I Miss Him So...

March 6, 2005

It's 9.45 pm here in Texas and today has been a good day. That means that I had a period of at least 3 hours when I wasnt crying. I wrote thank you cards to all the people who sent flowers and cards and brought food, enough to feed the entire state; and then I screamed really loud. I hugged my Husbands worn t-shirt to my face, I sat on the bathroom floor where he died in the early morning of February 15th when I was out of town on business. I talked to him....I tried to make a deal with him......"just give me a sign" I said - "just let me know you are OK", I said - "please help and guide me to do the right things" I said. My hero is gone. We married 10 weeks after we met, nearly 10 years ago. It was love at first sight - true love; he was my everything. I am lost, alone, desperately sad, confused, cannot believe I will never see him again in this life. I am questioning so many things. People tell me "he is here with you" - but I cant see him. All I want to do is sleep and never wake up.

March 7, 2005

Angelam and all my friends here,

I am sorry for your loss and everything you said mirrors how I feel, exactly! It has been almost 10 months for me and everything is right there on the surface for me. Yesterday was a really bad day for me. I feel the debths of my soul is exposed. I went for a walk alone yesterday and had a talk with god....I haven't been able to truely pray and the intellect in me knows anger is a stage of grieving and so I have accepted that as normal but yesterday when I was walking and crying I finally articulated for myself how I feel. It's only being honest....I have always loved god my entire life but finally being truthful I felt for the first time in my life that....God doesn't love me! It was a really low day for me. I have endured alot of tragedy in my life but always trusted god to carry me. I just don't know why if he loved me he would allow for such a horrible thing to happen to my husband and our family????? And, I feel because I am being honest with my feelings and they aren't adoring to god that I will be punished again for feeling that way. I have always tried to do the right things with god as my focus and now I am so lost in this world. Last night I woke up from a deep sleep in a full blown panic attack...I have never ever felt so alone and empty. And, I am reaching to the debths of my soul to find a way to understand, refresh, renew...believe again!

I apologize as my intention is never to bring anyonw else down...I am just at a very low point in my grieving!

Thanks to everyone for listening as I feel you all are the only ones who understand....because you have "been there".

I think of you all everyday and your all close to my heart!

March 7, 2005

LAURAA.. I AM SO SORRY THAT YOU ARE FEELING SO DOWN AND ALONE. GOD HASNT LEFT YOU AND YES HE STILL LOVES YOU. HE WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU, HIS LOVE IS UNCONDITIONAL. NO MATTER IN THIS LIFE WHAT WE DO OR SAY, HE LOVES US. ALL WE NEED TO DO IS ASK HIM TO FORGIVE US. I HAVE PASSED THE YEAR MARK AND I AM NOW HOPING THAT THIS YEAR WILL BRING AN EASIER TIME. I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY GOD TAKES OUR LOVED ONES, ONLY THAT WE ARE ALL HERE FOR A PURPOSE, I FEEL LIKE THAT JERRY FULFILLED HIS PURPOSE THAT GOD PUT HIM HERE FOR AND SO IT WAS THEN TIME FOR HIM TO GO HOME WITH GOD. I DONT QUESTION GOD ANYMORE, I JUST THANK HIM EVERYDAY FOR ALL OF HIS GRACE, MERCY AND BLESSINGS AND MAKE THE MOST OUT OF THE DAY. LIFE IS TOO SHORT ANYMORE TO NOT. I HOPE FOR YOU THAT GOD WILL BRING YOU BRIGHTER DAYS AHEAD AND THAT YOU WILL FEEL COMFORT AND STRENGTH. I WILL KEEP YOU IN MY PRAYERS AND THOUGHTS. TAKE CARE LAURAA SUE

March 7, 2005

I want to welcome all the new people to this site. Everyone here

knows what you are going through and we will all pray for you and

your families.

Today is my 59th birthday and my sons 31st birthday. The first

one we have to go through without Bob. It was 8 months Feb 27th

that we lost Bob. I too have my ups and downs; some days are

easy and others are unbearable. When bob passed, he had suffered

from cancer for months. I didnt get devastated until I received

his ashes back and then it hit me; He was gone forever and I

had promised to keep his ashes until my time comes and then

our ashes will be spread over water by our sons and grandchildren.

This is hard, I light my candle every day and I talk to him

daily; but my heart breaks and I have no idea where I belong

I have friends but they are married and I cant look at them

together. I watch some widows and widowers going on their

way and I wonder how they can. I will never be able to go on

my way without bringing Bob with me in my heart and soul.

They say that God never gives us more than we can handle and

I wonder sometimes; but then when I am feeling as though I

cant handle anymore, I think of Bob and what he would want

me to do and I am okay because I feel his presence. Someone

told me that when I start feeling his presence, I am facing

my grief because until I do face it, he cant get through to

me.

When they told me that Bob had seen the beginning of the tunnel,

I ran out of the room shouting, "I cant do this". Then I calmed

down and went to Bob, who was in bed, and I realized that I

had to do this. I had to make sure he was as comfortable as

possible, I had to make sure he knew how much I loved him;

I had to help him get rid of his hatred for his real father;

there was so much I had to do. And yet, I didnt do all that

I should have. At first, I hated myself for not showing Bob

all the love that I had for him; for not telling him how

much I needed and wanted him to stay; for not holding him

enough. then I realized that if I had done all that I wanted

to; he would have been more upset and it would have made it

harder for him to go.

Although it seems as we have been hit with too much to handle,

we will all get through it eventually. God is with us and

he understands when we are mad at him; he understands what

we are going through. He will help us as much as he can and

our loved ones will be with us - just not physically as we

all want them to be.

In the first few months, I went to sleeep every night with

a sweatshirt of Bobs that still has his smell on it; I couldnt

sleeep without it; now I sleeep with it less and less.

The best thing I can tell you is: Cry, Yell, Be Mad at God,

Do whatever it takes to get out those feelings of anger and

being lost; because if you keep them built up inside- you

will end up on pills. I take an anxiety pill whenever I

get out of control )and I still get overly upset) just not

as much as I did before.

I kept my journal every day in the beginning and now I write

very little, I think because I am talking to Bob a lot more

now.

Take day by day; hour by hour or minute by minute; whatever

it takes to help you. And never apologize for expressing

yourself here- we are here to listen; we are your outlet.

God Bless Everyone

JOyce

March 7, 2005

Laura,

I wish there was something I could do to help you feel less

lonely. I know that you will be okay, because you are a

strong person, a loving, caring person.

I wish I could tell you that time heals, I just dont know

if I believe that or not. I am 59 years old; no interest

in ever getting involved with anyone; planning to get my

own place and living alone. I have never lived alone-

I got married two years after I graduated high school;

when I divorced my first husband, I had a three year old son;

and then I married Bob. Now I will live alone for the first

time in my life when I get my SSD and find a place. This is

scarey for me; but yet I need to do it. If just to get Bobs

things around me again.

I am reading all the posts here and no matter what your age,

wether or not you have kids; the impact is the same.

So, take care of yourself; I am sure that the future will

be okay foryou.

God Bless

Joyce

March 8, 2005

for Angelam....you are so new in your grief and the hurt is great at this time, you need support and you need hugs, I have been there and know the hurt and the loss and pain. It has been 22 months for me...so all the things that grief does to you has come and gone many times. Im so much better now, but only time and friends and letting myself have my own space has helped. It all takes time, lots of time. You will heal at your own speed and no one can dictate what you need or what you should feel. Everyone kept saying ...well whats wrong why arent you getting out why arent you working..blah blah blah. Well you do it at your own speed, some days, its all you can do to get out of bed, some days you cant get dressed and some days you want to just do anything you can as to drown your memories. Try to be with people as much as you can tolerate...it helps. Try to remember all the funny things you did, the good things that brought you comfort, the places you used to go to ....puts good thoughts in your mind, replaces the painful thoughts. Cry all you want, it washes out the pain and hurt and will leave you with blissful sleep. Sleep will be your only escape some days. Sleep all you can..there will be weeks when you cant sleep. I didnt sleep for 3 months...got sick and was in a mess. Had Pnemonia 3 times that summer and thought I would die. God sent an angel into my life last spring....I was smitten and learned to feel and care about someone again. It was too soon and was very stormy relationship, because I was so lost and still in the past and could not quit feeling guilty. Well after several months I learned to live in the moment again. But the angel has moved on....we are friends always...I love him, I know that...I wish God would lead him back to me. Im ready now....anyway...I want to let you know this is a good thing you found your way to this web site. Its very helpful to share your thoughts and feelings. It helped me so much when I lost my husband. I know you have a long road to go...God bless you and take care of you.

March 8, 2005

Thank you for your replies to my post, I know we are all suffering and I do so appreciate your words of kindness. Today was a not so good day. I am lost. Sometimes I get really really cold and need a jacket in the house - I wonder why this is; the next moment I am so hot it feels like the heating is on. I wander around carrying the last t-shire that Mike wore which has become my best friend. I havent changed the sheets on the bed where we slept together because I cant bear to let go of one single thing. I go to the store and cannot wait to get home to my safe haven; yet it is so sad everywhere I look here. I am still writing thank you cards and sobbing like a baby. People come, and people go - I like it best when I am alone. I churn everything over and over in my mind until I nearly drive myself completely insane but at least I can cry loudly when no one is here. I don't understand why this happened and the way it happened. I ask God, surely one more day wouldnt have mattered to you and then perhaps I could have been with him. I dont know if I can believe that we are never given more than we can handle.....I dont't know if I want to be this strong. Perhaps if I had more faith and understood more about where he is and why he is there....its just all so intangible and in my head that I can't get my arms around understanding it all. I am just so very confused and so very, very sad.

March 9, 2005

Dear Angelam,

I can so understand exactly every word you are saying. Sorry to say you are not alone! That's the good and bad news! We all understand how you are feeling. It is the worst thing for anyone to have to endure. Everyday is an adventure. It has almost been 10 months for me since I lost my husband (my best friend, companion and soulmate). I don't think life will ever be the same for me as much as I try. I don't know what any new day will bring for me. I use to fear the nights then I started getting thru them by taking Tylenol PM and then the mornings for horrific...now, I am prepared for anything. I cry everytday and I'm so sad. I'm pissed at god right now for taking a really good decent human being from this earth way to young...I don't understand and never will! I question why is life so damn hard? What did we do to deserve this? And, so many questions. I would only suggest right now that you keep talking to all of us here and all your closest friends. Try to get a good night sleep even if you need to take something. Do whatever you have to in order to get thru the day. Acknowledge every feeling you have and know they are normal no matter and don't be to hard on yourself. I use to fear that big uncontrollable cry I felt coming on but now I just go with it. I always feel the pressure building from my gut and working it's way up until I just have to release it by crying. Don't be surprised if your support diminishes with time. I would suggest getting a good grief counselor as I would have been lost without mine. I also prefer to be alone. I can't be with couples or go to parties, etc. My church is out of the question for me and unbearable to even think about going. I have however found a beautiful Spiritual church that I attend when I can and have found "great comfort" when I go. It has actually saved me and I feel drawn to go there/actually pulled to go there. There are so many stages to go thru..and I hate them all... it's all so painful. The thoughts and feeling are so surreal. I still can't believe that my husband in no longer with us on earth...But, what I have come to believe is he lives on in the "afterlife"...he isn't sick anymore, no more pain and heart ache...and he is still with us.....Read anything you can get your hands on about that.

HELLO FROM HEAVEN by Judy and Bill Guggenheim

Look into Sylvia Brownes books, George Andersons, etc.

My husband came to me in our bedroom one night in August...it wasn't long but he presented his face to me in our bedroom window and I had a dream that he was standing next to me at his casket and he said to me "I am not there"....he was trying to say that he didn't die and that he lives on. That has helped me to know that....I always had faith and believed in eternal life but when I lost my husband I had to know. A medium confirmed that to me when my husband came thru and she told me things she would never had known. It really has helped me to cope and move forward. There are some people who disagree with going to a medium for religious reasons and I say, too bad. I'm not hurting anyone but trying to survive and regain my belief in this life...You do have to be careful as there are quacks in all walks of life. Start by doing alot of reading and talking where the support is. Anger is a part of this grieving cycle and that is where I am right now coupled with intense saddness. There is no right or wrong way of grieving and there are no time limits. You can't go over it, around it, only thru it! It sucks! Take care of yourself, be selfish...and that isn't a bad thing. Ask for help when you need it cause people aren't good at coming to you at this time...I still haven't figured that out????? I think they just don't want to see the saddness and it hit close to home! Stay here with us and know it is o.k. even if you are totally "PISSED", depressed, sad...we all know and understand. Many blessings to you and I will hold you along with everyone else here close to my heart...Laura

March 9, 2005

Hello everyone,

It has been awhile since I have been on the boards posting things. I have been trying to deal with things in my own way. It has been almost ten months since I lost my husband James and things are starting to get very weird and very saddening for me. I have not been able to get much rest lately because I keep having dreams. Nightmares if you want to call them that. Monday night, my husband appeared to me in a dream and told me that he was ok and to move on. Last night, I couldn't fall asleep until 3:30 a.m. The first dream I had last night was in the area we took a retreat with our church on. I was sitting in a row boat, and he fell out. I kept trying to reach him, to save him, but he kept floating further and further away. Finally, he told me that he was alright, that death was inevitable and I needed to move on without him. The final dream I had last night, we were in a car wreck together. The car was totaled, I was okay, but he was very mangled. He looked at me, smiled, and told me, "I have to go but you need to stay. Everything is okay. Move on, you are strong enough." Can someone help explain to me what the hell is going on? Thank you for your support and help.

March 10, 2005

Lostanddisoriented

I have had the exact same problems with dreams. I was told that dreams like that occur typically when you drown yourself in guilt because you couldn't help them. The infamous "what if's" that cause you to go crazy thinking where you might be if you could have done something, could have found them sooner, stayed up with them longer type of thing. I believe that because I found my husband just 5 hours after I'd talked to him last and couldn't believe I didn't hear anything when he fell. It almost seems like your husband was trying to tell you that no matter how he would have or could have passed, he was always going to be okay, but I'm not an expert, I just had to talk to someone about the dreams in general and that was the answer I got about the guilt complex. I have tried to come to the understanding that if I was meant to hear something, I should have, but I wasn't and it was his time to go. I have to almost remind myself of that because I go crazy thinking if I had gotten to him right when he fell, I could have saved him. I don't know about you, but I really truly believe in the afterlife and when someone you loved so much knows how much you are grieving, that is typically the way they contact you to try and comfort you. My mother in law thinks I'm crazy, but when I dream I see him and it helps me make it through just one more heart wrenching day without the love of my life. I hope you are healing as well as can be.

Chris

I think you were saying how you wear Rikki's rings? I couldn't remember but I as pretty sure it was you that had pictures done or something to that affect. I guess my problem is that I've had people ask me rather astonished that I have Brads wedding band and I didn't bury him in it. I almost wonder if that's just another thing to give me grief for, but now I'm feeling guilty that I didn't. It's hard enough knowing that I'm considered single again after almost 7 years of marriage, but then I have to deal with people and their opinions on me keeping his ring. I kept his high school ring too, is that horrible? I'd like to give it to my son one day considering he won't have any recollection of his father. I guess I'd better keep my mouth shut about that so I don't get griped at for that too. It's bad enough to not have him around, but being made to feel guilty about every decision I try to make is just driving me crazy. Who knows, maybe I'm the crazy one and his family are the normal people because I just don't have the energy to fight with them anymore.

Everyone

I hope all of you are pulling through the day with the best outlook possible. I know a lot of things seem impossible right now. I've just come to the conclusion that it has to be all about you now. Yes, children too, but it has to be about you. I've had this huge urge to just punch somebody lately because of my anger and wanting to just scream and shout and throw a fit because I just hate not being in control and not having what I want. I joined a fitness club and it has worked wonders for me and working out my anger. I can beat the crud out of the machines and get a little bit of strength in return. My palpatations have gone down considerably and I'm finally getting stuff done instead of letting things pile up. It's taken a while, but I have to do this for me and my sons welfare. I don't mean to preach if it sounds like it, I hope all finds you as well as can be and you are all in my thoughts and prayers.

Jen

March 10, 2005

Jen and Everyone,

I also kept my husbands wedding band..it was a tough decision to make because he loved it so...I kept it because I will also leave my wedding rings because I hope they will stay in our family and mean something to our children....Remember, they really are just earthly things and are just symbols our our love. What really counts and matters is what is in our hearts and what is taken to the "afterlife" in our "souls". Our husbands took our love with them, not rings.....Don't worry about what others think as you know in your heart what is real and what "really" matters. When others act like that they are showing you how ignorant and petty they are. You know what your relationship meant and you are the one who had to handle everything the way you saw fit...and, at an extremely stressful time....So tell them all to bug off and grow up. I think once we have gone thru something this horrendous we can't deal with such non-sense. Can't they see how rediculous they are? You know in your heart you did the right thing.

Lostanddisoriented, I think your husband is telling you he is o.k. and there is nothing you could have done and that he is watching you and knows how upset you are and he wants you to feel o.k. and be happy. I know if the table was turned and I was the one who "passed" I would want my loved ones to not be so unhappy and sad....but I intellectually know it is a process we all have to go thru.

As much as I would like to feel good I am only human and this grieving is a process to the point that I don't know what each and everyday will bring to me...I am numb again but angry so I apologize if I come across in an awful way as I really want to be supportive to everyone here. I have decided that whatever stage I am in I will honor it as that is the only way I will truely get thru this. We all need each other and we will get thru this together.....I am really sorry everyone has to go thru such hell. The stories here and on the news break my heart...and, so I know I'm not alone..........Blessings to all.

Laura

March 10, 2005

Laura, Jen and Everyone,

Well, i made it through my first birthday without Bob. It wasnt

easy and I listened to the cassette tape he made for me and I

cried, and laughed. I feel so alone, like I dont fit anywhere.

Dont know what to do. I light my candle every day, talk to him

everyday; but no dreams, no feelings of him being here.

Our oldest son is recuperating from his apendix operation.

When I was told he needed it, my first reaction was this is an

every day operation; then he had complications and I started

praying and talking to Bob. I just knew that nothing bad could

happen to our son, because it was too soon for another tragedy.

I kept telling God that I couldnt take it if anything happened

to our son so soon after losing Bob. Is this the way life is

going to be from now on? Worry after worry?

I am able to handle every day life better than I have been able

to in the past 8 months; but I cant handle the emergencies.

I am counting the days till the holistic fair in May. I hope

to hear from Bob.

I couldnt find the spiritual church in Allentown. The address

was down an alley with all houses and nothing had a church

name on it. So I will continue my search.

I know what everyone is going through and anyone who has friends

whom they can talk to has something special. I dont have anyone

to talk to, my friends avoid any talk of Bob. so I make it

through the days talking to Bob about things we have done

together and places we went together and our dreams and plans

about our kids and grandkids and I feel better.

We all have to do whatever helps us, I read a lot of books

and I spend a lot of time alone. One day at a time.

God Bless

Joyce

March 10, 2005

Joyce,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! My first birthday without my husband was in July soon after he "passed" and it was very difficult. You are strong and sound like you are doing o.k.. I'm glad you son is o.k. and on the mend. I have some of the same fears...like I couldn't handle another thing. Just dealing with our grieving is enough.....Keep writing here Joyce, and you won't feel quite so alone.....If I ever go to Pa...I'm calling you....Laura

March 10, 2005

Joyce,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! My first birthday without my husband was in July soon after he "passed" and it was very difficult. You are strong and sound like you are doing o.k.. I'm glad you son is o.k. and on the mend. I have some of the same fears...like I couldn't handle another thing. Just dealing with our grieving is enough.....Keep writing here Joyce, and you won't feel quite so alone.....If I ever go to Pa...I'm calling you....Laura

March 10, 2005

Hi Laura,

I am having trouble with this site, does anyone else have a problem?

my posts arent going through. Well, here goes again, wish me luck.

Thank you laura for all your support. You are strong too. I think

we both, as well as others , get our strength from this site.

If you, or anyone else, ever gets to Allentown PA area, let me

know, I would love to meet you.

It would be nice to see and talk in person to someone who is

experiencing what I am.

God Bless You All

JOyce]

March 11, 2005

hello to everyone, i wanted to say thank you for all of your kind words and support. i'am sorry i haven't posted sooner but i have been having a really bad week. today , for what ever reason, i feel alittle better. i'am glad a can talk to someone about this who understands what i'am going thru because my family and friends haven't been here for me..the last time i heard from my friends was at daves funeral..my mom calls every now and then to see how i'am doing but acts disappointed if i tell her "I'am not doing so good". she and alot of other people think i should be getting over this by now..how do i do that when a piece of me died with dave..i'am stilling having a hard time accepting that fact that he is gone and will never be a part of my life here again..i miss him so much at times ,i can't breath..

chris, daves autopsy report came back saying there was no medical reason that they could find that would have caused him to stop breathing.he was in fine health. we are waiting on the toxicology report to come back. it should be in another two weeks. i'am hoping to have some kind of answer so maybe i could have some kind of closure to this..but i doubt that i ever will. my thoughts and prayers are with you and your little girl...

talk about wanting to punch something or someone..i have been wanting to do that here latetly too. the bad part about it is i'am not the type of person who gets angry or if i do i can't stand it..i will cry the whole time i'am mad.. but now i can't control the anger..i have been going thru so much waves here of emotions, that i feel so out of control with myself and life. the pain is still so deep. my kids have been a big help to me..i'am glad i have them to keep me busy. ( four kids keep you very busy ) i don't know if i would have made it this far without them..plus knowing i have others to talk to that won't judge me about the way i feel or why i'am not moving on quicker, will also help me to cope with this...i thank all of you again and you will be in my thoughts and prayers always....

kim

March 11, 2005

Dear Kim,

I know what you mean...I feel isolated alot but that is partly my fault as I chose to be alone because it was so uncomfortable to be out or with others. But, for the most part people stopped calling after my husbands funeral and it has been almost 10 months for me. We were together since we were 14 and married almost 28 years...Ya, I guess you could say I am lost without him! We were a twosome, always...true soulmates. Only others who have been thru a relationship like that could possibly understand. Even my family doesnt call often. Very seldom does anyone ask me how "I feel". I am alone! I knew that soon after the funeral and I knew down deep that I would be alone and that I was the only one who could get me healed of this loss....I still cry everyday as I miss him so much and I cry for the pain and suffering he had to endure. The biggest one being the thought that he would leave his family that he loved so much. I don't have an explanation as to why people don't call or when they do they don't ask the right stuff...I am still trying to figure that out. All I know is if it was one of my friends or family I would make time...I guess that's the part that upsets me the most. I guess we learn something everyday. I have 3 teenagers and they have been the ones that have also kept me going as hard as it was in the beginning...Reading about the "afterlife" also helped me keep my sanity and I also went to a medium who in turn told me things that she wouldn't have known that gave me validity that my husband is still going strong...I hope you continue to have a good evening and keep writing.

Laura

March 12, 2005

Goodmorning everyone,

Oh how I miss my Husband.

In the grocery store yesterday I was surrounded by all of the things that I would have bought for us........things he particularly liked to eat. It has been almost one month since he died - and it feels like yesterday. I am beside myself. I met someone yesterday who I know very well - and couldnt remember their name........I am losing things for no apparent reason......and taking a shower in the morning is something I have to force myself to do. My house is covered in the plants that were sent to the service - I am surrounded by cards I have yet to acknowledge - and people all around me are smiling everywhere I look. Phone calls have all but stopped - but when they do come, I dont want to hear "how are you" any more. I dont want "what can I do" one more time. The only thing anyone can do, they cant do - and the only thing I want - they cant give me. How ungrateful is that..........they dont know, they are trying. I just cannot come to grips with him never walking in the door and saying "hallo dear"; never getting up from his chair and meeting me at the front door saying "hallo dear, I have missed you so much". There is no him anymore and I am so broken.

There are no flashing lights in my house, no candles going out of their own accord, no dreams of him, no mysterious happenings - is there really an afterlife - is he really with me? I talk to him all the time - outloud. He never answers.

Angela

March 12, 2005

Goodmorning everyone,
Oh how I miss my Husband.
In the grocery store yesterday I was surrounded by all of the things that I would have bought for us........things he particularly liked to eat. It has been almost one month since he died - and it feels like yesterday. I am beside myself. I met someone yesterday who I know very well - and couldnt remember their name........I am losing things for no apparent reason......and taking a shower in the morning is something I have to force myself to do. My house is covered in the plants that were sent to the service - I am surrounded by cards I have yet to acknowledge - and people all around me are smiling everywhere I look. Phone calls have all but stopped - but when they do come, I dont want to hear "how are you" any more. I dont want "what can I do" one more time. The only thing anyone can do, they cant do - and the only thing I want - they cant give me. How ungrateful is that..........they dont know, they are trying. I just cannot come to grips with him never walking in the door and saying "hallo dear"; never getting up from his chair and meeting me at the front door saying "hallo dear, I have missed you so much". There is no him anymore and I am so broken.
There are no flashing lights in my house, no candles going out of their own accord, no dreams of him, no mysterious happenings - is there really an afterlife - is he really with me? I talk to him all the time - outloud. He never answers.
Angela

Angela, I am hurting so much for you right now, because I know exactly how you feel. Please try not to give up. I know it's hard. It's been 14 months for me and sometimes remembering to breathe is still an effort. My days are still automatic. There's no joy, and if I think of the future, any future, I see nothing. It's still too painful. I can't even go past the men's department in Sears or Wal-Marts without wanting to burst into tears. Grocery shopping is almost a thing of the past for me. I go in, get the milk, cereal, dog food, whatever I need for that exact moment and leave. I keep expecting to run into my husband there we did it so many times when he was alive. I don't know if it ever goes away of expecting them to come home from work. You're not going crazy forgetting things. It's part of the process. Today I was talking to my son-in-law and couldn't remember "woodchipper". I had to describe what I wanted to do with some of the fallen tree branches (chop them up) and I couldn't remember the name of the stupid machine "woodchipper." I get so frustrated at times it's unreal. I've had to start writing myself notes I'm still so forgetful. One morning, I got half way to work before I remembered I hadn't let the dog out for her morning run in the yard and had to turn around. I double-check and triple-check to make sure I've unplugged the iron before I go to work. I'm going to give you the same advice my doctor gave me when I told him I couldn't concentrate, I had no interest in anything, and just doing the smallest things were so overwelming to me--he said write down everything you think you need to do, one at a time, and put it in a bowl, box, whatever. Be sure to include doing some fun stuff too. Then, pull out one thing a day and do just that one thing. I felt at times I was going to be swallowed up with all the things I needed to do after my husband died what with probate, filing for life insurance, paying bills, making arrangements, continuing with repairs to the house, learning how to use his riding lawn mower, taking care of car repairs on my own, etc. Suddenly I felt so helpless, so unsure of things, so unprepared to do the things my husband always did. I, also haven't had any dreams of my husband and I've asked him and God nightly for some small sign, something so I could just hang onto the idea that he was still with me, in spirit if not in body. But, nothing. I will tell you that whenever I think of my husband I get a small chill up my back now up to the top of my head and I've started telling myself it's Eddy, giving me a hug to keep me safe. Maybe it's all in my mind, but I don't care. It gives me some comfort. I, too, miss my husband so much it's almost unbearable. And that horrible day he passed is as bright to me today and if it happened just yesterday. I will NEVER forget that day. Sometimes I want to just scream at the unfairness of it all. And I get so mad sometimes when I see couples, people smiling and laughing and having a good time when I feel so miserable. But that's part of the grieving process too. After a year I found a grief support group in my area that lasted for 8 weeks, going one night a week. I just finished it. I don't know if its helped me or not. But the minister presiding over it told me the last night he didn't see me as angry as I'd been when I first started, so maybe it did help. I've only slept in our bedroom twice in 14 months. The couch has become my best friend. I don't sleep well at night, and let me tell you, there's nothing good on TV late at night. I also talk to my husband daily. He's the first thing on my mind when I get up and the last when I lay down. There are so many days I need to be held by him. And I'm sure people driving past me in their car must think I'm nuts because I'm talking to air and most of the time crying. For months I slept with his ball cap he always wore because it smelled like him. Your grieving process is going to hurt like hell! But, we're here for you. We all know what you're going through. I'm told it will get easier--I'm still waiting for that to happen for me. Don't take things too quickly, do what you can for the moment, and just take one day at a time. You're in my thoughts and prayers. Gayle

March 13, 2005

In two days, it will be the second month anniversary of the death of the love of my life, my fiance and my best friend. Terry died of a massive seizure/aneurism on January 16th while on the telephone with me. At the time, I was out of town with family, but somehow I had the wherewithall to get online, find the local number for rescue and send them to him. He was too far gone to revive him. In the day and a half that it took me to get a flight back to him, his family and exwife cremated him and planned his Memorial Service without any input from me. And to make matters worse, when I arrived at the airport what would normally take an hour and a half to travel to the funeral home took five because of a snow storm. I missed his Memorial service. And though I know that he knows I tried my hardest to get to his Memorial service, I still feel like I didn\'t have the opportunity to experience the closure that the service would bring.

Since his death, I have thrown myself into my work, making that my lifeline. As I work in an extremely high pressured firm supporting its directors, I have found that my grief is manifesting as extreme anxiety. Though I am well versed in meditation and connection with my understanding of God/Universe, I haven\'t been able to escape through meditation this nagging fear of losing my livelihood, my home, etc. The fear is overwhelming and the anxiety is so intense that I can\'t seem to escape it. Even though I have heard that anxiety is a natural expression of grief, it doesn\'t seem to help me wait out the storms of fear.

I know that my fear and anxiety is a cover for my grief, shielding me from the white-hot pain of loss. However, even knowing that it will ease isn\'t a salve for me right now.

I miss him so. I feel as if my innards have been scooped out and I\'m left with a gapping hole in my gut. This is my first time to post, and I appreciate the opportunity to air my experience. No, actually, I think I\'ve just spewed what has been building up inside of me. Thank you for reading.

March 13, 2005

To Everyone,

I am so sorry for everyone's loss here!

Awenlefey, it sounds like his family and ex-wife are bad people...why in the world would they leave you out like that? That is horrible. I'll never know or understand why people act like that...I am so sorry as I can imagine it adds tremendous pain to an already difficult situation. You are still in the early stages of your grieving...truthfully, I can't believe that I am sitting here telling you that and I going thru the same thing...it is so surreal! It has been 10 months for me on Wed. that I lost my husband. I can't explain it....it comes and goes in many different forms. It has been the most difficult year of my life. I am truely lost. I constantly ask my husband how can I go on without you? I am plagued with anxiety and try to manage it by walking, talking, etc. I take benadrl to sleep at night otherwise there would be no sleep. I try to take it one day at a time. It's the only way! My heart flutters. Mostly, I am just so very sad without him...I loved him so much and we were everything to one another. I'm sure everyone here can relate to that. I know what you all are feeling and going thru. Saturday nights are probally the roughest for me. I will be planning our 1 year anniversary in 8 weeks???? Any suggestions? I asked my 3 kids what they thought...I suggested to them that on May 16th we would all be together as a family and each of us can write on a helium balloon a message to their dad and we will be together to pray and let them go...???? I'm open for any suggestions!

I hope everyone here is getting along today and know you are all in my thoughts daily with many blessing sent your way.

Laura

March 13, 2005

Everyone - thank you so much for your support; the only time I come close to feeling better is when I read of others in the same, or worse grief than I am. Thank you all for bearing your souls!

Laura - this is for you and your upcoming anniversary...........you asked for our thoughts. I have found some comfort in keeping a journal. Every day I write in it, sometimes two and three times. I talk to Mike and I ask him things that only he would know to tell me - I recall my thoughts of him to the best of my ability; especially since I am so forgetful. I am TERRIFIED of forgetting one single thing about him - so I write it down and know my memories are forever somewhere I can go back to. It also helps me to be able to share my secrets with him still; my journal goes everywhere with me and sometimes when I am driving and think of something I want to tell him - I pull over and write. I think, if it were me, I would maybe find comfort in writing to my Husband and attaching it to a balloon and letting the wind take it to him........that's my thought and I hope it helps and I will be thinking of you.

Awenlefey, how very selfish of your fiance's family not to include you; and how much pain you must be in - I am so sorry. I cannot imagine what possess's people to act in such ways, when at a time of such great loss, we all need each other so very much. Take comfort from knowing that you were his love - no matter what anyone says or does.

The 15th of March will be one month since my dear Mike left me. I search my soul for answers. I am lost, alone, sad, broken, in dispair and don't know where to turn. Each day dawns like the last. I long for nightfall when everyone is in their own house and I can shrink into the shadow of darkness in mine. I dread going out - and can't wait to get back home. I have so many things I need to do - yet find myself wandering from task to task aimlessly. The thought of going back to a very demanding job makes me throw up and my knees literally tremble at the thought.

My Husband was 54 years young - had just had a physical, was responsible about his health - and now he is gone. I just can't believe it. I am still looking for him every day, all day and am thinking very seriously of going to a spiritualist church nearby. Does anyone have any thoughts about this? I would appreciate it if you would let me know what you think.

In the meantime, my Love, thoughts and prayers to all of you as you each climb your own, very personal mountain of sorrow.

Angela

March 13, 2005

Hello everyone-

I havent been on for awhile. I missed you all. I have been trying to catch up with the posts. First I want to address the wedding ring issue- At the hospital when they gave me his plastic bag of personal items the first thing I did was find his wedding band and I placed it on my finger. It has not been removed and I do not see it going anywhere. It is mine now. It is something he never took off. I will leave it to my stepson when I go to join my husband. My stepdaughter wants mine. They are 10 & 13 and we discussed this. Our relationship keeps getting closer. We need each other more than ever before and we are having our date night each week. It is a wonderful thing to have them because they each have his wonderful qualities. As for grocery shopping after three months it is still heartbreaking. I HATE IT. It is one of the most painful things. I too am going to go to a spiritualist church as soon as my hypnotherapy classes end as they are on sunday. I believe in the other side and I am having some problems because my husband is not giving me any obvious signs that he is around. I think there was some at first but not now. I miss him so much. But I have to believe there is a reason for this that I just cannot understand. I KNOW I WILL BE WITH HIM AGAIN. In the afterlife and when we come back here again. (I believe in reincarnation)I am going to see Sylvia Browne next week and she is having another psychic with her that will be doing random readings. What a gift if he came through. There was much unfinished business there and I think that it would help me to cope to know he is listening to me when I talk to him. I am doing much better. I am getting through the days pretty well. I am by nature someone who can bounce out of things when I have to. I may be in denial. That is a good probability. I think whatever works right now to survive this. It is the most difficult pain to deal with. I tell myself that my son and my husband are together now. Getting to know each other in heaven. I am at the 12 1/2 wk mark. Still early into this process. I hope that I can learn from this and be able to help others through this. There has to be a reason for this hard, hard lesson I am trying to learn. I have changed in so many ways. I am sorry that I cannot remember the ladies name that lost her fiance and then had the family and EX-WIFE decide on his arrangements and then not even make sure she was there. THAT IS JUST THE CRUELEST thing I can think of. I feel so saddened that you have to lose your love and then have them disrespect you and your grief in such a way. My heart hurts for you. I will be thinking of you all.

Neva

March 13, 2005

Angelam and everyone,

I would 100% reccommend for you to find and go to a Spiritual Church. I can truthfully say it has given me so much strength. I view myself more spiritual than religious. I actually met a really beautiful medium also and had a reading with her...she told me things about my husband that she would never had known so that validated for me that my husband is walking and not sick anymore. Also, everytime I have gone to the church I have been chosen for a reading randomly (4 times) and each time by a different medium I received a reading and they all have told me that there was a fairly young man standing behind me with his arms wrapped around me. They told me he passed before his time, how much he is with me and how much he loves me, how proud he was of the way we as a family are handling things as we move on...and so much more. I can honestly say if I hadn't read about the "afterlife" and done these things I wouldn't have been able to move forward. Do you homework and be careful as there are quacks in all walks of life. I waited and read and checked everything out and moved forward with things felt right for me and I was ready. I found beautiful people and a most beautiful service. I am drawn to go there at times as if my husband is summoning me????? And, then I go and I am always glad. It sort of puts gas in my tank. I read Lessons from the Light by George Anderson and that helped as others give their stories like our...somehow you don't feel so alone. And, as we all know here it is so lonely! If I can help you or anyone else here in any way please ask and I'll do my best.

Thanks for your suggestion for the balloons.

Laura

March 14, 2005

Hi everyone,

this is my first time on the site.I lost my husband Louie 3 months it'll be 4 on March 17. he was sick a diabetic with a lot of problems. But his dealth was sudden a massive heart attack in his sleep my son and I found him it was awful I miss him So.

March 14, 2005

LAURRA...I THINK THAT THE BALLOON IDEA IS SUPER! THAT IS WHAT MY GIRLS AND I DO ON HOLIDAYS AND ALSO THAT IS WHAT WE DID FOR THE 1 YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF HIS DEATH. I ALSO HAVE DECORATED HIS GRAVE WITH FLOWERS AND ALSO LITTLE ITEMS FOR EACH HOLIDAY. NOW I HAVE EASTER THINGS ON IT FOR EASTER. MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU ALWAYS BUT THEY WILL BE WITH YOU AND YOUR FAMILY ESPECIALLY ON THIS DAY. I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DEALING WITH AND ALSO FEELING. STAY STRONG AND TRUST IN GOD. TAKE CARE. SUE

March 14, 2005

Buzzygirl,

You have come to the right place. When I lost my husband five years ago I found this site and it helped me so much. I thought I was losing my mind with grief and I actually went to the doctor with heart pains which he told me was grief.

My step-son just had a baby boy and named him after my husband. It just brought tears to my eyes that my husband isn't physically here to brag about his first grandchild. I looked up to the sky and say, how about that Craig? And then "our song" came on the radio. Funny how they send us messages.

My husband did come to me when he first died. He appeared at the foot of my bed one night with my father and grandmother who had both died, I smelled his cologne in the house and once the air changed around me and our dog who was sound asleep and snoring suddenly lifted his head up to the ceiling. When the air changed again the dog went right back to sleep, snoring away.

Sadly, a few months after my husband died, our dog went to join him. At first I was so angry at my husband but then I realized he needed the dog more than me. And I used to bring the dog over to visit my father when he was dying of cancer and my dad would just smile from ear to ear watching the antics of a puppy.

We had another dog and I went and rescued a dog from the shelter. One night I was having an energy healing and had said nothing to this woman about my dogs. She said that I have a dog which is black but has the personality of a yellow dog I had. That the yellow dog was with my husband. And that the yellow dog communicated to my black dog how to make mommy smile. She said so many things that just totally blew me away.

I wish you luck with your reading with Sylvia. She is an awesome person.

March 15, 2005

Buzzygirl,

I am sorry for your loss. Welcome to this site and know that you can keep writing and we will all support you here as we know what you are going thru. I lost my husband 10 months ago and it is so hard. Take each day at a time and take special care of yourself concentrating first on getting sleep. Do whatever you can to feel better. I read alot about the "afterlife" and got alot of reassurance that my husband's spirit is alive and he is well. I fight anxiety on a daily basis and try to manage that the best I can. Just going to the grocery store can be a test for me. It is just so hard being around other people that I prefer to stay alone. So, I have to be careful not to get over isolated. I do have a dear friend that I talk to everyday. I talked with another friend of mine today (a guy) and I asked him what people think and where does everybody go after the funeral...he said, nobody knows what to say because I'm a "young widow". It hurts that noone calls or comes over but I just think my situation hit close to home and it quite literally scared the witts out of everyone...They think it could happen to them and probally are so relieved it didn't. How does the saying go...There by the grace of god go I. I don't think people know how hurtful it is that they act like everything is normal for me and my family. That in itself is isolating...Therefore it is extremely lonely. I hope you keep writing to all here and we will help lift you.

Laura

March 15, 2005

Buzzygirl - Welcome and I am so sorry for your loss, for my loss and for everyone's loss here on this site.

Please remember that of all the people you meet - we probably know more about how you feel than most - and nothing you say can shock or surprise us.

The pain is the most awful I could ever begin to describe - the loss is like nothing I can put into words; and as for me - I feel as though I am constantly "waiting" - if that makes any sense.

Clearly - everyone cares on this site - so make good use of us. Sometimes we may be more personally supportive of you, than others - but above all else - don't feel alone....because you are not. We all need each other. We share our days with each other.

My thoughts and prayers are with everyone. This is the most cruelest of all sadnesses and I don't understand it for one moment. I dont know if I will EVER be of any use to anyone again - I feel as though my very insides have been ripped out - just as you do. And like Laura, I am much happier when I am at home - it is my one safe haven; even though I know that I could very easily and happily 'hermitize'......that is not good either.

Just tonight, my sister called and asked how I was. (Today is the one month anniversary of my dear Mike dieing.) So I told her. I told her that I was dieing myself inside; I was crushed; I felt hopeless, I felt destroyed, I felt ........like I was "waiting". Her response was silence - she didnt know what to say - and who would.

I walk around this big beautiful house that Mike loved so much, with him under my arm in his casket. I take him to bed with me and cuddle him - I talk to him......sometimes I wonder if I am going completely insane - in the true sense of the word. And who knows - maybe I am. But who cares - for right now, it gets me from one day to the next. I think a therapist might say that it is my survival mechanism.

As for me - I am just so grateful to be able to post on this sight and know without a shadow of a doubt that none of you will do anything other than support my efforts just to get up in the morning and face a new day. For that I am so indebted.

My love to you all - for indeed, you have given me a place to go where I can bear my very soul and you all understand.

Good night and may God Bless you.

Angela

March 15, 2005

Angelam and Everyone here,

One thing you won't hear me say is that my husband died. I say, he "passed on" and that helps me to know in my heart that he is still spiritually alive...he is just on another level. He is with me. I feel him. I know he hears me. I know he is watching over me and the kids. His worst suffering, and boy did he suffer, was the thought of leaving us. I cry everyday knowing that. I can see his unbelievably blue eyes and it pierces me thru my stomach. Sometime, I just have to consciously numb myself to stop thinking about him or I feel I could just go crazy. So everyone, please try and really believe that your lovers just "PASSED ON" and we "WILL" be with them again. I believe in my heart that when they "passed on" it was a peaceful time for them. If they had pain I think they didn't feel it when they made their journey...and to see who all was waiting for them must of been so reassuring and beautiful for them. I know how much pain everyone here is going thru and I wish I had the power to take it all away. When our love ones leave us it is one thing we can't fix and the hardest to accept. That is enough to just send us flying. God bless you all and know your in my heart daily.

Laura

March 15, 2005

Lauraa,

Thank you!

I try so hard all the time to believe that Mike is with me. I want him to be SO much and I sometimes believe I may be hearing him in my head - and then I worry that I imagine it.

To say that he has 'passed on' makes sense to me and sounds so much more hopeful. Thank you for sharing that - it brings be comfort.

Goodnight - and thank you again.

Angela

March 16, 2005

It's been a few days since I've posted. I've had strep since last friday and it hasn't been fun. Brad always took care of me when I was sick and this is the first time I've been sick, sick with the exception of grieving. I've had so many things going through my head lately that I think Im causing myself to have bad dreams. The other night I had a dream that I was in a restaurant and I saw him and I was trying to talk to him and tell him who he was and where he was supposed to be and he just stood there staring at me like I was crazy. Where does that come from? I feel like Im forgetting him. I haven't talked to him in a dream or seen him in a long time when I'm sleeping, so maybe that is where I'm getting it from. I don't know, I'm just so unhappy and so confused on what I want to do and where I want to go at this point that I want to scream. I wasn't supposed to have to do this without him and now Im making a world of decisions I don't know if he'd be proud of or not. I miss him so much and Im having such a hard time right now. My computer desk is right next to where I found him that morning and living here is getting harder and harder. I get afraid that I'll find him everytime I come in the basement and can picture exactly how I found him. I don't know, it's so hard right now and I just want things to get easier.

March 16, 2005

Angelam,

Get the book HELLO FROM HEAVEN by Judy And Bill Guggenheim and read about the after death communications that people have experienced. I think that is a start for you to realize that we/you are not going crazy. After my father "passed" he came back to his sister in her home...she said he was standing in the doorway by her bathroom and he looked just like he always did. He then sat down on her bed and she held his hand and kissed it and he said he had a message for one of my brothers and then he left. My dad died 6 months before my husband but he also came thru to him. My husband said he also looked like he always did before he got sick and his message to him was keep fighting and don't give up. My husband or my aunt would never ever make these stories up as they know how close I was to my dad and they are the sanist people I know. It gave me so much reassurance that they are o.k. I had a reading by a medium and my husband came thru (she did not know anything about me)and let me know he was o.k. And at the Spiritual Church he came thru many times and it's the same messages. And, this summer my husband's face appeared in our bedroom window...I wasn't looking for it but when I sat down and looked to the window he appeared suddenly for about 5 seconds and then left. My daughter look pictures in the wooded area outside our home and after my husband "passed" we were looking at them and my husband was in two of those pictures...he wasn't in the pictures at all when she took them. There are lots of things that will happen that will help give you strength along the way. I had a dream early on after my husband "passed" and he was standing beside me at his own funeral looking at his casket with me and he said, "I am not there". That was so powerful for me!...He was trying to tell me he is o.k. The grieving still happens and it doesn't stop but I think we have to feel everything thoroughly in order to heal. I will always hold him close to my heart/soul........Keep talking!

Laura

March 16, 2005

Welcome all those new to the site. I can promise you this site has helped me more than anything with dealing with the loss of my wife. She was 25 and passed two weeks after our little girl was born in July. August 6th was the day she passed… Our two year wedding anniversary was August 3rd. I am coming up on 7 and a half months without her and have really hit a snag. I was out of work the entire month of September and not able to move, clean, do anything. Without my family, I don’t think I would have made it through. But recently I have fallen back into that deep dark hole again. I couldn’t get up out of the bed except to take care of our daughter Madison. I called out of work all week. 6 days in a row to be exact. I came back because grades were due that day and I’m just here now going through the motions. I’m a teacher and I know I’m not giving my kids all there is to give… but I don’t have anything to give right now. I feel so empty and just want to shut myself in my house and NEVER come out. Never talk to anyone and never do anything. If I could only win the lottery… then I wouldn’t have to work. Rikki and I always said we loved teaching and that even if something like that happened we would continue teaching… I don’t love it anymore… I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want to teach, but that is what I do. That is what I’m good at. I’m struggling a lot lately and I finally realized that I needed help. I called our EAP this morning and set up an appointment to see a therapist. Just to do some “grief counseling.”

Last night, I had a meeting for a state teaching conference I’m presenting in. The meeting was with three girls that I attended my teaching classes with. They are all engaged or married and when we had meetings like that I would pick up my cell and call Rikki to let her know I was on my way home. Last night I got in the car and dialed her cell phone without thinking about it and her voice mail came up. I cried so hard I almost had to pull the car over. I miss her so much and I would do anything to be with her again. I know eventually I will be with her, but eventually isn’t soon enough. She should be here with me to see Madison crawl and her first teeth… She should be here for her daughter to say “Mommy” to her… not her picture on my dresser and walls. It just isn’t right. I’ve gone back to wearing my wedding band on my left hand because it makes me feel like I did before she was gone. I can at least function that way. Despite the pain when I see it and I realize that her rings are in my jewelry box and not on her hand in a Kindergarten class somewhere. The pain is unbearable.

For those that are new here. Again welcome, express your feelings and emotions here. Because WE DO know how you are feeling. We all have different experiences and come from different walks of life and are of different ages… But we are the same in our pain and our grief. I’m going to put the lyrics to a song that I had sung at my wife’s memorial service. I hope it helps you get through today… Because that is all we CAN do… Take one step at a time and one day at a time.

IF YOU COULD SEE ME NOW

(Kim Noblitt)

Our prayers have all been answered. I finally arrived.

The healing that had been delayed has now been realized.

No one's in a hurry. There's no schedule to keep.

We're all enjoying Jesus, just sitting at His feet.

Cho: If you could see me now, I'm walking streets of gold.

If you could see me now, I'm standing strong and whole.

If you could see me now, you'd know I've seen His face.

If you could see me now, you'd know the pain is erased.

You wouldn't want me to ever leave this place,

If you could only see me now.

My light and temporary trials have worked out for my good,

To know it brought Him glory when I misunderstood.

Though we've had our sorrows, they can never compare.

What Jesus has in store for us, no language can share.

Cho: If you could see me now, I'm walking streets of gold.

If you could see me now, I'm standing strong and whole.

If you could see me now, you'd know I've seen His face.

If you could see me now, you'd know the pain is erased.

You wouldn't want me to ever leave this place,

If you could only see me now.

Cho: If you could see me now, I'm walking streets of gold.

If you could see me now, I'm standing strong and whole.

If you could see me now, you'd know I've seen His face.

If you could see me now, you'd know the pain is erased.

You wouldn't want me to ever leave this place,

If you could only see me now.

You wouldn't want me to ever leave this perfect place

If you could only see me now

If you could see me now

If you could only see me now

You are all in my thoughts and prayers

Chris

March 16, 2005

Chris,

Thank you so much for sharing. It is amazing how much it helps not only you but everyone else to hear your words. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope that things get easier for you.

Take Care,

Julie

March 16, 2005

Chris,

We are all here with you here, always remember that! I go for counseling once every week and it has helped me tremendously...it's a place where you can let it all out and it is safe. Make sure it is a therapist you like and don't get discouraged if the first one isn't the one. My therapist has been widowed twice and married now for the third time. She knows what I'm going thru...and that really helps me to know and not feel so alone. I thought maybe you were really down as you haven't posted in awhile but please know your in my thoughts and prayers along with Madison. I have been down alot lately, too. I just flat out miss everything about my husband. I don't think I will ever accept that he is really gone....I think the anger is the scarey emotion we have to deal with and if we don't deal with it properly it is pushed down deep and/or turns into anxiety....that's another reason why a therapist is good...it's great support and you feel it's o.k., no matter what it is your feeling. We are all going to be o.k. It just hurts like hell....Keep talking.

Laura

March 16, 2005

I am on 2 weeks leave at this time, and at home, since I didn't plan to go anywhere. I'm miserable. I've done nothing but cry day and night. I got myself so worked up yesterday that I called my doctor's office and left a message for a perscription refill for Xanax. I feel like I'm coming apart. When it had reached the 6th month mark, I had 2 medium phone readings. I was so impressed, 8 months later, I again had another phone reading. I'm certain my husband came through both times, and this last time was nothing but a profession of love for me. But I'm really having a hard time right now. I've asked my husband and God every night for 14 months now to let me have some sort of a sign directly from my husband, a dream, anything so I'd personally know he was okay, still thinking of us, and still loving me. But nothing. I recently purchased a meditation tape to try and help. I've read and continue to read almost every published book I can get my hands on about afterlife. I just finished up an 8 week course, going one night a week, with a grief support group. I don't think I'm any better. In fact, I think I'm worse. I don't want to do anything or go anywhere. I have to really keep a hold of my emotions at work because I feel like I'm going to burst into tears any moment or the people are plain making me mad. If one more person tells me it's time to move on I'm going to slap them! I still wear my wedding rings. I still feel married. I want my husband here. Monday through Wednesday I worked in the yard making a kinda memorial area of flowers for my husband. He loved working in the yard. I'm continually telling him "only for you my love would I be doing this" because I don't like working in the yard. In May I'll be 54 and I'm here to tell you every part of my body is aching from tilling, weeding and planting. My 9-year-old granddaughter helped plant and was too cute when she'd see me struggling to get up a root saying "now memaw, I don't want you to hurt yourself, let me do it." Last night and today I don't feel well, and I think I'm really in the pity pot since nothing made me feel more protected than to feel sick and have my husband cover me up with a blanket on the couch and turn down the lights and tell me not to worry about anything, he'd take care of dinner. I'm looking around my house and it's hit me that I'm having a really hard time keeping things together. There's just me and a couple of times during the week my granddaughter's here with me in the evenings while her mom goes to night classes. You'd think I'd be as neat as a pin. But I wash and fold the clothes and leave them sitting on the diningroom table. I've cleaned out my kitchen cabinets so many times I've lost count, but to look at my kitchen now you'd think "my gosh Gayle, what's going on?" I pick up the mail and just sit it on the counter. I bet I've got a month's worth of junk mail just laying around. I cleaned out my sewing room by moving the stuff to the bedroom. Now I can't get in my bedroom. Doesn't matter anyways, I've slept on the couch downstairs for 14 months. This isn't me. I feel like I'm totally losing it. I'm a Gemini and always feel like I've got a face on at work and another for when I come home. I just want to stay in my house and keep the world out. I am making an effort to take my granddaughter to the movies on the weekend or to the mall so I don't become a hermit, but I feel absolutely no joy. It wasn't supposed to be like this! I'm just blowing off steam I know and feeling sorry for myself and I know I have to get a handle on this but it seems to be getting harder instead of easier. Anyways, thanks for listening. Maybe I just needed to vent. Gayle

March 16, 2005

laura, angelam and everyone else,

once again i have to say i'am so glad to have found this site-reading your posts have helped me thru this. i have been going thru a wave of emotions this week. i'am still finding it difficult to accept that dave is gone. i miss his sweet smile, the way he would call me baby, his sweet kiss, his warm embrace, talking with him, laughing with him. hell, i just MISS HIM PERIOD.

lauraa, i have read a few books on the afterlife and right now i have on order hello from heaven. they really have helped me to understand how our love ones are still with us and that the signs i have been seeing are real and that they are his way of showing me that he is okay and that he is still with me. i would like to go to a medium but i haven't found one in my area yet that i could trust.

i have been going to grief classes, this thursday is my last one. i guess it has helped me. atleast i know that what i'am feeling is normal. normal?? i don't think i will ever know what that is again..

dave and i met in aug. of 2000. there was an instant connection between us from the start..six months into a relationship i knew i had found my soulmate.( i knew he had felt the same way.)dave was everything i wanted and needed in my life. he was the most loving and caring person i had ever met. a beautiful person with a beautiful soul. he was my best friend. in 2002 we had zachary- dave never felt like he had only one child but he had four ( i have three of my own) we were a family. i think this is why i'am having such a hard time understanding all of it..why would GOD bring us together only to have him taken away..the hardest part to swallow is the fact there was no apperant reason for this to have happened. a piece of me died with him that day..my heart, soul and life are so empty..i feel like my life has no meaning or purpose anymore..i'am sorry for going on and on but this weekend was the two month mark since he past away and i feel like it was only yesterday... always in my thoughts and prayers

kim

March 16, 2005

Dear Kim and Gayle,

Someone told me that it takes a year of grieving for every decade that you are with your significant other. That means it will take me four years before I feel better???? It's a slow torture! I truely can relate to everything everyone writes here...we all feel the same. It's amazing how people think we are 0.k. when we hit our 6 month marker. That's why I stay completely away from most situation. If I do go somewhere I have tunnel vision...and do what I need to do in order to get thru...If I have lunch or dinner with a close friend I just stay right there focused with them and that is it. I do find myself looking at strangers or people I know and wonder when their time like this will come or I wonder what has happened tragicly in that persons life and if they have had any losses like mine. I do think of all the 9/11 victims and all the thousands of people who lost loved ones and the tsunami victims (who they say the death toll is up to 300,000 now)are feeling and I think of hundreds of thousands of people who are feeling the same as us. I don't understand? I think I am really mad at god right now and it is extremely uncomfortable for me. I can feel myself numbing when I think of how I feel. I need to love god but I so angry. I don't know how to accept this and I don't know if I can possible feel the love I once had for life....I just don't understand why there has to be so much pain and suffering....Do we have to go thru that in order to have eternal bliss?????? Do we have to feel what Jesus felt in order to have that???? So many questions????? I just don't know. Anybody have any advice for me on that I would appreciate your input. I know about wearing that mask, messy house, not being able to make decisions like I once did, anziety, sleeplessness, disappointments, lonliness, etc. But, I'm not alone when I come here...............Everyone, take care.

Laura

March 16, 2005

Laura,

I have learned over the years that as much as I don't like it, there is no understanding why things happen. As much as I don't like it, it is not for me to know. It is never easy for me to accept that in times of pain, but I am trying to learn to accept it.

I recommend reading an article I read from Joyce Meyer. It helps me in times of grief and struggle. Go to this page http://www.joycemeyer.org and go to the Help for the Hurting Section and click on the article Overcoming Grief and Lonliness. I hope this helps.

Most Sincerely,

Julie

March 16, 2005

Hallo everyone,

I just need you all to know how much I appreciate reading these postings. From thinking I was so alone and going crazy - I now know that I am just a part of a wonderful caring group of people. Many of whom (maybe all of whom) I may never meet. Thank you all dear friends.

Today I smiled. I was trying to heave a very heavy box into the attic - something that Mike would normally do - and I suddenly realized how funny I probably looked awkwardly positioning this large box half on my shoulder and half off........and smiled. Needless to say, I soon thereafter cried. My poor dear Mike, who would have taken the box up the silly stairs to the attic isnt here and I miss him so.

I know all about leaving piles of mail on the counter. Were it not for my daughter coming over every couple of days and rooting around - I too would be in a huge mess. I have piles of 'stuff' everywhere that I just cannot bring myself to do anything with.

But tonight I want to tell you a story - and I apologize if it goes on a bit.

My Michael was a businessman. He was in corporate security for over 25 years and most recently held the highest security level in homeland security and all of those other things that go a long way towards protecting this country. He was very astute and had some very specific thoughts around such things as paying taxes and bills on time. i.e., Pay your taxes proudly - but dont pay more that you need. Pay your bills on time - but not before time. etc., etc. Me on the other hand - travelled a lot on business and payed my bills one month ahead of time always so that I have a cushion in the event I get stucksomewhere and didnt get the mail on time. (This story really is going somewhere - I promise).

So. I finally faced my Michaels bills tonight. Despite everything I have ever known him to do - he had paid all of the bills forward through the end of April! My Michael passed away on February 15, so for him to do this would have been so out of character and against everything I have ever known him to do. So what happened here I ask myself; what was he thinking, what did he know?

I think I have mentioned before - Mike was not sick and had a physical the week prior to his passing. So what happened here. Surely it must be some sort of divine intervention I think.

I didnt mean to ramble - but I am just so in awe.

Thank you for listening.

Angela

March 18, 2005

So I'm just done. I don't want to feel this way anymore and I don't want to cry at the drop of the hat and I don't want him to be gone. Today has just been so hard and all I keep thinking about is how I'm never going to be able to lean on him for support. Everyone kept asking me "what's wrong?" and "are you okay?" and I just want to scream. I just keep wondering if anything is ever going to be alright again. Nothing will ever be normal and that's what I hate. Everything I do for Brady is wrong and if I leave and go be with my mom I'm wrong and I'm just to the point where I don't care anymore. I don't know what the future holds, but without Brad it just doesn't seem to matter and I know I'm being selfish, but the one thing in life I counted on isn't here anymore and I hate that. I miss him so much and I want so much to believe he's here with me, but if he isn't here physically, then it's not much of a solice right now.

March 18, 2005

Everything I do for Brady is wrong and if I leave and go be with my mom I'm wrong and I'm just to the point where I don't care anymore. I don't know what the future holds, but without Brad it just doesn't seem to matter and I know I'm being selfish, but the one thing in life I counted on isn't here anymore and I hate that. I miss him so much and I want so much to believe he's here with me, but if he isn't here physically, then it's not much of a solice right now.

Jenmulloy, let me tell you just one thing--children don't come with an instruction manual, and you're learning to be a parent just like everyone else does--by trial and error. You do the best you can and pray to God that that's enough. AND--if you feel you need to move to be near your family--then DO IT! Okay--that was actually 2 things I told you (grin). Anyways, sweetheart, what I'm trying to say pretty much boils down to this--right now you need some type of stability, some sense of security, and a HUGE support system to help you get through all this. I'm wrestling with myself right now on whether to move to another state where my 2 sisters are, as well as my mother-in-law. But I have a good job where I am and I don't think I'd earn the same amount moving. Plus my daughter and granddaughter are here. Although my daughter has said "if you move, you might as well look for me, Jim, and Victoria to be superglued to your butt, because we'll come too" I can't ask them to uproot themselves. I understand the turmoil you're going through! But, in the end, YOU are the ONLY ONE who can make decisions now about you and Brady. Not your mom, not your family, not your husband's mom or family--YOU. When you sit down in the quietness of the night and talk with your husband out loud and tell him of all your fears and concerns and you're asking for his advice, after you've called out to God to just let you know what you're supposed to do, what does your heart tell you to do? Listen--our husbands didn't marry any dummies! You've got a good head on your shoulders! You can do anything you set your mind to. I can give you the lip service of "try not to give up", "you've got to move on", etc, and I say lip service only because I'm the last person to be saying those things to you since I'm still crying each day and trying to still come to terms with it all myself. In the end, you're it and NO ONE can make you do ANYTHING you don't want to do! You become that mountain lioness taking care of her cub. You're scared right now, but I believe you can do it. Gayle

March 18, 2005

Hello Everyone,

Just sitting here reading everyone's post and wondering when we will ever feel better. How can we overcome this horrible grief? When will we gain our love for life again? We are all tough individuals otherwise we wouldn't have survived this. I know we all have different experiences but in the end we are united because we lost the ones we loved so dearly and feel totally alone in this world. That amazes me that we could feel that way even when we are surrounded by lots of people. I don't think I could ever love like that again...I think it only comes around once in a lifetime? I know I will never be the same. My husband had to of been the sweetest man I have ever known...really!He really was that kind of guy that every girl longs for. He would just out of the clear blue tell me that I was beautiful. He was patient and kind. He had a look in his eyes that was so pure and honest and sincere...I just have such profound saddness and lonliness without him...my heart aches everyday. I still wake up in the middle of the night and ask myself how can I go the rest of the way without you with me? It is a lonliness that is difficult to describe as I think you all here know. I am breathless alot when with my grieving. One day at a time I guess and one minute at a time. I hope you all have a half way decent day.

Laura

March 18, 2005

Jen,

I know how you feel. I have been struggling and wanting to hold Rikki and kiss her, hug her, to just run my fingertips over her soft skin the way I used to when I held her. It is so much to deal with not having the one person that really made your world. She would be sitting at the computer playing games or paying bills when I got home. Now, I come home and the house is empty and cold. Waking up and rolling over to say good morning and nobody being there. Having meetings and then calling her cell phone on accident and reality setting in. I played football at one of the most prestigious football programs in the state of Virginia. I played against some really big guys. This is more painful than anything I could ever think of or imagine.

I started therapy with the county EAP yesterday. The first question she asked me was to tell her about me. I started telling her what I knew about my life right now and about me… When I finished talking, I realized that what I had told her was totally opposite of me before I lost Rikki. I was always fun loving, playing, patient, relaxed, extroverted type of person… Now I just sit at home and never go out. I have friends that go to the grocery store for me so I don’t have to go. I come to work, teach, pick up Madison and go home. Never go out; never hang out, never meeting new people… She suggested that I look into anti-depressants. I’m not sure about that. I’ve seen all the posts from before when that came up… but I’m just not sure if that is for me. I don’t think I want to be happy. I can’t be happy without Rikki. Madison makes me smile and I put on my “happy face” with her and I love her more than life itself. But Rikki made ME happy. Seeing her smile and hearing her laugh made me smile. I will make my daughter happy and that is my goal in life now. She makes me smile and makes me happy… But it isn’t the same. I don’t think there is any hope for me now. I had my happiness for eight years and now I have nothing. I focus my energy and attention on Madison just so I can get up in the mornings and sometimes that doesn’t help.

Jenmulloy, just know you are not alone in your pain and hopelessness. Like Laura said, I can’t ever see this pain going away. I can’t stand to be alive without Rikki and without Madison being here with me, I think I would have died of a broken heart the day Rikki passed. As for everything being wrong? You are a parent, we live and learn how to do that. I’m trying to baby proof my house and as soon as I get one thing done she is two steps ahead of me. Its like she is laughing at me, I guess its Rikki’s way of playing a trick on me. Having her daughter get into any and everything I hadn’t thought of yet. Rikki would have known exactly what to do and when to do it. So I am learning on the fly too.

You are not alone… I will be thinking a praying for each of you.

Chris

March 18, 2005

Gayle

Thank you for your post. The past few days have been just completely and utterly awful. All I've wanted to do and have done is cried. It's not bad enough I have to do this by myself now, but it seems the more I struggle, the more there are people around to point out that I should be doing things differently and it's driving me crazy. I've tried so hard to let it just run off, but I get to the point I just want to scream. I was sick the past few days with strep and all my mother in law and niece kept saying was "I hope the kids don't get sick" like a broken record player. Then they'd leave the room and talk like I got sick on purpose. I talked to my mom about it and she keeps telling me to let it go, but all these little bitty comments add up and I can't help it sometimes.

Chris

I am going through my angry stages right now. Anytime somebody says that I need to try doing something "different" with Brady I want to hit them. I think I just need to beat the crap out of something to blow some steam off or something, cause I feel like I'm losing it. Mom tells me it's anxiety and it'll pass and I told her that this will never pass and it won't heal and that I just want to call it quits and be done with it. Then she started to cry and told me that I was the strongest person she knew and that I should look into prescription drugs if that's the way I really felt. I asked her if she thought I didn't have the right to feel cheated, angry and completely mad at the world and she said I did, but. There's always a but. But I can't blame God and I can't change fate. I can't change it, but it doesn't change the way I feel. It doesn't change that my 35 year old husband is buried and there are rapists and murderers and pieces of crap roaming free in this world and they took someone who everybody loved. But according to mom time will heal all my wounds and I'll be fine, I'll move on and have another family and someone will claim Brady as their own. HELLO!!!! I don't want that and I've told a million people that and they say it's just the way I feel now. I thought I was stubborn, but this is rediculous. I don't know, everyone who is supposed to be supporting me aren't doing such a swell job. I am thinking of all you and hope your days are going as well as can be expected. Take care.

Jen

March 20, 2005

Hi Everyone,

Boy, is this a depressing weekend for me! I just am! I think because it is spring and warmer and it's that feeling of renewal that comes with this time of year. And, I don't feel that way. I feel so grief stricken and sad. I just can't accept the fact that my husband is not with me anymore no matter how hard I try. My whole world changed in an instant. I just can't accept the fact that the person that I adored for so long and committed to with every fiber in my body is gone. I want him back! My children give me great joy but other than that I am struggling on a daily basis to love life again...and, that is so not like me. I feel like my heart has been ripped out. My battery is low! My faith has been shattered. There are peaks and valleys and right now I am in the valley. I know you all can understand and really I feel this is the only place besides my therapist (she is gone for a month) that I can let it all out. I feel like I just want to run away and never come back. I just want this pain to stop.

March 20, 2005

Hi Laura,

I totally understand. Winter was rough, the holidays were tough,

and every special day was miserable; but Spring, well this is

making me feel hopeless. My therapist told me that even losing

anything or anyone from here on in will be hard, whether they

or important in my life or just an acquaintance. Well, she

was right: My hospice therapist cancelled an appointment the

beginning of the month and I havent heard back from him (I

feel deserted); one of the vendors in the mall where my son

has his store left (I felt lonely); now another vendor is

leaving because she is going to get married--she was so

helpful in helping me pull myself together- I feel

abandoned; I couldnt get to church today for my palms -

I feel my religion passing;

I just cant lose anything or anyone else - I dont know if

I can take anymore.

My psychiatrist asked me if I am suicidial and my remark

back was, "I am in no hurry and besides, I dont have enough

courage to do that".

My Bob will wait for me, I know that. I just feel that

I am so lost now; why am I still here? What am I supposed

to be doing?

As you all know to well, all those unanswered questions.

That is what makes us feel like we are going crazy.

Next week will be 9 months, where has it gone? How did I

make is this far without Bob? I cant listen to music anymore

again; I feel as though I am right back 9 months ago.

My hurt is so strong again. And I am back to one minute,

one hour, one day at a time.

But I have to go on and I will; because like all of you,

I find my strength here with all of you.

God Bless

Joyce

March 21, 2005

Laura,

I am really feeling your pain right now. This week has been so awful and lonely I can't see straight. My mom keeps telling me not to come home because she feels it's because of emotions and not a sane decision. I am having an awful time here because I can't deal with his daughter. She walks all over me and her grandmother does nothing to stop it. Then I tell them I'm not emotionally strong enough to deal with all of this and they tell me I'm just looking for an excuse to leave and I'm using Brady as a weapon. All I want to do is scream. I'm so lost and confused and angry that I don't know what to do or where to turn. Living here I have nobody, the only person I ever had out here was Brad and now he's gone and he's left me with his family who could care less what happens to me. The only thing they are worried about is Brady, they've even made comments that they are worried about him because of my instability right now, but it wasn't meant to come out that way was the excuse I got when I confronted his mom with it. Things are getting worse and I don't know what to do. I don't want to make a decision I'll regret, but I can't stay here, I'm going absolutely crazy. The only thing that kills me is being so far away from the cemetary. I don't want to abandon Regi, but what am I supposed to do. I feel like I'm going crazy and I'm slowly destroying any sanity I have left worrying about all this. I don't know what to do, I'm so lost.

March 21, 2005

Jenmulloy, are you in a position that you can take a trip to your mom's with Brady for a visit? That'd at least get you out of the immedite surroundings of tension and might give you a breather to think in peace. It sounds to me like your husband's family are causing you additional anxiety and stress, and you really need some peaceful time right now. Remember, YOU are the mother of Brady, not your husband's family. By going for a visit, you'd be able to calm down some, get in different surroundings, and maybe get some things into perspective. You mention that you're concerned if you were to move you'd be away from the cemetary. The cemetary is just holding the shell of what was your loved one--the spirit that made him what he was is always going to be with you, wherever you are. You don't need to go to the cemetary to honor your husband's memory or to talk to him or be near him. Your pictures, your memories, some of the personal items of his you kept for yourself, are your memorial places that honor him. I understand, though your hesitation with moving away--I'm facing similar decisions--but I think, deep down, maybe we're afraid that if we move away it will be like that part of our lives never existed, and we don't want to lose any of it because it DID exist. Only YOU know what you can deal with OR put up with. YOU! You do what's right for you and Brady and to hell with everyone else! And don't you back down when it comes to Brady. He's YOURS and don't you let them forget it! Gayle

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