I Miss Him So...

[jlizzy]

Hi Laura and Everyone,

I am really worried today. I went for a chest exray on the 8th and yesterday

they called and said that they lost my exray from their computer and that I

needed it done again. So I went down to get it done. The first time I went,

they took 2 exrays and I left. Yesterday, they took 4 exrays before I could

go. I asked if there was a problem and they said that I have long lungs.

I have had chest exrays done before and nobody ever told me that before.

Besides, I got a look at one of the exrays and the right lung was black

but the left lung had a large white area.

I am really concerned. Has anyone ever heard of lungs being too long?

I prayed so hard last night that the exrays were okay, even though I dont

think they are.

God Bless

Joyce

[lauraa]

Hi Joyce,

I am absolutely sure you are scared out of your mind! I have been thinking about this today....try not to jump to conclusions here. Remember we are all unique and different...maybe you really do just have long lungs? I hate it when they do these things to people and then make them wait. Try not to interpret them being different...black/white....as you really don't know what angles they were looking at and what that means???? You will drive yourself nuts....just pray and I will pray for and with you....I laid in bed and prayed the other night praying for all my friends here. We are all suffering! I guess it was just our turn as everyone at sometime or another will have to go thru this...no-one is exempt from this.....It seems when I read about the after-life is when I feel the best...it reassures me that he lives on and is still with us in spirit and not sick...it isn't easy knowing I will never see him here again...we had such a wonderful life together here! I don't know how I can ever find joy again but I am trying...one day at a time! I will keep you close to my heart and I will send thoughts of health your way with prayers! Love,

Laura

[nev1965]

Hello everyone, I know I havent been posting. I have just been so horribly depressed. I can barely function. I am just losing it. It has been 8 wks and it is REALLY HITTING ME HARD. I am so damn lost. I never realized how much I needed him. Well, I knew it but it is so final that I WILL NEVER HOLD HIM AGAIN. He will NEVER HOLD ME AGAIN. I NEED THAT! I can barely breathe. It is swallowing me up. I have no desire for anything except to stop this pain. Which is impossible at this stage of the journey. I knew it would get harder. I was doing so well, I thought. BUT I AM NOT. IT IS REALLY HARD. I mean this is just impossible to describe to the innocents who have NO CLUE. I know all of you know this pain. Help me deal with this. Tell me it does get better at some point. I cannot feel like this for years. Just cannot do it. It is all consuming. I cannot feel the joy that I used to. I am generally a positive person but I do not see the positive to life anymore. When I lost our baby I thought that was the worst. No this is by far harder. I never got to know Max, but I know that Bill is right now. I am happy about that for them, but here I am 39, and trying to piece together an existance. I know that people love me & need me to stay or else I would leave to be with them. I want to do it, but I KNOW I CANNOT. I have to stay for those around me. My mom could not take that loss. I cant take her down with me, I love her too much. But my god this is killing me. I feel like one of those Zombies on those old night of the living dead movies. Just a shell stumbling around. Please help me with this. I am just so lost.

Neva

[forblueskies]

Neva, I really know what your going through. I just realized that It will be 1 year and 7 months monday since I was with my David. It hit me so hard I have been so down this past week. I often think about leaving as well but no one will take care of my girls the way I can. I am so sorry about your baby. I lost a baby early into my pregnancy. I lost the baby after David was killed. He knew I was pregnant. We just found out 2 days before. I think that my baby is with his daddy. He will be with me when I pass. I have actually read studies done on all these afterlife situations. PMH Atwater I know that it is early one in your process and you probably can.t emember what you have read. I know I did the smae thing. You go through everyday so confused and you have been turned inside out. My baby would be 1 this march I think of things that add to the grief like that I don't know why. I just would really like to know WHY does death happen if we just keep living?? why all the pain I just don't understand I am trying. I am 27 and I like to think everyday I get closer to death. I hope that I don't live a long life but just long enough to keep my girls safe. I hate people telling me to move on . I just really don't know how to make life ok again. I try to put on a fake face for my girls this is childhood. I have a 2 and 4 year old. Everything you feel is normal if that helps you any or atleast that is what I was told. Hang in there

[computermemaw2]

Neva, you ARE NOT alone!!!!! We all know EXACTLY what you're feeling and going through. We've been there, are still there, and will, in all probability, stay there. BUT--remember this--you WILL survive. I know you're saying HOW?, WHAT FOR? and I DON'T WANT TO FEEL THIS PAIN ANY MORE. Believe me--we know, and we're here for you. You CAN'T give into the pain. Please don't think I'm unfeeling. I cry for my husband every day! I'm working on 13 months now and the pain is as fresh to me today as it was in the beginning. But you move on. You HAVE to or you'll go crazy. Initially, I prayed for death every day. I couldn't commit suicide--I couldn't have my grown children remember me that way, and then they'd not get any of my life insurance. Now, I think I must be to the stage of just beginning to accept the fact that my husband isn't coming back, and that my life will never be what it was before. I don't like it, I don't want it to be this way, I still get mad as hell about it, still wonder what did I do (although I know I didn't DO anything), and still can't believe this nightmare even happened!--but life somehow finds a way to keep going on. It took me over a year to find a support group in my area that I'm now going to once a week, at the 8th month mark, my doctor put me on an anti-depressant because I always seem to be just at the surface of tears, don't care about anything, and nothing seems to give me joy any more--but he waited because he felt I needed to experience the initial grief process. What he told me was grieving is a long process, one that we'll always feel, we'll just learn eventually how to live with it in our own way. He also said that at times when the process gets so deep inside us that it makes a chemical in our brain get out of wack a bit, and that sometimes we need assistance with an anti-depressant to get that chemical back into wack. He told me my anti-depressant wouldn't keep me from grieving, crying, or feeling the pain of grief--it'd just make me able to say to myself when I'd start feeling really bad "okay Gayle, time to get ahold of yourself" or "okay Gayle, take a deep breath now and think about something else". We all know and understand that this emotion called grief is all consuming and will swallow you whole if you let it. Please try to hang in there. I know it's hard. But try sometimes to concentrate on your good memories. Think about what you'd have missed if you hadn't had your loved one in your life. I'm trying to be grateful for what I had--I so loved my husband! And know what??? I STILL DO AND ALWAYS WILL!!!!! Regardless of what life is throwing at me, I will always feel that love for him. I'm reading after life books, trying to read the bible, still trying to make sense of all this, still trying to figure out what the heck happened--how I could be talking to my husband one minute and the next he's gone--trying to make sense of it all. I've got a thousand questions that I won't have answers to in my lifetime here, but I'm trying desperately to hang onto a faith that I WILL see and be with my husband again. If I can't believe that, then what's the use of me being here or trying to go on? Hang in there girl!!!!! Use this forum as your sounding board, scream into your pillow if you have to at the unfairness of it all, if you feel you're really losing it, contact your doctor. There is medicine available for anxiety attacks. I'm not saying drug yourself up--I know you have to go through the grieving process and feel it--but there are medicines available that will allow you to get control of yourself. Only you know how much in despair you are and how much more you can take before you feel you're going to really lose it. We're here for you! Gayle

[jlizzy]

Hi Laura and Everyone,

I am scared out of my mind over these exrays. I have

been on the computer checking symptons, but they could

be almost anything. I am more scared because Bob isnt here

to tell me everything will be okay.

I am going to NeW Jersey to stay with my youngest son and

his family for a day or two. I am going to call the doctor

on Monday and tell her to call me there is she gets the

results.

My SSD didnt go through, I have to get a lawyer and go

through the appeal process. Well, I only have a little

over 5 months left on the appeal.

Laura,

thank you for the health prayers. I will let you know

when I get the results of the exrays.

God Bless

Joyce

[lauraa]

Dear Nev,

I am crying as I read your post as I know exactly how you are feeling...it is the most horrible thing anyone can ever go thru. But, remember we are all here for you and you are not alone. I feel it is a slow torture we are all are going thru and I truely believe "we grieve as deep as we loved". And you know, like me, that was deep love! Most people "never" experience that kind of love...so how could they possibly know what we are going thru. In your heart you have to pity them! I would say the first 6 months for me was surreal...I was completely numb...I don't know how I got thru? Family and friends all disappeared. They all would say, I think about you all the time, We wanted to call or come over but we know how busy you are....I say no, I'm not busy and no everyone is calling! What the hell is that all about? That's is when I realized that I was all alone and it was up to me to survive. It felt like hell here on earth and I have cried ever since....I lost the love of my life, my soulmate, best friend, lover, etc....I wonder everyday how I can find joy again. I am so thankful that I have my 3 kids as they have kept me focused and given me purpose to move ahead, not to mention the fact that when I look at each one of them I see my husband in so many different ways...and, I know how much he totally wanted them and adored them. I feel they are the gifts he left for me! I threw myself in reading about the after-life because that is the only way I felt I could cope and go on. I needed to know that my dear husband is o.k. and his spirit lives on...it has really given me the strength to feel better. Please know we all here, know how you feel and are always here for you and each other. Nothing you feel is abnormal, ever! This is the worst thing that could have happened to any of us! How are we suppose to feel? Forget about how everyone else feels and be selfish now...that's what I do for the first time in my life....I worry about my feelings and what I want to do. If I don't want to do something...I don't and if others don't understand then that is their problem....How could they understand? Be selfish and take really good care of yourself...that is what you husband would want for you. And, always remember he is right next to you...he knows what you are thinking and he is rooting you on and most importantly, he has paved the way for the day that you "will" be together again...but, now is not the time as you have much to do! Keep crying if that is what you need to do but keep writing to us all here and we "will" get thru this. I will pray for you as I do everyone else here.

Laura

[jenmulloy]

I am really not looking forward to tomorrow. Last year Brad and I took the baby with us out for dinner instead of just going by ourselves. He was only about eight months then and we couldn't stand to be away from him for too long. Everytime we were having a hard time with money and dealing with our living arrangement he always told me to look at Brady because he made it all worth while. Now I look at him so much I cry because he is the only reason I can get out of bed in the morning anymore. He looked at a picture of all of us this morning and pointed to his Dad and I just cried. Trying to tell myself that he isn't coming home just doesn't work, I just can't accept that I'll never see him again and I know that's bad, it just seems so unreal. The pain that comes with it is worse and I wake up each morning hoping all this has been one huge nightmare. I long for sleep now because that's when I get to see him and almost feel him again. Everyone is trying so hard to help me and pulling me in so many directions and I feel like I have to stop and breathe because I don't know what I want to do. I was supposed to grow old with Brad and we were supposed to be together. Now he's left me with his family, who get all pissy with me if I tell them I'm thinking about moving near my mom and family and friends. They try and give me a guilt complex and I don't find that fair at all. I'm the one with the huge decisions to make and they ask me who I'm going to leave Brady to if something happened to me and it's all driving me crazy. My son has the right to be around my family too and I understand that Brady is Brad's only son, but I have to do what's right for us and I feel that it's unfair that they are trying to make me feel like I'm putting them out. I lost my husband and I feel like my family and friends are the support I need right now and that makes them angry. I don't know, I just wish things would start going right instead of wrong so I can try and move forward the best that I can.

[nev1965]

Thank you so much for your responses! I do feel better today. I had hit a really low point and somehow last night I started feeling better. I hope I will have a few days break from the bad bad stuff. I have been reading a good book that is so helpful & it says that sometimes we need to take a break from our grief to get more strength to go back and face it again. I too read so many books on the afterlife and pray that they are true. I know that Bill would want me to hang tough and remember all the strength that he gave me in the short 7 yrs that we had. It is so hard to think about him in the physical. I think in abstract. It sounds odd, but it is too much to face right now. Not that I am running from it but I think about it in the ways that I can. Tomorrow I will have valentines dinner with my stepkids, I think it will be nice. My mom and sister will be with us too. We have a once a week date night together. Me and the kids! That helps and hurts as my stepson who is 13 is soooo much like his father in looks and actions. It is bittersweet. I know that me and Bill had many lifetimes together and this wont be the last. But when it happens at our age it is hard to take. So long until the next time. I think. I guess tomorrow is never a promise. I look back and think of all the lost opportunities that we just take for granted. Better not go there. I am holding myself up today. I am so grateful that you all are here. Thank You doesnt express the gratitude that I feel. I hope everyone hangs tough tomorrow. I will be back then, to check on everyone.

Neva

[jlizzy]

Nev, Laura and Everyone,

Today is really hard for all of us. I am at my sons with my grandchilden.

I am taking my youngest granddaughter out today because the others are in

school. I miss Bob a lot, we had many happy Valentines Days together and

I am thinking about him today too. I know that he is next to me, I just

cant see him. I need a reading really bad and I hope to have the money

soon for one. I have the name of an American indian in PA or NY by the

Lake Erie and I am going to call him. He does over the phone and sends you

a tape.

We all just have to remember that our loved ones are still with us, we

just cant see them. On nights when I cant sleep, I ask Bob to hold me

and I can feel his presence and I sleep really good that night.

I am claustrophobic and have always had Bob there to help me. Especially

with exrays because I cant close the door and he would hold the handle

so it wouldnt close all the way. Well, when I went for my exrays last

week, I was scared, but nowhere near as much as I usually am. I relly

believe that Bob was with me and helped calm me down.

Well, got to go take my grandaughter to breakfast.

God Bless All

KNow you will be okay

Joyce

[lauraa]

Everyone,

I think a miracle happened yesterday....My 19 yr.old son (who is not the greatest communicater)gave me a dozen red roses and a card. The card said thank you for being there for me, I don't know what I would do without you...I love You!....I was just starting to feel lonely without their dad...Valentines day wasn't really that big of a deal to me but I was feeling alittle lonely and then my son did that...I think it was his dad in heaven helping him and giving him strength to do that...He is also going to college next year to play football which is his dream. I think that is his dad getting the job done, too! My son also hugged and kissed me which doesn't happen often...miracles do happen! Sometimes, people can't show how they are feeling for various reasons but down deep it is in there...Everyday, I am trying to look for positives that happen and am looking for my husband to show himself. I still can't get use to the idea that he is gone from us and the tears keep coming...but I'm getting use to crying as that has become the norm for me...it's o.k. There for awhile everytime a major cry would come on I was totally overwhelmed as it was so often and so overwhelming...now, I just cry and that is the way it is....I loved him with my whole heart and soul....It is so hard because you don't want to go on without them but you have to....It's like being in a baseball game, you never know what kind of pitch you are going to get and if your going to strike...you always have to keep your eye on the ball. Everyone, please think today that your loved ones are right here with you...I really do feel my husband is with me....I talk to him all the time...I know what he thinks. Everytime I close my eyes I see his face. He will be in my heart forever and ever! Have a really great day...............Laura

[nev1965]

Joyce- When you do get that reading please be sure to let us know how it goes. I am so wanting to get one done myself, but it is hard to determine who is real and who is not. I would be interested in someone who can do that. It is nice that you will get to spend the day with family. I have a dinner date tonight with my stepkids levi 13 & acey 10. I am really looking forward to it. My mom and sister will be there as well. I am not thinking about it being valentines day without my valentine. I am not getting any signs that I can tell and I dont feel him lately. I want to know he is there. I am sure something will happen to help me through this. Laura- it is wonderful that your son showed you his feelings when you needed him to the most! I wish so much that my son was here with me, but then again I know he is with daddy so I cant be that selfish. He has Max & I have levi and lacey. Although they dont live with me they are close by. I will pray that we all get through today with the memories of our loved ones to keep us going. I miss him so much it is unbelievable. But I know that I have to keep living on. One day I will have another companion as I am just too young to be alone forever and I know that Bill would want me to have someone to help me keep going for the rest of my time here. It will never be him. But that is ok as at least I found him this time around and for that I will always be so grateful. It just hurts to lose him so early. I will be thinking of everyone today.

Neva

[cvaughan598]

I went to the cemetary this morning to take a stuffed alligator with a red rose in its mouth from Madison and myself. When I got there, there was stuff from Rikki's Dad, Mom, and Sister already there. Even something I think was from one of the ladies she taught with last school year. I cried for the longest time this morning. Just thinking about not having her for Valentines day. I had planned to take her to the hotel where we spent our wedding night and a nice dinner out and away from Madison because we were only two weeks out of the hospital on our anniversary. She passed three days later. I try not to cry too hard because I don't like for Madison to see me cry or be upset. She is so young and doesn't understand what kind of a loss she and I have suffered. I couldn't help but cry and sit there. I was late to school this morning because I couldn't get myself together. As we all know or will learn, there are SO many ups and downs. I have had a wonderful weekend with an old college buddy that came down. But late last night, it hit me and I just couldn't function. Probably my best friend was still at my house and just said you go to bed and she took care of Madison and everything else at the house. Without friends like them, I'm sure I would have lost my mind by now. Today is one of the worst days for me yet. I think it is worse than Christmas and Thanksgiving... All were pretty bad, but I think this is worse. Just for the nature of the day. Because it is about lovers and about loving someone and the thought of not having the one person that I love just eats at me. Not that I don't love my daughter, but as we all know, that is such a different love. Hope everyone has a day... because I don't think any of us could have a GOOD day... Just survive and hopefully tomorrow will be better... I'm thinking and praying for you all...

Chris

[missingmydave]

It has been over six months since I have last visited. It will be almost a year that I lost my dear Angel the end of March. I have been trying to keep myself busy with activities, my children, quilting, and anything else I can think of.

Laura, I had the same experience with overwhelmed grief. Back in the fall I tried to do things to keep my mind engaged so I would not dwell on the way my husband's last moments were, let alone what he looked like from the massive heart attack while showering. I did stupid stuff, (and still have a tendency to do so, just not so often) such as leaving the house for work and driving around the block to make sure I shut the garage door. Locking the front door but having to drive around the block, get out of my car, and check to make sure it was locked. Misplaced my money including checkbook and savings. I went to see my family physician, (remember I am the Nurse Practitioner who knows all about grief and the dying patient-yah right!) and he suggested an antidepressant. He explained it like this; "My neurons/synapses with the brain activity are not shooting off in the same direction, or same time as it once did due to the overwhelming feeling of greif, being alone, quilt, and stress of the furture. Having to take a chemical to help get all the threads back together and have the brain shoot off at all the right times is not a sin. You may have to take the medication for a few months, a year, or a few years, but you will get a grip on every day life situations with the help of an antidepressant". Now, I am a person who does not believe in taking medications, however, he made it sound like I truly needed some assistance to get through this rough time (I will tell you for four weeks in a row on Friday nights, before my appointment with the physician, I made over 10 jars of freezer jam (each night), including blackberry, strawberry, and peach. Now I am having to beg people to take it off my hands as my daughter and I will not go through all this jam). If this is not a sign....anyway, I started on welbutrin in October and have managed to make it this far. I have my bad days, but I no longer find myself in such a state of overwhelming grief. Yes, the situation does not go away, but the medication allows you to take one more day and live through it without having to cry at every corner. I do not make jam any more, I also do not check my doors or garage as often, and I believe the medication is helping by allowing me to put things behind myself and take one day at a time on my own time. Before I was trying to get through just one more day and wishing my own life away. Does this make sense?

I often wondered how you, Gayle and Joyce were doing. I wish you all safe healing, and I will pray every day for God to give us guts to make it through such a difficult period in our lives.

Dawn

To Everyone,

I am having such a hard time right now...I really think I am experienceing post traumatic stress. Maybe, I had to concentrate so hard on getting thru the holidays and that was my focus for the kids...but now I just feel so overwhelmed with my grieving....I am angry and so pissed my husband was taken away from us at such a young age...How does one accept wrongdoings and get thru this....I miss him so much that it hurts. I don't want to do drugs but now I'm wondering if I should. My feeling on that is drugs only cover up the problem and I would sooner or later have to deal with all this that I am feeling....I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers today as I know you all know what I'm feeling and talking about. I do feel alone with all this but it really helps talking here...Thanks, Laura

[lostanddisoriented]

Well, everyone, yesterday was Valentine's Day. I decided at the last minute to go to James grave and put flowers and a Valentine's Day card on his grave. Then I remembered it was the anniversary of our first date. I bought an anniversary card for him and put two roses on his grave. It was not easy, but it was the first time I have put something on his grave since he has been buried. I felt so guilty and lost. I just asked him to forgive me for being so hurt and so lost that I couldn't do anything for him. I finally started working Friday, and that seems to help a little bit with the grief. I hope that I sound normal and not totally lost and out there. I sometimes wonder what life would be like if I still had him here and our son with us. I have thought about trying to fight for custody of our son from the adoptive parents, do any of you think that would be a good idea? Our son, James Edward Lloyd, will be a year on the ninth of March. I have a feeling that I would just be more overwhelmed and lost but I want to hold on to that link that we have together. It seems like the more the days go by the lonlier and lonlier I get. I don't understand it, I just want someone to be near me, to hold me, to guide, to help me like James did, and I don't think I will ever find someone like that again. Our marriage wasn't the best, but it was just beginning. I don't even know if I can forgive God for taking my husband away from me so early. I don't know if I can forgive myself for letting our son go. I don't even know if I can forgive myself for letting him go, letting him go into the hereafter. I wanted to hang on to him forever, but I guess forever wasn't meant to be. I guess it was meant only for a short amount of time. I remember the pictures we took in the hospital of James, James Edward, and myself and find myself wondering where those happy days went and when they will return. I also find myself wondering if there is an out to all this misery, hurt, turmoil, anguish, confusion, lonliness, and feeling of a void. It seems like God and the BIBLE don't even fill this void no matter how much I believe. Someone help me. I don't know where to turn or where I am even going. I swear I would lose my head if it weren't attached to my shoulders. I want to know why me, why do me and a select few others have to go through this agony of an emotional roller coaster for a year or longer? Why do I have to hurt more than ever? Why can't I get this feeling to go away? This feeling that death is imminent and that there is nothing we can do about it? Damn it why can't life go right for a fucking change? Why does everything have to go down the damn toilet? Why can't I live in peace and happiness instead of turmoil, anger,hatred, lonliness, and a feeling no one is there or cares what I am going through or what I feel? I hate life!! I can't take anymore. I feel like I am going to have a nervous breakdown.

[computermemaw2]

Dear Lost and Disoriented, please know you are not alone in your feelings. But I will tell you I'm concerned for you. I even think you might need to talk to your doctor. Although we have to get through our grief and not put it off by being "medicated," there are times when it's time to get assistance in the form of medicine if we need it. 2 weeks after Eddy first passed away, I started having chest discomfort and a pain down my left arm. A friend insisted I go see my doctor. He felt I was having anxiety attacks and gave me Zanex. I only took it whenever I felt I was going to "completely lose control" or "come apart at the seams." I cried constantly, sometimes to the point of gagging because I was crying so hard. I've even screamed a time or two as long and hard as I could into a pillow because there was such a build up of emotion inside me I thought I'd go out of my mind. I went back to the doctor every 2 months for follow-up visits and for him to see how I was doing. At 8 months, he suggested I go on an anti-depressant since I was still so close to the edge of crying whenever my husband was mentioned and because I told him I felt like I was just going through the motions of living--I no longer felt any joy in life. He told me that when we are in such despairs of grief that our brain gets chemically imbalanced. Usually, it'll right itself, unless our levels of grief are so strong that we need assistance by the way of medicine. I was also told the situation could get a lot more serious if I didn't try to correct that imbalance. Once I was assured I wasn't masking the feelings of grief, I said okay. I still grieve, still cry--but not for endless times. And now, I can at least take a deep breath and tell myself, Okay, that's enough, concentrate on something else. I miss my husband like crazy, still can't believe it's real, still want him to come home. My head knows all the truths--it's just my heart that's having a hard time accepting the facts. You sound really desperate. And, should you not wish to take medicine, perhaps just talking to your doctor will help some. The emotions you're going through we've all felt or are still feeling. But you HAVE to do whatever needs to be done to take care of yourself. I know you say what for and what's the use. But I've GOT to believe there's a reason I have to be without my husband for awhile. I don't like it, I didn't ask for this, and I'm certainly not happy about it. Don't concentrate on weeks, months, or years. Just concentrate on getting through today. Sometimes it gets easier, sometimes I'm still just going hour by hour, and even some days of 5 minutes at a time. I've bitten the inside of my cheek so many times to get control and not cry it's not funny. I completely understand your anger at God, etc. There were days I was so mad at my husband for not going to the doctor's whenever I asked him to that I'd have cheerfully killed him if he'd walked back into the house for putting me through all the crap! Hang in there. Talk to us if you have no one else. Don't keep it bottled in! This grieving process hurts like hell! But we're all here for you and will try and get you through this. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!!!!! Gayle

[lauraa]

Dear Lostanddisoriented,

We are all here for you. I totally understand what you feel. I have days just like you are having. I don't think you should rule out talking to your doctor, either. Sometimes for me I just make getting a good night sleep a priority so that I can feel better. I know the feeling that you could just go crazy trying to understand what the hell happened and that your husband really isn't going to walk back in the door. But, you do need to cry and get all the emotions out. Anti-depressants do help as I did take them in the past...they just get your seritonin levels (chemical in your body)balanced. I was just wondering for myself lately if I was headed for a depression or if it was the grieving process itself...everyone is different in how they handle all of this and we all have to do what is best for us. But, always remember you can express yourself here no matter how you feel and get support...the whole thing totally sucks and I would not wish it on my worst enemy. The one thing that helps me is to know the my dear husband has just moved on to the "afterlife"...If I didn't believe that I would have gone crazy by now so I read those books, I went to a medium who confirmed my husband is o.k. and she told me things she would never had known which validated everything. I know some people don't believe in that and I truthfully did know what a medium was until my husband "passed" but I needed to know and it doesn't in anyway interfere with my religious beliefs which was that there is "eternal life"...which isn't that the same as "after-life"....no-one can know how they would ever feel unless that lost their spouse that they loved with their whole being....I needed to know that we will be together again! And we will...we are just apart for awhile. To them it is a very short while and for us it will seem like an eternity. I try to do things in honor of my husband so that he will feel proud of me and the way I am handling things...that doesn't mean I don't cry because I do. We can't have the history that we have had together and not cry. It was a "love story" with a very sad ending.....More on that later! It has been 9 months for me tomorrow and lately it has been tough. One thing is that every time I close my eyes I see his face so I know he is with me. Maybe you should try that...close your eyes and concentrate...look for his face and it will come...you will feel him with you. You will start feeling that you aren't so religious but more "spiritual" because you will feel the energy and spirit. You keep writing and we will "all" lift each other from this "hell hole" we are in. Stay in this day and don't go to far back or forward and concentrate on your breathing and sleeping.......Laura

[nev1965]

Dear Lostanddisoriented- I second everything Gayle said. I know how you feel. Unfortunately I can say it and mean it. It is just the worst thing to try and cope with. I take an anitdepressant but a very small amount. I called my dr. the day I lost Bill. I suffer from depression anyway, but had not taken it for about a yr because of trying to conceive. Which never happened. ANYWAY if it helps you get well then I am all for it. I dont believe that the medicine in anyway will interfere with the grieving process as I still feel it all the time. I could only imagine that I might not still be here without mine. If I felt any worse than I would surely die. Since I take the lowest dose pill of my medicine and cut it in half, well it barely does anything other than help me sleep at night. I think around pms time I will up it to the whole amount. It was just too much for me this time around. I think that we need to do anything that we can to get through this very hard time. We are all here for you, remmeber that you are NOT ALONE. REMEMBER that we are always here. I check this board everyday. I may not always post but I do check it everyday. Please hang in there and take any help you can find right now, we all really need help right now and this is a great group.

Neva

[sillygirl]

Hi Everyone- I haven't been in here in a while, have been busy trying to cope with the year anniversary of Jerrys' death which will be coming up the 26th of this month. I have been having dreams of him in which he is happy and looks well. I think that this is his way of letting me know that he is alright and that I have finally reached the point that I can let go of the pain but still have all of the memories of our life together. I have been praying for peace and also a resolution. I truely believe that this is it. I will keep all of you in my prayers and thoughts. Gods' blessings to all of you. Sue

[nev1965]

How do you deal with the people that swarm like VULTURES wanting something of your loved one?? My husband was NOT close to his family, they WERE NOT NICE TO HIM, now they wont leave me alone wanting something of his just to hold. I am like where the Hell were you when he was alive???? I am so upset. I am trying to get some t-shirts and stuff together to give them. I am crying and screaming as I sit in the closet. I am NOT READY TO HAND OUT HIS THINGS! I gave some stuff to his kids. We cried together when we went through things. They are only 10 & 13. It is soooo hard. I need him here to tell me what he wants me to do. I hate them for putting me through this. They want him buried yesterday, I want to wait for the weather to get better so it will be a beautiful day. I want his headstone set first. They were never around for anything for him and now they are acting like this loving family who lost someone they just loved so much. They have not once called me to see how I am doing only called to ask for stuff. I cant take it. I just want to tell them to go to hell. I still have his toothbrush in the holder. I am not just throwing things out. I just havent been able to give his things away. It is 9 wks today. NOT THAT LONG AT ALL. I need him to help me and it is just me. Nobody would ever treat me this way if he were here. My mom and dad are ready to blow a fuse as is my friends as well as his friends. His friends were his family they deserve his things. NOT the so called family that are so fake. Am I being so unreasonable? I am going to give them some stuff but only some. I just cant handle this right now.

Neva

[lostanddisoriented]

Nev,

I think you have every right to be pissed off and I think you need to tell his family just what you think about their "demanding" his stuff. If you can't do it, ask one of his friends or you parents to ask them to back off. I know that it is hard for you. I still have the very last thing my husband gave to me. I, in the end, had to give all of our stuff to my friends for safe keeping because I was moving and didn't have enough room in the new place for all of his things, my things, and our things. I think the only thing I still have in my possession that was ours, was a ruby red vase my grandmother gave me before she died. I honestly know what you are going through with this "hell" of people hounding you. I finally had to tell my mother-in-law and her family to back off or I will call the cops. The stuff that you have is his and if he has no will all the stuff is rightfully your, by law. The wife is the next-of-kin and so everything will go to her and the kids the couple had together. So, please, be kind to yourself and tell them that you will file harassment charges next time they call to ask for some stuff of his. Then, if they call again, call the police and have them talk to his family. If you have caller id, do not erase it, it will prove your case. If you don't I would suggest getting one in a time like this. You will be able to screen your calls better than you would with an answering machine or voice mail. You will know who is calling and from what number and decide whether or not to take the call. If you decide to call back later, you don't have to hassle with anything but the numbers on the phone and they have a dial back feature. You hit the button "dial" and it dials the number automatically. Check into all of this, it will help, even if it just a small stress buster.

lostanddisoriented

[lauraa]

Nev,

I know grieving causes us all to be very low on energy. I would not give them any of your energy and definitely not any power here. You need to walk away from this. You don't owe them anything at all. If they are concerned about material things then they are telling you something about themselves. You don't need to explain anything to them at all. You know what is important here...and you are only 9 weeks into this and they want to impose on you for "what". Take care of yourself and if that means you holding on to anything and everything that belonged to your love then you keep it and you don't owe anybody anything......You don't even owe them an explanation...save your energy for this hard grieving work you need to do! You know the truth...don't give them "your power"....You/Me/Anyone of us shouldn't make any major decisions that could effect our lives this first year of our loss if we don't absolutely have to. Maybe down the road you would regret giving something of his away that doesn't seem important now but maybe later when you feel stronger it will...Just wait before you make any decisions....I hope that helps!

SIncerely,

Laura

[nev1965]

First of all thank you so much for your support in this. I gave them a clothes basket of things that they can pass among their selves and fight over or whatever. Nothing too much. T-shirts and a pair of jeans some hats he has alot of this kind of thing. But you know it is never enough, now it is we need him buried. I said I will do this when the weather is nice. If they keep it up I will give them a mini-urn and say here, bury him where you want and I will do the same. THEY EVEN WANT THE HEADSTONE FACING EAST. This is his "loving" sister who has NEVER even been to our babies grave. Which is right across the road from my house. I am like ok, i did this for you now back the hell off. My dad is ready to go at them if they bother me one more time. I am done. I gave them enough stuff that they can just shut up. She was telling me you dont know how much this means to me, blah, blah,blah. I am like I understand. But I dont. SHe has only been to my house 2-3 times before my husband passed away. If you really love someone you talk to them. I am not a mean person by any means, I am actually TOO NICE. My mom is the same way. But I am all out of nice. I was supposed to take my 10 yr old step-daughter somewhere this evening and I was too drained to do that. Now I feel awful for disappointing her. I will make it up to her that is for sure. My husbands children are what matters to me the most. I have done my good deed for them so I am finished being nice. They want him buried because they all have something they want to put on his grave. I am like great. He was NEVER big on nick knack crap. I really would prefer if they took some of his ashes and did their own thing. It is my family burial plots in the cemetary where we decided to put Max our angel baby and where we had decided that we would be. My family paid for all his expenses and they are helping me get his headstone. They are the ones that have helped us whenever we needed it during our marriage and it was my dad who made my husbands cross and put it at the scene of the accident to honor him and to let people know that is where he was killed. A reminder to the truck drivers who carelessly fly up and down that dangerous spot. Sorry, I am ranting again. I just want to say thank you so much for your support. I am trying so hard to be a good person throughout all of this but it is getting harder. One of his "friends" even tried to hit on me last night. We spent last new years eve with him and his wife. 2003-2004. the last one my husband was alive for. I truly feel the vultures are swarming in all directions. NOBODY would have dared to hit on me when I had Bill here. It was like I became a non - woman! LOL It felt good though to be left alone because they knew my husband would have went after them. WHY NOW do they feel that it is ok to do that? Sorry, here I go again. thanks so much for listening. I hope you all are doing ok tonight, I really do. Sorry about this me, me, post.

Neva

[cvaughan598]

Nev and all! Haven't posted in a while and wanted to comment on the issues Nev is having. When we are dealing with the grief and the loss of the one person that matters most to us. We lose our patients and our "give a sh**." Trust me, I'll be the first to admit to that. I'm a teacher, so the patients caused an issue in my classroom so I had to take some time to get my head straight. I didn't want to talk to her family, my family, or either of our friends. Not like they called anyway, but I didn't deal with them when they did. You are doing things for his kids and for yourself... Nobody else matters. I agree with the caller ID... If you don't have it, I recommend it for anyone in our situation... because you don't HAVE to talk to anybody. My mother in law still will not come to my house to see our daughter. But expects me to be around to talk and visit with them. It has been 6 1/2 months since I lost my wife Rikki and her mother has been to my house once, her dad zero, and her sister... ZERO...

Rikki and I always talked about things in terms of "our" family. Because once we were married, and especially after we had Madison... Nobody else mattered. It was all about us and we would worry about those outside people if and when we got around to it. They DON'T know what is is like to lose a soulmate. Losing a husband or wife is much different than daughter/son or brother/sister. I can tell just by how her family is handling not having her and how I'm taking it. Stay close to those who support you. Those that don't... Don't give them the time of day. Concentrate on you and his kids. Those are the important people in your life right now. Please keep posting. I wouldn't be at the stage I am now without the people that post on this board!

I'm thinking and praying for you all... I'm going to try to go back to church on Sunday... Haven't been in 7 months... Same church Rikki and I were married in and were members of. I'm going to try it and see how I hold up... Wish me luck!

Chris

[mawmaw]

Hi everyone, I lost Ron Dec.1 2004. People should stop and think about what we are going thru. We don`t mean to sit around and fill sorry for ourselfs, it`s just the pain hurts so bad. I miss Ron so bad, I have been with him since I was 16, we would have been married 34yrs. Dec. 22. and he would have been 57 Jan, 4 of this year. We can`t let family tell us what to do with our loved ones things.When Ron passed, I told all of our family if there was something of Ron`s they wanted to ask me, if it was something the kids and I could let go of they could have it, if not, sorry! The last few days have really been bad for me, no reason. I have highs and lows, when the lows hit it is bad. I really Thank God for these sites, I can`t talk to my friends, they say they want me too,but it is hard unless they have lost someone that was their soulmate, best friend, and lover. I miss him touch,voice, and his since of humor. Sorry to rattle on, but it helps to talk to people who is hurting like me. Thanks, Deb

[nev1965]

Deb- It is very hard the missing part. I know that I will always miss my husband. I loved him so much. People want to understand and help, but they just can't. It is something that is different from the other losses. Like Chris said his wifes family lost her too, but it is still a different pain. It is us the ones left here that have our everyday lives turned upside down and left with the most empty feeling imaginable. We do understand and this site is very helpful.

Chris-

Thank you for your words of support! I am going to start standing up for myself and just telling them now to back off. If I cant do it then I have an army of friends and family who will be more than happy to do that for me.

My sister gave me a late valentines day gift. She had some old film developed and found a picture of me and Bill. It is so wonderful to have it! she enlarged it and put it in a beautiful frame. I am just so happy to have this as it is a photo that I bave never seen obviously. It is a perfect gift. Ofcourse I cried but I am so lucky to have such a wonderful sister. I hope all are doing well as you can today. Thanks for being there yesterday when I was feeling sooo stressed out.

Neva

[lostanddisoriented]

Hello Everyone,

I feel like today has taken a toll on me. I just need someone around me that knows what I am going through and can help me deal with myself. I talked to a few people, but it seems like nobody knows or cares. I feel like a wreck. I want people to know how I feel but I am too scared to really talk to anyone. I feel like I am isolated, alone, with no one in the world really to talk to. I want to know what on God's green earth I did to be threatened by my dead husband's mother. She tried to run me over today, it's like she thinks I am the reason behind her only son's death. I referred her to this website and told her to go to the parents bulletin, but she hasn't. I really don't think she wants help for the greif she is going through. I really like to read the board and as everyone said it is starting to help me little by little each day. Thank you DDoubt for starting this board. It is a life saver for people who have nothing else to count on.

[lauraa]

Hello Everyone,

I miss my husband each and everyday. It is so lonely without him. I feel alone alot and wonder where did all the support go. A friend of my husbands just stopped in and surprised me with a visit and he said people have short memories and sad to say but "life goes on"....it is sad and I think it's true and people really don't or could understand unless they actually have a loss like this themselves. I feel that I am a minority. I do isolate myself because I can't stand people dancing around the real issues and it is uncomfortable so I prefer to stay alone. I make my kids the priority and I do know that I need to be careful not to isolate myself to much. I just am to the point where it is so sad for me because I am in the meat of my grieving and everyone else seems to have forgotten...but, then I think this will also sooner or later happen to everyone so enjoy while it last (not intended to be negative). I never thought anything like this would happen to me. I do get mad at god and ask "why did you take a good, young, decent, caring guy"? Ill never understand why the good die young and lots of the bad guys linger on??? Doesn't anyone have an answer for that????? Anyway, it's important for everyone here to take extra special care of yourselves and be selfish for probally the first time in your lives.....we deserve it after all this....Bless everyone! Laura

[wanice]

Hello Laura, I just found this site tonight and am feeling scared and lonely, after losing my husband suddenly in front of me 2 1/2 weeks ago, from cardiac arrythmia. He was only 46 and we were to celebrate our 25th anniversary next month. We have 3 sons, 23, 18 and 16 years old and we are all having a hard time with this. I still feel in shock and just can't believe he's gone from us - I don't know how to feel or do anything without him. We were together from 16 yrs old. How do you ever live without them? Our family is strong in our faith, but I'm having a hard time praying right now and I pray God forgives me and just keeps holding us. I am having a hard time doing anything that requires definite thinking. I also am so lonely without him - there doesn't seem to be much of any reason for life right now - I know I need to take care of our boys, but am doing everything I can to make myself do that. I have many friends and family, but sometimes feel more lonely with them, when my husband isn't there to be with us. God's blessings and peace to you - Jan

[lauraa]

Hi Jan,

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I will try and help you the best I can. I really do know how you feel. It's terrible and horrible and a total nightmare....I sorry you and you kids have to deal with this. My husband died in May, 04. We were married almost 28 years and met when we were 14. He was the love of my life then and always. I know what you mean when you wonder how you can go on without them. It feels like torture and you really don't want to go on without them! But,we must! I have no zest for life like I once did but try and be strong for my kids. In the beginning I didn't know how I could survive and do the job I needed to do. I was in a complete fog/numb. I felt totally overwhelmed and alone. I was so angry at god but couldn't articulate it at the time. I needed to know besides my religious beliefs that he "lives on"....I started doing alot of reading on the "after life" and that is the only thing that kept me focused and going. It made me feel positive that he lives on in spirit, which is what I believed anyway (eternal life)and these readings helped me tremendously. I also went to a medium for a reading and she told me things that she couldn't possibly know that validated to me that my husband is o.k. and his spirit is alive on the other side. Read HELLO FROM HEAVEN by Judy and Bill Guggenheim and visit www.after-death.com. Also, LIFE ON THE OTHER SIDE by Sylvia Browne. These are just a couple that will help you. I cried alot especially in the beginning and I never knew what would get me going. Sometimes nothing, just know I would never see him here again. I still cry alot. One thing I knew was that I needed to prepare for all the first of everything, ie. anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, etc. But, it was all the little things that got me and has thrown me for a loop, ie, my first migraine headache without him (he always knew what to do), 4th of July?, the kids sporting events, sleeping together and snuggling, looking into his beautiful eyes, etc. We knew what the other thought. We craved the same foods, at the same time. We both wanted and adore our children! I suffer now because of his suffering and knowing that his greatist suffering was that he would leave his family that he loved so much. Jan, keep writing here as it has given much needed support as we all know what each other are going thru. Others really can't support us unless they have experienced it themselves. You can say whatever it is here and it is o.k. And you will get the support that will help give you strength to go on. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy but we are all in the same boat and can help. You anger toward god will lessen I hope but don't be surprised when it flares up from time to time. I think the bible say, God will comfort those who mourn. Someone here said, that the day her husband died was his real birthday as he was then born into his life with Jesus....I found that to be comforting and I think of that as I am approaching my one year anniversay in several months. I'm still trying to make the final decision on what to put on my husbands grave marker...that has been the hardest decision for me and the director of the cemetary is getting perturbed at me...oh well, tough! I'll do it when I'm ready....he got his money! I want it to be perfect!...Please try and take extra care of yourself and make getting a good night sleep a priority and I think you will get along better in the long run. Remember, it is a process and it will take time and we will all do it in our own way and in our own time....It is o.k. to cry and alot. "We grieve as deep as we loved"...I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers...Laura

[computermemaw2]

Jan, right now nothing makes any sense to you; you're still in the state of "what the hell happened?" I wish with all my heart I could tell you it'll get better right away, but it won't. Our "mourner's path" is a long one. If you asked me to tell you about events in this last year, I couldn't. Laura was right when she said you're in a fog at the moment. I look at it that it's like a state of numbness; a survival state. Your pain right now is so bad and so deep you feel like you have no tomorrows, you wish for death for yourself because your loved one was your life and without him, now it seems you have no life. I'm still trying to figure out who I am now. I've always been Mrs someone. Now I'm told I'm single. So who am I now? My last name hasn't changed back to my maiden name so how can I be single? Single infers I don't want to be married. In my heart and mind I still am. I've begun the 13th month without Eddy. 13 months of crying every day, of just trying to keep moving forward because that's the only thing I could do. Like Laura, I've begun reading books on the after life, and I've had 2 medium phone readings. It took me 13 months, but I finally came across a support group. I had to pay to attend it and it's only for 8 weeks, and I'm not even sure if it's helping me, but there's 12 of us in the group who know each other's pain, who can assure each other we're not going crazy, and, since each of us are at different time frames since losing our loved one, I can see how life continues on and find some hope that I'll make it too. I don't want to; I'd rather be with my husband. If asked right now if I was ready--I'd be heading toward my husband--running! I'm not strong religious, but I do believe there's something more than this. I believe there's a supreme being who knows all. For a long time I was so mad at God for taking my husband. I asked what did I do for you to take him from a family who needed him, loved him? My husband hadn't done anything wrong. Why now? And, if we're here for a purpose or to learn lessons, what lessons from life haven't I already experienced to learn from that all that was left was to take my husband from me. I've just started going to church with a friend trying to find some answers or peace within myself. After all, what else do I have to lose? I came across a thought when I was writing the eulogy for my husband that I just came across again and pass it on to you to try and keep in mind--if God brings you to it, He will bring you through it. Happy moments, praise God. Difficult moments, seek God, quiet moments worship God, painful moments, trust God. Every moment, thank God. I know you're hurting. Just try and hang in there. Take one day at a time. Don't make any rash, quick decisions. Don't do anything you don't want to do. You're the one in charge. Only you know what you have to do to make it through this day. If covering up your head with the blanket and staying in bed is what you want to do--then do it. If not talking to anyone on the phone is it, don't answer it when it rings. You've got to give yourself time to heal, time to come to grips with what has happened, time to realize that the life you had has changed, time to think about what you're going to do now. Keep coming back here. Trust me, it helps and will keep you sane. No one judges you here. We know what you're feeling. We draw from each other for strength and the will to go on. We're here for you. Gayle

[lauraa]

SILLYGIRL, I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I AM THINKING OF YOU KNOWING THAT YOUR ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF LOOSING YOU HUSBAND IS COMING UP.......

JOYCE, KNOW I AM ALSO THINKING OF YOU ALL WEEK WONDERING HOW YOU ARE DOING AFTER YOU HAD A SCARE LAST WEEK...HOPE ALL IS WELL................................I WILL KEEP YOU BOTH IN MY HEART AND PRAYERS........................................................LAURA

[wanice]

Thank you so much all of you - I'm having trouble sleeping and have had a hard night tonight and this seems to help me by talking about it to people that understand. Your messages to me help. It's so strange living in this other world right now and doing the things I'm supposed to - but feeling outside of myself. Did it take you all quite some time for the shock to subside? I can't believe even the physical pain we feel. One of my sister's had a dream the other night that she had a conversation with my husband, Brad. She said it was so comforting and real and that he wants my family to get me out and to help me and that he sheds tears for me when I cry, but he is very happy. I know God used dreams in the Bible and I believe He still does - have you heard much about this? It did comfort me - does that sound weird? I ask Jesus to tell my husband things. It's so surreal, isn't it. I feel so old at 46 and see no future ahead. I try to stay strong for my boys - because I know my husband would want me to - especially attending their games and things - so hard without him. I don't know what else to say...just feel so lonely - God's peace - Jan

[ssg1legal]

Good Morning, Jan. I\'m so sorry for your loss. It was a year back on the 10th of this month that my Tom passed on. Like you, I\'m only 47 and feel too old. I can tell you that God does provide the strength for us to carry on. My husband became sick and passed away within three months. Even until the very end, we had hope that God would take the cancer from him, which He did, just not exactly like I had hoped, but nevertheless, Tom was relieved of the terrible pain of cancer. I am certain that he is in heaven and watching over me and our children. I know what you are going through with sleeping. One of my compassionate doctors gave me a prescription for Ambien that I have been able to refill when I need, but after the first four months or so, I came to rely on this wonderfu medication less and less. However, when my Daddy passed away back in July, I did need that help sleeping again, but have since only used it on occassion. It will get easier for you to rest and sleep but right now your mind and body are in a survival mode that is really for your good. God does give us the support that we need and never will give us more than we can bear, although it does seem at times like that limit is about to be reached. Personally, I am thankful for the wonderful love and support that members of the message board have provided to me during this most difficult period. Please continue to pray and trust God, He will never let you down. Again, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family as you begin this healing process. It really does get easier to remember the wonderful times with our husbands and let go of some of our pain. I will always miss my Tom and will always love him. I am looking forward to seeing him again in heaven. Until we meet again. Take care, Jan.

Peace to you,

Susan

[torias]

Hi, I'm new to this site, but as I have read the postings, I feel like you all know me and I know you. It is so nice to see that I'm not crazy. I have to keep telling myself that, as I continue to experience the turmoil of my emotions. My journey, to me, started a year ago this month. My husband's prostrate cancer had gone to his brain and from there, it continued to be a downhill slide for him and me. He died on September 10, 2004. I began seeing counselors May of 2003, when we found out that he needed to begin chemotherapy. My husband was 57 years old and I was 43. As of Feb. 14, 2005, I have been through every major event of our life. The month of October his and my birthdays, on my birthday, I had to put my cat to sleep. The month of November our 18th wedding aniversary, The month of November Thanksgiving, the month of December Christmas, New Year's Eve, and Now Valentines day. I have had to suffer with some of his family members accusing me of chaning the will and changing life insurance polcies, and just plan personal attacks on my character. We had no children together and the focus of our lives were each other. Now that he is gone, I come home to an empty house and live in an empty house. I feel like I am coming out of the fog, and now having to deal with the reality of he is not coming back. I know that I am in the survival mode because I cannot deal with looking at the future without him, as I don't want to live without him now. I know there is no choice, but to continue on, as the one thing about my husband's death was we had time to talk and talk we did. He told me I had to do this without him, and the one thing that helps me through is the fact that he told me to do whatever it takes to be happy. I do have a good support system and without the love and support of my family, some members of his family, his children, and our friends I do not know what I would have done without them.

At almost six months, I cannot imagine this getting easier. I am beginning to realize the secondary losses, for example, if I don't do anything around here, it is not magically going to get done. I am really facing the enormity of life without him, and it is really overwhelming me. It is now up to me for everything. I have never lived alone, and I am now having to totally rely on myself for safety and everything in life and that scares the heck out of me because along with my husband's death, I lost my self-confidence, even though I had to do everything myself for the last year.

Along with the above emotions, I miss him so terribly. My soul aches for him 24/7, and the pain is so tremendous at times, all I can tell myself to do is breath, that the pain will pass. I can't imagine my life without him and I am so lost at this time, I don't know what my life is about. Nothing means the same and I have lost the drive and zest for life that I had when he was here. I cannot imagine that coming back.

I know that my message is about me, but having a place to write down my feelings and hoping I am justified in my feelings is what I need at this time. I hope my posting will maybe help some of you know that you are not alone and that there is someone that feels the same and does understand.

Thanks for listening,

Tori

[sillygirl]

torias, No you are not alone. My husband passed away on Feb 26th 04 and I am now facing the 1 year anniversary of his leaving. I have had to learn to adjust and to carry on. He was only 38 when he died of cancer. My 2 girls are also having to carry on. God has been the most stable person in my life since last Feb. He has given me the strength and comfort to carry on. We have and still do feel the same way as you, some of us are just at different levels or stages of our grief journey. I hope that God will give you the peace and strength that he has given me. I will keep you in my prayers and also thoughts. Take care and always remember, you are not alone! Sue

[pandorra]

Nev, don't you let those relatives treat you that way. You do what YOU want with his things or gravestone, or ashes or whatever. I don't understand how some people can be this way in a time like this. People do not understand what we are going through. No one can even BEGIN to imagine. When I went to Jeff's house to get my things, everything was packed up already. I started crying cuz I should have been there earlier when his mum was there. The only person there was his daughter who he wasn't that close to since he didn't raise her. I told her I would just get our champagne glasses and my Tivo and DVD player. Everything else was boxed up and I didn't feel up to looking for anything. She said her and her husband already decided to take the dvd player and they wanted the Tivo also. I was just crying looking at all our belongings boxed up and treated like trash. I told her that Tivo is mine and its not hers to take. We loved the Tivo and it was athe only thing I could see that would have any memory for me. We kept a big water jug full of change and he said when it got to the top, we would put towards our cruise. I noticed all the money was dumped out and being counted. I thought, who could count money at a time like this?? So she shrugged and told her husband, "It's okay honey, let her take the Tivo. We can buy our own with all this money thats in the jar." I cried harder because that was our money to play with on our cruise. Then at his memorial, one of the girls that had a major crush on him and was always kinda bitchy to me, said to my ex-husband, "I don't want to hear about donna at all cuz this is Jeff's day and I am going to introduce his ex-girlfriend as the current girlfriend." ????? She didn't introduce teh ex. I don't know why, maybe cuz my parents, and my aunt, and Jeff's mother all standing around me let her know that would not have gone well. It amazes me how cruel some people can be.

I have not been doing well. I have seemed to just shun everyone and everything. I feel like i will just bring everyone down because I am so depressed and angry. I didn't even want to post here because my anger is so strong right now. Not just angry at God, but angry at Jeff. Im so MAD at him for leaving me at a bad time. For not going to the damn ER when I told him, and then for LEAVING the doctor when he finally did go back. Left. didn't stay for the appointment and he died that night. I didn't even KNOW but his friend told me, he felt better while waiting for his appointment, so he just went home. I am having a very hard time getting over that fact. I sometimes tell him Im sorry I ever layed eyes on him when my anger is at its peak. I feel like I will even bring everyone HERE down with my anger. I tried writing letters to him like everyone said here and the only thing that comes out is me screaming at him in anger. So I don't write him letters. I can't talk to him or God right now.

I worry about myself sometimes. I feel so damn cheated that he was taken from me right before we were to announce our plans to everyone and move in together. I was cheated out of memories I should have.

I hope everyone else is doing better than I am. I wish you all peace of mind.

[nev1965]

Donna- Please hang in there. CALL ME!! I AM HOME. I understand and I am here for you. I gave them some things now I am going to just stay away from them. It is ridiculous. I cant feel sorry for them because of the way they treated him when he was here. I feel like everyone has a burr up their butts about things lately and I dont care. I was doing so good then that happened and I just took many steps backward. I am moving back forward again and I need to keep doing that. I just cant take it sometimes. It is unbelievable how much you can miss someone. I just wish that he was anywhere on earth so I could make him come home! Hang in there. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I am right there with you. You know that. Your anger is natural and very normal. Just remember that they never wanted to leave us, but I do get angry with Bill sometimes because I feel so deserted without him here to protect me from the vultures. We can do this together, we have this board with all of these wonderful people who really know how this is. Please just know that you are not alone!

Neva

[lostanddisoriented]

Hello everyone,

I have been reading a book recently call A HELPFUL GUIDE TO THE PROBLEMS OF BEING A WIDOW by LYNN CAINE. It has helped me tremendously since I hav ebeen reading it. I think that anyone who hasn't read it, that is strugglign should eventually try to read it. The author went through this exact thing when her husband Martin died. I hope this book will give someone a hand in what the are feeling.

[torias]

Dear Pandorra & Nev 1965 - I know I'm new here, but I have read your postings and I hope that you don't mind or feel that I am intruding, but since September 2004, when my husband died, I went through the same thing with my husbands relatives. I got so caught up with them, that I foregot what was really important. THAT WAS ME!!!! It was stopping me from grieving because I was so angry and hurt that people that have been my family for 18 years could be so cold-heated and cruel. They acted like my husband alone worked for everything we have, and that it should go to his kids, and if they would have had their way, I would be living under a bridge with nothing. They even came into our home during the time of preparation of the funeral and tried to give our things away. We had not even buried him yet. It was not there place as there was a will - After five months of trying to keep the peace and take care of everyone else so no one would be mad at me, I have had to draw the line to say no more. Once I had done this, I realized that I gave them power over me that I should never have given them. Another thing I realized was that I was not doing as well as I though I was doing because I was not grieving for my husband, as I said I was so caught up in things that were being said and trying to do everything for them so they wouldn't be mad.

All I can tell you, is once I was able to put them behind me and stop trying to keep peace and take care of everyone, I have felt a heavy burden lifted from my shoulders and I can now concentrate on traveling the path I must take.

As you know, we did not choose this, and I don't know why the curelty and meanness and selfishness come out in people at a time like this, but all I can tell you is this: YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRWST AND DON'T WORRY ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE AND WHAT THEY WANT OR NEED, UNLESS THEY ARE YOUR CHILDREN, BUT PUT YOURSELF FIRST AND I KNOW MAKING DECISIONS AT THIS TIME ARE VERY HARD, BUT IF YOU CAN, DECIDE WHERE YOUR LINE IS AND DRAW IT. I know this might not work for you, but don't try and carry a heavier burden than what you need to carry at this time. Since I have been only able to think of myself and my path, and you know how hard this path is to walk, I am able to focus on the important things of trying to survive from day to day and make decisions that needed to be made for myself to get through this.

I hope this helps,

Tori

[torias]

Sillygirl:

Thank you so much for responding to me. I know that I need to get the Lord back into my life. When my husband first died I was going to church and praying all the time, but as you read my post, I got so caught up in the family crap, that I have not followed up on that. I spent all of my time on worrying about the family members that were giving me problems, that I stopped going to church and praying. I have found my way back to my, as hospice would call it, "My River of Grief," I am going to get back into my faith. Thanks again for your encouragement and most of all your thoughts and prayers. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers also, as I have heard that the one year anniversary is a very hard one. I hope and pray that you will find peace and comfort as you move towards your anniversary. Please know that I will be thinking of you.

Love,

Tori

[torias]

I know I have posted quite a bit tonight, but I reread all of your postings and have found hope, sorrow, and encouragement from the support you have given each other. Therefore, for those of you who have not read this, I would like to share something hospice gave to me. You can copy it and give to everyone that you want to share your journey with so maybe they can some understanding of what we are going through:

Please be Gentle

Please be gentle with me for I am grieving

The river I must navigate is a lonely one, and it is deep and wide

The rapids of despair numb my my soul as I struggle to paddle through the day.

My heart is heavy with sorrow.

I want to shout and scream and repeatedly ask, "why?"

AT times, my grief overwhelms me, and I weep bitterly, so great is my loss.

Please don't turn away or tell me to move on with my life.

I must embrace my pain before I can heal.

Campanion me through my tears and sit with me in loving silence.

Honor where I am in my journey, not where you think I should be.

Listen patiently to my story.

I may need to tell it over and over again.

It's how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss.

Nuture me through the weeks and months ahead.

Forgive me when I seem distant and inconsolable.

A small flame still burns within my heart,

and shared memories may trigger both laughter and tears.

I need your support and understanding.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve.

I must navigate my own path.

Please, will you float beside me?

My support system, even though wonderful, have never lost their soulmates, parterners, spouse, I gave this to each of them when I got it, and they say that it really has helped them to try to understand what I am going through.

I hope you can share this with your loved ones and I pass this on to you to ask you to float beside me?

May peace and comfort find way to your souls. You are all in my thoughts as I say goodnight.

Love,

Tori

[polishbaby]

Tori

I just read your poem, "Please Be Gentle". I sure wish I had this poem when I first lost my husband. You see yesterday was my one year after being married for 19 years. Yes, I do miss him so. Just want to thank you for your post, it does help. Thanks again, Diana.

[lauraa]

DEAR TORI,

YOUR POEM IS WRITTEN PERFECTLY AND EXACTLY HOW I'M SURE WE 'ALL' FEEL HERE. THANK YOU...I WILL PRINT IT AND SEND IT TO FRIENDS AND FAMILY. WHEN WILL THE TEARS END...DO YOU THINK EVER? DO YOU THINK WE WILL EVER FEEL NORMAL AGAIN? I AM JUST TRYING TO TAKE IT ONE DAY AT A TIME AND CRY AS IT COMES...NO PRESSURE ON MYSELF. I JUST TRY AND TAKE CARE OF MYSELF THE BEST I CAN. I TRY AND WATCH MY KIDS AND MAKE SURE THEY ARE DOING O.K. THEY ARE JUST STARTING TO REALLY TALK ABOUT THEIR DAD NOW AFTER 9 MONTHS (THEIR PAIN WAS JUST TO MUCH UNTIL NOW). I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO WARM WEATHER AND CONSISTANT SUNSHINE....THANK YOU AND WE WILL KEEPING LIFTING EACH OTHER............................LAURA

[torias]

Laura:

I'm glad you appreciated the poem. I hope it does help. I wish I had the magic answers for us. Will the tears end, I hope so. Will we feel normal? I don't know if we will ever feel normal, as normal to me is having my husband being here and living our life again. So no, I don't think we will ever be normal, as we are forever changed. I feel once we have reached the end of our journey and begin our healing, we will have had to reach deep within ourselves to find the courage and the strength to walk our path to move forward at all times, even when we don't have the strength to move forward. I feel we will reach our healing with new found inner strength that we don't know that we really have at this time. I am taking it day by day and sometimes five minutes at a time. But I have to have hope that this will get better. I have talked to people that have lost their husbands years ago and they say the tears will not be there all the time, and the pain that we are feeling now will lessen and will not be as deep or has sharp. I hang on to this, as it is the one thing that brings me comfort in knowing as bad as I feel now, it will get easier. I have been through a lot of counseling beginning before my husband died and a lot of counseling since.

For now, the only thing we can do is take it minute by minute and tear by tear. What my hospice counselor keeps telling me is the more I let down and feel the pain and cry, the more it will cleanse my soul of the pain and will slowly begin to wash the pain away. I think we have to hold on to that hope.

You just keep hanging in there and doing whatever you want to do. Whether it's crying, screaming, writing in your journal, whatever you need to do at that minute. You are the number one thing at this time and to try to make everything right again, you need to get through your journey the best way you can. I don't look to the future yet, I look only when I need to make decisions.

Thank you for your support and I will be here the best I can for you and everyone else here.

I pray for peace and comfort for us,

Tori

[torias]

Polishbaby:

Thank you for your posting. I hope that you are doing okay. My thoughts and prayers are with you at this time.

Love

Tori

[jenmulloy]

I haven't posted in what seems like forever. I think the 13th was the last post. I don't really have a lot to say. My "friends" haven't called for months now, with the exception of the ones I always keep in touch with from high school, which is 3. My Brady is talking a lot now and it is so cute. 20 months seemed to fly by. I was looking at his first birthday pictures and found pictures of the three of us cutting his cake and opening his presents. I'm glad I was so picture happy when it came to getting pictures of him every month, which I still do as close to the 10th every month. Brads been gone for three months today and it seems like a lifetime. I feel as if I'm forgetting him sometimes just cause I can't smell him and see him and hold him.

[lauraa]

Tori,

I do feel that when I cry I am going deeper and deeper into my soul. I feel when my husband took his last breathe and closed his eyes, he took me with him into his soul....I will forever be linked to him now and for eternity! One this plane and on the next. I can't ever think that what we experienced here was all for none...he has come to me each and everytime I have had a reading with a medium, in my dreams, etc. I pray that everyone here and beyond will get to a place of peace so we can all finish our journeys here with the knowledge that we will be with our loved ones again...................Laura

[computermemaw2]

Brads been gone for three months today and it seems like a lifetime. I feel as if I'm forgetting him sometimes just cause I can't smell him and see him and hold him.

My dear I know exactly how you feel. It's been 13 months for me and I still cry each day. Don't know why, but the past couple of days have been especially hard and I've just cried my eyes out coming home from work. I have a picture of my husband I keep by the couch where I sleep so I can see his face whenever I feel I'm forgetting what he looks like. The longing is unbearable. I find myself asking at night for him to just please hold me close so I'll know everything will be alright. You hang in there. I know your little one is so precious right now. When my granddaughter was born I was forever taking video pictures. I'm so happy I did because many of the films have my husband in them. So far I've only been able to look at one, and by myself because I knew I'd get emotional. Keep snapping away with those pictures. You'll blink and he'll be grown! We love you. Gayle

[notreallyawidow]

I see that this topic is "loss of a partner". Does this apply to a finace' who died as well? I was going to another website: www.ywbb.org

But after reading a "widow's" remarks on how people who have lost a fiance'/girlfriend/boyfriend do not belong there, I wanted to check this site out. I was so hurt and offended by the lack of sympathy in those remarks, especially when there is a section titled "Special Circumstances - engaged..."

My fiance' died 12/14/04 at the age of 43. He was diagnosed with lukemia only 2 months prior to that. We would have been together 4 years next month.

I miss him SO MUCH. He was truly my soulmate. The only thing we didn't share was joint assets and last name. His kids consider me their "step-mom".