Loss of an Adult Child

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Thanks Dee for your words of support.

Lora - I just don't know what the world is coming to when people steal off of gravesites. That is just pathetic. Maybe you can get the cemetary managers to install security web cams. They are easy to install, and not expensive.

Mikes Dad - Congratulations! and I will pray for your son's friend.

Will write more later...

[Jeff's Mom]

Just a quick note to say hello to everyone. I am thinking of each and every one of you this week. I know the upcoming Mother's Day weekend is just about to hit us. Hold tight. For those that are new to this journey...sending warm and loving wishes that your weekend will be filled with beautiful memories that are filled with laughter as you reflect on the happy times you shared with your child. Turn those tears into tears of happy memories. And memories and love never dies. So hold them close. Love to all, Kate

[shorty16]

Mikes Dad

Congrats on the engagement. So nice of you to visit that young man. Take care of yourself and your growing family.

Colleen, Brian's Mom 4ever

[ericasmom]

Going to bed Folks, a bit early but it was a very active day with the students and a behind the scenes of the Lyric Opera House field trip tomorrow so I need to sleep. Busy last night for husband's birthday, Son and DIL and BABY princess took us out to eat for his birthday. SO it was a very nice evening.

Had a bit of an Eri dream last night...I saw a shirt/tunic hanging adn it was on sale, Eri was next to me and she said, " oh that is kind of cute." I said, " well let's try it on and get it then..." she said, " oh I don't feel like trying it on though." So Eri-like, but then she tried on a beautiful robe, of all things, and I said, Oh my that is very expensive, I bet it is 150.00 and it was. She kept it on and smiled.

Loved seeing her in my dreams.

Dream sweetly All.

[Guest]

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[daveydow1]

STEPHEN.....STEPHEN......STEPHEN......SAYING YOUR NAME AND REMEMBERING YOU.

Betty---So sorry that I missed Stephen's angel day,, but I haven't been on

as much lately. May your sweet memories of your son warm your heart & soul.

Dee----Such a sweet dream of ERi. Those dreams we have of our dear

babies, who left this world too soon, are the treasures that are ours alone....

and no one can take them from us. We hold them close to our hearts always.

Thinking of everyone in the BI family, and wishing peace and comfort.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

Hi Guys and Gals,

yes Sherry it was a sweet dream. I was so glad to see Erica, to hear her voice. Good to see your Smiling Davey today. His smile brightens a room.

Lora, I am glad that you have the accessibility to the gravesite as you do. Is the cemetery non-denominational? I do get that same sense of being near even though I know that Erz is everywhere, I feel special about her site. It was the last thing we picked out for her, besides the stone and the clothes she wore to the wake. IT is a pretty spot, in the shade of three oaks, and a pond lay down an incline from there. When Erz died the space was nearly empty but since then, it is populated by many folks, some who also left early.

Our field trip today was excellent. The kids were able to go up to the catwalk to cross from one side of the building (which was built 84 years ago) to the other, and 6 floors below we could see the stage and the set. All the ropes that lift scrims and lower props alongside us. We got to try on costumes and go into the dressing rooms as well as go to the basement to see where the trap door on the stage leads to. Very exciting stuff. Pooped out from it all of course, constant head-counts and making sure of kids, but it was a great experience.

It is drizzling out, so I am going to walk a bit before it rains more and just stretch my body and mind.

Love you ALL Hope Gretchen, Brenda, Carol, Susan, Del and all Moms and Dads are well or as well as you can be.

[Mermaid Tears]

just wondering....after I lost John David....I seem to be numb to all that is going on around me....I am there....but really....I seem to be 'above the maddening crowd'.....I am in focus....but seem to be above it all....surreal....for sure...

[shorty16]

John Davids Mom

Numb to the world around you..yes. I did not seem to belong in this world without my son. I would watch the happenings around me, but did not see to be part of it.

Sending hugs your way

Colleen, Brian's Mom 4 ever

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

My daughter was having a real hard time today. Tomorrow is the 10th, (Angel Day) , Mother's Day weekend, and my daughter's birthday is this next Tuesday. It will be her first birthday without her brother.

The Journey

I wake each morning trying to hold on to your face in my dream

I strain to hear the whisper of your voice once again

I search for you daily believing maybe I will find you

I call your phone just to say, "Please come home, I miss you so much."

I stand above your grave and water it with my tears

I love you more than life itself

I would have gladly given mine for yours

I wish, how I wish, I would have understood those messages

You were leaving us for a new home

but you know I would have never accepted it

Loving you son...

[ericasmom]

Laurie, I love your poem...no you would not have been able to reconcile those messages if you knew.

How old is your Daughter? Give her a hug from me and tell her that my Son, Erica's big brother had a very hard time of course with his Sister's death. There are no easy days that first year or so, but to remember that her Brother loves her through and through, that he needs her to laugh again, it will be music to his ears, joy in his heart. One day she will laugh again, she will have the energy to do things that right now just feel unimportant. Tell her that there are not enough articles written about sibling loss and that maybe she could write something up. Did I already tell you a book that I loved reading soon after Eri died called, Name All the Animals by Alison Smith. It is memoir and written by the sister of a boy who died early. It is well written and well done. Your Daughter may like it as it gives voice to the siblings.

Susan, numb is a good word for the half-life we lead those first years after losing a Child. It is without gusto and without color almost, as though we are put into a black and white and gray world. I remember feeling like I could hear the birds, but that they were not clear, that their notes were not differentiated but instead a blur of sound that first year. I missed the clarity of sounds, of colors, of people's voices, and I missed the energy that had been mine. Take heart, we do get much of it back, but the sense of surrealism surrounding us lasts for a while, and we don't always find we like th ethings we used to like. Sometimes yes, some of us no. Just be very patient with yourself and remember, there is no right or wrong way to grieve, there is your way. There is my way, and both of those ways and all of the ways in between are just the way we need to grieve. As long as you are not harming yourself or anyone else, you just let yourself grieve. The only way through it, is THROUGH it.

How is Husband?

[Mike's dad]

Mike's friend and I went fishing today, I had to string the poles, hook the bait, and reel the fish in... He could only cast. We caught about six fish, and he had a great time.

he talked about my boy, a lot, and said he was the greatest man ever... That broke my heart. he always wanted to be an "Army Guy" and that's just what he did when he grew up.

Then I took him to dinner, telling him to pick any place. When we pulled up I knew I'd been there before. It was the last place I kissed my ex wife, that made me a little sick, but dinner was good.

I miss my girl, but I'm having a good time here.

[Mom of Chip]

just wondering....after I lost John David....I seem to be numb to all that is going on around me....I am there....but really....I seem to be 'above the maddening crowd'.....I am in focus....but seem to be above it all....surreal....for sure...

I feel the same way. It's been 9 months and I still feel numb. I cry at nothing..sometimes uncontrollably...My brother and a close friend died within days of each other in February...I felt almost nothing. Losing Chip overpowered everything. I go about my day and my job; I stay focused, but nothing seems to have any real purpose..I'm floating..doing my thing in my own easy time..watching what goes on around me, but not really feeling a part of it.

[ericasmom]

Del and Susan, I do believe that the numb phase is something many of us dealt with. Feeling comes back but it will take time and it will be different. I am glad that you are patient with yourself knowing that this cannot be rushed or altered at this point. Working, even if it does not provide joy or direction at this time, does provide you that focus that gives you a space in which to be, to just be.

Am I dumb or has it been spoken a zillion times before, that you Del, and you Susan have your Boys Angel Date in common?

[Guest]

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[Mom of Chip]

I read so much here that sounds just like me....It seems everyone has some problems that just adds more grief. How I wish that wasn't the case.

The cemetery where we laid Chip to rest is in another town..about 20 minutes away..I don't go there every day, but I do go often...In January I noticed that his grave had sunk badly. There was ditch in the middle and all around it was cracked. I called the head of the cemetery association and told him. That very day he went out and added dirt to it and since then I haven't noticed any sinking. It is a perpetual care cemetery and the money we paid for the plot includes upkeep. We could plant grass or do other things on our own if we want to, but at this point we have been happy with how the association has taken care of everything.

My kids are handling Chip's death differently. My son still feels the pain and we talk a lot...last night for an 1-1/2 hours. He feels Chip around him and gives him credit for some good things that have happened in his life in the past few months....and his wife is a great comfort to him. They talk about Chip a lot.

My daughter, on the other hand, gets quiet and looks angry when I talk about Chip. I don't know if it is too painful for her or she just wishes I would move on. I can't get her to open up. When Chip was first diagnosed with cancer, she was very angry. It wasn't fair...I'm thinking that anger is still there and she has a difficult time with it. She goes out with friends all the time, parties, etc...but she rarely calls me. I have to initiate contact.

Chip's older daughter is always there for me. She has come over and helped move furniture...her boyfriend changed the oil in the trucks and they do other things that we aren't able to do.

So I do have support, but I wish my daughter was more open. We were always very close, but it seems a gap is there and is getting wider. I don't know how to get her to open up.

Walt and I both have health issues. He has bad knees and has to get shots in them and now his shoulder is bothering him. Doc is hoping that meds and therapy with help the shoulder, but he may need shots in it too, or surgery. He has a lot of trouble getting around...is very slow and just the ordinary life of homelife...taking out garbage, tending the yard and pool are painful for him.

My issues right now are with my eyes. I may have a detached retina. I have an appointment soon to see if that is the case..and I think it is. Don't what will come from that..may need surgery on my right eye. Not looking forward to that.

Now I've told you my sorrowful story..

Laurie, I love the poem. Hope you don't mind if I copy it to Chip's FB timeline..

To all Indigos...hope things are looking up for you, but it takes so much time. We have to have patience with ourselves...which, for me, is sometimes very hard.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Mike's friend and I went fishing today, I had to string the poles, hook the bait, and reel the fish in... He could only cast. We caught about six fish, and he had a great time.

he talked about my boy, a lot, and said he was the greatest man ever... That broke my heart. he always wanted to be an "Army Guy" and that's just what he did when he grew up.

Then I took him to dinner, telling him to pick any place. When we pulled up I knew I'd been there before. It was the last place I kissed my ex wife, that made me a little sick, but dinner was good.

I miss my girl, but I'm having a good time here.

That is wonderful!!!!! How beautiful that you are sharing some time together with this troubled young man. What a fitting thing to do in loving memory of your son. Too often our soldiers are abandoned after they have done their duty and are left to struggle along. I talked to an older man once when I worked at at retail store whose son had been a soldier and had to kill people. Now the son feels like he cannot return home for doing what our country asked of him. And the man cried at my counter because he had lost his son, just in a different way. I have always felt we needed to do much more to help re-integrate our soldiers back to society.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Laurie, I love your poem...no you would not have been able to reconcile those messages if you knew.

How old is your Daughter? Give her a hug from me and tell her that my Son, Erica's big brother had a very hard time of course with his Sister's death. There are no easy days that first year or so, but to remember that her Brother loves her through and through, that he needs her to laugh again, it will be music to his ears, joy in his heart. One day she will laugh again, she will have the energy to do things that right now just feel unimportant. Tell her that there are not enough articles written about sibling loss and that maybe she could write something up. Did I already tell you a book that I loved reading soon after Eri died called, Name All the Animals by Alison Smith. It is memoir and written by the sister of a boy who died early. It is well written and well done. Your Daughter may like it as it gives voice to the siblings.

Thank you for the compliment about the poem...just how I was feeling.Thanks for the hug for her, I will be sure to let her read your post. Christina is 26 and was very close to her brother. Jesse was our glue of the family. We are just so lost without him. Like I said her birthday is this next week so it is a very moody weekend.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Laurie, I love your poem...no you would not have been able to reconcile those messages if you knew.

How old is your Daughter? Give her a hug from me and tell her that my Son, Erica's big brother had a very hard time of course with his Sister's death. There are no easy days that first year or so, but to remember that her Brother loves her through and through, that he needs her to laugh again, it will be music to his ears, joy in his heart. One day she will laugh again, she will have the energy to do things that right now just feel unimportant. Tell her that there are not enough articles written about sibling loss and that maybe she could write something up. Did I already tell you a book that I loved reading soon after Eri died called, Name All the Animals by Alison Smith. It is memoir and written by the sister of a boy who died early. It is well written and well done. Your Daughter may like it as it gives voice to the siblings.

Thank you for the compliment about the poem...just how I was feeling.Thanks for the hug for her, I will be sure to let her read your post. Christina is 26 and was very close to her brother. Jesse was our glue of the family. We are just so lost without him. Like I said her birthday is this next week so it is a very moody weekend.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Mermaid Tears, on 09 May 2013 - 08:05 PM, said:

just wondering....after I lost John David....I seem to be numb to all that is going on around me....I am there....but really....I seem to be 'above the maddening crowd'.....I am in focus....but seem to be above it all....surreal....for sure...

I feel the same way. It's been 9 months and I still feel numb. I cry at nothing..sometimes uncontrollably...My brother and a close friend died within days of each other in February...I felt almost nothing. Losing Chip overpowered everything. I go about my day and my job; I stay focused, but nothing seems to have any real purpose..I'm floating..doing my thing in my own easy time..watching what goes on around me, but not really feeling a part of it.

Susan, I totally identify with what you wrote. I can't even say I am there or anywhere for that matter.

Mom of Chip, this is so true. Our family's purpose too was just dissolved and the description of floating, that is what I do all the time now. Except when I have what I call my Jesse tasks...grooming his grave, making sure that the investigation stays on course, checking on the progress of his gravestone, archiving what I can of his off the Internet. I don't know how I will feel during the trial of the girl who hit him. I think I would just lose it if they do not charge her in a criminal setting. That was the way things were headed at first, blame the motorcyclist. The feeling on this (blaming my son instead of honestly investigating) is something I can't even put words to.

I don't think 9 months is all that long. We are reading a book from David Applegate (What I learned from the death of my son) and they were in a spiral for years. It would appear the tighter the relationship with the child, the deeper the mourning.

I think that is why so many long timers on on this forum, which is a testament to their love of their children.

This is also my second child loss, I lost my first infant son. I vowed never to have that happen again. And it did.

What ever I post go ahead and share. I am honored.

Also, a big thanks for all who share here. I am thankful for this community of sharing, the stories, the moods, the songs and peoms, pictures, and writings of faith...there would be no place else for me to go to find people who understand this terrible loss.

[JD99501]

Was I summoned ? .

[JD99501]

O_o.......?

[JD's Mom, Becky]

[Jeff's Mom]

Thinking of everyone, as Mother's Day is upon us. My hope is that each new day will offer a gentle lifting of grief and softening of your sadness. That is time you will feel the peace and warmth of the beautiful memories that you hold close to your heart. Hold on tight to the knowledge that love is everlasting. I found this card this morning as I sifting through Jeff's treasures. I kept the many sympathy cards that were sent. I would like to share the wording with you. "I Believe that hope survives, love prevails, tears cleanse, memories comfort, faith soothes, good thoughts reassure, and that our belief in a better place calms the heart." Every special occasion I go into my box of treasures and grab a card from Jeff. I place it with the others and remember the times that we shared. I find it a source of comfort. And it helps to remind me that he is still with me in spirit. And always will be. My wish for you tomorrow is that you will find a degree of peace and be surrounded by the love that fills your heart with beautiful memories of your precious child. Love to all, Kate

[Mermaid Tears]

Update on Daniel....he spent 6 days in ICU...the surgery went well...my son, Aaron, flew in from CA...he is the Emergency Room Trauma Surgeon...just got back from Afghanistan in February..he is Navy...he said that Dad was doing above normal....he was put in a private room for 3 days...then I brought him home...Aaron flew back on Tuesday...I have Randa, our daughter, she is a nurse...by my side...Jesse and Jason live 'sorta close by'....Jeremy just started a new job with Nike...we told him we would by fine....we were all together...but we all felt 'the missing oldest brother'...for the first time...I had to move my 'grief' to the side...and comfort them...tell them...'of course he is with us'...when the Dr. came to talk to us after the angiogram to tell us about the severe 4 blockages and that open heart surgery was needed...(only Randa and I were there then)....she just went to pieces...a real melt down....I was fine....I was very together...then the boys came...

And that is when I realized just how numb I was to all that does happen around me now...I am taking care of everything...doing all that is needed...and making all the i's are dotted...the t's are crossed...

Thank each of you that have shared your same experience for it makes me feel as if I am in a normal phase of my grief...and I am not becoming a Zombie....

I, too, look back at the amazing Memorial I put together....all the details..the music...the service...the Gathering afterwards....HOW DID I DO ALL THAT....surreal...just unreal.....but....I did do it....later, my cousin, that knows me very well...wrote a card and said I was the 'true Steel Magnolia'....I treasure that thought....

When something happens in my life...I always try to reach out and remember someone in my family..(woman) who has had to face a similar experience....not one Mother lost a child..(in my generation)..only some friends....I do that to try and find a 'map' to where my feet can travel. Now....IF.....(God forbid) if something happens to one of my children's child....maybe I will be a 'map' for them.

Daniel has a long road to recovery....it is slow going...and one day at a time....but he is doing great....this is not an overnight healing...and if I can keep the patient from becoming impatient....all is well.

I have to agree with what many post on here...that this site...the ones that come to share is a life line for me....each of you have a place in my heart that is very unique..and the new ones that find this place will, too.....for it is here that I gain insight...and also a glimmer of truth that I am not abnormal in my 'new normal'.....

We are facing Mother's Day...I found some of those 'handmade' little cards...made on construction paper...with the weird looking little flowers...and that skrally little boy handwriting...of course, to me...they are up there with all the Picasso's....it will be hard on all of us...and we will be 'Calling All Angels'.....Be in peace...God is Good...All is Well.

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee....yes....John David's and Chip's Angel Dates are the same...I was very 'amazed'....and they shared the passion for music in the same way...John David could tell you who was playing drums..or bass guitar..who was in what band...the year..etc....he had this recall that would stun all of us with his knowledge....like I said...who knows...maybe he and Chip are hanging with Stevie Ray.....(another Texas boy)....or Buddy....

[Mom of Chip]

Dee....yes....John David's and Chip's Angel Dates are the same...I was very 'amazed'....and they shared the passion for music in the same way...John David could tell you who was playing drums..or bass guitar..who was in what band...the year..etc....he had this recall that would stun all of us with his knowledge....like I said...who knows...maybe he and Chip are hanging with Stevie Ray.....(another Texas boy)....or Buddy....

Chip was a big fan of SRV..He did a lot of his songs at gigs...'Cold Shot' was a favorite....and his knowledge of music was also astounding. He could play anything any time. Many times bands would ask him to sit in for a song or two..and sometimes he filled in for a lead guitarist who was ill, etc....all he needed to know was the key.. His ability to take off on a lead solo was amazing. Never missed a beat and could swing his guitar around with one hand and play it...behind his back...He was not only a true musician, but an entertainer as well. It was a shame that the right doors never opened for him to make it big. His friends posted many condolences on his FB page...saying things like "Rock the Angels", "He was a rock god", "heard your song today". Even now posts are made in reference to his music. When someone hears a song on the radio that he played, they post about it...how it made them think of him. Many of his students still post...recalling some of the songs he taught them, and how he was not only a great teacher, but a great and caring friend as well.Those kind of posts are a comfort to me.

[Mom of Chip]

Chip was a big fan of SRV..He did a lot of his songs at gigs...'Cold Shot' was a favorite....and his knowledge of music was also astounding. He could play anything any time. Many times bands would ask him to sit in for a song or two..and sometimes he filled in for a lead guitarist who was ill, etc....all he needed to know was the key.. His ability to take off on a lead solo was amazing. Never missed a beat and could swing his guitar around with one hand and play it...behind his back...He was not only a true musician, but an entertainer as well. It was a shame that the right doors never opened for him to make it big. His friends posted many condolences on his FB page...saying things like "Rock the Angels", "He was a rock god", "heard your song today". Even now posts are made in reference to his music. When someone hears a song on the radio that he played, they post about it...how it made them think of him. Many of his students still post...recalling some of the songs he taught them, and how he was not only a great teacher, but a great and caring friend as well.Those kind of posts are a comfort to me.

[Mom of Chip]

Sorry, I double posted.

Is there a way to delete a post?

[ericasmom]

Hi Del, good to see you here today. I have deleted double posts by going to one of them, hit the edit button down below the post and just erasing all of my words. But no worries, we all double post.

So you are here and we are glad to know that you are receiving posts that continue to let you know the wonderful influence and inspiration your Son has caused in people. I sure do know how your heart aches, but I am glad taht you are warmed by the people that are letting you know how your Chip matters to them. I am sorry to read that your Daughter is having a hard time being close to you right now. That is hard. I wish I had some ideas about that but I think time and not forcing this is the only answer. If you have asked will she go to therapy with you or to a grief group and she gets further from you, well it seems she will have to find her steps. It is so hard though. We want to assist our Kids with their ache and yet some just cannot share that with us for whatever reasons. My Son could not talk about Eri much with me at all and as it turned out, he did not talk to many very often though his friends were always around him supporting him. He is very much like his Dad, God rest his soul, and that means he is extremely private. I think for some, grief blows them so far away from who they perceived themselves to be that they don't know how they feel about any of us when all is said and done.

I know that Sandy is dealing with similar issues and I so wish it to heal soon.

Susan, what a lot for your family and for your Daniel to go through at this time, I am so glad to hear that he is doing well. Yes, patience will be required but sometimes in short supply. I keep you all in my prayers, and extra prayers for Daniel to heal completely. So amazing that John David and Chip left Texas on the same day, they are comrades and joined by music and love of family and yes, Calling all you Angels to spread your warmth and love across the world and especially on your Mommas tomorrow as you are the biggest joys in their hearts.

Kate, how are you doing with the added stress of taking care of your Sweet Husband? I wish you a good day tomorrow too, one filled with the sweetness of Jeff like a sunray on your heart.

[ericasmom]

Hi Del, good to see you here today. I have deleted double posts by going to one of them, hit the edit button down below the post and just erasing all of my words. But no worries, we all double post.

So you are here and we are glad to know that you are receiving posts that continue to let you know the wonderful influence and inspiration your Son has caused in people. I sure do know how your heart aches, but I am glad taht you are warmed by the people that are letting you know how your Chip matters to them. I am sorry to read that your Daughter is having a hard time being close to you right now. That is hard. I wish I had some ideas about that but I think time and not forcing this is the only answer. If you have asked will she go to therapy with you or to a grief group and she gets further from you, well it seems she will have to find her steps. It is so hard though. We want to assist our Kids with their ache and yet some just cannot share that with us for whatever reasons. My Son could not talk about Eri much with me at all and as it turned out, he did not talk to many very often though his friends were always around him supporting him. He is very much like his Dad, God rest his soul, and that means he is extremely private. I think for some, grief blows them so far away from who they perceived themselves to be that they don't know how they feel about any of us when all is said and done.

I know that Sandy is dealing with similar issues and I so wish it to heal soon.

Susan, what a lot for your family and for your Daniel to go through at this time, I am so glad to hear that he is doing well. Yes, patience will be required but sometimes in short supply. I keep you all in my prayers, and extra prayers for Daniel to heal completely. So amazing that John David and Chip left Texas on the same day, they are comrades and joined by music and love of family and yes, Calling all you Angels to spread your warmth and love across the world and especially on your Mommas tomorrow as you are the biggest joys in their hearts.

Kate, how are you doing with the added stress of taking care of your Sweet Husband? I wish you a good day tomorrow too, one filled with the sweetness of Jeff like a sun-ray on your heart.

[Jeff's Mom]

Dee, thanks for asking. Guess I am stressed to the max these days. I just checked in to see the posts and saw I had forgotten to log off again! Oh my, I am a total wreck. I am not sleeping at all well. He is up so much during the night that I am completely exhausted when it is time to get up. I feel that I will begin to settle down once we get into a regular routine. I do know that he is filled with anxiety and he does need to share it with me. I am so happy to see that others on the site are finding health issues ending on a more positive note. Such a struggle and very tiring. I hope your day tomorrow is lovely with your sweet little beauty. A real opportunity to celebrate this new life and Mother's Day! Carol, hope tomorrow is enjoyed with the gang. Thinking of you and sending warm wishes. Lora, Gretchen, Brenda, Becky, and everyone.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Here is one of my favorite faith songs for my son. The musician who wrote it, Rich Mullins, died in a car accident at a young 41 years old in 1997.

Hold me Jesus

Thinking of everyone tonight.

Jesse David's Mom

[Guest]

...

[ericasmom]

Kate, as Lora said, you are a strong strong woman. We just wish we didn't have to have that strength tested so. Know that on this day and each, you are the Mom of Jeff's dreams. Your Husband's illness is taxing both emotionally and physically more than likely, please make sure you are taking good care of you as your Men would want.

Lora, so odd, Cara and Eri have similar happenings. All the graves around Eri keep their items, but Eri's items disappear. I used to figure that Eri didn't want ornaments to mark her place, assuring me that she is everywhere.

Whatever you do today and wherever you are, know that your ANGEL is holding your hand, your heart, and is very nearby. Have a good day, treat yourself the way you would have any of us MOMs treat ourselves.

[Sholl1955]

Laurie, yes my daughter is struggling as yours is. We were very close and now it is as if she has built this wall around her that just keeps getting deeper and higher. I know how it breaks your heart, and also the concern for her as she struggles.. I keep letting her know I am always here for her, but I know she has to find her way, that I can not help, as she will not allow it. It is very hard.

Cara, I loved seeing you mention that you look to the sky alot. I do the same thing! I look up all of the time since Sarah left and I know she is up there. I never noticed the clouds much before. The beautiful formations and the sun filtering through them are at times breathtaking.

My thoughts are with everyone today. I plan to release some balloons today with my grandhildren. Oh how I wish none of us had to deal with this day with out our chldren.

Sandy

[shorty16]

Happy Mothers Day to all the Moms. We will always be Moms to our angels

Colleen, Brian's Mom 4 ever

[ericasmom]

Back at you Colleen, may the sun shine all around you.

Sandy, how nice to release balloons today with the girls. What a great physical way that they can feel involved.

I looked out today to see the forget-me-nots so deeply blue, beautiful, and of course their name says it all.

[mysonrich]

Happy Mothers Day , Moms. Truly a day when the ache and break could not be more intense. The tears will flow and we may clutch the Mothers Day cards of old, ever wishing to turn back the clock. I know I do. A couple of years ago, Carol or Trudi honored their own Mothers with the telling of special memories. I do that now and it seems to help in dealing with the day. I wrote this yesterday. Just off the top of my head so take it as it is. FYI. Robert is my brother. Laura, his wife died in 2011 at 56 from breast cancer. Robert also lost his 14 year old son, Pat, from cancer 10 years ago. Sarah, my daughter and Richie's sister. May you all find some comfort in this day.

It wasn't long after your died that me and Sarah took a drive south on the Garden State Parkway. We had a late start and after some twisting and turning on and off dark roadways, we arrive a bit late in Wildwood, NJ.

Though our old Wildwood is gone I continued to look for the porches and rocking chairs. Oh, there are some about here and there, on familiar streets where the ocean breezes reach. I drive up and down; New Jersey Ave, Ocean, Maple, Poplar and 26^th street. 26^th always a turn around spot. A sign that I missed my street. Pointing out to Sarah the old places. The apartments homes with porches. The central stairway. The showers in the back and sometimes, a grill. I tell her stories of the Pennsylvania Hotel . How grand it was. The memory , many hearts to ache when word reached us that it had burnt down. The Maple Leaf. I loved it there. Did I tell her so? Remember when we filled the rooms with laughter and at times to be honest, a fight or two. Was that Mom and Christal having another lively discussion? Curtains taking flight on the breeze as we drifted off to sleep after a day on the beach. Our skin a little red, grains of sand still in our hair even after the outside shower. I always remember the showers. The sound. The scent. The cold water washing away the salt and sea. Our much needed nap. Young and old. Our homemade supper to save money. The Jersey corn and tomatoes, Porkroll ,hamburgers. The ham baked at home and wrapped for travel. There was a bakery. Snowflake rolls.

There was a time when I was young that we dressed for the boardwalk. Our summer dresses. Summer shorts. Looking bright and fresh as the ocean breeze. The coolness in the evening as we rode the roller coaster. The rocket ships. The Golden Nugget. The Keystone Cops and even the Hell Hole. Making our way each night to a different pier. Back at the apartment. Tired and happy we would sit for a spell on the porch rocking in a rocking chair. Our time on the porch was our in between time. We watched people. They watched us. There were a couple of years that we didn't make it to Wildwood but when we did I shopped and bought the cute dresses and summer outfits for Sarah and Rich. I was rather disappointed when I realized that things had changed. It seemed that dressing up was no longer part of the shore. But Sarah, you were still the prettiest.

In the morning we would start again. A man that drove up and down the streets with fresh produce. IN my early memories, in the quiet of the day there was a boy that would travel by bike breaking the sleepy silence with the call , “ Philadelphia Daily News. Daily News Here. “ Newspapers.

Years later, one late February or early March day I gathered up my son and said “ come on Rich. We're taking a ride to Wildwood” Of course he didn't want to go. He was at the age , 14 or 15 when the last thing he probably wanted to do was take a ride to the shore with his mom. But, I got him in the car and off we went. It;s when we start to inhale the salty air that the transformation begins. The Pine Barrens now part of a road traveled. In the early days it was as we traveled over the old bridge. Bumper to bumper traffic as it was Sunday and many vacation weeks started on Sunday. Past the houses on stilts, water softly splashing around the piling. boat wakes. Myself, always wondering about who lived there and how neat it must be to walk out upon your very own pier that seemed to stretch out for a good mile.

With Rich that day it was the new bridge. The old bridge having burnt down many years before. It was there he brightened up. Sat straighter . Took notice. We took a ride around first. Down Maple. But the Maple Leaf was gone say but one apartment building. The condos were going up. But no rocking chairs. We parked the car and walked the boards. There wasn't much open but an arcade , a few clothing stores and of course, Macks. It is a favorite memory I have of my son,with my son. We enjoyed our day with Rich telling me he was glad he went. He was refreshed and maybe, took a different view on life that day.

So it was on a day 3 years ago, that Sarah and I sat in the courtyard of our little apartment , under the umbrella during the in between time that I told her, “ I feel Grammy here. She is here” Sarah looked at me and said nothing but in her way, she knows what I am talking about.

That year or was it a year later Robert took a ride up the east coast all the way from Florida to Maine. Perhaps looking for answers and a sense of peace after Laura’s death. I tell him that he should go to Wildwood on his way back home. Take the Cape May Ferry I tell him, it's not far out of your way.

He does and stays a day or two in Wildwood. Robert called after he arrived home and shared some pictures with me in email. I said , “ Robert. I felt Mom there when Sarah and I were visiting” He answed in reply, “ SO did I. Mom was there. “

For today Mom, I thank you for the memories. My children also built upon them and I know Sarah continues to do so. Wildwood stands strong. The shore will be back. Our day trip places will be rebuilt and as time changes all, it will not change my memories of you and the rocking chairs. I see you there now.

[daveydow1]

Wishing a HAPPY MOTHERS DAY to each and every Mom.

Haven't been on BI too much lately, but I do read the posts, and

am thinking about everyone, and wishing peace to all Indigos.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[dhathc00]

I once read a post by a long time member that said tho the pain had never left they could atleast now think of the memories they had and they would bring a sense of 'joy' Its been just over 1.5 years and I guess the loss is still to soon for even the joyous memories, the times we laughed and teased each other still bring sadness. When does it change?

[JD's Mom, Becky]

[ericasmom]

Betsy, I do believe you should send your memories of your lovely days in NJ both as a youngster adn as a young Mom, send them in to be published. Lovely. Thanks for sharing them with us.

Sherry, good to see you.

Danielsdad, it takes time, much more time before you are able to find the joy in those memories. Be kind to yourself, this is still early on, even though it may feel like forever ago that you saw your Boy. One day you will just feel more happiness enter your heart and it will be a memory or a story told that will warm you and bring you to this feeling. I promise that one day you will grow your joy.

Becky, lovely photo of you loving your Son. It is written on your face.

[tobyfreefoot]

yesterday i went with my mom, my daughter and granddaughter to the zoo. it was a nice day. i just don't have the enthusiasm i use to have.

my back and leg make it difficult to walk but luckily my mom can't move too fast either. my boys couldn't come but they both called today. i called everyone back as i just set the alarm every hour and went back to bed. i guess i am effected by the mother's day thing even though i still have 3 lovely kids. hope everyone finds something in the day to help them through.

[shorty16]

Daniels dad

It takes a long time and 1,5 years is not a long time. My family is almost 5 years from Brian's death and we are now able to smile about his humor. We may never Be as we were, but we can enjoy life again. Other than today is tough for everyone here.

Hugs

Colleen Brian's Mom 4ever

[shorty16]

Daniels dad

It takes a long time and 1,5 years is not a long time. My family is almost 5 years from Brian's death and we are now able to smile about his humor. We may never Be as we were, but we can enjoy life again. Other than today is tough for everyone here.

Hugs

Colleen Brian's Mom 4ever

[ericasmom]

Gretchen, I am happy to see you smiling alongside your Momma and Daughter and Grandgirl. Four generations of women. How lovely. And yes, you are affected of course by the grief even though you have three other Children to love and that love you. There will always be one Child not present, and that will likely always pull on our hearts.

Love to All on this and Everyday,

[mikesmomrs]

Happy Mother's Day all...been thinking of you today, and praying you all found some joyful memory to carry you through this day. Today was a tough one for me, without hubby here to tease me and pretend he didn't get me something because I was "not his mother." But my daughters helped me get through it. Cathi got me the most beautiful card, and it turned out to be so appropriate. She saw a dragonfly pin on the front and had read the front and loved it but when she opened it, it said from your "son." But, she got it anyway, cause it had two verses, so she signed the first one from him and the second one from her. The first verse said "What matters is that you are always my mother and I am always your son." At the end of both verses was the word "always." I think that is what we all here must always remember about our angel child...we are always their mother and they are always our daughter or son. KATE: My heart holds you close as you fight this battle with your husband. Do take care of yourself, as others have said. Jeff is right beside you both, "always." I am still not able to do paragraphs...can be so very annoying. Can't do colors either. I can change fonts and sizes but that's it. BETSY: I loved reading about the time you spent at the beach in New Jersey and your sweet memories. I agree with Dee. GRETCHEN: The four generation picture...awesome! BECKY: Loved the pictures. I visited Mike and young Mike's site today, brought some flowers. There was a mother and father there beside their infant daughter's gravesite. The baby only lived one day. They have a beautiful stone for their baby, with their names on it as well, and I often see little things left there by them. Unfortunately, the baby's birthday (and of course her angel date) are in December, and sometimes it is covered with snow, so hard to get to. This past December they had a beautiful little tree there, all lit up with solar lights. They had cleared out the snow so they could sit it there. Her husband was on his knees, cleaning the front of grass and such, carefully, lovingly. Their other children were with them, a pretty little girl, looked about 8, a son about 5, and another about 14 months or so. She was VERY pregnant. She told me later she was due in August. I had to walk by them to get water for the flowers and I stopped to tell them I was so sorry for their loss. This started a conversation about who I was there for, and she said she had noticed the many things I leave there, and had used our bench to sit on while she watched them placing their baby's stone. (2 1/2 years ago) We talked about her baby girl, Rachel, and I said I understood how hard it is. She said a few things about some of the comments she's been told..."you are young, you can have another," "I don't know why you're still mourning; after all it's been (fill in the blank)...she said this has been said since just a few weeks after Rachel died. Also "I don't know why you are grieving so; it's not like you got to know her." Her husband was so sweet, running and playing with the other kids while we talked. It was a good visit, for both of us, I think. She said "I am here on Fridays, if I see your vase with flowers, I will change the water for you." Two strangers, coming together with a common, sad bond. Love to you all.

[Jeff's Mom]

Hi everyone, thinking of you all tonight and hoping that this day was as good as it could be under the circumstances. Thanks to everyone for your continued support. Love you all...and don't think I could do it without you. We had a decent day. It certainly was sunny and pleasant. We managed a nice hike into the site. I took some tulips and put them on Jeff's bench. It felt so peaceful and calming. Then back home for my husband to take a nap. We were not up to going out for any celebrations for dinner so I prepared a nice dinner while he slept. Tomorrow we are off to the hospital for the day. Please do keep him in your prayers. Again, thank you to all for thinking of us. Sending love to all. Kate

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Thanks Sandy for your message of support for my daughter, Christina.

Kate, prayers go out for your husband.

Thanks to all who posted today, been reading them as they are posted. So many beautiful shares today.

Hopefully I can sleep tonight. It doesn't come easy these days.

Peace and wishing everyone a restful night.

**************************************************

FYI...my mom mentioned a show that is going to be on Dr. Oz this week Wednesday. It may be of interest to some of you:

http://www.doctoroz.com/episode/what-really-happens-end-life

Jesse David's Mom