Loss of a Mother

[MICHAELLS]

No,your not crazy. I am also angry..I miss my Mom everyday also, all I do is cry. I cant even get rid of any of her belongings.I still have her used stick of deodrant.Now Im the one whos crazy.I cant bring myself to throw away one thing that belongs to Mom.She was the only one in my life who was always there for me no matter what,and now even though Im married,sometimes I feel so alone.I know what your going through hun...and Im angry also. I think why did God have to take my 47 year old Mom?She was such a kind hearted woman,who worked overtime to give money every month to ST.Judes Children Hospital.I admired her so much, and even though I am 30 years old,I still want my Mom.YES, I am so mad that shes gone...

[lostwithouthismom]

i keep having dreams of my mother.the past 4 nights ive dreamt of her every night and i dont know how to feel about this.when i dream of my mom a part of me wakes up so happy,refreshed and at peace with myself just being able to see my mother face again even if its only in my dreams but then another part of me feels the emptyness and pain that i feel without her and then i guess i just try not to think about her.i know why i do that but deep down i dont want to.i usually read the bible before i go to sleep everynight and when i do i look at the 2 pictures of her and i that i keep in there.one of just the 2 of us that was taken a few years before she got sick and we were both so happy and and its just an amazing picture to me.the other picture was of her smiling when she was ill and in the hospital for a chemo session.I like to keep these 2 in there to remind me everyday of my life years ago and more importantly of my mother.i guess i just want to know if others sometimes just try to block out the past with theyre loved ones because they cant handle the pain but deep down inside thats the last thing they want.i know one day my journey on earth will end and i'll see her again but sometimes thats not good enough for me.i miss my mom so much right now i would do anything just to be able to see her and hear her voice for a minute to tell her how sorry i am for not giving her my full love and caring when she was ill and to tell her how much i love her now and always.time helps a little and makes it a little easier to move on but the imprint of what happened is always there

g2g bye now everyone

cliff

[camella]

Iknow how you feel. My mom was in a lot of pain and her memory was very bad, but when I remember her, I remember her as she used to be before getting sick. It's only been a little over a month, but I can hardly remember the 'old lady' she had become.

I used to dread fixing her medicine. I'd go up there several times a week and fill up the pill box. What I wouldn't give now to do it one more time!!!! I haven't been able to touch any of them or anything she had on the little table by her chair. Her eyeglasses are just where she left them.

I travel a lot and the hurt went away for a few days. But I went to her house today and it's like it happened yesterday. I don't know when or if the pain will ever go away.

I'm not married and very lonely. My kids are great but live out of state and are living their own lives. Sometimes I think if I were married it would be better, but when you hurt, even those who love you don't always understand your needs.

Best of everything to all.

Cindy

[adione]

Fred....thank you for the song Goodbye from Lionel Richie. I am listening to it as I type this. I made two cds dedicated to my parents after my Mom died in June 2004. I wish I had known about this one. Making the cds was very theraputic for me. I play them when I go to the cemetery or when I am just out in the car and I am thinking about my Mom. Does anyone else find that driving in the car alone brings back memories of the one you have lost. I find myself crying a lot in the car. Tomorrow is once again one of my horrible Wednesdays. Mom died on a Wednesday. I have lost count of how many have gone by since Mom died. Her birthday would have been next Monday. How will I ever get through that day. I really don't know.

Camella , I used to do my Mom's pill box too. I finally got rid of it about a month ago. I still have books that she read stacked right where she left them. Her magnifying glass is sitting there too and the pens she used to do her crossword puzzles. The stuffed moose that my daughter gave her on a present for her last Christmas and that she had tucked under her arm when she died is sitting on the chair that she always sat in with her cushion and the blanket she used when she was cold. My family just leaves them there. When they see me sitting in that chair everyone tends to just avoid me. They know I have to grieve in my own way. I still feel guilty that I didn't say enough to her about how I felt about her. I know she knew but God I wish I could see her one more time..just one more time...love you Mom, always and forever... Adrian

[adione]

"I wanted you for life" and "the memories will last forever and its not easy to say goodbye" What wonderful lyrics "To look into your eyes" What wouldn't I give for that...."There is peace in where you are" I hope so. Take care Mom. Love you forever.....Adrian

[BIJulie]

Hi all –

I’m sure you’ve noticed that the message boards seem a little different. We’ve streamlined the message boards. We’ve unified the forum and thread names and tried to make things less confusing. I hope that it has made things easier for you.

We are considering adding new threads to the topics and would love to hear what you would like to be added. You can write me at julie@beyondindigo.com to share your thoughts and suggestions. I would love to hear from you.

I am also still looking for message board monitors. If you are interested, please let me know!

Take care,

Julie

[frmijac1211]

hey all,

Adrian, Isn't that a great song? The words are so beautiful. Friday the 18th was 7 months since Mom's death. I know some people can't bare to watch video's or hear their loved one voice. For me its comforting to see my mom or hear her voice but also in the same sense its horribly sad. Me and My Father still live in the same house, when its real quite I can almost hear my mom calling my name. When I'm out and call the house, I sometimes expect her to pick up the phone. The best way for me to deal with this is to think, This is going to happen to everyone at some time or another, it just happened to be my turn.

Fred

[adione]

Hello everyone.

Hope everyone has a Happy Easter. My Mom\\\'s birthday would have been on Easter Monday. I still think I should be out getting her a present or a box of Easter chocolates. She loved chocolate so much.

Yes, Fred that song is truly wonderful. I seem to be getting great comfort from it. I too like to look at pictures and videos of my Mom. It makes me sad but it also lets me relive all the wonderful times we had together. I even seem to be coming to terms with the pain I experienced through the palliative care time. That two week period was so painful for me. I just couldn't believe she was leaving me. I will never truly get over those last few hours. Sometimes it feels like a dream and that Mom is still here. Like you say you think they will still be answering the phone or I will say "Oh I will just ask Mom. She'll know the answer to that question." Maybe it just shows how lucky we were to have such a good relationship with our Moms.

Hope everyone gets through Easter with good memories of their loved ones....Adrian

[daisysdaughter]

"I still feel guilty that I didn't say enough to her about how I felt about her. I know she knew but God I wish I could see her one more time..just one more time...love you Mom, always and forever... Adrian"

Adrian-I feel the same as you. I know my Mom knew how much I loved her but I wish I had told her how much she meant to me and how important she was to me. My Mom would get depressed and tell me she was a burden and everyone would be better off without her. Of course I would tell her that wasn't true. That last, horrible day the Dr's told us at 10 am she only had about two hours left. My Mom was very strong and always did things her way. She was fighting so hard and struggling to breath all day. It was about 1 am the next morning and I told her I loved her but I would understand if she wanted to give up and wouldn't be angry with her. Now I feel like what if I said that and she thought I didn't want her anymore because she was a burden. I'm praying she didn't think that. God knows I would have done anything to keep her here no matter what. This is the first holiday without her. I had a pretty good week last week but yesterday morning on my way to work something just came over me and I've been crying a lot since then. Take care Wendy

[camella]

It is a comforting thought to me, as a mother, that I know my children love me and I hope that my mother knows how much I loved her.

I'm not good at computer, so could someone tell me how to download the song '

goodbye'?

You're right about driving. My mind can be far away and all of a sudden, a deep loss comes over me. The pain is unbearable, it's like she just died.

I'm a flight attendant and for years I was in the habit of calling my mother whenever we landed. I still automatically reach for my phone. This is the hardest habit for me to break. I still can't take her phone number off of my speeddial.

My mom thought she was a burden, too. I tried to convince her otherwise, but sometimes I lost my patience. I will pay for that the rest of my life.

I did get some uplifting news of sorts. On the death certificate where it said time between onset and death, it was listed as 'minutes'. She had been in a great deal of pain for sometime, but it would have been much more devastating to know that she had suffered all alone for hours before dying.

Spring is going to be hard. We always planted flowers and tomatoes. I feel guilty doing that now. It's like if she can't plant them, what right do I have to do it.

Best wishes and condolences to all, Cindy

[dartrose]

hello everyone, Im Cheryl and my mother passed away jan 21 2005.my father passed away on my husbands birthday 5 years ago and my mother went down hill soon afterwards. she needed me so much during the past years, the year after my dad passed, 9 more of the family members passed away within months of each other, what a way to have a family reunion. plus I also lost 2 dear friends within this time. so I have had my share of greif. its been 3 weeks since my mothers brother passed away. he did say that he wanted to go with her. I am to the point where I cant feel anything anymore. I have had to disconect myself from all emotions, no I cant cry, I dont even want to remember things of the past. these are all people I grew up with and where so much a part of my life and they are all gone.things with my mother have not always been good, and even in the end when I knew time was limited, I struggled with the pain I felt I had to deal with and unsettled matters with her with the past, yet as the time neared, I came to realize that it dont matter in the end. no need to cause more pain. now im glad that I dident say anything. my sister and I dont get alone very well. but we pulled together for my moms sake. she went to the hospital on a wed, got sent home and we knew she did not have much time, so for the first two nights me and my sister stayed with her, we made it fun and acted like nothing was wrong. then I went home for two nights and then my sister went home for two nights, so we both got to have our time with her. it was my turn to spend time with her on a friday night, cause we where getting a snow storm and my sister lives 45 min away from here. I really dident want to go, but I did and we sat and played cards and watched tv. but not really talking about much, very quite like there was nothing left to say, she work me up at 530 in the morning because she couldent breath, I was there alone with her, hospice couldent get there and my sister would take 45 min to get there. at 630 my mother died in my arms. it was the hardest thing to see and let her go.I sat there what seemed forever just holding her untill someone got there, I still relive that day over and over again, the sounds, the emptyness of the world, I truly felt alone. I feel bad now cause I find it hard to feel anything, someone asked me if I missed her yet, I really dont have a answer for that. why did she have to pick me to die in my arms. my sister cleared out her house in a week all traches of her where gone. and so was she. I hate my sister for that, she did not want any help with anything. its just gone.I dont think I could bear to go to anymore furnals.I have no goodbyes left in me. Cheryl

[lostwithouthismom]

yes i lopst my mothe to cancer

i fucking watch watched that cancer while it ravished ber hody and her mind for over 15 m onthe and ther was nothing i coukd do to help her.i hate cancer and i hate everything it does...god forgive me and lose im sorry...i want to go to sleep

bye

aall

[lostwithouthismom]

guys,im sorry about what i said earlier

it was more of anger and frustration speaking more then how i really feel.

Once again,Im sorry guys

Cliff

[noloveinthislife]

Hello,

As I am male my father expected me to cope with the death of my mother a lot more but the truth is since I was four (my age when my mother died) I have cried myself to sleep almost every night because I just can't cope with it. Since my mother died my father has been in numerous realtionships and none of them have worked out. Currently I am just feeling completely suicidal and I don't know what to do. I have tried talking to psychiatrists about it and have taken Fluoxetine 20mg for the past 6 months but they don't work. Please somebody help me!!

[Wendy1]

My name is Wendy. I haven't been on the sight in a while. But just by reading I can tell there is alot of anger in the things we are reading. I think we all need to take time and remember that we can't question God as for the reasons he took our mothers from us. I lost my mother to cancer of the lung and liver on Jan. 8th 2004. My mother was eveything to me. But before she died we made sure of what I needed to know and how she would talk to me from Heaven. We can't go back and be mad about things that happened because we can't change them. Just always try to be the person they would have been or try to help someone else. When my mother told me she had about 1 to 6 months to live I felt like my life had gone to. And some of you are right when cancer spreads there is no certain time that you will start losing them. I only had about 1 week of what I call sensible time with her. Then after that our roles reversed. I became the mother and she was the child. It was so sad. I a was 33 when my mother passed. There is not a day or time that don't go by I wish I could just say momma you know what or look what I done. I still tell her things and talk to her as if she was still here. I had my mother creamated. Some people think that is un christian like, But to each his on. I like the thought of part of my mother being here with me. She sits on a three teir stand by my front door. On the top shelf is my mother with her rain hat on with yellow sunflowers. The next shelf has her picture on it with two small pictures one of her sister and her husband and the other of my momma and daddy while my momma was pregnant with me. The bottom is her angel and candle from her memorial service. So I guess what I am trying to say is try not to have a heavy heart because they are gone. I know we all miss them so much more than words can say. I know as sick as my mother was I couldn't have been selfish enough to have tried to have kept her here with me. I was very luckly to have had a mother that loved and cared for me the way she did, I thank God everyday for him allowing her to have had me. I just hope that as I get older that when she is watching from above that she will be proud of the person I am and becoming. Please don't anyone take this the wrong way that I mean don't be sad or cry or anything. I just mean look beyond the sadness and see what we had for a short while and be greatful for it. I wish all of you a Happy Easter. I know my mother is having a ball with her family and friends in heaven, I wish I could say the same. I LOVE YOU MOMMA!! Everything will be fine I promise!!

Think Better Thoughts,

Wendy

[BIJulie]

Hi everyone --

I am sorry to hear everyone is having a hard time. It really helps to let the anger you feel out. Losing a loved one is hard and anger is part of grieving. I hope you all will continue to come and share with us.

Thank you Wendy for your post. I know your honesty means a lot to everyone.

Take care everyone,

Julie

[frmijac1211]

Hi All!!

Wendy, I couldn't agree with you more. We should be thankful that we had the relationship we did with our mother's. Carmella if you like here is my email FRMijac1211@aol.com, email me and i'll send you the song "Goodbye". Everyone be strong this Easter Sunday.

Fred

[camella]

Dear All - Hope everyone had as good an Easter as possible. Thanks to everyone who sent me 'goodbye'. It is wonderful.

On Friday, my friend was buried. One year and 2 days after the death of the 27 year old son. She was only 53. I am still in constant pain over my mother dying but like you, I can't feel anything else.

I was on the airplane this morning, a mother and her two young sons were crying. I sent the mother to another seat to collect herself and sat down with the boys. Their father had died a year ago today. Death is all around. Has it always been this way or are we just more attune with it due to our losses.

It's raining and I'm all alone. I'm lonesome but I don't want to be with anyone. Does that make sense? Please someone tell me how to carry on a relationship - I don't have anything to give.

Please keep taking your prozac and try another psychologist. I've been on it for a year. I didn't think it helped until I stopped for about 3 months and I could tell a definite difference.

The death of a mother hurts no matter what your age or sex. Do whatever you need to do, talk to someone. My brother died in 1954 and my father, being the man, was never allowed to grieve. As a result he emotionally died in 1954 as well. His lack of affection effects me to this day. I am still trying to get attention and love from men.

Strenth and love to all.

c

[adione]

Hi everyone

I have just returned from Easter dinner with my family. Everyone was annoyed on the way home that I was listenong to the cd I made after my Mom died. I love to hear ir . It gives me such comfort. Tomorrow would have been Mom's 90th birthday..Happy Birthday Mom!!!..Love you so much....Cindy I am so glad that you got the song Goodbye,,,Thanks Fred I sent it too!!!

I hope everyone is remembering Easter in a positive way!! My family was really great tonight in letting me remember my Mom...Happy Easter Mom...Love you , love you , always and forever...........Adi

Camella......just let relatinships happen. I was emotionally and physically abused in my first marriage. It took me forever to think I could love again but I did. We always have something to give if we look inside ourselves no matter how hard it is!! Never regret feeling the pain the loss of parents can bring on..it just means that we really know how to love. Imagine if we couldn't feel that wonderful feeling. How lucky we are to have loved and been loved. Hugs to you and everyone else who has these feelings of loss.

Cliff.....be angry about cancer. It killed my Mom and my Dad. My brother sat in my family room the day after our mom died and just yelled for 5 minutes or so . He just screamed at the disease that took our Mom. She was cremated and he just kept saying " Burn..Burn..you f'n disease...burn!!!" So don't apologize because you lost it. We have all been there. Take care..my thoughts are with you............Adrian

[slowlyhealing]

I don't really know why but Easter was kind of hard for me. My mom is still here in body... but at times it seems her spirit just wants to break free. I feel my family is falling around me. I feel my friends and I pulling farther away. It could be because all of them live up at my old home and now I'm miles and miles away. Times changes people sometimes for the better, stronger, or sometimes for the worst. I feel that I've grown some for the stronger, but knowing that my mom won't have much longer seems to eat at me at times... (like today) She's still here, and I hold onto that, but... when it comes to when the family gets together, its so hard. I can see everyone knows it won't be long. I see my grandparents who are much stronger christians than I am, and I see my aunts and uncles going around like they normally do when my momma's sittin there unable to eat, sometimes having trouble breathing, and then it seems that my family is staring as though... I did something wrong. I love my mom and I will take care of her until the day come where she goes to be with the Lord, but I didn't cause this illness, I didn't cause her to have ALS, and sometimes it seems people are looking at me as though I did. I know its stupid... my family probably doesn't have a clue on how they portray themselves to me, and I'm probably taking the message wrongly... I'm sorry now I'm just rambling. I'll go now. I don't know how today is going to go but... I'll try my hardest to stay strong. IN prayer for all of ya.

Nicole

[lauraa]

Dear Nicole,

I wish I could be close to you just so I could give you a big hug. What you are going thru is so scarey and lonely (no-matter how many people surround you). I think all the others are just as sad and scared as you are and most people are speechless. I don't think your relatives think you caused your moms sickness....I think they are thinking how good it is that your mom has you and they are thinking how brave and strong you are. And, they are probally wondering how you are doing it. I can tell by your writings that you are strong and committed. The only advice I can give you is to be honest every step of the way. It's o.k. to admit your are scared, angry, tired or "anything" else. This is not easy what you are going thru and I know your brothers are probally really afraid especially never going thru loosing someone you are all close to. Keep telling them that she will just shed her physical body but will live on spiritually. She will walk again and everything else she once did...you just won't be able to see her.....she will pave a place peacefully for when you all meet again...believe that and know she won't be suffering anymore.......I will pray for you and your family.

Laura

[slowlyhealing]

Laura,

I would except that hug. It hurts so much at times, but I know that she'll be in heaven at the end of all this. I know she'll be waiting up there with the almighty Father, she'll be waiting for me to join her. I don't know what the future brings, none of us do... thats the wonder of life. I know your right about my relatives... I don't know whats wrong with me. I guess its finally truly sinking in. I don't have many friends around to talk to me. I no longer have the arms I use to have around me to give me hugs and support me when I need to cry. I cry to God. I don't understand the purpose of this, and I know he does, but sometimes I get so upset I wish he would just take me. Selfish isn't it. Moms still here, and she still needs me and I long to be with her and help her... Its funny how stress takes a toll on ones body. I feel old. I'm only 19 soon to be 20 but... My body's tired, and my mind wonders around as in a daze. I have been trying to restore my relationship with God. I know my relationship is truggling through this too.

I try to be strong for my younger brothers. My 17 year old brother talks to me a lot about what he is feeling or I'll tell him whats going on with mom. My 15 brother is angry, and my pastor is trying to help. I know that its working but I just wish I could take away all their pains. Its not my job, but I long to take away their pain so they could just be normal teenagers. It hurts so much to see them go through this. Okay the tears are flowing now... and I must go. Thank you so much for your prayers, and your thoughts. I know with out them I wouldn't get by.

Nicole

[lauraa]

Nicole,

You are doing a really great job handling everything and I want you to know that everything you are feeling is normal for what you and your family are going thru. Try to stay in this day and don't take to much on...it just creates more stress and you don't need that right now. Just keep talking to your brothers and keep hugging them. I am still asking myself why, why, why? I will never have the answers and I am also trying to restore my faith.....it is normal is slide with all this pain around you. Your doing a really great job. Keep talking to us here and we will lift you and don't be afraid to tell us how you really feel. It's o.k. to feel angry. I know for me that is a really uncomfortable emotion and I don't like feeling that way....but it is o.k. Remember, one day at a time and sometimes only one minute at a time....Laura

[slowlyhealing]

Hey everyone. Tonight is another one of those rough nights. I'm just glad I can get my feelings out there, even if the people don't know me that well, I'm not holding them back. That's definiatly (spell check) not good. I think I'm somewhat past being angry. Emotions are still hurt from how my dad left us right before mom found out about this disease. A part of me thanks God for that. Cause if he had done that now... I think we would all die. My mom wouldn't have hung on to us for much longer.

I've been thinking that maybe this jouney is to help me touch others. I knew for a while that I was going into some counseling field after college, and though... right its tough, I know this trial will help strengthen me to show others people can make it through hard times... it just takes time, and it sure does help to know God will be with us if we believe, even through the darkest times of our hearts.

I went to the doctor today. My blood pressure was a bit high and the nurse was a bit concern but... she says its just stress, and I need to be careful. I just wanted to turn back and say, "Easy for you to say..." but for some reason I had to laugh it off. Funny how a body reacts to stress. I use to just shut down, but now I'm running around the house trying to help, doing school work, not sleeping very much, surely not eating like I should be but... my strength is still here, and for some reason I feel I'm getting back on the right road to my "FATHER" the one that can take away all my pain, no matter how deep it is hidden in my heart.

Thanks Laura for your words and your testimony. There are days like today where one moment I'll be fine, and then the next it seems like I'm back on that roller coaster. Stupid Roller Coasters. I never really liked them... especially the emotional ones. I can't believe I'm almost twenty... A part of me wants mom to last till my 21st birthday, just cause... I'm selfish and I don't have anyone else to share it with but mom and my brothers. Sure my aunts here, but... I would really like mom to be here. If she doesn't make it... I know that she'll be here in my heart for ever and for always. When I get graduate from college, get married, have my babies... Momma will be there, and I'll have a dad there too. God will always be there, for his children.

Thanks again for your thoughts and prayers, another day tomorrow. I'll be in prayer for ya all.

Hope and prayers

Nicole

[adione]

Hello everyone...Spring is finally showing up here. My Mother's birthday would have been yesterday. I was going to go to the cemetery but I just couldn't do it . Maybe in the next few days I will get there.

Nicole...you are so young to be going through what is happening to your mom. ALS is a horrible disease. You sound so strong for such a young age. Your Mom is lucky she has you to care for her. Sometimes I think we misinterpret what our family members are feeling. Sometimes they can't deal with the pain of watching a loved one die either. It is difficult for everyone involved. Keep up your prayers. It always helps. I hope your Mom passes on peacefully. Take care of yourself. I know that is hard to do sometimes. I let myself get really tired when my mom was at her worst and it just made everything so much more difficult. Just remember lots of people are thinking about you and wishing you well....Hugs to you....Adrian

[slowlyhealing]

Hello everyone.

Its another day. I don't yet know how mom slept last night because my aunt stayed over and told me to go to bed. I had to leave early this morning to get to my classes on time, so I have yet been home since I left. Momma had another coughing attack yesterday. Sadly I think they are returning. I knew they would but... its still hard to see that.

I feel much stronger today than I did yesterday. Prayer works, even if its a simple prayer. I can smile today, where as yesterday it seemed so hard too. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers, and internet hugs.

Still here, And God is still in control.

Nicole

[camella]

New feelings

This sounds awful, but I have to tell someone. Has anyone been angry at their parent for something they did during their lifetime?

For some reason I am furious at my mother for always telling me that I would never have any friends, trying to keep me from having fun, and always making me feel guilty. She did this so that she could always be the hero and stop my pain. (the same pain she started) Now I'm left with taking care of all her stuff.

I have no joy, no hope no nothing

[slowlyhealing]

Camella,

I'm sorry for your experiences with your momma. I remember some times where my mom made me so upset because she wouldn't let me do anything my other friends were doing. For some reason it doesn't really matter anymore. I'm more angry at myself for the things I've said to her back in anger. I know how it to be angry at someone though. My father hurt our family really bad, and though this is not the place... When I look back to see what my father had done... I see the things he had done the year before he was arrested, and my mom found out about her ALS. It hurts. He should be here for mom, and me, and my brothers.

I thank God though that he isn't, cause if he had done what he did now, I know mom would surely be gone.

I hope you find joy, Camella. I hope you find hope.

I'm in prayer

Nicole

[lostwithouthismom]

hi everyone

i just got off the phone with my one of my aunties and it look's like my grandpa's nna pass any day now.He's 86 years old but he's such a good strong man and he has lived my granny just the 2 of them all theyre life together without any outside care.Now last week he fell and there was internal bleeding and he had a stroke and got rushed by ambulance to the city.things have just gone downhill really bad now and there's a huge clot in his brain and dont even know if he should have surgery tommorow because of his age.he's already told our granny to leave home and move in with one of his daughters.i was talking to my aunt and she said she was praying to god to just take him home if thats god's will so he doesnt have to suffer.i did the same thing with my mom in her final days after i finally realized she wasnt gonna make it.death is all around us and i just dont know right now.will it ever end?will we ever find peace again or is my life gonna be never ending death.whos next? my dad ? my granny? me?.

something i've been thinking about is if he does die and there will be a funeral soon and im sorry to even be thinking this but i cant imagine going to it.everything thats happening to him reminds me of what my mom went through and her anniversary is in 3 weeks and im stressed out in my life right now as it is.am i selfish to feel this way?i just dont want to be around any more death and grief right now.i feel like im still grieving for my mom right now and if/when he passes any day now im gonna have to go stay at my grannies and go through everything i did 3 years all over again.i dont know how to feel about this right now.

;s cliff

[slowlyhealing]

lostwithouthismom,

I am sorry for your loss. I know its really hard when you loose people close to you. My mom is dying of ALS and I know that it won't be long when I loose her too. My father is already gone, he left after my grandmother died and RIGHT before my mom found out about her disease. I know how it feels to feel like Death is all around you. Life doesn't seem fair, and you wonder if the pain will ever go away. You have come to the right place to talk about you pain. Many of us are still grieving over our losses. I am in prayer for you, and I hope that you find the comfort in God's arms.

Nicole

[babymac326]

Hi, I just found this site tonight and read this entire thread. I can see that some of you have just lost your moms very recently. My prayers go out to all of you.

I have been through it too. My mother died of ovarian cancer when she was 45 years old. I was 14 years old and that was 11 years ago. I don't expect that I can tell you anything you don't already know, but we can be here for each other, provide a place to talk about and remember our moms.

For me, grief comes sporadically. It often hits me in the car, when I hear music that reminds me of her or that time in my life. As someone else said, at that moment, you feel the same grief as right after she died. The whole experience repeats itself. The really awful thing is that I feel like I'm forgetting more of her every day. When I think back, it's getting harder to remember. That part of my life already feels like a dream, closeby, not quite real, and quickly fading.

Her birthday would've been March 26th. She'd have been 56 years old. I wonder if she would've liked the woman I've become. I hope so.

-Erin

[sonia74]

On 4/3/05, it would be one month of my friend's death (my mother). Tonight is one of those night that i just cannot understand why she died at 58.Sometimes i am mad at the world,God and everything.I am the only surviving child of my mother , we were close ,more than mom and daughter relationship.When i was cleaning her stuff , i saw so many things that were so dear to her and death took her away at 58 years. That is not fair.i have three wonderful kids and a good husband but i want my mother back.It hurts so much that i don't know if i will be normal again.i cannot cry , i 'm more like A ROBOT . There are so many thing that i would like to tell her. I hope that i can be half a women,wife and mother that you were. kate.

[slowlyhealing]

Kate and Erin,

I know how it is. Some days I feel as though the world is moving so fast and here I am like a robot trying to live it in this moment. My mom is dying of ALS. I have already lost my father, but right now... here I am loosing another parent, and I know that I'm going to be alone. I just pray to God everyday that He'll give me the strength to face the day, and the hope of another moment with my mom.

I pray that I would be at least half the woman of strength, courage, and love that my mom is and will always be.

I hope you find comfort in this time of hurt and pain. May God bless you and your families.

Nicole

[cherylrwalker]

My heart goes out to all of you. I lost my mom exactly one week ago today. I am at the office and "trying" to get some work done, but all I can think about is my mother.

[slowlyhealing]

I'm praying for you cherylrwalker.

I haven't yet lost my mom, well at least she hasn't gone to heaven yet. She's still here, but not really the same mom as back when. I know it will be hard for me later when she does pass on, but I also know that she's not trapped anymore, and she can walk, dance, sing, speak, and hug.

Thoughts and Prayers

Nikki

[englishruss]

hi guys. long time no speak. i just want you all to know that i read DAILY all the great messages from from the new and old people here.

life is slowly turning around for me (thats not to say i still dont slip down the ladder)....after nearly two years without my wonderful mum i can only now just see a small light at the end of the tunnel of grief. its only the size of a pin head....but its there....and it gives me hope...something that i havent had in all this time.

for all you guys who are in the begginning of their journey...be strong be brave but most of all...be patient.

love and best wishes to you all.

englishruss.x

ps-LOST: good to hear your still around. KEELYNN:Thx for being my internet buddy.

[slowlyhealing]

Englishruss,

Continue on that strong and long journey. I know that in time I will get back on the road to recovery once my mom does pass on, but until then I'll pray for the strength.

May God bless you and give you hope for the journey ahead

Nicole

[camella]

EnglishRuss , I was glad to read your message. It's good to hear that there is a glimmer of hope that life again will be normal without this intense emptiness I think will never end.

Sonia74, I, too, was the only surviving child and there was a relationship between me and my mom that probably only you and I understand. After losing three other children, my mom and I realized that what we had was something special. When she died, I lost the only person who knew me from birth, someone who knew everything about me, good and bad, and loved me unconditionally.

On March 10th, one month after her death, it struck me as being real, she was gone and I hurt more then than ever. I still hurt and it's often, but not constantly as it was for a while. I used to get angry when I saw everyone else living their lives like nothing had happened. How could they act ok when I had just lost someone as wonderful as my mom?

Take care of yourself. Feel what you need to feel and think whatever thoughts keep you going. There is nothing right or wrong at this time. Whatever you do, don't ever feel guilty. She loved you.

c

[sonia74]

Today is 34 days of my mother's death.Thank God that she slept in the Lord.I Don't cry any more but i'm hurt because she was too young to die.I Believe in God But why did you take her away from me.She is in Heaven but i want her but i want with me.If only i can cry,hit something maybe it will take the pain away.Life is just not fair,my mother was nice ( i know everybody says that) she goes out of her to help, she was one in a million. I don't know what is going to happen to me but i will like to be where my mom is. Wherever you are mom,you are the best.

[biadmin]

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[phatmama]

Hello Everybody,

Until I found this site I felt so alone and isolated over the loss of my sweet mother. I felt as if I was the only one that longed for my mother's love after she was gone...but now I can see that I am not alone. I feel your pain when I read your messages. My mom passed away from Small Cell Cancer within 2 months of a diagnosis. She has been gone for a little over a year now and it still seems like yesterday! She was the sweetest lady you would ever want to meet. She loved everybody and the only thing I can think of and I remind myself of Daily:

IS THAT SHE IS AT PEACE WITH THE GOOD LORD AND THERE IS NO PAIN, ONLY BEAUTY AND LOVE. MOST DAYS I ASK GOD TO TAKE ME BECAUSE THE PAIN IS SO BAD. I TALK TO MY MOM WHEN IT GETS REALLY ROUGH! One day it will be our turn and our kids will be left with the same hurt and pain. My grandmother died when i was 18 and my mom would cry and cry for her. I looked at her and said that she still had us (myself and siblings). She looked at me with her tear stained face and said "it is not the same..someday you will understand". I never knew what she meant until now.

I will pray for everyone of you that God will help to ease the pain. Don't be afraid to talk to your mom.....scream Mom I Love You whenever you need to. She will hear you and will not be far from you!

[slowlyhealing]

Thank you phatmama, for your testimony.

My mom has not yet gone "home", yet. She has ALS, but I know her time is getting shorter here on this earth, and her body is growing more and more weary. I remember even in the dark days. When her time comes... She'll be right where God wants her to be. She'll be in heaven, a place where there is no more pain or suffering. She won't be trapped in her earthly body anymore, she'll be able to walk, run, talk, hug, and everything else imaginable, that God truly gave His children.

May God bless you and others with the sharing of your testimony. YOu truly blessed me. May you know that you're never alone. God will always be there and He will place others in your life to fill it with happiness again.

I pray for you all here in this room, May God find you and wrap his loving and comforting arms around you.

Nicole

[barb62]

Today it has been 34 days since my Mom died. She died suddenly in her sleep. I am very grateful to God for taking my Mom in such a peaceful manner but I miss her SOOOO much. Even though she lived 1,000 miles from me we talked all the time. She was my best friend. I feel so empty and lost, I just don't know what to do. I talk to my sisters but they weren't close to my mom and I don't feelthey understand what I am going though. All I want to do is curl up in her lap and have her hold me and tell me everything will be alright.

[slowlyhealing]

barb62,

I wish you all the comfort you need at this time. I know its hard when you don't know who to talk to about your pain and suffering. My mom has not yet left us all, but her ALS... well it changed almost everything about her. Everything but her faith and her love for her children. So many times I just want to crawl on her lap like I did when I was four and fell down or just needed to cry because my feelings were mixed up and I didn't know how to handle it. I can't do that anymore. Not only am I not four and I probably wouldn't even fit on her lap, but momma can't hold me anymore. I can hold my momma, but she can't move her arms to where she can hold me. I know that in time she will leave, and my heart will be even more hurt than it is now at that fact, but I also know that she'll be going to a better place, a place where she can walk, talk, and hug, and when I get up there when my time comes I know that I will not only receive the biggest hug in my life from her, but others will welcome me in and I will be in peace and there will be no more pain for her and no more pain for me. I'll pray for you and pray for peace and comfort to surround you in this time. May God wrap you in his arms, and tell you "everything will be alright."

Love and prayers

nikki

[treefrogangel]

my name is michelle and i lost my mom on november 3 2004. the pain is sooo very overwhelming. i guess i should tell my story. my mom was 55 and she moved in with me and my family when my father made her sell their marrital home in 2000. anyway we were very close. she was my best friend and i cherished her! she had a sister in michigan and her sister was going to have surgery on october 28,2004 so she went to michigan to be there for her sister. on the day she was supposed to come home i got a phone call about 2 hours before i was supposed to go to the airport to pick her up. it was my cousinand she told me (in a very rude and cold way) \\\"she's gone\\\" i said what? she said again she's gone. i thought she was talking about my aunt because she had surgery and i said "aunt ilse?" she said NO! your mom u dumb a** i hung up the phone and dropped to my knees in shock! i couldn't beleive what had just happened!the events of that morning here at my home was weird. i almost had a feeling that something was wrong but couldnot put my finger on it! any way i called my neighbor and she came over here and called my husband home for me. then i had to get myself together and go to my older sisters house and tell her that our mom had dies in her sleep in michigan. i dont really remember much about telling my sister. the rest of that day is still a blur to me.you see this year was a real bad oe for us because in may of 2004 my mother-in-law died from cancer, and november we lost my mom. so you can see it has ben a bad one. my children were my moms angels and i had to tell them she was gone. it was awful! they said she died in her sleep and my aunt) (who i think didn't have the right) made the decision not to have an autopsy done. so we will never know why she died. they did do a toxicology on her and found methadone in her blood.(my mom never took methadone!) i found out a month ago that she was in pain and wouldnt take the methadone when my aunt offered it to her the night before she died so my aunt took it upon herself to put it in my mothers food. i think that is what killed her! the nightmare to come was getting my mom home! we had the worst time getting her home to us here in virginia!we couldnot find an airline to fly her home and the return ticket was no good since she had passed away! it took us 2 days to find an airline to fly her home! the stress and pain was awful!at this point she was still on vacation to me! i didnt get to talk to her the night before she died! i tried for hours to call her that tuesday night but nobody wouldanswer the phone! the lastime i talked to her was monday night the 1st of november. my mother is gone and i am falling apart! my children are a wreck! they lost both grandma's inside of 5 months! no child should have so much pain in their little life so close together! i wish i could help them! but how can i help them when i can not even cope with her death myself! i cry everyday and the pain seems to be getting worse! how do you handle it? how do you go on? the first time we were able to see my mom was on sunday nov 7, and i was so shocked! she had fresh bruises on her arms and she looked so bad. the bruises were not from blood pooling post mortum..only god knows how they got there. the funeral home told us that she was handled very poorly...this hurt my heart so bad! i think the reason i am having such a hard time is because i wasn't there and she was all alone. i mean did she cry for help and no one heard her? did they hear her and not try to help her? was she in alot of pain?all these unanswered questions and what if and if only! i need closure but dont think i will ever have it! help!!! i could use some advice! forever sad and hurting...michelle

[englishruss]

TREEFROGANGEL: God….I would like to start by saying I am sincerely so so sorry for your loss and the circumstances that surround it. My mother too was my world and I lost her two years ago this July. I know how you feel about having no “closure”….my mum died very very unexpectedly and because she wasn’t even “unwell” it was all the more of a shock when it happened. The night before she died I was in a hurry to leave my parents house and to get back to my own house to watch a tv programme of all things…I remember it vividly, I was in a rush (as usual), if id known that the kiss I gave her that night was to be my last and the last time id ever see her things would’ve been different….it took me many months to confront my guilt and to realise that it “wasn’t my fault”.

On the day we lost her, the news was broken to me in a similar way to yourself….my dad called me from the hospital very upset (I didn’t even know my mum had been taken to hospital) he told me I must come to the hospital quick…his words were “your mums not very good son”…I didn’t know at that time she had already left us….I found him in the hospital wandering like a lost boy….ill never ever forget what he said to me and the look of total destruction on his face (im emotional even now) his words were….”im sorry son…im so sorry” even though I didn’t know my mum was ill or even worse, gone…I knew from that moment she had died…I also collapsed to my knees in tears in the hospital.

Since losing my guiding light TREEFROG life has been unbearable for me/us…I could write for hours about life since that day. How will my sisters son live without his grandma’?…he was only 6 months when she passed…what about my kids?…when I have them they’ll never know her?…this hurts sooo much. I lost all my grandparents within 2 years of each other when I was only 8…im now 31…I cherish those few memories I have of them….just like your children will in time.

The truth is TREEFROG is that there is no fast way to get over your loss….part of me/us died on that day my mumma left me..i loved my mum so dearly…so much…I idolise my parents…to me they are the best in the world and I never wanted to imagine life without them.

BUT….ive had to carry on. Ive been close to losing my mind more than once in this time….we too haven’t had closure for my mum because due to the circumstances in which she passed we have taken the hospital to court. This has been dragging on for nearly two years!! I just want my mum to rest now…im sick of it! But on the other hand I want justice for my mum….i don’t want her death to be another sad statistic for the hospital to sweep under the carpet. In that respect I WANT it to happen.

Ive had many sleepless nights wondering if she died in pain and what horror she went thru in the chaotic A+E room….it still haunts me. But as time slowly goes by those horrific images fade TREEFROG…you wont believe me now…trust me I KNOW!! But they do…they will…just be patient…talk about them, confront them! Don’t do as I did and tuck them away…they’ll only come back to slap you harder!

Ive said this many times during my time on this forum site and ill say it again, your probably gonna go thru a horrible storm of grief…the waves of emotions for now will take you under…for me, my head was only just above the water TREEFROG for a long time, now and then youll go under….BUT…like all storms…the waves will and DO get smaller…they will I promise…until one day, like me, youll be able to swim again and breath again, and when the sunshine comes out….itll be your mum…showing how proud of you she is….

Swim with the grief TREEFROG…don’t swim against the tide…itll only drag you down…think what you want to think….do what you MUST do to get by…only YOU know how you feel and only YOU can get yourself thru it. Stick with us here...we’re here for you….i still see a bereavement counsellor…she is an angel….

I hope my words haven’t been too emotional or upsetting for you….it wasn’t my intention…im only trying to offer your some of my experience.

I thought id NEVER be able to live without my mum after she died…but slowly im learning to live again…SLOWLY…SLOWLY…like a pin drop in the ocean…BUT it gives me hope and light at the end of the tunnel

English russ.x

Ps-hi to all the “new” and “old” family here……

Keelynn….thx for being my friend

[lostwithouthismom]

Hi guy's;)

Russ my old friend

Good to finally hear from you!I'm glad your still with us bud and i hope your feeling better during these challenging time's.It seems like it's been so long since we talked bud.I Know we havent talked much this year,so far, as were both going through what will probably be one of the most darkest and painful time's that we will ever face in our journey's of life experience's that we go through.I Know some night's we dont really feel like sharing and we just want to be alone and deal with our pain the best we can.But for the time's that come,and they do come alot,when were ready to talk some more just come and find us here Russ.I miss hearing from you guy's when it's been so long.I Just like to know that your ok and even if your not ok right now,drop bye and let us share these painful time's together.I know this helps Russ because when i first came here last september i was a complete mess with nowhere else to turn.I had kept everything inside of me and was slowly destroying myself with the burden of unimanigable guilt and shame that i had brought on myself.It's taken my a long time and caused me many many painful days and night but i am SLOWLY starting to heal and realize that it wasnt my fault what happened to her and that i did the try my best coping with everything and all the different changes going on and all the same time while i was just entering adulthood and going through my own changes.Looking back i do sometime's wish that i could have being older when it happened because i'd have that much more experience and maybe,just maybe i would have opened my eyes and could have done some things differently.what im trying to say is that when i came here everyone offered me a new ray of hope and helped me recover and come to accept some things.The support that you Russ and many others offered and through your own sharing's helped me more then words can express.I cant say where i would be right now if it wasn't for this site and you guys.)my mom's 3 year anniversary is coming up in 10 days and to this day you guys have being the only one's i have ever talked to about my mother and everything that i have shared with you guys these past months.thats how much support can help us through our darkest day's.

Bud im exhaused now{ } and it feels good to talk some more about this stuff.let it out right?it helps

stay strong russ and all you other's and keep up the faith even through your darkest day's as hard as that might be

I Myself still have some rough day's but theyre coming less and less often and i hope thats part of my healing.

Slowlyhealing:thank you for your support also and i wanted you to know that i really admire your faith and you as a person right now for what your going through and how your handing it.I've been following your stories and i just feel like i can really relate to you and what your going through with your mom in a sence.I don't know much about ALS right now(Just started reading up on it)and i know how unimaginably difficult this period of your life is right now.I watched my mother live with liver cancer for 15+ months(long after the doctor gave her to live)and looking back it was the most difficult and challenging time of my life so far,and probably will be till the day my journey on earth is done as well.I don't know how much help i can be right now but im here if you ever need to talk or if you want to vent or let stuff out...im the guy (lol) i like listening and i know from experience it's good to share what your going through.It took me many many days to finally realize this though.

Stay strong and keep your faith during these day's too as well bud.

On the days that i have question myself,god,my faith and life in general i like to remind myself one of one of my own believe's.That GOD would not put us through something that we cannot bear.We are put here to go through life challenge's and to learn and grow.At least that's what i believe.

But i do believe with all my heart and soul that God really wouldnt put us through something that we cannot bear.It may seem at the time to be unreal and it may shatter our faith and question god but i do believe through it all that we each have our own destiny and that in the end of own challenge's that we all have to face that god will see us through them if we only seek out the help from him.

Anyhow that's just my own belief's and i realize that you all may very well have your own and i respect that.

Till next time guys

have a good one and goodnight;)

cliff

ps.Russ once again:glad to hear from you bud )

[lostwithouthismom]

Russ!!!!!!!!

lol of all night's!!!

I end of writing away for the past hour and hear you are on the site doing the same at the same time! lol glad to hear from you...off to bed now

just wanted to say hi

cliff

[englishruss]

CLIFF!!! buddy!...good to hear from you..we must keep in touch. im still trying to fight my way thru this journey of grief...as we both know, its a long haul!..most of it littered with pot holes and other dangers...but as time slowly goes by i can see a light...its soo tiny cliff..its the size of a pin head...but it gives me hope. for nearly two years now life has been dark...painful and full of heartache..but this tiny light is giving me something to hold onto and it feels good!!

i hope your doing good these days and things are "on the up" for you. its so good to hear from you mate...i feel as tho we've "been thru a lot together". i hope your relationship with your dad has been lifted...and the love for your sis' is still as strong as ever...remember im still here if you need me. i know our mums are watching us a grinning with pride over their "little boys" :-)

keep us informed of your progress mate....good to hear from you and stay brave.

take care cliff...hugs...russ.

[treefrogangel]

ENGLISHRUSS, thank you for taking the time to respond. my life is a never ending emotional roller coaster. I am having such a hard time just getting through the days.. and the nights are worse. as you know my mom lived with me and now the house is so empty and so quiet! i keep waiting for her to come out of her rooma nd say to me "come on shell.. lets go smoke a ciggarette before i go to bed" if only i could hear that 1 more time from her. if only i could see her or talk to her one more time! i just want to hug her and tell her i love her! i am so lost with out her! my heart aches just to hear her voice! i, to am 31 years old and never thought i would have to plan a funeral this early in my life..let alone hers..she was only 55 when she died and had been well! or so we thought she went to the doctors and did all she was supposed to do to take care of hrself...your words inspire me so..although i think the end of the tunnel is way out of my reach right now i hope one day i will reach it before i loose my mind. the death of my mom has made me think real hard about my own like and things in my life.. my husband and i are going to be seperation because he cant handle my depression...he knows what it is like to loose a parent only difference is he was not as close to his mom as i was to my mom. but a seperation is a good thin i think because we have been having problems for the last 2 years and maybe it took me loosing my mom to finally realize just how unhappy i am. and i dont want to live the rest of my life in a marriage that is not going to work. life is too short! boy is that statement ever true!!!!!! funny thing...people told me i would think of my own mortality.. i haven't i think about things life.. what can i do to make my life less stressful? how can i be happy again? is the a better life out there? will i ever find peace? my husband and i have had some rough years and the only reason i think he stays is because of our daughter. i have two kids one from another relationship who is going to be 11 i june and our youngest who just turned 7. although he has been a part of shelby's life since she was 2 i think he has ALWAYS RESENTED HER FOR NOT BEING HIS BIOLOGICAL CHILD! i can tell by how he treats her and the thngs he says! it really hurts me and had always hurt my mom! i miss talking to my mom about things because she was a very wise person who had a real hard life..she was abused by her father for 17 years. then she married my father and he started to abuse her when i was 13. i can remember pulling him off of her and calling the police. so she had a hard time. she was her happiest when she lived with me and she told everyone that! she could have lived on her own but it would have been real hard for her money wise so i made room for her here! that way she would never be alone! anyways there is alot more to the story and maybe tonight i will get the chance to post again. but again thank you for your words of encouragement! they seem to sooth my soul! thanks again russ!

forever sad and hurting.... michelle