Lots Of Stress And Grief While Starting New Life

[foreverhis]

19 hours ago, steveb said:

You will last tnd.  You are an incredible human being. I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you.  

Hugs and prayers heading your way, 

steve

@tnd Same here!

I know you are in a really difficult, sometimes downright scary, situation right now. Usually I avoid saying this because I got sick of hearing it myself: Please keep going and stay as strong as possible. You will find a place that will be a true refuge; I just know it.

You have gone through so much that is more challenging than many of us have. Keep putting one foot in front of the other until you walk right out that door into your own place.

And nagging “mom” me says to please focus on getting that cell phone. That alone will give you some freedom and protection.((hugs))

[tnd]

19 hours ago, John9 said:

I do talk to her but as we know it is really a one way conversation so it really is more venting because I have more questions than answers.

John9:  Even if we can only vent to them, venting is good. I don't like that they are "one way conversations" either but it allows us to release some of what's inside us. I think some of the stuff rolling around in our heads needs to come out. Some tell it to therapists, some to friends, others to clergy. And some of us, including myself, talk when we can whether anyone is listening or not. I've long talked to myself for years but especially more since losing my husband. 

[John9]

13 minutes ago, tnd said:

John9:  Even if we can only vent to them, venting is good. I don't like that they are "one way conversations" either but it allows us to release some of what's inside us. I think some of the stuff rolling around in our heads needs to come out. Some tell it to therapists, some to friends, others to clergy. And some of us, including myself, talk when we can whether anyone is listening or not. I've long talked to myself for years but especially more since losing my husband. 

tnd,

I understand and I used to joke about talking to myself while at work because it was the only intelligent conversation I had sometimes. Now even with our son "here" he isn't because of work and his life, my loving wife and the Amazon device is all the conversation I have some days, unless I have to call about something or someone calls me about something. I know that venting IS good and that is why I write in my "notebooks" and here.

[tnd]

5 minutes ago, John9 said:

I know that venting IS good and that is why I write in my "notebooks" and here.

John9:  I'd probably be writing in a notebook too except that my hands won't let me do it anymore. Even typing on a keyboard is starting to get a little hard for me. But HA! Finally set things up in my room here so can be on when I want. Nevermind that my "desk" is a stack of plastic tubs, a box, a wooden shelf turned on it's side, a piece of plywood and a 2x4. Talk about "wobbly" times! But seriously, whatever way we can get things out is good for us I think. A counselor once told me that even tho I'd throw them away, my writing letters to talk about what I was going through at the time was a good way to get stuff out. I can no longer handwrite but coming on here has been a blessing. 

[John9]

26 minutes ago, tnd said:

Even typing on a keyboard is starting to get a little hard for me.

tnd,

I'm not sure of the "setup" you have but I know some computers allow you to "talk to type", I know my old phone had it for texting (never got it right) but that might help if it gets so bad. I also know that it is easier when I use the "big" pens instead of the normal ones, my hands don't grip like they did because of arthritis from overuse. My loving wife was starting to have more and more issues with her hands too.

[tnd]

4 minutes ago, John9 said:

I also know that it is easier when I use the "big" pens instead of the normal ones, my hands don't grip like they did because of arthritis from overuse. My loving wife was starting to have more and more issues with her hands too.

John9:  Some days are better than others. For the heck of it, I tried to draw a straight line yesterday. It resembled that of an earthquake caught on a graph. I'm thinking of using small spatulas to eat with just so that by the time it reaches my mouth there will still be some food on it. And remember those "soap on a rope" gift sets kids would get their dads for Christmas? Need I say more? I'm not worried about it. With what I've been through on-top of the grief, everything else seems so small. Guess I am toughening up. 

[tnd]

As a kid, whenever I was out of sorts my mother would get frustrated and tell me to get on my motorcycle and go ride and not come home until I got it out of my system. Later on, as a young woman, it was skydiving. What the heck does a middle-aged grieving woman on oxygen suppose to do? I'm kind of laughing because if I knew there was a way of doing it without the risk of injuring or killing anyone, I'd probably try to get back on a motorcycle. I'm sure my doctors would love that...  

[John9]

4 minutes ago, tnd said:

With what I've been through on-top of the grief, everything else seems so small. Guess I am toughening up. 

tnd,

I think that after a certain point we stop worrying about anyone else and how it might look to them. I am sitting here right now looking like a football player because I have a "thermal" shoulder sleeve that actually fits like a vest and is something I have had for years that "warms" my shoulders and make me be able to move when I sleep. I only wore it around the house when my loving wife and I were going to bed but now I don't care it is sometimes the only way I can move. My loving wife and I thought at some point we both might need shoulder surgery but I won't do it now because it would have been a team effort, whoever had the surgery would NEED the other to do everything at first and I will just suffer until I die. I can still move mostly it is the certain "directions" that catch me off guard sometimes especially when I try to roll over at night, I used to "wake" my loving wife when I would scream from the pain at night while rolling over. I was okay if I didn't move but the least little movement is painful and that is why I said I can't stay in bed all day because all of the aches and pains just catch up after a few hours and moving helps, just not good for sleeping well. But this is my life now and it will be until I can finally have the peace I hope my loving wife has.

2 minutes ago, tnd said:

What the heck does a middle-aged grieving woman on oxygen suppose to do?

tnd,

Scuba dive. HAHA

[tnd]

3 minutes ago, John9 said:

I used to "wake" my loving wife when I would scream from the pain at night while rolling over. I

John9:  My husband and I use to joke about how much noisier we get as we age. I'd tell him that the place sounded like a darn infirmary. And it was just the two of us. Now the cats give me a look as if to say, "You alright, Mama? Hurry up and get comfortable. We'll wait." They're aging too but I don't hear any sounds or noise coming from THEM. Now I wonder if those 18 hour naps they have is their secret. 

 

8 minutes ago, John9 said:

tnd,

Scuba dive. HAHA

I actually saw a picture of a man on O2 in his backyard pool. He had the same machine as I do and took advantage of the 52 long tubing. Great! I have an oxygen machine and 52 long tubing but NO backyard pool! Just figures..

[KayC]

14 hours ago, tnd said:

A counselor once told me that even tho I'd throw them away, my writing letters to talk about what I was going through at the time was a good way to get stuff out.

It's "processing" what we go through, not only in grief but in life.  
Writing As a Healing Tool in Grief
Writing in Grief

tnd, I can't "write" with my hands either, way too painful, typing is easier but still takes it toll after a while...the more I use my hands, the more the pain it seems.  Can't avoid it though.

[Michael M]

14 hours ago, tnd said:

A counselor once told me that even tho I'd throw them away, my writing letters to talk about what I was going through at the time was a good way to get stuff out. I can no longer handwrite but coming on here has been a blessing. 

One year my wife and I wrote down all the positive things that happened in the year as they happened and put them in a jar.  We read them out on new years.  Likewise there was a jar for negative things.  After the year we burned all the negative ones in our firepit without reading them.  It can be cathartic to let go like that.

[KayC]

That is a great idea, @Michael M

[John9]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

tnd, I can't "write" with my hands either, way too painful, typing is easier but still takes it toll after a while...the more I use my hands, the more the pain it seems.  Can't avoid it though.

KayC,

Did you ever see about those gloves I told you about.

1 hour ago, Michael M said:

One year my wife and I wrote down all the positive things that happened in the year as they happened and put them in a jar.  We read them out on new years.  Likewise there was a jar for negative things.  After the year we burned all the negative ones in our firepit without reading them.  It can be cathartic to let go like that.

Michael M,

I think all of my negative ones would burn down the "town". It is a good idea if you can do it though.

[KayC]

Yes, I bought some, the first set I bought I had to return, they didn't reach my wrist where the surgeon did all the damage and they were falling apart before I even tried them on!

[tnd]

On 12/5/2021 at 8:31 AM, Michael M said:

Likewise there was a jar for negative things.  After the year we burned all the negative ones in our firepit without reading them.  It can be cathartic to let go like that.

Michael M:  I like that idea! Especially about reading the positive ones you kept from the year. I would have fun burning the negative stuff. Except I don't know if I could keep the negative ones around until the end of the year. I tend to react fairly quickly when someone or something has angered me. I'll wait until I'm alone but I do have little things I do to release.  

[Michael M]

1 hour ago, tnd said:

Michael M:  I like that idea! Especially about reading the positive ones you kept from the year. I would have fun burning the negative stuff. Except I don't know if I could keep the negative ones around until the end of the year. I tend to react fairly quickly when someone or something has angered me. I'll wait until I'm alone but I do have little things I do to release.  

Writing them down and then putting them in the jar is letting go of it.  Still make it your own.  Burn the suckers right away! 

[tnd]

There's gonna be a fight tonite...

Just after she and her husband left for work, Francis' adult son, who doesn't act so adult, started entertaining his girlfriend here at the house at 7am. This has me wondering if perhaps the girl was here all nite. Oh well. None of my business. He spent a lot of time cooking food that isn't his in the kitchen for the two of them. And then they retreated to his room. Then they resurfaced and cooked some more food that isn't his. Then retreated to his room again. The kitchen is a disaster area. And what do you think Francis is going to do when she gets home?

She made me a dinner plate the other nite but since I wasn't hungry at the time, she put it in the fridge with a note on it that it was mine. Translation: Son, do not touch this, do not even think about it. I overheard tell her husband (again) that she wants him gone. Seems he can't qualify for an apartment yet. And now she's about to come home to a disaster in her kitchen and I believe the girl is still here in his room. Is she now a tenant? Why he isn't at work today, I can only guess but today is normally a work day for him. He works 20 hours a week at a fast food joint on a set schedule. This leaves him plenty of time to work a second job. Like I say, it's none of my business but seems if you are able to and you are hurting for money, you'd be out there getting a second job. He's 30 years old. 

Back when I was young, my friends and I cried tears of joy when we could finally move out of our parents house and have an apartment. And if it took 2 jobs or even 3 to make rent, then that's what we did. We were 18 years old. A paycheck meant freedom and independence. We didn't care if we starved or had to use a cardboard box as end table or a card table for a dining table. No sofa? No problem! We had bean bag chairs and the floor. The fridge had a carton of eggs, loaf of bread, butter and maybe a 6-pack of beer. We were happy. We were on-top of the world. I don't understand this latest generation but from what I can tell, they have a piss-poor attitude and expect their mommies to take care of them -for the rest of their lives. (puke, puke, gag, gag) 

Anyways, Francis will be home soon and no doubt, there will be another fight. Her son likes to scream the F-word at her. I just pray her grandkids aren't with her because they were last time and the little girl covered her ears and started to cry. It's pathetic, this House Of Cuckoo. 

 

[John9]

27 minutes ago, tnd said:

I don't understand this latest generation but from what I can tell, they have a piss-poor attitude and expect their mommies to take care of them -for the rest of their lives. (puke, puke, gag, gag) 

tnd,

My loving wife and I tried to instill a "work ethic" on our son and he sorta gets it but nothing like his Mother and I had. He was very much wanting to "leave" home and when MIL moved in that was the incentive to do so, but as you know things are a "little" more expensive than they used to be now. The problem I see with the younger generation is they didn't need to work 2 or 3 jobs to survive like the old people did (us). My loving wife and I "spoiled" our son and it wasn't intentional for him not to learn about life but we didn't have the best childhoods so that's what we did. I am in no way even remotely excusing the situation you are in with Francis and her son but she did allow it and sadly you are in the "middle" of the House of Cuckoo and I hope you can "escape" soon with your little bit of health intact. I am not having a good day and my thoughts aren't flowing well so if this makes no sense I am sorry.

[Gail 8588]

Tnd, 

I am so sorry the house situation is so difficult. On top of their frustration with their son, I imagine Frances and her husband are embarrassed that you are witnessing this conflict. 

I hope you can stay safely sequestered in your room as the drama plays out this evening. 

I hope for the best outcome available for Frances and her son.  These things are not easily resolved. 

Gail

[tnd]

2 minutes ago, John9 said:

I am in no way even remotely excusing the situation you are in with Francis and her son but she did allow it and sadly you are in the "middle"

John9:  I shouldn't judge. I told Francis that I'm an outsider looking in and from what I see, she babies him too much. She's very frustrated and disappointed in him and yet, she babies him. But in the last week I've noticed that she's babying him a lot less. She keeps saying that she wants him out of here. Well....if it were me, he would be. What I really hate is that the grandkids are often stuck in the room when these fights pursue. They don't need to hear stuff like that and it really bothers me. 

 

7 minutes ago, John9 said:

I am not having a good day and my thoughts aren't flowing well so if this makes no sense I am sorry.

I'm sorry you aren't having a good day. No need to apologize. I vented so thanks for letting me get that out. Are you sad? Winter nights can be too long when we are missing someone. My husband use to travel for a week once a month for his job. We talked on the phone every nite but I still missed him. It was practically a celebration on Friday nites when he got home. But that was way different than now. I miss him with no real celebration to look forward to. I miss having dinner ready for him, stuff like that. Going to be hard cooking and eating for just myself. I imagine you are experiencing the same thing...I am so sorry. It's a heartache that just won't let up. 

[tnd]

8 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said:

I hope you can stay safely sequestered in your room as the drama plays out this evening. 

Gail 8588:  Oh, I'm in my little room so I'm safe. But the walls are paper thin. I just want to stay clear of anyone's path because I already know the mood will be dark. As for myself however, my day hasn't gone that bad. Did a couple chores and rested. I'm bored so will be ready to be busy making my new place nice and homey. Looking forward to it like a child waiting for Santa Claus. Complete with home baked cookies on a plate with a glass of milk waiting...always had to leave Santa some cookies. 

[John9]

2 hours ago, tnd said:

I'm sorry you aren't having a good day. No need to apologize. I vented so thanks for letting me get that out. Are you sad? Winter nights can be too long when we are missing someone. My husband use to travel for a week once a month for his job. We talked on the phone every nite but I still missed him. It was practically a celebration on Friday nites when he got home. But that was way different than now. I miss him with no real celebration to look forward to. I miss having dinner ready for him, stuff like that. Going to be hard cooking and eating for just myself. I imagine you are experiencing the same thing...I am so sorry. It's a heartache that just won't let up. 

tnd,

When my loving wife and I both were working and she would get home from work, she would call me at work to let me know. As I said we always said I LOVE YOU whenever we said goodbye or left each other. We eventually got to the point of where I was caring for my friend 12 years ago and spending more time together and she would call during the day just to say hi. After her Mother moved in she checked in often and the weekends became more of our time. When she got her own cellphone because of her work she started texting me during the day when she had a break and she would let me know when she was coming home even though she worked 3/4 mile away. All of this I am saying to show you just what I am missing and how hard this is for me and it is killing me slowly but it is killing me. I am trying but each day is so hard.

[tnd]

3 hours ago, John9 said:

All of this I am saying to show you just what I am missing and how hard this is for me and it is killing me slowly but it is killing me. I am trying but each day is so hard.

John9:  You're finding it hard because it IS hard for us to accept that what seemed only a moment ago, life was one way and then *poof* now it's another. I don't think people who even have advance notice can easily accept a change like this. At least not overnite. I think about obese people and their journey to lose weight. They say what took years to put on can take years to take off....or what took years to damage may take years to undo. So, I sort of started looking at grief this way. Took me years to find my husband and then another 14 spent on building and maintaining our marriage. Might just take me that long to work through my grief. Depressing to think about because that's a long time. But, I don't think it will take me that long (at least not 14 years) to start enjoying some things again. Key word "some".

Right now you feel like it is killing you. In some ways it probably is. Certainly can't be good for our health, If you feel like crying or can't help but cry, then cry. I do. I know we are in an awful place in life right now but hopefully we will be blessed with the ability to see through the tears enough to at least enjoy small things again. I don't like it any more than you do. We were dealt a bad hand and it sucks. They say cats are creatures of habit and do not like changes. Obviously the same goes for us humans. Missing a phone call or text you were so use to getting falls into this category. I think you are doing okay to be able to say what hurts. 

[tnd]

Whew! No fight about "the adult son who doesn't act so adult" leaving a dirty kitchen. In fact, something I wasn't expecting was Francis being angry with her husband for him being angry about how the son never cleans up after himself. She was willing to clean up after him but her husband doesn't want her doing that anymore. I have to say, I kind of agree with him on this. Anyways, no yelling or screaming. Whew! 

Good news for a change; Francis will take me this weekend to apply for an apartment! I'll believe it when I see it...

I am SO looking forward to being able to finally get the ball rolling on this. The place I am eyeing may have a waiting list but Francis has a friend who lives there that says that they tend to move people up on the list if they pay a deposit upfront. Hallelujah! I can do that! This place is actually about the only place that I can afford. Many of their units are rented as part of a HUD Housing Project. Yup, I'd be living in "the projects". But I decided that since I've got no choice then I am going to try to go with a positive attitude. Everything pretty much stinks anyways when your husband has died. Nothing can bring him back. Not even the most expensive luxury apartment could do that. A cheap old apartment isn't the worst that has happened to me. But if there's one thing I know is SURVIVAL! I can probably make any place a home. I can take something that is dark and make it shine. Been there, done this before. At my age, I just wasn't expecting to have to do it again. *BIG sigh* I don't care. I need a place of my own, I cannot continue living in the "House Of Cuckoo" and....I've got to at least try to live independently. My doctors are probably going to throw fits. They had better get used to it.  

[Gail 8588]

Tnd, 

That is great news that Francis will take you to the apartment this weekend!  This apartment will have some good people and some not so good people, just like every apartment and every neighborhood everywhere.  

I live in a blighted neighborhood, downtown, that is always the focus of revitalization and crime prevention efforts. I know my relatives were very concerned when I bought here. But I have 3 really good neighbors close by and in the 3 years I have been here I have not had any problems.  Some of the other neighbors are a bit sketchy, but I just steer clear of them. 

I really do think you will be better off in a place of your own rather than staying where you are. 

I think it was very generous of Francis to have taken you in.  I imagine she had hoped that things with her son would have gone better than they have turned out.  But it was a real life line for you when you had nowhere to go. 

I am glad there was not a big fight last night, but I have no doubt that a big fight is coming.  Francis may be just trying to get through the holidays without having a big fight with her son.

I am excited and hopeful that 2022 will be the start of good things for you, in your new apartment.  I hope 2022 will be a good year for Francis too, that her son will move out and she will have less stress. 

Gail

[KayC]

tnd, I don't understand the son or their interaction, I didn't raise my kids like that nor would they ever behave like that, I raised them to be independent, self-sufficient, responsible, caring people.  I imagine there is some enabling going on.  I used to do day care and I remember concluding that the worst parenting in the world was not the person that spoiled their kids, but those who were inconsistent!  The kids constantly tested because their world felt so unstable.  People need boundaries.

I hope you are getting enough to eat and I pray her taking you to look at an apt. this weekend materializes!!!  You're in my prayers every day...

[Roxeanne]

2 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

think it was very generous of Francis to have taken you in

I agree with Gail...it was generous indeed...even if she had hard problems with her son!

I am glad you can be soon in your home

 

[foreverhis]

23 hours ago, tnd said:

Back when I was young, my friends and I cried tears of joy when we could finally move out of our parents house and have an apartment. And if it took 2 jobs or even 3 to make rent, then that's what we did. We were 18 years old. A paycheck meant freedom and independence. We didn't care if we starved or had to use a cardboard box as end table or a card table for a dining table. No sofa? No problem! We had bean bag chairs and the floor. The fridge had a carton of eggs, loaf of bread, butter and maybe a 6-pack of beer. We were happy. We were on-top of the world. I don't understand this latest generation but from what I can tell, they have a piss-poor attitude and expect their mommies to take care of them -for the rest of their lives. (puke, puke, gag, gag) 

I don’t understand it either. I lived with my parents until I was 21, in part because they were paying for me to go to the state university. In exchange, I continued to be “the good girl” who was expected to do nearly everything and babysit my baby sister after school. I didn’t mind that last part. I was a teenager when my sister (also called “oops”) was born, but we’ve always been super close. In fact, after John and I married and moved into a rental house, she spent so much time with us that our small “guest room” was really hers.

Anyway, the day I was able to leave my parents and move in with roommates was wonderful. I was finishing school (took me 6 years because I changed majors twice) and my parents paid the small tuition and books, but I was responsible for my daily life. The furniture was mostly old and mismatched, my room had the bed and dresser etc. from my childhood. I ate lots of canned soup and stuff like that. But I didn’t care.

One year on my birthday, everyone was busy, so we had a little party the next weekend. I came home from school and teaching (making barely above minimum wage at a small private school) and vividly remember thinking “It’s my birthday and I am sitting on the floor of my room eating canned soup!” But really, I was just happy to be a grown up.

That year I met John and 2 years later I had graduated, got a good job in my field (not the most lucrative one in the world, but decent money doing something I loved), and we were married. It was all worth the struggle to be independent. Of course, I am not stupid, so any time my parents offered a little help, I had said, “Yes, thank you.”

We instilled that ethic in our daughter. She got an after school job at 16, worked more hours during summer, and saved enough to buy a used car when she was 18. She’s been on her own as an adult since she was 20, though we helped her when we could. She was so proud that she’d tell me she felt like her dad didn’t think she could do it on her own when she would visit and he would give her a little extra cash for a treat. I pointed out that it made him feel good as the daddy of a daughter he was proud of and reminded her that her grandpa to that day still gave me a little something at times because that’s what lots of dads do.

Our friends young adult kids are all on their own, except one daughter who is a teacher in the Bay Area and who lives with her parents while saving. It’s super expensive there and teachers are wildly underpaid. But she pays “rent” and buys groceries and does her share around the house. She has plans for the future and she respects her parents. So different from Francis’ son. I have come to understand that there is good and bad in each generation. And a lot of it has to do with exactly what you are talking about in what parents expect and how they raise their children.

 I will tell you what I hate: The term “adulting.” Like a 25 year old writing on social media, “I made my own dinner last night. Adulting.” or “I did my own laundry. Adulting.” Yeah, we just call that part of being a grown up and didn’t ever ask for a pat on the back or a prize for it.

Well, rant finished. I should probably go start the laundry…adulting. 

[Michael M]

1 hour ago, foreverhis said:

I will tell you what I hate: The term “adulting.” Like a 25 year old writing on social media, “I made my own dinner last night. Adulting.” or “I did my own laundry. Adulting.” Yeah, we just call that part of being a grown up and didn’t ever ask for a pat on the back or a prize for it.

Heh heh, I was doing that at age 10 because I had to.  

[tnd]

5 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I will tell you what I hate: The term “adulting.” Like a 25 year old writing on social media, “I made my own dinner last night. Adulting.” or “I did my own laundry. Adulting.” Yeah, we just call that part of being a grown up and didn’t ever ask for a pat on the back or a prize for it.

foreverhis:  These days there are a lot of terms I hate and "adulting" is one of them. If they can figure out how to buy and play video games, then they can certainly do work and pay rent and not brag about it as if it's some award-winning achievement. I'm afraid they will never know who the real world achievers were....Jonas Salk, Albert Einstein, Madame Curie, Neil Armstrong, Christa McAuliffe, Picasso, General Patton, General Washington etc...it's a long list. They call it "history". I don't know that kids are studying much history anymore.  

[tnd]

10 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I am excited and hopeful that 2022 will be the start of good things for you, in your new apartment.  I hope 2022 will be a good year for Francis too, that her son will move out and she will have less stress. 

Gail 8588:  Thank you, Gail. I'm excited too. And it helps with my grief. I've seen this place from the outside and have read reviews of it. It doesn't seem too bad or as bad as other places like it. I didn't read a lot of complaints about crime there but it is in an area known for crime. I have no idea what the inside is like, hopefully nothing terrible and hopefully the A/C and heat function. 

As for Francis, I will post more, maybe after I move but I think she needs a friend. And perhaps some help. I plan to continue having her in my life. If it weren't for her, I would have ended up on the street and dead. Overall, I think she has a big heart but she does have some problems. I'm only now starting to get an inkling of why she is the way she is sometimes. But I do think she needs a friend and for now, she has me. 

[tnd]

3 hours ago, Michael M said:

Heh heh, I was doing that at age 10 because I had to.  

Michael M:  My brothers and I could do a little cooking and our own laundry in addition to yardwork and other chores, like chopping and stacking firewood. Our rooms were kept spotless -no piles of dirty laundry on the floor, no eating in the bedroom allowed and we had to change and wash our bedding. My Mom use to say that I almost spent TOO MUCH time cleaning my room. But I loved how it looked when it was clean and tidy and I enjoyed visiting friends whose parents had the same rules. It was always uncomfortable to visit a friend who lived in a dirty, messy house. Never could understand that. And I can still smell it. Oh boy...not the kind of memories I needed. Funny (not) how some smells stay with you. 

[Michael M]

1 minute ago, tnd said:

Michael M:  My brothers and I could do a little cooking and our own laundry in addition to yardwork and other chores, like chopping and stacking firewood. Our rooms were kept spotless -no piles of dirty laundry on the floor, no eating in the bedroom allowed and we had to change and wash our bedding. My Mom use to say that I almost spent TOO MUCH time cleaning my room. But I loved how it looked when it was clean and tidy and I enjoyed visiting friends whose parents had the same rules. It was always uncomfortable to visit a friend who lived in a dirty, messy house. Never could understand that. And I can still smell it. Oh boy...not the kind of memories I needed. Funny (not) how some smells stay with you. 

Rule was everything had to be put away in my room or you can't go to bed yet.  That of course changed after I went to live with my Dad where the main rule was make sure you go to school. 

[tnd]

24 minutes ago, Michael M said:

That of course changed after I went to live with my Dad where the main rule was make sure you go to school. 

Michael M:  Uh oh. I hope you were not one to cut school. Only because I feared my dad more than anything I was a goodie-two-shoes. Well, except for my senior year in high school. But even then I was the kid who reigned in the other kids. Some parents wouldn't let their kids go out unless I was with them. And teachers made the bad kids sit next to me because their grades improved if they did. But we still did crazy stupid stuff only I had limits. Probably a miracle we lived to see graduation.  

     

[John9]

6 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I will tell you what I hate: The term “adulting.” Like a 25 year old writing on social media, “I made my own dinner last night. Adulting.” or “I did my own laundry. Adulting.” Yeah, we just call that part of being a grown up and didn’t ever ask for a pat on the back or a prize for it.

Well, rant finished. I should probably go start the laundry…adulting. 

foreverhis,

I'm not a fan of being and ADULT anymore, I am so tired of being the responsible Adult. I took care of so much for so long I just wanted a break from it to enjoy "our" time together and not worry. So much for that.

4 hours ago, Michael M said:

Heh heh, I was doing that at age 10 because I had to. 

Michael M,

I was a little older but I learned to "survive" as I told my loving wife I was never in any danger of starving to death and there were some things I could cook. My loving wife enjoyed cooking and I enjoyed eating. After my MIL moved in my loving wife always said if it wasn't for me organizing things the house would be a mess, she cleaned but wasn't very organized about it.

51 minutes ago, tnd said:

Funny (not) how some smells stay with you. 

tnd,

It has been said that "smells" are a very strong memory trigger. I always had the sensitive nose and could "find" the source and correct it. My loving wife used to smoke and quit in 2007 and after a few years she "recovered" a very good sense of smell, sometimes it was too good because certain smells really started bothering here that she used to like. We always drank coffee and she got to where the smell was offensive to here and she absolutely hated the smell Peanut Butter which I believe I mentioned before because the dogs loved it and so do I and her work used it to calm the dogs for exams. There are certain smells I do have bad memories of and I am sure that other people do too. I will say that we have skunks around here and I don't like the smell of their "scent", however my neighbor says he loves the smell (go figure).

[tnd]

3 minutes ago, John9 said:

We always drank coffee and she got to where the smell was offensive

John9:  Funny you mention the smell of coffee. For the last few years I think coffee hasn't smelled too good like it used to. They are allowed to put a lot of junk in it now (crushed up stems, leaves and dried stuff). Not even flavored coffee smells that good. But I'd rather smell bad coffee than skunks. My husband loved the smell of diesel. And me? New fresh dollar bills! ha ha...

[John9]

2 minutes ago, tnd said:

Funny you mention the smell of coffee. For the last few years I think coffee hasn't smelled too good like it used to.

tnd,

My loving wife and I actually used to comment that the "used" coffee grounds smelled like an ashtray. Not the most pleasant smell and as someone who never smoked I can say that smell is disgusting. But as I said I never made my loving wife stop smoking, I told her it wasn't good for her and she knew it. We were talking and many times years ago her boss ,one of the Veterinarians offered her $500 to stop and she didn't do it. Fast forward a few years to 2007 and she said she would like a new car and I said if she quit smoking she could afford one. We talked and I showed her on paper the savings and the cost and she quit cold turkey and she got her car. Her family always thought I bought her a car to quit, I said she bought the car with the money she was "wasting" on cigarettes and I proved it. I tried that on our son and he doesn't "want" to quit or a new car even though I showed him it "works". Good memories and also sad too.

[tnd]

I forgot who it was but I know someone on the site said they like to spray some of their late wife's perfume on a bed pillow. My husband didn't have any left at the time of his passing but I've thought about getting the cologne he liked and doing the same thing. I loved how it smelled on him, it was actually a very light and relaxing scent. But I don't know if it would just make me more sad. Even without cologne he had his own nice scent about him. I miss that.   

[John9]

1 hour ago, tnd said:

I forgot who it was but I know someone on the site said they like to spray some of their late wife's perfume on a bed pillow.

tnd,

My loving wife only wore perfume an rare occasions, she used cologne at work on the dogs and didn't care for it. I used to wear a cologne for years but she started not to like it anymore and I quit using it. She was fond of the aromatherapy scents but I didn't care for most of them. So long story short is I don't need to be sadder than I am already and as I said scent is a trigger. I am already over the top as it is.

[foreverhis]

4 hours ago, tnd said:

John9:  Funny you mention the smell of coffee. For the last few years I think coffee hasn't smelled too good like it used to. They are allowed to put a lot of junk in it now (crushed up stems, leaves and dried stuff). Not even flavored coffee smells that good. But I'd rather smell bad coffee than skunks. My husband loved the smell of diesel. And me? New fresh dollar bills! ha ha...

John and I stopped drinking coffee in the early 00's.  Our home equipment was not great and the beans were "blah" with unappealing flavors.  In 2012, we were visiting Hawai'i.  We stopped in at the then newer Maui Coffee Company; delicious.  Whenever we'd visited the Big Island, we'd do an afternoon of Kona coffee plantation tastings; splendid.  But the beans are $$$ and so we could only get a little and it never tasted as good when we brewed it at home.

When we got home, we decided to do some research.  We're both big on doing that.  We bought a good, affordable conical burr grinder and a single scoop machine.  Not a Keurig or pod deal, but one with a double stainless filtered actual "scoop" that you fill with fresh ground beans.  The scoops are easy to clean and the grounds go in the garden, so there's never that unpleasant "wet grounds" smell.  I find it interesting that good beans smell wonderful, good coffee smells great when brewing and tastes delicious, but old, wet grounds smell horrible.

Then we researched beans.  There's a small company locally that roasts imported high quality beans--just the beans, no filler or weird additives.  We'll sometimes go to the roastery less than 2 miles away in our little community and buy fresh.  Other times we custom order from one of the reputable large companies that gives sourcing for every variety they roast and sell.  (It's not Starbucks!)  We always wait for a 20%-25% sale and then stock up.  That makes the beans quite affordable for us.

We bought Maui sugar (long story there; they stopped growing it commercially in 2015, so we bought a life-time supply for our coffee) and really good half-and-half.  We started drinking one cup per day each (and once in a while, two cups or split an extra cup) in 2012 and realized that one reason we stopped liking coffee was that we weren't buying "the good stuff" and we didn't have the right grinder or coffee maker.  It's a splurge I am unwilling to give up.  I'd rather have that one truly great cup of coffee in the morning than four cups of, pardon the expression, crap.

I think it's appalling what companies/corporations are allowed to get away with, especially when it comes to food.

[Michael M]

7 hours ago, tnd said:

I forgot who it was but I know someone on the site said they like to spray some of their late wife's perfume on a bed pillow. My husband didn't have any left at the time of his passing but I've thought about getting the cologne he liked and doing the same thing. I loved how it smelled on him, it was actually a very light and relaxing scent. But I don't know if it would just make me more sad. Even without cologne he had his own nice scent about him. I miss that.   

That was me.  She wore the same scent for the 29 years I knew her.  In part I am using it because I bought her some for last Christmas.  I just immerse my face in the pillow sometimes. 

[KayC]

15 hours ago, tnd said:

If they can figure out how to buy and play video games, then they can certainly do work and pay rent and not brag about it as if it's some award-winning achievement.

    I love this!

14 hours ago, tnd said:

But I do think she needs a friend and for now, she has me.

Aww, you are so sweet!  Don't we all!

13 hours ago, John9 said:

I'm not a fan of being and ADULT anymore, I am so tired of being the responsible Adult. I took care of so much for so long I just wanted a break from it to enjoy "our" time together and not worry. So much for that.

Right?!  Me too, I think that's another reason sometimes I lament George's absence, together it never felt so hard!  It was shared and we were in this together.  Of course the older I get the harder it gets...

18 hours ago, Michael M said:

Heh heh, I was doing that at age 10 because I had to.  

Me too...when you have an alcoholic dad, a mental/abusive mother, and six kids, you grow up fast.  I always took care of the younger ones and did food prep, yard work, ironing, etc.  We made our own clothes, earned our own $ starting at 9 or ten.  Without which we wouldn't have had clothes or toothpaste or shampoo.  It was life and it was hard.  I loved school, it was a diversion from home, where we were treated with respect and kindness, never got that at home.  My sister had a car accident when I was 14 and she was left quadriplegic and it killed her three year old, her 4 month old was okay, my other sister brain damaged (the disabled one with dementia I care for now), so I was "needed" at home and didn't get to participate in sports or other after school activities, dating, etc.  At 16 my dad forbade me to even go to church anymore.  You can imagine how important school was to me and I excelled there..

[John9]

I had always told my friend who died in January whenever he would say "I didn't know that about..." . You never know something about someone unless they tell you and most people kept their private lives just that private. AND then Farcebook and other anti-social media sites came out and then people were posting everything about everything. This site/forum and ones like it is a place I feel safe in venting and "informing" about my life because I think everyone "gets" it and understands why I feel the need to release personal information as I said before what happened and what is happening in my "life" is what made me who I am good or bad and it shapes my decisions and now my grieving. Just commenting and putting my 2 cents in.

[tnd]

17 hours ago, John9 said:

So long story short is I don't need to be sadder than I am already and as I said scent is a trigger. I am already over the top as it is.

John9:  Thanks for sharing that. I loved the smell of a particular cologne on my husband but, now that I think about it and thanks to your input I think it would make me sad, too. Perhaps not quite what I was thinking. 

[tnd]

14 hours ago, foreverhis said:

It's a splurge I am unwilling to give up.  I'd rather have that one truly great cup of coffee in the morning than four cups of, pardon the expression, crap.

foreverhis:  Thanks for sharing your research! I miss a good smelling cup of coffee. Maybe sometime I can splurge and get my own grinder. We have very hard water here, the minerals eat up appliances and no amount of cleaning helps. No matter what I'd spend the coffee makers just do not last. So now I just use a cheap one. But I've never ground my own beans before. Any little improvement would help. And when I have coffee, I like to have 2-3 cups. Especially if it's early in the morning. It's one of the few pleasures I have and honestly, I haven't enjoyed a good cup of coffee in a while. Been a week I think since I've had ANY coffee. Don't know why that is. Started drinking more water to stay hydrated, guess I forgot about the coffee. Go figure. Now I feel like a cup. 

[John9]

20 minutes ago, tnd said:

Been a week I think since I've had ANY coffee. Don't know why that is. Started drinking more water to stay hydrated, guess I forgot about the coffee. Go figure. Now I feel like a cup. 

tnd,

It's mind control.If I say don't think about purple unicorns and what do you think about . If the topic is coffee and you like it you crave it. Here locally every Friday night is a overabundance of Pizza commercials so that's what you think about for dinner. That used to drive my loving wife crazy because that wasn't what we were having for dinner but that's what you think about. I have used a coffee grinder before and it was a pain and ended up using it to grind spices. I don't know if a "filter" on the water would help with the hardness of the water or not.

40 minutes ago, tnd said:

John9:  Thanks for sharing that. I loved the smell of a particular cologne on my husband but, now that I think about it and thanks to your input I think it would make me sad, too. Perhaps not quite what I was thinking. 

I am just saying that was me, others might find it comforting but like I said scents can trigger memories good and bad and I don't need more bad.

[tnd]

More hurry up and wait....

Francis went to inquire about the apartment for me. I wanted to go but she had to run other errands and I would not have lasted. I did not know of her plans until the last minute but oh well, when you are at someone else's mercy you have to be flexible...and real patient. One of the errands was taking her son to apply for an apartment and I knew I did not want to have to sit through THAT. Anyways...the apartment I was eyeing has no vacancy and the waiting list is so long that they are not taking any more applications right now. DRATS!!! But they did say that I should call every day after Jan 1st to check and see if I can be added. So, I wait some more. 

I was actually not surprised about the waiting list. These particular apartments are the cheapest in the area and a number of their units are part of a HUD Housing Project. Other apartments in the area would cost me more than half of my income (Disabled Widow Benefits). It just wouldn't be wise to spend more than half my income on housing. Too risky. I can't live not knowing if I can pay rent or not from one month to the next. Too stressful and just a bad idea. I need to go as cheap as possible. And in this economy (or lack of one) every little penny counts. So, I wait. I hate this. I hate waiting. At least now I have somewhat of an idea of how much longer I might have to stay here. Feels like I'm running a never-ending marathon of sorts. I want to cry and wish I could turn to my husband but if he were still alive, I wouldn't have to live here. 

Guess I can look forward to eating today. Got me some beef and macaroni salad and fruit. Need to get inside my head and create a world-within-a-world and find happiness in something. Today, it is food. Tonite, maybe a little TV and as a bonus, cuddle with my cats.   

[foreverhis]

9 hours ago, John9 said:

This site/forum and ones like it is a place I feel safe in venting and "informing" about my life because I think everyone "gets" it and understands why I feel the need to release personal information as I said before what happened and what is happening in my "life" is what made me who I am good or bad and it shapes my decisions and now my grieving. Just commenting and putting my 2 cents in.

Those are really good 2 cents.  I'm with you on this being the only place I feel safe and free to post all the stuff about my life and my love.  It's not just that everyone gets it, though of course they do, it's that we don't judge each other and we don't act like we have all the answers.

John and I created a Facebook account in part so we could make sure that our daughter and others were honoring our request not to post personal photos or lots of details about our life.  And (sshhh!) it's not even in my real name, though it is from my mother's family's names.

The internet itself is neither good nor bad; it's inhabited by people who are good and/or bad.  Some places are safe spaces and this is one of them.

[KayC]

18 hours ago, Roxeanne said:

Kay life can be so hard....i don't know why!

I had my problems too...it never seems to be enough!

I want  to dedicate to us the words of a great italian poetess:

"La mia vita e' stata bella perché l'ho pagata cara"

(Alda Merini)

"My life was beautiful

Because i paid dearly for it"

 

Thank you.  My life has been hard but it's had some beauty in it too.  My kids and George and the many pets I've had.  I've been fortunate to live around nature so long, even though it's sometimes unforgiving as now (huge wind storm, large heavy branches strewn everywhere, snow...)  And I have peace.  That means a lot.  I have purpose, also valuable.

8 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I'm with you on this being the only place I feel safe and free to post all the stuff about my life and my love.

Absolutely.  I use FB for my diabetic groups and keep up on my grandkids, see what friends/family are doing but I'm not big on telling my innermost secrets there!  A lot of people hate FB because of the drama, I guess I'm lucky in that my "friends" don't post stuff like that, it's uplifting stuff or info about roads, etc.

@tnd I wish you lived here, I'd make you some really good coffee, it's my last vice and I get so much enjoyment out of it.  I even make my own creamer as store bought is so unhealthy.  This is better anyway.  Lately I've been into pumpkin flavored stuff.  My daughter used to be a barista and she got me into stronger coffee/blends, no more MJB for me!

[tnd]

9 hours ago, KayC said:

I wish you lived here, I'd make you some really good coffee,

KayC:  I have no doubt that your coffee and creamer are delicious. You may have to drive far when you need to go somewhere, like to the doctor and have to deal with snow and storms but a lot of people would sure love to live where you do. I'm a big city gal because I need to be near conveniences but grew up in the country. The peacefulness of a forest or falling snow has stayed with me. As a kid, I use to go out every nite before bed and lay down in the field to let snow fall onto my face. I loved watching the snowflakes come at me. And as you know I'm sure, it can be so quiet when it snows that you swear you hear the snowflakes. And then in the summer to be able to remove your shoes and socks to dip your feet into a cold water stream was like being tickled. It would make me shiver. And the moss in the forest? As soft as plush carpeting. Ah...memories!