Loss of an Adult Child

[Steve s mom]

Sorry Im Late

Happy Birthday Forest

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

I haven't been able to log on in for a couple of days. My computer is not connecting to the internet for some reason so I'm posting from my phone. I read though and think of everyone here.

Ted, I understand your words, the pain, the disbelief. We all do. It sounds like you and Nick were so very close. I know that feeling of losing my Child and also my very best friend. Thank you for sharing your Son with us. This is all so hard. It truly is just one breath at a time sometimes.

Wade, I have to thank you for taking the time to remember all of our Children. I came here last night just to read and there was Trista's name. I needed that. I don't need to tell you how much that is needed and is a balm to a broken heart... To see or hear their name. I read what you wrote about Brooks being like a big brother to Trista. I have to tell you I think that too. I imagine Brooks, Trista, and all of our Angels together, like brothers and sisters, exploring their new world, watching over us... It's one of my more comforting thoughts.

Susan, Laurie, and Kate... On the forgetfulness... My mind is mush. Really. I have the hardest time holding any attention and my thoughts are so scattered. It just is. Kate mentioned 'getting older' but I am only 37. I can't blame that. I think Dee mentioned before that our brains have suffered such a major trauma that this is all part if it.

Laurie, that time 'apart'... Just to be... I think you're right. There are times we just have to withdraw, whether physically or mentally. There are times I am 'alone' no matter how many people are around. I've been in that place lately. I just need time and space to process all that's in my mind. How is Christina?

Gretchen, I hope you're doing ok. I completely related to your post awhile back about 'time to heal and grieve'. It has been very hard for me to feel I've had the time needed. With my other kids, family dramas, things beyond my control. I've had to start seeing a therapist and that gives me 'my time' to just talk, cry, yell, whatever I need. I know therapy isn't for everyone. I hope you're able to get that time for you in whatever way works.

Surreal, I do visit Trista's Angel Spot. There is a memorial there and we go to help maintain it along with some of her friends. It is very hard to go there so I am glad that others help with that. I don't have to drive that way often.

Wanda, It was good to see your posts. I relate to a lot that you write. You wrote before I think about not wanting 'be alone' but 'feeling alone' a lot. I feel that. My grief is so different than everyone around me. There is so much that is just mine. I don't like to be completely physically alone though sometimes. The anxiety becomes too intense. Every time I see 'I love you to the moon and back' I now think of you and your sweet Lane. Aiden has the story book, Guess How Much I Love You, but our 'thing' has always been to say, I love you to infinity and beyond as all my kids loved Toy Story.

I guess I've been kind of cocooning lately. I am just so tired. I know the holidays have been over for a month now but I think they just drained me to the point of having nothing left. Also getting bronchitis right after, it just hung on and while it's better, I'm still fighting it. The 8 month mark has been hard to. Months 6 and 7 came in the midst of the holiday madness. Now I find myself in February and moving closer to a year. I can't believe that much time had passed. I still live in a time warp. Days feel like years and months like days. My nerves have been so raw. The tears are always there, just behind my eyes but lately I have less and less control over them. I cry all the time. I try to watch something completely innocuous on t.v. like Antique Roadshow, and I cry. When people are happy I cry. When they're sad I cry. I'm having the hardest time with my husband. He's just naturally a high energy person and he drains me of what little energy I have. He doesn't mean to. He's just being himself but I'm so so tired.

[Jeff's Mom]

Wade, thank you so much for the song and video. My sweetie was as cute as a button when she was that age. I will miss her very much when she goes. I know that she can't live forever. She's had a good life. Running in the woods, swimming in the lake, tons of TLC. I know that Jeff will be there waiting when it is her turn. She still sleeps just outside his bedroom door every night. As if she fully expects him to come home. She has been such a faithful and loving friend. Life won't be the same without her. Yet we will not get another dog. We have decided we need a little more freedom and would like to travel a bit again. She is too fragile to leave in a kennel or with friends. Her blindness and diabetes take up a ton of time and care. Still I would not have it any other way.

 

Ted, I know where you are at right now. That crushing loss that takes the very breath out of you. Please try to hold on. I can't give you answers as to the why's of what happened. I simply do not know. We coast along thinking life is going according to plan and then we are knocked off of our pins without warning. Our seemingly controlled life is sent into a downward spiral. We have to hit the bottom before we can begin to climb back up for some reason. Just know you are surrounded by others here that will help to hold you up. We know how you feel right now. We are or have gone through this period of grieving. BTW...I love all the photos that you shared with us. Clearly Nick loved his vehicles! Again that red bike is awesome.

 

Gretchen, thinking of you today as I do everyone else.

 

Shannon, I was in such a bad way after Jeff died that I could not stay focused on a thing. If I sat down because I was tired I could not sit still. If I picked up a paper or book to read I just stared at it. I was in a total fog for almost two years. I even contacted Dee at one point that I had forgotten my pin at the bank, etc. I drew a blank constantly. My brain was shutting down. I could not process the events of that night. The shock was too much to take. However now after four years I am doing not too badly.  I know others are further ahead but it has been held back due to my MIL's cancer and death and also Ross's cancer. Trying to squeeze in time to grieve for my son between looking after the others. You are going to get through this. You honestly will. There will be better days ahead for you as Colleen, Dee and many others have stated. It takes a tremendous amount of patience, time and effort on your part to let it just happen. Holding you close today.

[Mermaid Tears]

Shannon...I don't know if you read this posting from yesterday...I posted Laurie...but it has words for you, too...and all the others....

Laurie....maybe we need to 'tap' you on your shoulder....and remind you to look back at the tracks you have been making since your SONshine boy passed....the miles and miles of the grief journey...and the 1,000 lb. bag of grief you are carrying...plus....all the issues you have had to deal with...the investigation...court dates...your son..your daughter...worry for your husband....the friends who are no longer in your circle...the changes that come from all the turmoil your family has had to deal with....and the one and simple and most important fact....you (and all of us) have been profoundly changed ....

and we wonder 'where are our minds'....and we wonder...'where did I leave myself at'...???

   I think many of us suffer from the mind fog...I feel like some days all I do is 'wander around my house'....or 'wander around in my mind'.....for I still have one foot in 'yesterday' and one foot in 'today'.....I guess in that we become so spread thin....we have too much on our minds...too much heaviness in our hearts...and too many questions that go around and around and around our thought processes....and never having an answer.

  I think you have done a stupendous job of keeping your family in a circle of love...not dropping the ball when it came to doing all the research and follow up and calls and letter writing about the investigation into Jesse's accident....not letting it go for one minute...til the 'wrong is turned into right'....that in itself is a very massive undertaking without the heartache and grief...you also deal with.

  You have been a 'super bright spot' on this site for sharing your knowledge and research in your reading and searching...and all of us have gained from that source of yours.

   Also....as with Shannon....she having to set aside her 'want' to go to bed and grieve....she has the 'needs' of her children...and now you have that situation, too....little ones keep us busy....it is another kind of 'caring' when the GRANDparent has to step in for that child...for I know many grandparents right here in Brenham that are raising their grandchild and grandchildren....they stepped right in...for the love of family. Their whole lives changed...their plans were torn up...thrown in the trash...and they had to rewrite their life story again....they tell me...'no..this is not what I wanted or planned for..but as long as they are healthy...they would never want their family raised by any other'....and I have really 'caught a lot of stories' on that subject. I so admire them.

[SamDsmom]

I want to respond to everyone. I'm so sorry. Today is a very dark day for me. After begging and threatening we finalky got Sam's personal effects back from the police. In evidance bags with DOD in huge black magic marker written across them. I feel like I'm in shock again. I want to throw up, cry, scream something, but there is not much there. Anxiety. I'm sorry.

[Mermaid Tears]

Debbie...so many will relate....I know how I felt when the hospital returned the clothing John David wore to his Dr. appt....he didn't know he was to be put in the hospital....and he was wearing the shirt I gave him for his birthday...it is a marker on the grief path...

and we know how it hurts...it brings it back in focus for many of us...all we can say is we are with you...and cry with you, too

[lorismom]

Dee - Thank you for your kind words. You have such a beautiful way of expressing yourself. I love that photo of your little granddaughter. She is precious. Also, hoping that one day your sisters will feel good again. Things seems to be going along pretty smoothly here. My husband and I are enjoying our new home that we built 3 years ago. As we had moved so many times in recent years, it now feels nice to finally be settled. Anyways, my husband came up with a lovely idea for the loft over our garage. He had an octagon window installed facing the lake. And in this window, we have an electric glowing candle. It's a little beacon of light that shines brightly in honor of Lori's memory. Everyday we turn it on for her.

Sherry - Such a wonderful picture of your handsome son, Davey.

Wade - Thank you so much for taking the time to say all our children's names. It means so much.

Shannon, Laurie, Kate and Susan - It seemed like it took about 2 years before the mental fog started to lift. I had always enjoyed reading and before losing Lori, I was reading about a book a week. After that my concentration was gone. The first book I read after she died was "Hello from Heaven". It took me about 6 months to get through it!

Ted - I feel your pain so deeply as that is how I felt so early on in this grief journey. Your love for you son, Nick, is so evident in your writing. Be kind to yourself and know that there are so many here that care about you and feel your pain.

SamDsmom, Summergirl, and all others that I may have missed, thinking of you today.

Blessings to all........

Pat

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Hello, I read everyone's words and postings, they all mean so much...

 

I am so so tired today but wanted to let y'all know how much I appreciate you!

 

Wishing everyone rest and a peaceful day...

 

Laurie

 

 

 

[Mermaid Tears]

Pat...thank you for you giving us your place on the grief journey...many are just putting their feet on this path...and some of us have been on it for a short time....your news of enjoying your new home makes our hearts smile...for as you know...our 'home' doesn't seem like home for now....just a place where we will dwell til we can build in an empty space or I should say...rebuild the walls in our lives....now the walls let in the wind and rain and dark and cold.

    What a lovely idea to have that little 'beacon'....letting your girl know where to find home from the sky....and shining a light that was hers....never to be forgotten....'keep a candle in the window'....

   My Grama always had a candle in the window....but she started doing it when her boys went off to WW11....after that..she said she would light it for all the boys that didn't come home...

   It means a lot to us that others do survive and go forward...

[SamDsmom]

Laurie,

Hope you are doing better

[shorty16]

Sams Mom

We get it. Almost all of us had to deal with the personal effects of our children.

We are holding you close

Colleen, Brian's Mom 4ever

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Debbie, that's such a hard and painful thing. Thinking of you and sending prayers tonight.

Laurie, I'm thinking of you too. I hope you rest well.

Kate, thank you for your kind words and encouragement today. I think of you often and sometimes when I'm feeling so overwhelmed I think of all you've handled during this grief. You words give me hope that this will slowly in time soften a bit.

Susan, everything you said is so right on. Thank you. I also read the post about your brother. As you know, my relationship with my brother has always been that of caretaker. I can relate to what you wrote.

[Steve s mom]

Yes SAMs mom,

I finally got Steve's belongings back from police after 2 years a while ago.i couldn't open them for days.his loathes were all cut up,cut off him.they still smell like him.this may seem weird but I sleep with that shirt now.i am thinking of getting those clothes made into a memory bear someday when I can get myself together to do it

[ericasmom]

Hi All,

going to bed, very tired today. I think when the barometer drops I just get pooped out. I had a nice winter walk this evening, gentle snow and 24 degrees. Perfection as far as a winter walk. So that was peaceful and nice. The students did a great deal of hard work today, very proud of them, but boy, the pay-off is LOUD voices in the afternoon. Just un-contained volume. Yikes!

 

Susan, I do not remember the story of your brother, the ways he depends on you in financial ways. That has to be hard. I have two brothers, haven't talked to one of them for almost 2 years after his antics and behavior toward my nephew who has drug issues. My brother knew my nephew was doing heroin, but didn't tell anyone until some of his belongings went missing. Then it becomes important, not when the young nephew first started, when there was possibly more of a chance of helping him. Nope, can't be near that kind of behavior.

Anyhow, it is hard as we get older to see the same behaviors in our siblings or friends that disturb us still. Sometimes the best way to live is not near it, to not invite that in the house and to not attend events where it is going to be. I do take a much harder line in this phase of life, I know it can be short adn I choose not to spend it near folks that spend their energy on meanness, on prejudice, on drugs, (had my hay-day too in my teen years), don't want to be with folks that lie and treat others badly in order for them to feel better...you know what I mean.

 

Pat, how nice that your new home suits your needs and is a place you can feel cozy in with your husband.

 

mind fog? Oh yes, I found that those skills that I was already weak, ( visual memory...) I became that much weaker in my grief. Simple things became hard to picture and my memory in general took a dive.  Shock can do that to us, and it takes a long while to rebuild that piece of us. Be patient, be the voice that you are to others when they are in deep grief, give that same great advice to yourselves and mean it. That person in the mirror deserves the kindness you have for us.

 

Peace and love

[lovU2themoon]

Shannon, 

It used to be longer when the kids were little:

I love you more than all the sand on the beach

I love you more than all the stars in the sky

I love you to the moon and back!!

 

For Trish and Lane, and all our kids! Much loved and terribly missed.

 

 

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

...they still smell like him. this may seem weird but I sleep with that shirt now.....

 

Mary Anne, I have done the same…the day of the funeral his co-workers brought me Jesse’s sweatshirt that was left there, I immediately took it from them and that is what I wore at the funeral and for some nights…I had another Bereaved mom tell me if someone could learn to bottle the “our child’s scent” they would be a millionaire… I have read to put your child’s clothing they wore in a sealed bag to help preserve the smell for awhile…until you are ready…

 

Dee and Pat, thanks for the notes on mind fog…somedays it is better than others…it is good to hear about those things from those who are further along…

 

Pat, I think the candle in the window is lovely…thanks for sharing about your daughter, Lori…

 

Dee, I am sorry to hear about the drug addiction problems. I remember going to Alanon and some of their recommendations, it was very valuable in helping me to resolve some of the issues with my deceased sister…Prayers for your sisters today…

 

Susan, thanks for the kind words the other day...just kind of tanked out yesterday…if someone gets a little help from what I might say, it is a good thing…

 

Sherry, your practical everyday words bring comfort to so many…how is your mom doing? I thought I read she was in nineties?

 

Shannon, I think of you during this time…it was about that number of months in with Jesse it was just so dark…

 

If I can remember what Susan wrote, I think she said the first year was like a double punch in the eyes and the second like a black velvet curtain….(Susan feel free to edit that last statement) but anyways I thought it summed it up well..

 

Wade, THANK YOU for saying our children’s names the other night!

 

Ted, the love you have for our son poured through in your writing to your son Nick, I thank you for sharing your heart…

 

Wanda, the graphic and the poem are so perfect…are you still having the major anxiety attacks…One thing my daughter has learned is to drink more water and if you sleep slightly elevated it helps as well…

 

To those who asked about Christina, it is better…she is going to a counselor which has helped, as going to a message therapist who is very skilled…and she has returned back to the exercise gym…

[Guest]

.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Lora,

Trista's favorite place was Taco Bell too. She always was addicted to Doritos locos tacos and Bajha Blasts. She also loved bacon. She was such a little carnivore that it was surprising when she became a vegetarian and stuck with it. She didn't have to give up Taco Bell. She just replaced the meat with beans. She always complained how much she missed bacon and beef jerkey though because the veggie versions were nothing like the real thing. I saw the picture of Cara with a big bag of beef jerkey. It made me smile. Trista would have been so envious. It was even one of her favorite brands.

I am also really struggling with the why right now. It helps me too to think of of all of our Children together. What a beautiful group of Angels.

Mary Anne, it's not odd at all. I sleep with Trista's flannel and her PaPa Bear she slept with every night even as a 17 year old. The story behind PaPa Bear is that he is a bear made from my Grandfather's clothes after he passed away. Trista and Grandpa were very very close. Now this bear is a precious link to them both.

I understand completely wanting to hold on to Steve's scent as long as you can. I think the memory bears are a beautiful idea. I've thought I might do that too since Trista loved her PaPa bear so much.

I think we do what we need when we need. I never know how something will effect me. My husband tried to take down the 2013 calendar and I had an intense anxiety attack. It is filled with appointments and doodles of Trista's and it will come down when I'm ready for it to come down. That probably sounds extreme but I'm not ready to take it down.

Laurie, Thank you for thinking of me. It has been a dark time. I'm just exhausted always.

Dee, Thank you for sharing about your brother. I have also had to set a lot if boundaries with both my brother and my father. I agree with what you said about having a choice on what you allow as a part of your life.

Wanda, I love the poem and the picture. Thanks for posting that. Our Children are so missed and so so loved.

[Mermaid Tears]

Lora....it is cold today...a brisk wind...but sunshine....and I do think of all of you under blankets and blankets of snow...I guess ya'll get used to driving in all the ice and snow...gee....please travel safe...and take care...and I do know what you mean by being the 'one' to care for family....there is always that 'chosen one' that will be the 'keeper of the Springs' in each family...

 

and you are right....Cara would not have left you...unless she had to....

none of our children would have....

 

I am going to try to say/write something...and I am wary that I may project the wrong thing...or not be able to explain what is coming from my heart....

   My son, Aaron, the Trauma surgeon...said some things to me when he was here for Daniel's open heart surgery...he was very sweet..gentle...kind and apprehensive about bringing this subject matter up..but he wanted me to know....

   Some that live....are not really living....not the way 'we' or 'they' would want them to....some were and are so 'broken'...and all they do is 'exist'...some can only bat their eyelids....some suffer so much brain damage that they are just 'there'....and he said John David...would have never, ever been the same...and ...(as I write this 'Hotel California..the Hell Freezes Over one is playing...thank you, John David).....he would never have wanted that....and we would not want that for him, either. I am in a quasi-moto kind of think tank most days....where I second guess myself...contradict....argue...debate...every moment...angle..direction..facts....the Bible...I can take a stance for pro and con....but I always...always...always end up with the prayer on my lips and from my heart...'John David...it's ok...I know you wouldn't have left me unless you had to...and I will love you from here to there and every where..I will go forward'.

   I think our children were just so 'broken'....so they took wings for the after-life....they found their way....we have to find our way...

[ericasmom]

Susan, this was true for Eri for sure, she would never be ERI again, her brain stem was shattered and she had many brain bleeds in other areas of her brain as well. I think your Son did a service for you to let you know that John David was too broken to come home. When my sister Eileen stood with me talking to the Trauma nuero surgeon, he said, look it is like someone took raw spaghetti noodles and slammed them on the counter...that is what your Daugher's brain stem is like. While he used absolutely no finesse, it helped Eileen to stop asking for more proof. I knew that Erz was going to die, she had one strand left attached and so could not be called brain dead...a few days before we stopped all of the machines, I remember walking into her room and smelling 'death'. I could smell the atrophy and demise of her body. The nurse told me that day that she was pouring out sodium in large amounts, her body regulations were gone. She needed to go. I miss my Girl, always always will. Girl of my dreams.

 

Lora, yes, it would be hard to move away from your parents if they are in need of  you. Yes, hard to start over in jobs too in this culture of our economy. I wish then, that you have some warm vacations in the future.

 

Shannon, you could be my daughter, of which I would be honored of course, as I am 20 years older than you. And yet here we are joined by the loss that ties us together in ways that nobody could ever understand.

 

Pat, I meant to comment on the candle in the room overlooking the scenery. How lovely, I bet she smiles at the light you leave for her, knowing that you will always be her light just asa she will always be yours.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

 ...I think your Son did a service for you to let you know that John David was too broken to come home....

...I had a vivid dream of Jesse --- this was essentially the message...

 

Still have not touched Jesse's car, it is the same...including the empty Taco Bell wrappers on the floor...his favorite place too...Are there tacos in Heaven?

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

I had a dream where Trista took me through the accident. I remember very little except the 'knowing' that it was fast and painless and the moment of fear that came just before was lost completely by what came next. I can't really explain how I know that this was not 'just a dream' but I do know it.

Dee, I've found that I am at least a little younger than most people with children Trista's age. I was a young mom and she was my oldest. It's kind of hard actually. I feel like in some way people expect me to bounce back because of my age. No one here, of course. Other people. I know a woman, she's my age, who lost her son a few years ago when he was 13. We went to high school together. She was a young mom as well. He would have been the same age as Tris. We have mutual acquaintances still and a couple people have used her as an example. As in look, she got pregnant shortly after her son died. She's had two more children. She's done so well. I'm sure she would tell her story much differently but I feel like they're saying Oh, you're young. You'll adjust. The thing is, I don't feel young. I feel so without an age. I don't want to say old because that's not necessarily true either. I feel tired. By 29 years old I buried my husband and 8 tears later I lost my Child and I'm so tired.

Susan, I think what you wrote was right. As I said I had that dream. Then when I finally got the records from the hospital and ems, my father in law explained them to me. I didn't want anyone else to. I know him. He would be considerate but honest and tell me the complete truth about anything I asked. He told me that she was 'gone' instantly. She still breathed and her heart still beat but she felt nothing and nothing could have been done. There was too much internal damage. It was hard for me to accept because when I saw her before they got her out of the car, she just looked asleep. There were no outward signs then. Before when I would hear stories of people 'coming back' and I would think why not Trista. Did I not pray hard enough? Fast enough? Loud enough? But I know, her body was not capable of coming back.

Laurie, I think if there weren't tacos in heaven before... there are now.

[daveydow1]

Pat-----thanks for your kind words. I'm glad that you & your husband are settled in your new

home. The loft window with electric candle is such a lovely way to honor your sweet Lori.

The beam of the candle will shine out over the lake.....and speak to Lori's shining star.

 

Wade---- thanks for the pics, and the song.... and for dedicating it to all our angels. Love

the song.

 

Dee------Sending prayers for your sisters, and for your nephew.  Our bird feeders are a bit

more active today. Many jays and doves, plus the little juncos & chickadees.  They are

still wary, though.  The slightest noise, or movement that they catch will send them flying

away.  Denny has spotted the hawks now & then.  I guess all of nature's  creatures are

hungry in this long  hard  winter. 

 

 

Susan-----

Also sending prayers for you and for your brother.  Peace to you, friend.

 

Ted------I'm sorry for your feelings of loneliness.  You miss Nick so terribly, and you can't help

feel lonely without him here, to go on being part of your life.  It's ok to wear your heart on your

sleeve here at BI, because we all know that feeling of loneliness and terrible regret & despair.

Please, Ted, .....hold on, and keep coming to this site.  Everyone understands.

 

PEACE    AND    COMFORT    TO       ALL      INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry     

[daveydow1]

NATURE decorated our dinner bell !

[ericasmom]

Sherry I love the photo, like crystal jewels hanging. Pretty.

 

Shannon, that is what I meant by that statement, no matter our ages, where we live, our markers have changed. We wander around new words to find who we are becoming, but always Mom for us, and always Dad for the men here. I would also find it distasteful that others would say things like, " look she's had two more kids, doing so well..." I think being tired is not a stretch Sweetie, you have lost your beloved Trista, and you dealt with huge grief in losing her Daddy. They must both be shining on you now, loving you from everywhere they are.

I had a friend who is no longer a friend who suggested that I should get a dog. Then a while later she complained that I had become boring, that I dressed differently and my hobbies were those of an old woman.

Don't have time for that kind of thinking.

[Sholl1955]

Hello all,

I had a day off work today.  We received over 10 inches of snow and schools and businesses were shut down.  I guess the main roads are better tonight but side streets and country roads are still bad and the cold temps again set in tonight.   Another major storm is predicted for the weekend.   it has been a winter to remember.    I was a bit anxious today, and had time to think a lot.  Guess that may be good but have to sort out those thoughts.   My hubby seems to be doing a bit better.  The steroids seem to be helping the pain be less intense and it is helping his asthma also.  He is suffering depression which seems to be worse, but expected with the pain.  He also is missing his assistance dog who did not adjust well to our move to a smaller apartment in July and had to go back to the trainer.  Bear will not be able to return to us as he needs a larger area to run.  (He is a 100# chocolate lab)   They are going to give him a companion dog which is what he really needs.  A dog to love and who will love him back and the responsibility of caring for and having a companion.  It will help keep his mind focused, and he loves dogs.  They have one named Hope and I have seen pictures of her and think he will love her. She is a Sheltie mix.

  I just need to go get her but this weather has to let up first.   She is in South Bend and I cannot go there if the roads are bad, and every weekend it is nasty.   So as soon as there is a break in the weather I will go.

 

Lora, I think you asked about how my weight loss plan is going.   I think it is going ok.  I can tell from my clothes I have lost a little but my scale went wacky.  Just got a new one.  Just a baby step to try to take care of me. Just one step at a time.  I also started attending a GriefShare support group.   Have been there twice.   The first one was very hard.  It is not a large group which I like.  The first one was all those who had lost a spouse.    The second one was Monday and there was a woman there who lost her daughter.  She has been in the group for over a year and doing well, but will be moving so this was her last meeting.   After the meeting we chatted a moment and there was a definite bond due to us both suffering the same loss.  She hugged me and no words were needed to know that we both understood.  The knowing that we all know here.   It would be so good to meet each other

 

Wade, thank you for speaking our children's name.   It truly warms my heart to see Sarah's name and all of the children we have come to know and love.

 

M thoughts and prayers are with each of you.  Have a peaceful night.

 

Sandy

 

 

[Jeff's Mom]

Are there tacos in heaven? You better believe it! And major hot sauce. Heck, I imagine that heaven is beyond our best imaginings. No pain, not getting old, loved by everyone. Sounds good to me. Sounds awesome to me.

 

Lora, I am keeping just a little bit of snow for you to keep as a reminder of this horrible winter. As if we needed any.

 

Sandy, what a beautiful name for a dog. Hope. Well the cure is in the name. I hope that she will provide comfort and love to you and your husband. How are you? Are you managing ok? Make sure that you take care of yourself as well. Be careful if the roads are dangerous. 

 

Laurie, hold on...I know this has been a difficult period. You are an amazing lady. You offer such hope and inspiration to us all with your posts. Sending "HUGE" hugs.

 

Pat, what a lovely way to remember your child. The light sounds so comforting. Just lovely.

 

Thinking of everyone as the weekend fast approaches. The weather has been brutal even for us. My capris are all freshly laundered and waiting in eager anticipation of that warm weather. The gardens planned and bulbs, etc. ordered. I notice that the nights are longer and mornings brighter. Yes, the cycle of life does indeed continue as it has for ions. Love to all. Wishing you a truly peaceful and restful evening. Kate

[Mermaid Tears]

Yes Dee....thank you for sharing...and Laurie and Shannon....that there is a 'knowing' in a parent's heart that knows at some level...above understanding on this earth.....a place of knowledge that has no book written....that our babies would not have left us unless they had to.....they simply could not live in the oxygen on this earth plane....they needed to go higher...to breathe and be....

   My Beautiful, Beloved, Broken Boy....John David....I , too, had that visitation dream....it was not a 'dream'....it was him..showing me how he was....first.....he was looking and smiling at me....he had on a nubby kind material shirt...open...and then he turned to the right...and I saw his face glowing and smooth and shining....and then....he pulled up his shirt to show me his 'abs'....then I said...'John David..you look so good' and I hugged him...tight....and then it was over...

   I told Randa the next day about the 'dream'...and she said...'that was John David..only he would do that'.....

last week...Randa said she was sleeping....and she felt a tug on her shoulder..a real pulling...and then it was John David saying..'Randa'....she knew it was him...his voice...and the touch was real....

[Mermaid Tears]

Sandy...thank you for your news....am happy that you are getting a stretch of the road that has leveled off...and you have some time...peace...comfort....for you have been through so much....and also....your grief journey....has been so rough. Let us hear about 'Hope'....you have such a strong heart....

[Mermaid Tears]

Becky...our Warrior Mom.....we need to hear from you....

[mybeautifulgirl]

Hello Everyone,

So "down" today. Can't stop crying.

Missing my beautiful girl.

Thought I would share this with those interested.

You may or may not know that Meagan lived with us since she was three.

She was intellectually disabled due to the liver disease (Crigler najjar syndrome) she had prior to the transplant .

Her ability to read and write was very limited. She was functioning at about 8 yrs.

While looking through her things recently I found this picture she had drawn. So beautiful.

It shoes me, Meagan in the middle (note the shoes and head bands, always wore head bands) and my husband, Ian (note the bald head!)

This picture shows to me that we were the centre of her life ( a fact I already knew) I treasure it.

Jan

[ericasmom]

Yes, I echo you Susan, Becky???Are you out there? I hope that you are well, that maybe the doctors have found a way to treat your pain and loss of use in fingers and legs. Keep us posted.

 

Sandy, your weather has been twice ours and we are well beyond twice the normal amount of snow in Chicago. Northwestern Indiana has taken each storm and doubled it due to that lake effect and just hte winds that zip around that end of the lake. Be careful, and when you do get a good day to go get HOPE, let us know about her. I do love collies, and shelties are shorter versions. My Sis had sheltie for many years. She was very sweet, loyal and devoted to the family. Good luck with this new member of the family.

 

Susan the dreams are for real visits I think. I am grateful for them, few and far between but they feel like visits because you feel so good, so light for the entire day, a wonderful golden gift.

 

Wade, how are you today? Thanks for saying Eri's name. It is music to my soul.

 

Ted? I wear my heart on my sleeve too, always have and with ERi's leaving, there was no chance that I could stuff it away and seal it up, hearts need to be shared, even if it is sharing hard stuff. We choose who we tell our heart's story to, but it is a very lonely road that first year especially in part because we find so few folks who can listen to our story or listen to our continued anguish. We are here Ted, we will listen and we won't run off. You took a big step going to the spot where your Sweetie Son died. I love the cross and the love shining through his friend's presence at the tree.

 

Surreal, what is going on for you?

 

On the subject of having the clothing returned to you? It  has got to be extra hard to deal with. I don't remember Eri's clothing ever being returned, it was all cut off of her. She had a broken neck in addition to the other injuries, so her clothing was never returned. Such hard truths when a family has to face these tangible issues, death certificates, clothing, wills...none of it is easy and you must remember that in all of these difficult and impossible tasks, you are taking steps. Nope, not steps you ever wanted to take, but the process of grieving involves these steps and you are doing it.

 

 

[ericasmom]

Jan, let those tears fall and fall. They are clearing out room even when it does not feel like it. They are more useful out than in.

I love the art that Meagan produced. It is a lovely family portrait. You may want to frame that one, reminding you that she lived a very happy life with you.

 

Wanda, how are you today? I am thinking of you.

 

Laurie, you are a trooper, a strength in the midst of so much ache and pain. Prayers continue for Christina and the whole gang.

 

Maryanne, hanging in there?

 

Gretchen, are you doing okay after the celebration of Forest?

[Mermaid Tears]

Jan....I so love 'kid art'....

'Art from the Heart'.....and I have saved..(groan)....so much stuff from my children...

and look at her art....there right there...the family....and colored with love in every stroke....

.....I was just thinking the other day.....the 'material things' become so sacred...to us...only us...but we are the ones that count for we become the caretakers ....

[lovU2themoon]

Shannon, i noticed i typed Trish, i am sorry, i did not mean to up an H on her name.

Actually, the saying in on a sticker you can get for a wall, i think i am going to get if for my hallway, where my family pictures are.

 

I saw my doctor today and my psychiatrist, and yes still having anxiety issues, and having a hard time still going out of my home.

But, still taking art class, and trying trying to go out, trying to work through the anxiety. 

its exhausting, i am drained today.

I also had some issues with the bank, and some death benefit money from Lanes accident, they want to see a will, or probate or get letters of administration,

but he was a minor and a will is not valid unless you are 18. So they want me to go petition the court, even thought i am his parent and he and i had a joint bank acct.

they wont release this money. Not that i want it, but now i have to pay to get it! I had to get my sister to call the bank, i just couldn't. Again, in my other life, i handled all my own banking,

my own mortgage, investments, pension. Its that clear headed thinking that i just don't have, that fog that was mentioned in other posts.

 

Anyway, its just so draining. i am defeated today, defeated by grief and sorrow, tired of fighting it for today, 

Grateful for the end of THIS day.

 

Thinking of us all, especially those who not only grief, but those that have to overcome complicated obstacles while we grief.

 

Wanda

 

(my heart is very heavy tonight my sweet Lane, love and miss you extra bad tonight)

[Billi]

Hello, I am new, signed up a couple of weeks ago. I was in the chat room and it was just some ladies having some fun small talk, so I left.

Lost my 32 yr old daughter 11/13/13, she died in my arms, the sound of her last breath goes over my mind all the time.

Today was her 11 year old sons Birthday, and he is such a joy. I didnt even get to speak to him. I called and called, text, email, face time. His dad just wouldnt let it happen. My daughter left him 4 yrs ago and he is still so controlling and mean as can be. He did finally emailed me back and said my grandson is grounded and cant talk. Grounded for make a C. Wow, and its he Birthday and he couldnt let me say Happy Birthday to my grandson, a part of my daughter.

Today is the 3rd day I have not got out of bed. I have been to 2 Grief counselor, loved the 1st one. But both are so busy, they have no appointments or call you back. Then dont see a new patient if you not gonna have time for them.

My husband cant understand my grief. No one can, no one is around any more, they were when she 1st passed and now I dont hear from anyone.

So why am I still here? Lost my wonderful daughter/best friend. My grandson lives 3 hours away and I dont get to barely talk to him. My husband stays mad at me for being so down. So do I stay or do I go. Someone just asked me 2 days ago how would I do it. Sleeping pills, thats easy. I could be with my daughter. I think. I now question God, he left my grandkids without a Mommy.

Sorry this is long and in a mumble jam. I have tried to find support groups and just cant seem to find one that understands.

I have attached a photo of my daughter with my birthday grandson

I hope everyone on here have a blessed day and hugs to all

[mybeautifulgirl]

Wanda, I know where you are coming from!

The bank- it causes so much stress. I do understand your frustration. Too much red tape!

I too have trouble leaving the home. I feel so safe and secure here in my own home.

Shopping causes pain, I see things Meagan would like and I go to pieces.

I share your pain and there is comfort in knowing we are not alone.

Another thing, dreams every night. I wake up in the morning and my feelings are defined by my dreams.

Sometimes I cannot recall them but they create in me a sense of deep loss.

You're my girl and I love you so much.

Jan

[mybeautifulgirl]

Billi,

So sad for your loss.

You are so welcome here.

I am reasonably new to this but there are others (as well as myself) here who are so wonderful and understand your grief. No one here will judge you, we are all walking this path together.

I have a husband who does not really "get it" . He is caring in other ways so I have to appreciate this.

I am so sad for most of the time but occasionally I feel distant to the pain. I have lost others in my family but the pain I feel today is so different. I guess it is not in the circle of life that our children go before us. We are the nurturers, the carers we are here to protect our children.

I also have a grandchild I do not see. It is so difficult.

Please look after yourself. We here all walk this path together.

Jan

[Billi]

Thank you Jan. Good to hear from someone that has a lot in common but for a wrong reason. I am just so so lost and lonely.

[wgreenlee]

Jan...

 

That is such a beautiful picture.  Shows what true love really is...thank you so much for sharing.  A picture shared brings so many wonderful memories.

 

Laurie...

 

Today I used the last of Brooks' cologne, Gravity.  I will buy some new stuff but it won't be the same.  I tried to make it last, but there just wasn't much left.  Funny how little things like that now punch a new hole in my heart.  I' glad that Christina is making a little headway.  Please tell her I am thinking of her.

 

Lora...

 

Continued thoughts and prayers for Todd.  He has a loving sister and now a warm blanket.  I, too, am so tired lately.  Just can't get the sleep needed to completely focus, especially when I'm not busy.  Hope you get good rest tonight.  I love that picture of Cara with the 12-pack of tacos.  I read from some bible scholar that he thought there would still be food in heaven.  I hope so...Brooks loved to eat...and then just burn it all off.

 

Shannon...

 

Thinking of you...I know how exhausting this all is and I guess will continue to be...two steps forward...or is it one step forward and two steps back.  Any movement forward is a good thing now.  Hoping the boys are ok and doing well at school.  We just took down our 2013 calendar too.  Once in a while I would scroll back to September and look at the things we were going to do, only to find myself drawn to the 9th.  Then I received a blood donor calendar, which had all my donor dates marked from last year on this year's dates.  It had pictures of people who received donor donations and how they were so grateful.  Renea put it up on the wall, and I didn't tell her that my last donation was on the day Brooks was killed.  I want to donate again, but am a little afraid of my reaction.  Another reminder...

 

Susan...

 

Cold again?  Same here now too.  Going to get some more rain or snow this weekend.  So much for my golfing... Too much time inside doesn't make for good times.  I know you are so proud of Aaron.  He is obviously in the right profession with his empathy and knowledge.

 

Dee...

 

Yes, we are all tied together with a bond that goes beyond age, race, creed, color, gender...whatever.  Not a group I thought I would ever belong to, but now so grateful I am.  When I look at Eri's picture I see you.  Maybe not the dreads.  I think I told you before that my sister had those dreads when she was Eri's age too.

 

Sherry...

 

I am always so proud to say our children's names.  It's almost like beginning a new life and getting to know Brooks' new friends.  A life I never thought I would be living, but one I have finally accepted I must live, nonetheless.  Somehow, it makes a difference and helps me heal, even though I know how hard this journey still is and will continue to be.  The dinner bell is so cool.  I see the field in the background with all the furrows.  Do you farm?

 

Sandy...

 

Yucky weather your way too, huh?  Good to hear that your husband is doing better.  Hope you can get your dog as soon as possible.  Animals are such a comfort.  Renea is really trying hard to get the stray cat to stay in the house.  Had a raccoon eating the outside food the other night and chased it off.  Was going to scare it with a BB gun, but just couldn't do it.  My dad had given that BB gun to Brooks when he was little.  Another reminder...another memory...

 

Kate...

 

Those Jets are on a roll.  Playoffs?  Been a while I think.  Sure wish the weather would take a turn for the better up there.  You can stop sending it down here, though.

 

Wanda...

 

So sorry that you have to deal with the money issue.  Why do things like this have to be so complicated?  People could cut the red tape if they really wanted to I bet.  Praying for good health your way.  How is your daughter?  

 

Becky...

 

Really praying that your health as been better.  Let us know.  Missing you!

 

Ted...

 

Stay in there, buddy.  Looked at Nick's video again.  Lot of love!

 

Chris...

 

Thinking of you as your day is probably beginning over there in the UK.  Let us know how you're doing.

 

The investigation in Eli's death is now turning towards an accident maybe.  Not so many tears yesterday, but still some raw emotion.  I am helping with dinners and stuff.  They are having a private gathering on Friday, but invited me and a few other teachers.  I need to show my support, but will need prayers please.  Next week will be some kind of celebration of life.

 

Another poem for you, son.  More reflection...less tears...but maybe more hurt.  I don't know.  The days are just mashing together and I long for just one normal day.  Will that ever happen again?  Hoping you're looking down on me.  Miss you and still having trouble wrapping my head around all this.  Seems like an eternity...and yet...somedays it feels like yesterday.  People loved your new wooden headstone.  Lots of "likes" on Facebook.  Shauna's birthday was yesterday... I'm sure you knew.  This is all so hard.  I hate it.  She's going to have a little party on Friday, and I told her I would go, but again I'm afraid.  Be with me, son.

 

The days are piling up

Like oak leaves in the fall

So many days ago

Since I felt your touch

 

Your pictures beckon me

So I reach for you through them

Our grasp is so fleeting

Just a moment and it’s gone

 

I yearn for your presence again

But only feel whispery tendrils

Of your memory fading

And my strength ebbing away

 

New memories are forging

But they are weak and fragile

They stay for such a short time

For there is no love to hold them together

 

I yell out to the emptiness

Which will never again be filled

With the happiness of being

A father to a son

 

 

Baseball season approaches at the end of this month.  I remember days when the team had to shovel snow off the entire field.  Funny how Brooks never minded that.  He was always so happy to be playing "his" game again each spring, even though he and I always seemed to find time in the winter to get onto the field.  Or go to the batting cages.  I would give anything to have those days back. 

[mybeautifulgirl]

Hello Wade,

I too loved the timber headstone for your son.

The snow around and the lights , such a nice resting place and memorial.

How are your students family coping with their loss?

Does it add layers to your own grief?

So many questions, you don't have to answer.

Jan

[mybeautifulgirl]

Billi,

Thinking of you tonight. Look after yourself.

I am so far away but you are in my thoughts and prayers.

We here understand.

Jan

[mybeautifulgirl]

Dee,

Yes I do plan to frame the picture and others I have.

We have moved into a new home so along with a memorial garden, photo book and the pictures to hang on the wall I hope I will be busy with my memories.

Jan

[Mermaid Tears]

Wanda....because of Lane's age...would not a Death Certificate be enough ?

[msmom]

Hi, I'm new to this site with some questions.  One is that it appears my clock is off as posting from Texas is showing as 5pm today already. Another is, it seems like those of us who lost an adult child just jump on this 'thread' to get plugged in. It says this thread was started on 24. Dec '13 at 8:11pm by Mermaids Tears but then looking at it the thread goes back to like 2005. Can someone help me understand how best to use this site. It looks like you are all a wonderful support system for one another. Only other place I have found like this is the online TCF chats but those only happen live at certain times each day. Thank you all. Hugs to each for peace.

[ericasmom]

Frustrated, when the students were in Library, I Thought to post here to our newbie, Billi, and to Wanda about the death certificate too, but I must have hit delete with my pinky, my fat little pinky. Oh well, suffice it to say that the bank is not behaving well and I wonder if you have asked to have the bank manager call you. A death certificate should be enough indeed. Eri was 19 when she died and we had to use a death certificate to close out her accounts. IT is so hard to tie up these loose ends that use words like death, and final and all those other difficult ones. I am holding your hand Wanda. Just as all the others here are.

 

Wade, beautiful poem.

 

Billie, tell us more about your lovely Daughter when you can. Was she living with her Son when she died? I am so sorry for the pain in your soul. I spoke in my erased post about trying again with therapy, first maybe calling the therapist you liked and see if her schedule can include you on a weekly basis, and if not, can she suggest someone with a similar therapy style. As far as the chat rooms and small talk, many folks know each other for a long while and meet to chat, but if you enter and let folks know that you need some asssistance, that you are hurting and need some help, they will put their dayto day talk away to focus on your issues. Hang on Girl.

[Mermaid Tears]

Billi and MsMom.....I will have to refer you to some one more techno savvy as to the site...time line...etc...than me...but someone will help you with that info....

    I have never been in one of the 'chat rooms' on this site....I am only posting in the 'Loss of Adult Child' but....please...when we say 'child'....it doesn't matter to anyone on this site...for we find that if your child was '2 or 42' ...they are still your child..and we come here to reach out to each other...get help from others...and here...we are understood.

    I come to this site for I do not have a circle of friends around me that have lost a child...I lost my son, John David...he was 42 years old...

  Your grief journey will be as unique as your child was unique....the common thread here....is the grief and mourning process...I call it a journey....

    We want to hear about your child....please tell us about him/her......please tell us about you....how you have been doing...how you have been coping....and let us hear how maybe you aren't coping.....

  None of us are counselors...therapists...we are simply....parents that have lost a child...we do not have any answers but we are here to hear you...

    I need this site for my human boat was going down...down...down....and someone will reach out a 'hand'...words or a word...and I can 'come up for air' again...

   We have parents that have been on this site for years...some even 10 years....I call them our 'Spirit Guides'...they are the ones that are farther up on the grief journey....on that dark, dark path....that we don't come with a road map or compass.....and they 'wave' to us....give us a little light on our path....to help us go one step....maybe we then take two steps back....but that is ok....

   If you can....please read some of the older postings....there may be a word or words that can give you a hand up...some comfort....here....you are not alone with your grief....

[Mermaid Tears]

Wade....you write with your heart....love those photos of your SONshine boy....gee...he and my Jeremy could have been brothers....with the looks and the love of Baseball...and it is coming time for that season...my GRANDson, Hunter Bear is playing on the High School team...they have been practicing and I think they have a scrimmage Friday....he is a 'better' football player...but that boy loves Sports...

   I do so admire that 'baseball diamond Memorial' for your Brooks....and also....he just glistens with all your 'Daddy Love'...as it should be....and is....

Thank you for saying John David's name....I have not watched the video...but I will...when I know I am in balance and can do it...it's is hard for me to do some things...it is hard for me to do other things...just the nature of grief, I guess...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

MSMom and Billi, I am sorry for the loss of your dear children...this has been a very good place, there are many wonderful people here...from my observations that sometimes it is more like a typical forum, but at times it can get busier more like "chatting" for those who need more talk time...

 

A variety of subjects are discussed related to grief and mourning as well as being able to celebrate our child and tell their stories to others...

 

As far as the time of posting being different, that is more of an technical aspect, usually where a web server is located (time zone) is what gets picked as a time of posting...and also from the technical side, this thread gets reset time to time...it is an older thread as is mentioned...

 

Dee, Sherry, Carol, Colleen have been here the longest and have offered their hands and their hearts to us who are newer...there are some parents in between but we all walk this same path...

 

Wishing you a peaceful day...

 

Laurie

 

Dee, darn those pinkies...done the same...

[msmom]

Mermaid Tears and JessDavidsMom:  Thank you. I posted my story in a new topic thread before posting to this thread. Perhaps I should cut/paste it here for easier viewing /responding. I did go back and read tons of messages. So many similar emotions amongst our group as this pain/grief is so unique - outside the stratosphere of what any of us grow up to conceive as possible unless someone close to us also goes through it. Unfathomable. Unthinkable. Cruel.  thank you all. So sorry for all who have had their child depart this earth before them. glad you all have each other here and now i do as well. we need each other as we are the only ones who truly "get it" what this is like. i hate it that i am now in this club, disconnected from all others I was connected to before. they still love me and me them but it's as if an invisible dome surrounds me, the kind you see in movies where it is flexible so that an outsider can push in with their hand and touch what is inside but cannot enter.cannot come inside. wouldn't want them to but at the same time hating that i am now so different from everyone else i know. and hating even more, of course, that i can't even reach in and touch my boy. to have him with me, even if sick, enjoying some aspects of life as he did when sick. he was not ready to say goodbye to us, friends or life. it was too unthinkable for him so he never did it. now i look up at the night sky, see the moon and realize "omg, if he were on the moon it would be so scary for me as a mom to think of him that far away  (gave me empathy for mom's of astronauts) w/ all it's inherent dangers, but i don't even have that luxury. he's beyond it". tragic. (((((