I Miss Him So...

[lauraa]

Nanny and everyone new here:

Everything you all write is as if I too could have written the same things.

In the beginning I was just numb and couldn't stop crying. I couldn't believe how many tears my could could and still does produce. I also felt as if I could just lay down and die. The exhaustion was overwhelming and still can be at times. I have learned to take it easier and make time for me to rest when I need to...but that could call for isolating myself. And, that is o.k. I have learned that I have isolated myself from others mostly because I felt people feeling uncomfortable to be with me and to talk about it and so they have isolated themselves from me. Seems in the end though that is my fault friendships have ended or distanced. How could anyone know what we feel when they haven't been thru it? They can't and so I stopped looking for support from them. I mostly keep it with my therapist. The rest of the time it is just mine....all of it. My heart actually palpitates since my husband passed. I am presently going thru a stage of just wanting to sleep and get thru the night without waking up. It's like getting thru the basics needs all over again. I miss my husband each and everyday and will till I die. No-one could ever take his place.

Missingmyhubby:

You are an inspiration to us all for moving on (not that the rest of us aren't). But, I am sure things are compounded for you in many ways. I know your first Mark will always be with you and your loss will always be deep. You are doing a great job and I thank you for sharing your journey with us.

We are a bunch of strong woman and I think that is why our husbands or partners chose us......

You all be good to yourselves, even for a moment. Your all in my thoughts each and everyday.

[Guest Guest]

Lauraa, What you wrote was nice and I can so relate to it all.

Lisa, We camped alot too and did those outdoors things. We also enjoyed airshows very much. Me Bill and the kids went to everyone we could. Wed get the schedule and pick them all out and we went on our journeys. Im so gonna miss that. The kids are to cause we always had a blast. We love planes. Bill loved planes. The last show we got to go to was in Virginia Beach this past september. We made a weekend out of in, (we are in NJ) and we had so much fun. We loved to hop in the car and just go. Thinking about doing any of it without him kills me. I dont think I could. I dont think the kids could... But maybe in time, we will be able to. Who knows. I was just looking at pictures and the slipers Bill had on when he died. It just breaks my heart. Today was such an emotional day for some reason. Some weird stuff happened to me too. Like I was in my bedroom and I was on my side of the bed nothing was on the floor, I changed my shirt, I turned to walk back out and there in front of me was a pair of bill's underwear on the floor. How did they get there??? that makes me smile.

anyways..

prayers to all of you

SUe

(justbroken)

[justamom]

Sue, i too felt like I would never want to or be able to do any of those things again. Then last May the big "Cub Scout" camp out came up. You are not allowed to send Cubs with other adults so it was "suck it up and go" or my boys wouldn't be able to do it. So I cried off and on for days dreading it .... It rained, it was cold I really didn't want to go but I MADE myself do it for my kids. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be and all of those other cub scout dads were so supportive of me and proud of me. And I knew that My husband would be proud of me too. Now I totally feel like I can do anything that I need to. It just takes some time and the first step is the hardest. It has been my experience that most of it doesn't end up being nearly as bad as I think it is going to be either. My husband leaves or moves things for me all of the time. More often in the beginning that now but I know he is still around when I need him. It always makes me smile too. Have a good sleep all of you. LIsa

[missinmyhubby]

Hi all,

To fill my time after Mark passed away, I just put one foot in front of the other and did what HAD to be done. I got kids off to school, I worked full time for the city (as I had taken a year off of flying for obvious reasons), I took kids to football/cheerleading/basketball/softball/baseball practices, and locked myself in my room on any spare time I had. I didn't even watch them practice though, I just sat there staring off into space doing the "had to's", and wishing I was in my bedroom. I wasn't able to stay in the apartment we shared together last, couldn't afford to move back to Florida where we met and started our life. Our house was already occupied with others, and being that I grounded myself from flying for awhile, I really had no job to go home too. So, I moved in with my parents, who later gave me the money to get my own place with the kids. He was buried in Wisconsin, so I couldn't even go sit by his graveside. The only place I had to retreat to was my bedroom, where I still had our bed, and my house that still had our belongings. My mother paid for the uhaul to get us from Michigan to Nevada, so at least I still had our things. So, I would finish off my day by going to my room, dressing in his clothes, and laying on our bed...and locking the rest of the world out, including my babies. I did what had to be done for the kids and the job all day long, and did what I needed for the rest. I couldn't bare to deal with too many people, as you all know...none of them understood a thing. They either looked at me with pity, or avoided us because our baggage was to much to help carry. I spent some time with my mother during that first nine months. She was the only person I really saw outside of the "have to" places. She may not have been able to relate, as she had never lost a spouse, but mom's are mom's and they are the best source of comfort when you just need a shoulder to cry on. She also took the kids for me on weekends, when I just couldn't do it anymore. That didn't happen often, as the kids were experiencing seperation anxiety whenever I was not around. I really don't know how I made it through those earlier days. I know they all seemed so dark, never ending, and painful as hell. I remember I had to use my cell phone to put everything into...appointments of any kind, scheduled activities for the kids, etc. Like for example...I had to set the alarm to take the kids to school, pick them up, when they had practices, when I had to pick them up....I just could not function, picking the baby up from daycare, etc. I literally had to put EVERYTHING in the cell phone scheduler. I couldn't remember anything!!!

Our house in Florida was right across the street from our best friends...Mary and Dano. We did EVERYTHING with this couple and their kids. After we moved up to Michigan, some people from our church took over our house. Brother Scott, who use to drive the bus and pick up our kids on Sundays for Sunday school, moved in with his wife and kids. Two years later when I did return to Florida, I pulled up to Mary and Dano's house to visit. Gosh, how I had missed them. But driving to their house about undid me again after all that time...no, it did undo me. It is so hard to try and explain on here, but I know most of you must know the feeling. I was okay until we pulled of I-95 to go to their house. Mark and I traveled that way home all the time. Before that, I was just looking around at all the sites I hadn't seen for some time, remembering what it was like to live there. But getting off the freeway and driving through the same streets took me to a place that hurt sooooo bad. The anxiety started building and just kept getting worse as we got closer and closer. I pulled up to Mary and Dano's with the most anxiety I have ever had in my life. I was not ready for any of this and I wanted to turn around and haul ass like I never had before. I pulled up and just sat staring at my house across the street with tears streaming down my face, my new husband in the seat beside me and my kids in the back. I didn't even realize they were all still there. I have felt his presence many of times since he passed, but none like I felt that day. So many memories came flooding back...here come the tears...but it is a good thing, because everytime I cry it helps the healing a little more...I could picture us all around the house at different times....it was like someone was playing a movie of our life there...I don't know exactly how long I sat there like that, but my husband said it was about half an hour. Apparently he had gone in with the kids and gotten Mary. I never heard any of them get out of the car. She went over to the house and told them what was going on and asked Brother Scott, and his wife, if it would be okay if I came inside. Mary came over to the car and opened my door and just hugged me and asked if I wanted to go see it. Their entire family stepped outside of their own home and allowed Mary and I to go in. The moment I walked in the door, I remember coming back around to reality...and it sucked. This was no longer my house. It looked like our house, but somebody else's stuff was there. The furniture was all wrong...the cabinets and the carpeting were still the same, but the couch was not in the same spot, our pictures were replaced with the faces of another family..the whole entire set up was different. I stood looking around for a moment longer and then asked Mary if we could go. There are not many people on the face of this earth that have witenessed me come undone, but undone is what I was. I walked out and hugged Brother Scott and his wife, said thank you for letting me intrude, and walked right over to Mary's house and sat on her couch. Everyone just kind of looked at me for a second, asked me if I was alright (in which I just answered yes, because what else do we all say when asked that?!?!?!) and then everyone went on like nothing had happened.

Since then, I have lived in a town about 20 miles north of there. As much as I wanted to live near Mary and Danny and the kids again, I just couldn't. I go down there on occasions to see them, but mostly they come up to our new house. I have driven around the area a lot more and have been in all the old places we use to go to. I did it all slow of course, but none the less, I have been to all but one. I have not been able to return to where we got married. I have driven close to there, but always drive well around it. I get that same anxiety feeling inside and just don't go. I do everything possible to detour as far away as I can. I have tried to make myself go, but the palpatations come back, my hands get sweaty, and it just gets unbearable. I know, like most on here, that once I do do it, it probably won't be so bad, but for now...I am just not ready. So, I do like we talk of on here...I will go at my own time and I will know when that time is right....I hope.

I must say that moving back here felt like coming out of a coma...that is the only way I can desribe it when asked. It even happened when I started flying again. I flew over this state so many times before, but when I started back to flying it was like...I know where I am, I have seen these sites, but it was like I was seeing them all again for the first time in like a gazillion years. We get together with Mary and Dano almost every weekend, but they always seem to come up to our house. We have never discussed why, as with close friends like that you usually don't have to, but I can almost bet it has to do with the happenings that first night back. I imagine it was hard for them and they don't want a repeat. I am also certain that they are thinking of my feelings and probably feel like I am better off up here in my new turf. However, there have been times when I have gone down there to pick up a child or drop one of ours off, and everytime it gets easier. But, I do know that I look at the house sitting across the street everytime. On occasions I have even walked over there and looked around, looked in the windows, and walked back over to Mary's. Now that it is empty, I can picture our old things where they use to be. It was actually kind of a joke not too long ago, about moving back in. When the kids saw that the house was empty again for the first time, they said something about how "wouldn't it be funny if we moved back in there?" I of course know it would not be, but they all (including the hubby) was having a blast with making the cracks. I tried to chime in but couldn't really and I think he finally caught that I really wasn't finding it all that funny and the joking has stopped. Do I want to move back in...oh hell yeah. I could really put everything back how it use to be, minus a few pieces of furniture and some plants, make it look like he had never left, and put myself right back to those first few months right after he died...and I could undo every healthy thing that I have accomplished. But, it WOULD feel nice to feel that much closer to him again. I am sure that if things had been different, and I could have stayed in the house we lived in when he passed, or even moved back down here and was able to move back into our first house, that things would have been a lot different. I read about the feelings of those who had to move because they just couldn't handle it and those who wouln't move out for the world. We all handle it differently, and sometimes circumstances beyond our control handles them for us, but in the end, we all must do what feels the most right to us at the time...and to hell what others have to say!!!

Anna - I must have been writing while you posted early this morning, as I didn't see it until today when I came to read. I am so sorry you had a bad day yesterday. It stinks so bad to have to repeat the "story" over and over. Even now, almost four years later, I run into some that didn't know "we" were back. And, like you, I have to say "we" are not back...and tell the story over again. It is not as fresh now with me, but it does open the wound up every time..a wound that will never heal..no matter where I am in this journey. I am glad to hear you are finding more peace today. You too are such a strong lady.

Linda - I love reading your posts...you are such an inspiration. You have been moving all about the countryside and still find a way to move through everyday. One of these days I am going to come on here and read about how you have a house of your own now again and how you are coping with it...I remember the feeling of being so ungrounded, moving around a lot after Mark passed, and wondering if I will ever find my footing again. I have found a foundation again, and am feeling more stable as time goes on, but I still have my moments.

April - Thank you for commenting on my days with the baby...thank you for indirectly being a part of what helped make it better!!! As for the "fog"...that is what I mean when I talk of coming out of the coma. The fog had been getting less thick for me, but moving back here really had been clearing the fog away. Mattie was three and a half when her daddy passed away...sometimes when I talk about the baby, I still say she is three and a half...wtf??? She just turned seven!!! It is like we lose time....When I catch my self now saying it every so often, I just have to chuckle. Yes, girlfriend, I think life is just this random!!! =)

Michelle - About the whole plans subject...I can't believe you referred to that song. You writing that was like me writing it. I have used that as a means to live my life by now. I, we, were so busy making plans and doing for the future when Mark passed that I missed some of the simple things we should have enjoyed. Now, I make plans, but not nearly like I did before. I try so hard to let life just be. I try harder now to stop and smell the roses so that this new life I have been given does not just pass me by. If reading my story has helped you to make a plan and spend some time with your boy and you find happiness in it..then I am doing what I set out here to do. Let me know how it goes!!!! As for the Bingo winning..thank you for the smile your comment brought. One Mark working through the other Mark...what a pretty thought!!! Thanks!!!

Lisa - Have you thought about having his boots bronzed like people do with baby shoes??? Just a thought...to help perserve them. I miss the scouts. My hubby and son were so involved in it before he passed. My boy wants nothing to do with it anymore since.

Mary Jo - I use to want to buy a body pillow, dress it in Mark's clothes, somehow put a picture of his face on it and use it to cuddle with when I slept in our bed. I was so dilusional then...lol. I never did do it, but I sure wanted to. I would always leave his side there for him, in case he wanted to lay down...don't spirits need to rest too??? But, I did leave him pillowless, as I snuggled up to them for comfort. I took forever to wash the cases, as I could still smell him on there for a long time after. The funny thing is, althought it wasn't funny then, is that they smelled like his sweat. I don't know if any of you on here know, but a lot of heart patients sweat profusely in the night. HIS PILLOWS ACTUALLY STUNK!!! Like I said, dilusional. =)

Lauraa - Thank you!!! And you are right, my first Mark WILL always be with me and things are very compounded...sometimes more than others. But, when you have hit rock bottom they say there is no way but up!!! Thanks again...hang in there!!!

Sue - Your underwear story made me laugh..thank you!!! I have taken up a lot of space on here this morning so I won't write of any antics on this end...but will another time. I take it he use to leave his underwear laying around and you were not fond of it before??? And even now, you are still picking them up...lol. MEN!!!

To all the new people...I am sorry you are here, but welcome! Keep coming back!!!

To all others...and EVERYONE....BIG BIG BIG (((HUGS)))

Angel

[mariemikey]

Good morning everyone:

I'm sorry I didn't get back on here sooner. It was a really hard day yesterday and you all helped get me through it. I also had a really good session with my therapist. In addition to that the closet of personal items of my husband is with me, but as you all can understand, impossible to go through right now. I had told my in-laws a couple weeks after this happened that if and when I can send them some of his items I will, that it is just very difficult. Well, they chose to contact me yesterday on our 13th wedding anniversary of all days to tell me that they haven't heard from me. I don't understand why they had to contact me yesterday and even at all when I had asked that they not contact anymore ever because it is too painful. I felt the conversation went well. I stood my ground and I did apologize for not calling them a couple of weeks ago to follow up even though I did originally tell them if and when I could, I would send some items. Anyway, I agreed to send some of his items in a couple of weeks. I just can't bring myself to go through his things now. It will still be hard then, but at least it will be over with. I just want to put one foot in front of the other and try to put my life back together, but I just keep getting pulled back.

[justamom]

Marie sweetie, I just went through my hubby's closet in the last 2 weeks. Steve died Last January 15th. It took me a long time to even look at his stuff let alone think about going through it. Take your time. You don't owe anyone anything. However, if you can get away with sending a couple of things that you are not attached to so that the inlaws will leave you alone you might think about that. (Maybe a really ugly shirt or hat that you hated whenever Mikey wore it, I don't know maybe that would give you a giggle. Send socks if not!) My therapist has really ended up being a close friend of mine. I don't know that I would be where I am at all without her. You will feel like you take a step forward and then 2 back. Then you will finally take 2 forward and only 1 back. It will take time. Your own time, no one can tell you when you have to do anything. Hang in there.

Angel, good morning. I have not hought about bronzing - I have saved his hiking boots and 1 pair of his cowboy boots (We cremated him in the other pair) ANd I have 2 boys so they each get a pair of daddy's shoes. I assume that they will wear them someday but I will mention bronzing to them. That would be a good idea.

I just found out that I have to volunteer in my sons first grade classroom for two hours tomorrow - Now I ask you who would ever ask a widow to volunteer with a bunch of first graders on VALENTINES DAY?!?!?! A very insensitive, newlywed teacher? Sounds like a fun day huh? I think it is stupid holiday to begin with and I always have however, Steve loved it so it will suck. Oh Well, one more thing to "Get through". I hope you all have a great day - My puppy just ate my childs fruit loops off of the kitchen table and we have bedlam! I am gonna go yell. Lisa

[missyouhoney811]

I feel safe and secure when I am at home it is my sanctuary. It is very hard for me to leave the house. Yesterday, I forced myself out. I went grocery shopping, UPS, Post Office and I actually played the lottery....afterwords I sat in the car and cried. What a rush of tears. So hard to control. I was thinking about having some type of therapy. It is a very tough decision for me because I truly HATE all medical people...trust me with my Johns bad health I went down many roads fighting with them. For most of them if a patient does not go step by step according to their medical book they just don't understand and refuse to listen to the patients wife (and caregiver) who over the years learns so much on various health conditions but she is without the medical degree....so they do not bother to listen.

I bought a card to put by Johns picture and candle it plays "Endless Love" (written by Lionel Richie) The card reads "You are by beginning and my end, you are my dreams and my reality you are the love of my life" I remember dancing with John years ago to this song. I am so sad without him. How do we go on?

Lisa - be strong on Valentines Day - I think the teacher needs a bit of education on widows. Take care of yourself.

Love and Prayers to All,

Dorothy

[mishknit]

Dorothy.....

many therapists are not medical, in the sense you're talking about. A good marriage and family counselor is what you should probably be looking for, and there are some that specialize in grief issues. mine doesn't, but has certainly dealt with them with her patients. I love the luxury of my therapy...and hour of just talking about me, my problems, my worries, my pain...i can wallow and she can also help me to see the ways that i can struggle out of some of my pain, and back into living life. It's been a godsend for me. I hope, if you try it, that you find someone good. remembert to shop around, you will, hopefully, click with someone.

lisa....sweetie.....ever hear of the word NO! LOL!!!!!!!there have got to be others moms to do that classroom work....c'mon girlfriend!

Linda...i, too, am always amazed at your posts, all that you've been through and still hanging in, with warm thoughts and advice for all of us. you are an inspiration, and i think of you daily, hoping soemthing will turn around for you and you'll have a place to live soon.

What a great post angel, what a story. thank you for always being so open and honest about your feelings ..it is so helpful, and gives us all hope.

I have my therapy today, am very grateful. I've ben very weepy lately,,not really crying, bt feeling always on the verge. Not sure why (well, except the obvious reason! lol), but think there's somehting else going on, and hopefully will figure it out taday.

anyway, hope you all have ddecent days

michele

[mimi54]

Just out of curiosity, how many years have you been posting here, Lauraa? What about you, Angel? You two seem to be the most consistent posters. You both must be such wonderful people to always be available to give some soothing words to all the suffering who come here. I have been reading the old posts that are listed on top of the page. Your names are always there. I just wondered if you went back farther than two years. Anyone else an "old-timer" here? What makes you keep coming back even when you have moved on, at least moved on from the horrible beginning of grief. It seems people come and go, but some stay a long time. Which do you think is better?

[mariemikey]

Justamom:

Thank you for saying that. I know that they are grieving too, but I was hoping they would respect my wishes. Michael wouldn't want them adding to my pain. I had every intention of sending his parents some of his personal belongings, but I didn't see the rush. I will just send them in the next couple of weeks just like I told his mother yesterday and then they will never have any reason to contact me ever again, which is what I had told them with my family when this happened and what I told them again yesterday. It's too painful for me. I have noticed that I have had the strength and courage to defend myself and do what is best for me. I know that is coming from Michael watching out for me.

[mariemikey]

Mishknit:

My therapist is a trauma counselor. I met her before I moved back home and I have chosen to have telephone sessions with her. I am pretty much doing a 1/2 hour or so a month except when there are difficult days: birthdays, anniversaries.

I agree that it is nice to half that time dedicated to talking about only my issues. I don't feel as selfish as I usually do.

Mimi54:

I have been posting here for about a week now. I don't want to intrude, but would you like to talk about you? I think it is nice to read how some have been able to move forward over time. It gives me encouragement and strength to see that it is possible. For the newer ones, like me, the support is amazing and I look forward to logging on and seeing the postings.

[aprilmoonflower]

Marie- I too just only went through my hubby's closet (17 months after he passed) don't rush it and don't feel obligated to get it done immedietly. it's ok to wait as long as you want! you will do it when it's time.

[mariemikey]

I was able to put it off for a couple of weeks. I have so much other things to deal with that I can't possibly add that right now. Once I do it, I will take a deep breath and know that it is done at least. I am afraid of how much it's going to hurt, but I'll be strong. Maybe I'll schedule my therapist appointment for that day too.

Did you have family members asking you for things too? Did you feel pressurred to go through the closet? How did you get through it?

[aprilmoonflower]

I gave his family things of his out of the goodness of my heart. I don't really know why I bothered though, because they all (every last one on his side of the family) have screwed me over royally. but his mother STOLE stuff out of his closet & my bedroom while she was here last month. that's why I finally bit the bullet and cleaned it out. I hope she enjoy's what she took as there is no more to take! (mostly I did it out of anger, but it turned out ok because I felt nothing as I was doing it)

[mariemikey]

Aprilmoon:

I am sorry that happened to you. It is really horrible that you were treated like that. I was accused of "selling" Michael's personal belongings yesterday. I just cried and asked why would I do that. I love him and would have done anything for him. I kept thinking what a cold thing to say, but it has always been a relationship like that with him always defending me to his family. I stood up for myself, but was proud of myself for not just yelling at her. I miss him so much every minute of every day. I know what MIchael's wishes are/were and every decision I have made has been in his and my best interest as it was when his was here with me and we made decisions together.

Did you ever confront them about stealing?

[sidvis]

Wow, what a awful thing for his family to put you through, Aprilmoonflower and Mariemikey. It didn't even occur to me to offer anything to my inlaws. When I cleaned out my husband's closet, I just did it. I was going on a trip with my boys and I didn't want to come home with it still the same. I did leave his ties for the boys, and a few of his favorite t-shirts. All his worrk clothes and shoes I gave away. Well, I did keep one of his shirts that still had the sleeves folded back just the way he left it. I have screamed and yelled at that shirt and I have hugged it alot while I cry and I've worn it to bed on occasion. Am I rambling? Sorry.

[mariemikey]

Sidvis:

I am glad to hear from you!!!! It brought a smile to my face.

I have done the same thing...wearing Mike's t-shirts to bed for comfort.

[sidvis]

You know , I haven't told you this but I think you are doing a wonderful thing by posting on here. My counselor always said that "talking is healing." It really is! The more you can get out the better. You are doing such a great job of expressing your feelings. You are going to make it I know. My kids are home now, so that means they will be using the computer for the rest of the day. Cheers to you!

[rodless]

Sidvis, I'm glad you're back, too.

My four very angry stepkids came in and cleaned out most of Rod's posessions before the funeral. They were determined that I wouldn't "screw him over." We had always had good relations before he died but disagreements over allowing Hospice to come in and filing fot Title 19 stirred up a whole bunch of stuff. I put away the things I wanted to keep and let them strip the shop, garage, closet etc. My own kids were so angry I had to practically lock them up that day. Now that it's over, it was an easy if trumatic way to take care of things. I made sure to keep some of his favorite clothes, slippers, billfold and important papers. I've changed the locks on the house (two had keys) had a neighbor watching during the funeral and then made the decision to end all contact. The only part I miss is the younger grandchildren to whom I had always been grandma.

People do awful things as a result of grief and relationships are destroyed. It's a mess sometimes. Mary Jo

[armaiti]

I am so sorry to hear about all of you who have had your partner's family members be so insensitive and harsh, and downright dishonest (in April's case!) I feel blessed that I have such good relations with Ishaq's kids, and his sisters and dad and stepmoms. They have all pretty much let me do whatever I needed to do with Ishaq's belongings. His oldest son did say it would be nice if the youngest son got his dad's older guitar, which I had already planned on...Ishaq and I had gotten one together, a newer one, that was easier for me to play and that's the one we kept. The old one had a guitar case that had been painted by the kid's mom, Mariam, so I really felt it belonged with his son. I sent Ishaq's bicycle down to him as well - he's in California - and that was hard, watching his oldest son take it out of the house and put in in his car. Ishaq was loving riding his bike after dinner every night. He'd ride as fast as he could along the bike path, and come back all sweaty and happy and tell me how many miles he rode.

I do remember his daughter saying to me "don't get rid of the canoe!". I had almost drowned in it one summer, when it tipped and I got caught under it in the rapids, so she may have thought I'd want to get rid of it. But I keep all the rafts and canoe and paddles and camping stuff. The kids come and stay and borrow stuff and it is wonderful to be able to share with them this way. We had a tent that was hard to put up too, and I went out after Ishaq passed and bought one that is really easy to set up - I coldn't imagine trying to put that other one together by myself!

The underwear story made me laugh too - for years Ishaq would pull off his underwear, hop in bed, and then throw them at the closet door, behind which was the laundry basket. They'd hit the door and slide down to rest on the floor where I'd be the one to pick them up the next morning. And I wear his shirts, and I wear his bathrobe in the mornings, and his socks, which shrunk and fit me. I have some things packed up in the closet, but I can't give anything of his away, there are so many people who knew and loved him and over the years I'm going to pass on his belongings to them all, as I feel comfortable.

I keep you all in my thoughts and prayers...for the new people here, I am so sorry you have lost your beloveds but I'm glad you found this board - there is strength and wisdom here that always speaks to me each time I come here.

Peace,

Anna

[aprilmoonflower]

well this is just the tip of the iceberg as far as drama goes with my husband's family.lol. I swear my hubby has an evil and extremely dysfunctional family. I actually feel sorry for them all as they have major accountability issues,etc. I hate to be mean about it all, but it's not my problem and I don't have the energy to deal with it at all. after having to basically threaten to sue for his ashes before they were mailed OPENED to me, also some were clearly taken out. also, my father in law is running a corporation under DH name and profiting while we struggle on SSA benefits. he just bought a half a million dollar house too. nice.. my SIL told me I am the reason hubby is dead after acting like my best friend for 7 months. my father in law accused me of stealing my own childrens trust fund because I got it out of his sticky hands and pout into their names like it should have been to begin with! (not his kids names like he set it up- he has a history of borrowing out of DH brother's trust fund over the years) anyway. I just feel so stupid for going out of my way time and time again to be used and lied to,etc. SICK! I am more bothered by all that than DH death so that ought to speak volumes in itself.

I have not confronted my mother in law yet but it's coming soon. I am just so sickened and at a loss. really..I went out of my way to giver her things while she was here but it wasn't enough and she stole from me instead. I feel so violated. anywho I have major issues with it all!

[mishknit]

mimi/...

i think what makes some of us stay here longer is that there are always new people coming in. When i first came here, the support i felt was immense..i still feel it, and can post whatever i want. BUT..i also feel a need to help others that are earlier on this path. I'm sure april and linda and others feel that way too.

just giving back is healing in itself.

sidvis..nice to see you...i printed out , or actually rewrote that prayer...it is so beautiful. I'm not sure how i feel about god these days, but the thoughts expressed in that prayer are so perfect. Anyway, thanks again for that.

April...any lawsuits pending? it seems like the use of your husbands name is..illegal? I am so sorry you have to got thru this all...

Anna....i am lucky, liike you. Toms family are all in Minnesota, but are as supportive as they can be...which is, sometimes, less than i'd like. I was the CA girl, feminist and whatever, that stole their good catholic brother.....LOL. BUT..they still like me, and love my son, and i like them a lot. BUt TOm removed himself years ago from them, and i felt no need or inclination to give them anything. they all came for the memorial, but i planned the whoe thing. His one brother spoke for the family, but that was about it.

And the underwear thing! GOD!!!! Tom would lie in bed and toss his underwear into a pile by our closet. Now, mind you, in our bathroom was a hamper..but, no, all dirty clothes went into a nice little pile between our closets! WHAT was that about? Pure laziness ...having to walk all the way to the bathroom? God only knows, i sure don't! But, I'd pick it all up when i did wash....very dutiful me! LOL!

the memory makes me laugh....even tho, at the time, it pissed me off!

take care all,

michele

oh, and anna...my son wrote a most beautiful poem..i placed it on my ancestor altar today....I love that you explained that, and that i can feel the kinship with you and others that are doing that! Thanks

[sidvis]

Dear April, talk about your in-laws from hell...Hang in there when dealing with them for your kids sake. They are their grandchildren, and they should treat them as such. That is what my philosophy is, "You don't have to leave me anything, but my kids are just as deserving as the rest of the grandchildren." Does that make any sense? Of course, I don't know the whole situation. Peace.

[rodless]

I have been laughing about the underwear. I actually saved Rod's. He was an older guy but he loved colored low rise briefs and had quite a collection of stripes, paisleys etc. For some dumb reason the boxful makes me smile. Isn't it amazing what we hang on to?... whatever it takes to get through this, I guess.

Tomorrow night there are some of us who "are alone" either divorced, widowed going out to eat and then to Dreamgirls. Not the way I would choose to spend Valentines but maybe it will help to at least have a night out. We never did anything special anyway but I will miss the card and and cuddling.

To the new gals, I can only speak from my own experience but when I look back to 6 months ago when I was at the 1 month mark, I can see that I have done a lot of healing and dealing. Still have plenty of bad moments and rotten days but things are better. I can remember in July wondering how I could even live until January. As someone said in a post a long time ago, it's amazing you can hurt so much and go on breathing. It takes as long as it takes and that's too long to be in such pain.

Mary Jo

[lindat]

Mary Jo - My youngest daughter came down from LA to take me out and we saw "Freedom Writers" - she didn't want to see a musical. It was a great movie, very inspirational, but please tell me what you thought of Dreamgirls - the one I wanted to see I will be working tomorrow - probably better for me than sitting around feeling bad. Terry always made Valentine's Day special - he would search for days for the perfect gift, with a card that would make me laugh, then he would cook a fabulous meal. The memories of those special days are still so difficult to deal with - I really hope that it won't always be so.

Angel - I love reading your posts too, you give me hope - without hope we have so little left. I am glad that you are feeling stable again, I have figured out through all of this that it makes no difference what is external, it is mostly what is inside that determines stability. My external is still very unstable, but I am beginning to find my footing again.

It seems to be a long process that just evolves when the time is right. Your description of going back to FL is exactly what I went through when I first came back

to CA. I couldn't stay here then because I was completely overcome with memories of when we met and fell in love by every street and landmark - and I couldn't live like that and move on. When I went past the first place that we stayed in together, where he brought me flowers for the first time, it was in the process of demolition. I took some pictures and went back there every day and cried. I realized that I had to leave and that is when I drove to MI. It was the right thing to do, and it gave me time to heal. When I left MI and went back to FL in October, his cousin (that loaned us the beach house) wanted me to go over there with her on an errand. I hadn't been back there since I closed the door 2 weeks after he died. She didn't realize that I would be upset and I don't think she noticed, but it was exactly as I had left it and I was overwhelmed. I went outside and gathered myself, but it was really, really hard. My thought is that the closer it is to the way we remember - the more obvious is their absence. When I came back here in Nov. it was still hard but the edge was off. There have been so many changes here in 20 years, but I keep looking for things that were just as they were when we were living here and I think - that is exactly the same, why isn't he here? I hate it that nothing is really the same, and I torture myself going to the places that are familiar because I am drawn there. My soul is searching relentlessly for his spirit.

Michele, You always seem to say what I need to hear. By the way, I did wedding websites for a long time - but stopped since Katrina. Maybe I will get back into it again, it was fun and the extra income was nice too I am working 6 days a week now - my choice, since it is better if I don't have too much time on my hands to think. I couldn't reach my daughter in MS this morning and I flipped out because of all the tornadoes.

Later I found out that she and the grandkids are fine, but there are many destroyed homes in New Orleans and MS - not sure how much more those folks can take. The other day I was telling someone that I was from MS and couldn't go home because the area was still too devastated. A person nearby was listening and commented that people there should stop waiting for everyone to help them and get on with their lives.

OMG - I was so angry, but I was at work so I stifled that too. I think society in general is intollerant of losses, whether it is material or human - history is history...

Anna, Your website is beautiful, I envy the inner peace that you seem to have. Four days after Terry passed away, I had a strange encounter with an egret. We evacuated to Terry's friends house during Katrina and 3 days after he passed, I stayed with them again. My sister flew into the airport there from MI and they wanted to go with me to pick her up from the airport. After we came back from the airport, as we were getting ready to leave, I received a phone call and had to go outside to talk on my cell. As I was talking a huge white bird with black legs landed on the porch railing an arm's reach from where I was standing. Our eyes connected and he came closer as I talked. My cousin was on the phone and when I told him about it, he said to back up slowly because he might have bird flu and I already had enough "issues". (Some folks just don't know how to address what you are going thru. I did back up and called thru the screen door for everyone to come and look. Terry's friends were amazed and said that no bird had ever come to their railing before. The wife got some parrot food and laid it on the railing, but the bird wasn't interested. This "visitation" went on for at least 20 minutes and eventually we decided we really needed to head home. As my sis and I were headed down the stairs to the car, the bird followed on the railing as if he wanted to go too. I told Terry's friend that if he were still there at 6pm he should put out a whiskey and diet coke. We were all a little unsettled, but I am still filled with wonder...

Darlene, I hope you and Hunter are doing okay, I miss your posts....

My thoughts are with you all, I hope you find some peace.

Linda

[mariemikey]

I wanted to check in with everyone to make sure all of us are doing o.k. today.

Aprilmoonflower:

I am so sorry that the in-laws have to taken away time from your being able to grieve. I can't understand how people can be so cruel and disrespectful. I am sure that this isn't the way your hubby would have wanted to see you treated this this difficult situation.

Mishknit:

Your memory of your husband tossing his clothes into a pile in the closet instead of the hamper that was closeby made me smile.

Maryjo (rodless):

I think your plans for Valentine's Day are nice. I am planning just a quiet day and night at home. I find that I am emotionally exhausted and thought I would treat myself to a day of relaxing with me and Michael's cats. What you said about how you felt at the 1 month mark and how you are feeling now is an inspiration to us that we can get through this and I thank you for sharing.

Lindat:

I can definitely understand your having to go back to CA. I felt that in Washington and it was why I had to come home to NJ. My sister is here and has been very supportive even though I feel like I overwelm here with my emotions and don't give her enough time to tell me hers. THat is why I wanted to talk to others who are going through this also and why I talk to a therapist, so I don't feel like I am overwelming my family.

My mom and step brother have not been a constant in my life. My mom never really gave me the time of day, but yet she was the first call I made for help when thishappened. I went through the "I want my mommy" thing. She did fly out to see me with my sister; however, she told me at that time she was only there with me because her boyfriend told her that is why she belonged. I found that very painful to hear. When I moved back here, she promised to spend a couple of days with me shopping for the new apartment I got, but the first day never called me and when I called her she said she was busy straightened up her house and would do it the next day. The next day she called me and told me to order my things online. My sister took me shopping and my mother was very angry at me for that. I got into a big fight with her about her not being there and she said, "but look who you called first when your husband decided to kill himself." I told her she was done with me and I don't every want to see or speak with her again. I haven't since.

[sidvis]

mariemikey, I am sorry about the relationship with your mother. I have always been close to mine, but when my husband died I could feel her pull away from me. She just couldn't take all the pain I was in, so she just shielded herself. I was hurt by that, but like you I turned to a counselor to really get it all out. My sister lost her husband to cancer about 6 weeks before I lost my husband to suicide. I suppose it was too much for my mother to see both her daughters in such pain. And she loved her son-in-laws very much. I sometimes think the two deaths were harder on her than on my sister and me. Are you being sure you eat? I know I stopped because I felt so sick and anxious all the time. My counselor put me on Lexapro and it really helped me. I was against it at first because I thought it would mask my true feelings, but it didn't. It just helped control the anxiety so I could eat. Peace to you and all who come here.

[mariemikey]

Sidvis:

I am so sorry for your loss. Were you and your sister about to be close because you both were grieving at the same time or was it too difficult? I have found that I have kept in touch with very few friends I had at my previous work. I am eating. Actually, I am being very good about making sure I eat and take care of myself, but I find that the reason I do it is my cats and to make sure Michael's wishes and what he would want are carried out. Each day I feel myself get a little stronger, but than I have days where I am overwhelmed. My doctor has me on Lunesta to sleep, but it's a really low dosage. I also have pills for anxiety, but I haven't been taking them. They help when I do, but I feel I just need to have them to know they are here, but not to be on them. Does that sound wierd?

I had to report the sale of Mike's car today. While, it was a sign of me moving forward and one less thing I had to follow up with, it was hard. I keep seeing the inside of the car in my mind even though I never saw the police pictures of the inside of the car and haven't seen the car since he died. I just couldn't bring myself too and I know he wouldn't have wanted me to see that.

What are you doing today? Are you getting through today o.k.?

[sidvis]

mariemikey, I too had to sell my husband's car. It is where he shot himself. It was a terrible ordeal getting it cleaned up. Of course I didn't do it, some crime scene clean-up did, but I got all the paper work so my imagination really took off on what it must have been like. I was a big girl and picked it up and drove it home. All of his things in the truck where thrown away. I never saw them, although the funeral home gave my sister some bloody money and his glasses that were on his person. I didn't want to see him and I didn't want my kids to see him either. So he was given an immediate cremation. There were his CD's in the player. I cried and cried when I heard them. Also, a fishing pole was still there in the truck. The clean-out people missed it I guess. Is this too much information? My sister was my rock because she had just been through it. Her husband was sick for 10 years. So his death was not a schock. She just took over for me and made all the arrangements. Our grieving has been alittle different since the circumstances were different. Such a sudden death for me, and a slow process for her. We share alot. I am glad you feel stronger. I never believed that time would help, but it does. It has been 16 months for me. I still have some very bad days, but they are getting farther apart. I am fine today. I only started on this site last week when I was having one of those bad days. I really am surprised at how it has helped me. I'm serious! I feel stronger for posting here. I wish I would have found it 16 months ago.

[mishknit]

Sidvis...

what a terrible story..i am so sorry about the way your husband died. I'm glad you have the support of your sister. And, yes, different circumsatnces, but the same feelings...that's why this bb works so well.

So..Tom never liked V day..felt it was commercial, but usually humored me with a card...frankly i didn't care much either. But I always wanted a card or something from my son, and tom always made sure that happaned. I figured he should learn, and then he could make his own decision aboiut whether he hated v day or not...maybe some girlfriend inthe future will be grateful to me! LOL

well...i don't even remember last v day..but i did find a card my son made for me. This year...nothing. i didn't think it would bother me like it is, but it is. he's 14, he knows it v day...i got him candy and a card...oh damn! Tom would have made sure he did soemthing for me...i'm mad at tom, not my son.

I went to curves and all the women were asking each other what they were going to do today...big sigh.

Anna....your website is lovely...there is so much there, with all those links! I had a great time going thru it, and loved your art work. Especially after hearing your story about your sight....amazing.

Now..i wish i could go pick up some dirty underwear.......OH WAIT!!! I have a 14 year old son, bound to be some in his room! LOLOLOL!!

you gotta laugh,

michele

[mariemikey]

Sidvis:

That is not too much information. I admire your strength driving it back. The police drove Michael's car back and stored in a police yard until I was ready to deal with it. The detective even found a buyer for is "as is". He was very helpful.

My sister has been my support. She found me an apartment close to her, she came out to Washington to help me finish up some things. She listens to me cry. I just feel guilty talking to her all the time about it. It makes me feel selfish so I've been really trying to keep it to a minimum with my therapist and this message board. It's hard for other's to understand.

I feel better since posting on this board too. I was much better yesterday. Today, I just feel tired.

[aprilmoonflower]

sidvis- see you ARE really stronger than you know woman! how awful for you but you did what you needed to do!

it took me 8 months to get my car back. my father in law then decided to abandon me to go get the car that day (In favor of going to work,church,other excuses) this was after MONTHS of him hounding me on a daily basis and telling me I was now his daughter and part of the family. well he left me stranded. hubby's truck that I had been driving died at the gas station and I was carless. I had to beg the auto place to bring the car to me! (I was planning to take a cab but with 2 carseats it would be cumbersome) anyhow they delivered the car (Incidentally that was the last time I spoke w/ my father in law too-nearly a year ago. what an ass!)

way off topic..

I got our car and there was a friggin FACEPRINT on the passenger window where he ended up (I **** you not that's what it was and the police reports and the guy that found him's stories lead to that conclusion) I guess they forgot to windex that window. =( also there were french fries in the car (He had just gotten food from Wendy's and got in the wreck within 5 min they determine (he was found 5 hours later). ewww. those things bothered me a little but it is almost a surreal joke. (Not funny, just sick)

the worst part was the people that cleaned the car boxed everything up. they put the shoes and hat he was wearing when he died on top. it sucked bawling in front of the car people when they dropped it off. ugh. otherwise I was ok with the car and have driven it ever since. (it's a 2003 RAV4 and DH bought it for me right before I got PG with our first child, I still like my car!) then after he died in the car I am pretty sentimental about it. I know it skeeves people out that I drive it, but oh well! it really is almost unreal to me still he died in the car. I have accepted it and I logically KNOW it's true but I still have that feeling that no it can't really have happened? I really don't think about it much and when I do I'm not really sad, it's just something I think about,yk? I guess I am just totally numb to it. btw there was minimal damage to the car yet it took months to get it from the police.

[armaiti]

Good morning everyone…

I’m thinking of you all today…I know this day was special for many of you. Ishaq and I never celebrated it, since our anniversary is in four days. I also felt that a holiday celebrating someone who got eaten by lions wasn’t the best way for me to celebrate eternal love. Ishaq and I always identified more with Radha and Krishna, the gods in the Hindu tradition who are eternal lovers. There was a song he and I used to sing, and one of the verses goes:

“Radha and Krishna, dancing in the moonlight

Krishna says to Radha, I love you

And I’ll be with you, though you may not see me

I’ll be with you

Every moonlit night”

The first time I heard Ishaq sing that song he was still with his soon to be ex-girlfriend and I was in the process of breaking p with my boyfriend of 6 years - again- and I heard Ishaq sing that song at a party and said to a friend “I wish I could be with a man who sings songs like that!”. In less than two months I would be with Ishaq - something I never imagined at that moment!

But I still can’t bring myself to sing that song alone yet.

Linda, I love your egret story! That is very unusual behavior for an egret, but I truly believe that our beloveds can visit us through manifestations in the natural world - birds, butterflies, wind, etc. Maybe it would have drunk that whiskey and coke!

Sidvis and Marie - You both have amazing strength to come here and share your stories and just to be going on- with each day. And amazing strength to deal with all you are having to deal with. Be gentle with yourselves.

April - I think you are really strong to be able to keep the car and do what you need to do with it! I think people are wierded out about some of the things we do because of how uncomfortable they are with death, and it also makes them afraid.

And Darlene, I too wonder if you are ok, haven’t heard from you for a while?

Also, I had an idea about the underwear (I still have all of Ishaq’s too). I’m gong to get a pillow cover, maybe a nice one to use when I sit and do practices or meditation, and stuff it with his underwear. It will be a good way of recycling it. Also some of them are very “hole-y” so having them stuff a meditation pillow will make me smile when I use it!

Peace and love and blessings to you all today,

Anna

[aprilmoonflower]

Sidvis:

That is not too much information. I admire your strength driving it back. The police drove Michael's car back and stored in a police yard until I was ready to deal with it. The detective even found a buyer for is "as is". He was very helpful.

My sister has been my support. She found me an apartment close to her, she came out to Washington to help me finish up some things. She listens to me cry. I just feel guilty talking to her all the time about it. It makes me feel selfish so I've been really trying to keep it to a minimum with my therapist and this message board. It's hard for other's to understand.

I feel better since posting on this board too. I was much better yesterday. Today, I just feel tired.

don't NOT talk about it with other people! it makes it harder for everyone. this is your life and what has happened in it, you don't have to ignore it for the sake of comfort though! There is also no reason at all for you to feel guilty. I know it's hard, but it's OK! It really is! I know I am not making much sense, I wish I could explain it better! just hang in there!

anna-I forgot it was vday! oops! I have some things to give to the kiddos. (Candy and a vday book) thanks for reminding me. I really don't identify much with holiday's but I do still do it for the kids. anyway you think I would have remembered vday as 5 years ago today DH and I decided to get married (after living together for almost 5 years), sigh. it seems so long ago! (and like it's someone else's life I am remembering not mine!) I feel so disconected latley and not sure why!

[justamom]

Hi Girls, So it is Valentine's day and I did decide to go ahead and volunteer in my son's first grade classroom. I thought about bailing but I didn't go last month because of a schedule conflict so I just thought that I should do it. As I got to the school I see four women in matching outfits carrying a huge bouquet of ballons and I think to myself, "Please don't let that be going to Mrs. H's classroom." Well of course Mrs. H. Is a newlywed and they are still really blissful and happy so of course it was going to her classroom and these women were delivering a Singing Valentine. Where they sang a totally mushy love song. Mrs. H. started bawling and then took one look at me as I walked in and I started bawling and then the other teacher and secretary were standing there and everyone was crying! My 7 year old got really freaked out and upset so I totally had to get my SH*t together for the sake of my kid. It was almost so freakish it was funny. I striaghtened myself up and finished out the day with no other instances. I do feel glad that I went. I don't know why. I have never really cared about Valentine's day either but Steve loved it. He always bought me something good and I do find myself missing that gift! I too got my boys candy and cards and books and didn't even get a Happy Valentines' from them I know they are little and would never think about that. I too am mad at Steve for not being here and messing up a perfectly good gift giving occasion. Oh well another holiday down.

When we had our accident we were in my sisters car. So I still had both of our vehicles to deal with. I sold my husbands truck and traded mine in together just because they were older and I needed something more reliable. It is funny but I was really attached to both of the cars. They had names and we had tons of great memories in and around them. Steve had a CD in his truck that was from when we were dating he had been listening to it on his last few days. That still amkes me giggle - It was Guns N Roses! We had to go back to the car that we were in to gather personal stuff too. I will never forget the way that car smelled and it was completly totalled. There was blood everywhere and my husband's shoe was stuck under the pedals. I do remember looking at that car and thinking that it was some kind of miracle that I was standing there. Completely capable of taking care of my children. I honestly don't know how that can be. But I know that I was blessed by God that night.

Underwear - Steve had a billion pairs, I don't know why but the man had ALOT of underwear. I wear some of the boxers now just for sleepng or laying around the house. THe boys think that is hilarious that I wear dads undies. The pillow idea is a great one - cuz what else can you do with underwear? I too have boys that connot hit the hamper so I am constantly picking them up. It doesn't really make me smile all that often but maybe now it will.

I am so glad that I have this board and all of you to talk to. No one else would understand how strange my life is and how I feel about it. Take care . Lisa

[mariemikey]

You hung in there and that's what's important. You found the strength to stay there and go on with the day. I think that is a great example to set for children.

[rodless]

Good job, Lisa... what we do for our kids! I love the pillow idea. I think I'll sleep with mine. Anyone see the men's underwear segment on Good Morning America today? It was about the new fashions.. guess we won't have to worry about them. Mary Jo

[mariemikey]

I missed the GMA segment this morning. I loved the pillow idea too.

I mainly find myself watching Soapnet in the morning flipping between that and the Today show, but the news segments are always so sad that I prefer the segments that are a little lighter like the one on GMA today. The Today show had the winner of the dog show on today. I thought that was cute.

I wanted to check in everyone again today because somtimes "holidays" can seem like a really long day and I wanted to make sure everyone was doing o.k.

[mariemikey]

Sue:

How are you doing today? I don't see any postings today and wanted to check in so you know you in my thoughts.

[aprilmoonflower]

loving the pillow idea too! actually my back (zippered) couch pillows need some stuffing as the cushions are kinda saggy (otherwise the couch is in good shape)..I had used a sheet to stuff one. I have a whole box of DH's white undershirts I was planning to save for rags..I may use them to stuff my couch pillows.lol.

I gave the kids their candy.they could care less! we will read the book for bed. they also are getting modeling clay after my son wakes from his nap and we will probably watch the Peanut's Valentine movie if I can find it among the piles of cd's,etc. I sooo need to get organized. story of my life.haha.

mariemikey- I don't watch much tv, we only get 1 station as we are surrounded by mountains! I have netflix though!

anyone know of any good movies I should rent? I just watched the notebook. next on my list are inconevenient truth and some kids stuff. I am out of the loop as far as movies go.

[mariemikey]

How are the kids?

Sounds pretty surrounded by mountains.

I have been overly organized because it helps me with feeling overwhelmed. Silly huh?

Movies....I haven't seen any lately that come to mind. I tend to watch older ones that I have bought to watch over and over again like When Harry Met Sally...because they have happy endings, but their hard to watch now.

[aprilmoonflower]

mariemikey-nope organizing is never silly! my kids are good btw, thanks for asking! they keep me busy. btw my DS is confused latley and calls every man we see/know/meet Daddy..soo sad!?! He will be 3 year old in 2 weeks and I know his little mind is just trying to figure it all out but it's heartbreaking!

[kathy51]

Today is Stan's 52nd birthday and my first without him..I believe this has been the hardest day yet..and also because he was born on Valentines day..I still have to go thru my birthday in 2 weeks and I feel guilty for being alive and him gonw..and i still have the first anniversary of hid death June 7th..then at least i will be done with all the first..Has anyone else had a more difficult day on his birthday?

[mishknit]

kathy....

i felt that way about tom's birthday. He would have been 52 last June. It was really hard, just knowing what a special day it was, and not having him here. My son and I buried some ashes in the morning under a tree we had planted for him. Then, in the late afternoon and evening, my son made burgers and friends came over and we celebrated the day he was born. It was very bittersweet and sad, but the friends being here for support really helped. Just before dinner we gathered around the tree and all said some things....and then a number of shots of scotch were thrown on the tree (tom's favorite!). We laughed and cried..it was 5 months to the day after he died..so it was pretty intense.

Anyway...a long story to tell you that I know what you're feeling, and am so sorry. Hang in there today and try and remember how grateful you are that he was born.....i tried to do that, and it certainly helped . It was harder for me to be grateful when MY birthday came around...but

big sigh!

take care, michele

[mariemikey]

Kathy:

I am sorry to hear to you are going through this. What have you done to get through the day?

I have not experienced Michael's first birthday without him yet. He passed away a couple of months ago. It's coming up though. I just got through our wedding anniversary without him a couple of days ago and if it will help you I will tell you how I did it.

I still have a therapist that calls me for sessions. She scheduled sessions on the phone on what I thought would be difficult days. Anniversary, birthday, things like that. I spoke with her about 1/2 hour and that was one of the best therapy sessions I have had. The rest of the day, I just wanted to be left alone. I stayed home and talked to a friend on the phone and my sister. For the most part I just tried to rest, but I did go to sleep early around 8ish that night becauase of I was exhausted. I don't know if this helps you but I hope it does.

Do you see/talk to a therapist?

[armaiti]

April - I've been trying to find movies that AREN'T romantic, as I watched "The Lake House" a couple of months after Ishaq passed and really lost it during that...I've been leaning towards movies that are upbeat, making spiritually oriented, etc. I did just see "The Wild Parrots of Telegraph Hill" and I really liked it. And one of my favorite movies is "Off The Map". I always like Indian movies too - Powwow Highway is a really fun, classic movie (all of these are on Netflix) I watched the Celestine Prophecy movie and liked it as well...I cut my cable off months ago, it was so expensive and I didn't use it - seems like all they had was shopping channels and poker!

Kathy - Happy birthday to your Stan! I can certainly understand how hard it must be to have his birthday be today.

Glad the pillow idea is inspiring so many of you! And thanks to all you who've visited my art website. I keep meaning to start making some new pieces - I want to do some new multi-media pieces as well, and I'm going to have t-shirts made to sell at our Sufi Camp this year with some of my art.

Love to you all,

Anna

[missyouhoney811]

My day went smooth. I had a few calls for the medical equipment I have for sale. Hopefully, I will be able to sell everything. As far as John's clothing its a bit too soon for me to even think of going through it.

My son stopped over after work with flowers. He is so much like his father. Looks, body structure and the way he handles himself. I do see my John in him.

Tonight I made myself a rice dish with various peppers, onions, water chestnuts, pimientos and crab pieces. Not to bad. I also opened up a bottle of wine and toasted to our life together. No tears. Candles are glowing in the house and I feel him around me.

I am so sorry for the way some of your families are treating you. I have a sister-in-law who has been wonderful to me and is always their. A brother-in-law who is sort of a stuff shirt - but, he is alot older and I guess he has no knowledge how to react to any personal matter. My two sisters who constantly want me over their homes (Ohio and Florida). Right now I just feel I have to be in my own surroundings. My son who worries about me. Thank God I have him. I almost forgot my German Shepherd Sherman I am so happy I have him. Without him I would have no reason to get out of bed at all.

Hope everyones day was as easy as mine. If not I will pray for you.

Dorothy

[justamom]

Kathy, I can so relate, Steve died on Jan 15th and he was 35. 6 weeks later March 4th would have been his birthday. It was awful. I had a house full of people all of our friends and family. We all talked about Steve. It made me so sad but, I was glad that so many people wanted to be with me on that day. My birthday is July 4th and I turned 36. I can't tell you how horrible I felt having a birthday without him and turning 36 when he didn't make it there.I got really, really drunk and cried and cried and cried. I felt REALLY bad the next day and learned my lesson about how much I should and should not drink. I don't know how to tell you to make it any better. You just get through it for a while and whatever you do to get though it is okay. My boys and I are trying to figure ou what to do for his birthday this year. No party. Just something small for us I think. Hang in there. I am sending you all of my thoughts and prayers. Take care, Lisa

[kathy51]

thanks for all the support.....i do see a grief therapist..

[aprilmoonflower]

Kathy- the only thing you can really do is just get through the day. focus on an hour at a time. you will get through it. try to think of the good times you had together!

Dorothy- it sounds like you had a nice evening..I love german shepards. mine passed last june (9 months after DH died) I miss her so much still! they are such good dogs!

Anna- I have not visited your site yet! but I will soon! thanks for the movie suggestions!!!