josephb,

Try not to be hard on yourself, you did and said things and you may wish you hadn't...remember you were under alot of stress. Your mom was ill and that is hard to deal with. Your mom loves you and wouldn't want you to feel bad.

You are young and having to deal with all of this sure has not been easy for you but you are an inspiration with how you at least talk (write) about your feelings and the decisions you are making for yourself have seemed to be good ones. Your mom wants you to go on and be happy.....she is proud I am sure of you starting school.

Congratulations on that decision. That is a great step.

My sister and I did get tattoo's in honor of our mom. That was something I am glad I did I had none before that either.

I hope your day went well.

[josephb]

thank you cantbelieveit. i try not to be hard on myself but looking back at everything and knowing how it turned out its kinda hard not to.i had english today and the teacher seems pretty cool as he let us go an hour before class was going to end and all we did was introduce ourselves so hopefully college will not be as hard as i though

[septemberspain]

Hey Joseph, I agree with cantbelieveit, When you are under alot of stress and there is uncertainity about things going on that you don't know what the outcome will be, Yeah it's alot easier to look back and wish that certain actions never took place. But you can't blame yourself or allow guilt to come in and overtake your thoughts. I'm quite sure you along with half the worlds population wish we can change what we said or did but unfortunately we just have to take it all in stride. I've learned alot of valuable lessons especially in the choices and actions that I did during the course of time when handling my mom's sickness and of course her death. I too wish I can change some of the things that happened but I can't and I've sort of labeled them as "lessons learned". I found that for myself it made my grieving and loss so much more difficult. I now try to handle stressful crap differently and I avoid making life altering choices. No, it hasn't always been easier but I've learned to accept things as the choices that I made. I even now to this very day try to make up to my mom things that I feel I didn't do while she was here with me cause I believe that she see's me doing things now that I never thought I would do, & that's only because of the lessons I learned through out this whole ordeal.

I feel that you are making your mom proud by continuing on to live and to reach your goals. I feel she sees that and I would even bet that she has sent you her approval thru things that you had happen concerning you.

Even though our mom's may not be here with us their spirit continues to shine thru in all that they have taught us. And even more importantly she knows you love her and she's proud to have a SON like you.

Take care

Robbin

[josephb]

robbin,

i dont understand what lesson i was supposed to learn from all this?if anything i learned how bad i treated my mom and i should have done more to help her.i understand you are supposed to forgive yourself for things you wish you had not said or done but i dont think it was right how everything ended.i loved her with all my heart and soul and i know she felt the same but as a teen we butted heads.i obviously was a really immature teen as i did not like doing stuff for her like making something to eat or drink.i was off drinking and doing drugs with my teen friends just because everyone else was doing the same. i should have been home taking care of my mom and not argueing with her or causing her stress.i know this is all in hindsight but it would have been nice now that im older, off drugs, and more mature to have had a few years to have a better relationship,workout our problems,and to treat her better than what i had with her since i turned 15 years which is when it all started going downhill

Robbin,your words do help but i think this(how things happen) will be a never ending pain and hurt that will be with me for the rest of my life

[cantbelieveit]

Josephb......I really am sorry I hate to see you have these feelings. I think looking back we all wish we could change something, especailly you being younger it makes you feel bad that you acted like MANY teens do. The great thing is you are not drinking and doing drugs. You are a young man who is now attending college. Your mom is surely proud, I am not a parent but I know parents love you unconditionally...............

I know you have to feel how you feel and it may take time for you to see things in another way, that is fine. This message and this board in general is to share our feelings and give feedback to our family in need. You take a minute to think of the good, the things you have and will accomplish. I feel for you loosing our loved ones is just so hard. I think you are moving ahead and doing the right things in your life.

I am glad to hear you enjoyed your first day of college, keep us posted. I am thinking of you.

[eulaha]

Hello All,

Well I am in the midst of planning a trip to Calfornia, to gather with my family to scatter my mother's ashes. I was looking forward to going, but now I am getting depressed over the whole thing. I'm not sure if I'm ready to go back to California. The last time I was there was back in September, at my mother's funeral.

Am I a bad person for not wanting to go back to California? Not right now at least...

[momsbabygirl]

eulaha ~ I felt exactly the same way last year at Christmas time when I went back home for the first time. I was a mess in the months after her passing and especially in the weeks leading up to the trip. My husband and I went on a trip in the beginning of Dec. and I was so not into that trip and I was lashing out at him for no reason at all...very much out of character for me. Once I was actually back in the town where my mother lived and in the house where she died (the part I dreaded the most), I felt very comforted and have felt good since. It was as if I found some sort of peace there. I hope you find that peace as well....I wish you well in your journey (both the physical and emotional journey).

[cantbelieveit]

I just want to check in and say that it has been tough...I have had a a rough few weeks, being without mom a job and the vicious circle continues. I can't stop it this feeling of emptiness.... but I try, try, try...I am not even sure what to say or how to put in words...I guess I want my Beyond family to just say a little prayer for me. I will do the same for you all. Sometimes I just can not help but feel so down and I know all of you here know just what I mean. Day to day even minute to minute these feelings change.....

[Guest Guest]

Hi my name is Jess im new here..I dont know where to begin really..Its been a super long journey..The women i lost was my stepmom..But my birth mother was a horrible person..So in reality i lost my mother last week june 6th 2006..I havent had alot of crying yet im a very emotional person so i fear i may breakdown unexpectedly..She was very sick i went through alot this year.We almost lost her in january while we were waiting for a liver..She was very ill all of 2005 and 2006..She got her transplant and made it through Jan 3..We were feeling many feelings..But a few weeks later she wasnt doing good she was still filling up with fluids..so they went in removed part of teh liver it was dead..the connection of her new liver were to small..Her blood pressure was to low to make it to her new liver..So she was on many meds..She was out of it for weeks..She then began to do very well so wel we talked of sending her ot rehab..Then she took a turn for teh worst a major infection went through her body it was bacterial meningitis..We began praying by this time it was 1 month and a hlf she had been in there..She then got better but was still filling with fluid tehy ahd to do another small operation..It was hard she beged us to take her home all teh time and she was still on teh ventilator.But she could not go to rehab till she got off the ventilator..She started wilting awaya d losing major weight and then the ned of may she began to lose hope and get very sad and crya lot..The beginning of June tehy said she had ICU Phsychosis..Now june 6th of last week i was asked to coem to teh hospitla it was time she wanted to go..I went in adn first reaction was to tell her i didnt wnat her to go and she being teh strong fighter she is looked up at me i read her lips saying knock it off..I couldnt belive she was ready..She made her wishes and demands..I couldnt stay for the lost momenst leading up to her passing i flet sick and i felt liek being alone..Today i miss her so mcuh but dont feel ive yet to feel the right emotions and it scares me..I think soemtimes maybe its cause she not suffering anymore..But i cnat get the images out of my head..

[momsbabygirl]

Guest,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my mother last year on June 9th to a sudden heart attack in the middle of the night. For months after her passing, I too had the images of what her death must have been like and the scene at the funeral home in my head and these images would not leave for the first month or so and would come to me at the strangest moments. I was like you in that I was upset in the first few weeks, but it wasn't until 5 months later when I let myself relax that I got really emotional...to the point that I was being really mean to my husband who was not doing anything out of the ordinary. I would snap at him for nothing and then I went through a time of a few weeks where I didn't talk to him at all and when I did, I would give him one word answers in a really rude tone of voice.

This is a very difficult time for you and the journey you are now on is not going to be easy. I've found this board to be very helpful and have used it as a sort of diary. I post my feelings and thoughts and read the other posts which help me feel not so alone in what I'm going through. I wish you luck in this journey and just know that we are here for you...whether to just listen or to give our thoughts and advice.....

[jhannon]

Thanks for your kind words moms baby girl keep in touch..

[josephb]

college has not been too bad i do have a 7 page rough draft about something in my life due monday though.im exciting about my future and all of my goals i will accomplish

hope everyone is doing well

[cantbelieveit]

Josephb, I am so happy for you, keep up the good work, you sound so positive. That made me so happy to read. Good for you.

[josephb]

im still working on the paper. 6 written pages are only 3 typed. how are you doing cantbelieveit?

[cantbelieveit]

Hello everyone,

Josephb, I am doing ok, thank you for asking. I have had some hard days lately but I try everyday to do something no matter how small. I am trying to get into shape, I need to focus on me for a while. Again, I am so happy about you and school. Please keep posting we are all here for you.

Guest I am sorry for your loss, please just know that we are all here for you. This board is a wonderful place to come to share or just read. Take it easy on yourself.

Eulaha....I hope you are ok. Your letter to your mom touched my heart I felt like you were writing my thoughts.

Septemberspain....How are you?

Dee...miss you lots, Littlebug how are you these days.

Momsbabygirl....Hello and how are you?

[septemberspain]

Joseph, I am so sorry in the delay of getting back to you on our conversation (I actually wrote back the next morning but I lost it due to this sites 30 minute feature) I can understand and I do respect your feelings regarding what "lesson" you could learn from all that has happened to you. I wasn't trying to imply that I was expressing how life takes you thru things and when faced with something totally new to you, you do things and you act upon things based on your feelings and emotions at that time it's occuring. And later when you are reflecting on that event you say wow I should have did this or maybe I should have acted that way. Then later on you find yourself in another similar situation your reactions may differ. That to me is a lesson. I am glad to hear about school sorry about the long paper though (LOL). It just does my heart good to see and read about our "family" here especially with all that we have shared with each other. And even though I've never met anyone here personally I care and I do think of you all when I'm not on here hunting and pecking (my typing skills smile) And Joseph you are the same age as my oldest nephew (my mom's second grandkid) and I see what and how losing my mom/his grandmom has affected him so I really do look forward to hearing from you and it makes me smile to see how much you have done in this hard time. So when you come to this forum and express yourself yeah you do have your own "fan club" so with that being said I'll talk to you later (Hopefully you got that paper typed) LOL!

Robbin

[septemberspain]

Hey everyone (waving at you all)

Cantbelieveit (((Hugs to you))) The last few times I've come here to read I've seen you here and I somewhat knewing the pain you were writing of. I have been having a really hard time too especially with the one year mark of learning my mom was terminal it's been hard & me trying to regain a little bit of my "old self" I was just looking for a way to ditch it. Unfortunately I think Grief is like those new GPS systems no matter where you are It will find you and come retrieve it's spot in your life (I'm sorry I'm not trying to be sarcastic) I've just got a really weird sense of explaining things. I wanted to respond but I couldn't find the words to let you know I was here for you. So how are you??? I'm praying for some comfort for you.

Hi Jess, welcome to this place of comfort. I am sorry for the loss of your mom. This place is a comfort to many here there is always someone around either silently or expressing themselves I'm sorry that you have to be here but it's a comforting place when you can let you emotions go. It has helped me so much to know in this crazy world that someone else understands the crazy emotions that grief bring.

Hey Momsbabygirl, How have you been it's been a while. How is the family???

Eulaha your letter to your mom was beautiful I know your mom felt lucky to know that she raised a beautiful strong woman.

Connie How are you??

Dee how is the new surroundings coming along I miss you and I'm hoping that you are NOT over doing it trying to get settled. I can only pray that you are having some peace and comfort

Littlebug??????????? How is things going I only have 3 more months before my cyber neice makes her grand entrance. (giggling)

Well, I'm off to do some productive things with my life, like curling up and sleeping for a moment

Take care of yourselves,

Robbin

[cantbelieveit]

Septemberspain.........Thank you! Hugs and good thoughts to you also. I know exactly what you mean, I feel like you can not run and you can not hide and bam the (Grief Reaper) is back in your face. I appreciate your humor I use humor much of the time of course we know humor is not the feeling we feel about our losses.........I am ok, it comes and goes, minutes of being busy then hours of feeling down or the other way around but never, ever out of my mind the thoughts I have of mom. It is so hard, and feels unreal like mom where are you why are you not back from that vacation. To not be able to talk to her, hear her voice etc. I know that you and everyone on this board knows what I am talking about.

Josephb don't forget to check in. I know soon you will be busy with school work but we are all here for you and wishing you the best. You take care of yourself.

Peace to you all my family.