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OldGeek

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computermemaw2
I see that this topic is "loss of a partner". Does this apply to a finace' who died as well?

Not Really A Widow, as far as I'm concerned, this site says loss of a partner--your fiance' was just that to you--so--WELCOME, WELCOME, WELCOME! Here you can say anything that's on your mind, blow off steam, cry, tell us your memories, etc. We're here to offer each other support, virtual hugs, and strength because we all have one thing in common--we've lost someone who matters to us and it hurts like hell! We understand your feelings, we know how lost, confused, alone, mad, etc you are because we're all in the same boat. You stay right at this site. It'll help you I promise. Gayle

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Not Really A Widow, Welcome to our family here at Beyond Indigo. We are glad that you are here. I came here to this site almost a year ago after I lost my husband to cancer and everyone here is so fantastic. I have gotten so much support and comfort. We all know first hand just how you are feeling as we all are feeling the same way. Please keep coming here and talking. I feel that talking and crying are releases for the soul and that it helps us to heal. Always remember, you are never alone here. We are all here for each other. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Sue

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Notreallyawidow,

Welcome! And, I'm sorry for your loss. Don't listen to those people who don't support you. Sometimes people just get selfish and self centered. You know in your heart what you and your fiance' had...He was your soulmate! Yes, you belong here and we will help lift you...It's the most awful thing that could happen to anyone...we all know! We will love you and embrace you and together we will help each other...I will write more later as I am off to my grief therapist.......................................Laura

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Okay having difficulties much more today. As the anniversary day approaches, I am constantly thinking of what we were doing last year at this same time. Our marriage anniversary is quickly approaching, it would have been 18 years come March 3rd. I was sitting here at my desk noticing the calender and realized he pasted away exactly 4 weeks after our 17th anniversary.

His birthday is March 8th. My mother suggested my daughter and I make his favorite dinner and cake, and celebrate it as we would have if he were here. He would be 40 this year and would have given me fits as he was three months younger than I. He loved to rub in my face that I always turned older before he did.

I can remember last year I took off the children's spring break days and so did he. We did our usual spring cleaning and cleaned up the yards after the long winter. We had put sheets up over our fruit trees to protect from the frost, and the morning he passed away, the ambulance crew were curious as to why we had our backyard decorated with hanging sheets. I told them it was a new form of art my husband was interested in.

I remember the night before he passed away we had gotten in late as my son had a baseball game. My husband made hamburgers for dinner and went to bed citing he did not feel very well. I remember the awful sleepless nights I had after the incident.

I remember the day of the funeral, I had to tell my daughter her birthday would now be remembered by all, and we would celebrate it to the best of our ability later that evening. I remember my daughter's reply, "I love you mom do not worry about me".

Someone please tell me it gets easier! I was doing good for about 12 weeks, but it seems this curtain of darkness is beginning all over again. Those that have been through a year or more of this tourment......does it lighten up??? Will it be as dark as it was last year?? I just want to be able to breathe and feel like the walls are not closing in.

Dawn

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notreallyawidow

Dawn,

I am sorry for your loss and wish you peace and strength as you face these difficult days ahead, with your wedding anniversary, your husband's birthday and the anniversary of his passing.

To all of you who responded to my post, THANK YOU! :)

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Candystriper, I am looking at the year anniversary of my husbands death tomorrow. It does get easier, but I still have some dark days at times. All i can say is that you will never forget all of the memories and fun times that you shared. One day you will be able to let go and move on and still keep the memories. I wish you peace in your journey ahead and I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. God will see you through this. Take care. Sue

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SILLYGIRL,

I HAVE HAD YOU IN MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS THIS WEEK KNOWING TOMORROW IS YOUR ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY....REMEMBER, IT IS HIS BIRTHDAY....BORN INTO A NEW LIFE IN HEAVEN! YOU ARE IN MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS!..................LAURA

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Hi Everyone,

I havent been on for awhile again. I was reading all of the posts.

This is the place for everyone who has lost a partner, whether a

husband/wife or fiancee. We are all feeling the same pain. It doesnt

matter how long we were with our partner, we have all lost a partner.

Losing the person whom we loved, shared our thoughts and dreams,

that special person who was our soulmate.

I have been trying to find out where I belong. Our family was like

a puzzle that fit together so nicely and now a part of the puzzle

is missing and I cant find out where I fit in anymore. Does this

sound silly? It is very serious for me. I live with out oldest

son and his family and I dont fit in there; I could go to live with

our youngest son and his family and although I think I would fit in

there a little bit better- our oldest son would be hurt if I did.

I need to be alone, yet I find some comfort in being with my son.

The son that I am living with shares my birthday, March 7th, this

year I will turn 59 and he will turn 31. Our first birthday without

my husband, Bob. This is so scarey for me. I took out the card

that Bob gave me last year and held it tight and cried.

Nobody can understand what we all are going through unless they

have gone through it and I am finding out that there are people

who have lost their partner and they dont understand.

Since January, I have been reliving last year and all the events

that led up to Bob leaving. I know that he is better off where

he is because he is out of that horrible pain that cancer

dishes out; but I am having trouble going through all the firsts.

I do have good days, there just arent enough of them to help ease

my pain.

My SSD wasnt approved and I had to get a lawyer, so they tell me

it will take about another 3 months or so. In the meantime, I have

a court trial the week of May 10th and that may go my way. I am

just hoping that SSD doesnt schedule my hearing for that week.

I am taking care of myself much better now that I did for the

first 6 months after Bob passed. So far, all of the medical

reports have come back okay.

Everyone says that it will get easier, but I dont see a big change

since it has been 8 months as of the 27th of this month- my

mothers birthday- she would've been 86 this year.

For those of you who are just coming into this site: I am so sorry

for your loss. But you are at the right place. Everyone here is

a big help and sometimes just knowing that you are not alone helps.

I actually dread the year anniversary because I am already reliving

last year. But I know that Bob wouldnt want me to stay this

depressed, so i have to find out where I belong and what I am

going to do with the rest of my life without him. 8 months without

him has been so extrememly hard for me and I have been avoiding

thinking about the rest of my life; but it is time to start

thinking about it and talking to Bob about it. I know he is with

me, I know he hears me and I know he is trying to help me. That's

how I know its time.

There is a holistic fair in Allentown PA May 14th and 15th and

I plan on being there early and signing up for a really good

psychic. I also plan on having my aura done and a few other

things.

We all just have to hang in there, as hard as it is, because

our soulmates dont want us to go through anymore than we have

to. That is why we are all here to help each other on this site.

God Bless You All in your journey

Joyce

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Dawn,

There are times that I feel like I cant breathe and the walls are

closing in on me; that is when I sit down, close my eyes and

count as I breathe- breathe in to the count of 4 and breathe out

to the count of 4 and I blank out all the noises around me.

This is what helps me, I dont know if it will help you. You have

to find out what helps you calm down and do it.

When Bob passed, I started making photo albums for everyone.

Now, I cant even look at his pictures. So, I take day by day

and I talk to him every day about what I do, what the kids

and grandkids do and what my grief counselor and I talk about

and what my psychiatric therapist talk about.

Sometimes I feel better and sometimes, I feel like I am going

crazy.

Just remember, this is your grieving period. Do it in your own

time and in whatever way is best for you. Everyone here can

tell you what they are going through and what helps them. This

is a site with a lot of great caring people and just knowing

that everyone here will help and understand will help you

get through. Keep talking here, keep coming here--- I know

it will help you.

God Bless you and yours

Joyce

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Laura,

"REMEMBER, IT IS HIS BIRTHDAY....BORN INTO A NEW LIFE IN HEAVEN!"

What a nice way to put it. I havent heard this before from anyone,

but I will remember it June 27th this year and try to think of that

day as the day Bob was reborn instead of the day he left me.

You are a really special person.

I have found, as I believe that you have, that by responding to everyone

who posts here I am being helped by them. We are all helping each other

and that is so special.

God Bless

Joyce

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Joyce,

Boy, am I glad to hear from you...I really have been thinking, worrying and especially praying for you as I know you had a health scare last week.

I wrote to SILLYGIRL, "REMEMBER, IT IS HIS BIRTHDAY...BORN INTO A NEW LIFE IN HEAVEN", because she is the one who wrote that in support to someone here and I wanted her to know I read it, remembered it and didn't forget it! It really touched me and comforted me and "TODAY" I want her to know I am thinking about her and that she has been an inspiration to me and so have you. It truely has been the most difficult time of my life. My therapist says she thinks it's all really raw for me now as I don't have anything to numb me...I am crying more with her now than I ever did. I think before I was numb and in a fog (not that I didn't cry before) but now I cry because I just miss everything about him and still can't believe that he is gone...I'm flooded with memories...good times and challenging times and I find myself in deep despair...I have lost my zest for the good things that life has to offer and feel as if I am starting over. When I read some posts about what the bible says about mediums it is alittle upsetting to me. I feel I am a christian woman and have always done everything to please god and honor god to a point that I feel alone in this world... How can anyone conjure up the dead when my husband presented himself to me in our bedroom window, unsolicited????? When my dad presented himself to my aunt in her home as an appariton, unsolicited????? How my dad presented himself to my husband before he "Passed", unsolicited??? These events sparked my interest in mediumship and I started to investigate. What I have found is spiritualism....and no-one is trying to take me away from my belief in god...I actually feel god led me there! Yes, there are cults and frauds...they are in everything, everywhere.......even clergy as we all have read about....that is why god gave us all the gift of discernment. There is alot of documention on the "afterlife"...it really only confirms what we always believed in anyway...eternal life! It's all about spirit and soul...and that is what we all have anyway! God bless everyone.....Peace!

Laura

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Laura,

Thank you for being so concerned. My chest exray came out clean and I

am so relieved. I have really cut down on my cigarettes- one carton

lasted me a month; now I am trying to quit. My oldest son is on my

case and that doesnt help. He doesnt realize that smoking is an

addictive habit like drugs. Years ago, you could quit easily; but

nowadays they have so much in the cigarettes that it is addictive.

Tomorrow is 8 months since Bob passed and, like you, I am still

having a lot of memories of last year. I am trying to keep in my

mind that tomorrow is 8 months since Bobs new birthday, the day

he started his new life; the life that he is preparing for me

when the day comes that I join him.

You are a very compassionate person and I know this is really

hard; but you are a strong person and you, like all of us here,

will make it.

Bob taught me that there is another life after this one; it is

just on another level. He also believed in God and although he

wasnt as religious as I am- he did believe. Believing in the

after life isnt giving up any beliefs you have in God and the

bible. God say eternity, he just doesnt say exactly how we will

be spending it.

I pray for you and everyone here every night. I know we all can

make it.

God Bless

Joyce

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Today is his birthday. He would've been 35. I guess I'm the angriest about the fact that he was so young and his son is so young. I'm only 24, if I live to see 70, or even 40, that's so many years I'll have to live without him. Everyone tells me I'll move on and find someone else to love me and Brady. He's only been gone 3 months for heavens sake!!!! I don't want to love anyone else, I want my husband back and I don't want to be a single mom and I don't want to feel so alone anymore. I don't know what will come 10 years down the line, but if there is someone else I'll NEVER be able to love them the way I love Brad. I found that one person in my lifetime and I don't have the energy or strength to listen to anyone else tell me "You're so young, you have your whole life ahead of you." I guess I'm selfish to want back my fairy tale because happily ever after wasn't supposed to end at 24, its supposed to be more like 84.

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computermemaw2
Today is his birthday. He would've been 35. I guess I'm the angriest about the fact that he was so young and his son is so young. I'm only 24, if I live to see 70, or even 40, that's so many years I'll have to live without him. Everyone tells me I'll move on and find someone else to love me and Brady.

JenMulloy, I don't think the people who say that to you realize how much they are cutting into your heart. I've gone through the same thing with people I work with. I'm at 13 months with Eddy gone, and the majority of tha time has been with me living on automatic. I've never worn a lot of make-up, and my daughter talked me into going with her to a make-over at Merle Norman to get me out of the house. I ended up getting some new blush and lipsticks. Wearing them to work one day, a friend innocently commented "you look like you're getting ready to go out on a date", meaning to give me a compliment, but the words just cut through to my heart. Another co-worker made the comment to me "When are you going to start dating? We have to find you someone." I wanted to slap her I felt so insulted! I don't know where all of this is going to lead us. I can't even begin to understand how I'm supposed to feel better down the road and have a life without my husband. And I COMPLETELY understand your anger at having your life suddenly pulled out from underneath you. You didn't ask for these changes, you don't like the changes, and all you want is to wake up from this nightmare and have things back the way they were. All I can suggest to help you is to advise you to just take one day at a time. Don't project. Life is going to happen. We're just going to have to take that one day at a time approach and try and get through it. Only you will be able to decide WHEN or IF you want to let someone else share their life with you. For some, the love they had is enough to be satisfied with; for others, the lonliness is too much to bear. I have a 69 year old friend who I ride to grief support with whose husband has been gone 18 months. She told me "I had a wonderful marriage and a wonderful life with my husband. But now, he's gone and I'm alone. And I have so much love still left in me to give, I find I'm at a place in my heart where I'm ready to let someone else in, just for companionship. I'll never love another like I did my husband, but I don't want to be alone." Then, a close friend told me "You'll never love another like you did your first love. You'll always love him. But your heart can love another. It will just be a different kind of love. But only you can decide if you're going to be content with the memories from the past or need the companionship of someone else to live in the now." I don't know if this is making any sense to you or not. But only you know how you want to live your life. Don't let anyone push you into something you're not ready for. The emotions in you right now are so close to the surface, everything's too new, too fresh, too raw and painful! Just concentrate on keeping yourself together for you and Brady. I think you'll find you'll get into a routine that will get you through the day and allow yourself to come to terms with what's happend. When it's not so fresh, so raw, so painful, then maybe you can think about what do you want the future to hold for you. For me, I'm 54 and was married for 33 years. Good times and bad. My husband could be a pain in the butt at times, but he was mine and I loved him. I still love him. At this moment in time, for me, that's enough to live on for my future. I've never once looked at another man, never wanted to--I was content with what I had. I'm still content now. I miss him like crazy, still cry every day, and wish he were back here with me with all my heart. Right now, I'm in a place where I can't see myself letting another into my heart. I talked to a chaplain who told me "Only you will know if that's enough or if you need companionship." I'm saying the same thing to you. It's too new for you right now. Looking down the road thinking what's it going to be like in the next 10 years might as well be asking what the next 100 years will be like. It's too overwelming. You can't even imagine having a life with your husband. Don't rush things Jenmulloy. Heal. Remember how you felt with your husband. And let that warmth of love wash over you. We can only take it one day at a time, one step at a time. You're not selfish at wanting your fairy tale life back. We all wish for that. Your emotions are what they are. We've got to feel them all before we can go forward. Keep posting. Gayle

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stillcantbreathe

Denzel was killed Dec 17,2004. It's been the hardest thing just trying to live now daze. We have 2 boys. One is 1yr and the other is 3yrs. Everyone says keep your head up, it will get easier. It's not. It gets harder everyday. I read someone saying she needed him to touch her and/or hold her, I so know what you mean. You get so use to your life after being there for seven yrs and than out of no where it's just over and everything you had is now some sad memory that makes you want to kill yourself just to stop the hurt. I'm not trying to take nothing from his mother I know she maybe in deep hurt too but I woke up to him everyday for 7yrs and that was my family even more so than my own. I'm still trying to gather the thought in mind just to believe it. He just turned 27. He was in the ground 2 daze before I turned 27 and a happy fucking new year. You don't prepare for death at 27yrs. We never thought of that. Doctors can fix everything. If your born with a fifth leg hanging out your ass doctors fix that. He never had to see a doctor for anything since we been together. We knew the man that killed him. If he had some kind of problem with him you be a man and fight him. You can't beat him, call the police. I baby sat his 4yr old, his kid played with ours and I am sooo floored. They hung out together before. And if thats not enough to deal with, my husband's family blames me. I am almost postal. I would give everything to get him back or just to hold him. It's not a moment in the day I don't think of him. My oldest son is dead on him and sometimes I can't even look at him. My friends say just go on with my life but its not that easy. If I could just make it stop hurting maybe I could sleep. Is the world really this cold? If there is a God why don't he do something? I am still trying to think of what I done wrong in this life to make this happen to me.

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computermemaw2
If there is a God why don't he do something? I am still trying to think of what I done wrong in this life to make this happen to me.

My dear, you did nothing wrong. And you're not the first to ask that same question. I, too, cried to God "what did I do that was so bad that the only punishment cruel enough for me was to take my husband?" Deep in my heart I know God didn't take my husband as a punishment to me, but getting my head and heart to come to the same way of thinking has been a challenge. A friend of the family sent me a CD I listen to called "When Bad Things Happen to Good People." Basically the message is this--it just happens. We don't understand and we'll never get the answers we need to know until we reach the next life. I'm so sorry you're having to go through your beginning stages of grief. Just please keep in mind, we're all here for you. We understand your pain and sorrows. In the initial stages of my grief I prayed for death daily I was in such despair. Obviously since I'm still here 13 months later, it's just not my time yet. I, too, miss my husband desperately and want more than anything for him to be back here with me. But I can't turn back time as much as I'd like to. I just concentrate on today. For me, right now, that's enough. I don't plan for tomorrows since there just doesn't seem to be much joy right now without my husband. But, even though it won't bring back your husband, and certainly doesn't take the place of his warm arms around you at night, TRY and remember this--remember the time you had with him and remember how blessed you were to have him in your life--and what a wonderful gift he gave you--your precious children and his love. Your memories will be bittersweet, but think of what your life would have lacked had you not been so blessed. Just take one day at a time. Come back here and post as often as necessary. You need an avenue to vent, rage, ponder on your thoughts, whatever. You just have to remember to keep breathing in and out and moving one step at a time. We're here for you. Gayle

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Joyce, Laura, Sillygirl and notreallyawidow,

Thank you for your kind words. I am trying to keep busy through these next 5 weeks. I have scheduled things to keep my mind occupied but never-the-less find myself drifting off to those days before his death, wondering what if and why. I know it is not my place to ask, but human nature leads me down those roads. Thank you for listening and to all your replies. This place truley is one of encouragement and I will continue to pray for your families as well as mine.

Dawn

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Hi to everyone...Well, it has now been 1 year since my husband has died. The 26th marked that. Our entire family went to Gatlinburg to celebrate his life just as he would have wanted us to. We all had a great time, remembered the good times and talked about the sad times. They have all come along way since last year at this time. I am very proud of all of them. He was there with us this weekend, my oldest daughter smelled his cologne that he used to wear,my bro-in-law dreamed about him and almost all of us felt him in some way. It was truely a blessed experience. I am so thankful that God allows us to feel our loved ones presence in some way just to let us know that they are ok and still watching over us. To all of you that maybe just starting this long road of grieving, you are not alone. We are all here for you. Dont ever hide how you feel, deal with your feelings, express them and write it down if you need to. Your journey is just beginning but we all will help you along the way, we'll help pick you up when you're down and we'll listen when you need to talk. I will keep all of you in my prayers and thoughts, old friends and new ones too. Gods' peace, strength and comfort to all of you. Take care Sue

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Gayle

Thank you for your kind words. I often wonder about the different outlooks on lives depending on the generation. I wasn't blessed with 33 years of marriage, which I really do feel I was robbed of, yet I had almost 8 wonderful years with Brad. We, like any other couple, had our ups and downs. Mine mostly being that I didn't sign up to be married to his whole family, which is how it seemed sometimes. But, that's just a typical complaint. Right now I'm looking for our wedding video. I've searched and searched and can't find it and think it's someone's way of trying to tell me not to do that to myself right now. His family for the most part, has been pretty supportive. They get nosy when it comes to insurance settlements and who I'll leave Brady to if I die. I'm terribly sorry for your loss also and pray that you are getting the love and support you need right now. I too had a lady at work, who I knew very little, who asked me hurtful questions about my husbands death. I just want to hit people sometimes, it's like they don't stop and think about you and how you must feel. Right now I'm trying to get over my initial shock of seeing "widow" and "single mom". My best friend from high school told me that I was so young and that now that she's getting divorced we can go looking for men and I guess just because we've been so close for so many years that just stung worse than anybody else. I don't know, maybe I'm just oversensitive sometimes, but I really just want to hide sometimes for the fear of what people say without thinking at all. I hope all finds everyone well, I'm just thankful to make it through another day.

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Laura- I am REALLY INTERESTED in finding a REAL MEDIUM. I NEED IT! Me and my husband were having such a really bad time before he passed. 3 wks before he died I found out that he had an affair. He ended it. He was trying so hard to make things right, but I WAS SO DAMN HURT. I was so awful to him before this happened and I never even had time to come to terms with the affair then he was gone. I need to talk to someone to really know that he hears me. OFCOURSE I have forgiven him. Only I feel as though it is too late. I cant stand any of this. It is really getting to me. I loved him so much. I miss him so much and I need him. I cant take thinking that forever I have to live with the hurtful things I said to him because of how my heart felt ripped out of my chest by his foolish actions. I KNOW HE LOVED ME. I knew it when that happened. I know that when people do that it is about them not the person they are married to. I tried to be a good wife but we all have our shorcomings. I always loved him so much. Now this.This makes my situation a little different I know. But he was a good man. He just got caught up in something he shouldnt have.

Help me guys I really need it. Thanks for always being here.

Neva

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Nev and Everyone,

I couldnt sleep tonight, I went to bed at 11PM and I woke up and I

cant get back to sleep. It's almost 4 am and I am awake. Usually

when this happens, I come here and post and then I seem to be able

to fall asleep.

There are a lot of good physics out there. I went to a holistic fair

last year in Allentown,PA and watched Ted Silverhand and I was

just amazed at a reading he gave one lady. He was so completely

on target from her responses that I am going to have to contact

him. he has a website, www.tedsilverhand.com.

Nev,

My husband had an affair that lasted 2 years on and off. I found

out about it 2 years before he passed and although we talked about

it a little after I found out; I knew when it was happening.

I knew every time he was with her. We had a connection that was

so much more than physical. Bob used to tell me that nobody is

perfect, if they were they would be hanging on a cross in their

front yard. We accepted each other they way we were; we forgave

each others faults.

My mother told me once, "If you really love someone and they

want to go, let them go. They will come back if they really love

you." We all go back to the ones we love.

The people who have affairs that really dont love their

spouse dont come back-- they leave.

But I completely understand your needing to speak to a medium,

for I needone too. I just have to get my financial situation

settled first. I went to one over the summer, but that was

just for validation that my loved ones and my husband are

with me.

Take care. Remember to do something for yourself at least once

a week and tell your husband about it. This helps me and believe

me, the 27th was 8 months since Bob passed and it was a bad day

for me. So, I sat in front of the TV and watched all the old

movies and relaxed. This was good for me because the kids werent

home and it was nice and quiet. Then before I went to bed that

night,I told Bob all about it and then said to him, "But you

know what I did, because you are here with me" and I laughed.

I dont know about it getting easier, but some days are bearable.

I'm going to turn 59, so I dont have as many years to go without

Bob as some of you do without your spouse; but I intend to make

each day count in his memory.

For those of you who have people saying things that hurt; someone

told me that it was time to find someone and my remark was," I

dont want to have to train another man. I dont want to share

what I have left of my life with anyone else but Bob. Anyway,

two's company and three's a crowd."

Take care, God Bless everyone

Joyce

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Everyone,

As I read all your post my heart understands and goes out to you all. Grieving the loss of our loved ones is the hardest thing any of us will ever do. There is no right or wrong way of doing it. It's definitely a "slow torture" as far as I'm concerned. I understand the sleepless nights. I understand the worries, family dynamics, financial worries, children, etc. Look at all the things we have to deal with on top of grieving for the people who have meant everything to us. It's all way to much! Sometimes, I just feel numb..other times over riden with anxiety....and overwhelming saddness. I think we all have to feel everything to the debths of our souls in order to get thru all this. Our loved ones are with us and watching over us. I cry when I think of how much my husband suffered and knowing his biggest pain/suffering was leaving his family that he loved so much....I think often of the day he "passed" and the look on his face...my heart skips with all these memories! Sometimes, I cry when I think he is in a casket in the ground and I'm totally overwhelmed by that thought but then I know in my heart that he really isn't there and he just shed his physical body but his spirit and soul lives on. I have no zest for life like I once did and I'm not sure I will ever find it again but I do have 3 beautiful children who fuel me each and everyday. I try and think what my husband would want me to do and I know he definitely would not want me to be sad or depressed....I ache for him each minute of everyday and still ask why? I'll never understand as long as I live...Why do the "good die young". I also know that if things were reversed and I was the one to "pass" that he would feel the same way I do. Grieving is something you can't go over or around but something we all need to "go through". I feel so low on energy and sometimes just getting thru a day is a huge accomplishment...then I just have to make it thru the night and sleep....if no sleep then thru another day exhausted. To many worries! So, let's all take it one day at a time, one minute at a time to get thru this. God comforts those who mourn, right? The one question I can't get out of my mind is....If god is so powerful then why didn't he heal my husband...we did everything...why? That is what holds me back from my prayers to him and I know it is the anger but why did he take my husband who was so good himself and did so much good for this world?????? Does anybody have an explaination for that???? It would help me to know. How can I forgive and move on...I could always solve problems and be a motivating force for everyone around me and now I'm just existing. Can anyone understand how I feel...I just hate feeling like this but I have alot to grieve thru!...Thanks for listening.

Laura

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Laura,

You have beeb so strong for everybody else on this site. Please stay strong for yourself, too. I know exactly what you are going through, because I feel the same way. Like you, I feel cheated out of the life that my husband and I had planned. Our husbands were so young to leave this world and we may never know why, but for some reason, God made the decision to have our husbands with Him rather than here with us. My husband suffered too. Cancer is the most horrible thing that has ever existed. I prayed for God to take the cancer from him and to stop the pain. My prayers were answered, just like yours, but the answer was much different than what we, as humans, found necessary. God did remove Tom's cancer, He did stop the pain, but in order to do that He did have to take Tom from this place. I am trying to be strong for my children and for myself, but sometimes find it hard. I pray that God will give all of us on this site the strength to carry on our "mission" and to continue to uplift others that are suffering, like we are, to be an example of faith and love. Please take care and know that you are making a positive difference to others.

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Dear ssg1legal,

Thank you for your point of view...I am always listening....I'm just tired and get really low on energy from it all. I really do know my husband is with god...I am just mad that he is gone! He was the best guy I ever knew in my entire life besides my dad and I just miss them both so much! Considering everything I'm probally doing very well....just hurting! Nobody ever said life was fair. Thanks for helping to lift me today. We are all going thru alot of things and in unfamiliar territory....and out of our comfort zone in a big way.....I really do know my husband would not want me to be unhappy/depressed/sad......but he went thru all that when he was sick so I guess it's my turn. I just can't accept going the rest of the way without him...we worked together our entire lives since we were 14 and had goals and family was everything to us since ours were all screwed up...he never knew his father so being a dad meant everything to him and knowing he could leave us just destroyed him. When I think of that it is so upsetting and watching my kids go on without him (their role model)is so difficult! But, they do amaze me that they are forging on....I guess it's the only thing to do. Thanks for listening and together we will all survive..................Laura

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Laura-

You are truly an inspiration to us all. I can't thank you enough for all the help that you give to us here on this site. I am quite sure that your husband is smiling down on you. Proud of the way that you rally us all on in this most difficult time. I do understand your anger. I have lived with that same anger since I lost my son Max during pregnancy 3 yrs ago. Now too my husband. I completely stopped praying for 3 yrs. Now I find that I pray. I have changed my concept of God and the universe. Isnt all of religion about our own personal beliefs? I feel that we all have to find what works. I am most anxious to go to a Spiritual Church. My great great uncle went years ago when spiritualism was really in its prime. I find that just fascinating! I think that everything that you are feeling is completely normal. Once again I can never thank you enough for your kind and supportive words. You are a blessing to this world. Everything you say makes sense to me.

I just had something happen today that struck a pain in my stomache that was unreal. I saw a man who just really put me in the mind of my Bill. It was just like WOW. OH MY GOD HE IS GONE. I am playing a game with myself, one that is probably not helping me. But I am weak and cant face it all just yet. I never let myself think about him too much in the physical. I cant stand it. But seeing someone who looks similiar was such a wake up call. Can anyone tell me how you all deal with this? I think of him in abstract. That is the only way I know how right now. Even when I look at his pictures I dont go all the way into my grief. I feel a build up and I am probably going to need to change things. I need to call the grief counselor I am sure to get to working on all of this. It is not enough to just survive and get through one day at a time. I need to work on healing. I cannot feel this way for a LONG TIME. I will ALWAYS hurt for him but I have to find a new life for myself. Somehow. I know it will never go away. I will always miss him and love him. FOREVER. Please take care everyone.

Neva

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Hi Neva....Thanks, it means alot to me to know I am making a difference with everyone who post here...I have always tried to make a difference in everything that I've ever done thru-out my life. As far as churches go....I would consider myself not religious at all but more spiritual with my beliefs which do paralel with my christian upbringing....eternal life! And honestly, I have developed an adversity to the church with all the clergy that have abused children and the "coverups"....I think of those children being in the most sacred place they know and then having something like that happen and I get so mad and I also get mad that people aren't completely enraged by it...I think we only see the tip of the iceburg and, yes it happens in all walks of life but it not suppose to happen at church....I mostly pray to god, alone, privately...that's when I think he hears our prayers and he can see the purity in our hearts...god knows the truth about us. I always told my husband and my kids not to tell me they love but to "show" me(actions speak louder than words)...I think that's what god see's from all of us, to make a difference and always carry him close to our hearts and to live by the "golden rule". That is what my husband and I lived by. I guess I will just have to hold him close to my heart, too and know he is with me always the rest of the way and "Til we meet again"....Let me k now how you make out with your search.

Laura

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Laura, SSg1legal, Nev and everyone,

You are all right; Laura is very much a strong force on this site. I have

found that she has helped me a lot during the past months.

This is a journey that we all have to take in our own time and our grieving

is unique to each one of us separately; but at the same time, we all share

in our grief.

I am very religious, although I am not a real church goer. My Mom used to

tell me that God hears us- even if we are on the John. I have always prayed

to God, but when Bob passed, I stopped for awhile. Then I realized that

my grandmother was right when she told us grandchildren that when we were

born, God took our name from the born drawer in his cabinet and placed it

in the return home drawer in the cabinet and this would be the day that

we returned home to him. It was up to us to live a life that was good;

caring about others, helping others.

When Bob was suffering from cancer, I asked God to stop the pain and heal

him. I blocked out the fact that he couldnt be saved- even though Bob kept

telling me that the cancer was throughout his insides. The doctors hadnt

been able to tell exactly where the cancer was until 3 weeks before Bob

left me to go home.

I had to stop showing my love for him two weeks before he passed because

every time I showed him affection,he went balistic on me. His body would

shake and fling itself all over the bed. I couldnt control him. I will never

forget the sadness in his eyes when he was leaving. I still cant say he

died because I know that he is here, just not physically. The only reason

that I have adjusted as well as I have is because I look at his can of

ashes every day and that is reality. I know that he didnt want to leave

me, i know that he loved me because he stopped his affair and we were

working out things: I have done a lot of thinking this past 8 months:

at first, I was mad at God

Then I was mad at Bob for leaving me with so many unanswered questions

Then I was mad at myself for not asking a lot of questions before he left

Then I started all the WHYS: why him, why now, why not me,why did he have

to suffer so much

Then the What Did I Do to make God mad enough to take Bob from me

I got no answers, of course- none of us do.

The only thing I do know is that I have to complete my life here on earth

so that I can join Bob.( I listened to Bob talking to people who have passed

and I know that he will come to me when it is my time.) How I live the rest

of my life is what I am concerned about. I dont know how to go on without

Bob, but I am trying to figure that out now.

I pray to God every night and the first thing I ask him is that he

bless Bob and I assure him that Bob was a really good man and he left

behind great sons and grandchilren (even though I know that God knows this).

After I pray, I talk to Bob. I know that he knows that I will be okay

because I am very strong and independent; I guess I need to assure myself

that he knows. I tell Bob the problems I have, the hurt I am going through

and before I go to sleep, I ask Bob to hold me through the night.

I dont write in my journal as much, I am really too busy talking to Bob

throughout the day and night. When I watch TV or listen to the radio,

I find myself talking to Bob as if he were next to me. A few weeks ago,

The Twist by Chubby Checker came on the radio as I was pulling in front

of the house. I was going to turn it off because it was our dancing song,

but I looked out the window and saw Bob dancing and I froze. Today, I

heard the Pony and again I saw Bob dancing it. I dont know if it was my

mind or if I really saw him; but I kept the songs playing- the first times

I could listen to these songs. A couple of months ago, I have really lost

the sense of time now, I couldnt get the song, Turn Around Look at Me, out

of my mind and I turned around and felt Bob there. Is this me or is it Bob?

some people have said my mind is playing tricks on me; but I dont believe

that's it. It's Bob.

Do whatever helps you through your grieving and dont listen to whatever

anyone says, because they dont know unless they have lost their soul mate.

One day at a time; one minute at a time--whatever helps you.

The one thing i can tell all of you is: These past 8 months have been

hell for me; but when I look back, I can see that I am starting to adjust.

That is thanks to all of you and Laura.

god Bless you all

joyce

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Joyce

I am so happy that Bob's presence is still so strong in your life. I am sad because I am getting NOTHING from Bill. I am like HELLOOOO! Where are you. can it be like I read that he is just recently passed and needs to take care of things there before he can "visit" me? Or what is happening. I am a STRONG BELIEVER My husband knew that so where the hell is he? I need him now so much it hurts. I talk to him too. No answers yet! LOL I just need to connect with him so that I can keep walking this journey through hell. Noone knows what we are going through unless they have been here done this.

Neva

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Hi Joyce, Nev, Ssgilegal and Everyone,

Thank you all for your kind words...it really means alot to me! I know and can sense that you are all really good people with deep spirituality. It has helped me to post here and put my feelings into words...even if they sometimes don't make sense or are angry. I think for me now I get sad because life goes on and I don't want people to forget my husband....I talked with a friend the other night and had a candid conversation with her and I asked her what happens after a funeral and where does everybody go....not to be critical but I just am trying to figure out how people on the outside feel...She said they wanted to call but felt we needed out privacy and time...and that we were busy with calls, etc. I said no-one calls so everyone must think the same thing. I guess that's a lesson for us in the future to know how to help comfort others who loose a love one....call and visit....and, I don't think we would have to say alot just be there. Just a touch or just to say I can't image what you going thru but I think of you often, just so they know. It has been a very lonely road and we all have needed to find our place just so we don't go "nuts". The truth is, "everyone" at one time or another will go thru this....so, I guess we are their examples. I think what we have gone thru just scares the daylights out of people and hits close to home and they just don't or can't deal with it. Sometimes, I surprise myself because I never thought I could live a life without my husband. We were like a pair of shoes together, "a perfect match". I know we had what others long for. Someone told me that when they got sick their wife left them and he was so impressed that I took care of my husband til he "passed"...I said, I really, really loved him and if your wife left you it wasn't love...I think he was really jealous that he never had that.....For "better or worse" and in "sickness and health"...I took those vows very seriously and when I feel in love I fell deep.....So that's why I say, "we grieve as deep as we loved". My husband left a deep mark with me and everyone he was around and has left a legacy and I know he will always be with me...I feel him and when I close my eyes I see his face. He is one of the bravest people I have ever known. I will pray for all of you.

Laura

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cvaughan598

Jenmulloy, computermemaw, and everyone

Isn't it nice how people look at us and think that because our husbands/my wife are gone that we will just be able to up and move on? I AM trying to meet new people... but that is not for a relationship. My brother and I were talking about my house and how it is still Rikki's house... and it is. It was the house WE picked out, WE built, WE moved into, and WE lived in. Nobody else will be able to come in there and be comfortable because that is my wife's house. Besides that, because Madison is SO young, I have pictures of Rikki all over the house and specific things of hers still around for Madison's sake and rememberance. It helps me too, thinking that she is still with me. I know she is with Madison, I just haven't been able to feel her presense lately.

I have a coworker and fellow coach who is trying to find a teacher to hook me up with. I tried to be as nice as I could about it. When all of your "friends" are all married or engaged, it makes it hard when you are the only one with a child and you are widowed. I agree jenmulloy, seeing widowed, and single parent have been a hard transition for me too. You just get really tired of people pulling the whole you are so young... My mom did it to me yesterday. I told her that I have had the love of my life and that my heart CAN'T open up to anyone else the way it did for Rikki. She told me that she hoped that wasn't the case and that I would be miserable and blah, blah, blah. I have heard that when you have a true love/first love that you don't ever stop loving them... but the love for someone else is "different." You love different things about them and love them differently. I just don't see how that can happen when you have your TRUE loves children. Maybe I'm young and nieve... or maybe society just has no heart and just thinks its like someone who is divorced or breaks up in a long term relationship. It isn't, but people treat it like it is. It is very difficult.

I'm coming up on 7 months without Rikki on Sunday. I've been riding the roller coaster over the past several months... And to think, riding roller coasters was one of the things that Rikki and I LOVED to do. Hope everyone is doing "better" and I'm thinking and praying for each of you... As hard as that is too...

Chris

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Funny how you mentioned that noone is calling. Just this morning my mom was aggravated at how all these people said to me if you need anything call. She said nobody is calling to see if you need anything. I know that. I think they know that i have my mom and dad to help me. People are afraid that what we are going through may be "contagious". THEY ALSO HAVE NO CLUE. I hear people complain about the most PETTY CRAP and think it is the end of the world. Pisses me off (excuse the language) but that is how I feel. I know what is the HARD STUFF- we all do here. This is unbearably hard. It takes all of our energy to just try to function on some level of "Normal". Normal is gone. I hate it so bad. I miss him so much. Chris- I know that you wish they wouldnt do that to you but they have good intentions. However misguided they may be! Noone will ever replace the one we lost and I feel that it is completely individual as to when a person will be ready to have a new companion. I myself am ALONE in my home. With my dogs and cats. My son is in heaven with his father, so for me trying to find a companion will be much different for those who have the beautiful gift of a child left here from your loved ones. I know that if Max was here instead of in heaven then it would be completely different for me. I would not be bouncing off these lonely walls quite as badly as I do now. I am wanting to heal and come to a place where I can let someone else in. I know that it will be VERY HARD as I think my husband was the one TRUE LOVE for me. God knows it wasnt perfect but I loved my husband and my marriage. It was everything to me. I will NEVER MARRY again, but I hate to think of being alone forever. I need a companion. That is part of the way I am. I am not ready nor will I be for along time. Just the same I see it in my future to help me to heal. This is a heartache that we will all carry with us until the day we die. I know a few people who have lost their loved one and they have remarried and seem to be happy again. I think though it does take time. I hope you all are doing ok today. I am thinking of you all. I cant pray much but I am sending you blessings.

Neva

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cvaughan598

Nev,

I know it is hard alone... and sometimes its like my "blessing" is not a "blessing." She is starting to figure out how to crawl and babbling, cutting teeth... rolling around and scaring the daylights out of me when she falls over from sitting up... All things Rikki should be here to experience with me. I can't imagine what it would be like to lose my wife and my little girl. I think I would be shortly behind them if anything were to happen to Madison. She is the reason that I am here now. I think companion might be a good word for my family to pick up on. I don't think I will ever be married. I don't think I can. How can I stand in a pulpit and get married knowing that I was married before? Or light a unity candle knowing my favorite wedding picture of Rikki and I was us lighting our Unity Candle. Maybe someday I will be able to accept a companion as not to be alone... but I just don't see it as ever finding another to marry.

My aunt lost her first husband when she was pregnant with my cousin. She said it killed her to sit at soccer games, parent meetings, anything really... because everyone else had such petty issues. She was debating how she was going to raise a daughter on her own and how to let her daughter know something about her father. She said the one that got her the most was people talking about the issues they had with their spouses and how they were getting a divorce or cheating or whatever. She said it was the hardest thing to keep from turning around and cursing them or beating the crap out of them.

She was a big help when all of this started. She has backed off now though. I can't blame her, she is about the only one that I can see backing off. Because my situation has to bring back memories and issues with hers that she has tried to get past. My cousin is 18 years old. So it has been 18 years since she lost her husband... and she still talks about him like it was yesterday. That helps to know that my memories will never fade, but that those same memories will eat at me knowing what could have been... This is just so difficult to go through. I just wish there was a rewind button somewhere that I could push and go back to the way things were...

Peace and prayers be with you all...

Chris

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Nev, etal I am coming up on my second year without my soulmate (May1st) and I feel as though it was just a short time ago when he died. I find that my second year was harder than the first I guess because I am out of the fog and thrown into reality. Like you, I am still wondering why I haven't felt him or seen him or dreamt of him yet. We were so close. My sister use to call us Barbie and Ken. We were together 46 years and I am still haven't a horrific time. I have done all that I am suppose to do: I got a part-time job, I go to lunch with friends, I do crafts, I exercise; all of these things don't help when I am by myself. I try to picture my Tom in another dimension but I only see him in the physical. I know God is with me as I am a devout believer but I wonder why I don't feel my husband with me. I think once I do I will be comforted by that. I pray for all of you as I know you all have a difficult road to travel. Someday we will all feel lighthearted again and will feel the need to want to go on living. God bless!

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Hi Everyone,

I agree with everything you all are saying...always! It has been almost 10 months since I lost my husband...I still can't even believe I'm saying that...don't know if I will ever get use to it! I can't say certain words, like....widow, died, or think to far into the future. I don't think I have as many things going on now that are numbing me like they did in the beginning so it is easier to feel the magnitude of my loss...I think our psychics protect us when needed so it's not to much to send us over the edge. I laid in bed last night and still cried and wondered how am I going to go on the rest of the way without him....he was my first and only love. No-one else ever appealed to me...maybe that was just because I loved him so much! This is an emtiness that is just indescribable...it's hollow. It's deep and it's broken.....I hope time will heal all of our wounds! My husband was in my dream last night but I woke up shortly after I saw him which was disappointing, so I tried to go back to sleep so I could pick up where I left off but it didn't work....I think (Grammy 2)if we are so emotionally upset it is hard for them to come to us. I am meditating and when I do that I always seem to be able to see my loved ones when I close my eyes or they come thru in readings with mediums....It is very interesting but I think sometimes the density is very thick but don't give up...it will happen. Try and quiet yourself and close your eyes and just communicate with him and keep practicing it. CHRIS, I know it isn't easy for you especially with a baby....don't listen to people who try to fix you up...no way could you ever be ready for that...the only thing that will heal us is time and when we are able to pray then god. This is the worst thing about life...we all knew death was a definite but not this young and not to the good...so we are all left bewildered...I'll never understand but one thing I do know for sure is how extremely fragile life is. I know I can't take for granted that I will live a long life after witnessing what happened to my husband. WHAM! And so what is our alternative...to go on the best we can.Just take one day at a time as that is all we have. I cry daily...my therapist says there is nothing numbing now so that is why I'm feeling everything on a deeper level now. My heart really feels heavy and it skips which is scary but it all started when my husband "Passed"....it's amazing what anxiety can do. I know this all sounds easy and believe me I know how hard it all is...I'm at a stage where I just want to scream at the top of my lungs with hope that it will bring him back but I know it won't so then I'm left with nothing but disappointment and tears and lonliness. Life will never ever be the same no matter what happens...I'm sure of that! I am thankful that I experienced and knew what real love was between a man and a woman (soulmates).That I'm sure could not be duplicated or replaced. I just didn't know the human body could produce so many tears. Everyone try and have a good day....just today, not yesterday or tomorrow...stay here and feel everything you need to today....feel it...feel everything, it's the only way we are going to get thru this.....................................Laura

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Nev and everyone,

Contact will come, it's like Laura said- keep meditating and talking

to those we lost. They are there for us and will be there for us

when it is our time to join them. I talk to Bob every day a couple

of times a day, especially when I am driving. You cant imagine the

amount of times I will be watching something on TV or hear something

on the radio and I will make a comment about it to Bob, Like: "Did

you hear that Hon? or Wow, do you remember when?"

Tuesday night, I had to run my son to the emergency room. I was

there with him for 2 hours and then they told me that they were

going to do a cat scan and some other tests. They told me to go

home and get some sleep and they would call in about 3 hours.

Sleep? How could I get sleep, not knowing what was wrong with our

son. When I left, I called our younger son and he left his job

and drove 3 hours to get here. Our son had his appendix taken out

it was inflammed. But this shows how much more we worry now that

Bob is gone. We always worried about each other, but we were

never as scared as we are now. I really talked to Bob while

our son was being operated on and I talk to him about it. Of

course, our son is okay. He spent an extra hour in recovery

because his heart rate was too high and he is a little

dehydrated, but should be home today or tomorrow morning.

Bob left me a cassette tape and after he passed,I listened to

it and on it one of the things he said to me was,

"I will

always be with you, I will try to contact you to let you

know I am with you. I dont know how you will be able to open

up for me to talk to you because you have never done it before,

but I know that you will work on it and we will be able to

contact each other."

So I have been trying, but I think that because I am

depressed I am having trouble. But I am working on it.

Even my therapist tells me that once I get financial

stability, I will do much better.

God Bless Everyone

Joyce

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JOYCE and Everyone,

Your right about finances...nothing weighs you down more (except grieving)so when you get that under control I think things will feel lighter. I bought a meditation tape recently and have just started doing it...www.dianeross.com...I cry at a certain point in the tape (normal)and I find that I am distracted alot (cause I don't know how to relax and that is the point of the whole thing)so I know it will take time and training....I do see my husbands face when I do this tape and shortly after I did it last night I dreamt of my husband but then I woke up abruptly (probally shocked that he came thru)...I think it will take some time to get use to it because when she is talking ya thru to the "other side" and summoning your love one it is emotional and so I think the crying might interfere but I am starting to see a difference......Does anyone have trouble shopping? I try not to shop alot so to keep my finances straight but when I do need to go for groceries, etc...I have alot of anxiety and have to breather the entire time...I think it's all about family (even Home Depot, etc)and family meant everything to us and now my husband is gone.I fine I have to be speedy and have tunnel vision while shopping.......I also talk to my husband all the time and I have pictures of him everywhere...I think it is important for the kids to see them as a constant reminder of him. My kids are handling things so much better than I ever imagined...a friend told me the other day it is a tribute to the great foundation their dad and I gave them......Today I was talking to another friend of mine and I asked her where everyone went after the funeral...no-one calls or comes over and she said, Have you called them????? Just wondering what you all think of that cause I know you have experienced that like have...I said I am grieving and I don't think I should be the one to do the calling and that I wasn't being judgemental but that I really am trying to understand the phenomena that happens after a loss like this (Everyone is there initially and then "poof")she said we'll talk about that when we get together??????? I'm sure people really understand that when you experience a loss of this magnitude, the exhaustion and low energy that we have.....but that doesn't mean they can't call...maybe they just don't know what to say????? I hope now I will be better if it happens to someone I know and not say anything stupid.....Take care................Laura

P.S. Yes, Joyce, your right when we loose a spouse it does put more pressure on us and worry when things go wrong but you know what? We also know what our husbands would think and say...don't you think....I know my husband and I thought alike and agreed on 99% of things...All but the obey part!

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cvaughan598

Laura,

I'm glad to hear those tapes are working and you have dreamed about him... I guess that means its my turn to buy them. I told you if they worked I would. I haven't seen or dreamed of Rikki is more than a month and it is eating at me. So maybe meditation is something that could help me with that...

As for the shopping. Where Rikki and I bought/built our house is in a neighborhood with A LOT of young families. I seriously have tunnel vision even at the grocery store. Because it never fails that I will see a young couple about my age and they will have their little one with them and here I am a single father trying to do this alone. Buying stuff for Madison is the worst. So where is your wife? Most Dad's don't shop for baby food and formula... I don't think I've ever wanted to throw something at somebody so bad in my life! I have actually started sending one of my wife's sorority sisters to the store for me because they don't look at her as strange and she doesn't get as many comments as I do walking in there alone with a carrier.

I hear once in a blue moon from friends. They call to check on me to make sure I'm still alive... Or maybe it is just to see if the number works because then I won't hear back from them for weeks or even months. Its like they think its contagious. If I talk to them or associate with them, I might lose someone close to me. They should build a city in a bubble for all of us to go live in... Then at least we wouldn't have to listen to the stupid comments and remarks that always manage to come out of the mouths of people who haven't been through this...

Hope everyone is doing well... I think the floor is dropping. I can feel myself getting down and not feeling like doing anything. Just have to make it through the weekend. Of course right about the time I get over it being 7 months to the day, Madison will crawl and I will lose it again. Pitfalls of having a young child without their other parent I guess. I will be thinking and praying for each of you. LAURA, keep us informed about how those tapes are doing for you.

Chris

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Chris,

My mother-in-law actually told me the other day that I had to move on. I was kind of in disbelief, but I don't know if she thinks she's helping or what. I got the autopsy report today, 7 pages long. If I could have him back lord knows I'd give anything, but I couldn't wish him back to the problems he had. They found cirrhoisis of the liver and said if the fall hadn't killed him, that would have and it would have been a long, drawn out process that would have slowly and painfully killed him. I don't know if I'd mentioned it before, but my husband could drink a lot and it was happening more frequently and it absolutely scared me to death. I couldn't say anything about it for a while after he died, but it wasn't anything that wasn't obvious sometimes. I think the thing that killed me the most was that his close friends knew he had a problem and they came to the services plastered drinking red bull and jagermeister out of portable coffee mugs. They told me that's what he would have wanted and I said that it was disrespectful because they knew it was something he was battling. I loved my husband with all my heart, I only wish there had been a way to have helped him. I miss him so much it hurts and today after reading all seven pages I felt like I went back to the day he died. At first I was numb, I didn't know how to react and then I went through the crying and anger and inability to breathe. It was hard enough to keep picturing him in a coffin, but now I can almost see all the things they said they did during the autopsy. My mom keeps telling me it'll get better and to keep my faith during this time because she knows how strong I am and these kinds of things "build character." I'm not worried about character, I'm worried about how I'm going to make it with a 21 month old on my own.

Laurra

I guees I missed the conversation about the tapes. I tried to look back and find it, but I must be blind. Would you mind giving a little bit of info on them again, I'd appreciate it. I haven't seen Brad in a dream for weeks now and I long to see him, hear him. The last dream I did have was strange. Brady and I were waiting in a room and finally someone told us we could see Brad. When they led us to what I believe was his room there was a single bed, a box full of his favorite things and pictures everywhere of the kids and us. I didn't see Brad, but it's like it was showing him in a new environment and I just remember feeling so alone standing there looking at everything. I know Brad isn't alone, but I just want to stop feeling so alone.

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Jenmulloy,

I'm sorry you have to go thru this especially while grieving for your husband. I can imagine that you would be reliving lots of things after reading an autopsy report. The tape is one I bought on line at www.dianeross.com Connecting with the Other Side. It is really just a tape of meditation and she talks you thru and tries to help you relax as to try and make a connection with your loved one. It takes time and practice. We are no strangers to that are we? Time and practice! I know it isn't easy taking care of a baby thru all this. After I lost my husband I was overwhelmed but 9 months later I can clearly see that if it weren't for my 3 kids I'm not sure where I would be right now. They have given me purpose (they always have) and help keep me going. I know thru the long haul for you and Chris your babies will give you both comfort just as they are now.I know the horrible pain you are suffering...no-one knows what is in your heart...only you, your husband and god. It's a very intimate relationship so how could anyone outside of that know....Let's not give any of that to the ones on the outside who have no clue of what we are "all" going thru here. Not to be rude but how would anyone be able to understand if they haven't been thru this???? Or, if they never had this kind of love???? I honestly don't think I will find anyone with the same kindness and purity of heart as my husband. I am stuck here like everyong else struggling and alone trying to figure out what the hell has happened and why and trying to pick up the pieces. Life is so so "fragile" and can be taken in a heart beat as we all know.....It's a slow torture and I think only time will heal us. I know it is possible to heal because I think of others who have healed from losses in their life and forged on, ie. My husbands grandma lost 2 husbands, a daughter, a son, her parents, son-n-law and grandchildren....she went on with a positive attitude and didn't let it eat her up. So I think we all have to be very careful and be sure to grieve thorougly in order to not become bitter and angry to the point of self destruction. It is by far the most difficult thing I have ever had to go thru and there are days it over-rides me...like last night I was in bed at 9p.m. from sheer exhaustion and I feel I need to go lay down now just because I feel so low on energy. Everyday is an adventure I always said and I never imagined something like this was in the cards for me....I will admit I don't want to ever work as hard as my husband and I did because now I feel like for what???? We worked so hard with goals that we attained and now he is gone......I guess that I need to adjust and improvise with a new plan...it will be very interesting to see where I land....especially after never seeing any of this coming.....You all be real kind to yourselves today. Take a hot bath, a walk, a nap, anything! Just do it for "YOU".

Laura

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Lauraa,

I looked at the Diane Ross web site, and it sounds like her guided meditation should be very helpful. While you meditate, remember that your husband has a learning curve too in getting through to you. In your dreams is easiest for him until the two of you get the process mastered.

Joyce,

“I know that you will work on it and we will be able to contact each other. So I have been trying, but I think that because I am depressed I am having trouble. But I am working on it. Even my therapist tells me that once I get financial stability, I will do much better.”

Yes, depression and stress can be a hindrance in contact. It will be easier when you are able to resolve things and gain stability. Except for in dreams, loved ones usually have to use our psychic energy to communicate with us (at least in the beginning). When we’re depressed, we have little or no psychic energy. That’s why it’s harder to communicate when we’re stressed out or still grieving hard.

It’s fairly common for loved ones to appear to the family during the first few days after they pass through the veil. That’s because during the first few days, the family is still in shock. They haven’t started to grieve, and it’s easier for the one in the afterlife to get through to the family. That’s also why they can get through easier in dreams.

Hope that helps, robinrenee

http://www.spirit-sanctuary.org

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Laura, Robin and Everyone,

I appreciate all your support and information. I am going to go

to the dianaross site because I am trying to meditate, but maybe

I am doing something wrong. When I first started, I didnt get

anything; then after the third time, I saw Bobs face and he was

smiling at me.

I do get times when I tell Bob that I need him to hold me and

help me. But as far as having him back, I know that is not

possible and I wouldnt want him to be suffering as he did.

so, I know he is in a much better place; I need to get myself

in a better place here. He always told me that I was a control

freak and you know what, he was right-- I hate not having control

over my situation, but I am coping with it. I am standing up

for myself.

My biggest problem right now, is that I need to hear from him

and I cant afford it. If I could hear from him, I know that

I will be okay. The dreams have stopped, the last one was

weeks ago. Although there have been some signs.

Our oldest son went into the hospital Tuesday for an

appendix operation (an operation that is done every day by

doctors with no complications) and he is still in the hospital.

After the operation, he ran a temperature of 102; they took

blood and found out that his blood count went from 1400(normal)

to 700 and they had to give him blood. They did another cat

scan and it seems that there was some blood leakage.

I prayed to God and I asked Bob to help our son. Today he

feels better and the fever is gone; they just have to do

another cat scan to make sure the leakage stopped and give

him more blood to bring his blood count back up to 1400.

Then he can come home.

Laura,

Bob and I could do a certain amount of communicating

mentally. We would speak the same thing at the same time

and a few days before he passed, I knew that I had to lay

in bed next to him and hold him; but the hospital bed was

too small, so I put the side down and held him. I just knew

that that was what he wanted; although he went balistic on

me and I had to stop. He just wasnt any where near ready to

go and he showed me that. The last time he spoke to me we

were watching a tv show and a man robbed a store, was running

into the road and got hit by a car: at the same time we both

said, "He deserved that". Bob looked at me and said, " We will

always be on the same wave length." And he was right, I just

have to open up to contact him and let him contact me. So

that is what I am working on. We agreed on so much, but like

you- we didnt agree on the obey, instead Bob called it

mutual respect and agreement. We were so different, yet so

much alike in so many ways. Bob used to say that oposites

attract and that was us.

I am off to check out the meditation tape.

god Bless You All

Joyce

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patriotsmom

SUE AND EVERYONE ELSE ON THIS POST... MY BOYFRIEND OF FIVE YEARS JUST PAST AWAY ON JAN.15TH 2005. HE DIED SUDDENLY IN HIS SLEEP AND TO THIS DAY WE STILL DON'T KNOW WHY....AS I READ ALL OF YOUR ALLS POSTINGS I CAN REALLY RELATE TO HOW YOU ARE FEELING..IT'S LIKE YOU ALL ARE SPEAKING FOR ME...THIS HAS BEEN THE HARDEST 7 WEEKS OF MY LIFE. SOME DAYS I DON'T KNOW HOW I GET MYSELF UP IN THE MORNINGS AND GO TO WORK. DAVW AND I HAVE A THREE YEAR OLD SON TOGETHER AND I HAVE THREE KIDS FROM MY FIRST HUSBAND. DAVE THOUGHT OF THEM AS IF THEY WERE HIS AND THEY FELT THE SAME WAY BACK. MY THIRTEEN YEAR OLD SON HAS REALLY TAKEN THIS HARD BECAUSE HE HAS NEVER BEEN CLOSE TO HIS DAD BUT VERY CLOSE TO DAVE. I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO COPE WITH ALL THIS...MY HEART ACHES SOOO MUCH. I DON'T WANT TO ACCEPT THE FACT THAT MY SOUL MATE IS GONE AND I WILL NEVER HAVE HIM HERE WITH ME AGAIN. I WASN'T WITH HIM THE DAY HE PAST..HE WAS AT HIS MOM'S AND LAYED DOWN TO TAKE A NAP AND NEVER WOKE UP.. I NEVER GOT TO SAY GOODBYE OR HOLD HIM ONE MORE TIME OR SAY"I LOVE YOU" ONE MORE TIME...I THINK THAT IS WAY I'AM SOO ANGRY ABOUT THIS. THE WHOLE THING IS JUST SO UNFAIR..WE WERE TALKING ABOUT GETTING MARRIED AT THE END OF THIS YEAR AND NOW THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN..I FEEL LIKE A PIECE OF ME HAS DIED ALONG WITH DAVE..I HATE THIS SO MUCH AND LIKE SOME OF YOU I TOO HAVE BEEN ANGRY WITH GOD..WHY HIM? WHY ME? WHY ZACHARY? WHY NOW? DAVE WAS ONLY 29. WAY TOO YOUNG TO DIE..HE HAD TO MUCH TO LIVE FOR..I'AM SOO GLAD I FOUND THIS SIGHT TO GO ON AND SEE THAT I'AM NOT ALONE WITH MY FEELINGS..I WAS STARTING TO THINK THAT MAYBE I WAS GOING CRAZY..DAVE HAS SENT US SOME SIGNS AND I KNOW HE IS OKAY AND HE IS WITH GOD.. KNOWING THAT HE IS AT PEACE HAS HELPED ME SOME...I JUST HOPE SOME DAY THAT THIS PAIN WILL BE ALITTLE LESS AND I WILL BE ABLE TO GO ADAY WITHOUT CRYING....

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Patrtiotsmom

I don't even know quite where to begin. I am so sorry for your loss and can honestly say I know exactly what you are going through. I am 24 and lost my husband in November of 2004. I had been with him since I was 17 and moved from my parents home into his and from there we had a son and almost 8 years together. Brad had coronary artery disease, diabetes, high blood pressure and cholesteral. I thought for the most part I was doing okay until I got his autopsy back yesterday and found out that if I hadn't lost him in the accident, I would have lost him from cirrhosis of the liver. I guess it's a slight consolation to know he died quickly rather than to have suffered on dialasis for the last part of his life. I am still in shock and I have a 21 month old son and life right now seems so unfair and cruel. I only pray you don't have to deal with a family like his. Nosy, rude and hurtful. I was told from the beginning that I was doing a shotty job at planning his funeral, I could have spent more and they knew I'd be fine because they knew he had life insurance and basically I didn't need to be worried about. I don't know how much I can help you, the one thing I can honestly say and know is true, it's all about you and your children, no one else. I was worried about things I couldn't control from the beginning and finally realized as long as I lived for me and Brady I would be okay. I can't say fine and I can't say well because I haven't crossed that road just yet. Each day is a step to less pain, but there isn't a second I don't think about Brad and how much I miss him. I am holding onto the time healing all and praying that one day it will get easier and praying that whatever killed my husband is now no longer an issue with him in the afterlife. I pray that you and your family find the strength to get through this struggle and you will probably come across people who test your patience and say some really unbelievably stupid and hurtful things, lord knows I have. I am sincerely sorry for your loss and hope this message finds you in the best circumstances possible at this time.

Jen

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Patriotsmom, I'm so sorry that you are having to face what we all here have had to face. I know just how you feel. My husband was only 38 when he passed away last Feb. He had terminal cancer. In our society today, anything under 90, it seems anymore is too young to die. I also have children, 2 girls and they miss their dad alot. However, they both experience him in their own way, my oldest daughter smells him, his cologne and my other daughter sees him. As for me, well I feel him as a cool breeze and at times I can hear him whistle or call my name. All of these things we find most comforting. We know that he is still watching out for us. I dont experience them as much as I did and I have come to think that he is slowly showing us that we are healing and doing fine. All of us here will support you, so dont stop writing and never stop talking. We all heal and grieve in our way and in our time. No one can tell you that they know how you feel unless they have walked in our shoes. Rely on God and he will guide you and show you the way. I know that it seems so dark right now but in time you will find light again. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Gods' peace, strength and comfort for you in this time. Take care. Sue

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Hello everyone:

I wantg to welcome new members and I want to wish you peace and comfort on your journey. I know that you will find the support you need from everyone here. I know I have found what I have neeeded.

I am sorry that I have not been here for a while. I have had to just "check-out" of my life for a while. I am finding that things are getting just a little harder at almost 6 months. The 10th of March will be 6 months and I am hitting "rock bottom" for me. I find that I am having problems dealing with anyting outside of just getting up and going to work. I just don't know how to deal with the outside world. I read all of your postings since I have been here and I just want to say, you are all so strong to be there for each other, when you are going through the worst thing that life can throw your way. I just feel so selfish because I post here and you have been here for me, but I just don't have the strenght or the energey to do the same. Please forgive me. I just find that I cannot even help myself at this time. I wonder how I am going to make it from one day to another, but I know reading your postings from one to another that there is hope, even though I feel I have lost mine. I am trying to crawl out of my dark hole, and I know that coming back here and reading your support for one another let's me know I am not the only one feeling this bad. I am trying to find the strength that you have for one another to find my way back to life.

I want to thank all of you for being there for one another and being there for everyone who comes here to find hope and strength when they feel there is nothing left. Your postings give people like me a glimmer of hope that there is something to hang on to.

My love and comfort to all of you,

Tori

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cvaughan598

Torias,

You shouldn’t apologize. We have all had those moments where we don’t have the strength to help each other and we don’t post for a while. We just read what everyone is saying. Remember, we are here because we have all had the same type of loss. Knowing that others do know how I feel helps me… When people say I can only imagine how you feel… UH, NO YOU CAN’T… and I wouldn’t want anyone to. But we have each other here. Never apologize for hitting a dip in the roller coaster… Just come back when you are ready and let us know you are alright.

Jen,

I can’t imagine dealing with your in-laws… Except my family is doing the same thing. The whole you are so young and I can’t imagine you being unhappy the rest of your life… blah, blah, blah… You just want to tell them to shut up and leave you alone… except they are still family. Continue to do what you have to for you and Brady. When I got Rikki’s autopsy report back it didn’t show anything that would have killed her… So at least use that as some sort of closure. I know that doesn’t make it any easier because I was off for a month after I got hers… But on the other side, there is no pain, so he is watching over you and Brady until he can be with you again. I have to believe that… because we are so young… Sorry about the comment about the tapes… that was something Laura and I were talking about via email… So it wouldn’t be on previous posts. I see that she already answered where she got them from…

Patriotsmom,

I know the last few weeks have been tough on you… believe me, we all do. Sounds a lot like what happened with my wife. She passed away 7 months ago tomorrow… on August 6th. Two weeks after our daughter was born. She went to sleep that night with me, and when I woke up she was not breathing and had no pulse. It has been the hardest thing trying to deal with not knowing what happened, and if you read what I said to Jen, her autopsy report came back and didn’t give anything that would have killed her. So I have been dealing with a lot then having a now 7 month old daughter on my own. I have found that I spent a long time wallowing in my own self pity and I missed a lot of my daughters growing up. Your kids will take this hard if they knew him and that is what you need to concentrate on. My daughter Madison is the reason that I am still here on this earth and she is the reason that I will continue to be. Brady is that way for Jen. Laura’s kids are that way for her; yours will be that way for you… Just know that we are here for you and we know how you feel. Your feelings will be up and down because this really is a roller coaster ride. Just know that we are all here for you and that we have open ears and hearts because we are all just as vulnerable as you.

Everyone,

I’m kind of struggling with going right now. Tomorrow is 7 months and Madison’s first tooth broke through this morning. Knowing she should be here to experience this with me… Just another dip in the roller coaster for the next umpteen years until I join her. From my understanding, Jen… you and I are in deep trouble with that because we have so many years left with our kids. There are so many firsts that our soul mates should be around to experience that they won’t. She is starting to crawl. I’m already not looking forward to soccer games, first days of school, falling off bikes, prom, wedding, first time behind the wheel of a car, 16th birthday… So many things that Rikki should be here to experience with me. This weekend is and has been miserable for me and I don’t suppose I can really do anything but survive it. Just know that I am thinking of each of you and praying for each of you. Lord knows we need it, to make it through life without our soul mates is probably… no, WILL BE the most difficult thing any of us EVER do. Peace be with you all…

Chris

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Dear Torias,

We understand but please know we are all here for you and will understand anything you are feeling and going thru...sometimes you just want to go crawl under a blanket and never come out...I know! We all do! I think we just don't want to accept the fact that we will never see them here on earth again and that thought makes life seem unbearable and it is....It's horrible....Everything changes....security, family, friends, finances, etc....our world as we once knew it exploded. My biggest thing is my faith has really been challenged...before, if I didn't have anything else, I always had my faith...but now I feel I don't even have that. I don't have my husband who was everything to me and gave meaning and purpose to my life, my friends seem different (I don't think they can handle my saddness). Maybe it is like looking in the mirror to them. I have changed. Not my basic kindness and sincerity but how I feel about church, the medical profession, etc. and I don't think they know how to handle what has happened to me and my family...so as a result I find myself all alone in this world...That is really what it feels like and so I have to ask god, WHY"? Please know we are all here to help bear your pain and you will never be judged.

CHRIS, I think about your and Madison all the time and as mad as I am at god right now I do pray for everyone here. I will hold you near and dear to my heart this weekend. And you are right....you just need to get thru it just like the holidays, anniversaries, etc.

I am having a rough afternoon and evening today...Just sitting thru my daughters basketball game alone with all others couples around me makes me really sad and the anxiety of it all get me. And I am getting my oldest ready to go off to college in the fall so doing all the paper work for that...it's just so sad for me as I know his dad would have so proud....It's just so sad and lonely and I'm trying as best I can...I am just so so sad without my soulmate...if it weren't for my kids I don't know where I would be. I hope everyone gets thru this weekend......Take 2 benadryls.............Laura

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Hi guys,

Just came across another site thought you all would be interested in???????

www.touchedbytheextraordinary.com

Let me know what you think?????

Laura

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Chris and Everyone,

It is a rollercoaster ride and it's hard because one thing can happen in our daily lives that can set us back to square one with our grieving. It is absoluutely the hardest thing to go thru...nothing will ever be harder than what we have been thru. Not only do we suffer the loss of our love one but I feel there are other losses here as well for what ever reason, ie. friends and family. I have come to the conclusion that it is hard for them to see us in despair so they "all" use avoidance. I am disappointed! And, mourn their loss as well. I find myself wondering if I did something wrong or said something to offend them but I know in my heart that I didn't and there are just to many people here who have withdrawn...It's a phenomenon that happens that I am trying to understand????? Yet, I truely feel "alone" in this world, struggling for purpose......I know you all understand.

Laura

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Hi my name is Becky. I am new to this site. My husband ron died June 2004. He was sick for a long time with diabetes and many complications. We were married 15 years. March 13 would be his 60th birthday. I am 47 and I often feel my live is over. Where and what now? At times I think bitter thoughts about being with Ron for so long and concentrating on his illness. I am now paying for that with dental care that was put off for so long because I just didn't care about anything but Ron. But then I know that I would not have had it any other way I would not have missed being with Ron for anything. I am gratefull that he is at peace. It helps to find sites like this to find others who are going along this journey of ups and downs. Thanks so much for taking the time to stop here and share.

Have a peacefull day.

Becky

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