Loss of an Adult Child

[Tbearw58]

Nick service slide show

 

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=807918442567402&set=vb.100000477622671&type=3

Ok set to public now. I am doing ok considering its been 2 1/2 months I think the feelings are worse now than ever. I feel helpless and empty 

[SamDsmom]

Ted,

Thank you for sharing your slideshow of Nick. He seemed to be enjoying life, surrounded by family and friends. When Sam passed, It amazed me the outpouring from all the young people in the community. He was so loved. That is what I thought as I looked at the slide show. Nick was so loved! I can see the bond that you shared and can so understand your pain. I wish I could say some words that would ease this for all of us. Just keep coming back here and letting it out.

Debbie

[Tbearw58]

Tonight as I sit here at work I am over run with anxiety and hopelessness. I am missing Nick so much I am trying to make sense of this any way I can but nothing comes to help. I feel like I should run and run away I need to run away. But were would I go and I can not out run this it stays with me keeping up all the way.  I did not want to take medicine to sleep but after a month of only putting together 3 to 4 hours at a time then being up for hours and only able to sleep when I can go no further but I am finding even that is not making much difference. It seems worse now then ever this grief. Will it ever let go some or am I to live with this strangle hold for the rest of my life. I have yet to be able to look forward to the next day it only brings such emptiness and heart ache. I feel alone and afraid, tore from the joy of what life can bring. So much of my life was doing things with Nick things I love to do and things that he also love to do and was happy. I can not replace those things they were one of a kind. I can substitute others but it will not be as good like using balling wire to fix it and not the right parts. My life story goes like this now I should be retired I worked for 23 years toward a 30 and retired program and at 23 year they changed the benefit on me reducing my monthly by almost 3,000 and that is a lot. so instead of being comfortable and fully retired I have to work for the health insurance of 1200 per month because my wife has MS and needs a lot of care. Now when I can retire will be 5 years from now working the night shift oh such fun, and she may or may not be able to enjoy life at that point we do not know with MS so those plans are out the window and now with Nick being killed I do not have any help to take care of her. I will find someone else to help me but I guess. I am just venting and should not complain so much but it is hard not to. Like I always say to those complaining. I use to complain I had no shoes until I met a man with no feet. 

[Jeff's Mom]

Wade I just read your post. Please try to hang on. I know that there are days that it seems impossible to imagine things will improve. Life can be very hard. I watched your slideshow. Thank you for sharing with us. Looking at Nick in those pictures it became clearly evident that he was a young guy that was living his life to the fullest...and enjoying it.  That red bike is just amazing. Absolutely love it! I struggled for ages as you are with that feeling of emptiness and panic at Jeff's absence. It came in waves that absolutely crushed the breath out of me. Today at four years down the road the loss and ache is still there, but I am no longer feeling that weight that brought me to my knees. I know you miss him. You always will...but he is still with you in spirit and you will see him again one day. I know that is not what you  want to hear right now. Unfortunately it is all we have to hold on to. That and each other. Just know that you have friends here that do care and understand what you are going through. (HUGS) to you and your wife. It must be very difficult for her as well. How is she doing? The issue of not sleeping is concerning. I would like to see you speak to your doc about this as it only makes your grieving even harder if you are exhausted. Please consider talking to him about it. Kate

[shorty16]

T bear,

You will not live with this strangle hold the rest of your life.

Right now, time is both your friend and enemy. All we have is time to think of what we lost, but as time goes on, the good memories will truly make us smile. The searing pain will leave us.

Hang on, time will heal us, but a lot of it.

I was there and I hold you up now.

Colleen, Brian's Mom 4 ever

[SamDsmom]

Ted,

Just a few weeks ago, I was right where you are. First, I want to say that for me the lack of sleep is devastating enough in itself. I didn't want to sleep. When I did I would wake up in a panic, not being able to breathe. Then once I caught my breath, I would remenber and it felt like someone hit me in the stomach with a sledge hammer. It still does this several times a week, especially when my husband drives at night and I try to sleep during the day. At first I didnt want to sleep because that meant that i was further from the memories. I know that probably sounds silly but I didn't want Sam to slip any further away. I still get like that which brings on panic.

Then, I quit coming here so much. I felt so selfish. I would read everyone's posts. So kind, caring, offering a little hope. They were establishing memorials, lighting candles and genuinely caring about each other. As hard as i tried i just didnt get it but i did feel like this was the only place that anyone understood. Today, I care about everyone here. I feel your pain as well as mine. Truely

There have been times that I would wake up and have to totally phisically resist the urge to just walk off, leave and go hide somewhere. We live in Kansas and one of the worst times was when we were in Washington state. It has been just a little longer for me than you. Please hang in there. I might feel that way again in the next minute, hour, or day. It comes and goes, but it gets different.

We are about 150 miles from home now. We are going to pick up my stepson and go to my exhusbands house for the Superbowl. This is a very hard day for me. I love feeling close to Sam there, but I am so conflicted about Max. He reminds me so much of Sam. It's just so hard. I love Max and we have always been close but it is hard.

Hang in the Ted. Can't tell you from my experience it gets better but it does get different minute by minute, day by day.

SAM I LOVE YOU. I MISS YOU WITH ALL MY HEART AND SOUL. I WILL BE CHEERING FOR THE SEAHAWKS TODAY. WATCHING COMMERCIALS AND THINKING ABOUT YOU.

[Jeff's Mom]

Dee, so glad to hear that your festival went well. The pics of little Eri are adorable. Just love her smile. What a little sweetheart! Also, hubby did an awesome job on building the beanbag boxes. He could go into business. Nicely done.

 

Sandy, I am sorry that your husband is struggling so. It must be very exhausting for you. Hope you are taking care of yourself as well.

 

Debbie, enjoy that a game today! Yes, I agree that the feeling of wanting to run from everything is something that most of us feel at one point or another. We can't run from ourselves. I did the same thing after I first joined the site. My MIL was diagnosed with terminal cancer just shortly after Jeff's death. it was too much for me to handle and so I drew away from the site and focused on her. In a way I was burying my grief and not facing it. After she died it was then that I crashed. It has to be faced head on.

 

Laurie, hope Christina will soon be feeling a bit better. Thinking of all of you.

 

Lora, if I know you your home is spic and span. Hope you can get outside today and enjoy the day off. Will your son be visiting any time soon?

 

It is another mild day today. We hope to go for a lovely hike along the trails and enjoy the fresh air. Love to all. Kate

[Mermaid Tears]

 

 

 

 

 

 

This will explain the 'why' ...

Why parents come to this site....not all of the reasons...but most....

As I have mentioned many times in my posts....I do not have a circle of friends that have lost a child around me....I NEED people in my life now....that have lost a child...and I don't have to write an essay for them to understand...WHAT I am feeling...WHERE I am...

parents on this site can read between every line I write....and I NEED that kind of empathy and understanding. That also explains WHY I return again and again to this site...

     I also come back to reach out to the parents that have just started the grief journey for their child...and for parents that have been on this journey for many years....and parents like me just starting the '2 year marker'....etc.....we each have unique situations...family dynamics...events...and many have very little support from family and friends...some have more.

   I think it is healthy to relate any small or large experience one is having...it may be work related...or family..or Dr. ...or health....car problems...

   Before our child passed....many of us could and would take some everyday situations in stride...we could balance it all and make it fit...get it to work out...figure out the problem...but when we deal with grief this deep....even an everyday walk around the block can trigger a very emotional downfall and we can't even handle a bad hair day.

  To the 'new' parents...grief is very, very heavy...it is very dark and one cannot see around it...it is like someone handing you a 1,000 lb. bag of black marbles and telling you to carry it 24/7.....even when you try to sleep....eat, work, sit, walk.....grief is the reason you cannot balance your life now.

  For me....in walking into my year 2 of my grief journey....I find...I can just balance..'somewhat' better the load of grief I carry....I still have no answers...no one can give me the 'why'....but I feel better when I come to this site...and know I am not alone...

my Grama use to say...'if there is one...there is some'.....so true....

[ericasmom]

Ted thanks for sharing your Boy in photos, so sweet. So many of those photos remind me of Erica as she grew up, the tball and softball photos, the prom and graduation shots, birthday parties, snowboarding trips...boy we miss our Babies for all of time, and right now your ache is stronger because I would guess, that a layer of shock that you did not even know was still covering your heart, has shed itself. For many, maybe most of us, somewhere around the 3 month mark was the first shed of grief. For many there were many other layers yet to shed, I guess for me, I feel that I had lost most of the shock by about 9 months. We do feel we make progress and we are making progress, the pain is not a set back, it is actually you going through grief, not being hurried, but walking through it day by day, hour by hour. WIth the added stress of your wife's illness and your retirement not in sight at this time, you sound to be feeling without hope. It must feel that there is nothing to look forward to, but hang on please Ted. Your Boy wants you to hang on because one day you will feel less hopeless, less lonely, you will find ways to fill your days with more, just not right now. Right now is the hardest time of your life Ted, we know. I stand here right now and promise you that one day it will be a softer day. First one has to travel the jagged sharp-edged times. I wish it was not so.

[ericasmom]

Thanks Kate, I told my husband what you said and he smiled. Yep, that Erica is a dolly, thanks.

Nice here today too, sunny and bright with snow but mild temps, normal temps in the mid-twenties.

 

[lovU2themoon]

Ted, my heart aches for you.

I cant offer much, as my journey is new, and still very painful.

 

I know i can only go one day without seeing my Lane, i can make it through THIS day. Sometimes i can only make it through this second, this minute.

I say to myself, I can make it through this minute, I only have to hold on for one minute.

 

Thinking any further this then THIS day, causes anxiety, great sadness. 

For now, the future is painful, and so is the past. I try to stay very much in THIS day. 

 

Grief lives in the past and the future,

i work through the pain of THIS day.

 

Keep coming here a writing your feeling and thoughts, I have found that having lost a child, the understanding is only in those that hold the same heart. Its not complaining, its not words that have not been written or said before, these people on this site understand, and help through the darkest days, without judgement. 

 

Thinking of you all.

Wanda

 

(i love you to the moon and back my sweet Lane)

[ericasmom]

Wanda, it is so good to see Lane's smiling face here today. I know that your sweet heart is aching, your advice to Ted is great, one moment at a time. I wish I could make it so that nobody ever need feel this pain, just hang on.

 

 

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Ted, I watched the video with your son, Nick...those are such precious memories...the sports machines and the open jeep...Jesse enjoyed those things with a passion...

 

The future we planned is suddenly changed...it is scary facing the unknown, what you thought was going to be is now so different...

 

I come here because this group of parents know what is is truly like in this journey...it has been easier sharing my son here...there is always someone that will respond with a kind word, we can speak our children's  name here as much as we want...

 

********************************

Dee, the bean bag auction looked like a success...your husband is the Bean Bag Master ...like Erica is always a joy to see...

 

********************************

Wanda, what you said is so true....very well spoken...

[wgreenlee]

Just ready to watch the Super Bowl...another memory not filled with Brooks.  Kinda hard weekend, but the work week starts tomorrow..yeh.  Never thought I'd say that.

 

Ted,

 

So wish I could be there and just sit and talk with you.  Wonderful video.  I watch Brooks' about once a week...can't do it more...but it does help even though I cry through the whole thing.  Releases that pent up emotion that we all deal with.  My buddy has three quads and he and I are constantly fixing them.  He invites me over to have something to do.  The steering column just bent on one of them this last week when his kid's friend flipped it.  We had to weld on it three times.  Broke twice cuz we didn't have the welder hot enough.  We're pretty new to the welding thing.  Finally got it right, though, and for only about $5.      You get pretty good when you have to redo something over and over.

 

We have an inservice day tomorrow so no kids.  That will be a blessing with everything going on now.  Then we'll see how the week goes.

 

Wishing everyone a peaceful evening!

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee....you and I both got to spend Saturday with GRANDchildren...Jesse brought his family here...Wyatt John started walking a month before his 1st birthday....he is everywhere...so there is 'nothing' that is head high to him that he can reach...Randa brought her family...and we had some friends...I made my 'Gumbo recipe' ...(handed down from my Grampa)...Daniel grilled dove breast...We lost a boy...and gained another...your Sweetheart was having a good time...and it shows....she just 'glistens' with your love and pride...

   Here it is Superbowl....and memories abound...bouncing off walls and straight to our hearts...

 

Wade...I know it was so hard....but I don't think the students or family could not have anybody better than you...to lead them on that sad, sad day....

 

Ted...be kind to yourself....you have just started this foreign journey...we don't have any answers on this site...but we are here to hear you....and you are not alone...or the only one....it is a hard..dark place for sure...we know...

 

Laurie....do you still have your 'nest'....I think many of the new ones would benefit from hearing about it....

 

 

My new 'little man'...Wyatt John....

[daveydow1]

Wade-----Thinking of you and wishing you peace & comfort, friend.

 

Wanda---You said ...."grief lives in the past and the future".  This is so true.

I used to think that I could somehow put the grief 'in the past', but of course

found out that I can't do that. It has been many years since my baby, Lisa,

died, and now 10 years since my son, Davey passed.  The feelings of missing

and sorrow stays with us. After a period of time, the grief 'softens', but it is

still with us because we love our children so. 

 

Susan----I agree with all that you wrote in your post. Thanks for posting.

 

 

Dee----

The pics are so very adorable.  Thanks.

 

Ted----The terrible grief and sorrow are evident in your post.  I know that you

miss Nick so very much.  I watched your slideshow....thanks for posting it. It's

plain to see that you had a very close and loving relationship with your dear son.

You had so many activities that you shared.  These are the memories that will

sustain you as time goes by.  Since it has been so very recent that you lost your

son, the memories can be like knives stabbing at you----I know,... but as time goes

on, they can become your treasures to draw from.  I'm sorry for your work situation

and your wife's health problems.  When I was early on this journey, and found BI,

after awhile it became a real lifeline for me.   I  hope that you can keep coming here to BI and

being with the people who truly understand.  Peace & prayers for strength, my friend.

 

WISHING PEACE  AND  COMFORT  FOR ALL  INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry  

[daveydow1]

This pic was taken about a year before David was killed.

[daveydow1]

Sorry.....I goofed the first try.....I'm still not much good at posting pics.  Sometimes

they post,....... sometime they don't.      My fault.

[lorismom]

Hi All,

Just stopping by to say hello as it's been a while since I've posted. I mostly just read these days. It's always a comfort to come to Beyond Indigo and read such caring and heartfelt words. The kindness that everyone shows one another is evident on this forum. For those that are so new to this journey, there will come a day when you will feel joy again. It's been almost 10 years since I lost my daughter, Lori, in a car accident. I didn't think I could ever get past the gut wrenching pain of losing her, but little by little the grief started to ease making room for better days when I could remember Lori and laugh at some of the silly things we used to do together. The pain of losing your child will never go away completely, but the intense grief will soften in time. May warm memories of your sweet child wrap around you like a cozy blanket and bring you comfort in the days ahead.

Peace and serenity to all......

Pat

[summergirl]

Hello my dear friends - so very long since I have been here. This weekend has been one filled with tears....I cannot seem to get it together no matter what I do, I know it is because it is February which takes me to the 18th, the day our Jessica left us - I cannot wrap my mind or heart around the fact that it will be 8 years - how can that possibly be true - how can it be 8 years since I heard her laughter, saw her smile, heard her voice, saw her walk through the door with that beautiful face saying "hey mama", tell me about the newest gossip among her and her friends, all the things I long for and will never have again.... Yes, it is softer but the pain as deep as ever washing over me like a tidal wave, bringing me to my knees, taking my breath away and leaving me broken.   I have no one to share this pain with except those here, those who saved my life, those who taught me how to keep moving forward one moment at a time, those who know, who walk beside me on this journey....hugs to each and every one of you.   One bright star in Feb is Tavian's birthday which is Feb 11, he will be 12 years old, almost a teen !! He is so excited and getting so tall and is so handsome - I have to look up at him now as he is above average tall and he thinks that is great.  I am not sure what we are doing yet as we let him decide but I am sure it will have something to do with "in-door go-carting and laser tag" - we went there 2 years ago and he and his 2 friends had a great time....whatever he decides I will make sure he is happy, it is his day and he deserves his mi-mi and pop-pop to be happy.

Too all who are new here I am so happy you have found this place but so heart-broken as to why you are here - I know that without this site I would not be who and where I am today - Prayers, Strength and Love...Jessica's mom always

 

My loves - Jessica and Tavian

 

 

 

 

[ericasmom]

Sherry, you are good at posting with this new computer, good for you. We get to see your Handsome Boy so thanks for posting his photo.

 

Susan, that baby is gorgeous. My goodness what a sweetie-pie.

 

Wade yes, the Super Bowl could be a trigger I know. Hey, those Sea Hawks won, I was rooting for them as I think that they are an amazingly talented group.

No students tomorrow, so good, an extra day for the students to find ways to deal with the loss of their Buddy.How is the family doing???

 

Kathy, good to see you though I know the pain of the upcoming birthday. I had a hard time with ERi's  birthday last April as it was the 10th without her right here. This April she would be turning 30. That just kind of kicks me in the stomach. I know what you mean, it is hard to fathom the time passing like this, but it does, it just does. Give Tavian a hug and tell him that I hope his birthday is wonderful.

 

[Tbearw58]

Thank you all for your words of hope. I just watch the superbowl add the Honda add with Bruce Willis made me cry very hard. Nick was killed in a car accident and when he said look around and see the ones you love I cant one is gone now wow did it hurt. But I will continue to post here and hope to help anyone else I can. Again thank you all

 

I love you Nick and miss you every day Love Dad

 

Thank you all again Nicks dad Ted

[Tbearw58]

New photos

The tree he hit and was killed there Whitney was his best friend she is heart broke also

 

The cross a freind named Ron made and put on the tree

 

 

Nick being the best dad for Alyssa birthday last summer in June

[JD99501]

Tbear,

An unbearable thing. I have yet to go back and be where my son passed away. I am afraid in case they tell me of strange things. That he has been around. I have to go some day. Bless your courage.

[Jeff's Mom]

Thanks to everyone for posting pics of your kids and grandies.

 

Kathy, oh my... where does the time go? Jessica had such beautiful hair.

 

Ted, your photos are really touching. It must be very hard for you to go there. 

 

Susan, Wyatt is a real little charmer. Love his argyle sweater. He has a smile to melt a grandmas heart. Love the photo of him sitting in the box. I remember a day when we used to make a train out of shoe boxes and they had a ball pulling them across the kitchen floor. Those were the days when they used their imagination. Picking stones up from the beach and coloring lady bugs and other insects. It kept them occupied and they loved it.

 

Sherry, David was a very handsome young man. Is the snow showing any signs of leaving yet?

 

We watched some of the Super Bowl yesterday, but I was disappointed as we can not get any of the fun adds. They throw in our own. I was hoping to see the one of the horse and the lab pup. Was it cute?

 

Our weather has warmed up considerably and I am hoping to spend a good portion of the day outside. We were able to go for a lovely long walk yesterday afternoon and it sure felt good to get out and stretch our legs. We are counting the days until spring arrives and we can shed this winter garb. 

 

Thinking of everyone day.  Kate

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Thank you Summer girl and Pat, Lori’s Mom for posting…and how ones further along are doing… where you are in your life...

 

I had read on another forum of a mom who lost two sons several years apart, the first one burned in an accident at age 12 and the other died also in a car accident…She mentioned after the second son died that it was just as painful, but different because of what she learned the first time. There was no way anyone was going to tell her how, when, where, and the why of grieving…

 

Wanda, that thought is so powerful…”Grief lives in the past and the future, I work through the pain of THIS day.” Love the profile picture…

 

Becky, are you doing okay? Thinking about you today...

 

Sherry, that is a handsome picture of your David, I really like it…thanks for sharing your son with us….I always appreciate your perspective and thoughts…

 

Carol, your post the other day was another step in this journey of life…I appreciate you are here…

 

SurrealI have been to Jesse’s Angel spot twice…that is all I can say about it…

 

Susan, loved the baby boy in the box…where ever do they sell them? =)

 

Wade, sending prayers for strength at work…

 

All, I have noticed some lapses in my thoughts lately so if something doesn’t  quite make sense, I think I may be struggling with being able to hold attention in my thoughts…

 

Found these articles that are a serial published in a UK paper by Penny Sartori. She is an intensive care nurse sharing her experiences...there are several articles by her, if you type her name in the search box on this paper the rest will show...

 

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2547714/Our-astonishing-near-death-stories-thousands-touched-thought-provoking-series-intensive-care-nurse.html

 

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2545668/Is-proof-near-death-experiences-ARE-real-Extraordinary-new-book-intensive-care-nurse-reveals-dramatic-evidence-says-banish-fear-dying.html

 

 

Gretchen, don’t know if you saw my post the other day for Forest, maybe got lost…but here it is again…

 

[Jeff's Mom]

Gretchen...thinking of you today as you remember Forest. I hope that your day is filled with many loving and happy memories of him. Love, kate

[SamDsmom]

Gretchen,

You and Forest are in my thoughts today. HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY FOREST!!!!! I can tell by your words and pictures how much you loved each other.

Debbie

[ericasmom]

BEAUTIFUL BOY---FOREST,

 

 

May you dance with all of the Angels today, singing your favorite tunes, flying in great sweeps and formations, may you cause a gentle breeze that let's your Momma and siblings know, you are there. May you cause an electrical funky moment so all the gammers know; Forest is in the house!

 

Blessed Birthday Lovely One

 

 

Gretchen, I am sending positive thoughts and energy your way in hopes that the sweet piece of bitter-sweet is surrounding your heart today.

[Mermaid Tears]

Laurie....I will have to check out what store is selling them....are you babysitting/caring for your GRANDson ? I wish I lived closer so I could have the day to day time with Wyatt John...thank you for sharing the info...will read later...how is your daughter doing ? You have certainly had many different layered issues to deal with lately.....

and with that said....I, too, seem to have the same problem with focus/memory/think process when I get overwhelmed with issues coming from many directions and from different people....it is like being in a tiny room that has 20 doors...and someone is coming in and out of each at the same time....you probably need to spend some time in your 'nest'...yesterday I had a very 'quiet' day....working on a photo collage and watching documentaries on Netflix....they have some good ones...I needed that 'quiet' day so very much...

 

Kate...are your roads cleared ? Does Ross have more appts. and tests coming up...how has his stamina been ? Yes...we paint rocks and stones, too....there must be a universal art that flows through parents....like the universal love...

 

Wade...am glad you get a break at work..without the students...what is the protocol when a student passes ? Always and always....the 'why'....the unanswered questions....and answered prayers...

 

Ted...thanks for sharing your photos...what a circle of love your Nick had....that was just 'love' in the creation of that cross...and how his daughter must be in so much confusion and hurt with her Daddy gone....does the Mom let you visit her or have her for just a day ? That would be a lot of healing for her and you and your wife. Please keep posting...letting us hear what you have to say/think/feel.....it is so very hard this grief journey.

 

Surreal...good to see/hear from you....how have you been ? Let us hear....we need the Dad's on here...

 

I figured this out many years ago....this is the dynamics of my marriage...

    Men/Dad want to 'fix' the problems...

     Women/Mom want to 'heal' the problems...

When John David passed....he could not 'fix' his passing...I could not 'heal' his passing....

   We lost our 'team work'....we lost our 'road map of our life trip'.....we lost our 'compass'....

[Mermaid Tears]

Gretchen....I hope you and yours can hold each other today...and find a place where you can gather to rejoice and remember your Forest...I applaud your stamina to gather family and friends so they can have a good time with laughter mingled with the tears...that takes a lot of Mama Love and courage...and you certainly have hugical amounts of that...

   Also...have been wanting to tell you that I hope you can find a fork in the road which will allow you to 'take some time' for yourself....please keep us informed.

 

  Laurie...I do so admire what you created for Forest and his Mom....magical...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Susan, yes I still watch my GRANDson pretty much full time...his first birthday is this Wednesday... I remember when others did graphics for Jesse, Shannon's was one...how much I treasured it...

 

Dee, you know the other day you mentioned Erica's birthday being in April, is her birth year then 1984? Because if it is, I did not realize that Jesse and her were so close in age...4 months apart...

 

The Birthday recognition meant so much to me...I was wondering if those who want this recognition could perhaps place this info on their profile somewhere??? It would then be readily available...

 

Back to Susan's post, the forgetfulness, struggling to hold on to details and feeling like I now have Alzheimers has just been awful lately...it is like I have a ton of mind fog...and I do not even realize sometimes the lack of clarity of thought until later...even my daughter has noticed this...

 

Tbear, the cross your friend made for your son speaks of love and honoring Nick's life...thank you for sharing...

[Sholl1955]

Gretchen,

I am thinking of you today and of Forest.   Praying that you feel his presence very near you today.

Sandy

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Gretchen, please know that you and Forest are in my thoughts today. I'm sending wishes for a day filled with love and precious memories and that you feel the touch of your amazing Son.

Forest, wrap your Mom, family, and friends in your love today. Let them feel your presence. Happy Heavely Birthday, Forest!

[Mermaid Tears]

Laurie....maybe we need to 'tap' you on your shoulder....and remind you to look back at the tracks you have been making since your SONshine boy passed....the miles and miles of the grief journey...and the 1,000 lb. bag of grief you are carrying...plus....all the issues you have had to deal with...the investigation...court dates...your son..your daughter...worry for your husband....the friends who are no longer in your circle...the changes that come from all the turmoil your family has had to deal with....and the one and simple and most important fact....you (and all of us) have been profoundly changed ....

and we wonder 'where are our minds'....and we wonder...'where did I leave myself at'...???

   I think many of us suffer from the mind fog...I feel like some days all I do is 'wander around my house'....or 'wander around in my mind'.....for I still have one foot in 'yesterday' and one foot in 'today'.....I guess in that we become so spread thin....we have too much on our minds...too much heaviness in our hearts...and too many questions that go around and around and around our thought processes....and never having an answer.

  I think you have done a stupendous job of keeping your family in a circle of love...not dropping the ball when it came to doing all the research and follow up and calls and letter writing about the investigation into Jesse's accident....not letting it go for one minute...til the 'wrong is turned into right'....that in itself is a very massive undertaking without the heartache and grief...you also deal with.

  You have been a 'super bright spot' on this site for sharing your knowledge and research in your reading and searching...and all of us have gained from that source of yours.

   Also....as with Shannon....she having to set aside her 'want' to go to bed and grieve....she has the 'needs' of her children...and now you have that situation, too....little ones keep us busy....it is another kind of 'caring' when the GRANDparent has to step in for that child...for I know many grandparents right here in Brenham that are raising their grandchild and grandchildren....they stepped right in...for the love of family. Their whole lives changed...their plans were torn up...thrown in the trash...and they had to rewrite their life story again....they tell me...'no..this is not what I wanted or planned for..but as long as they are healthy...they would never want their family raised by any other'....and I have really 'caught a lot of stories' on that subject. I so admire them.

[ericasmom]

RIGHT ON SUSAN< your words are 100% spot on. Laurie and others new here, listen to those words as they speak volumes...you are balancing life and lives along side loss and the weight of those changes and everyone's ache...be kind to you.

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee....how is your sister....and how about your nephew ?

[Jeff's Mom]

Laurie, as to the forgetfulness...we all do it. Sometimes it is just a sign of advancing years, or that we are too preoccupied with other things to focus intently on the matter at hand. Just yesterday I was in a hurry to get dinner ready as I was famished. Ross asked me why I was in such a hurry. I told him that as we had not eaten lunch I was famished. He stood there and stared at me. I had completely forgotten that we had indeed eaten our lunch earlier. Yikes! I honestly did not remember. I have been doing a lot of that lately. When one is stressed we find we can't retain things as we should. Everything just goes in one ear and out the other. I drew a total blank.

 

Susan, Ross is doing pretty well. Thanks for asking. Yes, the colonoscopy is in a week. He is also suffering from a significant amount of discomfort due to the neuropathy. I imagine that the cold we are having this winter has not helped one little bit. They tell us is it could take a year or two to completely clear up...or may be permanent. Time will tell. He has only broken a few plates when they have fallen out of his hand. Nothing major. Unfortunately he wakens at night with sharp pains in his toes and fingers. We do count our blessings when we think of how it could have gone otherwise. We are very thankful.

 

Even though the temps today are not too bad there is now a very chilly wind. It made for a very brisk walk. I don't think this winter will ever give up. Well, off to take Annie for her outing.

[Mermaid Tears]

Kate...even with the neuropathy...you are still in a better place than where ya'll were.....and that makes my heart smile....

hmmmm.....I never forget to eat....or forgot what I ate.....

and we got another cold front on Sunday....the winds are very brisk....if this keeps up...I will have to buy a different kind of clothing for winter....

[wgreenlee]

Forest...Forest...Forest...

 

Thinking of you today as you celebrate your birthday...

 

 

My favorite picture of Forest...jumping high...

 

Thinking of you, Gretchen, as you "celebrate" Forest's birthday...  Peace, prayers, and comfort flowing your way!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Mermaid Tears]

Philip Seymour Hoffman.....the world has people and places that discriminate...

but Drugs never discriminate....

the world and us lost a great talent....

on stage and screen....which will be saved for the ages....

[lorismom]

Gretchen,

Happy Birthday to your son, Forest! May you feel his beautiful spirit close to you today giving you comfort and peace.

Pat

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

and we wonder 'where are our minds'....and we wonder...'where did I leave myself at'...???

I think many of us suffer from the mind fog...I feel like some days all I do is 'wander around my house'....or 'wander around in my mind'.....for I still have one foot in 'yesterday' and one foot in 'today'.....I guess in that we become so spread thin....we have too much on our minds...too much heaviness in our hearts...and too many questions that go around and around and around our thought processes....and never having an answer.

Susan, there are probably so many on this site that can identify with what you wrote...there is a time that I think most need to have apart...a time of soul-searching, a time just to "be"...

I had to smile when Kate said she did not remember fixing and having lunch...so I am not the only one...

Lora, I was thinking of your brother today......how is he doing?

[daveydow1]

HAPPY  BELATED  BIRTHDAY,.......FOREST.

Gretchen.....Thinking of you, and wishing you peace.

 

 

Laurie-----

thanks for your kind words.  Also....I love the birthday graphic that you posted

for Forest's  birthday.....so beautiful and inspiring.

 

Pat----Good to see your post and Lori's lovely smile.

 

Kate-----thanks for your kind words about David's pic.  I like the pic, but he was shy, and

getting him to agree to have his pic taken wasn't easy.  He had a great smile, as is shone

in the avatar.  Yep----More snow tomorrow in the forecast.  I'm with you.......sick of all the

heavy winter clothing.....takes forever to get ready to go outside. I'll sure be glad to stow

them away for another season.  Glad that you got a  chance to take a nice long walk.

How is your husband doing?

 

Ted-----Thanks for the pics.  So nice that Nick's friend made the cross....he did a very

nice job.  I know it must mean a lot to you that he honored Nick in this way.  Also, love

the pic of Nick and little Alyssa.  I do so hope that you can continue to come here to BI,

because I believe that it may help you on this rough road.  We all understand the heartache

that you are in right now.  Peace & comfort, friend.

 

Dee-----I'm getting a slight bit better with this new computer, but still have a lot to learn, of course.

Posting a pic seems somewhat easier, but then something goes haywire sometimes.  I guess we've

all wrestled with some of the ins & outs here at BI, but we keep trying.  More snow in the forecast

for tomorrow......will winter ever end?  Oh well, I guess it's still Feb. so what can we expect ?.  No

January "thaw"  last month.  Radio said that Chicago has had 52 inches of snow this winter ! 

We're still feeding the birds, but there has not been many coming to eat. We believe it's due to all

the hawks that we've seen soaring around the back where all the big pines are at.

 

 

 PEACE   AND TRANQUILITY   TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

 

 

    Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry  

 

 

[ericasmom]

Susan, I was on the phone with my Sister when I read your inquiry of she and her Son. Not good I am afraid, and the Phillip Seymore death just makes her say things like, " see, it is forever once they do herioin," so she feels fairly hopeless. Now her boy is kind of on home arrest, he goes to and from work with his big brother and his pay is given to my sis. Who knows how much help rehab might be able to offer, though none when you don't go and when you don't buy into it. The beat goes on.

My other sis is super down as well, but since her issues are in the courts, I am unable to speak of them here on a public site. I love my Sisters, I would so like to know that they will feel good again.

 

Sherry, we too have had a big old hawk in the yard. Yesterday I saw a dark shadow out of the corner of my eye, later on there on the telephone lines sat a huge hawk, maybe a Coopers maybe a Sharp Shinned---don't know but obviously this weather is making him hunt outside of the forests and fields. The birds were quiet yesterday once he showed.

 

Pat, so good to see the beautiful smile on your Daughter's face the other day and again today. It was nice to read your encouraging words for those struggling so. I am glad that you feel hope in your life again---what are you up to?

 

[Tbearw58]

Happy Birthday to Forrest even though its late prayer to you Wade

[Mermaid Tears]

Ted...TBear....in all your hurt...your pain....you still have enough empathy to reach out to others...I think we all see the big heart...and also...the big heart you shared with your Nick....to make him into the loving caring man he became....

   and...he still is....none is lost...none of the love..the caring...no....not ever....and you still have all that you gave and shared...to create that amazing loving SONshine boy of yours.....

 

Dee....it is so hard to try and circumvent every large and small issue....you with your sisters...mine with my brother...you know the one that I described...'He was known to make himself a sandwich'.....no...every issue is so different but we all have layers with our family....and then we deal with the grief...the $$$....the papers....

how many times I have asked...'how did he become so different from me and my sister...we were all raised in the same family...the same home...the same dynamics...the same creed...religion...culture...??? How...???

and...it wasn't but a few days before John David died....and then a few days after he died....he was asking me for 'help' and $$$$.....

and I ...I guess like I take a cue from my Mom....I give it when he asks.....

how do we learn to cut it off....

cut it out...??

Or...maybe the question should be for me...

when will I cut it off...cut it out ?

It is hard...and I have had such a hard time dealing with my grief...and loss...

to cut that brother off....?

I have the money...the resources...

to keep him afloat....

I feel like I have been handed down an inherited trait from my parents to him...

[Mermaid Tears]

This is the day the 'music died'....amazing...

[wgreenlee]

Kate...

 

For you..."Puppy Love" and the whole song as well.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uQB7QRyF4p4

 

 

And for the rest of you...your children's names are singing in my heart tonight...and always will be!

 

Jared...Jesse...Cara...Eri...Trista...Stephen...John David...Lane...Jessica...Mike...Yana...Laine..Rich...Char...Jeff...Alex Emily...Brian...Sam...Isabella...Cherish...Forest...Sarah...Steve...Meagan...Nick...Shannon...Brian...Geoff...Adam...Lori...Lisa...David...Holden...Eli

 

Brooks' site tonight...

 

[Tbearw58]

Thank you Susan.

 

           Tonight I feel lost as I walk between the steam plant and the hospital.  I am overwhelmed with the loss of Nick and I cry outside alone in the dark as i look to the stars I feel so lonely tonight.  So deep, I feel the pain crushing me the weight is so much to bear. I cry for Nick still I can not except this is the reality this is what is, oh how can this be my life it is not suppose to be this way, why, why I cry with every thought I have to think. To except my great son Nick will only be with me forever in spirit.

 

My arms ache to hug and hold him again and this can not be. Empty are my arms as they brush through the air touching nothing as hard as I wish them to please I beg please. I wear my emotions upon my sleeves for all the world to see I hope those that do not understand do not look upon me as a crazy man but as a broken hearted parent a dad whose life is for ever changed. There is forever one spot empty at the family dinners and get togethers all of us missing a great young man Nick. 

 

Love DAD