Loss of an Adult Child

[Jeff's Mom]

Thanks everyone for your kind thoughts. I truly do appreciate it! We had a very lovely day today. The weather started off iffy...but actually turned into a lovely day. We headed into the city while I ran errands. My husband is feeling weak from treatments. Yet he insisted that we keep going as per usual. And so we did. I bought up a storm from greenhouses. We arrived back at the house and he crashed for a long sleep. He felt good after an positive outing. We actually stopped at a McDonalds Drive thru for a milkshake. Can you believe it? He went into the trunk of the car and found a pair of gloves to wear as he held onto the container. One side effect of chemo is the tingling effect in hands and fingers. Sort of like frostbite. We drove back up to the lake listening to music on the radio and sipping slowly on our drinks. I felt like I was sixteen again. One day at a time and one foot in front of the other. We are just enjoying each and every day that we are blessed with. Have a decent day tomorrow everyone. Love to all. Kate

[summergirl]

My Dear Friends - how long it has been since I have been here and talked to all of you...and once again I am overwhelmed by the amount of new here and as always it breaks my heart. There have been some changes in our lives that have kept me very busy. We are moving back to Springs where we used to live, into a beautiful home that we had looked at about 3 years ago.This house that we are in has been sold (although we were promised, by family, that it was ours for as long as we wanted it) our hearts were broken after all that we had done to make this our home and after just 2 years we need to leave - however I must say that all happens for a reason - just 2 weeks after we were told it sold the person who owns the house where we are going called and told me the house would be empty by June if we were interested and at the right price!!! I could not have been more surprised as like I said we had looked at it 3 years ago and were disappointed that we couldn't afford it and now here it is being offered to us so I am very excited. The best part is Tavian will have his own bathroom and I will have my master bedroom and master bath with a Jacuzzi!! So we have been very busy packing which takes some time as I am very particular - I pack each box, tape it and label it so when we move I know where everything goes...Wish us luck and I will post pics when we are moved. Tavian is doing well, busy with school, testing and homework....had our parent teacher conference and it was more than we expected...his teacher said he can do and be anything he wants as he is incredibly smart, warm hearted and a joy to have in her class - she said it is hard for him sometimes as the work they do is to easy for him so he gets bored easily - I told her to give him harder work...LOL Right now he is in his room with his friend Damien who is staying over. I have been having my days as I always will - Jessica on my mind so much and even more so (if that is possible) with summer approaching - my Summer Girl. Last weekend we had a dinner to go to and I was so looking forward to it as it had been some time since hubby and I have been out with friends - we had a great time until we were getting ready to leave - someone whom I thought was my friend and very sweet and nice came up to me and began to tell me how I needed to move on from Jessica, that I was not allowing Tavian to grow up and I was ruining my marriage all due to the fact that I spend TOO MUCH TIME thinking of Jess - I was totally unprepared for any of this, I could not even say anything, I was just standing there with tears rolling down my face as she went on and on - finally I looked at her and I said "Do you have children?? No you do not and all I can tell you is I pray that if you do you never lose one of them and furthermore how dare you talk to me the way you just did because you have no idea what my life is about, you have no idea what my relationship with my husband is and you definitely have no clue as to what Tavian needs or doesn't need let alone tell me how I should be raising him!! and with that said I turned and walked away. I cried all the way home. The next day I wanted nothing more than to call her and let her really have it but decided it was not worth my time. One thing I do know is that I did not lose a friend because she was not one to begin with. I want you all to know that I think of you often, remember all that was done to help make me the person I am today, I keep you in my prayers and your beautiful Angels in my heart..... Thanks for listening and I am going to try to come more often....it felt good to "talk" and to know you are listening..... Hugs, Peace and Strength to all...Kathy - Jessica's mom always

[Guest]

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[tobyfreefoot]

kate-so glad you both had a lovely day together. that you felt 16 must have been a nice moment of stress relief

kathy-so glad you at least you got a few words off to the woman that upset you so. i am appalled at people. i can't imagine ever saying anything but i am soo sorry to anyone that has lost anyone much less a child. i have no idea how these people ended up being so callous. your new house sounds like a good thing especially as tavian grows and needs the added privacy of his own bath and a jacuzzi for you after encounters with people like the woman at the dinner. (i wanted to say idiots, don't want to appear judgmental but...) i hope the summer brings you some beautiful memories of your daughter beside the sadness

[Mermaid Tears]

well....we are so on the same page...aren't we..??

[ericasmom]

Kathy, the move sounds tailor made really, so I am thrilled for you though understand the absolute mayhem of packing. I wish you all a wonderful new home.

As far as the woman at the party, WOW and Double WOW. I am glad that you let her have it because you speak for us all and for your own broken heart when you say " if you have not walked in these shoes, don't give advice to me."

How did your husband react? I am sorry that this person felt it her duty to share her advice.

Lora, the bittersweet of it all is astounding. Joyful at seeing the beach, melancholy at knowing Cara would love to have gone there...those kinds of realizations will unfold at many turns until they just become a given. The thing is, she is there with you at the beach saying, I am seeing it Mom, you are right, I love it.

[Mom of Chip]

KATHY, KATHY, KATHY...good for you. So far I haven't been told to move one...but if it ever happens, I hope i can muster up the courage to 'tell it like it is'.

To all others here...hope you have a good day.....as for me..I'm off to work.

Hugs to you all.

[Mermaid Tears]

Moving On ??? Don't they know...we are 'moving on' and it is a very hard path..and an uncharted map....and a slow..slow journey...and all with a broken heart...

[ericasmom]

And to add to that thought Susan and Del, why do folks expect us to be as we once were? YIKES!

[daveydow1]

Lora----Your trip to S.C. sounds so very nice. I, so, understand about the

pain just down underneath.....always there. I agree....our lives are never

the same after our loss of dear beloved children. Peace & prayers.

Kathy---So nice that you are able to get the lovely house that you had your

eye on previously. My, Tav sure is growing up, and doing so well in school.

I'm glad that you were able to tell that woman how you felt. Very nervy of

her to tell you that you 'should' be 'moving on', and the other negative

and uncalled-for remarks about your marriage, and raising Tavian. She

must have been a bit taken aback when you spoke up and told her how you

feel. It takes courage to do that sometimes, and people that assume to know

what's good for us, and how we should feel, deserve to be put in their place.

Wishing you the best of luck in the move.

Kate----Your outing with your husband sounds like a very pleasant and

enjoyable day. I'm glad that he was able to go, and also to enjoy the

milkshake. What flowers did you buy at the greenhouse? My husband and I

visited a nearby garden center today, and I was looking at the garden statues

they had......many to pick from....cats, dogs, etc. and I looked at the angels.

I'm going to get some angels to put at the edge of Davey and Lisa's garden. Glad

that you and your husband had such a memorable day.

Laurie----Sorry that you are having a difficult time this weekend. Your heartache

over your loss of dear Jessie David is so understandable. Many times it is a

matter of taking just baby steps forward....and the inevitable steps back in order

to move forward again. Peace and strength to you, friend.

Davey & Lisasmom, Sherry

[Jeff's Mom]

Thinking of everyone today. We are celebrating our Victoria Day long weekend. (Queen Victoria) The weather has been iffy....yet everyone has shown up by the droves. I hope that Lora is having a lovely break. Thinking of all of you. Thanks Gretchen and Dee for your concern. And a huge thank you to all that have offered their unwavering support. Off to watch The Midwife. Love to all, Kate

[Mom of Chip]

And to add to that thought Susan and Del, why do folks expect us to be as we once were? YIKES!

You know?? I think I am becoming a better person. I am more spiritual, and the preacher's sermons speak to me more than they ever did before. I think I am more able to put myself in someone else's shoes. I have more empathy..but it still doesn't take much to make me cry...even thinking happy thoughts about Chip's life can bring me down. My coping mechanisms are still weak.

[summergirl]

Well my dear friends - YES it was the very first time in 7 years that I have actually told someone "how it is" - there have been other times when people have said "stupid things" but this was above and beyond anything I have encountered since losing my girl. The hard part is that she dates my nephew so there is no avoiding her at family gatherings - I actually saw her today and she acted as though nothing ever happened, I was very reserved with her and since we were at my mother-in-laws house I would not do anything to bring drama into her house, I am better than that. I told my mother-in-law about what happened after she left and she was said she wasn't surprised as she is very opinionated and doesn't seem to care whom she hurts. I know in time I will forgive but I will never forget. Hubby was furious and wanted to say something but I asked him not too as I handled it but if it ever happens again then he can certainly step in. I do not know why some people think that we could ever be the same - this is my life after Jessica, I had a life when she was here and now I have a different life...I have become stronger, more empathy, more forgiving, I do not worry about the future as I try to live each day as it comes, I do not sweat the little things, I forget about housework and take Tavian fishing, I leave the beds unmade and go play catch with him, I love with an intensity I did not realize I had, I was never a fighter but I find now that when you push me in a corner I will come out fighting and I intend to win.... Yes, the new house is very exciting and I am also ready to go back to the area we lived in for 26 years....Tavian will be back with all his friends which he is excited about. I will know more tomorrow so will keep you informed. Tavian will be going to a new camp this year which we are excited about - it cost 8700.00 for the summer but he was given a scholarship by the fire department where my hubby is a volunteer so he will go for free - it is a great program with lots of sports, fishing, beach, they give them lunch and also have bus service...I think he will really enjoy it and it will be a nice change for him. Well, I will say good nite as I have to get some things done. Peace, Love and Strength, Kathy

[Sholl1955]

Thinking of you all and wishing you a good rest.

Sandy

[Mermaid Tears]

If you go to the place where it says..."Questions' at the top....two people posted some very...'out of place' things about the site of 'Loss of Adult child'.....so I wrote a reply.....

Just want you to know that without this site....I would not be as 'healthy' as I am now....(I am not the way I use to be).....thanks to the ones on here....I learned I was not abnormal...in all the phases I go through......what I was feeling...what I was going through...and the changes that are taking place....well....I am not alone...I need to know that....for I don't have a circle of people around me that have lost a child....if so....I would not need this site as I do....this site is a life line for my human boat that is going down for the 'upteenth' time....holding on....is all I can do somedays....and each of you will post something...that gives me a hand up....to hold on...and make another step....then....just give it a rest....it's not ok....but ....I can make it to my 'new normal'......

Why do people post crap like that...??? I wonder if they really belong...for if they have really lost a child....don't you think they would be trying to 'come up for air'...instead of complaining about 'what we post'....geez.....I could barely remember how to spell my name...much less form an opinion of complain....about how people post their bare souls....anyway....I feel blessed that I was led here...and for each of you that have reached out in your heartache to let me know all that I am going through I am not alone...

[ericasmom]

And a good deep sleep to you Sandy Dear. Anything new in your world?

Yes, I too am a stronger woman than I ever knew I was, and in the last almost 10 years, I have found ways to live a good life, I do deal with PTSD and have to seek help when it is activated, thankful that I have a person that knows me over the years and lets me return when I most need.

Del, I would say that your coping mechanisms are probably the opposite of weak, taxed yes, weak? You would not be standing if they were weak.

It is very hot right now, it was a hot and beautiful day wtih a breeze, but he breeze left and the humidity moved in. We have thunderstorm watch and a tornado watch until middle of thenight. I pray no dangerous storms, just the needed rain.

I know Texas is having more than her fair share of dangerous weather. Oklahoma too. Be careful out there.

a quote from a book I am reading: Maya's Notebook by Isabele Allende, a woman who really knows the shoes we walk in,(lost her Daughter Paula years ago and wrote about it) this quote from her latest book which is fiction but even her fiction has its roots in her life. This one about the inevitable death of the central character's grandpa.

Death happens to other people, not to the ones we love, and much less to my Popo, who was the center of my life, the force of gravity that anchored the world; without him I had no handle, I'd be swept away by the slightest breeze. "You swore to me you were never going to die, Popo!"

"No, Maya, I told you I would always be with you and I intend to fulfill my promise."

I do believe that our Children are also with us each day.

[Mike's dad]

Spent my last day with Mike's friend. It was emotional, we talked about the service and why he and Mike went in. His friend told me that he was never very good at anything, but thought he'd do well there. Mike was different, he was good at almost everything he tried. He always told me he wanted to be in the Army... I just thought he'd grow out of it. After we invaded Iraq my goal was to keep him out of the Army.

I told him to apply to any school he wanted and he could go. I didn't care about cost, I'd pay anything. I just didn't want him to go to Iraq, where so many other kids were dying. He told me he had to go, he had to keep everyone else safe, so, I let him. My son was in Iraq for one year and three months before he died.

I've made a lot of mistakes, I wasn't a great dad, I was never a loving attentive husband, I'm not a good fiancé, but the worst thing I've ever done is let my son go to Iraq...

Michael, I love you so much. Love Daddy.

[ericasmom]

Mike's Dad, ask yourself what Mike would have done had you said, " NO, you cannot go to Iraq!"

Would your saying no, really prevent an adult from making a decision that he felt was THEE only decision for him?

I know as a parent, that my saying NO did little if the decision to do something was already made. Made in their determined hearts.

I have made MEGA-mistakes in my life too, we all have, but our Child's dying was never anything we wanted nor caused.

Be kind to the Dad that Mike Loves.

[ericasmom]

Just a bit of PINK to start the day...

[ericasmom]

Eyes searching the world.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Dee, baby is so precious!!

Kathy, so good to see you back here! Missed hearing about you and Tavian!

Susan, I went and read that question section and I didn't find anything really objectionable... did they remove their post? Mostly seemed as though some that have come here on "Loss of an Adult Child" maybe don't know where to start, as it is somewhat disconnected at times. I know I have posted, and put my heart out there, and there have been times when nobody responded. I have even gone back and removed my very personal post after a day or two. It's not quite like getting together all at the same time as a group and having an open discussion,as everybody is on here at different times, etc., but I am ever thankful for it nonetheless, as there have been so many here that have helped me see things in a different light, and made me realize that I am not the only one hurting in such a way.

[Jeff's Mom]

Oh my Dee, what a lovely start to my day. A beautiful picture of your little cuddle bunny! She is simply adorable. I agree with Becky. The one really good thing about this site is that we are able to openly discuss our loss and with a group of people that are going through the same thing. We know all too well the difficult road this is to walk. We also are very aware of the many twists and turns this grief process takes. To be able to vent when we are having a bad day is a huge step in the healing process. And so I see it more as an invitation to any new person to say that they can come and just be honest about how they are feeling. The thing is WE DO get it! That when we feel alone and misunderstood that there are people here for us. Thank heaven for that! It has thrown me a lifeline at the most critical time of my life. Thanks to everyone that has given me support. I am forever grateful. Love, Kate

[Mermaid Tears]

I so needed to see that 'Pretty in Pink' baby girl...what a precious gift...thank you for sharing with us....I, for one, needed that bit of sunshine today...

Yes..the posts are there....one said that because our 'Loss of Adult child' goes on and on....one can't really find help...and another said they felt like they were intruding...cause we all sound like friends...and know each other....

I have only read compassion in every line when someone comes on the site...I have even posted on other sites to give 'what little I have'..for we are 'friends' in that we can identify with the phases...the anger..grief..sadness that is so dark...and to know how it is to cry so hard ...you actually get dry heaves...

Without the ones that have been on this journey to help me..on mine...I really do think I would have had to 'go somewhere' ...to get my footing....this was a salvation to me...I didn't want to run away...I just wanted to find a way...

I am going to stay here...for I know how 'unstable' I really am...I can put on a pretty good performance...but I know I need a lot of healing..and I need those around me that are in the same place...

[Mom of Chip]

What a sweet baby, Dee. She looks so peaceful asleep in her carriage..I know you are proud...and her parents must be popping with pride. Thanks for posting those beautiful pics.

Mike's Dad..don't beat yourself up. We all have 'wish I had', 'wish I hadn't' moments...It's part of the grieving game. Mike was a very brave man who wanted to do his part for his fellow Americans. He is now a bright shining star with angel wings sending lots of love your way.

I am going to see a retina specialist today...I am having some trouble with my right eye...lights flashing and some fog in my peripheral vision. I may need surgery..am dreading it.

To all indigos on this thread..thanks for being there...thanks for sharing your stories..and especially thanks for letting me share mine. I have read so much that has helped me...made me know that I am not alone in this journey to recover from my grief. I feel much stronger today because you have all been here for me.

Hugs

[ericasmom]

Thanks for the nice words about Erica, I feel so lucky to know her.

I am able to access the writing today from work, it has been a long time since I was able to post from this computer.

I don't see the question part that y ou mentioned Susan...

Over the years we have had folks come here to complain that they could not believe we could laugh and share fun times, that we could share recipes...they just didn't get it, a few came back but several did not. We always widen our circle to make room for more, just as was done for each of us.

Del, let us know what the doc says about your vision. Prayers.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

.

[ericasmom]

I need to hear from our Oklahoma residents,Gretchen, and our old friend not here for a long time now, Lori whose girl, Kourtney died, I need to know that you are okay, that your families are okay! I know that there is no power nor cell service, but oh how my prayers are falling from my lips when I heard of the devastating tornado this afternoon, leveling whole neighborhoods including two elementary schools.

Dear Lord, Please oh please, let all of the folks in the path of the tornado be found alive and safe in the shelters that the town put in. Please let the townspeople find each other and move forward in the light of so many Angels.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Dee, baby is so precious!!

Kathy, so good to see you back here! Missed hearing about you and Tavian!

Susan, I went and read that question section and I didn't find anything really objectionable... did they remove their post? Mostly seemed as though some that have come here on "Loss of an Adult Child" maybe don't know where to start, as it is somewhat disconnected at times. I know I have posted, and put my heart out there, and there have been times when nobody responded. I have even gone back and removed my very personal post after a day or two. It's not quite like getting together all at the same time as a group and having an open discussion,as everybody is on here at different times, etc., but I am ever thankful for it nonetheless, as there have been so many here that have helped me see things in a different light, and made me realize that I am not the only one hurting in such a way.

I wanted everyone to know that I do try and read through everything, sometimes I know I am missing something so I will do a search on that person to bring up their old posts to try and gain context on their situation. Sometimes when I read especially the more personal things, I think about it for awhile but in my spirit I mourn with that person...

So people are thinking and caring about stuff even if we don't know...

Sometimes I am just mentally confused from being upset so it takes me awhile to process anything, especially on the bad days.

Also, there was a photo I was looking for from Lora of her girl, I just couldn't seem to find it. I wanted my husband to see it.

Thanks DaveyDow1 for your comment, it was a weekend I just tanked out emotionally...

[rlolheiser]

hi to all.. I still get in here to read once in awhile but not as often as I used to. Things here are just so busy. Sometimes to busy, I don't know if I am coming or going.

I am still fighting to get my grandson, I have passed all the tests.. but no word, and I am not getting calls returned from social services. If I don't be getting him soon, I have a new court date toward the end of June to see the judge that said I should have him. He has been in foster care for a year and a half, and I have been fighting for a year.

Mom had her tests done, she has advanced pre cancerous polyps removed. Not real sure what that gets me, the doctor just said that she can't vouch she got all of them.. so she may end up with cancer... but I worry with her weight loss she may already have it someplace. I guess all I can do is love her, she has lost so much of her memories.. lately she has been taking mine, and it is hard to tell her that they are mine.. so I just leave her to think what she needs.

Kids are on the last week of school... I am looking forward to them home.. I kinda like them :-) they are doing very well.. the still fight from time to time. Jaboas mom is still with me.. she starts her counseling thursday. so far so good she is still clean. its all I can ask for right now.

My oldest is coming for the summer, she will bring her family. they plan to stay in a camper. My daughter has Lupis (not sure of spelling) she is so sure she will be dying soon.. I guess I have to kick her butt to make her plan on surviving for a long time... not time for this at least that is what I pray to God.

Williston (my home town\) is really falling apart.. I have a cousin now that murdered somebody and family left there is having a hard time because now we are branded trash. I myself am still proud to be a Stensaker... it was my father's name.. and I won't apologize to the fine city for something a relative does... we all have skeletons in our closets.. I dont' know.. I guess it just makes me mad that people are the way they are..

My heart cries out for the people in Oklahoma.. I know they are going through hell... and feeling hopeless... I pray for their strength in the coming days.

I miss you all.. I think of you always... Dee, Sherry.. Kathy,... Kate.. Betty Betsy Carol, Rhonda, Trudi.. Carol Becky Coleen.. so many people here.. I read your stories, and listen to you.. my computer isn't very good as of late.. not able to add a lot without my time.. but I amglad your here.. this site saved me more than once.. our angels.. have saved me more than once.. they are a part of who I am today.. which I really hope is a better person.. I guess I am still growing and adjusting.. still missing my JaBoa.. we found a picture of her a few months before she passed, somebody had sent it to my daughter.. it was found the other night.. such a gift... we had never seen the picture.. and we sure are happy it was found

I guess kids are getting a little loud.. I better get to them... I will try to check back more often... thanks for being here for everybody

[Mermaid Tears]

As always...as I was watching the news....I knew that there were so many on the same page as me..."Bless and Keep Them in His Loving Arms of Mercy ...Grace...Healing...we know the dark days ahead...we know the heartsick..heartache..heartbreak and we will say prayers to Him who can move mountains....yet..tells us...that if we just have the Faith of a mustard seed...We can move mountains...so we will put that one foot out...that one step....and we will once again...put our Faith...that He is there...and all the Angels....remembering...all we have to have is Faith the size of a mustard seed.....yes....I can do that...

[mysonrich]

Sometimes when I read especially the more personal things, I think about it for awhile but in my spirit I mourn with that person...me too

Lorri Is fine, Kourtney's mom

[ericasmom]

Betsy, thanks so much for letting us know that Lorri is fine. You spoke? I heard that Ardmore, Oklahoma was in the path and I just hoped and hoped.

thanks Betsy.

Thanks for the sweet words about the little Pink-Wonder...glad that she can make you smile too.

Jesse David's Mom- Truly, our Kids do not want us to feel guilty that they died. The direction their lives followed was out of our control, we know this. Had it been in our control our Kids would be here because as parents, there is nothing more important than the life of our KIDS. You will find your way, you are working hard to do so and I sure do bet that your Boy is quite proud of the strength and tenacity you have shown.

May Each of You be safe tonight as the storms move out through this area and further east

[tobyfreefoot]

we are all ok here. terrifying tragic day unbelievable destruction.

[Mermaid Tears]

thank you....for letting us know you came through the storm...that one...on the news....

[ericasmom]

Oh Gretchen, thank you for letting us know, I have been worried. I am so sorry for the devastation in your part of the world. Stay safe. Thundering here right now, the lightning and winds have increased. Hopefully, we will simply have a thunderstorm and nothing more dangerous.

Love to All,

[mikesmomrs]

Hello to all... a night when sleep came but only for an hour or so, and now the night is long and I am feeling the "aloneness" more than usual, so thought I would come on and say hello to everyone. I read back a bit and feel as though I am visiting family and "catching up," but I've always felt "family" here; a closeness and acceptance that is not found anywhere else. One of the prevalent comments seen through my reading is that "we were led to this place." Yes, I have felt that; it has been mentioned here before and I truly believe we were. Many of our angels have such similar characteristics and likely are friends, if such can be the case on the other side of that thin veil. I feel blessed by the thought; comfort comes with it. The spring seems to be fighting with the arrival of summer here; the weather is crazy---cool, warm, cold, warm, hot...I finally decided to go ahead with planting some flowers. I wasn't going to...thoughts of it brought sadness as I didn't know "who" I would be doing it for...he is no longer here to say "the yard looks so pretty, honey." But then I remembered last year, August 29th, the day he came home from the hospital, not aware of much the previous couple of days until they brought him out of the ambulance to bring him into the house. It was a beautiful "bright blue sky summer day" and he looked around and saw our yard, the huge maple tree out front, the flowers lining the walkway and up on the porch by the front door, and he knew, he knew where he was...despite the fact that he had known little over the last couple of days...this he knew...he was where he wanted to be when he left this earth...he was home. And so I had to do it this year as well. I had to recreate that familiarity that gave him back to us even if it had been only for an hour or so....it was long enough to recognize all the grandchildren, gathered here to say goodbye, long enough to reconnect (they had seem him sparingly over July and August) and allow them to remember. So, I've been to the nursery, brought home the flowers, even another strawberry plant...I had tried one for the first time last year...the one that gave him that one strawberry he tasted and found so delightful, yet couldn't eat another...no appetite....was repeated. It hangs by the front door, in the sunny spot, where the berries will ripen and remind me again...that one berry brought him such delight. I know he is smiling, I know he remembers. I feel him about me. Young Mike, too, enjoyed the flowers about the deck at our old place...the last months before he left us. He commented on how beautiful they were, how peaceful it was to sit out there, even at night, the lights from under the umbrella casting a soft glow across the middle of the deck and making him feel as if in a special place. And so, for them and for me, I cleaned up the perennials, and planted some new additions. Now there are rose-colored calla lilies for the first time, side by side with the pink columbine of the last couple of years that is bigger and pinker than ever, snuggled down beside the deep wine color of the small Japanese maple, lush and fuller than ever before; low to the ground, spilling over onto the walkway. Mike Sr. loved that tree. Young Mike never got to see it...it arrived after his departure, but I am sure he sees it now. Along with the new calla lilies this year are a couple of white Shasta daisy perennials to bloom and keep blooming all summer, right beside the front steps. I carried white daisies at our wedding...when he brought me flowers, they would always be daisies. New placements also include some pink Armeria, right in front of the steps, flanking some new Dahlias...a flower I hope I have better luck with than in previous attempts. The tears come easily and often lately, likely leftover raw emotions surrounding our anniversary of a few weeks ago...the 49th. Some have said "He's not here any longer; you can't say "we've been married 49 years"." I will say what I like...it is what I feel...he is still with me. And I will sit with the flowers, and remember. I've posted a few pictures of the flowers... also, a picture of the sunset I caught tonight, waiting at a stop sign right by my house, and a picture of a "heart of phlox" that Damon and I came across as we drove up a hilly driveway to return a huge beach ball that had rolled down into the street we were driving on. As I pulled over in the driveway, I saw this beautiful gift. And the heart in the sky...while Damon and I were at the playground earlier that same day...Papa and Daddy looking down?

[mikesmomrs]

Such sadness and tragedy in Oklahoma...prayers and tears for all of those suffering these losses. Hearts wounded, broken, on a journey they never dreamed of...may they find peace and comfort from each other as they try to rebuild their lives.

[ericasmom]

Prayers are constant for those starting this new day without their Loved Ones in Oklahoma. The terror being felt by those waiting through the night to hear some news, some good news, is palpable. Holding close our Angels.

Carol, that garden you knelt in and moved the soil to give space to new plants is a place that heals. It already is helping you have the thought of how your garden made both Mikes feel serene. How lovely that you were led back to it yesterday. So pretty. Love the hearts.

[Guest]

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[Mom of Chip]

My heart goes out to the families in Moore, Oklahoma....for the families who lost loved ones and those waiting to hear news.....especially the children who are unaccounted for..has to be pure hell for the ones waiting for answers...

Carol...your post touched my heart...especially that Mike Sr. wanted to come home for his last days...My Chip wanted to come home, too...he knew that he would never leave the hospital that last time he was admitted...I have thought about it many times...if we had brought him home, would he have lived until we got him home?....would he have died during the night?..or would he have lived a little longer?..I wonder if some of the treatment at the hospital may have sped up his death...no way to know that, but I can't help but wonder...we could have had an autopsy done, but we didn't want his body all cut up..the medical examiner said we were entitled to one since his stay in the hospital was less than 24 hours...but it just didn't seem like the thing to do at the time.

Hope everyone has a good day. I'm off work today..but have to go to a class tomorrow that they are sending me to. I feel good about that...They must think I'm a keeper since they keep sending me to different classes to learn more-and I get paid for going.

[Mermaid Tears]

Carol...how your 'shared story' moved me....you write with clarity and emotion...and touch a heart with your 'style'....just that little memory will help people get in touch with their memory makers..and let them be reminded of how the 'little things are really the big things'....you have a talent there...am giving you a nudge...have your ever thought of writing a 'book'...(when I say that I don't mean a 'Gone With the Wind' kind)..but so many can relate with you...and your words have a crispness and sweetness...(so much like a Pearl S. Buck)...I am going to work in my back yard today...have been wearing so many different hats..have only had time today..and there are areas I only let myself do the work...but it is like a vacation to me....send us some more photos..and think about the writing...I am guessing that "May" must be a 'bittersweet' time of year...hard to think about putting out all the pretty flowers...hard to think of not doing it....

[Mermaid Tears]

Jesse David's Mom.....I KNOW what you are talking about...and so do many others on this site....about the 'knowing'.....I, too, had many moments....it was like a 'message'....I will post more on my experience later...I am going to work in my yard and don't want to start a 'sob session' now.....am sure you and others do the same thing....it is one of those Scarlett moments...."I will think about it tomorrow'....I just can't let myself go 'there' now....

[Jeff's Mom]

I too am so very saddened by the loss of life in Oklahoma. My prayers are with all of the families that are going through this. Gretchen, I was shocked to see the magnitude of that tornado. It was a monster! I'm glad that you are ok. Lora, I hope that you were able to enjoy that brief escape with your friends. Look forward to hearing about it. Carol, your gardens sound just beautiful. It is evident that you have spent many years nurturing your yard. I am also confident that the view is enjoyed by many of your neighbors. Thanks for posting the pictures.

[Mystic Earth Angel]

I am so glad to have found this forum. I too lost an adult child. I lost my son Walt on September 2, 2012 and I can't believe how my life has changed. If you would have asked me a year ago what I would do if I lost a child, I would probably have said that I just want to join him. On the morning Walt died he was not at home, but at a so called friend's house. He went down the basement in the friends house and overdosed on cocaine. He had struggled with drugs for 10 years. For 10 years we didn't see much of him. In July of 2011 he came home to live with us and was clean for about 13-14 months. I don't know what changed that night, what made him reach for the drugs again, but it was the end of my life as I knew it. It has been almost nine months since he passed, but I know he is okay. He came to me hours after he passed and told me he was okay. I've had contact with him since then, but of course it's not the same. I'm happy to be able to connect with people who have been through the same hell as me. But I can say that without prayer I probably wouldn't be here. You know, just when I think I'm getting past the grief, I get hit with another wave. Has anyone ever overcome this grief. I don't see how we can. Unless you have lost a child, young or older, you have no idea what pain it is. Please keep me in your prayers and I'll do the same for you. Blessings, Light and Love.

[tobyfreefoot]

mystic earth angel i am sorry for your loss. i don't know that you get over it. i'm not quite 2 years in. it is more manageable, less crushing but a heavy dullness now dogs my days. you will probably find good company here. i would say it saved several of our lives.

i am listening to the superintendent of moore schools right now. if you have looked at the devastation you would never guess there were so few lives lost but any is too many. day before yesterday's tornadoes killed 2 people in the town i work in. it is hailing hard here right this minute but i believe it is only severe t storms with high winds but not tornadic. yesterday's wind speed so far est. at 190 mph. on may 3, 1999 in the same area of town (moore) wind speeds were 317 mph. at this time we only have 24 deaths i think. 1999 had about 48. my ex husband (not forest's dad) had my 2 youngest sons in moore in '99, did not evacuate just put them in the bathtub with a mattress. they had a 45 min. heads up. the picture is an aerial shot from the moore tornado in 99 my kids were in the house with the blue marked roof. what kind of father puts his children at that kind of risk?

watching the storm yesterday grind across i knew the damage was worse. thank god for the national storm center in norman which gives us great information and warnings and helps us get out of the way. i live 7 miles from a town that might have a storm shelter but in an f4 - f5 unless you're underground it doesn't make that much difference. we will just get in the closet. my kids get in their bathrooms.

[dsmurph]

My daughter came to us many times too. I understand how you feel and I understand the waves. Our daughter passed Oct.25, 2012. I believe there could be no greater pain than losing a child. My life has no meaning now. My children were my meaning. I still have a young one at home and try to live my life to make her as content as possible. But, I find it difficult because the pain is so heavy. Hang in there. Hugs to you Mystic earth Angel, Debbie

[ericasmom]

Gretchen, is there no other way to be safe? I know you can't do basements due to the ground water right? I am so glad that there are so many surviviors and so sad for those whose lives have been so terribly altered.

Newbie, Mystic, I am sorry that Walt died and that you are left in the ashes of your broken heart. We get that alright, and how nice that Walt let you know that he is okay. My girl Erica also let us know, that same night and in may other ways prior to her death and over the years. She died in 2003. Sherry and I have both been here for the better part of 9 years, having lost our kids nearly 10 years ago. I have learned how to live again but I think I live differently. I have always had some fears, they are bigger now, but my love of simple pleasures is also bigger now. I adore being home, listening to birds, visiting with my twosisters, I live near my Son and his wife and their new Baby named after ERica...I teach school, third grade and went back to work the following school term after ERi was killed, she died in July of '03' and school began at the end of August. I found it was a very hard thing to do but the best thing for me to do as well. I had a purpose at school and so finding your purpose here is key to living a good life after losing a child. IT takes time and patience, it takes all the energy you have to learn this new life, and one day you will find you smile again, you laugh again, and that you know your Boy is proud of you for these accomplishments.

One day, just know that one day you will feel strong again.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[daveydow1]

Mystic----I am sorry for your loss of your dear son, Walt. This site has been

a lifeline for me for the past 9 yrs., and many others have expressed the same.

Many have come on the BI site, stayed for awhile, then may not have come

back....especially some of those who were on here back when I came on. They

had helped me in the early days of grief, and then all along the way.....all the

dear people who offered words of encouragement whether their time on the

road of grief was short, or longer. I hope that you can come to BI anytime.

Wishing you peace and comfort.

Dee----

Thanks for the lovely pics of little Erica.....she's growing already!

Also, thanks for the quote from the Maya A. book...."always be with you".

Our dear children who left this world too soon will always be with us.

Betsy----

Thanks for the update that Lori, our Oklahoma friend, is fine.

Many prayers for all the people there who suffered losses of loved ones

and homes.

Laurie----I, so, know what you mean about "tanking out emotionally" this

past weekend. Sometimes the pain, sorrow and yearning for our child

can come back with full force. I have found that after such a bad period

of grief, that somehow the next day can be a wee bit brighter. I'm hoping

that you are feeling better,.

Leah----

Good to see your post. Sorry that your mom is not doing well. I

hope that your long and hard-fought battle to win custody of your grandson

will soon be over and that you will have the little guy in your home where

he is so loved. Glad to hear that your daughter is still clean. It is not an easy

thing to accomplish, but she is doing her best with courage. Just continue to hold your

head up high, Leah.....(in your town where people are forming unwarranted

opinions). You are brave, hard-working, and honest......others will see that

and know this. I wish you the best, my BI friend.

Carol----

Yes---being in nature can somehow bring on the lonliness and sadness

that we feel, and yet at the same time, it can be so restorative to the soul. So

understandable that with the grief of the loss of young Mike, you have the added

heavy grief of the loss of the love of your life.....your dear husband, Ralph. It must be too

much to bear sometimes. I am saying prayers. Thanks for posting the lovely

pics. So right......Ralph and young Mike must be smiling above about the nice

tree. Peace to you.

PEACE AND COMFORT TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry