I Miss Him So...

[armaiti]

April, our orange kitty Akbar knocked the tree over the first two years we had him...I remember the first year, Ishaq was in the bathtub and I'd gone to bed and I heard this horrible CRASH!  I heard Ishaq get out of the bath and he was standing in the living room saying (loudly) "We have had a TERRIBLE DISASTER!" so that I had to get up and help pick it all up.  We tied the tree to the wall after that, and my tree this year is hooked to the wall with framing wire - just in case!  Mckenzie hasn't tried to climb it yet..she's more interested in chasing squirrels up the butterfly bush/tree in the front yard.

I think it's great that you are thinking of going to see John Edwards.  I looked at his schedule, but he's not coming to Oregon. And I do pretty good with Ishaq on my own, though it would be fascinating to see him and meet other people who believe as I do. 

I'm really excited to see Shems and Crystal this week.  I've put together some items of Ishaq's for them all too.  And I ordered one of the maternity shirts from Cafepress with one of my cat designs on it for Crystal.  We also have our monthly zikr, which is a Sufi eveing of sacred music/chanting, on Friday, so that will be good.  Dorothy, I hope you have fun in the sun - I sure wish I could go somewhere warm too!

Bacafly, glad you are feeling better too - I know that part about feeling tired alot. 

Blessings,

Anna

[rodless]

Decided I was tired of being down. Took the dog for a walk in the cemetery about 4:00 - three layers of clothing - and it was beautiful. The trees (lots of evergreens) looked like they had been frosted and just before we left the sun came out and made everything sparkle. A great peacefulness filled me like it sometimes does out there.  I hope I can hang onto it for the week. I wish all of you a good week, snow, sun, whatever.

[laquinn]

I have been doing so good the past few days and all of a sudden tonight I just feel so bad. I guess with Christmas coming so soon it has  finally hit me Randy won't be here with us this year the first time in 27 years.

My middle grandson that is 3 was over tonight and he wanted to fight on my bed like papa and him used to do I couldn't do it. I started crying he said nana no cry all I could do was cry more.

Was so tired eailier and now can't sleep. So I guess I watch another movie on Lifetime till I get tired again.

Hope You all have a good week!

Lela

[missque]

I'm sick today (with a cold) normally Jer would be here to take care of me. It sucks without home here bringing me OJ and stuff. So I'm laying on the floor camped out with the Humidifyer and snuggled under his big comforter (his family let me keep it). So I'm laying here and my bunny (waffles) came up beside me and was snuggling with me while i pet him- than he started licking the blanket. He does it all the time I can't help go from being sad to laughing at him. I dunno - i got my bunny after jer died so its not like he's ever even met jeremy. I guess he has some kind of fettish for him haha.. He does it all the time too its werid. I guess theres some kind of smell he likes or something. Anyways everyone i tell about it laughs so i thought I'd bring a giggle to all you..

I envy all you who have a grave or some place to go too. All I have is the side of the road where the accident was. Which is fine i guess; I go there a lot- actually many people have (none of his family though) but the other guys faminly and friends. We leave flowers and stuff. But i wish there was somewhere. Jer was creamted and was to be sprinkled at a camping area his family and extended family went to every year. It hasn't been done yet but i want it to so at least i have somewhere else to go other than the side of the road. Somewhere quiet that i can go talk to him,..

Meliss

[amberi]

Well today is my b-day and a lonely one with out my Al but the kids are taking me out to dinner should be good. (boy do I need some good)

I broke my finger at work on fri. so now me and dale (my son) are both busted up. Cant believe how this year has constantly been bad. I keep hoping for the best but then something else always happens to make it bad. Cant quite think of what I did to have to go thru so much crap. I would havbe thought loosing Alex would have been enough but obviously some else has a different idea. just hope I can get thru it all and that at some point the bad stops and I get some good.

April - Im going in April to see john edwards! that is the closest time he will be out here. I too felt like it was a need to go or being pushed toward him. I cant wait I am nervous and excited but do wish it was sooner then later but oh well Im just glad I got tic. The one I am going to has 300 people. so it should be good

Hope you all are doing well today,

Take care all,

N in case I dont post again cuz we get a week of for work.

Happy Holidays and god bless, I will be thinking of you all,

Amber

[aprilmoonflower]

Happy Birthday Amber! I wish I were closer and we could do something fun!

missque- I hear you on the ash spreading thing. I would like a place to go to besides an empty lot (which is also someone property). but it is kind of nice to have that. the spot where he died is just 1 street over so I drive by it alot. sometimes I forget to even look..my kids always wave.

Lela- hope you are doing better today. I hate how those little things just hit you hard and fast. we all know EXACTLY how that is. (((Hugs)))

I have no idea what to do with DH. I still want to do the reef thing but my only reservation is the location. the one I chose (S. PAdre Island) was cancelled. the rest are all east coast and I don't know if I could be that far right now..though my plan was to do a cruise at the same time (out of galveston) but it would be doable in FL too.

I am planning a trip up the coast this summer (from Ventura-EUgene) and up highway 1. also will be going to the sierra nevada's. so I plan to spread some in various spots we loved and found together. there's so many I need to start a list actually. then we are going to a music festival (I plant o spread some there cause he LOVED this festival and we went many times) then on to Oregon. Hopefully we will get to meet up at the fair somewhere Anna! I am so excited for the fair. DH went many times and always wanted to take me. so it will be cool to take the kids!

I have waited so long to deal with the ashes because I really feel it's important my kids understand it and I want them to remember it.

still need to figure that whole thing out..I never in a million years would ever think I'd have to worry about my DH ashes and stuff. it squicks me out a bit. when I first got them I couldn't stop opening them to look. ugh! I had to put them away finally. (I know gross)

not sure if I will do John Edward or not. I think I want to. I think he will come through. but then I'm also afraid he won't..I don't want to get my hopes up for nothing! but then again wacthing that show always made me feel good in general. (haven't seen it in about 4.5 years as we don't do cable/dish and we are in the mtn's so there's no reception).

Anyway, I am going to ask my friends within the next day or two if they will babysit so it will likely be the deciding factor! if they say yes I am going to get the tix right away before I change my mind! lol.. not sure if I will go with anyone or not. I think I will need someone with me though!! th eonly person close though would be the one babysitting so that poses a problem! I will definitely lyk Dorothy! we could DEFINITELY have some fun in Phoenix! I know the city quite well too, as I used to live there. and I'd be kidless for the first time EVER!

otherwise it's finally warmer today! yay! I soooo hate cold weather! still didn't get to the cannoli's yet..we did get a little xmas tree though today. My son has been talking about it for weeks. just can't get it tooo soon as they dry up fast here in the desert. They both are napping so we will decorate it this evening. I'm sure they will take it all apart though.lol. (they are 2.5 and 3.5 and into EVERYTHING!) but it's a good stage. they are so cute..as well as best friends.

[missque]

Hey Naz- was back reading on the board to see if I had posted somethieng before and saw your lovely memoriums you had put in the paper. I did the same thing on the 1 year anivarsary of jer and i it had a lovely photo to go with it.

MATTHEW MACDONALD, Jeremiah - In loving memory of Jeremiah Matthew MacDonald, who passed away suddenly at the age of 23. Thinking of you today on what would have been our one year anniversary. You showed me what it was like to truly be in love and for that I will always be grateful. You were the best thing in my life and I''ll always love you. Thinking of you every day and missing you even more. Do you remember when...? nss!w! Love always, Your Melissa xoxoxo Every step I take, every move I make Every single day, every time I pray I''ll be missing you Thinking of the day when you went away What a life to take, what a bond to break I''ll be missing you.

I tried to see if i had posted this earlier and i cant remember (probably cuz i've posted it on so many other things lol) so i appoligize if i already did.

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below

with tiny lights like Heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so spectacular,

please wipe away the tear for I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear.

But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,

For is is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me,

I see the pain inside your heart.

But I am not so far away, we really aren't apart.

So be happy for me, dear ones, you know I hold you dear.

And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above,

I send you each a memory of my undying love.

After all, love is a gift more precious than pure gold.

It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do.

For I can't count the blessings or love

He has for each of you.

So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear.

Remember, I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

[aprilmoonflower]

I just talked to his mom and she is going to come for John Edward! (it's my oldest bday on the 4th too) I just emailed my friends to see if they can babysit! cross your fingers!!!!!

[armaiti]

Amber, Happy Birthday to you. And sorry you broke your finger too.  I know it's hard to have these days without our beloveds.  I spent mine last year with my close friend in Ashland, so that was good.

Melissa, sorry you are sick.  I know suggling with the animals helps a lot.  And Mckenzie, my kitten I tamed after Ishaq passed, has this thing about sleeping on his side of the bed, and she likes to snuggle up against the pillow with the picture of him on it.  She met him in the backyard, but she never lived in the house until after he had crossed over.

April, I'm excited you are coming to Oregon and the OCF next summer.  I honestly don't know how much I'll be involved with it next year, the whole politics around the planning and all the meetings are just too much hassle.  I'll most likely go one day, though, if only to see friends.  We'll stay on touch about it - hopefully it would work for you and the kids to stay here at my house, and the free bus to the fair is just across the river from me at the mall, close enough to walk to.

I still have a lot of Ishaq's ashes, and I plan to always keep some so that when I die they can be mixed together and a tree planted over them in the ground, along with the ring I wear, the one I found in reality after he gave it to me in a dream visitation.  From time to time one of his friends, family or students will ask for some of his ashes, to take to a special place somewhere in the world, and we do a ceremony and I give them some ashes to take.  The place he passed about 45 minutes away, and right now that part of the riverbank is completely underwater, so I can only visit it in the summer.  It's a beautiful place though.  Here's a picture I took of it.  The rock is called Jumping Rock, there's a deep pool around it.  He was in the little pool that's kind of below the part of the rock with the logs on it. 

Blessings everyone,

Anna

[airymoon]

missque

after kurt died a male black cat showed up at our door in a rain storm. we brought him in for the night and then put him out for two days to try and get him to go home but he wouldnt leave. so he bacame ours and the funny thing was he did a lot of things kurt did. he  slept in his favorit place on the couch and he would sleep so sound that he would fall off the couch (kurt never fell off but we could do anything we wanted to him and he wouldn't wake up We started joking and saying he was kurt reincarnated.He had this really funny personality and would hide and jump out and attack the other cats and us and then run and hide again. Kurt loved to hide and jump out and scare us. He would lay with my daughter and my son and he seemed to know when they were haveing hard times. at night he would sleep with me. then about six months later he got hit by a car and was gone. i realized later that we were all dong bett by that time and that he made the days seem better. Now i wonder why he came into our lives during that time and was gone when we were better. Timing or something else? I had kurt cremated too. I dont talk to his ashes or feel much about them anymore. I have a picture that i really like of him its not his best picture but you can see he is trying so hard not to laugh. It was taken for work and they were supposed to be serious but he couldnt do it/ Anyway his eyes are so bright and alive and mischeivious that i feel like im talking to him. Thats where i go and what i do when i need to talk to him. sometimes i take the pic with me. You dont have to be where his body is to be with his spirit.

becky

[airymoon]

Anna- i have to say that the ring thing is really cool. ive been dreaming of kurt but i wake up before i want to and the dreams arent making sense all jumbled up and confusing.I also want to say that i think ishaq was really blessed to have died in such a beautiful and peaceful place. My husband died on the floor at his work and although he had friends nearby its not a place i can go visit or that i can look at and feel a sense of his spirit. I do wonder sometimes if his spirit is stuck at work and i should just go in there and visit and bring it out with me. I know that seems silly but it is a feeling i have sometimes.

Becky

[missque]

I got my bun-bun from a friend i had met through jer. She was moving to another province and couldnt take him with her and was having a hard time finding him a home so i offered. Hes a bit of a nut case but its funny. I joke that Jer is here chasing him around cuz he will run back and forth like mad as if I were doing it. Not to mention the blanket fettish. Hes a dwarf bunny so he stays small which is nice and is very frendly. I'm happy to have him. All the stuff in my house with the exception of a few are brand new - so jer would have never been with them. But i do believe that animals can see people who have died so maybe it really is jer trying to make me laugh by making my bunny go nuts.

This is waffles taking a bath a few weeks ago- like dogs they malt really bad but bunnies can die from hairballs so u gotta make sure to keep them cleaned during the malting process.

[missque]

Becky- I've been having the same thing weird dreams all jumbled together. Recently  every few nights i have these dreams that I'm being evicted. A friend of mine found me this fantastic website i've been using a lot to make sense of my dreams. The evicition thing is summed up as To dream that you are being evicted, suggests that a present situation or relationship is making you feel helpless and powerless. You feel that you cannot fend for yourself and have a sense of not belonging. Alternatively, you believe that you are being unfairly treated

which really- makes a lot of sense given the situation.

I def. recomend you checking it out! the website is

http://www.dreammoods.com/

i have it bookmarked and use it all the time now.

[armaiti]

Melissa, your bunny is adorable! He looks so cute taking a bath.

Becky, I don't think your feelings about Kurt are silly at all.  I think we leave "imprints" of ourselves in lots of places, especially where we pass, and if you are feeling this, maybe you should do it.  Or even from home, you could light a candle and visualize the place, and just invite Kurt's spirit to come home.  I am grateful that Ishaq passed in this beautiful place; he was so at home in the out of doors, and especially in the water. 

About the dreams, there are some really good books on lucid dreaming and dream recall by a man named Stephen Laberge.  He's done a lot of research on dreams. 

Blessings,

Anna

[aprilmoonflower]

my friends said yes! woohoo! I will get the tix tomorrow before I change my mind!

we just decorated our little tree. and it is little. it's a rosemary bush actually (potted) we get these every year since DH died. then plant them. it's the only plant my goats don't eat too! lol.

anyway,  the kids just got soooo excited over the lights. too cute!  they won't stop touching them though which is a problem considering they have lead in them!!! ackk!

we are watching The Christmas Story now and I'm off to finally bake those cookies.. I have no clue where the ornaments and stockings are though. lost in a box somewhere inmy garage! hopefully I can find them. I would hate to have to go shop this week..DS has gotten into most of his presents fromme anyhow though. (and DD's too!) he's such a little hound and sniffs them right out. I swear I have no where to hide stuff!

it's weird because before DH died we didn't do hardly a thing for xmas. (but we usually went to SF for New Years!) but now, now I feel like I HAVE to for the kids! (even if I don't want to) whiiiiiine!

Melissa- your bunny is SO cute!!!!

Becky- that is so cool about the cat. makes you wonder, huh?

Anna- yeah I hear the whole organizing is another whole world unto itself for the fair! I know several people who have vended there over the years. I can't wait! do you know where there is good camping nearby? I am not sure what we will be doing if our friends come with. they are headed to portland though at that point so not sure if they will even go as of yet. anyway, I will chat with you more in email about that later!

[missque]

bacafly- good luck on your adventure back to what everyone else calls 'normal' i hope things go well for you and you find peace.

will miss u on here

Meliss

[mishknit]

oh you all....

so much going on here in the weekend i was off the bb!

trips and bunnies and john edwards and..lol!

our lives are very full, aren't they? even tho we feel so lonely and lost sometimes without our loves, life keeps moving ahead, with or without us, i guess.

i have no news..but i did color my hair tonite, the same color i've used for a long time, and it is, as my son says "so punk!!" omg...it is a color of red that i've never seen before! perfect,eh? just before the holidays! lol !!!!!! i'm going to see my hairdresser tomorrow..she doesn't want tips for christmas, just toys to donate, so i have some to drop off. thank god! maybe she can save me!

i wish i could go to oregon too...

april, tom is scattered up and down the coast too...it's so beautiful on highway 1. Now, I think you said you were going to start in ventura..are you going there for a visit and then on up the coast? if that's the case...i can drive to ventura in about an hour, a little less....keep me posted. If it's posssible, i'll come say hi and see those little ones you're so proud of!

anyway...

peace,

(from the WAY redheaded) michele

[airymoon]

bacca- good luck iwill miss reading your post. come back any time you feel like it and if its too hard to read and you just want to post than do it that way.Bye just remember we will be here if you need us.

becky

[armaiti]

Bacafly, you are always in my thoughts and prayers, and I wish for you all the happiness in the world.  Come and check in and just let us know how you are doing sometimes!

Blessings,

Anna

[amberi]

April- Alex is scattered in the Pacific coast out of monterey, it is so beutiful and it is where him and our son Dale fished every weekend. I know your not coming down this far but if you ever find yourself down this way Im here. you can always come visit. I feel like I know you so well due to our similar situations. I hope you are good. I was worried about doing his ashes but once I did them I felt so much better.

Bacafly- I will miss you too, n I understand your feelings I think thats why I dont come here as much. I wish you well on your new journey.  Every door that closes a new one opens, I hope this door will open unto a stong pathway that leads you to healing your heart. Take care of you and be safe.

 

take care all,

amber

[missque]

It dawned on me today while I was doing my hair... something that I always knew but I don’t think it totally clicked completely. On May 16th Jer went out with his friend, rolled their car, they flew out and died.. it sounds so silly to say because for the past 7 months I’ve known this but I think this is the first time it really clicked that he’s not coming back ever again and I have no idea what to do without him. I think every day I’ve just kept telling myself he'll be back maybe tomorrow. But he’s never coming back and ill never get to hug him or kiss him or tell how much I love him. His dad asked me to meet him on Thurs for lunch (his treat). I needed to meet up with him at some point to give him Christmas gifts but he opted for lunch. I don’t know how this is gonna go- I mean it will go well but in terms of emotions it’s hard to say. So close to Christmas and without Jeremy yet it still feels like yesterday. I keep picturing him laying helpless in the coffin wishing there was something I could say or do to make him come back. I just feel so lost and broken. Like im in the middle of no where and I don’t know how to get out. Even the little things are so hard I just don’t know what to do anymore.

 

I’m going out with a friend for dinner…. Well mostly drinks and appetizers lol. Maybe getting out of the house with a friend will make me feel better… so far im gonna have to re-do my makeup cuz its all over my face now.

[armaiti]

Meliss, I know what you mean about the makeup!  I should probably have been in a study for "tear-proof makeup".  I finally found an eyeliner I can wear that doesn't come off and a mascara too - both Chanel - the only thing that seems to stay on.  I gave up on makeup for the first few months, I didn't even feel like putting any on.

I hope your lunch goes well, and getting out tonight sounds like a good idea.  I braved the crowds because I ran out of wrapping paper for Ishaq's kid's presents, but I got home quickly, it's nasty out there - both weather wise and with people zipping around in the parking lot it's nuts. 

I've been feeling down today because Ishaq's family are all gathered together back east for his sister's birthday today.  I didn't fly back this year, as we weren't going to do a big gathering this year, they were just doing a small one for the birthday.  But I miss them and wish I was there.  At least I'll see my son and daughter in law on Thursday.

Blessings,

Anna

[Error username not found]

 

 

[missque]

Bacafly- I do try to think that that hes around me some how but it doesnt always fill that void. I do the same thing though- think about it in such detail that I break down. I picture everything from the funeral and how he looked, to the accident and trying to piece it together. Knowin that they were both thrown i can't help but picture that in my mind. I guess cuz I saw the news report less than 30 min after i was told he died. So I know what the truck looked like and I know what I've been told. I guess its just the feeling of wanting to know every single thing about it to make sense of something that doesnt make sense at all. A friend of mine has a lot of connections- and we were able to find out a lot more about the accident that is confidential and I need that. I have this need that I have to know every single thing. It makes me feel crazy in a way I just want these thoughts and visuals to get out of my mind but I cant help it.

I hope I didnt drag you back here with my comments and that you are doing well.

Melissa

[carlac]

On July 7th 2007 I lost the love of my life to pancreatic cancer. Paul fought a hard 15 month battle but the cancer won out. I have a great support system as well as a great friend who also writes on this board. Lela lost her husband Randy to cancer also and there are many nights that we talk on the phone about how much we miss our spouses. I hope to talk to many of you who are going thru what Lela and I  are.   Carla

[armaiti]

Carla, I am so sorry for your loss.  It's been just over sixteen months since my partner, Ishaq, crossed over.  Coming here really has helped me, being able to find other people who know what I'm feeling and who can relate.

Be gentle with yourself, these first holidays without our partners are very hard - and the second ones, I'm finding, are also hard.

Blessings,

Anna

[rodless]

Carla, there's no better therapy than a friend you can talk to. This board is great and has helped me a lot, but there's just something about talking in person.... voice inflections and the chance to immediately restate things make a lot of difference in communication. So keep talking to Lela and you'll help each other temendously. I'm lucky to be part of a group, a mix of widowed and divorced women. We all are roughly the same age and understand the feelings of being alone and losing someone we loved. I can't begin to say what a difference that has made in the past year to have friends to talk honestly to without all the fakey social chitchat. I do that all day at work....ugh.

And be sure to keep "talking" to us here, too! It will really help the healing process. Mary Jo 

[aprilmoonflower]

carla- I hope you can find some peace here. we all know how rough those early months are. (((hugs)))

my friend is dying right now. she likely won't make it through tonight. I'm so so sad.

maryjo- is that a real dog!?! so cute!!!

 

amber- thanks of thinking of me. need to send you email soon. I've been so bad with email lately! sorry!

baca- I'm glad you aren't leaving for good.

melissa- I used to think ALOT about my DH accident/ from the way he looked and was positioned in the car though the whole cremation and everything. I think it's totally normal. I do wish I was told I could be present for the cremation. It really bothers me now I was not there..even more so than him dying all alone. as far as car accidents go his was pretty minor. which is good I guess. it wasn't gruesome anyway. I still drive my car in fact. and he didn't suffer as it was pretty quick. but he did live awhile. (maybe 5-10 min) which saddens me he was all alone..but like I say I am more bothered I couldn't be there for the cremation. I have no idea why though. it just seems like it was all so impersonal. I feel I deserted him in a way there. but I wasn't even given the option either. which hurts cause I'll never get it back.

[missque]

April- We were told by many people (the cop, paramedics, and funeral person who picks up the body) that they both died right away. We dont know if they were wearing their seatbelts or not- the truck was too recked to tell- when i saw it on the news that morning i thought it was his other friend because it looked like a car not a truck. Regardles, they said either set belt or no set belt they would have both died. I had found out after that his whole chest had been crushed and thats how he died. It so hard for me just cuz if u had of looked at him in the caskit you wouild have never known there was something wrong he looked perfect like he always did and yet after my car accident i was banged all over my face. he only had 1 bruse and it was on his leg- no cuts or anything. my only theory is that he rolled out as the truck was flipping. I dont know if he's been cremated yet or not but his frend and i assume not. We asked his younger brothers girlfriend if she knew and she said she wasnt sure. We assume by that it hasnt happened yet because she'd be aware of it since his brother would probably be a mess. Either that or they just havent sprinkled yet. It makes me feel better i guess that neither one of them suffered but its still really hard for me to know that I wasnt there with him when i should have been- i was supposed to be in that car. If we hadn't of gotten in a fight things could be completly different- odds are we would have went home and the truck would have never gone out that night.

I had read in a grief book a while ago that the reason some people (like me) need to know every single detail about it from how many cuts were on them to how it could have happened etc. is because we have been tossed into such a surreal thing that we have no control over that our bodies natural responce is to create control by learning as much as we can about it. I've re-traced the accident from the spot they rolled to the spot they landed a million times to find something anything... I've found a few things- the name plate for the car Silveraudo, a peice of tire with the bar number of the truck on it.. i dont know what im looking for when i go i guess just something...

On another note- the christmas gift i had ordered for his mom FINALLY came in today and im excited it turned out great. Its refered to as a family ring where u put in the birth stones of people. i put in me jer her husband, son, other son and his gf and engraved in it is I love you... I wanted to give her something special that she can take with her wherever and have not only jeremy with her but all of us that love her (in differentways) and so she can always remember that we all care about her and are always around her be it in human or spirit. I hope she likes it

[rodless]

Missque, I'm so sorry you're struggling with all those images.  I was with my husband when he died and it took me a long long time to get that picture of him out of my head. Not sure what would be worse, not knowing or knowing too much. I hope you can find peace with it all.

April, yep, real dog.....the true love of Rod's life. She was listed in the obit at the end of the survivors as "his beloved scottish terrier, Niki." They weren't parted easily or often. She had a rough time during his last hospitalization because he was missing and while he was home on Hospice because he didn't smell or sound right. Funny how animals can be so sensitive.

[mishknit]

carla... welcome to a place noone wants to be, but thank god we have it. the early months suck, and this is a great place to talk about it.

april...your comments about cremation really struck me. i saw tom at the hospital, and then again at the crematorium. I fully intenededd to sit in the room as they cremated him....i spent time with him before, and am grateful for that.he looked so beautiful and perfect and peaceful, unlike at the hospital, which was stressful and awful. But, it was so hard for me to leave him and give them the go ahead to put his body in the fire, and then, i sat there, and smoke started to come out (I am SO sorry if i'm freaking anyone out!)..and i just had to leave, i couldn';t stand it. i stayed outside, but could not stay in the room..sometimes i regret it, feel guilty that i couldn't do it, but i am grateful that i was able to see him again...that's the image of him i have in my mind.

finished wrapping presents tonite....my heart is so NOT in the holiday this year.

Big sigh,

peace,

michele

[aprilmoonflower]

michele- thanks for the thoughts. it doesn't bother me in the least. I used to play in a mortuary when I was a kid.lol. (Ok myabe not so funny) but i learned alot there (no they didn't do creamations- maybe that is why I am fascinated) anyway I have a hard time with that whole aspect. I guess it is kind of like I should have been there to help him along. But i wasn't even given th eoption either. I was going to go see his body 2 days before, but then decided at the last minute not to (strong feeling I shouldn't cause I didn't want to remember him that way-a bunch of others went though including my parents to the veiwing) I am fine with that part oddly enough..we said our goodbyes the night he died (THANKFULLY!) so no regrets there. but not the cremation..and then the way I got his ashes back I have no idea even if it is my husband in that box. symbolically though it is. I won't ever know for sure though. it drives me nuts.

and then there is the autopsy. I would have NEVER consented to it. even under the circumstances. I just don't feel it was right at all to do that.. but the coronor did it. I guess it was part of the investigation. I am not sure at all. it didn't give us anymore info though which I think is a waste. I am not sure how the police have more right than me his next of kin. sigh. it seems I have had NO rights at all in any of it. I just give up.

mary jo- what a cutie! I read something once that was a study where they were using dogs to detect cancer in humans.it was amazing..

melissa- I don't know about Ca. but here ANYONE can get the accident/police reports. (not sure about autopsy) anyway it's public record. maybe that is something to look into if it will bring you more closure..

[armaiti]

My friend Nurjamila and I dressed Ishaq for his cremation, but I didn't go for the actual cremation part.   I remember Nurjamila asking me if I planned on dressing him and I told her how I'd never seen a human after they had left their body before.   I've avoided funerals and the only one I went to was a pretty new age type one, with the girl in a plain pine box,closed.  Nurjamila (she's the ER nurse) told me he'd be cold to the touch,but he'd look like him and not be stiff, and we went together and we dressed him and did ceremony with him.  I'm so glad I did that.  The energy totally shifted and I no longer had my last vision of him as the body in the hospital with tubes, but dressed in one of his favorite tie dye tee shirts, jeans and barefoot.  He had to wear orthotic shoes because of his diabetes and he hated them.  He had flowers and pictures and prayers beads, even a few blueberries, which he loved. 

The day I picked up his ashes I went into the garden to divide them - most would go to his dad, I kept some in an alderwood box, and the rest in a buckskin medicine pouch, those were the ones for friends and students to take and scatter in special places all over the world.  The ashes were still warm and I felt like he was still warming me with what was left of his body.  I'd told my neighbor's daughter what I was doing so they wouldn't come out in the middle of the ceremny, and when I was done I went to tell her.  She told me she had a dream the night before - the night of the day he was cremated - and he looked happy and relaxed, and he was wearing a tie dye shirt and jeans and he was barefoot.  I'm sure I hadn't told her how we had dressed him or anything!  She said she and a friend told him how sorry they were he had died, and he smiled and said that everything was ok.

Wow, sorry this is so long, the memories just came flooding back about that day...the sun, the tomatoes in the garden, the osprey that circled overhead when I was done - all so vivid. 

April, I'm so sorry about your friend too.  My heart goes out to you and to her family...I always think so much of the ones left behind now when someone leaves their body...

Blessings,

Anna

[aprilmoonflower]

Happy Solstice everyone!!!!

 

If my ulcer wasn't bother me so much atm, I might open one of those wedding wines later Anna!

[aprilmoonflower]

btw my friend passed last evening..so sad. it had only beeen 2 months tomorrow since she had learned her cancer had returned. so quick. but she was in soooo much pain too. so I am glad she is free of that. I think it fitting she went on the eve of the solstice too.

[amberi]

April- Thinking of you, and your friends family. I know this is hard especially when your still grieving your own loss. When my ex shot himself last month It brought Alex all back. But I hope you are doing well. Tell her family about this board. I have been telling everyone. Take care of you and sending you lots of prayers, streangth and ((((( BIG HUGS)))))))).

I am out of here till the 3rd of Jan. Hope you all have a good holiday and Happy New year. It is my first with out Alex and I hope I can handle it. It was 7mo this week man how time is in one way flying in another its is slow. My thoughts and prayers are with you all.

To all the new memebers of this sad club, it is a blessing club that helps us all. Welcome ( sounds odd, but I hope you understand)

 

Take care all,

Love Amber

[armaiti]

Wishing you all the blessings of Solstice and the returning light...

I'm sitting here with pounds of cookies left over from last night's class and also three pounds of fudge from my friend in California...The sun has been out today, and the clouds in the west are purple, lavender and pink. 

Blessings,

Anna

[armaiti]

Wishing you all the blessings of Solstice and the returning light...

I'm sitting here with pounds of cookies left over from last night's class and also three pounds of fudge from my friend in California...The sun has been out today, and the clouds in the west are purple, lavender and pink. 

Blessings,

Anna

[laquinn]

Today has been the hardest day that I have had in awhile. I woke up today crying and I still am. I don't know what is wrong today I went to the cemetery before I went to work thinking if I went and talked to him I would be ok....not. I got to work and they all wanted to know what was wrong and all I could tell them was I was having a bad day. Have you ever tried to cook and cry at the same time (just alittle extra flavoring). Everything I tried to do just didn't go right I think I tossed more in the trash than I served.

Today it has been 10 weeks since Randy left me and today I feel like it's the first day.I miss him so much that at times today I found it hard to breath and then to drive home that was a real trip.

Lela 

[aprilmoonflower]

oh honey 10 weeks is soooo hard. (((hugs))) if it helps just tell yourself it can't get any worse than this. that always helped me get through stuff. just take it 5 minutes at a time.

[rodless]

Lela, I wish I could tell you that those feelings will go away. I know how hard it is to have that sharp sharp pain and not be able to think of anything else. All you can do is get through the best you can and as time goes on you'll learn ways to better cope when it hits again. I am so sorry...I wish I could do more. Maybe it will help just to know others understand because they have been there. Mary Jo

[rodless]

Anna, the blessing of the returning light....thank you!

A nearby Methodist church holds a Blue Christmas service each year for those who are stuggling to face Christmas because of grief or other problems. A newspaper article said it is deliberately timed to be on or as near as possible to the solstice due to the symbolism of light taking over darkness as Baby Jesus (the light of the world) is born. I know that is not your way of belief but I thought it was a wonderful thought for those of us who are Christians. It hit home as a awesome way for me to celebrate both Christmas and the solstice.

[armaiti]

Mary Jo:  You are so welcome!  As Sufis, we do honor Jesus as one of the many messengers in the world.  In one of our zikrs we sing the names of the prophets, male and female, who have shed light in the darkness throughout time, and we sing his Aramaic name "Isa" and "Ruh Allah" - or Isa who is the breath of God. 

Tonight I saw Ishaq's son Shems, and Shem's wife Crystal.  It was lovely to see them.  I passed on several of Ishaq's sacred items, and also the Bible that had belonged to Shem's great-grandfather, who started a church in Texas in the mid 1800's.  It seemed very appropriate to be doing this on Solstice night.  I'm going to do my own little ceremony here in a while, and I will keep all of you in my prayers.

Lela, I'm so sorry you had such a hard day. It is so early for you.  Be gentle with yourself, this is a hard time anyway and then the holidays on top of it.

April,  I'm so sorry about your friend passing.  May the wind carry her spirit gently into her next great journey.

Blessings,

Anna

[mishknit]

mary jo...

i just returned froma "longest night" service..always on the solstice, and basically the same as the blue Christmas service you mentioned.

I almost didn't go, i was curled up in bed..so sad today. then i thought it might make me feel better, but it really didn't. I screamed on the drive home in the car...just like i used to. i guess the good thing is that it stopped, when , in the early days, it would just rack me for what seemed like hours.

my faith just doesn';t help..obviously i don;'t have enough. i am still pissed off at god...you'd think i'd get over it, but....

lela, hang in there, andyou too april,. i am so sorry about your friend.

this is such a hard road to be on, i am grateful that there aare others here to travel with.

and anna.....lucky for me i'm not around that fudge right now..but then, i just poured myself a stiff shot of jack...many different kinds of poisen, and tonite they all sound good to me!

HUGE sigh,

BIG hugs,

peace,

Michele

[rodless]

My poison of choice seems to be sugar cookies....can't have enough especially with frosting and sprinkles. And I've found a cheap blackberry merlot that calls my name probably more than it should with my blood pressure medicine.

Michele, I'm so sorry. It's such a blow when something like that happens because we expect to be better after time passes.  I haven't been to church very much since Rod died although I do weekly meditation/prayer sessions for the teachers of our youth program and lead the Bible study for a women's group. I get so distracted watching people and their actions when sitting in a congregation.... I do better with music (love that old southern gospel stuff believe it or not), reading, talking to friends and tv preachers once in awhile. Whatever works I guess.

April, I am sorry about your friend. Too much cancer. Sometimes I think it's not so much a matter of if as it is when and where. The area I live in supposedly has fallout from years ago and I know the farm chemicals are a danger. In our small town it's amazing the number of people I know who are battling it.

My dog is moaning at me....telling me it's bedtime and she wants up on the bed so I suppose I'd better try to get some sleep. That's not been going well this week. Can't get to sleep, wild dreams and then can't get up and going in the morning. To quote Michele, big huge sigh.... Mary Jo

[missque]

Things have been really hard the last few days... i honestly dont think im gonna make it through christmas; than again i havent even decided 100% if ill even go home for christmas. jeremys dad made me promise him i would but i dunno yet.. its getting to be so hard lately.. not to mention i seem to have miss placed my anxiety/depression meds which is probably why ive been crying a lot more than normally lately. I went on them a year ago for anxiety but they also work for depression so its kinda killing 2 birds with 1 stone now... if only i could find them i might feel better :S.. at least i have tomorrow to look forward too an entire day with my friends and jers god son..ive become obsesed with the song Lost by Michael buble the lyrics are perfect heres the link if ur interested http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/michaelbuble/lost.html .. its def 4am right now and im still awake supposed to o out for breaky tomorrow with them to start our day of fun lol god im gonna be so tired

[lindat]

Oh Michele, I would have loved to join you and Jack, afraid a shot would not be enough though.  I had a glass of wine last night and didn't want to stop, but I did.   I don't drink anymore because my little voice that says when enough is enough, now begs for more no matter how much I've had.   At some point I realized that it was just too easy of an answer, but no answer at all in the final analysis.  

April, I am so sorry about your friend - I don't know what else to say.  This disease sucks for everyone - it is so hard to see the sadness and fear on the faces of the ones that I love so much.  

I have been reading every day, but either too tired or emotional to post.  Sometimes I feel as though I am in the wrong place because my life is so different now, but I would miss all of you guys so much if I left.   I value your support more than you will ever know.

I had appts with the chemo doctor and the radiation doctors this week.  I don't want to do any of it, but they are recommending all of it.  The radiation doctor informed me that since my lump is on the left side, I need to be aware of lung and heart damage from the radiation.  Since I have a friend that had heart damage from radiation, I already knew of the dangers - THIS REALLY SUCKS!!!  However, radiation is automatic and every day for 6 weeks.  Chemo is the killer - they want to start that right after surgery.  I will wait to see if it has spread to the lymph nodes before I make my decision, but they tell me that I am foolish not to do the chemo, no matter what the risk.  Jim doesn't want me to do any of it, he thinks the risk is too great - he will support me no matter what I choose, but he is scared and I hate that, he should only have to worry about getting himself well and he is focused on me.  Since my focus has been on getting him better after his surgery, I totally understand the dilema. 

I still miss Terry every day - he loved the holidays so much, he was like a kid.  The last Christmas that we had after Katrina, he wanted a Christmas Tree so bad.  I wouldn't let him have it because we had lost everything and it seemed silly to start replacing that first.  Besides all of our stuff had to fit in the car and we were running out of space.  I wish I had given him his tree - he died 3 weeks later on Jan 17.  I start chemo on Jan 17 - if I agree to do it.  Terry would have been so lost with all this.

Losing Terry was harder than this, but this is really hard.  Jim and I have realized that we are just friends, but he has been my rock.   He holds me when I cry and tells me to cry harder.  I can only really cry hard in the car, alone.   Because I do the alumni website, I have literally hundreds of people praying for me, it can't hurt but the faith just isn't there for me.   The other night Jim said that it has only been 4 months since I arrived here and so much has happened in such a short time that it was the most stressful 4 months of his life.  I said it was the 2nd most stressful 4 months of mine.   Katrina hit in August of 05 and I arrived here in August.  I start chemo on Jan 17th and Terry died on Jan 17th.   It is all so bizarre.   I was diagnosed with breast cancer 3 days before Jim's prostate cancer surgery last month and it has been nonstop stress and sometimes terror, since then.   I feel like I am plastered to that huge snowball rolling down the mountain faster and faster.  

My daughter and the grandkids arrived from MS last night and we stayed up late talking - she seems relieved that I can still talk and laugh normally.   I know when to put on the "I'm doing fine act" - I have to do it with my mom.  They are still sleeping and I have to get ready for work soon.   I find it amazing that I can go to work and smile and wait on people, but I do and I am proud of me .

You are all in my prayers, I DO pray - just in case.  I hope we all find some peace today.

Linda

[aprilmoonflower]

Linda- you ARE amazing. breast cancer is so beatable now days. I have no doubts you will beat this. you have to remember that! it's not a death sentance like just 15-20 years ago either.

My friend had a very rare aggressive form of breast cancer from what I know..her sis died from it in June as well. so it's been a long struggle for this family. there are 4 young children between them (1 w/ special needs) and one who is 3 months old.

maryjo-yum! love me some blackberry merlot!!! unfortunately I am only able to have 1 glass. sooo not worth opening a whole bottle of wine for. I still buy wine too and it just sits on the rack until company comes. at least I always have a variety for folks.lol.

[rodless]

Missque, if your med is paxil that's definitely part of the crying all the time. Been there, done that. I hope things will be a little better soon. I have found anticipation of a day is usually much worse than the day itself.

Linda, I am so sorry you are going through this.  If is helps...my mom had horrible chemo 12 years ago but she's been clean since so it can be worth it. Positive thoughts and prayers are heading your way!

I don't drink more than one glass of wine at a time either and not even every day, but sometimes it helps me relax enough to go to sleep. The wine thing is kind of new to me. Rod was a recovered alcoholic but when I'd get wound up over work, he'd say put your coat on and we'd go out so I could have a Smith & Kearns. He'd drink an O'Douls and it was always a special fun thing. Gosh, that was something I hadn't thought of before....just another thing to miss and I do miss that man terribly.

Hope all can have a good day. Mary Jo

[armaiti]

Hi everyone.  Well, it's raining again - and it's not supposed to let up for the rest of the week.  It's really dark and nasty out, I'm glad I have groceries and all here and don't have to go out for anything much this weekend. 

Tomorrow I have rehearsal with our band and Monday we play at the Holiday Market.  It will be my last gig with them.  I'm feeling I need to do some different things, and it's getting too hard to be in a band that Ishaq was in with me too. 

Linda, I'm keeping you in my prayers, always.  You've had so much happen to you these last years, I'm so sorry you have to go through this all now.

Missque and Michele, I'm so sorry also that you are having such hard times. 

Mary Jo, I love wines, I grew up in the Napa Valley and here in Oregon the Willamette Valley is a large wine growing region, escepcially Pinot Noir.  Ishaq and I loved to go to wine tastings, we would always stop in at these little obscure wineries up in the hills.  I miss those trips together!

I also love to make Cosmopolitans, I've been told I made the best.  And in the summer I make margueritas with Agave nectar instead of sugar, blended with organic lime and lemon juice.  Ishaq could drink some alcohol, it was the sugar that was bad for him, so that way he could have one.

Oh, it is sooooo dark and nasty out!  I've got no plans for Christmas except to stay home and do a kind of retreat here.  Then New Year's Eve a bunch of us are gettng together at a friend's house for a potluck and hanging out, and a late night viewing of "Jewel of the Nile" (which ends with our favorite line by Danny deVito:  "Sufis Rule!") That's a fun movie, because the guy who plays the Jewel of the Nile, Abner the Eccentric, lived in Marin when Ishaq was there and married and had little kids, and Abner used to come to their birthday parties.  And the Flying Karamozov Brothers have been a part of the Oregon Country Fair practically forever.

April, as time gets closer we can talk about camping places and all - depending on who all is here camping out in my backyard is also a possibility.  Half the people in our complex are at the fair anyway all weekend.  There is also camping closer to the fair, so that you can walk to it.

Did you do anything for Solstice?

Blessings to everyone,

Anna