I Miss Him So...

[missinmyhubby]

Jeanne - I thought your poems were beautiful!!! The second one gave me such goosebumps and a cold feeling while reading it, it hit so close to home. Thank you for sharing.

Michele - Thanks for the laugh...I was sitting here staring at the screen for a second going "who the heck is zlauar, I don't recall posts from this person." I was going to do some back reading after I caught up on all the new posts. When I read your second one, I couldn't help but chuckle when I realized you had typo'd. I know....ya had to be here moment... rough day here. I also have not forgotten to answer your reply on the new job thing. I have tried to explain it to you and end up in tears, so for now I have left it alone. I will get around to it...promise.

Anna - I am so glad to see you made it home safely. No matter how much love you have surrounding you, it's still a lonesome road we travel now. Keep your strength, we all admire you!!!

Mary Jo - big ((HUGS)) girl!!! I wonder, does your ex-husband know you still mourn that relationship??? Just curious???

As for my end, I am feeling really down right now. I hate this!!! Have any of you tried so hard to feel happiness, it works for awhile, and then WHAM, the sadness seems to come back ten fold??? I have felt this so many times. I think I am okay, I muster it up for everyone, I say to myself "this isn't so hard", and then with no rhyme or reason I crash!!! I know you must all think I am crazy. I am remarried to a wonderful man, but yet I still have all these moments. The nice thing is that before I had to suck these up alone, but now that I have found all of you, I can at least not feel so alone anymore. Of course he is here for me, but we all know...they haven't been here so they don't get it. I JUST MISS HIM SOOOOOO MUCH RIGHT NOW........................

I have been fighting it off since xmas day. Now, tomorrow, we are going to visit a long time flight buddy of mine for the New Years weekend. Again, I have to go through the whole introduction process. The last time I saw him, I had DH next to me. I got the whole "same name" scoffing that I always get the other day when he asked about my new husband. I know that others find it funny, but I do not!!! It's one of those STUPID things that people say...and frankly, it is getting sooooo old.

Well, enough of my bitching, I just needed to say how much I miss him...my heart is in pieces again today, I have been extremely edgy, and the tears won't stop coming at the smallest things...and if one person on here asks me if I am pregnant I am gonna scream!!!! (half hearted attempt at a joke)

[lauraa]

Missingmyhubby:

You are not alone and I do not think your crazy. Why wouldn't you continue to mourn your husband....it is so normal. I am glad you have found someone to be with and that he is support of you. But, I am sure you still have deep moments of grief. I don't think it will ever really go away.

I do the same thing. I get thru the "big days" and I either crash before or after. We have to this for our kids. That doesn't mean we don't get fooded with memories and feelings of our loved ones. I think my husband and I were "twin soules"...we thought alike, craved the same foods the same times, slept side by side in the fetal position and the list goes on and on. I am sure this is true for all of yu here. Your not crazy!

Jeanne:

Your poems say it all!

Rodles

I know what you mean. Life throws us curb balls and hard ones. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. It is by far the hardest thing I have ever gone thru. And, the problems don't stop on top of this.

We all need to consider ourselves among the toughest and brave.

I wish you all peace.

[rodless]

I'm not sure what my ex-husband knows. He came to Rod's visitation and funeral and back to the house to be with the kids. I have very little contact with him except through them and they say he's dealing with some past regrets. Oh well! He's on his 3rd marriage (my kids give it 5 years)so he has had his own set of problems dealing with things. It should have worked. We had similar backgrounds, were college sweethearts, but he seems to think he's God's gift to women, especially married ones. What starts as friendship always seems to end in an affair. That's the way his second marriage went down, too. (Wife #2 is happily remarried and my kids still talk to her as she was stepmom when they were growing up and they have a little sister from that marriage) We'll see if he's learned any lessons as he's heading towards 60. Surely, "things" will be slowing down?? Nice man, great teacher but self-absorbed. You know that song "You're so vain"?? I mourn the idea of lost marriage and hopes, not the man himself. So that's my story of that... Mary Jo

[rodless]

Angel, I'm having one of those crash and burn days also. Tears and more tears... but I needed them, I guess. Now I'm just tired but a little more at peace. Sometimes I go way back and read posts and I always find something that helps. One of the guys that was on the oncology floor with Rod was buried today. I sat in the hosptial cafeteria one day last summer with his wife and we talked for over an hour about what we were going through. So.. another sympathy message to put in the mail. That's three now who have died since Rod. We had quite a group going as we were all there a month or more. Sometimes it all just seems so hopeless. Ok, someone, tell us something encouraging!! Mary Jo

[nancy55]

I pray everyone here has peace and comfort this next year ahead of us. I find it hard to believe it has been 18 months since my husband died and; this Christmas was worst for me than last Christmas. The real loneliness sets in and their absence is so permanent. I know everyone here struggles daily to make it through another day alone. The loss we have suffered is the greatest. The holidays are the hardest, but starting a new year is not easy either.

God bless all of you, Nancy

[susanbruce]

Thinking that I might have to sell the house - rather than live penny to penny.

Going to sleep on it for a few days, talk to Bruce and see if he gives me any indication how he feels, before I decide for sure.

Life sucks.

[kristiej]

I haven't been here for a few days. I managed to get through Christmas. I stayed with my sister for a few days and that helped a lot being in a different place. But then I came home and it hit me hard. I didn't even get dressed the next day until much later. I met with a grief person through the Hospice. She wasn't my regular contact because my regular one was out of the country. I met the new one for a coffee and was telling her I'd had a really bad day. Her reply was along the lines of "oh well, that happens and you have to get over it." I shut right up after that and to be honest was very angry at her rather cold-hearted answer. Now I'm dreading tomorrow night which is kind of funny as Ron and I hadn't really celebrated New Years in years. Maybe that's part of why. He would get a bottle of champagne, we would drink and more often than not be in bed before midnight. But now I don't even have that. It's so nice to come here and know that everyone knows what it feels like and how lonely it is without our loved one with us anymore.

[Guest Guest]

I pray everyone here has peace and comfort this next year ahead of us. I find it hard to believe it has been 18 months since my husband died and; this Christmas was worst for me than last Christmas. The real loneliness sets in and their absence is so permanent. I know everyone here struggles daily to make it through another day alone. The loss we have suffered is the greatest. The holidays are the hardest, but starting a new year is not easy either.

God bless all of you, Nancy

[armaiti]

In half an hour I go to play with our band at a local restaurant. Luckily we don't play too late. I am regretting that I said I'd go, I'd rather be home and away from all the people who are wishing me "a happy new year". Someone told me earlier that next year will be better - he was talking about his situation, but I told him that it would definately NOT be better for me. I will get by, and there will be both joy and sorrow in the coming years, but it can never be better than it was when Ishaq was here beside me in his body.

I wrote this poem for him on the evening of Christmas while I was back east with his family (note: in Sufism, the Divine or God is often referred to as the beloved):

On the day you left

the geese cried out and the trees sighed

for the loss of you in this world.

But you only laughed

and flew away to join the Beloved.

You became the river that sings praises to the One

and also gives the water to nourish all those who need drink.

I drink from the river, and you flow into my being.

I listen to the wind sigh through the trees and hear your songs.

I listen to the geese cry and I hear your laughter.

You never really left - an energy, a lifeforce ebbs from the pillow

where you once lay your head.

In the darkness I turn, and I see the outline of your body

still sleeping next to me.

In my dreams we talk, you laugh and smile and hold me close.

You never really left. You went on to the Reality

while I stayed behind

in the Dream

- to my beloved Ishaq, on Christmas evening 2006

And to all of you, may the coming year, if not happy, at least let you find some measure of peace, and continued connection with your beloved partners.

Love,

Anna

[aprilmoonflower]

Anna- what a beautiful poem! I also hope you had a better evening than you thought you would.

I am just so sad today. the new year puts a year between now and when DH was live. it just sucks and hitting me like a ton of bricks today.

[rodless]

Anna, I envy your ability to translate your feelings into words in such a graceful way. I am glad you share them.

Is everyone as glad as I am to have the holidays over with? I echo what others have said... such a strange feeling to know Rod is not part of the new year. I have been thinking of all of you, especially the ones who have mentioned anniversaries, birthdays etc. I hope and pray that all of us will find some measure of peace and acceptance as we go through 2007. For myself, I don't see how is could be any worse than the past 6 months. It has to be better. Mary Jo

[mishknit]

I AM SO GLAD THEY'RE OVER!!!!!!!

They were both not as bad and worse than I expected, if that makes any sense.

real life awaits.....on the 21st it will be a year for me....

i guess it will never end?

Michele

[lindat]

Darlene, Your video was great as usual - you are so talented, the tree was definitely a message...

Anna, Your poem to Ishaq is beautiful.

kristiej - I don't know where I would have been this year without my sister. I spent the summer with her and her new husband, and it was a blessing. My sister lost her soulmate and love of her life in 1998 on her 31st wedding anniversary and I was there, but I wasn't there for her - not really. I had no idea what she was going through and I know now that I failed her. She was the first to come running across the country when my Terry died last year. She knew what I was going through and she was totally there for me. Once you are in this club, you never forget what it feels like.

Our thing for New Years was pickled herring - the first time I had it was 21 years ago on our first New Years eve. I just couldn't do it this year, but I forgot to ask Terry what would happen if you don't....

Susan and Laura - you got that right - it sucks.

Michele, I have the same feelings, better and worse. It will be a year for me on the 17th and I know that will be a hard one also. It just feels that he is farther and farther away and I hate that.

I was supposed to go back to MS after the holidays, but our builder is in prison after bilking several families out of all the money we had for rebuilding. I am basically homeless again and really getting tired of it. I am going to San Diego tomorrow to see about signing up for Americorp for a year. It will definitely give me a different life and I will have a place to live for a year. Hopefully by then we can start rebuilding. I have never gotten up to LA, perhaps sometime in the near future....

Wishing everyone a New Year filled with peace and healing! Linda

[computermemaw2]

New Year's Day marked 3 years for me. Three years of still crying, still going through the motions of just trying to make it through the day, 3 years of still not completely believing my husband is gone. The few times I find myself talking with someone about my husband or when saying that he died, I feel like I'm talking about someone else. My husband can't be dead, I still feel married. These past 3 years have been the most lonesome of my entire life. I've developed a pattern I guess for me now. I get up in the mornings, get ready for work, and manage somehow to keep myself occupied during the day. I don't dare let my brain stop for a moment because when I do, I begin to think about my old life, my husband, and I start asking what did we do that was so bad? I know we didn't do anything, but I still can't stop the questions from coming. I still cry driving home at night, and I still come home in the afternoon and immediately close out the world. I hate this life and still long for my old one back. I miss my husband. I'm trying not to think about what the future might hold for me. I take care of our computers at work and my position is as a contractor, and each year we have to go through the contract renewing process. We've gotten renewed for another year, but things look very doubtful beyond that with all of the budget cutbacks. I'll be 56 years old this year. I just managed to be in the right place at the right time to land this job. I'll never be able to find another job that will pay me what I'm making now. I see a very real possibility that I'm going to have to try and sell my house. That terrifies me. But so does trying to keep and maintain it by myself. I feel I'm in a no-win situation. I want my husband back. My children are grown and out of the house, so basically, there's just me and the dog. I feel like I'm turning into my mother-in-law. Her husband divorced her after 20 years and for 40 years she hasn't left her house except to go to church and buy groceries. I've tried to talk her into letting me pick her up and take her with me the few times I go down to Florida to see my folks, but she always says no. She doesn't want to leave her cats and doesn't want to ask her neighbors to check on them when she's gone. So she stays alone. I've prayed that God doesn't let me live 20 years without my husband, I miss him so much. I just get so tired of trying to keep getting through the days. I don't think about what tomorrow may hold. I figure I'll look at it once it hits me in the face. I wish I could make up my mind about whether or not to move from here or to go to Georgia where my sisters live. But I couldn't leave without having another job lined up. Although my husband had some life insurance, it wasn't enough that would allow me to not work. I paid off what I had to but am still responsible for my house and car. This is not any fun. I pray, go to church when I can, try not to still be made at God or at my husband for not taking care of himself. My sister tells me it's time to move on, time to start a new life. That's easy enough for her to say--she still has her husband. My dad turned 80 last October. Before Christmas he had emergency surgery and is still in intensive care. My parents have been married 49 1/2 years. I only got 33. I am so jealous of those extra years they have had together. My mother never mentions my husband and hurriedly passes over the subject if I happen to bring him up. She tells I am doing fine and will be okay. I wonder if she realizes how much she hovers over my dad when she visits him in the hospital. The little pats on the hand, covering him with a sheet when he gets cold, going and staying all day during visiting hours. I've read all the afterlife books and ask for signs, but get none. No dreams, nothing. I feel so alone. I read many posts back where someone had lost their husband 7 years ago and they said you do keep going on, you just learn how to adapt to the hole that's now in your life. That you do eventually get happy again. I'm trying very hard to adapt. But my hole is a huge one and I don't think I will ever be happy again. Gayle

[justamom]

Hi everyone, Happy New Year HA! Disney was great, my boys had the best time. i was so glad that my mom and sister went with me. My mother in law was pretty good too. We did all of the big great rides and my 7 year old didn't think anything was scary or long enough! Adrenaline junkie.It was very strange to be sad inside, on my anniversary and trying to be happy and have a good time for my kids. Honestly I made my sister promise that we would pretend that it wasn't my anniversary and that worked pretty well. My life is strange also because "Hockey boy" likes me alot. I just don't know what to do or think about that. He is a great guy and I could totally see the possibilities if the timing were better. I got tickets to go and see Dave Mathews in Las Vegas at the end of March and I am thinking about whether I should invite him to go with me? I get to start the legal process with the kid driving the car in a couple of weeks. THe guy who let the kids have the paty has opted for a trial, that doesn't get started until May. I too feel like it will never really end or get better at this point. I think I am just learning to live without him and that sucks. I am very glad that the holidays are over but am feeling very sad because I don't have too much to look forward to right now. The end of winter is always hard for me and this year I can't stand it. We have like 4 feet of snow in my yard right now pray it doesn't snow in Colorado for a few more weeks or I'll be completely "cabin crazy".

Anna, your poems are beautiful thank you for sharing them with us.

MaryJo, I think the same thing - it can't possibly be any worse that what I have already survived - so it has to get better.

Gayle,I am sending you all of my good thoughts and prayers. Hang in there.

Love you girls, Lisa

[rodless]

Lisa, if "Hockey Boy" is the right thing, he will understand, go at your pace and wait until you're ready. How does he relate to your kids? That tells a lot. Rod was great with mine from the get-go, seemed to be able to get involved or back off as needed. Lots of issues when kids make it a package deal. It's hard to be a single mom and meet your own needs at the same time. I'm happy your anniversary was ok. Mine was 23 days after I lost Rod so I at least have been through that. Mary Jo

[rodless]

Gayle, I understand all you are saying. I am also 56 and wonder how long I will have to work and why retire anyway since Rod is gone. I look at markers in the cemetary and so many were widows for 20 yrs. or so. I know what you mean about hoping not to live that long. A bleak outlook especially approaching 60.

I overheard a co-workers conversation with her husband today and I wanted to do that daily not-so-important-but-need-to-talk-to-you stuff too. It hurts. Then a friend came in and some remark he made brought this vivid portrait of Rod to my mind and almost sent me to my knees. I am usually ok at work - game face ya know - but today is rough. Is is because of the new year and all that crap??

Hope you're all doing better than I am today. Mary Jo

[justamom]

Hi MaryJo, I kind of met him through my kids - he is the "Cubmaster" for theirboys scout den. He was also a friend of my husbands. Which makes it alot easier because I don't have to explain anything.He knows my whole stiry good, bad and ugly. He is really good when I am having a hard time too, he just wants to be there for me. He is getting divorced and has been seperated from his wife for about 18 months so he has his own "stuff" to deal with as well. We are taking it very easy trying to make sure that we make the best choices for our kids. It is really nice to have a man to talk to - he thinks I am pretty cute too which is also nice.I am just glad that I am through my anniversary another thing down and in the past. I am sorry that you are having a bad day - maybe it will just be bad for a little while and the day will redeam itself. Take care, Lisa

[missingcurtis]

Good Evening,

I was just reading the latest posts and guess I didn't notice the ages before.

I was 55 (nearly 56) when Curtis died. Now this month I will turn 57. I too wonder if I will be a widow for 20 years or what. I really hate to think of living 20 years alone.

We didn't have any kids, so there are not even any grandkids. And we had married when I was only 19. I grew up being married. I don't know any other way of life really. And the one I am living sucks!

I still cry, maybe for myself. Maybe feeling sorry for myself and the other widows. We all made plans to grow old along with our hubbies. And look at us now. I am not trying to bring anyone else down, just stating how different our lives have turned out to be.

We used to make decisions together. Maybe we did not always agree but we could talk it over. Now when something needs done, I mostly just try to ignore it. I am even having trouble trying to get my bills paid on time. Someone told me to set them up to be drafted from my checking account. I may try and check into that. It just takes all I have to live day to day.

I don't think I would wish this life off on my worst enemy.

Debbie................Missing Curtis and it hurts

[egrayl]

Hi Everyone. I think we all deserve awards for making it through the holidays...

Anna, I loved your poem. It brought tears to my eyes and reminded me of my DH.

I wanted to share a beautiful song I heard that I can really relate to: \"When I look to the sky\" by Train. The live version is terrific also. It is a very comforting grieving song. \"Calling all Angels\" is another good one by Train.

This really feels like starting from scratch in my life. I have 2 little boys, 7 and 8 and suddenly, flying solo without my soulmate. God, how I miss him. I just hope he is sailing happily on the other side.

Big hugs to all.........

Eileen

[armaiti]

Eileen - another great song is by Micheal Franti - "See you in the light". A friend gave me the CD and it is an amazing song, especially for me since it talks about being in the river, and Ishaq was in the river when he passed.

Debbie - it is interesting how we are all so close in age. I'll be 52 this May. Ishaq was almost 56, though I've read his type of diabetes shortens life spans by fifteen years. I only read about this after he passed away, I'm glad I was blissfully ignorant up to that point about how short his life could be.

Gayle - I just spent Christmas with Ishaq's dad,who is 87 and his dad's second wife, who is just about 60. She and I talked a lot about what is next for us - she knows Jerry will most likely pass before her (though he still does yoga two hours a day!). The part about how you still feel married to your husband, well, that just makes sense to me! I don't think that bond dissolves. I know I've been with Ishaq before, and I know I'll see him when I cross over and we'll go on to be together again. It is just what I believe. The part about "til death do us part", I don't think death separates us. The love we have for each other still lives on, how could love die?

Lisa - It's great that you have somebody to share and talk with. It sounds like he is a wonderful, understanding man!

Mary Jo, Linda, Michelle and everyone else - we got through the holidays and the light is returning, finally. I know there's some tough times ahead too - our anniversary is February 18th. I plan to celebrate it, as I feel Ishaq and I are still bonded together. And the anniversary of his passing, on July 28th will actually be easier to bear, as Sufis we celebrate those days, the day a person crosses over to merge with the One, so I'll be organizing an event for that for the community and we will all celebrate Ishaq's life and his music and his teachings. We all have the right to make up our own celebrations and honor our partners in whatever way we choose, don't let any family member or friend tell you differently!

I'm trying to take joy in the small things of nature. I realized even while I have this huge hole inside, I can look at nature and appreciate and even enjoy the birds and the trees and the water. I think, what would Ishaq want me to do now? and I know he'd want me to go on, keeping up my spiritual practices, playing our songs. It's hard, but I'll do it for him, as well as for myself. I don't know how many years I have ahead. I just took our seventeen year old cat to the vet today for a bladder infection and the vet was going on about all the things wrong with her and all the tests and treatments I could do and I'm thinking, she's almost eighteen! That's like 100 in human years. Why would I want her to suffer in her last years being poked and prodded when she seems comfortable and happy sleeping inside and knocking the kitten silly when it gets too close? It makes me realize that I need to make sure I do a living will, that I want to make sure that no doctor uses any extraordinary measures to keep me alive when it's my time to cross over.

It's finally raining here, instead of just being depressingly grey and cold. I'm going to take a bath and try to get some sleep, since I was up off and on during the night checking on my old lady kitty, Sita.

May you all have a peaceful night,

Love,

Anna

[mishknit]

anna....

i too, loved your poem. i wrote several posts in the last few days and they don't appear.....hmmmm...maybe i had nothing to say?

I want to be a sufi....i love the idea of celebrating tom's life on the day he passed into the "one"...a lovely thought. Tom died on january 21st....it is almost that day for me. I want to mark it in some way, and forget it in another...perhaps i can get to a place of happiness for what i had, vs. bitterness at what i no longer have. I just miss him so much...that's the thi8ng. And it is the little stuff...it's been hard making it thru the "milestones", but in some way i feel that many of them are so artificial....every day i had with tom was special. I admit readily that i feel that now, how i wish i had realized it fully while he was still in this world.BUT...we had a great relationship, and i felt appreciated, and know he did too..at least most of the time.

I'm right there with all of you..i'm 53. I do not see myself alone the rest of my life...i hope not. I believe I can love again, not like tom, not the same, but before tom i didn't love, and he taught me how. Now I want it again...and hope it will manifest itself in my life, in time, in time. whenever i can accept it. I hear that it is those who had happy, good marriages that want to try again..and i hope i get the chance.

you all take care tonight....

i'm going to start thinking about my sufi ceremony for tom....I probably can find some ideas on the internet...is that right anna? Can you guide me somewhere?

peace,

michele

[armaiti]

Michelle - Well, I guess I'm still awake!

When we do an Urs Celebration, we normally do things like sacred chanting, or we play the songs of the person who passed, tell stories about them, play their music.

Since Tom was a musician and a writer, you could do someething like play recordings of his music, read some of his writings...have his good friends gather and tell stories about him, things they remember. When I put together Ishaq's Celebration of Life in September, it was quite a mix of things, from having some of the Tribal Belly Dancers perform to a recorded piece of his music, to having his friend who was with him that day on the river tell of his experience...I did it in two parts, so the people who weren't Sufi and might not be comfortable with the more "unusual" part could make an easy exit before we started the second, Sufi, part. Whatever you do, it could reflect who Tom was and who you were/are as a couple, what your spiritual path is...There's no particular guide really to doing it, it's something you just create to honor the person who passed, to celebrate their life lived and the journey they are on now.

If you want to email me directly, too, with any specific questions, my email is in my profile here, I'd be happy to help you with this more, if you want. Ishaq and I often planned the opening ceremonies and rituals for different gatherings we were part of, and they included aspects of all faith traditions. Any thing I can do to help, just let me know!

And now I'm REALLY off to bed...

Love,

Anna

[mishknit]

I'm still up too...

but I'm in California....so it's not that late.

Thank you anna.....great ideas.

I have to laugh though...because the recorded music I have of him singing is mostly (tho not all) Christmas music, and he was a sitcom writer....i can just imagine reading some of his scripts and singing carols! lol...and yet...he'd like that, so there!

I actually found a recording of him singing a medly of "Pure Imagination" from Willy Wonka and "NeverNeverLand" from Peter Pan. It really just knocked me for a loop, because thats' where I picture him...in a place of pure imagination where he'll never grow old. That's the music i'll play, and he wrote other things too....beautiful notes and letters to people....perhaps I'll call on them to share those things.

I am in a bit of a quandry about all of this, because i have a 14 year old son..who i love so much, and who I feel is as much a part in the planning as i. So..we're talking about it, thinking about it, and , i believe, we will first honor whatever we decide to do. He mentioned possibly doing something bigger on february 4th, which was the day of tom's actual memorial service...which was an amazing thing, and perhaps keeping the 21st for us, since, on that date last year, there must have been 100 people in and out of my house all day...and just hanging there with us. It's an interesting thought from a child....well, a teen who has had to grow up so fast. We're still talking.

I am so grateful for your input tho anna.....thank you, and i may email you!

Michele

[darleneandhunter]

Hey Everyone,

I managed to make it through the holidays. I spent New Year's Eve at a friend's house, having chinese food with him and his mom. I had a few drinks, but it wasn't a big deal. I left his house rather early - around 10:30ish - just to avoid the whole after hours crowd on the road.

Hunter and I crawled up in bed and watched the ball drop on TV. Even though it was our anniversary, I felt oddly numb. I shed a few tears, but I think I made myself do it. I had been complaining all this time about being tired of crying, and here I was, forcing myself to.

I braced for an emotional impact, and was left with feeling numb. Go figure.

And, that's how I've been for the last few days. Numb.

I have been working on cleaning up this dump. My heart isn't in it, but it needs to be done for my upcoming inspection. I don't want to lose my housing grant because I haven't been cleaning.

Blah.

[starchild]

hAPPY nEW yEARS from the big Apple!!! I'm glad to see that everyone survived the dreaded holiday season. Even though we're not feeling it, we're all alot stronger than we give ourselves credit for and this is another example. I for one am grateful that it's over. This season included all the firsts for me. My survival senses have been on high alert for weeks now and I'm drained emotionally. I've been reading that alot of us are around that 1st angel anniversary and feelings are definitely in effect. Stanley will be gone a year on the 13th and I can't believe how quickly time has passed. I'm still not ready to say goodbye or deal with all the other things that go along with losing that man. Having taken a moment to reflect on things, I find that while I'm no closer to being comfortable with why, I am resigned to the fact that he really is gone. I have a picture of him on my desk at work and to see him looking strong and healthy and beautiful, knowing that he won't be getting any older with me, just wears me down. What makes me the saddest is that even though I'll be okay, I'll never be alright again. Here's praying that everyone has a blessed new year. And that the healing process continues..............

[airymoon]

hi everyone i haven't posted in what feels like ages but i have been reading. Anna your poem was beautiful. I am sooo glad the holidays are over. We spent Christmas eve at my parents and I became so tired it overwhelmed me. I laid down for just afew minutes and woke up 2 hours later. I felt so bad but when i came out i found that i wasn't missed as much as i thought . They knew i was sleeping and i must have needed it. I think i was hiding within myself and have decided that it is ok. We made it through New years and i am glad 2006 is over, We had a lot of good times as a family in the year but everything is over shadowed by kurts death. I have decided I am going to be ok. I'm waiting to feel like i'll be good again but im still waiting for that one. I think i am ready to try to live again instead of just going through the motions i think i want to be part of life instead of watching it. But that is the choice for today and tomorrow it could change. I wish all of you comfort and peace in the new year. I wish you laughter and hope and i wish you happiness even for a minute if that is all you can manage.

Much love to you all'

Becky

[missinmyhubby]

Becky,

That is how it happens...One day at a time. (((Big Big Hugs)))

[lauraa]

Ladies:

I am so glad you all made in thru these dreaded holidays. I had many melt downs throughout and I am glad we are beyond Jan. 1.

One day at a time is all any of us have.

You are all so strong.

And, always in my thoughts!

[rodless]

Becky said..."I think i am ready to try to live again instead of just going through the motions i think i want to be part of life instead of watching it."

Amen, amen!!!! I hit 6 months on the 7th... trying for a new attitude because there's nothing else to do. Mary Jo

[mishknit]

I'm sitting here with a glass of wine and trying to work something out in my head (and don't expect that will happen tonight!)

here's my thought.....on the 21st it will be 1 year since Tom died. I've been dreading it, dwelling on it despairing of it..whatever. And today....i started thinking..so what? I don't mean to sound flip, but, really...i miss him so much. I miss him today, yesterday, tomorrow....what special magic does a year have? he's been dead almost a year...that just plain sucks, and i don;'t want to get all extra worked up over it!

every other"first" has been a long lead up to the day, and then the day or the "first" wasn't as bad as expected. I don't believe christmas was anywhere near as bad as the day my son started school again this year, no worse than right now, frankl;y.

Perhaps it's the expectations of others that feed into our frenzy about these dates....perhaps i am so in denial about my feelings i'm trying to talk or think them away..LOL...who knows?

But I think I have some sort of point here, and would welcome input..if anyone wants to bite.

I sure am glad that i can write here...and , even if it's just another day, I'm sure i'll havae something to say about the year.

darlene...becky, laura...i think you're all in about the same place..what do you guys think?

take care,

Michele

[airymoon]

Mary jo-- we are so close in our time. Get a new attitude when you want one I am just tired of crying and struggling. I think i'll try to live what i've been faking for so long. I have had more melt downs after the holidays than during i think it is because i built myself up to be ready for them and i pushed it all away and now its caught up to me.

Michele--I think your right the build up is worse thatn the actual day and your also right about so what if ther wasn't a calendar would that day hurt any worse than the others or less. It is a day just like all other days and it is really just numbers the pain is still there regardless. But ithink we have to have the numbers. Maybe to remind us that we are still here and that we have made it this far so we can do one more day. The anniversaries are not what gets me it is the days im not ready for it and then BAM but you all know this.

love to you all and stay strong

Becky

[rodless]

I had lots of people asking me about Christmas and my reply was I didn't miss Rod anymore on Christmas that I did last month or will next month. Christmas is REALLY beginning to bug me. I haven't liked it for many years but it seems like it just gets more and more aggravating each year with people's expectations falling flat, even those who are not going through grief or loss.

Michele, I agree that the lead in to certain days is worse than the day itself. I think we all need to do what feels right to us at the time - plan something special or ignore the darn thing.

Becky, I was divorced in 1985 and spent 5 years getting over it because I wallowed in the past and could not getting going in a forward direction. Once I got my head on straight, good things happened. I am leaning hard on that experience as I go through this.

Life happens, good or bad. Sometimes it's easy to deal with, sometimes it's a damn struggle. Each of us are different. I read one thing that really stuck in my mind - each of us cope with things based on our life experiences and personality. I'm using the life experiences and I've made major changes in personality in 20 years (ask my ex) so I hope that will send me on my way.

Ok, so today I'm feeling positive. Tomorrow I may have to eat my words. So goes the roller coaster!! Mary Jo

[aprilmoonflower]

michele-i totally agree with you about expectations. no matter how hard an anniversary is it's NO comparison to the day you lost your DH, yk? a day is a day. I am not saying to ignore it but you don't have to become hysterical with grief either because some people WILL think that's what you should do!

I don't know if it gets easier..I have gone through 2 of our wedding anniversary's and 2 of his bday's., I think it get's easier and harder too in alot of ways. I think it's the little things that sometimes trigger grief the most (for me anyway!)

maryjo- you sound so positive latley! enjoy that, as it's definitly a roller coaster! The strength you gain during these good days are what will carry you through though!

I was married and divorced before DH as well. I think having a previous divorce has helped me find hope too. in a weird way!?!

[justamom]

Hi girls, I too am getting close to the one year, on the 15th and I have really thought that once I got through it I was magically going to be "better" that then I could move on and my life would be better. Then my sister said to me one day "What exactly do you think is going to be different?" I really had to think through it, nothing will be different, the only difference will be in how I think about it. So I sort of decided why wait. If I am the only one who can make myself better why wait. Do it sooner rather than later. Since that day I have had alot more good days than bad. Not that I still don't have my bad, they are plenty bad and plenty of them. But for me it really has been a mental choice. I agree with Michele in that the anticipation has always been worse than the actual day. It is still the little things that whoop my butt. (I have yet to get rid of his toothbrush or his clothes!)

On another note, I am so tired of everyone having an opinion on my life, How I am doing things, what I should be doing and mostly how I should be handling my grief. I actually had a very good friend of mine tell me that she doesn't think that I am dealing with any of this. That I am spinning out of control so that I don't have to think about it. Now, someone please tell me how anyone can know how I am dealing with the death of my husband in my head? She's not here when i have my bad moments and If I totally went to bed and freaked out then I still wouldn't be doing it right! I just want to be left alone. Why can't people get that. If I am happy they think that I am being Fake if I am sad I am dwelling and not moving on. I can't win! I feel like a hamster on a wheel.

I finally got up the nerve to spend sometime with "Hockey Boy" and was actually enjoying myself, and now his "soon to be" ex-wife has gone nuts and drug me into the middle of all of the craziness. Unfortunately we know many of the same people and she is talking about me all over town. I just don't get it.

There is also 6 more inches of snow in Colorado today and my kids are home from school. My youngest has had the flu and only went to school 1 day this week. I feel a little suffocated.

Okay, I am done now.Take care all, lisa

[lauraa]

Hello Ladies:

Well, I agree with you all. Anniversaries are no different than any other day as far as my grieving goes. In the beginning I thought that it would be the anniversaries, birthdays and holidays that would be the roughest. But, I have found that it was all the little day to day memories that really hit me hard as I wasn't prepared for them.

My therapist prepared me the first Christmas and really helped me think of ways to get thru it. She was so right because she said if I didn't prepare it would be a disaster. I took her advice and it helped so much.

This grieving process is a "rollercoaster".....in so many ways.

I think we could all write a book together on how people around us changed. I think their interpretations of us are unfounded. How could they possibly know how we feel. They see and they assume...that's all. It has been quite hurtful to me...which has compounded my grieving and lonliness. I have retreated and my world is small right now. That is the way I cope. I just got tired of rude comments. Peoples opinions. Their selfishness. Misplacement of their feelings onto me at my time of grief and making me feel thankless. Or, assuming that I am o.k. because I look o.k....Or, they think because I hit my one year mark that I am "over it"......Well, I am not over "it". I feel hollow!. We were soulmates and everything to each other. I do find that I numb myself at times now to just not feel the debths of my pain. It does creep out though....I find it starts in my gut and just wells up until it hits my throat and then I have no choice but to cry.

I think our psychics protect us and that is what the numbness is about. It is a process that needs to be done and it takes a very long time. I think we grieve as deeply as we loved. And, we are all different with lots of different experiences.

I also think we are mothers and we will do anything for our children and that means pulling ourselves together for them.

Sometimes though, I don't think even my kids know the debth of my pain.

So, I usually keep my bad breakdowns to myself or with therapist....Mostly, because no-one really cares to listen. It wasn't their spouse...it was mine!

We are a tough bunch....and, I also know my husband would not want me to be sad because I know how much he loved me...I'm trying!

You all have a good night.

[bsnurse76]

Darren has been gone for 2 months. It seems so long ago when I last talked to him or kissed him. Sometimes I feel like our memories are gone just like him. I agree that others don't understand the pain we are going through as they have not experienced this kind of hurt. I pray they never have to because I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Not that I would of ever wanted this to happen, but sometimes I wish it would of been 5 years from now because at least then I would of had children with him. I wouldn't have to worry about finding someone new so I can have eventually have the family I want. I just don't want to start over. I was very content with the life I had. I don't know if any of these thoughts or feelings make sense to anyone because most of the time it doesn't to me. I am just trying to focus on getting done with school and starting a new job in the summer. I miss him so much. Thanks for listening. Brandi

[armaiti]

Arghh, I'm laid up with the flu and it really sucks. Ishaq used to take such good care of me when I was sick. We took care of each other really, me with his diabetes and him just being caring. I miss that so much. I'm just worn down and tired tonight. At least my old lady cat is doing better (she had a bladder infection) and is actually going outside to pee instead of doing it on the rug...which was driving me crazy. She's almost eighteen, I try to cut her some slack, but cat pee on Persian carpets is not easy or fun to clean up.

I don't know what I'll do on our anniversary. It would have been eleven years on February 18th that we were together. Our band is supposed to play that weekend but I've already said to count me out, as I don't know how I'll be doing. I think my friend who was with me when we dressed Ishaq for his cremation and helped me do ceremony with him is going to come up, and we'll go out and eat and do some little ceremony of our own. She's an ER nurse and hopefully can get the time off and come up here from Southern Oregon. I still feel like Ishaq and I are together. We are soulmates and will be together again when I cross over, so I don't see any reason not to keep honoring our love and committment to each other, even though he is not with me physically anymore. He is definately with me spiritually.

I agree, it really sucks when people who have no idea what you are going through start telling you what to do. I actually pretty much avoid people outside my spiritual community these days, just because I don't want to deal with their ideas of what I should be doing.

As for keeping our partner's belongings, I still have Ishaq's toothbrush, and his clothes are in the closet. We actually shared some clothes, even though he was tall and I'm short, so I end up wearing some of his t-shirts and stuff. I don't see any reason to get rid of his things unless I want to. I did give all his diabetic medicine away quickly to the local free clinic, but I knew he'd want me to do that, help others who could use it. They were really glad to get it, too. But I also like to keep his clothing accessible to pass on to his friends and students - he had so many students all over the country, and so many friends, so when someone comes to visit I like to give them something of his. And to keep so I can send something to his kids each year, something to wear or have to remember their dad with. His youngest son is off to Columbia, South America this week, to travel around before going back to college in the fall to get his Masters in Creative Writing. He writes the most amazing poetry.

My temperature is down to 99 finally. This flu thing is going around our city pretty bad - one of our band members didn't come New Year's Eve because she was so sick. And she had even gotten a flu shot, but not for the strain of flu she ended up with!

Many blessings to all of you,

Love,

Anna

[rodless]

We all do so many of the same things.. I managed to ditch the toothbrush and soap but the tshirt he was wearing the morning he died is still under my pillow even though it doesn't smell like him anymore. I wear his slippers and big flannel shirt around the house and one of his jackets to walk the dog. They make me feel better. I mailed another flannel shirt and his copper bracelet to his sister because she wanted something she could "touch." Maybe that's why we keep stuff. One of my friends said that every time I pet my dog I should remember that Rod's hands stroked her, too. I found that comforting.

Tonight I looked through the pictures of our wedding and the tears came again, but in a way they were happy... grateful that I was blessed with him in my life and that God took him before his illness and the demands of his care caused hardships on both of us. He would have hated that.

Best to all... we will come out of the valley. Mary Jo

[rodless]

Lisa, craziness is right when talking about a lot of divorces. Anger makes people do really vindictive things and blame everyone else for problems that they were part of the cause of. Did it myself and saw it many times when I was part of the Beginning Experience team years ago. Anyone else ever heard of that?? - they sponsor groups and retreats for divorced and widowed. Sorry you have this to deal with on top of everything else. Mary Jo

[missingcurtis]

Good Morning,

I totally agree with whoever said this grieving process is a rollercoaster.

I think I dealt with the one year anniversary of Curtis' death and got through Christmas pretty good.

But then I had to take a major step and tell his friend that I was getting so close to, that I have to put some distance between us.

He was being a very kind friend, calling me, coming to see me, helping me with problems and so on. I really started to think he cared about me. We talked about it and he says he only wanted to help me. That he does not want to be involved with anyone.

So rather than me sit here and think that things were going someplce, I told him I need to take a break from him. I need to finish the healing process alone. Not depending on him and wanting something that is not there. Does that make any sence?

Maybe someday I will meet another guy who makes me laugh and one who I have things in common with. Maybe not for marriage but just to spend time with. I really miss having a male companion. After 36 years of marriage I guess I am just used to being with a man.

Someone told me that I was falling in love with being in love. But I don't know anything else. I was married at age 19 and loved and cherised for all those years. Another friend of his told me that when the time is right, if it is meant to be, I will find someone. So I guess I will just have to leave it up to God.

I hope everyone has a good weekend. And to those who are having anniversaries this month, hang in there.

Debbie

[missinmyhubby]

I like it when everyone tries something positive on here...it is a nice break from all the hurt and pain...Let's see if we can get a positive thing going:

Ten things I love:

1) I will always love DH

2) I love my kids

3) I love my hubby of today

4) I love that I can sleep in DH's t-shirts and hubby today does not EVER get offended, upset, jealous, weirded out, etc...(I get to love them both.)

5) I love that when I am in the air flying I am closer to heaven.

6) I love cuddling

7) I love fishing

8) I love the feel/smell of my baby's skin (well, she is six..lol)

9) I love to hear my family laugh

10) I love the smell right after the rain stops

May a list of things you love put a smile on your face, if only for a moment. Thinking of all of you tonight.

Angel

[armaiti]

Angel - I like that idea...I think being grateful is a great practice as well. Ishaq's sister and her husband do a gratitude practice, and I include a gratitude daily in my Sufi practice. And I think it is awesome that your current husband is so accepting and loving. So I am going to list ten things I'm grateful for today:

1. I am so grateful that Ishaq and I met, and spent ten and half wonderful years together, and that he is my soulmate who will be there when I cross over to guide me and be with me once again.

2. I am so grateful that when his time came to cross over, he was able to it with such ease and grace.

3. I am so grateful for all the dreams, visions and communications that I and many others are still able to have with him.

4. I am so grateful for Ishaq's dear family, who adopted me as one of their own, and my dad and cousin who still check in on me as well.

5. I am so grateful for my community, who care for me and check in on me, and who I can share anything with and they don't think I'm nuts.

6. I am so grateful for my three cats (yes, even Sita who pees on the floor because she is old)- gentle, loving Akbar who was the first cat for Ishaq and I to get together, and little Mckenzie who came as a gift just three days before Ishaq left to make me laugh and help me heal.

7. I am so grateful for my spiritual practice and beliefs, without which I don't know if I could have survived this huge loss.

8. I am so grateful that I am a photographer and a musician and that I can connect with Ishaq and remember him through our music and the pictures I and others have taken of him over the years, the recordings of his voice.

9. I am so grateful for the beauty of the place I live, a block from a beautiful river where Ishaq and I swam and played each summer, and a home with space to have a wonderful organic garden each year with raspberries and tomatoes and more.

10. And I am so grateful for my life, that I have been given a chance to open to this new challenge and learn and find a good way to walk in this world, to help others see that there is more beyond the physical world, to try to share what beauty I can create through art, and music and writing, and to try to help be a steward and caretaker of our fragile Mother Earth.

Being thankful isn't easy in this situation. We have a blessing we say, usually over meals - "O Thou the Sustainer of our bodies, hearts and souls, bless all that we receive in thankfulness" I used to just say it, and yes, I was thankful, especially for Ishaq being in my life. After his passing, those words really started to make me think, and still do, each time I say them. Bless all that I receive in thankfulness. I can say truthfully, I am thankful. And I am learning to find peace as well, and to enjoy life again. Ishaq is with me. He will always be with me, my teacher, lover and friend. And I will love him forever as he will love me. I may be back here tomorrow posting how awful I feel, but at least, tonight, I am at peace.

Sending you all blessings,

Love,

Anna

[rodless]

Great train of thought, especially for the new year! Here's my list in no particular order

1. Rod - what a blessing in my life!!

2. Jet trails and white clouds in a clear blue sky

3. A sassy little scottie dog that's a great comfort

4. Friends who have also lost husbands and are wonderful support.

5. Books - what would I do without them?

6. Family - I didn't know how much they loved me until this happens.

7. Job - secure with nice benefits

8. Home - a "nest" made with love.

9. Black Hills of South Dakota - a special place for memories and renewal

10. This resource - it's great to have all of you!

[bsnurse76]

Thinking of positive things is a great idea. I need some good thoughts.

1. I am grateful for the 4 years I had with Darren. He is a wonderful man. He has truely made me a better person.

2. I am grateful for my family, friends, and his family whom I did not know personally until his death.

3. I am grateful for his dog, blackjack, and my cat, bella (she has bathroom issues also). It is amazing how much comfort animals can give you.

4. I am grateful for the new job I will start this summer once school is done.

5. I am grateful that Darren did not suffer and that I was by his side when he left this earth.

6. I am grateful for the many memories we had together and the dreams we wanted to see happen.

7. I am grateful for this site. It has been a blessing for me to find others that are experiencing the same emotions.

8. I am grateful for my home and the security it provides me.

9. I am grateful for football. A sport Darren and I enjoyed watching every Sunday together.

10. I am grateful that Darren spent his last few years with me. I am honored that he made a home with me, loved me, and supported me.

Thinking of everyone, Brandi

[armaiti]

Brandi - I had to reply to your post, because Ishaq and I loved to watch football too! And a story happened around that a week after he passed when I was down in California for his son's wedding...

It was on the coast, at a beautiful place called Sea Ranch,where the bride's parents had a house. Ishaq and I had been SF 49er fans for years, both having come to Oregon from the Bay Area. But the last years have been disappointing to say the least. But we'd watch football together every weekend, and host parties for our friends. So the day after his son's wedding, we had a memorial gathering for Ishaq - a place where we could share our stories and feelings about him. It was very beautiful, and when it was over we were outside the building and I pointed out how I kept seeing these hawks everywhere, there was one circling the little chapel as we stood there. And someone said "Oh, those are sea hawks". I started laughing and told Ishaq's close friend who was also a football nut, "Ishaq is telling us we should watch the Seattle Sewhawks this season!"

And now they are in the playoffs!

Love,

Anna

[mishknit]

a thankful post.....great idea!

I am so thankful for:

1. Tom....the love of my life and the fact that he loved me

2. Our beautiful son..even as he enters teenagerdom...AAACCKKK!! he is such a joy in my life, so helpful and loving, and i know how he blessed tom's life too

3. My home, a respite and a place of love and celebration (had a little party last night...it was exhausting, but made my home feel alive again)

4. My friends..who are my family. I am loved unconditionally by so many, supported and held up, allowed to be me and able to let them be them. They support me so well, and i know how lucky i am to have that

5. My family...my brothers and sister who really stepped up to show me they cared for me, even thought we haven't been that close thru the years.

6. All of you here, another bb i go to, and my grief group...all ways to express what i feel, how i feel, with no judgement and TRUE understanding. i hate being grateful for all of you...because i wish none of us were here..but, i am

7. My therapist.... I have been seeing her off and on for years, tom and i even went together to her husband during a little "bump in the road"...from the moment i called her after tom died, she has been there for me. I jhave seen her once a week for the last (almost) year, and have not paid her one cent...her gift to me.

8. My health.....I am taking pretty good care of myself, and will continue to, I need to be here for my son

9. My writing, thank god I can do that, not always well, but getting my thoughts and feelings out on paper has been a lifesaver to me.

10. My (newfound) hopefulness....from the depths of despair i am crawling back into some sort of new life..don't know how it will be yet, but i feel it calling. I trust that it will be good..i know it will be hard, and i know it will be without tom corporeally, but he will always be with me.That is a great comfort, and, at this point, perhaps the thing I'm most grateful for. He was in my life, he changed me....

love to you all,

Michele

[justamom]

Lovely idea.

Things that I am thankful for:

1. That I got out of the car and am still in one piece.

2. My sister - best friend that I could ever have.

3. The rest of my friends and family who have all been really good to me.

4. My boys - they are the reason that I get up ever morning.

5. Sunshine

6. Good Music

7. My therapist also, she has become one of my best friends and someone that I hope to be more like.

8. Good attorneys, police officers and judges.

9. You all, I hate that we connected this way but I am very thankful that we are connected. I get so much strength from you all.

10. Possibilities and Hope. I have both and I am able to see them for the first time in a while.

There are alot more things that I am thankful for but I will limit it for the sake of time and space.

Anna - No love here for your 49er's. My Broncos are done for the season since they came to town. I do love football and I didn't think I would without Steve.

Take Care all of you, Lisa

[lauraa]

Even though I feel hollow right now:

1. I am thankful that my husband gave me three beautiful gifts (our children). Even though they are difficult at times they are my reason for living.

2.My home....my sanctuary.

3. My memories.

4. My strength.

5. My dog.

6. My love for nature.

7. My love for family.

8. My love for gardening.

9. My thanks to the ones who hold me together.

10. My thanks for my husbands spirit that is always with me.

[bsnurse76]

Anna-Great story. Darren and I are Chiefs fans (they looked horrible this weekend and are no longer in the playoffs) We would watch most of the games every weekend. We had a fantasy football team so we had to keep up on how our players were doing. We came in 2nd in the fantasy league this year. I have a lot of wonderful football memories. Take care, Brandi