Lots Of Stress And Grief While Starting New Life

[KayC]

22 hours ago, tnd said:

John9:  I agree with you! I think as I go forward now I am going to be thinking more about myself. What I mean, is that I am going to start putting myself first and if I've got anything left in me otherwise, then I will think of others. As for what people may think, I don't care. I'm tired of doing the dance and bending over backwards to please people and do things to THEIR liking. They can either like me for how and who I am and how I choose to do things or they can choose to kiss a pig. I don't care. 

This brought me a smile!  We get there...

22 hours ago, tnd said:

I am on Prednisone and still have to take an anti-histamine every day and generic Singulair and a steroid inhaler.

I hate Prednisone!  It made me gain 60 lbs in two months when I was eating what normally would make one LOSE weight!  It is hell on Diabetes!  I do NOT want to take it!  I'll put up quite a fight if they suggest it.  I've worked so hard to get where I am with my weight and getting off the diabetic meds and statins....

The allergy inhalers are steroidal.  They said I can still do mine.  I hate that too.  To be cursed with Diabetes AND allergies seems the pits!  But such is life as we've all learned.

[John9]

3 hours ago, KayC said:

To be cursed with Diabetes AND allergies seems the pits!  But such is life as we've all learned.

KayC,

Yes, this is not the life I/we chose and the ending we wanted. I wasn't given any options as to what to do but this wasn't going to be the one I picked. I am sure that none of us would have chosen this, it is what we have been "given" and I know I am trying to figure it out and I am not doing very well with it but I am still trying. I am at least going through the motions and still getting out of bed which I guess is something. I am just on edge all the time, always almost crying and many times I do.

[Gail 8588]

John9, 

For the first 3 years I felt I wasn't living, just pretending to live, and doing a poor imitation. When people asked me "How are you doing?", if they were friends who I thought might genuinely care, I would respond "I have not yet figured out how to live without him."  

Perhaps it was an unsettling response to them, but to me I was just showing them a tip of the iceberg.  I couldn't bring myself to say I was "fine" to people who knew us, when I was feeling so lost, dead and depressed. 

Getting out of bed and going through the motions of living is something.  It is actually a lot.  It is keeping a place for you in the world for when you are actually able to begin living again.

You are going through the motions of living, but you are getting done the things that need to be done.  That is really hard work to do when your heart and soul are screaming in your head "there is no point in any of this". 

From where I sit, you have done a tremendous job, caring for your MIL, dealing with all the legal issues of multiple estates, communicating with and emotionally supporting your son and the good sister, all while lost in your grief.  You are doing amazing. 

I also know that when you hear me say you are doing well, your brain still says "but there is no point without your loving wife".  

All I can say is, I am no longer pretending to be alive, I am living again.  I think if you keep trying to figure out the life you have been given, you will eventually get there.  Be kind to yourself, you really are doing a lot. 

Gail 

[KayC]

Today I am reminded that I do have purpose.  Night before last I got a call that we might be losing our pastor & his wife, an elder harangued him for the second time, berating him horribly without cause, causing him to feel discouraged to the point of leaving.  I told this person, "Not on MY watch!"  and I went to work.  We divided the church directory, each of us making calls, messaging, emailing, planning a Pastor Appreciation Sunday, ordered a cake telling them how we appreciate and love them, got a basket to put cards in and told people it'd be available for them, also planning an "open mic session" for people to state their appreciation.  We can't do anything about the elder, a corp. has recourse, can discipline someone, but there's no avenue in place for that, he has 13 1/2 months left on his term, but we do have someone in mind to nominate that would be wonderful for him to work with.  I wasn't born yesterday, I was on church boards all my life but the Baptist Church, alas, is different about women serving, still, I know how to get things done even within these confines.  I texted the pastor about his sermon, messaged his wife on FB, planning Scrabble "for us girls" and as I'd just mailed her a retirement card inviting her to lunch, she'd just gotten that and both felt encouraged.  We have purpose, we have only to look around us.  Sometimes it may not feel like a lot, I know we lost our MAIN purpose the day our spouse died, but I believe in "Bloom where you are planted."  And many of you are doing just that, here.  You all mean so much to me, what we have gone through, with John, tnd, etc. we have been through it together.  I know, ultimately it's tnd going through it seemingly alone, but it's like she has this invisible crowd with her, cheering her on, loving her, encouraging her, and with you, too, John.  Gail is right, you ARE amazing!  What you have done and do for others!  All while in fresh grief!  I wouldn't expect that from anyone newly in grief, I remember that all too well, I could hardly think!  Grief fog is all too real...

[John9]

10 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I also know that when you hear me say you are doing well, your brain still says "but there is no point without your loving wife".  

Gail 8588,

Yes this is exactly what is constantly going through my broken brain and as I sit here reading/typing the tears are flowing again. I know I have said this (too) many times, but each day is harder than the day before and I miss my loving wife more and more. I do appreciate the words of encouragement from you and everyone else and it is probably the main reason I am still at least going through the motions of life.

1 hour ago, KayC said:

Today I am reminded that I do have purpose.

KayC,

It is good that you have been able to help so many both here and "in person" and I don't pretend to know my purpose in life. I thought maybe it was to help MIL until she died and that may have been a part of it but now I am still unsure about the future without my loving wife with me. I haven't given up but it is hard and I understand I am not alone in feeling how hard it is both personally and from the others who have gone through and are going through their own grieving. As far as the pastor and the "politics" of the church (elder) what is wrong with people especially in the church because if they followed the Bible and God's words they wouldn't do that would they. I have no answers about anything because it all just brings up more questions than answers. I hope that the pastor knows that the others care for him and his wife and can continue to be there and "turn the other cheek" until his term is over or maybe he "resigns" if it is an option.

[steveb]

I haven’t been on the forum for a bit, but it’s so amazing to read the posts, and to see the incredible strength and resilience of the human spirit on display here. Again, it’s simply amazing. 
 

 

[KayC]

22 hours ago, John9 said:

I don't pretend to know my purpose in life. I thought maybe it was to help MIL until she died

And it's true our "purpose" can be for a time (as many of us who felt it was being here with our spouse and were left floundering when they died) it can change from time to time or we can have multiple purposes, some temporary, some more lasting.  I find purpose helping grievers and diabetics, but also neighbors, etc.  You are in the early throes of grief, I wouldn't imagine you would feel purpose right now, but later on it may emerge to you.  (As for the elder, I'm praying for him to change or leave, choice is up to him.)

@steveb hi and welcome back!

[tnd]

On 11/12/2021 at 10:25 PM, Gail 8588 said:

From where I sit, you have done a tremendous job, caring for your MIL, dealing with all the legal issues of multiple estates, communicating with and emotionally supporting your son and the good sister, all while lost in your grief.  You are doing amazing. 

Gail 8588:  I second that. I, too think John has been doing a terrific job at continuing to take care of people and business. 

 

On 11/12/2021 at 10:25 PM, Gail 8588 said:

Getting out of bed and going through the motions of living is something.  It is actually a lot.  It is keeping a place for you in the world for when you are actually able to begin living again.

Gail 8588:  This is exactly what it feels like, doesn't it? Going through the motions... I like what you say, how it is "keeping a place for us in the world for when we are actually able to begin living again".  I hope that is what I am doing. I want to be able to enjoy life again and don't know if I can. I'm going to try but don't know what I will be able to do yet.  

[Gail 8588]

Tnd, 

You have endured so much and have been as positive as anyone could possibly be.  There is finally a light at the end of this dark tunnel.  If you can get to the point where you have a small place of your own, for you and your cats, you will be able to begin to explore the possibilities of your new life. 

You have done a tremendous job making a place for yourself in the world where you will have the opportunity to live in peace and with enjoyment. 

Gail

[tnd]

1 minute ago, Gail 8588 said:

If you can get to the point where you have a small place of your own, for you and your cats, you will be able to begin to explore the possibilities of your new life. 

Gail 8588:  I sure hope so. I've been thinking of all the things I want to do and want to try doing but right now, I am doing that as a distraction until I can get out of this place and in to my own. When the time comes, I have no idea what I will feel up to. I hadn't cried in almost two days then suddenly last night I couldn't stop thinking about my husband and cried a flood of tears. When I get my own place I wonder if I will just lie in bed crying every day. I certainly don't like the thought of being a "single" again, much less a widow. But I want to stay busy and really hope I can motivate myself. It's going to be another challenge to face.    

[KayC]

I agree with Gail, you've done as well as possible under the circumstances, and you've had a tremendous a lot.  Good to see you posting.

[tnd]

On 11/13/2021 at 8:12 AM, KayC said:

I know we lost our MAIN purpose the day our spouse died, but I believe in "Bloom where you are planted."  And many of you are doing just that, here.  You all mean so much to me, what we have gone through, with John, tnd, etc. we have been through it together.

KayC:  I like what you said! "Bloom where you are planted"...so appropriate and a very healthy and positive idea. I've been thinking of where I am going to end up living. I think I should move into the cheapest place. I found one but don't know if they have anything available. They don't have a website so no email. Can only be contacted by phone or in-person and right now, borrowing a phone around here or getting a ride is like having to pull teeth. So very very frustrating. Anyways, it's a HUD project so it is not exactly a nice place but I have to go cheap so to not short myself. But I think I could probably "bloom where I plant myself" and make any place a home...bright, clean and cheerful. Hate to say it but I think any place other than where I am at right now would be better. If it's my own place.  

 

On 11/13/2021 at 8:12 AM, KayC said:

Today I am reminded that I do have purpose.  Night before last I got a call that we might be losing our pastor & his wife, an elder harangued him for the second time, berating him horribly without cause, causing him to feel discouraged to the point of leaving.  I told this person, "Not on MY watch!"  and I went to work. 

KayC:  You are SO very thoughtful and kind! Yes, you certainly DO have a purpose! I hope that once I get settled I will find what my purpose is. 

[John9]

 

10 minutes ago, tnd said:

Anyways, it's a HUD project so it is not exactly a nice place but I have to go cheap so to not short myself.

tnd,

I hope you can find something nice that will give you peace and the ability to create your own space without anyone trying to control you or make you feel unsafe. And then maybe the "lottery" will work out for you soon.

[tnd]

10 minutes ago, John9 said:

And then maybe the "lottery" will work out for you soon.

John9:  Yes, speaking of that lottery, my name was chosen!  But all this means for now is that my application will be placed on the shorter 1-2 year waiting list opposed to the 5-6 year list. But yes, who knows, maybe in a year I can move to a nicer place. It really sucks to be grieving and depressed. I think the environment we live in has something to do with how we feel or our moods. I've been in a dark mood but trying not to be. I have to believe that once I am in my own place, no matter what type of place it may be, will be a place where I can feel free to do my own thing and make my surroundings brighter. And definitely cleaner. There is also very little hygiene being practiced here. Every day I wake up to the gross and the  disgusting. I admit, it not only bothers me to see it but worries me. It's not healthy. I'm really trying to hang in there though.   

[John9]

49 minutes ago, tnd said:

I have to believe that once I am in my own place, no matter what type of place it may be, will be a place where I can feel free to do my own thing and make my surroundings brighter. And definitely cleaner. There is also very little hygiene being practiced here. Every day I wake up to the gross and the  disgusting. I admit, it not only bothers me to see it but worries me. It's not healthy. I'm really trying to hang in there though.   

tnd,

I understand the clean part of this, my friend who I cared for wasn't the cleanest but I could only do so much because it wasn't my house it was his. I would clean a little whenever he was in the hospital but time was always an issue too. Hanging in is about all we can hope for right now isn't it. It sucks that this has to be our mantra doesn't it. I really miss my loving wife and the life we had and don't like to just have to hang on until I die but I will.

[Gail 8588]

John9, 

I really miss the life I had with my sweet husband too.  That has not diminished at all, and I can't imagine it ever will.  

Life is good for me now, and I am extremely grateful for that, but life is nowhere near as good as life was with him. 

Gail

[John9]

11 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said:

I really miss the life I had with my sweet husband too.  That has not diminished at all, and I can't imagine it ever will.  

Life is good for me now, and I am extremely grateful for that, but life is nowhere near as good as life was with him. 

Gail

Gail 8588,

I agree that no matter what may change in the future (if anything does) it won't be as good as the life we had together. I can only keep trying to make it until I don't have to anymore meaning when God says enough is enough. That statement is not meant to offend anyone I am at my breaking point.

[KayC]

1 hour ago, John9 said:

I am at my breaking point.

I am so sorry, John.  I understand, but I know that doesn't make any difference in the scheme of things.  I tell you all to hang in there...I know you're trying, I also know how hard it is.  I remember that early time, I was in shock, anxiety full bore, pacing, did not know where/how to start.  To say it was overwhelming is an understatement, I also lost my job and was in over my head with bills pouring in, friends gone, family didn't understand...then to lose our animals on top of it, I remember crying out to God, "Haven't I had enough!!!"  To which there was no answer.  Apparently not, I kept getting more, like many of you are feeling.  We get through this one day at a time, sometimes we don't know how.  It gave a whole new meaning to the Bible saying, "If anything good, think on these things..."  Yes.  Indeed.

[John9]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

I am so sorry, John.  I understand, but I know that doesn't make any difference in the scheme of things.

KayC,

You would be surprised how much of a difference your understanding does mean. I am trying to hang on and the encouragement I receive does make it so I can continue one more hour or day. I am just expressing how hard it is to try to relieve some of the "feelings" and grief stress I am going through. The lack of "support" is hard and the fact that nobody who claims to care has been there for me does hurt and I understand I am not the only one who went through that as you referenced too. So long story short once again I thank you for your support and the others too.

[KayC]

We're in this together.  I remember when someone told me on a grief site that she didn't understand why I was still there (I was about nine years out), like I had no business there, like grief hits an expiration date?  Now she's been there seven years and I think she can answer her own question.  No matter how many years it's been for me, even though it's evolved and I carry my grief inside of me, even though I function and have adjusted for all intent and purposes, even though I've read a ton of articles, books, had counseling, even though I have learned more than I ever learned in my life put together through my grief journey...I still grieve, I still feel his absence all too keenly and am fully aware of how different life would be if he were here, what a difference it'd make to me!  Sometimes I wonder, "Does he miss me?"  There's no more tears, sorrow, pain in heaven so I know they can't be feeling what we're feeling...perhaps time does a warp on them as well, making them feel it's just been yesterday, not all this time...otherwise I don't see how that'd work.  But what do I know?  Now we look through a glass darkly, then we shall see face to face...now we know in part, then we shall know in full.

[Gail 8588]

18 hours ago, John9 said:

. . . I am at my breaking point.

John9,

No offense taken, my heart just aches for/with you. 

I also reached my breaking point. I was so tired of being exhausted, confused, in pain, hopeless, abandoned.  My head felt like it was going to explode, and I welcomed the thought that it would explode and I would go ahead and die.  I so wanted the pain to end.  I remember those days and nights praying for this to end.

It had been 3 years since my husband had died and nothing was better, in fact it all seemed worse because I was unable to see anyway forward for me.

I am so sorry for the pain you are in. For me, it was only a few months later that I could feel that something had shifted in my brain, a glimmer of hope for my future began to appear. 

It is my prayer that soon you will feel a shift, that life is bearable. Perhaps with your son there, the terrible despair of hopelessness will be pushed back just a little. 

Gail

 

[John9]

8 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said:

It is my prayer that soon you will feel a shift, that life is bearable. Perhaps with your son there, the terrible despair of hopelessness will be pushed back just a little. 

Gail 8588,

Thank you, the fact that our son moved back is very good for me however in one aspect it isn't any different than it was when he lived here before. When he was here my loving wife and I never saw him because he never wanted to spend time with his "parents" and he wasn't any different than any other older "child". Now he works and he has his own life which as I said before is a good thing because his friends have been able to help him process his grief and hopefully when I die he will be able to count on them for that too. When he is here he has his own space and that is good for him, I don't need him to feel like he HAS to be with me all the time. I believe I have said it and read it that I will always be alone even in a room full of people because none of them are my loving wife. I can only keep trying and go till I can't anymore.

2 hours ago, KayC said:

We're in this together.  I remember when someone told me on a grief site that she didn't understand why I was still there (I was about nine years out), like I had no business there, like grief hits an expiration date? 

KayC,

I guess in a perfect world, IF you reached a certain time in grieving you would not have to keep suffering but as we know and as I believe at least in my case since that is all I can attest to My own grief is based on the "facts" of how much my loving wife means to me and how much I love her. There is no switch that you can turn off and how long it takes is how long it takes. I said it before and I will continue to say it, I loved my wife more each day and it was 35 years and I can't just stop because she died if it took me 35 years to be at that level of love then 35 years of grieving sounds about "right". Hopefully I won't be made to suffer that long no way do I want to be 95. I know however long this (miserable) life continues I will grieve for my loving wife and I will miss my loving wife and I will love her too. I can only hope that what you referenced about time in Heaven would be true but I know you have also said that they don't suffer so it isn't the same for them or else it wouldn't be Heaven would it. Not a question about God and how or why just an observation and a hope for a reunion soon in our time not in Heavens time.

[tnd]

On 11/19/2021 at 10:10 AM, KayC said:

No matter how many years it's been for me, even though it's evolved and I carry my grief inside of me, even though I function and have adjusted for all intent and purposes, even though I've read a ton of articles, books, had counseling, even though I have learned more than I ever learned in my life put together through my grief journey...I still grieve,

KayC:  I think the grief will stay with us so long as our love and memories of the ones we've lost do and well, we already know we are never going to forget them. So, instead of fighting it, I am already starting to think that I will have to carry my grief with me into the future. I will have to figure out how to do that without letting it hold me back.  

[John9]

1 minute ago, tnd said:

I am already starting to think that I will have to carry my grief with me into the future. I will have to figure out how to do that without letting it hold me back.  

tnd,

I know I will always carry the grief of losing my loving wife, but the added weight of everything else is a large part of what is crushing me too. I am trying but it is not easy especially this time of the year. I hope that things are moving well for you in regards to your own place and that it will help you.

[tnd]

2 minutes ago, John9 said:

I know I will always carry the grief of losing my loving wife, but the added weight of everything else is a large part of what is crushing me too.

John9:  It IS crushing. Now we have more excess baggage. Only this baggage isn't the kind we can let go of with a little help. It's as if the grief is becoming an appendage. So I wonder if rather than fighting it if I should just go with it and carry it with me. Not like I want everyone to see "GRIEF" written across my forehead but I know it somehow is changing me and I need to figure out those changes and if I can live with them or do something about it. 

[John9]

6 minutes ago, tnd said:

Not like I want everyone to see "GRIEF" written across my forehead but I know it somehow is changing me and I need to figure out those changes and if I can live with them or do something about it. 

tnd,

GRIEF IS written all over MY face because I can see it in my eyes from all of the crying. I can't help it and I can't stop it. It is MY life now.

[tnd]

14 minutes ago, John9 said:

I hope that things are moving well for you in regards to your own place and that it will help you.

John9:  Haven't been able to look at places yet. The Sarcoidosis has been out of control so I've been under the weather more than usual the past few days. As usual, I took the Methotrexate (oral chemo) SAT nite and as expected, felt crummy the next day. But by Mon and Tues I felt like I was dying. My O2 was up/down but not too bad but the rest of me wasn't. I guess it's the Sarcoidosis. Add stress and grief to the mix and BOOM! You feel real crummy. I felt like giving up but I know it was the Sarcoidosis talking. I'd like to stick around and see if I can make a go of  things and learn to carry the grief with me somehow without letting it destroy me. I just want a chance.   

[tnd]

7 minutes ago, John9 said:

GRIEF IS written all over MY face because I can see it in my eyes from all of the crying. I can't help it and I can't stop it. It is MY life now.

John9:  My eyes are screwed up because of how much I cry, too. I don't care anymore what anyone will think about it. I feel like roadkill and that includes looking like it too. I don't even recognize myself in the mirror. But I don't care about that now. I just want a chance to see if I can somehow move forward with this soaking, sobbing mess. 

[John9]

14 minutes ago, tnd said:

I'd like to stick around and see if I can make a go of  things and learn to carry the grief with me somehow without letting it destroy me. I just want a chance.   

 

11 minutes ago, tnd said:

John9:  My eyes are screwed up because of how much I cry, too. I don't care anymore what anyone will think about it. I feel like roadkill and that includes looking like it too. I don't even recognize myself in the mirror. But I don't care about that now. I just want a chance to see if I can somehow move forward with this soaking, sobbing mess. 

tnd,

I agree that I don't care what anyone thinks and says about how I look and you deserve the chance to "stick" around and make a go of it. I was just wondering if you had ant luck and I understand about how stress can add to everything else.

[tnd]

1 minute ago, John9 said:

I understand about how stress can add to everything else.

John9:  Even tho I cry a lot over missing my husband, I had a strange realization hit me. I don't think I've actually started grieving yet. Sure, crying is a part of being sad but I don't think I've really sat and thought about things. I wonder now if when I get my own place if it's going to ambush me and hit me like a ton of bricks or something.  

[John9]

5 minutes ago, tnd said:

I had a strange realization hit me. I don't think I've actually started grieving yet.

tnd,

this statement is how I feel, I cry and cry but I don't feel like I am grieving "fully" or correctly because I still haven't let it all out. It isn't like I can flip the switch and let it out but it doesn't seem right. I have said before I was dreading MIL dying because I thought that would be the breaking point but now I wonder if the Holidays are going to push me over the edge. I am not looking forward to them and tomorrow being Thanksgiving it all starts.

[tnd]

2 minutes ago, John9 said:

I don't feel like I am grieving "fully" or correctly because I still haven't let it all out. It isn't like I can flip the switch and let it out

John9:  Okay, so maybe how I am feeling is the same thing. I cry quite a bit but I know I haven't let it all out. Then I wondered if I have even started to grieve yet. Guess I have. It just feels that with everything else I've had to do and think about that I have been setting my grief aside, only to have it come at me in great force later. I am so looking forward to getting my own place but at the same time, almost dread it.   

[tnd]

13 minutes ago, John9 said:

now I wonder if the Holidays are going to push me over the edge. I am not looking forward to them and tomorrow being Thanksgiving it all starts.

John9:  I expect the holidays are going to be hard. For my husband and I, they were already hard the last few years but we had each other. I think holidays this year are going to be painful. 

 

[Gail 8588]

Tnd and John9, 

The first year, I found it pretty much impossible to to participate in holiday activities.  I tried, because of my boys, and they tried, to support me. But it was surreal.  We were stick figures trying to act out holiday traditions, and we did it very poorly.  I remember sitting on the couch with the Macy's day parade on TV and we were all three completely silent.  No laughter, no commentary,  just 3 zombies staring at a box.   The only good part was that none of us felt compelled to talk. We just sat.  We endured the holidays.  

I expect Frances and her family will try to cheer you up Tnd.  That is a different kind of holiday pain to endure. But either way, grieving with your family around you or suffering the cheerful comments of people who don't understand, I think the first set of holidays are pretty universally terrible.  

Sorry this comment is not more encouraging. 

I'll be thinking of you both, and all the others on here that are facing their first Thanksgiving without the one person who gave our life meaning.   

Gail

[foreverhis]

3 hours ago, tnd said:

My eyes are screwed up because of how much I cry, too. I don't care anymore what anyone will think about it. I feel like roadkill and that includes looking like it too. I don't even recognize myself in the mirror. But I don't care about that now.

A few things about crying that my ophthalmologist told me.  I had gone in for my regular check (vitreous detachment; normal for my age) and told him how suddenly one of my eyes would be burning as if someone had thrown acid in them (well, how I assumed it would feel).  He said that stress/grief tears have a different chemical composition and are highly saline.  Crying so much had created micro pitting on my corneas.  Then I'd cry more and irritate it more.  He had me start using gel moisture drops four times a day and a moisture "goo" at bedtime.  It helped a lot and over the next 9 months, my corneas healed.  He also told me flat out to never, never use tissues to wipe tears because the fibers in them can get into our eyes and make the irritation worse.  He said any cotton lint free cloth would be appropriate.  I found John's monogrammed fine cotton hankies from his playing and conducting.  I use those and that helps too.

Over the first year or so, the mirror told me I had aged a good 10 years.  I didn't just feel horrible, I looked like crap too.  And what's more, I didn't care.  I always bathed, washed my hair, and put on easy-to-wear clean clothes, but that was the extent of it.  The people who love me/us don't much care how I look; they care how I am.  Grief does things to our bodies, not just our hearts and minds.  That was surprising to me.

[Michael M]

6 hours ago, tnd said:

John9:  Okay, so maybe how I am feeling is the same thing. I cry quite a bit but I know I haven't let it all out. Then I wondered if I have even started to grieve yet. Guess I have. It just feels that with everything else I've had to do and think about that I have been setting my grief aside, only to have it come at me in great force later. I am so looking forward to getting my own place but at the same time, almost dread it.   

It's been almost 8 months for me.  I cry in small spots but I told my therapist I am basically all cried out.  She seems to think this is a positive sign.  I worry it's a sign I am disconnecting and am just numb.  Of course it could just be my up bringing as well.  Military family.   Crying is a sign of weakness, etc.  My personal opinion is you can grieve and cry at the same time.  Cry as much as you need to, but don't  let it hold you back.  For months I cried in the parking lot of our favorite Chinese takeout place, but I kept going back and getting the food we both enjoyed so much.  

[John9]

10 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Sorry this comment is not more encouraging. 

I'll be thinking of you both, and all the others on here that are facing their first Thanksgiving without the one person who gave our life meaning. 

Gail,

Just the fact that you commented and "know" what it is like IS encouraging. I don't want the Holidays to become a self fulfilling prophecy of more pain and suffering than I am already going through but it was one of my loving wife's favorite times and the fact that nothing can ever be the "same" even if I did what my loving wife did just adds to it all. I know I will always miss her. I had already been experiencing issues with my eyes as I had a small retinal tear in one eye and needed it to be sealed with a laser and another problem with the other eye so the "floaters" are much worse since and now I am just dealing with it as much as I can. Between the floaters and the tears and the burning I am surprised I can even type sometimes and when I don't check my "work".....

5 hours ago, Michael M said:

It's been almost 8 months for me.  I cry in small spots but I told my therapist I am basically all cried out.  She seems to think this is a positive sign.  I worry it's a sign I am disconnecting and am just numb.  Of course it could just be my up bringing as well.  Military family.   Crying is a sign of weakness, etc. 

Michael M,

I am sorry for the loss of your wife. I was raised by an alcoholic Air Force "father" for the first 11 years and real men don't show emotions was literally beaten into us. I have never fully "recovered" from those lessons and I have stated before that I was basically always in control of my emotions until the dam broke when my loving wife died. I cry basically all day and all night. Everything is a trigger for me.

For those of you who are celebrating today I want to say to you have a Happy Thanksgiving. I am unable to celebrate as it is just too painful but it doesn't mean that I wouldn't want others to be as happy as they can be. There may come a time when it isn't as painful or maybe God will let me be with my loving wife soon.

[Gail 8588]

I do wish everyone here a Happy Thanksgiving.  I hope each of us will find some joy today. We need any relief we can get from our grief and if moments of happiness come to us, it is truly something to be grateful for. 

Gail

[steveb]

The holidays are hard. Especially, those first holidays.  My beautiful wife passed on 31 Jul 20.  Am I in a more “adjusted” place?  Yes, I am, but at times the emptiness can be crushing. Thank God I have the support of family and friends to get me through those times. Plus, I have to honor my wife’s memory the best I can by trying to live a good and fulfilling life   
 

You are all very strong and resilient.  We are all thinking of you.  

[annie123]

Today, I am thankful for my children and my grandson.  And to the 43 years of marriage I shared with a wonderful man.  My husband was the better cook and he prepared most meals for us.  Every Thanksgiving, he made cranberry relish, enough to freeze and last till after the Christmas holiday.  Yesterday, I made the relish for our meal today.  As it was blending, tears were running down my face, but I know he would have been so happy about it.  My kids are excited, they love it.  It is not nearly as good as his........but it will do.

[Darlene13]

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you.  Last year I had only been without my husband a few months at Thanksgiving time, and cooking dinner alone in this silent house all morning was incredibly sad and the tears flowed freely.  This year, I was expecting the same but it's somewhat better.  I'm learning to carry my grief with me, I guess.  

I've had some really dark times over the last 16 mos, the worst grief I've ever experienced, and I don't know what I would've done without all of you walking through this valley of tears with me.  I am grateful.  I hope we all can find some peace today.

[Carol34]

I don't know if this is the right place to post this, but it seemed like a lot of people were talking about Thanksgiving, so I picked it. 

It was 7 weeks ago this morning that I got the call from my stepdaughter, who had stayed the night at Hospice with her dad/my husband.  This whole holiday season is going to be hard.  We never really had a big Thanksgiving dinner, though. So today isn't as hard for me as it is for a lot of other people who are grieving.  He didn't like turkey, and I'm allergic to meat.  Two of our 3 kids were out of state, and my son's family celebrated with his in-laws.  We just enjoyed having a stress-free day alone while everyone else was going crazy, cooking and cleaning, and dealing with crazy family members.  So, I told my son to not change his plans.  I am home by myself, but I'm keeping busy.  I've done a little housework, and the next thing on my list is to address the Christmas cards.  I might do some on-line shopping too.  But mainly, I plan to watch college basketball all day.  It's the way I want to spend the day, and it's how I would have spent it if Paul was alive.  My son did tell me that they're bringing pie over later this evening for us to share together.  I can't pass up pie. 

[Diane R. E.]

As far as Thanksgiving goes, I am home alone today for the first time in my entire life. Last year, my sister had me over for a traditional Thanksgiving dinner with her and her boyfriend. This year she has been out of sorts and her boyfriend is dealing with some health issues, so I didn't even bring up the topic of Thanksgiving. My husband and I had grown accustomed to spending holidays alone (we didn't have children), and we were fine with it. We still made the traditional meal, and watched football, which we both love. This year being alone is proving to be difficult. Add to it the fact that our 38th wedding anniversary is tomorrow, so it's really hard. I wish all of you some measure of comfort and peace. 

[foreverhis]

43 minutes ago, Diane R. E. said:

Add to it the fact that our 38th wedding anniversary is tomorrow, so it's really hard.

I don’t have anything meaningful to add really, but our 38th anniversary would have been tomorrow as well. 

It’s weird the things my brain picks up on.

I don’t exactly “celebrate” the day, but I do still consider it our anniversary. After 3 years, I am more able to celebrate and be grateful that we found each other. More than that, I am thankful that John loved me enough to want to marry me. I am thankful that he was willing to keep loving me despite my faults and imperfections. Neither of us was perfect, but we did seem to be perfect for each other. And that is reason enough to celebrate the life we had together.

I suspect I will always think of it as something in the present, even though John is not with me now.

[KayC]

On 11/24/2021 at 5:29 PM, tnd said:

Haven't been able to look at places yet. The Sarcoidosis has been out of control so I've been under the weather more than usual the past few days.

I am so sorry!  But it's good to hear from you, I was off the computer when you posted Wed. evening and on the road yesterday.  I admit to having been worried about you, I know you can't always be online but we can't help worrying when you're absent.  I'm so sorry you're not feeling up to snuff, I do hope you had a good TG yesterday...ALL of you!

On 11/24/2021 at 5:51 PM, tnd said:

I wonder now if when I get my own place if it's going to ambush me and hit me like a ton of bricks or something.

And that's okay, at least you can have the release of crying then, you have had so much to grieve, it makes sense you've put the intense grief on hold until you're in that safe private place.  (((hugs)))

[KayC]

On 11/24/2021 at 9:00 PM, foreverhis said:

Crying so much had created micro pitting on my corneas.

II knew someone else who went through this, I suggested she get to an opthamologist asap and it's a good thing she did, it saved her eyes.  It helps to use liquid tears to flush out your eyes and TRY to mete out your grief/tears!  Distract yourself as necessary so that it's not over the top/dangerous.
Dosing Crying Time in Grief

On 11/25/2021 at 12:48 AM, Michael M said:

I worry it's a sign I am disconnecting and am just numb.

It's understandable, we DO feel numb sometimes, military or not, this is such a shock, just continue being kind/patient with yourself, remember to value yourself even though your partner is gone.  It took me a long time to get that.

 

[KayC]

On 11/25/2021 at 7:19 AM, annie123 said:

As it was blending, tears were running down my face, but I know he would have been so happy about it.

I love that you did something you knew would honor him.  That's kind of like my putting up the tree...it is in honor of my George because he so loved every holiday, every everything!  I wish you all could have known him and his tremendous zest for life!  He reminded me of a puppy dog wagging it's tail!  

 

On 11/25/2021 at 8:33 AM, Darlene13 said:

This year, I was expecting the same but it's somewhat better. 

I am so glad!

Diane and Annie (foreverhis), thinking of you both as you go through this...

[Diane R. E.]

Just when you think things can't get any worse - bam!   I tripped and fell on my walk this morning and fractured my right humorous. (I'm right handed of course!) The ortho office is closed today but I'm in a heavy duty splint. Not the way I wanted to start the day!  

[John9]

Diane R. E.,

I am so sorry that you had that happen. Sadly as many have found out things CAN be worse and sometimes are. I hope you can get treated and start the recovery soon. Weekends and Holidays are like magnets for bad things to happen aren't they.

[steveb]

I’m very sorry to hear that as well Diane R. E.  I hope you aren’t in too much pain, and have a speedy recovery.  
 

Hugs coming your way,

steve